y-ca11

[y-ca11]

Npd culture is "I am extremely hot" 🔁 "why am this fucking ugly".

- ☣️

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[y-ca11]

npd + bpd culture is getting overly mad at your fp for not spending time with you because why the fuck dont you want to talk to me anymore. im supposed to be special. and also feeling miserable over the fact it affects you this much to begin with because like what do you mean this person has such power on me. thats sickening.

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[y-ca11]

NPD culture is silently judging everyone and believing you could do it better even if you physically cannot

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[y-ca11]

npd culture is wishing you WERE some kind of evil mastermind people think narcissists are because then at least i'd be interesting and have the ability to manipulate people

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[y-ca11]

(tw: sh) BPD is crying like a child then hurting yourself all because your fp denied you something

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[y-ca11]

bpd (and maybe npd idk) is never feeling happy for anyone around you, just a disgusting all consuming jealousy. why do they get what i want but i dont

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[y-ca11]

09/29/23feel like im going to break

all i do is ask questions. not happy ones either. i pry and i force my way into other people's ideology so that, maybe, just maybe, they'll feel how i feel.

i dont think im liked. plenty of people love me, dont they? but if i were to sit down and have a one-on-one with everybody who has said "i love you", im sure neither of us would be able to start a conversation.

everybody knows me. i talk about my interests so openly, i love hard and i love loud.

people tolerate, but they do not want.

and i could never say it out loud, but this is the reason why we supposedly dont ever dont anything that i want to do. because when i ask if you want to, i rarely ever get a "yes".

i am loved, but i am not liked.

i have a feeling that the only way i will be liked is if i stop talking about my interests. if i dont act excited. if i stop loving hard. if i become a completely different person.

1st place is not a position i am designed to be in.

#hikikomori #neet #shut in #actually bpd #severe anxiety #severe depression #actually neurodivergent #mental illness #vent #vent post #yuchannonikki

[y-ca11]

*screams*

[y-ca11]

npd culture is crashing down because nobody would ever TRULY love you unconditionally because you're disgusting ugly individual and once people see that or symptoms of any your mental issues they always leave you

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[y-ca11]

My need for external validation does truly feel like an addiction.

It taints everything I do. Whether consciously or not, it takes precedence over anything else.

I can easily fool myself into thinking I care about someone's struggle, when what I truly care about is the praise I'll get.

I can never quite tell if I truly love the people that I love, or if I simply love the fact that they love me.

"Do you love me?" I can feel the buried shame that question brings out in me.

[y-ca11]

comorbid bpd and npd culture is crying silently in your fps bed because you realized it seems like they're just not sexually attracted to you and you have nothing else to offer so you may as well start the countdown to when hes gonna leave you even though hes the one that chased you first because why would anyone stay with someone so useless

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[y-ca11]

[y-ca11]

“I just want someone to be truly happy because of me. Someone who is happy to see me, happy to hear me, happy to know me.”

— Unknown

[y-ca11]

why should I get better? It's not me that's the problem, it's this absolute hellscape of a society that's made me the way I am and now they want me to change? fuck off

[y-ca11]

“I’ll be okay, I have other people to talk to.”

“None of them are worth the effort. No one but you.”

[y-ca11]

the bpd urge to test your fp by withdrawing and seeing how long it takes for them to text you

[y-ca11]

9/16/23 there was no use in getting out of bed

today wasnt as bad as yesterday was, but that isn't saying too much. i've still only dyed half my hair and haven't changed my clothes in over a week, but i don't think that's bothering anybody but me.

i stopped doing the workout that i told myself i would do everyday. i've been overeating too. my willpower and motivation is less than none.

i just stared at the screen for a solid 10 minutes. i really have no idea what to say. its usually so much easier to write about my feelings... is this because its actually to log it? cause its for a good purpose? maybe... i guess thats more than likely..

i'll just talk about what i've done today. that should be easier, right?

i downloaded HoloCure last night. i like it, its cute and fun and is just the right amount of challenging. i played my first run with Calli but failed pretty badly... so i used Ame and shes really fun. i beat the first stage with her and then used all my holocoins to pull for more of the girls.

i was stuck in an endless loop of only getting Mio so i stopped pulling.

i did an endless playthrough with Ame this morning. i lasted 30-ish minutes and got a spot on the daily leaderboard. i used all of those holocoins to pull for Ame upgrades and she is sat at level 14 now because of it. i got a new outfit for her too

thats... pretty much it.

my family has been gone most of the day so i've been alone. i thought i would be able to take advantage of that and be stupid and laugh loudly and play games with my boyfriend, but he's been gone all day too.

we've been planning on watching Young Adult Matters together for a few weeks but we weren't able to do it yesterday as we originally planned (only after planning and rescheduling it 5 time before that). i have a feeling we won't do it today either. maybe i should just stop trying.

i just asked him if we're still going to watch it today.

my feeling was right.

i'm so tired.

i wish i didn't bother getting out of bed this morning.

#neet #hikikomori #shut in #severe anxiety #severe depression #actually bpd #vent post #vent #depression #depressing shit #mental illness #complex ptsd #actually neurodivergent #yuchannonikki #diary