#bc its not everyday fck

[haechvn]

I'm Not Sure

Pairing: Shuri x F!Reader

Warning: Just sad really. Angst. Self-Discovery. Self Doubt

Summary/Request: Our baby Shuri has been through a lot and she needs an outlet.

Word Count: 1.4k+

Author’s Note: I know i've been releasing a lot of smut filled fic but I really wanted to capture Shuri is her truest form ( in my head at least)

Taglist :  @melodykisses, @blackhottie25, @tonakings, @coalmistyy, @szalipcombo, @prettyluhlaiiii, @yelenabelovasgf, @callmeoncette, @clqrosmgc, @beautybyfire, @homelessmicechild, @shurisbitch

Translations: Sthandwa = My love

Shuri’s head rests on your lap, hands caressing the sides of your hips as soft African lofi plays in the background while you two are resting in her bedroom. One of your hands travels through the maze of her curls, aiding in a soothing feeling to the woman whose mind did not allow her to rest. You are currently occupied with a book that T’Challa had left for you and Shuri to read that he had written for you. A token of love he felt for the two of you as individuals and as a pair he knew would stand the test of time. Sweet but also five hundred pages long. His heart was truly in it.

Today was one of those quiet days for Shuri. She barely responded to her colleagues at her laboratory, her mind constantly wandered to a thousand different realms during council meetings and she couldn’t seem to find her footing anymore when it came to building and trying to help her country.

Ever since she had lost her last family member, everyday Princess Shuri would always ask herself the same question and always come to no definite conclusion: who am I? For the longest time, her identity rested in her achievements or titles bestowed upon her by others. She wasn’t necessarily questioning her abilities to get tasks or assignments done; she still excelled as a scientist and during her training with the Dora but that’s just it. Is that all she is? A scientist and the Black Panther? These questions made her feel as though she was experiencing an existential crisis at the mere age of 21 but in all honesty, it has been making her so anxious and uneasy.

Turning to Bast felt like a waste of time to her since she was abandoned by her family in the ancestral plane and the last words she heard from her mother “show them who you are” didn’t resonate with her at any degree because who is she truly? Clearly her mother saw something in her that she still cannot and the fact that she doesn’t have any family to help her navigate this journey of self discovery at times pushed her over the edge.

How is she meant to find purpose and reasoning in this world that doesn’t seem to stop taking from her? She’s sure that pretty soon all that will be left of her is her name. The advancements that she has contributed to the world of science have only made it easier for her to ignore the deep rooted feeling of confusion that she felt within the depths of her soul.

Sighing out in frustration, Shuri quickly raised her head away from you, sending the book in your hand flying and giving herself an excruciating headache. Grumbling under her breath, she couldn’t help but feel pathetic. Even when she’s alone with her love, her mind still plays games on her and she seems to fall for it every single time. Luckily she has been more open and honest with you about how she has been coping with her state of being but it has been getting harder and harder everyday to put on a smile and march forward.

Climbing off the bed, she went to retrieve your novel for you, looking enticing might I add, with a simple white tank top and pair of black spanx that showed off her incredible physique that she has been training so hard to achieve. Delicately grabbing the book off the floor, Shuri felt her blood run cold as she skimmed the cover, eyes darting back and forth thinking this was yet again another trick being played on her. To My Loves by T’Challa Udaku it read. That is the name he had for the two of you, even far before Shuri had mustered up the courage to ask you to be hers. Tears filled her eyes and they eventually littered the novel in her hands. Shoulders slouched over, shaking with no intention to stop any time soon, she made her way back to the bed and buried her face in your shoulder crying until she didn’t have the energy to continue.

“Awe baby what’s going on? Is it the book? I’m sorry he told me to show it to you once I finish. I can put it away if–”

The cries became heavier and tears came out harder as she dropped her full weight on top of you, squeezing you in her arms as if you are meant to disappear at any second and honestly speaking you just might. Her mind goes back to the love her brother had for the two of you, always telling her, “Shuri, you know you’ve got a special one and you need to do everything in your power to keep her. You two are a lot more similar than you think.”

All this time she has spent searching, questioning and debating her existence and place in this world, it never dawned on her that the one person who knows her more than any other soul she’s come across might be able to truly navigate her feelings of despair. Of course T’Challa wrote a book for you and Shuri, he could never once hide his adoration for how much you have been able to help Shuri bring out the light that has always been inside of her and he also teased that the two of you would one day reign side by side as the Queens of Wakanda. If only he was here to provide his guidance to her just one last time.

“How am I supposed to be,” she sniffles, eyes meeting yours tears overflowing from her cheeks and staining her shirt, “your woman and love you the way you deserve if I can’t even understand who I am? My mind won’t give me a break and I can’t keep doing this.” Her speech is decorated with hiccups and pauses, showcasing a side of Shuri you haven’t seen in such a long time. She is normally so stoic and tall in her presence but she is now quite literally in shambles, unable to get proper handle for herself.

It’s about time she broke down like this. She’d been trying to just hold these feelings hostage without any real release and now she can truly start to move forward even if she didn’t see it that way.

“How does being the world's smartest woman or a princess help me deal with the fact that I’m lost sthandwa? How does any of this black panther nonsense help me—”

“Baby,” you cooed, wiping her tears, heart breaking at the sight ,”I need you to take a couple of breaths okay? Can you do that for me?”

Roughly shaking her head in disagreement, she continued “How is breathing gonna help if I don’t want—”

“Shuri! Please. Breathe. Right now.”

One, two, three, four, she counted in her head. Maybe she was doing too much or overreacting instead of thinking things through logically.

“Everything you are feeling is valid my love.” She has been doing a lot of thinking out loud in her most vulnerable moments. “The last thing you need to do is worry your pretty head about how you can be better for me when I accept you for all that you are.”

Shifting around in her grasp, you reach for the love letter her brother dedicated to her. Opening to the first page, you placed the book in her hands.

“Here. Read it. All you need right now is a little something to ground you.”

Deep down, she still has not been able to come to terms with her brother’s passing so the thoughts of reading his words, knowing his voice would be speaking to her scared her more than anything. Sensing her hesitance, you gently rubbed a hand on her back. “I’m right here with you. Don’t worry too much, okay?”

Slowly nodding, she gathered herself to uncover the true last words her brother had for her.

“To my Shuri. Firstly you are mine. Everything that you are comes from your heart and nothing can ever compete with how much you have changed me as a man—.” She closes the pages, heart fluttering at his kind words but the feeling of his absence taking over her once again.

Maybe this is exactly what she needed. A chance to see herself through the lenses of those who celebrated her the most. She always held her brothers’ words in the highest regard so maybe he hasn’t completely abandoned her after all. She can already start to feel a shift within herself.

Bast, she whispers in her mind, thank you.

Maybe it’s not so bad to believe again.

#our baby is sad #shuri dealing with grief #bc its not everyday fck #shuri x reader #shuri angst #shuri black panther #shuri imagine #black panther x reader #shuri x f!reader #t'challa imagine #t'challa udaku #black panther angst #mcu angst #marvel angst #shuri x fem!reader #black panther imagine #shuri smut #marvel imagine #black panther fics #shuri x y/n #black panther wakanda forever #shuri is a eater #princess shuri smut #black panther #black panther smut #marvel #marvel fluff #marvel smut #shuri x namor #mcu fanfiction

[getoed5725]

i rly should find some kind of news blogs on tblr that can provide me quick news and filtered by tags and days the same way as some kpop blogs do when i was still in my kpop phase...

how the fck does that nolE guy fck up every time. and then acts like he knows shit when the moment u limit views, u limit also the ads and official posts, so even if u pay for the sht, what's the point if others can't see your posts anymore? does it even make sense? its like a constant eternal battle over there and im pissed bc artists choose it to deliver quick posts that can be spread widely quickly, but its becoming more and more insustainable everyday...

and im still waiting for merch news and jjk ss2!! its starting in a few days and they choose NOW of all times??

