#BUT this has been a HUGE fucking story and case in my family since I was born

[waluigisgaybf]

MY GREAT GRANDMA WHO WAS MURDERED BEFORE I WAS EVEN I THOUGHTS KILLER WAS CAUGHT BABEY!!!!!!!!!!!

#ngl I’ll totally link anyone to an article if they want it #Its not like an emotional thing for me cause I didnt fucking know her- #BUT this has been a HUGE fucking story and case in my family since I was born #so many discussions and conversations about it #so many retellings #who did it #why #whose covering it up and why? #cause it was a legit unsolved case that WAS covered up for some reason #because they recently found a HUGE box of ALL of the evidence from the scene- #THAT WAS NEVER PROCESSED AND WENT MISSING #my aunt recently forced them to reopen it all again and then they found the box #I think the case was on some unsolved mystery thing too actually #ALSO ITS DEFINITELY NOT #BUT APPARENTLY A LOT OF THE TOWN THINKS THE BUILDING SHE WAS KILLED IN IS HAUNTED #YEARS AGO I WALKED BY THE BUILDING AND MY FRIEND LIKE RAN TO MY OTHER SIDE AND REFUSED TO WALK CLOSE TO IT #BECAUSE SOMEONE WAS KILLED THERE AND HAUNTED IT #AND I LOST MY SHIT LAUGHING TBH- #LIKE WELL BUDDY- #THATS INTERESTING TO HEAR- #WANT TO HEAR WHAT I KNOW ABOUT THE PERSON WHO WAS MURDERED???

[galvanizedfriend]

what are your top ten favorite klaroline fics?

Hello, nonnie! I see your asks have made the rounds. Really nice to see lots of rec lists circulating!

I had to give this a thought. It's very hard to come up with just 10. I could easily do a part II. 😂 But without further ado, and in no particular order, 10 of my favorite KC fics:

. The Parisian Deal by Borzoi

I honestly vary between The Parisian Deal and Paradise Lost as my favorite Borzoi fics. It depends. I think I'm in my Parisian Deal era, though. I've recced this a few times over the last few months, whenever someone's asked me for my favorites or humanity-less Caroline fics. For me, this is the best one that comes to mind. Borzoi's fics are all brilliant. I love their writing style to bits. It reads like a novel, it draws in and it grips you by the throat until the very end. This one features Klaus being called to the rescue by a desperate Salvatore clan when Caroline turns off her humanity and fucks off to Europe. Unlike her friends, Klaus doesn't threaten her, doesn't try to force her to feel; instead, he offers her a deal. And it's perfect. I love this story with my whole heart, I can't even tell you.

. In the Backseat by Lila2

After leaving Hayley as a wolf in the Bayou and earning the hatred of his entire family, Klaus shows up with baby Hope on Caroline's doorstop. He has no idea what to do with a baby, is too proud to apologize and is in desperate search of some validation, which invariably leads her back to her (just like in 5x11). Caroline is torn between being mad at him for having a baby with freaking Hayley, and also the fact that she loves kids and there's a part of her that resents him precisely because he gets to have them, when she never will. In her own way, Caroline puts him in his place and convinces him to make amends and go home, take Hope back to her mother - but only if she comes with him on the road trip. And boy, is it worth it. 🥰 It's a fic that has the baby as a catalyst for everything, at the center of everyone's woes in different ways, but it's not about the baby, in case you're a baby fic hater. And the writing is just chef's kiss.

. the birth and death of the day by @little-miss-sunny-daisy

For a good while there, this fic was my entire fandom personality. Whenever anyone gave me a second of their time, I'd preach about the birth and death of the day. I was obsessed. Kelly is a brilliant writer, so, so, so talented. I am not kidding when I saw I wish I could write like her. And the greatest proof of that is how this fic was everything to me, in spite of not being at all my cup of tea on the tin. I don't like Supernatural, I never watched more than two episodes, and the Klaroline bit here kind of takes on a secondary role to the end of the of the world. But it's such an intense and brilliant character study on Caroline that it had my whole heart from the start. Her relationship with her BROTHERS Dean and Sam is so heartfelt, and it exposes so much of who Caroline really is as a character. The plot is INSANE and AMAZING and HUGE and it's so incredible how it ties in so seamlessly with the Mystic Falls shenanigans. And then there is Klaus! When I saw secondary, I don't mean irrelevant. I just mean there's more to the story than just their relationship. But it is still brilliantly developed. Honestly, just writing about it brings me back memories. I love it so much.

. Quiet Light by @definedareasofuncertainty

I am biased when it comes to Luiza's fics because I'm a fangirl and I have been one since day one, before we even became friends. But in the years (years 🥲 we have been here so long, friend) we have known each other, her writing has only gotten better and better. It's atmospheric and understated and it has this mindfulness about it that I can't really explain. It really feels like being in the characters' stream of thinking, you get instantly pulled into it. It evokes emotions without it ever having to be minutely described, and I think that's such an incredible talent. I wish I could write like this! And Quite Light not only brings all of those things forward, but it also brings COMPLEXITIES and MORAL QUARRELLS and it was also WRITTEN FOR ME. 😌✨ Luiza thought she was getting revenge on me by torturing Elijah, but LITTLE DID SHE KNOW I actually loved it. I went into this thinking it would be just a rom-com style story (which I love), but it's so much more. By the end I was crying real tears. 🥲 It becomes such a beautiful story about the relationship between Klaus and Elijah. Honestly brilliant.

. light years by @definedareasofuncertainty

Honestly, this fic has a very specific target audience, and that target audience is ME. I'm not even exaggerating; this is one my favorite pieces of fic ever written in the KC fandom. The way a Klarolijah fic speaks to me can be so personal. 🥺 I love the Klarolijah dynamic. I really do. But it takes a very specific balance for me to feel it. It can very easily go from me loving it, to me wanting to throttle someone. And this! THIS!! This is absolutely it. 🥲 And it's just about my favorite thing ever. This is actually three mini drabbles combined into one. Each of them is written through a different POV - Klaus', Elijah's and Caroline's. And the combination of all three, the way they tell the same story through different eyes, is just !!!!!!!!! Honestly, I don't have words. This has ✨Yokan my beloved✨ written all over it and I feel it very much. Luiza has a ridiculous talent for writing things on the spot. She got prompted to write an Elijah piece, and then a Caroline piece, and then a Klaus one, and she wrote them all in like 30 minutes on one of her mini drabbles challenge, and OH MY FUCKING GOD. I hate her for how good she is. 😭 (I don't, I love her, but I also v much envy her talent).

. this is a harvest by @highgaarden

I spent a solid few minutes here thinking about which of Hannah's fics I wanted to list, because she has this huge catalogue and I've basically read all of them and have gushed over almost every single one over the years. But even though there are others that could easily be in my top 10, I always end of going back to This is a Harvest. I remember when I first read it, I closed the tab at the end and was just… Done. Not in a 'I can't stand this story/ship/fandom anymore', but in a 'this is the fic to end all fics' kind of way. And it's not so much about the style or the writing, which are both stunning, but the way the story is told. It's a canon divergence that spans over years and I felt it in my heart that this was where the story could've gone. The choices they could've made. The way Caroline's story could and should have ended. And I was satisfied. I started writing and reading KC fanfiction after TO was over because I was so indignant about the way the show ended, so unhappy that I needed to give it my own spin, and read other folks doing the same, and when I read this story I felt like I had achieved that. This is it, I can put this to rest.

Obviously, I was way too deep by then that I couldn't really abandon the fandom (even though, just between us here, I kind of wish I could), but for a whole week or two, I was at peace. This fic gave me peace. That's it.

. Into the Woods by @jinxedwood

"But Yokan, how would you like to see Klaus' part in Legacies play out?" Like this. Exactly like this. This story accepts the finale we were dealt in The Originals, and then makes something absolutely amazing with it. I love the premise, I love the mythology involved, I love how unique this take is, and I love how even though it's poignant and bittersweet, it still packs up everything about Kc that made me love this ship so much. Caroline has been in Europe for years trying to find a way to help her daughters with their Gemini situation, and then she ends up stumbling across something else entirely. While she thought the thing she most wanted to see on a brief stint on the Other Side would be Gemini witches, her heart betrays her by taking her to who she really misses the most.

. it takes a while to settle down by theviolonist

This story is so old school it was written before Steroline. It's about Tyler. But we all know who Caroline ends up marrying, so in my heart, this is really what happens before Caroline marries Stefan. And honestly, it works just as well. This story is a punch to your stomach, but it is PERFECTION in 8k words. It's hot, it's bittersweet, it's SO in character. Caroline's denial, telling herself that Klaus is there to see her because he still ones revenge on Tyler, when it becomes very obvious, very fast, as it always does on the show, that it's never about Tyler, it's all about her. UGH. Honestly, brilliant. (third fic on this list with a The National reference on the title, I SENSE A PATTERN).

. As One Wishes to Live by @lalainajanes

I had never in my life read a genie!AU, and simply could not wrap my mind around anything of the sort that wouldn't be extreme crack!fic. Imagine my surprise upon reading this story. It's bittersweet in the best possible way. At the same time it's endearing and adorable (and so very IC) to watch Caroline fumbling for a fair and non-insane way to handle Klaus, the genie Katherine accidentally gifted her with (and who just happens to look incredibly alluring), it's so very poignant to read Klaus' POV. He's Klaus in the way that he's suspicious and dismissive and kind of snobbish, really, but he's resigned to his fate. This is a Klaus who has been broken by years of enslavement as this prop who's there exclusively to serve others. Every time he mentions one of his past masters, you just get that stab - and so does Caroline. Laine is one of the most prolific and talented KC writers ever, and I have read and enjoyed so, so many of her fics, but this definitely has a special place in my heart.

. Psychedelic Kicks by @notalittlebutalottie

This is an ensemble story that has Klaroline at heart, but that gives every other character a moment to shine. And shine they do! Everyone gets their own side stories, and absolutely loved following every single one of them. Lottie made me care for characters I hate in canon, like Katherine and Kol. Even Stefan and Elena had my heart here. This fic is a journey, full of ups and downs, and it has such a satisfying end. It's also incredibly original in its setting and tone, which I think it's one of Lottie's greatest talents. It's very are for historical fics to be set in the 60s, and not only did Lottie choose this very particular time, but she also did such a remarkable job incorporating the decades' aspects into the story. Not just the fashion, and the music, and Woodstocky vibes, but the social and political unrest as well. This is a story with LAYERS, my friends, and it's incredible. I could totally see this being a TV show or a movie tbh. It's that good.

#klaroline #klaroline fic rec #klaus x caroline #yokan answers

[lulublack90]

About Me

Hi there, Lulu here.

I do have a real name but I prefer to go by Lulu on here and Ao3 so please use that.

I go by she/he/they. Call me what you want I don't mind. It changes day by day for me in the real world, but my friends and family don't know that.

I'm pansexual but again only a few people know that.

I'm in my 30's but have the maturity of a teenager unless I'm in parent mode when I have to pretend to be a grown-up (It does not last long!).

I am a huge huge huge Harry Potter fan (Fuck JK, she's a dick!) My house is full of so many HP-related items. In fact, I think every room has something in it, thank the gods my husband is also a massive nerd.

In case you can't tell I am Neurospicy. I am in the middle of getting diagnosed with ADHD and by that I mean I am procrastinating actually starting the process.

Now where was I?

Oh, yeah I like so much stuff I can't think what else to put here but yeah Harry Potter, mainly Marauders era but I love anything really.

My fav ships are Wolfstar (I've loved them since I was a young thing and didn't even know it was a thing." Jegulus (My new love.) Dramione (Lord have mercy) Drary (Lord I need more mercy) Pandalily (Meep!) Dorlene (Squeek!) I like Marylily as well but not as much, but I love them when I read them.

My asks are open and you can send me whatever you want, no hate please no one needs that in their life and Tumblr is my happy place don't spoil it.

Things that make me happy

You guys. Honesty it's Tumblr, I've only just really found this and all you amazing people who like my silly stories that I've only been writing regularly since December 23 when I found you all. My husband and son make me happy and so do my dogs and cats. I love watching storms and autumn. I read a lot, I crochet, I knit, I write. I am a huge fan of chocolate. If you give me chocolate I will be your friend.

Music

Bowie. Nuff said.

But yeah I like a lot of different stuff, it depends on my mood as to what I listen to. I drive my husband mad because I like songs by lots of people but I can't remember what they're called or who they're by.

Books

My all-time favourite book will always be Prisoner of Azkaban. It is my happy place.

My house is full and I mean full of books. I don't actually know how many I have but last time I estimated I had 300 in my bedroom alone. (There are piles of books in every room 😬)

ACOTAR!!!

Shows/movies

Harry Potter, The Martain, The Princess Bride, Labyrinth, Hunger games, Twilight (Don't judge me they got me through a dark time.), How to train your Dragon, Disney anything, plus others there are so many and I'm bored of listing.

Good Omens, Schitts Creek, Parks and Rec, Bake off, Handmaids tale, It's always sunny, community, Harbin hotel, archer, vampire diaries. Plus more but yeah typing.

Okay I think I'm done but who knows I might add more if I remeber.

Love you all

Lulu

xxx

My Ao3 List

These are my fanfics on my ao3

Bitten M- Remus, Sirius and James head to the forest for a fun full moon. Everything is going great until one of them has an accident. (This was the very first fanfic I wrote. It's okay.) Wolfstar. Complete.

The Prisoner T- Sirius Black has been wrongly imprisoned for 12 years. He's bided his time but now its time to escape and right the wrongs of the past.

The Prisoner of Azkaban as told by Sirius Black, filling in the gaps starting with his escape from Azkaban. Wolfstar. Complete.

The Cupboard E- Hiding from Filch and awaiting rescue things get a bit close in the cupboard between Remus and Sirius. Wolfstar smut one shot. Complete.

Birthday E(I think, I'm not good at telling) Sirius finds Remus alone in their dorm room instead of enjoying the party downstairs. Wolfstar. Complete.

The One That Got Away E- James agrees to throw a party at his house. Sirius asks to bring his little brother, how could that possibly affect James at all? Based on the micro fic series I wrote in January. Jegulus. Backcould Wolfstar. Incomplete.

Jegulus Prompt Series All the prompts I've written on here in one place.

Wolfstar Prompt Series All the prompts I've written on here in one place.

The Way They Were T - While Harry is clearning out Grimmauld Place he discovers that Wolfstar were a thing.

#lulublack90 writes #about me

[anohai]

A big issue with Seyka’s character arc in Burning Shores...

*clicks tongue* Fuck it. 

I debated over writing this out and posting it. Decided I might as well for not only my personal catharsis, but because it's been over 3 weeks since Burning Shores came out, I have had the time to mull things over more, talk with some friendly people who came to the some of the same conclusions I did, and really analyze everything. I’ve seen a sprinkle of other people expressing something similar to what I am about to cover, but I felt this deserved its own topic of conversation. 

And forewarn, there be spoilers. 

.

.

.

Of course, we're back to Seyka. I promise I'm not trying to pick on her. She actually has loads of potential, and I don't think she's a bad character. It's just she deserved better than what was shown in her overall character arc.

Last time, I wrote about the Seyloy romance, and why it is difficult (for some more than others) to feel good about it. This critique isn't going to be about that again in case you are wondering if I'm simply yelling louder in the echo chamber, but there will be some correlation to it. The more I played the DLC, the more I realized that while I still wasn’t sold on the romance, it wasn’t the root of why something felt off with Seyka’s story to me. So once the adrenaline of having a new shiny DLC to run around in wore off and was able to properly take my time soaking things in, this was the conclusion I came to: 

The biggest issue with Seyka's entire character arc is that they tried way too hard to make her near-exile situation comparable to Aloy's when it very, very much is not. 

In any capacity whatsoever. As to why? 

Seyka tells us at one point that she loves her tribe, her community, and has always felt she's had a place in it until recently. The reason she's in any hot water at all when we meet her is because she ran off and stole a diviner's focus. Seyka is a marine, not a diviner so we know this is considered a huge taboo among the Quen. They are a sovereign tribe with a classicist system where the people are allowed to know only what is deemed necessary based on their role and/or rank. Should rules be broken, we are left to assume based on our conversations with Alva and even interactions with the Ceo & Overseer Bohai in HFW that the royal family and those in charge are imposing & unforgiving enough that normally there are severe consequences. 

Luckily for Seyka, this isn't the case. 

The first time we follow her back to Fleet's End, we're met with those who are referred to as Compliance Officers who are wanting a nasty word or two with our new friend. We are brought to Admiral Gerrit, the real person in charge, and he is....actually quite understanding of Seyka's actions. He gives her a quick verbal slap on the wrist but proceeds to give her full permission to continue her search for her sister and their other missing people with the stolen focus on hand. He's humble enough to tell Aloy in a private conversation afterwards if you choose to talk to him that their faction of the expedition has been spread thin enough as it is and Seyka has already proven herself to be a valuable and skilled member. Enough so that he admits he’s become increasingly reliant on her regardless of only being a petty officer in title. This assessment is fair and kind. It’s more than I would have expected out of someone with such a high position among the Quen of all tribes. 

Seyka is given a huge safety net thanks to this swell guy. The compliance offers themselves can't do anything, and from what we see in the side quests, they are seemingly nothing more than a few school-yard bullies without any real authority to their position. They are annoying & petty at worst. All bark, no bite. As far as the rest of the Quen go, most individuals we come across seem either pretty cool or neutral with Seyka. It's not until later that we get any indication  there are some who are calling for her exile afterall, but we only know this because we hear it from Seyka instead of seeing it happen. People are talking, as they will, and she's furious about it. 

But really....the threat still isn't there. It never was. At least not to the extent I think we are supposed to believe it was. 

All things considered, Seyka was placed in a very privileged, advantageous position amongst those in her tribe. Along with the lack of visible threat, there is never any real tension shown minus a few grumblings expressed in the background when we first arrive in Fleet’s End. And despite how Aloy perceives her, Seyka isn’t exactly a black sheep here. Especially when you consider she never had any personal turmoil with the rest of her tribe until not long before the events of Burning Shores and happily tells you herself she has always felt like she’s belonged. She's pretty much allowed to do what she wants without much pushback, and I found myself rolling my eyes during the final scene where she says she's unsure of where she stands with her tribe. Seyka is not an outcast, and I, for one, was never convinced or afraid she was at real risk of becoming one. 

Which makes this all the more confusing when Aloy says she's an inspiration. An outcast in all but name. I'm willing to chalk some of this up to hormones talking and Aloy's growing infatuation taking a choke hold as most first time crushes will do. Except the problem here is that the writing clearly felt like we were meant to connect Seyka's strife with Aloy's on some level; carry the same sympathy for her that Aloy expresses, and see more of where their similarities hold up. 

And yet...

I felt more for Kotallo who was kicked from his initial clan because his leader saw him as a threat and then later, might as well have gotten demoted for losing an arm because his tribe sees him as near useless for it..

And Zo who lives among the most pacifist, peace-loving tribe and was admonished when she not only went to fight back in the Red Raids, but wanted to do something about the blight and their broken Land Gods..

And Talanah who had to fight against blatant sexism that many carry in her tribe and an actual attempt for her murder all because she wanted to move up in the Lodge and make things better..

And Aloy, herself, who was outcast at birth for simply being born without a mother. And spent her entire life with only the man who raised her for company. In one small valley. For 19 years. Because there was no choice for her. 

But somehow, we're supposed to see Seyka the same way Aloy does? Like no one she's ever met??

I...Really? 

I'm sorry, but I don't buy this rebel fighter, near-outcast ploy here. And saying she's unlike anyone Aloy has ever met feels like a slap in the face to not only Aloy, herself, but to some of her companions we have come to know & love in the first two games. Most of whom I'd argue have been through more hell because of their own tribes long before they even met her. Seyka's plight is trivial, inconsequential in comparison and no where near as crippling as Aloy's was or her friends. It's honestly frustrating that it feels suggested it is. 

What's worse is that this plotline is used as one big narrative tool to bring Seyka and Aloy closer on standing grounds outside of ability and personality. This essentially means Seyka and her entire character arc were written for the sole purpose of the romance. A character built for Aloy to quickly fall head over heels for and add progress in her own arc. I wrote last time that I can see this growth as an opportunity to explore romance further for Aloy with a pre-established character or two in H3. If I’m right & that happens to be the heart-wrenching, long-term, master plan Guerilla is going for, they have my applause (and my stress). Great for Aloy. In my opinion though, being created to be a love interest (lasting or not) for the main hero is a bit unfair to Seyka. 

She's clever, she's badass, and she isn't afraid to take action without permission and help where she can. Next to Aloy, however, she stands as a self-reflection of her. A spotless mirror as to who Aloy could have been had she grown up under a community as well. I would love to see Seyka break out on her own as an individual character that isn't in the context of romance if ever given the opportunity. 

Heck, if Guerilla wanted to in the eventuality they will be finished with Aloy's story, the Quen have easy potential to have an entire spinoff game revolved around them. We have a whole side quest in BS where a small group of Quen want to sneak focuses to non-diviners for the sake of knowing what's usually kept hidden from them. Hello, is that the beginnings of a rebellion, I see? And the world of Horizon has yet to be explored in places outside of the North American continent. Other tribes, different machines, more Old World locations, etc. Loads of potential everywhere. And guess what!? We practically have a budding main character on a silver platter: Seyka! She obviously has big enough main character energy. Might as well utilize it outside of a DLC if you can, and I don't mean for the next game. 

It's hard say for sure whether or not Seyka will remain a DLC character. No matter what fans say, the ending was left ambiguous. Not only because of the romance but also where Seyka's future lies. She knows about Nemesis, yet she tells Aloy she's unsure of what she wants to do after her faction reunites with the other half in San Francisco, whether it's going home or something else. I would think if Guerilla had solid plans to include her in H3 while they were developing Burning Shores, they would have written the ending where she either offers to stay behind in Legacy’s Landfall for a time like Alva does or Aloy asks for her aid to help fight against Nemesis. Something to make it more clear she's here to stay. We don't though, so as far as anyone outside of Guerilla is currently aware, Seyka is not guaranteed to play a big part in H3 if any at all. And remember, DLCs are meant to be an extension of the main game and are primarily optional. They are typically not a requirement for playing the next big installment as far as understanding the story goes. 

If she does show up in H3, the only thing I dread is the idea of her coming up and saying she's basically denounced her tribe because she still feels out of place and doesn't think she can belong afterall. Not to mention she has her sister, and after what happened with Kina, it would be a really bad look if she just decided to permanently leave her behind when her tribe isn't or never was trying that hard to push her away in the first place. And Seyka said it herself. She’s “not some weak-kneed sailor who abandons ship when the seas get rough,” and I’d like to believe she means it. It'd be one thing if she actually is forced into exile, but after the events of the DLC, she has too good of a repertoire for that to happen now. At least while she's outside of Quen homelands. 

(Btw, don't even get me started on Aloy's convo with Kina over "remember Seyka's been through a lot too" as if we didn't just rescue this poor girl from A CULT and nearly groomed into becoming this centuries-old dude's image of his dead wife. Like honey, I know you're in love but have some thought & tact here.) 

That’s about it. I will reiterate that as a character, I do actually like Seyka. As a self-imposed outcast? No. As Aloy’s love interest? That…needs some serious work. But as an individual who loves her tribe but will fight for what she believes in even if it means going against the royal, societal grain? Absolutely! And special kudos to Kylie Liya Page for bringing her to life. 

Also, if you want to read a review that summarizes everything I just ranted about better than I could manage, along with everything good and not-so-great when it comes to the DLC, I recommend this essay here by ariseis. 

If you made it to the end of this long rant, thanks for reading~ 

#horizon #horizon forbidden west #horizon zero dawn #hfw #burning shores #hfw burning shores #horizon forbidden west burning shores #seyka #burning shores spoilers #burning shores critique #guerilla

[storiesofsvu]

Fake it til You Make It

Elizabeth Donnelly x reader warnings: language, sass, smut mentioned? covers the 5+1 trope for @prentiss-theorem s bingo!

The Dilemma.

“Heard you took a plea on the Harrison case.” Liz’s sentence was spoken as she sauntered into your office, perching on the side of your desk as you finished scribbling something on the work in front of you.

“Hey now, I drove Buchanan up from the original offer before I accepted.”

“Good girl.” She praised with a wink and you laughed, “Kristen took the other SVU case, correct?”

