thank god this moment's not the last
Bess makes sure they’re sitting down when they get their memories back, and she doesn’t know why. It isn’t as if she’s anticipating anything earth-shattering.
All she remembers of Ace is him walking away. A relationship that she happened into, one with a cute guy who seemed nice. For some reason, the early details are a bit foggy, in a way they aren’t with George or Nick or Bess.
She remembers it ending, though. She remembers never wanting to speak to him again, the endless frustration of being in the same friend group as your ex, knowing your other friends shouldn’t have to take sides.
And then there was Tristan, who was handsome, who liked her. And she couldn’t think of why she wouldn’t date him (until the sin eater thing, of course). But there was always this tiny piece of her, screaming inside her, words she could never hear and wouldn’t understand.
There’s something utterly ridiculous, even in the veritable pantheon of weird things that constantly made their way through Nancy’s life, about being told the things you remember so clearly never happened. About realizing the life you lived wasn’t your real life.
And now here they are, sitting in one of the Claw’s hard red booths, Ace glowering at her from across the way.
It didn’t seem to matter that his Jane Doe was never real. He hated her anyway.
Fortunately, it doesn’t seem exclusive to her. He glares at Bess too, sometimes mumbling snide comments that she can see hurt Bess, but her friend presses on.
“This isn’t you, sweetheart,” she murmurs. “We’ll get you back soon.”
He scoffs and turns his head away, clearly unconvinced. Nancy, though…Nancy may not remember much of Ace, but she remembers her friends, and she knows they wouldn’t lie to her. They wouldn’t manipulate her.
So she does what they ask. She lays her hands on the table and only shivers a bit when Bess stresses they have to clasp hands.
She hasn’t touched him since they broke up. Or at least, that’s what she remembers. Who knows what’s real and what isn’t anymore.
Ace is clearly unwilling, but he lays his hands open on the table, looking anywhere but at Nancy.
She casts a look at her friends, searches their faces. There are no lies in their expressions. Even so, for a moment she wonders why she’s doing this. If their memories were changed, wouldn’t there be a reason for that?
Always seek the truth.
Of course.
Her mother wouldn’t question it. She’d want Nancy to find the truth, to cling to it.
Even when it hurts.
She puts her hands in Ace’s.
It hurts. That’s the first thing she registers. Everything hurts, all over. And it’s pain that’s hard to source, be it physical or emotional. Nancy doesn’t know. It feels like there’s a knife twisting into her gut.
She lets out a sharp moan, the world going fuzzy as her eyes slip closed, but she feels it, she distinctively feels it when his fingers tighten around hers.
And that’s when it starts.
Suddenly, instead of her stomach being twisted into knots, she hears voices around her. Voices all at the same time, words being said and then twisting, morphing, mixing into something else. Angry, tense, shouting voices that soften into whispers, exhalations, soft words as the words twist into each other, manipulate, soften.
Nancy marshals all of her strength, tries to focus on only the words. She feels Ace’s thumbs rub against her hand, a warm, grounding presence that feels almost painfully familiar.
Why do you have to solve this softens into I’m doing this for us.
And that’s the first one she’s able to hear. They float past her after that, so close she can almost reach out and touch them. Two halves of the same whole, dark and light.
You want us to act like colleagues from now on and I’m not scared anymore.
You’re not just leaving and I couldn’t lose you.
You did it anyway and I’m not scared anymore.
I want you to let me move on and let that pain become love.
You broke my heart and I know you felt it too.
He does not want to hear from me and that’s real love.
You’re not just leaving and I have feelings for you.
The pain is different now. It’s more, it’s less. It’s a pain that consumes Nancy’s entire soul, and suddenly a thousand things rush back to her, and all of them are Ace. Ace, standing with her against the Aglaeca. Ace, the only one who noticed the Wraith chipping off part of her. Ace, bringing her water after her testimony.
All of them, and more, and in all of them, she’s so scared but she doesn’t have to be, there’s him there, waiting for her, supporting her, loving her, and it’s terrifying but there’s nothing to be afraid of, and she knows that now.
With a gasp, the memories end, and the pain, the physical part at least, disappears. The emotional pain lingers, just waiting to be fought through, ever since “on my lips is a curse.”
Nancy’s head is pounding, but there is something else, something pressing on the tip of her tongue, waiting to be given life to. She forces her eyes open, and he’s waiting for her, as he always is.
And that look that he gives her, that warm look that says the three words without ever saying them, it’s still there. Or it’s there again. And so, the words tumble out.
“I face the mystery of this journey with courage, because it is with you.”
