yaranyarai

[yaranyarai]

look at my entire dog

#things sp does #dogblr #puppyblog

[yaranyarai]

none of this to do list of things that i needed to have finished before ten am included functionlessly crying about cade for two fucking hours but i guess thats just how it be now

#text post #i am trying to be better about being Honest about these things #both to myself and outward #bc 1 toxic masculinity and 2 #if it was not earned Now then when could it ever possibly be but #the lol rolleyes of course you dont reaction i get #whenever i also try and emphasize that this is not something i normally Do #ever #in Decades #in a number of times i can count on one hand #makes me also want to grind the entire world into dust #which is exhausting and inevitably ruins the rest of the day #this entire experience has felt like whatever the emotional equivalent of culture shock is #because i Just Dont Care and Never Have #but you write sth like that down and sound like you're trying to be Coolguy Toughman Manufactured Personality #anyway this one isnt going to last long just far too many thoughts this morning

[yaranyarai]

hot take: lord huron songs are the inverse of hozier, because they’re all about being a powerful cryptid cursed forever to walk the earth telling your story as opposed to dating one

#this is the mood #lord huron

[yaranyarai]

The Drifter has me wrapped around his finger.

#other people's art #destiny

[yaranyarai]

got caught existing. embarrassing 

[yaranyarai]

aragorn but he looks like idris elba did in thor: ragnarok

#i love viggo but this is a very good post

[yaranyarai]

I made all kinds of shitty, backwards, obsolete jokes when I used to try to be funny on like 1999 webforums and newgrounds and started doing a gag comic but as I got older and I interacted with more people and was exposed to more conversation, guess what, I stopped finding certain things funny. I didn’t just “comply with  political correctness” and keep them to myself. I just ceased to see humor in those things because they were mean for no reason, they didn’t make me happy, they weren’t necessary, they didn’t attract people into my life who were especially kind or enjoyable to talk to and I eventually realized that I only regarded those things as comedy material to begin with because everyone else was doing it and it generated upvotes.

#text post #this basically #same

[yaranyarai]

#puppyblog #ibizan hound

[yaranyarai]

found some very old pictures of my very first reactive, dog-aggressive, hw+, completely-hairless-from-mange, proper-through-a-rescue-and-not-just-on-my-own foster. when i contacted the rescue after seeing her, i suggested to them that i had experience, and that i knew what i was doing. i was so incredibly wrong her intake name was candy, but to me, she is forever The Awful Swan, for no other name will convey her entire being to you as well as that one. i learned many things from The Awful Swan. i learned the difference between a dog fight and a Dog Fight. i learned that with a dog who has never been in a home before, there is not a single thing you can take for granted. (The Awful Swan remains my second most expensive dog, costing a mirror, a dishwasher, and a vacuum cleaner, among other lesser things). i learned to be far, far more vigilant and thorough in my introductions to other dogs, other people, and inanimate objects it took an entire year to grow her into an adoptable dog -- one that will be “unpredictably” dog aggressive forever, but one that was functional, with a basic understanding of life with people, and cars, and leashes, and dishwashers, and reflections, and not going to the bathroom on own your bed and then lying down in it. if you are wondering how i accomplished this, the answer is “wrong.” think of a thing that you can do wrong and that is the thing that i did. i owe so much of her successful socialization to my own dogs, who unfairly endured this thing they did not ask for. and most of all i owe to gentle, unflappable, but fearless-in-correcting-bullshit-70-pound-Cade. from The Awful Swan i also learned that it was not only important that i was prepared for the commitment of a difficult foster, it was important that my own dogs were, too every single day with her was emotionally exhausting, even when it was rewarding and successful, and while in all ways it was a terrible decision that i was not ready for, months and months of weekly (!!) adoption events and advertising finally found her a home. the family who chose her received what i can only call a truly intimidating summary of her requirements and capabilities -- and, today, years and years later, she’s still with them. i will never forget that woman quietly saying, “she’s so pretty.” that is the last thing i learned -- somewhere, eventually, if you can find them, there is the right person for every single awful swan