“Yeah.” You let out a happy sigh, flipping the folder shut and leaning back in your chair.

“Means you’ve got time for an extended lunch then?”

“Only if you’re buying.” You grinned up at her and she scoffed, swatting at your shoulder while she stood from the desk.

“You want your fall bonus or not?” She teased and you rolled your eyes as you grabbed your blazer.

“Fine. I’ll pay. But it’s on you next time.”

“Seems fair.”  Liz shot you a playful smile as you scooped up you bag and followed her out of your office.

Since transferring into SVU you’d had a great relationship with Liz, even if she had been terribly intimidating for the first couple of months. Once you’d proved that you could hold your own against the detectives, that you were a whiz in the courtroom and happened to actually play by the rules, you’d shifted into her good books. Into the books that meant she liked you, that you were someone to be watched because she knew you’d go places. She took you under her wing like she did with a lot of previous A.D.A’s, her office becoming the automatic place that you went when you needed a sounding board, when you got stuck with a case, or couldn’t remember which law journal you saw a specific note in. There were evenings she’d be on her way out of the building only to find you still working away in your office and she’d bribe you out of there with the promise of dinner and drinks, first they were at local lounges, then they upgraded to her Brownstone, where she kept the good scotch.

Nights, lunches and coffee breaks that started out shooting the shit about work, spit balling court strategies based on the defence and presiding judge with Liz as your mentor shifted into ones about office gossip, the little whisperings in the hallways that everyone thought Liz didn’t hear. Then they became a way to escape work for an hour, you learnt about her past, her personal life and she heard stories about your family, friends, days back at law school. You became friends, and you took that with a large badge of honour, Liz was someone you looked up to, someone that you very much valued her opinion of you, having her call you an actual friend was the highlight of your month. She didn’t dole out that label very willingly.

It was on your slow walk back to the office from lunch that day that you paused in your words, stalling in your step as something caught your eye in the window of a shopping mall. Liz barely caught it in time to turn back, grinning at the way you tugged your lip into your mouth as you stared at the dress.

“See something you like?”

“It’s cute…” you muttered, “but I think it’s a little too fancy.”

“Hot date?” She asked and you snorted.

“Liz please, I just spent twenty minutes complaining about Tinder.” You laughed, “my sister’s engagement party is next weekend. I think the vibes are somewhere between brunch with the girlies and garden party, this could work for the wedding though….” Your head tilted for a moment and then you threw you head back and let out a groan, “fuck I hate this.”

“Weddings?”

“More so that it’s my younger sister, my much younger sister. Who has been obsessed with her wedding since she was like, six so you know it’s gonna be a huge, all out affair, no holding back on anything or any expense. I had high hopes for that last Tinder girl so all the invites I replied with a plus one and now I’ll have to suffer through it on my own. Better get ready for a million comments about how it’s lucky I’m a spinster cause there’ll be no money left for my wedding after this.”

“Oh come on.” Liz barked out a laugh, “you know a plus one doesn’t have to be a date, right? You can bring a friend. You said next weekend? Saturday or Sunday?”

“Saturday at four.” You sighed, turning away from the store and falling back into step beside her.

“Well then I guess you’re lucky Lena and I play poker on Sundays.”

“Wait..” Your head shot up to look at her, “you’ll come with me?”

“Sure, why not.” She smiled, linking her elbow with yours, “you said no expense spared and to me that sounds like an open bar and a lot of free food, who am I to say no to that and family drama?”

“Have I told you recently that you’re my favourite boss?”

“You don’t have to.” She grinned, “I already know everything.”

**

The Misunderstanding.

When Saturday rolled around you and Liz were pulling up to the Equinox Hotel at exactly four forty five. Early enough you wouldn’t be scolded for being tardy yet late enough that the rooftop terrace would be swimming with people who could distract your parents now that the party was in full swing. The terrace boasted incredible views of the Hudson River along with the rest of New York, a very well stocked bar, roaming cater waiters with various trays of food and a long table of hot food.

You were able to get to the bar without being noticed, both of you quickly downing a shot of maple whiskey, thanking the bartender for your cocktails before turning to the crowd. Liz’s eyes moved through the crowd, wondering if she was going to run into anyone she knew before she spotted her.

“Incoming.” She nodded over your shoulder, “white sundress, I’m assuming your sister. What was her name again, Jennifer?”

“Jessica.” You muttered and she chuckled at the way you chugged back half your cocktail before Jess was squealing in your ear, wrapping you in half a hug.

“Hiiii! I’m so happy you came!”

“Oh come on, you’re my sister, I wouldn’t miss it.” Smiling, you pressed a kiss to her cheek, “you look beautiful.”

“Thank you.” She beamed, squeezing at your hand, “love your dress, is it new?”

“Yeah, picked it up last week.”

“Cuuuute.” Grinning she then turned to the woman beside you, “who’d you bring?”

“Jess, this is Liz, Liz, Jess.” You gestured between them, watching as they shook hands and said hello.

“Pleasure.” Liz smiled.

“It’s so nice to meet you, y/n never brings anyone to holidays.” Jess giggled, “and I love those earrings, are they Mejuri?”

Liz’s head tilted, a small grin on her lips, “she know her brands and she’s got taste.” Her eyes flicked down to her wrist, “Chopard can do no wrong when it comes to their bracelets.”

“Isn’t it stunning?” She lifted her arm up, her eyes wide, “it was a gift from Colin for tonight.” She let out another giggle, her smile getting even larger if that was possible.

“There you are!” A voice called out and your head shot up to see your parents and Colin making their way over to the small group, “I was beginning to think you weren’t coming.” Your mother clicked her tongue and you let your sigh take form into a smile but before you could speak, Jess was turning around with a gasp. There were so many voices jumping back and fourth as they approached you nearly missed what came out of her mouth next, taking a second for your brain to register it.

“Mom! Come meet y/n’s girlfriend!”

Your eyes flashed wide and you barely had time to glance up to Liz before Colin let out a laugh,

“Girlfriend or sugar mommy?”

“Colin!” Jess hissed, slapping him on the arm.

“Don’t be rude.” Your mother scolded.

“She’s not—” You tried to interject but your father’s hand squeezed your shoulder.

“Sweetheart, we don’t care how you live your life as long as your happy and healthy.”

“Dad!” You tried again but suddenly Liz was squeezing at your hand gently, having completely slipped into the role of fake girlfriend as she stepped closer to you, smiling at your parents.

“I assure you; your daughter is very well taken care of with no need for anything like that. It’s a pleasure to finally meet you, I’ve heard so much already.”

“And to think we haven’t.” Your mother nearly frowned in your direction, “girl certainly likes to keep her secrets. Call me Paula.” She extended her hand,

“Elizabeth.”

“Daniel.” Your dad’s turn was next, firmly shaking Liz’s hand, “how long have the two of you been together?”

“Oh, a few months give or take.” She replied with a small laugh, “you know how it is, sometimes these things are hard to put a solid date on, but we’re happy, and that’s all that really matters.” Her hand slid back into yours, giving it a soft squeeze as she grinned over at you.

“Do I dare ask how you met?” Paula asked, wincing, “because if Colin was right, you can just say a dating app or something.”

“Mom!” You nearly choked on your drink, feeling the heat creeping into your cheeks.

“No, not at all.” Elizabeth laughed, “we work together. And your daughter is one of the brightest and best lawyers we have, she’s got an incredible future ahead of her.” This time you were sure your cheeks were tinged pink, hearing Liz tell you how good of a job you did on a case always made you more proud of yourself, like you were impressing your favourite teacher in school, you knew you were on the right track.

“Well after that Ivy league education I sure hope so.” Daniel commented, glancing to you, “would hate for that to go to waste. I was beginning to think you were so married to the job you’d never find anyone.”

“Wow.” You muttered and Liz chuckled.

“Well it certainly helps being in the same field. We both know how many hours you have to clock if you want to be successful. That you’re not always going to get the time for those fancy dinner dates by candlelight, sometimes its takeout surrounded by case files in a dim lit office. Isn’t that right darling?”

“Date night is date night.” You shrugged, leaning into her embrace, “doesn’t matter where it is, we’ve gotten the balance figured out perfectly.”

“I’m so glad you’ve finally found someone.” Paula beamed.

“Mom!” Jess interjected, grabbing her hand, “Auntie Carol just got here!”

“Alright, alright.” She laughed, swatting her away before turning back to Liz, “can’t wait to see you at the wedding, we’ll have so much more time to chat. It was wonderful meeting you.”

“You too.”

Quick waves and smiles were shot through the group before your sister was dragging them off elsewhere. Letting out a quiet groan you turned back to the bar, sucking back the rest of your drink.

“I am so sorry.” You muttered.

“It’s alright.” Liz chuckled, flagging down the bartender to get you a refill before her arm loosely wrapped around your waist and she leant in, her lips nearly brushing against your temple when she spoke, “parents love me. Now relax, drink,” she slid the refilled glass into your hands, “enjoy the party with your so called girlfriend.”

Your head tilted to look up at her as your eyes narrowed, replaying the last few minutes in your brain, “you’ve done this before…”

“I need entertainment in my life somehow.” She shrugged and you laughed.

“Are you serious?”

“Why not?” She smiled back at you, “sometimes someone just wants a plus one, sometimes it’s the whole fake girlfriend thing to piss off the family or get them off your case about being single. As long as they’re a friend I really don’t mind. I enjoy getting out of the house and it’s the closest I’m going to get to a date now, I’m divorced and remarried to my job. The only time I have is for a one night event to play pretend.”

“You really are good with parents.”

“That one can be a little trickier,” she commented, sucking back on her drink, “sometimes they freak out over same sex or the age gap, you’ve got supportive ones.”

“I think it’s just gotten to the point where all they care about is that I don’t get eaten by my plethora of cats when I die alone.”

“Do you even have a cat?”

“No. I don’t even like them.”

“Then they’ve got nothing to worry about.” She smirked, “you’ll just stink up your apartment for a week until your downstairs neighbour makes a complaint.”

“Wow,” you burst out a laugh, “thanks.”

“C’mon.” She pinched at your elbow, nodding toward the buffet, “let’s get some food before all the good stuff is gone.”

**

The One with Tequila.

Night clubs were not your thing.

They hadn’t been your thing fifteen years ago when you were much more in your partying era, so they certainly weren’t your thing now that you’d matured. You preferred nights at quiet pubs or dive bars where it was acceptable to wear leggings and an oversized hoodie, even better, you preferred nights in on your couch where you had absolutely no one to impress and you could control the volume. Squeezing yourself into a tiny dress after spending half an hour on your hair and make up just didn’t seem worth it, even if there was bottle service.

You’d been genuinely surprised when Liz said she would come with you, expecting her to tap out of the more wild nights leading up to the big event, but she was there by your side in the limo, and didn’t shy away from sliding into the booth beside you once you were at the club. The bass of the music thumped through the room, coloured lights flashing on the dance floor, there was no choice but to yell over the music while your sister dolled out tequila shots. Even sitting directly next to each other you struggled to hear the other person, causing you to lean right into Liz, your lips nearly brushing the shell of her ear when you spoke. She braced herself when she leant into you, hand softly squeezing your thigh as she spoke and she didn’t bother to remove it after, her thumb brushing against your bare skin.

She laughed along with the jokes and innuendos thrown around the table, indulged in more than a few shots with the group and even shared a few of her own stories. Some of which left you wondering if they actually happened of if she was just that good at making things up. You were disappointed when she was in full support of Jess dragging you out onto the dance floor, shooting daggers at her as you disappeared into the crowd and she was left laughing at the table. She watched with a grin as you loosened up, letting the liquor flow through your veins, dancing alongside your sister and some of her friends. If she was to be completely honest, she really liked getting to see this other side of you, to know for sure that you let your hair down once in a while and weren’t completely consumed by work.

Neither of you had any concept of how long you were out dancing, but Liz knew she had finished another drink and a half by the time the rest of the group returned to the table. You collapsed down next to her with a laugh, reaching for your drink so you could guzzle it down, trying to combat how out of breath you were. Her hand found yours on the table top, fingers interlacing with yours,

“Wasn’t so bad, was it?” She teased, pressing a feather light kiss to your heated cheek and you giggled softly.

“Okay maybe it was kinda fun.”

“See?” With a grin she slid a shot glass toward you and you laughed once more, clinking the glass with her own before you threw back the shots.

“Okay!” Jess’s arm flailed over the table top, smacking at your hand, “now that mom and dad aren’t here, can you fucking tell us the truth?”

“About what?” You asked with a laugh.

“Is she—” she glanced from Liz to you and then turned fully to Liz, “are you her sugar mommy?”

“Jess!” You shrieked, “no!”

“No.” Liz chuckled, sipping at her own drink.

“I so don’t fucking believe you.”

“Why not?!” You asked with a bark of a laugh.

“Uh… she’s older than you, she’s clearly got money and taste, she’s paying your tab tonight, there’s a vibe that she’s the dominant one.”

“Jessica!” Your eyes widened in shock, “she’s my boss! That’s where that ‘vibe’ is coming from.”

“Darling I don’t think you’re helping the matter.” Liz squeezed at your hand with a chuckle before turning to her, “I can choose to spoil my girlfriend where and whenever, tonight seemed like a good opportunity.”

“Lies.” Jess’s eyes narrowed as she stared across at the two of you, “you have way too many sugar mommy vibes.”

Liz laughed, playfully shaking her head, “believe what you want, I guess.”

Luckily for you, a new song came on that made Jess let out a shriek and completely forget about the topic at hand, racing back out onto the dance floor with her friends. Liz squeezed at your wrist, sliding another shot toward you that you thanked her for, swiftly taking it before swallowing and pulling a face.

“I’m drunk.” You stated and she laughed.

“Yes you most certainly are.”

“Sorry.” You grimaced, suddenly realizing you were more intoxicated than you’d meant to get, especially being around your boss.

“No need.” She laughed, “this is the drunkest I’ve been in ages.” She reassured you with a squeeze to your hand and your moment of worry was completely gone from your brain.

“I want pizza.”

“There’s a place around the corner, c’mon.” She tugged you from the booth, the idea of hot greasy food now the only one on her mind, “let’s get out of here before they notice.”

You were incredibly thankful fifteen minutes later when you were leaving the pizza shop with fresh slices, a bottle of water tucked away in your purse, Liz’s arm slipped through yours as the two of you laughed your way through the New York streets. Truly, both of you had a pretty good time tonight, it was something neither of you would have done voluntarily, so drastically different from how you’d spend a Saturday night and that was always a nice break from life.

“I cannot believe Jess is convinced you’re a sugar mommy.” You mumbled over a bite of pizza.

“I’m just shocked your dad was so quick to accept it, he didn’t even seem surprised. Most parents get even the inkling of that type of dynamic and they lose it, thinking there’s some kind of taking advantage going on. Or their upset because they equate it to some form of prostitution, that their kid should be working for money in a real career path.”

You slowed in your steps as your head turned up to look at Liz, your brow furrowing as you took another bite of pizza.

“What?” She asked with a laugh.

“Have… you actually done that before?” You asked and Liz smirked, the lowered inhibitions thanks to the tequila letting her reveal more than she would have on another day.

“Oh come on.” She chuckled, “Casey’s wardrobe was in desperate need of an overhaul and she was raised so strictly catholic she barely understood sexuality, much less her own. I figured why not help her out with both?”

“I knew it!!” You shrieked, fully stopping in your tracks as you turned to face her on the sidewalk, “oh I absolutely knew it! But I was so fucking confused! I thought I was going crazy cause you’d only ever mentioned your ex husband.”

“Just because I married a man once doesn’t mean I’ll do it again.” She grinned, “I didn’t think I was that secretive about it, you should have caught onto at least some hints.”

“I mean I kinda did.” You laughed, “especially when it came to Casey…”

“Oh come on, we weren’t that obvious.”

“Oh, no, of course not.” You smirked, “aside from the constant eye fucking in the courthouse halls.”

“We were not that bad!” She objected, smacking your arm with a playful frown.

“Sure.” You laughed, slipping your arm back into hers as you fell into step beside her again, “just keep telling yourself that.”

Liz walked you home that night, making sure you were safely behind locked doors and promising to drink some water before bed before she flagged down a cab. Upstairs you found yourself replaying moments from the night, interactions between the two of you, stories she’d told you that all were shone in a different light now that your speculations were confirmed true. Maybe there really was a lot you didn’t actually know about when it came to Elizabeth Donnelly.

**

Caught up in the Clouds.

Weddings had never been events that caught your eye. You thought they were overpriced, overhyped, heteronormative celebrations filled with too many relatives and old friends who hadn’t seen each other in years. Emotions were high, stress levels to make sure everything was perfect were through the roof and alcohol only exaggerated every single little issue.

Yet somehow you’d forgotten all of those issues as you sat in a church pew beside Liz, her fingers tangled with yours while her thumb soothed over the back of your hand. There was nothing but love and adoration flowing through the air, winding its way through the crowd of guests before wrapping the happy couple up in a perfect little bow. You had no idea that Jess and Colin were such hopeless romantics, their personally written vows bringing a misting into your eyes. And when a tear finally managed to escape the corner of your eye before you could even think about it, Liz caught it, gently wiping it away with a warm smile. You let out a breath of a laugh, your cheeks heating as you felt a little silly for tearing up at a wedding, a warmth blooming in your chest as Liz returned the small laugh, squeezing at your hand before both of you returned your gazes to the alter.

Cocktail hour got everything moving, people up out of their chairs, flitting around the room as they reconnected with friends they hadn’t seen in ages or got introduced to new ones. Liz never once left your side, her arm securely wrapped around your waist, making sure your champagne flute was never once empty and you always had her backup when trapped with relatives. She was introduced to multiple family members and friends and you swore each time she had some new, horribly romantic story about how the two of you had started dating, who asked who out, your first date, a very over the top story about a candlelit trail in Central Park, surrounded by roses the first time you exchanged I love you’s. With each anecdote (and each glass of bubbly) you could have sworn she was looking at you with more adoration than the last, and that you were returning it, happily nuzzling into her shoulder, feeling her lips press to the top of your head.

You were thankful when dinner was finally announced and you were guided to your seats, food taking focus before all attention was back on the newlyweds. The two of you had been playing into things so well, surrounded by the looming feeling of love, happiness and forever that things simply felt natural, they felt right. Everyone in the room thought you were a couple, there was no reason to not play into that. Liz’s hand gently playing with the baby hairs at the back of your neck while you listened to speeches, your hand resting on her thigh as you leant in to whisper a joke, the shared quiet laughter as your eyes sparkled.

Wrapped up in your own little bubble you even managed to get out on the dance floor, first it was bopping along to top forties, scream singing along to favourites from your younger years, indulging both the kids and the grandparents with things like the chicken dance. Then the lights dimmed, the playlist shifting to something slower and instead of stepping off the dance floor, Liz grabbed your hand, twirling you under her arm before wrapping it around your waist and pulling you close. She murmured something about it not being that easy to get away from her, that she deserved at least once dance tonight and you laughed softly,

“Never would have pegged you for the dancing type.”

“There’s plenty you don’t know about me yet” She muttered back with a grin and you playfully shook your head at her, relaxing into her embrace as you glided around the dance floor.

It was during one of those dances, held close enough to her to feel her heartbeat, where she could feel your breath on her skin when you spoke, that it felt like you were in an alternate universe. That this weird fake dating thing was actually real, that you were happily in love with the other person and looking forward to spending your future together. It was on pure instinct that you turned to kiss her cheek, only, she’d had the same instinct in the same moment, her lips landing on yours and your body tensed for the briefest second before you relaxed against her. You felt the warmth of her hand coming to cup your cheek and you let out a soft sigh into the kiss, your lips curving into a small smile as you pulled away.

Before either of you could even think about saying anything the DJ blasted an air horn, the lights flashing while they turned up brighter and he announced the bouquet toss. You got whisked away an instant later on sister duty, your task making sure the maid of honour got safely into a cab without Jess noticing, knowing she’d be pissed her MOH was belligerently drunk halfway through the night. You thought you’d be free, but then discovered Jess had spilt a few drops of red wine on her dress and they still had a handful of professional photos to get through. By the time you returned to the table where Liz was now deep in a conversation with your mother, you were carrying your shoes, the buzzed feeling from the bubbly very worn off.

“You look exhausted.” Liz greeted with a small laugh.

“I feel exhausted.” You replied.

“Well, let’s get you home.” She stood from the table, her arm winding around your waist, “I’ll call a car.”

You briefly heard something from your mother about seeing Liz again before the three of you managed to say goodnight and you finally escaped the reception. You were half asleep on Liz’s shoulder by the time the car pulled up in front of your building and she was gently nudging you awake, watching until you were safely inside before she pulled away from the curb.

**

Playing it Cool.

After the wedding it was as if everything had been some kind of fever dream, that the weird little bubble of your fake dating had been simply that. Your parents were ridiculously distracted by Jess and Colin, squealing over honeymoon photos, eager to hear any and all stories from their lavish vacation that you were finally left in silence and at peace. Your new so called girlfriend practically forgotten from their minds.

The first Monday at the office after the wedding you’d been a little apprehensive about how to act but both of you seamlessly slipped back into your appropriate roles and nothing else was said on the matter. You picked up cases, brought the perps to justice and did your job. Liz would pop up in your office just as often as before, commending you on your work, bribing you to take a break with lunch and you went about life just as it had been before, even if you now did know a little more about the other person. Months went by while things returned to normal, your usual bantering, late night gossip fests and the like.

“What?” She asked you one day, watching the way you were stabbing at your plate of pasta and you let out a huff, leaning back in your seat.

“I know I said you were free of this whole fake dating thing after the wedding but apparently Jess is the honeymoon baby type.” You risked a glance up to her, “I figured I had until Christmas and could bullshit my way around an amicable break up by then but she’s nearly seven months next week and is insisting that you come with me to the baby shower.”

“Is this one of those absolutely ridiculous garden parties covered in half pink and half blue decorations until they pop a balloon and everyone screams and cries over the reveal?” She deadpanned and you laughed.

“No. They’re not finding out the gender, this is just your run of the mill mocktails for her, cocktails for everyone else, finger foods and sandwiches and gifts while everyone weirdly demands to touch her belly.”

“Yeah, I was never one for things like that either.” She took a sip of her wine and you nearly frowned, “but I’d hate for you to have to suffer through it alone, so of course I’ll come.”

“You are a literal life saver.”

“I know.” She grinned across at you, causing you to playfully roll your eyes before she flagged down a server to settle the bill.

Four days later the two of you found yourselves in your parents back yard, a gift bag with a handful of onesies, a cute card and a wad of cash being passed off to Jess and Colin. Liz’s hand slipped into yours with ease as she chatted with your family, accepting a drink from your mother before pressing a gentle kiss to your temple. You were able to avoid some of the silly games Jess had planned, escaping off to a small table in the corner with your mother as she watched your father play photographer for the day.

“Oh sweetheart I can’t wait to see you all excited when it’s your turn for this.” Paula smiled and you practically choked on your drink, barking out a laugh.

“Mom, please. Kids are on my absolute do not want list.”

“You say that now.” She chided, “I mean have you even asked Elizabeth about it?”

“Oh I do think I’m rather passed that point.” Liz replied with a chuckle, “and even if I wasn’t, I agree with her. Kids aren’t something I see in my future, I’ve got enough of a maternal role at work, wrangling all those baby prosecutors, I don’t need to come home at the end of the day to keep doing the same thing.”

“Yeah.” You sighed, swigging at your drink, “and they’re messy, and loud… and always sticky and covered in snot. Why would I want that anywhere near me? I’d much rather be able to travel, be the rich mysterious fun Aunt. Like, do I want to have to shell out millions for a chance at a good preschool, or do I want to be able to buy a yacht?” Liz laughed, squeezing at your hand.

“You’ve been hanging out with Calhoun too much.” She teased and you swatted at her arm, shaking your head.

“Well if there aren’t any grandbabies coming my way, can I at least expect a wedding?”

“Mom…” you groaned, earning a chuckle from Liz, who picked up your left hand in hers.

“You know, I have been telling her that it looks a little bland without a diamond.” She kissed the back of your hand and your mother practically burst with glee, “we should take you to get your nails done next week.”

“Liz…” You warned with a glare and she laughed softly, her gaze drifting over to the rest of the party as your mother let out a happy sigh.

It wasn’t until you were getting into the car at the end of the afternoon that it finally came up again.