#i just want to update news man #personal

[jenanddomo]

3.22.23

heyy,, i know i dont update, i try to not use this app to spill the most , life rn tho is like so great

me n my luver boy confessed our feelings like 3 days agoninbfckijnpersojninnmy housee!! like what i never told any1 i likebthem in person so now we just talkin but like we already did the uk 🙀!1!1! yea lately i just been yoloing life nobody controlling me no more and i feel like im actually myself uk ! so i feel likee eeverydsy im doin better uk,

weight im 149 now , im eatting pretty gooddd but my moma wantsbto send me to the doctor bc she thinks i have a ed bc i throw up everytime i eat now, its bad but fck i cant control it , but shit today was wing wednesday n omfg i fcked up those wings

im so sorry if i sound so dumb i barely woke up

my sleeping schedule been screwed by my friends n luver boy , i frr like him so much bruh like we already sleep together n cuddle n everything n then for him to be like “i like you alot” like i was just being myself n that made me cry n then he kissed my head goodnight yea i fr be living in a lil movie fr!

i sneak out now sometimes to go see him n my friends and we just go to the park or sumwhere its so dumb💀💀

also like last month was the end of my other era like

im doin better without them uk, i feel much brighter and happier, ion feel depressed or anything, i dont fight everyday,

i got a new cat

[suchagallabitch]

#hello welcome to the first addition of me rambling in the tags bc why not #i am free from the grasp of corporate america for a few days #anyway #but now i need to catch up on my school work so fck me ig #theres a marathon going on in the parks rn #and i opened my shop this morning forgetting this and i stepped out and theyre were just people running #i literally was like 😀🤨 #to quote mickey: why the fck is everybody running?! no ones chasing you fckers! #I seriously don’t believe that anyway enjoys running #its terrible #its sadistic #its like developing Stockholm syndrome #i used to run literally everyday and i hated it but also was masochistic enough to come back to it #on a real note as much as i hate running i miss being able to do it #and thats on having a chronic illness 😙 #anyway anyway #excited to finish the chicken fic #i also want to write a gallagher cousin (frannie freddie my oc characters) fic so lets see if i have enough energy for that tomorrow #im done with my ramblings talk to me if you want 🥰

[chicspo]

how to be a bombshell ♡

confidence: never be afraid to speak up baibs!!! and always stand by ur own opinion, even if everyone else has a different view. stand tall and confident, dont hide behind anyone. u have to make urself seen and heard in a room full of people. dont be embarrassed bc thats hot. u would never think badly of anyone whos confident with themselves soo

be effortlessly chic: own cool clothing pieces, but dont put too much time into picking an outfit. wear lipgloss and a good mascara, but dont contour ur face to the point of being unrecognizable. healthy and shiny hair, but dont spend hours styling it just wear it messyyy!!! embrace ur own natural beauty, instead of concealing it just add a few more things onto it

high standards: dont settle for anything or anyone! know ur worth and know that u deserve the world, so dont expect anything less. learn to say NO to things!!! its okay! ur not being rude, ur just prioritizing ur own needs. u dont need to go to every party, talk to every person, go out everyday, and u most certainly dont owe anyone ANYTHINGGG!!!

signature scent and style: u need to choose ur own signature scent and stick to it! (ones i recommend: tease by vs, mon paris by ysl, eau de rose by diptyque, bare vanilla by vs) and make up ur own personal style. DONT COPY ANYONE ELSES! ofc u can get inspo from others but u should always do ur own thing and have ur own vibe. and do not follow trends!!! EVER!!!

be kind always!!: theres no reason for u to be mean ever. no one likes bitchy people HELLAUR! sorround urself with positive energy from within. u have no idea what an impact u can make on someone else life just by being kind. say random compliments (dont fake them tho), smile to strangers, be nice to the people who r mean to u!! thats the biggest fck you EVA! its better for u to remove someone off ur life than be mean or fake to them baibs <3

THAT ALL LAUVS! if u want a pt. 2 ill make one, and if not then send other blog post suggestions MWAH

#bombshell #yasslayqueen #treschic

[yiqiie]

wangxian fic rec list pt. 3

you can find pt. 1 here and pt. 2 here!

i think it’s about time for another update so here we are again! i have to keep reminding myself to update the notion page every time i bookmark something new so if anyone sees that the notion page is a little quiet for a few days just shoot me an ask and yell at me to update!

i have so many recommendations this time so long post ahead i am sorry! pls reblog if you can! tumblr is always iffy about links and tagging posts so this might not appear in the tags ;; 

notion summary page: here (i only put my favourites in this tumblr list, so if you would like even more recommendations, please read the notion summary for basically all of my bookmarks on ao3) 

something to make your heart ache 

in all my dreams i drown by @idrilka 

fluff, light angst, smut, post-cql 

trigger warning: mentions of some graphic nightmares 

will i ever stop recommending idrilka’s fics? no. this was so perfect bc while i love seeing domestic wangxian just being y’know domestic i love reading fics that examine the consequences being yllz has on wwx and the crucial journey to self-recovery it’s always so beautifully explored in each fic 

sweet chaos by @eachandeverydimension

fluff, light angst, cql au, multi-chapter

this was so PERFECT it takes a lot to get me hooked into a slow burn fic bc i’m usually so impatient so when i see anything more than 12 parts i’m already backing away slowly but this had me hooked so FAST and it’s just such a beautiful story of how two people fall in love and the attention to detail is just stunning i love it when people just get chinese heritage and tradition right 

the best of you by @fozmeadows

fluff, smut, light angst, modern au, multi-chapter

trigger warning: only for some chapters so pls check the tags and the notes!

lwj looking after wwx is my kink okay and i just wanna wrap him up and give him a kiss in this fic bc he’s just :(((( the domestic wangxian popped OFF here and we are all not ready i just remember binging this fic so fast bc it reads so smoothly and the dialogue between lwj and jzx? fcking comedy gold 

花无百日红; the flower that withers by yiqie 

fluff, angst, post-cql

trigger warning: please check the tags! 

once again, is there any fic of yiqie’s that hasn’t made it onto my list? no. guys the description? the premise of this fic? everything about this fic is so beautiful and it’s just stunning execution this is a fic i come back to again and again so please read it, i don’t think any explanation will ever do it justice

build me no shrines by @wanlangji

fluff, angst, smut, post-cql, multi-chapter

the case fic to end all case fics GUYS THE DETAIL IN THIS i remember seeing it making its way around twitter and i saw case fic and immediately went :O and i read all of it in one sitting it’s SO good and wwx is just SO dumb but the wangxian pops off as usual and they kick ass while they’re at it 

and they have escaped the weight of darkness by cosmicmilktea

fluff, light angst, cql au 

an amnesia fic BUT NOT this fic is so beautiful and so heart-clenching i finished it so fast bc i literally could not stop the writing is just so captivating and it’s just such a soulful ending

spring days of my life by @besanii

angst

trigger warning: i read this and literally felt like i was having a heart attack bc it hurt me That Much

beth has done it again :))))) she has murdered my heart and now i’m just a lump on the floor; i needed SEVERAL days to recover from this i am not exaggerating i was literally sweating bc i felt my heart squeeze so painfully it’s literally just pure angst

something to soothe your heart 

where the chaos is by darkredloveknot

fluff, smut, post-cql 

guys GUYS domestic wangxian without the husband bit yet is just *squeal* this was the fic i forgot to bookmark and then i came across it again by chance and i was so RELIEVED i literally just remember this as ‘the fic where lwj carves wwx’s name into a bowl’ and it’s just so wholesome and cute and i love it 

our heart beats, intertwined by xuantime

fluff, light angst, modern au 

wangxian being doctors is a fic i will always stand by and get behind and this is just some pure married content i love them so much wwx is such a dumbass and we are all just like lwj, fondly looking on as he is a complete idiot but we love domestic wangxian in any form so we love this fic 

