#I think we talk a lot about the spoon theory here on tumblr
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Recently I saw a post explaining cats vocalize around humans as a way to social signal. That Humans do a lot of social signaling as well. That's why people talk about the weather or will grumble about the long wait in line to the person near them. Or why people will ask 'Hey, how's it going?' and just want a 'good. Thanks for asking. And you?'. It's all about recognizing you're part of a group.
Then I saw, and reblogged a post, explaining that compared to most marketing stats, fanfiction is exceptionally above engagment averages at even 10% kudos per hits.
Yet, fanfic writers often feel as if they're screaming into a void and that engagement is down/dwindling/dying/etc.
So now I'm wondering if these two things are connected.
I think the problem fanfic writers are currently facing is a matter of community. In a way participating in fandom by writing fanfic is a way of social signalling. It is a way for the writer to go "I like this thing, don't you like this thing too?"
It's like the writer is calling out hello only for 90 out of 100 people to blankly stare at them. 10 out of 100 will wave hello. Only a few out of 100 will actually say something back.
Is it any wonder writers feel like they're screaming into a void? At least when you scream into a void you don't know how many people heard you, you just hear who screams back. It has to hurt mentally to put your heart out there and feel like it's being ignored.
I think about how forums of the early internet age have largely died off. How Tumblr engagement has ebbed over the years. How fanfiction has become some people's main means of engaging in fandom because it's 'free'.*
So I genuinely think the problem here is fanfic writers want community and are trying to gain that through fanfic. And they feel largely ignored/abandoned/snubbed because they're not recieving that engagement.
So my advice to writers:
turn off/hide/ignore your fanfic stats. If email alerts for kudos and/or comments spark joy then keep them. Otherwise turn those off as well.
create and/or join fandom focused discords. Find people you connect with and build a community that way.
put an author's note on your works that you like to engage with readers. That you want their thoughts, feelings opinions, etc. on your writing. Provide links for people to to chat you up on whatever social media site you prefer.
My advice to readers:
if you're going to talk to fandom friends about a fic you read, maybe leave a comment as simple as 'I love this and I'm going to share it with everyone I know.'
if you find a fic you regularly re-read or an author you loyally follow, let the author know that.
if a fic had a huge impact on you, let the writer know that.
Readers please note: I am not saying leave kudos more often, I am not saying comment on every fic. I am saying, in short, if it moves you then let the author know you were moved.
* yes I know fanworks are a labor of love/hobby and not actually free for the creator at least in time/effort. I write fanfic. I'm just saying it doesn't typically cost money to consume.
#pretzel rambles#writing#fanfiction#fanart#I do make an effort to leave comments on RB art for example#anything from 'oh the color scheeme so pretty' to 'a short fanfic drabble#i don't always succeed#and I think that's ok because ai am still RBing the art so other may see it#and maybe someone else will have the spoons to comment#I think we talk a lot about the spoon theory here on tumblr#so I think it's important to think reading fanfic cost 1 spoon but engaging with it cost 2 and most people don't have a 2nd spoon to spare#i think we need to kinder to ourselves about our expectations for how 'successful' a fanfic is#also kinder to readers and our expectations of them
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“Fixing” Tumblr.com
OK so, some of what tumblr staff announced sounds fine, some sounds bad, and some is to vague to really judge.
Obv fixing the back-end is good.
Increasing discover-ability of new creators is good in theory, but I would argue that tumblr is already better at this than most social media because it isn’t using an algorithm that favors things that are already popular. Yeah, if your feed is only creators you like then maybe what you see is a bit limited, but following tags will give you every piece of beautiful garbage under the sun. And if you are following tags and seeing every deranged shit post imaginable than someone you follow probably is and will reblog something that makes you go and check out someone new etc etc. I’m a nobody and mostly get no engagement but I know random posts can get many times more interaction than normal if they have the right tags at the right time and are good enough to draw people in. I’m not sure how people even start on youTube, tbh, I’m certain no one would look at any videos I posted. Some of the other things that they have been talking about feels counter-intuitive to that.
I don’t want data mining to spoon feed me content an algorithm thinks I’ll like on tumblr.com. If I wanted that shit I would be on facebook.
As far as making reblog threads be more conducive to conversation... doesn’t tumblr already have the ability to leave comments? I feel like if you want to have a conversation that is easy to follow that is how you do it. Reblogs serve a different purpose and I’m concerned about how they might change this. Altho if they could find a way to fix that thing where you stop being able to read anything on a reblog because the indent have it pushed waaaay too far to the right than that would be great, please.
A feel like a lot of the issues tumblr staff is describing about the site being hostile to new users could be fixed by some UI changes. I’m not sure why we need to rearrange how the whole site works to crunch it into a mold everyone else is used to from the meta industrial complex when the only reason any one is even here is because tumblr isn’t like other social media sites.
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Cliché
Star: Wong Kahei (Loona)
Idea: Yes
Love: Hi! I noticed a lack of Vivi on tumblr recently, or I’m just looking in the wrong place but could you write one about her and reader haven’t gone out on a date in a long time, so when they do reader would spoil Vivi so much and show her affection that she would get so shy? Thanks a lot!
You’ve been struggling for the past few weeks, your parents constantly on your back with work, friends wanting to get drunk, and on top of that you haven’t seen your girlfriend in weeks.
You couldn’t call Kahei because you were hesitant because you didn’t want to interrupt her schedules. While when she was the one that could call you were too busy attending a meeting or you were resting.
It made it increasingly irritating that your schedules were just shy of catching up with each other, which annoyed you that when an opportunity showed that you could talk to Kahei, it was time for you to leave or start something.
Now it was different, walking out of the elevator you padded down the hall, a smile on your face before you knocked on the door.
—
Kahei sat up when she heard the door, her heart hammering against her chest as she got closer, grasping the doorknob she took a deep breath before opening it.
Truthfully she has been waiting for today. Having planned it the previous week she couldn’t help but be giddy. After weeks of not seeing each other today she could finally see you.
Opening the door, a bright smile made it to her face when she saw a colorful bouquet. You peeked over and saw your girlfriend, smiling happily, you lowered the flowers and offered it to her.
Kahei took it happily before inviting you inside. Right as you sat down, you felt something crash into you suddenly falling on the couch, feeling someone on top of you as you immediately hugged back.
Kahei sighed, embracing your warmth as she tucked her head in your neck, finally after weeks she could finally hold you. Your scent fills her senses while your warmth and comfort spread to her. Your arms around her tightened, leaving a kiss on her head, saying the first words to start a great day.
“I missed you so much.”
—
You got out of the car, opening the door for Kahei before taking her hand in yours.
You planned on taking her out to the mall, since you knew you were both tired, a movie would be enough for both of you to relax and not get too tired from.
On your way to the cinema you and Kahei spent a good amount of time arguing on who would buy the food, while Kahei wanted to split it, you insisted that you could pay for all of it but she wasn’t too fond of the idea.
After a little more arguing, it resulted in you two agreeing that she would pay for the tickets and you would pay for the food.
Picking the seats both of you whispered quietly, talking about your theories on what would happen during the movie while also commenting about the trailers that would pop up on the large screen.
When the lights dimmed and the movie started you leaned back, relaxing since for once, you were doing something that wasn’t related to work.
Doing something that your parents didn’t ask you to do, that you were here because of the girl beside you, the thought made you smile. Your hand reaches for Kahei’s before intertwining your fingers, your thumb rubbing the back of her hand and lifting it near your lips and giving it a kiss.
Kahei raised her head, looking at you in question for the sudden gesture while you could only smile lovingly at her, she could only thank that the lights were dim because you would’ve seen the blush that seared her face while you wore that bright smile of yours.
During the movie you and Kahei would watch attentively but sometimes one of you would pause, seeking for each other’s hand or leaning against one another. It was a small gesture but it still made your heart do flips because of the sweetness.
After the movie both of you would walk out with smiles on your faces. Roaming around the mall as you spoke with each other about random topics you could think about. Sometimes stopping inside a store if you or Kahei saw anything that you could buy.
After a few hours you eventually got hungry and instead of reserving a restaurant you thought you could reminisce all the times you went out on dates at midnight, going into fast food restaurants where you could order and eat everything that you wanted to.
“This brings back a lot,” you said before picking up a fry, but instead of eating it yourself you moved it towards your girlfriend, who Suddenly grew shy, lowering her head as a pink hue spread on her face.
“You don’t have to give it to me, Y/n,”
You giggled at her but you didn’t pull away, until she took it eventually, though avoiding your eye contact after she ate it. You tried to look at her in the eyes but Kahei kept glancing away, still the red tint on her cheeks while you only smiled as you tried to catch her.
Then you noticed the red tint slowly disappearing, her face raising gradually, which sadly didn’t last when the desert arrived. When anyone is eating ice cream no one could really avoid making a mess, so when Kahei took a spoonful she left markings around her lips.
Due to your unconscious actions and caring nature you suddenly leaned forward, startling your girlfriend as she sat back, her face suddenly exploded with blush when you wiped the corner of her lips with a tissue, your other hand holding her chin.
Your face inches away from hers and while she was burning, you were too busy to notice, not until you sat back and placed the tissue down.
Glancing at your girlfriend who is frozen in place, her face beat red before you burst out in laughter, now clicking in your head as to what you did before you smiled at your girlfriend, wiping a rear that slipped past your eyes as you laughed, “You’re too cute,”
—
You laced your fingers with Kahei, walking down the park as you both giggled to yourselves. After you spent a few more hours in the mall, Kahei wanted to end the day peacefully so you drove to the park near their dorm.
Catching up on what’s been happening to each other, “...then Jinsoul bumped her head, it was too funny,” you laughed at the end stopping at the top of the bridge and leaned against the side, your girlfriend linking her arm with your as she rested her head on your shoulder.
You enjoyed her presence before you remembered something. Placing your hand in your pocket and feeling the box, you smiled to yourself before pulling it out, Kahei’s eyes widened. Her body stiffening when she saw but you were quick to speak before she could freak out.
“Don’t worry it’s not what it looks like, though I would be happy to spend the rest of my days with you, I know we’re not ready for that yet.”
You felt her relax a bit though there was a part in her that became giddy at the possible future. Releasing a sigh, you opened the box revealing two golden rings, “I know it might be cliché but, I wanted something to represent you by. A promise that should be kept at all times, a lover who I know would always be there for me as I am with them,”
Kahei felt her eyes water, eyeing the rings as you took it out and slipped it on her hand, wearing yours after as you wrapped your arms around her, kissing the top of her head.
Kahei was happy, a tear falling down her face as she closed her eyes. You pulled away and cupped her cheeks, wiping the tears before leaning in and placed a soft kiss on her lips.
“With the way things ended up today, I feel like we haven’t been apart for so long,” she said after a while, letting the silence of the night linger, both looking at the sky.
You hummed, closing your eyes, listening to her voice, “That even if we spend weeks apart, the love we have won’t ever disappear. Make it a few months or a year, I would always love you.”
“I love you too.”
#loona#loona scenarios#loona imagines#girl group#girl group imagines#girl group scenarios#vivi#loona vivi#loona kahei#kahei#wong kahei#vivi imagines#vivi scenarios#kahei imagines#kahei scenarios
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Joe & Nicky
This post has been a long time coming but I have been procrastinating like nobody’s business and I don’t even know why? One theory I have is that I want to hold onto this feeling for as long as I can and I’m scared that sharing it will change it, but I need to do this. I need to talk about this.
