listen. i love el and i think she's a fascinating character. we all know this. i am very clear about this. but like. it really is SO crazy how she really came in and, like... fucked will's life up so fucking bad lmao. i know that it wasn't her fault, and i'm not saying it is, but that's just... such an excruciating writing choice.
it was a choice to have her be the one that opened the gate & essentially sliced will's life into an ugly before and after. it was a choice to have her replace him as mike's number one as soon as she came back into their lives. it was a choice to make her the party's mage and then "change" will from being their wizard to their cleric. it was a choice to make her his sister. it was a choice to purposely have her wear his clothes and have the same bangs. it was a choice to have her ignore him on mike's first day in lenora, despite the fact that he was mike's friend, too, and first. it was a choice to make her oblivious to his feelings.
it was a choice to make them love and genuinely care about each other. it was a choice to make her feel like a monster for everything that'd happened and kept happening. it was a choice to make will not resent her. it was a choice to make him support her enough that he's willing to uphold her lies to mike (!!!) of all people with his inaction.
it was a choice to have him spill his heart out to mike and gift him his painting all in her name. to have him be the one to unknowingly make mike finally say "i love you" to her in response to his confession. to have him realize too late that he's been needlessly pushing mike towards her this whole time.
it was a choice to place will right beside mike, his first ever friend and keeper of his heart, when he told el that his life started just as will's ended.
it was... a bold fucking choice to replace will with el in mike's eyes due to outside influence. it throws them into chaos and disarray because el and will are not interchangeable, and it shows in how...
mike seeks from el everything that will already gives him.
mike readily gives will everything that el begs him for.
el cannot read or understand mike in the innate, wordless, and familiar way that will does.
mike cannot be vulnerable with el, but he opens up to will without even needing to be asked.
mike always heeds, trusts, and listens to will, even when they're arguing or going through a rough patch.
mike always knows just how to mend things with will, because he knows exactly what he needs and he doesn't ever hesitate to do and give it. nor does he need anyone to help him with their conflicts either. he just knows.
el is always left waiting for him to do things for her that he's currently doing for will.
will visibly hates and feels uncomfortable lying to mike, but el can do it consistently with ease.
will is the one that loves mike how he truly wants (and needs) to be loved.
will hasn't been able to move on in full, because he was cast out of his own story and demoted to a supporting role behind the new lead.
el hasn't been able to find out who she really is, because she's been thrust into roles that were never meant for her to begin with. she has always been contorted into the shape of whatever others need or want her to be, but they don't fit because they aren't her.
and, like... there are so many things in this story, which is to say the show as a whole, that would not have happened had the men in el's life not done that. had they allowed her to just be, it's highly likely that the dominoes would've never fallen the way they have.
thankfully, the narrative is set up in such a way that it appears this disorder will rectify itself, but it's still so... upsetting to think about lol.
it all boils down to choices: who gets to make them, what choices they have, why they made those choices, and what happens after. that's all the show is: a series of choices, or a lack thereof, and their consequences with some monster mumbo-jumbo sprinkled on top.
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I genuinely believe Naksu haunts the narrative. Her actions and existence as Naksu heavily impact the entire story. Her past, the life she lived and the shadow of it in Mudeok. But we don't actually know any of it because Naksu is not in the story.
Like. What she lost as Cho Yeong is something that we are never allowed to forget, the loss of her body, her powers, her freedom, and her impending death as a soul shifter hangs over Mudeok's head like guillotine.
All the while we don't actually know the Shadow Assassin Naksu, she died in the first episode, as soon as the story began. Other than training and killing (soul shifters) what kind of person was she when she didn't have to rely on another person else or hide or live as someone else? We don't know and we don't ever learn any of that.
Still, her absence is the plot, yet her former existence as Naksu influences everything; Yul's actions and what she was to him, Jang Uk's goal of returning her powers, the revelation of soul shifters to Park Jin, Jang Gang's departure, Jin Mu's accomplishments, the King's Star even.
Everything is about her existence but she doesn't actually exist at all anymore.
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Sango being outspoken about the fact that she finds the monitoring part of the mission boring and that she'd rather do anything else is funny but also really interesting to me because she doesn't seem to care about the mission to an extent? Or at least, she doesn't seem to view it as a high priority? (She isn't even trying to hide herself in this scene, she is in full view, while Onyx at least tries to remain hidden) Especially in contrast to the other admins who seem adamant on fulfilling Gibeon's wishes (Onyx wants to be serious and he wanted to keep monitoring the group, Amethio is invested in the mission, Spinel seemingly has his own agenda and it's in his own interest to help Gibeon but he is still meticulous about gathering info about the RVTs and researched things with Agate to create the resonance generator to lure Rayquaza). So, Sango being the only one so far who goes "this is a drag, I'd rather have food right now" is really intriguing to me, because why is she there then.
