#I would appreciate it if any of you could recommend a good therapist
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Hello -
As a person with DID who has successfully fused alters/parts, do you have any information, resources, or advice for systems hoping to do the same?
My system is hoping to reach a point where we can act and function as one, but it’s been horrible trying to find resources on fusion. Nearly every article about fusion we could find places this second to functional multiplicity and seems to confuse fusion and integration. Or worse, claims that fusion is a way to kill alters!
Our therapist has been immensely helpful, but we find ourselves wanting to read more about this process or hear from others who have successfully managed a fusion. Any help would be greatly appreciated - thank you!
Hi, anon. I'm so sorry that you've been struggling to find resources on your desired recovery. I went through that struggle too, it's hard. I'm glad you have a therapist to help you out through all of this.
If you want, I've talked about my own experience with final fusion on this blog and I'm always open to talking about it more if there's anything in particular you want to hear about!
Definitely seek out other systems who have experience with partial/full fusion, too. Off the top of my head, there's @system-of-a-feather, @reimeichan, @hiiragi7, and @smokee78 (hope it's okay to tag you guys!). They haven't been active recently, but back when I was working towards final fusion, @puppydeathfarts made posts that I found really helpful. If there's anyone else who has experience with partial/full fusion, though, please leave a comment!
I also recommend checking out Rachel Downing's experience with final fusion/full integration and Jess's from Multiplicity & Me:
youtube
Their experiences helped me feel less alone when I was pursuing final fusion. There was also another person, but unfortunately they left the community due to harassment and deleted their posts. I will forever for grateful to all of them for being brave enough to share this vulnerable and personal part of their lives, they've certainly given me the strength to share my own.
As for articles, unfortunately I don't know of too many that don't stigmatize final fusion. DID-research offers a good summary of final fusion and a few interesting links to check out here.
You can find a bunch of free downloads for self-help books here. Out of all of them, I feel like Coping with Trauma-related Dissociation is a great self-help book for people who are a being supported by a therapist and interested in pursuing harmony and stronger integration within their dissociative system. I don't think it would've been possible for me to achieve final fusion or even functional multiplicity without the techniques I learned from this book. I cannot emphasize how useful it is!
Some extra things from me:
You have to work with your parts, first. You can't skip ahead to fusion. Aim to pave for understanding, acceptance, and harmony within your system. Fusion, if you want it, is the natural progression to that!
There are ways to test out fusion. Talk to your therapist about "blending" (it's also described in the coping book, but definitely mention it to your therapist). You can test out what it's like to be fused as many times as you want.
Fusion can feel weird at first. It shouldn't feel bad, but it can be strange. It took me time to get used to it. It can also feel differently depending on what stage of recovery you're in... ->
When I still had amnesia and less co-operation in my system, fusions slid under the radar and surprised the hell out of me! As I continued lowering those dissociative barriers, developing better communication and co-consciousness as a system, things become way clearer.
After you become fully fused for the first time, it's completely okay if you fall apart a few times before it really sticks! Final fusion is a process, not a destination.
You're allowed to choose whatever labels you want after final fusion. Call yourself a system or plural or say you've become a singlet or whatever you want. It's also okay to go unlabeled!
Your parts aren't gone after final fusion, but that separation is gone and it's okay if you need to mourn that. Sometimes I miss what it was like being fragmented. It's not because I want to be fragmented again, but because that was how I lived my entire life up until now, it was what was most natural to me, and it had its good and bad sides. I'm thankful for it because it was that separation which allowed me to survive! I view this similarly to how it was like to move recently. Sometimes I miss my old home, but that doesn't mean I want to go back or that I'm not happier where I am now. Things can be complicated like that!
After final fusion, you continue to learn new things about yourself and your system. It's a new journey in of itself -- a very, very wonderful one. 💚
I hope you find something helpful here. Either way, know that you are not alone on this journey. I support you whole-heartedly. Good luck with everything!
- Sunflower
#actuallydid#DIDrecovery#DID recovery#final fusion#integration#DID support#sunflower answers#personal experiences#apologies for how long it took to answer this ask
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Hi again 😃 I was wondering if you would feel comfortable with kinda elaborating on paranoia ( I think you said you have it yourself?) this is the first time I have seen it represented in media properly, and have also lately been questioning wether I have it or not, as a person with adhd and autism. I’m not really sure how to phrase this well but if it’s okay with you do you have any tips/parts of paranoia that could maybe help me in my consideration on wether I have it or not (I would get an assessment btw ) Please please don’t feel any pressure at all with sharing, having such good representation already in your comic is epicly awesome already and I don’t think people should have to do stuff that they are not comfortable with sharing.
I love your comic, your art and greatly appreciate your representation it’s so cool and awesome , sorry for the long ask I hope you have an nice day 🤩👋😃😊
I wasn't planning to answer this ask but I am in an odd mood tonight and felt it might be beneficial for the both of us. 👍
I'm also autistic, but I think my paranoia also mixes with my OCD, so that may make my experience appear different. I also have never been diagnosed with paranoia, but it is a symptom I've often discussed with my therapists over the years.
For me it has been present since I was around 12, when I would struggle to take the dog for a walk because I feared the air was poisonous or a sniper would shoot me down. (I live in a country that's not had any kind of shooting for decades.) Honestly I'm not entirely sure what caused those, besides the fact I had a lot of unchecked anxiety. I started going to Therapy at age 13.
A lot of things happened between then and age 15 or so. Including my OCD manifesting and a few years of emotional abuse inside my home.
Since then my paranoia has fed my OCD many ideas to use to cause me compulsions. Possibly more relatable-- it has also turned into periods of hyper-vigilance, which is a state where a person is hyper aware of their surroundings and constantly looking for threats and escape routes.
Thankfully all of the above mentioned symptoms have gotten better for me with years of therapy and hard work. Although I will likely be living with them for the rest of my life, it's more like a bad roommate than a danger.
Some advice I can give to anyone who relates to what I've said here is to research things, especially hearing personal accounts can be a huge relief. Another thing is to not ask yourself "What's the worst that could happen?" but "Whats the most likely thing to happen?" It's simple but very helpful.
But yeah, my understanding is that it's more of a symptom alongside other disorders, but I'm not a professional nor have I studied this stuff. My sources are experience and 10 years of therapy. I highly recommend seeking out a professional who gives you a good vibe with their presence.
Also others are free to add to this! ✌️ I'm sending my support to anyone reading this.
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Artists In The Sun
Ship: Hannibal Lecter x John Citta
Word Count: 874
Summary: Hannibal discovers that John also enjoys drawing and employs a cheeky tactic to improve his skills. CWs for romantic patient/doctor relationship, non-sexual nudity, brief food mentions, suggestive ending if you squint.