a little bit everyday by w_wxsparkles

fluff, smut, light angst, modern au 

lwj is so dumb and wwx is a mess we love them so much this was such a GOOD premise for a fic and now i can’t get the image of lwj wearing lip gloss out of my head but there’s just so much wangxian being wangxian here and lots of making out so YES it has mai’s stamp of approval 

as you like it by cosmicmilktea

fluff, post-cql 

DOMESTIC WANGXIAN let lwj be pampered agenda this was so cute and wwx just wants to love his husband thank you very much so we are all a captivated audience as domestic wangxian proves to be even MORE wangxian than usual 

puzzle pieces by @yuisakii

fluff, modern au 

guys yui is actually one of my favourite fic writers and this is PEAK yui content pls follow her on twt bc she makes the best twt fic threads but this is just such GOLD content bc wwx is trying so hard to be a slut and lwj is just *horny grip* 

new york, i love you by @yuisakii

fluff, modern au

the gossip girl au we never thought we needed but YUI STRIKES AGAIN Y’ALL this is perfect bite sized wangxian pining for each other to each other’s faces and we just love them so so much 

we sit in the sunset glow by moonsteps

fluff, light angst, rapunzel au

i have made a promise to read every single rapunzel au out there and this is the PINNACLE of rapunzel fics guys it’s so perfect i love it so much wwx is just so chaotic in his every rendition and i love him so much 

an invisible string by @wangxiians

fluff, modern au 

IS THERE ANYTHING TEDDII CANNOT DO? guys the description?? wangxian finding each other in every single lifetime no matter what? fck the feels popped off with this one the writing is EXQUISITE 

something to make you laugh 

a lot’s gonna change by etymologyplayground

fluff, modern au 

i LOVE this fic bc wen qing and lwj being best friends is literally the best concept i love seeing wwx flirt and be a mess in lwj’s presence and this is all of that beautiful stuff all wrapped in and sprinkled with some mutual pining (for like 5 minutes then they make out) 

save a sword, ride a socialist by @fozmeadows​ 

fluff, smut, modern au, multi-chapter

LWJ IS SUCH A BITCH IN THIS AND I AM HERE FOR IT guys i love the fics with a stoic lwj bc yes canon continuity but pls modern lwj is 100% a bitch, esp if jzx is friend so this is just so good and every thing i never thought i needed in a fic 

bodega love by @nothing-but-colour 

fluff, modern au, multi-chapter

SOME WHOLESOME GROUP TEXT SHENANIGANS guys if you don’t read any other fic pls read this one it’s just so cute and so good and wangxian going on their first date and respectively FREAKING OUT about it is just so good 

#mai's fic rec list! #the untamed #fytheuntamed #mdzsnet #chen qing ling #wangxian #wangxian fics #mo dao zu shi #pls reblog if you can! #i made this instead of studying cranial nerves :)))))

[mingi-bubu]

Watch “Youth With You” with Me!

Episode 9 Part 1

heyyyyy guess whos back at it again at krispy kreme

i have my water, i have my grapes, i have my m&ms, its currently some how 99F / 37.2C outside which is a sin

here we go!!!

so last episode it was the mid-way thru practice eliminations

and we’re starting the episode out with seeing the boys be dumb but also openly and loudly sobbing

i hate it here (:

there’s like no one for maze, only 2 people

im still excited tho bc huaiwei’s stage is good.

and zhanyu looks good

and we were given a sneak peak into the ranking results and wenhan was chastized

tinder

i think that’s what huaiwei and linmo and zhanyu’s stage is called

anyway im getting ahead of myself

i spent most of last night watching the stages adkfljas

ok so we start out with one of the senior seniors’s classes

theres a baby grand piano in the classroom and teng shichu is leading adkfa

he was like im really excited to see you guys again awww T.T

aals;dkjfa why does linmo look so embarrassed to say he listens to pop music ldkfja

god whoever did yao chi’s hair and eyebrows

thank you

junjie’s face at tsc’s story i love it

zhanyu is babieeeee

also side note to this if you havent watched his introduction video yet you have to

you will understand why when you do

tsc’s namedropping left and right but i dont have the cultural background of knowing who these people are so uhhh,,,,moving on

youwei has been wrecking my unine bias hard recently

love to see it

@baobeejun probably doesnt like waking up to 20+ messages of me screamign but its fine

mingming is sitting next to wenhan ugh the visuals

oh

oh wow

that uhhhh

that is definitely a picture from the 70s or 90s i would guess

the characters on the screen probably say something relavant to it but as we all know i am illiterate

shiyuan is effortlessly beautiful and i personally think thats very sexy of him

i need to stop talking to ash

the increase in the amount of times i use the word “sexy” in everyday life is disturbing

xixi looks so tired and yangyang is as always looking like hes 2 minutes from passing out

god i wish these boys could rest

xu longhan

thats it

thats the note

mingze and zhenning sitting next to each other we love bg project boys

also shenshen pretty

i learned about “flight of the bumblebee” back in like 4th or 5th grade but now im relearning about it

thank you teng shichu

wang zhe looks like he wants to die alkdfjaslkjd

everyone looks so dead inside at the lesson im so weak

except shiyuan

hes like hell yes i know all of this bc i play piano

shiyuan is the star student right now i love that for him

hes so embarrassed im love him

hanyu is so done with him

ugh i love it here

they’re talking about the four fantasias and how chopin composed the first (and most famous) one at the age of 24 and someone definitely choked and tried to pass it off as a cough my hand to god

not to pull the focus away from the history lesson but huaiwei resting his head in his hand is giving me a complex

god i really hope that none of the trainees ever see this

tsc is just gonna drag mesistopheles or whatever the other composer’s name was

and i support him

longhan glasses i repeat longhan glassessssss

lian huaiwei

thats it

that’s the note

“now i want to ask you a question”

weiwei immidiately: o.o’

oh my god yao chi has cookie monster on his shirt i *pleading emoji*

i might amend my shiyuanario to him playing piano or something bc i want to shamelessly indulge in the idea of him playing something for his s.o.

jDHjhfkd all the boys immediately saying hanyu can play chopin after he answered right is sending

hes like: ......fck.

“i havent played this piece in a long time” - xhy

“yeah itll be hard if you dont practice lmaooo have a try” - tsc

i love everything about this situation

shiyuan looks v happy for him tho so thats all that matters

he seems to be doing well

i love how whenever hanyu is embarrassed he bites his thumb hes so cuteeee

everyone making little piano motions is so cutee

shiyuan is fanboying we love to see it for him

tsc is telling them to expand their horizons and make sure they learn different parts

ooooh they’re gonna be planting trees!

cool cool cool

is hanhan mc-ing??

im weak af but ok

sun village is where theyre at

they’re planting begonias today

what the fuck is going on asdkfjs

jiayi is sending

linmo is so 

mr. tyger boys are certainly all share the same briancell

oh did they relaly need to put in that glamour shot of mingze walking with a bucket of water

was taht absolutely necessary iqiyi editing team

is

is the koala shope just a pop up one that they  did specifically for the dachang boys???

what the fuck is a duty-free shop?

alsdkfjalsdkjfas i cannot tell if yangyang is making fun of wenhan a little bit but i sure hope hes poking fun at his ge bc i lvoe to see it

wang yi kao la

lkfjal;kfa lian huaiwei is the love of my life i swear to god

oh snap its mr fruit without the beret

hey mr lian what the FUCK was the wink about i’ll *knife emoji*

omg wang zhe thats adorableeee

at least i think its him

they dyed his hair back, right?

mingze is That Bitch

god this is going to sound really awkward but i can just feel it in my soul that li zhenning is going to be a really hot 40-year old man

like

if he has kids and has a daughter, her friends are gonna be like *eyes emoji*

feel free to unfollow me after reading that, i dont blame you

if you think im right tho hmu and we can discuss

zhanyu looks so awkward in this but as soon as he steps on stage HOOO MAN I WHEW

alright alrigth its stage time!

oooh for once the senior seniors are actually like here in person O.O inch resitng

i personally think its really cute!

god im so excited for rebuild and tinder

ajlfkasdjf after journey and yixing’s reactions to mc jin’s chinese is soc tue

he looks so excited

i have no idea what is going on tho with the voting thing

and to be honest idrc bc voting is no longer relavant to this

tinder stage first???

