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squeepotatoes · 1 year

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#i made a meme #the witcher (tv)#the witcher #ftr i don't care that much #i think recasting is okay #and we don't actually know the reasons #but funny

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shotmrmiller · 2 months

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@magicislikelove said pathetic!simon with single mom reader.

pathetic!simon sees you the first time when you move in, dragging a heavy box through to your door, and he is enthralled.

he also doesn't move to help you because the grunts that escape your lips from the effort set his loins ablaze.

your flushed skin glistening with sweat— a rosy hue across your face, perspiration dripping from your temple down to your chin, where it collects like dew drops. (he wonders if you taste like brine, or sweet like golden wheat)

the swell of your soft hips peeking from under your damp shirt that rides up whenever you bend down to get a good grip on the edges of the cardboard box. (he wishes those dainty fingers would caress his scarred back, leaving trails of red in their wake)

every noise that spills from your bow-shaped lips the color of petals sends a lick of pleasure up his spine, white-hot and agonizing. (what he wouldn't do for you to spit into his mouth, or maybe just on him altogether and make him clean it up)

he watches you raise your arms to pull your sweaty hair away from your face with delicate hands— slender, fragile wrists twisting it into a makeshift sloppy bun. (would you tug on his hair like that? would you pull until you felt the cropped strands pop from his scalp?)

and then you look up and notice him standing in the hallway, right by his front door. your eyes lock onto his, and he feels the oxygen in his lungs being siphoned away.

"uh, hi."

his breath lodges in his throat, or maybe it's spit because he's spinning on the balls of his feet, his back to you as he barks out dry coughs until he can breathe again.

"are... are you alright?" the slight worry in your voice has his cock twitching.

he'd be better if he could use that shirt you're currently wearing as a mask— the wet spots right over his crooked nose.

"yes. sorry. i'm a little ill," he hoarsely utters before turning back around to face you. "it's just a mild cough, so i can help ya with tha', if ya like." his head tips toward the box he's been watching you fight with for the past half-hour.

"i'd, i mean, yeah...okay." he doesn't care that you sounded almost coerced, simon moves with the speed he uses in the field, and is by your side in seconds, hoisting up the box wordlessly.

he stares at you, waiting for you to turn around and invite him into your home.

"uhm, right this way," you push open the door quietly, and point at the kitchen floor. "there please."

simon does as you say, (like a good boy, he thinks, won't you let him be your good boy?) when he hears a child's cries come from behind a closed door.

"ah, duty calls. i really do appreciate you helping me," you give him a small grin. "i'll see you around, yeah?"

simon slowly nods at you before turning to leave, opening your front door when he notices that you've begun to walk toward your wailing offspring. (he didn't see a ring on your finger)

he discreetly swipes the scented plug-in (just a touch too hot in his roughened palm) by the door and heads toward his own flat.

simon doesn't even fully undress, just hastily undoes the button of his jeans and lets them drop mid-thigh before he slams his back on the living room wall and begins to unscrew the plug-in.

the slick, hot, aromatic oil pulls a sibilant hiss from his thin, chapped lips as it touches the sensitive skin of his meaty cock and lathers himself in it with a couple of experimental strokes.

he squeezes the base of it, encircling it with his large hand, so tight it hurts.

that's what you'd feel like around him.

simon grips himself and starts to fuck his fist— choppy, desperate thrusts that has his toes curling in his muddy, creased boots.

his hand is calloused, just on the edge of too rough, but it doesn't stop him from imagining it's you that's on his cock, bouncing on it with fervor.

his nostrils sting with the overwhelming smell of the oil even through the thick fabric of his mask— a heady mix of lavender and vanilla— and it makes his head spin.

the web space between his thumb and pointer drags along his frenulum, and white spots dance behind his eyelids. sweat beads his brow as he gets closer to his end, the ecstasy coursing through his veins threatening to consume him whole.

simon replays the sounds you made earlier in his head, and for once, it drowns out the usual low ringing in his ears, intensifying his arousal.

he's pumping himself roughly now, fast and jerky as he rears his peak.

would you let him come inside of you? paint your silken walls with his unworthy spend?

