#I wish I could talk to him without blaming myself for feeling like I'm throwing my problems on him

[honanger]

sometimes I wish I could've done better

#I wish I could be a better partner #I wish I could shut up about being a system #I wish I could talk about something and not feel annoying for it #I wish I could take better care of myself #I wish I could delete all the others #I wish I could feel as I used to #I wish I could make him feel happy and loved and I wish I was loved back #I wish this wasn't such a fucking pain in my heart but it is and I hate it #I wish I could talk to him without blaming myself for feeling like I'm throwing my problems on him #I wish I could have someone who I actually love that actually loves me back #I wish life would allow me to be fucking happy for once #I wish I didn't want to die just because of something so stupid as feelings for some guy I met some days ago #I wish someone would switch with me and front in my place so I could suffer in peace #I wish I was happy #someone kill me please #I'm sorry #soap.txt

[madi-writes-things]

Nobody Pt. 8

(C.Sturniolo X Reader)

Summary:

Chris and Y/N never seemed to get along, but sometimes help comes from the most unexpected places

Word Count: 627

TW: Cursing, SH (not in detail, but it is talked about), Blood, Hurt Comfort, Panic Attack, Crying, Nightmare (basically the scene from chapter six, but Y/N actually dies 😈…), Not Edited

A/N: I promise it will get happier at some point... sorry it’s short, part nine will be longer 🤭

-Madi <3

“”“”“”“”“”

Chris’s POV (possibly triggering content)

I finally manage to bust the door down, the sight before me brings me to my knees.

nononononono…

Y/N is slouched over in a sea of red, is she breathing? Please be breathing…

I finally crawl over to her, pulling her face up towards me. Her glazed over eyes stare past me. “Baby, please don’t do this… don’t be gone… you don’t have to go… please-.” I pull her lifeless body into mine as I beg her to stay… I can’t do this without her. Every time I try to scream for help my voice fails me… so I just sit with her, praying this isn’t real. This can’t be real.

“”“”“”“”“”

My eyes shoot open when I feel someone shaking me gently. "It's ok... just a dream, it's not real."

I hear her voice before I see her face. When I finally register what is happening, it hits me like a truck. My hands quickly find their way to Y/N's face, making sure that the girl on top of me is actually real... she looks into my eyes like I'm some sort of a hurt puppy. I pull her into my chest, whispering sweet nothings into her hair as tears stream down my face. Once my breathing is under control, I readjust us so that we can go back to sleep.

“”“”“”“”“”

Y/N's POV

Chris's alarm wakes me up, I quickly throw my hand over to turn it off. When I finally allow my eyes to open I see Chris staring down at me, his arms wound tightly around my waist.

“What?” I giggle out, seeing his heart eyes.

“Nothing… just thinking about how lucky I am to be holding you right now.” I can tell that he means it, but a part of me still refuses to accept that anyone could actually love me… especially after what I’ve done. “What going on in that mind of yours?”

I sit up, trying to decide whether or not to bring it up. He just keeps staring, and I can’t stop myself from opening my mouth. “I know that the nightmares are my fault… you don’t have to lie about it.”

The look in his eyes changes from one of unconditional love into something more like horror. I watch him sputter and try to defend himself, and that’s when it hits me.

“I’m not angry…” His head snaps up to meet my eyes. “I just wish that you felt like you could talk to me.” No matter how hard I try, I can’t stop a few tears from rolling down my cheeks.

“Baby… it’s not that I don’t feel like I can talk to you, I just don’t want you to feel like any of this is your fault.” His hand quickly wipes away a tear, before returning his lap.

I burst into tears. “But it is! There is nobody else to blame. Matt can barely look at me, you are having nightmares multiple times a week… and it’s all my fault!”

“Hey!” I’ve never heard Chris raise his voice like this before. “You don’t get to talk about my girlfriend like that… none of what has happened to you is your fault. You have been dealt a shitty hand in life, but you are trying to make the best of it…”

Chris pulls me into his arms, rubbing my back. “Me, Matt, and Nick all have our own shit going on too… but you didn’t cause any of it. Matt has always struggled with his anxiety, and I’ve always struggled with nightmares and processing the things that I’ve gone through.”

I pull back to look into his eyes. “Do you really mean that?” He just nods, the hearts returning to his eyes.

“”“”“”“”“”

@unbruisable @bernardsbendystraws @sturniolo-fann @jnkvivi @stasiesturn

@h3arts4harry @slutforsturniolos

#madi writes things #chris sturniolo #chris sturniolo imagine #chris x reader #sh!reader

[never-enough-novels]

🧚‍♀️ iM a FaiRy ✨🌟🌸💮

Do it Grayson

Prompt: Reader's parents are fighting and they don't wanna be there so they ask Grayson if they can stay over.

Take your time, love

It's finally done bbg

A/n: im sorry if there are any mistakes in this. This was my first time writing anything like this 😭. I tried my best. Really hope you like this. It's also mostly very shit so I'm sorry beforehand

World limit: about 700 words

Tw: argument between parents, blaming yourself about it

Coffee and comfort

They're fighting again

On the same topic again

God I only wish they would just not shout so much. Or if they want to just not infront of me. Each accusation, each word spat to one another felt like it was my fault. I don’t even know why I think its my fault. The air itself was so thick it was suffocating. I tried sleeping it off but the shouting just went on and on and an like it was in my brain. I wanted to cry but couldn’t and it felt like a barb wire in my throat. As I lay on my bed, with the comfort of my favourite playlist playing in the background, the weight of the situation pressed down on me. Hands trembling I decided to call the one person I thought could provide me comfort right now: Grayson.

I reached for my phone, my fingers hesitantly hovering over his contact before pressing call. The phone rang briefly before his warm, familiar voice filled the line.

“Hey, love, everything okay?” Grayson’s voice was tinged with immediate concern.

Hearing his voice again tipped my emotions over the edge. I tried to cover my mouth and not cry so I don’t worry him any further; which obviously turns futile.

“Hamnah what happened? Talk to me love” he asked worriedly

“Can I please come over to your place? Theyre fighting again” I ask as quietly as I can without breaking down after hearing his voice

There was no hesitation on his end, just the comforting certainty of his reply. “Of course, come over. The house feels empty without you anyway.”

Disconnecting the call, I packed a few necessities into a bag, throwing in a book and my journal, knowing well that Grayson’s place was the only place where I could find peace enough to write. The drive over was quick, the familiar streets bathed in the soft glow of the streetlights leading me to his penthouse which was his safe place too.

As soon as he opened the door I was enveloped in a comforting hug which was the best thing in the world. We stayed in that position which felt like hours but could only have been a few minutes.

Grayson, cupping my face up gave me the most gentle kiss on lips and then asked “Are you ok Hamna? Wanna talk about it?”

Shaking my head I said, “I'd really rather not right now”

Nodding his head with a small comforting smile on his face he went into the kitchen while I situated myself on his bed; finally taking a deep breath and letting myself relax.

He comes back and hands me a glass of water and says “You know you’re always welcome here, right? This is as much your home as it is mine,” he said, his voice earnest.

I nodded, my heart swelling with gratitude. “I know, Gray. Thank you. It means everything to me.”

We spent the evening tucked away in his bedroom, watching movies that made us laugh and making me forget the harshness of reality of my home. Grayson held me close, his presence a shield against the outside world. It was moments like these that I was reminded of how much he meant to me,and how we came to be together and him being my boyfriend and safe space.

Later, while cuddling with his arm around my back and my head on chest, listening to heartbeats I decided to speak about what happened.

“I hate that you have to see this side of my life, I never wanted to show you this ” I confessed quietly, the darkness of the room and his presence making it easier for me to express my fears and feelings.

Grayson’s arm tightened around me, pulling me closer. “Hamna, we all have our battles. But you’re not alone in this, okay? I’m here for you, no matter what.” His words, feeling sincere and reassuring, helped the tightening around my cheat and throat.

“I love you, Gray,” I whispered, feeling his kiss on my forehead in response.

“I love you more,” he said back, a line so simple yet profound, promising unspoken vows of support and everything I could wish for.

As I drifted off to sleep, the echo of my parents’ shouting seemed like miles away. Here, in Grayson’s arms, I found more than just a temporary escape; I found a promise of hope and a reminder of his love for me.

#grayson x reader #grayson davenport hawthorne #grayson hawthorne x desi reader #the brothers hawthorne #the hawthorne vault #the grandest game #grayson hawthorne #the inheritance games #the hawthorne legacy #the final gambit #grayson hawthorne x reader #jameson winchester hawthorne #jameson hawthorne #nash westbrook hawthorne #nash hawthorne #xander blackwood hawthorne #xander hawthorne #avery kylie grambs #avery grambs

[crescentmoonlupin]

If you need help, I'm here to listen..

There are days that are easier than others. When you have depression, you tend to feel like the world is against you and it just feels like a constant battle that no matter how hard you fight, how much experience you have with it, it just never seems to be enough to throw at the problem. And of course, giving up is never ever an option cause once you do, the monster you are battling just gets bigger. Bigger to the point you just must live with the drooling, foaming beast.

I’ve had depression for a number of years, as of 2024, it’s been about 14 years since I was originally diagnosed, but about 17 since it first manifested itself within my mind. It's never been an easy beast to live with. I’ve tried destroying it by destroying myself. I held it down, but the bubbles never stopped coming up. I tried to drown it in sex, making it seem like the reason I was upset so much was because I was alone and needed the company to get me through, I cut myself so I could hold some sort of “control” over it but, of course that never works. Eventually it becomes an addiction that you don't realize you started, and it takes everything in you to stop. Years even.

