I'm Not Sure
Pairing: Shuri x F!Reader
Warning: Just sad really. Angst. Self-Discovery. Self Doubt
Summary/Request: Our baby Shuri has been through a lot and she needs an outlet.
Word Count: 1.4k+
Author’s Note: I know i've been releasing a lot of smut filled fic but I really wanted to capture Shuri is her truest form ( in my head at least)
Taglist : @melodykisses, @blackhottie25, @tonakings, @coalmistyy, @szalipcombo, @prettyluhlaiiii, @yelenabelovasgf, @callmeoncette, @clqrosmgc, @beautybyfire, @homelessmicechild, @shurisbitch
Translations: Sthandwa = My love
Shuri’s head rests on your lap, hands caressing the sides of your hips as soft African lofi plays in the background while you two are resting in her bedroom. One of your hands travels through the maze of her curls, aiding in a soothing feeling to the woman whose mind did not allow her to rest. You are currently occupied with a book that T’Challa had left for you and Shuri to read that he had written for you. A token of love he felt for the two of you as individuals and as a pair he knew would stand the test of time. Sweet but also five hundred pages long. His heart was truly in it.
Today was one of those quiet days for Shuri. She barely responded to her colleagues at her laboratory, her mind constantly wandered to a thousand different realms during council meetings and she couldn’t seem to find her footing anymore when it came to building and trying to help her country.
Ever since she had lost her last family member, everyday Princess Shuri would always ask herself the same question and always come to no definite conclusion: who am I? For the longest time, her identity rested in her achievements or titles bestowed upon her by others. She wasn’t necessarily questioning her abilities to get tasks or assignments done; she still excelled as a scientist and during her training with the Dora but that’s just it. Is that all she is? A scientist and the Black Panther? These questions made her feel as though she was experiencing an existential crisis at the mere age of 21 but in all honesty, it has been making her so anxious and uneasy.
Turning to Bast felt like a waste of time to her since she was abandoned by her family in the ancestral plane and the last words she heard from her mother “show them who you are” didn’t resonate with her at any degree because who is she truly? Clearly her mother saw something in her that she still cannot and the fact that she doesn’t have any family to help her navigate this journey of self discovery at times pushed her over the edge.
How is she meant to find purpose and reasoning in this world that doesn’t seem to stop taking from her? She’s sure that pretty soon all that will be left of her is her name. The advancements that she has contributed to the world of science have only made it easier for her to ignore the deep rooted feeling of confusion that she felt within the depths of her soul.
Sighing out in frustration, Shuri quickly raised her head away from you, sending the book in your hand flying and giving herself an excruciating headache. Grumbling under her breath, she couldn’t help but feel pathetic. Even when she’s alone with her love, her mind still plays games on her and she seems to fall for it every single time. Luckily she has been more open and honest with you about how she has been coping with her state of being but it has been getting harder and harder everyday to put on a smile and march forward.
Climbing off the bed, she went to retrieve your novel for you, looking enticing might I add, with a simple white tank top and pair of black spanx that showed off her incredible physique that she has been training so hard to achieve. Delicately grabbing the book off the floor, Shuri felt her blood run cold as she skimmed the cover, eyes darting back and forth thinking this was yet again another trick being played on her. To My Loves by T’Challa Udaku it read. That is the name he had for the two of you, even far before Shuri had mustered up the courage to ask you to be hers. Tears filled her eyes and they eventually littered the novel in her hands. Shoulders slouched over, shaking with no intention to stop any time soon, she made her way back to the bed and buried her face in your shoulder crying until she didn’t have the energy to continue.
“Awe baby what’s going on? Is it the book? I’m sorry he told me to show it to you once I finish. I can put it away if–”
The cries became heavier and tears came out harder as she dropped her full weight on top of you, squeezing you in her arms as if you are meant to disappear at any second and honestly speaking you just might. Her mind goes back to the love her brother had for the two of you, always telling her, “Shuri, you know you’ve got a special one and you need to do everything in your power to keep her. You two are a lot more similar than you think.”
All this time she has spent searching, questioning and debating her existence and place in this world, it never dawned on her that the one person who knows her more than any other soul she’s come across might be able to truly navigate her feelings of despair. Of course T’Challa wrote a book for you and Shuri, he could never once hide his adoration for how much you have been able to help Shuri bring out the light that has always been inside of her and he also teased that the two of you would one day reign side by side as the Queens of Wakanda. If only he was here to provide his guidance to her just one last time.
“How am I supposed to be,” she sniffles, eyes meeting yours tears overflowing from her cheeks and staining her shirt, “your woman and love you the way you deserve if I can’t even understand who I am? My mind won’t give me a break and I can’t keep doing this.” Her speech is decorated with hiccups and pauses, showcasing a side of Shuri you haven’t seen in such a long time. She is normally so stoic and tall in her presence but she is now quite literally in shambles, unable to get proper handle for herself.
