#all of these things and the choices he's made for and because of and despite these things are inextricable from who he is | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

vivelegalite · 3 days

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dear dead boy detective (especially paynland) enjoyers: have you yet heard of the biggest gift bestowed upon the fandom so far, aka jayden's charles playlist? the one he mentioned in interviews? well, he dropped it on twitter at 19th of may. and man, do i have stuff to say about it.

there's a lot of 80's bangers, for sure, great to get into the mood and character, but some of the choices...

i'm gonna focus on a few of my favourites, songs that made me go insane when i saw them. honorable mentions: - category 1 (so devoted the lines blur): ain't no mountain high enough by marvin gaye and tammi terrell, there is a light that never goes out by the smiths, inkpot gods by the amazing devil - category 2 (family life): family line and summer child by conan gray, seventeen going under by sam fender, matilda by harry styles, father by the front bottoms - category 3 (being queer in the 80s): smalltown boy by bronski beat, boys don't cry by the cure - category 4 (there's no heterosexual explanation for this one): good luck, babe! by chappel roan, yellow by coldplay, fight or flight by conan gray (is this about monty? the cat king? i need answers!), the prophecy by taylor swift, arms tonite by mother mother, sweet by cigarettes after sex, head over heels by tears for fears

this list is by no means complete or comprehensive!

and now, the songs that made me go the craziest: (they're predominantly in charles' pov as it's his playlist)

found heaven by conan gray

the only reason this song made it into the list and not the honorable mentions instead of smalltown boy is that it makes almost the same point, just so much more explicitly. i don't think i have to say much about it, it's a story of a young person griping with their queerness, being forced to leave home, a common theme of the playlist. "you're in love, you found heaven" when he chose edwin over his own afterlife, heavily implied to be heaven, and built his heaven with him on the mortal plane? ouch! (and we see this same notion repeated in another bop from the playlist, heaven is a place on earth by belinda carlisle).

2. like real people do by hozier

"i miss kissing" charles rowland, 202X romantic meaning aside, the verses show a sort of a common understanding the boys have around the manner of their deaths and their lives before it. we already know from the show they don't really talk about it, with edwin not knowing about the severity of the abuse charles suffered. it feels like one of them saying "let the past be past, we're together now, yeah?". but also, jayden: can there ever be a platonic explanation for this? ghosts can't touch, can't feel, so they wish they could just kiss like "real" (alive?) people do?

3. flaws by bastille

not the most romantic song, but i absolutely love how well it fits their dynamic. despite his edwardian brand of repression, edwin truly is the one that's more open about his feelings (recognising of course that in this case, the bar is so low it's in hell. haha, get it). edwin has worn his flaws upon his sleeve, and charles has held them buried - eg. bottling up all of his anger and resentment towards his family and his own death. the song presents a very sweet outlook, in which their flaws are brought up to the surface (for example, charles' outburst against the night nurse in episode 4), but they learn to accept them as they are, an extension of themselves.

4. a pearl by mitski

you know it's gonna get intense if there's a mitski song in the mix.

the song is about a person who finds love in their partner, someone who treats them way better than they've ever been treated - and yet they cannot bring themselves to reciprocate the affection ("it's not that i don't want you, sorry i can't take your touch") despite reciprocating the feelings themselves because of the trauma. charles is known to bottle things up ("you're growing tired of me and all the things i don't talk about"). the person in the song recognises the love the other person holds for them ("you love me so hard and i still can't sleep"), which reminds me of charles' response to edwin's confession. not a "no", but a "maybe, as time passes".

5. fair by the amazing devil

this one made me genuinely gasp when i first delved into the lyrics. it's simply so sweet, such a genuine and domestic portrayal of love. at first i thought it was way too open about being a love song (normal text instead of the subtext i'd be used to) for jayden to choose it with edwin in mind, but... there's no one else it can really be about. it's far too domestic, too "established" to refer to crystal. refers to a relationship that's laster for a longer while.

the narrator in the first verse is a person deeply in love with the other person, someone who loves to make his lover laugh and simply drinks in their presence. the "he" in the song i believe is charles, while the "she" refers to edwin. edwin promises to fight off anyone - or any feelings pulling charles down (we can see this in the first episode: "you ever think... what if death did catch us? she'd force us to go to the afterlife and split up" "i will make sure this never happens."). charles feels left behind by the world (seeing as he clings to crystal at first, refering to her as "someone their age who's still alive") and believes edwin to be so much stronger than he's ever been. i'm not going to break down the song verse by verse, but if you read it yourself while subbing out "he" for charles and "she" for edwin you'll see just how sweet (and... strangely very in character?) the song is.

6. work song by hozier

if the previous song made me gasp when i saw the lyrics, this one made me go "NO WAY" out loud when i saw the title. the first one verse is just pure toothrotting sweetness, but the chorus is what i want to draw attention to:

when my time comes around lay me gently in the cold, dark earth no grave can hold my body down i'll crawl home to her

HELLO? charles, who keeps escaping death and afterlife to be able to stay with edwin? charles, as he literally takes his last breath with edwin right there, choosing to be by his side rather than move on? charles, who keeps choosing him despite night nurse's promises and threats? charles, who literally crawled through hell for him?

verse 2, to me, can be interpreted as referring to when charles died. edwin found him at his worst, and he "woke" up with his presence comforting him. he was shivering due to hypothermia and his injuries. edwin didn't ask him about what happened or pushed him, he simply listened. the lines "i didn't care much how long i lived, but I swear, i thought i dreamed her" are pretty self explanatory.

in verse 3 we still see the same attitude of "damn the afterlife, at least we have each other" as charles portrays througout the series. they're free, and heaven and hell are simply words to him.

7. orpheus by vincent lima

i literally have no words for this one. it fits too well. if you want commentary for this one, just... i don't know, rewatch the staircase scene.

