Murasakibara, labelling his bento: DO NOT EAT MY LUNCH. I HAVE 7 SHRIMP AND 4,377 RICE.
Kasamatsu: I know you're making jokes about how attractive you are to hide your sadness.
Kise, sobbing: It's not a joke! I'm a legit snack!
Kagami: Aomine, you are drunk.
Aomine,slurring: You are beautiful.
Kagami: Damn, you are really drunk.
Kagami: How are things?
Kuroko, staring into a milkshake cup: Please don't make me think about my life.
Kise, on a daily basis, at any minor inconvenience: Tragic that someone this sexy has to go through this much.
Kagami: *gets down on one knee*
Akashi: Oh my God, it’s finally happening.
Kagami: *falls over*
Akashi: The poison is kicking in.
Kagami: *pushing a door that says 'pull'*
Aomine, filming him: Just push harder.
Kuroko: Oh! Aren't you a beautiful boy?
Kise: Thanks! I'm experimenting with backcombing.
Kuroko: *kneels down to pet a cat*
Kagami, meeting Kuroko: You're --
Kuroko: Intimidating? Awe-inspiring?
Kuroko: Of course. I'm travel-sized for your convenience.
Riko: I'm going to need you to swear --
Kagami, immediately: FUCK
Riko: I meant swear as in promise.
Aomine: I think about you, too. I mean, I masturbate about you a lot.
Kagami: Okay, that's --
Aomine: Too much?
Kagami: No, that's just. I wasn't expecting that.
Himuro: I got this friendship ring for you!
Kagami: I'm not really a jewelry person.
Himuro: Oh... you don't have to wear it...
Kagami: No, it will make me even more awesome. I'm wearing it forever.
Midorima: Could you not stand so close? You're making me claustrophobic.
Aomine: What does claustrophobic mean?
Kise: It means he's afraid of Santa Claus.
Midorima: No it doesn't --
Aomine: HO HO HO!
Kise: Stop it, Aominecchi! You're scaring him!
Kuroko: Midorima-kun is claustrophobic.
Aomine: Claustrophobic? Who'd be afraid of Santa Claus??
The rest of the GoM:
Aomine: Jewish people.
Mayuzumi: I bet you haven't done a single good deed today.
Akashi: That's not true at all. In fact, just this morning I prevented a murder.
Mayuzumi: Oh? How did you manage that?
Aomine: Hey, Akashi! Guess what?
Akashi: Am I going to have to kill you?
Aomine, drunk: What did you say?
Kagami, also drunk: When?
Aomine: Just a second ago.
Kagami: Oh. I said, "when"?
Kise: Sometimes I miss the old Teiko team.
Kise: Kurokocchi... Aominecchi... uhhh...
Kise: You know, I forget all their other names.
Nijimura: If you've got any questions, just ask.
Aomine: If a bear and a shark had a fight, who would win?
Nijimura: ...If you've got any relevant questions, just ask.
Momoi: Just tell him "You're beautiful."
Aomine: That's a good idea. Thanks.
Aomine, to Kuroko: I'm beautiful.