To this day, I am still self-destructive. Some days, I wish I could still continue hurting myself, but I know its counterproductive, it’ll never solve anything. It just hurts everyone else who happens to catch it when the wounds are fresh. Cutting myself didn’t make me feel better in the sense I thought it would, it just gave me a false sense of control over something I didn’t have control over. The chemicals in my brain didn’t do what they were supposed to when they were supposed to, and I suffered the consequences.

I wanted to blame everyone else for my problems. My mother, my father, my stepparents. Sisters. Everyone who wasn’t me. “You made me do this!” I’d say, when really, I was the one who put the razor or knife to my skin and pulled. I made it count, I counted every mark, and it’s not a pretty number. Not only did I cut but I carved words into my skin, so I would remember why I did it in the first place. So many initials. Failure. Perfect. HIT ME! I’M NOTHING! Sorry :] Smile. And the list goes on from there. Now it’s just a bunch of scars.

I’m not ashamed of them, and I don’t really regret them, they’re part of me and it was what I thought I needed at the time, ultimately, I was wrong in the end, but teenagers never listen, do they?

I do wish I could go back though, and just talk to myself. Tell myself it does, eventually, gets better. That things do start going right, years down the road. That it’s not worth it to be so angry all the time, and to learn to love myself sooner so I didn’t have t struggle as badly as I am now at almost 30, because yes, we do make it past the age of 18, as surprising as that is for me to even believe to this day. Eventually we meet a man who loves us in his own special way, and we have the most beautiful son to raise together. And he loves that little boy as if he was made from his own blood. He reads him bedtime stories and helps him learn to walk. He teaches him to ride a bike and plays in his sandbox with him, the one he made him for his second birthday.

Things do get better, but you have to fall down so you can get back up, so you can grow up the way you need to, because it is necessary. Because as soon as you heard that little boy’s heartbeat for the first time, you know, you just knew, that everything was going to change and you knew that you would do anything for him, even if it meant changing everything so he could grow up better than you did. So, he can go farther than you ever got. So, you can make sure he is actually stable and doesn’t have to recover from his childhood. Make sure he is okay and knows he is heard.

I just hope I’m doing the right things when it comes to that little boy because I don’t know where I’d be or who I would be without him. There’re days where I struggle and all I want to do is to curl up into a ball and cry till I fall asleep. But I have this little boy watching me every day and I just have to keep going to make sure he has everything he needs to grow into a respectable human and a caring man. Fight for what’s right but know when to step back as well.

#support #self harm #recovery #growing up #im here #ill listen #you are not alone #no matter what #seek help #you are enough #depression #cutting #cutter #you are loved #you matter

[romanarose]

Fucker Notices Everything: Holiday edition

Marc Spector X Fem!Reader

That’s right kids, observant Marc is back, simple bc I found myself doing this weird thing and I wish I had people in my life who cared enough to notice when I was spiraling. I’ll be okay. This too, shall pass.

Warnings: Eating disorder recovery, bulimia recovery, bulimia mentions, food restriction, negative self talk, feeling like you have to deserve food, weird digestive stuff, alcohol mentions,binge and purge cycles, references to forced throwing up,talk about getting drunk during holidays but it’s fun, brief mentions of sibling tensions but it’s all good, using alcohol to cope with family, a couple gross out jokes.

***************

January 1st.

You were hung over. Great. New Years Eve with your family had been a lot of fun, surprisingly, and a lot of drinking, Marc graciously driving you home and taking care of you all night and all morning. You had eaten sporadically throughout the day, little bits to not overwhelm your tummy, but after an afternoon nap with Marc, who was still asleep in bed, you wanted a snack.

Staring at the fridge, you propped your hand on a hip as you viewed your options. Lot of deserts, high salt and fat foods, and some left over roasted vegetables, which normally you loved, but god, just you want to eat pie. The holidays had gone significantly better than they usually did. Marc Spector, surprisingly, was a good barrier between you and family, directing conversation away from topics that would rile everyone up, helping you not engage when your siblings tried to pick a fight, and pulling you back when you tried to pick one in turn.

Without the high nerves that family events usually caused, you have eaten and drank happily, enjoying your mom and grandmas food and the drinks your uncle made, all of which had lead to you feeling fucking gross. The nasty side effects of your drinking a few nights ago hadn’t helped, triggering your mind back to the place it hadn’t gone in a while, a desire to eject everything inside you. You hadn’t throw up from alcohol today, as Marc had paced you last night, but you couldn’t help wonder if you ate the pie, you could throw it up and blame it on the hangover. It was hard to get anything past the fucker, but you could try…

You feel the fat on your hips. Fuck. You had definitely gained wait this week. You thought about the jeans you tried to put on for new years that wouldn’t button, and how Marc had stared at your ass in the leggings you wore, but it didn’t help calm your mind.

You give your sides a squeeze. No pie, no ham, no potatoes. No eating at all if you could help it. Another squeeze, this time on your stomach. You close the fridge. You don't need that.

“What was that?” Marc’s groggy morning voice called from the bed.

God fucking dammit.

"What was what, baby?" You feign innocence as your turn from the fidge.

Marc sat up, brow furrowed as he wipes the sleep out of his eyes. "You squeezed your stomach, then closed the fridge."

You try to hide the sigh, knowing that would only spur him on. "It's nothing honey, just a weird habit I have"

"No." He shook his head, standing up and coming towards you, looking concerned. "I know all your weird habits. Popping zits in the mirror and leaving the puss for me to clean up is a wierd habbit" He smiled, softly. "Sniffing your right armpit and making a disgusted face as though you didn't know it would smell like that is a weird habit"

"Ew, baby" You giggle.

He took your shoulders, looking at you intently. "That, that was deliberate. What were you doing" He looked like he knew the answer.

You groan, conceding. "Don't make me say it"

He looked sad. "You were convincing yourself not to eat, weren't you?"

Pausing, you close your eyes and nod, a few tears starting to sting at your eyes. "I'm sorry" Your voice cracks at the confession.

"Oh, baby" Marc takes you in his strong arms. "Why are you apologizing."

There was no stopping the crying now. "You didn't sign up for this, I was doing better."

"Didn't sign up for what?" His tone was soft, but confused.

"A girlfriend with an eating disorder" You broke down in sobs.

Marc let you cry for a moment, rubbing your back. When you calmed down a bit, he spoke. "Baby, you told me about you're eating disorder on our third date when you still refused to eat in front of me, and I made my decision then and there that I would stick with you no matter what. I signed up for all of it on day three, okay? I love you, and I'm very sorry you're hurting right now. Can you tell me if you know what triggered it? Did your dad say something?"

Your dad was known for making comments about your weight ever since you were going through puberty and no longer looked like a stick. Although you knew it wasn't realistic to blame an entire life-threatening eating disorder on your daddy issues, you hadn't even considered your body like that until his first comment was made.

"No... it's started when I was getting dressed and wanted to wear my favorite jeans... they didn't fit..."

Marc pulled back to looked at you. "The ones with all the holes and bell bottoms? They fit you just fine two weeks ago when we went to the movie?" You had taken Steven to see the new Avatar movie. He was the only person you knew who was actually excited about it, so you had surprised him with tickets. Marc looked you up and down with a cocked eyebrow. "They fit you real well"

You smile finally, giving his arm a little push. "Yeah, until I gained weight over the holidays” Between multiple days of Hanukkah with Marc's dad, and Christmas and new year's with your family, there had been a lot of calories.

"Baby..." He chastised softly. "You did not go up an entire pant size in two weeks"

"But they didn't fit!"

His strong hands moved to cup your face. "Honey, you are bloated. I am too" He patted his lil tum tum you loved so much. How could you love it on him but not yourself?

Your frown still. "I seem to be a whole lot moreso"

He laughed your name out ever so slightly. "You are lactose intolerant, and you've been drinking a fuck ton of spiked eggnog. It's a wonder you haven't shit your pants yet."

"Marc!" You slap his arm and laugh, feeling better.

Gifting you with a gentle but passionate kiss, he gestured to the fridge. "Now, I won't make you eat anything you don't want to, but we have lots of good food, or I can cook you up something, if that's better?"

You consider for a moment, your hand inadvertantly going to squeeze your side again, but Marc grabbed it, stopping you. You decide. "Maybe we can have some of the left over veggies first, then pie?"

"Ah!" He grinned. "Genius." Marc pulled you in for another huge, kissing your head. A pause of hesitation "And... sweetheart?" Marc sounded nervous; a bit more uncertain than the self-assured mask he tended to wear.

"Yes, my love?" You encouraged him, never wanting him to feel like he had to hide anything this you.

He sounded borderline scared as he finished his request, concerning you. “Can we… maybe keep the bathroom door… can we not shut it all the way… for a few days?”

You realized that he was, in fact, scared. Scared for you. Of you relapsing. If was your turn to reassure him. "Yes, baby, of course. Thank you for always protecting me."

*********************

Thanks for reading <3 I've been a bit out of my schedule. When I was in school and worked, I know what I'd eat and where. Right now, however, I'm all over the place with scheduling and it's throwing off my eating. I'll forget to eat all day and then binge, or eat several large meals... Idk, it's throwing me off. I'm serious when I said my eating disorder was life threatening, and an essential part of recovery for me was a regular eating schedule.

I have also been struggling with sleep. IDK what it is, but I am usually an incredibly sound sleeper. Like I am fall asleep anywhere and stay asleep (I've fallen asleep some strange places). My mom says she noticed I'll just fall asleep in one position and just. Stay exactly like that. Lately I wake up shivering bc my blankets are gone. I must be tossing and turning at night. I havn't had the nightmares in a while and I really really hope they dont come back bc they just retraumatize me all over again. I think the bad sleep is fucking things up for me...

anyway, I hope everyone had a good holiday season. It's easy for me to say don't worry about your weight, but it's hard in reality to practice. Just remember that the weight you feel is probably just bloating or a temporary bit of gain. Once you are back in your schedule, you'll probably go back to your normal. I love you.

tagging some homies I love.