So, I don’t know when this happened but sometime ago my tumblr feed started sending up posts related to “The Old Guard” and I do realise that there was a shipping tag involved but I wasn’t paying it any attention. Anyhow, over time I decided I should probably check it out. So, I went on Netflix and watched the trailer which was pretty interesting so I decided I was going to watch the movie. And then one day, last week and I’m truly incensed that I don’t remember the date, but my guess would be the 21st, I finally watched it and oh, God it was so good.
Like, I don’t care what anyone says, this movie was phenomenal and it made me so happy, that I can’t put my feelings into words. That’s how amazing it was and that was in no small part because of Joe and Nicky.
In hindsight, probably there were clues but I had no idea what was going on till the train scene and I feel like there were a lot of people in the same boat as me, who had no idea what was happening till that scene.
Once there was someone talking about representation and they said it was harder to represent sexuality because the character had to come out and express that part of themselves and it wasn’t something that could be done without saying a single world and I truly believed them. But, then along came “The Old Guard” and my belief was completely shattered. That’s when I realised that it wasn’t impossible to represent a relationship and the implied sexuality without a single word, it was just that doing it would require a bigger commitment, because it’s easy to tell us and not show us but it’s impossible to deny something you have already shown us.
Also, Joe and Nicky are so extra. God, I have too many emotions and feelings about the way they sleep. Like, it’s too much. A lot of people talked about the lack of physical contact between them but the only thing going through my head was that these two have been together for a millennium and they still sleep like that. Like literally they are spooning and the movie goes a step further and shows them sleeping for a second time, and they are still spooning in a similar manner. If there is a single instance you can still argue that it isn’t setting a precedent but the moment you go for a second, you are very deliberately telling people that not only are these two together but they sleep like that almost always.
I have too many feels about them sleeping, like not only is that how most of the audiences would have realised that they are a couple but I feel like it very effectively conveyed who Joe and Nicky are.
The biggest hurdle that the movie had was to establish this relationship as something that was extraordinary, because this is the most established couple to ever be established. And the movie does a great job of doing that even without that van scene and that is saying something.
Of course, the movie always had the option of establishing them as a couple with physical touches, kisses and sex but it didn’t do that and I don’t think people realise how brilliant that was. I feel like it’s easier to establish love but harder to establish the other feelings and emotions that are part and parcel of a long-lasting relationship. This is where the movie hits a masterstroke. It has Joe and Nicky not engage in any physical contact before the train scene because, any overt affection between them prior to this would make their relationship feel like a budding one when it is anything but. Instead we see them sleeping and spooning and basically all out cuddling, like I can’t get over how cute that is. But, cuteness aside, this was an amazing piece of showing and not telling.
While kisses and physical touches can convey love, the act of sleeping together (as in actual sleeping together) conveys love, trust and comfort something that would be the hallmarks of any long-lasting relationship.
You can kiss and have sex with anyone but if you are sleeping with someone that actually conveys this sense of comfort in someone else’s physical space that is almost unparalleled. It implies that this relationship is not only about physical pleasure it has transcended that and is more about how much these two people genuinely like and adore each other. Sleeping is also a very conscious decision and sleeping in someone’s arms doubly so. To be touching someone from head to toe as you sleep is intimate and that’s what establishes this relationship – intimacy. Their relationship is special in a way unlike any other relationship and the fact that this is how the movie establishes them means that we have already have placed these two on a higher plane of commitment which better translates to who these two are to each other.
At the end of the day, what matters is not that these two aren’t touching each other all the time but the fact that even after centuries together they still love each other so much that they spend their nights spooning and cuddling, like Nicky literally sleeps every night in Joe’s arms. Like the romance of it all will kill me.
I feel like as viewers we give higher points to romance and intimacy then we would have to physical demonstrations because kisses and sex can be used to convey wildly different ranges of meanings, scenarios and emotions but intimacy only ever has one meaning.
Therefore, we as a fandom are obsessed with how these two, sleep and are definitely onto something when we can’t imagine one sleeping without the other. In hindsight, sleeping also denotes how much these two still want to be with each other, their time together hasn’t jaded their feelings and emotions for each other but instead has made them stronger and even more surreal.
Can you tell that I’m in love with these two?
This is already a thousand words long and I’m not even close to finished but I think I’ll split my squee-fest here, and deal with the rest of how this relationship makes me feel in another post.
[Part 2]
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It's been a while. Episode 40 discussion post below! Spoilers, obviously.
hi! wow! its been a while! sorry about that, brainrot said i have to think about nothing but warrior cats for like six months straight so ive been busy with that. but im back, hopefully? not sure if anyone really recognizes my specifically (or if they ever did), but anyways. since i didnt make an analysis post for the past,,, two (?) episodes, some of my cited evidence will just be "trust me bro" as i dont have notes to look back on, only my own memory. now! episode 40!
this episode was very corn-heavy, so that's gonna be the focal point of this post. ok, time for a quick recap. ive already established in my previous episode analysis / theory posts that corn is almost definitely been *replaced* by xolotl, not possessed or altered. its also likely the beast in the cave near metztli is quetzalcoatl (though this could be a manifestation of xolotl as well), and xolotl is trying to rid of him (this is why im working on the assumption is it quetzalcoatl and not xolotl in the reflections, however this could be some amalgamate of the two "getting rid" of xolotl….. who knows!). im going against my previous theories here! i said in a previous post the shadowy figures were likely xolotl, but im leaning towards corn here in the replacement theory, ill detail why later in this post. he also said at some point in episode 40 that he "got rid of his negative traits" (paraphrasing) which could be a reference ot getting rid of his twin. As for the evidence for replacing rather than possession: mind the difference in hairstyle in his human form, difference in facial markings, and his lack of transformation back into nagual form (likely because it would be markedly different. it could be that xolotls nagual form is reminiscent on corn's dream self with the face covered in hands? yall know what im talking about, ill cite the episode later. but this is unrelated).
All of this happened directly after he failed to shoot the mercy bow. Not sure if the mercy bow or the town is relevant here, but i figured its worth bringing up. This scene in episode 35 is the last we see of regular corn. He has been in human form since this point. He seemed to panic while holding the bow, which could be a mark of his personality in general, *or* something to do with being in metztli, bringing us back to the monster in the cave the citizens of metztli keep at bay with blood. This beast is likely xolotl (although as ive outlined above this could be an incorrect assessment) when the gang first enters the town, and has perhaps "switched places" with corn, leaving quetzalcoatl trapped in xolotl's reflection. This ties back to episode 40 itself, with xolotl (im going to be referring to the impostor as xolotl from now on, its easier for me) requesting that the nurses remove the mirror from his room and give him a wooden spoon rather than a metal one (that could give off his reflection). I'm not sure what this means for corn himself, perhaps xolotl just doesn't want to look at and be reminded of him, or this could be a strategy for getting rid of him? if anyone has any ideas feel free to tell me lol. Not super clear here. Maybe it can be explained by the mythos?
back! to! the! mercy! bow! which isnt really relevant to episode 40. most of this post isnt relevant to episode 40! because i think this episode mostly served to build tension and let us get to know xolotl a little better. but why not give myself a refresher and go back into some of my old stuff? just to get the ball rolling again. ive said in previous posts that i thought the reason the quetzalcoatl and xolotl,,, "thing" happened was because of the mercy bow presumably being destroyed or lost during the eruption of the red tezcatlipoca, since it isnt seen on screen after this happens. im going to tentatively retract this! i dont think its right (though it IS still a possibility….. maybe xolotl was able to take over bc corn disappeared WITH the bow??? but im not sure if the fact he was never able to use the bow disproves this……. hm.) we know *corn* is the proper wielder of it, yes, but i honestly think its more to do with the spooky cave than the bow (something i overlooked previously). its possible the bow being destroyed allowed xolotl to take over? honestly kind of stumped on xolotls method here. its also possible that my replacement theory is totally off mark and theres something im missing!
heres a timeline rq, starting with the gang entering metztli. corn and others enter metztli. they make their way to the temple with the mercy bow. corn attempted to use it, but is scared off by something or otherwise flys away for an unknown reason. this is the last we see on him. he appears only in human form from here on, with his altered facial markings and hairstyle a mark of him being changed. my theory explains this as xolotl pretending to be quetzalcoatl, from some point after corn left the temple and the red eruption. xolotl is likely the creature in the spooky cave the citizens of metztli keep at bay with blood. somehow, xolotl trapped corn in his place (his reflection), while he roams free, pretending to be corn. he avoids reflections of himself (as a shadowy figure is seen on them. This figure is likely corn. Others can see this reflection, as we see a guy at Blackwell drop his spoon after noticing it), and is "maliciously compliant" (uncooperative) with authority. It's likely he purposefully "got rid" of corn, as he says in episode 40 that he got rid of his "negative qualities". spooky! but this episode did not bring a lot of answers. great way to build up tension though! loved the constantly clock ticking as a buildup. cant wait for the next ep :)
apologies if anything ive stated has already been speculated on or confirmed otherwise ! like i said, i havent been active in a while (i even stopped using my main blog, so i dont use tumblr too often), so for all i know i could be the only person left in the no evil fandom on tumblr. feel free to add onto this or correct me or anything ive gotten wrong! ive missed interacting with yall on these theory posts :) might add on more later if i have any revelations.
#No evil#No evil Betsy Lee#Betsy Lee no evil#Corn no evil#Quetzalcoatl no evil#No evil corn#I forgot what tags I used to use AAA#Xolotl no evil#No evil quetzalcoatl
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Functional Dysfunction - Chapter 2 - Rheese
written by @anotheronechicagobog
Warnings: talk about abortion, unplanned pregnancy, forceful admittance to hospital, swearing
Sarah was so thankful that she had a day off. She didn’t think that she could handle an interrogation. Not from Maggie or Natalie individually, much less so together. Her abortion was scheduled to take place in three days, she’d arranged to have that day off too, but for now, all Sarah wanted was to keep her mind off of everything, so she tied her curly hair into a bun, started blasting ABBA and cleaning her apartment. She’d gotten into the zone and hadn’t comprehended the time until she’d hit her shin on her coffee table for the umpteenth time while dancing around using her duster both as a cleaning tool and a mic. She plopped down onto her couch and looked at her work. She wasn’t a neat freak, but her place was usually pretty clean. Yes she’ll leave far too many books out on the coffee table, she doesn’t vacuum every week, and she refuses to buy dishes that can’t go in the dishwasher, but there’s no mold or layers of dust or strange smells, and she can always find what she needs when she needs it. But now, everything was put away, there wasn’t a stray coffee mug or spoon out on the counter, her apartment smelled like lemon Mr. Clean, and she was starving.
She untied her hair as she made her way down the street, letting the wind blow through it, cooling her from head to toe. She cut through the park, just enjoying the fall colours and not being drowned in stress for once. She let her mind wander, from a new Harry Potter fan theory she’d read on Tumblr to what she was going to get when she got to the Mills family diner. Her musing was cut short when she smacked right into someone. Her flustered apology was halted in her throat when the person gently held her arms to stabilize her. They were familiar, she’d felt them yesterday when she stood up too fast. She looked up as he released her. “Dr. Rhodes, sorry about that. I was a little lost in my head.”
“No worries, truthfully, I was spaced out too. And seriously, you can call me Connor, at least outside of work.” And for the first time, ever probably, Sarah took a good look at him.
