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kbstories · 3 years

Text

impression//expression

“It’s not like Kirishima had come all this way to U.A. to immediately break the promise he made to himself upon arrival.

It’s just that Bakugou is as feral as they come, and the moment Kirishima recognizes it’s fear he felt crawling up his spine that day, he makes it his personal mission to face it head-on until it’s gone.”

(Or: Being friends with Bakugou Katsuki is anything but a linear experience. Kirishima Eijirou would have it no other way.)

Tags: Kirishima POV, Developing Friendships, Domestic Fluff, Bakusquad, An Extended Scene About The Joys And Pains of Dyeing Hair

Chapter 1. Chapter 2. Chapter 3. Chapter 4. Chapter 5. Chapter 6. No additional content warnings apply. Chapter 8. Chapter 9.

***

⚡💖⛰️🎸📼

You have added Best Bakubro 💣💥!

You have changed the name from “⚡💖⛰️🎸📼” to “⚡💖💣⛰️🎸📼”!

hehehe we’re all set (sent 12:10)

welcome baku!! 💪🏻 (sent 12:10)

God 💡: 👀 (received 12:11)

Simply Mina: 👀👀 (received 12:11)

MT Tape: 👀 (received 12:11)

Best Bakubro 💣💥: shitty hair (received 12:13)

you promised!!! (sent 12:13)

no take backs 👀 (sent 12:13)

Best Bakubro 💣💥: fuck (received 12:13)

Best Bakubro 💣💥: okay two things (received 12:13)

Best Bakubro 💣💥: one i’m muting this so @ me or fuck off (received 12:14)

Best Bakubro 💣💥: two give me your names (received 12:14)

God 💡: wait srsly?? (received 12:15)

God 💡: c’mon bro it’s been months :( (received 12:15)

Simply Mina: yea wth blasty that’s so cold :(( (received 12:15)

MT Tape: answer the people explosion man @Best Bakubro 💣💥 (received 12:17)

Best Bakubro 💣💥: fine you’re staying random numbers then (received 12:18)

God 💡: OH (received 12:18)

God 💡: kaminari denki here!! (received 12:18)

MT Tape: this is sero 🙏🏻 (received 12:18)

Simply Mina: mina!!! (received 12:19)

Simply Mina: @Guitar Hero is kyoka 💖 (received 12:19)

Best Bakubro 💣💥

who? (received 12:19)

jirou!! (sent 12:19)

? (received 12:19)

🔌 (sent 12:20)

ah (received 12:20)

⚡💖💣⛰️🎸📼

Best Bakubro 💣💥: k (received 12:20)

God 💡: anyways (received 12:22)

God 💡: this is the best day of my life (received 12:22)

Best Bakubro 💣💥: shut it jolteon (received 12:22)

God 💡: dude i didn’t even @ u asdfkjsfk (received 12:22)

God 💡: wait omg is that an upgrade?? (received 12:23)

God 💡: did i get upgraded from pikachu to jolteon omg omg (received 12:23)

MT Tape: DIBS ON UMBREON (received 12:23)

MT Tape: we’re picking eeveelutions right? (received 12:23)

!!!! pls pls flareon pls!!! (sent 12:24)

Simply Mina: espeon or sylveon (received 12:24)

Simply Mina: espeon or sylveon??? (received 12:25)

Simply Mina: GUYS (received 12:25)

Best Bakubro 💣💥: this is a nightmare (received 12:25)

Best Bakubro 💣💥: and wtf espeon of course (received 12:26)

Best Bakubro 💣💥: better stats and none of that affection shit (received 12:26)

Simply Mina: the council has spoken (received 12:26)

what about flareon??? (sent 12:27)

plsplspls (sent 12:27)

Best Bakubro 💣💥: kirishima (received 12:27)

Best Bakubro 💣💥: it’s red. (received 12:28)

HELL YEAH ❤️ (sent 12:28)

Guitar Hero: hi what the HELL are you guys spamming about (received 12:30)

Guitar Hero: oh hey bakugou (received 12:30)

Best Bakubro 💣💥: plugs you’re glaceon (received 12:31)

Guitar Hero: i’m cool with that (received 12:31)

Best Bakubro 💣💥: good (received 12:31)

MT Tape: ok kiri i think i get it now (received 12:34)

MT Tape: putting every decision thru the baku filter is so much more fun (received 12:34)

right??? (sent 12:34)

Best Bakubro 💣💥: don’t fucking start (received 12:35)

Simply Mina: too late <3 (received 12:35)

God 💡: our trap card activated the moment you stepped into this chat man (received 12:36)

MT Tape: Bakugou Katsuki has been designated Chief Executive Brain (CEB) of the squad, effective immediately. (received 12:36)

Best Bakubro 💣💥: i’m leaving (received 12:37)

:( (sent 12:37)

MT Tape: … 👀 (received 12:40)

MT Tape: he ain’t leaving huh? (received 12:44)

God 💡: kiri’s puppy eyes once again confirmed as world’s strongest force (received 12:45)

Simply Mina: it’s kiri so we’re all safe tho <3 (received 12:45)

<3 (sent 12:45)

Best Bakubro 💣💥: for the record i hate all of you (received 12:46)

⚡💖💣⛰️🎸📼

Simply Mina: hey hey blasty (received 14:48)

Simply Mina: which eeveelution are you? (received 14:48)

Simply Mina: @Best Bakubro 💣💥 (received 14:50)

God 💡: 👀👀 (received 14:50)

👀 (sent 14:50)

MT Tape: 👀 (received 14:51)

Guitar Hero: ^ what they said (received 14:53)

Best Bakubro 💣💥: eevee, duh (received 14:56)

Best Bakubro 💣💥: i don’t need a type advantage to win (received 14:56)

😭 bro so manly (sent 14:56)

also (sent 14:57)

You have changed the name from “⚡💖💣⛰️🎸📼” to “🦊 Eevee Squad 🦊”!

Best Bakubro 💣💥: fucking fantastic. can we shut up now? (received 15:00)

Best Bakubro 💣💥

see? told u it’s fun 💪🏻 (sent 15:01)

i guess (received 15:02)

like i said u can just ignore the chat if ur not feeling it (sent 15:10)

they’re cool, they won’t mind (sent 15:10)

+ i’ll text u stuff directly if it’s important (sent 15:12)

kiri (received 15:12)

ok ok hhh just saying (sent 15:12)

i know (received 15:13)

you got that shit for ectoplasm yet? (received 15:17)

ummm (sent 15:17)

fucking knew it (received 15:17)

you coming or what? (received 15:22)

!!! o7 (sent 15:22)

Bakugou is staring.

Eyes on the page, Kirishima tries to focus on the function he’s been struggling to get for fifteen minutes now. Something about tangents and right angles? No, cotangents, which is different from a non-cotangent tangent because–

Bakugou has stopped writing a while ago, the fabric-covered pen resting loosely in his hand, his head propped up on a fist.

–the cosine does… something with the sine of X. Division? Maybe? X pops up in a bunch of places, actually, and Kirishima longs for the days math still featured numbers and not whatever nonsense this cos-sin-tan stuff is–

Bakugou is staring right at him, has been for ages now and Kirishima can’t help it. He looks up, only to catch Bakugou looking away, and huffs a nervous chuckle.

“Bro, c’mon. What’s up? Is there something on my face ‘cause you’ve been–”

“It’s black.” There’s a pensive twist to Bakugou’s brow. He breezes through the part of the problem Kirishima’s stuck on like it’s nothing, scribbled down in permanent ink like the monster he is. “Your natural haircolor. It’s black, right?”

“Uh, yeah?”

Kirishima picks his head up from where he’s slumped across Bakugou’s desk, the bean bag he’s sitting on shifting under his butt. Since when does Bakugou care about his hair? It hasn’t been black for over a year, anyways, so what does that have to do with…

“Wait, why do you–”

Bakugou’s eyes wander back to him, landing on Kirishima’s hair for barely a second but it’s enough. With a mortified noise, Kirishima slaps both his hands over his forehead – or more specifically, his roots.

