browneyedreamer

[browneyedreamer]

There is something devastating about growing up in the house of a man made of storms.

How violent for the soul, to disassemble and rebuilt yourself every night to get rid of every piece of you he seems to disaprove of.

How humiliating, to run in every direction at his will only to find out he never intended for you to win the race anyway.

Yet you keep trying; demeaning yourself when he isn't around to do it himself, silencing your needs to better accommodate him, feeding him the pieces of you that are left untouched.

Your entire self become a secret preciously locked behind the facade you so carefully built to protect yourself.

And when you finally have the freedom to be angry about having to protect yourself from the very person who was supposed to keep you safe, years later, you still can't talk about it.

You're the only one who saw his thunder, how can you expect people not to believe him when he says you're the one who put the house on fire?

#writers on tumblr #writing #be your own inspiration #prose #spilled thoughts #father #father and child #daughterhood #abusive father #emotional abuse #psychological abuse #abusive parent

[browneyedreamer]

My mother and I, two reflections of the same mirror.

We have in common the shapes of our faces and eyes, the colour of our anger – red, red, red. Goes so well with the freckles on the bridges of our noses.

#writers on tumblr #writing #be your own inspiration #romanticising life #mother and daughter #like mother like daughter

[browneyedreamer]

The air has been suffocating for weeks, but last night it finally started raining and I randomly thought "what a perfect weather to dance outside".

I'm not here to tell you the usual "things get better" because sometimes they don't. I'm here to tell you that no matter what low point you reach in your misery, one day you'll be able to think about dancing in the rain and maybe it will be enough.

#be your own inspiration #romanticising life #spilled thoughts #dancing in the rain #it gets better #it gets easier #life gets better #depression #sadness goes away

[browneyedreamer]

"They say love only last for two or three years. Mom and you still love each other though, so what's the secret?"

His father's gaze fell on the photograph of his wedding day placed above the fireplace. Things were silent for a minute, as the man tried to organise his thoughts and find a suitable answer.

"I don't think there is a secret, son. I fell in love with your mother when I was sixteen and by the time I married her we were twenty-two. It was hard at first. I had these ideas and expectations of what married life would be but by the time we married she had grown and wasn't quite as shy or insecure as she used to be when we met. It turned out to be for the better, the last forty one years have been fun."

He paused at that, assessing his son who was eagerly listening.

"Maybe that's the secret you're looking for. Know the person you're falling for will inevitably grow and evolve and be willing to get to know and fall for every version of them they'll present to you."

#writers on tumblr #writing #ao3fic #ao3 writer #fic writing #writing about love #love #james potter #james fleamont potter #fleamont potter #hp fic

[browneyedreamer]

The love of El's life

We were in the middle of a conversation like any other when she told me I was the love of her life. She was smiling and we joked about it, exchanged some carricatural pet names.

I think about it, of the past six years we spent laughing and drying each other's tears and I realise it was a love story all along. What is friendship if not love? A platonic, non-romantic love, but love nonetheless.

What love can claim to be purer than those of two teenagers who held each other's hand in their entrance into adulthood?

#writers on tumblr #writing #prose #spilled thoughts #be your own inspiration #romanticising life #intimacy #love story #friendship #friendship is the best ship

[browneyedreamer]

What about daughterhood?

People talk a lot about motherhood. Wanting a child or not, becoming a mother, raising a child, managing the duality of being an independent individual and the one person someone is fully dependant on. The tears, the nerves, the guilt and the love.

The writers said it all, about those meant to be mothers and those who weren't meant to be but only realised it when it was already too late.

I want someone to talk about being a daughter, for once.

About the constant comparison with our mothers from the people around us that lead to frantically looking at pictures of your mom in search of something you can't quite put a name on. The similarities people talk so much about, or the proof you are two different people. The feeling of looking at your mother and thinking "this is what I could be in thirty years". The need to hug her, crawl on her laps like when you were five years old. The need to distance yourself to break the mutual mirror of what could have been and what could be. The resentment, the memories. The fear of never being enough, never becoming as great or kind or strong. The loneliness that comes with carrying your mother's expectations.

Let's talk about those who don't want to become mothers in fear of being a mother just like the one they had growing up.

Let's talk about the burden of being a daughter.

#motherhood #daughterhood #writers on tumblr #writing #prose #spilled thoughts #be your own inspiration #romanticising life #being someone's child is hard

[browneyedreamer]

To be known is to be loved

There is this quote I read somewhere about how knowing someone is a love language. I think about it a lot when I spend time with my best friend.

She orders for me when I am late and she wants everything to be ready when I arrive.

We buy each other's favorite flowers on a regular basis.

We have a playlist dedicated to our hang out time.

We send each other podcasts we know the other would appreciate.

At the end of the day, what is intimacy if not two friends preparing each other's tea?

#writing #writers on tumblr #spilled thoughts #intimacy #best friends #platonic love #be your own inspiration #i love my best friend #romanticising life

[browneyedreamer]

Mindlessly scrolling through tumblr in bed, yesterday's makeup still on my face and a borrowed pair of sweatpants on my legs.

He is asleep next to me. His hand grazes my ribcage when he moves and his snoring is the only sound to break the stillness of the early morning.

Later, I'll have to get up and go back home, and he'll have to leave for work.

Right now though, I am at peace.

#journaling #prose #writers on tumblr #writing #moments of happiness #romanticizing life #romanticizing my own life #earlymorning

[browneyedreamer]

I want to go home

There are tears in my eyes and I lay in bed, trying to fall asleep.

