#If you don’t know why this exists I’m sorry-

[unbearableblog]

To my birthday. I wish myself to one day be loved like that. Based on a dream

Dream Dish

“Can you explain it a little more?”

“So, the outside was covered in dried cranberries and blueberries, but the inside was like… grass? I don’t know…”

“Grass? Sounds delicious,” he laughs.

“Shut up.”

Carmen listened intentively and moved away his curls as you described the dream you had, a certain dish that you tried there.

“Ugh, it was so weird? Like, I don’t think I’ve ever encountered this grass before. It was like hay, but green? And the outside of the dessert was like a fortune cookie, but brown?” you sigh in frustration, unable to describe its complexity in full, until an idea appears in your head. You quickly stand up and blurt out - “I’ll show you!”

You run to get the pencils and paper, leaving Carmen to sit amused on the bed. He knew waking up with you would be an adventure, but not in this way. Either way, he liked it.

“Here!” You put the paper down and frantically drew shapes and coloured them in, making the dream a reality.

“So! This is what it looks like.”

You paused from your driven spurt and realized that Carmen hasn’t said a word. He was silently looking at the paper.

“Sorry, this must be really boring to hear,” you suddenly shut down. After all, it was you who tried that magical dish, not him.

He looks up at you, then down at the paper. “No- …no, it’s a fascinating dish. I’m just tryna understand how it works,“ he still sounds kinda sleepy.

"It's okay, Carm, you don't have to."

Several days have passed and you moved on. You didn’t want to abandon your friends after getting a boyfriend, so today was one of the nights when you met up for a chat. When you came back, the apartment felt warmer and had a fruity scent - Carmen must have tried something for the restaurant.

You take your heels off and tiptoe to the kitchen, curious. He hasn’t heard you come in, so he is still hunched over the counter. Your eyes shifted to the table - and you wondered whether you were awake.

“Carmen? What’s that?”

“Shit!” he jumps, at which you chuckle, “when’d you come back?”

“Right now,” you say hesitantly, “why, was I not supposed to?”

“Of course not,” he comes to hug you. His arms are on your waist, and you know he can still smell your perfume. “I just wanted to surprise you,” he releases you and turns to the table.

You recognize the dish.

“Is that-”

“Yes, baby, that’s your dish,” he smiles and looks kinda proud.

“Can I try it?” you ask, and he reaches down to take the plate and a spoon. You break the cookie in half, inspect the filling, and eat it. As you chew, the insanity of the situation grows on you. This is a made-up dish. From your dream. You’re eating it.

“I-I’m sorry, I couldn’t find the exact grass you were talkin’ about, I had to switch it out with-”

“It’s okay, Carm, I’m sure that if it existed you would have found it,” you put the plate down and your hands slide to his arms, “It’s amazing. It didn’t taste nearly as good in the dream,”

“It is pretty good, isn’t it?” he takes the other half of the cookie and eats it too.

“Hey, that’s mine!”

”I made it.”

“I came up with it.”

He doesn’t respond, just smiles at you. You look him in the eyes and think how happy you are.

“I love you,” he whispers and gives you a kiss.

#carmen berzatto #carmen berzatto fanfiction #the bear #carmy berzatto #the bear show #carmy x reader #carmy x you #the bear season 2 #carmy the bear #writing #the bear fanfiction #fanfiction #fanfic #carmen berzatto imagine #carmy berzatto x reader #carmen berzatto fluff #carmen berzatto x reader #carmen berzatto angst #carmen berzatto smut #the bear fx #carmy x fem!reader #carmy bear #the bear fic #the bear series #the bear hulu #writers on tumblr #ao3 writer #archive of our own

[eddaawrites]

Stay over?

Tara yummy

Summary- You and Tara have a sleepover and things escalate quickly

Warnings - Smut, cunnilingus, dom!reader, sub!tara.

Inspired by this request

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Getting into my car I back out of my driveway to go pick Tara up for our sleepover. It’d been a while since we’d hung out and I missed her so much. If I was being honest, I’ve had feelings for her for quite a while. And for good reason.

She’s one of the sweetest people I know, always putting others before herself. And the way she carries herself, like she’s the only person in the world. And don’t get me started on her looks, the woman is unconditionally and breathtakingly stunning.

The way her eyes shine in the light. Dark as the night sky, stars dancing on their surface.

The way her hair falls from her shoulders, so perfectly.

She’s everything I ever dreamed of and more.

So when I walk into her apartment after unlocking the door with my spare key, and see her dancing on the middle of the floor, swaying her hips to music playing on her tv while she packs her overnight bag. I fall into a trance. Time slows down and all that exists is her. Only her.

I zone out so hard that I don’t even register her walking towards me until I feel her arms around me, her fingers interlinking behind my neck.

It takes me a while to get my heart beating again, but when it does I wrap them around her waist, pulling her closer.

“Hey, angel” I say, pulling back to look at those eyes.

“Hi” she responds, and my knees almost buckle. Her voice in music to my ears.

“You ready to go?” I ask her, and she nods her head excitedly.

“Yeah, let’s go” she says as she grabs her bag and her keys and exits out the door.

Once we’re in the car I hand her the aux cord and she queues a couple songs. “McDonalds?” I ask although I already know the answer. “Duh” she replies.