Because Kirishima completely forgot he’s overdue on a redye for a good week and styled his hair as he usually does: gel evenly spread into carefully towel-dried strands, quirk on until it dries, done. He hadn’t looked into a mirror before heading to class or he would’ve seen his tips straying from cherry red to berry pink.

And that jet-black line where it’s growing back out. The roots that are the bane of Kirishima’s existence and that Bakugou saw.

Kirishima groans, curling into himself until his head hits wood with a dull donk. “How bad is it? Don’t spare me, bro, I need to know.”

That rhymes, the part of his brain not burning in the hellfire of shame chimes in. Kirishima firmly tells it to shut up.

“Your hair?”, Bakugou asks from an unknown realm beyond the bit of desk Kirishima’s staring at, a beat late. Probably to treat him to a glare he can’t see.

Kirishima rubs his forehead across his math homework in a miserable nod.

“It’s not more or less shitty than usual, Shitty Hair.” Bakugou scoffs. “What’s the big deal?”

“Oh, nothing”, Kirishima shrugs, his voice a fake-cheerful mumble, “Just that I’ve been walking around like this all day. A whole ass day. Kill me, now.”

“Nah. Wasn’t the idea to ‘die like a man in chivalrous battle’?”

Kirishima shoots him a dirty look. Bakugou doesn’t even bat an eye; he flashes his teeth in a bright smile and knocks his fists against each other, whispering “manly” under his breath and okay, why does Bakugou have to be good at everything, including impersonating Kirishima?

“I hate you”, grumbles Kirishima. Bakugou breaks character to cackle, only stopping after Kirishima balls up his pitiful attempt at math to throw it at his head. Bull’s eye, right on the forehead.

“Oi! That’s your homework, moron.”

“You started it”, Kirishima points at him with his pencil. His notepad is pulled closer with a deep, long sigh. “Now I gotta do this stuff again and stress about my hair. Amazing.”

Ah, the God-help-me eyeroll. It’s been a while. “Just go fucking dye it and come back if it bothers you so much. Can’t be that hard.”

“Says the blond guy”, Kirishima huffs. “Dude, do you even know how long getting rid of this” – a gesture to his roots – “takes? Black hair is a pain to bleach. Literally.”

Bakugou considers his hair with a frown. “…How long are we talking here? Like, an hour?”

A laugh, louder than Kirishima intends. “Try three. Sometimes more, it depends.”

“Three hours?!”

“Or more.”

A little smug, Kirishima watches disbelief bloom on Bakugou’s face. When it comes to this, destroying the innocence of the uninitiated is the only joy he’s got. There’s really nothing fun about sitting through those hours every six weeks, give or take – just plain, boring routine. At least he isn’t anxious about making mistakes anymore, not like his first few times.

It’s definitely worth it, though. Kirishima loves his red hair.

“And it, what. It hurts?”

Bakugou is still processing it seems, a hand going to his own hair. (It looks so soft, that even light color Kirishima has envied since the beginning of time. Such a nice base for any type of dye, especially bright ones or pastels.)

Kirishima scrunches his nose. “The developer does, yeah. Anything over 9% makes your scalp burn like crazy so I stick to 9% and do multiple rounds. I can’t go light enough for the red I want, otherwise.”

“And then the dye?”

“Then you dye it, yeah. Roots first, then the lengths in small strands, let it sit for twenty more minutes or so, rinse it out and then you’re done.”

It’s weird to explain things that have become totally obvious to him step by step, but Bakugou looks strangely fascinated by what he’s hearing. He does likes things to be more complicated than simple in basically any regard, Kirishima muses with a private snicker. Perhaps it’s not that surprising, after all.

“I use pure red on everything but you can mix colors, too, there’s a whole science behind that. And if you decide ‘Hey, I haven’t suffered enough!’, you can do individual highlights as well. But that’s a production all in itself! Ask Kami, he does some wild things to get that lightning bolt just right.”

Bakugou slowly shakes his head. “You people are crazy. That can’t be worth it.” He squints at Kirishima, hums to himself and starts nodding, instead. Vaguely terrified of what’s brewing in that brain of his, Kirishima waits for him to finish thinking.

“Let’s do it.”

There it is, a suitably terrible idea. Also: What?

“Color or highlights?” Kirishima sputters. “Wait, you or me? Bro, I can live with my own mistakes but dyeing your hair is too much pressure. Like, I’ll do it if you really want me to but, um–”

“Color. And you, obviously. Who of us is freaking out about hair, huh? Sure as fuck ain’t me.”

I’m not freaking out about it, Kirishima wants to say. Okay, he had been freaking out a little. Maybe. Not anymore, not with the mental image of Bakugou with Riot-red hair sort of making his braincells implode.

It’s impossible to imagine. Kirishima tries to anyways, fails, shakes his head. Focus!

“But…”

He draws a blank. Actually, Bakugou helping him with his hair does sound kind of fun. Until his patience inevitably runs out and he explodes the pot of dye, or something. Which could be hilarious, too.

“…Homework?”

(Not that he particularly wants to go back to puzzling over non-tangent cotangents – Ectoplasm always seems to know when he didn’t do the thing, though, and Kirishima hates disappointing his teachers more than he does the variable X.)

Bakugou sparks off in his direction. “We got three hours. 'nuff said.” He snatches up the math book they were sharing, Kirishima’s notepad and even the pencil out of his hand, and is out the room before Kirishima has fully registered they’re doing this.

“Shitty Hair!”

Kirishima jumps to his feet.

“Coming!”

“This is so damn messy. How’s your bathroom not stained to hell already?”

Coming up on their third round over his bathroom sink, Kirishima feels little sleepy as he blinks up at Bakugou. That expression of intense concentration hasn’t budged all three rounds, Bakugou’s hands steady yet gentle where they’re starting to dab red dye over freshly bleached roots.

There’s a dot of crimson on his cheek already. After forcing gloves on Bakugou and explaining to him how red pigment is the hardest to wash out – on clothes, skin, hair, wherever it lands – Kirishima isn’t inclined to point it out to him just yet.

“I asked admin about it. They said everything in our rooms is practically indestructible, including the sinks.”

“Huh.”

“Yeah, right? They thought of everything, it seems.”

Bakugou continues. Kirishima dozes.

“Your hair is dry as fuck, by the way.”

Kirishima shrugs with his eyes closed, following the nudge to turn his head so Bakugou can get to the back. This is so much more comfortable than doing it by himself.

“Can’t be helped, man. The dye by itself is fine, actually, it’s the bleach that’s causes most of the damage. Oh well, with the gel it’s hard as concrete, anyways.”

“Mhmm. You’ll go bald by the time we’re outta here.”

“Hey!”

“Bald Hero: Red Riot”, Bakugou muses out loud, easily evading the kick Kirishima blindly aims at his shin. “Stop it, you’re gonna fuck up my hard work here.”

He’s smiling though, Kirishima can tell. It’s all in his voice, roughness replaced by warmth when it’s the two of them in Kirishima’s tiny bathroom.

“Stop dissing my hair, then. Besides, I know your secret.”

This Kirishima wants to see. He opens one eye and yup, Bakugou’s brows are doing the thing where they twitch and pull together. Not exactly a frown, more caught off guard than anything. Bakugou’s lips press shut, stubbornly silent as he brushes dye on every inch of Kirishima's hair.

Then: “I’m done. What am I s’posed to do with this shit?”

Kirishima glances at the pot Bakugou holds out to him. There’s still some of the thick liquid left.

“Just pour it on top. Can’t hurt and it’s better than throwing it away.”

Bakugou does exactly that. He tosses the empty pot and the thoroughly stained brush into the sink. Kirishima helps him wrap his hair in cellophane and a towel to reduce the possible mess, relocating to the closed lid of his toilet so Bakugou can take off the gloves and wash his hands.

“Okay, I’ll fucking bite. What secret?”

