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catharsis-in-a-bottle · 3 years

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A very long post about romantic attraction, social situations, sexual orientation, etc.

In short, a slightly organized brain dump involving some of my personal experiences and hopefully some takeaways.

There are many things I’ve learned, both in general and about myself, simply by investigating online resources about the acespec and arospec communities.

Some of these were things that I think I already knew internally, but that I had never voiced before because I didn’t have the words or the terms to describe them.

I’ve learned about different types of attraction, and I’ve realized that I can categorize them internally. For example, I’ve definitely mistaken platonic attraction with romantic attraction in the past. The term ‘squish’ - basically a sort of friend crush - can be applied to several of my experiences, and honestly, it really explains my conscious disconnect towards romance. I’ve realized that wanting to get to know someone better does not equate wanting to date them.

I’ve learned about other arospec identities, like greyromantic and demiromantic, and how they might apply to me. I’ve realized that my romantic attraction has essentially been limited to one person, and that otherwise my desires have been platonic - again, wanting to get to know someone better because I find them interesting, or else having a deep admiration/respect for them. None of these things are romantic attraction, and it’s been very relieving to discover this. It makes sense.

I think I’ve always had a weird feeling towards all the societal cues and expectations associated with romance. Why are certain things associated with wanting to form a romantic relationship? As a child, I thought I was a girl and I knew, just from the social code of school life, that becoming friends with boys would be seen as some romantic advance (despite the fact that we were all literally elementary schoolers.) In first grade, everyone thought I had a crush on this kid I was friends with, and I always laughed at them. I was just looking for friends. Friends isn’t a freaking gender-specific term. I think I’ve always kind of tried to “play it cool” with the boys, especially in middle school, simply because I didn’t really want anyone to think “haha, so-and-so is dating so-and-so” just because I had a conversation with another person. And what sucked is that when I thought I might be bi, I kind of consciously did the same thing around girls as well - I tried to be socially adept and “cool” and not too overly open, just because of all of these social codes that indicate romantic intent.

One of these strange codes that confused me was this: “if so-and-so has a crush on you, you should totally date them!” What if I didn’t like so-and-so back? Why the hell would I date them? But something that I witnessed happening quite often in middle school was kids finding out someone ‘liked’ them and then wanting to ‘like’ that person back, despite not having formed attraction in the first place. It felt like a puzzle. It was something that I observed and maybe sort of over-analyzed, because dissecting social situations and laying out pieces of the puzzles on the floor is something I just do. I reckon that kids were not only beginning to experience romantic/sexual attraction individually, but that they were also recognizing the social standards that were beginning to form. The first batch of kids wanted to form relationships (if not long-lasting ones), and so they did; other kids who were experiencing attraction subsequently felt a little bit of pressure to get with someone fast. The complaints of “I’m so sad I don’t have a boyfriend” and similar phrases rang free throughout the hallways. In short, allo- and heteronormativity seems to have influenced a lot of people. Which is fine for many, but also restricting for those in the lgbtq+ community (but of course, the jungle of school life does not intend to cater to the minorities) It was simply a thing that happened, and a thing I’m seeing a bit more clearly now.

[Also, the concept of using the word ‘like’ to describe adolescent romantic interest in another person always confused me. I never got why ‘like’ had romantic intent - I liked people that I’d formed friendships with. No one ever outright said “I have a crush on this person.” They just said like.]

There’s only one occasion on which I’ve known how to react emotionally to someone telling me that he had romantic interest in me, and that’s only because I personally ‘liked’ them back. I had already imagined that situation, and I welcomed it. [Amusingly enough, we both kind of ignored our confessions for a while, but eventually we formed an actual relationship. Ah, the joys of social situations.] But in terms of other people admitting their interest, which hasn’t happened all that much but has still happened, I’ve had very mixed reactions. One time a couple of years ago, it was my friend whom I cared very deeply about. I didn’t really know how she knew that I didn’t have interest in dating her, but somehow she did, and she told me so. This made my reaction less clouded and more simple, and it wasn’t really an uncomfortable situation; I confirmed easily enough that I didn’t have any interest in dating her and the situation resolved nicely. Basically, although it wasn’t an ideal occurrence, it didn’t affect our friendship in any way.

But there have been other times where it’s been extremely uncomfortable. Once, I joined an after-school club in which I barely knew anyone. During one of our meetings, we took a walk to a local coffee shop to just sort of hang out. And this girl - I’ll call her ‘C’ for online purposes - sat down and started talking to me. This was fine - why not have a bit of conversation? She talked about K-pop a lot (which eventually got very annoying lol) and just seemed like she wanted to be my friend, and internally I told myself well, I don’t really know her and she doesn’t seem like the kind of person I want to hang out with but we’re at a coffee shop and I’m bored. At the end of our coffee shop trip, C asked for my phone number. I didn’t take this to mean anything beyond the fact that she wanted to talk to me more, and though I felt inclined to decline her offer, I really didn’t want to hurt her feelings (again, the joys of social situations.) So now she had my phone number. Here’s where things got weird. For one thing, she sent me a bunch of random pictures of K-pop singers, saying things such as “omg he’s so hot” which was already uncomfortable in itself. Me, being a bit of an idiot, didn’t stand up for myself, or even block her number. Then, she came out to me as pansexual and told me she had a crush on me. When she told me this, she did not imply in any way that she didn’t have an intent of dating me or something, so I was very, very uncomfortable for several reasons. Firstly, I didn’t know her that well - I didn’t really even consider her a friend. Secondly, I definitely did not want to date her because I didn’t really know her. And thirdly, I didn’t know how to react. I think I said something along the lines of “Oh, well, um, okay, I don’t have a crush on you” and left it at that. For the final puncher, she started finding me in the hallways after school as she left for the bus and giving me hugs. I am typically not a physically affectionate person, so this was just weird as hell for me. Again, like an idiot, I didn’t stand up for myself, and so I just kind of stood there... all of this took place right before my school shut down because of the pandemic, so I was literally saved by everyone getting kicked out of school. Thankfully, I did not see her anymore, and finally I blocked her number as I should have done much, much earlier. [I didn’t intend to make that story so long, but there it is anyway.]

The point is, I found it extremely strange that someone I barely knew had a crush on me. This feeling was amplified when, a couple months ago, something else happened: someone on Instagram, who I didn’t know at all, expressed interest in dating me. I was extremely confused. Apparently they sort of knew me because we were in the same school system, but I’d still never met them.

