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#I love him so much idk what to do with myself
homestylehughes · 3 days
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reading interruptions
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pairing(s): quinn hughes x fem!reader
summary: when yn gets interrupted by quinn and his dirty mouth, while reading on the boat.
warning(s): plot with porn, smut 18+, oral fem!receiving, dirty talk, cussing. quinn has a dirty mouth in this. fluff, cute reader and quinn.
wc: 2.8k
an: hiiiii!!! new quinn ficcccc. i will never leave my quinn era. ever. recently ive been in a summer mood, first with sundresses and now with boats idk whats going on LOL. i honestly dont know where this idea came from, and for some reason i think it's bad? idk maybe ive just been looking at it too long i couldnt tell you LOL. so let me know if you guys like it or not. anyways!! i'll stop yapping now. i hope you guys enjoyyyy, like and reblog if you do! as always much love <3
happy reading <3
The morning sun comes through the window, peeking through everglow slightly illuminating the room, casting a light glow over the walls and a sleeping quinn. Quinns body lays partially over mine, our legs intertwined together. his face nuzzled into my neck, soft snores leave his mouth as he sleeps soundly against me.
There weren't many days where I'd wake up before Quinn, his schedule keeping and waking him up at the early hours of the day. Ever since the hockey season ended in a heartbreaking loss in the playoffs, he'd been sleeping more, getting the much deserved rest he’s needed. Quinn wanted away from hockey, from Vancouver, so he decided heading to the lake house earlier than usual to get away from everyone would be the fix. 
Which leads us to the position we're in now, my hands moving slowly up and down his back as he still sleeps soundly against me. Quinn always looks the most peaceful when he’s sleeping, so at peace and calm.
I feel quinns body shift slightly besides me, feeling him roll away from me, my body already feeling cold without his warmth beside me. I sit up in the bed, watching Quinn stretch and yawn himself awake, rubbing his eyes like a little kid before he turns to me with a soft smile on his face.
“Good morning” he says, his voice thick with sleep. 
“Good morning handsome” I smile back “sleep well?” 
“Mhm” he mumbles out as he makes his way to me from across the bed, grabbing my thighs pulling me on top of him. 
“Hi” i giggle from above him 
“Hi baby” he grins at me, his hands finding my neck pulling me down into a sweet kiss. My hands lay flat against his chest as I melt into the kiss. After a few moments I pull away to catch my breath, and to get a better look at him. The glow of the sun now being at its brightest, covering most of the room. Highlighting Quinn's body, his golden brown locks and blue eyes shining brightly in the glow. 
“You look so pretty” I say, as I bring my hands to his cheeks, running my fingers over his jaw, over every scar. Tracing and taking in everything part of him, memorizing every line like I've never seen them before. Quinn blushes at my complement, nuzzling his face into my hand, a smile breaking through on his features as he does so.
“Thank you baby” he says, bringing his head back to lay against the pillow looking back at me. “What do you want to do today?” his hands running across my bare thighs, his touch spreading warmth throughout my body. 
“Could we go on the boat?” i ask
“Is that what you want to do?” he asks me again.
“Mhm, yes. I even brought a new book to read to you, just for this, " I say with a smile.
 Quinn loves when i read to him, the peaceful feeling of being on the boat, the waves flowing beneath would be the perfect setting. 
“Alright you've convinced me, maybe we could even have lunch on the boat too? If you're up for that?” 
“That's fine with me, just want to be around you” I say before dropping my head into his neck, breathing in his scent, his arms circling around my waist pulling my body flush against his. 
“Okay baby” he says into my hair
 “Okay come on, let's get up. '' I said, lifting myself from him, patting his chest before swinging my legs off of him getting out of bed.
“I'm cominggggg” Quinn says from the bed, as I make my way to the bathroom, turning back around to see him lying face down in the middle of the bed, his arms and legs fanning out across the bed. 