YES HHHHH FUCK

MY BOYS

LOOK SO

G O O D

i hate them so much actually aldkjfs

ok training time

chaoyuan’s “wwhAAT?” is so cuteee akl;djfalksd

huaiwei is so tinie compared to him its adorable

i refuse to believe linmo is that tall what the fuck

jiayi baby i love him

oh hes the leader this time!!  and huaiwei is center

i LOVE to see it

jiayi and chaoyuan having a push up contetest while huaiwei just reclines on his hands

the dynamics in this group are hilarious to see

i know i say this a lot

but

huaiwei dark hair hhhhhhh

alkdjflkasd i screenshot this part of huaiwei’s one on one and the sentence fragment says “Jiayi is a person”

uh yeah i sure hope he is

akfj;lkasdjfsa jiayi praises people the way wenhan does

OH MY GOD WAIT

WASNT IT HANHAN WHO SAID HE LIKE PRAISES THEM LIKE THEIR KINDERGARTENERS OR SOMETHING

ALKDJFAKSJDF

big iirc

alfdjalskdfjasldkf

“even tho jiayi says deng-ge, deng-ge, he may consider me as his child”

im dying y’all

“i am a person” - lian huaiwei, 2019

i should stop making fun of them

and yet

why does huaiwei remind me of a mom oh my god

the momergies he is giving out right now dlkjalsjdf

ok ok is it time???

no

boooo

oh its huang doudou!

laksjdf;lkasjdf;klasjd oh my god

hdd: “chen tao which school do you want to go to?”

ct: “shanghai theatre academy”

hdd: “hmmm,  if you do get in you’ll be going to my wife’s alma mater”

ct: *bows*

OH MY GOD

CHEN YOUWEI IS 6′1 AND IT SHOWS

doudou is so small oh my adlfkjasd;lkfjas;kldj

wait

is the senior seniors here bc lrh, xmh, and jt arent?

bc hdd is a dancer right

and i ahvent seen the other three mentors yet

inch resting

asldklfjaskldfjasd oh my god

part of me wishes that hdd was a mentor from the jump bc his head movements are killing me

he literally looks like a confused puppy

he said the movements arent uniform

tbh i was just focused on watching my boys (lhw, cyw, zy) and i didnt really pay attention to the like uniformity of the group

jiayi is saying he should take responsibility

i love that huaiwei is only what,,,a few months older than jiayi but is moving him around and directing him like theres two years or more in their age difference

what is youwei doing alkfjslkdj

skdjlk;asjdf;klasd the two tallest in the group are on either end of the line this is loweky fuckign hilarious to see

hakdfja;s huaiweis “oohh mahy gahhh”

zhanyuuuuu

lakjsdjflaksdjf this group is so cute

oh my god theyre doing the thousand hand goddess dance i hate themmmm

alksdjfalskdj his lil clap i love jiayiiii

qjal;kdskjfWHYYYY

IS YOUWEI SO CUTE

I HATE HIM

STOOPPPPP

hes baiiibeeee

stage tiem!!!!!

HELL YEAH IM LOVE IT HERE YOU GUES

chandeliereessss

pretty boys everytwere

zhanyu can kill me

WWAHTEKA;LDFKJSA; YOUWEI AND HUAIWEI UNNECESSARY

ugh the domino moves i love to see it

yechen looks good

youwei the wink was uncalled for im going to *knife emoji*

NAAAAAAAAA

AAD;FJAKSLDJ

huaiwei in this outfit is very good

awwwwwwww!!!!  ok so one of the senior seniors said that their movements are uniform and then the camera cut to yixing looking so proud im T.T

i love huaiwei center

its a fantastic move

also i wish that we couldve seen the voting for the groups thing but i think iirc from the end of episode 8 that only like 2 groups had too many and then maze only had two people

also this song is very h*rny

like in the way that cxk’s lover and almost anything by zyx are

god zhanyu looks good

i love this outfit for him

chaoyuan oooh the shirt is a nice color on him

he jumped high damn

chen tao this is a different look for him

hasdkfas im sorry 

im literally no thoughts head empty watching this stage

zhanyu and huaiwei and youwei 

NO THOUGHTS HEAD EMPTY

none

my brain is aboslutely free real estate right now

jiang dawei did NOT just say “sex appeal is needed”

I AM SCREAMING ACTIVELY

JFAL;KDSJF;ALKSDJF

THANK GOD FOR THE TINDER STAGE THIS IS FUCKING INCREDIBLE

I AM LITERALLY 0 THOUGHTS HEAD EMPTY

LIKE I THOUGHT RETREAT WAS THE THOT STAGE BUT I WAS WRONG

THIS ONE IS

PLEASE STREAM THE TINDER STAGE YOU NEED TO SEE ZHANYU

im going to take a moment and just compliment yechen’s voice

like its very clear and nice to listen to

i hope hes doing well

oh my god zhanyu with that note im going die

im sorry huaiwei but im proposing to zhanyu

god he really stood out in this stage

damn

this was a good stage you guys

this was a good

awww weiwei’s lil wink at the end!!

zhanyu

“they showed men’s elegance” mhmmm sure that’s what we’ll call it jiang dawei

men’s elegance

ok but like even without me losing my mind over the “needed sex appeal” it was a really good performance

they were very in sync with each other and even tho the moves were slower than other stages we’ve seen up to this point, they still were very powerful

part of me, a really small part of me, wants to learn the choreo for it alkdjfslk;

ok awww now the boys are going to say something about their hometowns i think!!!

ooohhh theyre gonna say like some nice touristy things about their hometowns for people to go see!!!

thats so cute!

yoooooo chenyuan’s recommendation is v cool looking i would lvoe to go there

oh god thats really prettyyyy

bean jelly ?

sweet and spicy kinds thats so cool omg

i really want to go hhhhh

ok jiayi’s turn

i know they said their hometowns out for god and everyone but like idk i still don’t necessarily want to say them again

plus if you really wanted to you could google it

so yeah

anyways

jiayi’s turn

him and zhanyu are from the same hometown!  cute cute cute

YOOOO THESE MOUNTAINS ARE DOPE AS FUCK

aww i think he spoke in dialect or something

this is really fucking cool tho oh my god

mountain sanqing

lkjasdl;kfjasd what the fuck was that noise zhanyu

:((( i kinda wanted to hear what youwei and huaiwei have to say about their hometowns

like the four in the group who got to say something (chenyuan and yechen are from the same area) looked really proud and excited to talk about it

maybe its on the youtube or somethign

im like 90% sure youwei was chanting his hometown and province but im too lazy to look up where he’s from

hmm sure do wish that i could understand these slides that are talking about foods!  (:

and place to go!

ooooohhh those noodles look really good

i think someone is jumping over a fire????  what the fuck but ok

and i think that’s supposed to be tea leaves or dried mushrooms

ooooohhhh those look goooood the lil dumplings or steamed buns hhhhhh

ok next stage

i’m sorry stage

yao chi and shiyuan and hanyu!!!

oh my god so many boys i loveeee

wang jiayi and junjie also!!!