Lingering on the tension between them, Kirishima grins with all the confidence in the world. “That you like my hair.”

Bakugou barks a laugh. “After I went all Van Gogh on it? You better believe it’s good.”

“Nope, I mean before that”, Kirishima challenges.

“Proof?”, Bakugou shoots back without hesitation.

“Oh, I can give you proof.” Kirishima’s arms cross over the ratty shirt he always wears for this, its fabric dotted and streaked in interlacing shades of red. “One, it’s the first thing you noticed about me, hence ‘Shitty Hair’. Two, you were distracted by my roots growing in so you pay attention to how it looks–”

“I don’t–”

“–and three, you just spent hours dyeing it for me.”

Bakugou’s mouth snaps shut. He growls in his throat, grabbing an additional towel and drying his hands. Kirishima wasn’t aware those are actions that can be done aggressively but hey, he’s learning something new every day.

“Maybe”, Bakugou finally concedes. The towel is thrown in Kirishima’s face when all he does is smile. “Shut up.”

“I didn’t say anything.”

Bakugou’s cheeks are dusted pink. Still, Kirishima shows the guy some mercy: Bakugou spent all afternoon fixing both his hair and his math homework, after all.

“Hey, Baku?”

“… What?”

“Thanks, man. You’re a good friend, you know that?”

Somehow, that makes Bakugou look even more flustered. “Whatever, Shitty Hair.”

Because Bakugou is Bakugou, namely a man who doesn’t know when or how to quit, he sticks around until Kirishima can rinse out the dye. He emerges from the shower feeling fully restored, a towel wrapped around his waist and his shirt draped over his shoulder.

“And that’s how you do it.”

Bakugou throws him a look from his sprawl on Kirishima’s bed, manga in hand. His gaze flicks to his hair immediately; his lips twist upwards, obviously satisfied.

“Told ya, it ain’t hard.”

Kirishima chuckles, shakes his head. “You’re so full of shit, dude.”

Now that the hair situation is under control for a few weeks, he realizes how hungry he is. The evening has barely begun, too, which means there’s time for a movie before Bakugou’s ridiculous sleep schedule comes a-knocking, either taking him out or making him cranky. Each scenario has about a fifty-fifty chance of happening.

“Hey, you wanna–”

Out of nowhere, his door bursts open to reveal one Kaminari Denki, out of breath and clutching a very familiar book to his chest.

“Kiri! Please tell me you guys figured out the–”

His eyes fall first on the splattered shirt on Kirishima’s shoulder, the trails of watery red dripping from his hair to his naked chest – and then on Bakugou, hands stained a faint red despite the gloves, that smear of color on his cheek Kirishima forgot to tell him about still very much there.

“Is that blood? What happened? Oh my–” Kaminari gasps. “Did you kill somebody?! Oh fuck, we have to hide the bo–”

“Kami”, Kirishima tries between bouts of laughter, “No, what the hell!”

A familiar cackle behind him does absolutely nothing to help their case.

>>Chapter 8.

#boku no hero academia #my hero academia #bnha #mha #bakugou katsuki #kirishima eijirou #kiribaku #bnha fanfiction #tumblr will 100% kill the formatting #this fic is also on AO3!! (again the format......)#anyhow final stop in fluff land before we dive into more angst next time :3c #my stuff

41 notes · View notes

dxmedstudent · 5 years

Text

Dx’s Dating Tips: What Not To Compromise on.

Basic respect. Watch how they treat you, and how they treat the people around you. Don’t tolerate rudeness, disrespect and lack of consideration. You deserve someone who is thoughtful and cares how you feel. Personally, I thought someone cancelling dates was fine, if given notice and a plausible reason; life happens. Same with transport issues; these things happen, as long as they aren’t a regular habit, it’s fair enough. But things like not being given notice, or being ghosted? Not forgivable. This extends to their conduct in terms of ghosting. I didn’t mind people ghosting me, because they have a right to decide it’s not working out for them. But I did not tolerate people who ghost you then come back after two months to see if you are still interested, as if nothing happened. I’m sorry, I write back after 13h shifts, and even write back polite messages when rejecting people. Please, sweethearts, don’t accept someone treating you like you don’t matter. There will always be people out there who can treat you with respect.

Don’t accept being treated as a last minute addition. This also extends to people who e trying to plan the first few dates but just... don’t give you any notice. There’s at least one guy I never met because they kept on just messaging last minute to meet that same evening. The conversation would be promising, they’d know that I’m a busy woman who needs to plan ahead, and yet I wouldn’t hear anything about when to meet until like 8pm on a Saturday when they’d cheekily ask “Are you free this evening?”. Well, no, I’ve already made plans and if they in any way wanted to genuinely meet, they could try scheduling it in wth a few days’ notice. This goes for people of all genders; give people time to plan their lives, and expect to be given the same courtesy.

Don’t accept being a booty call unless that is all you want out of it. If you want casual; great! Make sure you are both on the same page so nobody gets hurt. Be honest with others, but also with yourself; you can’t make someone fall in love with you or give you a relationship if all they want is sex; the only person who will fall will be you. Don’t tell someone who wants FWB that you’re happy with that when in your heart you want the white dress and two kids and a lifetime together. They won’t budge. You’ll get your heart broken. I’ve seen this happen, and I’ve seen good friends spend years pining over someone who is distant and barely a FWB who won’t commit to even being in a relationship, let alone what my friend wants.

Regular contact. Everyone’s busy, but you can assume that if someone hasn’t messaged for more than a week or so, you’ve been ghosted. It’s polite in online dating terms to reply to a message after a day or two; people are usy, but nobody wants to be left hanging for days.Same for when people first start dating; you don’t necessarily need daily epic phone calls or message threads; people are busy. But if someone is interested they will want you to think of them, and they will want to be on your radar. They will want to make plans with you as a priority; not necessarly over their friends and family (nor should they), but you won’t be last on a long list, either. Bear in mind that people who swing by occasionally every week or two (or even more infrequenty) aren’t prioritising you. I used to find it so sad when a friend of mine would wait something like 3 weeks for their barely FWB to message them back; after which they’d quickly suggest meeting up for dinner and sex, then... nothing again for 3 weeks. Rinse and repeat. My friend wanted a lot more, but it turned into a neverending cycle of anxiety (”what should I message him? What if he doesn’t reply? Do you think he’ll see me again?”) that ultimately caused more pain than pleasure. They deserved so much better than that, and you do, too.

Never put in more effort than you’re getting back. You shouldn’t be chasing anyone; if they like you they will want to reply enthusiastically. They’ll want to make regular plans to meet. They’ll be considerate about what you want to do, and when you can meet. They will care about what would make you happy.

If you’re a woman, in particular, never trust a man who doesn’t take into account your personal safety; if you’re meeting late, they should care that you’ve got a safe way to get home. They should think about whether you are comfortable being out that late. They should be respectful of the fact that they might still be earning your trust and that you might not be fully comfortable around them yet. I used to get frustrated by perfectly decent men joking about how the first date is the “obligatory meet in a coffee shop to prove I’m not a serial killer date” after which it’s straight back to their flat for dates. Like... making me comfortable and letting me feel safe is not a tick box gesture to be rushed through so you can get me alone, it really matters to me. Bold of you to think it takes me just one hour over coffee to decide you’re definitely not a serial killer. You might be like a foot taller than me and have twice the muscle, I need to be able to feel safe and respected and comfortable with you. I need to feel that you understand consent and see me as a person. You’ll earn my trust when I decide, and I appreciate not being pressured to meet somewhere private where the other party has an advantage after meeting for like an hour. I think someone suggesting going back to theirs is fine but there clearly shouldn’t be any pressure for ‘more private’ dates early on in the dating process, unless the other party makes it clear that they’d like to be alone with you.

