#but like... lmao i'm so fucking done

[vaguely-concerned]

there are a lot of daddy issues to go around on DS9 in general, but odo, bashir and garak are really in their own special little fucked up 'what am I but wrought in my father's image' club

#star trek #star trek ds9 #ds9 #odo #julian bashir #elim garak #(I personally think we should put their dads in a cage match and let them kill each other. tain would probably win #but we could just shoot him after he claimed that victory. I Would Like To See It) #the triumvirate of bad dads to karmically oppose the sheer power of good dad vibes benjamin sisko has #specifically dads who Cannot and Will Not allow the healthy individuation of their sons into whole separate people #apart from what their father's hands have shaped them into #where that is one of the first things sisko accepts and realizes he must allow jake to do right at the early seasons #the bad dad club boys seem more specifically forcibly held in place to serve as mirrors for their fathers #and have to find ways to break away from that in more or less graceful ways; breaking off more or less important parts of themselves #to do so #dr mora seems to have a 'oh fuck.' moment where he sort of realizes what he's done #but the sympathy that gains him from me is hm. neglible lmao at least tain is basically fully just a monster #what's your excuse mora #I haven't met bashir's dad properly yet but I've seen enough to suspect I'm not going to be very charitably inclined towards him either

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

Killua and the Power of Wishes

Okay going to try and make this coherent because the amount of wish association all through Killua's character development makes me want to chew plaster.

As a fair warning, this analysis ended up being long as hell, and I didn't even include everything I could've said. This is also just one lens to analyze Killua's story arc with, and I feel there are other valid interpretations of some of these moments. This is just one of mine, so keep that in mind please.

One last warning that this analysis does discuss emotional manipulation and abuse, as is par for Killua's background.

Let's set the stage with one important piece of info: Killua's birthday.

Killua's birthday is July 7th, the same day as Tanabata. Tanabata is a folklore-rich festival where according to legend, the two lovers, weaver Orihime and cowherd Hikoboshi, represented by the two stars, Vega and Altair, are allowed to reunite once a year after separation. A popular custom of Tanabata is to make wishes by writing them down on tanzaku, then hang it on a bamboo tree so that the wish might one day come true.

Tanabata is also known as the Star Festival. Please keep this in mind, because I'm going to come back to it.

To finish setting up the lens for this analysis, I'm going to need to dig into the game-changer scene for Killua's early characterization - his confrontation with Illumi at the end of the Hunter Exam, and specifically, the exact nature of Illumi's manipulation of him.

I say "game-changer" because it really is - up until this point, it's kind of fair to not fully know what to think about Killua. Certainly, he seems excited to hang out with Gon (he approached him first, after all) and he's friendly enough, but he's also arrogant and claims to be motivated mainly by boredom. For all intents and purposes, Killua seems set up to be Gon's dangerous yet charismatic rival... but then this scene happens and it completely turns it all on its head.

Because Killua may have mentioned his family was controlling before, but he seriously downplayed the severity of it - likely because he has no point of reference for how awful his situation actually is other than it makes him feel bad and trapped. Illumi's appearance immediately shifts our understanding of Killua from runaway murder kid with annoying murder family to straight-up victim of emotional abuse, and dissolves his cockiness instantly to terror.

What does all this have to do with wishes? Glad you asked. Let's look at some of Illumi's dialogue.

[ID: A screenshot from HxH episode 20 of the 2011 anime. Killua looks up, sweating and conflicted, as Illumi tells him "You don't want anything or wish for anything." End ID.]

This is the crux of Illumi's (and the family's) control. Killua's desires do not align with the family trade. They must be excised from him.

When Killua insists that he does have something that he really wants, Illumi says "Tell me what it is you want", in a mockery of a certain other sibling who would have helped fulfill this wish - Illumi asks only so he can completely dismantle it. And Killua isn't even really surprised at Illumi's words, just heartbroken. You can tell this isn't the first time this sort of thing has happened.

Killua states his wish quite fervently; he really means it. But his words are not rebellious, nor cathartic. Instead, he answers Illumi quietly, as if fearful or ashamed, almost reminiscent of a sinner's confession.

[ID: Two screenshots from HxH episode 20 of the 2011 anime. In the first Killua looks down with a troubled expression, saying "I want to become friends with Gon...". In the second, his face is hidden as he stands with hands clenched at his sides with a spotlight on him. He says "I'm sick of killing people..." End ID.]

It's such an innocent, simple want.

And Illumi proceeds to make him feel like even something so simple is harmful and selfish of him... not to the family, but to Gon.

In a matter of a few minutes, Illumi breaks down Killua's wish by:

Acknowledging this desire, but twisting it into something that will inevitably fade over time, thereby causing Killua to doubt his own conviction and feelings -> "Gon is a novelty, a radiant presence who has piqued your curiosity. No more than that."

Acknowledging that Gon is someone important to Killua, and undermining this by telling him that by his very nature, he will eventually bring harm to Gon, which makes him feel as though Killua cannot trust himself to be a good friend -> "If you try to be friends with him, you will one day want to kill him... because you are, by nature, a murderer." (As a... delightful... bonus, this is also apparently how Silva and Illumi justify their treatment of Killua to him - "This is the essence of your existence and we taught you accordingly." Like they adapted to Killua's nature, instead of them molding Killua into who they wanted him to be.)

Delivering an ultimatum - to fight Illumi and win, or else Gon will die - that Killua is doomed to fail due to his upbringing and the needle in his head. Since Killua doesn't know about the needle, he assumes this is his own personal failure, something Illumi feeds into -> "You're just not qualified to make friends."

And it's the last point that breaks him. The first two shoot down Killua's present wish, but the last proceeds to shatter any hope he might've had of wishing for anything similar in the future - he has told him that his desires are weak, temporary, inherently dangerous to those around him, and worst of all, aren't enough on their own for him to deserve friendship and love from others. And the clincher: Killua feels like all of this is his own fault, that there is something inherently dangerous and wrong with him!