Giggles rip through my body as I look at his childlike state, shaking my head as I take another glance at him before turning around heading to the bathroom to start getting ready for my day.
Taking a quick shower, throwing on a random swimsuit, before heading down stairs to start making lunch for myself and Quinn to take on the boat. 
Deciding on sandwiches and chips, with some fruit would be the best option for lunch. Just as I'm packing everything up I see Quinn coming down the stairs, in a pair of black swim trunks and a Canucks shirt. 
'What did you pack for lunch?’ he asks, pressing a kiss to the side of my head, walking behind me to the fridge to grab bottles of water before turning back the counter, putting the bottles of water in the cooler.
“Sandwiches, chips and fruit, is that okay with you?” I say as I place the food into the cooler along with the water, closing the top before looking up at quinn. 
“Yeah that's fine with me baby, perfect” he says leaning in for a quick kiss
“Do you have everything you need?” he says while grabbing the cooler from the counter walking towards the back door
“Yes I think so, let me go grab my bag from the couch then I'm ready” I say smiling at him, making my way to the living room grabbing my bag that has my book, sunglasses and other things in it, pulling it over my shoulder before following Quinn out the back door.
Following him down the dock towards the boat, reaching the boat, Quinn got on first placing the cooler down before turning around offering me his hand, helping me step on the boat. 
Walking over, placing my things on one of the seats, turning around, taking a look at the lake, the site never fails to take my breath away. I feel Quinn's arms circle my waist, pulling my body against his. 
“Where do you wanna go today?” he asks me, his chin resting on my shoulder as he looks out at the lake. 
“Doesn't matter me” i say turning around wrapping my arms around his neck, “take us where the wind takes you” 
“That was so corny” he laughs 
“Yeah it sounded better in my head..” i say laughing along with him
“It was still cute” he says, giving a kiss to my forehead, turning around making his way to the dock, untying the boat from the dock. 
“Okay ma'am we’re about to take off, all passengers please remain in your seats” he says with a smile spreading along his features. 
“Yes caption” I say, saluting him, taking a seat on the boat.
Making his way to the cockpit sitting down, turning on the boat before taking off along the water, the wind blowing in my hair as we ride across the lake
The boat rocks gently to the calm waves that run through the lake, Quinn docking the boat, now at a standstill in the middle of the lake. The bright summer sun beating on our skin, the warmth casting over my body as I grab my book, before settling back in my seat. Moving a pillow to rest under my neck and part of my upper back, laying down to rest myself against it, pulling my knees up, so i can rest my book on my thighs opening it book, i begin reading,
The romance novel pulls me into an alternate reality so deep that  I forget that I'm even on the boat with Quinn until his voice breaks through the silence. 
“I missed it out here” he says his eyes looking around the lake taking in it like it's his first time seeing it, “i forgot how peaceful it is out here” he continues.
“ It's so peaceful out here, it's nice to see you so relaxed” I say to Quinn, looking at him above the pages of my book.
“I thought you were supposed to read to me baby?” he asks
“Come over here” I say with a smile, opening my legs so he can rest in between them. his footsteps padding across the boat, as he lays himself between my legs, his warm skin laying against mine, his arms circling around my waist as he pulls himself closer to me. 
“Comfortable?” I say looking down at him, his head resting against my stomach, Quinn shaking his head up and down in response. 
“Good. okay, now where was I?” my eyes searched for where I left off on my page, finding my spot again, taking a deep breath before I began reading. My eyes glance down every few minutes to see if Quinn is asleep or not, occasionally feeling his fingers trace down my sides, as I continue to read to him. Just as I'm getting to an interesting part in my chapter, I feel Quinn's body move lower against mine, not thinking anything of his movement. I continue reading. 
Pausing to take a deep breath before reading the next line, I feel a warm kiss being placed right below my belly button, causing me to stop reading, lifting the book up, looking down at Quinn whose face is right in front of my covered core, his eyes locked with mine. 