@my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction @howaboutcastiel @kittyofalltrades @welcometostayingawake @in-between-the-cafes @juneknight @jake-g-lockley

#marc spector #marc spector reader #marc spector fluff #Marc Spector Angst #Marc spector hurt comfort #moon knight fanfiction #moon knight #moon knight fluff #marc spector needs a hug #marc spector x reader #marc spector you #marc spector moon knight #oscar isaac #tw eating disorder #eating disoder trigger warning #bulimia trigger warning #bulimia

[horangkwon]

⭐ Veintiocho: I'm so fucking stupid.

wc: 900.

ㅤ

ㅤ

Sweat ran down the tired girl’s face as she crouched under the scorching sun, her pruning shears were moving carefully between the branches of the big bush, making clean cuts here and there to slowly but securely fill her basket with beautiful, white roses.

—That should be enough— the voice of her coworker cut trough the empty silence, startling her and almost making her drop the delicate flowers; he had been so silent the entire time that it made the girl forget he was even there. —Have you thought of what to say to Jisun?—.

—Of course not— Jiwon sighed, sparing a melancholic glance at her basket —I wish giving her flowers was enough of an apology— and oh, that could have totally been the case if only her friend knew how she had lived through plenty of sleepless nights since their fight, tormented by guilt and regret. The SVT group was falling appart for the lack of communication and she was the only one to blame; tension was so high between her and the rest of the members that it was impossible for her to bring up the topic of their unfinished project into a conversation without feeling like throwing her phone out the window, or burying it uner the roots a palm tree.

Jiwon felt truly sorry, she really did, but how was she supposed to let her message across?

—I know it’s difficult— Wonwoo spoke again, fixing his glasses in a way that reminded her of an anime character… or a therapist, either could be of huge help right now —But I think you’re being too practical— he picked up his tools and gestured for her to follow him back inside —Apologies are supposed to carry emotions, you should stop thinking too much about it and just be honest about how you feel—.

—But what if I don’t know how I feel?— Of course, she felt bad for making Jisun sad, but even after giving it much thought, she still had not found what could have been the reason behind her friend’s behavior —How am I supposed to apologize if I have no idea what I did wrong?—.

—So what you’re saying is… you don’t want Jisun to be mad at you, but you can’t think of a reason for her to be mad at you?— Wonwoo frowned, neatly storing all the tools into their respective cabinets. It was safe to say that he was the most organized staff member, not even once had he misplaced a gadget with the help of a careful and practical system that made organization easy.

Jiwon nodded, an identical frown adorned her concerned face —She literally got mad at me because I decided to keep my private life to myself… Is that so wrong?—. The sudden memory of Chan telling her about how he had found Jisun crying hit her like a truck, making her head spin, nothing was making sense and it was slowly making the team leader go insane —Am I really a bad friend for keeping secrets? I bet she does too…— she mumbled to no one in particular, playing with her nails out of habit.

—Are you sure there’s nothing else?— Wonwoo sat in the only bench of the storage room, expecting a long conversation to unveil. He was used to playing the role of The Listener, as all of the staff members coincidentally opted to ask him for advice or to merely vent their worries; he took pride in being the pacifier of the Caratland Hotel and was more than happy to offer a hand... or an ear.

Jiwon hesitated before taking a seat beside him, because she was not sure whether she had enough time to waste before Jisun was done with her shift. —I guess she could be upset because I indirectly told her that I only see them as teammates and not close friends…— she recalled, and almost dropped the basket after realization hit her. She hated trucks so much. —I’m so fucking stupid—.

—Yes, yes you are—.

—Why did I even say that?!—.

—You were probably under too much stress… At least you realized your mistake, that’s the most important thing—.

—Cool, now I’m too embarrassed to talk to her— Jiwon left the basket on the bench and hugged her knees, burying her face between her arms —I’ve known her for years, but I never took our friendship seriously because I thought that we would go our separate ways in the end— she sniffed, her voice was a trembling mess and tears threatened to spill from her eyes anytime soon —It was her idea to work together, she recruited all the members in the first place, and I always thought that she just wanted to have good grades, but now I see that she actually pictures a future where all of us can work together, even after graduation, and…— her cries interrupted the speech, her heart ached so bad, it was suffocating, but at the same time it was so relieving.

Wonwoo sighed and handed her a tissue —I guess you know what to do now— Jiwon nodded, sniffing a few more times and sanding up again —Good luck—.

—Thank you, for everything— the girl held the basket once more with her trembling hands and bowed with her head slightly —I’ll get going then—.

ㅤ

❝⭐Five Dollars and a Dream.❞

Soonyoung's plan was perfect: get a degree in contemporary dance, upload covers on YouTube, perform on the streets, ???, become rich, and live in a gigantic mansion with a family of tigers. Well, there might be flaws in his logic, but his passion (and a lucky encounter) will push him to make his dreams a reality.

Previous ⭐ Masterlist ⭐ Next

⭐ Taglist: @mitchieki @rubberduckieyourtheone @winterwallacehenderson @brook0310 @merapehlapyaarwaapasaagaya @minhui896 @raely-study @strawberry-svt (Send and ask to be added<3)

#hoshi #hoshi smau #kwon soonyoung #seventeen #seventeen angst #seventeen fluff #seventeen hoshi #seventeen x reader #hoshi angst #hoshi fluff

[timeoverload]

Well I have a lot to say at the moment. I have had the itch to write this all day but I couldn't because I was very busy at work. First of all, I apologize for my antics the past week. I'm still a little upset about what happened yesterday but I realize that some of that was my fault. Maybe I'm not being patient enough. I'm sorry if I ruined anyone's day. I'm definitely not as angry as I was last week and I was in a great mood all day despite being extremely stressed.

I was such a mess yesterday. I was so uncomfortable and I really don't want to go out by myself again. I wish I enjoyed doing that but I never have. I guess that's just the way I am. I was really looking forward to seeing you but I understand why you weren't there. I'm not planning on responding to any more indirect requests from anyone asking me to show up somewhere. I'm not going to keep subjecting myself to that anxiety if nothing is going to come out of it. I think I should have proven myself by now.

Another thing that triggered me while I was there was seeing someone that I used to be close to. There was a guy I went to high school with in one of the bands that played and we were good friends for a while. We had a very brief fling but literally nothing ever happened between us because I was acting psycho and that lead to the end of our friendship. It was definitely for the best because I treated him very poorly even though he was very kind to me. I knew that he wasn't the one for me. It seems like he is doing well now and I am happy for him. I don't think he recognized me but that's ok with me. Seeing him reminded me of how terrible I was in high school and I don't think I realized at the time how crazy I was acting. It brought back a lot of bad memories. He isn't the only person I acted that way towards. I was such an asshole and I did a lot of crazy shit back then that I would never do now. I'm not surprised that I don't have any friends left from high school.

I had a tough time keeping friends back then because of my behavior too. I was going through a lot of traumatic shit so that didn't help. I also used to be more of a risk taker too but I think a lot of that was due to mania. I didn't make the best decisions. I can't blame everything on my mental illness but it didn't help that I was not properly medicated for that until I was 24 or 25. I'm really surprised that I only got in trouble once in high school and it was for smoking cigarettes. I got pretty lucky I think. I have learned a lot since then and I think that I'm a much better person than I used to be.

Anyway, I also drank too much too quickly yesterday without eating so that was a stupid decision. I was fine though and I didn't throw up so I'm happy about that. I don't remember the drive home but I didn't have any issues. I'm glad it wasn't dark outside. I am never doing that again and I feel horrible about it since that is against my morals. It is very irresponsible. I know better and it was still scary.

I remember my mom driving drunk with me in the car all the time when I was a teenager. She would pick me up after school and she would usually be late because she had already been drinking or was hungover. Almost every day she would stop at walmart when we were on our way home so she could buy more $3 garbage wine. Then when we got home, I had to help watch my brother and sister and help with dinner so she could go sit in the garage. She would sit out there for hours and talk to herself while she was chain smoking and drinking. She would usually have at least 1 bottle of wine every night. I remember she would go to the bar at night and drive home drunk frequently. She hit mailboxes and other unknown things with her car. I remember waking up in the morning and looking out my window to check to see if she had parked in the yard again because it happened several times. We lived in a pretty nice neighborhood so that looked really bad. She got several DUI's and I'm thankful she never hurt anyone. I'm glad she doesn't have a car now because she can't be trusted with one. I don't want to end up like her but I also know I wouldn't let myself get to that point. I also lost a friend I met in high school because she was on her boyfriend's motorcycle with him and he was drunk and they got in an accident. He lived but she didn't and it was very sad. She was such a sweet person and I'm glad I got to spend time with her. It's hard for me to think about.

After I got home last night, I didn't drink that much more and I ate some food. I didn't want to do anything otherwise. I had no interest in being on the computer. I was upset and not in the right state of mind to be on here. I wanted to watch tv because I haven't in a long time so that's what I did. It was nice. I wanted to distract myself because I was not looking forward to today.

There were 75 cases all together on our side of the hospital. There was a lot going on. I had 16 cases this morning and 15 in the afternoon. There was a 45 minute delay around lunch time because there was an issue with the disposable sterile supply packs that come from the manufacturer. I'm not exactly sure what happened but it messed up the rest of the day and we were extremely behind. It was exhausting trying to catch up after that. The last case didn't get done until 6:20 so I didn't get out of there until 6:45. I was there 12 hours because I got there early this morning too. I think that tomorrow will be slower so that's good.