awww yao chi has elmo on his shirt adlkajsdfk

i love it wehn he speaks english even tho its just like little phrases or words here and there

also lowkey

l o w k e y

i forgot that this round of stages is like their own songs that they’re the original singers of

im so pretty

onadfkja;s hanyu smilingggg

akd;jflkasd so junjie is talking about how much hanyu has grown in terms of expressing his emotions and apparently he told junjie that after spending so much time with him and huaiwei they rubbed off on him and now hes more showing about how he smile

there was a little bubble insert of huaiwai going “as if”’ aldkjsd

“i think that single eyelids are going to become a trend” - xia hanyu, 2019

shiyuan’s turn to compliment him and hes talking about hanyu’s snaggletooth alkdj

lakjsal;skd yao chi turning and looking when hanyu laughs sends me

awwwww baobeiiii he’s so flustered by being complimented yao chiiiii

oh my god shiyuan is That Best Friend

hes like “in my mind yao chi is someone who like cheers you up and makes you happy and wont tell you when he’s sad”

i know that it’s framed as being funny but genuinely im sad that he feels like he has to go and hide in the bathroom and cry and wait until his eyes arent red

like same but still

idk i just i know im a hypocrite to an extent about emotional vulnurability but no yeah idk where i was going with this it just sucks for him

lkfjlkfjalsdf i didnt know yao chi and xixi were roommates but anyways apparently he talks in his sleep and xixi told junjie about it and now hes spilling the tea

l;akdsjf;laksdjf shiyuan “changxi also talks in his sleep”

*immediately cuts to changxi spinning on a chair*

when i tell you i choked adklad

oha fdlkajks this man holds nothing back drag themmmmm

gu landi for comedian of the year award

they’re a giggly bunch i love that for them

“of course we did something other than complimenting each other.  we work very hard tyvm”

*cuts to a montage of the trainees practicing*

*cuts to hanyu standing in the back of the room almost in the corner*

feng junjie: how am i supposed to work in these conditions

“i am not getting paid enough to deal with hanyu’s shit today”

oh my god i was just making a joke i didnt think he would actually say something similar lakdjfaklsdj

i hate the kiss noises alskjd

my love for junjie-hanyu friendship vs my love for huaiwei-hanyu friendhsip

FIGHT

stage time!!

after this im making another post bc it’s too long hadkfjasd

hanyu’s suit is really neat

shiyuan marry me

i love that their ear

YAO CHIIIII

i love that their ear pieces are taped in

yao chi date me challenge

sparkliesss

oh so it just starts out like that ok

is

is hu landi’s jacket held together by chains

yao chi shouldnt look that good

like legally how is that possible

shiyuan too

what the hell

hanyu hell yes vocal king

awww huaiwei looked so proud imemo

i like this stage a lot

wang jiayi turning the fuck up

hes so pretty in like a really gentle way T.T

god this song is pretty

i did not know that shiyuan was working on rapping

ei ei eiiiii

ei ei eiiii

god i feel like cryign listening to this song i 

this is a 180 from the previous stage

SHIYUAN DEEP VOICE BACK I LOVE TO SEE IT

HANYU HIGH NOTE KING

I GIVE HIM ALL MY LOVE 

yixing looks proud

i love to see it

IT’S SNOWING THAT SOS COUDFAOSDIJF

THATS FUCKING COOL

DOMINO CHOREO I LOVE TO SEE IT

yao chiiii T.T

annas bullying me :(

hometown time~

hanyu’s starting and he and shiyuan are from the same hometown!

adskjfaksd why did he introduce himself so formally i

bby we know who you are dkljfasdf

ooooohhhhh fuck that looks really good

every time i forget that shiyuan has studied in england he reminds me

alkdsfjasd the side eye hanyu is givng is sending me

hanyu talking about the food from home: *having to pause every few seconds to swallow bc his mouth is watering so much*

i love how excited yao chi looks about the food adflkajsd;kl

YAO CHI TURN

he has cookie monster on his sweatshirt again

*pleading emoji*

hes going to talk about a road

its got a pretty dope fucking bridge tbh idec why he wants to talk about it anymore im in bridge mode

jianguo road that’s the road

he’s lived by that road for 18 years of his life apparently

awwww he’s really close with one of his cousins and so would spend a lot of time at hers and her house is nearer to it than his

afjdlkasdjfk;la junjie just said you should be named “yao jianguo” bc of how much his person is tied to that area aldfkjasd

oh my god shiyuan stop flirting in front of my m&ms

“so all of the people from jianguo are attractive then? ;)”

“oh rly? ;)”

i hate them alkdjfaklsjd

shiyuan’s laugh is al;aksdjf so cuteee

hmmm my boy likes spicy foods huh

SCALLION PANCAKES UGH I WOULD SESLL MY LEFT KIDNEY RIGHT NOW FOR SOME THEYRRE SO GOOD

ugh i would love to go to this restaruant and get some they look so good

yao chi mc a food show 2020 pleaseeee

my man keeps promoting his town we love it

ok!!!  that’s it for part one!!!

i will see you in the next part!!!

#unine's run #e9 p1 #youth with you #ywy #idol producer #cpop #jae.txt #jae.wwm

[b4theworldends]

i cant do anything i feel really paralyzed and confused i wish i could just.... get in there like rly get in and fck up my brain bc then ill lossen something that needed to be loosed or maybe then i could idk maybe function..... in ANY capacity. i just want the little voice in my head that stops me from even opening up msgs to fck the fck off im tired i have no confidence i mean literally i say with all honesty that killing myself would be easier then mending all the shit ive fcked ul bc i just.... cant like idk i rly shut shit off at a point like i need something..... a step of from an exorcism. ive been writing out posts and hitting that iconique little x in the left corner about wishing i could divorce myself from idenity and i think sometimes ive been having such a hard time bc.... im dead inside! lmfao like ive had enough truly buuut i met nice ppl and kept trying to inject myself into society half heartedly like bitch it just isnt in the cards! i was not.... born with the equpment 🤔🤔🤔🤔 just gotta wonder why im not allowed to kill myself and why its seen as a negative thing when i mean what im living is negative but i get it the literal hellscape capitalist imperialist society will generate all the propaganda in the world to make sure everyone in the world works and incurs debt so that their monetary system... like even means something and we have to keep each other alive so there will be a population to exploit 😋. i mean please for the love of whatever the fck im tired and devoid of eveything but i.... still have interests and there is a part of me that wishes i had friends that i talked to everyday and hung out with and did cool things with like create things and i wish i loved people really instead of like i feel like its like i have to sit myself down everyday and be like " ur human.... u cant act like this this is what love is you have to generate this feeling somehow" and im just vigorously shaking myself trying to get this idea to be a organic reaction and its just not working i feel like everyday i peel back like a layer of reality and i cant tell anymore if im so fcking crazy like ive reached the end orrrrrrrr if im right and god i hope im not right abiut most of the conclusions that ive drawn bc then killing myself would be the kindest thing to do for my brain and i would just like to say that when ur ready you can do whatever U want. like i sound sick most people have me believing that I AM sick but most of the time i dont think so i just think i was wired differently im not into exploitation or gain or anything else which my stupid little brain has somehow decided that that is the basis for humanity. i have little to no faith i might even have like -x amount of faith in other people idk idk what this is. this is the new that 🙃 if i didnt have such bad disillusionment and like dysmorphia i could probably be a vlogger 😏

[call-of-quileutes-blog]

The first 30 asks lmao

why are you like this

1: Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now?

basically im just a depressed piece of shit with no control over my life and it’s confusing af lolol2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone?

sometimes holly will send me good morning texts but i kno its only bc she’s having a shitty one and on some occasions alex will when he’s not super busy

and sometimes some asshole will send one to the groupchat and then they’re all goin off about how much they “love each other” and how they “hope everyone has a good day” 3: If your significant other smoked pot, would you care?

alex was a huge pot head when we first met and i was like “eh whatever” at the time but like now i wouldn’t care if it was just a recreational thing but if it was an every day, nonstop thing that effected his life in a negative way i’d be like “bruh you need to stop”

(im just saying this bc i’ve seen this happen to ppl before who’ve become too reliant on using marijuana as a coping mechanism and it isn’t pretty) 4: Do you find it easy to trust others?

no. you have to be at least a lvl 12 friend or higher to unlock my tragic backstory 

also people are just shitty lolol5: What were you doing at 11PM last night?

i was stuck in mystic messenger hell and ignoring my friends6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you?

no one. my friends are actually chasing me as i run down the street trying to fight someone who made fun of my jacket

alternatively, @masochisticlion and i will be tearing up the streets near you look forward to it; summer 20207: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on?

