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#and i really wish i wasn't still reminded of things from the past. i hate getting anxious over things from high school or college
soul-spoken · 23 days
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I vent or breakdown so often, I know I get told it's fine and talk when I need to but geez it feels so excessive, like I'm overly sensitive or just really really easily triggered over things that shouldn't even relate to my trauma
We come to solutions or we distract from it, or we cuddle, but it's just always there.
I can almost always feel the dumb anxiety or depression feelings, I don't want to
I wish my brain understood that
#im tired of only feeling safe when im overly babied and small. i know at this current time point certain traumas are still really fresh#and i need to let myself acknowledge that and relax and maybe be taken care of on a higher level but#i feel so clingy and embarrassed#and i really wish i wasn't still reminded of things from the past. i hate getting anxious over things from high school or college#that doesn't matter anymore#i don't wanna be so vulnerable and scared all the time#but i think i need to#i just want to be held. feel skin to skin. get kissed and called sweet names#i wanna feel his nails through my hair. hear that hushed voice he does when being soft. i wanna be closer#i wanna be safe and told its not scary. its not bad. instead of how we've been going about things..#cant i just feel secluded and loved? feel protected and small#i wanna be told that my ptsd is a normal reaction and that i dont have to be like i was before. i can take a while to gather myself#to mourn and exist. to just.. be#be however my brain is needing to be in order to relax#i wanna be intimate and romantic and loving and gentle#i feel so guilty over these wants and needs#i wish i didn't have them. i wish i understood that its safe to have them.#i wish i was different#i wish i was me. but me before#when i was stable and felt nice and independent but i still had little moments of softness and needing help. i miss my early early twenties#but. i also miss the feeling of being held tight by him and told nothing could hurt me anymore. that he was gonna keep the bad away#like middle school. keeping the mean kids away#i love him. i want to feel loved#i am loved. i don't doubt that. but i wish i could capture every soft second and live in it forever#and i feel so guilty#trav.txt
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declareqenius · 2 months
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all the ashes in my wake
summary: part two of "some would sing and some would scream". wanda and natasha have several heated conversations while they wait for you to wake up. it's been days and both of them miss hearing your voice, and they know the last thing you would want to see is them fighting, but wanda can't help tearing into natasha for everything that happened. natasha's guilt eats away at her.
warnings: mentions of the violence in pt 1, coma
a/n: guys i really just wanted to get this one out. i haven't read through it/edited it so any mistakes are... well, mistakes. but hey! we get wanda in this one! i feel like i could have gone a little darker as far as wandanat are concerned, but we do what we can! i hope you enjoy!
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The infirmary room is cold and sterile and a heaviness settles over the exhausted woman. Wanda keeps hold of your hand as if letting it go means that you'll slip away for good. She's careful of the IV stuck in the back of your hand giving you fluids. In a way, it serves as a reminder that blood still flows through your veins and your heart still beats, and that even though your bright smile and musical laugh don't fill the room, you're still alive.
Wanda brushes a stray strand of hair behind your ear. She doesn't know how many times she has done that in the past three days, but the gesture comforts her. Tucking your hair behind your ear so she can see your beautiful face better and looking into your sparkling eyes is one of her favorite things to do. Your gaze holds so much love and adoration and it always makes her wish she would never have to live without it.
Your eyes are closed now.
Wanda hates every second of it.
Bruce said that even if you don't respond that you can still hear everything. Wanda trusts that he's telling the truth and it wasn't something he said just to make her feel better.
So she talks to you. About anything and everything she can think of. Your favorite TV show that is on the air right now or the book that you recommended and she finally read. How much she loves you and how she can't wait for you to wake up. How sorry she is that she wasn't there sooner. She makes promises that she intends to uphold. Ones about revenge and torture and everything you would hate and tell her not to worry about were you conscious. Wanda smiles at the thought. She won't listen, though. The Celestials hurt her family. Hurt the love of her life. She can't let that go unanswered for.
Right now, though, you are her priority.
The door handle clicks and Wanda doesn't need to look up. She knows it's Natasha coming back from telling Steve and Yelena what happened. Can feel the exhaustion and guilt dripping from her without having to so much as glance in her direction.
"Wands-"
"I don't want to talk to you right now, Natalia. Sit."
Wanda nods to the unoccupied chair on the other side of the bed without taking her eyes off of you. She's being harsh and she knows it. Natasha was there with you. Right by your side. Made to watch as the leader of their enemies hurt you in the most sloppily calculated way. She was powerless against Najma and Wanda knows this, but all rationality left her when she burst into the cell and laid eyes on your bleeding body, slumped over, barely an ounce of life in you, and her anger nearly consumed her.
She almost leveled the entire block.
The only thing that stopped her was Natasha, carrying you in her arms, reminding her that time was scarce.
So yes, perhaps she is being too harsh with her wife, but somehow you had become their entire lives. Their reason for being. Neither of them would know what to do without you, and they came very close to losing you under Natasha's watch.
They will be okay eventually. They survived many fights and many arguments before you came along.
Tears form in Wanda's eyes.
"Yelena is wondering when she'll be able to see Y/N." Natasha's voice breaks the silence. It's rough and scratchy.
"After she wakes up."
Four words and Wanda can feel how they form on her tongue. Her Sokovian accent is thick with her anger and distress despite the words being spoken soft and firm.
"Wanda," Natasha starts to protest but the finality in her wife's tone makes her go quite.
"Nat."
It's then that Wanda decides to look up at Natasha. Decides to let her wife see her and every emotion that makes its way onto her face and every thought that swirls around in her mind.
Natasha pauses for a moment, taken aback by everything she sees her wife going through. The made-up scenarios. The what-ifs. She knows because she went through every last one of them when she was in that cell with you. To see the same thoughts cluttering Wanda's mind, well, it only makes her guilt worse.
She clears her throat, "Yelena is her best friend."
It comes out as more of a fact than an argument.
At that, Wanda turns her attention back to you, "I don't want anyone except for us and Bruce to see her like this. They don't need to."
"They want to know that she's okay, Wands."
"Tell them that she is. That she will be. That's all they need to know for right now. They need to focus on getting the jump on Najma and the Celestials. Our focus is Y/N. I think our family is capable enough to come up with a plan by themselves, don't you?"
Wanda's calmness is starting to make Natasha uncomfortable and she shifts in her chair. She refuses to touch you, though, afraid of what might happen if she did. Would your body crumble under her fingertips? If you were conscious would your body recoil at her touch? For letting you get hurt. For not protecting you like she should have.
Suddenly streams of tears silently make their way down Natasha's cheeks.
"I'm sorry I let this happen."
Wanda's eyes meet hers again and Natasha feels like she can breathe a little easier. It isn't perfect and she guesses it won't be perfect for a long time, but time will help. The fear will linger within both of them because Natasha knows Wanda almost as well as she knows herself, and she knows that neither of them will be letting you out of their sight for a while after you wake up. Until Najma is taken care of, at least.
Wanda tilts her head as she tries to get a better read on Natasha without using her powers. Even if they would help in the moment she has rules for herself: never on Natasha and never on you.
"They caught you off guard. It is a hard position to be in, radnaja."
Darling. The pet name helps Natasha relax a little more, but her hands stay folded in her lap.
"We needed- I needed to protect her better. We promised to keep her safe and I couldn't do that, Wands. I failed her and I disappointed you and... and what if she decides to leave when she wakes up? I would be the reason we came so close to losing her... and then to actually lose her? I don't know if we could survive it."
"Nat... Y/N loves us with everything she is. Just as we love her. I need you to be confident in that."
Natasha wants to scoff but instead she fidgets with her hands, "Confident? In what, Wanda? That she'll wake up and we'll pretend everything is fine and that we're not the reason she almost fucking died?! That the two people she loves most in the world couldn't protect her like they promised they would? I was powerless Wanda! I couldn't stop them! I-" Natasha's tears flow freely and although the tension in the room is building, she feels safe enough to let herself go in the presence of her wife, "I couldn't save her!"
"Natalia Romanova-Maximoff!" Wanda stands for the first time in hours but she does not drop your hand. It's the only thing grounding her right now. "This is not entirely your fault, radnaja. Maybe if you would have kicked and punched more when they took you then we would be in a different position. Maybe if you had given Najma the answers she was looking for then Y/N wouldn't have been injured as badly as she is but these are all what-ifs, Natasha! What if I had been there with her instead? What if I had been with both of you that night? What if I would have gotten to you sooner? What if she had died!"
Finally, the question that has been on both of their minds since Bruce had walked into the meeting room with your blood all over his neatly ironed button up and jeans- he didn't have time to even think about putting his lab coat on- and told them that you would eventually be okay.
"I have been asking myself that question every day for the past three days," Wanda finishes, salt on her tongue, nose red, and her scarlet hoodie stained with tears.
Natasha cannot find it within herself to tell her wife the new information Bruce gave her in the meeting. While he operated and stitched until he could barely stand any longer; you flatlined once. Your heart decided to give up for a minute and Natasha hasn't had the proper amount of time to process something like that, but the time would never come for Wanda to be able to process the reality of such a thing.
Both women stare down at you with puffy eyes and red noses. You are the most precious thing in the world to them. They hate seeing you so lifeless, and the only wave of hope keeping them afloat is your steady breaths.
The fight has left both of them, but an air of tension remains. They are nowhere near finished with their conversation. With taking their frustrations out. Hopefully they'll have everything figured out before you wake up. Natasha knows how much you hate playing peacemaker when they actually have fights and really get going at each other, but she also knows that her wife can hold a grudge.
She doesn't think Wanda will actually hold a grudge after you wake up, but for now her anger and grief towards Natasha are the only things emotionally anchoring her to reality.
"I miss her, Wands," Natasha sniffs and wipes the tears from her cheeks with the back of her hand.
"Me too, Natalia. Me too."
They sit in silence for a minute, taking everything in. There are no windows in the room and during the day that means zero sunlight. You always say that time in the sun is one of the most important parts of your daily routine, and it always helps you cool down when you're stressed out or in a bad mood.
Natasha is the first to break the silence, speaking directly to you.
"You are going to hate this room so much when you wake up, detka," she muses with the smallest smile.
Wanda only glances at her before turning her attention back to you and sitting down in her chair, trapped in her mind just as Natasha is, but not all hope is lost and for that, the older woman is grateful.
"Believe it or not, she was the calm one. During everything."
"Natasha."
Her name is said softly although there is still a warning behind it, but she needs this and she believes that Wanda does too. Even if she doesn't know it yet.
"Please, Wanda."
Wanda just sighs and nods, never taking her eyes off of you.
"Najma had me struggling within ten minutes. Begged her to take me instead and to let Y/N go. I don't know why I thought it would work, but I think I just wanted Y/N to know that even if I couldn't get us out of there in that moment... I was trying. I would keep trying."
Natasha's voice is still scratchy as her exhaustion slowly catches up with her.
"Y/N was so firm with me. She said not to tell Najma anything and she meant it. I don't think I've ever heard her be that direct before, but she left no room for argument. She knew what the information would do to the family because she... she sees us as her family, Wands." The redhead sniffs and wipes at her eyes when her tears return, making a prominent trail down her cheeks.
"We are all she has left and she means the world to us! And... and I let her down so much. So, so much, Wanda. She stayed so calm! She did so good! She talked to Najma. She had a conversation with the woman who had a knife to her cheek!" Natasha's laugh is reserved, but her features are shock-ridden and amazed, bordering on flabbergasted and anxiety-filled.
Wanda finally looks up at her wife. Natasha is starting to spiral and there is no way to stop it other than just letting her get it all out, so the Sokovian keeps listening to and watching her wife. The recount of events is told with animated hand gestures and tears gliding down Natasha's cheeks, and Wanda's heart clenches.
"We were doing so well. She was doing so well. Then, Najma stabbed her and my heart dropped. I thought it was over. I thought we had lost her for good." The hand gestures come to an abrupt halt and the tension in the room is once again palpable, but not so much as before.
Natasha looks down at you with pleading eyes, "Please forgive me, malyshka," she drops to both knees and finally takes your hand in hers and whispers, "please."
She kisses the back of your hand delicately and you can feel each tear drop as they land in the exact spot she kissed. There is no need to wonder why your girlfriend is crying. You remember everything.
Your eyes slowly blink open to see Natasha's own eyes closed and Wanda staring at her wife with a thoughtful expression. The love they have for each other makes you want to smile, but the urge to reassure your sobbing mob boss girlfriend wins.
"I..." talking hurts but you need to say the words. Natasha needs to know! "Forgive... you. Always... Natty."
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httpspedri26 · 2 months
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Turn back time - JB
Angst
Jude Bellingham x reader
Send requests!
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Jude hated the feeling of being alone. Sure, he had his mother living with him, but he hated that the left side of his bed was empty. It had almost been 8 months since Jude joined Real Madrid, and 4 months since you left him.
It was his fault. Everything that had happened between you and him was his fault. You tried, god you tried so hard to save your relationship, but you failed miserably.
The last chance you gave him was 4 months ago, on November 16, your 3-year anniversary. You had made a whole plan, you made dinner, his favorite, and his mom had helped a little but left an hour before Jude was supposed to arrive home. But he never did. He never arrived, which left you alone on the couch waiting for him, and you were done waiting for him. You reminded him the day before too, and he still forgot.
“Hey babe,” Jude said as he dropped his bag at the front door. You quickly looked up from your book and stood up from the couch. “Hey Jude,” you whispered, smiling at him. He didn’t return the smile as he kissed your cheek and flopped down next to where you were sitting, quickly reaching for his phone in his back pocket.
“Where’s my mum?” He mumbled, scrolling through his Instagram feed. “She left to grab some things for dinner.”
The knot in your throat pulled tighter, restricting the flow of oxygen. You swallowed past it and forced your lips to curve upward. “Speaking of dinner, don’t forget our dinner tomorrow for our anniversary.”
“I won’t,” he tapped something on his screen.
“It’s our third-year anniversary,” you whispered as you bit your lip, hoping to get some emotion out of Jude.
He looked up from his phone and smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “I know babe, I won’t forget,” he said while standing up from his seat.
You put up with dozens of missed dates, canceled trips, and broken promises over the years, which was understandable because of football; everything was always about football, and you were tired of it.
“Tell mum not to worry about dinner for me, I already ate with Vini. I’ll go take a shower and take a nap,” his lips grazed your cheek on his way past you. “Good night.” He was already gone by the time you responded. “Good night.”
Jude hated himself the next day. He had come home late due to the guys wanting to go out to a bar.
He had forgotten about the dinner you had planned and only remembered when he went inside his house and saw two dinner plates on the table, and his mom in the living room pacing around trying to get hold of someone on the phone.
That’s when Jude’s heart stopped.