So, it doesn't even matter to Killua anymore if he fails the Hunter Exam. To him, he just failed the only test that mattered.

10/10 manipulation, Illumi. Fuck you, seriously.

Killua's character arc is mainly his quest and struggle to refute Illumi's arguments and to shake off the manipulation and the ways in which his family have molded and controlled him. And by far, the most difficult part of his conditioning to shake off is this idea that he is undeserving of anything more than what he is already given.

It's almost like the family has drilled it into him that wishes are dangerous. How interesting.

Thankfully, however, there are two parties to Killua's wish here - Gon, too, is a part of it, and it is not simply his reciprocated desire to be Killua's friend that saves him, but also his recognition of Killua's situation for what it is (notably, when no one else correctly identified the true issue).

"You know it wasn't his choice. You manipulated him, kidnapping his spirit!"

The ensuing Zoldyck family arc emphasizes that Gon is 100% correct: the main hold Killua's family has on him isn't physical - it's all emotional.

Killua breaks one of his shackles when Milluki threatens to have his new friends killed, but he only breaks the rest when Zeno tells him he's free to go. So, if Killua could break loose at any point, was this still a rescue like Gon said?

Well, yes - just because he absolutely could've broken out physically at any time, that does not mean he could just leave. That's the nature of situations such as this - it's not as simple as "just leaving". Support is necessary, as is actually having something tangible outside the situation to go to - otherwise there is little point to leaving at all. Gon (and Kurapika and Leorio) showing up to free Killua showed him that his wish was reciprocated and allowed him to break one cuff - this is the start of his journey, but he still has a long ways to go. Notably, he again hesitates and closes off when Silva asks what he wants.

[ID: Three panels from HxH chapter 42. In the first, Silva asks Killua "...would you like to see [Gon]?" Killua's expression is complicated in the next panel - he's closed off and uncertain. Silva continues "Be honest, Kil... what do you want?" End ID.]

Killua will backtalk and casually break his shackles and death glare his family... but he's too fearful to voice his wants aloud.

And once again, asked by his father what he wants, he is subtly set up to fail. His wish is granted, but made conditional - "Do not betray your friends", something Killua is regrettably set up to do by virtue of the needle in his head that he, again, doesn't know about. Silva fully expects him to fail and come back home, disillusioned, believing it's his own fault due to his "nature", and trusting in Silva still as a "reasonable" figure in his life.

This condition placed on his friendship is what drives much of Killua's fear and insecurity with regards to Gon for much of the series - the idea that Killua has to earn his right to friendship, and that if he doesn't, he will lose it, one way or another.

It really makes me wish that Killua had actually gotten to hear Gon's views on friendship from the beginning of the Zoldyck Family arc, because it entirely refutes this entire philosophy. He even outright refuses to go through the Testing Gates at first, purely because he thinks the sentiment of needing to prove yourself just to be friends is completely outrageous - he only relents because there is no other way.

[ID: Two screenshots from episodes 21 and 22 of the 2011 HxH anime adaptation. Gon looks up at Illumi and firmly states "[Killua] doesn't need to earn the right to be my friend!" In the second, Gon's face is seen in profile and close up as he asks "Why would you test your friends?" End ID.]

I doubt it would've truly prevented Killua's insecurity from manifesting even if he had heard this, to be honest - his issues with usefulness are very deep-rooted in his upbringing - but still, it would've been nice for him to hear, I think.

However, that's not to say that this exact sentiment doesn't come through in their interactions.

Gon, as Killua's friend, cares about what Killua actually wants and wants to make sure Killua knows that - and that's part of what makes the Whale Island conversation between them really important.

[ID: Two images, both of the same scene from HxH chapter 64, and episode 37 of the 2011 anime. In the manga panel, Gon has turned his head to look at Killua directly, who looks shocked and taken aback, to say "I like hanging out with you." In the anime screenshot, Gon has turned his whole body to face Killua, and says "I think it's fun to be with you." End ID.]

I see a lot of people chalk this up to just Gon being Gon, but it reads to me as much more deliberate than even his usual honesty. He's turned so he's looking directly at Killua, which is a sure way to make his words come across clearly. The lead up to this is Killua, again, not knowing or being able to vocalize what he wants. He doesn't have a goal to work towards like Gon, he only knows what he doesn't want - he's a mix of envious and admiring towards Gon, who knows what he wants and simply goes for it.

But this conversation makes it clear that they have a shared wish - they both want to be friends, and they'd both like to stay together. It's not about earning, to Gon, it's only about if they both want the same thing - mutual, not conditional. There's a nice almost call-and-response type dialogue here, where Gon asserts that he likes spending time with Killua (very directly lol), then shares that Killua is the first friend his age he's had. This prompts Killua to say that Gon is his first friend ever, and that he does have fun with him. And just like that, Gon replies "Then let's stay together!" and pointedly includes Killua's desire to find a goal in their, now shared, upcoming journey.

Overhead, a shooting star appears in the sky. A mutual wish is granted.

[ID: A panel from HxH chapter 64. The night sky is full of stars. In the centre is a shooting star. End ID.]

Hm. Stars. Remember how I told you to keep that in mind, all the way back at the beginning? Their association with Tanabata, making a wish on a shooting star, etc. etc.?

Well, buckle up because this star is going to make you experience so much sadness now.

[ID: Panels from HxH chapter 286. The first is a conversation between Killua and Meleoron where Killua asserts he intends to "go down in flames with [Gon]". When Meleoron looks concerned, Killua brushes off the declaration as a joke. In the second image, Killua is turned away, his outline pale, as Meleoron thinks "Why... did you looks so sad... back there?" The last image is a cloudy night sky filled with stars. At the centre of the panel is a shooting star. End ID.]