BYE BITCH. SAYONARA.8: Are you close with your dad?

we have a decent relationship but we’re not like bffs9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right?

yea i give alex a kiss every night when i tuck him into bed and then i fart on him10: What are you listening to?

pitbull, DALE11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it?

diet coke, im fckin garbage yall12: Do you like hickeys?

not really i like to keep it professional lolol

(i actually caught my coworker w a hickey yesterday lololol)13: What time do you go to bed?

between 10pm and 2am14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down?

yes (spoiler alert its my boss bc she’s always fckin me over on the schedule)15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both?

i don’t think so. if i can’t use both hands then im not gonna bother lol16: Do you always answer your texts?

no im actually the queen of ghosting and my friend called me out on it like damn b17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for?

only when he makes me cook18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?

i talk to @masochisticlion literally everyday and my other besties usually get to hear from me at least twice a week19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them?

yes!! @sagittarifag & @itslaurenithink

(also saeyoung choi if anyone was wondering and abby too when we finally get to meet)20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

’fck im tired’21: Is anyone else in the room with you?

just my cats~22: Do you believe what goes around comes around?

yes23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now?

i’ve been a depressed piece of shit for years i feel nothing24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with?

no. if i left you in the past we’re done i don’t have time to rekindle lol25: In the past week, have you cried?

omg yes i’ve cried so much in the last week it’s ridiculous im goin crazy man26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing?

like a rust color with a big cat on it (the amount of animal tees i own is ridiculous jsyk)27: Do people ever call you by your last name?

they called me “fuckin shoemaker” for a minute (literally like two months and it was the best two months of my life) but then they just stopped and now everyone calls me lace face :(28: Is anyone ignoring you right now?

i think holly is bc i called her out on her stupid relationship lolol29: Do you have a best friend?

i have like six but thats bc they’re my only friends and they’re all my best friends i don’t believe in that acquaintances bullshit30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed?

if it was as a joke, no. but if it was serious, yes. but lbr im the best thing that’s ever happened to alex (or anyone i kno, really) so he’d never do me dirty lolol

#this is so fckn long wtf juno

[bangtan-esque]

Suspicious Partner Ep. 19-20

again, i just need some place to express my emotions as i watch these eps aksjdfnasdjfaf

-wait holy shizz so did hyun soo kill csi guy?? T_T  -DALFJSFJ OH GOSH THAT DISHWASHING SCENE IS SO CUTE SDLFKJASDF I KEEP REPLAYING IT OMG THOSE SMILES *_* -i comment too much on the rom-com side but i rly do like the thriller/mystery side too :))) -im starting to.. fall for eun hyuk… i didnt care much for him at first but he’s rly growing on me,,, like i bet he can totally get hyun soo to slip up or something -okay thats rly nice of jiwook to reassure bonghee like that :( she probs feels the guilt building up, so she rly needed that -wait fck i take that back hE’S ACTUALLY LYING FOR HER SAKE THIS BOI. okay this situation might break bonghee but.. she’s also strong :(( and she can just use this as a life lesson -okay im getting bad vibes,,, he’s gonna keep secrets from her isnt he :\ what is this mess, i cant even enjoy their lil flirting thing going on at the table. is it just me or im starting to see how forced/fake their interactions are RIP.. (maybe it’s just this one scene & maybe we’re getting spoiled with cute scenes too much that it doesn’t have the same effect as it did before) idk like before they looked totally natural and rly cute, but now it’s like i can recognize that they’re actors–not characters. dflakjfgaekew i hope this feeling goes away soon so i can enjoy them more :\ -so he been drinking that insomnia tea everyday ever since she gifted him it?? um did he buy more of that tea bc how could it be a 2-year+ supply -im so !¡ this is the first time im annoyed with jiwook.. how you gonna minimize the shock by keeping secrets from her?? dfjaedflkajwe -im just so :\ about the situation rn bc thus far, bonghee and jiwook have been great at communication so :\ okay its not like they rly found any evidence yet but- -okay im gonna focus my heart on eun hyuk… (seems like this is the writer’s intention anyway) -aw my poor bby eun hyuk rly does look like he needs some help with his case tho bc he has all these conflicting values -imma need a compilation of all of jiwook’s headshakes  -jibong couple back at it again with the squeaky couch but dsalfjiea i dont rly ~feel~ anything anymore with bonghee and jiwook’s interactions :| it just all feels fake T_T i blame this on the moment when BH asked if he was telling the truth and JW’s internal thoughts reveal that he’s actually lying -lol BH sorta brushed off that head pat. i feel satisfied :)) -y’all i think i just pinpointed the exact reason why i feel betrayed by jiwook… IT’S BECAUSE OF HIS DECEIVING EYES AND SMILES ! LIKE WHEN HE’S TRYNA PROVOKE HYUN SOO AND HE’S ALL SMILEY AND STUFF LIKE FCK WOW NICE ACTING JIWOOK–JIWOOK, NOT JI CHANG WOOK -all im saying is, just how genuine are his lovey dovey eyes for BH? lololol im too invested gtgtgtgtgtgtg -once again these jibong scenes are getting extra 🙃🙃 @ writer, less is more! -oooh okay so if the son killed his dad, then it totally makes sense that the mom wants to plead guilty for the murder -im rly loving eun hyuk 

-”kids need to fight to grow up” .. i need bonghee and jiwook to fight and not just some petty argument, but like the one in the park scene -okay that jibong moment at eun hyuk’s trial was good–not too cringey -hmm.. what is bonghee up to… her unique insights/observances will do the case good right? -this is good, im starting to like this more: JW talking about how his lady is dirty dalkjfdalkejfa -afkjeljw she rly did go out to investigate with her hair all crazy like that im- -okay last ep i was rly not liking JW’s smile, but in this scene im welcoming it bc i can imagine this: “wow she looks all crazy but her brain is pretty” -OKAY IM BACK ON BOARD WITH THIS SHIP FCK YES LSJFAELAWKJ that natural hug and bonghee knowing all too well about JW’s excuses for skinship :))) i love when ppl are rly aware/observant -ah yes, the “dirty, but pretty” line is back🤗 -okay now im imagining what jiwook’s backhugs are like :))))) -kwon nara is so pretty, tbh im starting to feel teensy-bit sorry for her, like 0.3% -wait BH only just found out that it was her frenemy who was at the hotel with her ex-bf? -okay i saw that elevator scene from the pre-release and thought it aight :) at least im not cringing anymore -oooh is it meeting time with the mothers? -UM WHAT? IS THIS A PLOT TWIST???? his mom died?? is that why he’s not that close to the lady who owns papa johns -dang jiwook back at it again with dem acting skills …and lies -im glad the hyun soo confronted jiwook about this. and oooh dang, did he just basically use BH to threaten JW? -gdi im starting to get irritated again w/ jiwook 🙃 -okay i cant be mad at him in this moment since he’s talking about his deceased family :( -also, that kid actor has the same pout as JW, nice nice -aw so we see that the old guy (byun?) is his 2nd mother’s husband -um wat whats with the music, they cant throw in a kiss like this on me   ………… okay good,phew -jiwook lying in bED wow finally a proper place.. also they got me smiling again :))) -oh fckkkkk what is this, BH’s dad had a hand in JW’s parents’ murder??

