#But Im still here

[ask-heartslabyul]

Guess who's back with the milk

[jacks347]

Since I indulged myself with my GB mafia au yesterday, I figured I'd do a little more self-care and ramble about my Redacted mafia au too.

Buckle up, this is gonna be a long one. (Not that my others aren't, it's kinda my thing)

The security gig is a cover up for an arms dealing business, the most lucrative in Dahlia and a staple to the rest of the families. But they're not afraid to take matters into their own hands if they have to.

The main eight are the team leads with David at the top. Everyone works in pairs, no one goes alone. Not after what happened to Gabe on his own solo mission.

There are two main forces sent when they have to go on missions. Known as the Ground Squad, though they call themselves the Smoke and Mirrors.

Milo and Sweetheart run recon and general intelligence, Milo as the field agent and Sweetheart as the one in the chair though they're known to join him in action when absolutely necessary. Deadly accurate with a sniper, they're very good at their job.

When they're done, the main act comes in. Darlin and Angel work to take threats down. Angel is the decoy, keeping everyone's attention while Darlin is their muscle who actually takes care of business. While Angel is working the floor, Darlin is backstage cracking heads together.

I said there's two main forces sent out on missions. Well, there's also one support team that waits in the wings for something to go wrong. If someone slips up or someone gets wise, then they make their appearance.

Asher and Babe do demolitions, threading through basements and storage rooms with backpacks full of explosives so that things can get solved the loud way. But running just won't do. Too slow, when they get called in then things need to move quickly. So Babe has a pair of pristine white roller skates and Asher has a beat up yet heavily decorated skateboard. They're there to place charges and get the fuck out of dodge before sitting back to watch the fireworks.

Then there's the two back home, the ones who leave the theatrics to the players on the field. Those two would be David and Sam. David stays back to watch everything from a distance, calling the shots and making sure everything goes smoothly. Sam hangs back so that if things go badly, the group doesn't lose their best doctor. Also the families at large don't know that the House and the Pack have their loose alliance, Sam showing his face with the known faces of the Pack would have informants running for their earpieces.

David, Ash, Milo, and Darlin all grew up in the mafia. When David took over and made Ash his second it was a common belief that they would stick together, that there wouldn't be anyone new.

Then Milo brought in Sweetheart. An ex-detective that had been on the case trying to unearth the arms trading ring in the city and made the mistake of falling in love. They left the force and joined their lover on the other side, now hiding from the law and their former colleagues.

The Pack wasn't too happy about Milo bringing in an officer, unsure if their intentions were genuine and to this day some are still suspicious. But as they were all reeling, David introduced Angel. Angel was a small-time athlete that often was participating at events the Pack was working. When David caught their eye, they started to pester him between matches no matter how much he tried to ignore them. He tried to push them away, tried to protect them, but after an event they were at that he was working was attacked by a rival family, David knew he had to take them in. At least then he would know they were safe.

Babe was third. A pizza delivery person who strolled around the city on roller skates to deliver all their orders. They delivered to the security company pretty often and Asher was usually the one to recieve it. He thought they were cute the first time he met them and Asher all but insisted on being the one to get the pizza when it arrived ever since. It didn't take long for the two to have the other wrapped around their finger and thus Babe made seven.

Lastly came Sam. It was an accident, really. Darlin had been going rogue to find Quinn (very much against David's orders, we know how he feels about going solo) when they bumped into Sam. Funnily enough, he was out looking for Quinn too. They tried to keep things on the down low, last thing they needed was for their rivaling families to find out they were seeing each other. But of course, Darlin is about as subtle as a neon sign and David figured it out. So he set up a meeting between the three of them and William to come to a compromise. William agreed to give Sam to the Pack on the promise that the Pack would help the House when requested and Sam would have to return when called. David agreed and their quiet alliance was forged.

I think that's everything I've got?? I've had a long day my brain is shutting down. But yeah, maybe I'll actually do something with this now that it's all written out. Who knows.

#asmr roleplay #redacted audio #redacted asmr #redactedverse #redacted shaw pack #redacted solaire clan #redacted david #redacted angel #redacted asher #redacted babe #redacted milo #redacted sweetheart #redacted sam #redacted darlin #brain is mush #but im still here #just very tired #this was fun #does this count as self care? #im counting it as self care #okay bye

[unbeleevable]

Back and better than ever (sorta) (tags)

@undercovergamer @olliethestangenerd @ash-does-theatre @aceofsharks @g1ggleebug @hyper-raccoon23 @losttheclown @delicatetreemagazine @malacheezyy @mublerr @mochamuff1n @weirdgoblinthing

Sorry to whoever I didn't include in the @'s , I didn't remember your user at the time.

#wow alot of changes have been occuring in my life that i thought would never happen. #my life has became challenging but as well as interesting #ive grown. #bettered myself. #been brutally betraid #but im still here #and i plan on staying for much longer #im back.

[dailyoceanoconnellrosenberg]

Guess who's back...