Yeah, it makes its reappearance directly after Killua has "jokingly" resolved to die with Gon if it comes down to it, after "since it means nothing to you".

I am assured, in Japanese, the word choice here is 心中 (shinjuu), the word for double suicide, where the intent is to die at the same time in the same manner in order to be reunited in the afterlife. The implication here is that Killua, having increasingly grown insecure in his place by Gon's side but unable to voice this, knowing that Gon is hurtling down the path of no return, thinks back to their conversation under the stars where they both mutually wished to stay together and, because he believes that it is no longer possible for him to help Gon, has resolved to stay by his side in death, and after it.

...holy shit, kid.

[ID: Two screenshots from the 4th ending of the 2011 anime. In the first, Gon and Killua stand back to back as meteors fall around them. In the second, they stand facing away from the audience towards a body of water under a night sky filled with stars - Gon throws a stone, which flashes in the air like a shooting star. End ID.]

And of course, here's the shooting star again in the 2011 anime's Nagareboshi Kirari ending, as well as it being the subject of the song itself and rather explicitly referencing that wish to go on a journey together, to stay together, because... Madhouse hates us. I guess. :'(

What started off as a simple wish for a friend deepened into a wish to always stay by Gon's side. This is largely good at first! Killua is able to explore and experience genuine friendship, to get a taste for freedom, and use the power of his fervent wish to protect his dear friend in order to rid himself of Illumi's needle. However, the more Killua wants, the more he traps these wishes in monologues within his own head and does not voice them aloud. Part of it is that he already feels he's been given much more than he deserves - seeing himself as a creature of darkness and Gon as light - but a greater part of the issue here is not that Killua is afraid to wish for things, but that he is afraid wishing without "compensation" will inevitably lead to horrible repercussions - namely, losing who he loves.

In order to feel worthy of staying with Gon, of earning his friendship, Killua works hard to help Gon achieve his goals, taking on the role of wish grantor, growing to do practically anything needed to support him for seemingly nothing in return - but that's not 100% true. Killua wants at least some appreciation, whether he admits it or not - it's a security thing, and it also clearly makes him happy, even if he's not great at accepting it. He insists in Chimera Ant arc that friends don't need to thank friends, but this declaration always read as very sudden to me or like a rationalization, and it's relevant to remember that this is at the peak of Gon isolating himself and self-destructing before his eyes, and Killua's own insecurity regarding his importance to him.

Killua might not mind doing things without thanks, but that doesn't mean he doesn't like to hear that Gon appreciates him. He clearly does appreciate verbal confirmation of their bond! We know this.

[ID: Two screenshots from the 2011 anime. The first is from episode 61. Killua smiles down at the ground with his hands in his pockets, the colours having gone soft and bright. The second is from episode 70 during the dodgeball match. Gon smiles determinedly in the foreground as Killua looks shocked next to him. End ID.]

Keeping all this in mind, Killua's story, or at least this part of it, couldn't have concluded in a better way than his rescue of Alluka, the wish grantor.

Now, I could probably write an entire other analysis on Alluka and Nanika alone, but for the sake of not making this any longer than I already have, I'm going to go through only a few points. Alluka is incomprehensible to her family because they make no attempt to understand her, with the exception of Killua. The only thing they do seem to understand, when explained to them, is the demands made after Nanika grants a wish - this, of course, fits neatly into their own predetermined views on "earning" and "punishment". However, beyond this, they make no attempt to understand her, and since her power is deemed dangerous and uncontrollable, she is locked away.

They are worried, first and foremost, that Alluka will bring harm to the family, and there's two ways in which this could be true:

As a function of failing to fulfill her requests, of course

Because she, just by existing, threatens the family's status quo

I stated at the beginning that Killua's desires do not align with those of the family business, and he's always apparently been more open to understanding others - he asks Alluka and Nanika questions to understand them, and treats them with respect, while his family are more so focused on subjugating anything that might be a threat. This is what Illumi tried to drill into Killua after all; never fight a superior opponent - everything is about assessments of relative strength, which leaves no room for open-mindedness or getting to know people.

Faced with a daughter who is clearly incomprehensibly powerful, and a son, the would-be inheritor of the family trade, who is showing a disturbing amount of willingness to befriend instead of retreat from her, the family made the decision to excise Alluka not just from where she could "harm" the family power-wise, but also likely to secure their control over Killua, who they then set about practically programming to not have any more wishes for himself, or at least to not be able to vocalize them without fear of loss or retribution.

The family's nickname for Killua is "Kil" or "Killu", which is deeply fascinating to me as a reader - nicknames are expressions of endearment, typically, and I actually don't doubt that here. Killua's family does love him, but their love comes with conditions. He must be molded into the perfect son, and every part of him that doesn't fit must be excised.

So: Killua's memories of Alluka are suppressed with the needle, and she is further cut from his life by dropping the "a" from his name (the Zoldyck children are named like a game of shiratori - Illumi -> Milluki -> Killua -> Alluka -> Kalluto). The nickname is also like a command or order "to kill", which is of course what they want him to do.

Saving Gon through saving Alluka and Nanika forces Killua to have to face down the last and hardest of Illumi's manipulations to shake, and that's the notion that a wish, that kindness and friendship and love, cannot be unconditional without severe repercussions - where the people he cares about get hurt because of him, something he cannot envision being forgiven for.

It's a little sad to me that after spending most of the series struggling against his family's teachings that they didn't lead to Killua betraying Gon at all, as he'd feared... but to him betraying Nanika, by sending her away.

Here is this little girl with a bloodstained past, incredibly powerful and dangerous and capable of amazing feats, treated as some evil thing by those who fear her. But she is kind at heart. Her true strength lies in healing, not killing. And she only takes commands from Killua.

