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#but anyway that seemed like something worth sharing bc someone in my circles may be able to contribute
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iwishyouwuju · 3 years
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Sex Education theory about Aimee - Maeve - Ruby
I have a Sex Education head canon:
Maeve and Ruby were friends even before Ruby knew Olivia and Anwar.
Why did I come up with this hc?
Well because I was re-watching season 3 and I did not really understand why having a "small house" could lead Ruby into being the "mean girl" at school. Her father was diagnosed with sickness only recently (a year ago when season 2 happened) so she had a relatively normal childhood. Unlike say if you compare it to Adam who had Mr. Groff as a father, Ruby's dad seemed like a loving dad. So why build the defenses she put up?
I also keep thinking why was Maeve usually the receiving end of jabs from the untouchables when according to Eric, "Maeve's the coolest girl in school"? She isn't exactly the type to be bullied exhibited by the scene in s1e01 where she punches the guy who told her "nice rack", Maeve fights back... except when it comes to Ruby.
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Okay let's start with my reach! 
Ruby and Maeve’s friendship and how it ended.
Say they were childhood friends up until their teens. What drove them apart? Remember the name "c 0 ck biter" and how Maeve explained to Otis how she got the name. There was a guy called Simon who tried to kiss her but she said no when they were 14 years old. I was thinking what if ruby fancied THAT guy? and Maeve knew that's why she said no? but like in typical movies, Ruby saw the guy going for the kiss and left before she even saw that Maeve rejected? (it's a “mean girls” drama type of thing but that's where the untouchables came from anyway)
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Obviously, young Ruby was hurt and when people are hurt they can become cruel (there are several instances in the show). So when Simon, the guy she liked, told the fake story around school.. Ruby believed it. It was easier to hate Maeve when she believed that story. Maybe Maeve and Ruby had a confrontation about it maybe not.. but Ruby made up her mind. This also could've been the start where Ruby started the cool act. She learned how school "works" -- that by staying on top of the popular crowd there has to be people at the bottom.
Which begs the question "How come Maeve doesn't stand up against Ruby?" I have some answers for this:
Maybe Simon and Ruby briefly got together and her fighting back will make it seem that Maeve is just jealous so she didn't try to dispute the rumors anymore.
Whenever the untouchables bring up how "poor" Maeve is (ie. her appearance, her living in a caravan), I think Maeve knew Ruby enough to discern that it's Ruby's defense mechanism. Perhaps Maeve even knew that Ruby doesn't also live in a grand mansion and didn't want to mention it because that would just be low. And Ruby also knows that Maeve is relatively poor so she continued to pile on in fear that if she ever did say something, kids at school would be suspicious that maybe she's also poor. I observed this is a behavior she does when she's the one being in the conflict. In s1e05, when Ruby's nude photo got leaked she immediately threw out Maeve's name as a scapegoat.
It was not worth it anymore because Maeve dealt and is dealing with heavier problems such as her brother leaving her, her mom being an addict and taking off too etc.
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Now we connect the details that I got from Aimee. 
In s1e1, Aimee seemed like a new addition to the untouchables bc she doesn't seem as close to them and doesn't know what are their usual "cool protocols".
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In contrast, Aimee’s conversation with Maeve made it seem like she's been with friends with her longer (opening up about Adam, playing in their hiding spot etc).
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I think Maeve and Aimee are friends the year before but at the end of that school year Aimee got "invited" to be with the cool kids so she joined and Maeve is not the type to dwell on that popularity stuff anymore but she saw that Aimee felt glad to be considered one of the cool kids so she didn't want to say something. She also didn’t even mind that Aimee wanted to keep their friendship as a secret.
Now in season 1 episode 5, we see Ruby tackle a conflict about her nude photo getting leaked. Interestingly, she felt vulnerable enough to ask Maeve for help. “I don’t know who else to ask” she said. 
Not only that but I think this is the first scene she actually opened up to someone!! Maeve is the first person she opened up to not Otis when she shared a bit of her home situation about her grandma. And in this scene it’s like Maeve’s guard is also down because she laughed! She only really laughs around people she’s comfortable with.
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Now what did Maeve do when Ruby opened up to her?? She symphatized with Ruby and didn't even take her offer of payment. [Now this is a stretch for me because I still liked the idea that even if Maeve didn't have a past with Ruby, she would still help her.]
Now at the end of episode 5, when both Maeve and Otis cracked the mystery on who was threatening Ruby, Otis asked Maeve "How did you know it was a girl?"
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Maeve figured out that it was a girl who leaked Ruby's photo and not the boys Ruby had a fling with because Maeve understood how cruel a girl's revenge can be because she experienced it too!
After that episode where Maeve helped Ruby, I thought maybe Ruby would change. In season 2 we still see her calling Maeve names. So I’m still left wondering "Why would Ruby still call Maeve a c 0 ck biter after all the help she got from her?"