Jude felt really bad these last 4 months. He didn't hear from you at all, like you never existed. There wasn't anything of you left in his house, just the faint smell on your pillow. He hated that he let you go so easily.
Every day, waking up reminded him of you and how he had to live without you. He looked different too, with dark purple bags under his eyes. His mom worried about him and you too. She hadn't heard from you since that night. She didn’t know if you were alive or dead, or if you had somewhere to go.
Jude's days were all the same, filled with regret and missing you. He wished he could go back and fix things. But time just made it worse, making the hole you left even deeper.
Playing with Real Madrid helped a bit, but he still couldn't forget you. His teammates saw how he changed, from being happy and confident to sad and quiet. They tried to cheer him up, but nothing worked.
Weeks turned into months, and Jude couldn't stop thinking about you. He knew he messed up and wanted you back more than anything.
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busycloudy · 8 months
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It Wasn't Fate
Tw: Angsty, although it is my first time writing like this
Reader is MC and is gender neutral. Cater and reader are ex's
HEAVILY inspired by this song:
(Maybe listen to it while reading)
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It's now been 2 weeks since the two of you broke up. You stared at the ceiling thinking about it, the rain hitting the windows. You knew you should let it go, you knew that nothing could change what happened in the past, and you knew if you truly loved something you had to let it go. But, for some reason, you constantly thought about it. About everything you could've done better. Everything you did wrong. Constantly thinking the separation was your fault. You hated it so much. Grim and the Adeuce duo always tried to cheer you up, but even if you seemed happy again, there was something in your eyes. You didn't have the usual glint in your eyes. You wasn't yourself anymore.
Grim was bugging you about getting him some tuna so you got up from the couch and got a can of it. You opened the can and gave it to Grim, but then you heard a knock on the door. "Who could be out in this weather-" You opened the door and your eyes widened. At the door was Cater. He was sopping wet because of the rain. "Hey...Can I come in?" He asked. "Sure" You let him in and closed the door behind him. "Uh...Do you want anything? Tea or something?" You asked. He said he'd like some tea, and so you made him some. He mumbled a thanks and drank it. You looked at him, and you hated this. You hated how he came as soon as you were starting to get over it. You hated how heartbroken you felt. You hated all of this. "So, what are you doing here?" You put on a smile. "I was going to Heartslabyul, but then it started pouring, and this was the closest place." Cater said. "Would it be okay if I stayed for the night? It seems like the rain is just gonna get worse." He said. You wanted to tell him no. You wanted to tell him he can stay however long it takes to get his things and leave, but you didn't have the heart. "Sure" You smiled and got up to get a blanket and pillow so he can sleep on the couch. You came across something on the floor as you were getting the blankets. It was a phone case. The one Cater gave you when you two were together. It had the same pattern as Cater's did, except that it was your favorite color. You remembered when he gave it to you as a gift for tour 1st anniversary. The bright smile on his face. After the break up you immediately took it off your phone and threw it across the room. Sure, you might've overreacted, but could you really be blamed?
You eventually came back to him with the blankets and pillow. "Here you go" You gave him the items and took the tea cup to put it in the sink. It was still a bit if time before dark, so you stayed in the living room with him while scrolling on your phone. "Hey, MC, I just wanted to say thank you" He smiled at you. That smile reminded you of so much memories. When you two took a picture together. When you two went to a cafe together. When you two would goof off. You felt as if you were gonna cry. "It's no problem" You said with a tremble in your voice. You wished all your memories with him would go away. You wished this never happened. You knew in no universe would it have worked out with him. You couldn't be his friend nor lover. It wasn't fate that brought you two together like you used to say, no, you two met each other by pure coincidence.
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Text
Lock-up ~ Chapter 1
{Charles Leclerc x Reader}
Y/N L/N is the new hope of RedBull. Though, her start to the season could’ve known some better days. With RedBull’s pressure, her dad’s reminders that she is only here because of him and Max’s behaviour, Y/N has a lot on her mind.
Someone she used to know seems to notice, but can’t decided wether or not to help.
Read to see how this all unfolds ❤️
hope yall enjoy!!
•••
I changed a bit of things in F1 to make this story work, therefore Perez does not exist anymore 😭. Also the calendar is different, and I made the reader Canadian but her dad's Italian.
The story will be both present, and past for flashbacks and explanations.
Heres a short diagram of the teams Charles and Y/N have been in.
Charles Y/N
2018 (F2): Prema Dams
2019-2020 (F1): Sauber Racing Point
present (F1):       Ferrari RedBull
This fanfic includes all the good stuff, from closed proximity to forbidden love, you guys won't ever be bored 🤭
Enjoy!!
•••
Present Day -  Spain GP, race #7
" And it's a red flag here in Spain... Who could possibly- Oh and it's Charles Leclerc and Y/N L/N who have crashed!" the commentator's voice boomed through the speakers.
Both cars were immobile in the gravel pits of the circuit, with Charles' front wing stuck in the wall.
" For those of you that are new to Formula One, let's just say these two have made it a habit of constantly fighting each other since the start of the season... once in a while resulting into both of their DNFs," The other commentator continued.
" What a fucking idiot. Turning into me like that, what the hell was i supposed to do?" Y/N complained in her radio.
" If she keeps pulling stuff like that she could literally kill someone, including herself. When will she learn to control herself?" Charles screamed in his team radio.
Both drivers got out of their cars without a scratch, and the glare they gave each other through furrowed brows must've been the most intense part of the whole crash.
•••
It wasn't always like this. Battling the other dangerously, loathing stares, and hateful speeches.
Two years ago, when you were with Racing Point and he Sauber, you and Charles were inseparable. People went as far as saying you guys were dating, but that theory was quickly shut down since at that time Charles had a girlfriend and you were seeing someone.
You guys had formed habits together, but the most important one was skiing in the Alps in the off season.
•••
2 Years Ago -  Italian Alps
" Where do you think you're going next?" you ask Charles on the chairlift.
The beautiful and vast Alps were mesmerizing to look at from the chairlift, but Charles had his eyes somewhere else.
" I think we should go... Hörnli." he says, with a determined look on his face.
" Not the ski slopes idiot, the next F1 team you're joining," you laugh.
Skiing and hiking the Alps was your tradition with Charles. It was your third time doing it by now.
" Oh my god I'm so stupid. Well Ferrari have reached out, so if I have the opportunity I'm definitely taking it. What about you?" he watches you carefully.
" I don't know yet. I should know soon though." You added with a smile that quickly faded.
" Don't worry, There's definitely a big team that has you in their sights." He said, flashing you a smile. " Imagine you end up in Ferrari with me!" he added hopefully.
" Oh I don't think you could handle me beating you every race." you teased, shoving him slightly.
" Oh, You wish! Still... I must admit you're the toughest opponent I've had... yet." he smugly added.
His compliment had caught you off-guard.
" You really think so?" you questioned with a cocky smile. " I'm touched."
" I said yet, and with the cars that we have right now. We'll see when we're in bigger teams." he challenged.
" You didn't specify cars..." you teased.
" Oh shut up," he chuckles, hitting you with his ski stick.
Your laughs could almost be heard echoing in the vast mountains of Italy.
Then, you signed with RedBull.
•••
The tension began at the start of this season, ever since Charles joined his dear Scuderia and you RedBull.
Ever since the Canadian Grand Prix.
Charles' selfish action had cost him his already fragile friendship with you. He wanted to get back at you for what you did to him in Monaco. He let his greed cloud his thoughts, but perhaps there was another emotion present in his thinking...
•••
Past - Monaco GP - race 1
Y/N POV
I had to prove myself. Being the only woman on the F1 grid put a suffocating pressure on my chest, because I had to be perfect no matter the occasion. On and off track.
Winning this historical race meant winning everybody's respect. Especially my dad's. He would have no other choice but to hug me tightly after the win, right? Surely he wouldn't have any reasons to be disappointed in me?
I was both eager and scared to find out. My dad  only wants the best for me, but he sometimes struggles to show it. Still, I wouldn't ask for anything else. His severe teaching is the only reason I'm here.
•••
30 seconds before the lights go out. I close my eyes and go over the track in my head one last time before taking in as much air possible in my lungs and letting it go steadily. I tune out every distraction around me and look up without blinking.
Two cars in front.
Lewis on pole and Charles following.
The red lights are on... and off.
I don't have an amazing start but I manage to keep my position. The first few laps require the fullest of my concentration because of Monaco's tight corners and every car being close. I finally hear Ryan (my engineer) telling me to slow down and keep a good pace.
That was until Lewis made a mistake, leading to Charles and I passing him. There was only Charles in front now. No, not Charles. A car.
I was simply looking at a red car who, by team orders, needed to be passed.
And so I attacked. Trying to push the ferrari into making a single mistake, one I could benefit from.
The ferrari in front was incredibly good at defending, and my heart started to beat faster. There were only a few laps left. I had to win, I needed to win.
My impatience got the best of me. It pushed me over the limit, and I was the one that made the mistake. I didn't brake soon enough.
A bit of smoke is all I remember before disassociating from the moment. I fucked up. My dad was never going to let me forget this. What was the media going to say? I ruined both my race and Charles'. Not even one of us was going to celebrate tonight.
My stomach ached so much. My head was spinning. I saw two hands reaching out to me and helping me up from my seat. Was it Charles? Maybe he forgives me. He had to.
I opened my eyes and saw the ones of a worried marshal. He set me down and my eyes instantly searched for Charles'.
I found his eyes glued to his car, then they finally met mine.  The look in his eyes made my heart drop. Hatred. Hatred I created.
I knew I couldn't run up to him right now, But I had to speak to him. We've had our conflicts on-track, but they never lasted long off-track. This time was different.
I start to walk away, and then looked up to lock eyes with my father's. Disappointment. My heart pinched and anger rose in me.
•••
After the race I searched for Charles everywhere and finally found him by the stands, walking alone.
"Charles!" I call out, half expecting him to walk the other way.
He simply stopped walking and looked at me expectantly.
" Listen I'm- " But he cuts me off.
" Y/N you don't have to say anything. Racing is racing. You shouldn't stop yourself from attacking just because I'm the one in the car in front." he said, rather coldly.
I felt so relieved to hear that. I lifted my arms up to hug him, but he quickly took ahold of my wrist. He closed his eyes, and gripped my wrist tighter.
"Just... Expect the same in following races." He said, opening his eyes with a piercing gaze.
He let go of my wrist gently and turned his back on me, leaving me all alone.
What the fuck. What did he mean? His anger would probably dissipate before the next race, like it always did. Like he said, I shouldn't just stop overtaking him to make him happy.
•••
The media ate me alive, and it made me even more frustrated. First race for Redbull and this is what happens...
I make my way out of the interview room and see my dad. My throat starts to close.
" Terrible start, terrible attacking, and overall shitty race. This isn't the result of my teaching, is it?" he coldly states.
"No." I mutter out.
" What? I couldn't quite hear." he says.
" No, it's not! It's my fault entirely." I say truthfully. This was not a good example of my driving and even less of my dad's guidance.
" There you go." my dad says, patting me on the shoulder.
•••
Past - Canadian GP - race #2
Y/N POV
I qualified like shit for my home grand prix. P6 because my car had a problem, and if it wasn't enough, Charles was P7 behind me. I'll show him that his little speech didn't scare me and it was childish of him to menace me with his words.
The race was tight. I had managed to get up to P3, but Charles was very close behind. I defended him fiercely, and for a moment I thought I had it. That was until his "tires locked up" and he hit my side. Both cars were able to get back on track, although Charles ended up passing me because of this. It didn't matter. I fell down to P8 and finished the race with a disappointing P7. I was fucking fuming.
" What the hell is wrong with him? He got a penalty for that right?" I complain in my team radio at the end of the race.
" Um, unfortunately Y/N, there doesn't seem to be any penalty taken from ferrari's part." Ryan tells me.
"WHAT?" I exclaim.
How was that even fucking possible? Did me and the FIA see the same crash?
•••
The post-race interviews were now happening.
" Y/N, I'm not trying to jump to conclusions, but that move pulled off by Charles seemed intentional. Any thoughts?" the interviewer questioned.
" Yeah I think it says a lot about him," I stated angrily. "What happened in Monaco was a mistake and he had NO right to ruin my home race in return. Him not getting a penalty is also very surprising. I'll never forget this childish act from both Leclerc and the FIA." I replied, pissed.
" Those are harsh words coming from your mouth, L/N. Yet, I think this could be the start of a new rivalry between Ferrari and Redbull. Do you?" the reporter continued.
" Definitely." I firmly said.
•••
You met Leclerc on the way back to the RedBull garage.
" I can't fucking believe you Charles, Monaco was a mistake but this? This was on purpose. You did this just to prove what, exactly?" You voiced, irritated.
Charles' expression was unreadable. He seemed at conflict with himself, trying to figure out what to say.
"I think," Charles paused. " I think we should keep our distances from now on."
Your mouth fell slightly open. After all you guys had done together, the strong bond you guys had created?
" Oh, don't worry about that." You stated angrily, storming off.
•••
Present Day - Post Spain GP - race 7
You felt disappointed after today's race, like any other race that finished badly. You loved your team so much- the team that had taken you in after only a year in F1, the team that constantly supported you... Although recently you could see their trust in you falter. You couldn't help but feel like you let RedBull down each time you made a mistake, like you felt with your dad.
Max ended up winning, so you congratulated him and gave him a quick hug that didn't go unnoticed by a certain someone.
Max was like a literal brother to you, having a similar character to yours and the same dad experiences.
" You really gotta stop targeting Charles like that, Y/N. The team won't like it, and I like you, so you better stick around and stop holding grudges." Max joked.
" Mate did you see the incident? I swear he turned into me!" you retorted, eyes wide.
" Yeah..." Max chuckled, not convinced.
" Oh my god just go on the podium already." You annoyingly said, giving him one last tap on the shoulder.
Max left while laughing, and you were left smiling alone. You didn't want to listen to him when he said you should stop holding a grudge on Leclerc, but a part of you knew he was right. You should definitely focus on the championship, since a gap had formed between you and the leaders. This definitely stressed you out, with your dad's constant high expectations and the team slowly losing hope in your talent.
A sudden pair of eyes found yours in the crowd.
Leclerc's eyes had a new look in them, but you couldn't quite put your finger on it. You simply furrowed your brows and looked away.
~~~~
Quite a long chapter to start with, and i think the following ones will be shorter. Also this was copied from my wattpad, so if theres any mistakes im sorry hahaha
Hope yall enjoyed 💞
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toxicanonymity · 6 months
Text
raider analysis
Warnings: angst, references to violence, captivity, references to past assault/abuse, warnings from the related posts this is analyzing.