8. francesca by hozier

(cracks knuckles) this is the big one. the album francesca is from, unreal unearth, is based on dante alighieri's divine comedy, a fourteenth century poem about a man venturing into hell, purgatory and eventually heaven. the eponymous francesca is one francesca di rimini, a woman who was politically married off to a man older than her, called giovanni malatesta. francesca didn't love him, and eventually fell deep in love with giovanni's younger brother, paolo. the two carried on with the affair for years, before being murdered by giovanni upon his finding out. francesca and paolo are mentioned in canto v of the first book, inferno, as two souls damned in the second circle of hell, lust. their punishment is to be permanently locked in a hurricane, swept away by the winds the moment they manage to get close enough to touch one another.

as opposed to their portrayal in the poem, the song is from the perspective of paolo, explaining that no matter the punishment, he wouldn't change anything about his life because he got to know, and love, francesca.

the first verse brings to mind the scenes in hell, especially on the staircase ("do you think I'd give up? that this might've shook the love from me? or that I was on the brink? how could you think, darlin', i'd scare so easily?" as an echo of charles' "sorry. no version of this where i didn't come get you"). "my life was a storm since i was born, how could i fear any hurricane?" could relate to charles' tumultuous family life, an assurance that nothing he has to deal with while by edwin's side will faze him given the things he's lived through. no, despite everything he's suffered through, charles wouldn't do anything differently - because his (admittedly shitty) life led him to edwin ("i'd tell them, put me back in"). we already know charles would choose him over heaven, willingly sacrificing his own afterlife to stay with a boy he's known for hours, someone kind enough to keep him company as he drew his final breath. all of it - his father's abuse, his schoolmates' bigotry, the pain of his own death, as well as everything he's gone through since - he'd do it all again, for edwin.

"for all that was said of where we'd end up at the end of it" could be taken as an allusion to the fate the boys would meet at "at the end of it", when they're finally caught by death and separated, or as more of a general "if you sin, you will go to hell when you die" (up to you to decide what the sin itself would be - an interpretation that would work with other songs on the playlist is that one such sin would be same sex attraction). then their hearts ceased, they never knew "peace", nor did they want to find it in death. their deaths were too soon, them being ripped away from life, but even though it would break his heart: charles would ask to do it all again.

the outro, i think, beautifully pulls it all together: heaven is not fit to house a love like theirs.

to wrap it all up:

jayden, what were you cooking in there? what do you know??

#please interact w me please please please i need dbd moots <3 #dbda #dead boy detectives #dead boy detective agency #paynland #payneland #painland #paineland #chedwin #charles rowland #edwin paine #edwin payne #dead boy detectives agency #dead boy detectives analysis #aough jayden your mind #my art #<- my umbrella trashcan tag

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miley1442111 · 3 days

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(part 6) choices on the court- a.donaldson

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a/n: this is kind of a bad and i hate it but i need to post it to make the next part make sense so sorry that it's awful the next part is actually good i promise :) i'm posting them together but like... it just makes sense in my head ok sorry :)

summary: the confrontation where you find out about a few things. (dw there are more parts after this :))

pairing: art donaldson x reader, patrick zweig x reader

warnings: angst, feelings of disappointment and depression, hurt, cheating, sexual content, etc. +

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Art felt like his world had been crashing down around him for months even though he was getting what he wanted. He had Tashi (despite their break-up that lasted a week), he was going pro, and he had all the deals and things he wanted. But he didn't have you. He felt like a lonely idiot, and he lost a lot of enjoyment for things. Tennis was a job, not a passion. Seeing you on the courts, watching you work was the highlight of his days, thank god he had the Nike deal.

But it nagged at him. You were fucking Patrick. You were fucking Patrick even though he'd know about his infidelity and not told you, just like Art hadn't. What was so special about Patrick?

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You stood on the court, Art on the other side.

“You’re fucking Patrick?” He tried to keep his tone even, but he knew he failed by the way you served the ball.

“Why do you care? You got Tashi, you got what you wanted,” you hit the ball back and forth with so much strength Art narrowly hit it back.

"I never said I have anything I want," He hit the ball back.

"So what do you want? Two girls at the same time?" you scoffed. "Just admit that you're contented with your life and move on, it's fine Art, I'm happy for you and Tashi just like you should be happy for me and Patrick."

"So you and Patrick are a 'thing' now?" Art missed the ball, then served it back to you with a ridiculous amount of force. The tension on the court was aplpable, certain words being punctuated by the slap of the ball against your rackets. You were both angry. Though, he had no right to be. He'd cheated on you. He's the asshole.

"Yeah, we are," you shrugged. "Just like you and Tashi are a thing."

“I don’t want Tashi! I never wanted Tashi!” He shouted back, dropping his racket and ultimately ending the game. “I wanted- I want you.”

“Then why did you fuck her?” you asked mockingly, laughing in his face. “Oh yeah, because you’re a fucking asshole who never cared about me!”

“I care about you!” He shouted back. “I care about you enough to tell you that Patrick isn’t good for you!”

“And how would you know that? At least he doesn’t cheat on me!”

“It’s not like he’s completely innocent either,” he scoffed. “He watched. He watched me fuck Tashi.”

Your heart broke for a third time. How could you be so stupid.

“What?” you asked, lowering your voice. You noticed Patrick out of the corner of your eye and Tashi entering from the other entrance. “Is that true? You three all knew and none of you told me?!”

There was silence on the court.

“Fucking answer me!” you screamed.

“Yeah. No one told you,” Tashi answered.

“Great. Y’know, keep me out of your weird fucking threesome bullshit from now on, please? It really shouldn’t be that fucking hard, considering you all seemingly hate each other. Just keep your heads out of your cocks, alright?” You shouted storming off the court.

There was a silence over the court for a few moments.

Then;

“Fuck you!” Art screamed.

“Oh fuck me? Fuck you!” Patrick laughed. “You broke her heart, all I did was break her fucking hymen!”

“Fuck both of you! You’re both assholes!” Tashi shouted from the bleachers.

The boys looked at each other. “Fuck us?” they said in unison.

“You’re the one who pitted us against each other for your attention, then made our careers about you,” Patrick commented.

“ Tashi, you’ve been awful to her. You tried to sabotage her biggest match,” Art mentioned.

“Fuck you,” they said in unison once again.

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Three months later…

“Hey,” You smiled, feeling giddy from the copious amounts of alcohol you’d consumed.

“Hey,” Art smiled back, just as drunk as you.

You’d gone back to your dorm. You’d kissed him. It felt good.