“What are you doing?” I ask slightly confused at his actions
“Nothing, just wanted to lay down here, keep reading for me baby” 
“Okay” I say before licking my lips, picking up on the unread line. 
I don't even make it through half the page before I feel Quinn pressing more kisses across my lower stomach, kissing all along the top of my bottoms. His fingers sliding under the ties on the slides pulling down slightly, rubbing his fingers along the skin under. 
Clearing my throat before starting again, my brain struggling to register the words I'm reading, all of my focus on the man between my legs. My brain goes completely to mush, when I feel quinn pressed kisses against my covered core, my breath immediately hitching at the sudden touch. 
“Quinn, i'm trying to read '' my eyes locking with his, a small smirk dances along his face. 
“No ones stopping you from reading baby” he says, his fingers moving under the sides of my bottoms. 
His hands move to pull on one of the strings that hold the left side of my bottom together, pulling it apart with one tug, repeating the same action on the other side, his eyes still locked with mine. 
“Quinn '' my breath hitching, as he moved his thumbs under the now loosened fabric, peeling it back, exposing my bare cunt, the wind casting a slight breeze causing me to shutter when it hits my exposed center. 
“Quinn” I say again, my voice slightly higher than the previous attempt, trying to get his attention. 
“Yes?” 
“What are you doing? I thought you wanted me to read to you?” 
“I did, but now I want to hear that pretty mouth make some other noises,” he says, before grabbing the loosened bottoms from my body, throwing them somewhere on the boat. Grabbing the book out of my hands, closing it, throwing it in the same direction. 
“Quinn, are you serious, I was reading!” I am slightly annoyed but turned on at the sudden change of Quinn's intentions.
“Shhhhhh, lay back and let me have a taste” his eyes locked with mine as he began tracing random shapes on the insides of my thighs, his hand inching closer and closer to my exposed cunt. 
I couldn't help but comply with his words, his face inching closer and closer to my center, I felt his warm breath against my folds. His tongue darted out, licking a stripe down my center. My head falls back against the pillow, as he begins to lick at my folds. his hands pulling my thighs apart, gaining better access to my cunt. 
His tongue finds my clit as he begins to run his tongue along the bud, my jaw falling slack as my hands grab his hair, needing something to stabilize myself with. As he continues to lap up my clit, like a popsicle on a hot summer day. 
“Quinn, fuck” I moan out from above him, his movements never slowing running his tounge over every part of my cunt. The sound of him sucking up everybit of my wetness, is like music to my ears.
“Taste so good baby” he mutters against my cunt, before diving back in, his hands pulling my thighs further apart as he continues to devour my cunt. 
“Quinn don't stop please” my chest rising and falling quickly as I struggle to catch my breath. My body feels like it's on fire, not just from the heat of the sun on my skin but from the feeling of Quinn’s burning touch.
His tongue continues to thrust in and out of my weeping hole, my moans growing louder and louder as I feel myself getting closer to my peak. 
“Fuck look at you baby” pulling his face away from my cunt, bringing two of his fingers dragging them through my cunt, my wetness coating his fingers. 
“Look at that baby” he says now looking up at me, holding the two fingers in front of him, “do you wanna taste?” he asks me 
Nodding my head in a yes, Quinn brings his fingers to my mouth pushing my lips apart, shoving them into my mouth slowly. My tongue swirls around the digits, the taste of my cunt wrapping around each of my taste buds. 
My eyes are locked with Quinn’s as I continue to suck on his fingers, his eyes hooded with mine, blown with lust and he looks up at me. He slowly pulls the fingers out of my mouth, a string of saliva following them. Tracing his fingers down my stomach down to my core, before running them across my cunt, my body itching around nothing from the action. 
“Quinn” i whine
“What baby?” he says as continues to run his fingers along my cunt. 
“Do you want my fingers? Is that what you want?” 
“Yes fuck please” i whine again, my hands finding his hair again pulling it, hoping that, that will urge him along. 