Though he smiled, it didn’t reach his eyes. They were a piercing blue, but they looked so... Tired. There was a discernible aching sorrow vividly holding his soul hostage. His hair was mussed and it looked like he’d been trying to yank parts of it from his scalp. His shoulders, while strong and broad, were incredibly tense. Sarah actually started to feel pain in hers just looking at him. His skin clung closer to his body than it probably should have, and his pallor making her uneasy. He moved his hands back to his sides, and in all honesty that was probably the most concerning part of him. People often made the mistake of thinking surgeons had soft hands, but that wasn’t true. They didn’t get callouses from their jobs, but their hands were by no means soft. They had to thoroughly wash their hands, forearms, and elbows, before and after every surgery or medical procedure they performed. Plus they had to use hand sanitizer before and after they worked on or even met with a patient. It took a toll on their skin, and you could often tell how much a surgeon had been working based on the condition of their skin. And Rh-Connor’s... It was dark pink, going into his sleeves so she couldn’t see how far up the problem extended to, the skin was cracking, and it felt like scales as opposed to skin.
“Alright, Connor, what are you up to?”
“I’m just walking, I guess.”
“It’s a nice day for it. How’s Robin doing? I haven’t seen her in a while.” A dark look crossed his face and Sarah immediately kicked herself, this was obviously a very stressful, very private, matter that she had just callously asked about. Yes, she had a lot going on, but she should have realized that there was a reason. A secret. “I’m so sorry I didn’t-”
“Robin’s been admitted to psych.” Connor hadn’t told anyone, and had gone to great lengths to keep it as much of a secret as possible. She worked there, her father worked there, he worked there, none of them needed Robin’s situation to be broadcast all over the hospital. But honestly, it felt great to tell someone, to tell Sarah, someone who wasn’t directly involved. Dealing with Dr. Charles throughout, the man who’d forcibly admitted his daughter to psych in the first place, and Ms. Goodwin who supported Dr. Charles, as well as all the staff treating Robin, was exhausting.
“What?”
“Robin was admitted to psych... By Dr. Charles.”
“Oh my god, are you serious? Is that even legal?!”
“It’s... Yeah, it’s a whole thing... Situation. Wow, uh, TMI, I guess. Sorry to spring all of that on you. What are you up to?”
“Uh, well, still pregnant, still getting an abortion. I was just going to get lunch. At the Mills family diner? Uh, I’ve spent the whole day cleaning and avoiding Maggie, and Dr. Manning, and J- the father. You could come, if you want, to the diner I mean, not avoiding the father of- okay this has gotten...” Connor just chuckled, his eyes starting to look slightly less miserable. “I probably won’t be good company, but if you don’t mind...?”
“Not at all, come on, and I’m sure that you’ll be great company.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lunch was surprisingly pleasant. It was awkward at first, but they found a rhythm. Honestly, they just ended up spending the entire time talking about Parks and Rec and Supernatural. It was so nice to talk about anything other than work and the plights in their lives. Connor looked slightly less strung out than when Sarah had first run into him. He seemed a little lighter and his smile really seemed more like a relief to himself. When he first gave Sarah that face-splitting, teeth=showing, jubilant smile he seemed to have shocked himself, confusion plastered all over his face, before a gentle smile flittered in and his body visibly released tension. Since then, he hadn’t stopped smiling, beaming brightly at her. Sarah briefly wondered if he’d smiled at all recently, with how turbulent his life has been. The silence between them was soft and warm. Comforting. They took the time to regard each other without any pressure or professional constraints, and it was nice. Connor sat across from her munching away on his corned beef sandwich, occasionally slurping away at his chocolate milkshake. The vigour with which he’d been eating made her wonder if he was actually taking care of himself. She took another bite of her Gabby’s mac ‘n cheese and savoured... Everything. The taste, her company, the atmosphere, this moment in time was the least hectic or nerve-wracking she’d had since she noticed her cycle was off. So she was just enjoying it while it lasted.
“You okay, Sarah?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. Why?”
“You just seem sluggish. And we’ve been here for a while and you’ve barely made a dent in your food, plus you’re drinking peppermint tea.”
“My morning sickness hasn’t been great, if I’m honest. This is normally my favourite thing on the menu, and I don’t normally like pancakes because they’re so starchy but lately they’re all I’ve been wanting to eat! It’s so annoying. This at least has chicken and loads of vegetables. And hey, pregnancy is tiring! I’m always so sore and achy. Plus caffeine withdrawal is ripping me a new one.”
“You know, if you’re having an abortion, you don’t necessarily have to abide by all the pregnancy can’ts. They won’t really matter, anyway. So, why are you following all the guidelines?”
“I don’t know. It just feels like... They’re still here. They still matter. I’m still their mom, I still have to take care of them.” She shrugged a little and stared at the rim of her white mug, fiddling with the handle. Unable to handle the weight of Connor’s gaze and her own words.
“Maybe you should have ordered the chicken noodle soup. Their recipe is really good, plus it’ll be light on your stomach.” Her eyes snapped to his. There was nothing but sincerity looking back at her. There was a little concern, and the question she’d been avoiding suddenly became tangible and took a seat beside her, whispering ‘are you sure you want an abortion?’ delicately in her ear. But he didn’t ask her. He didn’t make any comments or judgments. He was just there, across from her, offering her kindness and food. She moved the plate away from in front of her and smiled sheepishly at him as he flagged down Peter. “Hey guys, is everything alright? Reese, you’ve hardly touched your food.”
“She’s not feeling super great, do you think we could get a bowl of chicken noodle and a container for the pasta?”
“Yeah, no problem Rhodes, everything will be right out.”
“Connor, you don’t have to do this, but I do really appreciate it.”
“Good, because I appreciate you too and everything that you’re doing for me. Don’t look so confused, you’ve been a great sounding board and distraction. And I honestly really needed that. Plus, I figured that since I’ve got dirt on you so you can’t tell anyone about the Robyn thing.” There was absolutely no malice in his words and Sarah couldn’t help but laugh. It really was a relief to have someone to talk to about her baby, and he was right, if he did suddenly just spill the beans she could do the same in retaliation. She doubted he ever would though, he was an incredibly private person and valued privacy more than Ron Swanson. “Doris would have a field day with us, wouldn’t she?”
“Oh hell, Sarah, don’t even joke about that. If she knew...” She laughed again at his overdramatic shudder. But she knew he was right. No one could know. Especially not Doris.
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It was late in the day when they finally left the diner, the air cooling down from crisp to chilly, the winds much harsher and stronger than usual. Sarah’s apartment was only a ten-minute walk away but Connor insisted on taking her home. She’d managed to talk him out of walking her to her door, but not of driving her there. “What kind of guy would I be if I let a pregnant woman walk home alone when the weather just got worse?” Something in his tone, and the way he spoke so freely about her pregnancy, made her think that he knew something she wasn’t willing to consider just yet, but she was trying not to think about it. Instead, she focused on the interior of Connor’s luxury car. “Is this silver? On the door handles?”
“No... It’s platinum.”
“Really?!”
“Yes. What, do you want to hear about all the extravagant features in this car?”
“Oh absolutely.”
“Seriously?”
“Mostly cause I know it annoys you, but yeah.”
“Well, another time then, because we are here.”
“After a two-minute car ride. I could have walked myself.”
“I grew up here, you didn’t, when the wind gets that bad it’s best to avoid the outdoors.”
“Alright, well thanks for the ride and for looking out for my safety.”
“No problem, I’ll see you at work tomorrow, right?”
“Depends. I’ll spend most of the day avoiding Maggie and Manning which will involve lots of hiding.”
“Well, maybe we could hide together? I doubt that Robyn’s admittance to the hospital will stay secret for long. Plus, today was nice. We should hang out again.”
“We should, it really was refreshing. And, uh, if you do need a place to hide tomorrow, my spot is on the second floor of the atrium in the small hallway behind the janitor’s closet on the right side. There’s a couch there and because nothing else is down there no one really uses it, and it can be pretty quiet. As long as you don’t tell anyone else, you’re free to use it.”
“Thanks, Sarah. Something tells me I’ll be needing that information.” The weight that had evaporated over the course of the afternoon seemed to return, his movements slowed, his limbs appeared heavier, his smile dropped, and his eyes went dark, reflecting pain and exhaustion. Sarah honestly just wanted to give him a hug. But she couldn’t. They didn’t know each other that well, and spending the afternoon with him was already a little strange, despite how nice it was. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Connor. You should go home, get some sleep. You seem... Tired.”
“I am. And, I think I’ll do just that. Thank you, Sarah, really. This afternoon was really what I needed. And I do want to do it again sometime.”
“Then we will. Bye Connor.”
#One Chicago#chicago med#Chicago Fire#Sarah Reese#connor rhodes#connor rhodes x sarah reese#sarah x connor#rheese#Natalie Manning#peter mills
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how do you know if you have some sort of chronic illness?
cause i think i might but idk
i think i do cause when i was younger i was constantly sick and went to the hospital a lot and sick for months on end and sometimes it happens now
now a days i’m just constantly fatigued and tired, random bits of pain in like my ankles, lower bank, stomach etc but idk if this is just mental illness related or not, sometimes i also feel really sick after eating regardless of what i ate and a lot of my joints are hypermoblie like my fingers, knees, hips, elbows but not to the point of like dislocation
idk but yeah thank you in advance
so the first thing I’ll say is that based on everything that’s bothering you.. it’s not something “normal” people have to worry about. if you think you’re chronically ill, you probably are.
the only way to really get a better idea of what’s going on is to see your doctor and be forthright about everything you’re feeling, and try to get them to try some tests and/or meds with you.
don’t be discouraged if some people doubt you and tell you it’s just because of lack of exercise, stress, or something like that. yes, stress and mental illness struggles can make things worse, but it’s not normal to be exhausted and in pain all the time. and some chronic illnesses are pretty common. so you’re totally valid in thinking that this is not just something you should have to “deal with” -- it’s something that you can at least try to address, with some help. (also idk if you’re on meds but many antidepressants also can help with achy side effects, so that’s something to talk with your doc about as well.)
so I’d recommend seeing a doctor and asking about all of these things to try and get some help. you’ll also have the community here on tumblr to support you as you figure out what’s going on--we’re pretty active in the “spoonie” and “chronic illness” tags (look up the ‘spoon theory’ if you’re not familiar with why we use the word spoonie).
I hope that’s helpful! stop back anytime with questions, I hope I can help <3 best of luck and I hope you can get some good rest and feel a bit better soon.
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Fascinating to see a lot of supernatural posts talking about how wild it is that they’re doing gender studies on dean winchester and doing critical theory on thee supernatural on tumblr dot edu which....lol yeah... and usually it comes with an air of “i don’t care anymore fuck it! why the hell not?” The growth here we love to see it! It’s not dumb to want to think critically about supposedly “bad” media. that’s why we eschew Cringe. Things are Good and Smart if you talk about it that way, for important reasons (which could be as simple as it’s fun and not harming anyone!). It’s so fascinating too given how back in 2014-16ish i pretty much only followed spn blogs that were shameless in their love for it and/or wrote very serious metas on purpose.
There’s few things more appealing to me (and stimulating for my dopamine craving adhd having brain) than something I can think very deeply about, at length, keep coming back to and rarely getting bored by, for the sole purpose of intrinsic value. I like thinking of “smart things” about critically acclaimed media and the classics, but those require more spoons than I have to give more often than not tbh! I like the option to deeply analyze without that being the primary source of enjoyment. Whatever the hell the dead center between McDonald’s and Caviar is that’s spn for me. and its 15 season length? the gift that keeps on giving.