“I’m so sorry-” he tried to apologise for well… everything. But all you wanted was to have sex and pass out.

“Shush!” You hushed him and giggled, pulling off your t-shirt and bra. Art’s eyes widened, then he smirked. His lips latched onto yours as you undressed yourselves and landed on his bed. You laid back as Art took his time kissing you. Your lips, your face, your neck, your chest, your stomach, all the way down to your core.

“Art,” you moaned. “Please.”

The haziness of the alcohol was getting to him and he was beginning to feel much too tired, but he’d be damned if he let another chance with you pass him by. “What do you want, baby?”

“You,” you moaned breathlessly. “You.”

A sense of pride blossomed in Art's chest. You wanted him. You were with him. Here, he wasn't second best to Patrick, nor was he controlled by Tashi. He was with you. His dream girl. "You have me, baby."

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You’d felt so stupid when Art wasn’t there in the morning. Why did you trust him? Why did he do that?

Why, why why?

You two didn’t talk again. Well, not until about eleven years later.

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art donaldson masterlist :)

navigation for my blog :) (criminal minds, obx, the bear, marvel, top gun, the hunger games, challengers :)

people who asked to be tagged :)

@fkaams

@emily-b

@yourmommycallsmemommy

@hrtsj1m

@januarycolor

#art challengers #art donaldson x reader #art donaldson smut #art challenge #art donaldson #patrick zweig smut #patrick zweig x reader #patrick zweig #challengers movie #challengers 2024 #zendaya #tashi duncan

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bengiyo · 2 days

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I’ve just finished my rewatch of Go Ahead, a cdrama you will probably never watch because it’s het and mostly about family trauma. But it’s one of my all time favs and one of the best things about it is the strong found family theme—it’s essentially about three broken families and how they join together as one to support each other. It got me thinking about my fav found family narratives, and especially those that are explicitly queer, because there’s often added life or death stakes in those stories. What are your favorite found family stories in queer media?

This is an interesting question, and I think you qualified appropriately right away by bringing up the life or death stakes of this kind of narrative. I think I want to make a distinction between "finding your people" and "found family" because I think these things often get blurred in romance stories.

Favorite Queer Found Family Stories

For me, a good found family story has to be about the found family component of it. Romance can be a significant portion of the story, but the primary driving relationships need to be about the queers being each other's primary network. I think estrangement from your bio family is a critical component, because knowing you are all each other has is a big part of it.

POSE (2018-2021)

It's really impossible to establish what found family looks like without referring to a show about ballroom culture in NYC in the 90s. We were dying. We were being abandoned. The houses gave people a place to be and a sense of purpose. These kids called their leaders Mother for a reason. Every single queer character in this show was saved by another character in this show before going onto save another character in this show. No show has ever done it like POSE.

Despite their fighting and bickering, Elektra saved Blanca. Blanca would go on to form her own house and provide shelter and support for multiple kids. There is a desperation to queer found family for me that makes it so important. Pray Tell's final choices still resonate with me to this day.

Queer as Folk (2000-2005)

We remember all of the fucking in this show, but this is another show where the queers are their primary support network. Their families aren't really there for them. Justin is kicked out of the house and lives with Debbie for a while, and is nursed by his community after being bashed. Michael and Ben adopt Hunter. Brian donates for Lindsey and Melanie. Debbie housed Brian in the past. Emmett's family disowned him, so his friends are all he's got. The community rallies constantly to protect each other.

Part of what makes this show so special as found family, like with POSE, is how often these folks piss each other off and get into huge fights. They fall out repeatedly in this show over fundamental disagreements that are not easily solved. Some of those fights are ugly in a way only people who know you best can hurt you.

The Fosters (2013-2018)

There's no way I'm not including my favorite TV lesbians of all time raising all them kids on this post. These two public servants found each other, made the difficult choices to be together, and keep expanding their family with more fosters and adoptees over time because there's always more love to go around. This show tackled how important it is to be able to call people family, and what it means for that to be a choice over an obligation. These two always found a way to make it work for their complex family and gave a budding queer the space to grow and be a brat of a teenager after saving him from having the shit beaten out of him for wearing a dress.

Sense8 (2015-2018)

From the directors of The Matrix (1999) and the creator of Babylon 5 (1993-1998), few shows are as queer as Sense8. Eight strangers suddenly become connected to each other and cannot turn it off. Half of them are queer in some way, and it's about their adaptation to each other and looking out for each other as they're literally being hunted. This is one of my favorite sci-fi concepts of all time, and I love the way their relationships outside of their cluster play into their dynamics.

She Loves to Cook, and She Loves to Eat (2022- )

This is a recent favorite for this, particularly because of Season 2. In Season 1, we know that Nomoto puts a distance between herself and her family because of the pressure to become a wife. In season 2, we learn that Kasuga has severed ties with her family because of the expectation that she surrender her own life to take care of her family. When she tells Nomoto this, Nomoto gets angry on Kasuga's behalf and they decide to commit to living together. They are also building their community around them, and I better see everyone in their new apartment in season 3.

Gameboys 2 (2022)

So much of what's going wrong for Gav in this season is that he doesn't feel connected to the rest of his bio family after his grandmother passed, and he's desperately holding onto all of the friendships he has because he's so lonely. It's why he's still close with both of his exes (Pearl and Terrence), and why he won't let them go. Also, he's falling apart and Pearl is the one making sure his bills get paid on time.

The Shape of Water (2017)

Shout out to my man Doug Jones for always playing creatures that everyone is attracted to. The way this movie is so much about undesirables choosing to love each other and saving each other. Go watch it if you haven't. This film is not about a sexual awakening. It's about loving inside of a white capitalist structure.

Not Queer But Good

Shout outs for my faves. Some have queer characters in them, but aren't inherently or explicitly queer.

The Golden Girls (1985-1992)

No one did it like them. A bunch of aging women living together and making the most of their lives still resonates almost 40 years later.

Avatar: The Last Airbender (2005-2008)

All of these kids are estranged from their families, and are building out something that works over the course of the show.

The Good Place (2016-2020)

I really love that this is a show about people who didn't get it together in life getting it together in the afterlife because they decided to work together, and then to care about each other. When you're literally being tortured by devils, you're all you've got.