This is where Aimee comes in again. Remember the scene "I am dumping you for her." where Aimee drops Ruby and the rest of the gang for Maeve? What if Ruby took that a bit personally? I mean at that point her personality was still "Everyone knows who I am and everyone loves me." But it also had layers because not only did Aimee dumped Ruby (+anwar and olivia), Aimee replaced them with MAEVE and that maybe triggered Ruby to remember her past issues with Maeve.
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Soooo yeah that’s my brain dump. Idk I just love Ruby’s growth but I re-watched season 1 episode 1 and I started to wonder the deeper meaning of her actions. This headcanon of mine gives her depth on why she acts like that at school.
For season 4, I think I would want her and Maeve to have a conversation. And her having the initiative to say sorry to Aimee for treating her badly as a friend and then Anwar and Olivia would hopefully follow too. I also would want her to be a team player in saving Moordale just like in season 3 where she faced Hope. I would like to see Anwar and Olivia helping her move on too and in the process letting them in strengthening their friendship more. Because the show really does friendships well and I feel like that would be the full circle character development I would have wanted to see from Ruby. 
Disclaimer: I haven’t fully re-watched from season 1 - 3 I just got the screenshots from scenes I remember and skipped to those. There may be actual details that I missed that disproves my theory but yeah I was having fun with this narrative.
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makiema · 4 years
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I love Dead Apple so much and not just bc it’s fan service galore but also bc it’s riddled with a shit ton of symbolism which gives like a LOT of insight into characters! and also character dynamics!! The best example is ofc Fyodor’s monologue that has so many implications in what 4-5 lines but, my personal favorite is the Soukoku moment. part of it has to do with the fact that they’re da OTP but that aside, the meaning behind it and the representation of it all is so subtle and beautiful, I fall in love every time. so anyway thought i’d share my thoughts on the scene uh putting it below the cut bc it got long lol
First off the idea of Dazai enclosed in a circle, above the ground, beyond what can be called the realm of humans, can be construed as an allusion to his detachment from everyone. And, in a way, the manifestation of his ability “no longer human”. The main theme/conflict in DA is characters vs their abilities (and by extension, abilities represent issues each character faces and eventually overcomes) but a physical representation of “no longer human” is not possible like it’s not an animal/person/anything; it’s more like a concept. so, it’s represented on a symbolical level with Dazai trapped in a circle up above, cut off from the human world under. And the fact that Chuuya is the one who breaks into the circle is a reference to how he shares his pain and faces the same issue— isolation. (Only difference is that Dazai’s detachment is self-imposed while Chuuya’s isolation comes from the alienation he’s subjected to by others) This motif is explored in Fifteen too when Dazai decides to live after learning about Chuuya’s identity. But anyway coming back to DA, the main conflict (ability vs human) is resolved by winning against the ability and also by accepting it to a certain degree (like when Kyouka says that she needs Demon Snow) Now Dazai does it too— he wins against “no longer human” and also accepts it; but all that happens with Chuuya in the frame. The moment he touches Chuuya, he uses his ability to save him which shows his acceptance of an ability that others detest and even, he might personally hate at times, but that can be used to save someone. Unfortunately this ability also represents his nullification from being human—the deeper psychological issue as far as Dazai is concerned. However, someone does break in and make it possible for him to fall back on the ground, in extension, makes him human again/reminds him of his humanity/brings him back to the human world. And that ofc has to be Chuuya, someone who does share this issue of alienation thanks to him being half Arahabaki and half human. so, basically the subtext here is that just like Chuuya needs Dazai to save him from himself (something that is literally represented) Dazai needs Chuuya too (something that is represented thru a series of metaphors, symbols and motifs) Chuuya is the figure that makes Dazai think living is worth it simply bc he has it far worse than Dazai, he has a literal God trapped in him and his first 8 years is a void, so if someone that alien/“non human” can still push on then why can’t he (this is the message in Fifteen) and the message in DA is that Chuuya experiences the same isolation that Dazai does. The freeze frame of both of them, enclosed in a dividing bubble, cut off from everything, is strongly suggestive of this. so, Chuuya can and should be the one who helps Dazai win against his ability or rather, fight against his issue; he is the person who can help Dazai reconsider human ties and consequently, make him feel like he’s as much a part of this world as anyone else. because when isolation is shared, it doesn’t really feel like isolation anymore. the sharing becomes significant and like a doorway— it is the first of many potential bonds that are in fact possible for Dazai, giving him a chance at belonging. just like he belongs beside Chuuya, just like his ability can be used in tandem with Chuuya’s, he can, in fact, belong with others too and co-exist with them along with his ability. The things separating him from others are his own fear of loss, his uncanny intelligence and his weird ass ability but, with Chuuya in his life, the gulf closes bc Chuuya is far too strong to die on him and actually needs Dazai’s ability to survive; Chuuya is quite possibly the only person grateful for Dazai’s ability because it’s literally a life saver in his case and also, Dazai’s intelligence doesn’t put him on a solitary pedestal (like Fyodor) bc Chuuya has enough physical strength to counter it and hence, stand his ground against it. He has been doing that since they met and thanks to their rivalry, Dazai didn’t end up developing a God complex like Fyodor. (he still has an annoying superiority complex but it could have gotten worse if Chuuya wasn’t there to sort of humble him) Chuuya can stand beside Dazai as his equal and he’s imbued with every human quality imaginable; he is entirely reliant on the connections he has forged and values and embodies qualities like trust and loyalty to a profound extent, so he becomes the key for Dazai, the key to save Dazai from himself, from the darkest part of himself. The darkest part of Dazai is actually his double, Fyodor and by the end of DA, Dazai is with people while Fyodor is not which signifies that Chuuya has indeed saved him. When Dazai says, “I hope that man fulfilled his loneliness” with a soft smile, it’s not just an observation, it’s more than that— it’s a v subtle personal realization. so what DA implies is that Chuuya can and does reach him at a place where no one else can. and that is something that serves as a constant reminder to Dazai that he’s not really non-human/cancelled from human society like he thinks he is. Just by existing, Chuuya helps Dazai overcome all three of his issues: 
suicidal tendencies— he thinks living is worth a try as opposed to his prev conclusion that there is nothing worth prolonging a life of suffering.