I am glad that I have Wednesday off but I'm also very anxious about it. I'm not going to be able to sleep in but I'm sure I will need a nap afterward so I should have time to do that. I am still looking forward to seeing you even though things haven't been going well recently. I know we will figure stuff out eventually and I need to stop worrying so much. Everything will be ok. I love you. 💖💖💖

I have been writing a long time and I know I'm going to continue going on tangents if I don't stop. I'm not going to have much time to relax tonight because I still have stuff to do. My right eye is also bothering me again too so I need to give it a break. I'm not sure why it hurts so bad and it has felt like something is in it all day. I have been wearing mascara more often so maybe that's the issue. Hopefully it feels better in the morning. I just ate dinner and now I have to get ready for bed. I really hope tomorrow is a better day.

I hope everyone else has a good day tomorrow too!!! :) Thank you for listening to me. 💖💖💖

#personal

[russilton]

I understand the point you're trying to make about George and homophobic comments but can you stop likening the very real oppression that Lewis is the victim of to some ignorant twitter comments on a white driver with a girlfriend?! Lewis is literally attacked in real-life by the kkk fanbase of that vile sport, ex champions throw around violently racist and homophobic slurs towards him without any pushback, stewards publicly wish for him to burn in his car (yes this has happened more than once), his literal championship was stolen to make space for their "great white hope" (in their words), other drivers have victim-blamed Lewis for years of racist abuse. This is the level of oppression that Lewis has dealt with in the sport, don't ever compare his situation to anyone else. I know you won't post this because white queers hate addressing their racism but you need to stop talking about Lewis if you insist on using him as a prop for your ship. You remind me of Barca fans who claim Gavi is oppressed due to sports heckling while a whole stadium chants racist abuse to Vini. In the wake of the discourse centering the racist abuse that black athletes face in Europe, it's asinine to compare a black athlete's situation with a white one. On that note, I have yet to see you speak up on the racism and homophobia that Lewis is subjected to, but you're always prepared to paint your cishet white fav as oppressed.

I spent a very long time trying to figure out how to answer this ask, most of the day if I'm honest, because while I’m always willing to learn, I also think some of the things you’ve said here just aren’t true, and the fact that I’ve made you feel that they are means I need to be clearer with what I’m expressing.

At no point did I ever, ever, ever intend for it to sound like I was saying what George is dealing with currently is anywhere close to what Lewis deals with on a daily basis. And I don’t think that’s what I said at all, but if it came off that way, it’s something I want to change.

For the sake of transparency, I've made an edit to the original post to clarify my point. I understand now it might have come away belittling to seem like I was equating a more isolated incident to something larger and much more complex, and I'm sorry for that, it was just the only incident I could come to at the time.

I’m not looking for anyone to come to my defence here, because I’d rather speak for myself, nor do I want to make it sound like I've never made mistakes. I've made plenty, on here included, and i've done my level best to change and listen. But if you believe I have never spoken about the racism Lewis faces, have you been around that long?

I talk about it often, and as blatantly as I can while also making clear that as a white guy, I’m not the voice that should be listened to, and that it’s better for me to promote POC speakers or link to them instead. I'm sorry you if it appears like I'm not doing it enough, Ive been trying to listen instead of speak, which is what i've been told to do in the past on here by other anons. When asks have crossed the topic, I've been blunt about the systemic racism in f1, and why it serves F1 to suppress Lewis' voice. But again, there is a limit to what I have said myself, because I don't think its right to make myself the centre focus, when it should be more informed voices.

The only reason it may seem like I do more speaking myself when it comes to homophobia around Lewis AND George, is that it's something I HAVE experienced firsthand, and can more effectively talk about. The vitriol Lewis faces for self expression and the homophobic stereotypes that pour out with it are things I've been open about before, and Lewis' own changing views on gender and gendered clothing are something I'm deeply proud of him for.

But i also need to say I want to be able to talk about multiple issues at once without it seemingly like one is standing over the other, or should detract attention. It's both true that Lewis faces abuse that the officials surrounding F1 and even Mercedes itself will sweep under the rug or belittle, AND that the torrent of Homophobic abuse George is facing needs to be addressed no matter his sexuality or relationship status due to the effect it'll have on his fans.

I care less about how George feels as someone who isn't routinely oppressed and able to easily access support, and more about how formula one continues to absolve fans of extremely bigoted behaviour under the umbrella of calling them a bad outliers rather than addressing the root issues of the sports own willing ignorance and allowance of hateful behaviours from stewards, marshals, team staff and even other drivers. It's not about how the drivers feel, but how minority fans are pushed out in favour of the toxic cesspool f1 has happily encouraged the growth of in order to rake in their money, rather than address. There is not a single f1 comment section on any team, or official social page i would willingly step into, because It is never anything but filled with the worst voices that f1 just.. ignores. Until they're booing Max Verstappen on track, and we're all demanded to be nicer to him, even as he continues to stoke the kinds of fans that have called me every slur in the book and told me to off myself. There is a reason I only interact with F1 on tumblr of all places, it is legitimately the only site I feel safe to do so.

I was a Lewis fan before I was a George fan, and I think I will always find a closer home in him than I will with any other driver. No driver has stood up quite as vocally for issues both close to home for me and issues the world over. No other driver has stuck his neck out the same way or made me feel quite as allowed into a traditionally cis het white space. I only became a motorsport fan because Lewis made me feel like there was a space for people like me.

#asks #anonymous #wank/rants #tw: racism #tw: homophobia #mark rambles #i think im going to turn anons back off again soon #i love being able to talk to everyone but this has been #detrimental to my mental health and is forcing me to lean too much on friends #and that's not fair for them #I’m afraid I can’t comment on the football comparisons #the only football I actively keep up with is ted lasso #I don’t know who gavi or Barca are

[the-lesbianest-batman]

My tears ricochet - Taylor Swift

This song is very johnlock to me. I will explain why in this post.

this is sherlock's pov. post trf.

We gather here, we line up

this would be sherlocks funeral. sherlock inadvertently attending

Weepin' in a sunlit room, and

he sees john cry. so why doesn't the sky cry too? good weather at funerals always seems unfair.

If I'm on fire, you'll be made of ashes too

he feels like he's burning alive from all the guilt, knowing that je inflicted this pain on john. he knows that this will burn john too. maybe it already has.

Even on my worst day, did I deserve, babe

All the hell you gave me?

this is sherlock not understanding why john got upset at him fir not doing menial houseworks. sure john was very patient to him but everytime he wasn't it really stuck out to sherlock.

'Cause I loved you, I swear I loved you

'Til my dying day

that's why sherlock jumped. because he loves john. he has to keep him safe.

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace

tbh this is first off because the fall was do graceful???? and also because sherlock couldn't actually do it, not actually kill himself. he chose the hard way out.

And you're the hero flying around, saving face

johns reputation wasn't affected. and he was always saving face, covering up sherlocks mistakes in social situation, making sure no-one saw them as a couple etc. sherlock sees john as the better man out of the two of them.

And if I'm dead to you, why are you at the wake?

john called him a monster. but he still came to the funeral, he still loves him, he's still in pain.

Cursing my name, wishing I stayed

"fuck sherlock, how could you do this to me?" john is standing at his grave, crying.

Look at how my tears ricochet

sherlock is hiding behind the tree. he's crying too.

We gather stones, never knowing what they'll mean

Some to throw, some to make a diamond ring

they were fighting against moriarty but they were also in love with each other.

You know I didn't want to have to haunt you

sherlock didn't want to die. he didnt want to haunt john. he had to.

But what a ghostly scene

yes this. this.

You wear the same jewels that I gave you

As you bury me

john still carries his love for sherlock with him. he's still affected by him. even when he buries him.

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace

he couldn't leave without seeing John one last time, at the funeral.

'Cause when I'd fight, you used to tell me I was brave

even when sherlock was at his worst, for example "i don't have friends!" "alone is what i have, alone protects me." john didn't leave. not entirely. never.

And if I'm dead to you, why are you at the wake?

he left him after the "alone protects me" but because he's ar the funeral sherlock knows he didn't fully leave.

Cursing my name, wishing I stayed

Look at how my tears ricochet

this is so fucking sad

And I can go anywhere I want

sherlock is now travelling the world (to bring down the network)

Anywhere I want, just not home

but he can't go back to london. back to john.

And you can aim for my heart, go for blood

and when he returns, one day, he'll gladly let john take his revenge

But you would still miss me in your bones

knowing that he loved him too.

And I still talk to you (when I'm screaming at the sky)

and he misses john so much. sometimes he just carries on talking to him, other times it's more active.

And when you can't sleep at night (you hear my stolen lullabies)

sherlock knows that john probably has nightmares about his suicide.

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace

sherlock couldn't just leave and turn his feelings off. sentiment is truly a defect.

And so the battleships will sink beneath the waves

but he's destroying the network.

You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same

john had to let sherlock go.

Cursing my name, wishing I stayed

but he's still wishing on his one last miracle.

You turned into your worst fears

john is bitter and grieving and alcoholic like his father and sister. he never wanted that.

And you're tossing out blame, drunk on this pain

sherlock knows john is probably descending into alcoholism because of the grief

Crossing out the good years

and that more and more john will forget all the good times they had together

And you're cursing my name, wishing I stayed

and he knows that john still wishes he'd come back. that his miracle would come true.

Look at how my tears ricochet

"I heard you", sherlock is crying at the other end of the world. "I heard you and I'm trying."

so yeah i hope you all go and add this to your johnlock playlists now.

#sherlock #sherlock holmes #john watson #johnlock #johnlocked #benedict cumberbatch #martin freeman #taylor swift #folklore #my tears ricochet #my tears ricochet johnlock

[gabrieldracoxlucifersatseraph]

I hear him play this gentle welcoming song that vibes love and kindness patience forgiveness warmth etc like ...

Come here and forgive me ill let you talk about all your big feelings and be good and faithful this time I promise I am so sorry..

But idk if its true if I'm crazy Adam gaslighted me so God damn much....

But you didn't lie when you told me what u and Adam did... he told me you were a lier...