And then he smiles. He tugs on her hand, and they leave the booth like a magnet is pulling them, their grasp never dropping.
“In this world that tries to silence me, the most dangerous words that I can speak are that I love you.”
The tears come now, and she barely feels them. “Ace,” she gasps.
And then he’s tugging her hand and pulling her in, and everything they face can be faced together, as it was always meant to be.
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Learning that fans hated Applejack and called her "boring" is crazyyy to me because I genuinely, unironically believe AJ's the most complex character in the main six.
Backstory-wise, she was born into a family of famers/blue collar workers who helped found the town she lives in. She grew up a habitual liar until she had the bad habit traumatized outta her. She lost both her parents and was orphaned at a young age, having to step up as her baby sister's mother figure. She's the only person in the main gang who's experienced this level of loss and grief (A Royal Problem reveals that AJ dreams about memories of being held by her parents as a baby). She moved to Manhattan to live with her wealthy family members, only to realize she'll never fit in or be accepted, even amongst her own family. The earlier seasons imply she and her family had money problems too (In The Ticket Master, AJ wants to go to the gala to earn money to buy new farm equipment and afford hip surgery for her grandma).
Personality-wise, she's a total people-pleaser/steamroller (with an occasional savior complex) who places her self worth on her independence and usefulness for other people, causing her to become a complete workaholic. In Applebuck Season, AJ stops taking care of herself because of her obsessive responsibilities for others and becomes completely dysfunctional. In Apple Family Reunion, AJ has a tearful breakdown because in she thinks she dishonored her family and tarnished her reputation as a potential leader –– an expectation and anxiety that's directly tied to her deceased parents, as shown in the episode's ending scene. In The Last Roundup, AJ abandons her family and friends out of shame because believes she failed them by not earning 1st place in a rodeo competition. She completely spirals emotionally when she isn't able to fulfill her duties toward others. Her need to be the best manifests in intense pride and competitiveness when others challenge her. And when her pride's broken, she cowers and physically hides herself.
Moreover, it's strongly implied that AJ has a deep-seated anger. The comics explore her ranting outbursts more. EQG also obviously has AJ yelling at and insulting Rarity in a jealous fit just to hurt her feelings (with a line that I could write a whole dissection on). And I'm certain I read in a post somewhere that in a Gameloft event, AJ's negative traits are listed as anger.
Subtextually, a lot of these flaws and anxieties can be (retroactively) linked to her parents' death, forcing her to grow up too quickly to become the adult/caregiver of the family (especially after her big brother becomes semiverbal). Notice how throughout the series, she's constantly acting as the "mom friend" of the group (despite everything, she manages to be the most emotionally mature of the bunch). Notice how AJ'll switch to a quieter, calmer tone when her friends are panicking and use soothing prompts and questions to talk them through their emotions/problems; something she'd definitely pick up while raising a child. Same with her stoicism and reluctance at crying or releasing emotions (something Pinkie explicitly points out). She also had a childhood relationship with Rara (which, if you were to give a queer reading, could easy be interpreted as her first 'aha' crush), who eventually left her life. (Interestingly enough, AJ also has an angry outburst with Rara for the same exact reasons as with EQG Rarity; jealous, upset that someone else is using and changing her). It's not hard to imagine an AJ with separation anxiety stemming from her mother and childhood friend/crush leaving. I'm also not above reading into AJ's relationship with her little sister (Y'all ever think about how AB never got to know her parents, even though she shares her father's colors and her mother's curly hair?).
AJ's stubbornness is a symptom of growing up too quickly as well. Who else to play with your baby sister when your brother goes nonverbal (not to discount Big Mac's role in raising AB)? Who else to wake up in the middle of the night to care for your crying baby sister when your grandma needs her rest? When you need to be 100% all the time for your family, you tend to become hard-stuck with a sense of moral superiority. You know what's best because you have to be your best because if you're aren't your best, then everything'll inevitably fall apart and it'll be your fault. And if you don't know what's best –– if you've been wrong the whole time –– that means you haven't been your best, which means you've failed the people who rely on you, which means you can't fulfill your role in the family/society, which makes you worthless . We've seen time and time again how this compulsive need to be right for the sake of others becomes self-destructive (Apple Family Reunion, Sound of Silence, all competitions against RD). We've seen in The Last Roundup how, when no longer at her best, AJ would rather remove herself from her community than confront them because she no longer feels of use to them.
But I guess it is kinda weird that AJ has "masculine" traits and isn't interested in men at all. It's totally justified that an aggressively straight, misogynistic male fandom would characterize her as a "boring background character." /s
At the time of writing this, it's 4:46AM.
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