“I can’t believe you.” You laughed, “here I am, trying to figure out how to fake a break up by Christmas and you go bragging to my mom about rings!”

“What can I say, I get bored, I like to meddle.”

“Clearly.” You shoved at her shoulder, “fucking shit disturber. They’re gonna be expecting a wedding next year now.”

“Oh they’ll be distracted by that thought for all of two months until that baby’s born and then the crotch goblin will be the only thing they think of for another three years, you’re fine.” She waved you off and your eyes narrowed in her direction, glaring at her.

“You owe me a new set of nails.”

**

The Italicized ‘Oh’.

Exhausted was an understatement.

After working your ass off to try and get justice for a victim who could no longer speak up for themselves you’d been torn apart, chewed up and spat out in the courtroom. You were left embarrassed, mad at yourself and the system and incredibly disappointed, all you wanted was to curl up into a ball and disappear. The only saving grace right now was that it happened to be Friday, so at least that was possible for a couple of days, hopefully everyone would forget by the time Monday rolled around.

You’d been home long enough to wipe off your make up, tug your hair up off your neck and change into sweats, flicking the tv on for some background noise while you wandered into the kitchen to see what you had in the liquor cabinet when there was a knock on the door. Your shoulders drooped as you let out a huff, padding over to the door, not totally surprised when you discovered Liz on the other side.

“Hey.” You greeted with a sigh, stepping back from the door so she could step into your apartment, following you back into the kitchen.

“It’s not like you to take off early.” She commented.

“Hmm?” You barely glanced over your shoulder, attention refocussed on deciding between wine or whiskey.

“Swung by your office, thought I’d find you there. I wanted to chat.”

“Liz, please, spare me the lecture.” You grumbled, opting for the whiskey, grabbing a glass from the cupboard.

“You had a rough go; I wasn’t going to.” She chuckled, “it’s not about work.”

“Okay.” You poured out a glass of liquor, gesturing to see if she wanted one as well before pouring out a second when she nodded slightly. “What then?”

“Well,” Liz huffed softly, feeling her heart thump in her chest, “for the better part of a year we’ve been pretending to date and I don’t want to pretend anymore.”

“Great.” You let out a sad laugh, “a terrible week, garbage day, I lose a case and now my fake girlfriend’s dumping me. You really know how to kick a girl when she’s down.” You took a swig of your drink, doing your best to keep your emotions at bay.

“Sweetheart…” She plucked the drink from your hand, “you’re not hearing me.” The glass came to rest on the counter before her finger curled under your chin, frowning at the misting in your eyes. “The part I don’t want to do anymore is the fake part.”

“What?” Your breath caught in your throat as your brow furrowed, still not totally understanding where she was going with this.

“I didn’t really realize how much I was enjoying it until there were no more excuses to get to hold your hand, somewhere along the way of pretending to be in love with you I actually started to fall.” Her thumb gently stroked across your cheek and you instinctively leant into the touch, “I went by your office to ask if I could take you to dinner, on an actual date this time. When you weren’t there I realized you were probably sulking and I didn’t like the idea of you having to do that on your own, so…” She gestured to the counter behind her and that was when you finally realized she hadn’t shown up empty handed. A take out bag with a bottle of nice wine sticking out the top sat beside a bouquet of lilies.

“Liz…” Your eyes moved between the counter and her, shaking your head in near disbelief, “I…”

“If we’re not on the same page, I’ll go.” She shrugged, “leave you to wallow in peace. I just couldn’t stay silent any longer.”

“No!” You gasped, grabbing her arm, “I… god.” You laughed, “I’ve been thinking of, and trying not to keep thinking about that fucking kiss since the wedding. I’ve been waiting for my sister to send out some stupid invitation to another ridiculous and annoying event that I’d be forced into to have some sort of excuse to play pretend again.”

“Well…” smiling she took your hands in hers, squeezing softly, “then how about we don’t pretend any longer?

“I think I’d really like that.” You murmured back, closing the gap between you as one of her hands cupped your cheek before her lips met yours in a tender kiss. You couldn’t help the grin your lips curved up into, warmth blooming through your chest at the feeling her smiling against your lips.

Breaking the kiss she smiled softly at you, her thumb stroking at your cheek before she left a feather light kiss on the tip of your nose, “now, I know you had a bad day but you need something beyond liquor for dinner. How do you feel about Thai?”

“Sounds perfect.”

Liz wrapped an arm around your waist, picking up the take out bag while you grabbed the glasses off the counter and the two of you made your way into the living room to settle on the couch. It was there that you finally let your guard down, all the walls you’d kept up to maintain the professional relationship being torn down piece by piece as you relaxed into each other. Your mood lifted as Liz recounted stupid stories to make you laugh, watching you with an adoring smile as you began to come out of your pit of disappointment, only interrupting to steal kisses or brush a piece of mussed up hair off your face.

By the end of the evening, limbs were tangled together, a blanket half tossed over the both of you while a movie played on the television. Liz’s fingers gently combed through your hair and you let out a happy hum, grabbing her free hand to leave a kiss on the back of it. You couldn’t help but smile, feeling a little bit silly at the entire thing, sometimes what you needed the most really was what was sitting right in front of you the entire time.

___________________

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#elizabeth donnelly #elizabeth donnelly x reader #raeswritingbingo #law and order svu #svu #law and order #law and order special victims unit

[little-miss-dilf-lover]

Hey, I have a Matt x y/n reader request.

After a visit to St. Agnes you gush about the kids you spent the day with and how nice it would be to have a child. Matt has a mission, he wants to start a family with you and fucks you until he achieves his goal 😏 You have no idea of anything until you notice the first signs of pregnancy Matt later tells you about his successful plan

thank you for your request! I don’t read or write pregnancy ones, so this is pure imagination, but tried my very best for you anon😉hope you like it💌

growing by one (M.M x F reader)

wc: 1.1k

warnings: brief implication of intercourse. other than that just fluff

masterlist + rules

taglist

You and Matt would spend every alternating weekend volunteering at St Agnes; you’d play games with the children, chat with them, the lot. Sometimes you’d even tell them stories about how the Devil of Hell’s Kitchen saved you a few times. Matt would act coy while you described the events, but the kids adored your stories- they’d gasp and cheer along. Even though you didn’t have enhanced senses, you could tell it made Matt’s heart beat a little faster.

Walking arm in arm down the busy street, making your way home after a day at the orphanage. You had an awful case of verbal diarrhoea today, you couldn’t stop talking about the kids. “You know that little girl that always sits near you? She was so sweet today- she said the cutest thing!” You said cheerfully, playfully squeezing his free arm.

“What did she say?” He asked genuinely.

Giggling before you continued, “she said that you always talk about me… and then she called me Miss Murdock.” You beamed.

He grinned widely as his head stayed straight ahead. “That's because I call you that in front of them.” Now lacing his free hand in yours, gently pulsing it.

“You do?” You sweetly asked.

“Mhmm. All the time.” He said with sincerity.

Without realising you turn a little quiet, now having a conversation with your brain instead. He immediately notices, even with the noisy overwhelming streets he can still hear your mind.

“You okay?” He softly coos as he opens the front door to your shared apartment- now in the quiet comfort of home.

“Today- it just. It made me remember how much I want kids, y’know? Sorry if that’s weird to say.” You admit, kicking off your shoes before placing them in the corner, to avoid Matt tripping on them.

“That’s not weird to say at all. If we’re going to be having this conversation right now, I want you to know that I’ve dreamt of being the father to your children for a long time. I just didn’t want to scare you away.” He reassures, chuckling at the end of his sentence.

“Really?” You beam, grinning wide as your nose scrunched up.

“Mhmm. Could you imagine a combination of a mini you and I running around? I’d love children, especially if they were yours.” He says sweetly.

You had no idea he had felt this way. It was the kind of conversation that can make or break a relationship. It was something that was hard to bring up, you didn’t want it to feel awkward either. But, it felt perfect, like you were both thinking the same thing but just too scared to say anything.

//

It had been several weeks since your last talk about future children with Matt. Neither of you had mentioned anything about it, feeling slightly uncomfortable as if you don’t know how to reproach the topic again- like you were both secretly having doubts. You were so in sync that even your thoughts were in the same.

You and Matt have been chilling on the sofa for the better half of the day, you were catching up on your reading, while Matt did the same to his audiobooks. Feeling your tummy grumble, you placed your book open face down on the coffee table in front, slipping yourself from the comfort of Matt to head to the kitchen.

Hustling around the kitchen, opening the cupboards and scrounging around for something that sounds good, turning your nose up at the huge bag of sweet potatoes. Having no luck, turning to the fridge. “Why are there so many berries?” You quietly said to yourself.

“What’s that?” He asks while taking off his already paused headphones.

“Nothing, I just really fancy some crappy food, something salty and there are all these… yoghurts and- and protein?” you said to yourself but loud enough for him to hear.

“We can order some in?” He asks sitting up.

“Wait-?” You interrupt, lost in thought as your eyes darted around at the food displayed in front. “What’s the date today?” You ask, keeping your eyes glued on the sack of potatoes on the counter.

“It’s the fifteenth, Angel.” He wearingly says, trying not to startle you.

Your eyes widened as a full thought came to mind. “Ohmygod ohmygod” your brain raced. Neck snapping to look at him, “uh- I think I’ve missed my period.” Trying to fight off a smile.

Your eyes were so unfocused, that you didn’t see Matt do the same thing.

“AH!” You shrieked, pacing around the kitchen.

“Want to take a test?” He says while beaming, feeling your excitement as well as his own.

“I don’t have any, I’ll have to go get some tomorrow- the store is closed now.” You said almost flatly, feeling the bubble of happiness pop.

“What if I told you, I have some.” Grinning.

“No way?” You asked happily.

“Mhmm, in the bag under my side of the bed- I think it’s white- but don’t quote me.”

You didn’t even hear the rest of his sentence, you just bolted across the living room into the bedroom. Finding the tests and holding it successfully as you jumped upright. Pausing for a moment as you walked into the living room.

“Matt…?” You lingered slowly.

“Yes, my Angel?” He says, copying your tone.

“Why do you have these?” Gently shaking the box. “Wait- the berries and the cheeses…?”

“Uh-”

Smiling wider, finally connecting the dots. “You’ve been doing the shopping recently- and these foods help with fertility… Matt. And- we’ve been at it like rabbits recently, have you been getting them on purpose?”

“Don’t hate me if I say, yes. But the last part is purely just because I love you so much.”

“That’s really rather sweet!” Feeling your cheeks hurt from smiling so much. “The suspense is killing me, I’ll be right back.” Briskly walking to the bathroom.

“Hey?” Matt calls out. “If it’s not what you hoped, it’s okay, we can try again.” He reassures.

“I know, I love you.” You smile, closing the door behind you.

Waiting impatiently on the toilet for the test to show its results, little did you know Matt was on the other side of the door, listening to your unsteady heartbeat. He gently knocked on it, walking in when you opened the door for him.

He kneels in front of you between your legs, brushing a string of hair behind your ear. You thought he was there to reassure and comfort you, but then you see his other hand come from behind his back. Holding it out in front of you, as your eyes bugged out your head. It was the test. You didn’t even notice him pick it up from the sink.

“I think it’s time.” Smiling up at you.

Heart thumping as you saw the positive, you couldn’t believe it. Trying to contain your excitement.

“Matt… it says positive.”

He doesn’t even say anything, he just sweeps you up and spins you around while kissing all over your face. Both giggling contagiously. Setting you down to kiss you tenderly. Your family growing by one.

#matt murdock x reader #matt murdock x you #matt murdock #matt murdock fem!reader #matt murdock fanfic #matthew murdock #matthew murdock x reader #marvel #fluff

[wildernessuntothemselves]

You Are My Queen Now | Part 8

Word Count: 22k

Genre: Smut, angst, fluff

Summary: Growing up as a child of a minor lord, you had it instilled in you since a young age that you needed to find yourself a rich and affluent husband that would not only provide a comfortable life for you, but would also help further your family’s position in the court. So it was of the utmost importance that you remain a virgin in order to land such a coveted husband.

The problem lies when the man you secretly love, Prince Beomgyu, suddenly and unabashedly propositions you.

Warnings: extremely unhealthy relationship dynamics, mentions of past noncon and justifications of it, really fucked up characters, rough sex, edging again, fingering, GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION OF CHARACTER DEATH, mentions of fucked up family trauma

A/N: Check out the playlist for the fic as well as the wonderful pinterest boards my lovely ♡ anon made for the fic. They’ll really help put you in the mood. 

For this particular chapter, the theme songs are Lover, Please Stay by Nothing But Thieves for tyun and Forgiven by Within Temptation

You spend hours thinking it over, approaching it from every possible angle you can think of, but you can’t seem to get any closer to the truth.

If Taehyun is right and you go back to Beomgyu, then you’d just make it all the more easier for him to attack Taehyun, claiming that he rescued you and you corroborated the killers’ stories.

If Taehyun is right and you stay, then Beomgyu will either attack anyway or he’d figure out another way to get you. Like Wonyoung said, he has already crossed the line. He’s not going to back down now.

If Kai and Wonyoung are right and you go back to Beomgyu then you would prevent a war from breaking out, but you will have undone everything you’ve built for yourself here. You’ll go back to being Beomgyu’s whore and he will probably be even more controlling than ever because of your successful escape attempt. He’d never let you go anywhere or do anything. He’d be open about his obsessive ways now that his father is gone–something that you had always wished for but never realized how detrimental it would be to you. You’d be leaving Taehyun behind to hate and despise you. Or even worse, knowing him, he might just launch a war against Beomgyu because you’re his wife and he can’t let the fact that Beomgyu is committing such a huge crime go.

Would that be the only reason he would go after you?

It’s incredibly selfish to think but maybe making this decision would be easier if Taehyun actually loved you. Maybe taking a risk would feel justified if it wasn’t just because of his need to make a point. That he actually wants you to stay instead of just not wanting Beomgyu to prevail.

You also want to believe that Beomgyu wouldn’t attack Taehyun anyway if you went back but you’ve been away from him for so long that you don’t know what he’s capable of anymore. Not that you really knew when you were with him. After all, he did have you fooled for all those years. It was Taehyun who was right about him. So maybe he’s also right about him now. 

Sitting here, running over this a million times has turned your brain to mush. Maybe if you went and spoke to Wonyoung, you could glean some information about where Beomgyu’s head is at right now. 

Yes, you should go do that. You need to gather more information in the hopes that it would sway you either way. That’s it. 

So why is it that the first thing out of your mouth when you meet her is to ask her if Beomgyu is okay? 

Wonyoung smiles knowingly. “He’s fine physically.  But he hasn’t been the same since you left. He misses you a lot, you know? Don’t you miss him?” 

“You know I do.” 

It’s the cycle of guilt and blame again. You shouldn’t let yourself feel that way but you can’t help but do. 

“Then why are you doing this to him?” 

“He forced me.” You try to appeal your case even though you know you’re the one in the right. “He kept me beside him even when he knew that we could never be together. He lied to me and sabotaged me so that I could never leave him. He wanted to keep me by his side as his whore and he refused to think about how that makes me feel or how demeaning it was.” 

“My brother loves you more than anything in the world. You think he wouldn’t have given you what you wanted if he could?” She reproaches, “You should’ve had more faith in him. Look at what he’s doing now. He’d do anything to make you happy.”

“Is this his idea of making me happy?” You laugh. 

“Is this yours?” She gestures around vaguely, indicating the situation you’re in, the place you’re in. You look around you and see the castle walls as you saw them when you first came here–depressing and suffocating. 

“Who are you doing this for?” 

“For myself. What your brother did to me is unforgivable.” You say woefully, “Taehyun may not be perfect but he’s my husband. He gives me respect and power over my own fate. I never had any of that with Beomgyu.” 

Can’t she see that this is killing you? That you wouldn’t have left if you didn’t feel like you had to? That if you saw any viable alternative you never would’ve left his side?

“But are you happy with him?” She asks, cutting straight to where it hurts. “Now that you have what you wanted, are you satisfied?” 

No, you’re not. And you’re afraid to figure out all the reasons why because you’re afraid it would expose how selfish of a person you are. You should be thinking about the safety of everyone and what would be the best course of action to prevent a civil war, but here you are only thinking about yourself and how both men make you feel.  

“I wasn’t happy with Beomgyu either. At least I have dignity here.” You say quietly. 

“Do you?” Just from the way she’s asking, you know she’s about to break you down to the bare bones. “Does it feel dignified to love a man who will never love you back?”

“You don’t know that.” You defend, feeling as fragile as glass right now, and she answers with all the self-assurance you don’t possess. “But I know who will always love you.” 

Those damned tears of weakness spring to your eyes at once. “I can’t deal with this right now. I have to go.” 

This was a mistake. You were supposed to come here in order to gain more clarity, not to feel more lost than ever. 

As you leave, you hear her shouting after you. “You don’t have to keep fighting, you know? It’s okay to let go.”

Her words almost make you tumble over, every fiber of your being wanting to take the permission to give up. You’re so tired of struggling, so tired of trying to prove yourself to a man who will never feel for you. It's another version of the fight you've been having with the world. You'll never be good enough. You'll never impress him enough to give you the love you so crave. No one is crazy enough to love you like that except Beomgyu. No one would accept you like he does. You can't run into Taehyun’s arms right now and have him kiss away your sorrows. No, he'd tell you to toughen up and get over it. That he didn't marry you so you would act this weak. 

Is it weak to need reassurance from your husband? To wish he would look at you with love in his eyes? To dare to hope he would speak the words you've been dreaming of? 

You suppose to him, it is.  

You rush to your room, trying to outrun your exhaustion before it shuts down your body. If only you can make it back to your room then you could grab a bottle of liquor and drink yourself to sleep to escape from your thoughts and feelings and the situation you've put yourself in.

But as soon as you step foot inside, you realize that you’ll have to face Taehyun if you sleep here and you can’t handle that right now. You’ve been broken down by words enough today, you have no more strength in you. So you decide to grab a change of clothes and a bottle of wine and head to your old room, hoping to get just a little bit of reprieve. 

But before you can make your escape, Taehyun catches you, nightgown and bottle in hand. 

He doesn’t say anything for a moment, just pinning you down with a cold gaze. 

“Where are you going?” 

“To my old room.” You say softly, timidly. 

"I see.” He remarks, resentful. “Did you make your decision already?" 

"No, Taehyun." You deny vehemently, your feet wanting to take you to him but you hold yourself back. He doesn't want you to cling to him. Look at him, he loathes you. He is realizing that he made a mistake choosing you. 

"Then come to bed." 

You want to. You want to fall into his arms and cry all your feelings out. And you would have if he had looked at you with even a hint of affection or worry in his eyes. But like everything, Taehyun approaches your marriage, not with love, but with a set of rules and expectations that must be carried out in order to fulfill it. He doesn’t want you to come with him so he could show you how much you mean to him. He just wants you to come because a woman is supposed to go to sleep in the same bed as her husband. 

You need to distance yourself from this before you cement Wonyoung’s assertions in your brain. You need to hold out hope that he cares. 

"I still need more time so I'll sleep in my old room." Even as you say it, you hope he'll say something in response to make you change your mind. Just anything, no matter how small. 

Just hold me and ask me to stay.

“Stay.” He grunts, but once again the fates are playing with you as it sounds nothing like you had hoped for. “I’ll go.” 

You watch helplessly as he turns back to where he came from, not even grabbing a change of clothes before he goes, leaving you alone in the room that was once his but now belongs to the both of you, if only in name for it doesn’t bear any trace of you. 

Looking around, you see him everywhere–in the swords that hang on his walls as well as the various weapons scattered about, in the old but sturdy table that bears years of dents and ink stains as a result of the work he stays all night finishing, in the ancient fireplace that's all but painted black from the soot of many decades, in the canopy bed covered with the furs of animals he no doubt hunted himself and where, for a few awkward but blissful days, he used to hold you to sleep. 

Everything in here is his, and yet he left it all for you. But he took the one thing you actually wanted… him. 

So you go with your original plan, the only thing you can think of to drown it all away, and drink until the dark colors of the room and the pitch blackness of the night outside melt together and surround you in a cocoon so impenetrable you can't feel him anymore, can’t smell his scent even as it burns at your nose, can't feel how much it hurts you that he doesn't want you back.

__________________________

When a knock comes at your door later, you groggily lift your head up and look outside the window, wondering who would wake you up in the middle of the night, only to realize that the midday sun is already out. 

“Oh, fuck.” You grumble. You must’ve overslept. Why didn’t anyone wake you up? Who knows what you missed by sleeping in? For all you know, they would be at each other’s throats right now. 

Quickly, you get out of bed, but you don’t account for how dizzy you would be or for the massive headache that is clanging your brain against your skull, and you almost end up falling to the floor. Luckily, you manage to steady yourself on the bed and sit back down, grabbing the jug of water beside the bed and chugging it down to quench your intense thirst.

When the knocking repeats, you put the jug down and try to make yourself look presentable, smoothing your hair and straightening your nightgown, hoping it would be Taehyun coming in to tell you that he couldn't hold back anymore and he's here to finally lay out his heart and tell you that he wants you to stay. 

But it's not Taehyun, of course. It's Wonyoung. She comes in with a few servants in toe, hauling three large heavy bags into your room. 

"Oh my goodness, are you okay, sweetling?" She swoons when she gets a good look at you. So much for looking presentable. 

"Yes, I'm fine. I just had one too many drinks last night." You say and she looks around to find the entire empty bottle of liquor next to the bed. 

"I'll say." She raises an eyebrow at you. "Is that why you didn't show up for breakfast? Your lord sent me my breakfast to my room but I, of course, couldn't have that. I needed to see you so I went down to the dining hall to find you, only to be told that you hadn't come down yet. So I waited all morning for you because your dear lord insisted that I don’t disturb your sleep." She scoffs, and leans down to whisper conspiratorially to you, "I have to say, that was the most awkward breakfast of my life. The two men of this house are not very gentlemanly." 

You can't help but laugh. "You're threatening them with war. They don't exactly like you." 

"I'm not threatening them with anything." She huffs, "No one has to get hurt–" 

"If I come back home. I get it, princess." 

"Hey, don't get grumpy with me." She says, offended, as if you’ve only had a minor disagreement and you’re blowing it out of proportion. She’s just like her brother. 

"I'm sorry if I don’t exactly feel very fond of you right now." You mutter and, surprisingly, she grins back. "I bet I know how to cheer you up."

When you look at her quizzically, she gestures to the maids accompanying her to open the bags they had dragged in.

Inside were all kinds of dresses–luxurious gowns, floral sundresses, elegant evening dresses. There was also a small fortune worth of jewelry–from the largest diamonds that shone even in this gloomy place, to an entire rainbow of precious stones, to the prettiest little gold and silver pieces. Last but not least, the third bag contained all the essential beauty supplies you’ve been missing since you came here–creams, ointments, lipsticks, eyeliner… all of it. 

You could feel your eyes sparkling as you look at them. They’re just so beautiful.  

"What is this?" 

The princess grins and claps her hands excitedly. "We're going to liven up your look a little bit." 

"Oh, I don’t know. I can’t wear your things." You say hesitantly. 

"Oh these aren't mine. They're yours. They're a gift from Beomgyu." She explains happily, "Good thing too, how he knew the state I'd find you in, I don’t know." She tuts as she comes to the bed and picks at your hair and clothes. 

"You know I can't take those." You protest, even though all you want to do is get up and throw yourself in the midst of the gorgeous gowns and lather your skin with the fragrant and soothing lotions. 

"And why not?" She huffs, and it's unfair how charming she looks when she's pouting. 

"I can't wear gifts from Beomgyu in front of Taehyun. He's already pissed off." 

"So if he's already pissed off then it won't make a difference.” She shrugs, “Just tell him I gave them to you."

"Princess, I can't…" You continue to protest even as you throw longing glances at the bags.

"Oh come on, I know you want to. You’re not very subtle with your glances, you know?" 

Fuck, she caught you. 

It's been so long since you got to look nice. What harm would it be to indulge a little? It doesn't mean anything. Maybe if you put them on, you'd realize that you don't want them anymore. Or maybe if Taehyun sees you all made up and actually looking beautiful, he'd want you too. 

Didn't you first catch his eyes back at the castle when you actually looked good? Maybe if you looked the same as you did back then, he'd remember how he felt for you. 

"Oh, okay." You give in and she squeals excitedly. "Alright, let’s start by getting you into a proper bath and wash the grime of this horrid castle off you."