I simply mean to say that romantic attraction drives people to lengths that I personally find strange and inconceivable. Looking into the aromantic community has taught me that essentially all of what we deem ‘romance’ is socially constructed. The rules, the implications, the things you’re supposed to do. You’re supposed to flirt with the person you ‘like’. You’re supposed to get all nervous around them. You’re supposed to only form a relationship with one person or else you’re considered weird and even perverted. Flirting seems like a ritual, nervousness seems like a prison - why can we not do away with the expectations and simply do what feels comfortable to us individually? I have learned about the term relationship anarchy, which means doing away with and rebelling against all of these expectations. The expectation of monogamy, of ritualistic performances, of a certain type of romance, of what actions are deemed romantic or sexual, of having to have a romantic and/or sexual relationship, etc. I find that relationship anarchy is a very appealing concept. People should have whatever relationships or lack thereof that they wish. Queerplatonic relationships should be normalized. Loveless aromanticism should be understood and not demonized. Polyamorous people should not be alienated. In short, these societal expectations that we’ve established have no purpose beyond defining what a “real relationship” is, and by ensuring that romantically loving one other person is what “makes us human” and deems us “normal” in society. Platonic and familial love should not be put below romantic love, yet we’ve created a hierarchy. Me platonically loving my true friends should not be “less than” me romantically loving my boyfriend. And people who just don’t want any sort of relationships or attachments to other people should be respected, because they are not negatively affecting anyone in any way. Except by hurting the feelings of bigots, and I’d pay anyone to do that any day if I had the money.

Though I love my friends and my boyfriend in different ways, I realize that I have extremely similar criteria for a friend versus a partner. Beyond my general confusion regarding romance as a concept, this is another thing that has led me to believe I am arospec. It’s always been very difficult for me to imagine romantically loving someone who I couldn’t consider a friend - how, then, would my relationship even work? One thing about society’s ideas of romance that I do resonate with is the fact that your partner should be your best friend. [For me personally. I’m not just making a general claim.] It’s hard to see myself dating someone who I hadn’t known before, who I hadn’t befriended, who I hadn’t considered a best friend because we knew each other and had come to form an actual bond. I would be happy spending my life with someone who I considered both a best friend and a romantic partner. I don’t think this is something that is of absolute necessity to me - I could see myself without a romantic partner, which is another major reason I’m beginning to consider myself arospec [maybe greyromantic or demiromantic.] And of course, I have conflated romantic and platonic attraction in the past; upon reflection, I think I’ve only experienced genuine romantic attraction once, which of course also prompts me towards arospec.

Many resources - tumblr accounts dedicated to aspec experiences and questions, online stories, even just bare definitions of terms I didn’t know - have been extremely helpful in not only my understanding of myself, but also of the variety of experiences that lie with others. There is a beautiful array of diversity out there in the ways people think and feel, and it feels as if I have discovered a gold mine. [Hehe - do we place value on gold in the same way we place value on romance?] Simply learning about the multitudes of people out there with so many different experiences has been wonderful.

Upon reflection, I’ve also begun to wonder if I am acespec. Society is at it again - placing inherent value in certain concepts, associating expectations between categories. Specifically, the categories of romance and sexual attraction. In most movies with romantic subplots - which is a shit ton - sex seems to always be attached to the development of a romantic relationship. Here’s the thing - most people don’t think about the Split Attraction Model (SAM), which separates romantic and sexual attraction. It’s either you’re attracted to someone, or you aren’t. But for those who do use the SAM for whatever reason, romantic and sexual attraction are separate terms [though they can of course be intertwined.] I find it strange that romance sort of necessarily leads to sex - why? You don’t need sex to have a healthy relationship - but of course, many people want it and so it happens. And because sexual attraction is often tied to peoples’ romantic partners, sex is just associated with romance. [And also apparently sexual attraction can happen towards random people, which I didn’t know lmao.] The SAM is useful for many [not necessarily all] aspecs, as it creates this differentiation between wanting to date someone and wanting to, well, do the do with them. Through investigating common terms used by aspec people, I also find the terms aesthetic and sensual attraction useful, because I believe I have conflated aesthetic and sensual attraction with sexual attraction. [Also, in the past, for some reason I didn’t really know that sexual orientation referred to people that you literally wanted to have sex with. I thought it was just the people that you ‘liked’.] These specific terms have been quite useful to me personally, as I’ve realized that I really can tell the difference between the types of attraction that I experience. The issue is, I’m just not sure about my sexual attraction - have I actually experienced it, and if so, in what ways? It does get frustrating to question so much, but it’s an interesting exploration all the same.

Am I actually acespec? Maybe not. But even if I’m not, I’ve still learned a lot about acespec people, and again it’s wonderful to read about how many different experiences exist in this world. Looking back on my past has been interesting. Thinking about my present and my future is intriguing. Wondering what I am and where I’ll go is a mixed bag of emotions, but it’s here and I’m stuck with it. I think I’m probably arospec, and that discovery is honestly relieving. It feels like a weight lifted. It clicks into place. I’m just going to keep living and figuring out what the hell my sexual orientation is, and I’ll vibe with it, I guess. The general, whole, main point is: learning about these communities is an enlightening experience, and it has perhaps reshaped part of my view of society. And also, I write too much.

If you read this whole thing, I commend you for making it through my massive overshare. I hope you gained something from it, whether that be entertainment or knowledge or simple resonance with an idea.

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entity9silvergen · 3 years

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Mosaic (Disenchantment Fanfiction)

Summary: We are just mosaics of everyone we love and that mosaic shows everyone we love how beautiful they are. Bean doesn’t think she can love like everyone else but maybe that’s okay.

Fandom: Disenchantment

Word Count: 2K

Characters: Bean

Relationships: Bean/ Mora, Mentioned Bean & Everyone, Mentioned Odval/ Sorcerio, Mentioned Zog/ Oona, Mentioned Zog/ Dagmar

Warnings: Internalized arophobia, first person pov, some self-deprecation, sex mention, drug mention, mention of interspecies relationships in fantasy setting

Other Tags: F/F, Mentioned F/F QPR, Reflection/ Self-Reflection/ Internal Thoughts, No Dialogue, Queerplatonic, Aromantic Character, Aromantic Homosexual Character, Arospec Character, Queer Themes, Unreliable Narrarator, S3E6, Oneshot, AroWriMo 2021

Author’s Note: My friend sent me the line “I am a mosaic of everyone I’ve ever loved” about twenty minutes after I watched “Final Splash.” I’m working on the prompt for Week 2 of AroWriMo rn but I had to drop everything and write a short fic about this. Again, I didn’t really use the prompt but it kind of fits with week 1’s prompt romo/loveless & future.

