#I’m a sensitive little fuck

[tsurugis]

oh my god a while back when I was writing Fenriel with his mother and she gets pretty physically violent with him, I was like. my mother didn’t do any of this shit to me, like the only physically rough things I remember her doing was beat me a couple times over the head when we were alone in a room and this one time she slapped me in the face in front of my sister. but that’s it lol I never thought she was very physical with me. and I was writing Fenriel’s mom like picking him up really roughly by his clothes snd throwing him and kicking him and shit. and I was like. this feels like I’ve experienced this in some way. BUT I DIDNT THINK I ACTUALLY HAD. like it felt so fucking familiar but I thought I was just vibing right kfjhkfjh the only reason I made Fenriel’s mother more violent is because I needed his life to be at risk enough that he would kill her in self defense lmfao but the other day my brother texted me and he was like. mom is telling me about some shit she did to you and “things I’ve done to her that will haunt me for the rest of my life” lolllll apparently she refused to say most of the things, that they were way too horrible. but she Did say that some of the small things included “violently” picking me up by my jacket and throwing me and screaming so aggressively that it made my sister start crying inconsolably. and another time I wouldn’t look at her while I was working on a puzzle so she kicked and destroyed the puzzle and then continued to kick me on the floor pfpfpfkjflkj *gandalf voice* I have no memory of this place. BUT APPARENTLY I DID. JUST A LITTLE.

I really reallllyyyy want to know what kind of shit she did that she can’t say. like right now bitch. I’m curious as fuck alright.

#I’m not even mad #she was fucked up for reasons #I mean I’m fucked up too and I can’t even begin to imagine doing that #I used to have nightmares about someone taking away my brothers blanket #where I would wake up sobbing kdjhfkjhf #I’m a sensitive little fuck #but still #she didn’t treat my siblings like this at all #I was the first and she had a badddd start lollllllll #she fucking hated me dudes #and she was always so mad that I didn’t retaliate at all she would scream at me to react but I just left my fucking body lol #ki rambling

[allthepandasintheworld]

Maybe this is a hot take but Clark Kent is sexy specifically bc he’s really strong but chooses to be kind and gentle send tweet

#not art #clark kent #Superman #i like him soft and gentle and a little awkward!!! #I’m like so gay for men who are sweet… who choose to be kind…… #like yes yes I know people think being good is boring whatever #i don’t give a fuck I think CHOOSING to be good #CHOOSING to believe in good things #that’s interesting and engaging and can be written extremely deep and very well #evil or dark Clark is… Noah fence but it’s kinda a bad take? like people think it’s subversive or whatever but it’s actually not #superman is actually very subversive already. he’s the pinnacle of masculinity and he is choosing to be kind and sensitive #two traits that are very not associated with masculinity #but you know what is? domination conquest and power tripping #like idk but I’m a little bit sick of the patriarchy I don’t really want to see more of it than I have to in the fiction I consume

[pinkfey]

older siblings on this website r soooooo annoying but also i know my experience is not universal 💆🏻‍♀️💆🏻‍♀️💆🏻‍♀️

#older siblings beat the shit out of their siblings six years younger than them then go ‘but i baked a frozen pizza for you 🥺’ #like for me.. my oldest brother’s ’light slaps’ and ‘play punches’ turned into actual abuse as we both got older #he terrifies me still. his addiction + the real beatings with real bruises started when i was so so so young and i thought it was my fault #he hit me so hard this year my eye is permanently damaged. the decade of abuse i endured was enabled when i was just a small child with #‘play fighting’ and ‘small hits’ #like oldest children are old enough to know not to hit. sorry idgaf how ‘parentified’ you were. #sensitive subjects idk idk #they don’t all turn out to be possessive domestic abusers i know. i’m an outlier. but like #don’t be surprised when your little sibling grows up to fucking hate you. quit directing your anger at your parents towards them #anyways.txt #abuse tw. #domestic abuse tw. #delete later

[andallthatmishigas]

God I’m so fucking tired of the world.

If you wanna say something, say it. Don’t go on anon and tell me what to do. You can share information without a directive. Thanks bye.