Don’t rush. Some dating sites suggest meeting ASAP to avoid wasting time if there is no chemistry. I recommend being more relaxed; meet people when you feel ready, not when other people tell you to meet them. Don’t be rushed; you’ll know when you feel comfortable to meet someone. I found that messaging people for a little while meant that when we did meet, there was more to talk about and I felt more comfortable because I knew people a little better. If you run out of things to talk about on the first date because you messaged for a few days longer, then you were always going to struggle to hold a conversation with that person.

If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. Some people are very good at saying all the right things - 'oh yeah, I want kids and marriage like right now ... and I love you'. Intimacy takes time, and nobody who is serious is going to rush into commitment lightly. An honest person rarely promises anything, because they know what it means to keep a promise. However, people can, and do, promise anything when they have no intention of delivering. I’ve known people actually say “He told me he loved me after the second date, and he said he’s fine if I get pregnant because we don’t use condoms, he’d love to be a dad”. Sis, it’s date 2. No sensible man has two dates and decides he’s ready to father your children and get married. Be careful and don’t rush into anything with a person you really actually don’t know. I know infatuation and wanting the best things to happen are both one hell of a drug, but please try to keep your head screwed on. Sometimes people try to sweep others off their feet because they know the other party will fall in love and then be easier to manipulate. Actions speak louder than words, so take your time and make sure that anyone you date is following through on what they tell you they will do. And if it becomes clear they have no intention of keeping their word, then you know what to do. Be honest about what you want and look for honesty in return.This applies to everything. Be cautious, but approach things with a spirit of cautious optimism; bad things are out there, and you want to be able to spot them.

Never settle. There are so many people out there you could meet and potentially love. You deserve far better than settling for someone you don’t even like. Yes, in real life people are human and nobody’s perfect. Even a good potential partner will have flaws and weaknesses; all couples have disagreements or things they don’t see eye to eye on. But overall, you should genuinely like and care about the person you are seeing, and feel that you get along with them well. And that you can raise things with them without it turning into a massive blowout row. You know what? My married friends don’t live a different life from my friends cheerfully ‘living in sin’; both types generally seem to have solid partnerships with the odd misunderstanding or argument, but overall make a good team. Marrying didn’t make my friends’ relationships any different; they had to be strong and compatible to begin with. There is no prize for getting married; the prize is the person. If the person isn’t that great, wellp, what are you doing marrying them? Although I can’t quite disabuse myself of the romantic notion that marriage would be a lovely thing (Ugh, there’s a romantic somewhere inside me after all), I really do resent how important it is viewed as. Because people feel pressured to tick a box, rather than pick a person.

Only date because you want to. Not because your friends all paired up and tell you that you need a girlfriend. Not because your mum is worried you'll end up alone. Not because you feel like that's what everyone else does when they are your age. Many of my friends have gone through long periods being single; I can’t even describe myself as an oddity. Generally in society? Yes, that’s probably freakish. But in medical circles? We seem to have the wholes singleton thing going on, as a cohort. Date because you want to meet prospective partners; whether flings or something more serious; whatever rocks your boat. It can be a fun pasttime or full of anxiety and stress; it depends very much on what you get out of it. Be prepared; it can shake your self-esteem by digging up feelings about why previous relationships didn’t work, or all the times you felt rejected and unloved. There will be rejection; that’s an interent part of dating; online or otherwise. Dating makes being single feel more raw, somehow, because you’re making the effort to look and acknowledging you want something different at this point in time. So you have to be ready and in the right mindset to weather it.

You always have the right to change your mind. If someone is not right for you, it is better to be gently honest. It’ll be sad and one or both of you might feel hurt, but it’ll turn out for the best. Staying with someone because you are afraid to hurt their feelings is ultimately not fair on them or yourself.

You don’t have to meet anyone who makes you feel uncomfortable. Only talk to people who you are enjoying talking to. Only agree to meet people who you genuinely want to meet. Occasionally, I’d realise someone made me uncomfortable and I just couldn’t bring my self to meet them and then I would feel really guilty about it, even if I dreaded the thought of meeting them or they gave me awkward creepy vibes. You don’t need to feel guilty for just not wanting to meet someone. If someone seems nice enough but you just aren’t interested, be polite. Imagine how many rejections everyone gets. But you don’t need to see them out of pity. I didn’t want people to feel like nobody ever replied, so I tried to respond to the reasonable looking people. I found that plenty of guys were very sweet about the polite rejections I sent out. I didn’t bother being quite so heartfelt with the copy pasted “hello gorgeosuee ;)” people, but then, with such low effort, I didn’t think they’d expect much, and honestly I didn’t want to reward poor behaviour. Whereas when it came to people who wrote really nice messages, I wanted them to realise that they were doing really well. And if anyone gives you the creeps, listen to that instinct. sure, you might miss out on someone great, but that’s better than meeting someone feeling like you’re about to get murdered, or finding that the creepy vibes you were picking up were right. Absolutely use your blocking privileges if you have to. Report anyone who is inappropriate. You have every right to feel safe.

#dxdates #dx dates #dating #relationships #safety

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ksbwnotes · 3 years

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Chapter 5

...reading this drains my soul...OTL <-- Me crawling forward in the same way I keep making myself read the chapters lol

1. Seriously, why Bum

Well, I say that, but the more I think of it, the more I can see other people reacting similarly, even if that wouldn’t be the common response. Bum doesn’t really know what else to do but follow Sangwoo’s orders and he does increase his chances of survival in the long run if he just does what Sangwoo says. He might die from the rat poison, but he definitely will end up getting something broken/cut off if he disobeys Sangwoo.

Also, Bum doesn’t just have BPD (because if it was just that, honestly, Bum doesn’t fit the criteria from what I’ve seen), he has dp/dr disorder, psychosis, and complex PTSD. So I think all of that mixed together, it really effects the way he sees things, which explains his less...sensical conclusions.

But that’s just a realistic outlook. From a more personally entertaining one, it’s kind of like Bum has this block that keeps him from doing things like lashing out at Sangwoo.

If Sangwoo ended up eating the poison, Bum could allay responsibility by saying “well, that’s his fault for falling for it, I gave all possible clues that I poisoned it after all”, which could give another angle as to why he reacted so obviously. This is Bum’s way of keeping what little sanity he has in tact, even if it does mean staying with Sangwoo. I dunno, I have a lot of thoughts on KS and I have no clue on how to dump them all out in a way that would make fkkn sense...because, actually, a lot of them disconnect and branch off into alternatives, so are technically separate from each other, which ends up confusing me lol.

2. Ohhhh okay

Oh this is why Sangwoo called Bum ugly...he also called him a bunch of other stuff earlier, but the ugly part--just contained to this scene--is also spurred by how Bum tried to poison him.

It also does makes sense because Sangwoo knows that, even if someone smiles at him in the way Bum does, it can’t mean anything good because he KNOWS he has done nothing to deserve Bum’s smile.

And I dunno, the way Sangwoo ensures that Bum swallows it, reading Bum’s intentions to not swallow (which...how were you going to make that happen, Bum) and silently giving a physical warning to make sure he does swallow as punishment for what he tried to do.

To be honest, now that I know Sangwoo’s mom killed the dad via poisoning, I’m surprised that this wasn’t a trigger for Sangwoo. He beat Bum up for dropping plates, so why didn’t Bum trying to off him the way his mom offed his dad send Sangwoo off the deep end?

3. Wait, so what happened after this???

Did...obviously Sangwoo didn’t actually...finish eating it right?? So what the heck, what did they do after this? Why is it that Sangwoo is just...treating everything normally? I mean, he didn’t make Bum cook something different, but he had to have eaten something...but he wasn’t angry at Bum ruining dinner??? No seriously, there’s a huge gaping hole in plot here.

Bum listening to Sangwoo’s orders actually did end up saving Bum. It appeased Sangwoo. Maybe because they were able to get past this pretending that everything was ‘normal’? In a way, it’s like Sangwoo is saying ‘Yeah, I don’t blame you for trying to poison me. Thank you for being so goddamn obvious about it, btw. It was like you were trying to save me hahah.’

4. ...Did...