___________________________

Despite your initial reluctance, you end up enjoying it so much. You spend the whole afternoon choosing which dresses go with which jewelry and then deciding which makeup to put on and what hairstyle to do. It all reminds you so much of your untroubled days back at the palace–except that the Wonyoung is the one dolling you up and it takes everything in you not to lose it over the fact that the princess herself is pampering you like this. You mean, yes, you had Beomgyu pampering you all the time but this is different. To have the lovely and exquisite princess Wonyoung herself spoil you like this–it’s an indescribable feeling. It really does make you feel like you’re family, like you’re sisters, talking and giggling while you play dress up–especially that Wonyoung spends the whole time catching you up with the latest news and gossip back at the capital that she, being the princess, is uniquely privy to. 

She steers clear of talking about Beomgyu or what happened, and you do too. You probably should use this chance to find out more about what exactly went down but this is the first time in ages when you actually felt carefree again and you want to enjoy this bubble that she's created until it pops. 

"Oh, sweetling, how gorgeous you look." Wonyoung coos, staring at you in the mirror. 

"I do look good, don't I?" You chuckle, admiring yourself and feeling confident for the first time in a while. 

The dress you ended up choosing is so stunning, one wouldn’t be remiss to call it a piece of art. The main body is a lovely pale blue that compliments your skin, and at the middle of it, is a gorgeous ruffled pink fabric interwoven with all manner and colors of artificial roses, mostly pink and yellow. It reminds you of the lake you and Beomgyu used to spend your days lying next to back at the palace, with little islands of flowers floating over the calm surface that you’d stare at as you bask under the soft glow of the sun. It’s a memory so soothing, you can’t help but sport a peaceful little smile on your face that is plumped up and painted with equally graceful spring colors. Your hair was done up in a loose updo, held together at the back by numerous gold clips of different sizes and shapes, and even more flowers. 

You giggle as you continue to stare at yourself in the mirror. You look like a wood nymph.   

"You do. Beomgyu would’ve swooned if he was here.” 

Your smile falls a little, but you’re glad you're wearing rouge so it would hide your natural blush. 

“Thank you, princess.” 

“Don’t call me princess anymore. It’s too formal. You can call me Wonnie.” 

“I could never.” You gasp. “That’s what your family calls you.” 

She smiles knowingly. “Well, you’re family to us.” 

There she goes again, calling you family. Does she really think that or is she just trying to sweeten you up so you’d agree to go back to the palace? 

She is living up to her word though. She called you family and she’s treating you as such. Why isn’t Taehyun? You realize she could just be doing it to trick you but even if that’s the case, at least she’s trying to gain your favor, unlike your distant so-called husband…

An impatient rapping at the door interrupts your inner dilemma, and before you can ask who it is or give them permission to come in, they do. When you hear the door swing open, a scathing remark springs to your tongue–how dare whoever it is barge into a lady’s room like this without permission–but it dissolves like poison the moment you see an untidy Taehyun standing in the doorway wearing last night’s clothes. 

“Is this what you call being alone?” He asks, stepping into the room and taking in the absolute mess you and Wonyoung have created in your wake–clothes and bottles and accessories strewn all over the place.  

“Oh, Wonnie was just showing me some things.” You fiddle with the necklace you were wearing. 

“Wonnie?” His eyes narrow in on what your hands are doing, and he walks up to you and grabs your necklace, demanding, “What is this?” 

“Jewelry.” Wonyoung deadpans. “It’s what a lady typically wears if her husband can afford it.” 

Taehyun turns on her with the wrath of a warrior. "You think I can’t provide for my wife?" 

But she is the princess. She’s not going to be intimidated by him. "I don't know. Can you?" She challenges. "Look at the way you have her dressed in rags. This is not befitting of a noble."

"And what your brother did to her was befitting of a noble?" Taehyun fumes. It's unlike him to let his emotions get the best of him like this but he's been on edge ever since Wonyoung stepped foot in this castle. 

"Please don't fight again." You get in between them, trying to stop them but they ignore you.

"My brother loves her!" She defends, "Which according to her, is more than I can say for you."

Taehyun turns to you with a look of betrayal, and you wish that the sea outside would crash through this room and swallow you into its depth this very moment.

"I will not have you insult me in my own home.” He storms with the fury of the sea. “I've been generous enough to let you sleep off your journey in my home despite you being the sister of the man who is threatening war if I don't hand him my wife. But this is as far as my hospitality will allow. So take this shit and get the fuck out."

But Wonyoung stands tall against his hostility and levels him with a threat. “If I leave then that means you’ve chosen war.” 

“So be it.” Taehyun concludes and you quickly rush to protest. "No, no, Taehyun, you can’t just say that! Here, I'll take everything off." You plead, your hands reaching up to rid yourself of all of Beomgyu’s gifts, starting from the clips in your hair, taking them off so fast you accidentally pull on your hair with it. 

“Ah, fuck.” You cry in pain but don’t stop, hoping that if you just take everything off that Taehyun would calm down. But the more frantic you are, the more you keep making it worse as the intricate clips tangle in your hair. 

“Look at what you’re doing to her!” Wonyoung condemns and goes to try to help you take them off without hurting yourself, but you jump away from her. “Please, princess, just go. Let me talk to him.” 

She looks between you and the angry Taehyun with uncertainty but she must’ve realized that if she stays, she’ll only make it worse so, with shoulders slumped, she gestures for her maids to come with her as she leaves. 

“Take your shit with you.” Taehyun calls after her, making her turn around but you give him a pleading look and say, “I’ll give it all back. Let’s just talk now, okay?” You reach out a hand to touch his arm nervously, gasping as you feel how tense it is under your fingertips. 

But mercifully, he gives in. “Fine.” 

Once the door is shut behind her and you’re alone with Taehyun in the room, you go back to trying to take the clips out from your hair, but stop when Taehyun steps up to you and takes over, deliberate hands working to untangle the mess you’ve made and, one by one, he pulls the gold and floral ornaments from your hair. 

You stand there in silence for a while, perfectly still, as he lets your hair down with surprising gentleness every time he pulls a clip out. So when he suddenly speaks up, you jolt a little despite his soft voice. 

"I don't give you these things because they're wasteful displays of wealth, not because I can't."

"I know." You acknowledge glumly. "I just wanted to look pretty. I'm sick of wearing these depressingly beige dresses and that one shade of lipstick. I miss getting to wear things like this.” You whine vapidly then look at him through your eyelashes, “Don't you think I look pretty?"

"No.” He shoots you down ruthlessly. “You look overdone and gaudy." 

His brash comment doesn't come as a surprise to you but it still hurts, and you immediately get defensive. 

"Well, Wonnie thinks I look pretty." You scowl at him and he scowls back. “Why are you even listening to that empty-headed, pompous idiot?”

“Don’t talk about her like that.”  

"So you're defending her now?” He steps back, stopping what he’s doing. “You're even telling her things about us that she could use to her brother's advantage." 

You feel a little embarrassed at having been obvious enough about the state of your relationship for her to gather such information, but you also wouldn’t have even been in this situation where you felt forlorn enough for Wonyoung to figure it out if he had shown you even a little bit of affection. The only reason she succeeded in sowing discord between all of you is because you allowed there to be discord in the first place. 

"What? About how you don't love me? She figured it out herself, even an idiot would have." You defend yourself, "You have been avoiding me for a while now. You don’t look at me. You barely talk to me. You haven’t even fucked me in a week. Are we even married?” 

He laughs mockingly. “Is that what you’re focusing on? Sex?” 

“Yes.” You stand your ground. “Didn’t you say that as the man, it’s your duty to please me? Well I’m not fucking pleased. At least with him I didn’t have to beg for it.” 

You know it was a low blow, but it’s also true, and that seems to be the standard for allowing hurtful things to be said for him. 

Rage twists his features, his eyebrows shadowing his eyes and lip snarling upwards before he lunges at you, grabbing you and pulling you into a punishing kiss. You meet him with as much ferocity. You’ve been pining after his cold touch ever since you got here and he rarely ever gives it to you, so you sure as hell are going to latch onto any hint of intimacy he displays, no matter how provoked or emotionally-blunted it is. 

You wrap your arms around his neck, letting your neediness, frustration, and anger loose into the kiss, and he accepts them for once. 

"Want me to fuck you?" He pulls back just enough to growl lowly, his lips brushing against your own as he speaks. 

"Yes." You look deep into his eyes in an effort to read him, squeaking in surprise when he suddenly grabs the underside of your thighs and hoists you up before throwing you on the bed. 

He flings you hard enough that you bounce on it a little bit, but no sooner had your hands flashed out to steady yourself, did he climb over you, placing his body between your legs and going back to his bruising kisses. 

"You piss me off so much." He grabs your necklace around and yanks on it, breaking it and scattering the beads everywhere. 

Not to be outdone, you grab onto his shirt and rip it open, revealing his toned body to your hungry eyes. "Good. At least pissed off is a feeling. I can work with that." You goad him, moving your hands towards his pants and undoing them before pulling his cock out. 

He sucks in a harsh breath, closing his eyes for a second to savor your touch on his heated skin as you stroke him, before he opens them again, glowering at you "God, I want to fuck that attitude out of you." 

"I want to see you try." 

You see his jaw tense in that way it does when he is trying to hold himself back. Not wanting to give him time to think, you brush your palm over the head of his cock, making his mouth fall open and his hips buck forward. 

“You make me lose control.” He groans, grabbing the skirt of your delicate dress and ripping it right down the middle before he bunches your underwear in his fist and snaps it off. 

You don't even mind that he's destroying such expensive clothes and jewelry. It’s just too arousing watching him go mad over you like this. 

“Oh, please,” You deny, “I can’t even–” Your words leave you in a yelp when he grabs your legs and pulls on them, causing your body to fall flat onto the bed before he bends them up towards your chest. 

“Keep those here.” He orders, his hand moving to rub your pussy. His touches are a sharp contrast to his intense look, brushing along your lips softly but firmly, spreading your wetness around and making you whimper at the surprisingly intimate moment. 

He holds your gaze as he brings his fingers to his mouth to wet them, and you can feel more than hear him moan as your taste hits his tongue, before he brings them down again between your legs to swirl around your hole a couple of times before they bury themselves into your pussy. 

“Ah—fuck—Taehyun….” You moan as he pumps his fingers in and out, loosening you up for his cock. You can tell that he is feeding off your moans, his hot gaze burning into yours, so you decide to goad him a bit more. 

“You like how I sound when you fill me up with your fingers, darling?” You mewl even louder for him, giggling when his cock twitches and leaks a little precum in your fist. 

You start jerking him off again, using the precum to make the slide of your hand easier. “You’re so hard. Do you like it that much?” You tease, rubbing your thumb over the sensitive spot just under the head of his cock. 

“You’re such a brat.” 

The gasp that leaves your mouth is equal parts because of the way his fingers curl inside you and because his words remind you so much of Beomgyu. 

No, you can’t think of him. You have to make sure to keep your eyes and brain trained on Taehyun. He’s your husband. You should think of him and him only. 

Wanting to distract yourself, you use your free hand to pull his fingers out of you before you line his cock up with your pussy.  "Enough teasing. I want your cock." 

“So domineering.” He complains, thrusting his hips forward and filling you up with his cock in one go, making the both of you sigh in pleasure. 

“I thought you liked that about me."

“I do.” He drawls, and starts moving his hips. 

“Oh god…” You lean back, finally relaxing as you surrender your body to him. In this moment, while he’s fucking you, you can rest assured that he wants you, that his attention is on you. 

“Is this what you wanted? You’re acting out because I don’t fuck you enough?” Taehyun growls, ruthlessly pounding into you. He’s gotten much more confident with this over the few times you had sex. He just takes to it so naturally, and you think it’s because it helps him express himself more easily. 

The slide of his cock in and out of you makes your whole body tingle. You’re so touch-starved that each drag of his cock against your walls sends a zap of pleasure down to your toes, making them curl in the air where you hold them. 

But soon, your leg muscles burn from the effort and they start coming down, something that Taehyun notices right away. He grabs them and pushes them back up. “I thought I told you to keep them up.” 

“Then you hold them.” You hiss, hating how he can keep his cool while you’re falling apart on his cock. You need to find a way to tear down his control. 

Grunting, he grabs your legs and presses them to your body, folding you in half as he hovers over you. You gasp at how easily he is able to manipulate your body and how he’s currently looming over you, totally caging you in. It doesn’t help that the new angle allows him to drill his dick into you, reaching deeper than he ever did before because he was always so gentle with you.  

“Fuck, Taehyun!” You cry out, clenching around him. 

Curiously, you see his stormy eyes glaze over a bit at that and you smile internally as you realize just how you’re going to get to him. 

“Good. So good.” You bite your lip, only needing to exaggerate a little bit. 

The effect on him is immediate, his grip on your thighs tightening and his hips snapping into you faster as he focuses on drawing more moans out of you, and you happily give them to him. He bends down to kiss you sloppily, tongue prodding into your mouth and teeth biting at your lips. It’s a hungry kiss and you revel in it. 

When he pulls back, he uses his thumb to wipe your mouth off. You think he’s just wiping off the saliva but when you see the way his eyebrows were furrowed, you realize he was actually smearing the lipstick Wonyoung put on you. Apparently, he’s still very much bothered by this. 

To distract him, you wrap your lips around his thumb, sucking on it lewdly as you stare up at him. You hear him take in a sharp breath and his hips falter, no doubt thinking about all the times you had him in your mouth. 

Quickly, you pop his thumb out of your mouth and blurt out,  "Stop." Your heart squeezing a little at the way he listens right away. 

"What’s wrong?" He pants, a little frown on his sweaty face. 

"Nothing. Just didn’t want you to cum yet." You grin, and pull the shoulder of your dress down to reveal your breasts completely to him, making him groan. 

“Now you’re just playing with me.” 

“How did you know?” You smirk, loving this effect you’re having on him. It’s rare to feel wanted by Taehyun and you soak in it, wanting to prolong it as much as possible. “You can move again, darling.” 

The little disgruntled frown remains on his face as he fucks you again. But this time, his gaze can’t help but stray down to watch your tits bounce with each thrust of his hips. Your poor lord looks mesmerized, and he works himself up to the edge without you having to do much. But since he is not loud like—

Since he is not loud, you have to rely on the changes in his breathing or the way he grips you harder when he gets closer in order to know when he’s about to cum. So when you notice the way he starts to strain, you order him to stop once more. 

“Fuck!” He growls, "You're going to drive me mad." 

"Maybe that’s what I want." You giggle, taking your breasts between your hands and playing with them provocatively. “Move.” 

“You’re a mischievous little vixen.” He curses, but obediently ruts into you again, his thrusts getting sloppier each time you make him stop and start again. 

When he lets go of one of your legs to reach for your breasts, you don’t let him. “No. You wanted me to keep my legs up, didn’t you?”

He only answers with one of his dissatisfied growls, grabbing your leg again, his fingers digging into your flesh so hard that you’re sure they’re going to leave a mark but you don’t mind. It will just be a reminder of how you made him lose control. 

"You like them, don't you, my lord?” You purr, swirling your fingers around your nipples, making them pebble. “You could have them whenever you want, you know? To touch, to kiss, to fuck…"

And lose it he does, snapping his hips into you hard and fast, the wet sounds of your skin slapping against his filling the room. He has never used his strength on you like this before, and you have to admit that it really turns you on. 

“Ah—Taehyun—fuck–” You scream, your hands flying out to grab onto his arms, the feeling of the muscles bulging under your fingers taking you right to the edge. “I’m so c-close.” 

“Me too.” He grunts, beads of sweat falling down his face. 

“No wait.” You pant, “You have to hold it.” 

He shakes his head, his thrusts losing all sense of rhythm. "I can't."

"You can and you will." You hiss, moving a hand between your legs to rub at your clit and push yourself over the edge. But Taehyun smacks it away and replaces it with his own. You can’t even chastise him for it with the way his thumb blurs over your clit as he continues to fuck into you, making you finally cum. 

“Oh, fuck—-oh, fuck–” You cry, shuddering as your orgasm tears through you. It feels so good cumming around him. It’s just not the same when it’s just your fingers. You’ve been so needy for him that your orgasm is hitting you harder than it usually does and your pussy keeps spasming around his cock. 

“Fuck,” He grunts, feeling the effects of it. “Your pussy is fucking milking me. I can’t hold back.”

“No, you have to.” You insist, but he shakes his head. “I can’t.”

“No, no, you have to pull out.” You panic, pushing him away. 

Luckily, he relents, because you never would’ve been able to push him off if he didn’t allow you to. As soon as his cock is out of you, it erupts, spurting cum all over your thighs and pussy and even your stomach. The sight is so lewd and his seed feels so warm against your skin that you can’t help but shudder in pleasure from it, riding the last wave of your orgasm, before you finally fall limp onto the bed. 

You’re so busy catching your breath and recovering from the rough sex that you don’t notice the foul mood overtaking Taehyun until he speaks up. 

“What was that about?” He asks, and you know you’re in trouble before you even understand what he’s talking about. 

“What do you mean?” You gulp, pressing your legs together and pulling the shoulders of your dress back on, sensing that you’ll need to feel less exposed for what is about to come. 

“Why do you never allow me to cum inside you?” He inquires as he tucks himself back in his pants.

Oh.

The tone of his voice makes it obvious that he already has an answer himself, and it’s probably the right one. 

“I don’t want to get pregnant yet.” You answer, sitting up and fiddling with the tattered remains of your dress.

“And why not?” You can tell that he’s not enjoying the fact that you’re dragging this out and that it’s only making him angrier. 

“How can I when I don’t know if I’ll be forced to go back to him? If he’s acting this insane over our marriage, imagine what he’d do if he found out I was pregnant?” 

“But you’ve been doing this from the very start, even before you knew of his plan.” 

“Yes but I always knew he wasn’t just going to let me go.” You argue, then try to deflect from the truth that he’s zeroing in on, “Why are you bringing this up anyway? Do you want to have a child with me right now?” 

“Yes.” His automatic response makes you falter. So he’s reluctant to touch you or hold you or say something nice to you but he’s completely ready to knock you up?

“Why?”

“You’re my wife. We’re supposed to have children.” His answer fills you with a bitterness that fuels an ugly fury inside you that bursts out onto him. “Oh, of course. It’s to secure an heir. What else could it be? It’s certainly not because the sweet lord Taehyun actually wants to build a family with his wife that he loves. Oh wait, you don’t actually love me and I am an idiot for trying to hang onto every little action of yours to delude myself into thinking you ever will when you're clearly so fucked up, you’re not even capable of feeling love.” 

“That’s not fair." He says quietly, but that only angers you more.

"You're right. What's fair would’ve been Beomgyu being able to marry me. What's fair would've been you loving me back." You yell out your frustration with him, with the world. "This most certainly isn't fair."

“Do you want me to say that I love you?” He rounds on you. You can sense his tension in the way every muscle of his body seems to be pulled taut. “Is that what’s going to make you happy? Is that what’s going to make you stop dreaming of him?”

“...What?” 

He smiles bitterly. “You whisper his name in your sleep every damn night.” 

Oh god. You’re a horrible human being. 

“Taehyun, I’m so–”

“Do you still love him?" 

You know what the answer is. He knows what the answer is. But you can’t bring yourself to say it out loud because what kind of person could still be in love with the man who imprisoned and raped them and is currently threatening their new family with death and destruction? 

So you just keep quiet, and he laughs. “You might think that I’m fucked up and emotionless for not loving you but why would I love someone who is only here because she couldn’t get the man she really wants? You can ride up on your high horse all you want but I’m not going to sit here and let you act like the victim because I refuse to treat this like it’s more than it is.” 

Your mouth drops open. You know you fucked up but this is beyond cruel, even from him. 

“If that’s what you really think, then why did you even marry me?” You choke on your stupid useless tears, "Did you even mean it when you said that I was family?"

He scoffs, "Of course I did. I don’t know what kind of sentimental drivel you're talking about and that bitch is using to manipulate you, but you’re my wife, that makes you my family before gods and men." 

You feel queasy as you realize how foolish you've been. You're not his family in the way you thought he meant. You're just his family like your father is your family, on paper and nothing else. Taehyun will never hold any sentiment towards you past what your official status is. 

“God, I’m so stupid.” You croak, your eyes brimming with tears. You get off the bed, grabbing a coat and tying it around yourself to make yourself decent. 

“Where are you going?” Taehyun asks, jumping to his feet too. 

“Away from you.” You sob, eyes swelling up. "I can't even look at you right now."

“You’re going to run away again because you don’t like what I’m saying?” He shouts after you, “When are you going to grow up and face the real world?” 

With your hand on the door handle you snap your head around to shout at him, “If all people in the real world are as heartless as you are then I’d rather go back and live in Beomgyu’s sheltered prison.”

Wrenching the door open, you freeze in place when you come face to face with a guard. He has a stricken look on his face as he holds his fist up as if he was just about to knock. He only pauses for a split second to look between your tearful face and Taehyun’s hard one, before he says, “My lord, we’ve found lord Jaeyun.” 

_________________

It’s been a few days since Jaeyun has been found. Throughout this time, he’s been locked up in the cells under the castle as Taehyun interrogates him about his betrayal. 

Surprisingly, he was very forthcoming with the details. You suppose it could be because he was hoping for a pardon, or maybe he just fears lying to Taehyun. Whatever the reason was, Taehyun relayed to you all that Jaeyun had to say, maybe in an effort to demonstrate how horrible Beomgyu is and how twisted his ways are. 

Jaeyun said that he was being paid by Beomgyu to spy on you pretty much from the start and that they were hatching a plan together on how best to kidnap you and bring you back. But then Jaeyun overheard you talking to Kai about Taehyun having asked for your hand in marriage and how you seemed to be viewing it favorably. He knew that if you said yes, that the wedding would commence very rapidly, much like it did, so he decided to act early and snatch you up. He had planned to slip you out with the help of a few workers from the castle, but what he hadn’t anticipated was you having Taehyun’s dagger on you and managing to stab him with it, foiling his plan and sending him on the run. 

Following Jaeyun’s confession, his other accomplices were arrested and imprisoned too. They were interrogated and told a similar story to Jaeyun’s, and when Taehyun was done getting all the information he wanted out of them, they were promptly put to death, with Jaeyun’s execution date to follow after.

“What is going on in there?” Wonyoung asks as she massages your scalp. "You're sulking."

You’ve been sleeping beside her for the past couple of nights because you can’t handle being alone right now. Kai was going through a mental breakdown. Taehyun was being distant as usual, and fully excluding you from the investigation. The only person in the castle who still talked to you was Wonyoung and so you spent your days with her, and then your nights, because the nights were the worst part. It’s when your brain would come up with the craziest, most paranoid ideas and keep you up with them until you felt like throwing yourself out the window. 

Being with Wonyoung isn’t that much better. She took on that role for your brain, prattling on and on about how horrible Taehyun is and how much better Beomgyu is, how he’ll never give you the love Beomgyu can and that it’s only a matter of time until he turns on you, how he's getting crazier by the day, how at least Beomgyu took care of you and loved you while Taehyun treats you like shit and throws you to the side, how the one thing Taehyun had to offer–-which is power and control over your fate–is nowhere to be seen as he sidelines you and excludes you from Jaeyun’s trial that you have every right to be involved in seeing as it's all about you, so why are you still here?

It’s awful, the way her words keep festering in your brain like black mold. But it still beats being alone. 

You glance at her to see that she has her full attention on you, her head propped on her elbow and her silky hair cascading down from it. You throw your head back on the pillow and sigh. 

“Taehyun. I’m worried about him.” You say simply and she snorts, “You should be. You know he’s probably torturing Jaeyun right now? I tried to offer him something, anything, so he would release him but he refused. He just wants blood.” 

“That’s not–” You wanted to say that that’s not something Taehyun would do. He doesn’t torture people for information, does he? You never talked about it before, but Taehyun doesn’t believe in mercy towards criminals, and he might think that it’s justifiable to hurt Jaeyun in order to extract information out of him. 

Oh god…

Wonyoung was about to say something else when suddenly a furious knocking sounds at the door. You both sit up in shock, holding the covers up to your bodies to conceal yourselves from the unexpected midnight guest.

“Who is it?” You call out. 

“It’s Taehyun.”

You and Wonyoung exchange a look, hers confused and yours nervous, before you say, “Come in.”   