#anyway the eps are aight this week #plot intensifies more #more questions need to be answered #for the first #time i'm getting annoyed by this show lmao oops #imma go replay cute scenes to remind myself of my love for it #suspicious partner

[youraplaya]

I am so miserable. My mom is putting too much pressure on me and has caused herself to become a stressor in my life i no longer enjoy being around her and I love her to DEATH and would do anyhting for her but she is just stressing me always tasking me with shit i dont want to fucking do. and then this nigga c. I fucking love him. i honestly think im addicted to him. lowkey but i cannnot date this nigga he will ruin me. i think. i  honestly am afraid to fully commit to him i dont want any of us to get hurt. but whenever im around which is alwyas bc i always want him around. I just wanna touch him and love on him and whenever we fight i just wanna cry like ouch my chest hurts im in oain cry. but i dont but I WANT TO, and then theres fucking w. who i mean irdc anmore im just trying to enjoy the time we have together ehich is short but its fine hes my go to guy when shit is hittin the fan which is most times so i mean thats good ig. but fck i just fck feel so bad for putting my problems on him. LIKE I SO FUKCING MANy i just hate sharing. the only time i share is when its too fucking much and i feel like im going to explode. but yeah anuwau that nigga is great always there for me mentall but we never hang out bc hes weird and doesnt show affection to his “friends” even though we’re not fucking friends we friends who are fucking sorta. i honestly think god is protecting him from me. bc im not good for his life. s yay. and my friends fucking suck and im tired of even being sad about them so FUCK THEM ill just implode by my damn self sorry i dont walk around crying and pissed like a fucking child like you sorry ik how to act like  mature person and dont walk around explining my issues like a toddler but what-fucking-ever. im honestly fine who need anybidy really. other than me hah im literally such a peolpe person it pains me. LIKE I LOVE ONE NIGGA NEED ANOTHER NIGGA AND HAVE NOOONE TO FUCKING TALK TO ABOUT IT. its cool its fine. im walking into a future fulll of debt which im reminded of everyday. and im onlt forced to get some job for littterallt a month i honestly fucking hate.. just hate idk what but i just hate it so FUCK YOU whoever you are fuck a societ full of asshole fuk irresponisble disoranized situations fuck boys fuck girls fuck me good fucking bye

[taikanyohou]

u dont have to post this but i noticed a few days ago u briefly mentioned ur sexuality & i cheekily assumed u were/are questioning, or asexual. im muslim & queer so i tend to pay close attention to other muslims who identify as non-het as i find it v hard to live w both. its rly stressful when i think about it so i tend to distance myself from the feelings bc my faith has been such a saving grace for me. but it fcks w my head :( do u have any advice for me? sry if this is upsetting or offensive

HELLOOOOOO ANON!!!

I did. It was an ask I got and …. in there I said that, I’ve been questioning myself. I always have been questioning myself. Since I was … probably 14? But I …

It’s scary. When I think about sexuality … it scares me. Because, the spectrum is so …. huge, and I don’t know where I fit into it. Coupled with the fact that I just …. I really don’t … have a huge amount of self worth. I honestly feel like … nobody will ever … want to love me romantically, for various reasons. How I am, who I am, my personality IRL, the fact that I just … can’t deal with people face to face well, that I’m actually a very very boring person that doesn’t have a great deal to talk about. I shut myself off very easily. I hate communicating with people for more than I have to, IRL. There’s just a lot …. about me … that I feel … isn’t very … pleasing. And so, I’ve already told myself to not be surprised in the slightest if I end up being alone for the rest of my life. 

And, now that I’m 21, I’m okay with living like that. I’ve come to the point where, I’ve accepted that … that is a very realistic option, that most realistic one, and that … it’s okay. It’s okay to be alone. 

Urm, but … sexuality wise, I just …. I don’t know. And it’s been on my mind …. for so long now, and I still draw blank. I just … I don’t know who I am. I wish I knew. But I don’t. And sometimes I find myself praying or asking Allah if … ya know, He’s made someone for me, or not. Anyone, but is there someone He’s made for me? I wish I could …. give some form of advice, but … this perhaps is … one area … where I’m struggling the most in.

So I just … I use the avoidance mechanism, and just …. avoid it. Avoid thinking about it. Somehow. And, I tell myself to take it a day at a time, and that everyday, if I avoid thinking about it, then, eventually, life will pass by. It’s a sad way to live life, but … it’s worked, so far, for the last 7 years. 

But, man, I know what you mean about Islam being there for you, time and time again. It’s … honestly, bought so much peace and comfort in a way that nothing else has. One thing that I can say, is that … keep trusting Allah. Keep asking him. Keep questioning him. Keep making du’a. Keep hoping. Cry if you have to in your du’a. Sometimes, I end up crying and I don’t even realise it. 

Allah will answer. Allah always answers. 

#anon #faiza answers

[youleftmeinwonderland]

Tagged by @mexicanhunny (also boo what the fck, youre from Oregon?! why are we not friends?????) 

Rules - Copy this into a new text post, delete my answers and put in ur own. When you are done tag some people and also tag me ;)  have fun!

a / age - 20 (okay im like 20 in 4 months lmao) b / biggest fear - not having a stable life/ being alone c / current time -5:30pm d / drink you had last - water (gotta get ready for tht hawaii trip so thats all im drinking sigh) e / everyday starts with - laying in bed for another 30 min after my 6:10am alarm goes off for my 8am lecture fml f / favourite song - ummmm this is hard i have too many - right now im listening to coming home by leon bridges  g/ ghosts are real? - idk probs 

h / hometown - i have too many lol but mainly its Kona, Hawaii is the one that holds my heart the most 

i / in love with - sunshine j / jealous of - those who do not struggle in life k / killed someone - all my exes l / last time you cried - last night, i watched ‘Instructions Not Included’ that movie fcks me up every time m / middle name - Ave (its latin) n / number of siblings - 2 sisters, 2 half sisters, 2 half bros lmao o / one wish - to pass all my classes this quarter bc winter quarter is fckng me up p / person you last called/texted - my stepdad q / questions you’re always asked - why im such a bitch/so uptight  r / reasons to smile - NEW EPISODE OF SUPERNATURAL TONIGHT s / song last sang – Despacito -Luis Fonsi (such a banger) t / time you woke up - 8:30 today - dont have lectures on t/th u / underwear colour - white v / vacation destination – Hawaii or Mexico  w / worst habit - swearing x / x-rays you have had – teeth, wrist, y / your favourite food - ceviche  z / zodiac sign - gemini

Imma tag: @doctor-unknown @cryingszn @theconductor-and-thetrees @imsomewhereonlyiknow @genuinemaniac and anyone else that wants to do it! 

#tagged #my text

[idksheepthoughts]

Conversations Me: you actually soft blocked me....                                   any reason why?

Her: lol the fact that you noticed this late   but it happened on accident actually and i went and unblocked               but at that point i was like lmao like she'll notice so i never mentioned it              

Me: If you hate me just say so. No need to lie.... I don't check shit like that every day but it's not that many days since I know it was maybe a week or less ... Whatever. I'm so splitting atm. So I'll shut up before I say something else             

Her: hate? when the fck did i mention that?         yes, better shut up before you stick your foot in your mouth as usual                 since i've done nothing hostile to you as if me feeling like i matter to no one and have the smallest amt of friends possible is somehow how an Attack on You.

Me: you blocked me... on "accident" how does that even happen.... i've told you tons of times that the amount of friends depends solely on yourself. and your willingness to talk to people and work past the anxiety and fear that talking to people causes. . . otherwise I wouldn't even have friends. because if i isolated and neveer talked to anyone ever first that nobody would talk to me in the first place. . . ugh whatever. i've said too much im just going to sober up and talk later i guess.... I can't always be here I try to be but like we said previously, i didn't know what to do between give you loads of attention and give you nothing at all...