Tag List: @canongf @futurewife
John and Hannibal had been living together for a few months, though they had been seeing each other for longer than that- two years at John’s last count. They had met when Hannibal had been recommended as a psychiatrist for John, despite Dr. Lecter being a forensics psychiatrist and not your day-to-day therapist or psychologist, which is likely what John truly needed… still, Hannibal agreed to see him. Agreed to listen to him. And despite both knowing better, they fell in love. Luckily for John, Hannibal was very good at keeping secrets. Hannibal kept his job, relationship, and patient, all in one carefully planned swoop, while John worked at a record shop, content to turn a blind eye.
John was setting the dining table when Hannibal returned home from work, wasting no time in coming to his side and taking him in his arms, a soft and warm kiss passed between the two men.
“How was work?” John asked as Hannibal stroked the back of his hair, his maroon eyes full of adoration. He clucked his tongue.
“You know that’s nothing to discuss before dinner. But if you must know, no mishaps.”
John smiled. “That’s good.”
“How was your day?” Hannibal turned slightly and found his gaze captured by a set of papers on the tablecloth.
“I’d say the same as you. The usual.”
Hannibal picked up the papers, observing the graphite sketches tentatively. “Did you draw these, paukščiukas?”
“Hm? Oh, yeah,” John nodded, “when I had some downtime at work.”
A smile teased Hannibal’s features. “They’re me, I presume.”
John blushed and nodded again. Hannibal squeezed him and kissed his temple. “I’ve never seen any of your drawings. You’re very good.”
John waved his hand dismissively. “They’re just sketches… I’m more comfortable with digital art.” He wrinkled his nose as he looked at the drawings once more. “I hardly did you justice.”
“You’re too hard on yourself,” Hannibal touched his chin gently. “But if you insist on being humble, perhaps you would appreciate some pointers?”
John’s blush deepened. “Oh, Hanni, you already do so much for me. Don’t add arts tutoring to the list!”
Hannibal bent and kissed his hand gracefully. “It would be my highest pleasure, my darling. We’ll do a still life in the sunroom this weekend, if you would attend.”
“How could I refuse?” His stomach then growled and he covered his mouth behind his fingers, giggling in slight embarrassment.
“Ah, but first we must attend to our empty tenders.”
On Sunday, Hannibal arranged a canvas and easel in his sunroom, as well as the scene he wanted John to study. What he hadn’t told his boyfriend was that he planned for them to draw him, nude. It was both cheeky and well-meaning of him, to say the least.
“Come in, mein Schatz.”
John entered, wearing a loose-fitting, short-sleeved buttondown and houndstooth-patterned trousers. He approached the easel and gave Hannibal’s appearance an inquiring eyebrow raise. It wasn’t often that the doctor wore only his silken robe around the house. “Taking a casual day, Hanni?”
He smirked knowingly and began to loosen the robe’s simple belt. “I’ve deduced that the best first lesson I could give you was…” He elegantly removed the robe, revealing his soft but muscular body and a smattering of dark brunette body hair, streaked with somewhat premature grey. “Figure drawing.”
John briefly gasped, flushing instantly despite his intimate familiarity with Hannibal’s body. He could not draw his grey eyes away as Hannibal went to poise himself on the loveseat, picking up a book from the coffee table to quietly peruse as John worked. When no pencil was placed against the canvas, Hannibal gently cleared his throat. “Is there something wrong, John?”
John shook his head furiously, his blush creeping into his ears and neck. “Oh! Uhm, no, no, I was just a bit surprised, is all. Yes. Figure drawing. I could use a brush up on my anatomy.” He swallowed and returned his attention to the canvas. Amusement sparkled in Hannibal’s eyes. As he got over the initial shock, John’s lines began to flow smoothly. Hannibal had even lent him his good charcoal pencils. The minutes ticked by. At the hour mark, John excused himself and returned with glasses of water and a tin of cookies for them both. Another hour passed before John let his partner see the product, a shaded, loving depiction of such a dangerous man.
“I already see improvement from those initial sketches. Well done, darling.”
“You think so?” John’s eyes glittered expectantly. Hannibal chuckled, kissing his cheek.
“You are such a precious thing, John. Let’s put it in my office.” Hannibal put on his robe and the two of them moved the canvas to his home office. John spied his initial sketches on Hannibal’s desk.
“You’re keeping them?”
“Of course I am. Everything your hand touches is holy to me.”
John could have swooned. He held Hannibal’s face in his hands. “You are too much.”
“But its what you deserve. Would you like to see my recent drawings?”
“Of course.”
Hannibal led him to the desk, opening a top drawer. John had scarcely to look at them before passionately entwining with his lover. He already knew what was there on the pages.
#self shipping#self shipping community#safeshipping#self insert#self insert x canon#self x canon#self insert oc#oc x canon#gay self ship#trans self ship#circus scripts#🍽️Ella et Porcus🍽️#📼🦌.s/i
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Hello! I was wondering if you’ve got good TenRose AUs to recommend???? Any rating, any theme. I just need a treat. It would be really appreciated! Thanks. ♥︎
Absolutely! I usually don’t have a TON of AUs but the ones I have I reread a lot. I will say, these are only the ones I have downloaded to my phone so there are a LOT of other great ones over on AO3 that aren’t downloaded!
Perfect Match by HiddenTreasures (lastbluetardis) - “James grew up hearing the legends of soulmates. How two—or three or four or however many—people could find each other by writing messages to each other on their skin, and he spent much of his time imagining himself with a soulmate, someone who would be his perfect match.”
Little Gallifrey by Endelda & LicieOIC - “Little Gallifrey is a popular London restaurant, owned and led by the Doctor, who runs front of house and creates all the recipes. Rose Tyler is a regular patron who has become more of a friend after all her visits, who puts up with the Doctor's whinging that his favorite food critic, Bad Wolf, has never come to his restaurant. Or, he *thinks* she hasn't.”
In The Clouds by braveten - “When their flight is delayed for seven expectingly tedious hours, John Noble and Rose Tyler make some light conversation that develops into quite a bit more.”
The Undeveloped Story by rudennotgingr - “Following the insistent advice of his therapist, James signs up for a book club in an effort to be more social. That's where he meets Rose, changing his outlook on life from day one.”
I Won’t Blame You by rudennotgingr - “After a night of too much drinking, James wakes up to find someone sharing his bed.”
There’s plenty more but these are the first that come to mind! Enjoy!