A couple of minutes pass and I pull into the McDonald’s drive through. I don’t bother asking her what she wants since we go here so often that I’ve memorised her order.

When I’ve placed the order and driven to the next window I look over to her and see that she’s already looking at me. There’s something in her eyes, the way she’s looking at me, but I can’t quite put my finger on what it means.

“Are you okay?” “ I’m great” she replies. “Well I know that” I chuckle and she laughs.

God I love that sound.

“Thank you” she grins. I hadn’t realised I said it out loud. I feel my face start to heat up. She looks at me the way she did just a minute ago, what does it mean? A strand of hair fall onto her forehead and I feel myself reach for it, tucking it behind her ear, and letting my hand linger a bit longer than needed. And her cheeks glow a deep scarlet.

She’s so beautiful. Even when she’s not trying to be. She has me captivated by her beauty by merely existing. It’s astonishing.

She nuzzles her face into my hand and I gently stroke her cheek with my thumb.

The drive through window opens and a woman holding a paper bag speaks but her words don’t register. “Sorry?” I speak. “Here’s your order, have a nice evening.” “Right, you too” I take the bag out of her hands, roll the window up and drive.

The car ride to my place is weirdly silent, except for the music. She’s never this quiet. But I don’t get a chance to ask her why as I pull into the parking lot of my house and she practically runs in through the front door. I’m surprised there isn’t a cartoony Tara shaped hole in my door.

I follow after her with the paper bag. She’s already sitting on my couch, remote control in hand going through Disney+ looking for a movie to watch. Finally deciding on Lady and the Tramp.

I throw myself onto the couch placing the food between us and grabbing a blanket from the basket beside the couch and throwing it over both of our legs. We eat and watch the movie in silence, for the most part since Tara talks over the movie almost the whole time.

When the movie is finished she’s asleep with her hair in her face, so I brush it behind her ear and give her a light kiss on her forehead.

“You missed my lips by a long shot” she whispers. I chuckle “how very rude of me” “absolutely unacceptable” she looks up at me. “Well what do you suppose we do about that” she pauses for a second “I guess you’ll just have to give me two kisses to make up for it”. I smirk “Oh, yeah?” “Mhmm” she says as she leans in, her eyes darting to my lips. “Well if that’s the only way you’ll forgive me”.

Our lips meet in a slow and gentle manner. My hand glides up to her cheek, the other settling on her waist. She throws hers around my neck, her fingers tangling in my hair and I groan as she gives it a soft tug, my hand tightening around her waist.

I glide my tongue over her bottom lip beckoning her to open her lips, she does. It’s messy, the kiss filled with lust and passion as I pull her to sit on my lap.

I let my hands travel her body starting at her waist, down to her hips, to her ass giving it a quick squeeze, and up again to her upper back and then letting them fall to rest on her hips, guiding her to grind on my thigh. She does so and moans at the friction, the sound making my lower stomach warm and I moan into her mouth.

Her hands fall to the hem of my shirt tugging on it and I raise my arms as she pulls it over my head and throws it to the side and I do the same for her, taking her appearance in and looking up at her, pulling her into another kiss, this one gentle and caring. “So beautiful” I whisper against her lips.

My lips trail from the corner of her mouth, to her jaw, her neck and finally the edge of her bra. I look up at her and she nods. So i take her bra off, my mouth watering at the sight and I bring her left tit into my mouth grabbing the other one with my hand. She arches her back into me and throws her head back.

When I twist the peak between my index finger and thumb and gently nibble on the other one she lets out the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard. “Oh fuck” she moans. She brings her hands to my belt buckle and looks down at me “please”. “Well since you asked so nicely”

I turn us over so she’s under me and kiss down her stomach. When I reach her pants I look up at her “are you sure?” To which she immediately responds to by nodding. “I need words, baby”. ”Yes, please. I need you”. “Atta girl” she responds by lifting her hips up for me to pull her pants down.

Once I’ve thrown them onto the ground with the rest of the clothes I lower myself so that I’m at eye level with her black lace thong. I wrap my arms around the backs of her thighs, pull her closer and kiss up the inside of her thighs slowly getting closer to where I want to be. I deliver a soft kiss to the wet spot on her panties and pull them down moaning at the sight.

“Jesus you’re soaked, is this all for me?” I breathe out. “All f’you” she moans. I slide a finger between her folds collecting her wetness, popping the finger into my mouth and rolling my eyes to the back of my head moaning at the taste. “God you taste so good, baby. You gonna let me have some more?” I ask. “Mhmm, can have as much as you want” she breathes out and I dive into her pussy, devouring her. Not letting a drop go to waste.

I suck her clit into my mouth, circling my tongue around it. Her back arches off the couch as she lets out a pornographic moan. “Fuck keep doing that”. She grinds her pussy on my face and I moan, the vibrations setting her own moans off.

I flip us over again so she’s sitting on my face and she instantly starts grinding down on my mouth. I slip my tongue into her pussy, and she grinds her clit on my nose. Her hands find my hair as her legs start shaking, her eyes rolling back and her head doing the same as she cums. Hard.

Once her moans die down I pull her off of me and place her down getting up and going to the bathroom to get a wet cloth to clean her up.