It’s about time she broke down like this. She’d been trying to just hold these feelings hostage without any real release and now she can truly start to move forward even if she didn’t see it that way.
“How does being the world's smartest woman or a princess help me deal with the fact that I’m lost sthandwa? How does any of this black panther nonsense help me—”
“Baby,” you cooed, wiping her tears, heart breaking at the sight ,”I need you to take a couple of breaths okay? Can you do that for me?”
Roughly shaking her head in disagreement, she continued “How is breathing gonna help if I don’t want—”
“Shuri! Please. Breathe. Right now.”
One, two, three, four, she counted in her head. Maybe she was doing too much or overreacting instead of thinking things through logically.
“Everything you are feeling is valid my love.” She has been doing a lot of thinking out loud in her most vulnerable moments. “The last thing you need to do is worry your pretty head about how you can be better for me when I accept you for all that you are.”
Shifting around in her grasp, you reach for the love letter her brother dedicated to her. Opening to the first page, you placed the book in her hands.
“Here. Read it. All you need right now is a little something to ground you.”
Deep down, she still has not been able to come to terms with her brother’s passing so the thoughts of reading his words, knowing his voice would be speaking to her scared her more than anything. Sensing her hesitance, you gently rubbed a hand on her back. “I’m right here with you. Don’t worry too much, okay?”
Slowly nodding, she gathered herself to uncover the true last words her brother had for her.
“To my Shuri. Firstly you are mine. Everything that you are comes from your heart and nothing can ever compete with how much you have changed me as a man—.” She closes the pages, heart fluttering at his kind words but the feeling of his absence taking over her once again.
Maybe this is exactly what she needed. A chance to see herself through the lenses of those who celebrated her the most. She always held her brothers’ words in the highest regard so maybe he hasn’t completely abandoned her after all. She can already start to feel a shift within herself.
Bast, she whispers in her mind, thank you.
Maybe it’s not so bad to believe again.
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Hey friends. I always promised that I would write a disclaimer if I ever wrote something sad. So here is that disclaimer: this is sad. Harry is also experiencing some internalized “ace-phobia”, if you will. Just really struggling to believe that being ace is ever enough in a relationship with someone who is not. Yes, the author is hardcore projecting on the poor character.
“I’m sorry,” Draco said, and it sounded sincere, even Harry could hear the ring of truth to it over the splintering sound of his heart. “I just,” Draco swallowed, looked down at the glass in his hands, “I think living alone would be what’s better for me right now.”
Harry nodded, shoving down the emotions, pushing back the hurt, the yearning, as he forced a smile, “no. For sure,” he said, keeping his voice light, pushing every ounce of happy-for-you-undertone that he could. “Yeah. You have to do what’s best for you,” he agreed, and he meant it, even though it hurt the way that it hurt when you sliced open your foot on a piece of glass; sudden and sharp, terribly painful in its unexpectedness.
“It’s not you,” Draco said, reaching across the table and squeezing Harry’s hand, giving him a smile and Harry wondered what the other man could see on his face. “It’s not that I don’t want to live with you,” he said.
He nodded, “right. I get it.”
“And you can come over all the time, we can have a movie night whenever we want since I won’t have Pansy and Blaise to worry about.”
“Yeah,” he said, smiling. Smiling, smiling, smiling. Please Godric, let it be enough that Draco can’t see past it. “Yeah. That sounds great,” he agreed.
“Dinner once a week,” he promised, “and we can cook together!”
He nodded, plastering the smile even harder to his face, “I’d love that,” he said. Not as much as he would have loved doing the shopping together, and cooking together in their shared space but… best not to think about it.
“I love you too much to live with you,” Draco said, like that made any sense at all.
“Yeah,” he said, pushing down the tears threatening to spill, heart throbbing in his throat. “I love you too,” he said. Not too much, he thought, more than his body could hold sometimes but not so much that he couldn’t live with the other man.
“I’m sorry,” Draco said again.
And Harry wanted to make up a lie, wanted to tell Draco he had another appointment or something, but Draco was his best friend. More than that, Harry had thought. They’d started planning a life together; he’d told Draco everything, given him his entire heart. Draco had said that he wanted Harry forever too. Harry’s worked so hard to actually believe him. But that was probably just the mixed signals that Harry sent, confusing everyone that he loved because he couldn’t love them in the way that they wanted. “Don’t be. I still have Ron and Hermione.”
“You could try living alone too,” Draco offered, and Harry knew it was because of the conversations they’d had, about how hard it could be living with people who were in love. About how alone Harry felt even when he was in the same room as them sometimes.