What Doesn't Fit?

This is where things can get a little bit wiggly, but why I want to draw a line on this. I think that shows about queer friendship are important, but I also think that there's a difference between "we are all we've got" and "these people are the most important to me." So we end up with shows like the following.

Noah's Arc (2005-2006)

I often call this the Black answer to Queer as Folk, but I don't think it had time to fully-develop the found family themes in a way that QaF did with its much-longer runtime. Noah and his friends are super codependent and absolutely there for each other, but I don't think the absence of their families is explicitly attributed to their queerness but rather a byproduct of the focus on their gay life dynamics in LA. I love this show dearly, but there isn't a desperation to this that belies the family angst necessary for found family.

For The Boys (2021)

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In many ways a spiritual successor to Noah's Arc, this show falls into the same place. The friend trio at the core of this is the most important relationship in their lives, but this show doesn't have the necessary found family angst.

What about QL?

For me, the biggest problem with doing found family in QL is that the primary genre is romance. These shows prioritize the way these relationships will turn romantic in a way that detracts from the found family component even when it's present. Also, because QL focuses so hard on coming of age plotlines, there's an element more of "finding your people" that supercedes any found family dynamics.

I Promised You the Moon (2021) is a good example of this. The primary drama of this show is about the romance between Teh and Oh-aew and the complications they face once they leave Phuket. Oh finds his people there and blossoms from it, but this is a story about how he and Teh can't get over each other.

As much as I love What Did You Eat Yesterday? (2019- ), the only real component of that is in Wataru's character. Kenji gets along with his mom and sisters, and Shiro is working on repairing the relationship with his family the entire time.

With Thai BL especially, I feel like they're big on friend groups, but not as big on found family. New Siwaj loves big friend groups that love each other, evinced by Love Sick (2014-2015), Make It Right (2016-2017), Until We Meet Again (2019), EN of Love (202), My Only 12% (2022), etc. He's done some great work in the space with queer friends, but not really queer found family.

Cheewin, a former collaborator of New's, also loves friend groups that have each other's backs. Probably his best example of that is Secret Crush On You (2022) with that friend quartet. The closest I think he came to found family was Uea in Bed Friend.

Another example that comes close is the unit that forms on their road trip in The End of the World With You (2023). I often think about this group of queers and the kid they adopted screaming to the heavens that they want to live.

Something I love, but which doesn't count for me is Our Dining Table (2023). There are powerful family dynamics here, but like in WDYEY they're adding Yutaka to their family and Yutaka reconciles with his adoptive family. I don't generally think that adding a romantic partner to your family counts as found family. Besides, Yutaka has a stable job and housing.

Final Thoughts

For me, the stakes are pretty high with queer found family, and it really needs to have a queer basis for me to feel strongly about it. Going back to their bio family is not an option, and often times the terms we use for traditional relationships don't always fit properly (yet another reason why Unknown got so much right). I don't think it's queer found family when they're students in college whose families just aren't around because they're paying for their kids to go to school. Finding your queer community as an adult is a huge part of growing up, but a queer found family is there for the really ugly and desperate parts of existence that your friends might not see.

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fake-married-my-dead-fiance · 3 days

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I think one of the things that really worked with Lovely Runner is that the drama was so focused on the main characters. An ensemble drama is wonderful, but if it's going to be a couple-focused romance, then the other story lines need to serve the main plot instead of feeling like filler or a distraction. And this drama pulled it off!

The friend and brother show people making the choice to be in love despite their circumstances and not regretting it, just like Sun-jae. They also showed that Im Sol cannot change what is decided by people's own will:

The parents show people catching the same emotions in every timeline (enemies to reluctant friends for them) They also provide obstacles for the leads to overcome:

Tae-sung shows that Im Sol cares about people even if she has nothing to gain from them. He is also a rival for Sun-jae. Sol saves him from going the wrong way in high school and he saves her and Sun-jae from the kidnapper:

And if course, In-hyuk existed to help Sun-jae be a loser and give him bad advice:

Also, the kidnapper wasn't dwelt on too much (Uncanny Counter had this problem, too much demon backstory), he was just a fate moving towards Sol & Sun-jae. And we don't need to feel that sorry for him because he made the same bad decision in every timeline.

So many dramas get bogged down by side characters or irrelevant story lines in the last few episodes, but not this one! Everything basically stayed focused on the main story and every minor story aided the main story. Im Sol was trying to save all of them. Cohesion!

(one of the worst examples of this done poorly is Strong Woman Bong-soon. The villain got way too much screen time, the side stories were mostly irrelevant to the main plot, and there was so much useless filler, especially towards the end.)

#lovely runner #not done gushing about it yet #I was almost never bored #and that is great!#and no bad episode 9 #everything was good #it got better over time in fact #spoilers #ep 16

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midnight-in-town · 3 days

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Hello! Been following your blog for years now and your insights on Kuroshitsuji have never failed to enhance my enjoyment of the series! I have a bunch of questions and theories that I've collected from here and there that I'd love to get your take on:

1) What exactly is this game that Ciel and Seb are playing against each other? Ciel successfully tamed the demon, alright, but what is Seb doing besides making sure that Ciel sticks to the contract (which is completely within his rights)?

2) About the possibility that, by devouring R!Ciel's soul, Sebastian not only knows that he's involved in the phantomhive raid but also who the mastermind is (providing that the mastermind and r!ciel interacted directly). This can be backed by the fact that Seb knew from the get-go that O!Ciel was the younger brother, that he has been "humiliated", also how Seb reconstcted the manor to be an exact replica of what it was without prior knowledge.

3) About Sebastian's lack of inquisitiveness when John Brown appeared out of thin air in the GW arc and how he was unaffected by the "curse". Is it perhaps related to point number 2?

Hey Anon ! Thank you for reading and for the kind words ! (˶◕‿◕˶✿)

About your first question, Ciel and Seb have actually been playing a chess match since ch138.

Sure, Ciel can believe in the 3 "wishes" he made when they were bound 4 years ago, but not in much else, as the Green Witch arc confirmed.