When I get back she’s half asleep so I try to be gentle so as to not wake her up. But when I accidentally touch her sensitive clit she hisses and clamps her legs shut. “Shh, I need to clean you up, baby”. She opens her legs again and lets me finish.

Once I’m done I grab us both some oversized T-shirts from my closet and put mine on, taking my pants off in the process and putting the second one on her. Then I lay down on the couch next to her pulling her back to my chest.

“Goodnight, Tara” I whisper in her ear before placing a kiss on the top of her head “Goodnight”

———————————————————————

A/n: Sorry this took so long I’ve been kinda out of it lately. And please be nice since this is the first time I’ve written smut. Love you guys!! ❤️

#Tara yummy #tara yummy fluff #tara yummy smut #tara yummy fanfic #tara yummy is a mindset #Tara yummy x f!reader #tara yummy x reader #Tara yummy headcannons #matt sturniolo #sturniolo triplets #chris sturniolo #christopher sturniolo #sturniolo fanfic #matt sturniolo smut #sturniolo smut #chris sturniolo smut #matt sturniolo fluff #chris sturniolo fluff

[skekilla]

my brain is rotting out of my s kull boys

anyway heres from my au, pomni and ragatha talking about just trying to tell caine life in the circus sucks and they all want things to change sdfdfs

ANYWAY I BLACKED OUT AND ENDED UP WRITING A THREE PAGE SHORT FANFIC ABOUT THIS SCENE SO.... here goes ugh

Everything was quiet out there, in the big room scattered with blocks and suspended domes of darkened skyboxes. Pomni stood on the balcony. She stared up, along the spirals and ledges, into the Circus’ simulation of nighttime. She didn’t know what made her leave her room and come out there, but she did know she didn’t care for more nightmares like the ones last night brought. Then again, after everything that day—the funeral—she did doubt the likelihood of anything similar to that coming true. She hoped it wouldn’t, anyway.

“Can’t sleep?”

Pomni startled at the sound, whirled around. “Ragatha! Ah… w-why? Should we not… be out here at night?”

Ragatha chuckled, coming closer. “Oh, no, you’re good! Don’t worry about that.” She came to a stop beside Pomni, a few feet away. Her one vaguely humanoid eye glanced up into the night sky. “I just heard your door—I have trouble sleeping too, even after all this time, so I was awake—and I thought you might want someone to talk to. Only if you want, of course!”

“Oh. Okay.”

An awkward pause stretched between them. “Do you… want to talk, or…? I know you had a big day, with that NPC and whatnot, so…”

The shapes of the Circus floor sparkled like a deathly burst of confetti in Pomni’s mind for just a second. She squeezed her eyes shut. “No. No thanks. I just…”

Ragatha’s hands rose to try to comfort Pomni, but hesitated before they actually got close enough. Instead, she clasped them together in front of her. “That’s okay. It’s not easy to get used to. I can go.”

“No, it’s fine. I just—” It was rare that Pomni ever felt choked up. At least, she felt in her subconscious that it was—not that she remembered anything about life before… this. For some reason, though, everything was washing over her right then. Maybe it was Ragatha trying to get her to talk that was drawing it out of her, or maybe it had just finally all caught up to her. Either way, her gloved hands clenched into fists and she held her breath. She wasn’t sure if she even could cry, but she didn’t want to. Not to someone who was basically still a stranger. Albeit a nice one.

It had been a long time since Ragatha had seen anyone but Gangle on the brink of tears. She almost didn’t know what to do—almost. She sat down on the checkered floor, patted the ground by Pomni’s feet. She smiled up at her. Pomni stood still for a moment, unsure, before she finally sank down.

“Don’t worry about talking, if you don’t want to!” Ragatha said.

But words were already tumbling out of Pomni’s mouth, strangled against her tense vocal chords. “I just don’t understand why,” she said. “Why am I here? Why are any of us here? What could any of us have done to deserve being- trapped? Controlled? Why…” She shook her head, eyes towards the ceiling and skies again. She let her back meet the floor. “Why?”

Ragatha started to say something, but stopped herself and thought it over. Trying to act like there was any answer to that wasn’t helpful. She knew that by then. After a second, she laid down too. “I don’t know,” she said. “I’m sorry, Pomni. It’s just the way things are—how Caine runs them. There’s nothing any of us can do.”

“Why not?!” Pomni’s voice broke a little. She took a breath, calmed herself. “There has to be something. It can’t… it can’t be impossible to leave. It can’t!”

“I’m sorry,” Ragatha said again. “Believe me, if any real ‘exit’ existed, we’d probably have found it by now. The only way to change anything here is through Caine, and… well…”

Pomni inhaled. “Well what?”

“Well… letting us go isn’t in his program. Making us ‘happy’ is. That’s it. There’s no changing him.”

Pomni’s hands rose to her face. For a moment, she just stayed like that. Then something came to her. “But he’s not making us happy.”

“Yeah…”

Pomni’s head rose. “Does he know that?”

Something between surprise and confusion filled Ragatha’s face. “I… don’t know. He keeps trying the same stuff again and again, so… probably no.”

Things began to click into place in Pomni’s mind. “Then… then maybe we could tell him! Get him to change things! Let us have more say and… and maybe, eventually, leave. If he is made to make us happy, then he’ll listen if we all say we really, sincerely aren’t. Right?”