isolation— there’s a strong sense of belonging and connection with chuuya in DA that, in turn, foreshadows the development of future connections with others something that Dazai does crave but, doesn’t/can’t pursue bc of his own fear of loss (oda and ango) and also bc people idolize him too much and altho it doesn’t seem too bad on the surface, it does end up alienating him bc the dependency is working one way (akutagawa and atsushi) 
superiority complex— he counters Fyodor by saying that even if humans are ‘sinfully stupid’ (and who is a better example of this than chuuya lol. the fact that the panel of fyodor saying this comes right after a chuuya panel is no conincidence it’s fairly telling) there’s nothing wrong with it! dazai’s superiority complex could have gotten worse and developed into a god complex just like fyodor’s had chuuya not strived to maintain an equal footing with him or if he hadn’t seen chuuya, someone who is actually half-god, going out his way for people and in a way, being more “human” than he ever can bc chuuya considers himself at the same level as others, if not lower (i mean, his self esteem is so low that he thinks he has to swear loyalty to a p*do) unlike dazai. so yeah that self-sacrificing nature and sense of loyalty, which may seem “sinfully stupid” is something appreciable to Dazai simply bc empathy, loyalty, trust,etc are things that human connections are based on. things that dazai lack, but chuuya embodies. things that dazai wishes he had so he could belong. so anyway, my point is chuuya just being himself does a number on dazai’s superiority complex whcih in turn helps him challenge fyodor! 
 All in all from the way Dazai and Chuuya’s arcs and their interactions are planned out, it’s safe to say they are indeed soulmates and I’m not trying to push this romantically, bc altho the canon is strongly suggestive, it’s not of romance per se it’s more like suggesting how they need each other to complete and save each other. Like, Dazai needs to incorporate Chuuya’s qualities and vice versa to become better versions of themselves and also needs each other on a very literal level just to survive/live on. Asagiri mightn’t draw them holding hands or smth or use conventional soulmate tropes/proofs that’s fanfic material but I’m just saying that it is v much canon that they really do complete each other and absolutely can’t survive w/o each other and that to me is really really beautiful <3
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The Couple Next Door VI (Roger Taylor x Female!Reader)
Find Part Five Here
A/N: Y’all, I know this was kinda filler and may not make a whole bunch of sense bc I was half asleep while writing this, so I apologize if this is shit. I legit thought I was going somewhere with this, but I think I’ll find some more inspiration after posting this part.
Again, I am so sorry.
Summary: Y/n comes down with a case of Baby Fever; She and Roger talk a little more about their “agreement”.
(Whichever Roger you want, real or Borhap. Whatever flies your kite.)
WARNINGS: Swearing most likely, Slow burn, mentions of sex, etc. I’m sorry if I forgot some.
This chapter will be brought back down to a T, but read at your own risk.
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When you woke up from your deep sleep the following morning, you weren't expecting Roger to be by your side.
 And when you turned to glance over your shoulder, you were in no way shocked to find the space next to you empty. 
 "At least he didn't show me the door as soon as he woke up," you mumbled to yourself mid-yawn. You stretched your body out, and relaxed again. You nearly fell back to sleep, but you knew you had to get up. 
 The sun's rays flooded Roger's bedroom through the open window, making the off-white walls appear brighter than they actually were. 
 You were happy to see the clouds from the previous day dispersed and London was finally getting the sunshine it deserved. 
 Eventually, after a long while of you trying to convince yourself to get up, you tossed the blankets to the side to start the day, only to find, through your bleary eyes, that you were missing all of your clothes. 
 You had no problem with this, considering the previous night's circumstances, but you found it strange that you used to hate sleeping naked, though you had the most refreshing sleep in your entire life doing it.
 You didn't dwell on the thought much longer. You climbed out of bed and walked around the room, searching for your pyjamas, or underwear, or something to leave the bedroom in. 