Meanwhile Seb is having fun playing the perfect butler our!Ciel wishes him to act as, while he waits for Ciel to find the targets of his revenge, but he's also terribly unforgiving if our!Ciel strays from their contract, because he's hungry.

That's why it's such an interesting dynamic. To quote this post : "Kuroshitsuji wouldn’t be as compelling and enjoyable as a story if our!Ciel’s lack of self-worth and faith wasn’t supported by Seb acting as a catalystic abyss."

It's also interesting because I believe that the big bad is another human/demon duo that have been bound for a much longer time and that probably "works" in a very different way, considering that Victoria may not have "tamed" John Brown the same way (if at all) :

Speaking of which, this is probably also why, to directly answer your third question, Seb barely reacted when Brown showed up in Germany, despite the poisonous gas in the forest.

The thing is, I wouldn't be surprised to find out that Seb and Brown recognize each other as demons, but have no reason to fight and get in each other’s way, as long as their respective masters don't order it.

In the words of Jane, whom I believe is John, when Mey offered her to work at the household, I think demons might see each other as “coworkers”...

After all, nothing is more important for demons than having a good meal so, as long as their contracts assure them delicious souls, Seb and Brown will work on "cultivating" the souls they're bound to eat. To quote Seb himself :

All that to say, I do believe that Jane/John is the type of greedy and gluttonous demons that Seb finds not elegant (from ch138) whereas Jane/John seems him as troublesome, since Ciel and Victoria are building to become enemies.

Lastly, this on-going distrustful chess game between Ciel and Seb will probably at some point lead our!Ciel to reconsider whether or not losing his future, life and soul for revenge is truly something he wants, thus leading to a possible conflict arising between Seb and Ciel (similar to what happened when Ciel had PTSD during the Green Witch arc), since the story thematically presents revenge as the wrong choice to make (or, rather, as the choice to make for the wrong reasons).

That's all part of why their dynamic is such a compelling plot point, in my opinion. :)

Finally, about your second question, no one really knows if this scene...

...meant that Seb devoured real!Ciel's soul 4 years ago. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Some fans say yes, some fans say no, I think it's definitely left ambiguous by Yana, but it could also just be that real!Ciel's soul was cursed to rot in Hell forever. I don't know, Yana doesn't give us enough about demonology lore in the series to be sure for now.

Either way, I don't think it matters that much. Maybe it can explain things such as how Seb rebuilt the manor as an exact replica from before the massacre, but I don't think it means Seb knows who the targets of Ciel's revenge are.

And even if it did, the contract vouches that Ciel finds out the truth by himself...

...so again, the only guarantee we have from Seb's words is 1) that real!Ciel has no soul and 2) that, unlike most people who die, the Shinigamis probably didn't collect it when he was killed, because it was used/eaten as "fee for Seb's crossing" (unlike our!Ciel who still has a soul, but a doomed one, bound by a contract as payment to a demon).

Finally, real!Ciel's soul not being collected by the Shinigamis, but being eaten by Seb or rotting in Hell, will probably become relevant once we figure out what the BD project is currently trying to pull…

…with the “shape of the soul” new concept.

I hope it answered your questions ? Thank you again for your nice words ! I wish you a nice day, Anon. :))

#kuroshitsuji #sebastian michaelis #ciel phantomhive #queen victoria #john brown #2CT #kuro138 #kuroshitsuji theory #anon #answers #my analysis

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amber-of-ember-glows · 3 days

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Title: Somewhere between Then, Now, and When

Merlin loses Arthur twice. Each time is more painful than the other in its unique devastation. Once, on a plain by Avalon, when the world had come to a standstill as Arthur’s heart ceased its rhythm. Then, centuries later, it happens again. Merlin doesn’t realize it until he meets a man with fair hair and blue eyes and thinks, that man looks like Arthur. Days later, he comes across another man fitting the same criteria and again thinks, that man looks like Arthur, too. It doesn’t occur to him until later that the two men look nothing alike and cannot both resemble Arthur in any logical manner. On paper, in written and verbal depictions, they could very well look like Arthur—blond, blue eyes, sharp features—but the stark differences between the two strangers clash in ways that make it impossible for both to resemble Arthur.

Feeling sick to his stomach, Merlin realizes that his memory of Arthur has faded. The feelings of love, loss, and grief still thrum through him, but the image of Arthur has blurred. Tears burn behind his eyes as he tries to uncover memories that are out of his reach. That night, his dreams are plagued by his first life—the most important one. The one that urges him to move forward even when he can find no reason to do so, that has him clinging with all his might to the words Kilgarrah left him with, holding onto hope because it is all he has left.

As if to further torment him, he dreams of everything in perfect clarity. He experiences anew the warmth of Gwen’s smile, the care of Gaius’ gaze, and Gwaine’s hearty laugh. He sees the sturdy castle walls that used to house him, the parapets, the Citadel square, and the statues in it, the familiar forest surrounding Camelot. Everything comes to him in clear detail. Everything except for Arthur. In his dreams, the shape of Arthur in his crown and Pendragon-red cloak stands in stark contrast to the blur of his face, ever-shifting features that refuse to settle and let the image of him sharpen so that Merlin may see him properly.

He wakes feeling worse than he has in a long time, if ever. When Merlin lost Arthur the first time, when he died, he knew what he had lost, was haunted by the image of Arthur, heard and felt him so clearly that for a time he believed that Arthur’s ghost lingered on this plane, that he had been with him even in the aftermath of his death. Facing reality and acknowledging that his grief was making him see and believe things that weren’t so had been debilitating, bedridden him for days. He stopped sleeping because his dream-self had not caught on to the fact that Arthur was gone, and every morning upon waking, he was forced to feel the loss again, had no choice but to agonizingly remember once more that Arthur had drawn his last breath, had eaten his last meal, had shed his last tear and smiled his last smile. All before he had made it to the age of thirty.