Today's Ocean is Claire Carley from Legacy Theatre (Illinois)'s Ride The Cyclone!

#im ba-aaa-ack #not consistently or permanently #but im still here #ride the cyclone #rtc #rtc musical #ocean o'connell rosenberg #ocean oconnell rosenberg #ocean ride the cyclone #ocean rtc #rtc ocean #ride the cyclone ocean #claire carley #legacy theatre #legacy theater

[spiritunwilling]

character sleeping at the foot of a loved one's bed >>>>>

#granted you can also have them sleep in a chair right next to the bed but the staging isnt quite as dramatic #its about the denial of intimacy!! the wanting to be close but being too scared to crawl under the covers!!!! the themes of protection and #safeguarding!!! subtle shifts in the relationship dynamic!! #or the i was sitting here to make sure no one comes in to hurt you / I'll be right where you need me if you need me but oops i nodded off #but im still here

[annastheticc]

#my art #trigun #trigun maximum #vash the stampede #trigun wolfwood #vashwood #actually didn't post for a long time #but im still here

[midnightcowboy1969]

me :(

#he's baby coded with his blue blanket #and then he grows into a how you say non-wreck #but im still here

[kitcatsartblart]

going through some art tonight, trying to remember what it was like being creative. I realised i never shared my beefy boy, so here’s a reminder im still alive 👍

#dst #dont starve #don't starve #beefalo #just barely sometimes #but im still here #art #my art

[ariparri]

I choose neither. Please give me the option to not start any timed quest unless I really want to 😖 Just throw it in the Memory Book for me to go back to when I'm ready.

Give me the option to go like 'We got a new adventure for you! Would you like to start now, or visit the Memory Book to play it later?'

#honestly the app is actually annoying to get into right now #i havent been into hphm since May last year and theres no strong desire to get back into it #but im still here #because im attached to my ocs and their ships

[itslenagain]

"the love of a good woman changes you."

I don't often think about my father at all, but right now I am thinking about something he said once.

He was drunk and intentionally trying to get on my mother's nerves by talking about the woman he dated before her; the woman who helped him get off of drugs and finish high school, but ultimately left him. He'd talk about how she was kind but also firm, beautiful in a unique way, wise beyond her years. He'd lament about how he was young and stupid and regretted fucking it up. And then, he'd say to nobody in particular, "you know, the love of a good woman changes you." My mother rolled her eyes and puffed away at another one of those menthol cigarettes she liked.

I thought this whole idea was incredibly misogynistic. Why put that kind of pressure on a woman? Why is it her responsibility to change you? What even is a "good woman?" I was 12 (and hadn't figured out my gender and sexuality yet) and I was imagining myself snarling at the man who'd look up at me over the rim of a bottle and demand I fix him.

When I got a little older, I dated men. I dated a mess of a man whose scars were eerily similar to mine, who called me a "good woman" but still would cheat then break up with me the night before my high school graduation. I dated a man who drank gluten-free beer and had PTSD-fueled nightmares about car wrecks and didn't think 18 and 23 was too wide of an age gap since we were both in college, who told me he was ready to settle down and have a family, but then quickly changed his mind when he realized what that meant. I dated (and married, then divorced) a man who at 26 had never even kissed someone before and believed God brought him my 19 year old, fresh-out-of-inpatient-psych self so that he could have a good Christian family that would make his "born again" pastor father proud.

I didn't snarl at any of them. I should have. Maybe even done worse. (Or maybe snarled at myself for having bad taste)

13 years after dad told me about Gladys and the love of a good woman, at 25 I figured out I'd never be a "good woman," because I'm not a woman. 2 years after that, at 27 I figured out I didn't love men. I felt free. I'd never have to be the "good woman" that fixes a man with my love, I'd never again have to waste myself on some boy who couldn't take responsibility of his own damn problems.

And then, well, I found myself in love with a woman.

Nothing could have adequately prepared me for what it feels like to love and be loved by a woman. The way she looks at me is utterly devastating. It's like she sees me as something so incredibly special that I start to believe that maybe she's right. The world melts away when I'm with her. In my universe, I want to make her my sun and let all the other pieces fall into place around her. She's intelligent, she's sincere, sometimes stubborn, always nerdy, and I can't get enough. I didn't know it was possible to feel this way about anyone.

And, curiously, I find myself thinking of my father's words in a different light.

You see, I am a mess. I have trauma and baggage and more bad habits than you could count. I like to cause myself suffering. I trade one bad coping mechanism for another in an endless cycle. I self-sabotage. I leave things that feel good behind and stay too long when it hurts. I didn't think I was worth fixing. I didn't think I deserved to be happy.

Being loved by her makes me think I could be wrong.

How can I hate what she holds so dear? How can I neglect the thing she treasures? When I sit here and think about it, my self-hatred unravels.

She makes me want to love myself.