“So needy baby” he says laughing against my cunt, placing a kiss to my slit before pushing two fingers into my cunt. 
My head dropping back instantly, my body feeling full, as he starts thrusting his fingers in and out. Broken moans are falling from my lips, my eyes closed as my body moves against his. Moving my hips to help meet his thrusts. 
“Right there right there” I moaned, my legs beginning to shake as I felt myself about to come. 
“Quinn” i whine out, as he attaches his mouth to my clit, rolling his tongue over it, as his fingers continue to fuck me. 
“Please dont stop fuck” lifting my head to look at quinn, the sight of him inbetween my legs, mouth wrapped around my clit, as i watch his fingers thrust in and out me, takes my breath away. 
Quinn's eyes looking up, locking them with mine, his movements never stilling. My hips continue to move against his, the burning feeling in the pit of my stomach continues to grow with every touch, thrust, everything setting my body a blaze. 
One last curl of his fingers sends me into a frenzy, my head dropping back against the pillow, my month agape but no words are coming out. My legs shaking as I come, my hands still in Quinn's hair pulling the locks so hard that it probably hurts. My vision clouds over as my orgasm takes over my body. 
I don't even realize Quinn's fingers have left my body, until I feel him pressing kisses along my neck. My eyes opened slowly, my chest still rising and falling, struggling to catch my breath and find my words. 
“Are you with me, pretty girl?” Quinn says, looking down at me, pushing hair that's fallen into my face back. 
“Yeah i think so” bringing my hands to his face, pulling him down into a kiss. 
“Did so good for me” he says once he pulls back, “always so good to me” he says peppering kisses all over my face. 
“I love you” i mumble to him
“I love you more” rubbing small circles on my sides, as he looks at me, a wide smile on his face. 
“Can you go grab my book?” I ask him with a small pout on my lips
“Oh im not done with you yet” quinn says with a smirk playing his face, before flipping us over, my hips now straddling his lap. 
“I think this is next to go” pulling at my top, undoing the strings in the back pulling it from my body tossing it somewhere in the boat, my top now completely bare to him. 
“Now where was i?” he says licking his lips, before crashing ours together. 
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kimingyuslover · 23 hours
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the call
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synopsis : you never thought that one call could leave you in a tearful night.
word count : 759
pairing : lee dokyeom x afab!reader
warnings : reader is mentioned wearing a dress, angst (sorry not sorry), tears.
a.n : i feel like i need more angst in my life & i want to create a oneshot that will have the readers bawling their eyes out. idk to you guys, but i cried a little while writing this.
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the white mini dress you wore is adoring to everyone's eyes. you decided that it was time for you to have a date again, after your last one, which is 3 weeks ago.
the night ends so quickly, the date went absolutely wonderful, you have to thank Mingyu– who arranged this date, with lots of food.
"yeah, the date went so excellent! i think we'd have another date next week" you say as you start to open your laptop to finish the proposal you've been writing for ages.
"should i expect a barbecue dinner next month? you probably ended with this guy" Mingyu said on the other side, making you let out a giggle.
"i don't know, but maybe—
you got cut off by the ringtone from your phone, someone calls you, "wait a sec Mingyu, i need to pick up another call" which Mingyu answered with, "yeah sure, call me again right after that"
you can't figure the name of the contacts on your phone, and you can't remember whose this number belongs to, but you answer it because you think it's maybe something important?
"hello?" you let out.
"y/n," the other person replied. you know who this is, and you're planning to hang up the call, but before you can do it, he speaks again.
"i'm sorry! please don't hang up, i need to let this out, my hearts feels heavy if i have to carry this every day." he said, you replied nothing, and he take that as a yes, he can speak to you.