I’m headcanonnoning Bean as aro or demiro/ greyro. I think in the show it was implied she never experienced romantic attraction prior to meeting Mora because she likes women and I don’t want to erase that in any way but Bean still gives off a big aromantic bisexual homo(queer)platonic vibe.

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My name is Princess Tiabeanie of Dreamland and I’ve never loved anyone.

I mean, I love my dad and my friends and all that but I’ve never loved loved anyone. Is that weird to say? That makes it sound like I don’t really love my dad and Elfo and Luci and everyone. I probably shouldn’t say that then because I actually love them a lot. They’re my everything.

One time, I was walking down Elf-Ally and this elf was sitting on the side of the road with some chalk. I feel like elves would really like chalk but I’ve never seen any of them use it, not even Arto, except this guy. I’d never seen anything like it before so I asked what he was doing and he said he was making this mosaic to show his love for this other elf he liked. I didn’t really understand it so he explained it to me like this: we are just mosaics of everyone we love and that mosaic shows everyone we love how beautiful they are.

I still didn’t get it so I just laughed at him and he got kind of upset and threw a piece of chalk at me. It didn’t really hurt but Luci was with me and the elf started throwing stuff at him and you know how Luci gets when he hits his nose so we left. I couldn’t really forget what that elf said though.

You see, a mosaic is a mix of a bunch of little pieces taken from different things that all come together to make one thing. There’s this mosaic at the church and it’s pretty freaking ugly but the mosaic this elf was making was just so beautiful. He used so many colors and he drew all these little pictures and hid these words I didn’t understand in them. I’d expect it to be all crude and gross like those scribbly pictures Derek would draw when he was younger that Oona pretended to love but it all came together so well. It didn’t even look like separate pieces. It was just one.

I couldn’t stop thinking about it. The influences of countless parts of my life, weaving together into an insanely complex mesh- That felt like me. I always felt like something was broken in me but maybe I’m just a mosaic.

I think my dad made me who I am the most. Even if he wasn’t really present most of my life. Sure, we don’t see eye to eye sometimes but I think we’re better because of that. He made me strong. His actions guided me into becoming the woman I am today. He taught me how to keep fighting. Literally and figuratively. He taught me to keep my head up and he taught me how to stab people. It’s pretty cool. I remember this one time as a kid he took me out to the courtyard, stole this guy’s knife, and taught me how to use it. I think I still have the knife actually. I don’t stab people with it anymore though.

(I hope he’s okay. He hasn’t been the same in awhile.)

My mom… Well, I don’t really love her anymore but I did for a long time. She was… How do I put it? A constant in my life. Even though she wasn’t there. What I felt towards her, it kept me together for a long time. When I had nothing to fall back on, I always had her memory. Until she tried to take over Dreamland, obviously. Now I just say she gave me my love for alcohol and that’s pretty sweet too.

(I still miss her. I bet she’s dead.)

You know those pictures where the guy has an angel and demon on his shoulders telling him what to do? That’s Elfo and Luci, and it’s literal for Luci. And maybe for Elfo? He did go to heaven that one time. It can be kind of annoying to hear them bickering all the time, especially since they almost never want the same thing, but I wouldn’t trade them for anything. Elfo keeps me safe and Luci pushes me to be more than I am. They make life fun. Fuller. Less lonely.

(I’m scared they might leave someday. I wouldn’t blame them.)

I don’t really like Derek but I still love him. Maybe a little less since he tried to burn me at the stake. Maybe a little more since he chickened out at the last second. And a little less because he still went through with it. And maybe a little more since it was an accident. We have a complicated relationship but he’s still my little brother, as weird as he is. He reminds me of what I have to fight for, if that makes sense. I don’t really see him as the future of Dreamland or anything but he’s still a little kid and I can’t really help but have a soft spot for him. Don’t tell him I said that.

(I wonder if he’ll keep me around when he’s king. I’d be lying if I said I was surprised.)

The same goes for Oona. I never liked her but I think I love her. Especially after she tried to save me from my mom. And since she became an epic pirate. She’s awesome. She’s the mom I always wished I had except she was actually there the whole time and I didn’t realize it. I’m happy with how things turned out though. I don’t regret it. Plus she’s got great taste in drugs. I still steal them sometimes.

(I don’t know if she loves me. Maybe she did once but not anymore.)

I kind of hate Odval and Sorcerio in a weird way where I like them at the same time. They’re not really family but always been there. Like they’re kind of like second dads to me. Second dads whose the sex lives I know way too much about. My gay polyamorous uncles? But they kind of care under all that court properness and tradition nonsense so they’ve kind of wormed their way into my heart. They’ve always made my life difficult but I don’t think I would be myself if I wasn’t challenged so much.

(I think they’d rather have me gone. They don’t hide it every well but I can pretend.)

I’m going to be honest, I was really bummed when Pendergast died. We were kind of the same age and he hung around the castle for most of my life. And my dad trusted him so we actually did stuff together sometimes. A lot of adventures that never really went anywhere. He could be kind of a stick in the mud but he never really minded that I’m a girl and let me tag along on crusades and helped me get better with weapons and stuff. And Pendergast was weirdly loyal to Dreamland, even after Dad forked his eye out. Or was it spooned? I don’t remember. Some kind of eating utensil. I wasn’t there when it happened. But it was nice knowing I could trust him. He could be kind of fun though when he was off-duty. Total lightweight though. He threw up on one of those little guys who carries dad’s cape once.

(I wish I’d known him better. I really miss him but I can’t tell anyone since Dad gets set off by anything that even reminds him of the guy.)

Who else is there? That’s right, Mertz and Turbish. Turbish and Mertz. Two peas in a pod. Plus Mrs. Mertz. Don’t get me wrong, they are idiots. Totally incompentant. It’s a wonder they’re still alive. But they’re sweet. And they try. They’re not good at anything but they try. Sometimes I don’t want to try but they tell me I always can.

(I’m waiting for the day they realize they could have a better life. It’ll be weird not having them around the palace.)

I even kind of like Merkimer. As a pig, not a human. God, he was an awful human but he’s a funny little pig. He lets Luci ride on his back sometimes. Both of them like it way more than either of them will ever admit. It’s cute. I think they’re friends. If they’re not, Elfo and I will start plotting until they are. Or maybe not. A Luci-Merkimer friendship might be too much for Dreamland to handle. They’re kind of a lot, even on their own. Merkimer always kind of had a big head and it only got bigger when he accepted his new life. It’s actually kind of inspiring how happy he is now.