when he thinks of you trying to hook your ankles at the base of his spine to keep him deep inside of you as he tries to weakly pull out is what breaks him.

his cock spasms as thick spurts of warm cum dribble all over his scarred knuckles and pants.

simon's hand is slippery as he continues to pump his softening length, and squeezes right under his flared head, the remnants of his pleasure beading at the tip.

his gait is awkward, and stiff as he waddles toward the kitchen with his trousers still by his wide, hairy thighs— plugging in the wall scent on his way there.

unbeknownst to him, he was giving you that kubrick stare and it made the hair on the back of your neck stand on end.

you also thanked the stars that he wasn't a serial killer.

#call of duty #simon ghost riley #simon ghost riley x f reader #simon ghost riley x reader #simon ghost riley smut #simon ghost riley x you #simon riley x reader #simon riley smut #pathetic!simon #he is so nasty #but funny #let him have a crumb of ass

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mi5hastuff · 1 year

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scott really just summons demons to only bully pris. am i right guys?

#scott smajor #prismarina #witchcraftsmp #wcsmp #wcsmp fanart #mcyt #smajor1995 #witchcraftsmp fanart #he is a menace #but funny

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exilepurify · 1 year

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toichirocore

#mp100 #mob psycho 100 #toichiro suzuki #toichirocore #he’s so funny #awful #but funny #descriptions in alt text #alt text

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slushyseals · 2 months

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#cursed #but funny #Late night Tumblr #Thanks for sharing SenseActivity #seals

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burningvelvet · 6 months

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i see lord byron has been editing percy shelley's wikipedia page again

#they didn’t have to roast him like that #funny #but sad #but funny #this is sadder knowing he envied byron’s fame & then hated himself for it omg #& it appears byron either didnt know OR chose to not mention it due to awkwardness #torturing myself by reading about how shelley tortured himself #percy shelley #lord byron #literature #english literature #poetry #literary history #history #the romantics #romanticism #romantic literature #byronposting #percy posting

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beardedmrbean · 2 years

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Similar thing happened when they were looking for misogyny

#old article #but funny

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dreamsb0u · 7 months

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MS Paint

uhhhh yeah dead guy under the cut as a joke

#cringetober 2023 #cringetober #horror sans #dust sans #murder sans #killer sans #sans au #murder time trio #tw blood #tw death #But funny

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tcustodisart · 27 days

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If you'll ever feel that you're terrible at naming your characters, think of me.

- "hmm I don't know how I'm going to name this one, oh look I'm reading this book by Goethe rn."

- literally the most common polish name for men

- "I like birds and I'm rewatching HIMYM"

- "haha funny meme, wait that's his official name now?"

#not art #but funny #i also want to point out that my durge's name is “mazda rx-7 durge” because he looks like a car from initial d #oh and my witcher ttrpg character is literally named 'potato'

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evermoredeluxe · 3 months

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i still think it’s hilarious that nfl posted the video of taylor and travis kissing with the “i think i like this little life” audio

#i mean it’s true #but funny #arshia talks

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jakexneytiri · 1 year

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so i just saw a reddit post abt human jakes tattoos and this was in the replies

and all i can think of is this:

so now we have this:

let’s just hope he spells it correctly

#this is so dumb #but funny #avatar #avatar the way of water #avatar 2: the way of water #avatar 2022 #avatar 2 #avatar: the way of water #avatar memes #jake sully avatar #jake avatar #avatar jake #avatar jake sully #jake sully #jake sully meme

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tezuka-brainrot · 2 months

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Saw a bunch of people on videos of English 60s Astro Boy commenting how horrific Tobio/Astor death scene is and DON'T TELL THEM ABOUT THE JAPANESE VERSION! It's so much worse cause they play the thing in horrible silence. They don't explain ANYTHING. They just let you sit in confusion waiting for an explanation until you see a boy DIE and then just have to sit there processing it. This is the very first scene of the show after the upbeat theme song tricks you into a false sense of security.

I kinda ruined the mood with that clip title. I know this.

#apologies for the title that was rude of me #but funny #astro boy #mighty atom #tobio tenma #toby tenma

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shitpostempire · 1 year

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