"i want you to know that, i still love you. i messed up a big time while we're still in a relationship, i'm sorry that i don't take the blame even though it's my fault, i'm sorry i neglected you, neglected our relationship. i need you to know that my heart still belongs to you. i tried, i really tried to leave you alone because that's what a good ex should do, right? but when i heard you already go on dates, my heart started to aches so much that it really brought tears to my eyes. that night, i had a few drinks because of the pressure my company put me in, i shouldn't lashed it out on you that night. i'm not in my right state of mind. my mind wanders around when you leave me, i feel miserable, i feels like shit, an asshole, a prick, bastard, and other terms that i used to believe i'm not one of them. i promise your mom to always protect you, but in the end, i was the one who hurt you," you heard him letting out a silent sobs. you don't want to cut him. you feel your own tears start to huddle in your eyes.
"i never made any attempt to make time for you because i think, i need space where i'm alone, far from you, and of course, i was wrong. i never want you to be far from me, i want you to hold me close every time I had a shitty day like you used to before my work schedule demanding every time i have and i start to distancing myself from you. i regret every single second when i'm thinking about what i did to you, i never deserved you, and you deserve so much more than me," now, it's your time to let out your silent sobs.
"Everyday, every night when i see my apartment, all i see is you. every corner of this building held it memory of you, i missed you, i missed us before everything happens" notices your sobs, he pauses for awhile.
"you don't need to answer me, i just want to let you know that every inch of me loves you until now. you deserve a man who can make his time for you, who can control his emotion better than me," he stop for a second, "who can love you better than i do"
that's your breaking down point. you try to speak, "dokyeom, i'm sorry"
"it's not your fault. it's mine, it's never yours, i made us this way, so i have to accept it. " he chuckles dryly, and not long after that, he hangs up the call.
minutes later, you received a text from the same number
i'm not drunk or tipsy. everything that comes out of my mouth is proof that i, in fact, is still mourning for our relationship.
i hope you'll have a good life, away from me, goodbye, my love.
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nereidprinc3ss · 3 days
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i posted abt this last night and then deleted it cause i was like it’s dumb and now im posting it again with slightly different wording
sometimes i read something that makes me question like. what am i even doing. cause i worry a lot that all i do is post kitschy word porn. and like yes that IS what i do. but i also love these characters and this dumb show so much and i worry im doing them and myself a disservice when i know i could be doing more:( and there’s nothing WRONG with kitschy word porn it has its purposes and sometimes it’s just what you wanna read and sometimes it’s just what you wanna write! but i feel like i lose the characterization in the smut sauce and im not quite building the writing muscles i’d like to be building then. and then im like ok well i’ll just write something with more substance!! but then i get off track or its not quite right or grrr idk. like i really love come on home and we’ll never have sex and i’d like to write more things like that or even bandages because that felt more faithful to spencer as a character but i also looove expounding on what the show gave us for him so i don’t always Want to follow canon him to a t??? but i also REALLY don’t want him to be unrecognizable???
anyways rant over 🙏🙏 hope u guys r having a good weekend and to my american baddies happy long weekend wooooo i love u all thanks for putting up with me!!
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tootiecakes234 · 7 months
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First Kiss
Your first kiss with Katsuki was overwhelming…
The two of you have been friends since U.A. You’ve gotten so close over past couple years to the point where if your friends saw you they expected him not to be far behind and vice versa.
Best friends, that’s what you’ve settled with because you know Kat had 0 interest in you outside of that. You’ve seen the girls he’s hooked up with and you did not fit that type at all.
And don’t get it wrong, you loved being his best friend. He taught you stand up for yourself and you’d taught him how to speak to people with some level of respect. You guys were good together… yin and yang you liked to think
One night, you’re leaving a hangout you guys had at Mina’s place and Kat is walking you home. It was cool out that night and the moon was shining so bright you could still see the clouds in the sky. Apparently you had been gotten lost looking up at it.
“Oi, earth to y/n…. Get your ass moving. I’m exhausted and I’m ready to get home.”
When you come back to reality and look at him, he does look tired. It was almost 11:30pm and Kat had a strict bed time of 9:30…. 10 if he was feeling frisky.