He knew Draco was trying to offer a good solution, “nah,” he said, aiming for casual and hoping that he hadn’t missed the mark by as much as it felt like he had. “I don’t do well on my own. It’s okay. I’m okay,” he assured.
“Okay,” Draco said, giving him a little smile. “I toured an apartment today.”
“Oh,” he said, “tell me about it!” And he let himself get lost in Draco’s joy, lost in how excited he was for his own adventure.
“And it just feels right, you know?” Draco asked when he finished describing his viewing.
“I’m really glad,” he said, genuinely because he loved Draco. Loved him with his entire heart and wanted what was good for him. But he couldn’t say he understood. He couldn’t. Because all Harry wanted was to be able to come home to Draco at the end of the day. All Harry wanted was someone to sit on the sofa with and eat dinner with. He wanted to be able to take care of Draco, to love him on his hard days and to listen to his stories. Harry wanted a place to come home to where he could just shut off the facade, could just be Harry.
But they didn’t want the same things. That was clearer now than it had ever been. Someday, Draco was going to get married. Someday, he’d fall in love with someone else, someone who could love him the same way, someone whose body wasn’t broken, someone who’d want to have sex with him. Someday, he’d meet someone who could be enough, who would have the capacity to accept the love that Draco felt like was too much for Harry.
And Harry wouldn’t deny him that. He wouldn’t stand in the way. It didn’t matter that Harry loved Draco with everything that he had, with all that he was, in every way that he was capable of loving another human. It wasn’t enough.
It hadn’t ever been before Draco. It had been foolish to believe that could have changed.
How could he have hoped that it might be now? How could he have let himself dream that he might ever be enough for the best person he knew?
He loved Draco more than anything, so he did the only thing that he knew how to do.
He loved him with every beat of his bruised and bloodied heart. Harry set aside his own needs, his own wants, his own desires and loved Draco in the way that he needed and not in the way that Harry wanted. Harry set aside his hopes, and dreams, the plans they’d made together and begged his heart to be happy for the other man.
Be good, he begged himself. Be kind.
Love was sacrifice. How could he have let himself forget?
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This isn’t really a ficlet. It’s more of a screen test. If I like it and you like it, this might be my next project after my SCBB fic is done. I’ll start posting excerpts of that soon!
CW: Mentions of death and dying, and loss.
Of all the things to kill Lena Luthor, it was a heel shearing off her shoe. It wasn’t even a proper high heel, just a two inch rise on a pair of rather stately shoes from a designer of no particular note. Lena had since passed on the Louboutins, and had long adopted more conservative cuts for her suits and dresses. She’d given up her title as CEO decades ago and now fulfilled the role of director emeritus of L-Corp’s research and development division.
It had been a good life, except for one glaring exception. She’d cured over twenty types of common cancers, developed vaccines, and almost personally reversed global warming. She had only one regret as the heel sheared off her shoe and she went tumbling down the stairs to the floor of the L-Corp lobby.
Curiously, she was only dimly aware of the pain. It was something distant, like it was happening to someone else. She heard more than felt a crushing blow to her hip and when the marble rushed up to fill her vision, the world simply went explosively white and the only thing she felt was cold.
The world stayed white, which had perplexed her. Lena had never believed in any sort of life after death, even though she had a vague sense of the supernatural. Her mother was rumored to be a witch in the Irish village where she grew up, and she’d been told as much when she visited as an adult to seek out her roots. She expected, well, nothing. Not even an awareness that there was nothing, just an absence. As she grew older, on those nights when her mortality came crashing down around her in the fitful depths of the early morning when sleep rejected her, she would rationalize death as simply not having to get up tomorrow.
She did not expect to find herself standing in her old office, the one from a lifetime ago. Her stark minimalist desk dominated the room. Without knowing why, she ran the pads of her fingers along its cool length, a ghost of a sad smile dusting her lips.
The sofa was there, too. She could barely bring herself to look at it. After Kara’s betrayal, she had disposed of it thoroughly and rearranged the office. She’d eventually be driven out of the room entirely by grief and settled into another office on a lower floor and began spending more time at home, but the penthouse gave her no solace, either, and she ended up selling it and ultimately moved the research and development department back to Metropolis and worked there.
Lena’s breath caught at the sight of a familiar photograph on one of her bookcases. She took it in trembling hands, knowing then that this must be an illusion or a dream, because she’d smashed the frame and shredded this photograph in her own two fingers.
It was her and Kara, faces pressed together and grinning, their eyes so radiant with joy that it burned Lena’s heart to see and she immediately hurled it across the room, hurling it at a vase of rare plumerias that Kara had brought for her, leaving behind a full belly and a soaring heart.