A/N: this is about the hypothetical from today, plus some about the 🐶 (goes into Hunger). Keep in mind I share these because some people enjoy it, not because i want you to read it like AP Lit, lol. 🫣
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Ok, the kinda tearjerking exchange (not my favorite kind of jerking, but it happened, sorry) starts off
“‘Member what I said after ya ran?” You nod. “that you only want me if I'm good?” A tear runs down your cheek.
I have to admit I'm sad for both of you in this moment. You especially, sweet pea. But also, Joel regrets how he treated you in the aftermath of your escape, and he can't undo it. He's mostly thought about the physical part of it (glimpse of this in the yoga drabble). Now hearing you paraphrase his words, he's faced with the fact that it's even worse than he's been beating himself up over (deservedly, tbf). 
As far as you running away, the main thing that reassured Joel was how you said it wasn't about him, it was the other guys, to which he said you gotta talk to him when something's bothering you. So in his eyes that was his main point. But before he calmed down enough to express that, he was angry and it made a real impression on you. Your main takeaway was that his interest in you (and your safety) was conditional.  You don't think about it a lot these days, and in the big picture it's outweighed by his extreme possessiveness, but it's a thread of insecurity and the first thing that comes to mind when he asks if you remember what he said.
For Joel, there's a whole other conversation happening here (with himself) under the surface.
In this convo when Joel says “that was real bad,” it all was, including what he did in response.  When he asks “we’re past that, right?” he means all of it. He wishes that day would just go away. It's also kind of an empty hope related to what he's done to you. He doesn't think he deserves forgiveness or love, but at this point he also doesn't want you to live in fear of him or only stay for that reason. 
You answer as if he just wants to know you wont run away again, and that's still nice to hear. He latches onto that answer as a momentary "out" from feeling the weight of what he's done, reminding himself what's supposed to really matter to him–that you're "his"--like your answer assumed he was thinking.
—--
Also, a word about the dog. Not everything with the dog is profound. I like doggos and think they should have one. But, the initial interaction/freeing him from the collar is meaningful if you consider who else has been chained in this story (but not lately).  And there's more parallels you can draw if you want to, but I also support just enjoying the little guy.
In the same chapter, it's the first time we see Joel take you out with him as a capable person (armed). Then he even lets you go into the forest alone. The reason he ultimately goes in after you is because he's worried about you. In general, Joel wants to keep you for his own sake but is also scared of what could happen to you on your own (he's almost seen it). You're legitimately worried about the dog’s well-being and think he needs you, but you also just want him around.
Joel despises the addict and the way he treated his own dog. Joel hates himself, too. His thoughts coming out of the forest reveal he’s coming for the junkie as a stand-in and what he really wants is to hurt everyone who ever hurt you. He knows he's one of those people. I'm not saying he wants to hurt himself but some of the aggression he takes out on other men (when a simple bullet would suffice) is from his own self hatred. Normally these men have something in common with him. 
Joel initially rejects the dog, not wanting another someone to take care of distracting him from protecting you. But later the dog demonstrates he's more than meets the eye and has a lot to offer and for good reason Joel seems to come around, even if he won't say it. Despite that progress, in the hypothetical from today we still want more for the dog.  The dog deserves more. We still want more for sweet pea who is emotionally starving and has been subjected to Joel's coldness in her previous attempts to get closer to him. She deserves more. Like maybe a kiss at least (when she's awake). In night air we see why Joel struggles with that, but he keeps making progress. At least he's kissing your other lips.
-----
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Thank you for reading and being invested <3. Joel's a bad guy but tbh I identify with and pour myself into both these characters in different ways.
I'm tired but this isn't exhaustive 😅 your thoughts and interpretation are valid, too.
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gigigle · 2 months
Text
I really hate how ursa is done in the comics idk
Like I'm done with the arranged marriage and her and ikem but I hate the other stuff.
1. Her and azula
I kinda wish they made her and azulas relationship more complex and nuanced instead of it being that ursa loved her all along and never favored zuko
Because I just think that's a little lazy. I feel like if ursa had favored zuko it would've made sense like if we keep the ikem part of all of it then I think it would be interesting that ursa favored zuko because he reminded her of her past and ikem. Also that with zuko she could at least pretend he wasn't ozais.
But with azula she couldn't pretend at all. And then coupled that with the fact that azula had a spark in her eyes that zuko didn't and she saw how ozai reacted to that and how he treated zuko that she would feel like she would need to protect him even more. I think it would be an interesting thing if zuko reminded her of her old life while azula reminded her of her present life.
And that would cause a rift between them. And then we would have azula acting out for her mothers attention and acting more and more similar to ozai which would just further increase the rift. Because ursa would struggle to separate her daughter from her abuser like she can with zuko. Especially since azula would also spend most of her time learning from ozai and listening to him.
Im also not saying she would a horrible mother either. Because I think even with this scenario that she is still nuanced because she got forced into a situation she would have never chosen and is just trying to get through it day by day. I think it would be that like ursa, azula was just a casualty of azulon and especially of ozai. Because had ozai not been there I think she would have been a much better mother.
Like idk I just feel like with how the comics wrote ursa and ozais relationship this would make even more sense than her being just a slightly flawed mother but she was trying her best. Idk I'm not very articulate.
2. The forgetting thing
It sucks. I hate it so much actually. It's just so bad, like I feel like the writer couldn't think of anyway to make it make sense that ursa would never go back to her kids but tbh I can think of some ways.
Like ursa is definitely terrified of ozai and he knows where she went and she would still go back to her hometown.
So maybe ozai knows this and every now and then he sends soldiers around there to just do a bit of patrol maybe even have them raid her parents house as a way of telling ursa that if she does something her parents and ikem are gonna be the price. Which I think would work.
Also I think with azula and zuko that she just kept telling herself that zuko had Iroh and that azula was ozais favorite. She probably just repeated those constantly like how zuko does with azula always lies. And soon after like a year she believed it.
Also I think she wouldn't get any information on them because ozai would make it harder and like we see in canon not that many know of or recognize azula and zuko. Like in the beach episode kids who seem to have noble parents don't even know about them so I think it would make a lot of sense that the royal family is way way way more private esp during ozais reign. Because yk ozai killed his father,stole his brothers birthright, and In ozais opinion had a failure of a first born. And maybe ursa was also too terrified of what shed find out or just to leave hir'a/her hometown.
Also part of me thinks it was lazy writing so that they wouldn't have to have ursa have difficult conversations about why she never went looking for them or just a conversation with azula because we never actually get a real ursa and azula convo.
3. Kiyi
I hate her. Like she just feels like such a a replacement and lazy writing. Like they wanted zuko to have a healthy brother sister dynamic with someone and they didn't know how,didn't think of, or just didn't want to write that with pre established characters, they decided to make a character that was everything azula wasn't and was the perfect little sister and daughter.
Like I think she could be fun but I also think she was just so that zuko could have that dynamic without having to put in the work of writing azula a semi redemption arc or smth.
But also I think maybe they could've given zuko that brother sister dynamic with katara or toph. Like we see zuko jealous of sokka and katara and maybe we get stuff we're zuko and katara will act like sibling or like the relationship he always wanted with azula but then gets reminded that he can't have that.
Also It feels like a way to also give ursa the perfect daughter but I do think rewritten she could work. I think she's a fun concept.
End
Tbh I just wanted to rant because I feel like so much was done that was just kinda boring and lazy.
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wisecrackzach · 5 months
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Durge HCs (with appearances from Gortash)
Some hc rotating in my brain about my durge but I'm too lazy to write fics rn so this is my outlet
The Dark Urge and Gortash learned how to ballroom dance together. Gortash knew he was going to take over Baldur's Gate and figured he should know how to dance like the rich do (he's the kinda guy who believes in dressing for the job you want). So, he decides to teach himself and Durge too since he wants to rule with them. It was clumsy, messy, and got a little violent, bloody, and even erotic at times.
Gortash also made Durge do some other proper society training. Obviously, Durge wasn't built for proper society but Gortash dreamed of it and now thay dream included Durge. So, he made them also learn what fork to use for when (the beast and belle dinner scene frfr) and posture training. Durge hated this very much. They threatened Gortash life many times and many fork were stabbed into hands.
I refuse to believe that Gortash doesn't know how to lace his shirt. Therefore, I've decided that durge used to lace them that way because they were always dressed by their followers so they didn't know how. And now Gortash keeps it that way.
I 100% think that Gortash is obsessed with money and appearing rich. He buys gaudy expensive clothes but doesn't know how to wear them or the current trends because he didn't grow up rich. So, he looks kinda silly with his ugly red shoes and anxiety robe but no one dares make fun of him for it.
And because he cared about clothes and presentation he would buy Durge a lot of clothes that durge probably never wore.
Durge probably went to the shoe store Gortash's parents own when they were a kid before becoming the dark urge.
Orin and Durge are kinda like Zuko and Azula to me. Like even though they're both kinda fucked up inside and hate each other, they're still siblings. They probably had dumb arguments as teens like normal siblings but a little bloodier. And they probably braided each other hair and cared for one enough without admitted it was that. I wish so badly their could be an ending with Orin with a redeemed Durge like their was with Zuko and Azula.
Kinda fucked up but I wouldn't put it past them, Orin and Gortash hooked up after the Durge was taken. Buuut Orin would be shapeshifted into Durge for Gortash. Additionally, Orin used the Durge form to mess with Gortash just for fun.
Redeemed Durge HCs
The general public does not know about Durge being from Bhaal's temple and kinda being the cause of it all. Except for Duke Ravengard (if alive). Which makes it really awkward for a Durge romancing Wyll because his father is so clearly scared of Durge. They feel bad and they're trying to calm him but he's definitely resents them a little.
Durge probably killed Gortash's parents after the whole saving the world thing in the good ending. Like this might be a redeemed durge but they still killed them cause they still felt bad for Gortash and his parents sucked.
Durge made a memorial for Orin, Gortash, and Ketheric. Maybe they even added The Dark Urge too, just to remind themselves that's not who they are anymore.
If Durge is a warlock then original their patron is Bhaal but after they reject him Withers is their new patron.
Since they're kinda the hero of Baldur's Gate now, Durge was forced to do a bunch of public appearances and go to fancy parties and balls. Unfortunately, they've forgotten everything that Gortash taught them before about being in the upper crust so Durge is totally lost and feels like a rabid wolf in a bowtie. However, the gang helps them where they can. Primarily, Wyll and Astarion. Lae'zel offers advice but it's never any good...
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frodo-with-glasses · 7 months
Text
More Reading Thoughts: The Shadow of the Past
"The blame was mostly laid on Gandalf." Whatever you did, you've been officially labeled a Disturber of the Peace...
Something about "but the growth of hobbit-sense was not very noticeable" cracks me up
I love the fact that Frodo kept throwing birthday parties for Bilbo after he left. It's so sweet.
I would much rather go to Frodo’s Hundred-weight Feast than Bilbo’s Party of Special Magnificence, actually; twenty guests and several meals “at which it snowed food and rained drink” sounds much more my speed X-D
“Bilbo isn’t dead.” “Where is he then?” “🤷‍♂️”
F in the chat for Folco Boffin, who was mentioned like once in this chapter and never comes into the story again
"Merry and Pippin suspected that [Frodo] visited the Elves at times, as Bilbo had done." TEA???
Frodo's wandering in the autumn has such an evocative and melancholy feeling to it. So much so that I wrote a poem about it last year...
Part Two of me wishing the movies could have shown the Dwarves passing through the Shire on their way to the Blue Mountains
Sam be like "Dragons and Ents are real, I tell you!" and Ted Sandyman like "press X to doubt"
Our first glimpse of Sam's unassailable trust in Frodo and his wisdom 💚
And now! Exposition dumping, with Gandalf.
I hate the fact that I can't see or hear the word Eregion without getting war flashbacks to Amazon's Rings of Poopy
Ooh, remind me to write an essay about the invisibility power of the Ring(s)...
"[Bilbo] would certainly never have passed on to you anything that he thought would be a danger." Oh boy, would you look at the time, it's Crying About Adoptive Relationships O'clock
"'There wasn't any permanent harm done, was there?' asked Frodo anxiously. 'He would get all right in time, wouldn't he? Be able to rest in peace, I mean.'" OH BOY, WOULD YOU LOOK AT THE TIME—
Literally Gandalf: "Hobbits are my special interest"
"It is quite cool." It sure is, Gandalf. Wicked. Radical, even.
Low-hanging fruit, I know, but I had to 🤣
Speaking of low-hanging fruit, here's a joke I made two years ago about the "until Spring had passed into Winter" line:
He threw a luau barbecue one breezy summer night/Invited all his turtle pals to come and have a wiki bite/The turtles started walkin' there as Lance began to swing/The one that lived across the street arrived there in the spring...!
"I wish it need not have happened in my time." "So do I, and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us." Still a line that goes so, so hard, right in the middle of this exposition dump.
I like how in Gandalf's story, he makes Deagol talk normally, but Smeagol still has all those verbal idiosyncrasies that are iconic to Gollum.
I'm still trying to remember who it was that pointed out that the last syllable of Smeagol is the first syllable of Gollum. Blew my mind when I saw that, I tell ya.
"I can put it no plainer than by saying that Bilbo was meant to find the Ring, and not by its maker. In which case you also were meant to have it. And that may be an encouraging thought." "It is not." 🤣🤣🤣
The thought of Gollum creeping through a window to snatch a baby from a cradle and eat it is at least seventeen different kinds of Not Fun. Thanks, Tolkien.
I have very little to say about Gandalf's retelling of the Ring's story—and Frodo's frightened and naive questions—except that it's almost as hard to tear your eyes away from the book as it is for Frodo to throw the Ring into the fire.
"I do really wish to destroy it! Or, well, to have it destroyed. I am not made for perilous quests." Oh, Frodo, bby...
I love how Sam's spying is so artfully foreshadowed here X-D You just go whistling away down that path, buddy! Nobody suspects a thing!
All Frodo has to say is "I suppose I'll have to go running into danger alone to keep everything and everyone I love safe, even if it means never coming home again; it's a pity, but I'll do it" and Gandalf is like "Frodo have I mentioned lately how much I love you and hobbits in general". Which. Mood! Big mood!
SUDDENLY, SAMWISE GAMGEE!
Good gracious did I need Sam and his comic relief after this heavy chapter X-D Bless you, Sam, you loveable dummy
I wonder what hobbit idiom Tolkien "translated" into "Lor bless you, sir". I'm not sure the hobbits have a concept of Eru Illuvatar as a benevolent God who hands out blessings; and if they do, I somehow doubt they'd have quaint little figures of speech like this. But I'm just nitpicking at this point because it's fun.
"There ain't no eaves at Bag End, and that's a fact." SAM 🤣🤣
"Mr. Frodo, sir! Don't let him hurt me, sir! Don't let him turn me into anything unnatural! My old dad would take on so." Have I mentioned that I love the heck out of Sam?