 Then you stopped. 
 "I don't need fucking clothes." Roger was probably at practice. And even if he weren't, it's not like he hadn't seen all of you before, or was never gonna see all of you again. 
 You rolled your eyes at yourself, turned on your heel, and moved towards the bedroom door. 
 You caught sight of yourself in the mirror over Roger's dresser for a split second, and as soon as you reached for the doorknob, you rushed back to the mirror to actually get a good look at yourself. 
 From the jawline down to your hipbones, dark, painful-looking bruises and prominent bite marks were harshly pressed into the skin of your torso. 
 You had hickeys and marks on your neck, collarbone, breasts, navel, you name it.
 You hissed in pain as you tilted your head back and touched a particularly large blue-violet bruise at the side of your throat. Your flesh was tender, but, much like how you reacted when you woke up nude, you were okay with it. 
 You started thinking of the night before, and you squeezed your legs shut, though it was somewhat painful to do. 
You realized just then that the hickeys did, in fact, pass below your torso. 
 You shut your eyes and sighed heavily. 
You didn't even want to bother looking at the damage down there. 
 "As long as my foundation can cover the ones on my neck," you concluded to yourself before finally exiting the bedroom. 
 After showering and making your way downstairs to prepare a cup of coffee, you were pleased to see half a pot was already brewed and ready for you.
 You were very glad to see things between you and Roger hadn't changed a bit.
 After coffee, you decided to do some cleaning. It was your day off, though you really felt like you needed to be productive. 
 You started by doing laundry. This included yours and Roger's bedsheets, the throw blankets on your sofa and living room chair, and all of yours and Roger's dirty clothes. 
 While those were in the washer, you decided to hoover all the carpets and mats, and after that, dusting. 
 You switched the laundry over to the dryer, and started a new wash. You were basically done everything else, and it was only noon. 
 You wondered if there was something to do outside, so to pique your curiosity, out the door you went. 
 You noticed an unoccupied flowerbed by the front window, though gardening wasn't your thing. You continued on.
 Your yard's grass was constantly cut by your landlady's husband, you believed his name was Issac Welch; so you didn't have to worry about that. 
 You stood in your driveway completely defeated, and at a loss for something to do. 
 "Yoohoo, good afternoon, Y/n!" You heard a melodic call from a woman to your left. In your peripherals, you could see Bethany Lester, a young woman, maybe a little older than you, twiddle her fingers at you in excitement. 
 You didn't know whether to panic, or to roll your eyes. You were forced to meet seven more of your neighbours after having dinner with the Garrison's, and she just so happened to be one of them. 
She was kind, but a little too bubbly for your liking.
 Despite your annoyance, you thought it'd be more civil and appropriate to approach her and strike a conversation, rather than ignore her; even though you wanted so badly to just walk back inside and shut the door and not talk to anyone for the rest of the day. 
 You turned your head in Bethany's direction and smiled. "Hello, Beth!" You walked to her place, a few doors down, where she sat in a yellow sundress on the concrete with her little boy, Raymond. 
 He was playing with chalk and writing out letters and numbers, backwards and forwards, and in no exact order. 
“ Say hi to Y/n, sweetie," She requested from her son, who turned his head to you, smiled, and said, "Hello! I can draw a doggie! Wanna see?!" 
 "Sure!" You encouraged. Raymond excitedly got up from his spot and ran to the front door. He returned with a bucket containing many more pieces of chalk, most of which were different colours. 
 "How've you been, recently?" Bethany asked as she looked away from her son as he began drawing his masterpiece. 
"Still getting used to the new place?" 
 "Yeah, it's still a little weird. But kind people like you are helping me and Roger settle in quite nicely." 
Bethany smiled at your comment, and nodded her head. 
 "We like making newcomers feel welcome. We're all like one big happy family here, us neighbours," she laughed airily. 
 You smiled tightly, and laughed along with her. You found yourself slipping into a situation in which plans would probably be made before you ended the conversation, though you definitely did not want to make plans. 
 "Well, that's awfully nice of you." 
 Raymond shoved his hand into the chalk bucket, and violently moved his arm around until he pulled out, to your surprise, the exact colour he was looking for, before going back to drawing his dog. 
 Your brief interruption didn't stop Bethany from talking more, unfortunately. 
 "How are you and Roger, anyways? I always see you two out and about the complex. You two really do make a good couple." 
 You smiled warmly at Bethany's words, your face growing hot as you, once again, remembered last night. 
 "He was really great..." you paused for a second, and realized what you'd just said, eyes wide in horror. 
 "Is. He is really great. He's fine." You took a deep breath. "Sorry. I just... I get all nervous thinking about him."
 "Still in the 'Honeymoon Phase’?" Bethany guessed aloud. 
 "Been together five years. I think we're well past the ‘Honeymoon Phase’."
 Raymond stood to his feet again, and turned to look at you. You smiled at him as he approached you, and pulled on your sleeve. 
"I'm finished my doggie, Y/n!" 