#am I a little sensitive right now? yes #I’m going to see a Jewish performer in San Francisco #and as a Jew? #feels pretty unsafe right now #I don’t want to hear any goy say fucking anything to me right now #because when people I otherwise align with are literally calling for my death #it’s fucking lonely dude

[dykethiing]

This thing fuckign bit me

#vibrat0r #this is the new toy I got LMAO #idk why it’s shaped like a unicorn but it’s fuckin insane #TWO vibrating motors with separate patterns #suction/air pulse AND a ‘tongue’ in there #not only did this thing get me so hard I looked like I had a t-dick but it can edge me for hours #and overstimulate too #and. and tickle 😳 a bit #I’m very sensitive ok DJDH #and when you turn on the back buzzy motor the little silicone tail vibrates like crazy and and and #insane for tickles or teasing ok #it’s so small and it was only $30 but the strength is INSANE #fucking wild #🫀

[badolmen]

Some of you will not enjoy your leftist utopia because you can’t let people believe in harmless things that you personally don’t believe in.

#ra speaks #personal #yes this is about people who talk about abolishing all religion in their leftist communes (lol. lmao even. good luck stopping weird little #kids from creating a cult around mud and frogs) #but also like. I recently been messaging w a writer on here that’s a bit younger than me #and they believe they can reality shift which. I don’t believe in. but I’m not going to be an ass and tell them that because they’re clearl #a) young and having fun with it and b) it literally hurts no one for them to ‘shift’ to the characters they write for inspiration #I’m autistic so maybe I’m just a little too sensitive to social intricacies but like #having tact when talking to someone who’s different than you is like. step 1 of fostering tolerance. #this isn’t like homeopathy or a mlm scheme if it’s not hurting anyone….it’s literally fine lol #you fuckers are the kind to grab some random kid off the street and be like LOL SANTA ISNT REAL HAHA WHY WOULD YOU BELIEVE THAT #and it’s like. it literally doesn’t hurt for them to believe it. hell even if they never grow out of it and you think it’s weird fuck you? #sorry you have no whimsy in your life and hate fun and are also probably an ableist

[mabelsguidetolife]

they stopped selling the only face moisturizer that has never broken me out or left me feeling dry………

#it was a cheap little old lady product so it’s not like i can look up dupes either m #even the brands for ‘sensitive skin’ fuck with me i’m so mad #i guess i’m cursed to have a bad face forever

[skhardwarevers1]

that feeling when you want to post a rant/vent but it just feels like another attempt to get attention <<<<<<<<<(x one million)

#Oh wow and would you look at that this in itself is just another way for me to get fucking attention #For being a sensitive little whiny bitch who can’t take a fucking joke #I’m just so fucking tired of this shit #I wannna say I don’t give a fuck what my dad has to say abt my life kr jokes he makes #But obviously that’s a fucking lie since I just spent half an hour violently sobbing in the shower #Todays not my day guys #I need to sleep for seventeen fucking years straight #Better than that just forever atp I’m so done with this shit #I just feel like everyone I know fucking hates me including myself #Like I fuck up one time and suddenly I’m not even trustworthy enough for you to trust that I fucking went to xtra help for a half hour #Like omfg just kill me already. I hate this shit. #And I know he was probably joking but like it still fucking hurts yknow? #And now I can’t leave my room cuz I look like a fucking mess and you can tell I’ve been crying #I’m actually ready to fucking just give up on all this shit #I’ve been trying so fucking hard to try to improve. I’m doing what you fucking asked me to like omfggggg #I dunno I just feel like shit I’ll be fine #Just me being a sensitive bitch again. Literally that’s all it ever is #Tbh if I never fucking dated my first partnrr I wouldn’t fucking be like thid #I fucking hate everything #Kill me #Whatever. This shit fucking sucks #Vent

[party-gilmore]

Check ALL The Warnings In The Tags If You’re Ducking Below The Read More.

DISCLAIMER: This is a post about me specifically and my broken fucking brain. I am not trying to make any sweeping statements about colonizer guilt or “activism burn-out,” of which others have made EXCELLENT points and i am not trying to draw away from those conversations at all. This is specifically about how my panic disorder and suicidal ideation are making it difficult for me to safely manage my level of involvement and interaction online, at the expense of the ability to actually put in the work for change out in the real world.