Frodo is "hardly able to keep from laughing", which, MOOD!
Sam heard that Mr. Frodo was going away and audibly choked. GAH I love him so much
Frodo sure knows how to threaten Sam LOL
"If you even breathe a word of what you've heard here, then I hope Gandalf will turn you into a spotted toad and fill the garden full of grass-snakes." 🤣🤣
"'Me, sir!' cried Sam, springing up like a dog invited for a walk. 'Me go and see Elves and all! Hooray!' he shouted, and then burst into tears." Oh, Sam. I love you.
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xoxoavenger · 9 months
Text
I Wish You Would
Pairing: JJ Maybank x Fem!Reader
summary: You say it's in the past And drive straight ahead You think I'm gonna hate you now 'Cause you still don't know what I never said
word count: 2819
warnings: alcoholism, cheating (minor)
1989 masterlist main masterlist
JJ isn't quite sure why he goes this way to the Chateau.
There's a faster way. It's already really early in the morning, and he's exhausted from work. But he can't bring himself to avoid this road, no matter how much it hurts every single day.
It's probably the the fact that every time he drives by, he can only think of good memories.
"Hey!" A girl calls from her window on the second floor. She's leaning on the sill, her hair fluttering in the wind as she smiles. He puts his hand up to shade his eyes as he releases the lawn mower, causing it to turn off.
"What?" He yells, taking in her face. The first thing he notices is her eyes, glittering in the sun. The second is her smile, practically blinding him.
"What's your name?" She asks, tucking some hair behind her ear.
"JJ!" He tells her, brows furrowed. His eyes are still squinted, because he forgot his sunglasses at his house and he's terrified of going back while he knows his dad is unemployed and still there. "What's yours?"
"Y/N!" When she says it, he feels his heart stop momentarily. "What's your number, JJ?" She asks, and he lets out a laugh.
"Not even a date?" She asks through her giggles, and JJ thinks this sound will kill him.
"Fine!" He chuckles, thinking about what he has to do. "How about tonight at the Ship Wreck?" It's the nicest place he knows that he can also afford, and he expects this rich girl to wince. Instead she smiles even brighter, eyes crinkling.
"7 PM! Don't be late!" She winks, her laugh flowing out the window as she walks back into her room, leaving JJ to wonder how the hell he just got the easiest date of his life with the prettiest girl he's ever seen.
When he realizes he stopped in the middle of the road in front of her house, he takes a deep breath and reminds himself of what happed only a couple weeks ago. He feels like he's gonna be sick as he starts back up again, driving ahead once more.
It doesn't really matter what he thinks. It doesn't matter that he's still in love with her, because she clearly doesn't care anymore. And if she caught him outside her window, she'd probably come out just to yell at him. He wouldn't be surprised if she beat him with a stick.
~
She knows he's out there.
Well, she doesn't know for sure. But she can hear the rumbling of a motorcycle, and it reminds her of him. She hears it every night around the same time, and it makes her wish that he would just come back up to her room. She wouldn't even ask him questions, just let him into her bed so that he could hold her in the way she's been missing for a month now. 
She doesn't go to the window to check for fear of being wrong, of seeing someone else. What she's most afraid of, however, is that someone else will be on the bike, in her place.
She knows she shouldn't feel this way. She knows they weren't dating for that long, that they were in love for such a short time that she should be able to get over it; they didn't even tell each other 'I love you' anyway, so there's no reason for her to think he loved her back. On the outside, they were the party couple, showing up and being all over each other at parties, always next to each other, always with each other. If they were both missing, everyone knew that if you found one, you found the other.
And she was always on the back of his bike.
"I can give you a ride home." He tells her, smiling. The date had gone perfect; they had hit it off quickly, and Y/N saw even the waitress smiling (later, she would realize that the waitress was Kiara, who was friends with JJ). When she had leaned out the window and asked JJ on the date, she wasn't expecting this. She knew he would be fun, she had heard of his reputation, but she didn't think he would be funny or offer to drive her home.
On his motorcycle?
"That one's yours?" She asks, blinking as JJ stops by the thin motorcycle. When he nods, she almost lets out a laugh. "And you think we're both gonna fit?" She smiles, but it's a nervous one that frays on the edges.
"We don't have to take this if you don't want to." He tells her, but she shakes her head.
"No, it sounds fun." She smiles and steps closer to him, causing him to smirk in return.
"Hold on tight." He tells her, putting his helmet over her head before climbing on. He holds his hand out for her, and she takes it while sitting on the back of the seat, thighs clutching the bike and arms wrapped tightly around him.
"Where's your helmet?" She asks, tilting her head to look at him.
"You're wearing it." He tells her, toeing backwards.
"Please be careful." Her heart is racing at the idea of something happening to JJ without his helmet. When she squeezes him tighter, he can practically feel how much she cares. It makes him feel like he could just melt, something he'd never felt before.
"I always will with you." He smiles before pulling out, and if she didn't have the helmet on she would kiss him right there.
And then, of course, she had messed it up.
It started with a party. Usually, it was well known that Y/N and JJ were together, but it was the beginning of summer and the tourons were back. Specifically, one that JJ always hooked up with.
"Jay," CarrieAnn calls, smiling with two drinks in her hand. Y/N had just gone into the Chateau with the girls to use the bathroom, and JJ had been told he wasn't allowed to follow.
"Hey, Carrie." JJ smiles tightly, instantly uncomfortable with how close she is. He steps back, but she clearly doesn't get the message because she steps forward. When JJ takes a sip of his drink, he realizes it's not beer, but something much, much stronger. Apart of him knows he shouldn't drink it, but the part of him that he gets from his dad, the addictive part, wants to slam it all down to let the alcohol numb his heavy feelings.
"How've you been?" She asks, one hand on his shoulder. He tips the drink back before he can think about it.
"I need a new one." He tells her instead of answering her question, turning in the direction of the makeshift bar they had. As they got older and more people chipped in money, they were able to get better alcohol instead of just the kegs. JJ had never been more thankful for that when he threw back a shot and then poured another mixed drink with a heavy hand.
By the time Y/N was out of the bathroom, JJ was three drinks in. He hadn't even left the huge stump they called a bar, standing and smiling with CarrieAnn.
To JJ's defense, Carrie looked a lot like Y/N. Same colored hair and height, similar skin tones and build. But he should have known it wasn't Y/N because while CarrieAnn's eyes were similar, they were no where near as gorgeous as JJ found Y/N's. So when CarrieAnn pulled JJ down for a kiss after pretending to whisper something in his ear, JJ had honestly thought it was Y/N.
Until Y/N grabbed him by his collar and yanked him back.
"How could you?" She screams, taking a look at him. Kiara and Sarah are behind her, mouths open in shock. JJ loved Y/N, everyone could see it; so why was he kissing someone else? the hurt in her voice makes him hurt as well, but he's too drunk to realize why she was so upset. 
"Wha," JJ starts, turning drunkenly between CarrieAnn and Y/N. "I thought," Y/N lifts her head in understanding, but underneath it still stings like a dagger to her heart. JJ shouldn't have been drunk enough to think she was someone else anyway. He had promised to cut back when they started dating, and so far he had. Even at other parties, he hadn't gotten fully drunk around her. 
"Who's this?" CarrieAnn finally steps up, taking a hold of JJ's arm. He shrugs it off, looking at her with confusion. He honestly can't even remember why he had been around Carrie in the first place.
"My girlfriend." He walks forward to Y/N, but she takes a step back, holding a hand up.
"You just kissed another girl." She whispers, backing up a couple more steps. Tears flood in her eyes, her beautiful eyes, and JJ would do anything to take them away.
"I thought she was you." JJ says as he moves forward, confirming Y/N's thoughts. She had figured as much, but it only made the hurt of him kissing someone else marginally easier to bear.
"Because you're drunk." She whispers, as if it's not obvious to everyone that he had been pouring himself half a handle.
"I'm sorry," He finally says, tears starting to spring to his own eyes.
"Let's talk about it when you're sober." She turns, happy that Kiara and Sarah are right there for her, waiting to take her into their arms and away from the party. She leans on them, letting them take her to Kie's car where they'll all go back to Y/N's house.
"Wait!" He calls, but he knows that even if they heard him over the sound of the music, she's not coming back. He deflates as Pope and John B come up to him.
"Dude," Pope starts, frowning. They had seen everything go down, but they were powerless to help; they all knew that stepping in would only make things worse. 
"Don't worry, man." John B puts an arm around his friend, and the three of them start walking toward the Chateau. "I've done way stupider things, and Sarah and I are still together." As if that's supposed to comfort JJ. By the raise of Pope's eyebrow, he doesn't think it was a great thing to say either.
The next day, JJ had tried to go to Y/N's house, but she wasn't around. It wasn't until he walked around the whole house that he realized she was on vacation.
Shit.
He calls her immediately, still on her porch. She picks up quicker than he expected, and he's thankful for it.
"Hello?" It sounds nice enough, but it isn't her usual greeting and it upsets JJ. Usually, she's so excited to get a call from him that she can barely shut up long enough for him to tell her what he needed to.
"Y/N, I'm so so sorry about last night. She kissed me, and I honestly did think she was you. I didn't realize until you pulled me back. I was so drunk, I could barely stand. And I know it's not an excuse, but if you could just forgive me and give me another chance, it'll never happen again. I swear to God." He's begging, he knows he is, but he'll do anything to make it right.
"That's the thing, JJ," She starts, and his heart drops because he has no idea what the thing is. "You're always apologizing for getting drunk. I mean, you've seen what it does to your father, and you still chose to abuse it! I don't mind you having fun and drinking, but," She takes a deep breath as her words get softer with more emotion, and JJ feels like the world has just spun off it's axis. He collapses into one of her patio chairs, heart racing to the point of pain. "If you're so drunk you can't distinguish your girlfriend from another girl, then maybe you shouldn't have one." She tells him, and he could just throw up at her words.
"I know but Y/N,"
"No buts, JJ! Are you gonna get your act together or not?" She's giving him a chance, letting him  pick the easy way out or the hard way to her.
"I'll try." Is the best he can do, but clearly it isn't good enough for Y/N. He doesn't want to lie, however, and he can't make a promise that he doesn't fully know he can keep.
"There is no try in this situation, JJ! You either get a handle on your problem or you lose me." It's very clear that she isn't budging, and JJ shuts his eyes as he feels them water.
"You don't understand!" He begins pulling at his hair, quickly losing his temper. "Yeah, I know how my dad ruined my life with it. I know how he drove away my mom and I know how he fucked himself and me over. But it's not as simple as knowing that. I just, I have so much anxiety, and it helps numb."
"I understand that, Jayj. I can help you-"
"You can't!" He yells, and she just widens her eyes from the other side of the line. He knows he should just shut up, calm down and talk to her later, but his mouth is moving before he can stop it. "You don't understand because life is like walking down the yellow brick road for you!" He was about to say more before he stops himself, knowing that he's already said enough. He knows that life hasn't been like walking on sunshine for her, that she's told him about her mental issues and her struggles with different experiences.
"Goodbye, JJ." She tells him.
"No, wait! I didn't mean that-" He starts, but the dial tone sounds and he knows its over. And the worst part is, he's sober. He has no one, nothing to blame but himself for this one.
~
When she hears a motorcycle go past her house again, it's a late night. It's actually an early morning; two am. She has to know now, needs to see if the person riding their motorcycle past her house every single night is JJ, and if he has anyone else. Namely that girl that looks like her, but it would hurt just as much if it were anyone else.
When she looks out her window, JJ Maybank is stopped in the middle of the street, staring at her house. Her heart gets caught in her throat as she stares from the darkness. She runs down the stairs as fast as she can, hoping he doesn't leave by the time she can get out there. She flies out the door, catching JJ's attention as she sprints across the grass.
"Hey," She whispers, slowing as she reaches him. He just stares at her, his helmetless face betraying all his emotions in the light of the street lamp. She wants to tell him to put on a helmet, but she's sure that's not a good starting point.
"What are you doing out here?" He asks, turning off his motorcycle. He puts the kickstand down and pulls his leg across it to stand. They're staring at each other in the silence, Y/N panting while JJ's heart races in a way that has nothing to do with exercise.
"I wish I would have told you that I love you on the phone." Her admission still makes his heart pound, and he's stunned into silence. "I didn't mean to hang up the phone, I swear. There was so much I wanted to say to you, but I couldn't because of how angry I was. And all I can think about is if I wouldn't have hung up, if I would have just let you explain yourself and if you would have let me express myself, then we would still be together. You know we would still be together." What she says is so true that it makes JJ have to swallow down his emotion.
"It's my fault." He tells her, heart breaking at the way she's taking responsibility for something she didn't even do. "I'm the one who messed up, and I didn't mean to say all those things. I was just so upset and I didn't trust myself." He knows it's a shitty excuse, but for some reason, she puts her hand on his face and tilts his head so he's looking at her.
"We're both sorry. We'll both try to be more understanding." She says, moving even closer until their bodies are touching.
"I love you too." He says before she can apologize or brush off anything else. "And I'm sorry that I ever made you feel like I didn't." He barely finishes talking before her lips are on his, and he smiles as he puts his hands on her hips and pulls her in closer.
//
tags: @avada-kedavra-bitch-187  @one-sweet-gubler
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astrxq · 8 months
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can you write more mindy meeks martin fluff please!! i loved ur playing cupid fluff, and i was just wondering if you could do a part two, or maybe just another story with mindy fluff! :)
lost and found
mindy meeks x fem!reader
words: 1.2k
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Chad had always been the romantic one; he had a deep love for romantic comedies. When they were younger, on movie nights, he would be the first to suggest watching a tooth-rotting romance. But Mindy... Mindy was different. She hated romance movies, always finding them unrealistic. Maybe because, deep down, she knew she related to them. Her first love was when she was 16, an unrequited and painful memory for her.
She wouldn't admit it to Chad if he asked, because why would he ask? They hadn't seen each other since they were 18, and it's not like they were particularly close friends. But now, at 19, your username was always at the top of Mindy's recent searches. Sometimes she couldn't stop herself from checking on you, seeing what was going on in your life.
Mindy's curiosity about your life was a guilty pleasure she indulged in secretly. She often found herself scrolling through your social media profiles, trying to piece together the fragments of your life since you were both teenagers. The irony wasn't lost on her — disliking romance yet finding herself drawn to the romance of your experiences, even from a distance. It was her little secret, a habit she kept hidden from all her friends, because it had been years since you unintentionally broke her heart.
So, when Chad initiated the topic of first loves because of his roommate going through a breakup, she felt the need to zone out, not to listen, because she related to what her brother was saying. "You can never really forget your first love, Ethan, but you'll move on, you'll be fine," he reassured. The curly-haired boy nodded along, his eyes distant as he stared down at his hands, lost in his own thoughts. Mindy's heart raced, and she tried her best to feign interest in the conversation, all the while wondering if Chad would ever bring up her own first crush again. After all, the past had a funny way of resurfacing at the most unexpected moments.