(I don’t want him to change but he already has. It makes me sad sometimes.)

And Bunty. Oh, Bunty. And Stan! The world doesn’t really deserve Bunty. Stan does though. I think they’re the ones who taught me what real love is. Bunty always showed me love as a kid, she was like the second mom I never had but actually did have because Oona was there. But she gave me something neither Oona or Dagmar could. I didn’t really understand it until I saw her and Stan and their family together. I still don’t. They’re really sweet.

(I’d give them everything. I know they just see me as some spoiled princess though.)

I want what those two have. Or what Odval and Sorcerio have. What my dad had with Dagmar or Oona. What Elfo’s had, and Luci’s had, and Derek’s had, and the knights have had. It feels like everyone’s had that kind of deep love at some point except me. I didn’t even realize until I was talking to Mora.

I’ve had the chance to have it. Merkimer, that brother of his I accidentally killed, that one time Pendergast made a pass at me, that Steamland guy… I don’t think any of it really would’ve worked out though. I’ve had a lot of things with guys and there’s been kissing and touching and I’ve always enjoyed it but I think I always knew it would never go anywhere. That it will never go anywhere. And I can’t even blame my dad because it’s all me. It’s always been me. And I’m okay with that? Maybe? I don’t think so but I’m not really good at understanding my feelings. It’s just another thing on the pile of things I won’t work through.

I think I understood what I had with Mora though. It wasn’t… romantic but it felt like it almost was. We just… clicked. It felt right. She was tough and funny and she didn’t hold anything back. She followed her dreams and didn’t let the world get her down. That one night we had together, I felt like we were alone in the world.

Mora gave me the ocean and the stars.

She was beautiful. Maybe that’s what was missing? None of the guys I ever screwed around with were beautiful. Not like Mora was. Not like a woman can be. I really felt like this was it but there was still that disconnect. Like something was there but not quite. Like something was missing. I don’t know what it was.

But then she just left. I had that dream and I just felt so happy. I’d never felt happiness like that. And I never felt pain like the pain I felt when I woke up and the necklace was gone. I definitely would’ve cried if Elfo wasn’t there. I might’ve actually cried a little bit. It’s kind of hard to hear anything when Elfo’s sobbing. Some of those tears might have been mine.

Did I love her? I don’t think so. Not like Elfo loved that boat. It wasn’t romantic. But it was real. It gives me hope. I don’t think I’m capable of the same kind of love everyone else seems capable of and that’s not even a slight at me. It’s just reality. But what I had with Mora, however brief and imagined it was, tells me that’s okay. I don’t need the kind of love everyone else has. Not when I have so many others in my life.

Still, I hope I see her again, even for a second, just to feel that kind of happiness again.

I think that’s what that elf meant when he said we are just mosaics of everyone we love and that mosaic shows everyone we love how beautiful they are. Mora was beautiful and she didn’t see it but maybe she would if she saw how I looked at her.

Stars and the ocean, I’ll never forget them. They’ll be a part of my mosaic forever.

Other AroWriMo Fics By Me, Posted on Ao3, Posted on FFN

#fanfiction #fanfic #arowrimo #aromantic writing month #week 1 #i am doing another one #oneshot #disenchantment #disenchanted season 3 #disenchanted netflix #disenchanted bean #disenchanted mora #i don't know why the tags are wrong #aromantic #aspec #aromantic allosexual character #queer themes

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hamiltalian-creates · 4 years

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Wine Mom Dadceit, Pt 6

Summary: Virgil tries to settle in for the weekend without being an absolute gay disaster. He tries.

Pairings: Mentioned Virgil x Remy, Queerplatonic Patton x Logan, Past Janus x Patton

Words: 1,775

Warnings: None

Logan was a merciful being, he wasn’t going to mess with Virgil about his secret. Besides, he already had a feeling that Janus was doing enough of that. Instead, he changed Virgil’s focus by letting him pick the music they listened to during the drive, before and after their trip to the store. It was a trick that Janus had taught him when Logan took him and Remus out to bond with them while Janus and Roman stayed home and had their own spa day. Virgil relaxed pretty quickly when he was listening to his music and it had the added bonus of Remus liking it and being a mostly calm kid.

Of course, he still got nervous as they pulled up to the house and found Patton waiting at the door.

“He doesn't know, does he?..” Virgil asked, sinking into his seat.

“He doesn’t know a thing. I promised I would keep your secret and I will.”

“Right.. I mean, there’s no secret to keep, but if you and my dad are just going to sit and gossip, there’s no reason to-”

“Ugh, your cover’s been blown! You’re gay, deal with it!” Remus groaned before getting out of the car.

“... Please don’t tell him.”

“I won’t. There’s no need to worry.” Logan gave him a reassuring smile before getting out of the car and greeting Patton with a kiss on the cheek. “Sorry we’re late.. I decided to let them get some snacks at the gas station.”

Virgil silently nodded as he passed both of them with a slushie. He didn’t want to accidentally spill his secret again. He went straight up to his room and put down his bag, sighing as Roman ran into the room. “What do you want?”

Roman pouted and showed him a container of purple slime, glancing between the two, as if Virgil should understand it.

Alright, that was a new one. He didn't understand it, but he knew Roman. “You’re getting creative with your insults, I will say that.”

“No,” Roman whined, grabbing Virgil’s hand. He grabbed the slime and plopped it into Virgil’s hand. “Try it!”

Virgil decided to humor him, messing with the slime in his hands. “Okay... This is actually pretty cool. Why are you giving it to me?”

“It’ll help you be less scared of everything so Remus doesn’t have to fight me because of you! And it’s purple!”

Virgil was surprised by how almost sincere that sounded. “Uh... Thank you. So, it’s a gift?”

Roman sighed dramatically. “Obviously! Do you like it?”

Virgil hummed in pretend thought as he messed with the slime a little more. “I think I do.”

Roman smiled brightly and left the room.

Virgil waited until he was gone before letting himself smile as he played with the slime. It really was surprisingly calming and when mixed with the loud music in his headphones, he definitely would’ve lost track of time had his popstar not walked in a few minutes later. Virgil pulled down his headphones as he saw him and smiled a bit. “Hey... Roman gave me a present, apparently.”

Patton nodded. “Yeah, I was taking him to get some art supplies and he saw it and thought of you.”

“That’s cool..”

“Yeah... Well, I just wanted to say hi and maybe see if you wanted to hang out and maybe talk for a bit.” Patton said, trying not to sound too awkward. He got along well with Virgil, but the angstier he got, the less he felt like he could relate with him. They were so different, Patton couldn’t help but to be awkward sometimes.