Ragatha thought about her words. “I mean,” she began, “I don’t remember anyone really trying anything like that in the time I’ve been here—not like what you’re saying, anyway. Maybe… maybe.”

“Then we have to. We have to try.”

Ragatha looked over at Pomni. The desperation she heard in her voice made her nervous, but the hope that came with it was swaying her. “Well… it could be worth a shot!” Pomni looked back at her, the simulated moonlight flickering in her red and blue eyes. The hope in them was growing stronger. It lifted Ragatha in a way she hadn’t been lifted in a long time and crushed her all at once; a wave of guilt came with the joy. Pomni would be disappointed, and Ragatha knew it. Trying to mitigate her optimism, she added, “I mean… it’s not like things can get much worse.”

Pomni’s eyes flicked back upwards. Disappointment, to a smaller degree, had already pricked her with just those doubtful words. “Right.”

Even more guilt filled Ragatha. “I can help bring it up to everyone else tomorrow,” she offered. “I really do think it’s something to try. I’ll stand by you on it!”

Pomni took a deep breath. Her voice was stable again, her breathing steadied by the hands she rested on her stomach. It was worth trying. Anything was worth trying at that point. Like Ragatha said, what could get worse? She shoved the doubts away, to the back of her mind—still very much there, but hidden behind determination. “Okay. Tomorrow.”

Ragatha smiled a little. Pomni didn’t. She just stared up. Silence hung between them again, though it wasn’t awkward anymore; it was tense, filled with fragile hopes, fluffy clouds drifting and evaporating in the sky. Yet, somehow, they both felt a kind of security in it. Security in chance.

“I really, really hope this works,” Pomni said.

“It… probably won’t, if I’m being honest,” Ragatha couldn’t help but say, a nervous chuckle punctuating her words.

“I-I know. Still.”

Something twinged in Ragatha’s chest that made her smile all the more sincerely. Some kind of familiarity maybe, or care, or… maybe a bit of her own hope, awoken after so long. “Well… that’s sure a breath of fresh air around here.” She closed her eye. “I like that about you, Pomni.”

Pomni glanced at Ragatha for a second, but she heard right. Maybe she did have a friend in the Circus after all. Maybe what she guessed after the funeral earlier was right. Maybe, even if whatever happened tomorrow didn’t go as planned, everything would be okay. Somehow.

#tadc #the amazing digital circus #pomni #ragatha #tadc au #au #fanfic #tadc fanfiction #art #ragapom #sneaking that one in there hehaaa #yes theres gay subtext. of course #pomoderator

[pinkandpurple360]

I’ve wanted to ask, if you were the writer and you (unfortunately) had to make Stolitz cannon, how would you have rewritten it? Starting from ep 1 season 1? Or in general how would you have rewritten Stolas?

Hi anon!

Oh well the first thing I would do…massive tone change. It would definitely not be this deep melodrama of angst and betrayal, but far more lighthearted. And comedic. Spoilers they don’t end up star crossed monogamous married soulmates, not even close. They’d be close friends with a strong bond. Who may occasionally sleep together if they feel like it. And with other people. That’s basically as deep as it gets in the romance department. But that’s exactly how they like it, in fact both surprised that the other doesn’t demand more than that. I’d also have it be that stolas gets one focussed episode per season. His only song is ‘We* will be okay’ to Octavia.

First off, stolas and Blitzø make a trade with the grimoire, but one that is not sexual in nature. He completely allowed Blitzø to steal the book, finding his clumsy breaking and entering method very entertaining. He was just that bored. The ruckus blitzø, a “clown” disguised assassin in truth, caused at octavias birthday party made him laugh for the first time in several centuries (yes in this version he’s ancient and immortal) so he simply looked the other way when the theft occurred. “Sir! This imp has your grimoire in his possession!” “Say do we have anything stronger than this wine? I cant think on a sober mind. Fetch me some absinthe if you please?” “But sir!” “Absinthe! Unless you are doubting me?”

In my version stolas is the precautionary heir himself. And Via is her child self. This is why stolas is so negligent to his duties, he’s nothing but a figurehead. Symbolic. He knows how unimportant he truly is. Both parents love Via, but find it hard to connect with her because of her circumstances as the “extra” precaution and their arranged marriage. In my version at the start stolas still has his kind side, but is arrogant, afraid to show that side, and he is misogynistic towards his wife who is always “upset for no reason” I think stolas’ plain inability to read the room or people’s feelings pretty funny, so I’m keeping it in. He says things like “I’m sorry…that you think I owe you an apology Stella” she threatens to hire a hitman but doesn’t have the heart to go through with it. Ah but neither of them are violent towards the imps. Because. Ew? My version of Stella is actually a person. She gets enraged, abuses alcohol, suffers post partum depression. It takes some time before she and stolas become on good terms again. They decide to separate amicably in the end, their bickering having no real bite behind it and just becoming banter.

Plot: Stolas allows Blitzø to use the Grimoire, in exchange for offing a specific demon in hell or human target on earth, once a month. He also returns the grimoire for when Stolas needs it for a ceremony, so that nobody can suspect it’s misuse. This is in secret, training him for the ultimate target of all, Paimon. So that stolas can reach the throne and have a reason to exist in his own view. Nobody can suspect the innocent stolas of targeting his father whom he “loves” dearly. You never know if his moments of kindness or madness are a facade or if they’re real. He’d have a lot of references to Hamlet in my version. The occasional sex is nothing but a cover story for Blitzo coming over, sometimes stolas oversells the cover story. It becomes real once the two of them get a bit too carried away after celebrating one of their hits going perfectly.