She felt Tara elbow her arm slightly, urging her to say something to the sad boy sitting across from her with Chad's arm draped over his shoulders in comfort. Mindy shrugged, not knowing how to contribute to the situation. She'd never really liked Ethan, always thinking there was something off about him.
"Say something," Tara whispered, eyeing Ethan as he rubbed his eye with the back of his hand, wiping away the single tear that had fallen. Mindy sighed, "I know things might seem tough right now, but Chad's right. You'll be fine, and you'll move on."
Lies.
She was lying to him, and he could tell. He looked at her as if he knew, as if he could read her like an open book. And suddenly, Mindy felt very small under Ethan's sad gaze. "Thanks, guys," he muttered, going back to staring down at his hands sadly. Mindy couldn't help but let out a shaky breath, relating too much to the friend she disliked.
She couldn't really sleep that night; her mind was clouded by the worry of never moving on. The digital traces of your life, the posts, the photos, they all served as constant reminders of something she wished she could forget. Tara groaned in frustration as Mindy tossed around again, "Go to sleep," she mumbled. "Sorry, roomie," Mindy whispered, finally standing from her bed. "I'm going on a walk." Tara hummed, too tired to listen, and falling back asleep. Mindy slipped out of her room and into the cool night air. She walked around the quiet streets for a while, not really knowing where she was going. Eventually, she found herself standing at a park bench, staring out at the stillness of an empty park. She looked down at her phone and sighed as she sat back in defeat.
"Mindy Meeks?"
She had to be imagining it. She had to be. The second your voice hit her ears, she sat up, looking at the figure standing a few feet away. It was you. You stood there, a faint smile on your face as you gazed at her. Only a year had passed, and you still looked the same, a familiar mix of comfort and unease settling within her.
"Oh my god! It's been so long," you chirped, taking a few steps closer to where Mindy sat. She managed a nervous smile, "Yeah, it really has," she replied, her voice a tad shaky.
You eyed the empty space next to her, “What are you doing in New York?” you asked, nervously fixing the strap of the bag on your shoulder. You’d always noticed Mindy in school, but the two of you had never really crossed paths beyond that; you admired her from afar.
Mindy cleared her throat, trying to steady her voice as she replied, "I'm here for college. Just moved here a little while ago."
“Oh, that’s so nice,” you cooed and smiled at her, so warm that Mindy felt like she was melting under your gaze. “Are you studying here too?” You shook your head, “Gap year, I have no idea what to do yet. I’m working just down the street.”
Mindy nodded, her heart racing as she processed the unexpected encounter. "That's cool," she managed to say, her mind racing to keep up with the conversation as she tried not to think too much about the fact that you looked even prettier.
You glanced around the park and then back at Mindy, a hint of curiosity in your eyes. “Am I... I’m sorry, are you waiting on somebody?”
Mindy's heart skipped a beat at your question, her mind racing for an answer. "Oh, no, I was just... taking a breather," she stammered, feeling her cheeks heat up slightly.
“I’ll leave you to it then,” you made a move to step away, kind of feeling like you intruded on her alone time. “We could catch up some other time? If you want.” You raised your eyebrows in hope, silently wishing for her to say yes, to finally let yourself feel for her. “Coffee?” you asked.
Mindy nodded, “Coffee sounds nice.” You breathed out a smile in delight. “Great! How about tomorrow afternoon? There's this cozy little café I know just a few blocks from here."
Mindy nodded, her heart pounding in her chest. "Tomorrow sounds perfect." She realized she was smiling too, unable to suppress her genuine happiness at the thought of seeing you again. You hummed, pushing your lips together in a tight smile as you prepared for your next question.
“It’s a date?”
"Yeah, it's a date," she managed to reply, her voice tinged with a shy smile. "I'll see you tomorrow then," you said, your own smile widening as you turned to leave. Mindy watched you walk away, her face starting to hurt from smiling so hard. Tara muttered a “shut up” as Mindy closed the front door to their dorm, and she shook fully awake once Mindy pulled the blanket off of her body. “Hey!”
“I have a date.”
“Huh?” Tara rubbed her eyes, trying to get used to the dim light of the hallway that Mindy had turned on
 just seconds before. “You just ask strangers on dates at... 4 am?”
Mindy pressed her lips together, motioning for her friend to scoot over and give her room to sit on the bed; Tara obliged. “It’s with Y/N.”
“What?!” Tara grinned, “Min, that’s so good!” She made a move to jump up and down excitedly. “She’s in New York? How did this even happen?” Tara asked as many questions as possible in less than a minute, making Mindy laugh as her friend shared the same excitement as her. “Just... go back to sleep, I’ll tell you in the morning.”
“Oh my god, why did you even wake me up then?” she groaned.
A few minutes passed, and Tara dramatically sighed out loud. “I can’t sleep now, can’t you just tell me?”
"Boo fucking hoo, Tara."
The excitement mixed with a hint of anxiety had Mindy’s stomach in knots. As she walked to the café, her thoughts were a whirlwind of what-ifs and hopes. She arrived a little early, finding a cozy corner table to sit at to wait for you, and she couldn't stop smiling, shying away when she saw her friends sitting at a table a bit far, pretending not to know what she was there for.
Minutes later, the door chimed, and there you were, entering the café with that same warm smile that made Mindy lose her mind for so long. Your eyes met hers, and her heart fluttered as you made your way over to her table.
"Hey," you said softly, your smile widening as you pulled out the chair across from her and took a seat. “You don’t know how long I’ve been wanting to do this,” you admitted. “I thought about texting you so many times, but after… well, you know. I didn’t know if it was the right time.” Mindy felt like her chest was going to explode at your words, realizing that maybe you’d wanted her just as much as she wanted you, that maybe her heartbreak was just in her head.
“I understand,” she said. She’d gotten too many texts after the stabbings, most of them still sitting unanswered in her inbox due to her being too overwhelmed to text back at the time. “I don’t really talk to anyone from school now. Well, aside from Tara and Chad.”
"Did all of you move here together?”
“Figured we should stick together,” Mindy added, biting the inside of her lip. “So, how have you been?” you asked, your eyes locked onto hers, the genuine interest in your gaze making her heart race.
"Pretty good," Mindy replied, trying to maintain her composure despite the fluttering in her chest. "College has its ups and downs, but I'm managing."
You chuckled softly, leaning back in your chair. "Gap year isn't as glamorous as it sounds. Work has me going to bed at nine." Mindy joined in on your giggle, knowing that college had also changed her sleep schedule. “Oh, I forgot to ask! What are you majoring in?”
“Film making, but I’m not sure if I wanna dedicate my life to it yet? I have to think about it.”
“Ah, you and your films,” you sighed, giving her a smile, “I remember my friends showing me that homemade one you made with Tara in seventh grade.”
“Oh! Don’t even mention it,” she cringed. “We even sent it to some producers we found online. I wouldn’t be surprised if they burned their laptops down after watching it; it was horrible.”
You laughed, thinking back to Tara’s ketchup-covered shirt and how, even though it was supposed to be a horror movie, you could hear Mindy’s giggles from behind the old phone camera. “Everyone at school loved it,” you admitted, “and it was adorable. I've always admired your creativity.”
Mindy felt like her chest was about to explode, and from the corner of her eye, she could see Chad giving her a smile and nodding at her, pretending to know what you two were talking about. "Well, I think I've improved a bit since then," she said, laughing softly.
You leaned forward, elbows on the table and a grin plastered on your face as you listened to Mindy, trying your hardest not to stare too much. “You could show me someday?” you suggested. Mindy nodded quickly before taking a long sip of her cup in nervousness. “Definitely, yeah. I could show you now if you want?”
“What? Like… in your dorm room?” Her offer caught you off guard, and you chuckled nervously. "Uh, sure, if you're up for it. I'd love to see your work." The prospect of spending more time with her excited you, even if it was just watching a film.
Without hesitation, Mindy stood from her chair and gave you another one of her smiles, signaling for you to stand up too. She reached for your hand the second you were next to her, making both of your chests feel heavier.
You let her practically drag you to the building, her being only two steps ahead of you as she excitedly showed you the way. Still holding onto your hand, she reached for the keys. You watched as she struggled to pick them into the lock, her excitement making her hands tremble. "Here we are," she said, finally managing to unlock the door and swing it open, revealing a modestly decorated dorm room.
As you stepped inside, the familiarity of the environment made you feel oddly comfortable. Mindy's room was neat and cozy, filled with posters of movies and a scattering of books across a small desk. You glanced around, taking in the intimate details that gave you a glimpse into her life.
"Make yourself at home, mi casa es tu casa," Mindy said, still holding your hand as she gestured toward the small seating area with a couch and a couple of bean bags. She released your hand with a soft smile before walking over to her desk and rifling through a pile of DVDs.
You settled onto the couch, taking in the surroundings as your heart raced with the proximity to her. Everything was color-coded; Tara’s side of the room was more purple-ish, with lilac pillows on the bed and a lavender throw blanket, while Mindy's side leaned towards warm shades of yellow and orange. There was a picture frame on the small table next to the couch. Mindy’s grin caught your attention, and you took your chance to give into your curiosity and looked at her friends. Chad had his arm around Tara’s much smaller frame, his mouth half curved into a smile while also kissing her head.
"I hope you're not expecting a masterpiece," she chuckled, sinking into the couch.
She held three DVDs in her hands, each with a different title scribbled on it with a black marker. You scooted closer to her, giving her a small smile, “I’m sure they’re great.”
You watched as Mindy moved to dim the lights and worked the DVD into the TV. “How come you use DVDs?” you asked.
“It's a bit nostalgic, I guess," Mindy replied as she settled back onto the couch. "Plus, I have a soft spot for physical copies.”
She pressed play before moving to sit down next to you, a redhead showing up on the screen.
 “That’s Quinn; she’s one of my friends,” she said.
As the film played, you found yourself drawn into the story, occasionally stealing glances at Mindy. She seemed just as captivated by her own creation, her eyes occasionally lighting up with pride at certain scenes. Her hand itched to hold yours, moving very slowly towards you.
Your hands finally brushed against each other on the couch. Mindy's heart raced at the touch, and she glanced at you with a shy smile. You looked back at her, your fingers brushing against hers once more, and this time, neither of you pulled away.
As the film’s credits came on the screen, the room was filled with a comfortable silence. Mindy turned to you, her eyes locking onto yours, and she felt a mixture of nervousness and excitement swirling within her. "So, what did you think?" she asked, her voice soft and hopeful.
You turned to her, your gaze unwavering. "I loved it," you admitted, "you're really talented, Mindy."
Her heart soared at your words, a rush of happiness flooding her. "Thank you," she whispered, a bashful smile playing on her lips.
Her hand reached out and gently intertwined your fingers with hers, a simple touch that held so much meaning.
Your breath caught in your throat at the intimacy of the gesture. You looked into her eyes, your heart pounding as you realized the connection you longed for was reciprocated.
The room seemed to fade away, leaving just the two of you in your own little world. You hesitated, thinking that maybe it was too early to make a move, but you took your chance and leaned in, closing the distance between you. Mindy's heart raced even faster. Your lips met in a soft, hesitant kiss, filled with the weight of years of unspoken emotions.
It was a gentle exploration, a tender acknowledgment of the feelings that had lingered beneath the surface for so long. And as you pulled away, a smile tugging at the corners of your lips, Mindy felt a warmth spreading through her chest.
“Maybe… maybe we should take things slow,” you suggested, pushing your lips together. Mindy chuckled.
“That sounds like a good idea," Mindy replied, her fingers still intertwined with yours. "I've waited this long; I can definitely be patient…”
“… We can still kiss, right? Cause I’d really like that. Like a lot.”
A laugh made its way out of you as you squeezed her hand. “Yeah, yeah.”
Mindy's heart fluttered with happiness at your words, and she leaned in for another sweet kiss, sealing your unspoken agreement to take things slow.
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d1xonss · 5 months
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Desert Rose
Chapter 14 ~ Thank you
✧ Pairing : Daryl Dixon x Rose
✧ Era : Season 2
✧ Word Count : 3.7k
In this chapter ~ Rose's boredom grows to be unbearable as she is advised to lay in bed and rest by the older man Hershel. However, it doesn't last as long as she assumes when she receives quite the unexpected present, and from the quiet archer no less.
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~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ ROSE POV *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I woke up the next morning with a lingering sting still present near my stomach, sore to the touch. But I quickly reminded myself that I had dealt with much worse in the past. This surely wasn't the first time I've been shot; being a cop clearly had its ups and downs. But all I wanted was to finally get up and out of this bed to help look for Sophia, however the pain in my side was surely preventing that much to my dismay.
Rick kept the promise he made and came in early this morning to check on me, and after reassuring him about fifty times that I was okay, he left to plan another search for Sophia. I knew in the back of my mind that he probably felt that he was to blame for what happened to me, so now he was trying to make up for it in every possible way. But in all honesty, it was just my dumbass standing too close to the animal. Still, I would much rather be in here rather than Carl who only stood inches away from the whole scene.
A sudden knock came from the other side of the door, snapping me out of my thoughts once it reached my ears.
"Come in." I called out softly.
The door opened, seeing Hershel pop his head in with a small smile, "Good morning. I just wanted to check a few things and give you these." he said holding up what looked like painkillers.
I smiled gratefully and took them, "Thank you."
He nodded before moving around to the other side of the bed, checking everything under the sun. My middle that was still bandaged up, my pulse to see if it was getting stronger, my head to see if I had a fever, and about five other things I didn't understand. He worked thoroughly and quietly, making sure everything was feeling okay by me before nodding silently to himself.
"Well, it seems like you are doing a lot better. I can go ahead and take this IV out of you now." he said as he carefully moved towards my arm.
"Thank God. Can I finally get out of this bed?" I asked him.
He chuckled a little to himself, "You act as if you've been in this bed for weeks."
I scoffed a little, "Yeah, well that's what it feels like. I am not the type of person to sit still." I replied.
"Well, let's just wait until the painkillers kick in. Your body went through a lot the past few days and you need time to heal. But later in the day if you're feeling up to it you can go outside, but don't do anything too active." he advised, removing the small needle from my arm.
I tried not to uncomfortably squirm as I looked away from the area, "I'm telling you right now, being in this bed all day hurts worse than the actual shot."
I felt him place a small bandage over the spot where it started to bleed, looking back up at him in time to see a thin lipped smile cross his face, "Rick mentioned you were stubborn."
My mouth dropped slightly. What an asshole. But the older man didn't say anything else as he quietly left the room. So, Rick was talking some shit about me behind my back to people that I hardly knew. Awesome.