 "Well, what are you waiting for?! Show me!" 
 You let Raymond pull you to the area of concrete he was working on, and he pointed to the round balloon-looking animal proudly. 
 You could tell it was a dog. He added some pretty identifiable features like a long tail, floppy ears, and a comedic tongue.
 You sat down cross legged in front of the drawing, and began complimenting it and going into full depth about how moving the drawing was to you, like how an art critic would speak about another's work.
 Raymond, although he probably had no idea what you were talking about, smiled and gushed and laughed about everything you were saying. 
 You found this utterly adorable, and told him that if you had a bajillion pounds, you would spend every single one of them on one of his drawings if he ever became an artist.
 Raymond thanked you endlessly for your kindness until he picked up another piece of chalk and gave it to you. 
"Can you draw, Y/n?" 
 "Well, I can certainly try, but I don't know if my skill will ever compare to yours!" 
You tried to draw a cat, as badly as you could, and afterwards tried to claim it as "the best doggie I can draw". Raymond just found this hilarious, and his little giggles were contagious. 
You found yourself in a laughing fit, as well. 
 "You're really good with kids, Y/n." 
 "I like to think I am," you answered with a smile as you drew a stick person with spiky hair. 
 "Have you and Roger thought about having kids?" You looked up from your drawing to Bethany. 
"Funny you say that. The Garrisons asked the same thing." She shrugged innocently. 
"You just... seem like good mother material. And he, good father material." You laughed out loud at that. 
You didn't see it for yourself. 
"Thanks, Beth, but I don't know if Roger even wants to have children. We're probably not even cut out for the job." 
 "... You've never spoken to him about it before?" 
 You shook your head. "No, not exactly." 
 Bethany frowned a little. "Cole and I had Raymond only two years after we started dating. I was fresh out of college. Your age, I bet." 
 You looked over at Raymond, who was sticking his tongue out in pure concentration as he tried to draw a perfect circle. You didn't know if you could imagine someone, especially a little kid, sharing your features. 
 "It's worth it, you know," You turned to look at your neighbour again. "Having kids, I mean. Believe me, it's tiring, and lots of hard work, but going to bed knowing you have someone else to love just..."
 Bethany sighed happily. 
"It'll make you feel really good about where you are in life." 
 The conversation you had over at the Garrisons' was more from a paternal point of view, so hearing this from an actual mother roughly your age was actually sort of... helpful. 
 "I... I think I may talk to him. Tonight, actually. About this whole... baby thing." 
"You should. I thought I wanted to wait until Cole and I were married, but things changed and now look at us: Engaged and with a three year old boy who means the world to us." 
 You smiled sadly at that. 
 It hurt because this was something you knew you may have wanted. 
 And it hurt even more because this was something you knew you were never going to have. 
 "Hey, Bird," you heard a familiar, startling voice behind you, and you turned to see, as you'd guessed, Roger, who held a hand out to pull you back to your feet. 
 "You're... You're back from practice early," you commented in a flustered tone, taking his hand anyways and letting him help you up. 
 "We figured we'd cut things short today, go home to our girlies." Your skin rose with goosebumps, and you blushed when Roger cupped your face and pressed a soft kiss to your forehead. 
 "Hey, Beth, nice seeing you again," Roger said after pulling away from you, to which you puffed out a sigh of relief, though he slid an arm around your waist all too soon, and you felt your face burning again.
 "It's nice seeing you too, Roger."
 "Hi Roger!" Raymond waved enthusiastically to the drummer, and he returned the greeting by going over, getting down on his knees, and high-fiving the kid. 
 Raymond offered to show Roger the drawing of the dog he did, and you watched as Roger picked up a piece of chalk out of nowhere and started adding to the picture. 
 Your nervous stare melted away and transformed into one of admiration as you watched Roger bond with Raymond. 
 Bethany got to her feet, and approached you, her eyes on her son as he offered blue chalk to Roger, who took it gratefully and drew a flower. 
 ...
 At least you think it was a flower. 
 "Still having doubts about being parent material?" Bethany asked rhetorically, nodding towards the sight before you. 
 You knew all of this was a charade, but... 
 Watching Roger behave like this, with a child, had some sort of effect on you.
 And you knew you needed to talk to Roger about this problem sooner than later, because you really didn't want the whole neighbourhood waiting on you two for engagement news or pregnancy announcements that were clearly not coming. 
_____________________________
 You and Roger eventually returned home after saying good bye to Raymond and Bethany. The both of you stepped into the house, shut the door, and that's when the both of you noticed how quiet the atmosphere was. 
 Roger was looking at you in a shy manner, and your face warmed up as he mumbled a quiet "Hi, Y/n."
 "Hey, Rogie," you breathed back softly. He smiled a little, and toed his shoes off. You followed suit.
 "How uh... how were you this morning?" He asked, frowning a little afterwards. "... I'm sorry I didn't wake you up. I just... I didn't wanna bother you."