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Hi! So I have recently discovered that I am part of a (mostly traumagenic & median) system. I’m our host and I’ve have had headmates since early childhood, but we’ve always felt like they’re vague/partially formed and don’t really have solid identities, awareness, thoughts, or feelings of their own. I don’t entirely feel like I do either actually (though still more than them)…I wanted to know if any other systems have ever felt this way?
I’m also wondering if it’s possible for a median system to help their partially formed headmates develop into more solid identities and if you know of any resources that elaborate on this?
I’ve spent so long trying to block the others out since I first noticed them because I didn’t understand why our mind was like this, but now that I finally do, I feel so lost after years and years of rejecting them. Now that I know we’re a system, I think I’m finally ready to work with them instead of against them and I want to stop fighting/pushing them out, but it’s difficult when we all feel so fragmentary and incomplete. I think we’d all be happier if we could each feel a little more whole on our own.
Anyway, if you know anything about this or any resources that might help us, it would be very appreciated…Thanks so much for taking the time to read this! -🦋
hey 🦋, we’re sorry to hear that you’ve been struggling lately to accept and connect with your system, but it’s good to know that you’re interested in making some positive progress :)
to answer your first question yes, it is possible to be a system made up of members who are fragments or partially formed. we believe that in median systems the term for this sort of headmate is facet (<- pluralpedia link) - they can range from being a simple emotion holder to having an almost completely fleshed out identity. all of these things are valid experiences for any system, including median systems.
it is possible for many systems to have fragments who later develop into complete headmates. our own system has had this happen on many occasions. when it comes to helping fragments find individuality, interests, and a sense of self, we do have a post that might help you.
keep in mind though that every system is different. some systems may find that their facets, fragments, or members are unable to reach the degree of individuality that they were hoping for… and that’s okay. if your system is struggling to self-actualize with little success, it may be better to shift gears and focus on learning self-acceptance as you are.
we recommend therapy here a lot - we have benefitted immensely from it and we feel that many other systems could as well. if you have access to a good, open-minded therapist in your life, this may be a good thing to try discussing with them. they may be able to help with some advice more tailored to your system’s needs. as for further reading or resources, nothing is coming to mind right now regarding developing facets/fragments into more well-rounded headmates, or anything about median systems in general… so sorry about that.
finally, we’d really like to open this up to any median systems and/or systems with fragments to share some of their experiences with 🦋. what is life like for you as a median system with fragments? were any of your fragments or facets able to develop into more fully-formed headmates? any advice or words of encouragement for 🦋 would be greatly appreciated.
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hello, i hope you're doing well !
i started recovery a few days ago because my parents noticed my low weight and told me i need to eat more/gain weight, which im very grateful for them stepping in and im ready to recover.
however, im still sorta paranoid about how much and what im eating, because a lot of my ED has been me being in denial that im "just being healthier" (which my parents used to believe until they realized)
so now that im eating unrestricted, i feel kinda bad that im allowing myself to eat the foods i didn't before and bigger portions. im worried that it means im letting myself be unhealthy, and im especially worried about potential comments from anyone about it.
any tips on how to challenge said thoughts or responses to comments people may make would be super appreciated ♡
(p.s. sorry this is so long, but also do you know of any other ed recovery blogs ? they're kinda hard to find here..)
Hey, anon! I'm so proud of you for listening to your parents and choosing recovery. That's one of the hardest steps, if not the hardest. Congratulations!
I felt the *exact* same way when I started recovery. I don't know about your experience, but I think I may have been orthorexic to a slight degree. You may want to look into that as well, if you haven't. I'm not saying you are, I'm not a licensed professional. Just the mention of being unhealthy spurred that thought in my mind.
Eating bigger portions and introducing our fear foods is a very difficult part of recovery, so I completely understand your worries. I'd advise you not to go too quickly, especially since you mentioned only being in recovery for a few days. Maybe you could try introducing your fear foods incrementally? Like maybe one a week, or something like that? That would probably help ease a little bit of the fear. I know when I tried to eat too many in a short amount of time, I only got more anxious and took a few steps back. Not implying that you will, just advising caution here.
It's great that you're eating more than you have been, and I'm really proud of you for that. You should be proud of yourself as well. Unfortunately, your ed is going to be very unhappy and go into overdrive trying to lie to you. Here's something I wish someone would have told me: You're not eating too much. It doesn't matter if you think you're eating a mukbang sized meal, if you're hungry/need to eat, whatever you consume is not too much. Also, this beginning period is not one in which you need to worry about eating "healthy". I know you will, and I did, too. But if you are willing to eat something, and if your ed is not fighting you on it, eat it. I don't care what it is. Eat it. Your body is extremely confused right now and just wants nutrients. It's trying to help you and keep you alive. I went through periods in the beginning of my recovery where I had ice cream all throughout the day because that's the one of the only things I could eat without extreme fear. (I know that probably doesn't make any sense, but I guess maybe it's because I liked ice cream so much I was able to override the ed? idk.) I went through another where I craved fat so much that I baked multiple cakes within a few week period. Now, there are definitely people out there who would disagree on that, and maybe you're one of them. That's cool. My number one piece of advice would be to listen to your body as best you can. You may not be able to, as I'm sure you've gotten pretty good at ignoring what it wants (as we all do), but whatever signals you get, listen to. If you want ice cream, eat it.
If you're able to, I'd also recommend that you find a therapist/treatment center/nutritionist if you haven't already. You definitely can recover on your own, but a professional would be very helpful.
You're not letting yourself be unhealthy. You're doing the opposite, actually. Having an ed is unhealthy, no matter which one it is. Choosing recovery is the option that will lead to a healthy relationship with food. And to choose recovery, you may feel unhealthy sometimes. That's okay. You may feel like you're making a mistake, gaining too much, or like you're worse off than you were before, but those are all eating disorder distortions. Try to keep that in mind if you can. If you're having trouble, maybe talk to your parents about it since they seem helpful and supportive of your recovery journey. My therapist always recommends sitting next to someone while I eat during my harder times. That might work for you as well.
As for what people say, at the end of the day, they don't know what's happened to you. Even if you're talking about your relatives or friends, they still most likely don't know the in-depth horrors that come along with having an ed. Lots of people don't know anything about what we struggle with, and that leads to the ignorant comments we all fear.
If someone says something to you, here are a few things you could say:
"I'm not comfortable talking about my food choices/body/ed right now."
"Can we change the subject?"
"It's a private matter, and I don't really feel ready to speak on it now."
"Please don't make comments about my body/food choices/ed."
Or if you're more shy, like I am, you could always ask a question or say something about something widely different or get them talking about something you know they love to talk about.
You could always just get up and leave. That one has worked for me countless times. Say you're getting a call, excuse yourself to the bathroom, say you're getting something and will be right back.