I sighed and leaned my head back to stare at the ceiling, counting the small specks of paint that made little patterns in different places. This felt like torture. I hated feeling trapped and I was itching to go outside and feel the sun on my skin. Getting some fresh air would be nice and it would also be nice to know actually where the hell I was instead of being briefly told that I was on some farm.
But I found myself just sitting alone in the silence with nothing to do because I forgot to ask Glenn to grab my stuff when he was here last night. The last thing I needed right now was more sleep, and all I really wished for was something to keep myself busy if I wasn't allowed to leave for a while. What I would give right now for my notebook.
I was then pulled out of my small trance once more when another knock came, revealing Daryl as he slowly entered the room. Though I couldn't help but notice he obviously had something hidden behind his back.
"Hey, yer up." he stated while lingering near the door.
"Wow, thanks Captain Obvious." I replied, smiling sarcastically.
He gave me a small glare in return, still just standing by the door shifting uncomfortably like the thing in his hands was weighing him down heavily.
"I don't bite," I said jokingly, "Come over here."
His eyes met with mine again as he nodded small, hesitantly making his way over to me once he knew it was okay, sitting down on the edge of the chair with his hands still behind his back. He looked nervous, so I immediately assumed something was wrong.
"You okay? What are you hiding from me?" I asked to try and lighten the mood.
He cleared his throat, "Well, I uh...I brought ya some stuff." he admitted quietly.
My eyebrows raised in amusement, "More flowers?" I asked.
His cheeks instantly flushed red while he avoided my eyes yet again. I hadn't forgotten the conversation we had before Carl came into the room yesterday, but I didn't want to bring it up again. He seemed to not be completely comfortable talking about it, so I just let it be.
"Nah, some other stuff." he said while pulling something out from behind him. I instantly recognized this as two of the books I took from the CDC, feeling myself smile warmly at the sight.
"I noticed ya didn't have anything in here to keep ya busy while you rest so...yeah." he spoke.
I took them from his hands, "Thank you, that's very sweet of you." I said before putting the books down on the nightstand, right next to the Cherokee rose that now stood tall in a glass of water.
Turning back to face him again, his hands were still behind his back, "You have something else?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.
"Uh yeah...it was something I found when we were lookin through them cars on the highway. I didn't know when to give it to ya, but I figured you'd be bored in here so..." he trailed off.
I waited patiently for him to reveal whatever he had to show me with a smile on my face. I couldn't bring myself to understand why he was so nervous. I thought it was about the sweetest thing in the work he thought to bring me things while I was stuck in here.
He then slowly brought his hands out from behind his back to reveal a real sketchbook. My smile disappeared from my face as I stared at it with wide eyes trying to figure out how he managed to find one. I had been looking for one since the beginning and couldn't seem to find one anywhere because apparently, they're scarce in the apocalypse or something.
I slowly took it from his hands as I examined the cover of it thoroughly, running my hand over the smooth surface. It looked almost brand new.
"I also found these," he said as he handed me a fresh watercolor palette, "I found em in the same car, they must have liked to draw and shit too." he finished while I slowly took the paints from him as well.
I almost couldn't believe the things he sought out just for me, truly at a loss for words. But I could easily tell that my silence was starting to worry him, because he then began to ramble.
"I just uh...thought...you would like em. If ya don't like it, it's okay, I can take it back. Glenn said somethin bout how ya said you were lookin for a new sketchbook or somethin and when I saw it, I just grabbed it in case ya wanted it but-"
I then quickly cut him off and discarded the new things, wrapping my arms around his neck and bringing him into a hug. He was clearly shocked at my actions because he stopped talking completely and his muscles tensed like he had just been burned. But then he soon started to relax after a few long seconds and began to hug me back, placing his hands hesitantly around my waist.
Not letting go of him, I whispered, "Thank you, thank you, thank you." however many times I could. Wanting him to know how much I truly loved it.
Eventually I let go of him after giving him one final squeeze, pulling away to see his face. He was smiling shyly, with his ears turning a bright red as he huffed out an awkward laugh.
I looked back down at the supplies once more to admire them, "I love them Daryl, thank you so much." I spoke gratefully. 
He smiled even wider, "No problem." he muttered.
I paused as an idea suddenly came to me, "Well now, since you got this for me you have to tell me the first thing I paint in here."
He sat there for a minute thinking before shrugging as if it was too hard to decide, "I dunno, yer the artist." he smirked.
"Just whatever comes to mind." I replied.
He thought about it again as he rubbed his hands together nervously before an idea came to him, "How bout the house?"
"Yeah," I nodded, "I could do that later when Hershel actually lets me leave this room." I joked.
He chuckled before nodding his head, "Alright, well...I gotta head out and look for Sophia some more, but I wanted to see ya before I left."
"Oh yeah, yeah of course, just be careful out there okay?"
He gave a small smile, "Always am."
Nodding my head, I watched him get up and begin to head towards the door, stopping once I called his name just one last time. "Thank you again, it really means a lot to me." I told him.
He winked back at me before turning to head out of the room, shutting the door quietly behind him. I let out a breath of air I didn't realize I was holding in, flopping back on the bed as my heart raced in my chest. I lifted my left arm up to check and see if I was having a heart attack. I wasn't. It might've just been a certain man making me feel all giddy inside like a goddamn teenager.
But I merely scoffed to myself at the thought, knowing there was absolutely no way he felt the same.
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My eyes flew through chapters and chapters of books but nothing was curing the utter boredom that I was feeling inside this stuffy room. I placed the book down with a slam on the bedside table before swinging my legs over the side of the bed at an attempt to stand. Hershel didn't give me the okay, but hours had passed and the painkillers were working, leaving me feeling much better for the most part so fuck it.
Slowly and hesitantly walking outside past the screen door, I tilted my head up and let the sunshine hit my face, it felt nice, refreshing after not being able to get out. My eyes then opened and gazed upon my surroundings, the acres of land, noticing this place was really beautiful. I would have a lot of fun painting this. The ideas only flowing the longer I stood on the porch.
But my attention was quickly drawn to my left after a moment or two, noticing Maggie and Glenn having a quiet conversation together. Their hushed whispers seemed almost harsh, but I couldn't make out what they were saying from where I stood. Though it didn't last long before Maggie started to walk away towards me, with Glenn looking defeated from behind her.
Her expression seemed to brighten when she caught sight of me out and about, a smile forming on her face as she approached. "Hey, you're up! How are you feeling?" she asked.
"Painkillers really work wonders." I replied.
She laughed at that and nodded her head, "Oh I bet. But actually I'm glad I got a chance to see you. I gotta run and finish these chores, but when I'm done do you want to maybe...hangout?" she asked me.
I smiled at her and nodded, "Yeah, yeah I would like that."
She smiled back, "Great, I'll see ya later." she said before walking off towards the barn.
Turning back to look at Glenn, he had a confused and upset look on his face as he followed Maggie's retreating figure with his eyes. His eyebrows were furrowed in concern as he was clearly replaying the conversation over and over again in his mind.
I found myself walking over and taking a seat next to him, nudging his shoulder with mine. "What's wrong?" I asked.
He looked over at me and gave me a small smile before shaking his head, "Nothing."
I narrowed my eyes at him, "Don't lie to me."
He sighed, "Okay...okay. This is what I was going to tell you last night but everyone was there so I couldn't... so you know how Maggie and I went out on that run?"
"No, I think I was still unconscious for that part." I deadpanned.
"Oh right, sorry." he muttered before continuing, "Well, Maggie said that they needed more medical supplies because they were running low, and so she asked me to come into town because Rick recommended I go with her. Anyway, we get there, and everything is going fine, and I pick up something that I needed but she came around the corner and I panicked. So I dropped the thing I actually needed and picked up condoms on accident." he rambled.
I was silent for a few seconds as I stared at him, "Okay, I'm really confused as to where this is going."
"Oh, I'm getting to the weird part don't worry. So, I'm holding the condoms and then she asked me if she was sure, you and I weren't together since I was getting the condoms-"
"Woah, what?" I asked.
"Oh yeah, she asked if we were together because I came to see you when you were still passed out. Anyway I said no, that we were just friends and then all of a sudden, she offered to have sex with me."
I waited for him to say more as he gestured wildly with his hands, but I got nothing in return. "So...did you have sex with her?" I asked him.
"...Yeah," he responded.
"Okay, you got laid. I'm failing to see the problem here." I said.
He sighed, "The problem is, she doesn't actually like me. We just finished talking about it when you came outside."
My lips pulled together in a sympathetic smile as he just hung his head, "Glenn, I'm sorry." I said while wrapping one of my arms around his shoulders, pulling him into a side hug.
He hugged me back tight, squeezing me slightly before I hissed out in pain the minute I felt an excruciating pain in my side. He let go of me immediately and looked at me in shock, "Sorry, shit I'm sorry." he apologized quickly.
I waved him off, "No, you're good." I breathed while gently smoothing my hand over the bandage.
He sighed again and let a few moments of silence pass us before shrugging, "I just don't know what to do."
My eyes glanced back towards his face, seeing how much this was truly affecting him. "...Just give it time hon, I'm sure she'll come around." I assured.
He gave me a small smile and nodded before the conversation ventured off to talk about some other things to get his mind off of Maggie. I hoped they could work it out because I could see how this was slightly hurting him. Even though he didn't know her very well, he still had some feelings for her while she claimed to have none whatsoever.
Although the longer we spoke, the more I could tell he had something else on his mind, something else that was bothering him. I didn't ask though, if he wanted to tell me, he would when he was ready. That is one thing I didn't like to do to anyone. I absolutely hated to pry. If the person truly wanted to tell you, they would when the time was right. All I could do right now for him was listen, seeming to be the one thing he needed from me the most.
Though after a little while we split off as I eventually ventured further away from the house to start working on the painting that Daryl suggested. I walked a little further out towards the tents where everyone was staying at the moment to get a better full view of everything, briefly seeing Lori standing there hanging up some laundry to dry. I smiled at her as I passed, but then stopped myself and backtracked, wanting to properly do something I should've done last night.
"Hey Lori?" I said as I walked back over towards her.
"Yeah?" she responded as she hung up another shirt, clipping it in place.
"I never got a chance to say thank you."
Her brows furrowed, "Thank me? For what?"
"For giving me that blood transfusion," I said simply, "I know it was really important, and...I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you."
She stopped there for a second as her expression softened, before walking over to me and giving me a hug. I almost didn't expect her sudden actions, but smiled a little to myself as I wrapped my arms around her.
"You're welcome honey. I'm so glad I could help you." she said while pulling away. "It's good to see you up and moving already." she pointed out.
"I was going stir crazy in that small ass room." I joked, "But hey, if you see Hershel, you didn't see me out here at all." I finished with a wink.
She nodded as she raised her hand up to zip her lips shut without saying another word. I smiled at her again gratefully before heading back to the perfect spot to start on my painting.
This seemed to be the exact moment I realized how truly beautiful this house was, the way the sun was hitting it was making it even prettier. I started with a sketch of the structure to get the basic idea and started painting the plants around the exterior first, adding different shades of green to the grass below. The light purple flowers popping up around the area gave the whole thing an even more perfect effect as I added those in as well.
I even made sure to add the line of fences in the background, not wanting to miss a single detail as my eyes glanced back and forth between the page and the surroundings. Feeling myself get lost in focus only made me remember how much I loved to do this. It was a good distraction and something I would surely love for the rest of my life, calming me in a certain way I wasn't able to explain.
I was working for a good long while before I felt someone walking up to me, looking back up to see it was Maggie coming at me with a smile on her face.
"Hey," she greeted while taking a seat next to me, "What are you painting? The house?" she asked, looking over my shoulder.
"Yeah, Daryl gave me the suggestion and I thought it was a pretty good idea." I said as I turned the paper so she could get a better look.
She smirked and nodded her head without saying anything, though I quickly noticed the look on her face, "What?" I asked.
"Nothing," she shrugged, "He's just so soft with you."
My eyes narrowed, "Huh?" I asked as if I couldn't understand.
She laughed at my blank expression, "I said he's soft with you. Just today he was snapping at people and telling them off, but when he's with you he smiles, he actually laughs, and gives you presents..." she trailed off.
My eyes glanced down at the sketchbook before turning back to her, "So you were eavesdropping?" I asked.
"No, not eavesdropping." she quickly defended, "I just happened to be passing by." she said, smiling innocently.
"Uh huh." I muttered, going back to painting as I attempted to ignore her suggestive eyes.
"I'm just saying, when you hadn't woken up yet, he was real worried about you. We all saw it." she said.
"You're preaching to the choir, believe me," I stated, "But everyone was kind of worried, I don't plan on reading too much into that."
"Okay that's fair...but I personally think it was something a little more than that." she told me.
"Whatever you say."
I then seemed to quickly change the subject, getting to know her more while I continued to paint the house. Although, I was a little surprised when she told me herself about what happened with Glenn, but I pretended I didn't know a thing as I listened to a different perspective. She then told me that the whole experience was eleven minutes of her life she was never going to get back, and that made me laugh louder than it probably should.
I knew this was hard for Glenn but for some reason I had a feeling it was all going to work out okay. She was actually very sweet, and I knew she would come around and love Glenn just like the rest of us did.
But after a while she then had to go off with her sister to do some more stuff around the house, and told me we would talk more later which I was looking forward to. I liked her, and we already got along much better than I ever expected.
Though after she left, my mind seemingly wandered back to Daryl. I couldn't help but think about how nice it was of him to get me these things just because he figured out how badly I had been wanting them. And if that wasn't bad enough, Maggie's words also seemed to replay a bit in my mind no matter how much I didn't want them to.
I had to agree, he was a little different around me then he was with anyone else, but I always assumed it was because I actually knew how to talk to him and when to give him his space. But I liked the kind of relationship we had; he was just a great person to have around I've come to find out. I just really hoped he was being safe out there.
~ Thanks for reading!
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aliceinclockland · 11 months
Text
Cardcaptor Magicians and their Ceremonial Clothings
Welcome to Episode one of my random Cardcaptor Blabberings (or blabblecaptor— it's a working tag title), a "series" where I talk about random Cardcaptor things without doing that much deep diving because I hate too much research.
Since I'm notorious for starting things and not being consistent to the point of not even continuing what I started, let's see how this one goes. 😆 I'm also bad at words so wish me luck.
I'd like to start this off by saying 2 things:
this all started because I saw Sakura's pointy hat and got reminded by Kaito's ceremonial robe... then got reminded of Eriol's robe right after.
this isn't a serious analyzation of their outfits, given the reason i wanted to blabber about this is their pointy hats. also I'm more of a Nadeshiko when it comes to fashion: so far from the word 💀
Lastly, take this as a silly post while I try to learn how Tumblr works. I don't want people to use this as a source (or anything similar) because at the end of the day, this is all just silly typings of someone who excels in associating the most random stuff with each other without being able to explain why.