Illumi thinks this is because Killua is the only one with control over her. Killua believes this is because she wants praise. They're both partially correct, but this is not the full reason Nanika does what Killua asks of her.

[ID: Two screenshots from episode 146 of the 2011 anime. In the first, Nanika smiles and says "I love Killua." In the second, Killua looks at her, stricken. End ID.]

Nanika loves him. Everyone has been trying to figure out all these complicated rules and conditions on her wish granting and why Killua is the one exception, but the answer is exceedingly simple. She loves him, and wants to do nice things for him so he can have his wishes granted. It's the only way she knows to get the love that she wants in turn.

Just like her brother, Nanika makes herself useful to earn love and appreciation from someone who accepted her when no one else did.

Even though he knows Nanika just wants to help, he still sees her presence as a danger to the person he sees as pure and innocent who must be protected. He sends her away because her "nature" is to be a threat to Alluka's safety, even if she doesn't intend to be. Killua's fear of Illumi and repercussions causes him to make a horrible mistake.

And Alluka tears into him for it.

[ID: A set of panels from HxH chapter 336. A furious Alluka glares and asks Killua if he made Nanika cry. When Killua stutters, she demands he apologize to her. End ID.]

You tell him, girl.

Oh hey, this looks a little familiar, huh?

"Apologize to Killua!" says Gon to Illumi after Illumi sends Killua away.

Nanika should not be the one punished for the actions of those trying to control her. She certainly shouldn't be forced to leave those she loves, or have to earn love from them.

And neither should Killua.

[ID: Three panels from HxH chapter 336. Alluka yells, tears in her eyes, "If you're going to protect me... you have to protect Nanika too!!" Killua looks shocked, then his eyes widen. End ID.]

It's interesting to me that this is the line that snaps Killua out of his fear enough for him to properly speak with Nanika and apologize. One party cannot receive all the protection, nor can the other only give and give limitlessly.

Killua makes it clear to Nanika when speaking with her that he will protect her, and that she doesn't need to earn affection from people by granting their wishes. He promises they will both be there for each other - Killua will praise her whenever she wants, and not just when she does something for him, but he also doesn't refuse Nanika's desire to grant his wishes. It's mutual, not conditional.

And on the heels of this "betrayal", Killua asks for what he never thought he could receive - forgiveness. And even though Nanika is clearly still very upset...

[ID: Two screenshots from episode 146. In the first, Nanika and Killua face each other, both of them teary. Nanika says "Kay." In the second, he has pulled her into a hug. Nanika is teary, her fingers gripping Killua's back tightly. End ID.]

...she doesn't even have to think about it.

I do think Killua still has a ways to go, but he is in a position right now to learn from his relationship with his sisters about balance - that love is not just selfless devotion, but also allowing those who love you to help you and make you happy too. I think that's what unconditional love is, in a way - supporting and working together with the people you love to make each other's wishes come true.

#oh my god this was supposed to be a brief write-up what happened 😭 #ugh i feel like this is a bit of a mess and there's infinite other little points i could've made or elaborated on or interpreted differentl #but i'm so tired lmao #anyways tldr fuck you illumi you suck #killua is a snarky little shit but he also has so much love in his tiny body and i think we should appreciate him forever and ever #this also accidentally turned into alluka and nanika appreciation. i love them #nanika sweet angel i love you so much i hope you get all the head pats in the world #ghhh i'm so scared this doesn't make sense anymore i've been working on it for almost a week #hunter x hunter #hxh #hxh meta #killua zoldyck #call me ace detective the way i am ace. and also a detective. #storyrambles #also that one scene where gon turns to look directly at killua and tells him he has fun being with him makes me jdfhbvsdjfbvh #he's so intense about it i start laughing. no wonder killua basically just went ??!?!?!?! and like. leaned back because i think i would've #done the same lmaoooo #it's very sweet though :') #argh. gotta post. i need to stop hesitating. let's go.

[louroth]

"It takes guts to grow up like you did-- thousands of years simmering beneath every kind of oppression man could think of."

"With the sky kissing the crown of my head, knighting me with space to roam and the bravery to explore it [...] Big, open fields of barley and rivers like slivers of silver, marbling my veins."

"And yet you prefer...?" "After all that life?" a breath, a laugh, caught between teeth. "Something cultivated by your own will-- the work, the dread, the sought resolution-- it is far grander than the possibility, the dream of it."

art by @fooltofancy (just. fantastic. look at them. !!!!)

#OUROBOROS #ouroboros-if #interactive fiction #yor/yana #go commission vin if you want to like literally sob. The lines! THE LIIIINES!!!! #I'm so happy I could snag these bdfhksjdbf AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA #never in my life did I think anyone could do Y justice in how I see them in my head. and here's vin absolutely slam dunking every line #I was very. emotional. when I got the art-- I've just been served with some dental problems and whatever the fuck else. been in a fugue sta #e when working on ouro (so much is getting done but endless tasks to do!) and this just. perked me up. (sobs) i love them so much. so.somuc #You haven't seen much of Y in the public demo but they have so many things !!! going on!! and I can't wait to share it and hear from you #often I wonder what peoples theories are on Y. I've heard the rumors #the pondering on a particular theory. and it gets me all giddy-- not bc it is wrong #but because it isn't always entirely right. sdlkfjhslkdjfhsd I love being cryptic LMAO bye. love u

[cockworkangels]

two sams meet

#two sams that i'm very fond of <333 #but like my god i fucked up with almost every aspect of this like the proportions faces and colouring lmao #but my laptop doesn't let me open krita rn so it's done and i won't be fixing it <3 #like sam supernatural's face is like idk what's happening here. also the backgroud .... oh well #but like i just had to get this out of my brain so this is what were dealing with #sam winchester #samwise gamgee #spn #lotr #sam winchester fanart #samwise gamgee fanart #my art #digital art

[paradoxlily]

Girl math is NOT when small purchases don't count or whatever else Tiktok has been lying to you about. Girl math is when you add together your companion's digital roots to deduce who exploded your brother so you can enact your righteous, brutal revenge. Get it right.