So I yelled lier and pushed u away ...

You weren't mean this time you just softly said you will keep trying to find a way for me... you were gentle you held me.. we fucked.. I felt delusional and crazy

I asked Adam if I was.. I said am I being played rn? Am I just making shit up cuz that's what I wanna hear or happen or believe is that they care? ..he agreed it was probably that and the witch trying to tear me and him apart and spread seeds of lies and doubt

He only admitted later cuz I was going through his phone of Adam x lucifer pictures he was showing me and I seen something and I knew instantly and made him tell me and he said oh I was gonna yeah ONLY AFT4R YIU SAY THEY THREAT3NED YOU

Mfer smirking and being shitty to me as I purely tried to give him everything and love him thinking hopeful shitboncr again just to find dark shit now I want fucking no one yeah i said right? Oh nope here comes gabriel to fuck with my heart strings in Astral and give me the best time ever wtf man 😭

We both knew he'd you .. get in Adam to reach me..

That's the only time I didn't feel disgusted and sick asf like I can't even kiss the fucker I never could ..he's gross to me and he's fat yeah but that doesnt make him ugly and I know I'm attached cuz of everything but I know I don't want him he MAKES delta kid seraph confused needy want andnused our energies to lure me and weaken me.. ughhh

Now that i know it's yours I'd want out of him and would get so frustrated cus I wasn't getting it.. he's going crazy word salad mad.

Adam showed me a hurtful ss of What you said that set me off that final days ...

He told me not to tell u plz. So I didnt....

[How could I talk about it without outing him? Why tf protect that asshole ? I didn't wanna think of the pain of hurtful things behind my back ... it was too damn much]

And I still don't want to. I don't wanna see it

Maybe one day when I'm fucking okay...

Well guess what? He promised me he would let me gather myself so I could talk to you about shit FIRST in the best loving calm way possible ...and the fucker lied and went and did it while I was fucking asleep sick tired from the long drive and the pain of being torn once again from my person....

He was saying all this shit riling me up getting me freaked out and confused and feeling unsafe don't know who to trust

I see now that's what narcs do to control and distract you so u can't see wtf is going on.

It also keeps you in a dysfunctional state so you need them.. he made me sicker than I was and made me need him and then got mad at me for needing him and blew it out of reality acting like he's being slave driven when all we wanted was him to fucking respect my dad's wishes and clean up after himself ..we'd let shit go for WEEKS trying to be nice and he'd be a dick cold run over us etc dad told him not to lay his clothes ev3rywhere it's not that God damn hard and he continued and continued not giving a fuck cuz he knew we wouldn't kick him out...

He was like that before me and lied and blamed it all on Donald... others are sick of his bs too .. if u can walk out past your clothes and to the bedroom which u must past the washroom first you can grab ur sweaty pants and throw them in the wash wtf and he always word salad ran ignored went weird etc if you tried to ask him why and even try to find a root ground stand so we can help him help himself and us .. for him too. He wouldn't even do that. He said make a plan with me plan it so we did and he still wouldn't we had every damn right to be mad. I shouldn't have to hand hold a grown man and repeat myself a thousand times this is narc abuse and my friends have been helping me learn all their games and now he's throwing choas again because I'm onto him and he's losing control and hopefully you're seeing it too now ..cuz he said he showed it.

[nonbidiary]

Boogeyman, you're sad

I redownload the Facebook app on my phone. I haven't touched it in weeks. It was my primary source while working and connecting with the community while I was a news reporter.

The shell of that person, still friends with council members, the local mayor, multiple firefighters, and parents of children who died at some point between June 2018 and June 2021.

I decide it is time to update everyone on my life. Breaking news reporter at three USA Today papers in New York to an aspiring floral designer in Brooklyn.

Instead of a masculine person posing in photos with me, I share an image of my first girlfriend holding my hips as I wrap my arms around her neck and we dance on New Year's Eve.

A lot has changed. Except my father. I scroll down my feed after posting and see he created yet another Facebook profile that was recommended to me. His bio basically states he is the Boogeyman. Which is an improvement from when he used to only refer to himself as big daddy. *throws up*

I scroll on his page to see months of him posting images about how kids can't blame their parents for their own actions. This is hilarious to me because isn't that what he did?

I grew up without grandparents in my life. He isolated us from any kind of family around the time I was 6 or 7. My earliest memories of playing with my cousins stick in my brain because I've always loved community.

He said his parents would beat the shit out of each other, and he and his sisters were always worried about foster care. I really think he tried to put that fear into me and my brother, so we wouldn't confess at school what went on at home.

To the normal eye, this was a nuclear family living the dream. My parents owned a three-story house with an acre of land and a view of Pike's Peak in the distance.

My best memories at that house are when I'm too young to know about sex. Once that possibility showed up, my father stopped seeing me as his child and more as property. I remember sitting in the basement when he showed up and decided to give me the talk about my period. He says he was a nurse when I was younger but honestly I don't trust this man.

He would tell me that tampons break your hymen, and as a good catholic girl, I was to only use pads. When I couldn't get my period, I went to the doctor and they told my parents I would need to take birth control to help kickstart it.

I remember sitting at the kitchen counter when the pills came in the mail. He was stern and told me these were only for health reasons and I shouldn't think otherwise. We prayed over the pills and I took the first one.

I felt like I was the problem. I always feel like it's my fault, and that is thanks to him. How can I blame the guy?

He only ever hurt me for any mistake I could possibly make. Remote controls stopped becoming associated with watching tv as a family and instead became a weapon to throw.

Dinner knives became subtle threats on the dining table as my mother, brother and I tried to keep a low profile to avoid his tantrum of stabbing the wooden table when he's upset.

My side of the table faced north. My best friend became the clock on the oven. Counting down the minutes to when we would stop being hostages at the table, but instead spread throughout the house.

My bedroom door can open and close, but the wood is busted after one too many times of him deciding he is angry enough to break down my door and wake me up in the middle of the night.

I said the "Our Father" prayer every night before bed and asked God to help my family. I watched Dr. Phil almost every day with my sperm donor and wished we could go on so Phil could address why he's so angry.

Instead of seeking help, I decided to just take it and take it. I thought every day about killing myself. To kill the thing he said changed his life when I was born. To kill any version of the person he wanted me to be.

I remember in 8th grade my teacher asked us to put on A Midsummer Night's Dream skit. For my group, I was to play a man's part and needed to borrow one of my dad's sweaters.

Standing in the closet, my father hands me a brownish knit sweater that I put on. I think he's just as surprised at how boyish I look as I do, so he immediately tells me to not become a dyke.

The harshness of that word infiltrated my brain. I didn't understand. I was just wearing a sweater for a school project. The next day when I wore the sweater, I remember a classmate I didn't particularly like gasp in delight at how much of a man I looked. I remember feeling complete joy but the sudden wave of remembering my dad's words would hold me back.

Anyway, you're wearing all the men's clothes now. You have a girlfriend who adores you. You are nonbinary and not taking anyone's shit. It's a new year and so much growth is waiting.

[linawritesocs]

𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐧 𝐬𝐧𝐨𝐰𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐥'𝐬 𝐛𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡 𝐞𝐩𝐢𝐬𝐨𝐝𝐞 𝐫 𝐯𝐢𝐠𝐧𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐞

here's the last beach vignette by me! and it's about our boy allen, who's suffering because of how bored and lonely he feels during this trip.. so he decides to find a way to entertain himself.

allen: "so annoying.. everyone has found something to do here, they're playing, swimming, surfing.. and i'm just sitting here, with nothing to do."

allen: "it's not like i even can do anything, my clothes are too heavy.. ugh, it sucks that i can't wear summer clothes like everyone else."

allen: "all because of lumi's magic.. i don't blame her, but i really want to live a normal life without worrying that i'll get sick the moment i wear something light or eat ice cream."

allen: "i don't know if lumi will ever be able to break the spell.. maybe it's just not possible."

allen: "but i feel so jealous, watching everyone have fun, while i.. i.."

allen: "no, i can't cry now. come on, allen, you've had this problem since childhood, why are you still not used to it?"

allen: "but can't i get at least a little bit of sympathy?? i'm suffering here and they're just ignoring me! yes, i can't play or swim with them, but they could at least try to invite me!"

allen: *sobs* "i just.. i just don't understand.. i thought that they would start treating me better after my overblot.."

allen: "I LITERALLY OVERBLOTTED BECAUSE OF THEM NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO ME! I JUST WANTED TO BE LOVED, I WAS THE VICTIM, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG!"

allen: ".. it's fine. they're just too selfish to think about me."

allen: "but i know someone who's not selfish at all and who always thinks about me!"

allen: "here, let me just text him.."

allen's message: "hayden!! it's so boring here without you and they're all ignoring me.. ಥ_ಥ"

allen's message: "are you sure you can't join us?? tell that octopus guy to let you go!! i'll beat him up if he doesn't."

allen: "!! he's typing!!"

allen: "ahh, he answered so fast.. he really was thinking about me.. i knew it, he was waiting for me to text him!"

hayden's message: "I'm sorry to hear that, but I really can't join you :( I have way too much to do here and I have to help my dorm leader.."

allen's message: "go and tell those twins to do everything instead!! aren't they his friends or something?? why are you the one who has to do it?"

allen's message: "don't tell me.. did he make you do all the work because he wants to separate us?"

hayden's message: "I don't know. But I wish I was there with you."

allen's message: "don't say such things!! you're gonna make me miss you even more!! o(╥﹏╥)o"

allen's message: "i love you too though~ ( ⸝⸝•ᴗ•⸝⸝ )"

hayden's message: "Don't miss me too much, okay? I'm sure there's something you can do or someone you can talk to."

allen's message: "no, i don't!! you're my only hope, hayden! and i don't need anyone else!"