Her: tumblr mobile? lol. if you can't believe me when i say that then i don't really want to talk to you since everytime i feel bad or have like, negative feelings regarding my own situations you always take it so personally (1) and then i have to dread these fcking conversations so when we've been talking normally on twitter                 it all goes to fcking shit because you can't accept that i get to feel bad and feel upset about stuff regardless of whether or not im taking actions to help myself in my own way at my own pace...doesn't mean you get to think that i hate you so i blocked you      because what the fuck how does it work when we've been chatting like everyday on twitter?                   and it was (what i thought) fine? good? (2) if it really was the case i wouldve blocked you here or just flat out deleted since then i'd only have one fucking follower :) so just. let me have emotions. and don't assume things. this is so funny because i remember you getting mad at me months ago for the same exact thing   and here we are, situations reversed  

Me: BECAUSE i have a huge fear of abandonment.... it was fine but this stuff even if its an accident just idk .... i guess you never saw how much abandonment even if its an accident sends me into depressive spirals??? have i ever left you no. i've been distant yes but i've never full on unfollowed or left... idk you block me a lot and delete and it hurts every time.                                    

Her: "even if" can you believe me????? first off???? (3) and no you havent god if it was such a problem just follow me and then ask me about it because why would i lie lol (4) i don't like friendships built on lies i'll never talk to someone like that genuinely   i have insecurities too. i have enough

Me: ok it was an accident.

Her: i didn't even think it was a problem first off considering all those people you put on your thanksgiving post. and then you never noticed/messaged me about so i was like k, so that's that! and just talked w/ you normally here  (5)           so let's just accept the fact that we've got our problems and there's better ways to handle this than assuming motives

Me: so you did change url because of that post??? like my paranoid ass thought???? i was right on that???? cause i noticed that and was like... maybe its not related but was it????? cause I just want to know... im not mad at that at all just... i want to not assume things atm.    and i notice stuff slowly because I try not to fall into obsessive traits. its not healthy to check who im following or who is greyed out or blocked every single day. . . I try to just let things be but when I do notice stuff i can't help but explode. I tried to be calm by just asking why.... but i clearly failed at that. its whatever. I followed back. if it happens again just like.. tell me please??? this stuff makes me so close to slitting my wrist                                    

Her: no, i changed my url because i was sitting on that url for a while and i wanted to use it              

Me: okay, it was just a paranoid thought.                             

Her: well, i really, really, really, don't like when you start assuming things even after i tell you or not believing me. we've been friends for how long? does it mean nothing? you'd think i'd lie at this point? x____x       (6) .those thoughts make me want to die      

Me: i'm sorry for thinking irrationally, but with how many people just up and leave, all the time even with being friends for long periods its hard not to jump to conclusions. I am in the wrong for falling into my own paranoid thoughts. You explained things and I don't believe that you are lying so its fine.                        

Her: oh, now you believe me                     after i have to hold your hand when i'm upset (7) whatever i'm probably not going to follow back because i hate that i have no friends and my mutuals ignore all my posts when i try to put myself out there     it's gotten to a point where i can't post stuff on tumblr anymore because i know no one gives a shit             like even as happy as i am about my commission i know if i post that on my tumblr i'll make the artist seem bad when no one likes my post  idc. i'm bitter and alone and probably always will be because i don't have any friends aside from you o/                           like, be grateful you even have that many people to be grateful for   (8)      i'd kill for it i feel like dying when i think about this and i think about it a lot     but ofc i don't moan about it anywhere except on this stupid fucking twitter account                   where you seem ot think i live a dandy life   (9)                                    it fcking sucks bc im trying my best!                                           anyways im done lol           oh and then you post shit like *Edit* (Screenshot of some tags where I said I always listen to people but nobody likes listening to me so I talk to my cats a lot which is true because I’m a burden and i hate bothering people with my problems so much)                    that when you damn well no i have no one else to listen to except you online      and we've been civil lately                         but ok! i guess i don't care!  because im living it up!       #sarcasm    (10)

Me: you havent followed me in probably over 10 or so months, whenever i remade, cause i don't think you followed me when i delteed either,  i didn't expect a follow back at all. i just expect us to be not mutuals but still friends? THEN TALK TO PEOPLE TALK TO PEOPLE AND TALK TO PEOOPLE thats all i did was work past my fears and talk to people and some stuck around some didn't. i dont know what else to say. some of those people haven't actually spoken to me in months either but im still grateful for them. I have nothing else to really advise on that other than you gotta put the talking in first. thats all i've done and its somehow managed to not fuck it up for this long??? i dont think i've had any friend longer than whenever we started being friends... so around 2 years...    

Her: no offense but just talking to people doesn't do shit :) but seriously, thanks :)       (Phone lagged) So I repeated my previous message by accident)                           

Her: yeah probably the only reason you havent fucked it up is because i dont want to be fucking alone and i dont give up easily so ive stayed with this even fi you make me feel like fucking shit when this happens   & since you said nothing to everything else i just said i guess im right :)             god im over this i dont want to fight and i dont want to talk to you becaus eim always explaining my problems and you just like. tell me the same shit each time as if it'll magically do stuff   liek the fact that im trying doesnt mean anything                 i dont wanna talk to you if its always going to be like this ill take the goddamn loss and be lonely while youve got your fucking harem of friends idc if its an exaggeration the point is everyone i considered a friend has just stopped talking to me completely and the only thing i get here is you telling me what to do like i need cold hard instructions for making a friend  

ME: Harem??? You know nothing about anything. Ya know what..... forget it. If it's better I don't say anything because nothing I says helps and  I'm a broken record. You want to assume because I tagged a lot of people doesn't mean I wasn't just fishing for validation. Me trying to help is just being a dumb mistake. I can't help anyone and why I try is also confusing because I am pointless. I'm keeping you in my note regardless you have been here and listened and that hadn't changed.  But if this is just going to explode it's going to explode. All I do is ruin everything and I don't even care anymore I'm going to buy a gun soon anyways. So what's the point in trying to make something work. I've always been a shit friend and it's just not worth it to you at this point. So okay.                   

Her: HERE let me qutoe for you something    "idc if its an exaggeration"                                      ^^^^^^^             unlike you im aware when im being irrational lmao    (11)     apparnetly you get to be and i dont                             thats how it always is            did you ever think about it feels for me   when my only friend does shit like this constantly    like lmao                                ofc not bc why would you consider anything from my point of view  this conversation is over until you want to stop fucking assuming i dont care       LOL     and acting as if me letting you go is the best thing that could happen to me       like we couldnt j ust talk on twitter and let it fucking be but you have todrag it all in at least i get to get stuff off my chest thats the only fucking good that comes out of this  like you dont get that you telling me the same thing hurts because it doesnt fucking work and i dont have any fucking friends  i have college to deal with and studies and that pressure but you dont know the half of it?    but you just want to assume, assume, assume   (12) i cried already out of anger    

Me: I didn't have friends in college either                                 

Her: big offense but i dont want to continue this conversation

ME: Okay

Her: unles syoure willing to admit to your bullshit       because ima lways doing that and im always getting the end of your shit      

Me: I am made of nothing but bullshit I'm nothing but a huge fucking shit storm and I always will be. You should have left a long time ago because I don't know how to not be toxic   It's not That I won't be upset by you leaving far from it but you deserved better people and maybe if you had left and kept trying as you have been things will turn around. Because literally everyone that has ever done that with me ended up fine and in a good spot. I hold people back. And that's all I can think of. I ruin other people's lives by being in it. And I've certainly made your life worse. And I'm just better off dead because I am a selfish fucking loser.     I'll shut up now.

#personal #conversations #am I in the wrong??? #my perception of reality is very bad #I wish I could tell easily when im being irrational #but i feel like im also just being belittled and treated poorly in her responses too #i am toxic #bad friends #idk ... man #there is a lot i want to say to certain points I might edit and respond with my thoughts now that I am no longer intoxicated #long post