It's going to be hard to hear negative things about your recovery. If you can, try to remember that someone speaking negatively on someone else's body or food choices is caught up in diet culture themselves. It sucks, but the world places too much value in losing weight and being thin. If someone says something to you about your weight, you could tell them that you're actually doing the healthy thing. I think I've actually told someone who was talking about my body that I used to be anorexic, and that shut them up pretty quickly. You totally don't have to do this, I just thought I'd mention it lol.
Some of my personal favorite recovery blogs are:
@ed-recovery-affirmations
@recoverycat
@ana-recovery-positivity
@atinycupofpositivitea
if anyone has any other recs please leave a comment!
I wish you nothing but the best in your recovery journey, anon. You can do it, I promise. Again, I'm so happy for you and very proud you've chosen this journey. Sending you love <3
If you need to talk, please don't hesitate to send me a message or another ask!
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ooohhh because you asked me sth similar before i'm curious on what got you into OnlyOneOf (and or the whole story of what made you a lyOn~)? [but i can say that last line is exactly how i felt about tbz- that they mean a lot to me more than i ever expected- isn't it funny how that happens?]
Ok. Out of all my stanning stories, this may be the weirdest one. Brace yourself this will be long.
Stress has been making me feel like crap this semester and when I saw Oneus in March I instantly felt better for a little while. I lamented to my educational therapist that the Oneus concert may be my last concert in a long time since I’m going to uni soon so she encouraged me to just go to another concert, any concert.
I decided to research who would be touring soon and there were Enhypen and TXT that I could buy tickets for but I know barely anything about them so I’m not gonna spend hundreds of dollars on shitty seats. I knew probably just as much about OnlyOneOf but they had the perk of being in a small venue with way less expensive tix so I decided to give them a listen before making any decisions.
I liked what I heard and desperately craved to see pretty boys up close again, so I bought VIP tix because I experience catharsis through seeing pretty boys in person. This was all a few weeks ago.
I get bored with certain variety shows easily these days so I made a post asking for fun recommendations to help me learn more about OnlyOneOf. So I checked out the recommendations and all the music videos.
I liked that they had some really sexy concepts and were somewhat reminiscent of Gen 2. But what really made them special for me was not just their UndergrOund idOl project but their attitudes to it as well. It was professional but not at all detached. They were invested, very much cared, and were not uncomfortable but were also not overly excited about it or too proud of themselves for it. I watched the behind the scenes for all those music videos and really appreciated how natural they all were about it.
They seemed to recognize that by depicting explicitly gay relationships they were doing something different but they themselves didn’t treat gay relationships as alien or different. As a queer person, this resonated with me deeply, especially considering that they live in a much more socially and legally restricted society than I do as an American.
And of course they’re attractive and have good teamwork and seem really funny, but if it was only that, they wouldn’t be so meaningful to me.
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Hello! I really appreciate what you do with this blog! :) And wanna say thank you for this!
I'm here looking for advice on persecutors!
I recently found another portion of the headspace, wich contains multiple houses with persecutors or trauma holders in each house (i'll be calling this place "The Neighbourhood")
I as a host with "gatekeeper abilities" and general powers in headspace am totally capable to go to each house and i've actually interacted with two residents of the neighbourhood that are harmless. However, i don't really know how to get to interact with the other residents that are more dangerous or defensive, the gate that separates our regular headspace from the neighbourhood is key to our outerworld safety, so letting the residents of the neighbourhood out would be extreme chaos.
I don't really have access to my therapist right now and we've been working on our system ourselves, so at least getting to know our persecutors names would work for our system mapping.
Any advice on how to interact with them? :/
AWWWW.. And my greatest “you’re welcome” would be going on more in-depth explanation, and my own experience of handling one (two actually) probably in a step by step! But let’s do the opening first.
It’s fine if you can’t get a therapist currently, no, it’s better this way (imo) because persecutors are super reluctant to talk to people who could help them and even lash out (especially ours doesn’t need to mention a therapist, mentioning a friend to talk to also aggravates them well) so doing this alone may work better.
These people hold many traumatic moments (assuming bc both of them do, and different things) and this makes discussion harder when it comes to confronting about something specific. Their arrogance and violent tendencies acts like a cherry on top because jesus christ.. right? It couldn’t be any worse (it could) so here are the steps:
Intimidation: yes, they can be intimidated even if they look intimidating themselves. I highly recommend you talking to them as if you’re both in the same level to keep the defensiveness tamed, it also removes one more reason to act cocky to you (this applies to both of ours because they tried to fight for a position if there is one at the first place)
2. Intro: you gotta act polite to these people too, it makes them slightly more respected and would listen to what you have to say,, also, for a fact that persecutors aren’t 24/7 bad and have a chill side, though its different for everybody because it have many looks. Im just saying being nice deters more bad compared to being bad that breeds more bad.
3. Patience: the hard part is, it’s a really long process to get them to warm up with you,, if they have something to say be it hate or cuss or some honesty.. you should listen to them, no need to take it to heart but atleast have them vent those frustration or thoughts because they keep ALOT of those inside (atleast ours) so by giving them a space to let them out, it’ll be great. Although im saying there will be a boundary here, they cannot harm you or throw threats.. this part is on you because i don’t personally know them to dismiss the topic carefully.
4. Teach: they’ll use bad coping or tactics that further harm the collective if no one suggests them, or tell them what’s the right way of doing things. Im thinking this is formed from habit and because its the only thing they know how to handle things so theres no other options but exposing them to knew things they can try for a healthier outcome, for both parties. One of our persecutor doesn’t even know morals and i teached her why things are that way with good reasons like asking “do you want that to happen to you???” And get a resounding no, changed her way. Profit.
5. Healing: last but not least.. this needs them overcoming their own trauma and fears too, if they’re stuck at fear mode and with the constant anxiety if things will go wrong, it’ll perpetuate the need to keep their members in line and their justifying actions caused by violence, saying “its needed/because im being helpful/it works” and the self sabotaging urges.
Really hope this is a first aid guide that you can use to properly handle a persecutor (and more), just letting you know trial and errors are necessary here so don’t be afraid if you did something wrong or whatnot,, it’s a valuable lesson uncover patterns. Also don’t forget to not do this alone <3
- j
#did#actually did#did community#did system#did osdd#plural#dissociative identity disorder#system stuff#sysblr#janswersask
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A Quick Review of Camp Damascus
So I had a six hour plane flight and a new book and I finished it in one sitting and gave myself air sickness while doing it, but in my opinion it was worth it.