With all of that out of the way, Let's get started!
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lold what i said earlier, the moment i saw Sakura's color page in Chapter 74 my mind went straight into Kaito's robe, and when my brain went to remind me of Kaito's ceremonial robe colored page, it immediately went to Eriol, and then started to compare the three, asking myself about their similarities aside from the initial idea of this entire post, the pointy hats.
starting off with the robes, all 3 of them have their attires in the color black. idk why it's like that, but it makes the gold in their clothing shine more i guess 😆
the patterns the clothings have also are (mostly. just in case if there's a part where it's not) symmetrical, visibly seen within the designs on the torso parts (in this case, Eriol & Sakura's chest (?) part, and Yuna D. Kaito's back). I could say it's the magicians' insignia but just in case it's not I'll just say symmetrical symbols 😅
but, surely that's not the only similarities, right?
well, aside from the pointy hats™ and the color scheme & patterns their robes have, I also realized that they're also all powerful magicians~
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Eriol is Clow's reincarnation, and according to various Cardcaptor characters, he (Clow) was the most powerful magician to ever exist (but also the most fucked up one as well, i guess.)
Given that Clow's reincarnation were 2 people (he thought he could divide his magical abilities between them), Eriol still (unfortunately) got all of the magic, and most of Clow's memories, literally passing down his title of being the most powerful magician onto Eriol.
This manchild can do lots of things, and his memory of his past life helps him excel in some of everyday skills a "normal child" would struggle with (ie. baking, drawing, sewing, speaking a language, etc). But, no one knows that— not even Sakura until he told her that himself.
also I'd like to point out the fact that despite a lot of his robe's designs were in gold (color, who knows if it's really gold? I don't.), the lining of his outfit is in red.
not sure if Clow's robe is similar (if not the same) or anything but if it is, has his robe been passed down from generations before him? and if so, which side of Clow's family was the robe from?
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Yuna D. Kaito is also a powerful magician— in fact, one of (if not the) highest ranks in the Magical Association. (that's the D. in his name— it wasn't his middle name and in fact, Yuna D. Kaito probably isn't his real name) He can do lots of things, but he specializes in Time Magic... which is considered a taboo since you'll get a fucked up alternative world when YOU fucked up using that kind of magic... and also a shorter life-span but let's not delve much into that so this post won't go to the depressing direction 😁
And in regards of his robe, one can argue that the robe isn't really exclusively HIS, since you can see in the picture I've used that there are other people with him wearing the same clothing (assuming it's his clan's) so i suggest burning their headquarters down to ashes to make it YDK's own robe 😆😆
note: a kind friend in the comments pointed out my mistake of associating Yuna D. Kaito and Lilie Shinomoto's clans as one: their clans differ from each other. Yuna D. Kaito's in particular are a congregation of magicians that aren't blood-related and are officially referred to as "Magic Association".
i have no idea what to call his or Lilie's clans yet, but for now I'll refer to those as their respective clans 😅
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Now onto the main Protagonist of the series: Sakura Kinomoto. In Tomoyo's words, "The only Cardcaptor in the world"
Started as a girl that had little magic that managed to grew stronger and stronger, then now having one of the abilities Clow had— creating cards (or new magic) on her own.
Though one can argue that she won't be able to do that if Yuna D. Kaito wasn't pulling the strings in the background, keep in mind that Momo said she saw right past Eriol's magic protection [to contain Sakura's magic]. Plus, in the Sakura Arc (where she technically created new cards but under a "template"), Eriol was pulling the strings as well and yet her powers still managed to grow, probably beyond people's expectations.
Her ever-growing power might be hard to control for her, but she's doing her best to utilize it in protecting the ones she cherishes the most.
Now the upcoming argument about Sakura's"ceremonial attire"... well, technically Sakura doesn't have one, and you can't really call that outfit a robe, but most of the details in a ceremonial robe (at least CLAMP's robes) present: the neutral color, the symmetrical design, and the gold lining/design.
I like to consider it her own ceremonial robe— made in a very fitting and unique image of Sakura, that only she will wear.
speaking of different, there are other powerful magicians that doesn't follow the same "ceremonial outfit" pattern so I thought I'd show them too!
here we have the Shinomoto Ceremonial Outfit, worn by the beautiful Akiho Shinomoto in this color page!
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sorry about the picture if it's not clean... i tried so hard to find a textless one (same as yuna d. kaito) but unfortunately I couldn't.
now about the details aside from the pointy hat: the neutral color + gold lining & symmetrical detail scheme is there, but the difference with the 1st three and their robe is that the neutral color used with the Shinomotos' were white, as opposed to the first three who used black.
i know you've seen this already but since I'm talking about Lilie here in specifics I'd like to put this here are well: a kind friend in the comments pointed out my mistake of associating Yuna D. Kaito and Lilie Shinomoto's clans as one: their clans differ from each other, and that Lilie's (though only officially referred to as "most ancient magician clan in Europe") clan is blood-related, as opposed to Yuna D. Kaito's.
again, no idea what I'll call their respective clans separately yet, so I'll probably refer to them as their respective clans for now— though i have a few ideas xd
another difference is that the hat may be a bit pointy, but it's not as pointy as the three, and that the hat has three pointy things instead of just one.... okay, maybe not that pointy, but, still pointy 😅
okay that's too many pointy, let's get back on track 😁
the difference is blatantly obvious about this one, and I really can't cross Lilie Shinomoto out from one of the most powerful magicians CCS has ever introduced, since she had strong premonition powers and she was also considered a very powerful magician that's feared within Yuna D. Kaito's Clan. I mean it would take lots of powerful magic to be even able to cross time and dreams for that long just to tell Sakura about the truth in their (now fabricated) timeline?
but i wonder why is their robe different than the others?
we'll get back to that later, if i remember it. 😆
speaking of pointy hats™, you know a magician who doesn't have a pointy hat?
He's none other than Li Clan's next leader and Sakura's most important person, Syaoran Li!
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one can never talk about ceremonial outfits without remembering Syaoran's iconic ceremonial outfits! with S because he has two— 1st one (in the pictures) being the original clothing he has, and the 2nd one Tomoyo made for him that was inspired by the one he used to have.
our little wolf is special~ from being Sakura's rival in the Clow Card Arc to being Sakura's most important person? He has learned so much and grew stronger along the way.
now about the details: his clothing doesn't really follow the usual attire pattern: the dominant color of his robe is green, the designs are indeed symmetrical, but the linings are both orange and yellow instead of the usual neutral pallete... his hat also doesn't have a pointy thing on it and instead has a hanging detail on the back.
"what about the attire Tomoyo made for him? it has 2 pointy things!" yeah well you're right, and as much as I gave the effort to add his Clear Card arc ceremonial outfit, I'm realizing now that it's not really an official robe now, is it...
about the clear card ceremonial attire, one can argue the same thing as they thought about Sakura while reading this blabber (if anyone has gotten though this far), "That isn't even a ceremonial ROBE". and you're right, it isn't... since it was Tomoyo's work, inspired from the original one. 😅
so think of it the same way as Sakura— made in the fitting and unique image of Syaoran, that only he could wear.
I guess the main couple of the series have that one as a similarity in regards to this random topic I've thought about. 💚
sooooooo what does this mean? why is his so different than the others?
is he not as powerful as the ones listed?
well. probably.
but he's not entirely powerless— his entire bloodline is directly related to Clow, and in addition, his mother Yelan Li is also a powerful sorceress. So they're powerful.
I mean would the Li Clan even let someone not as powerful as Yelan to be the next in line to lead? Of course not, since being able to have magic and to be able to properly control it are probably some basic requirements to be even considered as a candidate.
But in CCS at the moment, his magic wasn't enough to turn all of the Sakura Cards into those little orbs he kept on his compass. He's even having a hard time converting just one. And if I remember this correctly, he was aided by her mother (by casting the magic he needed in the bears) when he snatched the Sakura Cards from their master.
I'd say he's not as powerful NOW probably because everything happened too fast, and that he didn't have much time to make his magic stronger to get at least within Sakura's power level. Besides, he has lots of potential, and we all know he's a strong one so it's about just a matter of time until he reach his full power.
Now this entire post got me thinking about things as I was typing it.
Mostly they're questions I had to ask, like "okay, now what?" "Why did I do this?" especially because the original plan i had was to only have Eriol, Yuna D. Kaito & Sakura here but I thought I'd be unfair to the Lilie & Akiho, and Syaoran since they both have their own as well...
I really didn't think that one through when I started typing, but the more I think of things to type, the more I asked myself, is the ceremonial clothing an indicator of how powerful you are?
and it's probably a "duh." moment, since the ones who have robes are part of clans AND are also powerful.
(note that Clow was from a union of a European Magician AND an Asian Magician so imo- technically he's still part of BOTH clans, if each of his parents were part of one)
it's probably more of "if you're in an association with lots of other magicians", considering the fact that some of the ceremonial clothings were passed down to the living blood-relative of the family— hence why Sakura doesn't have one and the rest has.
though eriol with that ceremonial outfit can be a bit questionable since he's a reincarnation n stuff, and so far I don't remember ERIOL (capitalized bc I've been linking him to Clow, but I'm talking abt him as JUST him) being part of a clan since he worked independently (as far as I can remember), from what I can recall it was mentioned in the anime that the ceremonial clothing resembled Clow's... correct me if I'm wrong, though.
with the additional input i got from Cinzia (the friend who also pointed out the difference between Akiho's & Yuna D. Kaito's clans),
I also now wonder if the colors used in their robes reflect their intentions? or, since Lilie & Akiho's clan has been around for ages, how long their bloodline has existed?
because if it's the former, then it really won't make sense for Sakura & Eriol (though Eriol is once again, questionable... since his previous body as Clow isn't particularly... good nor he is also evil— at least from my perspective), and the latter makes more sense in general.
another one question i have is the explanation for Meiling's ceremonial clothing? like do they give different styles of ceremonial clothes in the Li Clan based on your gender? your magical abilities? or how closely-related you are to whoever leads the clan? i mean, i know she's an anime-exclusive character but I still want to know because I'm curious...
lastly, i wonder if Nadeshiko has one... since she is also a powerful person (she really doesn't do much sorcery stuff as far as i can remember), though the extent of her magic is unclear like Lilie, it's clear that she's also powerful because she can still do lots of things even after life.
IF you're one of the few people who finished reading this i just want to say thank you, and i hope everything made sense since i am very bad at explaining my thoughts 😭.
I think that's it, my brain is tired now and i want to go back to sleep again so good day to everyone and until next time, if there will ever be a next time 😆
and, cut! 🎬
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axailslink · 1 year
Note
I just realized I forgot to add the character lol
“There was love”- Alex Isley
And the character is riri
Is there still love?
Riri Williams x poc FEM reader
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Summary: a fanfic based on the song "There was love" by Alex Isley in which Riri and the reader have recently broken up and they're acting as if they don't know each other but it's really hard when Riri and the reader know just how much they loved each other.
As you're in bed all your mind can do is replay the events of last week the yelling, the pushing and the cursing it was one hell of an event. You remember it a bit too well you want to forget and just remember the good moments of eating ramen because that's all you could afford or dancing with her mom because you were the only girl she liked. You can't deal with this but you can't sulk either you have class in fifteen and you're still in your pajamas. Even as you shower and get dressed all you can think of is her and how you wish you could mend the relationship but it's been a week you're long past mending and healing. When you arrive at your lecture you don't even bother to look in her direction because why would you? It's over you both are better off this way heartbroken and wishing for what you had in the past.
The lecture seems as if it's half the day when it's finally finished you grab your things only to see Riri standing right behind you with the bracelet you bought for her "I'm not taking that" you grab your bag and she sighs "please I can't keep it it's a reminder of you" "Riri I'm not taking back the gift I gave you I want you to have it even if we aren't together." She sighs again but this one is shaky as she breathes out and you can tell she's on the verge of tears. "Take the fucking bracelet" she adverts her gaze to your hands and shoves it in them when she looks back up at you her eyes are glassy and you almost break right there. She doesn't give you enough time to have a reaction as she hurriedly walks away. She'd given you back everything your hoodies your gifts but this one hurt the most. She never took this bracelet off she loved this bracelet it meant so much to her and this was the end you knew this was the end. She wouldn't have given this bracelet up if it was the last thing that could save her life in an apocalypse.
You can't. You just can't let her block you out completely like she did everyone else you can't become a nobody in her eyes not when you've seen all of her and loved all of her you wouldn't dare go back to being a nobody. You grab your things and follow her to her dorm before she can close the door you push past and close it for her "no Riri hell no! Okay I fucked up I did I lied I admit that but you can't just forget me you can't lock those feelings away" you grab her hand and she glares at your hand but she doesn't move "I only asked one thing of you and it was to never lie to me and you did it anyways! You lied to me!" You grab both hands now "I lied for your safety I knew you'd hate me but I lied for your safety! People want you dead...People want Ironheart dead and honestly truth be told fuck Ironheart but I love my girlfriend more anything in this world and if she is Ironheart I damn sure wouldn't let the world know it. I'd lie millions of times for you." She gasps at these words "you know?" You shrug "do you think I'm stupid? I can recognize you from your choice of words Riri you stopped showing up at a certain time, you came to your dorm tired, you had bruises, when Ironheart was being spotted you were gone it wasn't that hard to put 2 and 2 together. I lied to you for you! So hate me so fucking be it but I lied I ruined us for your safety. So keep the damn bracelet because you will not forget me or the love we shared. I love you and I will never stop loving you." You let your hands embrace her face as you stare at her tear stricken face you know better but you can't help yourself as you plant a kiss on her lips she kisses back immediately missing your touch. "I'm sorry I'm so sorry baby I would never lie to you if I didn't have to" she nods "I know." When you both pull apart you both have tears in your eyes "I know there was love once but is there still love?" You let your hand gently keep her near you as it holds her securely close to you as it lays on her lower back. "I don't know." It's a heartbreak but you understand as you nod and pull away. "Don't leave me..." You nod "I would never" you sit on her bed and pat the empty space beside you. "I would never."
A/n: this got a bit sad 😭 sorry
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ricciardosgirl · 5 months
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always an angel ,
never a 𝖌𝖔𝖉.
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felix river catton.
𝔱𝖍𝔢 𝖌𝔬𝖉.
I.
" he was right. river is quite silly. but i suppose you don't pick your child's name imagining one day you'll think about what it will look like carved on a headstone. choose a font . . "
life after the death of a god.
saltburn spoilers. 🍷
trigger warnings ; mentions of death , slight sexual themes.