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Various and Sundry (thoughts dump):
Writing in a zine feels too hard right now. I’m working on a zine and it’s going well, but I forgot what I was going to write about.
I don’t relate to Spoons Theory at all, until I suddenly have a negative amount of energy to do anything. But I also don’t think I have the kind of chronic illness(es) where you have spoons.
I love N. a lot. Like, really a lot. And I feel bad that they’ve been so worried lately.
I miss posting more personal stuff on Tumblr. I think I’m also much more aware that this is the internet and people can find a lot of stuff here, though. But here! Have a long, vague-enough personal post :)
Whenever some kind of hate crime happens that I’m not directly affected by, I always want to help, but it feels so overwhelming to educate myself and actively unlearn and re-learn things. I get so cowed by feeling ashamed and guilty that I’m not sure what to actually do.
Therapy last week was hard. And I don’t know how to cope with that (or handle it?). I’m worried talking about in therapy will just... stir things up again. It’s just, aaaah.
I’m hoping to change jobs this late spring/early summer, but I have no idea how to look for a job I’d actually be able to do. I guess being open to finding a new job is the first step...
One of my friends has been having a really hard time lately, and I know I can’t fix anything.
N. and I have been getting coffee almost every morning for the last couple weeks, and even if I don’t always want coffee, I really like the routine of it (and I normally get coffee to drink later).
I think for the most part, I communicate a lot better than my parents. (I also have a lot more self awareness [too much] than either of them. And more access to therapy.) I don’t know if they’re actually proud of me for having better boundaries. But I know I’ve come a long way, and it feels like I started from nothing.
I got my first vaccine this weekend, and I... don’t really feel anything about it, emotionally. I wasn’t expecting to get vaccinated. I feel a mix of slight relief and like, “oh, it doesn’t really change anything.”
I made a playlist on YouTube called Electropop Bops, and I’m really happy with it! I keep thinking I know a lot more electro-ish-pop-ish music than that, though...
This week is stressful because we’re packing to go on a vacation with my dad and his GF, and, more than packing, tidying up things and cleaning and making sure we have everything set up before we go.
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Thinking about my old tumblr that I stopped using because an american social worker got mad at me because I had never heard about an "important" concept when talking disability politics. The important concept was spoon theory. I was soooooo bad because I hadn't heard about it before. But I WAS talking about sticks? Aka in Swedish we use the same theory but we talk about sticks? (And there are probably LOTS of other ways to talk about this particular thing). But even if I had never heard of it, so what? I don't understand why it's supposed to be so important? Why do I have to talk like a professor to have a voice that matters? Aka why do I have to talk like english is my first language to matter.
I'm very tired of talking about myself and always checking if I think US people will understand. Not "will people who speak english understand", that's obviously needed, but culturally checking myself, hoping that I don't say anything that would upset americans, specifically, because they will assume that I'm one of them and live their lives. Which I don't. I don't understand all the concepts they use, and I don't see why I should learn them when they don't bother with understanding my concepts.
I don't know. Fuck spoons, fuck tumblr (why did I return, I left that blog thinking I would stay away but I arrived here instead), fuck feeling guilty for not understanding their political system (one that they don't understand themselves - one day I will ask why they let judges have so much political power when they're not politicians but that's for another day).
Fuck it 😌 I'll be stupid on main and proud of it (??)
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Another bullshit update on life in general
Work has kept me busy, and I’ve been trying to get more done creatively and around the house, as well.
This was the first weekend in awhile I didn’t do any (or much) meal prep, since we had enough in the freezer to last us for all the dinners this week, and even a few lunches for Marc. I made a dozen eggs, cut up and roasted almost 5 lbs of potatoes, and called it a day.
I cancelled the physical therapist, because between work, gym, housekeeping and trying to do something other than being a machine I did not have time for an additional two rounds of exercises every single day. We were getting up at 5 AM, leaving for work at 6:30 AM, leaving work for home at 5 PM, getting home from the gym around 7, then eating for a half hour. It was not going to happen.
We ended up cancelling the gym membership, because -- as much as we want to go -- we are just too tired and hungry after an hour-long commute to be like, “Yay, let’s do something tedious and exhausting for a half hour!”
The long term goal was to cancel the membership anyway, however. I told Marc I want us to concentrate on finishing the sheetrock in the former “cat room” this coming weekend so that we actually use it for its intended purpose, which was exercise. I have that barre I bought last year that I haven’t had time or room to use even once, and the treadmill and hand weights is just sitting and collecting dust. So anyway, that’s the plan for next weekend.
We will also be fostering two cats in the next couple weeks, and trying to find them a home. Long story short we met an artist at one of the galleries downtown, very nice guy, and his friend or nephew or I forget has recently knocked up his girlfriend and decided, “Well, we need to move and get rid of the cats I guess!”
So they’re two year-old sisters, and he wants them to stay together, which is fine. Like Rosie, they actually look very young, like maybe only 5 months old. They have never been to the vet in their life, so no shots, and neither of them are fixed, which means it will be on us to take care of all that before they get adopted out. I’m sure he’s going to be a great Dad [/sarcasm].
When Marc found out that the cats needed a full vet workup, including spay, he was initially resistant due to the cost. I said okay, if you’re not comfortable with it you’re not comfortable with it, and went upstairs to investigate our options. The Walmart just opened up a “Vet IQ” clinic that does basic veterinary care, and we can utilize a local spay clinic for about $50 per cat, so on that end alone we’d be shelling out less than $300 (there’s always food and litter, of course).
After awhile Marc came up and was like, “I think I was a little hasty, I’m sure we can make it work.” After I told him the anticipated costs he was much more into it, so that’s good. Hopefully we won’t have any trouble finding a home for them.
Rosie is doing well at feeding time in her crate! It has not stopped her from being an absolute maniac spaz about food, but there is almost no growling at all while she eats now. She goes in her crate, Marc covers it up with a towel, and she eats with seemingly less hysterical anxiety. I’ll call it a tentative win.
Rosie, by the way, loves Bones. Bones can usually take her or leave her, although his tolerance level is much higher when she’s not acting the spaz, although you see moments of affection for her as well. She greets him with a nice long body rub when they cross paths, and yesterday Marc caught him grooming her head. It does my heart good.
At the risk of jinxing myself, I’ve been doing much better at bowling for the past few weeks! I did decently at league on Friday, and when we went for our Sunday practice I had a series of something like 145, 106 and 140. Considering I was lucky to break 100 a couple months ago I’m feeling very encouraged.
What has worked for me, honestly, is throwing out a lot of convention wisdom. Marc has always been very patient with me, explaining game theory and approach and all that, but no matter how much I tried to put it all together it just wasn’t working. And I was really, really trying.
Then, a few weeks ago, I was chatting with someone about Dyscalculia, and did a bit more casual reading about it. I was reminded that it often causes issues with spatial awareness, something I can absolutely vouch for (I actually suspect it’s part of what’s caused me to have such persistent problems with perspective and anatomy over the years, although that’s a discussion for another time.)
So I started keeping that in mind when we play: I used the techniques that I knew were helpful, but in any aspect where I was supposed to do one thing, but consistently got unexpected and problematic results, I tried to go more by “feel”.
It’s hard to explain why this works, but it has so far. Basically, I had to throw out the notion of bowling at “angles”, and became more of a straight-shooter, keeping in mind that my ball does have a tendency to hook left. I got something like 3 or 4 strikes in one game on Friday!
Which is not to say that I’m suddenly a good bowler, because I’m not, but I’m better, which is what I wanted. What’s annoying is when (admittedly well-meaning) people are like, “Here’s what you’re doing wrong!” and try to teach me about techniques which I already know, but which just don’t work for me.
This happened two weeks ago I think, and I’m sure the lady meant well, but she also was ignoring me when I said multiple fucking times, “I understand, but I have spatial awareness problems, that doesn’t work for me.”
Like, repeating something at me over and over is not going to make it any more true. I hear what you’re saying, you’re just wrong.
So in other news I finished two more of the Mori Girl Cats, and that dumb little werewolf thing that was strictly for my own amusement. (Someone was like, “That would make a great t-shirt,” and haha, I’m not fucking falling for that one again.) I also organized the office / computer area of the Geek Room, we stashed away the last of the convention stuff, and it feels much more clean and open and neat. A place I actually want to hang out, and not anxiously work while avoiding the pile of shit sitting behind me!
Last night I also installed Sims 3 and treated myself to a handful of expansion and “stuff” packs. I only had enough time to create one Sim last night, but I already look forward to giving him a cold.
…*cough*...
Unrelated, but I meant to talk about something that happened last Wednesday, when I was out running my Mom around to her appointments and whatnot.
So… for anyone who didn’t follow me on Facebook or my old Tumblr, the short version is that my Mom and I have a very long and complicated history. She was not a very good mother, she is a textbook covert narcissist. She was an alcoholic for many, many years which caused serious and life-altering problems for me as a teenager and young adult, and after she got sober she transitioned to a prescription drug addiction which further deteriorated our already tenuous and fraught relationship, and landed both her and my stepfather in financial ruin.
About a year and a half ago, to help save them from the road to homelessness, we helped them sell their old house and moved them to Bucks County to live about 10 minutes from us, in a mobile home park. We helped them get it fixed up, we help with maintenance, running errands, etc. It’s a very cute little house, and although it took some time I think they see that now, and that their lives are better off.
When they first moved up here my mother was still on prescription drugs, but she very quickly found that it was impossible to find a new doctor to continue prescribing her the same pharmaceutical cocktails she wanted. And boy did she fucking try. She’s already changed doctors at least three or four times since moving here, whipping out her favorite refrain of “I don’t think this doctor knows what they’re talking about!” every time they’re like, “Yeah, you don’t need to be on a steady stream of opiates.”
Eventually the lack of drugs caught up with her, the withdrawal passed, and for the past year or so she and I have actually gotten along okay. She is still, and always will be, a difficult person, and I worry about whether or not she’ll find a doctor to start filling prescriptions again, but until then things are… okayish.
Anyway, that’s the long back story.
Back when they were still living at their old house, Marc and I would periodically go to visit them. My Mom was always drugged out of her gourd, so I fucking hated going, but I had to do my duty, and she made every excuse imagineable for why she couldn’t come visit us. So once a month we’d pack up, trek over to her house, order take-out, hang out for a while, then go back home again.
Except my Mother would do this thing where, after the food arrived, she would put the plates out, and then she would continue to gather plates and reorganize the kitchen while everyone was sitting down, serving themselves and eating.
Like, the food would be on the table, we’d all be halfway through our meals and well on our way to being done, and my Mom would still be in the kitchen sorting around in the drawers for a mystery spoon or bowl that she needed, then finding it, washing it out, drying it, realizing it was the wrong one, putting it away, etc.
Eventually she would come out while everyone else was finishing up, serve herself a tablespoon of food, eat half, and then talk about how full she was.
For a while we would be like, “Mom… everyone is eating. We have everything we need. We literally don’t need anything else. Just come in and eat,” and she would ignore us. Eventually I just stopped caring, and let her do her thing while the rest of us ate. The sooner we finished the sooner we could leave.
I don’t know how else to describe her behavior apart from manic. Like, when it was time to order, if I asked her for a menu, she would bring me the menu, and for fifteen minutes after I had called to place the order she would still be rooting through the drawers looking for more / other menus. She would get herself so worked up that sometimes while we were sitting downstairs hanging out she’d have to go up and be sick.