“You fucking bitch!” Taehyun snarls at Wonyoung as soon as he steps foot into the room. “You’re going to pay for this.” 

“What are you talking about?” Wonyoung scoffs, and you second her sentiment more fearfully, “Taehyun, what is going on?”

You haven't seen him in days. You can barely see him now with only the moonlight shining through that makes the shadows under his eyes look even darker and deeper. He looks a mess. 

“What’s going on is that she spread word about her brother’s threats! She told people that he is threatening war if you’re not returned to him, and that Jaeyun was only trying to prevent the war from breaking out by taking you back to him.” Taehyun yells, the veins in his neck bulging as he strains. “Now half my fucking court has turned against me and they’re demanding for Jaeyun to be freed and for you to be sent back to him.”

For a second, you believe it. For a second, it makes sense. 

You look at Wonyoung in shock. How could she do this to you? 

But Wonyoung just laughs incredulously. “You’ve gone fucking mad. See this is what I’m talking about. He’ll only get crazier.” She gestures at him to you, before telling him, “Why the hell would I do that when just being with you is enough to make her want to run away? 

Once again, you feel guilty for having shared the issues you’ve been having with Taehyun with her but you can’t be discreet to save your life, and why should you anyway when he has demonstrated how little he cares for you? There wouldn’t be anything for her to find out about if he showed you even an ounce of affection. 

“Bullshit! You obviously saw that your threats weren’t working so you did this to force me to let her go.” 

“Not working?” She asks, snidely, “Your wife is sleeping in my bed while you sleep alone. In fact, she’s been by my side this whole time. So unless she was in on it too then when would I have even had the time to spread such a rumor?”

She’s right. You haven’t left her side ever since Jaeyun was found. She couldn’t have been the one to spread the half-rumor without you knowing. 

Taehyun pauses at her question, and you can see the hesitance in his eyes. It hurts you more than anything he's ever said to you. That doubt in that second, no matter how infinitesimal, was too much for you to bear. 

"Don't you dare." You spit venomously. 

"I am not.” He rushes to make amends for his brief moment of distrust but it’s too late. Maybe it’s because of his constant indifference or downright meanness towards you. Maybe it’s because he still hasn’t apologized for what he said last time or attempted to make it better in any way, but this is the straw that finally breaks you. 

“We aren’t the only three people who know about this and she’s not the one who is invested in saving Jaeyun. So before you go around accusing people, why don’t you consider who might actually benefit from spreading this?”

You regret your words the moment you utter them when a dark look passes over Taehyun's face. But it’s already out into the world and you can’t take it back now. 

“I want you back in our room and not step foot out of it until I take care of this.” Taehyun orders you. “I’m going to have guards posted outside the room and some maids to accompany you to take care of you and to alert the guards in case anything happens.” 

“What? You’re going to lock me up now?” You exclaim.

“It’s for your own safety.”

“Bullshit. I want to be by your side. I deserve to be involved in this.” You fight back, “Didn’t you promise that you’d let me? Or was that only when things were easy but now that things are getting a little difficult, you’re going back on your word?”

“A little difficult?” He asks incredulously, “We’re on the verge of war and now my whole court might betray me for you. I can’t let you go out there.” 

“Well, I can’t just sit here, biting my fingernails and waiting for someone to take me away!” 

“No one is going to take you away. I’ll protect you.”

“You mean you’ll lock her up.” Wonyoung interjects and he glowers at her. “Stay out of it.”

“Do you even know who you sound like right now?” You ask, not believing your ears. “This is just what Beomgyu did to me!” 

That grabs his attention and not in a good way, his face morphing into the livid look you’re now used to as he advances on you. “Don’t fucking compare me to him. He locked you up so you wouldn’t escape from him. I’m keeping you guarded in a safe place until the danger blows over.” 

“My brother did the same thing too, except the danger was you.” Wonyoung interrupts once more, “And he was right. Your court is after her and you’re keeping her here? Just let her go and she won’t be in danger anymore.”  

“There would be nothing to protect her from if it weren’t for you and your brother!” Taehyun growls at her. 

“I’m not going to do it.” You proclaim, shaking your head resolutely. “I refuse to be kept in the dark anymore. I would be safest around you anyway so why are you locking me away from you?” 

He hesitates, seemingly hiding something from you. “I’m sorry but you’re going to have to.” 

So you latch onto it. “Why? What is going on, Taehyun?” 

“Nothing.” He snaps, then sighs at the hurt look on your face. “I’m going to take care of everything. I just need you to stay in the room.” 

“Are you going to force me?” You challenge, looking him in the eye but he averts his gaze, his jaw clenched. “I’m sorry.” 

You scoff dejectedly. "Then if I have to be locked up, I want to be with her." 

"No!" He shouts, "She is his sister. She's behind all of this. I can’t leave you alone with her anymore. She's clearly infecting your mind." 

"You mean telling her the truth?" Wonyoung counters, but Taehyun doesn’t entertain her blows anymore.

“I do not have time for this. Come with me.” 

____________________________________________

So after all his talk about how terrible Beomgyu is and how it wasn’t his right to make decisions for you, those same actions are suddenly okay now that he’s the one doing it? 

Taehyun doesn’t even have the courage to face you. He only comes around for a few moments each day to check up on you to make sure no one tried to harm you or take you, and then he runs away again before you can confront him. He doesn’t even come to sleep in the room anymore. 

Every time he comes around, he looks more tired and gaunt than the last time you saw him. You realize just how much of a toll this whole thing must be taking on him. He has to contend with so many things at once–Wonyoung’s surprise visit, Beomgyu’s threats, your fight, Jaeyun’s trial, and now half his court turning on him. Things couldn’t be going worse for him and it shows. 

Despite his cold and callous words to you, you can’t help but want to take him in your arms and soothe him every time you see him, to brush his hair and run your hands down his back while you rock him to a slumber he very much needs. He looks so high-strung right now that you’re so afraid he’s going to snap.  

But being locked up in your room like this is making you go slightly insane. You can’t help but replay Wonyoyng's words in your mind, and they keep getting louder and more convincing every time. 

You try to argue against them at first, fighting her words with his– he's only keeping you here for your own safety, he’ll let you go once the trial is over and things have calmed down. But the other part of your brain, the paranoid part, wonders if this is just the beginning, if he’ll keep you locked up so you won’t go back to Beomgyu. Yes, he had told you before that he’ll let you go if you want to but that was before you became his wife. He’s willing to risk everyone’s lives in order to keep you because of that, who’s to say he won’t keep you against your will too?

Eventually, you don’t have the mental power to argue anymore, your brain getting so addled with worry and dread that they infect any rational thought that tries to formulate and mutate it into a grotesque thing. 

Being stuck here, so separate from everything and left to make up your own horror versions of what’s happening on the outside–you have nothing to do but worry about Taehyun and worry about what he might do. He's not in his right mind right now and that scares you. A regular Taehyun is already scary enough. You don't want to see what an out of control Taehyun is capable of. 

_______________________________

Despite how slow the time seems to pass and how long those few days stretch on, it all comes to a head soon enough when you, along with Wonyoung and every lord in the castle, get summoned to the courtroom where Taehyun announces that Jaeyun will be beheaded in front of everyone. 

Somehow, reality turned out even worse than your paranoid imagination made it out to be.

It's apparently his response to the rumor, his warning to every lord who would think to betray him like Jaeyun did. And the cherry on top? The execution is to be carried out by Kai–the secondary traitor. 

As soon as he announces it, the court falls into disarray, voices going up in either protest or approval, talking over each other. But you can’t focus on what anyone is saying, even Wonyoung who is right next to you. You can only see Taehyun, everything else fading into a blur around you as you rush towards him, grabbing onto his arms and whispering so no one else can hear you, "You can't be serious, Taehyun." 

But there is no hint of reluctance or doubt in his steel gray eyes. "I would never kid in such matters."

You take in a shuddered breath, horrified. "Have mercy on him. For your brother." 

“My brother is the one who spread the rumor about you.” 

“I forgive him.” You rush to say, but Taehyun doesn’t bend.  “I don't. When he betrayed you, he betrayed me as well." 

“But why does he have to be the one to do it?" You plead, searching his eyes for any hint of mercy but finding none. He’s the picture of the ruthless lord you’ve always been told about, refusing to bend even for family.  

“He needs to pay for what he did. He needs to prove to me that when it comes down to it, he can put his feelings behind and do the right thing.” 

‘Have you put your feelings so far behind that you can’t find them anymore?’ You want to ask, but you know that antagonizing him right now wouldn’t help anymore. So instead you try to reason with him. “But this will turn your lords against you. It will ruin everything we’ve been working on so far.”  

Finally, a speck of emotion shines in his steely gaze, but it’s anger, the only emotion he seems to be able to freely express. “It’s already ruined. I did what you wanted and yet they turned on me and you anyway. They want me to surrender you back to him.” 

“They’re just scared. All they need is assurance that we’re not going to lead them to their death. If you kill Jaeyun now, you’ll just prove to them that you’re willing to kill them for me. This is the time to show them that you’ve changed, that you’re willing to embrace and protect them.”

“No, this is the time I show them that whoever crosses me will die by my sword. I’m done embracing.” He says with finality and turns away from you towards Kai who you hadn’t seen before because he was huddled in the corner. 

"Step forward, brother." Taehyun orders him.

But Kai doesn’t. Instead he looks at you.

“Please, do something.” Kai begs you, “He listens to you. Tell him to call this off.” 

Your breath catches in your throat as you look at Taehyun who, in turn, was looking at you. He could tell Kai off like he usually does but instead he stands there quietly and waits for your response. You know that this is a test. After all the conflict between you two, this is the ultimate test–just like it is for Kai. He wants you to prove in front of everyone that you’re loyal to him. If you don’t back him up, he’ll know that you’re not the woman he thought you were. 

It’s unfair that he would do this to you in front of everyone where you can’t argue against him. Because if you do, you’d be letting those lords who turned on you know that there is a rift between you and Taehyun. Kai is already publicly not on his brother’s side, half of the lords aren’t. If you too stand against him, it would weaken his position greatly. That’s what he doesn’t seem to understand. He’s so caught up in his rigid morality and tyrannical sense of justice that he doesn’t understand or doesn’t want to grasp the nuances that come with political warfare. 

But you do, and that’s why you have no choice but to stand by him even if you know that by doing that you might just be proving to those lords that their deaths will come at your hand. But the flipside to that would be you basically showing another crack in Taehyun’s leadership and making him even more vulnerable. He will do what he wants anyway and his lords will still turn on him, even more so knowing that there is discord between you. If a pardon is to come, it has to come from Taehyun only and he won’t give it. You need to act as one unit or this whole thing goes down. 

So, schooling your expression, you pull yourself together and stand tall, talking clearly so everyone would hear you, "Lord Taehyun is right. The traitor has to be executed."

Kai looks at you in horror and you know you have to say something to get him onboard too, so you’d patch up Taehyun’s front again.  

"It’s unfortunate. He was a dear friend to us all, but he betrayed us.” You speak to everyone and then direct your last comment to Kai, “Sometimes we’re forced to do the painful thing to uphold the law and protect those we love."

Kai’s expression suddenly alters. He forces down his sobs and arranges his face into a wooden mask. After wiping his face dry, he gives you a meaningful look as he holds his hand out for the axe, and you know that this is the end for you and Kai. There is no coming back from this. 

Taehyun gives you a questioning look as Kai takes the axe and walks up to a kneeling Jaeyun, but you pretend you don’t see it. 

"Kai, please don't do this." The dead man begs for his life but Kai manages to keep his cool. “I’m sorry.”

You hear the sobs of the man as his head is lowered on the chopping block. You want to look away but you remember Taehyun’s words. Always look the man you’re passing the sentence unto in the eye. You owe him that much. 

You stand next to Taehyun, another show of solidarity. You see him cast a sideways glance at you, and you can tell even from that that he’s happy with what you’re doing. But unlike all those times before, you don’t feel proud about it. You don’t feel like you’re proving yourself. You don’t feel strong or confident. You just feel cruel. But you have to stand by him. You’d be risking his life if you don’t.

“Any last words?” Taehyun asks, looking ahead, and you take this opportunity to glance around the room, gleaning how everyone is feeling right now. You see all manner of reactions–some horrified, some vindicated, some confused, some scared, and one looking faint. Wonyoung. Is she going to be okay? You wish Taehyun didn’t include her in this but you know that this is as much for her benefit as anyone. He wants to send her a message that she’s not going to succeed in turning his lords against him because anyone who does will be put to death. Whether that works or just turns his lords more against him is yet to be seen.

“She’s going to be the death of all of you.” Are Jaeyun’s chosen words before Kai swings the axe.  

You’ve never seen a beheading before. Most executions back at the palace are done through hanging, and even those you’ve never attended. Beomgyu would’ve never subjected you to that. It’s not even something you would’ve ever imagined you’d have to see, let alone be the one decreeing it. 

But you do know that this isn’t how it’s supposed to be performed. You’ve heard that the head is supposed to be chopped off in one blow, but because of Kai’s inexperience, the axe doesn’t manage to cut through Jaeyun’s neck the first time, and he has to deliver two more blows, tears springing back to his cheeks as he heaves and his friend’s blood and tissue spatter over him, before the head is finally severed. 

It’s a horrifying scene. You think you’d be kind of used to it because of the frequent hunting trips you took with Taehyun but it’s not the same. To watch someone’s head hanging onto their body by the remaining pieces of flesh from their neck while their own best friend struggles to decapitate them is an experience more horrifying that you could’ve ever imagined. 

Taehyun always made sure that you kill the animals quickly and with minimal suffering. This was neither quick, nor free of suffering–not for Kai, not for Jaeyun, and not for anyone watching it. You can see the look of disgust on their faces, some of them turning away all together. Poor Wonyoung even faints and has to be pulled away by her servants. 

But none is hit as hard as Kai, who rushes to a corner and throws up. You hear him heaving and gagging as you watch Jaeyun’s severed head lying on the floor in a pool of his own blood. You can’t stop staring at it as the room swirls with whispers around you. 

You state into his unblinking eyes, and you imagine you can see a look of blame in them. 

“You did this.” They seem to say. “You killed me.” 

You don't cry. You don’t deserve to cry for him. You just feel cold, so cold. 

This isn’t what you wanted at all. You never meant to hurt anyone. But you know that this is just the beginning of the bloodshed. 

Now it’s Kai. Will it be you next? 

Will Taehyun one day force you to kill someone you love too? Will he make you kill Beomgyu? Or will your head be on the chopping block instead?

__________________________

As you’re walked back to your room by your guards, you can’t see the floor or the walls, you can’t hear your footsteps, you can’t smell the sea breeze. All you can see is Jaeyun’s butchered body. All you can hear are the hacking sounds of the axe. All you can smell is blood. 

Is Taehyun really that heartless? Beomgyu killed his father and brother too but he didn’t force Wonyoung to kill them. And he did it to protect her. He did it to get you back. Taehyun did it to send a message. He made his brother do it and he made you all watch. 

And if Taehyun is just as bloody as Beomgyu, then what’s the point of you being here?

You’re sitting on your bed when Taehyun comes into the room–the maids must’ve put you there. He doesn’t say anything to you, just starts changing, unbuttoning his shirt and slipping it off before he unlaces his boots and takes them off too. His pants are the last to go before he grabs a pair of sleep pants and puts them on. 

You just watch him in silence until he speaks up. 

“You’re still wearing your dress? Aren’t you going to change before bed?” 

Bed? But it’s still—

Oh. It’s night, you realize as you gaze out the window. You must’ve been sitting here all day. 

You look down to the dress you’re wearing, and jump when you see specks of blood on its loathsome beige color. They were barely there, having already turned brown with time, but they make you nauseous still.  

You start heaving at the sight, visions of Jaeyun’s blood spurting from the deep gashes in his neck flashing across your vision, and try to tear the dress off, but you’re so frantic you can’t undo it correctly. 

Seeing your struggle, Taehyun rushes to you, “Here, let me–”

“Don’t touch me!” You shout at him. Taehyun jumps back right away, frozen, and watches you paw at the knots holding your dress together until, at length, you manage to get it off, letting it fall on the floor. Once you’re naked, you slowly calm down again, wrapping your hands around yourself to shield yourself from his eyes and the cold breeze. 

Taehyun silently goes to your wardrobe as you stand there shaking, and pulls out a nightgown. He hands it to you, making sure not to touch you. 

Once you slip it on, he speaks up. “I did what I had to do.” 

“That’s what he said too.” 

“Stop fucking comparing me to him!” He demands agitatedly, fully knocking you out of your stupor. “What was I supposed to do? Let him live and undermine myself? Show the rest of the lords that I’m not only risking war but that I’m a spineless ruler who just pardons traitors?” 

“You didn’t have to pardon him.” You say quietly, but gain strength as you go on. “You could’ve stripped him of his titles and lands and exiled him. That would’ve scared your lords enough.” 

“Not enough. You didn’t hear them.” He sighs heavily, “And didn’t you stand by my ruling?” 

"I only did it so your men wouldn’t think we’re a divided front. I didn’t want them to see any more weakness in you, but if you think I agree with the butchery you orchestrated out there then you’re sorely mistaken.” You say scathingly.

"So just because he's a lord means he gets to live while the other men who helped him get executed? How is that fair?" 

"It's not fair!” You shriek, frustrated. “But life is not fair and you have to stop being so dense about it. Can’t you see that you’re only sabotaging yourself by being stubborn? Beomgyu will win if you don't wisen up. You might get killed. Even Kai might get killed! I know you don’t care about my feelings, but don’t you care about his?"

“His feelings are what got us into this in the first place.” Taehyun spits out, “He let Jaeyun escape. He spread that rumor about you. He is fighting to make me give you up. How can that not upset you?” 

“Of course it upset me.” You take in a shuddering breath, that particular wound he’s prodding at still open and tender. “But I would never have forced him to do something this heinous. It was cruel and inhumane to Kai, to Jaeyun! Kai didn’t even know how to do it. If you can gather up enough sympathy for an animal so as to give it a merciful death, couldn’t you have done the same for someone you once considered your friend? For your brother?” You ask him in disbelief, “For yourself? Those lords will now think that if they stay by you, they’ll end up with their heads chopped off too. You need to listen to me–” 

“Why? Because you know so well how to rule, right?” He mocks cruelly, his steely eyes piercing into you. “The only experience you have with ruling is being that bastard’s plaything while he stands on the side of actual rulers. I, on the other hand, am a real lord. You think I need you? I’ve been handling my own people just fine before you came along.”

His words dig deep at you and you press your lips together to keep them from wobbling. You were more than familiar with Taehyun’s harsh manner by now but he has never made you feel like you’re below him before this moment.  “I didn’t say–”

“Don’t cry. I hate it when you cry.” His words may have sounded sweet if it weren’t for the way he hurled them at you. He’s not pleading with you to stop crying in the apologetic way Beomgyu does when he says that. No, he says them spitefully, scornfully, hammering home how lowly he thinks of you. “Can’t we have one discussion without you dissolving into tears?”   

“Can’t you act like a fucking compassionate human being for one second?” You counter.

“If you don’t like who I am then why did you choose me?” 

“Because I didn’t know you’d turn out to be this way.” You blurt out, laying out all your true feelings because what’s the point of holding them back anymore? It’s not like you have any dignity left to preserve. “They all told me how cruel you are but I didn’t want to believe them because–stupid me–I thought they misunderstood you. I thought they were just saying that because of Beomgyu, and that you’ll turn out to be a sweet prince underneath the beast just like in my fairytale books. I wanted so desperately to believe that because for the first time in my life, someone other than Beomgyu actually looked at me, and I couldn’t bear the thought that underneath the savage exterior, I would still only find a beast. Because what would that say about me? That the only two men who ever showed any interest in me are both monsters?” 

Taehyun stays quiet, his face not letting on anything he’s feeling, if he’s even feeling anything at all. You wipe your tears away as you catch your breath, they’re good for nothing anyway. “If you want to continue this war, then you can do it without me. You don’t need me anyway, right? And if I have to choose between two monsters, I choose Beomgyu.” 

You expect him to get angry–to call you a coward, a traitor, weak… all kinds of names to express his anger and disappointment at you for “giving up”. Maybe he wouldn’t even let you go because you’re his wife now. You belong to him and he’s not going to let you let Beomgyu prevail. But his actual response leaves you baffled.

"That's not what you’re supposed to say." He says in a small voice, so unlike him, and you look at him in confusion, his words sounding familiar for some reason. “What?” 

"You’re supposed to say you chose me because you liked me.” He starts and, again, you’re perplexed by what he’s trying to say. “You’re supposed to say it’s because you thought I was different from him, that you saw something in me. Or is it only me that is supposed to care?”

Realization slowly dawns on you. He’s using your own words against you. 

“You go on and on about how I don’t show you affection but I have been all this time!” He exclaims, advancing on you. “I did so much for you but you don’t even see it. I’m changing for you. I’m going against my brother for you. I’m risking my entire city for you. What have you done for me?” 

You gasp, affronted. “I left my life at the palace for you. I gave everything up. I slaughtered fucking animals. I condemned a man to death. I–”

“No, you did all of that for you.” He sneers, “You just admitted it. You came here because you wanted to believe that you could be more than they made you out to be. You wanted me for my power and influence.” 

“So what?” You whimper sourly, feeling exposed. “Is it so wrong not to want to be just the whore anymore?”

“No, but don’t pretend like it was ever about me. Any other man would’ve done it for you." 

“That’s not true.” You shake your head vehemently, your budding tears flying off your lashes. 

"You know what you said when the princess first came?” He smiles sardonically, “You said you can’t go back because it would create a scandal. You never said you wanted to stay for me.”

Your face falls as you recall your words, finally realizing the full meaning behind his agitation that day. “T–Taehyun I… I didn’t mean t-that. I was just–” You blubber, your sentences getting cut off by your pathetic, self-pitying sniffles. How could you have been so blind? You had been so preoccupied with your own feelings that day–your shock at seeing the princess, your homesickness, your longing for Beomgyu, your estrangement from Taehyun… You only saw yourself and your actions for how they relate to you, you didn’t consider that Taehyun might see those same actions and be hurt by them. It sounds ridiculous but you truly were unconscious to any of it, and isn’t that worse? 

“You say I don’t care but from day one, you’re the one who showed me that you didn’t care. You don’t even notice how much you hurt me. You never even stop to think how your actions would affect me. You think it’s easy being with someone who is still in love with their past lover? To hear you whisper his name every night? To see you parade the gifts he bought you in my own home? To see plainly that you didn’t actually want to marry me or have a child with me?”

No, you didn’t think of it at all. 

But he also never let on how any of it was affecting him. He was always so cold and distant, and when you’d try to express the slightest affection towards him, he would rebuff you more often than not. How were you to know what he was thinking or feeling? He always treated your own feelings as if they were an inconvenience so how could you have known that he felt anything other than annoyance towards your actions?

“I didn’t think you cared.” You admit quietly. “You were always so closed off so how would I have known? Hell, when I said I loved you, you just stood there and stared at me! I tried to reach out but you’d always end up pushing me away. If you cared, why didn’t you show it?” 

“But I did!” He protests, “I tried to be gentler. I tried to show more affection. These things just don’t come easy to me so I tried to show them in my own way. You think if anyone else dared to question my commands as often as you do, I would’ve just let them? You think I would change my entire way of ruling for just anyone?”

“That’s really romantic–” You scoff, rolling your eyes, but he cuts you off heatedly, “You think I would give just any woman my mother’s wedding dress?” 

That gives you pause, and he sighs, exasperated. He looks like he doesn’t want to say more, like it physically pains him to get the words out, but he does.

“That dress is the only thing I have left of my mother. It’s my single most treasured possession. I’m not a sentimental kind of man, but I’ve kept that dress for years because it’s the only thing that connects me to her. I never let anyone even touch it before… It’s also the only nice thing I own and I know how much these things mean to you. And I wanted you to feel beautiful on your wedding day.” 

The flood of tears on your cheeks slowly trickles into sporadic drops as you take in what he’s saying. You haven’t even given that dress much thought beyond the morbid knowledge that it belonged to a dead woman. You hadn’t considered how much it means to him or why he had given it to you. Truthfully, you had just assumed that he didn’t care and that’s why he gave you an old dress that belonged to his dead mother instead of making you a new one. 