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oh felix . . beautiful , beautiful felix. not a day goes by that oilver doesn't think about him. his one true love — his one true lust. he misses him , somewhat. life after felix catton hasn't been the same. it seems like farleigh was right. he's clinging onto that one summer , jacking off to the former feeling.
he just can't help himself.
it's been years since saltburn , and oliver cannot get it out of his mind. that time — that place. the people. felix. oh . . oh felix.
he loved him , hated him , despised him , lusted for him , loved him , loved him , hated him. killed him.
what is he to do now ? sit and rot for years to come? that's what he's been doing. after saltburn everything changed — he thought it would be for the better but it's just for the worst. now he knows how poor dear pamela felt.
he clings onto the final moments with felix , the silence , the sound of felix's breath on his skin. i don't know what you are , but i do know that you make my fucking blood run cold.
farleigh was right. oliver may have just been one of felix's pets but felix was more than that to oliver. oliver was a bashful stray dog that felix adopted , fed , and shaped into the dog he is today. he's rabid , almost as if he's infested with rabies.
he goes feral for the past , always rutting onto his bed sheets like a dog in heat. oh how he wishes thing's could've ended better. in truth , felix didn't have to die. but at that point and time oliver thought it would be for the best. but something within him . . regrets it.
everyone moved on — but he stayed there.
farleigh moved on , back to america he trotted to collect his bearings and move on. he's relatively the same . . just alone. after saltburn he has become unable to get close to anyone. unable to make friends - make love , anything. he's a hallow shell of a man now. farleigh still visits the family grave every year.
meanwhile , oliver does not. oliver sulks alone in his bed most days. sobbing like a rotten child into his bedsheet pretending that felix is there coddling him. oliver cannot move on from that time and place. he thinks about it too much. he thinks about the beautiful venetia , and how it was such a shame how it ended with her. but those words , what she called him - everything. he remembers them all.
oliver has to remind himself most days to do everyday normal human things — he has to remind himself that he's still living in breathing while felix's corpse is well past decomposition. felix is a pile of bones whilst oliver is still breathing. it feels wrong.
oliver wasn't meant for this world , oliver wasn't really meant for anything. he should've just went back to the factory where they made olivers. maybe one day he'll come to terms with what happened that summer.
but as the summers pass on and on , he grows older and older . . things don't change. he's feelings don't change. he truly never grew up after saltburn. deep down he's still that nineteen year old oxford boy.
what is he to do now other than rot alongside his long lost love. he deserves it after all. oliver fucking quick isn't meant for anything but death.
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mins-fins · 10 months
Text
❛ spring breeze ❜ — kim taerae
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| synopsis . . . if there was one thing y/n knew, it was that he was mortifyingly in love with kim taerae, the same kim taerae who is an entirely different group.
| tags . . . kim taerae x m!reader , reader is apart of wakeonez ensemble , and is also mortifyingly in love with taerae , the feelings are returned , pretty angsty , only fluff at end , so sorry for this
| warnings . . . mentions of depression, slight mentions of fainting.
| moni (@taerrrrrae) wished to be tagged, your wish is my command :)
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for the past few days, y/n has been absolutely hopeless.
it's been almost a month since the end of boys planet, yet he still curses at himself for not winning, for disappointing not only himself but everyone who rooted for him as well. he can't process the fact that he didn't make it.
he didn't make it, but taerae did.
he remembers taerae simply falling into his arms, immediately clutching onto his shirt, y/n had told him that he was proud of him, tears still clinging to his eyes as he told him that he'll miss him, that he loves him, that he hopes to see him again around the wakeone building.
he really cursed himself with those words didn't he?
y/n loves each of his fellow wakeone trainees, don't get him wrong, but it's always been different with taerae. they've always been particularly close, having known each other even before auditioning for wakeone.
they seemed to be attached by the hip, doing pretty much almost everything together. y/n would always offer to help him when he didn't get a certain move during practice, but then they would end up giggling about stupid stuff for four whole hours.
they simply fit together, like the two final pieces of a puzzle.
too bad the universe didn't agree.
y/n swore he wasn't gonna cry, really, but then taerae mentioned him in his speech and he broke down into tears. he cried into his hand the whole time, devastated.
it's probably his fault for deciding to join a survival show.
y/n can't escape the image of taerae, pretty pretty taerae, his eyes shining as he stared at him with so much love, appreciation.
he will never forget the small whisper. taerae pulling him into a hug and whispering a small; "i love you" before he walked up the stairs, winning sixth place.
he can't get rid of the absolute disappointment he feels for not debuting.
the days after were horrible, he simply can't do anything without being reminded of taerae. the two of them are still friends, obviously, but everything is so different, because now he's no longer with him.
he can't do anything without hearing his voice, his pretty voice, his guitar strumming as he sings, like he always used to do when they were trainees.
it's like y/n is there, but he isn't, he's just constantly in a state of disassociation, listening to his friends speak but not really hearing their words, speaking but not really making sense.
trust and believe, y/n has tried, but he can't bring himself to talk to taerae. this makes no sense, because they always talk so effortlessly, but every time he sees him around the wakeone building, he freezes and immediately walks away.
he could text him, yeah, but he always gets nervous whenever he opens his contacts list and sees taerae's number.
he hates it, he hates this problem he's having.
he feels like an idiot, a fucking idiot. after everything he did, all the training, all the scolding, all the bullying, all of those times he collapsed from overworking himself, and he couldn't debut.
he's cried so much in the past few days that he feels as if he physically can't anymore.
it's clear that hanbin wants to say something, but whenever he tries to bring it up, y/n just lies, giving a fake smile then locking himself in his room for three hours.
everybody notices the spiral of depression that y/n is currently falling down. he never talks anymore, instead resorting to chewing on his nails, he always fidgets, doesn't sleep properly, doesn't even like eating.
it's safe to say, he's been a mess.
he sometimes just spends all day in his room, none of the wakeone trainees wanting to go in because he's just gonna lie again. it's not like their company cares, and taerae, the only person he wants to see, is busy, having literally flown to another country for kcon.
everything is messy.
but he can't just stay like that forever.
that is exactly what jeonghyeon thinks as he walks into his room, having pushed the door open because he knew if he knocked y/n still wouldn't open the door.
he frowns at the sight before him. "y/n".
said boy looks up, smiling, before he throws his badtz maru plushie across the room, it landing right in front of his closet door. "hi" he says quietly, crossing his arms and sighing at his computer.
jeonghyeon sits down beside him, sighing. "y/n, when do you plan to leave your room?"
"what do you mean?" y/n asks in that tone of obliviousness he always used when he would deny his feelings for taerae. jeonghyeon blinks, shaking his head at the older.
"y/n, all you do is sit in your room, listen to love begins with a confession on loop, cry into that badtz maru plushie you just threw across the room, then sleep in your bed and not make it afterwards".
y/n deadpans, but jeonghyeon is right, that's all he's been doing this past week. he huffs, crossing his arms. he enjoyed doing those things, for jeonghyeon's information!
"okay, and?" jeonghyeon laughs at y/n's tone, shaking his head once again.
"and, you've rewatched every episode of pucca seven times already".
y/n scoffs, jaw dropping in shock. "what do you want, jeonghyeon?"
"y/n, you have been trapped in your room for a whole entire week" jeonghyeon states, and y/n immediately looks away. "i'm worried, hanbin's worried, junghyun's worried, woonggi's worried, even seunghwan's worried! and he isn't even in this company—"
"just get to the point, jeonghyeon".
"you need to finally get out again" jeonghyeon quickly says, and y/n bites his inner cheek, gaze moving towards the badtz maru plushie he'd thrown across the room.
the one taerae bought for him..
"alright y/n" the lee clears his throat. "to get you to finally leave your room, were going out tonight".
y/n raises his eyebrows. "going out?"
"me, you, hanbin, minseok, woonggi, seowon, haruto, seunghwan, a bunch of the eliminated trainees" he explains, but y/n still seems pretty hesitant. "were getting together for the night, for you".
"what about mun junghyun? don't exclude him, he's one of us too, you know" y/n responds, as if completely ignoring everything else jeonghyeon had said just to talk about the 05 liner.
"junghyun is a child, he can't go out with us".
"he isn't that much younger than haruto, though".
"that's off topic" jeonghyeon smiles. "come on, y/n, you've been cooped up in your room all this time, and we don't just want to sit by and not do anything about your depression".
y/n sighs, reaching over for his laptop, which is paused on episode 20 of pucca. he looks over at jeonghyeon, whose patiently waiting for a response.
"of course i'll go jeonghyeon".
jeonghyeon gasps, his jaw dropping, like he wasn't expecting that response. "i— i really shouldn't just be sitting here and doing nothing while you guys are worrying about me, so of course i'll go with you guys!"
jeonghyeon smiles softly at y/n, staring at his friend so fondly it looked like he might cry. "hey, don't get emotional now, lee jeonghyeon".
"i know, i listened to you cry over taerae for a whole entire week already—"
jeonghyeon gets a pillow thrown right at his face.
"shut up, jeonghyeon!"
"but it's true!"
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"i still can't believe you guys made me spend all of my money".
hanbin continues to complain whilst jeonghyeon chuckles and y/n whistles. he had a seriously good time going out with his friends, it was nice to see all of his friends again, hear their loud voices and screams from doing stupid things.
it seemed that woonggi had agreed, because he continuously kissed y/n's cheek and hugged the hell out of him the whole time.
reuniting with the old trainees was nice, they were all insanely chaotic, which was oddly comforting to him, as he hadn't heard any loud voices in so long, being trapped in his room almost all week.
"your the one who said you could manage all the financial stuff" jeonghyeon replies, y/n nods, yawning as he hears hanbin begin to complain once again.
"yeah! but you guys wanted so much! i'm not ricky, you know?"
y/n giggles at the joke, stuffing his hands into his pockets as the trio continue walking. he couldn't deny, he really did have fun, he can't help but be thankful that jeonghyeon dragged him out of his room for the night.
"you guys, thank you" y/n states when they get to the front of the wakeone building. "i probably would've gotten worse if you hadn't dragged me out of my room, your seriously amazing friends for including me instead of just leaving me to rot there alone—"
hanbin and jeonghyeon exchange glances, a knowing smile coming to their faces as they stare behind their friend. y/n blinks, tilting his head in confusion. "what?"
hanbin chuckles. "y/n".
y/n doesn't get what the hell the two of them could be snickering about. "guys, what?"
jeonghyeon simply points behind him, unable to control his laughter.
"hi".
"ah!"
y/n jumps, immediately placing a hand on his chest. "holy shit, kim taerae, you need to stop scaring me".
wait— who?
when y/n turns around and sees taerae standing behind him, smiling, he jumps again, screaming. taerae laughs, and y/n covers his face.
"hi y/n".
"oh" y/n laughs, face burning with embarrassment as he looks over at hanbin and jeonghyeon, who whistle and look away. "taerae, hi".
"you two should talk" hanbin immediately says, grabbing ahold of jeonghyeon who squeaks in agreement as he allows himself to get dragged away by hanbin, waving at the pair.
"why are you so surprised?" taerae laughs, y/n simply stares, as if not believing that he's real. "did you think i wasn't gonna come see you?"
"taerae" he repeats. he's said his name so many times, but actually seeing him is so.. weird after the finale and him having flown to japan for kcon.
"y/n" taerae says, he walks forward and grabs y/n's hands. "what's wrong?"
y/n resists the urge to absolutely break down in taerae's arms, he tightens his grip around taerae's hands, staring at him for so long that everything starts getting blurry.
"oh my god" he whispers, and taerae laughs once again. he's in shock, taerae is here, yeah taerae trains in the wakeone building, obviously, but taerae is here, with him, holding his hands.
"y/n, i'm here, hi".
"shit, hi".
"i— i just can't believe your actually here, in front of me, it feels like it's been forever since i've seen you".
"jeonghyeon filled me in on your situation" y/n winces to himself as taerae begins laughing at his expression. "love begins with a confession on repeat? seriously? you were thinking of me, right?"
"wasn't it obvious?" y/n inquires back as the two of them begin walking together, hand in hand. "i sat in my room for a whole entire week, crying into that badtz maru plushie you got me, rewatching almost every single episode of pucca".
"you love that show!"
"exactly! it was comforting to me!"
taerae chuckles, staring at y/n with those fond eyes. "i thought you were in japan?" he asks, and taerae shakes his head.
"i was" he replies. "i only flew back a few days ago, and jeonghyeon called me to explain what was going on with you, and i felt bad".
"bad? for what?"
"because i was in a whole other country and you were here suffering because of me!" taerae yells, and y/n frowns, swinging their hands back and forth.
"i was just.. disappointed, because i lost" y/n mumbles, and taerae caresses his hands as he opens the door to y/n's room. "and i couldn't debut with you, it felt like i was empty".
taerae hums, closing the door. he frowns at the sight of the badtz maru plushie laying face down in front of the closet. "what happened to badtz maru? i got that for you, you know".
"oh" y/n pauses. "i threw it in a fit of frustration".
taerae snickers, nudging y/n, which makes him whine in complaint. "how rude of you, i got that for you as a good luck charm!"
"i mean— it was! but i kept getting reminded of you whenever i looked at it, and i cried into it most of the time so i was just frustrated and threw it!"
taerae lets go of his hands, crossing his arms and pouting. "i can't believe you, y/n, you have betrayed me".
y/n stares at taerae, smiling. this is kim taerae, his longtime best friend kim taerae, his one and only kim taerae, his love kim taerae. he can't comprehend the amount of love he feels, just looking at him as he laughs.
just like old times, huh?
"y/n" taerae calls out, making said boy snap out of whatever daze he was having. "you should've told me, talked to me, i would've been willing to listen".
"i know but—" y/n pauses, sighing. "i didn't think you'd have time for me, because you now have a group and schedules and i couldn't work up the courage to call you.."
taerae stares at his love, instead smiling as he grabs his hands again. "y/n, i love you".
"taerae, i love you more".
at his response, taerae giggles, his face turning a shade of red at the response. "okay, stop it".
"sing for me".
taerae blinks, staring at y/n for a long moment before smiling. "like the old times?"
"like the old times".
taerae hums, letting go of y/n's hands to grab the guitar he keeps in the corner of the room. "what do you want me to sing?"
"spring breeze" y/n replies, and taerae seems a little surprised, tilting his head.
"spring breeze?" he raises an eyebrow; he always liked that song.
"yeah" y/n nods happily, sitting down beside taerae on his bed. "it's the only way i'll go to sleep tonight".
"sounds like an excuse" taerae is quick to say, making y/n frown. he pushes taerae slightly, making the boy laugh once again.
"sing for me or i kick you out of my room".
"that in love with my voice, huh?"
"just sing, i need to relax".
so that my winter can end— we really love each other, you come to me like the spring breeze.
that's just how they were.
y/n couldn't find a better circumstance to be in that night.
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