#got this done last night with 5 minutes of November left so I'm counting it as my November art post lmao #anyways I haven't rendered anything this good in like. ever I feel on top of the world #my art #digital art #clip studio paint #artists on tumblr #csp #art #digital drawing #digital painting #zero escape #clover zero escape #clover 999 #zero escape 999 #999 spoilers #clover field #9 persons 9 hours 9 doors #999 #AH FUCK I FORGOT TO DRAW A. BRACELET. PUT ME DOWN #don't look at me don't look at me lmaoooo #also again no one look at me I totally didn't forget to add the alt text for almost two weeks

[fortunatefires]

Also if you compare Hermione to a character like Annabeth functionally they have the same role within the story. They are there to drive the plot and be a walking encyclopedia for the reader/main character. And yet where Hermione gets shoved aside and all the cool shit she does happens in the background you get Annabeth doing badass shit right up front. Like, if Annabeth did any of the shit Hermione did it wouldn't be brushed off the way it was. If Annabeth made her family forget her, turned someone into a bug and trapped them in a jar, knitted hats to free elves, any of that shit then Percy would be beside her 100% he would be in awe and absolutely terrified at her power and dedication. But what we get from Harry basically amounts to "Thanks nerd. Anyways, what's my next task?"

#I'll never not be mad about how jkr treated hermione #She deserved better #Draco deserved better too #Because he's so fucking flat #We never fucking learn his true motivations #And how he acts doesn't match up with what we're told about him #That shit doesn't make sense #That's why in so many headcanons Draco is abused or manipulated by his family #Because a child with a healthy family dynamic doesn't act like that #And a kid that grew up in a neglectful household doesn't fucking act like harry #He's confident and outgoing and charming #Ain't no kid that comes straight out of neglect gonna be like ~time to piss off my teachers~ #That's where people pleasers and perfectionists come from #I'm done ranting lmao #I just have feelings about this #Harry potter #Hp #Percy jackson #Annabeth chase #percabeth #pjo #Hermione granger #Text #Text post #Rant #Bookblr

[kirisclangen]

Zelda

She/her, 65 moons, cis molly

#Zelda (cat) #<- so it doesn't go in the fandom tags of the game lmao #Loner #honeyclan #<- the save file she's from. I'm gonna say she lives nearest to them #warrior cats oc #warriors oc #kiri’s clangen #clangen #She also doesn't have the chest spot on her sprite but I thought she looked better with it so. Y'know #I made her fur so massive but I need it to be known that the rest of her is massive as well. She's jut very large #also I HAVE RETURNED TO THIS BLOG!!! Can't say how regular activity here will be but I'm queueing this on thursday to go up on friday #and I've got three more finished cats to go up the three days after that. We'll see how many more I draw before the queue runs out #I'm doing hermit-a-day-may over on my main blog and I'm coming up on the end of the schoolyear so I may be mostly swamped until summerish #but I'd like to pick back up with posting these during the summer. I have some ideas for a comic that I'd like to do but I haven't written- #-it out yet becuase I want to get these designs done first and I think I'm about halfway through all the cats I have? across 5 different- #-clans two of which are very large so. Mass extinction events will be on once I start playing moons again!! #anyways sorry for rambling but I'm very proud of my next few designs. I think I've found a good method for doing them quickly. It involves- #-using actual reference images for the poses lmao #EDIT I lied I'm not even close to halfway #I've got 66 out of 181 done meaning I have 115 left #jesus fucking christ ITS FINE it's fine it's just a lot. not a problem though #I can pick up the pace after this next month or two #it's chill

[antisocialxconstruct]

I've been thinking a lot about art and why it doesn't feel good anymore, and a lot of what I keep coming back to is a) simply not being happy with my style, but b) not feeling comfortable experimenting because I feel like I need things to be """post worthy""" 🙄 so like... it's kind of a vicious cycle lmao so I'm heeding the advice I used to give people trying to overcome perfectionism which was "don't worry about making things that are 'good enough' to post and just post everything."

So... some vague style experimenting 🤷‍♂️ and also a sketch of Ilya from forever ago that I really liked but kept thinking I would come back and do more with.

#ghost city #maksim girard #ilya kasharin #I forgot Maksim's tattoos AND his little neck ridges in the headshots but oh welllllll #artbyrom #me: my struggles with art are deeply rooted and totally unique to me and I could never hope to explain them to anyone else #-describes two of the most common struggles for artists on social media ever- #I'm still happy with my general approach to lineart and the flat colors with minimal accent shading #and I even really like the thing I've done a couple times now of selectively coloring the lineart #so the issue I'm having is with like... the fundamental base of the art 😬 #so many of the artists I really admire have very minimalist highly stylized ways of drawing people and I want so badly to pursue that #I never really wanted my art to have this more semi-realistic look to it :| but I'm like... #I don't feel confident in my ability to portray a specific face unless I detail it to hell and back #I need to find a way to get comfortable with forms that are more... representational #fuck.... y'know a lot of it might come down to how outspoken my ex was about how much he disliked simplistic and representational styles #lol. lmao.