“But–why didn’t you say so?” You ask helplessly, desperately hoping he’d give you an explanation that would make sense of his elusive ways. Why did he have to make it so hard? “If that’s how you feel then why couldn’t you have just told me instead of treating me so dreadfully and hoping I’d figure it out somehow? Why couldn’t you just be honest with me? Why do you always take one step forward and ten steps back?”

“Because I’m scared!” He shouts, wild eyed, and you clamp up. Once again, he leaves you utterly stunned. Taehyun scared? Of what? You? 

He racks his hand through his hair apprehensively, and takes in a deep breath, looking away from you as he speaks, shame clashing with his strong features, “I’m so fucking scared because of how weak you make me feel–like I’d do anything you want if you just asked me to, and I’ve never been that kind of man before. I looked down on that man! I was always in control, always had my head on straight, but you come here and you turn my life upside down and make me do things I could’ve never even considered before, and I let you because I want you to be happy…and that idea fucking terrifies me more than anything so I–I pull back or lash out because you made me feel all those things…. You make me feel and that scares the shit out of me.” He looks at you helplessly, like he’s lost at sea and only you can guide him back to shore. “And it’s all the worse because I know you’re not happy. It’s not me you want. This isn’t where you want to be. I can reach into my chest and pull my own heart out and give it to you and you still wouldn’t be happy.”

His words leave you breathless. This is the first time you’ve seen how much you got to him. You always thought he just didn’t care. You never, in a million years, thought that you could ever actually hurt him, and with it comes an immense sense of guilt because is he wrong? Will you ever be happy here? Is it him that you want? 

“You know what the fucked up thing is?” He asks, finally looking at you, “This is exactly why I chose you.”

“What?” You frown, yet again not understanding what he’s getting at. You always knew that he kept his thoughts and feelings to himself but you never, before today, realized just how much of a stranger he is to you. This man is your husband and yet there is so much you don’t know about him.

“I wanted someone who would never love me.”

“But that doesn’t make any sense.” You shake your head in denial, “Why would anyone want that?”

How could that be true? You’ve spent your entire life chasing after love. Your life is consumed by it. You can’t fathom someone purposely sabotaging themselves so they wouldn’t get it. 

“Because I didn’t think I deserved love.” He says simply, a small smile on his face that makes your heart break. “If I did then god wouldn’t have taken my mother away from me and left me with him.” 

“Don’t say that!” You protest heatedly, your feet carrying you to him and you grab onto his shoulders, shaking him. “Your father is the one who killed your mother. You had nothing to do with it.” 

“But she died because of me. My father killed her during one of their fights over me.” He reveals defeatedly, like he actually believes it. “He killed her right in front of me and he held my head and made me look at her so I would see what I’ve done.” 

Is that… is that why Taehyun insists on looking the people he condemns to death in the eyes? 

Taehyun doesn’t shed any tears, you suspect they’ve been beaten out of him long ago, but you can plainly see the distraught on his face and you pull him towards you, letting him wrap his arms around you and rest his head upon your shoulder. 

You stand there for a long time, giving him the space to grief while you run your hands soothingly along his spine and whisper reassurances to him. Maybe your words will mean nothing compared to what he’s been telling himself for years, but you’ll be damned if you don't try. No one deserves what he went through. He was just a kid and he was made to go through so much misery because of that despicable man. You can’t imagine what the weight of believing you’re the reason your own mother died could do to a child. Now you understand more clearly why Taehyun is the way he is. 

“It’s not your fault, Taehyun. You had nothing to do with it. That devil is the one who killed her. She loved you very much and he wanted to take that away from you, but he can’t. He can’t take your mother’s love from you or anyone’s. You deserve to be loved.” You go on and on, gently trying to console him and he lets you, holding onto you tightly all the while, and only pulling back when you tell him that you love him. 

“I know that you love him too.” He says and you open your mouth to protest, but he hushes you. “And I won’t lie and say that that doesn’t hurt, but I knew what I was getting into when I chose you. I knew you loved someone else and I never thought that you’d ever love me so I can’t turn around and blame you for it now. But that didn't stop me from foolishly trying to gain your love anyway. And when you told me that you loved me… I wanted to be a man deserving of your love. I wanted you to choose me.” 

“I want you to choose me.” He props your chin up with his finger. You look into his stormy eyes and it’s like he’s finally allowing you to see all the turmoil inside–all the fear, uncertainty, anger, affection…

But when he leans in, seeking to capture your mouth with his, you put your hand to his chest to keep him at bay, and the hurt he regards you with is strong enough to rip you apart. You realize that Taehyun, whether he knows it consciously or not, is depending on you to prove to him that he is worthy of love. Maybe he thinks if you chose him over Beomgyu then that would prove his father wrong, and while you do love him, that’s an unfair burden to put on you. You love him but he can’t depend on you to fix a lifelong complex that you weren’t even part of.

“I love you Taehyun.” You repeat emphatically, “I’m sorry that I hurt you and I’m sorry and that I was too selfish to even see it, and I’m sorry for how the world has been treating you. You don’t deserve what happened to you, but none of that excuses what you did today. You don’t get to treat people cruelly just because you’ve had the same happen to you.” 

He lets out a pained sigh, his hand dropping from your face. “I know. It’s just… they were pressuring me.” 

"Who?"

"The other lords, the half that is supposed to be loyal to me.” He holds his head down like he has failed. “They kept telling me that you’re controlling me. That I've gone soft because of you…" 

Your face falls as you realize where this is going. You’ve been working so hard to help him gain the favor of the men who opposed him, that you didn’t even realize how that might turn the others who were more comfortable with his way of governance against him. 

"I've already lost half my court because of the rumor and now the others were turning on me. I had to keep you away to show them that I wasn't doing it for you. To protect you. But I was also doing it for myself. I hated myself for how much I was letting you change me and I hated you for making me. I needed to do something on my own. To prove to myself and to them that I wasn't just following you."

Taehyun looks at you with fear and despair in his eyes. You’re not used to such emotions from him. In this moment, he looks nothing like the strong and even cruel warlord everyone knows, and more like a scared young man who has been forced to take on much more than anyone could handle from such a young age. He had to grow up too fast, to toughen up, so he could survive his father and protect his brother and his people. He was taught that he was unlovable and that love itself was a sign of weakness that had to be beaten out of him, that showing any hint of emotion is a chink in his armor that others could use in order to stab him where he’s weak. 

So of course when he found himself softening, as his lords described, he freaked out and had to pull himself together. It all makes sense now… but still, it doesn’t justify what he’s done. 

“Then you didn’t have to make Kai do it. You could’ve just executed him discreetly like his accomplices and not made your brother have to face such a gruesome scene. You of all people should know that." The last part makes him flinch, but you needed to say it. You needed him to realize that what he did wasn’t much different from what his father had done to him. You need him not to become his father. 

“I know…” He holds his head in his hands shamefully, “But I was mad at him, for not having my back, for making me choose between my wife and my brother. I know I fucked up but he should’ve had my back, damn it!”

“He just wants to protect you.” You say gently, “You’re his only family.” 

“That’s selfish.” 

“Maybe it is, But is it not also selfish to insist on keeping me around even though it’s risking the lives of everyone else? To put the little people you’d sworn to protect lives in danger because of one woman?” 

“You know I would do it for anyone.” He says and you smile sadly, but then he grabs you in his arms, pulling you close to him, and continues, “But you’re not just any woman. You’re my wife. My family.” 

You know he means it. You really are his family. You see that now. 

But you can’t accept it. He has a lot of feelings for you, even if he can’t label them in a way that would satisfy you, and those feelings are causing him to latch onto you and refuse to let you go, even if it meant that everyone else would get hurt because of it. So you have to be the pragmatic one here and do what would be best for everyone else. It’s only fitting that you have to be the one to make the sacrifice since you’re the one who put everyone in danger in the first place. 

“I can’t, Taehyun. If you can’t let me go for your people then I’ll be the one to go.” You try to push him away again but he holds onto you. “Taehyun, let me go. You can’t fight this war. It was a stupid idea to begin with but now that your entire court has turned against you, your chances of holding him off are nonexistent. If you try to go to war with him, your lords might turn against you and kill you themselves.”

But Taehyun shakes his head. “What I have done may have been gruesome but I know it satisfied those loyal to me and got them back on my side. It proved to them that I’m still the man they had sworn their fealty to. And if I do some damage control, I can show the rest that this need not happen to them if they just remain faithful, and in exchange for their loyalty, I could offer them even more privileges.” 

“That may have worked before but now you’d have to give them something huge. What are you going to offer them that Beomgyu can’t double?” You’re highly skeptical but you entertain his idea for a moment, maybe he actually has something up his sleeve. 

But then he speaks and dashes any little hope you had. “I’ll think of something.” 

“We don’t have time.” 

“Just give a little bit more.” He pleads, “I command a huge army and I control the only harbor in the kingdom. The capital depends on this trade route greatly and they can’t even form an effective siege against me since I could get provisions by sea. I know he’s more powerful but I am not an easy opponent and if I get my court back on my side, and if you stand by me, maybe we can gather even more supporters from other cities." 

"But the best case scenario for that would be a full on civil war. It would be a bloodbath that would tear the kingdom apart." You exclaim. You appreciate his staunch intent to protect you, but you’re not worth the loss of life. Your life is not worth more than any of the people who would die for you. 

"It might not have to go that far. He's only threatening us. He hasn't attacked yet. He could be bluffing. We're not the only ones who stand to lose a lot in this after all." 

"It's too much of a gamble, Taehyun. Especially when I know I could stop all of this by just surrendering myself to him." You try to squirm out of his hold, but he clutches onto you. “No, please stay.” 

You freeze, looking at him with wide eyes. This is exactly what you’ve been craving to hear from him all this time. He has finally said it. He’s finally showing you that he wants you. 

“Don’t leave me.” He urges, and you cup his cheeks, staring into his panicked eyes. “Oh, Taehyun. How I have longed to hear you say that.” You pull him to a kiss so passionate it feels like it’s your first. In a way, it is. It’s your first kiss after he showed you just how much he truly wants you. It’s raw and wild, a clash of lips and tongues that leaves you consumed in the wake of it. 

“But–”

“No, no buts.” He protests, trying to kiss you again but you keep him at bay with your hands on his face. You can’t let him kiss you like that again. You’re not sure if you’d have the power to refuse him if he did. “But I can’t. It’s not fair to your people.”

“I don’t care.” He proclaims, but you can see that he’s visibly fighting with himself. “All my life I have been sacrificing what I want for the sake of everyone else, for my people, for Kai, and yet no one is satisfied. Why can’t I do what I want for once?” 

You smile sadly. “Because it’s not you. And even though you want this now, you might hate yourself for it later when you realize how much you’ve lost for me.” You pause for a second, taking a moment to memorize his face, your thumb brushing over his prominent cheekbone. “So if I have to be the one to make this decision for you then–”

"I love you!" He blurts out, stealing the breath from your lungs. You turn to stone in his arms, letting him overtake you and wrap his arms more tightly around you.  

 "What?" You wonder how you have the breath to ask with no air in your lungs, your heart the only organ in your body still working, and it’s going into overdrive. 

"I-I love you?" He repeats unsurely. 

"Is that a question?" You ask in a high pitched voice, and his panic rises. He looks frightened. "I don't know."

"You can't just say that.” You wail, hitting his chest with your fists angrily, tearfully. “You can't just say you love me just to make me stay." 

Is this how little he thinks of your feelings? To just use them as a way to manipulate you into staying? He really does resemble Beomgyu even if he’s loath to admit it. But at least Beomgyu actually meant it when he said it. 

"I don’t know. I don’t know." He blabbers, distraught, and grabs your wrists to stop you from hitting him, keeping you close to him. You can do nothing but whimper pathetically. "You can't do this to me." 

“I know, I’m sorry. I just… just please let me try. If I can’t protect you and my city then you can go.” He pleads, looking into your eyes to try to convince you–the choppy gray of his irises is not calm, but it doesn’t look so dangerous right now. It pulls you in and pushes you around, but it doesn’t swallow you down. It just forces you to feel his turmoil, forces you to feel his pain, and soon you’re too tired to keep fighting it. 

“I don’t think I can hold Wonyoung off for long so you better figure it out soon.” You say and he smiles widely. Well, as widely as the circumstances allow, and it diminishes even more when you continue, “And I want you to make it right with Kai."

He lets your wrists go in lieu of holding you at the waist. “He’s not going to accept any apologies from me unless it’s accompanied by sending you away.” 

“I know but he still needs to hear it.” 

“Okay, I will talk to him in the morning.” He sighs and leans down to kiss you but you turn your head to the side so he ends up just landing a peck on your cheek. “Let’s go to bed. We’ve had a long week.” 

You let him lead you to bed, pulling the covers up for you then draping them over you before going to lie down on his own side of the bed. 

You force your eyes closed, hoping to actually get some sleep despite the storm of emotions flooding your body. 

Of course, it doesn’t work. You’re anxious and cold and you feel like you’re being watched. Opening your eyes, you see Taehyun staring at you. 

“You’re staring.” You say simply.

“Aren’t you cold?” He asks tentatively. You may not have noticed it before but, after your previous discussion, you know that this is his way of asking you if you want to cuddle. 

You sigh and move closer to him, wrapping your arms around him and he does the same. Maybe you’re a bigger idiot than he is. 

“Thank you.” He says, burying his nose in your hair and you hum, resting your cheek over his shoulder and basking in his solid warmth. You didn’t know how much you needed this in order to calm down until he calls your name and you realize you had almost fallen asleep. 

“Yeah?” You answer softly. 

"Do you remember us meeting as kids?"

You frown. "You mean when we played a prank on your father?"

"No. After that. I visited again after."

You pull your head up to look at him in confusion. "What are you talking about?"

"I visited the palace another time after that.” He recounts, “I immediately sought you and the prince out to see what kind of trouble you were getting up to this time, and I found you playing at the lake, splashing each other with the dirty water, not caring how you’re ruining your expensive clothes with your merriment." 

You remember that, or rather you remember the countless times you and Beomgyu played or swam in that lake. They were blissful days, so full of joy and contentment. The warmth of the memory is in direct contrast to the chill of the castle around you and it drives you to seek the heat of Taehyun’s body. You pull yourself tighter against him, but you’re already almost flushed together, and yet this pales in comparison to your memories of being surrounded by Beomgyu’s scalding heat. 

You don’t know if Taehyun notices the small, involuntary frown on your face or if he knows the reason behind it, but he doesn’t comment on it, and he continues, “I watched you two from the shadows for a while, marveling at how you two were allowed to just be children, how much joy you took in each other’s company. You were there, all by yourselves, playing in that lake and you looked the happiest anyone can be.” 

You really were. You’d give anything to go back to those days when it was just you and Beomgyu and no one else. When nothing else mattered but you. You feel so wrong thinking it when you were in the arms of your husband and Beomgyu was probably in his own spouse’s bed, but it’s true. Will you ever be as happy as you were back then again? 

“I wanted that.” Taehyun says, jostling you out of your forlorn inquiry. “My father never allowed me to run around or play with other children. I never got to get my clothes dirty or play pranks or mess up like any other kid, and I wanted to be a child too for once. So I walked out of the shadows towards you. You were the first one to notice me. You stopped playing and looked at me with a sort of fear, but you still looked so cute, like a mischievous chubby-cheeked little cherub who was caught messing around.” 

You flush at the fond way he looks at you. “I must've been scared you’d rat us out. Which is stupid now that I think of it because everyone must’ve known that Beomgyu and I played together. Why else would my dress be drenched in muddy lake water at the exact same time his clothes were.” You snort, just now realizing how foolish you’d been. But then again, you were just children. 

“Well, after you stopped, so did her, and that’s when he saw me. He pulled you behind him and asked me what I wanted while he gave me his meanest look.” He laughs and you smile. The idea of little Beomgyu glaring down little Taehyun was oddly endearing. “That’s when I asked if I could join. You’d both look surprised at that, like you didn’t know what to say, but then you smiled and said sure but that I must keep it a secret.” 

You laugh at that. “So you actually played with us?”

“I did. And it was pretty fun too. I don’t want to brag but I was definitely beating the both of you. You losers were swallowing lake water by the bucketful because of me.” He taunts and you smile at him fondly. 

“Man, I wish I could remember that. The image of little you wading around the lake and splashing us with water is just too precious.” You giggle, “That must’ve been a lot of fun. Beomgyu usually let me win so that would’ve been a nice change of pace.” 

“It was… until you said something that upset him.” He says and you look at him in shock. “Me?” 

“Yeah. Apparently I was smiling a lot and you made a passing comment about how I had a pretty smile and cute dimples. It made me want to give you all of my smiles just so you’d be happy.” He explains and you blush. “But it didn’t go along well with Beomgyu. I didn’t understand it fully but I could tell even back then that he didn’t like that because, immediately after, he started acting really rudely towards me, and the water fight turned from playful to spiteful. He did all he could to show me that I wasn’t welcome, to get me to leave. But I refused to give in. I was welcomed by someone for the first time in my life. I wasn’t going to let him take it away from me so I fought back. It quickly soured after that and we started wrestling in the water and trying to push each other down until you had to intervene and put a stop to it.”

“Oh my god.” You breathe. You didn’t realize things were this way even back then. "How come I don’t remember all of that?"

"Because you only ever saw him." He says wistfully, “Even back then, you took his side and told me to leave.” 

“I’m sorry, Taehyun.” You apologize meekly. “I didn’t know, and he was my only friend.” 

“I understand, but you know now, and I hope you choose differently this time.” He says, looking you in the eyes. 

“Taehyun, I–”

“You know I never forgot you? I looked for you at the archery tournaments when Beomgyu would compete. I wanted to see the cute chubby-cheeked angel who welcomed me back then if even for a moment. But you were never there.” 

Your heart flutters at the sweet nickname. Maybe it’s because you’re starved for his affection, but every little sweet thing he says or does hits you ten times harder. 

“Yeah. Beomgyu never let me tag along.” You tell him glumly, “I guess now I know why.” 

Beomgyu had always told you those tournaments were no place for ladies and he always scheduled a day of pampering and relaxation for you back at the palace so you wouldn’t miss him too much, but it never really made that much sense to you when his mother and sister were allowed to attend. He would tell you that they had to because they’re his family and they have to be there to support him, and also because, being the royal family, they had to make appearances in all kinds of events, but you didn’t. 

It didn’t matter that you wanted to go or that you’d heard that those tournaments were really good places to catch the eyes of eligible bachelors, and maybe even receive a rose from one of the competing lords and knights. His answer to that was that the balls held at the palace were an ample opportunity to meet men without having to suffer through the hot, dusty conditions of those tournaments so you really weren’t missing out on anything by not going there. 

Of course now you know that he was just worried that he wouldn’t be able to stop someone from approaching you in a place that wasn’t entirely under his family’s control like the palace. Maybe you would’ve even met Taehyun there. 

“Would you have given me a rose if I was there?” 

“Of course. But you probably wouldn’t have noticed mine from all the roses you would’ve gotten.” He says without a hint of sarcasm but you still scoff and look away, trying to play off your blush. “Yeah, right.”  

“It’s true. There is a reason Beomgyu worked so hard to keep you away from anyone.” He tells you seriously, “But I want you to know that I would never stop you from going anywhere you want.” 

“What if what I want is to go back to him?” 

“Want to or feel like you need to for other people?” He asks pointedly, but you can’t give him an answer. “I don’t know.” 

He opens his mouth as if to say something but then he closes it and looks away. You sigh, moving to pull away. He probably doesn’t want to embrace you now. But to your surprise, he keeps his hold on you, and says without looking at you, “Stay.” 

________________________________

Kai rejects Taehyun’s apology, telling him that he'll only forgive him if he lets you go just like Taehyun said he would. 

Moreover, the court is still in disarray following the spread of Beomgyu’s threats and Jaeyun’s public execution, but again like Taehyun said, half of his court remain loyal to him. But due to the other half being on edge, Taehyun does his best to keep you safe from any more attempts to kidnap you. He has guards around you at all times, but thankfully he doesn’t confine you to your room anymore. 

Wonyoung is not happy about you stalling. She doesn’t understand why you’re still holding onto him, and she’s not shy about letting you know, saying that he has clearly gone off his rocker, that he’s only going to get worse and you’re risking a lot by staying still. And maybe she’s right, maybe you’re making a mistake, but you need to see this through. You owe it to Taehyun after all he’s done for you. 

But it’s certainly no coincidence that mysterious raids have been taking place at the edge of the city since you’ve told her–unknown men descending on the farms and graineries at night and terrorizing the people there, ransaking their homes or burning them completely. 

These raids have caused panic to spread, not only in court but also around the city. Of course the city people didn’t know the true perpetrators of those raids but the terror that was taking hold of people could easily turn them against Taehyun. It has already made the unhappy lords even more agitated. 

You confronted Wonyoung about it, and she readily admits to Beomgyu being behind them. 

“This is just a warning.” Wonyoung had said. “Just a taste of what’s to come if you continue refusing.” 

“Wonyoung, you don’t have to involve innocent people in this.” You had protested, but her response was familiar by now. “I am not. You are. Just come home and it will all be over.” 

You can also clearly see how restless this is making Taehyun, but he tries his best not to take it out on you. He sends troops out to fortify the borders of the city and guard some of the bigger silos, but there is only so much they can do to stop the scattered bands of attackers. 

“I wish I was out there.” Taehyun confides in you, but you can’t be supportive of such risky sentiment. "Are you insane?”

“I just want to scope the scene out. See what I’m dealing with in order to make better decisions on how to protect my people.” He explains to you but you’re not having it for one second. “You think Beomgyu’s men won’t be on the lookout for you? If you go out there, you’ll make it so much easier for him to kill you."

He seems to believe your words but they just make him more agitated. He must feel trapped and helpless which, for someone like Taehyun who is used to doing so much from such a young age, is unbearable. Maybe it even reminds him of the time he was forced to sit by and do nothing regarding his mother’s death. It must bring forward a lot of painful memories, and you get that, but you can’t let him put himself right into Beomgyu’s trap. 

"I can't just sit here and watch my people suffer." He shouts, hitting the table with his fist. 

“Taehyun… you know how to stop it.” You say slowly, and he shoots up from his chair. 

“No! I will figure something out.” He insists, shaking his head roughly. “I just wish I could see what’s happening out there. Just take a quick look….” 

“No.” It’s your turn to put your foot down. “If you go, I won’t be here when you come back.” 

That seems to do the trick, and let out a defeated sigh as he slumps back in his chair, his eyes darting around the room as if he can find the answer to his troubles in it. 

“We do have his sister…” He starts and you give him an uneasy look. You don’t like where this is going.  

“Yeah, so?” 

“She would make a valuable hostage—”

“Absolutely not!” You shut him down. You refuse to let him hurt Wonyoung. “You’re not holding Wonyoung as a hostage.”

“Why not? Need I remind you that she is here to threaten us? It’s well within our rights to hold her in exchange for his retreat.” 

“You’re being crazy right now. Even if that works, he’ll just stop until she goes back to the palace and then he’ll start again. Hell, he could even use this as an excuse to attack us in the first place. He could say that you kidnapped the princess!” You shout at him, hoping to get across how insane his idea is. “Taehyun if you don’t have a plan–”

“I’ll figure something out.” He cuts you off harshly. But when he sees your expression, he softens a bit. “Just give me more time.” 

“Until when?” You press him. He can’t keep putting this off forever when he clearly doesn’t have a plan. 

“Just a little bit more.” He answers vaguely, and you sigh. You don’t have the energy to argue with him right now. 

“Fine.” You yield, “Are you coming to bed?” 

“You go. I need to think.” He waves you off, and you frown. “Taehyun…” 

“What?” He asks but then he notices the hurt look on your face and he gets up, walking around the table towards you and pulling you towards him. 

“I’m sorry I’m leaving you alone once again, but I’ll be there before you wake up, and I promise you once I figure this out, you won’t go to bed alone another night, okay?” He cups your face, his hands engulfing your face, and makes you look at him, his eyes searching your own for any sign of approval and you reluctantly give in. 

“Okay.” 

He gives you a small smile and a kiss on the forehead. “Goodnight, my angel.” 

“Goodnight.” 

_______________________

When you wake up the next day, and Taehyun is not next to you, you immediately feel your stomach knotting up. Yes, you’ve been going to bed alone for a few nights now but usually when you wake up in the morning, you find yourself in his arms. You know it’s likely that he just stayed up in his study all night or he might’ve even fallen asleep there but you still can’t shake off the feeling that something wasn’t right. But you try not to let it take a hold of you as you bathe and then get dressed. It’s probably nothing. He’s probably up by now–he never sleeps much–and you’ll find him already seated at the dining table. 