“You do realize I don’t need you to walk me home. I’m a pro hero. I think I can take care of myself”
“Psh…. It’s not a criminal I’m worried about taking you out. It’s your clumsy ass coordination. You’re going to end up offing yourself if you don’t learn how to walk like an adult”
Ok so yea… maybe you had sprained your ankle last year while walking up some stairs. That’s wasn’t your fault tho… it was the stair ‘s fault.
“Are you ever gonna let that go?? Isn’t it getting a little old?”
“It still makes me laugh so nope…”
You rolled your eyes at him. He’s such a dick.
You were now walking up the same previously mentioned stairs to your apartment with Katsuki on your heels.
“ Are these the tights you were talking about the other day?? The ones that make your ass look “the best it’s ever looked””
“ Yea!!! Doesn’t it look amazing??!? I gave Mina the link while we were at her house because she mention how fantastic they looked on me”
“Sure I guess. I ain’t seen anything your ass doesn’t look good in but whatever you say”
You didn’t know what to say to that. He was just upfront like that. The man had little to no filter. Thank god you were at your door. You were unlocking it and about to go inside..
“Wait”
You turned around to look at him.
“What’s up”
“I uhm… well….”
“Come on, spit it out. I ain’t got all night”
He stared you directly in your eyes and said
“Fuck it”
Before you had time to react you were pressed up against the wall and his lips were on yours. Calling what happened a kiss seemed to be a real understatement. It was more like he was consuming you. More so than he already had. You got lost in him. Your hands were in his hair and his arms were around your waist pressing you against him.
When he pulled away you found yourself chasing his lips because you were afraid if it stopped, it might never start again.
“Next time, instead of bitching to raccoon eyes about how you don’t think you’re my type, just come straight to me dumbass. Since when do you keep secrets from me?”
You were really trying to pull your train of thought together but it was really hard when his lips still looked so inviting.
Kat realizes you’re not paying attention to him and flicks you in the forehead.
“Hey asshole. You know I hate when you do that”
“Then pull yourself together. I know I kiss like a god but that doesn’t mean you get to space out.”
He was smirking at you. Katsuki Bakugo had just kissed you and was now standing in front of you looking all suave and handsome. If you died here, you’d die a very happy person.
Your brain started playing catch and you realized something
“So you were eavesdropping on a private conversation?? And I wasn’t bitching… she was asking about you and me yet again and I was explaining to her that I didn’t think it’d ever happen”
You said the last part a little softer because you were embarrassed talking about all of this
“I wasn’t eavesdropping… it was shitty hair. Idk what you think my type is but apparently you got it all wrong”
He does not elaborate or tell you that you are his type. He just leaves it at that so you side step it
“I’m gonna kill Eiji…”
You guys sit there for a second until
“Anyways I’m tired . I’m going home to salvage the little bit of sleep I am going to get tonight. See ya later.”
And he turned to leave. Just like that.
“So that’s it… you kiss me, reveal my biggest secret and leave”
All you can do is sit there befuddled and confused.
“Yep. See ya tomorrow”
Katsuki actually leaves after that. He was not playing about his sleep. You do get a message about 10minutes later letting you know he’s home and also requesting the link to the tights you had on that night.
You ask him why he needs that and all he says is that you need them in more colors than just black… ha! You knew your ass looked good in these!
*you do not know until weeks later that in his head, that kiss was the start of y’all’s relationship. Asshole never does actually ask you but what else do you really expect from the angry Pomeranian?🤷🏾‍♀️
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bluepingpong · 1 year
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AHH I LOVE MR GUS
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horsemeatluvr23 · 12 days
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etho doodle!!!!! this one is late because i was having an identity crisis and thinking about moving to lebanon. anyways the necklace is bdubs missing tooth from secret life <3
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heldenherzchen · 8 months
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"why are you dressed like a police officer?" — "because i am one?"