#dogblr #puppyblog #text post #long post #longpost #i wish her well in all she does #note the toys just lying about on the floor #that was my crowning achievement

[yaranyarai]

the fact that daedra had to stop opening gates in black marsh because the argonians kept reverse-invading them is so funny to me it was just like

daedra: we’re invading

argonians: no, we’re invading

#yeah

[yaranyarai]

Matthias Erryl Sumner

#this game made an npc just for me and i'm glad for it #also very good gifset #so few people are making anything #anthem #matthias

[yaranyarai]

fat middle aged loser starts crying in a fucking hobby lobby over a stepping stone with a red dog collar on it at this point i feel like a cartoon of myself

#this is all i use tumblr for any more i guess #three weeks #nothing ever improves or changes it just goes forward

[yaranyarai]

i set a picture of you as a background and for a second it was almost like you were looking back at me and everything just started all over again nothing ever improves or changes it just goes forward

[yaranyarai]

tonight it has been two weeks. the list of things i don’t ever want to forget about you is now eleven pages long and i add to it every day. the anniversaries are the worst the worst the worst

at my most selfish i feel like i was fucking cheated and like something was stolen from me. we didn’t get to know. we didn’t get to choose. you were here and then you were dying in my arms and all of those last moments were wasted, panicking, driving, in a waiting room. we didn’t get our wonderful fucking last day that it feels like everyone else in the world gets to have. we didn’t get to go everywhere you love and buy you a bunch of stupid fucking food and let you go to sleep in your favourite place, at home, where you were comfortable, and only when you were ready, only when you were done, only when there was nothing left i could fight for you.  and when i get to that, when i get over how little i matter in all of this, i know that you were the one who was cheated. because you weren’t done. you were trying until the end. you have always been in such good health for your age. your last trip to the vet was less than a month ago. you could have seen three more years. you still danced for your food that same afternoon. you still wanted to watch me cook, just in case. you still went outside to walk around the fence. i will see you trying to stand up again for the rest of my life. every time i had to put you down you tried so hard to stand up every last bit of idiotic performative fucking grief and penance benefits absolutely no one but me and in the seconds i had to tell you anything you already couldn’t hear me and it wouldn’t have mattered if you could. and i know it and i’m so, so sorry. i only hope some part of you knew i was there. i wanted to be there

#just dont read it you know what its about #im honetsly not seeking validation i just #have to feel like i wrote it somewhere #and even scrolling past it is support enough #i know im awful rn #thank you for just letting it go by #text post #nothing ever improves or changes it just goes forward

[yaranyarai]

“Just that,” said the fox. “To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world….”

[yaranyarai]

ten months. fifteen years. i miss you, i miss you, i miss you

[yaranyarai]

tonight it will be a week since you’ve left but over and over i feel like i’ve only just realized you’re gone. it feels like i will never stop sobbing. i hate it. every song, every letter, every thing i read, every single place i look i can imagine you lying there trying to get up again. a service dog in the checkout line at target turned around to look at me and all i could see was your crisp little black and white puppy mask. it wakes me up at night over and over  i try not to make every single social media outlet i have an endless parade of this kind of depressing stuff but i just don’t know what else to do. actively talking about it only makes it worse but i feel like i have all of these thoughts with nowhere to go  and in most of the places i would say something about it well-meaning people just immediately point out that i'm acting like i’ve completely lost my mind and i just get so irrationally angry and then it starts all over again i have never been the kind of person who keeps many other human beings close but out of them all everyone has been far more kind than i deserve and i hate that it feels like nothing helps i don’t even know if doing this helps, i don’t even know if i have lost my mind. i keep telling myself that grief is only for me. it can’t help you, now. and i know that i couldn’t have saved you. and i know that was beside you until the end. when things first began to be difficult for you i told myself that no matter what i had to do i would fight for you as long as you still wanted to stand, and grumble, and dance for your food in the morning. i just never imagined that it would happen so fast that i wouldn’t have the chance. every second i spent paying attention to absolutely anything else feels like i just fucking squandered the most incredible thing in the world

#nothing ever improves or changes it just goes forward