It's foreign to me, a bizarre feeling that aches sometimes. I've hated myself for so long that I feel like I've forgotten how. Healing is a long, difficult journey that I used to shy away from. Sometimes I still want to turn back, but these days, the steps fall more easily.

I still don't believe in a "good woman." This is an impossible standard set by an alcoholic man who hit my mother in front of me, maybe even an idealized fantasy about something unobtainable. The connotations of it feel disgustingly sexist.

And honestly, I don't think it even needs to be a "woman." Being truly loved by anyone, that is a life-changing experience. Not because they change you, but because knowing what it is to be loved, that's the thing that changes you.

She can't fix me. Nobody can really fix you. Nobody should feel like they have to fix you. But she makes me feel like I'm worthy. She makes me feel like it's worth it to try to fix myself. Her love makes me feel significant. I hope one day I'll feel that way on my own, like I'm worth it even if the unthinkable happens and we find ourselves on different orbits. With time, I think I will.

She's not the hand guiding (or dragging) me through the myres of my trauma, she's not the builder repairing my crumbling house. It's more like... the forest I'm lost in isn't so dark anymore, she's a lamplight illuminating it so I can see the way, so I can choose the path I take. My healing is not her responsibility, it's mine, but she inspires me to want to do it.

Love changes you, but maybe it's not because another person does that for you.

It's something you choose for yourself, because you are loved.

#forever bragging about my girlfriend because she's incredible and I can't (won't) shut up about it #healing is so fucking weird yall #but im still here #im starting to feel like its worth it no matter what the future holds #and honestly thats kind of terrifying... in a good way #lesbian #lgbtqia+ #sapphic #writing #healing #self love #love #i love her #i love me so much #trauma #my story

[queerregulusablack]

Cait i miss u

Maybe you should be nicer to me then js

#owl post #placeholder sasha tag #im currently In The Sauce of server organisation i apologise #also still on my Anakin bullshit #but im still here #watching #waiting #judging

[reyl0ct]

Sometimes that overwhelming emptiness and despair gets to be too much. Nothing I say/do will matter, why do I even exist?

But then I'm simply told "Everyone gets sad sometimes, you have so many reasons to be happy.." and I think they're right, it could be worse and shouldn't complain.

I'll fix my mask and laugh and keep moving forward, maybe I'll even be genuinely happy for awhile. But that heavy weight it my chest comes back.

I start to stumble, before long it's too heavy to take another step and I'm left wondering; What's the point in it all?

#blueysona #oc #my art #Scribble #depression #but im still here #vent art

[youwontunderstand]

Have some thoughts.

I see so much of myself in Jake. So much that it makes me sad. To see his intelligence, his fun interests, the polite pity for him from others, the loneliness. The desperation and erratic behavior, wanting anyone, anyone at all just to notice him, see him hurting.

How he was old. Alone. No family. No one to really talk too. So he made stuff up in his head. If things had gone this way. Maybe if it had been like this. Things would be different.

I do the same myself, granted in a much more high fantasy way. I'm not very old, but i feel anceint. And i feel like, the way things are going now, i may just be old and alone like he is.

I feel like... there is this club. This group in the world of Truly Lonely people. That much is obvious now, with socail media. All lonely together. But I'm talking about the ones that lurk, the ones that never leave comments, are quiet, keep their heads down and don't draw attention. Why would we? No one looks at us anyway.

So few understand, and the ones that do, are hard to find. You can find me in my room, and I'm sure there are others like me, but we hide. We can't talk to each other. We are so far away, so far removed from the soceity everyone seems to be thriving in.

And those people forget not everyone gets a happy ending. Not everyone gets to find somone to be close too. No one wants to imagine such a thing. Sometimes people end up with nothing at all.

Pitied smiles. Quiet rooms. Reflecting on how it got to be this way. I'm not scared of being alone. I'm used to that.

No, for me, the real worry, the fear Jake gives me is;

In the end, will I ask myself the same question?

#im thinking of ending things #just some personal thoughts about the book/film #i have trouble articulating these things #im fine really #i should stress that #but these are things i think about #i did start to think about ending things when i was far too young #but im still here #the cat #don't look #am i awake?

[shaepschift]

last stretch before xmas : working for the next 7 hrs then gotta go help ma sort her gifts out : LIKE FOR DYNAMICS and I'll come flail @ u :heart emoji:

#【 » what am i gonna hyperfixate on this week? ⇢ ooc. « 】 #my boss is sculking around like an nes boss #i have to avoid #so like #replies will prolly be faster in the afternoon #BUT IM STILL HERE #tw: christmas mention

[bambisnc]

<♡.°•°>

#wait but temp hiatus till my school starts on apr 3 and i have a valid reason for my oarents to not get all up in my case avout me using #the laptop all day #so yk might not be able to write/answer asks #BUT IM STILL HERE #yin yaps ₊˚. 𖦹.♡︎🪼

[clueless1995]

who else up doing their best

#today has been so bad. this week has been so bad !!! #but im still here