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thebad-lydrawn-sanses · 4 months
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Creator: Mm, art block. What to do...?
Creator: What do you think, wackus bonkus?
"Wackus Bonkus" (Hand): make angst
Creator: ohh, you naughty wackus bonkus
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sepiamestus · 3 months
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It always rubs me the wrong way when people characterize atsushi as too much of a sweetheart. Like he IS a sweetheart but he's also snarky and sarcastic and most importantly he's very very angry. Do not forget this.
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questioning sexuality is so exhausting
#(edit: sorry for the rant in the tags and i just. i want someone to talk to me)#i keep on doing it for no apparent reason#someone was talking about lust yesterday and i realised today that.#even tho id thought i don't experience it. i possibly do. but exclusively towards women.#i hate it here!#for a multitude of reasons i will never have a relationship with a woman but! i may be incapable of having a relationship with a man!#at some point in the last few months i have abruptly pivoted from definitely wanting marriage and kids to being ambivalent on marriage#and not wanting kids. that's such an outlier in my life that it might just be a mental health thing tho idk#but at the same time i. want to be loved.#i don't know what i want anymore and im tired of questioning myself#i definitely overthink it but idk how to stop it#and i hate hate hate how the moral obsessions have bee lately#this isn't entirely related but it kind of is#like Am i a terrible morally bankrupt person for having certain thoughts or is it just religious ocd go brrrr?? am i overthinking it?#i don't know. i don't know!#for a while labelling myself as arospec ace kinda calmed that down but. i don't know#i do't want to be attracted to women. i don't want to have to look away so often. i don't want any of that.#but i don't know how to stop it.#i don't even know if i'm attracted to men at all.#this is a cry for help and encouragement and prayers no matter what your views on these matters are#queer stuff tag#i nearly fessed up to my friend yesterday about same sex attraction and i might've except that it would have probably outed me as#the person who anonymously sent in a question several months ago about the side b movement to a church thing#ive only told one person at church about any of that sort of stuff and it was very vaguely worded#also see: this friend is the mother of the boy i?? i don't even know how i feel about him#i increasingly think it wasn't romantic at all. but i don't know#i would love any encouragement you got. anything at all.#i don't know how much this stuff is affected by the fact that i consider myself unloveable and think it highly unlikely any boy will ever#care for me#now im rambling. sorry
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0zzysaurus · 1 month
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I miss my cat you guys
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alsojnpie · 3 months
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hey. um. i love him
#O_O i really love him#it's getting warmer every day and i can't draw him in a sweater for much longer#by the way. is this site going to. yknow. die#sigh........i kept telling myself I'd get better at it one day#kind of like the way i tell myself i can get together courage to speak up but i never do#using another website just sounds so depressing#im not good at social media. im tired of pretending like i can get good at it#but you can't even pretend like you can jump into a conversation if no one is having a conversation#i wanted to be part of a community here but i never could figure out what belonging looked like or how i could do it#and maybe it's my fundamental misunderstanding of that that prevents it but how can i understand it without experience#I'm so jealous of everyone who looks like they achieved what i couldn't even put my finger on. but since i didn't even understand it#i can't even be sure what exactly im jealous of#the other day i walked past a trio of friends and they had their arms around each other and were laughing as they walked#and i felt really strongly that even though I've always wanted a friend like that I'm actually fundamentally incompatible with that.#there's several reasons#but it made me feel really sad. but it made me feel a little better too. i guess it's really not my fault. maybe. i don't really know#in that moment it felt very much like something that was not my fault. and it was nice and sad at the same time#idk what's going to happen here. but one thing i know for sure is that i can have a happy tomorrow. no matter what#no matter what i have to give up on. i can find joy in other things. even in myself#and if there's one idea that he is about. it's that one
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lilaccatholic · 7 months
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how do i do it though. how do i let go of the bitterness and the hardness when they kept me "okay" for so long? does it come when i finally leave? can it ever?