Camp Damascus by two time hugo award finalist Chuck Tingle is a novel about the horror of religious bigotry, conversion therapy, and indoctrination. Demons are also involved. It's tightly paced, evocatively written, and doesn't shy away from the fact that despite all the dismemberment that happens, this is a story about the triumph of love over hatred.
Chuck is open in interviews that he finds a lot of his inspiration in film and visual media and this is really clear in his writing style. Probably one of the most cinematic novels I've read recently, I found myself thinking very frequently "oh man I bet this would look so cool in a film adaptation" (and I do sincerely hope this gets a film adaptation someday because it would rock as one). Similarly the way scenes are paced, and the transitions between them, were reminiscent of a movie or TV show. It keeps the novel brisk, and full of momentum. And while there were points I felt could have used a little more room to breathe, or a little more tension, it never quite tipped over into feeling rushed. Breezy would be the word I'd use.
Unfortunately the pacing did keep me from really being able to get immersed in the horror side of things. The descriptions were vivid, visceral, and imaginative, but I never really sank into that headspace of suspenseful dread that usually comes to me while watching or reading horror. This is a personal hangup/preference, I can't say whether other people would find the novel very scary, but even if I didn't engage with the novel as horror I did enjoy it on the level of an action thriller.
I also appreciated Rose, and the way Chuck is able to so masterfully characterize both her autism and her deep religious indoctrination. When authors attempt to write characters deep in the throes of a religious upbringing, they tend to write too much rationalization into the character. They approach the worldview from the idea that this character knows what they believe is false and they have to constantly talk themselves in to their own faith. When the character loses their faith it is because they are confronted with something they can't justify.
Rose doesn't justify her faith to herself because she doesn't need to. These beliefs are just facts to her. The Sky is blue, water is wet, being gay is immoral. That's just how the world is. Anyone who says otherwise is just wrong, either because they are misinformed and need to be corrected, or because they are malicious and need to be avoided.
It really is that simple for someone who hasn't yet interrogated their own belief system. And likewise Chuck absolutely nails the voices of the religious community members Rose is surrounded by, from the therapist she sees, to her parents, to the head of Camp Damascus itself. It's all excellent character writing.
I haven't read any of Chuck's erotica, so I can't speak to how similar the writing in Camp Damascus is to the other works in his catalogue, or whether people who enjoy those stories would enjoy this one. I very much enjoyed Camp Damascus though, and would whole-heartedly recommend it to anyone looking for a fun and energetic story about love, community, and overcoming the people who would keep you in the closet for good.
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CW - non-detailed mentions of abuse from spouse and parents, depression & sui thinking, self harm mention
How can I have control of my life? I'm severely disabled physically so I don't leave my bed easily. I was traumatized by over-controlling parents so I don't even have a reference for control. I recently left a relationship that was also heavily controlling and abusive so the issue is re-presenting and I've been hoarding and occasionally self harming to try to feel any control and it's so compulsive I haven't been able to stop myself. I've started even hoarding obvious trash for the first time in my life. I have no access to a therapist right now and I'm on benefits so I can't even, like, make some friends at a job or college that I could talk to. I just want to have control of something. I just want to be able to make choices for myself that will actually make things better. I need some form of non-destructive control over myself or I'm worried my suicidal behaviour will rear its head too. Any advice you can give would be appreciated, especially from a mod who's disabled too.
-Antoine
When you're severely disabled and traumatised, it's hard to control your own life, which can result in a myriad of self-destructive behaviour, including those you've mentioned. It's completely normal, I promise.
Firstly, I recommend support groups - if you have Discord, have a look on disboard for disability-oriented servers. The big ones can be overwhelming at first, but you can decide how involved you are and attempt to make friends.
There are also Facebook groups you can join, especially ones about your specific conditions, which may help - they may have tips and tricks on managing your symptoms and making your life easier to deal with. This may not give you the exact control you're looking for, but consciously making your life easier, even if only slightly, is a form of control.
Secondly, you might want to do some experimenting - you appear to feel trapped, which is very valid given your personal circumstances, but a good way to stop feeling trapped could be by figuring out what you can do. What can you enjoy without harming yourself? On my worst days, I can lay in bed and play The Sims on my laptop, and that small enjoyment really helps because even though my body is forcing me to rest, I have a bit of control in how I spend that time.
Another option could be learning how to crochet, which will keep your hands busy - a set of hooks costs £5 or less here in England, so I hope you can also find cheap hooks where you are if you're interested, and if you can get cheap wool, it gives you something to do as there are loads of tutorials on YouTube. Obviously, I don't recommend it if you have problems with your hands or you can't afford it, but looking into creative hobbies may help you. Creating can be really helpful to deal with your emotions or process what you're going through, but it can also be fun - both of these things could be good for you as it gives you control and it might help with your self-harming.
This is going to be a long process of figuring out what works for you, as what works for me may not work for you, but it will be worth it, and we're always here for you if you need to talk or need more specific advice.
-Mod Chantelle
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Hiii :) Can i ask for writing advice? If so, How do you write robs advice? Or how do you write a character giving advice to another character without being “problematic” and having the advice actually make sense? How do you make solutions in a fic?
I know solutions are not black and white but i still struggle with writing them. If you could help i would appreciate it so muchhh❤️
Oh, sure. I don't know how helpful I can be on this front, but I'll throw my two cents together.
So, part of it is just experience. Idk how old you are, but I am at least not desirable to Leonardo DiCaprio. Life has thrown me some real curveballs, I've done the therapy thing a couple times. Just having some life under my belt helps a lot in writing Rob stuff. I've got some perspective, I've talked with therapists and had my brain thoughts prodded and shaped to be Better, to be more aware of them and my emotions to better manage them.
So, that's what I'm drawing from when I write Rob stuff and advice. I try to do my best with it, but I wouldn't base anything Real off of what I have Rob say. I don't know that it would hold up under the scrutiny of an actual therapist. But I write what I think sounds good and makes sense to me from how I'm thinking about Number's thoughts/reasoning and where it should be interrupted/redirected. I know where Five's thinking is broken, so I know where Rob needs to prod.
And that's not to say you can't write people giving advice or therapist characters if you don't have experience with them. I'm really lucky I've been able to get the therapy I needed when I've needed it. But for writing it, all it's really based in is self-care and working on healthy thought patterns, which are things you can look up and read about. There are so many self-help articles and books out there. I also like listening to HealthyGamer on YouTube, which I recommend anyway. He's a therapist that interviews/talks with streamers and also breaks down big mental health ideas (how to set boundaries, ADHD, depression, gifted kids...). I've learned some good stuff from him, and his interviews are interesting.