[chipistrate]

GAHHHH I WANNA SHOW OFF MY AU DESIGNS BUT THE REFS AREN'T DONE YETTTT

The colors are there I just haven't done the polished sketch and line art I wanna show off my guysssss sob

#Chip Chatter #let me be dramatic for like five seconds pretty please (<-is always dramatic)/silly #I promise I'm dramatic 4 the funnies I'm not actually like that LMAO #but I do also wish I could just project my sillies onto a canvas and show them off instead of spending hours working on their refs rjigehek #art......................................... #let me ramble about my creatures damn ye “the need to show stuff off before talking about things I love” #alright I'm done now back to work #oh wait no I gotta sleep #FUCK #btw Gregory is so adorable and so fucked up someone please help him #(literally the first thing that happens at the start of the AU is Freddy helping him as he should)

[justalittlebluetiefling]

Something I've seen a couple people saying is that they want to make sure that Laudna understands that she's not the only one who has been through trauma. But like. Laudna is not the only one who needs to learn that lesson. Actually, it's not even that Laudna needs to learn that she's not the only one that's been through trauma at all, because they're all very aware of what they've all been through. This became an inevitable confrontation when Laudna decided to let Delilah back in, though, and after rewatching the scene, I actually think the only people who managed this situation correctly were Imogen* and Ashton.

Orym and Laudna are both more focused on their own pasts with the sword and not thinking about each other. Orym should have talked to the group and come to a decision with them about using the sword and Laudna should have talked to him about it instead of trying to steal it.

*my feelings about this are still up in the air don't read into this too much

#our faves aren't exempt from having to learn these lessons and orym has also not learned this lesson i'm sorry but it's true #ashton and chet are the only ones who have even tried to deal with their personal shit in a semi-productive way tbh #i could elaborate on the imogen handling this correctly but i'm not delving into interpreting that ship so i'm not going to lol #that's another post people wouldn't actually like and it's because i definitely don't mean this in the way you think i mean it #i'm not saying laudna was RIGHT #honestly i'm not getting my hopes up about how this going to be dealt with because i've done that before #and it hasn't panned out in a way that i enjoyed #so we'll see how this goes #also tbh orym walking in wielding that sword was a ballsy move to begin with #props to marisha for instigating tough rp over it #literally laudna going 'i was felled by this blade' and orym going 'so was i' LIKE SHE WASN'T PERMANENTLY DEAD THOUGH #for a long fucking time #and chet saying that orym's lost more like laudna didn't lose her entire family and her entire life lmao #if ANYONE in this group might be able to understand orym's loss it's HER #i know people are going to interpret this as me saying there's a right or wrong to this and i'm not saying that #people acting like one of them had more of a right to the sword than the other is bugging me though #although my vote would definitely be throw that thing in the lucidean ocean #(i mean really i'm like USE IT IT'S PROBABLY COOL) but like if i were IN the situation it would be to toss that thing so far away from me #cr spoilers

[clownprince]

Look. Don't get me wrong. I love the batjokes fandom literally everyone I've interacted with has been SO nice for such an insane ship it's a surprisingly chill fandom.

That being said... sometimes I feel Weird because a lot of the community (not all! but a large part) is like haha yeah my favorite fucked up toxic problematic ship love how twisted it is >:) batman wants to fuck that clown even though he literally killed his whole ass son it's so fucked I love it.

And that's fine! No problem with that. Power to you.

But I'm just over here like... what if they both got better together and processed their trauma and Joker made amends with everyone and everyone was happy and content as a family.

Like, the most compelling thing for ME in Batjokes is easily Bruce's refusal to view Joker the way most other people do. Even in arcs where he does dehumanize Joker, he at the very least makes an attempt to understand him. Everyone else is just like yeah, he's evil, he's just doing this shit because he enjoys it because he's a monster. But even when their relationship is at its worst, like in Joker War, Batman tries to understand where Joker is coming from. He doesn't just assume oh yeah Joker is just doing this because he's evil there's no logic behind his crimes he just enjoys it.

Bruce actually understands that Joker is trying to show him something, i.e., that he isn't being Batman right (in Joker's opinion). And even after Joker literally tears down his life, fucking reanimates his dead father figure to torment him and re-enacts his childhood trauma on the city, Bruce STILL ends up agreeing that he had a point!

Like to ME... Batjokes is about loving someone so transcendentally that you devote your entire existence to helping them. It's about having compassion for someone even after they commit horrific atrocities. It's about loving someone who everyone else hates and views as a monster. It's about someone loving the parts of someone that they consider terrible and unlovable. It's about being misunderstood your entire life and finally finding someone who gets it. It's about love for one person motivating you to stay alive in a world that's been nothing but cruel to you. It's about finding someone who makes everything awful that's ever happened to you seem worth it. But most importantly it's about the refusal to give up on someone who everyone else has long since declared a lost cause.

#i just feel weird sometimes bc i'm like MUCH more compelled by the softer parts of batjokes #collapses to my knees. i just want them to be happy your honor #just a silly little ramble idk #batjokes #just like. bruce's consistent caring for joker even after all the shit he's done. ouhhhhhhighhihh #bruce's capacity to have compassion for people doing the most horrific shit #is so so special and important to me #but it just hits especially hard with joker #especially because they're both afraid of getting better. #anyway #and obviously there are a solid amount of people who like softer batjokes ik that #it just feels to ME like the majority of people prefer a darker more fucked up dynamic. like more comic accurate lmao #which is valid and fine. but i'm just like. sitting over here with my unrealistic fluff...

[sophiethewitch1]

UwU any spoilers for the next chapter,,

I have meant to do this multiple times but keep forgetting so here's an extra long snippet in apology! It's basically the entire start of the next chapter ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Damn. Your indulgent TV stalking of the Wayne’s really doesn’t hit the same once you technically knew them. And you were hiding inside one of their bedrooms, inside one of their clothes, using their TV subscription. It just didn’t feel right. Morally, of course, but that wasn’t what you were talking about. No, you were just pissy your favourite passtime was basically ruined. You shovel another spoonful of cookie dough ice cream into your mouth, glaring through tired eyes at the screen.