Every day, Merlin faced how long a life was ahead of him in the bereavement of Arthur. Every day, he forced himself not to wish for Albion’s downfall just so Arthur would have a reason to return to him. Every day, he was haunted and blessed by Arthur’s face and voice. He never imagined there would come a day that he would have to live without even the memory of those. He feels cold and hollow in their absence, nothing more than a shell of a man. Despite the emptiness, he feels too big for his skin, his body too tightly wound around him, his lungs clambering for air in their tight confinements. You forgot him! a voice in his head throws at him, accusatorily. The truth of it cuts him open, brands him with unfamiliar guilt so unlike any he has ever dealt with—and he has dealt with plenty—that it threatens to undo him. But like with everything else, he learns how to live with it, learns how to carry that added weight wherever he goes, soothes himself with the fact that even though he does not remember every dip and peak of Arthur's face, cannot recall the finer details of it, he still loves Arthur dearly, would still do whatever it takes for him. And that will have to be enough. For now.

#merthur #merlin emrys #arthur pendragon #bbc merlin #idek

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alekthefox · 2 days

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Which Domino Falls First?

Golden Ratio/Aventio/Ratiorine/Dr. Ratio x Aventurine

Tags: fluff, hurt/comfort, they both need a hug, past trauma(Aventurine), insecure Ratio (trust me), pining, resolved emotional anguish (not completely gone, that takes time to heal), Post-Penacony, suicidal Aventurine, Ratio SIMPING SO HARD, author is crying.

Aventurine awoke, alive. Anyone else would call it a miracle. Aventurine would call it a last minute choice. The note from the good doctor... It made his mind spin in spirographs. Ave was aware of the "mutual respect" they had, and Ratio never strayed from the rocky road Aventurine paved for them all. Yet this simple, short note had given him... "hope" if he can call it that. It was difficult to believe the kindness. Not because the good doctor is incapable of it, far from the truth, but simply due to the fact that the message was aimed at Aventurine.

He emerged from the dream pool, hearing commotion out in the halls. Yet he stood over the doctor's advice, eyes tracing each word, trying to decipher the meaning. It didn't make sense in the slightest. The first part about Death and Dormancy did, unsurprising that his doctor-- his? No. It was unsurprising that the doctor figured it out. Maybe he knew from the start, just how Ave knew death wasn't real in the beautiful dream. Dr. Ratio would never solve an equation for a student of his, he'd give guidance. The second part however... It was so sincere it hurt. In a moment of impulse he felt the need to destroy it. Yet he didn't. Still, he wasn't going to fall for the bait. Aventurine is an investment, a tool, not a person someone could care for. If someone, even the doctor, would make that mistake... Aventurine would let them have a taste but no more. Just enough to satisfy them, just a little bit of honey in their tea. Once that itch is scratched people often move on.

Aventurine's flirting wouldn't be out of character by any means, however now it wouldn't be for fun and the act... Now it would be a shield meant to crack slightly before shoving the... 'friend' away.

Veritas waited, pacing the room. He did everything as he was told, however much it pained him to see that damned gambler tear himself apart. And, oh Aeons, did it hurt. He shunned himself with every clouded thought. The gambler would never settle for him. Him, a man who cannot grasp the one goal he has. He is no genius. Despite the hard work, the Aeon didn't spare him a glance. Why should Aventurine? The gambler needed someone who could steer him away from the danger and Veritas had failed time and time again. He could have deviated, however that would either doom the gambler or... knowing him, anyways go to his advantage. Aventurine's mind was vast despite the lack of proper education, and by no means a void. It was frustrating, it was beautiful. No matter what Ratio did he would have seen it coming, surely. "Luck" he called it. Yet another lie. No, not a lie... a careful misdirection.

His act was nearly flawless. The way he seemed deeply hurt at the 'betrayal', how he toyed with Sunday and everyone else... Aventurine wasn't a player, no, he was the game master. The players had input, yes, but Aventurine was dictating the pace, secrets, clues, the when and the where.

Nearly flawless. The only thing the gambler didn't take into account was Veritas being aware of the hurt behind his confidence. Yes, he was told the plan, but even as it was explained to him Aventurine was acting. A never-ending layer after layer of masks. But Veritas saw through it all. Aventurine was scared. Terrified even. He longed for that death yet never managed to fail at fleeing from it. But it wasn't just fear behind those pretty eyes. It was resentment for himself and others, it was vengeful, hurt. Veritas understood all of those far too well. Yet he couldn't resent himself for... wanting to hold him. Though that would never happen in honesty. It was clear. If Ratio were to pursue him, Ave would allow it and think of him as nothing more than another person who wants to use him. Yet he longs for those eyes to look at him with anything but faux emotions.

"Doctor~"

Ratio stopped his pacing and turned abruptly, looking him over where he stood in the doorframe. A peculiar sight it was. Ratio was extremely relieved and glad, but one thing struck him as odd. Aventurine didn't walk into the room fully and close the door. He used the public's eye as a shield. Therefore the doctor didn't dare approach him.

"You survived afterall."

"All thanks to my friends, including you, dear doctor."

The tone of his voice was the same as always. Ratio prayed to every Aeon that perhaps this Penacony situation might change him even in the slightest for the better. Once he saw he'd learned nothing, but still felt those eyes draw him in, that is when he hated both of them. Mostly himself. Aventurine was a victim afterall, a willing victim, but one nevertheless. He couldn't blame him as much. It was still disappointing.

"Doctor, don't tell me you didn't bet on me! Your face seems displeased. I thought you'd be happy to see me~"

Now he didn't understand him. After everything, he hadn't learned... although change takes time. Another thing didn't make sense. He turned his head away, eyes unfocusing. Why did Aventurine come find him in the first place? What did he want now that the job was done? Did the note actually have an effect on him? And if so why is he playing the same role as before?

"Ratio, are you alright?"

His head turned at an incredible speed, eyes wide. Ratio knew he was silent in thought for too long, as he does when solving a particularly difficult problem, but for the gambler to sound so raw and even use anything other than 'doctor'...

"Yes. I assume you read my advice."

"It was quite helpful indeed! I knew I could count on you, Doc. But don't let it get to your head~"

And there it was again.

"Will you stop that? It's infuriating."

"What ever could you mean?"

"Do you really take me for a fool?"

It hurt deep inside his chest, just like failing a student for the first time. Ratio was ruthless with his grading yet always hoped it would push the student to try harder. It was only fair to offer the gambler the same treatment.