When it came to awkwardness, however, Virgil had him beat. “Talk? What’s there to talk about? Nothing's going on,” he said, trying not to sound too defensive.

Patton smiled. “I know, you’re not going to make friends and all that.. We don’t even have to talk, but I thought maybe we could paint our nails?..” He held up a few nail polish bottles.

“Oh... Yeah.. That actually sounds nice.” Virgil smiled and put away his slime, looking down at his chipped nail polish. “I have been putting this off for a while..” Did his nails look like that all week? Did he really let Remy see his jacked up nail polish?

Virgil was pulled out of his mind as Patton sat down with him.

“Something on your mind, kiddo?”

Virgil shook his head, realizing that opening his mouth to answer that question probably wasn't a good idea.

“Okay.. Well, you know, no pressure. I’m just here to do you nails for you, just some father son bonding time.” He looked down at Virgil’s nails. “Oh, how could I forget nail polish remover?” he asked with a laugh. “I’ll be right back.” He got up and went to get the nail polish remover and some cotton balls, quickly getting back to Virgil. “Sorry, I forget how often you have your nails painted..” He sat down and held his hand out for Virgil’s.

Virgil smiled and gave him his hand. “It’s fine. I’m just glad I’m not biting my nails anymore.” That was why Virgil had decided to start painting his nails and he’d stopped since, but he still liked the look.

Patton nodded and began cleaning the chipped polish off of his nails. “You seemed like you were freaking out a bit earlier, is everything okay in school?”

“Yeah... Yeah, everything is totally fine, I’m not hiding anything, just...” He glanced around for a split second. “Caffeine. Yeah, from the slushie, it’s really messing with me, I guess.”

“I thought caffeine was bad for your anxiety.”

How Virgil forgot that caffeine usually induced panic attacks, even he would never understand. “I mean.. I guess it only applies to coffee. I just feel kind of hyper at most right now.”

“Okay... Well, let me know if you start feeling bad, okay?” Patton hummed, focusing on cleaning the black polish from Virgil’s nails.

“Yeah, don’t worry.” Virgil tried to calm himself down and focus on this time with his dad. “So... How are things between you and Logan?”

Patton immediately began smiling brightly. “It’s great... I was kind of scared that I’d start feeling something romantic for him, since what we have is a lot like a typical relationship, but-”

Virgil threw in a dramatic groan for comedic effect. He actually thought that Logan and his dad were a really cute platonic couple.

Patton got the joke and laughed. “I’m serious. I’m surprised that I don’t feel anything romantic, but it’s not like this feels any lesser. It’s just different..”

“What about Roman?” Virgil asked, though it was pretty clear what he thought of the kid.

“Roman’s not that bad and you know it. He’s dramatic, but he’s a really good kid. He’s a sweetheart when he wants to be.”

Virgil nodded and glanced towards his new slime. He’d be lying if he said that he thought Roman was exclusively a brat. “Am I the only person he bullies?”

Patton shrugged. “I think it’s how he shows affection. He’s like that with everyone sometimes and he seems upset when people get offended by it. Logan’s started responding with his own small insults, just poking fun at his Disney obsession and Roman seems to adore it.”

“That... Actually makes a lot of sense.” Virgil thought about all of the times that Roman picked on him and it made sense that he was just trying to be his brother. Remus still liked to bring dead things inside and got upset when it freaked Virgil out, why wouldn’t Roman’s choice of affection be a few mean words?

“Yeah, but I can’t blame Remus for being so protective. It’s kind of sweet, actually, when it doesn’t involve taping Roman to walls.” Patton finished cleaning up the black nail polish from Virgil’s hands and showed him the colors he had. “Okay, choose.”

Virgil picked out purple and black. “Maybe, like, alternating or something?..”

“Oh, yeah, that would look so nice together!” Patton smiled and began painting his nails.

Virgil crossed his legs and simply watched, enjoying the quiet. It was relaxing, even with the scent of nail polish in the air.

Patton stayed silent as he focused on getting his son’s nails neatly painted. He didn’t care about how neatly it was done on his own hands, but he knew Virgil would care about his own. “Maybe you can do mine afterwards,” he commented as he began on Virgil’s second hand.

“Eh.. I’m still going to be drying out, but I can try,” Virgil responded before blowing on his nails to help dry the polish.

“Oh, you don’t have to. I just thought it might be fun.”

Virgil smiled. “I think it’ll be fun, too. It’s nice spending quiet time with you.”

Patton smiled at that. He had a bad habit of speaking through movies, so those were something he tended to enjoy more with Remus. It was weird at times trying to find something to enjoy with Virgil for that reason, but this seemed to be perfect. “I’m enjoying this too.” He made careful work of finishing his other hand before letting them both take a break.

“So, I’m guessing pastel blue for you?” Virgil asked.

“Yep!”

Virgil smiled. “If I'm being totally honest, I’ll never understand why you’re so into pastels.”

Patton laughed at that. “You’ve been in your emo phase for twelve years, I wouldn't expect you to be a fan of pastels.”

Virgil looked down at his drying black and purple nails and nodded. “Yeah, that’s fair.” He instinctively began smiling as he heard his phone vibrate. Trying to be as subtle as he could, he picked up his phone and attempted to seem uninterested as he saw a few more texts from Remy flying in.

“Is that a friend?..” Patton asked.

Virgil did his best to think straight. Or at least to not think gay panic. Popstar didn’t know anything about Remy, he knew that for sure. Remus and Logan both swore not to tell and his father would never rat him out like that, so he was obviously just asking a question. “Not really, we’re just working together on this stupid school project. Yeah, we’re doing a think about... Triangles.” Nailed it.

For obvious reasons, Patton doubted that. “Triangles?..”

“Uh.. Yeah. Like, isosceles or something. Our teacher wanted to give us an easy A project or something.”

Patton gave him a doubtful look. “You know, you don’t have to lie, Virgil. If you don’t want to tell me about your new friend, you don’t have to.”

Yeah, he didn’t expect that to work.

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fire-fira · 4 years

Text

Nonbinary Awareness Week Day 6: Nonbinarity in Relation to the World

What is my sexuality and how do I relate to the terminology around sexuality?:

I’m asexual and aromantic, which probably simplifies things for me by a lot.