OKAY.

Last post on mobile. Tumblr is officially deleted from my phone. we are on Set Amount Of Time A Day - PC/Desktop only for a while.

To be very clear the point of this is not looking for sympathy or trying to be guilt trippy, just trying to get a hold of where my head’s at and let y’all know I’m not gonna be around so much but that I’m okay. Or least, this is me TRYING to be okay.

i CANNOT let the doom-scrolling keep affecting my ability to actually do anything that might actually help. The way i’ve been interacting on this site, trying to Stay Informed but blurring that line and crossing into constantly seeking more and more details that i NEED to admit i can’t handle, whether it’s the level of detail or the constantness of it or both…

the paralysis and anxiety and panic and - there’s an actual word for when you keep vividly imagining the absolute worst possible outcome but i can’t remember what it is, probably something else starting with “doom” - anyways the point is i clearly don’t have the ability right now to:

a) have any kind of ready access to The Horrors without making it… LITERALLY constant in my life. i don’t have the control to take it in measured doses, i need to recognize that if i have any kind of access all the time it WILL be a 100% deep dive nothing but the fucking trauma and abominations being inflicted on others in detail from the moment i get up until i finally clear my head enough to sleep for a few hours. which yeah i KNOW Palestinians in Gaza don’t GET that luxury it IS 24/7 all the time for them and I wouldn’t be complaint about that at ALL honestly if it weren’t for the fact that right now CLEARLY i do not have the fucking ability to

b) stop that from paralyzing me from any Real Action. It just locks me up. It SHOULDNT i should be able to compartmentalize that shit because physically for now i am fine my family is fine but instead i just fucking sit there , blankly staring as I scroll through atrocity after atrocity after atrocity that powerful governments are supporting, feeling like i cant do shit cuz it’s just getting worse and worse, then guilty that i feel like giving up, then GUILTY that i feel guilty because who am i trying to guiltrip here who CARES if I feel guilty when i’m not in the same situation they are they have it so much worse and they keep on going what would YOU do in that situation huh if you can’t even handle THIS - then that kicks of the vivid imaginings of me and my family experiencing that kind of slow death and dismemberment and being crushed by rubble then of course because we’re in america close to dc my brain jumps to nukes and how we’re in the zone JUST far away enough from DC for it not to kill us outright it would be slow and horrifying and painful and could i bring myself to at least get in the car and make it up to them so we could at least die together or would it be alone and afraid like all these people around the world are going through, that Palestine is going through, that my government is putting them through -

anyways it’s that spiral that keeps me sitting and scrolling and sitting and scrolling and wallowing in - what i genuinely thought was me just being a shitty fucking person but i realize now was actually genuinely - an anxiety attack (that’s the one that’s slow and creeping, right? panic is the fast sharp one) like an actual physically can’t shake myself out of “i forgot my brain was fucking broken, the adhd meds aren’t gonna magically fix everything” anxiety attack. Every goddamn day.

And let me be very clear again about my point here my point is not to try and guilt trip or garner sympathy my POINT is -

I cant do the kind of shit that actually helps anyone, in real fucking life, if I keep sending my brain into lockdown panic “All Is Lost, You Suck, Just Fucking Die” mode.

I want to be better, do better, be stronger, not have to look away at all. But I can’t trust myself not to fucking…. wallow in the goddamn despair of it all right now. So I need to take that option away.

Because who’s it really for, honestly? All the sharing and the posting? There’s a limit to what actually helps. The people following me have already made up their minds, one way or another. Sharing more of the same old shit isn’t going to actually CHANGE anything. Once youre through the new information of the day, the shit people actually need to know that they might not already… it feels like it’s just fucking… performative bullshit. like it’s all about making sure people SEE you still sharing all of this stuff. Oh look i’m still involved see how involved i am see how i’m still reading and sharing and posting all this stuff arent I a Good Activist?

What does any of that matter if it’s breaking my brain so much I can’t actually do any activism???