In my mind stolas is completely insane but in an eccentric way. Strikers assassination attempt was a complete ruse, the one who hired him was none other than stolas himself to test Blitzøs skills and to introduce him to angelic weaponry. Yes he hired a hitman on himself. Stella was a red herring. In a tragic sense he knows he could have died but values his own life so little, that he wouldn’t mind. “I just wanted to see what would happen” is his explanation. Blitzø gets angry with him over this, for messing with/scaring him, and reminds him that even though he doesn’t love stolas that way, he still has a daughter who would cry over him. This inspires stolas to actually start trying to form a connection with Via. This is an aside but I find the accelerated aging trope fascinating (think Jake the dogs kids or Renesmee from twilight) so Octavia ages twice as fast as a human would before it pauses around 21. Stolas takes her to LooLoo land at 17 because she was literally 8 years old like, 4 years ago. That’s why it’s so difficult to parent someone like that. And why he and Stella still baby her, they can’t keep up with her rapid maturing. But stolas refuses to hire a full time nanny, he wants to do it himself. His own ‘father’ was his imp butler, when this butler died of old age it really effected him. He doesn’t want that for via.

With Blitzø, they form a bond built on mutual trust, push and pull, fun, empathy, occasional lust, but the fun is at the heart of it. Stolas is extremely ignorant about sexual innuendo, and Blitzø is very flagrant about it but stolas never knows what the hell he’s taking about. So blitzø has to challenge himself to use non raunchy humour. This is one of the many ways they start to change eachother.

Polyamory ✨ tragically, stolas knows this cant be a forever relationship, he doesn’t want to give up immortality, and he knows Blitzø would never want to be a consort. Stolas doesn’t even want that either. He thinks marriage is stupid nonsense. Him and Stella are swingers as is custom in Goetia families (a secret custom that is). And Blitzø is in love with more than one person. Having hate filled spicy trysts with Striker, an on and off again relationship with Verosika, and an unspoken thing with his friend fizzarolli, the court jester, that’s currently platonic but more intimate than any other relationship (aka terrifying).

Stolas says this mans bombastic love life is better than any telenovela and gives him plenty of material for erotic novels. (I’ll admit the romance novel author idea is a clever one I had a similar idea)

I think my stolas version is demi sexual and possibly aromantic. I just find it more interesting that way. Another idea I had was stolas as a dusty librarian who blitzø is in unrequited love with. This version of stolas is completely aroace, sex repulsed and all. Giving them a tragic angle and some fun conflict. They find each other fascinating, the flirting is only one way, and stolas helps Blitzø find someone right for him. (Spoilers it’s fizz because you know me) I just find it so much cuter if Blitzø is the one who is the real hopeless romantic and even though stolas doesn’t have romantic urges outside the fiction he enjoys, he finds it fascinating from an outside perspective. Maybe even subvert the ‘repressed’ angle to say stolas was repressing his asexuality to make people like Stella and Blitzø happy.

And yeah, twist! Paimon is executed during the revolution. Stolas abdicates as they move toward a democracy. His kind nature and changed ways allow him to actually be elected by the hellborn, giving him all his wealth and power back..causing him to have learned absolutely nothing and still being a spoiled brat but!! at least not a deeply racist one 😔 but please don’t use the word impish in your next novel owl boy.

That was so fun!!!

#helluva boss critical #stolitz critical #helluva boss rewrite

[whereismyhat5678]

OKAY JUST A THOUGHT- JUST A THOUGHT LISTEN TO ME FOR ONE SECOND-

Peppino watches Breaking Bad- AND

He watches it with Mr. Stick, THOSE TWO FUCKERS WATCHED EVERY SEASON-

#Pizza Tower #JUST A RANDOM HEAD CANNON THAT SPRUNG INTO MIND I’M SORRY- #Okay if you don’t believe Peppino watches it AT LEAST believe Mr. Stick does- #If you don’t know why this exists I’m sorry- #(Also almost every headcannon for Peppino is straight from my Dad’s behavior. His ass watches Breaking Bad and I thought about it for Pep)

[itspileofgoodthings]

my life is a very slow process of everyone around me telling me not to be anxious and me fighting them all tooth and nail while inching towards more stable mental health.

#I know it’s not true but sometimes I feel like if I didn’t have anxiety I would not suffer at all #which. again. is false #but there’s a lot of things I don’t want in this life and a lot of things I am not scared of and a lot of things I just accept #and like. It’s FINE #but all my suffering from anxiety stays in one fixed flame of sheer agony #and it’s hard because I don’t shake like a chihuahua in the corner of my bedroom #unable to move or function #I’m always doing things and functioning and joking at parties and (generally) saying the right thing #but it’s all located in one corner in the middle of my mind attacking my ability to make judgments and live with my decisions peacefully #like an unseen wound #and the distance i feel it puts between me and other people #is one of the most painful things #just several sheets of frosted glass between me and them #and sometimes the worst it gets is when I can bear it without breaking down and so I just do and I just keep functioning #and the cold just creeps in and everything goes kind of numb! #tbh now that I think about it this might be why I often think of myself as a person with no desires or ambitions or dreams #or impetus or forward motion or anything #because I DO want things and have opinions and the exist in flashes. But also they’re buried deep under several layers of protective apathy #so they’re not stable. I drop them many times. forget them ignore them imagine that they aren’t there. I’m sorry I’m rambling I’m FINE #actually when I talk about it that’s how you know I’m doing okay with it #when I can’t talk about it and am half-heartedly going through the motions #that’s the problem #anyway whew. thanks for listening sorry for all the self-reflection etc. etc. etc.