All this just to give you a sense of what she used to be like.
Anyway. I’m driving her home from an appointment on Wednesday, and she’s commenting how all of us just naturally turn into their mothers as we get older, even though we don’t want to. In that I stayed dead silent through this observation I think she recognized that I disagreed. So then she moved on to how different some daughters are from their mothers, especially in the kitchen.
And she said to me, “Like when I cook, I have to clean as I go along, I can’t just put everything in the sink until later. Remember when you used to come over to eat, and you’d say to me, ‘Mom, come and eat, the food is ready!’ and I’d be so busy cleaning up that I wouldn’t even realize!”
And I’m like, “....”
Because that’s not what happened. That’s not even fucking remotely what happened. So she has spun the reality where she is an out-of-control manic drug addict and spun it into a funny story about how she’s such a neat freak that she doesn’t realize it’s time to eat.
I was sorely tempted to correct her, but at the last second realized it wouldn’t make a difference either way. She is never going to look back on her behavior with any kind of clarity, and trying to force her to do so would just make the day end on a sour note. If she wants to live in delusion, that’s on her. I can tolerate it, but I’m certainly not going to feed into it by saying something like, “Yes, that’s precisely how it happened.”
She’ll have to learn to interpret the silence on her own.
Anyway, I guess that’s it. Greatly looking forward to getting home and having a nice night on the couch, or maybe playing Sims some more. I may even make some tea.
I hope all of you are doing well <3
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Mental Health Tips
So, I was looking through my mood tracker recently and realized there’s been a gradual but undeniable increase of good days and a decrease of bad days, and it hit me that yeah, I have been doing better and better. I’m not being hyperbolic when I say that getting my ADHD diagnosis in January was a life changer. There’s a (great) book on ADD called You Mean I’m Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy? and that was exactly how I felt. Wait, all the things I’ve been struggling with, all the times I beat myself up over my lack of discipline or worried that I had a brain tumor because I’d forget things in seconds or thought I might be bipolar because I could go from the highest highs to extreme lows multiple times a day, that was all because of one thing? Amazing!
Anyway, realization is one thing. Then there was medication (also a life changer), and therapy, and look where we are now! Over the past year I’ve learned a few things that have had a huge positive impact on my mental health, and I thought they might be useful for others struggling with their mental health, whether it’s ADHD or something else.
You’re not the only one
Just to start off nice and cheesy, but it’s true. The reason it might feel like you’re the only one dealing with what you’re dealing with and struggling to do what seems so easy to others, is because mental health is still stigmatized and not something people generally talk about. But that doesn’t mean they don’t know it.
When I got my diagnosis, I talked about it a lot. Part of it was hyperfocus; it was something that was on my mind a lot so it became my one subject to fall back on. However, another part of it was knowing that if I’d known what ADHD really was earlier, my life would have been so much better so much sooner. At times I was sure I brought it up too much, but I’m glad I did. Being open about my mental health issues made people around me open up about theirs. Whether it’s people you know IRL or a tumblr page with mental health memes, that affirmation that other people have the same quirks and struggles as you do helps so much.
The bare minimum is better than nothing
Yes, it’s obvious. It’s still something I struggle with because there’s that little voice that goes ‘yes, but I should be able to do more’. Guess what? That there thought qualifies as not one, but two negative thinking patterns: should-statements and all-or-nothing thinking. Just because you think you should be able to do something doesn’t mean that’s the best choice for you, or realistic. Besides, who says you should? Society? Society knows nothing.
Thinking you should just be able to do all your dishes but getting overwhelmed at the prospect of doing so isn’t helpful. Washing a single dish, or even just rinsing one because that’s all you can manage? That’s still better than nothing.
That said, yes, strive for progress over perfection, but remember that progress is not the bare minimum. Sometimes, the bare minimum is maintaining the status quo, or even just making sure things get slightly less worse than they could have. And that is okay.
Remove steps & automate
Speaking of which: often it’s possible to make the absolute minimum easier. How? By removing obstacles, simplifying things so that they don’t take as many steps or spoons to complete. If your laundry basket is in the bathroom while you tend to undress in your bedroom, that’s where you move your laundry basket. Personally, even having a laundry basket with a lid on it is too many steps for me most of the time. If I can’t chuck my dirty clothes right in, they end up in a pile on the floor. Solution: my laundry basket is within throwing range and doesn’t have a lid.
It only has to work for you
Sure, society dictates that clean clothes go in a wardrobe or a dresser. That’s just the way it’s done. But guess what? When clean clothes start piling up all over my room because I can’t bring up the energy or focus or whatever to put them away, I break out boxes. One box for clean laundry. One box for clothing I’ve worn but isn’t dirty yet. And then the laundry basket goes right beside those boxes in my room, in plain sight. That’s my system until I feel better. If I’m feeling up for it, there’s an extra box so that I can divide my clean clothes up between ‘large’ (aka pants and shirts) and ‘small’ (underwear and socks) to make it easier on myself when I get dressed. Did my laundry? Clean clothes go in the clean clothes box. Wore something but it still smells okay and there’s no stains? Toss them at the ‘worn’ box.
Is it how “things are done” normally? No. Does it mean my clothes are even more crumpled than usual? Yes. However, it also means that there’s less clutter in my room, it’s easier to find something to wear, and there’s less risk of me just living in a pile of trash because my room’s a mess anyway.
Your idea of progress may be different from others. Your coping mechanisms might not work for other people. Your adaptive behaviours may not line up with societal expectations, and that’s fine! In fact, that’s more than fine, because they shouldn’t. They only have to work for you.
Remove forks
So the whole spoon theory is fairly well known in mental health circles, but reading about the Fork Theory was an eye-opener for me. It’s explained here, but because reading that article is another extra step (ooh, so meta), here’s the most important bit:
You know the phrase, “Stick a fork in me, I’m done,” right?
Well, Fork Theory is that one has a Fork Limit, that is, you can probably cope okay with one fork stuck in you, maybe two or three, but at some point you will lose your shit if one more fork happens.
A fork could range from being hungry or having to pee to getting a new bill or a new diagnosis of illness. There are lots of different sizes of forks, and volume vs. quantity means that the fork limit is not absolute. I might be able to deal with 20 tiny little escargot fork annoyances, such as a hangnail or slightly suboptimal pants, but not even one “you poked my trigger on purpose because you think it’s fun to see me melt down” pitchfork.
This is super relevant for neurodivergent folk. Like, you might be able to deal with your feet being cold or a tag, but not both. Hubby describes the situation as “It may seem weird that I just get up and leave the conversation to go to the bathroom, but you just dumped a new financial burden on me and I already had to pee, and going to the bathroom is the fork I can get rid of the fastest.”
It’s close to the whole ‘removing steps’ thing, but less about making a task easier and more about giving you space to deal with things.
What this means for me is that when I’m having a less than stellar day mentally, I pay extra attention to what clothes I put on in the morning. Nothing too tight, nothing even slightly scratchy. It may be a tiny fork in the morning, but if I’m in a socially difficult situation, it might be a tiny fork too many that will lead to me being overwhelmed or overstimulated. I need to make sure I’m as comfortable as absolutely possible, aka remove as many forks as I can. Sometimes this means shaving my legs even though I think it’s bullshit that I care about that, or wearing clothes that draw as little attention to me as possible. No, I don’t want to care about what others think, but the truth is that part of me does, and I can’t change that right that instant. What I can do is minimize the chance that I get overwhelmed on an already stressful day.
Forks don’t have to be annoyances. They can also be tasks you keep putting off or something you keep reminding yourself of. Sometimes having a self-care day for me means doing all the easy things I’ve been meaning to do for ages but haven’t gotten around to. Sometimes it’s writing down all the things that are buzzing around in my brain, just so that I can assure myself I don’t have to remember them anymore because they’re on paper now. Sometimes it’s turning off notifications for specific apps because seeing them pop up makes me feel guilty when I’m not in the right frame of mind to respond.
Sometimes removing a fork costs spoons, like when I’m at a restaurant with a friend and I know that sitting in a spot where people walk by behind me is a pretty big fork for me, but removing it means asking them if they mind switching spots. That’s when it helps to be open about what you’re dealing with, because most of my close friends know by now that I always prefer to sit with my back to a wall, and I don’t even have to ask.
Compromise and automate
Back to the should-thinking. Sometimes removing forks means throwing all the shoulds out the window because they just aren’t working right now, and you’ll get back to them later. As I mentioned earlier, I don’t think I should care about what other people think, but I’m not there yet, so sometimes making life easier for me means compromising on that and conforming to societal standards if I know I’m going to need everything I have to get through a day. Another example: I feel like I should buy whole vegetables and cut them myself and cook my own meals, because pre-cut and prepackaged things are often more expensive and just contribute to more plastic waste. Okay, cool, but that ideal version of me who has the time and energy to do that hasn’t shown up yet, and in the meantime I need to eat. Buying a pre-packaged meal with actual vegetables in it is still cheaper than ordering pizza because I can’t get myself to cook, and it’s still healthier than trying to fill up on crackers because I couldn’t deal with the social aspect of opening the door for the pizza delivery.
Sometimes, in order to remove steps, you have to compromise. Sometimes, in order to remove another worry (aka fork), you have to automate. When I first started on meds, I would write down the time I took them, calculate when I’d need to take my next dose, and set an alarm. It made me procrastinate taking my next dose, because it was too many steps. There was an app that did all that for me, but I thought it was ridiculous to pay for an app that did exactly what I should be able to do myself.
I bought the app. I tap one button and my phone sends me a notification when my next dose is due. I have my phone on silent/no vibrate all the time, because notifications are overwhelming to me, so I have an activity tracker watch that lets me reroute only specific notifications to my watch, and now my watch vibrates when I need to take my next dose. I know this isn’t an option for everyone because obviously those things cost money (and it just goes to show how life is so much easier for the rich because they can automate so much), but if there’s any way to turn something you have to do often into something that will do itself mostly on its own, it may be worth looking into. Yes, even when you think you should be able to do it yourself.
Are you sure the thing you’re worrying about is a problem?
This may seem super simple and obvious, but I legit had to change the ‘worry flowchart’ my therapist gave me to have an extra first step: ‘Do I have proof the problem exists?’ Spoiler: most of the time the answer is no.
I’m running late, I’m not sure if I’m going to make my bus to work. I’m stressing out about what will happen if I’m late. Maybe my superiors will get angry at me. Maybe this will be one too many times. But guess what? I don’t know if I’ll miss the bus. I might still make it. Until I know for certain that I’m going to be late, there’s no use worrying about what might happen. Even if I end up being late, I don’t have any proof that my superiors will be angry with me. I don’t know yet if the problem even exists, so why act like it does?
Another example: I can beat myself up over the fact that people think I’m lazy because I need to take a break. I feel terrible. I don’t want them to think I’m lazy! I can’t relax even though I desperately need to take a break. I told my therapist, and he asked me for proof. Do I have irrefutable proof that people think I’m lazy? Of course not, that’s an assumption I make. Am I a mind reader? No, I just tend to assume the worst. Okay, so why am I worrying about it if I’m not even sure the problem actually exists? Right.