I don't totally follow what you mean by problematic (message me a follow-up if there's a specific thing that's relevant). If it's a fear of giving bad advice, I have two fronts for that. 1) This is fanfic. I don't have a disclaimer of "hey don't follow any medical advice given in this fic" because I think that should be self-explanatory. I do the best I can, I work to make it sound good, but at the end of the day, I am writing this for free in my evenings after my real job. If someone is really mad about what I'm writing, there's a back button at the top of the screen. 2) You don't want all your advice to be Right. Characters have misunderstandings, maybe don't read a situation right and give the wrong advice. Maybe they're just not experienced enough to say the right thing or don't have all the information they need to make the right call. I think it makes it more meaningful to not have a 100% accuracy for a character doing/saying the right thing. They're human. It's more interesting, too.
How advice comes across also depends on the relationship of who's giving it and who's receiving it. In Joining Together, Rob is a psychiatrist, he's over 15 years older than Five, and isn't associated with the Umbrella Academy. Advice from him hits much different than, say, Klaus telling Five the same thing. Five might listen to Rob from the getgo. He is going to ignore Klaus on principle, at least until it really bites him in the ass and then he might grudgingly consider the advice. Use that, use your characters and their existing relationships to shape how advice is given and how it is heeded (or not). The reader may know if advice is good or not, but your characters don't - use that possible irony. It's delicious.
Lastly, and broadly, how do you make solutions in a fic. If you have a more specific question directed towards this, feel free to follow up. But, interpreting this as "how do you fix things" outside of the overarching plot, it's about having a starting point and and end point, and then mapping out how you get from Point A to Point B (...which is also what you do for the overarching plot). How you map is up to you - many people outline, I don't; it's all just in my head with a general trajectory. But you need little steps between those points so that readers can notice that progress is happening, that it's not a sudden change. An example from Joining Together is that Five had to go from Asshole Loner Number Five to Friends With Rob And Sarah. This took me like 60k words to do, which I did not expect, but was how slow it had to grow for it to feel realistic for Five. The steps we had to get through were 1) Five works with Sarah 2) Five realizes he respects Sarah 3) Five learns Sarah will apologize when she's hurt him 4) Five learns he can rely on Sarah for help when he's hurt 5) Five tries to go to Sarah for emotional help (he gets Rob) 6) Five learns both Rob and Sarah have his back and can be trusted -> Friends. How to pace a journey from A to B depends on the journey, the fic, and the fic length. The technical side of pacing growth is something you figure out through experience, just writing and playing around with what you're doing until you're happy.
This got long, but hopefully it's not just me rambling to hear my own voice and there's something helpful in there. I spend a lot of time just Thinking and then, once I do have words down on the page, tweaking to get it to flow and feel right.
#feel free to follow up if there was something specific#i like talking about writing so feel free to ask any time#altho caveat is that i'm just a hobby writer and making it up as i go#i enjoy what i write tho and seems like a lot of you do too#it's been fun to note how i've improved over the past two years#anyway - hope this is somewhat helpful and happy writing#writing#ask response#long post
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I’ve been struggling recently with heavy emotions of sadness and almost something like regret of my past selves decisions. I realize a lot of what I am going through is kind of a consequence of my past selfs actions and I’m just wondering, how do you forgive yourself and be okay with not letting the past repeat itself? Or tips to help move on and push forward.
Specifically right now, I am in school for the first time since high school (it’s been 3 years) and working at the same time.
I moved back home in September because I had a rough summer of drinking and drugs and have ever since then begun what I think is my first steps in healing.
I love my job and appreciate the people there.
I also love my family and appreciate their support as well.
I have built a pretty good routine and habit for myself since and do reflection/goal setting but ever so recently I realized I have been suppressing my stress of change and it all came fuming out the bottle - I have a bakers cyst on the back of my knee and I have been sick with a cold for like a week.
My body wants to slow down I see now and my mind has been racing with what this means.
I have ambition and I want to keep going so I guess I’m learning the balance of letting go and when to push for more.
Any tips?
*Disclaimer: I am not a mental health, professional and I can only speak from my own experience. What worked for me may not work for you.
On regret and forgiveness…
This one is outside my experience because one of the few things my anxiety and depression do not struggle with is regret. The past is immutable. No amount of regret is going to change it. This is probably why my anxiety and depression are completely focused on the future because the future is entirely mutable.
One strategy that helps me, however, is to put post-it notes up around the house with messages and affirmations that I need to remember. Perhaps you could put one up that says something like, “the past is immutable, I did the best I could, and even if I didn’t, I can’t change it now. I forgive myself.” I tap them and repeat them as I go by. I also like to visualize hugging myself, giving myself love, and telling myself that it’s going to be OK. Maybe this is something you could do with an image of your former past self, hug them, and forgive them, again, and again, and again.
It’s also important to take your focus off of the past and into where you are now. And, where you are now sounds like an amazing starting point for healing. Congratulate and be proud of yourself that you have taken important steps like moving back home, like reflecting and goal setting, and even realizing that you need to heal. I’m proud of you and you should be proud of yourself too.
Something else to realize is how young you are if you’ve only been out of high school for three years. I’m 38 years old and life, while it’s short, is also amazingly long. You have so much time to heal. And I hate to say it but it takes time. I’ve been on an intensive healing journey for 3 to 4 years now and I still have a long way to go. I hope that doesn’t sound demoralizing. It’s meant so that you give yourself grace and don’t set yourself up with unrealistic expectations. Being your best self takes time and work but it’s worth it.
If your stress is manifesting physically then yes, I agree that you need to slow down. Your mental and physical health are so much more important than any timeline you have for your life. See above about how young you are, but I would give the same advice to someone my age or older. Why race to the end if you’re not going to be well when you get there?
Finally, I would recommend this to absolutely anyone who sent me an ask, to seek therapy, or some kind of counselling if you can. Nothing has helped me more than having a professional guiding this journey. Fair warning, finding the right therapist is not easy. I tried three before I hit the jackpot with the fourth one.
I wish you all the good healing vibes. 💞
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you can ignore this ask if you want but do you have any good resources for being in a polyamorous relationship with someone with bpd? im also disabled with fibromyalgia and sometimes it hurts too much to even cuddle and they give me that space but it makes them miserable and i just have no clue what to do and your one post from months ago about relationships says reading is important but i dont know what to read or where to start and i dont want to run into misinformation that will make my relationships worse (also to clarify i dont have bpd, im pretty sure i have aspd so its still cluster b but i dont think i understand much about bpd other than the symptoms, idk how to help them heal) (also we cant afford therapists rn rip)
Unfortunately when it comes to books about BPD (or any cluster B pd) and relationships I've yet to find any that are worth recommending. The closest I've come is watching Crazy Ex Girlfriend on Netflix with my partner and regularly pausing it to talk about how my symptoms relate or differ. (And even then the show is dramatized but at least it's funny!)