[carpathxanridge]

what’s so funny is this spirituality drama was started by a person that basically posted “i don’t understand why some radical feminists don’t believe in witchcraft or don’t even show an interest in it” on the website of literalist blunt skeptical women who read the words “i don’t understand” and go “ok let me explain.” and then upon receiving a bunch of answers explaining exactly why many of us are critical of spirituality, was like “wow they’re attacking my beliefs, they don’t get what spirituality means to ME” when yall are the ones saying you literally think it is sad and closed-minded for us to not entertain spirituality in our OWN feminism and personal belief systems, and making all of these masturbatory posts about how uniquely enlightened you are because of your spirituality. and then you go on wondering why so many of us hate “woo woo” shit

#really should never have said “i don’t understand” which implies opening a dialogue #should’ve instead said “i believe that radfems who won’t entertain spirituality are closed-minded” #if that’s already your stance #and it’s like okay you think i’m close minded for my atheism #you and literally every christian i’ve met #‘why won’t you entertain belief in god? can’t you admit that you at least don’t know?’ #okay but then you ALSO don’t know and yet you choose to believe…. #i’m sorry that i’m incapable of manifesting even an ounce of genuine feeling or questioning about the existence of a spiritual realm #you can go on thinking it’s sad but i will also go on thinking it’s sad (and stupid) that you feel you NEED spirituality #to experience wonder or connection with nature or to think deeply about our purpose in this world

[jeanmoreaux]

just had to read the words “I’ve been told that there actually ARE aftg folks on tumblr I just haven’t found them yet.” with my own eyes and it took a decade off my life. are we a joke to you??? like bestie WDYM WE TUMBLRINAS ARE THE OG AFTG FOLK

#i’m so sorry for you random person on the internet you would have loved 2016 litblr #you’ll never know how wild and alive the fandom was back then. #the jorts discourse and the jortsventure vid. #((you don’t understand. kevIN is kevOUT still lives in the crevices of my brain.)) #the demisexual neil discourse. #the fucking WHY ARE YOU BUYING CLOTHES AT THE SOUP STORE?!??!!! vid #andrew gummyard (rip). #i DIDNT go through all that to be treated like this 😭😭😭 #the twitter fandom was basically non existent at that point in time #also just to have it said but in the yearly tumblr wraps aftg still places quite high considering when it came out! #((it’s genuinely so funny to me that some people don’t think aftg is a thing on here like sfhjdsgjjgfcackling what)) #mish rambles

[crazymecjc]

thinking about frankenstein a new musical (2008) once again and going Crazy

#carissa speaks #finally found the boots of the few songs that exist and. #I could stage it better #girl please ur score fuckin Bangs don’t do her dirty like that!! #victor frankenstein my little meow meow someone get this man to open up abt his feelings or smth #also if I was to direct frankenstein it would be so much fruitier #victor and henry were kissing on the regular TO ME #also the costumes????? the coming of the dawn fit fills me with rage the cut of the vest is all WRONG #and unbuttoned????? first and foremost king you are in the ARCTIC but also that would be like stripping!!! that’s not allowed!! #button ur vest up!! #idk if I was the directors of frankenstein a new musical 2008 I would simply up the energy levels #but maybe that’s just me #show fucks though do not get me wrong too 5 musicals of all time I am literally vibrating over here #but I did see those clips and every ounce of my theatre major brain took over #maybe a Would be a better techie #bc I know I could design the Hell out of this show #also- get rid of those fuckass stairs why the hell are there stairs they make for useless traveling #sorry not to be full of mt rage tonight I’m just so ??? they literally had it all how did they not follow through visually 😔 #give me victorian gothic!!! please!!!!!!!!!!!! #I also think it’s really interesting now that I’ve actually gone through and fully perceived the book #the changes they made specifically in the instances of justine and Henry’s deaths and how that changes victors character #I like that victor gets to witness Henry’s death and I think the conflict there is neat #but I also enjoy the agency of victor deciding to take back his promise on his own #I feel in some ways him actually going through with a second one all the way to the end is a detriment to his character #like yeah he does Immediately regret it and kill her but the lack of consideration beforehand in the musical is interesting to me #it feels much more like the frenzy of the first creation whereas in the book it is a true concious choice which I think is interesting #both are good and valid takes I just think the discrepancies are neat #there are so many typos in these tags but I cannot be assed to fix them #so sorry #frankenstein musical

[mirokata]

Seeing Isaac’s experiences with being aroace got me tearing up after Heartstopper… I relate to the isolating feeling so well.

The confusion with not relating to others in the room when people talk about crushes and romance.

The feeling of a weight being lifted upon discovering the aromantic label (and later on asexual, for me).