 "It's okay," you spoke as gently as he did. You didn't know why you were talking so quietly, but you both just silently agreed that it was necessary at that moment. 
 "I had a good sleep." 
 "Well... that's good. Um... I did too." 
 "Good." 
 "Yeah." 
 Silence took over again, and Roger, leaning against the front door, looked around the hallway to find something other than you to look at. He didn't like staring, but it's all he wanted to do when you were around. 
 You, leaning against the wall adjacent to Roger, was looking around the room with the same intentions. 
 After finding nothing else to really look at, Roger just decided to interact with you. 
 He pushed himself off his spot against the door, and slowly moved towards you. His arms slid around your body in a warm, comforting manner. His embrace was welcoming, and you found yourself giving in to his affection. 
 His lips kindly pecked your forehead like how he did outside, and you smiled a little at the gesture. He kissed your forehead again, and then your cheek. 
 Roger knew if he didn't pull away, he would just end up taking you to bed like he did the night before, but he didn't want you to feel like he was just using you for sex. 
As much as he wanted to keep up with the physical affection, he knew he had to separate from you at some point. 
 You looked up at him, and as he pulled away, it was as if you were gravitating towards him. You wanted his touch to linger for as long as possible, so your body moved with his hands as they fell to his side. 
 You cleared your throat awkwardly when you took notice of how close you'd actually gotten to Roger, and you expanded the space between the both of you by stepping back. 
"... Are you hungry?" 
 Roger only nodded to your question, and you wordlessly moved to the kitchen to find something to make for lunch. 
 Roger followed along, and watched as you started searching the cupboards for something to eat. 
 You picked up and put down many cans, pretending to read them before setting them back on their rightful shelves. Your mind was too preoccupied with the societal expectations this complex had, and that the stress was finally catching up to you. 
 Eventually, after picking up the same can of vegetable soup for the seventh time in a row, Roger made his way over, put the can back for you, and closed the cupboard. 
 He waited silently for you to start talking, and you felt defeated. 
"Roger, they're expecting us to have a baby."
 "I know." 
 "And they want us to get married." 
 "I know." 
 You frowned.
You thought back to how you and Roger behaved with Raymond.
Like you thought then, it was everything you may have actually wanted, but you couldn't have. 
And it hurt the more you repeated that in your head. 
 "... What if this wasn't such a good idea?" You asked Roger, eyes casted down at the clean marble countertops you wish you'd grown so accustomed to the previous couple of weeks living there. 
 "Hey, hey," Roger's hand squeezed your shoulder, and you looked up at him with sad eyes. 
 "You wanted this place, Y/n, and we sacrificed so much to get it for you!" 
 "... But it wasn't my idea to pretend we're a couple just for a house, Roger." 
 The glimmer of hope in Roger's eyes, like a candlewick, burnt out when you said that. 
 Was it really his fault you two were in this situation? 
 You sighed. "We agreed at the very beginning of this arrangement that things weren't going to change. We were going to avoid the neighbours at all costs, and live here for as long as we could as nothing but friends." 
 The more you spoke, the more deflated Roger felt. 
 So that's how you felt about him. 
 Nothing more than a friend. 
 "We can keep this arrangement going, as well as the uh..." you cleared your throat. "You know..." 
You gestured between the both of you and Roger nodded slowly. 
 He was rather relieved that was still on. You had a rockin' body, and you definitely knew how to use it. 
 ".. But I don't know how much longer we will survive here if we don't shut up." 
 "Yeah." Roger tried to interrupt the silence between voices to make things a little less awkward, and suspenseful. "Yeah, no, okay. Okay, I got it. No more talking." He frowned. 
 "You need to stop talking too, y'know," he said quietly, in the kindest tone he could. "You tend to panic and say random shit and that may not be good for us, either." 
 You nodded. "Been trying to work on that. It's hard to avoid these people!" 
 "This morning, Charles was standing outside and immediately started a conversation with me. It was almost like he was waiting for me." 
 You shivered unpleasantly. "That's pretty creepy," you mumbled in a funny voice, all of a sudden. It was one you used in high school all the time when Roger was turned down by a girl; and, believe it or not, happened a lot more often than one would think. 
 "Tell me about it," Roger responded through a giggle, his eyes began to shine like they had been when you'd first walked into the kitchen, ecstatic you decided to lighten the mood with your little side comments. 
You offered him a pleasant smile, and reached up for the cupboard's handle again to properly search for something to cook, but Roger closed it again with the palm of his hand. 
 "... I really hope you know that... everything I said last night... about you, and how pretty you are..." 
 You looked from one blue eye to the other in wait. You would have hated how many times Roger paused during a conversation, but... it made your heart soar. 
 "Everything was true."
 And that is when your heart skipped a beat. 
 "I know, Rogie," was all you said in response, reaching up and kissing his cheek before moving past him to look into the other cupboards for lunch-potential foods.
 Roger was grinning from the innocent peck you gave him, though you were unaware of it because his back was turned to you. 
 But you had a feeling that's just what he was doing. 