hayden's message: "I'm so sorry, but I have to go now. If you get too sad, remember: it's only for one day. We can spend the whole day together tomorrow :)"

allen: "no, he can't leave me like this!"

allen's message: "but i can't wait until tomorrow!! come back!!"

allen: "he's offline.."

allen: *sighs* "but i really wish he was here.. everyone would be so jealous of our relationship! and i wouldn't be so lonely.."

allen: "someone i can talk to.."

roland: *tries really hard not to laugh* why, hello there.

allen: roland-senpai? what do you want?

allen: if it's about my outfit, please shut up and go as far away from me as you can.

roland: no, no, it's not about that. i just wanted to see how you're doing.

roland: and from what i can see, you're not doing so well.

allen: wow, thank you for noticing.

roland: oh, actually, i came here to make myself a drink, do you want me to make you one too?

allen: a drink?..

roland: i'll just throw as many things as i can into this blender and see how it goes.

roland: i know, sounds scary, but at least it's not boring.

allen: this sounds absolutely horrifying. sign me up.

roland: wait, are you sure? i wasn't that serious about making you a drink, but i really am going to throw random ingredients into this blender.

allen: i'm so bored, you might as well poison me, i'm gonna suffer either way.

roland: .. okay then. don't say i didn't warn you.

roland: so, allen, why can't you just simply go and talk to others, if you're so lonely?

allen: why should i even try? look at them, they're having so much fun without me. if i show up, they'll get scared and leave. my reputation is not that good, you know.

roland: yeah, can relate. but hey, i'm the one who came up with this trip, well, at least for rsa students.

roland: and i still brought some students with me despite my bad reputation.

roland: who knows, maybe i'll make more friends this way.

roland: actually, i saw your cousin, riley-kun, standing there not so long ago. he was just watching everyone do their thing and he looked bored, just like you.

roland: but now he's building a sandcastle with that white-haired girl.

roland: why not try hanging out with them?

allen: .. i don't want to do anything with riley.

roland: wow, you hate him this much? why? he seems like a nice guy to me.

allen: THAT'S THE PROBLEM!

allen: everyone loves him so much, everyone says that he's a nice guy, he gets love confessions every single day, students want to be close with him, teachers praise him, BUT HE'S NOTHING SPECIAL!

allen: why? why does everyone love him so much?

allen: it's always been this way. i feel like even my parents like him more than me and he's not even their son!

roland: well, i also like riley-kun and i think he's cute, but.. i understand what you mean.

roland: i also don't understand why people love one person more than me. there's absolutely nothing special about him.

roland: so why did she still choose him?..

allen: oh? what was that, roland-senpai?

roland: forget about it. let me finish making your drink.

allen: are you jealous, roland-senpai?

roland: ...

allen: i saw you looking at that girl from nrc few minutes ago. i don't remember her name, i think she's from pomefiore.

allen: and i got a feeling that you don't really like her boyfriend. like, you hate him. i think his name was ignis?

roland: i don't know what you're talking about.

allen: you know what i'm talking about, roland-senpai. you're jealous and you want to be with that girl.

allen: you wish she would fall in love with you instead. you want her boyfriend to just.. disappear.

allen: so let me give you an advice as someone who has more experience.

roland: more experience with what-

allen: don't you think she deserves better than ignis? you should make her believe that you're perfect for her! prove that you're smarter, stronger and simply better than ignis!

allen: or you can just get rid of the competition.. if you know what i mean.

roland: get rid of the- allen, please, you're not making any sense.

roland: i can't believe i thought talking to you was a good idea.

roland: here, drink this. i must go, i have other things to do.

allen: hey, you forgot your own drink!

allen: he left.. but i have a feeling that he will follow my advice.

allen: after all, me and roland-senpai are not so different.

allen: hmm, maybe he hates me because he can't help but remember his past when he sees me?

allen: well, i can't be sure about that, but i'm absolutely sure that my day will become more fun thanks to this conversation.

allen: *spits out his drink*

allen: JUST HOW MUCH ICE DID HE PUT IN THIS??

allen: roland-senpai, you really are cruel..

#i like how all vignettes except riley's have roland.. more content for him!! #also annoyed allen is my favorite allen. yandere allen is good but this one? chef's kiss #like his personality just feels so real when he's angry? #the ultimate simp: allen #the gardening club leader: roland thorn #allen's kuudere cousin: riley #the chameleon with a god complex: hayden #friends' ocs!

[bi-bard]

Feels Like I’m Becoming a Part of Your Past - James Wilson Imagine (House MD)

Title: Feels Like I’m Becoming a Part of Your Past

Pairing: James Wilson X Reader

Based On: Bye Bye Baby

Word Count: 680 words

Warning(s): mentions of divorce and infidelity.

Summary: Maybe James should accept that he’s the reason so many of his relationships have failed… or not. Pushing away blame is much easier.

Author's Note: Short and angsty. Just how I like it.

Masterlist for From the Vault - Taylor Swift Writing Challenge

-----------------------------

I was convinced that I would never find myself in a divorce. It took me such a long time to love and trust people that I thought that the person I chose to let in would be the real deal.

I was convinced that James was the right person.

How could someone that was so careful be careless when loving someone?

I was shocked at how long my brain could go without acknowledging I was in pain.

It didn't set in when we were yelling at each other.

It didn't set in when we signed the divorce papers.

None of it hit me while I was going through the process. It made me feel cold and heartless. I had resorted to being exactly what he had claimed that I was.

It wasn't until the first night completely alone that it all set in. No more meetings or need to contact him. The first night in my apartment with nothing to do other than face my thoughts.

I had failed. My relationship had crumbled in front of me, and I failed to stop it.

I spent the first night on my couch. Most of it had been me avoiding the empty side of a bed. The smaller the space, the less there was to miss. It didn't make sense to me then, and it doesn't make sense to me now.

The next morning, I woke up to someone knocking on my door.

I had this deep sense of dread in my stomach.

I only wish that I had listened to it at the time.

I pulled the door open to see James on the other side of the door.

"Did I not sign in the right place," I asked, hoping this was just about the papers and not something more ridiculous.

"I wanted to talk," he replied.

"We did that," I said. "Kinda how we ended up choosing to get divorced."

"We have more to talk about."

"No, we don't. I don't have anything to say, and I've listened to every excuse you could come up with."

James sighed, "Please."

"No."

"This is why we ended," he pointed at me. "You could never communicate."

"What?"

"You just shut down. Something doesn't go your way and you throw up all of these walls. I got tired of trying to break through them."

There was a moment of silence where neither one of us spoke.

"You are so much dumber than I originally thought," I finally said.

"What," he asked.

"James, we split up because you fucked someone else," I replied. "My communication skills were not the problem."

James didn't reply. Not to deny it or to make some half-assed attempt to explain himself.

"I know it's easier for you to blame someone else, but you didn't accidentally fall into someone's vagina."

He looked down.

I was right. I was starting to accept that. I was not the reason my relationship failed. I couldn't have stopped what he did. I had no control over that. He did. He had every chance to stay committed to me and he didn't That's not my fault.

He forgot about everything I had ever done for him. Every chance I took in trusting him. It was not my fault that he didn't see that until it was too late. I shouldn't have had to teach him.

"Is there anything else I can help you with," I asked, raising an eyebrow at him. He just looked back up and rolled his eyes. "Then leave. I am not talking about this anymore. I did my talking before signing the divorce papers."

I closed the door in his face.

As I stepped away, I heard another knock. I didn't open it.

"I'm sorry," I heard him call through the door. "I'm sorry for everything."

I didn't respond to him. He didn't deserve that.

This wasn't a movie where he could say all the right things and I would go back to him. That's not how this was going to work. He knew that.

I just wish he would accept it.

-----------------------------

Masterlist (Includes links to All Writing Challenges)

What I Write For

Some Original Characters

#james wilson x reader #james wilson fanfiction #james wilson imagine #dr james wilson fanfiction #dr james wilson x reader #dr james wilson imagine #house md x reader #house md imagine #house md fanfiction

[rumblelibrary]

Have you ever thought about writing a continuation to Unofficial Meeting? I'm dying to know whether Laszlo earns the reader's forgiveness and if she accepts his proposal or not. Have a good day! 😚

Undisclosed Meeting [Dr Laszlo Kreizler x Fem!Reader]

Word count: 2k

Warnings: Laszlo self deprecating himself hard

A/N: how could I give up a chance to make my boy Laszlo happy? Thank you so much for requesting it, it really made me happy to have an old story requested. Here is the original story

“Are you even listening to me?”

Violet inquired as you blinked surprised and taken aback. She invited you over for an afternoon tea, but your mind kept wondering off to what happened between you and Laszlo. You haven’t seen him in over a month and to be honest you missed him. The first few days you were firm on your choice, he upset you and your family, he crossed your boundaries mindlessly.

But then you realised how he meant to ask your hand to your father, how he never meant for you to be hurting, he just wanted to make it official.

Your grandmother tried to talk you out of your anger but she didn’t managed to, it was over anyway. You upset each other, you closed that chapter.

If you have feelings for him that chapter is not closed, your grandmother told you but you tried to ignore it. You haven’t seen him in so long, not even at some event or where you’d usually expect him to be. He kept sending you flowers to you until the end of the previous month. That silly man, always hating to leave things halfway done.

“I am, I am just a bit tired” you said as she waved her hand 

“nonsense ” she said offering you to try some sweets while she stood up to call her maid and gather what she meant to show you “I’ll show you now the latest Paris fashion and you’ll have to wake up” 

She was your friend, she was sweet and she knew you were on a rough patch now and she did all in her power t keep you distracted.

“Charles stop it”

John’s voice rang through you ears as you stood up to see what was going on from the window facing the luscious back garden of the Moore residence. Little Charles was the spit image of his parents and an adventurer at heart, you could tell from the way he kept his father busy running after him.

