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melomanic-logophile · 1 month

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I don’t know what to do anymore… I don’t feel like I’m even controlling my own body or life in any way. Sometimes I can’t tell if I’m dreaming or not, and I sometimes believe that things, which happened in a dream, truly happened until halfway through the day. I constantly want to cry, scream, run away from everything, d1e… Mental health is bad even though i’m still taking meds. I can’t bring myself to reach out to anyone because I don’t want them to feel bad, but i’m becoming bitter and I’m always on edge.

I don’t know how I’m going to keep going at this rate.

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melomanic-logophile · 1 month

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is anything real?

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melomanic-logophile · 1 month

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I haven’t felt truly okay in so long, and when I get low I get too low. It’s all so suffocating and hateful. Life is too exhausting and the good things don’t make it worth it. I wish it did, but I’m much too desensitized for happiness, cause Im too sad. This pain is turning to bitter rage and self hatred, which I already have enough of. Every night makes me wonder when the last night will arrive. sorry this is edgy and ‘deep’ i’m just depressed again.

#mental health #vent blog #mental illness #trauma #ptsd #tired #vent

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melomanic-logophile · 3 months

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Never thought I’d get this far, damn.

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melomanic-logophile · 3 months

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Remembering when I told someone my life expectancy is prob in my 60s and they were confused…

Things that shorten your life expectancy (that you may not think about):

Trauma/ PTSD/ mental health

Lack of activity (sitting all day every day)

Sleep deprivation (getting less than 7-8? hours)

Pessimism/ negativity

Lack of socializing ☠️ (I think online friends count)

excessive/ constant stress

Not flossing (yes really)

Not reading enough

Not leaving the house often/enough

Using phone too much 💀💀💀

#mental health #mental illness #ptsd #life expectancy #health #stay healthy #don’t worry #be happy #it’ll be okay #oof #tired #mental health awareness #health and wellness #health tips #healthyliving #live life breathe air #life is complex

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melomanic-logophile · 3 months

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Mini playlist to get out emotions:

#music #mini playlist #playlist #gothic #sad #tired #Spotify

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melomanic-logophile · 4 months

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It doesn’t matter that I wasn’t good enough, but sometimes it feels like it’s all that matters.

#mental health #vent blog #trauma #mental illness #ptsd #tired #vent #childhood trauma #mentally exhausted #trauma blog

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melomanic-logophile · 4 months

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It’s a new year, I have realistic hopes, but idk… it’s feeling like a bit of vices causing me to have breakdowns while I try to hide it from my family again this year ❤️ it’s all so tiring

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melomanic-logophile · 7 months

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I type out into the void

that I am nothing

and the void answers with silence

#mental health #vent blog #trauma #mental illness #ptsd #tired #vent #childhood trauma #mentally exhausted #depression #anxiety #ocd #trauma blog #writing

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melomanic-logophile · 7 months

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I can’t sleep, instead I lie awake with my eyes closed while every anxiety and horror known to me flashes back and forth in my brain with no way to stop it.

#mental health #vent blog #trauma #mental illness #ptsd #tired #vent #childhood trauma #mentally exhausted #im so tired #insomnia #i need sleep #ocd #anxiety #how long will this last #depression

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melomanic-logophile · 7 months

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balling my eyes out at 5am seems like it’s becoming a regular occurrence again :(

#mental health #vent blog #trauma #mental illness #ptsd #tired #vent #childhood trauma #mentally exhausted #sleep disorder #sleepy #mentally unstable #mentally tired

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melomanic-logophile · 7 months

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I believe you will :) I wish you luck in your travels !! May they be as bright and beautiful as you are

This made me cry, thank you. I wish I could believe in myself more, but for now, thank you kind stranger for believing for me.

#mental health #vent blog #trauma #mental illness #ptsd #childhood trauma #mentally exhausted #struggling mentally #struggles #struggle #mental health awareness #mentally unstable

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melomanic-logophile · 7 months

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So many things I want to do, so many places I want to go. I want to live in Japan and Australia at some points, probably Canada as well. I want to help others, own a house, hike cool places, try good foods… Sometimes it feels like I will never reach these goals because of my instability but I hope I will. I am honestly scared that I will do something rash someday before I get to do anything I dream of doing. I hope things get better.

#mental health #vent blog #trauma #mental illness #ptsd #goals #sad #worries #trauma victim #trauma survivor #sa survivor #csa survivor #abuse survivor #cocsa survivor

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melomanic-logophile · 7 months

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I cry, get angry, it gives me a migraine, I hurt, I hurt, I try to sleep, nightmares where I relive horrors, I wake, do it all again, I hurt.

#mental health #vent blog #trauma #mental illness #ptsd #tired #childhood trauma #mentally exhausted #vent #trauma vent #vent post #tw vent #mental health awareness #exhausted #dread #tw depressing stuff #despair #depressing poem #poetry

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melomanic-logophile · 7 months

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Thinking about how I want to write a book about my experiences, or make like, a youtube documentary, or something,, but how I don’t know if I could pull that off because my thoughts are scrambled all the time and it’s hard to make a complete sentence, let alone talk about everything I experienced in detail.

But how else will I help people, and how else will people know what I went through?

#mental health #vent blog #trauma #mental illness #ptsd #tired #childhood trauma #sad #upset #writing #video making #words #thoughts

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melomanic-logophile · 7 months

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I can’t handle it i can’t handle it i can’t handle it i can’t handle it i can’t handle it i can’t handle it i cant

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melomanic-logophile · 8 months

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List of reasons I need to stay alive (because it’s getting bad again and I need to remind myself constantly):

I need to be here/there for my little sibling and be able to give them continuous love and support

Take care of my cat, I know someone else could but just thinking about abandoning her hurts me

Care for my plants, because I don’t want to sell or give them away and they’d die without me (at least some would)

Spend more time with my friends, and be there for them if they need. Also to see them succeed.

At least try to reach my goals, even if I can’t reach them I can give it my best effort

Walk in nature, go to the beach, and feel cold weather

Visit a tropical/Subtropical rainforest and see amazing frogs and creatures in the wild

Watch new movies coming out soon and youtube videos that make me happy

Listen to music Ive never heard before and feel emotions, so I know that I am not alone, and that maybe everything will truly work out in the end

Eat amazing foods at least once, try Japanese 7/11 foods, Italian pasta in Italy, a truly french baguette, etc

Make music that helps others or at least helps me get out how Im feeling

Make more art, improve my skills, maybe be in a gallery at least once

Outlive my abusers, because I deserve more out of this life just to spite them and maybe be truly happy some day

Have my own home one day, where I will feel safe, and be able to make it undeniably feel like it is mine

I cannot die before I have had the chance to actually live my life

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