I would rather be considered weak and selfish by strangers on the fucking internet who don’t see me sharing as many posts as they think I should, but who ACTUALLY KEEPS WRITING the emails and MAKING the calls and SEEKING OUT events and disruptions and protests that maybe i can actually PARTICIPATE in

Than to keep showing off how i’m not “Looking Away” online but then spend every night sitting on my couch doing Fuck All about it, locked in a perpetual doom scroll through my For You page, imagining my flesh slowly burning and melting off as I hoist my whimpering dying dog’s body into the back of my car and desperately try to reach my parent’s house in time to say good bye and all go together, then shoving all that down into a flimsy box at the last minute to be able to smile at my mom and act like I just swung by to help with the floors instead of absolutely needing to see her and my father alive right now and touch them and fucking hate myself for indulging in that when Palestinians can’t so much that i force myself into an even deeper doom scroll next time as penance because how dare i look away for a MOMENT i can see them i can live i NEED to MAKE myself look at what’s happening-… rinse and repeat.

#thoughts of death #some suicidal ideation #mostly the worst bit is the last paragraph i might’ve gotten a little carried away with explaning my most common imagined death scenario #via Nuke #uuhhhh what else description of a hopelessness spiral #that i’m TRYING to fight it’s not going great but i’m TRYING #i think that’s about it. i swear despite these tags it’s a HOPEFUL post. it’s just i gotta be more realistic about how utterly FUCKED my #ability to stay sane about all this is in order to actually TAKE the steps i need to take to do something USEFUL about it #OH and brief but descriptive mention of dog death for those particularly sensitive to it

[skinreflectsthesun]

.

#Laughing at the fact that I’m going to be writing my dad a thoughtful little Father’s Day card #that is just filled with straight up lies. #what id rather say is this #thank you for making me aware of just how fucked up you are #thank you for spending the majority of my life convincing me my mom was the problem #thank you for never showing me what an actual loving and caring marriage looks like #thank you for making me feel like I have to always apologize but then telling me to stop apologizing #thank you for never coming to any of my soccer games but then pushing for the fact that you always had to work. #you actually didn’t you just didn’t care. #thank you for being a dick to my brother and making him feel like he had to go to extremes to be a man #thank you for calling me fat after I just had a baby. #thank you for causing conflict in my life during a sensitive time in my life where I’m trying to step into a role of motherhood #while also being a wife and daughter and trying to find myself again #thank you for always getting your feelings hurt but never wondering how you hurt mine. #thank you for never holding yourself accountable for your behavior and your actions #thank you for constantly guilting me by implying that you’ll die some day and I’ll feel bad #thank you for saying that I wouldn’t have any of the nice things in my life if it weren’t for my husband #my husband told me that’s just not true that I’m a good person who deserves good things regardless of if I’m with him or not. #thank you for cursing me by saying one day I’ll see how it feels to be you and how my son will treat me just like I treat you #he won’t. #because I’ll do better by him than you ever did for me. #anyways #happy Father’s Day #plz disregard this #I’m feeling things and need a space to put them

[prettyboysmlm]

not ace attorney making me cry at midnight

#WAAAAAAAAAHHHHH #BRIDGE TO TURNABOUT WHYYYYYYYYYYYY #THIS CASE IS SO SAD AND TRAGIC #AND FOR WHAT #i’m sorry just. goddamn these games #they make me feel emotions about silly little lawyer guys ;~; #AND ESPECIALLY THIS GODDAMN CASE #ITS TOO FUCKING HEARTBREAKING FOR MY POOR SENSITIVE HEART #i wish i had someone to ramble abt this with #but alas #no one i know has played any of the games #let alone the final super important big case of the main trilogy #that needs so much buildup and understanding of the characters in order for it to have its full impact #so i am forced to sit silently and suffer #but god i want to talk abt this with someone so fucking badly #k.txt #aa posting

[sunsoak]

Oh here they go again with the stop fetishizing fat people when all the post ever implied was that fat people can be sexy not in spite of their fat but because of it

#literally not to be mean but I’m gonna be mean. you need to accept your body more. #i used to get really offended by these things bc i hated the implication that i was a fat person and i didn’t want to accept that i was fat #and didn’t want to accept compliments about my body that are things only fat people have like a big tummy #there is no reason to feel that way. there’s a pretty obvious difference between fetishization and appreciation that i can see now #there are so so so many things about skinny bodies that are appreciated and complimented that fat people just don’t have #and no one ever seems to get offended about these things #like. stop being so fucking sensitive and accept that you and your belly that hangs a little over your waistband can be fucking hot #in the same way that a waistband might hang off a skinnier persons hip bones is sexy. like they’re both sexy and hot. #neither is better than the other they’re just both sexy things that bodies can do no matter their size #just whatever. accept your body more. accept the fact that ur fat and u can be sexy for it.