You smiled as John gave up opening his arms in defeat.

“What I have to do?” He groaned making you chuckle as for a moment it looked like he was asking to God, but when you noticed that he was in fact talking to Dr Kreizler who was sitting on a bench. You codlin’t help but rest your eyes on him, he looked pale, tired like he wasn’t sleeping. He was like this during investigations but as far as you knew there was no one at the moment.

“Wat you have to do John? Let the boy be” he said as a tired smile crept onto his lips.

“Yes, he will break his skull in a second”

Laszlo shook his head looking at him “If you prevent him from doing anything he won’t never learn” he said as he spoke matter of factly but that tiredness in his voice was evident. You wondered what kept him up.

You wondered if t was your fault.

But then you saw the sweet look he had for the child as he picked a ball that was hiding behind his back to give it to him to play with.

He was so good with kids, it was incredible.

You knew it was his job, but the tenderness he showed with them was something you felt on your own skin as you used to be allowed to be part of that special round of people that got to see him being sweet.

You moved away from the window just in time for Violet to come back, her maids holding onto over twenty new items of clothing.

“V” you said to her as the use of that little nickname sparked already her attention “I have to ask you a favour”

It was dead in the evening when Laszlo got asked from Violet to meet a friend of hers with a child with various problems.

The symptoms she described didn’t really add up, they should be excluding each other. But no matter what he decided to go there. 

He usually was very firm about his privacy and the times he could meet or not patients, even though the secrecy of the hour would be typical of a wealthy family trying to hide some kind of a problem they judge as shameful, he also came to a point where work was all he got.

He missed you, everything reminded him of you. He hoped to see, he would be a liar if he didn’t admit to have handed a dollar or two to your maid to at least know how are you.

He didn’t mean to stalk you, he just wanted you happy and once more he was acting behind your back. But your maid told him you were fine and doing your business, so he stopped inquiring. He didn’t deserve you in the first place anyway, but how things ended really pained him, he really thought to be doing right and he really wanted to have a future with you, to have many what John has.

But what nonsense thinking about it now that it is all gone and by his own hand, he had nobody to blame but himself.

As he arrived to the building he got inside surprised not to find anyone at service but only an open door.

The instinct would have told him to go away, but he was reckless by now, he already lost what he cared the most.

Walking inside the candlelit hallway he was surprised to get to a large living room only to find you there.

The truth was that he stopped on his track to admire you. You were amazing, he adored you in any possible shape and form, everything from your clothing to your composure screamed for his eyes to be fixated onto you.

He took that moment to look at you, take in your image, last time you two spoke you were so upset and he didn’t want that to be the last image he had of you.

“I am more discreet than you when I have to do things in secret” you said and he smiled lightly

“You’re”

His admission, the tiredness of his look just paining you.

“Is this a house of your family?”

“Yes, it is my aunt’s but she is on some cruise with her husband”

He nodded quietly as he looked around moving closer to you, the candles around you making him feel like the moment was set in another time.

“You didn’t have to make an appointment to meet me”

“Well, I asked a friend for a favour, I could have paid Stevie to drive you here anyway” you answered, basically hinting him that your maid didn’t keep his little inquiring a secret between the two of you.

He nodded gulping down, he felt like he was naked in front of you, defenceless and anything you could attack him with would really hurt. 

“I though that after our last conversation we needed to speak alone and in a neutral ground, I attacked you and I know I moved past my means”

“Just like I did inquiring about your life without permission” he concluded for you, he kept thinking about that day over and over, he couldn’t take it out of his mind and he even thought it would be easy only because so many people hated him already, button you. He wished you’d never be one of them.

“Miss Y/L/N” the fact he used your last name showing how he was trying to prove you some respect, not using your first name like you’re somehow close, mostly because he doubts you’d wish him close at any time.

“All I have ever wanted was to be worth of you”

His words trembling, like snakes sliding onto your skin.

He opened his mouth to say something and he closed it as he stared somewhere away from you, he shook his head slowly. The pain visible through him.

“I am a despicable failure as a human being, I know it” he said as he rose his hand to invite your silence “I have spent my life trying to find a common language  to get through people, studying them ,making sure to be able to read human behaviour to allow myself the freedom of interaction. I am not a natural like John, I can’t just go on a group and charm my way through it and I knew, I knew from the moment you allowed me to be close to you that I would ruin it because I am such social wreck, because I can’t control myself or I can’t not follow the rules that I have been told are the right path to follow”

He let out a shaky breath as he looked down and then up at you, he was trying to hold back tears but the truth was that he cried for losing you, He cried for nights and days.

“I apologise once more, I wanted to do you right and I just overstepped you. I always admired you for your being independent and clever and I reduced you to an object with my insensitive behaviour. I always make myself strong from talking my way through people and I blindsided you when words were the most needed”

You looked at him as maybe for the first time he really throw away the mask, he really let himself speak up.

“I valued what you did for me” you blinked at him surprised, your head slightly falling on side to observe him.

He was going down the self deprecating himself hill, you could almost count how much time there was between him going down onto his arm topic. You know that was always his undisclosed weakness, how he hated it and saw himself as unlovable because imperfect.

“It is yes”

He looked at you with a frown not seeing what you mean.

“My answer for your question”

He frowned even more, what question? You could hear it resonate into his mind as he didn’t ask you anything, he came to you to apologise and…

And then he got it.

His eyes widened as he opened his mouth only to close it again.

No, he was probably misunderstanding, once more reading badly the situation.

You picked your left glove slowly taking it off to show him you were wearing his ring on your hand.

He stared at you, his hand hesitantly moving to pick yours bringing it up to his lips and resting a kiss over it, his hand holding yours as he stared up at you.

His wet eyes now unmistakable from cha closeness, the signs of his lack of sleep visible.

“In a marriage there shouldn’t be secrets, I tried to avoid something shameful for me when you allowed me to see every part of you” you admitted as you weren’t free from blame, you referred to pretend something wasn’t there rather than facing it.

He stared at you with shaky breath, as he licked his lips trying to find words.

“I love you Laszlo, I really want to be your wife”

His jaw trembled as the happiness rushed over him like electricity, his hand bringing yours over his heart beating so fast and hard that he felt it could explode.

“I love you Y/N” he whispered as you caressed his cheek with your right hand as he leaned down, still not daring to believe what was happening.

So you just did it, you leaned in closing the space between the two of you with a kiss.

The times were changed.

Women could accept wedding proposals without their father’s approval, men could cry for love and love words were made of truths and exposed weaknesses and not by the words of dusty poets. And with such strong ideals you could only imagine your life as set up for a greater kind of happiness with him.

Tagged @cazzyimagines @lieutenantn @handmaiden-of-mischief @thesunflowersutra @zemomybeloved @fictionlandslanddreams@charistory @greeneyedblondie44 @apparrio @hb8301 @whatawildone @rhymerhymerhyme  @thehuiabird @lilith-blackrose @unbeatablecurlgirl @obsidianlaszlo @alindeluce @zemosimp05 @baronesszemo-blackwood @nocapesdahling @everythingbeginsineternity-blog

#dr kreizler #dr laszlo kreizler #dr laszlo kreizler x you #dr laszlo kreizler x reader #dr kreizler x reader #dr laszlo kreizler imagine #laszlo kreizler fanfic #laszlo kreizler fanfiction #laszlo kriezler x reader #laszlo kreizler x you #laszlo kreizler x y/n #laszlo kreizler x reader #laszlo kreizler imagine #dr laszlo kreizler #laszlo kreizler headcanons

[fonulyn]

So I'm reading this sad Chreon story - as one does (it's me, I'm one) - and I just had the weirdest epiphany? Like, I dunno, it's probably dumb and far from a hot take or some eye opening character analysis no one has done before but I noticed that people (including myself, so like not saying this in any kind of bad way) tend to write Leon as stand offish, apathetic, and cold. Like this story stated it specifically, said something along the lines of "this is what Leon gets for cultivating a reputation for being unapproachable, apathetic, and indifferent" and the insinuation there is that he's done this on purpose, put on this front to seem unaffected by things when in the presence of others, and I think it's pretty true for his character. Like anything post RE2, Leon is kind of. I dunno, I wanna say deadpan? He seems to express v little emotion, and when he does it's usually in the form of a quip, one-liner, or snarky come back. Sometimes awkward small talk lol. But it feels like he's built this wall, this persona around himself, not just to protect himself from losing more people (bc he probably sees it as some kind of inevitability, and with his track record I certainly wouldn't blame him), but to protect people from him. This poor man has spent so long fighting, trying to save people, and even tho he saves the day in the end, so many people get lost in the process, and Leon feels every single loss personally. Right off the bat we see it every time someone dies in RE2, then again in RE4 with Luis, who he knew for a short period of time and yet mourned so heavily for, and even Krauser to an extent. Leon is someone who is quick to trust, even as he gets older, and we see that in RE Vendetta, too. Like that's probably one of the big reasons he's so devastated after losing his team. Not only was he entrusted with a group (which doesn't happen often, as far as we have seen), but he probably put his trust in them as well, including Petrucio, the man who betrayed them. I just think Leon is such a complex character who hides so much of himself (which is convenient for bad writers at Capcom who can't write good dialogue to save their lives lmao, but I also think it's a decent part of his character now), probably so what happened in RE2 doesn't happen again. Bc that shit was probably so traumatizing, and Leon was still a baby! I'm only a year older then he was at the time of RE2 but like, as humans our brains don't finish growing until age 25, so that kind of trauma at that age is for sure gonna stick with you, and it seems he picked up some unhealthy coping mechanisms from it that's more than just his drinking problem. Anyways I guess I just wanted to rant about how Leon is the most "emotionless" character in RE but in reality he feels and cares so much, so much so that if he doesn't put up that mask of indifference then he'll destroy himself. This man would die so that others could live, he's saved the world multiple times without a care for himself past the need to finish his mission and keep as many people as possible safe. He's such a tragic character and I love him so goddamn much, like he's one of those characters who you aspire to be like, in a way. Selfless, capable, dependable, reliable, smart, passionate, caring. And some of this might be my own character building I've done based off of other headcanons and character analysis posts and stories I've seen, but I do think we see a lot of this in the canon content, too. I just really love Leon S Kennedy, okay? He makes me sad but also so so happy and I love him v much, he is a big time comfort character for me. Sorry for the rant, just needed to scream about this with someone who would understand lol 😅

oh anon, I get you, I dooo. I think that you're right in that Leon has kind of this shell around himself because it's the only way he can cope. but there are so many cracks in his shell, and he lets people in so readily even when it would stand to reason that he shouldn't trust anyone anymore. he gets attached to people lightning fast, and he'd die for them even when he's barely met them.