 Though you were happy Roger was feeling a little better, you still had this dark feeling hanging over you.
 If you wanted a domestic life with a husband and children, you would have to leave Roger, and this house. 
 But on the other hand, this was your home; Roger was your home. And to stay with him, you would have to give up your dreams of being a caring mother, and a loving wife. 
 You leaned your head sadly against the cupboard door. 
 You silently wondered if there even was a way you could have everything you wanted.
_____________________________
A/A/N: After editing a little, I don’t think this part is horrible, but it’s not the best. Hopefully the next chapter will be good enough for us to forget about this one.
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luthienne · 5 years
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How does one let go? Of another, of one's self, of the life you thought you were living. Do you know any fitting poems or quotes describing the phenomenon of moving forward?
I’m not sure that I’ve ever let go of anything in my entire life. This Anne Carson quote always seems to sum up my thoughts in four succinct lines:
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I find the phenomenon of letting go so inextricably tied with the idea of healing or recovery, perhaps because that’s what the desire to “let go” and move forward looks like for me. How do you let go of something that happened to you or within you, something that has altered your conception of the world from one day to the next, that has altered your own perception of yourself, of who you thought you were or could be, of what you thought your life would be? How to come to terms with the reality that there is no return to who you were before? 
For me it’s less a deliberate choice to brush my hands together and “let go”, but more simply putting one foot in front of the other every day until I find myself in a (perhaps even just slightly) different place than before. It’s allowing myself to grieve what I thought my life would be, and also allowing space to hold gratitude for what my life contains. It’s waiting for everything inside of me and around me to shatter, and meanwhile still moving forward. It’s allowing myself to realize that I’m still here and I’m still a whole person, even if the pieces of me have shattered and rearranged themselves into something I don’t necessarily always recognize. It’s sitting alone with myself, with the silence that sometimes makes a home of my throat, with the restlessness beneath my skin, with the fear that who I am becoming won’t be enough, and moving anyway in any direction but back. It’s sitting with grief and shame and bitterness and groundlessness, and understanding that these feelings are temporary, and not things be used to validate my fears or distortions.
I think the deliberate choice involved for me is the one to allow space for growth, to not cling so tightly to past hopes or ideas that there is no longer any room for anything else, anything new, anything different. It’s allowing myself the belief and compassionate understanding that I can be something other than I thought or hoped I would be, and it’s ok. I think sometimes we deny ourselves chances to grow or change because of the shame we feel that we have failed, and to deny ourselves those opportunities for growth would be the real shame. What others believe does not matter—that we have invested ourselves utterly in a relationship that failed is no shame on us, that we have invested ourselves utterly in a dream or a hope that just didn’t work out is no shame on us. I think the worst thing is to remain in a place that is no longer serving us for fear of appearing the failure to others. There is so much opportunity to be had in letting go of one thing, anything, to make room for something else.
I don’t know that this compilation of poetry, essays, literature, and letters will offer any insight, or comfort, or guidance. Letting go must surely be an intensely personal process, an intensely personal thing, a different kind of animal for everyone—but still there seem to be some universal experiences. So these are some of the words that came to mind for me—whether they touch on grappling with the impossibility of letting go and moving forward, the hope of it, the desire for it, the loneliness of it, or the frustration with it (bc of course it’s something that cannot be forced, only something that can be allowed):
“What could I have grown up to be? What kind of human woman, what kind of simple, happy thing? If I had never been broken on a bird’s wing. If I had never seen the world naked. I want to be myself again…I want to stop knowing everything I know.”
Catherynne M. Valente, Deathless
“On the surface, I was poised, cool, indifferent. […] The discrepancy between what I would show the world and the chaos I felt grew steadily more intense.”
Louise Glück, Proofs & Theories: Essays on Poetry
“There were glimpses, moments, breathing spaces of calm, but all the rest of the time it was like living in a house that couldn’t be cured of the habit of catching on fire, on a ship that got wrecked every day.” 
Katherine Mansfield, “At the Bay”
“Words can’t describe the wound. / Perhaps more importantly / words alone / can’t heal the wound.”
Emily Pettit, “Hands Like Lighters”
“But sometimes words are the only hands / we have to touch a bruised memory / or cleanse a wound that never healed / or lift a body we carried for years / at last to the pyre of shared grief.”
Fred Dings, Eulogy for a Private Man
“I sat on a gray stone bench / and placed my grief / in the mouth of language, / the only thing that would grieve with me.” 
Lisel Mueller, Alive Together: Poems
“I am not myself, and cannot ever be / again. I am my own emptiness, trying to fill my emptiness / with words.”
Robert Kroetsch, “Letters to Salonika”
“Now that I’m free to be myself, who am I? / Can’t fly, can’t run, and see how slowly I walk.”
Mary Oliver, from Blue Iris
“Can I never escape this interminable mourning for myself?”