"I want to come back home." The text is sent to Joh, as if he'll be able to teleport me back in my bed on the other side of the spanish border.

I conveniently forget about all those times I said I wanted to leave home. What even is this home I'm talking about?

My mother's house, the city I live in, the bar my friends and I always go to, my bed at my godfather's place? So many possibilities and not a single answer.

Somehow, I am both homeless and at home in so many places I can't choose one to long for when away.

"I wish you were home too."

His answer warms my heart and for a minute I wish he could be my answer.

He isn't though, and so I remain homeless and simply longing for the idea of getting away from where I am.

#i want to go home #writing #home is a person #prose #writers on tumblr #spilled thoughts #romanticizing my own life #romanticizing life

[browneyedreamer]

I learned intimacy was a thing to fear after I realised all the stories my skin had to tell.

The birth mark just below my collarbone I so firmly believed was a mark left by whatever killed me in my past life as a teenager.

Small scars left on my knees after accidents on the playground as a child.

Bigger scars left on my wrist by my own nails when I was at my lowest.

A few freckles on the left side of my nose inherited from my mother.

Tattoos both meant to give me the confidence to display some parts of me I used to hate and to remind me of the lessons life taught me.

Body hair I am either too tired or lazy to shave.

So many stories that say so much about me as a person and what my life has been so far. If they see my skin, they'll see me. The good, the bad, the funny stories and the ugly parts alike.

However can I be both seen and loved?

#writers and poets #prose #writers on tumblr #writing #fear of intimacy #my writing #writing about trauma #how can i be seen and loved? #writing about love #intimacy #scars

[browneyedreamer]

if you would be so kind as to reblog this if you feel insecure about your writing skills.

[browneyedreamer]

Blurry picture

People are singing, dancing, drinking. Taking selfies to post on Instagram and play-fighting about the next song we should listen to and God, that is the closest thing to care-free I have been in a while.

And there they are, kissing and whispering into each other's ear. There is no music, no friends, just the two of them. Maybe we truly don't exist, or maybe getting engaged create a certain kind of magic that separate you from the rest of the world.

I wouldn't know, but I am happy nonetheless. The memories of her blushing whilst telling me of their engagement and of the smile that illuminated his face when I mentioned it to him are still fresh in my mind, and so I grab my phone to take a picture.

It is blurry, just the shape of two bodies pressed against each other in the blue and red lights of the room.

Later, I'll look at it and tear up a bit. Not of sadness, never because of their relationship. Jealousy is eating me alive. I want what they have.

Someone to blush and smile about. Someone to kiss under the colored lights of a dark room. Someone who'll call me when I'm drinking coffee with my friends to tell me about the state of our application for an apartment. Someone to come home to.

I want to love and be loved. Desperately.

#love #writing #writers on tumblr #spilled thoughts #be your own inspiration #my friend just got engaged if you couldn't tell #prose #craving love #can someone love me #can i be loved #romanticizing my own life #romanticizing life

[browneyedreamer]

Joh's blue sweater

"It’s just the right size!" I joked, all bright smile and shining eyes. He just laughed as he watched me swirl to prove just how well his oversized sweater fited me. It fell past mid-thigh and the sleeves went way past my fingers, but he thought me beautiful in it, I saw it in his eyes and so I thought so too. "Wear it to get back home."

"I'm not ready to be someone's boyfriend" he said, and it took everything in me to stop the corner of my lips from droping. "I'd love to keep getting to know you though, but I'm not asking you to wait for me or anything." I wanted to hit him, scream at him for being so funny and sweet and lovable all this time while knowing he wouldn't want for us to be in a real relationship. For asking me out, being the best first date of my short life and sitting with my legs on his and his hand on my knee too. "I understand," I replied, and I did, but it didn't make it hurt any less. I knew I would wait though, because we had something, I knew we did, and maybe the wait would be worth it.

"Maybe he'll change his mind ? What matters most is that you protect yourself though." I read Mae's reply to my rant text about last night and replied I would, whilst knowing I wouldn't. Who would, after meeting someone they know they could fall in love with who is also someone things could work out with? And it's only been a week, a week of talking everyday, seeing each other as often as possible, flirting and cuddling. Who knows how things will work out? I have yet to give him his sweater back.

I see his sweater still hanging by my door and put it on, just to get warm, just because I'm too lazy to go to my wardrobe to grab one of mine, or so I tell myself. I lay in my bed and I want to cry, because it smells like him. Something fresh and acidulous. The same smell I smelt when he kissed me or when he sat with his side pressed against mine and his arms around my shoulders on his friend's couch. I want to cry but I still keep it on, because I am nothing but a fool allowing herself to fall for someone who doesn't want the same thing she does. I imagine myself months or even years in the future, still waiting for him and suddenly I am angry.

So what if he says I'm beautiful and wonderful and perfect? So what if he holds the door and pulls out my chair and doesn't care if his friends see him being so sweet with me? So what if his hands feel nice on my body and his breath against my ear make me want to tear off his clothes? What about it if he won't commit to me, offer me more than "maybe in the future" and "relationships aren't all black and white, I want shades"?

I am angry but still wearing his sweater. Maybe the only problem is that I am nothing but a fool.

#writing #writers on tumblr #romanticising life #my love life is a train wreck #love problems #prose #romanticizing my own life #romanticizing life