[ohgoddamnit]

Also hello what’s up cunts I’m cute today; behold

#thank god Snapchat is there to tell you I do not have sparkly freckles naturally #pro tip if you think you do not need over the ear headphones for noise sensitivity #yes you do #do you know how pleasant doing the dishes was just now #all I could hear was music #no clanking or constant rushing #fucking incredible #I’m in my own little bubble #and on the tail end of shrooms

[yourheartinyourmouth]

my companion pokemon in PoGo, a bulbasaur named Bulby, isn’t real and i’m like actually heartbroken about it.

#bulby i love you buddy #i wish you were real #adhd emotional sensitivity and hyper empathy is such fucking bullshit #i’m crying over a thing that isn’t real and doesn’t exist #but like husbeast and i thought of details abt him and it just hurts that i don’t have my little buddy here #he was at the pokemon center as a rescue #and nobody wanted him cuz he has a speech impediment and only one vine instead of two #but he’s my special boy and i love him #adhd is stupid #i’m stupid #fucking pack bonding to something that isn’t even real #this is tom and grogu all over again #i seem to have an affinity for tiny green things

[coldhands-sunkeneyes]

lol big shout out to michael for checking in with me after I told about some mildly concerning things that happened at my investigation tn

#I texted him like lol almost had a panic attack after doing estes but no big #and he’s like are you ok???? do you even know what you were talking to???? did it say something bad???? #and he face timed me to make sure I was home and safe at 3am 🥺 #and I’m literally like lol this happens all the time teehee. like sorry didn’t mention that I may or may not be sensitive to the paranormal #for the bit I’m a paranormal investigator. however sometimes I commit a little too much lol-character flaw I guess 🙄 #best part: this isn’t the first time at this fucking location I got vibe checked

[seilon]

one of my number one pieces of advice for transmascs starting t or who want to start t is WASH YOUR FACE. when you wake up and when you go to bed. get a decent acne-preventing facial cleanser and an oil-free moisturizer or whatever works for you and have a routine– preferably before going on t so you’re already used to it. my doctor was really surprised that I hadnt gotten much acne since starting t (almost 2 years now) and though it’s also partly genetics, I know for a Fact based on how quickly my face gets oily now that it’d be infinitely worse if not for getting used to washing my face more often/thoroughly. remember. yes this is like Puberty 2 BUT you have the fuckin heads up this time and can plan accordingly and that makes a BIG difference

#kibumblabs #transmasc #trans man #advice #hrt #idk why I felt the need to make this PSA but. yeah its important #I also recommend using some tretanoin overnight if need be #I never had a legit skincare routine until starting t and now it’s like. a requirement #I need it to Survive #for reference I use aveeno clear complexion foam face cleanser and Trader Joe’s brand oil-free facial moisturizer #the latter i lowkey stole from my roommate cause she got it as a gift and never used it and probably it forgot it existed #not some specialized brand or anything but it’s surprisingly really nice- and I’m real picky about what I put on my face cause it’s real #easy for moisturizers to make me feel real greasy (and without any moisturizer my skin dries out and gets patchy dry spots) #it’s very light and odorless but it does it’s job and a little goes a long way #this sounds like a sponsored ad now but look. I’m just saying #honestly it’s a fucking miracle I didn’t get terrible breakouts in middle school during Puberty 1 cause man I. I didn’t take my eyeliner off #when I went to bed alot of the time. and I don’t think I really washed my face at all #I have no idea how I lived like that it would drive me fucking insane as an adult #half cause of skin being more sensitive to that sorta thing now but half because I’m just way more of a neatfreak for lack of a better word #now and it’s so easy for me to feel uncomfortable when things aren’t clean and cleaned in a certain way #anyway I’m rambling