A hand plucked it casually from the air and set it on an end table near the sofa. Lena stood her ground, though her legs began to tremble.
Standing in her office was a man she didn’t know, dressed smartly in a black suit that would have been in fashion all those years ago. He had a curiously calm air about him, reserved and almost peaceful.
“Who are you?” said Lena. “I’m dead, right? Are you God? The Devil?”
“I am not a god, nor am I one of the true immortals, though it is said that in strange æons, even death may die.”
“Then who are you?”
“My name is Mxyzptlk. Kara might, perhaps, have told you of me.”
“No.”
He snorted softly.
“Typical. I am a very long lived being, Lena Luthor. My kind measure our lives in eons, and as a wise human once said, a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. For the last ten thousand years, I have been a troublemaker and an imp. Now I shall be something else. I have decided I shall be grand and wise.”
“What does that have to do with me?” said Lena.
“Not you. Kara. I still owe her a debt, and I must balance myself before I truly transition into my next iteration. I am here to balance that debt.”
“How?”
“By giving you the opportunity to give love one last chance.”
“I was never in love with-“
“Do not lie to me.”
Lena took a half step back, grabbing the desk for balance. Mxyzptlk took a few steps closer.
“I am as far beyond you as you are beyond an ant, the very forces of chaos and entropy heed my command. All time is an open book to me. Whether you admit it to yourself or not, you never married because you were hoping they Kara would stop giving you space and time to heal like you said you wanted, but never did.”
“How dare you? You don’t-“
“What Kara did to you, the way she manipulated her identities to confuse you, was cruel. Lying to you for so long was cruel.”
“Then why should I take you up on whatever this is?”
“A do-over. You’ll go back with your memories intact. You’ll have the chance to set right what once went wrong, and so will she. Or you can avoid her entirely and seek happiness elsewhere. You can leave National City behind or refuse her lunch invitations or whatever it is you think you wish you’d done. I’m not here to force you to love her. I’m giving you another chance, in truth, on her behalf. One she would pigheadedly refuse out of some misplaced sense of morals or decency.”
“Have you offered this to her?”
“No. Where she has gone now, I cannot follow. I can’t even show you where she is: her god has taken her home to his warm light. She rests in the lush fields of a prehistoric Krypton she never knew, spending eternity with her family. Rao has even used his strength and purpose to talk Mother Sol into allowing the Danvers into his domain.”
Lena’s voice cracked. “What?”
“Kara passed earlier today on Argo, from old age and cumulative injuries from her time as Supergirl, without a yellow star to protect her from them.”
“It sounds like she’s happy,” said Lena, turning away. “I… I still want her to be happy.”
“Rao is a bold god, a strong and protective one, but he is an honest lord. He does not give her the gift of forgetting, and perfect memory of love lost can be make a hell of heaven.”
“She loved me?”
“As much as you loved her. Enough to let you go.”
Lena’s hands began to shake. “It’s been so long. How-“
There was a knock at the door. Lena jumped, almost falling.
Mxyzptlk flashed to her side, crossing the space without moving.
“Choose now.”
“Who’s out there?”
“I don’t know. Whoever has the strongest claim over your soul, I suppose. You must choose now; to delay a true god is beyond even me.”
Lena swallowed, hard.
“Do it,” she whispered.
The world went mad. Everything was spinning, and trying to throw her stomach out of her body through her nose. The acrid smell of jet fuel and burning electronics stung her nose. The pilot beside her was unconscious.
And then…
The spinning slowed, and she was no longer falling. A gentle sense of lift raised her into the air, the city falling away from the cracked glass in front of her. Very gently, the helicopter came to rest on the roof, and she glimpsed a familiar figure in a cape and skirt, and her heart nearly exploded in her chest. There was a gust of wind that rocked the chopper and ice crystals crawled over the glass, crackling in the National City sunshine.
Then, she was there. Kara tore the door loose in a single, fluid motion and climbed inside, pausing to check the pilot, peering through flesh and bone to asses his injuries.
Then she looked at Lena.
Kara’s breath caught, and her pupils blew wide. Kara stared at Lena like she was something knew, unknown and wondrous, the edges of her lips curling just so despite the self serious tone as she asked if Lena was okay.
It was her. Alive, here, now. Lena couldn’t help herself; she lifted a trembling hand to cup Kara’s soft cheek, without thinking. Her throat nearly closed and no words escaped her lips. She just felt that warm, soft skin and stared right back into Kara’s otherworldly eyes, savoring the tickle of Kara’s loose honey curls slipping over the back of her hand.
“Miss Luthor,” Kara said. “Your heart is racing. We’d better get you an ambulance.”
“You saved me,” Lena whispered.
“That’s what I do,” said Kara, winking at her.
Lena almost died again.
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