The way she keeps bringing up food really stands out to me too because she is the only one in the Explorers who actually has a "hobby" for herself. It's been brought up multiple times now (she went to specific places for cakes in HZ043 and HZ047). Like, her going to these different places for food is actually something she does for herself! She has things she wants to enjoy outside the Explorers setting, and she is the only admin who does (Spinel has a personal interest in Friede and in the mystery surrounding Liko's connection to the pendant, but I'm not sure I would call that a "hobby", and the others are still shrouded in mystery so we don't know much about their likes). And she decided to go eat churros in the episode instead of continuing to monitor the group (so she prioritized what she wanted to do over the mission).
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Sometimes I still can't wrap my head around the fact that we are truly witnessing Tim in his full horny era. Like him having a thing for Lucy's thighs or hair is no longer just something you read in fanfictions... It's absolutely canon!
We really got to see him having his brain broken numerous time. Like when Lucy unleashed the power of her imagination on him… And again when she went for the kill by kissing him in her apartment and in the plane… And again when he caught a mere glimpse of her bare back…
He went from blurting "naked times" like a dork on their first date to having the presence of mind to wear a shirt with snap buttons for their first time… Because the man understood the assignment and came prepared!
We went from innuendos like "you're gonna need that fuel for later" to them giving their doppelgängers a run for their money with shower sex or laundry room hookup (in the middle of an op, might I add)…
The man who was so against PDAs - even when it might have been the end of the world - now can't keep his hands to himself and is just living out his (and Lucy's) fantasies… And we actually get to see it!
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my dad was on his best behavior tonight. i met him and his new wife. he has a white beard now and looks like every grizzled fisherman in an old sea myth. it was awkward but my siblings carried the conversation (as i was typing that sentence, my sister called to debrief and said "yeah, that was my goal, just to keep talking.") my dad's new wife repeatedly hassled both of my siblings about settling down and having kids, but left me alone, presumably because i'm Butch Dyke. my brother mentioned doing volunteer work with foreign students at college and she went, "oh, are they illegals?" which was the only really nasty reminder of Who These People Are. then when my brother said he'd been talking to a friend, she went, "oh, a giiiiirl?" and he got the meanest look on his face and flatly went, "no. they're nonbinary." truly taking one for the team in terms of being the most problematic one at the dinner table.
dad told several stories about when i was in elementary school, since that's the last time i was his daughter. he reminded me that a lot of who i am now comes directly from him in ways that aren't Always bad. he was the one who told me to beat the shit out of anyone who harassed me or my friends. he was the one who taught me how to fight. he was the one who impressed upon me that i'm ruthless before i'm ever a woman, however much he may regret that now.
i put on my best high-pitched all-american cheerleader appeasement voice for all of dinner, and his wife said, "oh, you sound just like your mother! your voice.... it's so strange" thank you ma'am. it's because my mother and i both know how to win.
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I told someone there would be an ER bracelet picture a few days ago and I'm glad manipulative liars all work in the same, predictable ways.
I have nothing nice to say as I'm enraged that she thinks she'll be welcomed back here and doesn't think she's done anything, let alone apparently has nothing to apologize for. She said a lot, but very little, and what little there was only asked for you to feel sorry for her. Oh, and what makes her happy.
Do not give her your sympathy or pity because Apple has done nothing but seek those when she knows she has fucked up. I have seen so many screenshots of her begging for pity and sympathy as she twists situations to her advantage.
DO. NOT. GIVE. IT. TO. HER.
She has done FAR worse than what's been posted and she fucking knows it.
Her ER story is filled with red flags and is bereft of key information. I say that as someone who has been there and as someone who has been in ERs countless times because of my health issues.
Apple is, and always will be, the biggest victim in her eyes. Nothing she says or does is wrong and if you have a problem with it, oh well, she'll get someone else to attack you. I hope those people are few and far between now.
I don't care if I seem callous about this. I'm looking at an abusive, gaslighting, manipulative, ableist, transphobic (and worse) liar only continuing the same patterns and I hope you all are as well.
The stories people have shared about her abhorrent behavior aren't less important because Apple said she had to go to the ER and needs therapy now. Guess what I've done in therapy? Discussed Apple's affect on my mental health from August until now.
I don't want her making our fandom unsafe. Too many people are still scared of her and this will only make them more frightened. And that's a damn shame.
The only thing I wish for her to do is be honest. If she doesn't want to own this or even apologize here, fine. But if she goes to therapy, I wish for her sake that she is honest, so she gets help and stops being such a cruel person.
Apple, get the help you need. But don't come back to all of the people you harmed. I can't count them on two hands anymore and that's just those of us who have shared our stories; others haven't.
We don't want you here.
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