I feel so happy to see that expressed, even though a part of me wishes there could’ve been even more.

And I’m tearing up because I was watching the entire series with my mom and yet… she doesn’t seem to get it. I’m grateful that she’s willing to enjoy the show with me but her comments are just so conservative.

And the way she shrugs off all my mentions of aromantic/asexual identity and the times I pointed out how I related to Isaac’s experience was heartbreaking. It’s sent me spiralling back into wondering why I care so much about telling her anyway. Especially since she forgets what aro and ace mean every single time I bring it up. I’ve even made her watch Jaiden animation’s video on being aroace. Twice. (iykyk)

It’s alright to forget, but at least ask, you know? Don’t wait till I ask “Do you remember what aroace means?” Only to shake your head in “No”. Only to say that I’m just being young. Only to forget about it all over again.

Her words as my mother gets to me and every time I reflect on my identity I feel insecure. Invalid.

And now I try to bring it up again with Heartstopper so clearly putting out the aromantic & asexual experience on a plate for the world to see.

Yes, I don’t owe her coming out. But I want to, because being aroace is a big part of my identity and I just wish I could talk to her about this part of me. But it’s difficult when the comments I hear from her are precisely the type of conservative comments people don’t want to hear while we’re LITERALLY WATCHING HEARTSTOPPER.

“She’s trans but like, isn’t she still a man? Just dressing like a girl?”

“How could Nick know that he likes girls if he’s never liked any?”

“Darcy is dressing like a lesbian, of course her mom can’t take it” (imo, being any queer identity shouldn’t even have ‘a look’ in the first place…)

+ completely ignoring the aroace parts to talk about something else while I’m so clearly trying to highlight it

I want to understand what’s so difficult to accept that being queer is valid.

#SORRY THAT WAS A REALLY LONG RANT #omg and I’m demiflux too #if she can barely even accept that being trans is valid how is she going to take demiflux #she also asked where they all got the queer genes if they’re parents are straight #well I don’t know but your daughter is very far from straight so clearly straight genes don’t exist either #I feel like I care too much but I can’t just not care so much #she also can’t seem to understand why Nick and Charlie want to come out so bad #it’s just sufferable to have to hide a part of you all the time #heartstopper #heartstopper season 2 #netflix #aroace #aromantic #asexual #queer #lgbtqia+ #queerdiary #queer rant #rant post #heartstopper s2 #heartstopper tv #aspec

[ezraphobicsoup]

sometimes i think i’m a fully proper binary guy. and then i think about gender for a minute too long and

#no but i am a guy i’m not non binary #but equally what makes me a man? what is masculinity?? how can i identify with something i don’t understand?? but i am a man! but why?? what #does that mean???? what makes anyone anything and does it matter??? no of course not! all that matters is that people can comfortably view #themselves and that’s the point of gender; to be comfortable #and gender *roles* are just bullshit and not real. but if not for gender roles where does gender come from?? again does it matter???? #i mean really. we’re all just people and it’s about being happy. these boxes exist for a variety of reasons but if there’s happiness in the #box then you take the fucking box #you can have as many boxes as you like. or none! you just do what makes you happy. .. but then what makes me happy #cause as i say. i am a man completely. i wouldn’t be happy if someone referred to me as not a man. but am i a Man? do i want to be? #if masculinity is built upon stereotypes and i can never truly meet those stereotypes then what makes me a man? it’s the feeling of it? #the euphoria in being someone’s son. someone’s brother. someone’s boyfriend. you know? maybe that’s all it needs to be #i don’t have to understand masculinity to be a man. maybe no one actually understands masculinity or feminity for that matter because theyre #not tangible things. that’s what it boils down to it’s fucking intangibility and culture isn’t it #and i mean i think in a sense that’s beautiful? gender boxes can suck because of what we say are in them but really inherently? the fact #that humans have such an array of ways to make ourselves feel more comfortable in how we talk about ourselves? that’s incredible #i think that’s all i have to say for now #once again this is macbeths fault fuck shakespeare why does this always happen #ezra’s real life rambles #tldr i am a binary man but in a silly way i think. ever so slightly to the left. but i like being seen just as a guy and that’s easy enough #sorry to uh broadcast this on tumblr dot com if you read all of this i hope this was interesting

[deityofhearts]

I just want attention but I want for people to actually want to give me attention without me having to all but beg for it (and even then I end up begging for attention, that’s what this post is)

#deity dialogue #I can’t exist without some form of attention and if I’m not receiving attention and interaction then everything just seems pointless you #know? I don’t expect constant attention from any one person that’s absurd and not like someone’s job #I just hate the feeling of loneliness and being unwanted or a burden #I know there are people who do like me and my presence and like hearing from me and i and very very grateful to you all #so hi hi if you see this post I love and appreciate you #I’m not making this post to diminish the affection and attention I receive from others #I guess just to voice that I’m constantly hungry for attention like some sort of attention vampire #blah blah I could pinpoint why exactly I’m like this but it would do no good #just like the feeling of not getting enough attention or feeling like I’m unwanted when o do recieve attention or try my best to get peoples #attention #I’m just tired of being this way but it hasn’t changed yet I try so hard to not be bothered and to not care and to not keep craving #attention or like going out of my way to get peoples attention and yet #anyways sorry for my depressing late thoughts I should go to sleep but once again I cannot #I did however make myself cry because my own thoughts (again) #I’m gonna go check on my forehead and then like idk #resume reading the stupid vampire webcomic or like make myself try and sleep #I need more sleep medicine but I don’t have the money to spare for that lmao #any money I have rn is in savings for my impending phone bill #i can just sleep during the day. also like a vampire