More specifically, I’m a sex-repulsed ace and a romance-neutral aro-- but I am in a mixed queerplatonic/romantic committed relationship and am engaged. (It’s queerplatonic on my end and romantic on hers, and I love her to pieces and want to explode anytime someone implies our relationship ‘isn’t real’ because of my being an aroace. She’s the single-most important person to me and anyone who dares to say I don’t love her can fuck right off.)

My fiance is a lesbian, but her being primarily attracted to women has no bearing on me. She loves me and wants to spend her life with me, and to me that’s all that really matters (as in I have absolutely zero feelings of inadequacy over the fact that I’m not a woman when she’s generally attracted to women).

Even if I weren’t aroace, I don’t think I’d ever call myself ‘straight’ or ‘gay’. 1) Because (nonsensical as it is) I still have it ingrained from when I was a kid that me being the type of enby I am makes it impossible for me to be straight, and 2) to my mind in order to be gay I’d have to be attracted to someone of the same gender (and considering how specific my gender is, that’s kind of a difficult possibility). And yes, I know that’s me taking said terms in way too narrow a definition (tbh I don’t apply said terms so narrowly to others and interpret them as far more broad in that context), but that’s just kind of how it works out in my head specifically in relation to me. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Does my nonbinarity influence my relationship with my body and the terminology around it?:

Unquestionably, yes. I have an educational background that has made me comfortable with saying accurate terms for specific body parts without any cutesy or crude colloquialisms, but I find that applying some of those terms (regardless of how accurate another person may view them to be) is dysphoria-inducing and uncomfortable as hell. A breast is a breast on a woman, man, or enby regardless of tissue and fat placement, but I can only ever bring myself to refer to my chest as my chest. The same is true for other parts of my body, and I think a large part of it is due to how ridiculously over-gendered some body parts are. That, and it took me a long damn time to be able to look at my body and see it just as a nonbinary body.

And seeing my body as just a nonbinary body? That has helped immensely with some of the dysphoria I have (and had). (And thank gods for having gotten past some really unpleasant dysphoria-based impulses, because those thoughts were HELL.)

What’s my relationship with gender roles? Do I fulfill a more traditionally feminine or masculine role, both, or something else completely?:

I’d have to say it’s something else completely for me. I know there are things I do and ways I behave that could be interpreted as either feminine or masculine, but I honestly don’t think of myself or my behavior in those terms.

Then again, I’ve spent a large chunk of my life picking apart internalized unnecessarily gendered crap and throwing gendered ideologies to the side. I know how to sew, crochet, and do embroidery (I’m not the best out there, but I do passably well) and when I’m in the mood for any of those things it’s enjoyable, but I don’t see those things as inherently feminine. Just like how I know how to throw a punch, can generally figure out how something is put together if I have to take it apart, and am a giant freaking nerd who isn’t above cackling over impressive explosions on tv or in movies-- none of which are things I interpret as inherently masculine (though I know a lot of people might).

Ultimately the concepts of femininity and masculinity are really weird to me. I just am how I am, do what I do, and enjoy what I enjoy regardless of any concept of whether it’s feminine or masculine. That said, there are some things that feel ‘too’ feminine or masculine for my tastes as something I’d want to do (or wear since it’s usually in relation to clothes), but those are usually cases of something just not being for me and that’s okay.

I will say that for my perspective on my ‘gender role’ I feel like a big part of it is in educating, mediating, and being helpful. Me helping others understand things around my areas of knowledge is as much a part of it as me knowing more first aid than most and being able to use it when needed. Which may sound a little strange, but it’s the way I feel and it is what it is. (Plus green and nature. Those tie in really strongly for me as well, in that same sort of association of pink and blue to binary genders.)

How is my presentation (e.g. clothes, makeup, (body/facial) hair, mannerisms) related to my nonbinarity?:

Whoo boy. This is probably going to get longer than I want it to. idk.

Clothes-- it’s a complicated mix of trying to be read as nonbinary and not-white as possible, which means for a long time it was a lot of just t-shirts and pants. It still mostly is that (it’s changed a little and gotten a little more sophisticated as I’ve gotten older, but it’s still pretty relaxed), and most people can pick up pretty quickly that I’m not what they’d consider feminine.

Makeup-- I generally hate having anything on my face, especially anything I would have to concern myself about smudging, but when it comes to cosplay or Halloween (or acting, or drag shows, etc) then I’m all in. (And I am so freaking grateful that my fiance may as well be a makeup artist, because while I can avoid looking like a clown, my skills aren’t anywhere near her level.)

(Body/facial) hair: - Body hair I generally leave alone aside from my pits and minor landscaping to keep things from getting out of hand; otherwise I don’t care. - In terms of facial hair I have a very light fuzz pretty much all over my face (though you wouldn’t know it unless I decided to take mascara to all of it, and if I did I’d have a pretty obvious-- though thin-- mustache), which I’m completely comfortable with and leave as is. - As for the hair on my head, it’s long (down to about my mid-back currently, though I have had it down to just past my butt plenty of times before) and the most I do with it is basic upkeep (washing, brushing, occasionally pulling it back when warranted, and braiding when I feel like it). I don’t see my long hair as feminine-- I see it as the most obvious external signal I can give that I’m Native, so that’s what I do.

Mannerisms-- Uhhhh... I’m unintentionally too aggressive and intense to be read as remotely feminine. But at the same time I make a genuine effort to be as gentle, comforting, educationally informative, and understanding as possible and I’m ‘too’ comfortable (no such thing in my book) with expressing my emotions, so I’m also unlikely to get read as masculine. I also have a subconscious habit of speaking in a short and clipped manner verbally (which unfortunately can make me come off angry when I’m not), and most of the time my body language is strong, confident, and I allow myself to take up space. I’m sort of a mixed bag of loud and impossible to miss, and yet also quiet and able to retreat and disappear into the background. A lot of people find me intimidating in person before they get to know me, though I try not to intimidate anyone. (Also doesn’t help that when I’m reading or concentrating on something my eyebrows subconsciously pull together, which makes me look-- in my fiance’s words-- like I’m about to murder someone.) So yeah, I’m all over the place.

How often do I think about my gender?:

I would say not all that often these days, but I do think about it when it gets brought up or when I get misgendered. Basically when it’s relevant I think about it, but when it’s not I don’t.

---

[Day 1] [Day 2]

[Day 3] [Day 4]

[Day 5]

#NBWeek #Nonbinary Awareness Week #NonbinaryAwarenessWeek #nonbinary #non-binary #my life #long post

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lovingalexlots · 5 years

Text

Fictional Rec Friday (v.4): Yesterday Upon the Stairs

This week we’re back to some Fanfiction! BNHA (My Hero Academia) to be specific.