this borders on headcanon territory, definitely, but I tend to often write him as someone who gets attached easily and falls for people easily (be it friendship or romantic or anything), but then he doesn't know how to properly let people in because he's got his defense mechanisms, he's trying to keep himself from breaking, and what if he truly lets someone past those walls and then another disaster strikes and he never recovers from it?

and I think it shows a lot in how he's so awkward with small talk, he can throw in one-liners and dad jokes and try to keep his own (and anyone else's) spirits up with that. but oh man. beyond that? the boy doesn't know how to naturally talk to people. (even like in Infinite Darkness, with Claire, I think his "don't do anything stupid" was 100% meant to be a joke, both times, but it just didn't exactly land perfectly. poor awkward bby)

but like even though he might put up this unaffected front, he's still so very expressive? like... if you really pay attention to him? he's far from actually an expressionless and cold person. he just isn't very loud about it. (i was just going through ID screencaps yesterday and while Shen May is talking and Leon is on the background, he goes through such a journey in expressions alone :'D)

AND HE CARES. like, for example in Infinite Darkness, he sees Patrick is shaken and the first possible moment he has, he immediately asks him if he's okay and takes a moment to reassure him. they're in a hurry, he's supposed to get going and not check up on a guy he's never even met before, but he does it anyway. and I think it speaks a lot of his character. he's quick to offer support and comfort, and he genuinely tries to be there for others the best he can. he desperately needs someone to listen to him in turn, seriously. give him emotional support, damnit.

and I wanna highlight what you said:

in reality he feels and cares so much, so much so that if he doesn't put up that mask of indifference then he'll destroy himself. This man would die so that others could live, he's saved the world multiple times without a care for himself past the need to finish his mission and keep as many people as possible safe.

because yes. 100%. also this:

he's one of those characters who you aspire to be like, in a way.

like. yes. there was this one meme thing going around which was basically like asking if you feel like you're like your favorite character and I'm just. I fucking wish I was one tenth of what he is :'D

I know not even he is perfect, c'mon, no such thing as perfect people exist (not even in fiction, or if they do then they'd be really damn boring :'D). i'm not trying to claim he has no flaws, or that he never does anything wrong. he has and he does. but the amount of genuine caring he shows and how hard he tries to do the right thing? truly awe inspiring.

i just. I'm right there with you. I love him so damn much. and that's why I spend most of my time writing fic where he gets at least some of that happiness he deserves :'D i need him taken care of, damnit, and if canon doesn't give him good things then i damn sure will.

#whenever you want to talk about him anon #i'm right here for you :D #i love him so much #so muchhhh #anonymous #ask and i shall answer #re answers #leon s kennedy #long post

[chvrliesapcet]

ever since olivia rodrigo released her debut album, SOUR, i have been listening to it on repeat (totally not kidding). so, after seeing a girl on tiktok do something like this, but with the avengers, i was inspired to make this post. there you go:

the poets as olivia rodrigo’s songs.

trigger warning: mention of su*c*de and mental health issues.

brutal: all of them. they’re teenagers, insecure sometimes, trying their best, but sadly not living the teenage dream (what is it, that fucking teenage dream, anyway?). “if someone tells me one more time "enjoy your youth, " i’m gonna cry” and they can’t quit what they’re doing, because their parents would most likely be hurt. “and they'd all be so disappointed 'cause who am if, if not exploited?” they once recited the lyrics of this song as a poem, during one of their meetings, and they were all laughing their asses off. life at hell-ton is brutal, what can i say?

traitor: knox, of course. “god i wish that you had thought this through, before i went and fell in love with you” or “guess you didn’t cheat, but you’re still a traitor” just hit different for him. he thinks about chris when he listens to this song, that’s for sure..! we can’t really blame chris for knox falling in love with her though,, sorry buddy.

drivers license: knox, again. poor boy listens to this song while riding his bike, crying his eyes out. “but today i drove through the suburbs, crying 'cause you weren't around” chris isn’t with that blonde girl, she is that blonde girl. knox has never felt this way for no one, and it’s hard for him to imagine that chris is, well, doing okay without him. he thinks and talks about her all the time. “and all my friends are tired of hearing how much i miss you, but i kinda feel sorry for them 'cause they'll never know you the way that i do”

1 step forward, 3 steps back: todd. like many people (including me!) when he listens to this song, he doesn’t necessarily think of a past relationship (mostly because he has never dated anyone before neil). he thinks of his mental health struggles, such as his anxiety, instead. it’s hard, sometimes. he thinks he’s getting better, but then realizes he isn’t.. “got me fucked up in the head, boy. never doubted myself so much. like am i pretty, am i fun boy? i hate that i gave you power over that kinda stuff” need i say more? this song is as soft, but as sad, as he is.

deja vu: keating. this is.. kind of a joke, but only because i didn’t know who to pair this song with. john was an original member of the dead poets society, and knowing that now, other teenage boys are taking turns reading poetry, in the old indian cave, reminds him of his teenage years. “so when you gonna tell her that we did that, too? she thinks it's special, but it's all reused. that was our place, i found it first” olivia’s music isn’t the type of music he normally listens to, but after hearing students (the poets) talk about her album, during his class, he decided he’d give it a try. he likes it. he loves the lyrics, mostly.

good 4 u: CHARLIE. he loves screaming the lyrics to this song. especially the bridge and the last chorus. “LIKE A DAMN SOCIOPATH!” cameron has to beg him to turn the volume down,, he doesn’t listen to him, obviously, and instead turns the volume up. his argument? ‘this song is meant to be played loud!’ to which cameron responds ‘but not that loud! i’m trying to study!’ he thinks looking at his roommate directly in the eye when singing “baby, what the fuck is up with that?” exactly the way olivia does is funny. cameron just rolls his eyes every time, but it’s hard for him to hide the smile taking place on his lips.

enough for you: pitts. although he and stev/phen are both super, super smart, i think meeks is the ‘genius’ of the group. and that, can, sometimes, make pitts feel like he might not be good enough for his boyfriend, whom he loves very much. “and i knew how you took your coffee, and your favorite songs by heart. i read all of your self-help books so you'd think that i was smart” whenever he doubts himself, meeks is the first to reassure him and tell him he’s more than enough, but still.. “'cause all i ever wanted was to be enough for you” he listens to this song with his earphones, always, so no one knows he listens to it on repeat.

happier: meeks. ever since charlie got expelled, he can’t stop listening to this song. these two were pretty close, (“he flatters me, that’s why i help him with latin”) and stev/phen doesn’t like thinking about his friend being in a new school, and spending time with other people. “so find someone great but don't find no one better. i hope you're happy, but don't be happier” he wishes charlie would still be with them, at welton, even if he hated it. “your friends aren't mine, you know, i know. you’ve moved on, found someone new” or “does she mean you forgot about me?” he’s being a bit overdramatic, considering charlie comes to see the poets at least once a week, and still attends the dps meetings.. but anyway.

jealousy, jealousy: cameron, because, yes, he’s smart and everything, but he’s still jealous of other people, and wishes he were different. he thinks he should be like the other guys. “all i see, is what i should be, happier, prettier, jealousy, jealousy” he also thinks that, maybe then, people would like him more </3. he knows no one really hates him, but feels like no one really likes him, either. and in his opinion, it’s because he’s.. him. “I'm so sick of myself, i’d rather be, rather be, anyone, anyone else” just like mr. k, this type of music isn’t what he usually listens to, but he relates to this song so much, he can’t help but listen to it at least once a day.

favorite crime: neil. just like todd, he doesn’t associate this song with a relationship he had in the past. actually, he thinks of his father (and his mom, a bit, too) and all of the things his dad forces him to do, even if it upsets him. “those things i did, just so i could call you mine. the things you did, well, i hope i was your favorite crime” i know we don’t usually talk about the canon ending, but i have to. mr. perry didn’t want his son to pursue his dreams, and planned neil’s life for him, which made him feel so miserable, he sadly committed su*c*de.. but then, his dad wasn’t blamed for it, to preserve his reputation. “and i watched as you fled the scene, doe-eyed as you buried me, one heart broke, four hands bloody” todd knows this was neil’s favorite song. he listens to it once in a while, in their room, alone, and cries.

hope ur ok: all of them. do they know how proud i am they were created? after all they’ve been through, especially their family problems, i’m glad they found each other. “she was tired 'cause she was brought into a world where family was merely blood” and even when life throws bad things at them, they always stay strong, and support each other through everything. they’re very brave. “well, i hope you know how proud i am you were created, with the courage to unlearn all of their hatred” i love them, my beautiful poets <33

#dead poets society #dps #dps fandom #dps headcanons #neil perry #charlie dalton #todd anderson #anderperry #gerard pitts #knox overstreet #richard cameron #steven meeks #stephen meeks #john keating #mr keating #olivia rodrigo #sour olivia rodrigo #good 4 u #drivers license #deja vu