[fishing-lesbian-catgirl]

I’m just tired ok

#fuck all these tags of personal ranting this post is funny now. thanks sugar daddy bot #I’m burnt out #I spend my entire life either at work or in my tiny apartment #I’m afraid to leave. I’m afraid to do anything. I’m afraid #I don’t know how to stop feeling like a burden to every person i interact with #I can’t even reach out to people to ask for help. and when they reach out to me I just say I’m fine and I don’t need help #I’m lying because I’m fucking broken #wow this depression spiral is hitting me hard lol #I would say I’m sorry to my followers but if anything I wouldn’t mind if me being insane drove some of you away #I don’t know why anyone follows me in the first place #if you’re reading this far you must be really dedicated to hearing me complain #what am I fucking doing #the thoughts never stop I wish they’d stop I want it to be quiet #even when I do things that are supposed to be relaxing like fishing I spend the whole time worrying about if strangers think I’m weird #when I exist in a public space I feel like I am violating said space. like I don’t belong #I’m not going to do anything but gosh being alive is tiresome and I wish I could just like take a break.

[sadaveniren]

Don’t you love when the answer to the discourse of the day is that BOTH sides are right and BOTH sides are valid and that it makes perfect sense for BOTH to exist at the same time?

Yeah nuance sucks for internet arguments. 🙃

#yes closeted people should be allowed to to interact with queer spaces without having to come out #and yes out people who have risked a lot to be out should be allowed to be annoyed when people they don’t know identify as gay insert #themselves into queer spaces #both can exist #there IS risk with coming out #which is why closeted people are valid #no one should be forced to come out and no one should feel they have to come out #HOWEVER because coming out is a RISK to your career - to your life - you DO get certain privileges that come with it #(I loathe to use the word privilege here but let’s just go with it) #being out means you are allowed to have MORE say than an ally #I know that stings to hear but again BEING OUT IS A RISK #you CANNOT be closeted and expect to have all the perks of being queer with none of the downsides #I’m sorry if that sounds shitty and unfair and whatever but thats…that’s how it is #in actual queer spaces #with actual queer people #in a lot of queer spaces we are aware allys are probably closeted people #but ally’s (closeted people) are still meant to make way for openly queer voices #BOTH CAN EXIST #BOTH ARE CORRECT! #and arguing about this kind of thing is just… exhausting because everyone is right #anyway clearly HSHQ is run by straight people because they couldn’t see this coming #when every queer person in fandom has seen this as a problem since 2017 #okay back to work

[stars-and-blackholes]

I love Peterick shippers. Peace and love on planet Pete Wentz. Everyone loves everyone. Okay? Okay.

But when petekey antis ship peterick I'm like????? Okay so my ship is gross and weird but yours is fine???

Like I get being anti RPF, I'll do me and you do you but being so anti ONE SPECIFIC ship while shipping another????

NO DEADASSSSS don’t even get me startedddd on this shit I’ve been DYINGGG to talk about this

A lot of the Petekey antis are literally peterick shippers💀and they only hate rpf when it comes to Petekey like LMAOOO it’s very apparent that a lot of them are fine with rpf *BUT NOT PETEKEY* and it’s crazy because in the fandom I’ve seen so much peterick shit like no joke there’s nsfw ART OF PETERICK on here and it got hella notes. And I don’t see anyone saying shit about that…but we…talk about Petekey not even in a sexual way 95% of the time and there’s a fucking issue…really makes you wonder

#rpf #anti rpf people #Petekey #I’m so glad you noticed this bs too #bc I been sitting on this bc I don’t wanna piss the fandom off bc I know how they get when you disagree with them😍 #the way they say ‘grow up’ yet act personally attacked and offended over the mere existence of Petekey #I’m so convinced that 95% of Petekey antis are just pissed off children that are mad Petekey is real and peterick isn’t LMFAOOOOOO #like sorry summer of like exists🥺cry about it #yk it’s crazy too bc Petekey has a literal basis in reality #WHICH IS WHY SM OF US SHIP IT #meanwhile wtf is your peterick shipping evidence #also I don’t give a fuck about peterick like I’m not a Peterick anti at all rpf is all fair game #I’m just saying there’s hella fucking bias against Petekey when it’s way more founded in reality #bitches come for us when Pete himself literally wrote I’m sorry every song is about you OKAYYYY

[ozzyfromthecafeteria]

Happy International Transgender Day of Visibility!! Shoutout to every trans person ever you all are cool.

#sorry for disappearing for a bit i uh forgot i existed kinda #anyways happy trans day!! happy trans #fuck off transphobes you aren’t welcome here btw #i was originally going to draw bart wearing a binder today but i’m super low on energy and allergies are making it miserable for me #(also i don’t really like drawing/my art in general but that’s. not really why.) #anyways if you didn’t already know i am a transman myself B) #(well my gender is very complex but transman is the. broad term i suppose.) #once agan transphobes eat shit and go away if you’re still here for whatever reason