Now this fic is pretty well known and loved within the fandom, so if you haven’t read it, what are you doing? Go do that now! >Ao3 Link!<

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Title: Yesterday Upon the Stair

Author: PitViperOfDoom ( @pitviperofdoom )

Rating: Teen and Up

Archive Warning: Graphic Depictions of Violence!

Tags: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, BAMF Midoriya Izuku, Parental Yagi Toshinori | All Might, The Sixth Sense AU, Bakugou Katsuki Swears A Lot, Izuku Sees Dead People, Queerplatonic Relationships, Midoriya Izuku Has a Quirk, Platonic Slow Burn, platonic tododeku, Panic Attacks, past trauma, Body Horror, Character Death, Don't copy to another site

Ships: Not any real Shippy-ships, mostly all platonic mates and ngl it’s beautiful

Words: 424,070

Chapters: 60

Published: 2016-2019 (it just finished Oct. 12th and I cried)

Summary:

Midoriya Izuku has always been written off as weird. As if it's not bad enough to be the quirkless weakling, he has to be the weird quirkless weakling on top of it.

But truthfully, the "weird" part is the only part that's accurate. He's determined not to be a weakling, and in spite of what it says on paper, he's not actually quirkless. Even before meeting All-Might and taking on the power of One For All, Izuku isn't quirkless.

Not that anyone would believe it if he told them.

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Okay, you really should check out the fanart tag! ( Link ) If my flailing doesn’t get you to read this damn masterpiece, the crap ton of great fanart will! (seeing stuff on Pinterest is what made me aware of the story myself, sooooo)

YUTS may be long, but BOY is it freaking worth it!! You’ll be begging for more when you finish!

The title is connected to a great poem that perfectly fits the story too!

It’s so great and so well written, that I often find myself having to double take on facts. Like “wait, no, that was YUTS, not canon...” I’d give an example but uh...

and I’mma try to refrain from them cause this story is just so freaking great I don’t want to ruin anything for people!

YUTS is one of those stories you never forget, one of those fics that you mistake for canon all the time just because they were written so spot on.

I mean... Deku sees dead people.... freaking ghosts are cool, man...

Don’t get me started on the (admittingly rare) absolutely lovable OC’s that are actually some of the main characters!

and did I mention major class 1-A shenanigans and Izuku having a pet cat? Cause that shit is priceless.

An added bonus, is all the other inspired fics to this one! For example, you may have heard about U.A. Unsolved? Cause akgha;sdlfjk Its so funny! A perfect companion to YUTS’s dark themes and well placed humor and sass!

__________________

idk what else to say, I just flail too much about this fic, okay? Just take my word for it and go read! Shoo! Go! Read your little hearts out!

Link to YUTS Series

Link to U.A. Unsolved

#yuts #deku sees dead people #izuku sees dead people #yesterday upon the stair #fictional rec friday #FRF #fic rec #bnha fanfiction #bnha #bnha fic rec

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ernmark · 7 years

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Do you think Rilla loves Damien the way he loves her? It seems that she loves him as a friend and less romantically

I was wondering the same thing the first time we met her. Now that we’ve spent some time with her, though, the short answer is yes, I absolutely think she loves him as more than a friend.

We’ve seen that Rilla repeatedly prioritizes Damien above herself and above others around her. Of course, it’s hard to see that clearly because Rilla is naturally a lot lower energy and generally more reserved than Damien is, so we see her express her feelings a lot less openly than he does– and she has a vested interest in keeping it that way.

Before I plunge into my evidence jar, though, I’d like to add a caveat:

Aromanticism is a thing that exists. You could easily make the argument that Rilla is aromantic and that her love for Damien is more in line with a queerplatonic relationship than a romantic one, but either way, Damien’s going to hold Most Important Person status in Rilla’s book.

Rilla prioritizes Damien. A lot.

I’ve talked before about her grand entrance during the second duel: she heard the sounds of a struggle, she saw a dead rat the size of a horse, she knew he (an armed, trained Knight of the Queen) was in danger,and she (a civilian specifically not trained in combat) came running to his aid anyway.

So we already know that she prioritizes his safety over her own. You could make the argument that that’s kind of her schtick as a medical professional. After all:

You try having as manypeople relying on you as I do, Marc, and then tell me if you can afford tobe scared.

Even so, she worries about Damien to a degree that we haven’t seen her worry about anybody else-- particularly Marc and Talfryn. Marc refers to Rilla as being “like my sister for as longas I can remember”, which indicates a pretty solid and long-lasting friendship; I wouldn’t be surprised if they were counted as two of her best friends. Marc and Tal are capable, but they’re still both civilians, they’re poorly outfitted and equipped, they’re seemingly always just short of essential supplies like food and Marc’s medicine, and they don’t have the Knights of the Citadel backing them up when they leap headlong into danger. But Rilla pointedly doesn’t freak out about either of them the way she does about Damien.

Look at her priorities when it came to destroying the Damien decoy:

I just knew that if he wasreal, and if you or I or Dampierre or anyone else somehow got hurt trying tosave him, he’d never forgive himself.

Note that it wasn’t “I couldn’t let you or Dampierre get hurt”-- it was that either of them getting hurt would be bad for Damien specifically. (This isn’t to say she doesn’t care about her friends, just what takes precedence in her mind.)

I think it’s also important to point out that she was willing to kill Damien herself-- which was incredibly traumatic for her, even if it wasn’t actually him-- in order to spare him from a trauma so intense that it would be “worse than killing him”.

That’s all in the dramatic life-or-death stuff, but it also shows up in the little everyday things. Look back to the first night of the festival:

RILLA: I don’t like to admit it, but I always look forward to the Festival of the Three. The flags, the fights, even those goofy-looking tents…DAMIEN: It’s Saint Aaron’s Night tonight. You should go see some of the fights in the square.RILLA: I don’t think so. I think I’d rather be here. With you.

Looking at the context: it’s almost midnight, she’s exhausted, she’s already seen Damien that morning (probably early that morning, too), there’s an event below that she’s really excited about, and she’s probably got other friends down there that she could hang out with. But she climbs at least four stories worth of stairs to come see him while he’s on guard duty, and she insists on hanging out with him even after he tells her to go and have fun without him.

Even in the little everyday ways, being with him is her priority.

So yes. Damien is Very Important to Rilla. Arguably more so than most of the people in her life. But that comes across more in her actions than in her words for one big reason:

Rilla isn’t very open in general.