This is not a moral failing and it does not affect your worth
Building on that: even if people think I’m lazy (and I don’t have proof that’s true!), that doesn’t mean their opinion is fact. Their perception of me is not a moral failing on my part. My therapist made me provide proof for and against the hypotheses that I was lazy, and there was way more proof against that statement. At the time, I was in school four days a week, working three, and had two other projects on the side. If, for example, my parents thought I was lazy for having no energy to do chores on my one free day in two months, (again, I had no proof they even thought that), they would’ve simply been wrong. They could’ve thought it all they wanted, but it did not mean I was lazy.
A lot of symptoms of mental health issues can be perceived by others as negative character traits, and that’s one of the reasons it’s so difficult to discuss sometimes. The thing is: their perceptions and opinions do not actually reflect on you or in any way determine your worth. Your brain going about things differently than theirs is as much your fault as needing glasses is (it isn’t).
And last but not least:
Emotion comes first (and goes last)
That sounds nice and cryptic, right? What I mean is that knowing your immediate reaction to something is unnecessary and that things aren’t as bad as they seem is different from feeling it. Your knee-jerk reaction is going to be emotion. Likewise, it’ll take a while before your emotions catch up with where your brain is going when you reroute your thoughts away from negative places.
The RSD, or Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, that comes with ADHD means that sometimes I have extreme negative emotional reactions to situations. When someone responds a little less enthusiastically than what I’m used to, for example, or when friends talk about something they did without me (even if I wouldn’t have wanted to do that particular thing and they know that), or even when someone didn’t hear what I said, it can cause this void to just open up in my chest and swallow every sense of happiness I may have been feeling. It happens suddenly and drags me straight down to my lowest point.
Lately, in those moments, I’ve been able to check in with myself and analyze what it was that triggered this meltdown. Thanks mostly to therapy I can rationalize that things aren’t so bad, and I can claw my way out of that pit, but that always comes one step after that first instinctual emotional reaction. Likewise, knowing things are fine does not mean the negative emotions disappear straight away. They take some time to dissipate, and I’m a little more emotionally vulnerable for a bit while they do. Emotion happens first, and leaves last.
It can be disheartening. It can feel like progress isn’t being made, but that very realization is progress, even if you’re not feeling it yet. Emotions follow the path they know best, and if for you, like me, that path is automatically assuming the worst, you’re gonna feel the emotions associated with that for a while, even when you rationally know it’s all crap. The thing is, practice makes perfect, and redirecting your thoughts into a more positive direction will, eventually, make that path the easiest one to find. Your feelings may take a little while to figure it out, but they’ll find that path eventually.
I’m not saying I’m cured. I’m not saying I know everything. I have bad days and struggles and all that, but I have been doing better.
I mentioned it briefly at the beginning of all of this, but I started tracking my mood in July. It’s just one general mood a day, which obviously doesn’t quite display the ups and downs I deal with, but I tried to log the average for the day. I started doing so because I sort of knew I was doing better and better but of course once you get used to something, it becomes the new normal and it’s hard to tell when progress happens, so I tracked it:
#this is the first thing I've written in one go in so long oops#ofc right after that I had a bit of a mental health setback for a few days bUT#that's part of the process amirite#mental health#mental health advice#adhd#actual adhd#actually adhd#depression#mental health support
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How I Discovered Witchcraft & the Paranormal
I figured the best way to kick off this blog, would be to introduce myself, and briefly discuss my own history in the craft, and how I came to having this blog and Instagram account to discuss such things in the first place! If I end up being unclear, or you have a question, or are curious about something I didn’t cover here, please feel free to message me on Instagram, Twitter, or here on Tumblr and I'll be happy to help out! (Here or Instagram preferably!)
To begin, I go by Faye, and I knew I was a strange kid from the get-go. I had my first paranormal experience at age 4, I finished other peoples sentences, or said what they were thinking. My dreams ended up happening, I saw my deceased Aunt and Grandfather after they passed. I grew up in a haunted house where a murder/suicide occurred, so I saw shadows and objects move regularly. I figured out this wasn’t normal behavior of other kids my age. I was more vocal, connected, somehow...older? than the other children. But at this time, I knew nothing of magick and didn’t know spiritual gifts existed. Little did I know what a big part of my life this would end up being. Little did I know how many more strange things were awaiting me in life!
I was first introduced to witchcraft at a very young age, at, of all places, girl scout camp! I remember it was summer, and I was at Camp Grove Point. I was a brownie at the time, so I was between the ages of 7-9. I made friends with another girl my age, her name was Tara. Tara told me her Mother was a witch, and knew magick. I remember first thinking she was just imaginative, and her Mother must have supported it. She told me her Mother worked with herbs and spells, and could make things move...and so could she. Before I realized the difference between ‘Magick” and “Magic”, I was assuming this girl meant her and her mother practiced stage magic, tricks. I didn’t believe her, until I saw her prove it. She was right, she didn’t mean “Fairy Godmother from Cinderella” type magic at all. I remember my initial repulsion at the word ‘witch’. I thought it was bad, sinful, wrong! I had no idea how wrong I was, or that this was my first step to reclaiming the word for my own.
Tara wasn’t lying, she really could move things. Not far, but they moved. Yes, I realize it’s nuts to say and I sound crazy, but you can’t deny what you’ve seen with your own eyes. I remember how my entire world lit up, watching the impossible. We’d sit hidden somewhere, away from the other campers, and I’d balance sticks, leaves and small stones for her to wiggle, or slide. She always told me her Mother was better at it, and she was still learning. I watched her ‘hex’ people, she’d call it ‘sending bad luck’. She’d pick a poor victim around the campfire and make them fall off the logs we were all sitting on, over and over again. I’ll never forget the look of confusion on their face as they couldn't figure out why they couldn't stay seated on this log. They’d look around, blame the person beside them, trying to figure out the trick, while her and I were in fits of laughter.
Of course at the time I didn’t realize that what Tara was doing was really energy manipulation, not Harry Potter type spells, but whatever it was, I knew it worked, and I needed to learn it. I asked her to teach me, and she did, but after a strong warning that I've always remembered. She grabbed both my hands, and looked in me in the eyes seriously, “I’ll teach you, but you can’t EVER tell anyone.” I hadn’t planned on it, who would believe me?. “If you tell, they’ll kill us. we’ll get experimented on, or locked up. My mom says they’ll hurt us.”
I realized then what a big deal it was for her to even tell me, her Mother had obviously put the fear of God in her about revealing their secret. Tara really believed this was so rare that her and her Mother would be taken, and experimented on like science projects if anyone ever found out. Of course at the time I didn’t realize that others could do such things either, so I believed this, stayed fearful for myself as well, and always kept the secret, until my later years when I had more knowledge. I still have my journals from childhood, with many pages of small, fearful me, writing about experimenting with such things, but always being mindful of being found out. I wish I’d have realized sooner people would only think I was nuts, and I didn’t need to worry about being trapped in a lab ;) We weren’t aliens after all, just women who found their power again.
For the rest of that camp, Tara taught me to meditate, connect with the earth, and manipulate energy. We were always off doing our own things, whispering conversations and secrets others wouldn’t understand. That summer changed my life, and I think about Tara a lot, I always hoped I’d reconnect with her someday.
As I grew older and kept writing about this in my journals, the need to tell someone and not be so alone grew. I needed someone to understand. I remember once, and only once, I tried talking to my Dad about it. I told him some things I could do, and he stopped cooking, looked at me, very calmly, and said “You know, it’s a family thing, your Grandmother used to be able to bend spoons, but then got into church and got scared of it, now she doesn’t and we don’t talk about it anymore”. I tried to ask more questions, but he wouldn’t let us keep talking about it. Problem here is, my pops is a pathological liar, so whether this is truth, or him being him, I’ll never know. I tried bringing it up years later, but he wouldn’t talk about it then either. He either pretended he didn’t know what I was talking about ,or really didn’t remember that conversation we had, I’m not sure which is the truth.
Later I tried telling my Mother. I told her about the shadow man in a hat, with the collar of his trench coat flipped up, who would walk around my room at night, or stand outside the door. I told her how I’d walk into my playroom and see my Barbies stand up on their own, spin, then fall back down. I told her I heard things fall off my bookshelf but nothing was there, or sometimes there was a book on the other side of the room. She told me she didn’t believe me. I didn’t think she did for years. Finally the day we moved out of that house, when I was older, she told me the truth. Two people actually died in that house. She took me through the home and showed me the bullet holes through the house. A few in the kitchen, another in the living room, back to my playroom and bedroom, then finally one more in my Mother’s room, underneath the light on the ceiling. The story was, a couple lived there, the man was an angry drunk, a family member of the landlord we rented from. He got angry (over what I don’t remember) and chased his wife (or girlfriend, unclear, landlord didn’t like talking about it for obvious reasons.) through the house with a gun, shooting at her, starting in the kitchen. She ran to get out through my room and the playroom (there was an exit door to the porch here, the house was like a loop) but didn’t make it, she died in my playroom, the man then went into my Mother’s room, sat on the edge of the bed, and put the gun in his mouth, committing suicide, thus the bullet hole straight up in the ceiling, and why it was now covered by a ceiling light.
So, clearly, this house was kind of a hot spot, with a lot of bad energy, but somehow I was never scared, nothing ever tried to hurt me there. (Also, I like to point out I think this energy was made worse by the fact that my landlord very sadly allowed KKK meetings to be held in our backyard in the 50′s, I found a sign saying “KKK Whites Only” and two hoods buried in the leaves while playing back there as a child. Our landlord was old, Southern, and unfortunately racist and behind the times.)
More interesting, my sister and her boyfriend moved into that house immediately after my mom and I left moved. I was thrilled to hear she also experienced activity while living there (tweezers flying from the bathroom sink, into the living room, things being ‘misplaced’, moving on there own, strange sounds). We both noticed the activity seemed worse around a particular time of year, I believe it was in the winter around Christmas, our theory was always that maybe that’s when the murders occurred.
Fast forward to the new house, starting in 6th grade I began attending a Christian school, it was here I learned that many things I and others could do, weren’t “magick” at all, but spiritual gifts. Christians like to leave spiritual gifts out of the conversation, and pretend they are no longer around, but they are. Prophecy, healing, speaking in tongues, intuition, these and more are all discussed in the Bible, and given by God, but we see them being condemned by the same faith, and these healers, being called witches by their own people. In 6th grade I was having many confusing and strange things happen to me. The ghost encounters were stranger, the dreams more vivid and true, I always knew things I shouldn’t, and felt like I was being watched and followed. I saw deceased family members and animals. I was a bit of a hub for ‘strange’, but didn’t know what to do to control what was happening around me, or even if I could. I knew I needed to talk to someone but I didn’t know who. After revealing all this to a close friend, she said maybe I should talk to our Headmaster about it. I decided it was the best option. I remembering crying in his office, because I was ‘scared I was a witch’ and I thought I was going to hell for being ‘sinful’, or worse, maybe I was just nuts. I told him about Tara, and spilled my guts on what I've been doing. He hugged me, and told me I wasn’t bad, or sinful, that instead, God wanted me to do these things, and they were in the bible. It was the first I'd heard of this. I left that day feeling recharged, confident.
Since then I’ve learned ‘witch’ wasn’t a bad word at all, I also wasn’t nuts, or alone. As I grew into my own I realized I’d best be classified as an ‘eclectic witch’, meaning I am eclectic in my practice and pull from various sources and cultures to create magick that is completely my own. I’m a unique blend of intuition based magick, Celtic witchery, Buddhism, kitchen witchery and everything in between. However I do like to point out that NO I am not Wiccan ;) Wicca I consider to be a religion of Witchcraft and it’s not for me; I like to clarify as it’s one of the most asked questions witches get, especially when people aren't familiar with the differences of religion or spirituality and the variations of witches and witchcraft.