#babes i actually relate to the frigid angry woman more than im comfortable with but this time there's no prince coming to save her and idk#i was never beautiful but i was and am angry and capable and that's served me well but being angry is exhausting#it's a birthright i can't give to a younger sibling. it doesn't transfer.#i dont inspire devotion. there's no version of this that ends with me waltzing with a true love.#im not the type you launch a thousand ships for.#so what's left?#who am i when i have no one? when ive spent my life making *me* less to make others more? when im nothing but a useful piece of furniture.#i know God loves me! i love Him! but it's not the same. i want *people* to love me. i want to be someone that theyd fight for.#im feeling that 'women have minds and hearts but im so lonely' scene from little women 2019 so much right now.#except im not jo. my family loves me but theyd never do for me what jo's would do for her. theyre also all focused on surviving.#i feel like a military ration. there to be consumed but cast aside the moment something more palatable comes around.#how do i become consumed with joy? how do i let go of the cynicism? its all thats kept me safe! but its choking me too.#its like tony stark in iron man 2. the thing thats kept me alive this far is killing me. i need to find an alternative but its looking like#ill have to synthesize a new element to make it happen and that freaks me out.#ive always been derivative. never an individual. how do i become a trailblazer when my job was always to hold the hand of the one blazing#the trail? how do i become myself happy and free?#because i WANT to be more#i WANT to be more than anger and coldness and a useful idiot. i WANT to be me and be so so happy#but i dont know how to get there#and if someone suggests therapy im shooting you. i dont want to listen to one more person pretend to care about me and tell me#all the things i need to change and spend even longer not learning how to think for myself#i want to be more than this. but i also cant stand the thought of taking up any more space than i do#anyway.#anyone who's read all this thank you and i promise im fine im just in my feelings today lol#im going to work out and get some happy brain chemicals flowing and then ill take a shower and itll all be good.#please dont worry about me! im just having A Moment TM#lilac rambles
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clockworkreapers · 1 year
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Never enough of him
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bangcakes · 2 months
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#god i was so giddy today (or well i guess yesterday. its almost 2am JDJFJFJF)#i was waitin all day for him to finish work so i could message him n he messaged me in seconds... triple texted NDNDJDJDNDNDMDMDN#god hes so cute. im so !@@@@@ i like him so much. like ..... !!!!!!!!!!!!#he makes me so happy idk how to explain. i just !!!!!!@@ like him so !!!!@@ much !!!!#why do i deprive myself of him 😭😭😭😭😭#but i mean we did talk for 2 hours straight in person a few weeks ago. not much you can like. converse about after that JDJDJDJDJDJDJ#:')))))))))#maybe i'll let myself be a lil hopeful.... 🥺🥺🥺#personal#also omg i think i figured out why he was so combative??? when i saw him last#i think it was bc of our mutual friend...........#n e way HDNDNDNDNDN#so maybe thats why he was like that. bc with me.... sure we tease each other but hes not like....... out for the kill idk JDJDJDNDNNDNDND#hes so sweet.... like not in an obvious way but like NDNNDMDDMD IDK.#we'll put it this way....#when ppl ask him for help... he tells them to google it#meanwhile hes explaining stuff to me in detail; going up to the teacher n asking questions for me; getting up out of his seat n#looking for a plug for me JFJDJDJDD LIKE ?????#hes also so polite... thanks ppl... holds the door for ppl. god hes so......#if he's like....... the guy im gonna be with for the rest of my life... o i'll be so happy BDJZNZNNZNZNZNZNZ#THIS IS SO SAPPY GOD.#if u saw the messages you'd be like literally what are you giddy over HFJDJDJJDJDJDJD AND THATS OKAY#hes just some guy.... love that about him the most.....
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pekoeboo · 1 month
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feeling Emotional tonight and i ended up crying ugly tears thinking about Khalan again. it's always the songs from my character playlist that get me good, man 😭
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