It’s a pretty striking contrast, really: Damien is energetic and excitable, and he’s so quick to talk about his emotions that “I must speak my heart” is his freakin’ catchphrase. Standing next to him, absolutely anybody is going to look quiet and reserved by comparison. Rilla in particular has a fairly low-energy personality, and she’s particularly not the kind of person who talks about her feelings freely.

If her behaviors aren’t enough evidence on their own, we can always point to her description in the script:

Likes people, but really likes her alone time. (KotC/LotS)

Mostly just wants to beleft alone. (TH)

The woman is a Grade A introvert.

(Speaking of extremely introverted ladies with extroverted love interests, this isn’t the first time on the Penumbra that we’ve seen a relationship that’s lopsided in terms of energy levels and emotional expression. In fact, I’d argue that Juno and Peter are even more so, with one key difference: Juno is the narrator, so we can see all the pining and infatuation that doesn’t actually make it into his dialogue.)

Like I said, Rilla’s pretty emotionally reserved. The first time we see her hold Damien’s hand, it’s while he’s working himself into a panic about Angelo. The first time we see her hug him, it’s when he’s freaking out about Arum. We see her gently ribbing and being casually affectionate with him (calling him “sir poet”, laughing with him, teasing him during the story, etc), but when he’s upset, she’s a whole lot more clear and careful about her affection. It’s important to her that he understand that she cares about him.

It’s not just Damien she’s reserved with, either-- she teases Marc too, but a lot harder, and it’s clear that it hurts him:

MARC: I’ve been riding days to seeyou, Rilla! You must have a couple minutes for your best friend.RILLA: I already said hi to Dampierre.MARC: (NERVOUS LAUGH) Careful. If you keep joking about that, I mightstart to think it’s true.

Compare that to the way she speaks to Damien just a few minutes before:

RILLA: I had a good time, Damien. I’m just tired.DAMIEN: Tired? Have I tired you?RILLA: (EXHAUSTED) No. Actually, staying up all night at the festival made me tired. Weird, right?

She’s a lot more gentle with him, and for good reason. I think if she started joking with Damien the way she does with Marc, he’d take it to heart instantly. I mean, look at what happened when Rilla sidestepped a question:

Did I ask her when? I don’t recall. Did I ask her and she didn’t answer? What does that mean, Saint Damien? Does it mean she doesn’t want to marry me? That she doesn’t love me? Perhaps she doesn’t today. Perhaps she never has, or what if— No, no. That’s absurd.... But… then why wouldn’t she answer? Have I pressured her too much? No, no… but what if I have?What if I always have? I’ll have to ask her....

And so forth.

Where Rilla is relatively callous toward Marc, she goes out of her way to reassure Damien that she does love him.

RILLA: I know it’s hard for you. I’ll say it as many times as I need to. I love you, Damien.

Her wording here-- “as many times as I need to”-- seems to indicate that this is a bit outside of her comfort zone. Most of her behavior here seems to be a little bit outside her comfort zone, actually. She doesn’t seem the type who typically says she loves people so directly, or initiates casual physical contact. The fact that she does for Damien’s sake says a lot.

Rilla doesn’t do vulnerability.

I’ve mentioned before that when Marc is hurting or scared, he gets mouthy. Rilla does the opposite. When she starts feeling vulnerable, she tries to stop the conversation altogether.

RILLA: The poetry’s seen better days. He’s in the middle of a sonnets phase, but at least it’s better than the odes.MARC: And the monsters?RILLA: (TOO DEFENSIVE) They’re monsters? What do you want?MARC: You… just didn’t mention—RILLA: Marc, do you mind? I can’t with you talking.

Notice how abruptly she goes from a perfectly normal (if a little bit grouchy) conversation to completely shutting him down. And then we see her do it again:

MARC: Alright, so. We just need to figure out if this is an illusion, right? So could this have been pulled from the pain-center of your brain?RILLA: Oh, what a shock. The sight of my fiancée being crushed to death upsets me.MARC: No, I mean… today. Tal was on my mind today and the Rattle-Panther was on Dampierre’s. Why would you be worried about a monster killing Damien today?RILLA: (SNAPPING) Just stop and let me think!

And again:

MARC: Ha ha, Rilla, you did it! Did you see that thing burst? It was another fungus-illusion all along! (PAUSE. SHE DOESN’T RESPOND. HE TRIES TO CHEER HER UP) So, um, how did you figure it out?RILLA: I didn’t.MARC: Uh… what?RILLA: (PAUSE. WHEN SHE SPEAKS, SHE NEEDS TO COLLECT HERSELF, NOT THE SAMPLES) Listen, I… just need a second to collect some samples. We still have to make your medicine.

She tries really hard to do it again, but Marc isn’t backing down, and eventually she cracks and actually starts saying what’s on her mind:

MARC: Are you sure… are you sure you want to marry someone like that? That mushroom showed us the thought hurts you, but… it’s going to happen, one day. Do you really want to live through that?RILLA: Marc, I’m tired. Just take your medicine and get out of here, okay? Please?MARC: Rilla, I’m trying to talk—RILLA: And I’m trying to stop talking, so drop it.(BEAT. THEN, ANGRY)Don’t condescend to me, okay? I can be scared that Damien is going to die in the slime of some monster and still want him to be a knight. I think he’s an idiot for it, but whatever. I love him. I want him to be happy. And if that means burying him with a talon through his heart one day, fine. I’ll do it.

Marc isn’t the only one she shuts down this way when she gets upset-- but when she does it with Damien, it sounds different:

DAMIEN: Please don’t worry for me, Rilla. This is my duty as a knight.RILLA: I’m not worried about you. You’ll win. You always win. I’m just trying to keep you from killing yourself in the process.

DAMIEN: But… my duel tonight…RILLA: After your duel. (HIDING HER CONCERN IN A BORED TONE) You’ll win, Damien. You always win.DAMIEN: But if I don’t… promise me you’ll remember me for last night? Dancing beneath the bell? Not—RILLA: Fine, I promise. Now go. I want sleep.

Once again, she shuts down the conversation-- but rather than snapping at him the way she does with Marc, she uses droll confidence to deny that Damien dying is even an option.

She probably could talk about this with Damien-- after all, he prioritizes her as much as she does him-- but if he thought his being a knight was hurting her, he’d probably seriously consider giving it up, and she’s not willing to stop him from doing what he loves. So she keeps her mouth shut and swallows her anxieties. And yeah, at times that means she can be a little short with him. But even then, it’s never without love.

#the penumbra podcast #penumbra meta #second citadel #remembersunflowers #this is the meta that died before

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