(I’d like to briefly point out here that RELIGION and WITCHCRAFT/ SPIRITUALITY or ENERGY WORK do NOT have to go hand in hand. Spirituality is not always a religion to people, but it can be. Witchcraft is not a religion, but it can be! this all depends on YOUR practice. I am a practicing witch, but consider my ‘religion’ to be spirituality. I would not say my craft is my religion or a religious belief, I see it as energy work, which I find to be rooted in electrical workings of the earth, which is science to me.)
As for what I specifically believe, I’m all over the place and open to many ideas and theories on that as well. I don’t call myself a Christian any longer, as I don’t wish to be associated with their beliefs, but I do still believe in the Christian God and Jesus, and some of the bible, but I have LOTS of thoughts about all of it. Also I’d be a hypocrite Christian, as I have reached out to or felt a call by other Goddesses/Deities, and been answered. Kali Ma, Hekate, Freya, Kwan Yin, Persephone, The Morrigan, just to name a few favorites.
I don’t have an explanation for this yet! I also accept I may never have that answer until I’m dead. I believe in God, the universe, aliens, that dragons existed, I believe in the Fae, in myths and legends, manifestation, energy work, I believe everything may have some truth, I believe in many things, with many theories on all of it. I’m open to the idea of past lives, as I’ve had strange experiences myself; But at the end of the day, all I am 100% certain on, is that when I pray, work with energy, or put out into the universe, things happen that I cannot explain. Whether it is God answering, The universe answering, or If God and the universe are on the in the same, I don’t know! and don’t claim to know. I just know I am heard, and it works. I’ve just seen things that have no explanation, both light and dark, and all I know, is that more exists in this world that what we can see and put our hands on. I don't claim to have all the answers or know everything, and I think anyone that does is frankly, full of shit. I find myself thinking of new theories and ‘what if’s’ on a regular basis, and it would be nothing but arrogance and ego for me to claim I know everything I’m talking about. Part of the craft, is learning as we go, and never having all the answers. If someone claims they're all-knowing, then they're no witch. So I’d like to make it clear, that while I’m not a beginner, I’m also by no means an expert, and I am always learning, and evolving, as every witch should.
I notice all the Goddesses I am called to have similar themes, sometimes I wonder if they’re all the same energy, just with different faces for each culture. I also know of many Gods who have a ‘rose after three days’ story. I wonder if these too could perhaps be the same God? I wonder if God even has a sex? Is there really Gods/Goddesses or is it sexless energy? or energy combined with power from both sexes? I believe not being set in one way or another allows me to keep my mind open and see things and theories from all angles.
So now in my practice, I pray, I manifest, I meditate, I look to Goddesses for inspiration and strength, I stay focused on putting good out into the universe, and not bad. I practice candle magick, manipulating energy, I work with runes, tarot and other forms of divination. I sage my house, work with astrology, crystals and crystal grids and do my spellwork by the moon, and celebrate my Sabbats on the wheel of the year. My beliefs and practice are simple, yet complicated, just like I too am a paradox.
I hope this explained a little more about my background and beliefs, for more, check out my neck blog post “What ‘Witch’ Means to Me”, as I explain why I call myself such, and what ‘witch’ even means!
For more witchy goodness and self care tips, be sure to check out my Instagram page that connects with this blog @selfcarewitchxo
Forever your sister witch,
~ Faye ~
#witchcraft#feminist witch#witch#telekenesis#spiritual gifts#manifestation#lightwork#energywork#supernatural#ghosts#hauntings#paranormal#ghost story#selfcarewitchxo
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I am being ignored by people in this fandom what should I do? I send people asks and they ignore me. Please help
Hey there, buddy! I’m sorry to hear you’ve been having difficulties communicating with other people. Communication can be a difficult and complicated thing! I don’t know your particular situation communicating with other people in the fandom, so I’m going to go through a variety of things, and hope that some of my comments may help below.
Sometimes if people don’t respond, it’s not because you did anything wrong. Sometimes all it will take is a little more waiting. The people we’re talking to on the other end can’t always answer in a timely manner. Some people might not be online often and respond to asks slowly. Some people might be going through irl circumstances that keep them away from the computer. Other people might have a LOT of asks in their inbox and can only respond so fast - what looks like them talking to other people “instead of” you might just be them trying to get through lots of messages and not getting to yours yet. Some people might have accidentally forgotten about your ask in their inbox. Some people might have accidentally lost your ask in the midst of other things in their inbox. Waiting with patience for someone to respond in their appropriate time can sometimes be the solution.
I know one reason people might not respond fast is because they don’t have social energy at the time (if you’re familiar with spoon theory, what I mean is moments when people lack “spoons”). If a person feels socially exhausted - even if they’re online and reblogging things - they won’t have the energy to talk to someone. I have this happen to me a lot and I have to wait to respond at a later time. Sometimes responding to different people event takes a different amount of energy - for some people, it’s less energy to talk to other introverts, or to other people they know, or about certain topics than others. It might look like ignoring on the outside, but once you find out the person’s lack of energy, it turns out that they would like to respond but can’t. I always like to take people with the healthy benefit of the doubt, understanding that there could be many reasons why I haven’t heard from them - not jumping to conclusions it’s because they’re against me in particular. That’s usually not the case. Usually they’re not ignoring me, usually they don’t find anything wrong with me, and usually there’s something going on with their life that means they can’t respond yet.
Other times people might not respond on social media if they’re not familiar with you and/or aren’t comfortable talking to strangers online. Some people may be socially awkward and not know how to respond. Others might not feel gripped with a started conversation online and decide not to respond to your greeting. Some people just might not be interested talking with you. It’s not that they’re necessarily ignoring you, so much as enjoying social media in their own way, and picking-choosing conversations they think might go well. It’s okay not to interact and engage with everyone you come across online. We can’t be forced into every conversation with every person every day every time something happens… we do have the right to be selective in our responses. Not everyone can handle everything thrown at them (it’d be an overwhelming inundation). And no one should be FORCED into a social interaction. Sometimes messaging another person is a hit-or-miss about whether or not they’ll respond - not because they’re ignoring you, but because of what type of interactions that person prefers on social media.
All of this is to say you might not be doing anything wrong and they might not be doing anything wrong! yet. There may (I hope!) be nothing wrong.
Another thing that may be worth considering is analyzing how you come across. Again, I don’t know your situation, but this is something that happens a lot on social media platforms: we mean well when we talk to someone but it “comes out wrong.” If it comes out wrong, we can accidentally make a bad impression that makes people less likely to respond to us. Given that online we’re only talking through text, we lack body language cues and voice cues to let people know how we feel - which means that our words are all the more likely to be misinterpreted or unintentionally “rub wrong” or raise “red flags” to someone else.
Things that might make people uncomfortable with an ask or PM (and thus, they won’t respond) include:
Overly emotional messages. This is especially so for negative emotions, though positive emotions (like being over-the-top sappy) can sound creepy or uncomfortable if written wrong, too.
Sending too many messages in a short time span and sounding clingy. If someone doesn’t respond and you keep sending more stuff to get them to pay attention to you, that’s stifling and can give some red flag warnings for bad social interactions. That’ll drive them away and they’ll become wary of who you are as a person.
Sharing uncomfortable information that might be TMI. Not everyone is comfortable with all information. Check to see what types of conversations the blogger tends to have before sending messages that might be hard to handle.
Saying something that sounds drama-inducing. People know trolls want to incite others, cause drama, etc. If an ask sounds like it’s poking at sensitive topics or pointing fingers at the community, trying to sew discord in a fandom, people may steer clear of responding to these asks, or may respond to them negatively.
Sending messages from obvious throw-away side blogs you created just for the sake of being anonymous.
Sounding pedantic, cold, or unfeeling. What you might intend as straightforward fact-telling can sometimes sound like talking down. I’ve noticed sentences starting with “Actually,” for instance, tend to come off… wrong. It’s the issue of only having text to work with, not tone of voice.
Sending messages boldly disagreeing with someone else or speaking poorly of something that person loves. That’s ill will to the conversation recipient. It’s hurtful because it’s a conversation insulting what a person enjoys, spoken specifically to the person who likes that thing. They’re not going to want to make conversation with that. (I’m not talking about conversational sharing different opinions or viewpoints, I’m talking about stuff that’s more blunt-on-the-head “I don’t like this”).
This shouldn’t sound like a scary list. I’m not saying that anything you say could be construed wrong. Most messages are going to sound fine, but there are people who may unknowingly write things that fall into these categories and make their recipients uncomfortable. Their messages may be called “troll” messages because they come off so wrong. This is hopefully informative - for people who need it - about what sorts of messages can commonly come off sounding “wrong” in the inbox. We all need a learning curve when it comes with interacting with others, and sometimes how we send asks is part of the learning curve. I had to learn how to interact online myself - I think we’ve all been there at some point in time! And for some people, it’s easier for us to sense how we come off, than it is for others.
If it helps anyone: One way to sense if you’re falling into one or more of these “uncomfortable” categories I listed… is if LOTS of people respond to you in the same non-ideal ways (negatively, hostilely, angrily, not answering you, blocking you, warning others about trolls, etc.). It’s normal to have bad interactions here and there. It’s normal for not-everyone to like you. That’s okay and you’re not a horrible, hated, unloved person - not in the least! You’re beautiful.
One thing I do encourage you, whatever your situation may be, friend, is to not “push it.” As you may already understand, you can’t force people to interact with you. Trying multiple times to the same people to talk to you will dig a deeper hole and make things worse. I encourage a good sense of moderation and consideration for what the other side may feel.
I also encourage you and others to do your best not to worry and not to act on that worry! Sometimes it’s easy to be scared that things are going bad - and then imagination, depression, or anxiety get hold and make you think everything’s much more awful than the situation may actually be. It’s easy to fear a situation is crashing and burning when it’s not that bad in truth. It’s easy for us to think we’re unloved and hated - when in truth, others around us find something to treasure.
And even if things are hard now, that doesn’t mean they’ll always be hard. What might feel like isolation or being ignored now doesn’t mean it’ll always be this way. We can all find ways to interact healthily with the tumblr community. We can make positive connections with others in the fandom! It may take time, but we can all find a happy place in the community. The fandom is full of really cool and friendly people. I bet you’ve got some awesome and cool things about you, too!
Sending you the best of wishes! Take care, friend!
Another post that may be helpful for people going through social media struggles: [here].
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took a while but i finally got to that thing that @cgf-kat tagged me in!! <3
What is your total posted word count on AO3? (Go to your Works, then click Statistics.)
I have...741,803 words posted on ao3 (although i don’t think this includes drafts?? if not then add maybe 10,000 to 15,000 or so words?? and maybe another 10,000 for fics that are confined to tumblr for the time being??)
How often do you write?
i try my best to write daily, mostly in the evenings, and lately i’ve been successful. sometimes (either if i’m in a low motivation slump) i’ll write more sporadically
Do you have a routine for writing?
HMM i usually have to get to a point in my day where i feel like i won’t be interrupted frequently...which is why i usually delay my writing till after evening prayer or after the rest of my family goes to bed, because then it’s quiet and peaceful and i’m not going to have my parents asking me to do something at random. otherwise i don’t think i have a proper routine?? tbh i rarely even go back and read the last thing i wrote, except sometimes when i last stopped in the middle of a scene
What’s your favorite kinks/tropes/pairing?