But when you reach the dining room and still don’t find him there, your worry blooms into full panic. 

Only Kai and Wonyoung are at the table. They seem to be engaged in a… friendly discussion? It was a strange sight to see, but you couldn’t stop to think about it when your mind was overrun with just one thought. 

“Where is Taehyun?” You call out, and Kai turns to you with a frown. 

“How should I know? You’re his wife. You sleep next to him.” He says disparagingly.

“But he didn’t come to bed. He said he would but he didn’t. The last time I saw him was in his study last night.”  You explain, unable to keep the panic from your voice. “I’ll go check.” 

You hurry towards his study, trying not to break into a run. There is no reason for you to be this worried. He’s probably fine and you’re just overreacting. 

Kai follows after you, but since his legs are longer, he quickly outpaces you, and by the time you reach Taehyun’s study, Kai was already coming out of it with a perturbed look on his face  “He’s not here. Where the fuck did he go?” 

“You don’t think…” You ask, wondering if Taehyun decided to go take a look at the city borders after all, and Kai shakes his head. “No, no, he can’t.”

“But–”

“This is all your fucking fault!” Kai screams at you. 

“I told him not to go!” You defend yourself. 

“Oh, you told him? How could he have refused you?” 

“Didn’t you say that he listens to me? See? He doesn’t listen!” You fret, his panic causing yours to rise to new heights. 

Just then, Wonyoung walks in. “You haven’t found him?” 

You whirl around to face her, imploring, “Do you know where he is, Wonnie?” 

“No!” She asserts and throws a glance at Kai. Is she worried he’d hurt her if she says she does? 

Fearing that that’s the case, you lean closer to her so only she could hear. “Please, tell me if you do.”  

She looks you straight in the eyes and repeats clearly, “I don’t know where he is.” 

“Fuck!” You curse, your fingers tangling in your hair as you let the panic take full hold over you. 

“Why don’t you ask the workers?” She speaks up again, trying to calm you down. “Someone is bound to have seen him.” 

“Oh, that’s a great idea, Wonnie!” You turn to the guards who were like a second shadow to you right now and ask them if they’ve heard anything about where Taehyun might be. 

“We’re sorry my lady but we don’t know.” One of them speaks up, answering you. 

And so you run around the castle asking other guards and servants where Taehyun is and if anyone has seen him until you stumble upon a guard that tells you he’d seen Taehyun leaving the castle. 

“Did he tell you where he went?” 

The man looks at you sheepishly. “My lady, Lord Taehyun doesn’t make a habit of informing us of his whereabouts.” 

Of course he doesn’t. What are you going to do now? Your only option was to spread word to every man and woman working in the castle to report to you immediately once Taehyun shows up. Other than that, you can do nothing but spend the day in absolute terror, not knowing where Taehyun is or whether he’s safe. Then that terror morphs into anger as the hours pass by. You told him he shouldn’t go! You told him it’s unsafe. You warned him that if he does, you’ll leave, and he still went. 

Maybe you should make good on your threat. He promised to treat you better. He promised to listen to you and yet, just a few days later, he completely goes against what you’d asked of him. If he’s going to continue disregarding your feelings then you should just go… 

Who are you kidding? You can’t go. You have to make sure he’s alright. You’re only angry because if you let yourself succumb to the fear, you’re going to go out yourself and search for him. 

Fuck, maybe you should. You can’t just stand here anymore. Maybe you should–

Just then, a servant approaches you, stopping your frantic pacing and anxious contemplations. 

“My lady?” She calls out, a careful expression on her face, and you know something is seriously wrong. 

“Lord Taehyun is in the infirmary.” 

_______________________________

"Oh my god." You heave, breathing quickly and erratically, feeling like you can’t take in any air into your lungs at the sight of your husband. 

Taehyun is lying in bed in the infirmary, bloodied and bruised, but most concerningly there was a blood-soaked bandage covering his left eye completely. 

"I’m fine." He holds his hands up, trying to calm you. 

You rush up to him but stop just short of touching him. You don’t want to hurt him so you just stand there next to him, fussing and unsure of what to do. Seeing your condition, Taehyun reaches out and holds your hand, pulling on it to get you to sit down on the edge of the bed. You follow his cue helplessly, holding onto his hand tightly and raking your eyes up and down his body trying to assess the extent of his injuries without touching him. 

“What happened to you?” 

“He refuses to say.” Kai, who was already there, informs you. 

You whip your head towards Taehyun with a reproachful look. “Taehyun!”

“I am not refusing to say.” He retorts, glaring at Kai. “I was attacked by that lunatic’s men.” 

“Oh my god.” You feel faint. Luckily you were already sitting down. So Beomgyu is making good on his threats after all. 

“Yes but you won’t say where you were attacked or what you were doing out of the castle.” Kai comes back. 

“Is that true?” You ask Taehyun, and he gives you a guilty look. You spring to your feet, angry. “Taehyun! You have to tell us what happened! You were at the borders, weren’t you?”

“I wasn’t.” He denies.

“Bullshit!” 

“Kai, I may be injured but I can still beat you up.” 

“If you weren’t there then why won’t you say where you really were?” 

Taehyun’s jaw clenches and he looks away. In doing that, you can only see this side of his face, the side that had his bandaged eye. 

You reach out tentatively to pull it back but Taehyun grabs your hand before you could. “Don’t.”

“Is it gone?” You almost don’t dare to speak it. 

“Yes.” 

“Oh. Oh god.” You wheeze, moving away in horror but he holds onto your hand, keeping you close. “I’m fine, sweetheart.” 

“How could you say you’re fine? Your eye is gone!” You screech out, your voice echoing around the room. This is insane. Things have completely spiraled out of control. 

“But the rest of me is fine. These are all just superficial cuts and bruises.” He gestures to his battered body. 

“Oh well, then that makes it okay.” Your voice trembles as your throat chokes up. He lost his eye because of you. He could’ve died because of you. How is he not taking it more seriously? You know he’s probably just trying to calm you down but how could you? 

“How could this happen?” Kai seethes. 

“I was alone when I was attacked.” 

“And where were you?” You snap, once again letting your terror turn into anger so you won’t collapse. “I told you not to go.” 

“I wasn’t at the border.” He insists. 

"We have to do something." Kai announces with purpose, "He's not going to rest until–"

"Shut your mouth." Taehyun cuts him off harshly, but you finish for him. "Until he gets me back." 

"Angel…"

"It's true.” You tell him helplessly, “Kai is right." 

"No, he’s not.” Taehyun sneers, “You're my wife. I won't hand you to him." He holds onto your hand painfully, but you can’t even feel it. It doesn’t compare to the ache in your heart. You did this to him, and you’re going to keep hurting him if you don’t make him let go. 

Sometimes we have to do the painful thing to protect the ones we love.

"You won't. I'll go on my own." 

"I refuse. I won’t let you give yourself up for me.” 

“So you can risk your life for me but I can't do this to protect you? I told you that if you go fight with the men I'd–" 

"I wasn’t fighting." He denies once again, exasperated. 

"Then what were you doing?" You exclaim in frustration. 

He sighs and turns to Kai. “Leave us."

"Like hell–"

"Go!" He snarls at Kai who gives the both of you a resentful look. But seeing how adamant Taehyun is, he reluctantly leaves, slamming the door loudly after him.

“I was at the docks.” Taehyun reveals slowly, and you give him a confused look. You weren’t expecting that answer. Before you can say anything, he answers your unspoken question. “I was getting you something.”

You watch as he puts his free hand in his pocket and pulls out something. Opening his fist,  he reveals a bloodied pearl necklace. 

You stare at it blankly, not really understanding why he’s showing you this. 

"There was a ship coming in with all kinds of luxurious goods. We don’t really get many of those here. They’re usually imported by the land route so when I heard about this ship, I decided to go down to the docks and buy some items for you. What I didn’t take into account was that he might already have people in the city working for him. Or maybe they followed me from the castle, I don’t know. I underestimated him. Anyway, I was able to fight them off enough to escape so naturally I couldn’t really come back with any of the things I had bought you. I only managed to hold onto this." At that, he shakes the pearls in his hand. 

When you stay silent, he continues, "This was supposed to be more romantic, but it's ruined because it got all bloody.” He explains sheepishly, then adds with a snort, “And because of the eye." 

You turn your gaze to his face, mind still failing to understand. "What…?" 

"You said you liked pretty things." He murmured, "You deserve pretty things."

“You went by yourself to the docks… to buy me jewelry?” You ask slowly, the words not making sense on your tongue. 

“And furs. They also had some really gorgeous furs, and I know you get cold–” 

"You fucking idiot.” You breathe, choking up from the flurry of emotions you were feeling at the absurd situation. “You almost lost your life and scared me half to death so you can get me pretty things?"

"You're crying over me." He observes and you wipe at your tears harshly. “I know. You hate it when I cry.” 

He places the necklace on his lap and grabs your hands, pulling them away from your face. “I hate it when you cry because of me. It’s cute when you’re crying over me.” 

"You're an asshole." You try to hit him but he uses his grip on you to pull you close to kiss you. 

“I hate you.” You mumble against his lips. 

“I don’t believe you.” He retorts, shutting you up with another kiss, and you sigh into it, letting the anxiety seep out of your body bit by bit as your lips move against each other softly. 

“I’m still mad at you.” You say when you pull back, “You lost your eye. This is only getting worse, and you still haven’t figured out–”

“I did.” 

“What?” Your breathing goes shallow.

“I figured out how to stop him. I know how I can raise the stakes.” 

“How?” You gulp, somehow feeling more anxious than ever. “You can’t match what he’s capable of offering your men.”

"I can if I take his." He informs you somberly. 

“And how can you do that?”

“By killing him.” 

You stop breathing completely. 

“It won’t just be for me and you. He’s a deranged criminal. He has killed both his father and his brother. Who knows what else he’ll do? The kingdom won’t be safe with that kind of ruler governing it. We need to kill him and end his corruption.”

“But–how–” You can barely hear yourself speaking. “The people won’t stand by you.” 

“Some will. He will tell his version of the story and I’ll tell mine. His story is convincing but not perfect. It’s already very suspicious that he’s the only male in his family not to get killed. But when you add to that the fact that we got married before his family was attacked then the plan he made for me doesn’t make sense. When you make a public appearance and tell the truth, people may believe you.” He tells you as if that’s a given. As if you could just participate in taking down the man you’ve always loved that easily. As the thought of hurting him doesn’t make you want to die. “I also heard that his wife is locked up in her room at the palace and can’t get in touch with her family. I’m sure her father would like to know that information. If his daughter’s, the queen, life is in danger, don’t you think he’d have a stake in this battle?” 

Think? You can’t think. What he’s saying goes against everything you’ve ever grown up believing. You helping to kill Beomgyu? It would make more sense for him to ask you to turn the tides, to take down the moon, to kill the gods. No, this doesn’t make any sense. 

“I know this is hard for you, angel.” He murmurs, pulling your hand up to his lips and kissing the back of it softly. 

No, you don’t know. You don’t know anything. 

“But this is the best for everyone, but you can do it. I know my angel is not only strong but she has a big and kind heart. You know that if he stays alive, he will never stop. Even if you go back to him, do you think he would actually spare me? He wants to own you and he can’t do that when you’re married to me. He will have to get rid of me.” 

“But he promised…” You whisper. 

“Can you look me in the eye and honestly tell me that you believe him?”

“I have to.” You croak but Taehyun shakes his head. “You don’t have to do anything. It’s all up to you. The question is, what do you want to do?” He looks at you so intensely that you can’t bear the glare of it. It’s too much. You can’t think. You want to do the right thing but what if you choose wrong? It’s bad enough that you have to choose between the two men that you love, between your soulmate and your husband, but to have people’s lives be put on line because of that decision? It’s too much. 

Unable to face him, you turn your back to him and pull your hair up. “Put the necklace on me.” 

“But it’s all bloody.” You can hear the confusion in his voice. 

“It’s a gift from you.” You crane your head to smile at him. “It comes with the territory.”

He huffs out a laugh and scoots closer to place the necklace around your neck, clasping it from behind. When he’s done, you let your hair down and turn towards him again. 

“How do I look?” You ask, one of your hands going up to thumb at the reddened necklace. 

“Devastatingly beautiful.” 

________________________________________

A/N: only two more chapters to go 😭 who do you think oc will choose? 

i hope you guys savor this chapter because i gotta focus on my real life for a bit before next chapter 

#txt smut #tomorrow by together smut

[shysublimecoffee]

Itachi would've been fine to me tbh if like the story just let him be humbled lol. The main issue is that nobody called out Itachi for his actions, except for Itachi himself, which ironically serves to make him seem even more virtuous and flawless. "I understand feeling upset when some people in the fandom community don't use critical thinking. However, imagine investing a lot of time following a story you read since you were a kid. Many people simply follow the story as presented, and can you blame them when the story validates Itachi? I can't really blame them that much when even the writer seems to be bending over backwards to portray the character as a well-meaning hero, like in the case of Itachi." Now, I don't really know how well something like reading a piece of Naruto media can translate to real life but the saying the things we read and watch can influence on how we perceive the world rings true in my opinion because unfortunately some people really do believe in the Uchiha curse b.s and to me reflects a lot when it comes to how marginalized groups are stigmatized like the idea of a group having the curse of hatred inside of them is fucked if you are so set to believe in something based on a fictional group in a piece of media well... it raises questions about how that might influence real-life beliefs and attitudes towards marginalized groups

I think it's important to be at an age where you have developed critical thinking skills to engage with complex narratives like this. Many people are influenced by nostalgia and are such huge fans of certain characters that they are inclined to make elaborate analyses justifying their actions. For example, some might argue that because Itachi was just a kid when he committed certain acts, it excuses his behavior. However, if we start using age or other factors as excuses for heinous actions, where do we draw the line? What other circumstances would you be willing to bend over backwards to justify committing heinous crimes similar to what Itachi did?

Naruto is a bitch. I don't really want to extend to much with this character since I just feel disappointment. I wanted him to do more then he failed. He's become a politician I don't know what else to say lol. So many people say he inspired them how? What did he accomplish besides obtaining Hokage their world is still fucked up man the shinobi system still rotten. I thought this kid would grow up to do something about it but he remained complacent and changed nothing only difference is he's on top. I realized about later that was Sasuke role as an antagonist and it wouldn't make much sense lol there need to being 2 opposing sides but yeah... He was a whole lotta nothing as a protagonist he was cute kid but he grew up to be a dumb fuck who can't figure out why his "dearest friend" is siding against him and became man who can't keep promises.

It makes sense he had a hunger for acknowledgement I'm not discrediting that since he was a child but he wanted validation from everyone that he has such an obsession with his own self-image and how everyone thinks of him that I find it portrayal to be unhealthy. Sasuke at the end was just a checklist a reward at the end of the day that he wanted to gain for his personal goal.

Naruto talk no jutsu is so manipulative to me sometimes that instead of directly confronting Sasuke's ideas or opinions as equals would in a debate or discussion he would indirectly undermined them. He did this by ignoring Sasuke's valid arguments and instead focusing on exploiting Sasuke's emotional vulnerability, particularly his feelings of loneliness and despair stemming from the loss of family. Like his approach to me suggests a tactic to manipulate Sasuke's emotions rather than engaging with his ideas or concerns directly. But, I ain't sure if he's doing this deliberately since I don't know if he's that smart or I'm looking to much closely.

I'd rather ship his character with fucking OC's. I feel like each member of Team 7 are obsessed and want something from the guy but they don't care for Sasuke personally because if they did it would show but they're after him for what they want from him as a goalpost and hey they won.

#anti naruto #anti naruto ending #anti itachi

[donationwayne]

Fuck It Friday

i noticed everyone is mostly doing spicy clips this fuck it friday but i haven't written any buddie smut yet so i hope everyone enjoys a snippet from my upcoming army!eddie fic coming up. It will also be my first multi-chapter fic! (this is from my first draft so if you see any typos please ignore lmaoooo)

i was tagged by @daffi-990 !!!!

Buck and Eddie moved to LA w/ Chris, shortly after Eddie was deployed overseas again. Buck is navigating raising their son on his own in a new state while working a new job and starting at the 118. Things get dicey when Eddie goes MIA overseas.

“Hey Bobby, I hate to ask this, but my Abuela broke her hip while she was watching my son. Would I be able to pick him up from the hospital? His Tia will have her hands full caring for my Abuela.” Bobby blinked at Buck, stupefied. “Your son?” Buck gave the three of them a sheepish smile, turning shy eyes on Chimney and Hen, who were staring at Buck slack-jaw. "Sorry, can you repeat that?” Chimney asked, pretending to clean out his ear with a tinge of sarcasm and shock. “I, yeah—his name is Chris. He’s 7. I’m sorry I never said anything sooner—we were still just trying to settle in. It was a huge change for us to move out here. And on top of that, I didn’t know…” “You didn’t know what it would be like here.” Hen stated. She picked up on the implication behind the half spoken thought easily. In the years since Bobby took over, the crew had grown so much closer, all wound together in one giant, occasionally dysfunctional, family. Even more so, once Athena and Bobby started dating about a year after she and Michael had officially separated. Buck wouldn’t just be introducing himself to a new family, but his son was, which was certainly intimidating. Terrifying even when it was so clear that Buck had some serious self-esteem issues. He was terrified of rejection, and adding an extra party to the equation complicated everything that much more. Buck shrugged and smiled sheepishly. “I never expected LA to become home so fast. Before I really settled in here at the station, I just wanted to be sure it was going to work before I completely committed. I needed to leave my options open in case the hours didn’t work with taking care of him. Texas and LA are extremely different environments, and even though we’d been here through my training, I still wasn’t sure if we’d find a good school.” Buck shakes his head. “I’m sorry I didn’t mention anything sooner, but we just weren’t ready.” “But you’re ready now?” Bobby asked, his expression both unreadable and soft. “Yeah,” Buck glances at the three of them flushing a little. “I really think I am.” “Wait, you’re a Texas boy?” Chim grimaces like he can’t connect the dots to Buck. Buck laughs at his befuddled expression. “Not exactly. I was born and raised in Hershey, Pennsylvania. I ended up in Texas after some traveling.” “Traveling? How did you travel with a whole ass, kid? Aren’t you only like 25?” Buck laughed while watching them struggle with the math of it all. “It's a long story.” One that he was not ready to tell, one that he would not be ready to tell until Eddie was back stateside. Until he was safe in Buck’s arms. “Well, if you want to bring him back here, you’re more than welcome to,” Bobby offered, squeezing Buck’s shoulder comfortingly. “Thank you, Bobby, and I promise this won’t be a regular occurrence.” Buck started to babble. “It's alright, Buck, now go get your son.” Bobby soothed.

I feel like a lot of people have already posted today but if anyone wants to do this who has, tag me so I can see your fic!!!!

#911 #911 abc #buddie #buddie fanfic #buddie wip #911 fic #evan buckley #army!eddie #aubs rambles #fuck it friday

[chloeseyeliner]

(there's ranting. you've been warned.)

um... happy monday to the young royals fandom/edvin's fans in general.

(via edvin's instagram stories)

he is... he is twenty years old. good grief.

(i won't comment on anything regarding his physical appearance on this post, even if everything i'd say would be very, very positive, due to the fact that, although he's never going to come across this, it would still go against his wishes.)

can we just please, please leave people alone? this behaviour... it's not healthy, for anyone involved.

generally speaking, we live in a society where beauty standards are, unfortunately, an inextricable part of some people's lives. these same people believe they can force their own standards, "inspired" by a million different factors surrounding all of us every day (family, school, friends, the environment we grow up in etc etc), to other people, the "trend" (if i can call it such) especially targeting complete strangers, mainly on the internet.

and yes, that includes celebrities, too. famous people, if you prefer this term better. artists. whatever they want to be and are- most of us have been there to not know a day where these people's rights on their personal lives and choices and clothes and pets or whatever a paparazzi or a fan is going to decide does not fit their standards of the day have not been infringed on.

because, believe it or not (and i am NOT refering to the wonderful, respecting, brilliant, supporting majority of fans, at least in this specific fandom), your favourite actor is not your friend. even if the comments on their appearance, for example, like in edvin's case, are written in a playful, sarcastic tone, this cannot be understood through text on a screen- another problem of our society's current state; harmful words you write on a screen, whatever the intention is, do not just stay there, floating around. you aren't trying to communicate with your notes app. a person is reading them, even though you may think they will never reach them, because, for instance, of their huge audience. and it can (excuse me for my language) fuck them up the same way it would fuck someone (e.g. at school or at work) up to say the same harsh words- again, even if you don't correctly estimate the power they can hold- to their face.

so, again, as i have written and reblogged posts in the past regarding similar issues in this specific fandom,, which i love so so dearly, my intention is not to play the part of the "angelic fan" or whichever label might fit the text.

my intention is to maybe, just maybe, reach someone out there who will change their way of thinking; who will have second thoughts when writing a comment about a mustache (for god's sake); who will gain a little grain of empathy towards a fellow global citizen of theirs; who will try to cease some of the "madness"... before a person whose only intention was to make their dreams come true by entering the, in this case, film industry feels obliged to address the issue via a platform on the internet, as if not commenting on his looks etc is not the sensible thing to do... before this attitude turns to bullying for real. if it hasn't already.

that's all i had to say. i am apologising for the length of the post or any mistakes, since english is not my first language and i am quite mad and disappointed, maybe little hurt actually, especially as someone who has been struggling with their physical appearance and comments on it since i was literally a child.

i cannot imagine dealing with that plus being famous and having people judging you all the time. jesus. i really hope edvin has his support system near him and that he will be alright. <3

#seriously okay #at first i was like #maria don't address the issue people are going to say there are more serious stuff going on #but then i was like #yes i acknowledge the very serious stuff surrounding us at the moment and not only in a social media space with only generic posts and such #(like many people OF COURSE) #(and people don't have to know everything we can act on justice withour the internet knowing) #so yeah i did it #because it pissed me off very much #this is not healthy at all tbh #i am not being judgy i thought taylor swift and selena gomez would be my besties when i was like eleven #but parasocial relationships are not good #neither is (technically speaking here) online bullying #some comments appeared on my instagram feed when i liked edvin's post the other day #but i did not want to comment on it if edvin did not say something bc it felt very personal so yeah #this happened #young royals #edvin ryding #cw discussion/(better) mention of physical appearance issues #anyway #i still canot believe that respecting one's boundaries is not taken for granted nowadays

[uk4yy]

ok so in lieu of drawing my ass has just been designing what i think matt and al’s childhood bedroom would look like lol so some key points below

top left is Matt’s side and top right is Al’s side. the family decided against bunk/loft beds because they kept fighting on who would get the cooler part of the bed and specifically chose beds with no undersides to decrease the amount of hiding space monsters could have in their room

the thing the two could agree on was a space theme

between their beds is the bedtime story chair. (arthur and francis figured it would be easier to read to them both if they had adjacent beds as well)

that bay window is the designated daytime story chair. they had a lot of anxiety giving them this room due to some guttural fear of having the kids near large windows so they child proofed the fuck out of the part that can open and have since then been more at ease. (it was either this room or the room with the balcony)

art/building/creating/freedom to express is heavily emphasised in this household. all toys and things have a variety of different textures and noises and there’s tons of art supplies everywhere

they’re spoiled obvs like theyre HUGE lego kids. there’s a house rule that legos are only allowed in certain parts of the house, and only on certain parts of the floor due to chronic lego stepping but obvs they do a bad job of that

larger toys are often shared but when it comes to smaller things the two often have their own versions of the things they want so there’s not a lot of infighting unless someone decides to be greedy in which case they get a time out

two of the four walls are made up entirely of chalkboard coating so they can draw on the walls. francis on occasion will do his own little mural before the kids cover it up or add something to it

that big ass star in the corner is a nightlight that lets you manually adjust the brightness and colours

#my face fam au takes place in nyc btw #francis is loaded so he bought a three story brick walk up that they renovated #p #dover #mine #hetalia #face family #face family au #na brothers #na bros #hetalia au #ive got arthur and francis’ room already set up im just finishing up some final touches lol

[the-music-maniac]

I was thinking about Bingliushen today, y'know, as you do, because of this awesome (and true) post here and was abruptly reminded of the complaints I've heard about Bingliushen on this basis, mostly that they can't see it happening between Binghe and Qingge and that it's unrealistic.