Aventurine couldn't believe his own blunder. He was not one to make such a significant mistake. 'Ratio, are you alright?' So incredibly idiotic. His walls were built anew. Who was to fall first?

"Well~" Aventurine swallowed the unease and took a step in, closing the door without turning his back to him as if Veritas would pounce the moment he did.

"Well what?"

"I know what you want from me, doctor~ It was obvious from the very start. I waited patiently for you. Don't I deserve a reward?"

"And what is it you think I want from you?"

Aventurine swallowed hard as he approached him and placed a hand on his chest. He didn't expect his wrist to be grabbed and yanked to the side. Did he misunderstand? No, surely not. Ave got closer still, looking up at him, flashing his eyes.

"Don't you want to thoroughly examine the sweetness of the last avgin? Isn't it tempting?"

"Your hypothesis is incorrect, zero points."

"You grade me before I've tested it? It hurts~"

Ratio sighed in frustration, trying not to yell some sense into him.

"No, you know what truly hurts? Watching you strap bombs to yourself and eagerly walking alone, waiting to be blown apart."

"So you do care~"

"More than rationally reasonable."

That's it. Veritas fell first, setting off the entire line of dominos. But Aventurine was never in that line, he was the hand to push him. Ave watched the fury in his eyes. How delightful. If he can make the doctor hate him, that will be an easier victory. Before Aventurine could answer Ratio continued.

"I am fully aware you do not want me so spare us both the trouble. Either you will be honest with me or you will walk out and close that door," they both know Veritas would leave it slightly ajar, "and the choice is yours alone."

Despite the disgust in his gut, he did want him. That feeling was out of anxiety that Ratio will be just like everyone else. Aventurine didn't drop his faux happy before getting on his toes to kiss him. But Veritas let go of his wrist and took a single step back. Ave barely managed not to stumble. Ratio couldn't hide his irritation.

"I will not allow you to make a fool of me any longer. Make your choice, gambler. Leave and continue playing games... or stay and fold."

Aventurine thought he understood at least slightly. Now though Ratio's grading was deserved. What did he want then? He laid down an all-or-nothing bet, showing all of his cards, but what he wanted Aventurine to bet in return was unknown to him.

"You want honesty? That's all? You're a terrible businessman."

"I already know your past, for the record. What I want to know is who you really are, not who you used to be or pretend to be. Your mind is on the level of a genius. Something I cannot achieve or even begin to translate."

The praises didn't feel empty. Why? Flattery never affected him. They were always hollow words, sweet nothings. Veritas was far too honest. His shield cracked slightly and now was the time to push him away. He couldn't. Why? Why couldn't he?

"Who are you?"

"A hopeless man."

Hopeless. That is something they shared until recently. Until the reverse suicide note written for him.

"And what if I'm honest and you hate me?"

"I doubt that's a possibility."

"But you do not deny it."

"I don't fear the unknown, I long for it."

Kakavasha bit his lip, bruising it. Not in an attractive, playful way. It was to remind himself this wasn't a fabricated dream bubble. He longs to know him? Not to touch him, not to be touched, not to use him? How could anyone want that?

Now that Kakavasha missed the opening to push him away that would not shatter himself... he let the tears flow. The bitter tears that he's held in his entire life. He covered his mouth and crumbled to the ground, choking on sobs. He didn't know what to expect but all the same Veritas' arms hovering around him, asking for permission wordlessly... they terrified him. Kakavasha was the one to pounce, throwing himself into the good doctor's arms, the good doctor. Those arms made him feel more safe than his Aeon's shield ever did. He couldn't believe himself. His hands clutched at whatever fabric he could reach.

Veritas held him firmly. Ave may be hurt, but he was not fragile. He wasn't a flower wilting. He was a grand temple of Preservation, enduring more than many could, standing tall despite the cracks. So many years he stood, a pillar of endurance. And even so near the ground, seeking comfort desperately, he was still standing.

He learned.

Kakavasha didn't stop sobbing until he passed out in his arms, tears staining Veritas' clothes. He carried him into the bed, Ratio's bed, and walked away. Or rather he would have until he hear that pained, soft voice.

"Don't leave me, please, Veritas."

Ratio had no doubts in his mind. He held Kakavasha, both in the same bed, no intentions from either of anything sinful. Unless holding each other was sinful. Then they both were to suffer together.

Curssed be the Aeon who rejected him, for someone higher than THEM had chosen him. If Veritas could have taught Kakavasha that he can be cared for, that he is not unwanted... that would make all his efforts worth the torment. The tossing and turning. The sleepless studies. Everything. Because he saved a life and he improved it. If only slightly. Yet Veritas doesn't expect a PhD, a reward, compensation. Simply the fact that Kakavasha could continue on with these facts is enough. And if those eyes ever look at him with honesty, whatever the emotion, it would feed his starving heart. He is willing to wait a lifetime even if it never comes.

Veritas was fully aware that this wasn't all that Kakavasha was. He wasn't just a victim, just hurt, just his past. He looked forwards to witnessing all of him if he would allow it.

As Veritas felt Kakavasha's breath stabilise and slow, his tense body relax in his arms... His mind was clear.

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angelisgonnastartchangingurls · 2 days

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julia

julia and jim officially broke up a week or so before casey got pregnant. julia had attempted suicide at home and was being institutionalized. annie felt sick about it, but also felt afraid to act. on some level, she worried that whatever was wrong with julia was also wrong with her, but just manifesting differently. annie had chosen sex and party drugs to medicate her illness and julia had chosen pills.

so instead of visiting julia right away, annie spent a week at jim's apartment screwing him constantly. every time a male friend texted jim to see how he was doing, he'd tell them annie was there to look after him, and send them a picture of her naked in his apartment. several of them were bold enough to ask if they could come over, and so annie would take them both. several of them had wedding rings. she liked that. the married ones praised her currently quite hairy pussy, and so she thought about their blonde, shaved wives at home.

after annie's week at jim's, jenny showed up to take her place in every sense of the word. jim sent annie pics of jenny's perfect landing strip covered in his cum.