...Did Sangwoo just call the radio station he always has on in his house to ask them to play that song??

Seriously, it’s like everything Sangwoo does just shows how trapped he is in the past.

5. No seriously

What does Sangwoo DO in that basement???

6. Oh hey, the first time he does this

Like when Bum later tries to kill himself, Sangwoo is about to put him back in the downstairs bedroom, changes his mind, then brings him upstairs to his bedroom.

So in here, he does the same because Bum is injured THE SAME WAY HE WAS TRYING TO KILL SANGWOO, but Sangwoo still decides to take care of him in a better way. He no longer doesn’t think it’s “right” for Bum to be in the basement, Bum has no place there anymore.

And it shows that Sangwoo is really just...reactionary. He really means it when he later tells Bum “I don’t plan things” because...gahdang, man. The way he just reacts to his environment is really split second, it’s kind of unnerving and it really contributes to the worsening of his PTSD.

7. Oh my god Sangwoo

Wth is going through your brain, seriously.

Okay wait, now that I’ve gone through more chapters and got to point #11, maybe Sangwoo is just...confused as fuck. As in, why Bum is this way. Since we later see Sangwoo treating Bum only after he tries to kill himself, then maybe Bum actually took the poison himself and here we see the aftereffects of the ‘suicide’. So maybe this is just an early parallel to what Bum will outright be doing in the future.

This also explains why, in earlier panels before collapsing, Bum is asking himself “what’s happening”, because him and Sangwoo ate the rat poison, but there was no reaction, so he maybe thought that it wasn’t enough or the rat poison was just regular salt pills or something. I don’t freaking know.

8. Wow, Sangwoo really going the extra mile here

I can assume that Bum actually vomited in the bucket, but it’s clean, implying that Sangwoo actually cleaned it up for him.

9. Okay...?

So either Bum is having auditory hallucinations or Sangwoo brought back his next hunt.

So that could be another reason why Sangwoo doesn’t think Bum belongs in the basement, because he’s no longer the ‘prey’ that Sangwoo reserves that basement for. Bum means more than them.

10. *squints* is that...not blood??

Saliva? Tears? Sweat?? Water from washing dishes??? jfc

11. “Are you okay?” *WHEEZE*

I love how Koogi does not reveal whether Bum means that in a “shouldn’t you be sick too” or a “I hope you’re not sick” and...seriously, I’m just really confused at what’s going on.

Does this mean that Sangwoo DID eat the soup and whatnot??@?!?!?!?!?! WAS BUM PUTTING THE GODDAMN RAT PILLS JUST HIS IMAGINATION!?!?!??! I’M. I’M SO CONFUSED!?!??!?! IS THAT WHY SANGWOO IS TREATING HIM SO NICELY???? BECAUSE HE THOUGHT BUM WAS TRYING TO POISON HIM, BUT ACTUALLY THAT WASN’T WHAT BUM DID!?!?!?!?!?! WHY ARE THERE SO MANY GAPS, KOOGI, YOU’RE REALLY JUST TRYING TO FUCK WITH OUR BRAINS HERE HUH (i seriously and sincerely applaud you).

12. ...*stares off into the distance*

What goes through your head whenever you end up asking these things, Bum?

13. I genuinely do think Sangwoo is fine with this

Even though there are parts of Sangwoo that are confusing--because he can be impulsive--for the most part, it’s easy to see what parts will trigger him or not. I think Bum being genuinely interested in Sangwoo and pleading for things that have the “let me be with you” vibe is what Sangwoo wants all along, so it won’t trigger him.

But that’s only if Bum does things like stop trembling and actually looking like he wants to be with Sangwoo, since Sangwoo can very accurately read Bum’s body language and what not.

14. Wait, sir, you are a fkkn unreliable narrator

Uhm...they died in a homicide three years ago, Sangwoo...that was when you were 21/22...are you saying the last time you sat at the little table with your mom, your dad overlooking you, was during high school??? I cannot trust your explanations lol.

15. First look into Sangwoo’s childhood abuse

Huh, this entire thing is interesting because it makes me go at an entirely different angle than what ended up actually happening at the end.

If I read this webtoon while it was being updated, I would’ve never come to the conclusions I’m coming up with now because the ending gives the story an entirely different conclusion.

For one, if it really is the run of the mill domestic violence situation, I honestly don’t think Sangwoo would be killing women the way he is now. There was something else to these memories. Something that was so much sinister than what happened growing up with his father, that it completely broke Sangwoo in a way that his father’s abuse did not. Something that he can never say until his madness ran so deep, that he could no longer suppress those memories.

The one we see here, with the table, was actually the least worse of Sangwoo’s memories. That is why he is able to bring it up, even in a fond a way. Because, in a way, these were Sangwoo’s happiest memories. The least painful ones. The safest of them.

That is why, as we get further in the story, we can see the descent into the truth of Sangwoo’s path directly correlating to how he is destroying himself in real time (I just wanna know when that occurs, because obviously, Bum is the catalyst for Sangwoo’s destruction).

16. Ooooh, Koogi’s art

I love the dichotomy between Sangwoo’s mom (Eunsoo???) and Sangwoo’s appearance. Eunsoo (even if it’s wrong, it’s easier just to type this lol) doesn’t actually acknowledge or see the reality before her, but her mouth is wide open in fear to show how she is still reacting to it. Sangwoo, on the other hand, only has his eye drawn because he does see the reality before himself. But because he’s powerless and he knows that using his words/making sounds will do nothing or even make the situation worse, he is mouthless.

17. “someone like you”

Honestly, for me, this was more derogatory than Sangwoo calling Bum ‘ugly’ and a ‘loser’. Here, it’s like acknowledging Bum is worthless that, if it weren’t for current circumstances, he would’ve never opened up to Bum like this. It’s just that Sangwoo has no better alternative, so he has no choice but to rely on Bum. This type of tone carries on throughout the series, where it’s obvious that Sangwoo is only with Bum because he would literally have no one else by his side.

In another way, Sangwoo is saying that an abusive serial killer is the only type of person that could ever be with “someone like” Bum.

18. Wait what??

Uh so this is the immediate reply after Bum saying sorry and...I honestly am at a loss over what Sangwoo means by this.

19. Hmmmn...

Well, knowing that I know now, Sangwoo is saying this because he doesn’t want Bum to do this to himself and this is the only way he knows how to show his concern and desire to keep Bum alive.

When Sangwoo is verbally abusing here, it seems to have a different vibe than the other times. I can’t really explain why without having to look back at my other notes, but when Sangwoo says things “I hate guys like you the most”, it’s his way of deterring Bum from trying to hurt himself again.

And honestly, if I’m right and Bum actually swallowed the rat pills himself, then Sangwoo is thinking Bum was actually trying to kill himself and that is what spurred him even more into making these comments.

20. l;earjgiejario;gejrogjreagpjrea’ fucking hell

This is more deranged when you know HIS MOM’S CORPSE IS LITERALLY BEHIND THE WALL IN THE LIVING ROOM HAHAHHAH.

21. UhhhhHHHHHHHH

that...that ISN’T A GOOD THING THOUGH SANGWOO. You'RE NOT DEALING WITH THE TRAUMA, YOU’RE JUST BURYING IT TO LET THE WOUNDS FESTER AND COME OUT IN A DIFFERENT WAY. PLEASE SANGWOO.

“Why? How? I looked for the reason. And then I saw you. You might’ve been sprawled in the basement, but the fact that we were together made me feel relieved. And I’m even being loved! That makes me feel so strong. You wanted to know what you should do right? *kisses Bum’s wrist* I wonder if this is a good enough answer.”

...Honestly, I do not have the energy to parse out my thoughts on this matter. Not right now. :’)

22. *rubs hand over face* And here comes the hard part

It actually is interesting that Sangwoo still kisses Bum despite the fact that he has been vomiting the whole day and didn’t actually brush his teeth.