Tropes: mutual pining, action/adventure (is that a trope or a genre??), friends to lovers, angst with a happy ending, hurt/comfort (with more comfort than hurt), slow burn (which tbh i can’t really write except as pseudo-slow burn where there are scattered scenes over a wide span of time), nonlinear plot/narrative (which is now funny to me because i recently learned my mother hates flashbacks in stories lol guess this means she’ll never read anything original i write ;_;)
Pairing: plance, undoubtedly which is probably why i forgot to answer this and had to go back and edit the post after publishing it lol
Do you have a favorite fic of yours?
oh gosh i’m actually torn between a few different fics?? so i’m going to categorize them:
Tidal Lockdown wins for most recent favorite and even if i could’ve done better with prose i’m really happy with the pacing and plot (and it was born of my desperate need to write action at the time married to the Concept of Lance affectionately calling Pidge a nerd while ignorant of her past with bullying). and of course i need to thank @rueitae for inspiring the plot lol
Growth is one i can go back to and still be interested in rereading (is that weird to say about my own fic??) and it’s also an oddly good pick-me-up if i get sad about the prospect of non-canon plance which is silly but here we are
Falling’s Not the Problem is like...it has a lot of cliches but it was probably my first Serious Attempt at post-canon plance and i’m still proud of it, despite its faults
Your fic with the most kudos?
Strangeness and Charm, which i’m not sure counts since it’s a collection of many short fics, so let’s go with A Slip of the Thumb
Anything you don’t like about your writing?
HMM i think i do poorly with prose and the internal thought processes of the characters, but i also think i’m improving?? also...i’m awful at sustaining my interest in my own stories. often if i don’t finish something in a few days i’ll drop it, either because i got captivated by a Shiny New Idea or because i got bored with the “old” one
sometimes i also read my writing and cringe at how often i use certain turns of phrase, and how simplistic my vocabulary can be
Now something you do like?
i think i’m good at writing dialogue!! which is funny because i’m awful at talking irl can my ability to write decent dialogue please translate to a glib tongue and good conversation skills please?? every time i’ve been eloquent irl was an accident, i swear
also i’m very conscious of pacing a plot and certain reveals?? i adore slow reveals and hate narration/exposition/excessive description so i try my best to balance that sort of thing and prefer to spoon-feed things, plants seeds of foreshadowing, stuff like that...at least in theory
***
okay this took me longer than it should’ve but...now i tag @alwaysinsonder, @vivalachocolate, @amillionsmiles, @nadiarizavi, @mistyhollowpro, honestly @ any writers that see this and get interested (tag me back <33)
#qna#reem writes fic#why did this take me like an hour#and i've had kat's post open for a few days too ;_;
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The Spoon Theory
By Christine Miserandino (all credit belongs to the author and the website linked below)
Taken from But You Don't Look Sick.
(I haven’t seen this around on Tumblr for a long time, so I’m reposting it. This was originally posted about chronic pain by a myriad of unseen disabilities (just as Lupis and the like) and mental illnesses, but it pretty much applies to all of us who have mental illnesses which complete drain us)
“Please take the time to read Christine Miserandino’s personal story and analogy of what it is like to live with sickness or disability. “
--
My best friend and I were in the diner, talking. As usual, it was very late and we were eating French fries with gravy. Like normal girls our age, we spent a lot of time in the diner while in college, and most of the time we spent talking about boys, music or trivial things, that seemed very important at the time. We never got serious about anything in particular and spent most of our time laughing.
As I went to take some of my medicine with a snack as I usually did, she watched me with an awkward kind of stare, instead of continuing the conversation. She then asked me out of the blue what it felt like to have Lupus and be sick. I was shocked not only because she asked the random question, but also because I assumed she knew all there was to know about Lupus. She came to doctors with me, she saw me walk with a cane, and throw up in the bathroom. She had seen me cry in pain, what else was there to know?
I started to ramble on about pills, and aches and pains, but she kept pursuing, and didn’t seem satisfied with my answers. I was a little surprised as being my roommate in college and friend for years; I thought she already knew the medical definition of Lupus. Then she looked at me with a face every sick person knows well, the face of pure curiosity about something no one healthy can truly understand. She asked what it felt like, not physically, but what it felt like to be me, to be sick.
As I tried to gain my composure, I glanced around the table for help or guidance, or at least stall for time to think. I was trying to find the right words. How do I answer a question I never was able to answer for myself? How do I explain every detail of every day being effected, and give the emotions a sick person goes through with clarity. I could have given up, cracked a joke like I usually do, and changed the subject, but I remember thinking if I don’t try to explain this, how could I ever expect her to understand. If I can’t explain this to my best friend, how could I explain my world to anyone else? I had to at least try.
At that moment, the spoon theory was born. I quickly grabbed every spoon on the table; hell I grabbed spoons off of the other tables. I looked at her in the eyes and said “Here you go, you have Lupus”. She looked at me slightly confused, as anyone would when they are being handed a bouquet of spoons. The cold metal spoons clanked in my hands, as I grouped them together and shoved them into her hands.
I explained that the difference in being sick and being healthy is having to make choices or to consciously think about things when the rest of the world doesn’t have to. The healthy have the luxury of a life without choices, a gift most people take for granted.
Most people start the day with unlimited amount of possibilities, and energy to do whatever they desire, especially young people. For the most part, they do not need to worry about the effects of their actions. So for my explanation, I used spoons to convey this point. I wanted something for her to actually hold, for me to then take away, since most people who get sick feel a “loss” of a life they once knew. If I was in control of taking away the spoons, then she would know what it feels like to have someone or something else, in this case Lupus, being in control.
She grabbed the spoons with excitement. She didn’t understand what I was doing, but she is always up for a good time, so I guess she thought I was cracking a joke of some kind like I usually do when talking about touchy topics. Little did she know how serious I would become?
I asked her to count her spoons. She asked why, and I explained that when you are healthy you expect to have a never-ending supply of “spoons”. But when you have to now plan your day, you need to know exactly how many “spoons” you are starting with. It doesn’t guarantee that you might not lose some along the way, but at least it helps to know where you are starting. She counted out 12 spoons. She laughed and said she wanted more. I said no, and I knew right away that this little game would work, when she looked disappointed, and we hadn’t even started yet. I’ve wanted more “spoons” for years and haven’t found a way yet to get more, why should she? I also told her to always be conscious of how many she had, and not to drop them because she can never forget she has Lupus.
I asked her to list off the tasks of her day, including the most simple. As, she rattled off daily chores, or just fun things to do; I explained how each one would cost her a spoon. When she jumped right into getting ready for work as her first task of the morning, I cut her off and took away a spoon. I practically jumped down her throat. I said ” No! You don’t just get up. You have to crack open your eyes, and then realize you are late. You didn’t sleep well the night before. You have to crawl out of bed, and then you have to make your self something to eat before you can do anything else, because if you don’t, you can’t take your medicine, and if you don’t take your medicine you might as well give up all your spoons for today and tomorrow too.” I quickly took away a spoon and she realized she hasn’t even gotten dressed yet. Showering cost her spoon, just for washing her hair and shaving her legs. Reaching high and low that early in the morning could actually cost more than one spoon, but I figured I would give her a break; I didn’t want to scare her right away. Getting dressed was worth another spoon. I stopped her and broke down every task to show her how every little detail needs to be thought about. You cannot simply just throw clothes on when you are sick. I explained that I have to see what clothes I can physically put on, if my hands hurt that day buttons are out of the question. If I have bruises that day, I need to wear long sleeves, and if I have a fever I need a sweater to stay warm and so on. If my hair is falling out I need to spend more time to look presentable, and then you need to factor in another 5 minutes for feeling badly that it took you 2 hours to do all this.
I think she was starting to understand when she theoretically didn’t even get to work, and she was left with 6 spoons. I then explained to her that she needed to choose the rest of her day wisely, since when your “spoons” are gone, they are gone. Sometimes you can borrow against tomorrow’s “spoons”, but just think how hard tomorrow will be with less “spoons”. I also needed to explain that a person who is sick always lives with the looming thought that tomorrow may be the day that a cold comes, or an infection, or any number of things that could be very dangerous. So you do not want to run low on “spoons”, because you never know when you truly will need them. I didn’t want to depress her, but I needed to be realistic, and unfortunately being prepared for the worst is part of a real day for me.
We went through the rest of the day, and she slowly learned that skipping lunch would cost her a spoon, as well as standing on a train, or even typing at her computer too long. She was forced to make choices and think about things differently. Hypothetically, she had to choose not to run errands, so that she could eat dinner that night.
When we got to the end of her pretend day, she said she was hungry. I summarized that she had to eat dinner but she only had one spoon left. If she cooked, she wouldn’t have enough energy to clean the pots. If she went out for dinner, she might be too tired to drive home safely. Then I also explained, that I didn’t even bother to add into this game, that she was so nauseous, that cooking was probably out of the question anyway. So she decided to make soup, it was easy. I then said it is only 7pm, you have the rest of the night but maybe end up with one spoon, so you can do something fun, or clean your apartment, or do chores, but you can’t do it all.
I rarely see her emotional, so when I saw her upset I knew maybe I was getting through to her. I didn’t want my friend to be upset, but at the same time I was happy to think finally maybe someone understood me a little bit. She had tears in her eyes and asked quietly “Christine, How do you do it? Do you really do this everyday?” I explained that some days were worse then others; some days I have more spoons then most. But I can never make it go away and I can’t forget about it, I always have to think about it. I handed her a spoon I had been holding in reserve. I said simply, “I have learned to live life with an extra spoon in my pocket, in reserve. You need to always be prepared.”
Its hard, the hardest thing I ever had to learn is to slow down, and not do everything. I fight this to this day. I hate feeling left out, having to choose to stay home, or to not get things done that I want to. I wanted her to feel that frustration. I wanted her to understand, that everything everyone else does comes so easy, but for me it is one hundred little jobs in one. I need to think about the weather, my temperature that day, and the whole day’s plans before I can attack any one given thing. When other people can simply do things, I have to attack it and make a plan like I am strategizing a war. It is in that lifestyle, the difference between being sick and healthy. It is the beautiful ability to not think and just do. I miss that freedom. I miss never having to count “spoons”.
After we were emotional and talked about this for a little while longer, I sensed she was sad. Maybe she finally understood. Maybe she realized that she never could truly and honestly say she understands. But at least now she might not complain so much when I can’t go out for dinner some nights, or when I never seem to make it to her house and she always has to drive to mine. I gave her a hug when we walked out of the diner. I had the one spoon in my hand and I said “Don’t worry. I see this as a blessing. I have been forced to think about everything I do. Do you know how many spoons people waste everyday? I don’t have room for wasted time, or wasted “spoons” and I chose to spend this time with you.”
Ever since this night, I have used the spoon theory to explain my life to many people. In fact, my family and friends refer to spoons all the time. It has been a code word for what I can and cannot do. Once people understand the spoon theory they seem to understand me better, but I also think they live their life a little differently too. I think it isn’t just good for understanding Lupus, but anyone dealing with any disability or illness. Hopefully, they don’t take so much for granted or their life in general. I give a piece of myself, in every sense of the word when I do anything. It has become an inside joke. I have become famous for saying to people jokingly that they should feel special when I spend time with them, because they have one of my “spoons”.
© Christine Miserandino
#long post#no credit belong to me#and all credit and copyright belongs solely to the author and website listed above
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