For myself I had to learn that I am 100% responsible for my mental and physical health issues. I'm the only one who can truly understand myself and my needs - and with that I'm the only one who can clearly express to others how they can help. The best thing my partner(s) can do it make it clear that they are a safe place to communicate - and when.
Today my primary and I had a kid free day and I had expected we would spend it doing things together. Instead, I woke up midday and he spent all of his time tending to his garden - even long after I woke up. I felt immense rejection! While my initial impulse was to pout and behave negatively - I had enough coping skills to recognize that my partner was not ignoring me (he was doing things he likes to do in his free time like a normal person!), and to busy myself with things I enjoy. When he finally took some time to sit I communicated I was feeling a little ignored because I expected the day to go differently (how could he know this? He can't read my mind.) I then asked to watch a movie (solution to connect for a bit today). His response was empathetic and without judgement. Hug, kiss, movie time.
I have to remember that as partners we can't read each other's minds nor solve each other's problems. There has to be a good balance between recognizing our own autonomy/responsibility and collaboration. Which only works through communication.
In short, your partner is the only one who can help you understand them.
Things that have helped in lieu of therapy. Polysecure is a book high on my recommendation list. I've personally found a lot of help and support in groups like Codependents Anonymous and Emotions Anonymous. Dialectical Behavior Therapy skills can be learned online and there are some fantastic workbooks (DBT was created for BPD). I also really like the Emotional Freedom Technique and Somatic Therapy skills.
I think those of us with Fibro and Chronic Pain issues end up in a lot of similar situations where our partner(s) feel rejected when we can't be physical. No matter how much validation or words of affirmation we might give. I like putting my legs on someone's lap or hand holding when full cuddling is too much. When touching at all is too much sharing a weighted blanket (or giving them one) or a big stuffed animal has been a decent workaround.
Hope something in all of that helps. I appreciate you reaching out!
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January 9, 2023: Dealing with Grief
I’m sorry I haven’t posted anything for a long while. For a time I was very stressed trying to work on gifts for my family before Christmas.
Then, the morning of Christmas Eve, my dog passed away. I haven’t really talked about it or processed it. I didn’t post about it on social media and other than my family dealing with it, I only told my boyfriend and one close friend. My other two friends whom I care deeply for, I wanted to tell them but I didn’t because I was scared to ruin the Christmas mood. My Christmas was utter hell. The presents were cool, family dinner was cool. but the fact of what happened haunts me still, and ruined Christmas, I don’t think Christmas will ever be the same for me. I talked about it with my therapist and now my therapist is out of the country and I won’t see him for another couple of weeks so I kind of have to deal with this on my own.
He’s gone. I don’t know what to do. I want to hurt myself so bad and I just keep thinking about him. Thinking about him makes me relive the trauma, and on top of that makes me relive trauma of my other animals passing and even my grandparents passing. It hurts so bad. It reminds me of how when these types of things happen my family simply doesn’t talk about it. They deal with the pain on their own. I feel so alone in my grief. Even my boyfriend doesn’t entirely understand my grieving process, hell I don’t even understand my grieving process.
I want him back so bad, I’m still half in denial, half coming to terms but I scream and cry at night, almost every single night, I leave my light on now at night and listen to people talk as I fall asleep, that way I don’t feel so alone.
His name was Lancer, he was at least 15 years old, I had known him for a good majority of my life. We would give him cute nicknames like Lancer the Prancer, and Lancito the bean and cheese burrito. He was a good dog. As I write this I’m crying and I just want to die. I want to see him again. I want to see all my animals and grandparents again. I just want to go home, wherever home is now.
I keep reliving that moment over and over again. It doesn’t ever leave my head. I’ve been very irritable lately, getting into fights constantly with my boyfriend, and I know its party the fault of me still dealing with my grief. I got into a fight with my dad recently too, I’m so tired of dealing with everything. I’m not gonna do anything bad to myself though I really wish I could.
I’m 103 days clean from self harm.
Do you guys have any book recommendations on dealing with grief or tips on dealing with grief? I would really appreciate it. Thank you for reading my post.
-Peaches
#book recs wanted#dealing with loss#dealing with grief#bpd#bpd blog#bpd feels#bpd stuff#coping with grief#grief#books about grief#tips on how to cope#i miss him#christmas was shit
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I think you and your readers will appreciate a documentary on Netflix called Stutz. Jonah Hill made a film about his therapist and its the two of them sitting down and talking for an hour and a half. Jonah wanted to honor Dr.Stutz for how he managed to help him, for others to have tools for life , for how to change your mind set. Anyone can take away something from this therapy session and it's worth a watch.
But a couple of things made me think of Harry. I saw people saying how innapropropriate it was for Harry's therapist to come to his show because she crossed some dr/patient boundary. And here Jonah filmed actual therapy sessions where they both bare themselves. By acknowledging his therapist, Harry did the same thing just in a smaller scale. He's saying it's ok to be vulnerable and get your yourself to therapy to get your mind in working order. And when she was there last year, and he screamed at her "now do you understand," that could have just as easily been a part of his therapy session for her to understand why he makes decisions for his life. I appreciate that bit of vulnerability Harry showed.
Another thing that made me think of Harry, which maybe is innapropropriate because this is about Jonah but I couldn't help it. Jonah was talking about how the media found something to latch onto and they would constantly talk about his weight so he would feel on edge, anxious and angry. And i just think how Harry must feel everytime he gets accused of queerbaiting or of hiding his sexuality. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think i saw some of that anxiety during a round table discussion with the cast of My Policeman. The director, Emma and David were openly talking about being queer and what it meant for them to be in this movie, and Harry got this anxious followed by a vacant/distant look on his face. But I won't elaborate on any of that because that's not what this anon is about. I just wanted to recommend an excellent documentary for you guys.
Oh anon - there's a lot here. I'm sure people can watch Jonah Hill's documentary if it appeals to them, but I think some of the comparisons that you're drawing are wide of the mark.
You're telling quite an elaborate story here, to try and suggest that something Harry has been criticised for is good actually. It reads to me like a defensive mechanism and the point where I would encourage people to stop and listen
Here's how I understand the therapist situation. Going to a concert is a very unusual thing for a therapist to do, in that sense it is interesting (and the interaction was definitely interesting). I'm not particularly interested in talking about whether it's wrong or not (because I'm more interested in it). But I have seen people use that as a reason to criticise Harry - something that I see as absolutely unfounded. It's the therapists job to hold that sort of boundary within therapy, not the client's.