He complained about Bum’s leg hair, so I would’ve expected Sangwoo to grimace and say that Bum was right. However, he didn’t. Actually, Bum’s reaction might’ve even made Sangwoo want to kiss him more (Bum blushing, obviously wanting to kiss, but trying to think of Sangwoo and worrying about being too gross).

In a way, I do think this is all of Sangwoo’s way of trying to ensure Bum doesn’t leave him. He’s trying to ensure Bum doesn’t try to kill himself, to a point where he’ll give Bum some semblance of romantic love even if he himself doesn’t feel that. Because desperation to not be alone--to have someone who can love him unconditionally in the way he has never been loved--is different from truly want to be with someone.

He’s using sex and romance as weapons to keep Bum, because he has never seen either used as anything healthy.

23. UggggghhhHHHHHHHHH

Honestly, the hardest part for me to go through is the sexual/romantic parts between Sangwoo and Bum. 😂 Because those are things that are supposed to only be between people who love, respect, and trust each other, and those two up there are so far from that those are not even an option for them.

Like seriously, this was the part I was dreading reading, but I’m scared about missing a detail that’s important to the rest of the story.

And honestly, the thing that pains me the most is Bum’s response. He really loses himself whenever pleasure is involved. He is so low on feel-good neurotransmitters that he can lose himself in something like this and it really hurts because it makes everything so much worse and I’M DYING.

24. *wheeze*

Okay, but this reaction actually made reading this less painful xD I’m dying for a different reason lol

So another poster did mention how this harkens to him most likely having a oral-based trauma. And considering how his mom did rape him before killing herself, this is a very, very likely possibility.

I also don’t think this connects to him *ahem* “not being gay” because, honestly, getting a blow job doesn’t have to necessarily come from a female. Arguments can be made that a straight man can accept BJs from men.

But either way, I frkkn agree with Sangwoo because Bum is SCARY. Like. Bum wanting to give Sangwoo a BJ honestly terrifies me too. And it cracks me up that Sangwoo genuinely looks unnerved and confused by Bum’s reaction, it’s hilarious.

OH WAIT.

Continuing on, Sangwoo allows Bum to touch his dick?? Huh. I dunno, maybe I just have a screwed perception, but touch seems like more...intimate than a BJ? BJ has a more superior vibe to it that can easier objectify the giver. So Sangwoo refusing one does support more of the oral-trauma theory.

25. Ooooh??

I think it’s really interesting that Koogi decided to not draw Sangwoo’s expression here.

It really does seem like Sangwoo is only doing this because it’s a way to keep Bum with him. Later, as we see him get more sexual with Bum, we also see him lose more and more of himself to the trauma with his mom.

26. Okay but this blush

Awh...he could’ve been such a cutie pie...:’) Seriously, Sangwoo could’ve been such a good person, both him and Bum could’ve, so it really breaks me knowing that they couldn’t be.

Anyways, I don’t think this blush is in response to the hand job. I do think that the reason why Koogi didn’t show his expression is because Sangwoo was dissociating from the situation. Later, we see him confusing Bum with his mom during sexual moments, so I don’t even think Sangwoo enjoys sex with women. There is too much trauma for him to enjoy sex in general. If I’m correct (I might be able to see it more once we see Jieun), then Sangwoo can only have sex without dissociating if it’s violent and unhealthy.

The moment he feels pleasure, his mind blanks out. The moment he feels happiness, he tries to destroy it. The moment he feels ‘normal’, his psyche breaks even further. And Bum makes it worse because--as you see here, he doesn’t actually pay attention to anything else but his own pleasure--and he takes things face-value so that he doesn’t have to deal with the consequences. Bum is just as messed up as Sangwoo, only in a different way, so they both bring out the worst from each other. Which is difficult because the only time they can ‘feel’ the best is with each other.

Anyways, I think this blush is because of what Bum said: “I wish we could mix together like this”...with...the sperm. God Bum, you’re killing me.

Anyways, Sangwoo’s reaction is due more to the romantic aspect, with the thought of him and Bum being together forever. For that to happen, he’s willing to let his relationship with Bum be sexual despite how he can’t have a healthy sexual relationship.

Yeah, okay, it was important for me not to skip that part, I can accept defeat. OTL

#chapter 5 #volume 1

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calangkoh · 7 years

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alphonse elric post-cos headcanons

based on my “teenage alphonse elric would be an absolute nightmare” post except it’s not as funny anymore now it’s just sad

al actually does have a lot of angst going on so let’s talk about that before we talk about how it manifests in his teenage behaviors: first off, general ptsd. now that his memories are back and he has a body and like, a brain to torment him, he’s gonna be having nightmares and flashbacks and anxiety and paranoia and days/moments where he’s feeling so overwhelmed where all he can do is sit in terrified silence. his survivors guilt from the end of the series returns and then multiplies, because he shouldve died but ed brought him back and now he and his brother are together and somewhat happy and it doesn’t seem fair. he also was the cause of the destruction in central, which definitely killed a buncha people. he has so so so much survivors guilt and has a hard time appreciating anything because it always comes with guilt. hes also resentful to ed for making his sacrifice at the end of the series mean nothing. like ed couldve had his limbs back and be happy in amestris but no ed had to play sacrificial ping pong and bring al back and make things ten times more complicated and make al have to live with all the guilt he feels

again before we get into what a nightmare al is i wanna talk about what an angel he is first (because to me it makes sense to talk about the good first and let you leave with the bad lmao). and it has to do with ed’s struggles. al knows his brother and knows how to calm him and take care of him and knows his patterns. at first al is frustrated with himself because ed has changed a bit and he has to readapt to this. at first he feels like he doesnt know his brother anymore, but he catches on pretty fast. Al is an angel because he still takes great care of ed, and knows how to tend to his needs. He can tell when ed is having a bad day, when he’s on the verge of a panic attack, when he’s anxious, and just in general knows all his ptsd markers and how to care for them. als teenage behaviors are also his way of defending ed from how messed up he is. he doesnt want ed to know hes struggling because he knows ed will blame himself. honestly as codependent as the elric brothers are, they have poor communication because they always want ot protect the other, but it never works because they know each other too well and can see right through each other. but they never talk about it. They just act on it. both of them are the most self-blaming people on the planet and it just snowballs because they’re aware the other is self-blaming, which they self-blame for, etc etc etc.

now onto teenage behaviors. so all this angst is what’s motivating it. and obviously, he misses home, too. and hes thrown into this totally different world and he doesnt know what to do with himself. i mean, ed has a resume now from working with alfons’s team, but he’s not gonna keep working for nazis so he’s gonna go get a research career at a university and be successful and probably even be a professor (this idea makes me extremely happy tbh). meanwhile al is like wth do i do with my life? some more relatable teen angst of “what is my purpose in this sucky world.” ed tries to include al in his work but al just is too distracted and depressed to be interested.

so what does al do? he snaps at ed a lot. Post cos ed has learned sensitivity and warmth (like in cos i really got that sense from him that he learned more social skill and grace) and he literally big brothers al all. the. time. and it comes from him caring for al’s mental health (like he knows what al is going through to a tee but he just doesnt know how to communicate verbally with him about it). he’ll bring work home with him and try and get al in on it and al will snap at ed ti leave him alone. ed will offer to take al to work and al will get pissed because why cant he just mind his own business and stop treating him like a kid? ed will offer to do things with al, he’ll do little things to try and make al happy and damn al is terrifying. i mean i have a personal story here: my older sister smothers me a lot and senior year of high school (she was living at home after graduating college) and im sitting in my room and she comes in without knocking, and in the sweetest voice is like “look at this shirt i had that you can wear to school!” and in the most demonic voice possible i just say “get out of my room” and she justs squeaks out “okay” and leaves looking terrified. Like THAT is ed and al. Ed will do something totally unexpectedly thoughtful to try and help al and al will just be a total shit leaving ed with nothing to do but run away for his life because nothing is scarier than a moody, teenage alphonse elric.

So yeah at first al just stays at home alone, wondering, “high school? or factory job?” And just isolating himself from the scary outside world that he doesnt recognize.