annie began to find comfort in her relationship with tom, which was in a very normal place. alicia was living on her own again, and so annie and tom were very domestic. they went on dates, they fucked, they sent nudes, and annie stayed at tom's on the weekends. on their weeknight dates, annie would typically try to have sex before so she could go home at the end. she was learning to enjoy her empty apartment again. she liked getting high by herself and watching movies and then taking a bath. she kept her apartment and her body excessively clean, now trimming her bush down to almost nothing but not shaving anything on top. she liked the look of that. casual but very slutty. at home, her uniform was typically a white tank top and white panties, so she was popular with the pizza delivery guy.

she realized at some point that this was very similar to her mother - her pubic hair, her clothing choices. despite almost never seeing each other and never really speaking, annie and her mom were now prolific texters, updating each other about their day -- particularly about sex, but other things too.

after jenny's week with jim, casey and robbie spent a lot of time with him. by now everybody knew casey was pregnant. jim told annie it made fucking her even hotter. annie tried not to let the idea of casey's young, pregnant pussy make her crazy. robbie told her casey was already sending her dad mirror pics of herself in her underwear for "baby bump progress" even though it was almost nonexistent.

annie couldn't bring herself to talk about babies with tom for fear that he would discourage it -- she'd made dirty "breeding" comments with him earlier in their relationship, but it felt more real now. but with sean, she was always begging him to creampie him, telling him to fuck a baby into her. it was still a fantasy -- annie wasn't on birth control but always made sure to pull sean out when she knew she was ovulating or close to it.

casey very openly fetishized her pregnancy. when she announced her pregnancy on instagram, she captioned it: "i've been dreaming of this ever since the first time i begged robbie to cum inside me, ten minutes after we met. i love you robbie, i'm so glad i have never even imagined your cock with a condom on it. can't wait to keep calling you daddy."

annie finally visited julia about a month into her time at a "retreat" in the country. julia seemed happy. she was tan, and wore white, loose clothes and seemed mostly capable of carrying on a conversation. she had kind of a wall up, but annie couldn't be sure if that was julia or the medication she was on. she didn't ask annie about jim at all.

annie went on a date with tom that night and told him about it.

"what makes you think you have that kind of mental instability?" he asked.

"i guess because in college there were no warning signs. and because i do a lot of drugs and i don't know what they're doing to my brain."

"well," tom said, "stop doing drugs."

"you don't think i'd be less fun?"

"i think you're just as fun when you're not high."

"what if i get less horny?"

"i don't think you're capable of being less horny."

annie made an effort, over the next few weeks, to get high less often. she stopped doing anything but smoking weed when home alone, and limited alcohol when she was doing coke and vice versa. she'd gone through periods of relative sobriety before, but felt more intentional about this. when she felt discouraged or antsy, she reminded herself that she was more breedable this way.

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carminavulcana · 2 days

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The Man In The Mirror

Written for the prompt 'Varadha X Mirror'

There was something almost otherworldly about the last prahara of the night in Khansaar. The beginnings of dawn peeked through the folds of the crumpling fabric of the night. The world’s unease tossed and turned as if in the throes of a nightmare. But the first light in the distant horizon was a silent beckoning to awakening. The nightmare must always end. The motions of living must always begin.

Varadha never needed an alarm clock to wake up. The rays of the sun streamed in through his windows to greet him with a cool, comforting warmth each morning. It was the one thing that was constant about Khansaar. It was also the only thing about Khansaar that he enjoyed rather than endured.

As the day progressed, the light slowly turned into a flare of fire, raining hell upon the land. And yet, the tribes of Khansaar fought over it, bled for it, and turned on their own for the perverse pleasure of gashing the land into as many bloodied strips as they could.

Their prize? The pride of one of their own.

Varadha took his time getting dressed each morning. He didn’t like wearing colors other than black. There was a certain degree of security in the opaque coldness of the dark end of the spectrum of hues. And Varadha, his own master, his own protector, and for all practical purposes, his own salaar, needed the oppressive, heat-absorbing black to fortify his defences— to guard himself from those around him who sought his destruction and those who still wanted to tear his heart open and check if it indeed pumped only venom as they suspected it did. How would it be then, he mused, that if they were to someday open his heart, they would find inside it a mausoleum— the place where he had buried Deva, despite the promise he made even as he left the land of his birth forever

Mausoleums were rarely to be visited. They weren’t good for one’s mental health. Pity, Varadha didn’t have the luxury of choice. But still, he was grateful for the mercy of not having to see it. His skin and sinew took care of that.

As he faced the mirror to get dressed for the day, his mind retreated to a blank space; which was just as well, because there was little else to think about but the carnage that had ripped apart Pathran. And with it, a significant chunk of Varadha’s faith in himself.

He tightened the belt around his waist before pulling over the kurta. Routine though the process was, he was meticulous about it each day. For never would he take the dignity of his appearance for granted. He combed his hair back. He applied the kohl to the undersides of his lower eyelids. He wore his shoes, first the left one, followed by the right one.

At last, he opened his drawer for the most precious part of this daily ritual. The nose ring. That coveted symbol of his lineage and royal birth that Rudra so desperately wanted to take from him.

To Varadha, though, it was so much more.

He didn’t lack Mannar pride. He didn’t lack the fire that coursed through the veins of all Khansaari warriors. He didn’t lack the thirst for power.

But he lacked the cruelty of the men who called the shots.

And how could he not? His earliest memories were of camaraderie beyond the bonds of kinship. His first lessons in human nature had been of unconditional love, unflinching loyalty, and unparalleled bravery in the face of unsurmountable odds.

His first brush with himself had been knowing that Deva would come to define him in life and in death.

With trembling hands, Varadha looked himself in the eye and adorned his septum with the precious silver ornament, its weight familiar and reassuring.

Without it, he felt incomplete, lesser somehow.

But his reason was not the same as Rudra’s.

Outwardly, this septum ring was what marked him as his father’s son. But his soul knew that in reality, it marked him as the chosen of Deva’s devotion.

The mirror only affirmed what he knew. But seeing it all the same was Varadha’s way of drawing strength from his slowly diminishing well of will.

Today, however, he would prevail.

Tomorrow would be another day.

If you enjoyed this story, please do let me know what you thought of it! Thank You!

#salaar #Salaar fanfic #Varadeva

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