Susan Sontag, from Reborn
“The light of the moon poured down; its beauty, / its radiance. / And I grieved and grieved. I grieved for so long.”
from Phoebus was gone, all gone, his journey over (tr. Eavan Boland)
“When will, when will, when will it be enough, / the saying and lamenting?” 
Rainer Maria Rilke, Uncollected Poems
“…she was only trying to smooth out something she had been given years ago folded up;”
Virginia Woolf, To the Lighthouse
“It seemed increasingly impossible to remember a time when I had been fully alive, impossible to imagine a future in which I would live that way again.” 
Louise Glück, Proofs & Theories: Essays on Poetry
“Everything is so fragile. I feel so lost. I live off secret, radiating, luminous rays that would smother me if I didn’t cover them with a heavy cloak of false certainties. God help me: I have no one to guide me and it’s dark again.”
Clarice Lispector, The Stream of Life
“Make a place for yourself in the darkness and wait there. Be there.”
Denise Levertov, To Stay Alive
“Losing is also ours; and even forgetting has its shape in the permanent realm of change. Things we’ve let go of circle; and though we’re rarely at the center of these circles: they trace around us the unbroken figure.” 
Rainer Maria Rilke, “For Hans Corossa” (tr. Edward Snow)
“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. / It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift.”
Mary Oliver, “The Uses of Sorrow”
“Things take us hard, no question. / How do you make it, all the way from here to morning?”
Adrienne Rich, Diving into the Wreck
“Following a fearful night I do not quite / remember came a kind / of dawn, not light, / But something we could see by.”
Edna St. Vincent Millay, “Dream of Saba”
“Afterward, you go back to the old place—all that remains is char: blackness and emptiness. You think: how could I live here? But it was different then, even last summer. The earth behaved as though nothing could go wrong with it. One match was all it took. But at the right time—it had to be the right time. The field parched, dry—the deadness in place already so to speak.” 
Louise Glück, Averno
“…the longing, not for something distant or remote, but for what is lost forever, something that can never return.”
Henia Karmel, A Wall of Two
“When a thing’s gone, it’s gone. It’s over and done with. Let it go then! Ignore it, and comfort yourself, if you do want comforting, with the thought that you never do recover the same thing that you lose. It’s always a new thing. The moment it leaves you, it’s changed.”
Katherine Mansfield, “Je ne parle pas français”
“I cannot go back now. […] For me to go back is impossible, now or later.”
Marina Tsvetaeva, from a letter to Boris Pasternak
“There comes a day when the trees / refuse to let you pass / until you name them.”
Lisel Mueller, Second Language: Poems
“Anyway, it’s in grappling with things at the source that you can tell best whether a thing is worth continuing or not… In other words, everything is worth investigating, wasting time over, if it interests you. There is always a deep, unconcealed reason why it interests you.”
Henry Miller, from a letter to Anaïs Nin 
“We only live by somehow absorbing the past—changing it. I mean really examining it and dividing what is important from what is not (for there is waste) and transforming it so that it becomes a part of the life of the spirit and we are free of it. It’s no longer our personal past, it’s just in the highest possible sense, our servant. I mean that it is no longer our master.”
Katherine Mansfield, from a letter to J.M. Murry
“…only one thing is urgently needed: to attach oneself with unconditional purpose somewhere to nature, to what is strong, striving and bright, and to move forward without guile, even if ithat means in the least important, daily matters. Each time we tackle something with joy, each time we open our eyes toward a yet untouched distance we transform not only this and the next moment, but we also rearrange and gradually assimilate the past inside of us.”
Rainer Maria Rilke, from a letter to Adelheid von der Marwitz
“Keep busy with survival. Imitate the trees. Learn to lose in order to recover, and remember that nothing stays the same for long, not even pain, psychic pain. Sit it out. Let it all pass. Let it go.”
May Sarton, Journal of a Solitude
“One must let life run its course. The human being destroys so many things on his own, and it is not in his power to restore anything. Nature, by contrast, has all the power to heal as long as one does not eavesdrop or interrupt it.” 
Rainer Maria Rilke, from a letter to Anita Forrer
“Do not try to be saved, but let redemption find you, as it certainly will. Love is its own rescue; for we, at our supremest, are but its trembling emblems.”
Emily Dickinson, from a letter to T.W. Higginson
“To take things easy, not to fight against the ebb and flow of life, but to give way to it—that was what was needed. It was the tension that was all wrong.”
Katherine Mansfield, “At the Bay”
“If you find yourself disappointing—drop self-expectations. What you are turning into you cannot expect to know, but you can trust it, and believe that if it is other than you planned, it will also be better than you planned—however different.”
Kahlil Gibran, from a letter to Mary Haskell
“To live in this world / you must be able / to do three things: / to love what is mortal; / to hold it / against your bones knowing / your own life depends on it; / and when the time comes to let it go, / to let it go.”
Mary Oliver, “At Blackwater Pond”
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ayz8yf9q-blog · 5 years
Text
Looking for cheap car insurance,small car,mature driver? any recommendations?
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Looking for cheap car insurance,small car,mature driver? any recommendations?
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