When ed takes him out al is so quiet. Ed talks pretty excitedly about his day, trying everything to help his brother out (because god he was just as miserable when he came to this world and the only reason ed is genuinely doing well now and is actually pretty happy despite his mental illnesses is because al is with him now. And ed just wants to freaking save al from this pain but it just...isnt working. he knows its not that he isnt enough; he knows al would rather be with ed here than in amestris without him but god he still cant help how muh self loathing he feels that he cant help his brother like hes able to help him) and al just zones out and plays with his food or sips his tea or looks at the sidewalk. its not that he doesnt care about his brothers day or that he resents him for being happy, its that he just does not have the energy to be present. and then that is snowballing because he feels like a sucky brother and then he feels like hes self-pitying too much and then its just this endless cycle

So al goes to high school because ed thinks the mental stimulation and learning about this worlds culture and science would be better than throwing him into a factory job. thing is, people who stayed in school past 14 in this time period tended to have money. And while ed makes money, he only makes enough to put al in high school and then provide the bare minimum after. and al cares about his appearance and about what others think about him. its just his personality. and even though hes a brilliant kid who picks up on what hes learning really quick, he still doesnt know much about this world and its current events and honestly amestris is so much more modern so al is confused about certain restrictions and stuff like that. so in school al is this poor, socially awkward, but super-good-at-school teachers pet and dude he is so so bullied and has no friends. remember he also has the mind of a 17-18 year old and so definitely appears to be an old soul among his actual 13-14 year old peers. so hes extremely outcasted. but now he also has a temper and he gets into fist fights.

now you’d think al would pummel these kids, right? Well no. you see when al gets into these fist fights, it kinda triggers memories of being in the armor and he becomes clumsy and out of touch with his body and sometimes forgets how to even move. some fights are better than others and the bullies are pretty shocked this kid has any skill at all, but al never wins against this entire group of kids

so yeah al comes home beat up and ed gets majorly pissed but now that theyre in this…normal life, having your big brother come into the rescue is not awesome. And ed doesnt get that because, well, when your bro is being beat up isnt the right thing to do to beat up the guy thats putting his life in danger? like these are eds survival/protective instincts from years of adventure and danger, so al telling him not to do anything is like...what? he doesnt understand. and al is getting super defensive about the whole thing. “Its none of your business” “leave me alone you’re not in charge of me” etc etc. and in a rational moment, al calmly explains that ed doing anything about it will make it worse. and now ed feels even more helpless and we all know that that is the worst thing ed can feel

and al is just such a nightmare now because hes getting in physical fights and sneaking out and losing his temper and snapping at people and being grumpy and rude. i can write a whole other list of headcanons for alter wrath both exacerbating his behavior but also helping his mental health (like him being friends with alter wrath/rudi as the fandom has named him really makes a “things get worse before getting better” situation

#calangkoh #meta #headcanon #alphonse elric #fma #fma 03 #fma 2003 #cos #conqueror of shamballa #fullmetal alchemist #edward elric #i tried writing

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smuttyfairy · 7 years

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i just finished watching thirteen reasons why and im telling you guys it's not something people with mental issues should watch. i have ptsd and i have been sexually assaulted 3 times and i couldn't stop crying up to now whenever i remember something i cant just- it's so hard you know being reminded of something bad that has happened to you. but im okay tho, i can handle it. but the thing is that watching thjs triggered a lot of things in me. and you know the suicide thoughts recurred but im

working on how i can change that and relieve it. i dont want to the butterfly effect to happen to my loved ones. i want it to affect those people who have hurt me. i love my family and friends. i love my friends even if they betrayed me a lot of times. i would feel alone because no one ever defended me. they befriended the person who sexually assaulted me because they needed favors from him. and to those people who knew no one came up to me to ask me if i was okay or what. they didnt do anything

but idk maybe it’s because of the good things that they’ve done and the happy memories we shared that kept me still wanting their company. that happened when i was in 9th gr. but in 10th gr people made made up a rumor of me having a sex video. it wasnt true though i swear. and that resulted for me to have these teachers to pick on me, talk about me. and assume things. it really hurt my feelings bc one of the teachers failed me so i could not attend our “moving up ceremony”. i felt sad and alone

okay wth i forgot where i left off. but anyway, they were the ones who spread rumors abt me too. they threw me under the bus. they like befriending people who have hurt my feelings. i cant even forgive them up to now. but they did help me with a lot of things too. they helped me a lot. they’re nice people but sometimes they just want to save their own skin, act cool, and all those “popular kids” do. my group and i are popular at school and they value that so much. im the only one who befriends

those “quiet” kids. they call me weird and stuff for being different. i love them but sometimes it’s just too much to handle you know. they expect me to do tons of shit for them but when it’s my turn to tell them im having problems of my own they tell me their busy or they give half-hearted replies. i just dont fucking know anymore. every time im alone i think of all these bad thoughts and it makes me hurt myself physically so i could stop thinking about those bad thoughts

my life right now is a total fucking mess. and idk what to do anymore you know. everything is so hard. oh and when my friends asked “the guy” why he did what he did. he blamed me for giving him “signals” which i fucking didnt. because if i did give him “signals” i could’ve kissed him you know. fuck, even the mere thought of it makes me sick. my friends also blamed me for it. victim blaming fucking hurts especially when the ones who did it are your friends.

sorry for cussing. im just so angry at everyone. but i have to hide it so people wouldn’t worry abt me. i dont like being a burden so i’ll just keep it all to myself. sorry for ruining this wonderful acc’s vibe. it’s just that everything has taken its toll and i dont have anyone to talk to. thank you so much.

---->Hey anon~ sorry for my late reply I really wanted to just take a seat and relax and take the time to read and thoroughly answer this for you without the whole rush of trying to get this posted.

I’ve seen the first couple eps of 13 Reasons Why and man, I may not have mental problems nor depression but gaaahhh…the first ep had me triggered because I had a similar situation like that happen to me. I won’t lie that watching that ep made me feel a little sad and regretful and sort of empty in a way???

So definitely I wouldn’t recommend it to someone who has depression and/or mental issues because it is a show on very sensitive topics. I mean, it is a good show! Don’t get me wrong! I know they wanted to make the book come to life and perhaps get the message out that young people have their life struggles and how to change it or fix it or prevent it and etc BUT MAN OH MAN it’s still hella triggering.

And back to you anon, I’m so sorry you’ve gone through all of this :/ sometimes the people who say they’re your friends are so quick to turn on you when they hear a “rumor” about you with a guy. I know bc this something on a much simpler level happened to me once (a stupid rumor similar to Hannah in ep 1) and I can’t believe how powerful one rumor and one guy can get to cause a group of friends you thought you knew to turn on you??? Like man…what’s wrong with people? It’s definitely painful and heartbreaking when no one is on your side and believes you and you have to deal with it alone :/ It breaks my heart to know you’ve gone to no one about this serious issue with that dick bag low life of a guy. He doesn’t deserve to see the light of day hun and you should definitely report it to someone :/ I’m so very sorry again anon 😔

Also, I’m upset that your suicidal thoughts recurred yet so glad to hear you’re trying to change and prevent yet this from others. You’re a strong soul my love, keep on holding out ❤️ Everyone may feel alone and feel like there isn’t a way out and that no one can help them but in actuality there are people just like them who suffer similar issues. Definitely voicing out that you need help is a great step compared to keeping to yourself. There are people in your local community who you can go to, school counselors or therapists, hotlines you can call, and people all over on forum boards or social group chats you can talk to and discuss these problems with. No one wants to suffer alone and no one wants to be alone.