First of all, valid! People absolutely don't need to ship it, or think it's plausible tbh, fandom is fun because there are differing opinions.

But I still did want to talk about why I find the ship so compelling, since part of the reason I love it so much is BECAUSE it's so unlikely.

I want to preface this by saying first that I don't actually think LBH and LQG falling for each other is impossible, as some people do, since I think that's the biggest protest with this ship. People don't seem to have as much of an issue believing LiuShen. Anyways, I just think that LBH and LQG ending up as a thing is only merely difficult. That's kind of an important distinction.

And the reason is because I really don't think Luo Binghe is only capable of truly loving (in a general sense) one person as an adult (specified adult because we do see that he loved his mother as a kid. He's also fond of Ning Ying Ying as a child but we see that they're not as close when he comes back cause of the murdery demon thing). That does appear to be the case in the story because the man is VERY intense when it comes to Shen Qingqiu, but I think that's more of a result of all the trauma he experienced as a kid, and the abandonment issues. He fell for Shen Qingqiu as an impressionable child - through no fault of Shen Qingqiu obviously because he fully viewed Luo Binghe as a disciple and wasn't grooming him or anything (also they're cultivators so they're technically immortal? How does age differences work in that case?). Shen Qingqiu in that instance was the one person in his world as a teen, the first person outside immediate family to ever tell him he's not a monster for being a demon - and also someone who's considered more valuable than Binghe - a lauded, accomplished authority figure I suppose. Someone important who sees value in Binghe when he's been told he's worth nothing. The instances of being left behind by his mother (cause she died obvi) and then by one of the only other people who cared for him - pushing him off a cliff to die because he's a demon (or so he believes) has to fuck with your head. And if you love the person the amount Luo Binghe appears to, well I understand being intense once you finally get them back. To an unhealthy level tbh, but then again this man needs so much therapy in general 😅. Get you some healthy coping mechanisms and healing, good sir! Also it's just occuring me as I'm saying all of it that it sounds like I'm calling Luo Binghe out for having daddy issues (parental issues?) but like. I'm sorry but he kinda does.

So, I don't think anyone is only capable of loving a singular person, but, as I mentioned before, because this is their (LBH and SQQ's) love story, we only focus on them. LBH does have the capacity to rebuild a support system, to make friends, expand the amount of people who care about him and who he cares about. Basically my point is that I believe even though he doesn't have other close emotional relationships with people by the end of the book, that he potentially COULD. I also want to mention that the concept of polyamory for Binghe to me, in terms of only as sexual relationship in the beginning at least, is also not outside the realm of possibility, just cause of the existence of Bingge. We know he doesn't love anyone in that version of him, and it could be argued that matters change because he does love SQQ, but regardless, the fact is there that a version of Binghe does engage in polygamy. He is okay with multiple partners, that's not some huge hang-up or random morality issue for him. So the idea of LBH agreeing to a threesome with LQG and SQQ because he thinks SQQ would like it, isn't remotely impossible in my books.

It's hard to say if LQG is open to a relationship with multiple partners, we don't see much of his relationship preferences beyond the fact that he likes SQQ, but I can regardless see him being the type of person that grits his teeth and hangs around just to see SQQ and tries his best to get along with LBH cause it makes SQQ unhappy that they hate each other. I can see him noticing despite himself, LBH who, now that the situation is no longer so dire, challenges him and is on par, can defeat him over and over, merely because it's been so long since he's had a real challenge, has hit an immovable wall. Tbh LQG doesn't really give the time of day to people who haven't either helped him in some way (SQQ) or people who can match him in a fight. What is it like to find someone who actually gives him a run for his money? And what is it like seeing the downtime of LBH while he's there for SQQ's company, enough to realize that this man on top of being a demon that everyone in the sects laud as evil, partakes in those ordinary domestic things that every person does? What is it like to slowly be able to see that SQQ really isn't in any danger from LBH, and ending up on random errands with him in the name of peacekeeping, realizing they might actually work together well as a team? The hilarious thing is I'm pretty sure one of LQG's love languages is literally just. Violence. Fighting for SQQ's body back. Protecting those he cares about with force. Hunting for rare monsters to bring back. Shit like that. And y'know what? That's a language both LBH and LQG speak fluently. Very fluently. They can understand each other so easily. And I think that's something that LQG would be taken aback by in a good way.

Also if I'm going to be honest, as weird as it sounds, I'm pretty sure LBH is going to be the hold up in the getting along thing. Because at where canon ended: he had already won. He's with the person he loves. There isn't much incentive for him to be nice to LQG beyond not wanting SQQ to be disappointed. SQQ married him, chose him, regardless of what happens, SQQ is probably not going to leave LBH out of the two. Harsh, but solid logic. And his dislike of the other man is entirely connected to the fact that LQG likes SQQ and LBH has abandonment issues for days (for good reason tho I will say).

LQG on the other hand has acknowledged that LBH has won, and so he likely is also thinking along the same lines - I have more at stake here because if SQQ were forced to choose, no way would he choose me over the man he married. He really does have more incentive to get along with LBH. Not only that, a large part of his animosity also appeared to stem from worry about SQQ. Like he seemed to have fought LBH for SQQ's body back cause he thought LBH was doing some fucked up shit, being selfish etc. LQG doesn't seem the type to hold grudges. He dislikes LBH because it repeatedly and actively hurts to see him with SQQ - it's an anger and hatred that stems from softer emotions like the knowledge that he lost the man he loves, that he wasn't good enough (and here is where I cry btw). It's to protect himself from the emotional hurt. One that could potentially be alleviated by growing closer to both SQQ and LBH. Meanwhile at the beginning LBH is a kind of cold, smug dislike. So he really is the hold out. But again, the previous things I have said about how LBH doesn't only have the capacity to care about one person, coupled with his previous chill attitude towards sexual relations and polyamory and his rather obsessive need to please SQQ - I can very much see LBH agreeing to a threesome to make SQQ happy, and to taunt LQG, and then being slowly surprised at how much he doesn't actually?? Hate this??? SQQ doesn't love him any less or appear to have any thoughts of leaving him, and meanwhile he has this hot dude in his bed sounds like a win for everyone lmao

So anyways, that's kinda point one: I think it's very improbable, not impossible. It takes a very specific sequence of events. But it can happen.

Two:

I fully believe LQG and LBS are not soulmates or anything of the sort, since it does tend to be the general assumption within stories like this (xianxia and even wuxia), that there is the existence of soulmates, the red string of fate, a predetermination that these people will eventually care for each other, something more set in stone, or even of 缘分 (Yuán fen) where it's not fated in the sense that it's set in stone, but fated in that there is a high probability or an affinity for a relationship, or a meeting and event.

The point is that, certainty in a lot of stories, the concept of falling for each other no matter what, over and over, is a theme and viewed as romantic. And it absolutely is! I love stories where people end up together - in any capacity, doesn't have to be platonic - in every conceivable scenario. Hell, that's why I love reading AU's. And while it's not canonical that Binghe and Qingqiu are fated, while if anything their relationship is also a one in a million chance, people in the fandom still seem view BingQiu as soulmates. Or at least probable in the story. Valid. I mean it's hard to argue with the fact that they did indeed canonically fall in love against all odds - that is in character for them because this story is their love story.

But here's what drives me absolutely crazy in the best way about Liu Qingge and Luo Binghe's relationship: within the premises of canon (where LBH is damn possessive about SQQ and doesn't like LQG for that reason, and meanwhile LQG doesn't like LBH cause he thinks he's immoral and also cause he loves SQQ) they are the most unlikely, out of the left field, came out of absolutely nowhere to blindside you with the sheer depth of your emotions, type of love. They are the relationship that peak lords gossip about - "SQQ made sense, he was always fond of LBH, but LQG???? He was always the most vocal about his hatred. Well I never-" etc. Etc. They would be the relationship that shakes LQG and LBH's understanding of themselves and how the world around them functions to the core: because neither of them could've imagine in a million years that they had the capacity to view their greatest enemy with the tenderness of love. The sheer audacity of it, of suggesting these bitter romantic rivals could grow to love each other to match what they feel for SQQ - that's the good shit.

After all, while SQQ and LBH were also unlikely, they were only that because LBH was a fictional character up until Shen Yuan died. Even as a disciple LBH knew he liked SQQ, this man fully saw that one coming. And SQQ may be oblivious as fuck romantically, but even so he did acknowledge that he was already fond of LBH. They most certainly did go through hardships and obstacles to get where they are - but always with the acknowledgement that loving each other was never the hard part. It was always everything else.

So there's point two of why I like the unlikeliness of BingLiuShen - because loving each other is the difficult path for LBH and LQG. With the bitterness of everything that had passed, falling is not the part that is easy. And it shakes the laws of this universe. It makes LBH and LQG question everything. It makes them wonder what they know about the world, the rigid lines of black and white they've lived in, and their stubborn ideas that love can only ever be a finite source that will run out if you spread too widely. And not only that, it may help with LBH's abandonment issues - to have two people willingly choose him against all odds - one who actually started off hating him. And in the process, his level of attachment to SQQ might become a little healthier. Like I get that it is a story so no judgement here, but it can't be good for LBH to place his entire value of the world all in one singular person. That's hard on both SQQ and LBH. In making LBH question his worldview and viewpoints on love and relationships, it may be the thing that kickstarts him letting other people in in a platonic capacity as well. And as for LQG's worldview, it would be nice to show him that there can incandescent happiness in this life, not merely just contentment with his usual rigid routine. To give him a happy ending, truly. This is just a fancy way of saying he makes my heart hurt so I want to give him two boyfriends the end.

The enemies to friends to lovers trope also ties into this and is so compelling because it also requires so much character growth to occur for it to work. Like not only is their worldview shaken, but both LQG and LBH need to change as people (for the better) for them to even consider making a relationship with all three of them work out in the long run. People don't hate each other for no reason, there is almost always some Bad Thing™ that occurs to make them dislike each other, be it rivalry (love rivalry in this case) an outside force (their respective groups are enemies) or because they hate some aspect of the other person. It involves acting on their worst instincts - pushing someone away from jealousy, hurting each other because they let anger take over. For that to become love, requires WORK. It requires each character to actively notice their own biases, choose of their own volition to correct themselves, to change and possibly become better as they get to come to understand their "enemy". They have to choose to lay down their arms, every single step of the way. That is so difficult to do. So unlikely. So improbable. As I said before, it's the harder path. And yet they walk it, and if they succeed, I think that's something so precious because it was so quietly and fiercely fought for.

Anyways this is getting long as fuck so while I have some more to say about BingLiuShen as a whole, I think I'll end this here. Thank you so much for reading!

#bingliushen #liubingshen #liu qingge #luo binghe #shen qingqiu #meta #talking about ships #ot3 #svsss

[greaseonmymouth]

Sooo, regarding your tags on that last post, do you have recs for old gay books, by any chance?

yes and no - as a teenager I read what I could get my hands on in the library and it was all in Danish and some of those books I don't know if were translated or not, and by that I mean translated from another language into Danish, or vice versa. One of those books I'm pretty sure was actually translated from Swedish because I remember the author name sounding Swedish and the characters were Swedish and Danish... lots of formative old gay books that had been sitting on the shelves since the 70s, 80s, 90s, that I can't find again.

anyway, one of the books I read as a teenager that was very formative for me was an Irish novel, When Love Comes to Town by Tom Lennon. the main character is a teenager, gay and struggling to come to terms with it, gets a boyfriend (bisexual, he fucks off to Belfast and cheats on him with a girl, classy - there's a fair amount of biphobia in the book, which I remember because I remember thinking it was weird how so many of the characters were warning him off bi guys when it was just this one guy being an asshole) but he also has a girlfriend because he's trying to keep up appearances and it's all a huge mess. he makes other queer friends. some of those queer friends he makes are transvestites, and there was a HIV positive guy who passed away. this book was formative for me for many many reason but the stand out elements were the found family and queer community, how they stood together and supported each other in the face of a lot of hate and discrimination and rocky family relationships and friendships. they found joy together. also I might be misremembering but the main character was like, really good in English class and was friends with his teacher and I could relate, lmao.

I read these two a bit later, in my early twenties, but Faggots by Larry Kramer and Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Feinberg. I actually need to read Stone Butch Blues again because I remember very little about it, but Faggots made a huge impact on me, it was written in the late 70s or early 80s and takes place in new york and while much of it is satire, satire is built on truth, you know? and it showcases such a range of queer experiences and characters, exaggerated and over the top, but with a very real core of human emotion and struggles. it is also a criticism and I've since read that this book was very controversial within the queer community at the time

Dream Boy by Jim Grimsley also comes to mind, it's a 90s novel but fuck me if I can remember the plot

I also want to briefly mention the Astreiant series by Melissa Scott and Lisa A. Barnett - written in the 90s by queer couple Melissa and Lisa, this is a fantasy series where the world-building has queerness built in and while I love it just for what it is, I also think it's fascinating from a sociological point of view because you can infer a lot about their priorities but also what (American) society was like at the time. for instance this is a matriarchal society and it has queer relationships nobody bats an eye at, but yet there isn't marriage equality?

for recent books (er, say published in the last ten years ish? or let's just say in this century) written by people older than me, I want to recommend:

Less by Andrew Sean Greer - this is a love letter

Mr. Loverman by Bernardine Evaristo - this is a beautiful book and love story but it will also show you what it's like to be somebody who's been a closeted gay and black man since his early teen years in Antigua and move to the UK and now as an old man in London still in a relationship with the same man

Closet Case by Robert Rodi - this is one of those general fiction novels where the main character gets themselves into absurd situations and if it were heterosexual, it would've been a comedy, a romcom even, and adapted for screen. but it's gay. this author has written many more gay novels (and also! a very gay graphic novel about Loki for marvel, illustrated by Esad Ribic) but this is the only novel I've read by him

A Case of Exploding Mangoes by Mohammed Hanif I also read in my early twenties and it's one of those books I Think About A Lot because it's kind of an absurd book but the plot entirely falls apart without the gay relationship at the core. I didn't know it was gay when I picked this up (in a secondhand bookstore in Edinburgh, in 2011), I just read it and the plot unfolded and unfolded and then the revelation? I Think About It Often.

#queer books

[lulublack90]

About Me

Hi there, Lulu here.

I do have a real name but I prefer to go by Lulu on here and Ao3 so please use that.

I go by she/he/they. Call me what you want I don't mind. It changes day by day for me in the real world, but my friends and family don't know that.

I'm pansexual but again only a few people know that.

I'm in my 30's but have the maturity of a teenager unless I'm in parent mode when I have to pretend to be a grown-up (It does not last long!).

I am a huge huge huge Harry Potter fan (Fuck JK, she's a dick!) My house is full of so many HP-related items. In fact, I think every room has something in it, thank the gods my husband is also a massive nerd.

In case you can't tell I am Neurospicy. I am in the middle of getting diagnosed with ADHD and by that I mean I am procrastinating actually starting the process.

Now where was I?

Oh, yeah I like so much stuff I can't think what else to put here but yeah Harry Potter, mainly Marauders era but I love anything really.

My fav ships are Wolfstar (I've loved them since I was a young thing and didn't even know it was a thing." Jegulus (My new love.) Dramione (Lord have mercy) Drary (Lord I need more mercy) Pandalily (Meep!) Dorlene (Squeek!) I like Marylily as well but not as much, but I love them when I read them.

My asks are open and you can send me whatever you want, no hate please no one needs that in their life and Tumblr is my happy place don't spoil it.

Things that make me happy

You guys. Honesty it's Tumblr, I've only just really found this and all you amazing people who like my silly stories that I've only been writing regularly since December 23 when I found you all. My husband and son make me happy and so do my dogs and cats. I love watching storms and autumn. I read a lot, I crochet, I knit, I write. I am a huge fan of chocolate. If you give me chocolate I will be your friend.

Music

Bowie. Nuff said.

But yeah I like a lot of different stuff, it depends on my mood as to what I listen to. I drive my husband mad because I like songs by lots of people but I can't remember what they're called or who they're by.

Books

My all-time favourite book will always be Prisoner of Azkaban. It is my happy place.

My house is full and I mean full of books. I don't actually know how many I have but last time I estimated I had 300 in my bedroom alone. (There are piles of books in every room 😬)

Shows/movies

Harry Potter, The Martain, The Princess Bride, Labyrinth, Hunger games, Twilight (Don't judge me they got me through a dark time.), How to train your Dragon, Disney anything, plus others there are so many and I'm bored of listing.

Good Omens, Schitts Creek, Parks and Rec, Bake off, Handmaids tale, It's always sunny, community, Harbin hotel, archer, vampire diaries. Plus more but yeah typing.

Okay I think I'm done but who knows I might add more if I remeber.

Love you all

Lulu

xxx

#it's me Lulu #about me

[blubushie]

G’mornin Blu! Can you tell me about the cats you’ve hunted? Because in my head “invasive cats” means everything from “we don’t know how these tigers crossed this ocean” to the strange, huge, misshapen feral cats you find in the Middle East…

They're just your run-of-the-mill domestic cat.

WARNING: THIS WILL CONTAIN PICTURES OF CULLED CATS. THAT MEANS THEY'RE DEAD. VIEW AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION.

But they're eating the native wildlife. Australia has some of the most diverse ecosystems in the world. The majority of our native wildlife is endangered or at the least threatened in some way, be it because of climate change, bushfires, deforestation, commercialisation, human development, competition between species for little resources, or invasive species.

The US is going through something similar with their cats too, but it's not as bad as ours and US ecosystems usually aren't so self-contained that even something like 5 individual cats can throw everything into disarray. Australia has a very careful balance.

The issue is that domestic cats are descended from the African wildcat, Felis lybica, and are especially adapted to environments similar to those of much of the Australian bush.

And they're feralising.

This is a wild pig, Sus scrofa, the ancestors of the domestic pig.

This is a domestic pig.

This is a feral pig, after its ancestors have spent a couple hundred years doing what pigs do without human supervision.

See how they're reverting to the state of their more wild ancestors? They're reversing their own domestication to adapt to the environment. It's bloody terrifying. We call it feralising.

In Australia this has taken about 200 years. Our cats have been here just as long, but something's kickstarted them into feralising, and they're doing it fast. Just in the past five years there's been a sudden uptick, and I've been noticing that every cat I shoot seems to be getting bigger.

You're getting stories of cats out there that are 20kg/45lbs. The largest I've killed was almost 14kg, or around 30lbs. They're out-evolving their wild ancestors--the max weight of an African wildcat is 4.5kg or about 10lbs. These cats are losing their domesticated traits and adapting to the bush, and it's happening so fast that the ecosystem is suffering whiplash. A cockatoo can maybe bat off a cat that weighs 5kg at most, but double that? It'd have to rely on speed, and cats are ambush predators, and cockatoos aren't that elegant when they're flying.

You're putting a paddock basher against a fucking Bugatti.

My job is slashing the tyres.

They're 3.8mil domestic cats here. There's 6.3mil FERAL cats. The number of feral cats nearly double the number of domestics. The African wildcat has a lifespan of up to 15 years in the wild because they're adapted to excel in their environment, and the cats are excelling in Australia. TNR is an option in the US and UK since their wildlife typically isn't directly at risk, it's just a matter of cats being overpopulated.

That's not the case for Australia.

It's not just an issue of the cats reproducing, but also just the cats being alive. So long as the cats are alive, they're killing native species whether it's for food or for fun (because cats do that too, it's estimated they only eat THIRTY PERCENT of the animals they kill) and the environment doesn't have the 15 years to wait for the now-sterile cats to cark it.

It's dirty work and I don't like it. My family has cats. I like cats.

But I like dogs, and kangaroos, and deer, and I kill those too because I'm paid to do it and it has to be done. Someone has to end up with that blood on their hands, and it may as well be me.

#blu whos #blu slew

[sitp-recs]

Heyyy! Just want to start by saying your blog is brilliant and one of my all time go to resources in the fandom :) you’re a damn treasure trove 😊

If you have the time, I was wondering if you could rec any dialogue heavy drarry fics? I’m finding recently that it’s difficult for me to read huge story chapters with no dialogue - my funny brain tends to drift :) they don’t have to be completely dialogue, but dialogue driven would be great!

I know this is a bit of a weird one so feel free to ignore. Have a great day! Thank you ❤️

Oh wow, thank you for the kind words! I really appreciate it. As for fics with good/lots of dialogue, I think you might enjoy these:

Sex, Lies, and Veritaserum by lettered (E, 18k)

This entire fic is one long conversation about sex.

White as Snow by @bixgirl1 (E, 19k)

After a quick escape from danger, Harry and Draco find themselves trapped in a blizzard, a small cabin their only refuge from the storm. It's the perfect place to recover and regroup — and to have a long-overdue conversation or two.

(Un)wanted by @aibidil (E, 36k)

Ginny's pregnant, then she's not and Harry's single. Harry, again with no family, doesn't know what to do with this turn of events, or how to find a new life—post-war, post-Ginny, post-abortion—in which he belongs. He doesn't expect that life to include dancing to the Backstreet Boys with Hermione and Draco Malfoy. A story of finding belonging in the unexpected.

Embers by @shiftylinguini (E, 41k)

Werewolf Alphas aren't meant to be alone, or to suppress their ruts indefinitely like Draco has been since he was bitten eight years ago. He needs company, companionship, to knot ― he needs an Omega Heat Companion. At least, that’s what the Healers say, and even Draco can admit contacting the person they’ve referred him to might be nice. Of course it turns out to be bloody Potter.

The Pure and Simple Truth by lettered (G, 65k)

Harry, Draco, and Hermione go to a pub. Harry, Draco, and Pansy go to a pub. Harry, Draco, Pansy, and Hermione go to a pub. Harry, Draco, Hermione and Ron go to a pub. Harry, Draco, Hermione, Ron, and Pansy―you guessed it―go to a pub. I could go on. In fact, I did. Harry, Draco, Hermione, Pansy, Ron, Blaise, Luna, Goyle, Neville, and Theodore Nott go to a pub. In various combinations.

Little Compton Street (One Rainy Night in Soho) by @writcraft (E, 65k)

Draco is lonely, Harry hates the press and it won’t stop raining in London. Harry discovers a magical street that’s close to disappearing forever and Draco realises he’s one rainy night in Soho away from finding everything he’s been searching for.

Tea and No Sympathy by who_la_hoop (E, 70k)

It's Potter's fault, of course, that Draco finds himself trapped in the same twenty-four-hour period, repeating itself over and over again. It's been nearly a year since the unpleasant business at Hogwarts, and Draco's getting on with his life quite nicely, thank you, until Harry sodding Potter steps in and ruins it all, just like always.

Cauldron Full of Hot, Strong Love by aibidil (E, 80k)

In which a group of wizards' rights activists goes on the offensive after a prohibition against love potions, forcing the magical world to confront the horror of magic's role in sexual assault and the murky legal nature of consent. Ron, Hermione, Harry, and Draco are swept together to solve the case, and in the process they're made to confront their own love and lust—with and without potions.

Written on the Heart by who_la_hoop (E, 113k)

Harry doesn’t mind that so many Slytherins from his year have returned to finish their NEWTs, really he doesn’t. It’s just – do they have to be so friendly? He’s not prejudiced, really he’s not. It’s just – they’ve got to be up to something, right? Unnerved by the attention he’s attracting from everyone – the Slytherins are the least of it, to be fair – and struggling with a raft of changes to Hogwarts itself, Harry wishes he could be happy that one constant remains: Draco Malfoy really fucking hates him.

When Times are Dire by aibidil (E, 130k)

Magical Britain is screwed, and it's once again up to Harry to save it. This time, by marrying Draco Malfoy.

This Ain't the Garden of Eden by @romaine2424 (E, 131k)

In 2020, Hit Wizard Harry is starting to enjoy his life. He’s divorced, and no longer Head Auror. His biggest project these days is trying to remodel 12 Grimmauld Place for him and the kids. Draco Malfoy is recovering from his wife’s death. But is happy with his Ministry position as Temporary Head of the Department of Intoxicating Substances, and with his son who he adores.

What We Pretend We Can't See by gyzym (M, 131k)

Seven years out from the war, Harry learns the hard truth of old history: it’s never quite as far behind you as you thought.

Away Childish Things by lettered (T, 153k)

Harry gets de-aged. Malfoy has to help him.

#asks #anon #drarry reclist #dialogue heavy fics