But I think holding it out as something altruistic that Harry is doing to promote therapy is to me also completely misunderstands the situation. Harry's therapy relationship should be about Harry and not telling other people that it's OK to be in therapy. Performing therapy for an audience so they see that therapy is OK, is complex in an intimate setting with a camera, it would be a disaster in front of 20,000 people at a live show. I don't think that that was what was going on, but I want to emphasise that I think it's a much bigger problem than a therapist making a decision around boundaries we don't understand for reasons we don't know.
******
I do think a lot about how Harry might think about the discussions of queerbaiting. When did he first hear about the idea of queerbaiting? What did he think about it? When did he first realise that it was being applied to him? What impact did that have? Was it before or after he'd signed to My Policeman? How does he feel now? What does he feel the options are?
I'm really interested in those questions (which of course we have no way of answering). I do think it's very odd for long term fans, who were here when Harry's nail polish was concealed (or in some cases saw Harry get his nails painted for what seemed like the first time) and before he picked up a Pride Flag to see what Harry is doing being understood as transitory and superficial and a performance. I have a friend who is a Harry fan and sometimes asks these questions - and I can't take it seriously - you don't know and it can't know.
And if it's weird for us, what must it be like for Harry?
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Help
Verity Tavern was thankfully empty. Unsurprising as it was only 5:30pm, but Tyson needed a drink and Ferne probably did as well. They entered with a jangly chime of the door, a few regulars raising their glasses as the rescue team passed the threshold.
"What'll it be today, boys?" The Audino behind the bar was cleaning out a glass and facing away but knew, based on the patron's reactions, exactly who they were referring to. "First round's on the house as always."
"Fireball please, a double shot," Tyson straddled his typical stool; halfway down the counter but close enough to have every emergency exit in sight as well as an unobscured view of the street outside. "You guys do food this early?'
"For you boys? Always. What'll you have, Ferne?"
"You ever get that new wine you told me about last time?" Ferne was still standing, peering across the way at the corkboard by the stage. Nothing pinned up looked exciting. "That uhhh..... Y'know, Tyson knows."
"It was a Roseli." Tyson didn't even flinch as he knocked back his double shot, bowing his head as he was immediately poured another.
"Right, right," The Audino narrowed their eyes in thought. "Lemme check the back. Y'all both want food?"
"Salad for me," Ferne gestured with his thumb to his partner. "And you know how the carnivore eats."
"A double cheeseburger would be nice, thanks, Conch." Tyson pressed his forehead to the cool wooden counter.
"No problem, be right back."
The pair went silent for a few moments. One of the patrons shuffled over, sliding a few dollars towards Tyson's elbow. Probably for the second drink. When they were younger, Tyson and Ferne would fervently argue any tips or donations. They were in a rescue team. The work itself was an honorable charity. Plus, the city paid them well for their endeavors, and most businesses waived a majority of their fees. To the local's credit, the city would be half-destroyed if not for the combined abilities of Captain Shoals and Major Woodland.
"You know what I think you need?" Ferne spoke up after a while, swilling his wine glass. It was very sweet and a deep burgundy color.
"If you say therapy--"
"--you need a therapist, Ty," Ferne sipped and nodded sagely. "You need a professional who can help you deal with this shit."
"I shouldn't have to 'deal with this shit', it's my job that I chose to undertake," Tyson turned his head, his scarred cheek squished against the counter. "I should be... Fine. I am fine."
"You sure as fuck ain't fine, old friend," The Sceptile raised his eyebrows accusingly. "I know you have mirrors in your apartment, I have no clue how you don't see how haggard you look."
"... I look haggard?" Tyson squeaked.
"Yeah, bud. You look like shit."
They went quiet again. Conch brought out their food and Ferne salivated. Verity Tavern had damn good fare, including their mixed salad. Ferne dumped vinaigrette all over it, drowing the tangy cheese, nuts, various dried fruits and seeds. Even as a vegetarian, he could appreciate how incredible Tyson's food looked. He also appreciated that a bulky guy like him still ate his veggies, not shying away from having his burger loaded with classic toppings like lettuce, tomato, onions, and the like.
"I got a therapist and I'm doing great." Ferne spoke around a mouthful of food. He didn't flinch when Tyson reached out to wipe his chin with a napkin.
"You did?" The Swampert guffawed.
"Hell yeah. You think I picked up writing on my own?"
"I mean... Yeah, you have a genuine passion for poetry."
"Nah," Ferne gestured with his fork then shook his head. "I mean yeah, I do. But my therapist is the one who recommended it. I never would've even considered that shit if not for her."
Tyson munched on a few fries and thought.
"You should pick up a hobby, too, and not--"
Ferne leaned forward slightly, narrowing his eyes when Tyson opened his mouth. He immediately snapped it shut.
"--not just going to the gym. You can't punch your feelings away."
"But that's part of the reason why I go to the gym," Tyson pouted. When he took a bite of his burger, juice and sauce oozed over his fingers. Delicious. "I already have a non-gym hobby, it's just..."
"That doesn't count," Ferne's expression softened. "I mean a hobby you don't feel compelled to hide from people. That's just adding more baggage. Not that you should stop! I know you've made some friends and the community's real supportive."
As Tyson looked more and more defeated, Ferne wrapped his arms around his broad shoulders and shook him gently.
"Chin up, big guy, I'm just trying to offer you some solutions, okay? I'm worried about you."
"That means a lot, Ferne," Tyson sighed and forced a smile. "I think I also need to relax, people keep saying I'm real uptight and I care too much about being professional and presentable."
"Duh, you wear a sweater vest and a tie on missions," Ferne snorted. "We'll work on it, champ, no sweat."
They ate in silence for a while until Tyson had only a few cold limp fries left and Ferne couldn't help but push the last dregs of wet seeds and berries around his plate. They closed out their tab, most of the meal comped, and made for the door.
"You wanna come hang at my place?" Ferne smiled at the sunshine. He loved summer. "I was gonna binge watch that new sitcom. I'll get us pizza."
"Maybe another time," Tyson stuffed his fists in his pockets and kicked a pebble on the sidewalk. "I think... I've got some stuff to do."
Ferne beamed and slapped him on the back. Brick wall that he was, Tyson didn't even budge.
"Good on you, bud. See you tomorrow?"
"Yeah, see you tomorrow."
Ferne strode in the direction of his apartment, only a block down from Tyson's. The Swampert watched him until he disappeared around the door, then about-faced. He wouldn't be going home for a good few hours and that quickened his pulse and put a little smile on his face.
His destination was the club.
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