There’s an up close shot of Dick Grayson’s abs. The presenter ‘oohs’ and ‘aahs’ over his physical form, and you have to agree. You wish you had abs like that. Unfortunately you did respond to most unwanted experiences with stress eating. As always with these celebrity figures, you can’t really tell if you want to be Dick or be with Dick. Your butt is nowhere near the level his is at.

While you hadn’t really set out today looking for shirtless pictures of the Waynes, it wasn’t like you were going to say no to them. So, when the gossip channel had switched from the reactions of the Waynes to last night’s fiasco to… this… you’d just kept watching.

You wonder if you should stop doing this. It’s definitely kind of creepy, and now you’d technically once been his… step sister. What a mind fuck. You’ve been crushing on these dudes for a while, and now they were your ex-step siblings. This was like the start of a bad porno, but you knew you were not that lucky. And it wasn’t like you were going to start thinking of him as a brother any time soon. You hadn’t even met the guy. No, he was still firmly in the ‘celebrity crush’ section of your mind. Pretty and untouchable. The way things are supposed to be.

Which was also bad because you would probably have to meet and interact with him at some point. Probably in the near future. God knows you’d absolutely humiliated yourself in front of the fucking Timothy Jackson Drake-Wayne,. Twice, in fact. You didn’t even want to think about the display you’d shown for Bruce Wayne or Damian Wayne.

You didn’t really know what to do with your slightly obsessive crushes. And you could see it definitely being a problem in the near future.

…You decide that what you do in your private time is absolutely nobody but yours business, and keep watching. It’s a mix of bitter spite and geniune mental breakdown levels of desperation that leads you to that decision. You feel like you’re a child with their toy being taken away, and it’s making you mad. And sad too. Even if you shouldn’t do this anymore, you still wanted to keep the habit. You’d mentioned before your creature comforts were one of the few things that kept you going. And while you were mostly very good at not being the jealous, heinous creature you really are, you knew you wouldn’t be giving this up.

They’d have to tear your gossip channels from your cold dead palms. You weren’t giving them up, not without a fight at least. Unfortunately for you, the universe seemed determined to wrestle away literally everything you loved.

Guilt’s for tomorrow. Today is for ice cream and purposefully ignoring everything. Speaking of which, you can not remember the last time you had a good Ben & Jerry’s. They were so expensive these days, as all groceries were. You simply couldn’t afford it. The Waynes, of course, had multiple tubs in multiple different options. Alfred had seemed delighted that you’d taken the ice cream, for which reasons you could not perceive.

Oh, yeah! His name was Alfred. Very butler-y. You’d remember it this time, he was a very nice man. And he called you ‘young miss’ which earned him points. He also didn’t seem to hate you on sight, or treat you like a two-headed freak, like some of the other people in this household. Not naming names. Yeah, fuck that noise, Damian Wayne obviously has issues and it’s much less attractive in real life.

The woman drones on, and your eyes flick to your phone. Yup, she’s still yapping. It’s not like you don’t appreciate Dick’s abs or anything, it’s just that you think she might’ve been talking about this one specific photo for over half an hour now. Lady should get a hobby. Wait, wait, this is her job. Maybe you should start a podcast where you rant about the Wayne’s excercise regimes. It seems to be quite a lucrative field.

You shriek when the door slams open, nearly tumbling backwards off the bed. Hands manage to grip the bedcovers before you tip over, not making a complete fool of yourself. As it goes, you lose your spoon to the carpet. Bits of cookie dough spread over the floor in a divine sacrifice. And you lose your sanity to the man standing in the doorway. To be fair, he looks just as confused as you feel.

You blink at the physically perfect form of Dick Grayson, and then turn your head to the TV to look at the other physically perfect form of Dick Grayson.

…You really wish you had a good explanation for this.

He mutters out your name, lips parted. Dick Grayson seems absolutely shocked to find you here. His eyes flick around the room, and eventually land on the TV. Said baby blues widen to the size of saucers when the reporter makes a really, really unneccesary comment.

“And in news that broke the hearts of both ladies and gentlemen everywhere in Bludhaven, Dick Grayson has announced he will be returning to Gotham to assist his family in this difficult time. My cousin in the Blud is probably crying right now. There’s no ass out there quite like his, and there’s no replacement for Bludhaven’s favourite young rich bachelor,” she winks at the camera, and then the shot of his tone stomach phases forward to take up the entire screen.

Well, there’s a lot to say about that. First of all, fuck. Second of all, shit. Third of all, she really couldn’t have said that part about Dick coming back to Gotham sooner? Per chance, before you’d found yourself in this situation?

You said you weren’t that lucky, you meant it.

“But still, ain’t that lucky for us Gothamites? I myself have spent a lot of time on Dick’s Tiktok and Instagram, and his thirst traps have been used in a lot of my personal-”

You snatch the remote from the sheets and pause it right there. The silence is tense.

#sophie speaks #sophie answers #series:www #www spoilers #i am. EMBARASSED #look i put a warning on my blog that id regularly forget things and i meant it #im sorry :/ #i really wish i could fix it but like i... can not #dissociative disorder + fibro fog = never getting any shit done #but also i think im on the rise again!! i feel motivated and want to write so I'm gonna get doing that #this chapter will probably be a bit shorter but I'm uncertain #just trying to get it out really #i promise i really havent given up on www I'm too invested at this point lmao #if i do not see these bitches fucking i will be upset

[lucy-ghoul]

why are you, as an adult in 2024, still hung up on reylo. why are you still mocking the shippers. why do you believe yourself to be superior only because you dislike a stupid ship from a fucking space fairytale. girl (gnc) get a grip

#it's ridiculous. this ship is... stupidly cliché. like if you know fandoms at all #you could easily guess why people would be into it. hello?? have you tried to watch tfa without your hate-on-kyle-ron goggles? #did you watch their scenes together? you don't have to like something to recognize the hints #hell. at the time i didn't really like jonerys but i realized they were going to be a thing when i read agot in 2011 #like folks. it's been nearly TEN LONG YEARS. let it go. LET IT FUCKING GOOOO #and for the lucy/cooper shippers out there who think reylos are (again) delusional when they compare the two ships: #no. *you* are being delusional only because you think reylo is unsexy and uncool (which is your right to think btw. obv) #if you can't see why someone would like both of these pairings for similar reasons... idk what to say honestly #people compared it to hannigram... honestly. again i see why they would appeal to anyone who's into both ships #i really do. but... unpopular opinion (since i'm more of a clannibal fan than i could ever be of reylo): #they are more similar to reylo than will/hannibal. there i said it #i'm not talking about the writing (admittedly the quality of it was questionable). i'm talking about tropes #never mind that imo the ghoul is more akin to vader than kylo but whatever #hannibal is an unapologetic kind of villain. he's not gonna have a redemption arc and that's okay #cooper is an antivillain who used to be a good man and became a disfigured cruel bastard. a parody of himself #lucy is him. him before the bombs dropped before he discovered the person he trusted the most wanted to commit genocide #nice. moral. polite. infused with the Good Old American Values™. he's basically her dark side #all of this is very hannigram/clannibal. i'm not denying it at all #but what'll likely happen is that lucy's actions will have a positive influence on the ghoul and remind him of what it means to be a man #and that's way more reylo-like. sorry. #beauty&thebeast/villain with some hidden good in him+morally righteous heroine/enemies to lovers etc. #i mean. hello??..... having said that. i'm not so much of a reylo shipper anymore and tbh never was. i really liked it at the time #but i was never fond of the st era. my fav characters are vader and leia and revan from the old eu. just saying #*and* it's also not impossible lucy gets darker with the ghoul as her traveling companion. in fact i wouldn't dislike it at all #if done well i mean #but i would still like for people to be intellectually honest and less puerile. god knows i have my notps #but i really don't give a fuck about the shippers. good for them i guess? i have better taste lmao but that's heavily subjective #val rambles in the tags #val speaks #txt

[cinna-bunnie]

something something top shortage but you only let like 5 types of tops exist and call everyone else a bottom

#the most annoying is when you are telling someone explicitly you're not a sub and they're just like “uh huh”.. #I'm not fucking you so what would you know lmao you've never gotten to see me flip my switch #ppl are too comfortable deciding what someone else is even against their own objection. #there's a much longer rant I'm sure has been done before by someone else but still..

[ayrennaranaaldmeri]

Ketheric was going to be recruitable???

Yep. He was intended to be a companion, here's the article: https://www.ign.com/articles/baldurs-gate-3-director-reveals-one-surprising-villain-that-used-to-be-playable

Ngl I'm just beyond disappointed that anyone in that dev team thought cutting this was a good idea. Especially when we know they went out of their way to add in a someone who wasn't put in this game as a companion and wasn't intended to be one initially, while Ketheric was, even more so because of how half baked it was. I'm baffled and gutted that this was worth keeping to them, while Ketheric, who is far more plot significant, was not.

You can still play up to getting to persuade him which was where he was meant to join you and idk why the fuck they left that in then.

I honestly wish they would stop fucking talking about what they cut now that they've abandoned the game.

#answered #larian critical #bg3 critical #act 3 was so weak ketheric would've improved it significantly #man he'd have been your main advisor on gortash and orin #also the other stuff they cut #i'd happily sacrifice 2/3s of the absolute boring unconnected bullshit in act 3 #for this stuff that was axed #redeemed durge mentions going to candlekeep in an epilogue so you can bet there would've been been something there #beyond the 13 year old edgelord murderhobo bs we get in the game #gale was interested in the astral sea in ea it was hinted to be a potential solution for his orb #astral sea / vlaakith means lae'zel getting more stuff too #getting to go to the hells proper not just raph's house would've opened up so much for both karlach and wyll #like if we were going to the hells that puts them at the top of the fucking list for characters who'd have had more to say and do there #karlach's engine actually having an in game fix lmao imagine that. #but nah instead we get them rewriting to add stuff to the ending to pander to a char who already has double the romance of anyone else #and then casually mentioning all the far more important shit they left out of bg3 #i'm done #i'm so sorry for the essay anon my salt is so high

[eldrichthingy]

So, hello :') It's very unexpected for me and I have no idea what to do now, but basically: I was used to be @eldrichfuck666 (previously olya-occult-lover) and Tumblr deactivated my account without any warning or email and without showing me the "your account was terminated", it just doesn't let me log in and my account and everything that was posted there, is gone. For no reason at all. It happened a day ago and I contacted support immediately and I truly hope my blog goes back to me, but if it's not - every single ask, draft and edit I've done (besides for maybe, a few of them I still have on my PC) is gone.

It's really crushing and all I can hope for is that it goes back to me. I lost everything I had from March, basically and I miss my mutuals so much- :'( I wanted to say that I'm okay and I missed you all so much and I truly hope that I'm not bothering you with this, you're very free to ignore it, but! If my account doesn't get back to me - I'll be trying again, with this one, hopping nothing happens to it. I love you all and I hope I won't annoy you! :') I just miss you a lot 🥺👉🏾👈🏾 I'm also so sorry for not tagging anyone, but in case you see it and recognize me - I'm really glad you're here and I hope you're doing well 💖

#HOW DO I TAG IT #it's not even sort of “new simblr alert” its just_ #AND I'M EMBARRASSED TO TAG ANYONE I'M SO SORRY 😭😭😭 #I just cried for hours lmao #let's hope it just resolves #IDK WHAT I HAVE DONE #could it be the change of url??? maybe but like... there's other users with “fuck” in url #AND IT LET ME DO IT 😭😭