You’re a good person anon, I can feel it. The world needs more people like you honestly. Your so called “friends” treat you horrible in my opinion? They seem to fall into the pressure of wanting to be popular and not getting judged harshly by others. Tsk tsk tsk. Is popularity really that much important?? Honestly though, none of your middle/high school social status lives will matter once you graduate. No one actually cares about that once you, you know, finally “grow up”, so,,,,, jokes on them. (Of course what you learn in class is always going to matter ^^)

But good for you anon! You befriend people who your questionable friends would not. I’m glad you do because everyone could use a nice friend like you even if you are under-appreciated by them and neglected by them. Thank you for being such a good person to them. Honestly though, they probably don’t deserve a friend like you :’)

I just know you’re in a lot of pain and I know you don’t want to be a burden anon, but trust me. You don’t want to pent up anything like this and you oh most certainly do not need to feel like a burden to not make the people around you worry. You should definitely voice out your feelings and you should do it to people who care. Perhaps maybe your friends and teachers may not be a choice in that matter, however the option of calling a hotline to voice these issues would be much more helpful and hopefully beneficial for you.

I hope you slowly take the steps to get better and relax your mind and body from such stress. Deep breaths in and out are very helpful, get some fresh air into those lungs anon! Listen to music and sleep, cleanse your soul even if you’re bored! Take up new habits like exercising or maybe painting? Draw your mind’s attention away from your problem and distract yourself with things you can enjoy doing. Take care of yourself and please make sure you contact someone when you feel you’re at your lowest. Feel better dear💗

-All my love,Admin Smuttyfairy

#Anonymous

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whimsically-ominously-auspice · 4 years

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Update on Mark:

He tried to kill the doctor.

#GoddessProblems

He took the double prescribed mood stabilizer medication.

Then they allowed him to treadmill exercise because he doesn't want to be worn out from the pill or dazed and confused

1. That counter acts the pill and activated fighting hormones. The whole point of his exercise.

2. Actual emergency which he will figure out when the pill stsrts working and rewiring his brain will counter act any sluggishness he feels from the pill

3. Hes not allowed to exercise.

4. He can do push ups and sit ups only with some one he can trust. Which i will insist will be the doctor he tried to kill. Except he will train the doctor. In his little hospital room as if he was introducing me to the way he exercises. Because he will exercise in the bedroom when I am there and we are married. So he is to treat the doctor as though the doctor is me. But will call him "doctor" and give him the respect that the doctor and i both deserve. So calm patience and all that. I can't do sit ups because the babies and all that and I rather do weights than push ups. But I will sit in the floor with him and sometimes I'll do Like 5 each if,i need a break from what i am working on. Mark would be mean and say if i needed help then i had to work out which i refused if he talked to me like that. But doctor will match. Doctor gets tired then Mark and he both stop for the day.

5. Doctor works out more than Mark so he asks Mark can i push you? Because i want to. I want to be mean like you are to Sabrina. But we need to figure out how not to be mean. Fight the endorphins that allow us to push further. They already started a basic structure for this discussion.

Because Mark steals my excess energy. So today i went to the store and was walking and had to go sit in the car due to intense hip pain which Mark believed is because he is angry at God because he dosssnt want me on Earth. So he takes my energy instead of asking God for more.

So he took it out on the Doctor.

Mark doesn't want me on Earth unless it is perfect. Well obviously it was perfect once. And hasn't been for a very very long time. So why hide the fact it sucks? I already know. And i have my own injuries i was born with that cause pain.

So that he is reminded to care for Me.

The rule is, he cares for me then i help him care for the Earth.

He forgot. Due to his Alien foster mother whom he believed over reality and truth.

And so like the doctor said Which I didn't know, is he should ask God because I am here. And I'm staying here. And so he has to get over his anger

Even if h3 can't get over it He still needs to look over the fact of his hate. He needs to help me by not using me and using God.

The doctor used very different words and didn't quite get him this far. And that is okay.

They first had to give him sedatives the amount a horse would take.

Mark sounds crazy like we all do and are taught to believe when Gods are brought up and aliens and such. So although it does And sometimes I think man I look crazy and like i shouldn't be believed, i know what i can see and i know how it is there and how it is settled in truth.

Yet there is destruction, especially in Marks mind of the information.

Such as stealing my energy. Its likely I have a a child sitting on the hip bone. So it sits on my hip bone or on my anus and causes me to shit myself. Today I have had to shit 5 times. Tiny shits so Wendy is having difficulty to be comfortable right now. And she says it is Because he is in the hospital because he promised he wouldn't mess up. So right now she's in a nightmare.

Wendy and Peter don't want to grow up without a dad and they are by my butt. Gas. Farts. Passing wind instead of passing gas is said in some cultures.

Then Jazmine and Jazper are in front of them. Holidays are on Marks side. Christmas and Cupid his sons. Constantly Christmas. Cutely Cupid. His goals.

What we know is on my side.

But he hasn't grasped Jazper so thats why hes in the mental hospital.

And he's getting Jazmine. Via my anger.

So the doctors job is to reverse the damage done by the foster mother. If he can't reverse it then he's too remove it.

So what the doctor Said to ask God for help instead if stealing from me and to help build a relationship with God

Which Mark didn't want to.

So he was told then by the doctor about how hurting me isn't good and how if hes angry at God then he should hurt God and take his powers

To which he replied he wants me

And so the doctor said it's good So they just need to go around him wanting to hurt me

Which Mark did explain came from the foster mother.

And so what did happen was inthe physical kill attempt:

The doctor came to check about the pill and it's effects and Mark stood in his sweats: oh im good here let me show you

The doctor noted he was still in hid sweats and he had a psycho look which he mentioned through his vocal cords

And Mark said "good so glad you noticed" and attempted to choke him

So Mark got punched in the face, right hook. Which didn't knock him out.

The unprepared nurses were called for a sedation while the doctor sweeped Mark into a sleeper hold. Which is also not what i do but ill tell the doctor.

I use two arms, one around the throat and one under the pits. If they fight or struggle I hang them from their neck. If they don't, i hang from their arm pits.

Just so if they get to that point in the relationship.

This way it's a reminder I will take control, I have the ability to kill but I won't unless they do something i perceive as a threat.

Sitting is better, too, because then they have took be on their knees and you wrap your legs around them for extra control. Like on a chair or stool.

So the doctor held him while Mark faked sleep and then as soon as the nurse shot him up with the sedation in the hip, he stood, shook the doctors hand, took off his sweats and got in bed.

So Mark said he didn't want to talk but doctor said thats his job so he stood under the tv at the foot of the bed.

And it was progressive but he said he wanted to talk to me before he agreed it was a good talk.

So Doctor asked what I would do instead of shaking hands and he said squeeze or shake his foot. And since he wouldn't agree squeeze is better.

So Mark still trying to size him up told him to squeeze his heel has hard as possible. The doctor did squeeze hard. But not full strength

So Mark doesn't know how to fight the doctor. How hard the doctor can fight so all the time he spent preparing his mind to over throw him will not work.

The doctor did say "i did that friendly" and reminded him to listen to me.

...

Mark says the doctor talks very slow and professional says the same things i do but I throw down and the doctor instead of presdnting it that way says it's an opportunity so instead of being tossed in the corner bloody and left to die, the doctor makes it feel like all the doors are opening and he can breathe,

So i am an eye for an eye. Definitely ra and not Catholic. Be sure to read about the creation of Lent for human trafficking to be "blessed"

And so we can see the doctor seems to be that the doctor is also.

His job is to provide opprotunities to the mind -- the opposite of his Foster Mother, Roxanne.

Our job is to provide opportunities to the physical body. And take opportunities from evil that take opportunities from good or the general public in mass quantities.

And so our paths are parallel and similar. Which is why Mark did go and he did go willingly and called 911 for himself.

...

Right now Mark trusted his foster mother like a Goddess and worshipped her.

So now he knows from his own information that she was wrong.

And so he doesn't know where people are coming from. Or why and so everyone is considered to be 3vil right now.

He was telling me how Boss was evil and shit yesterday. And so i told him to fuck himself he was stupid and he cleared himself up

So what is happening is the opportunities he had to release his hate against the foster mom can present themselves to turn against people he loves.

Its happened before but we were younger and ibwas able to rearrange things so that they became smarter at work and i avoided the Foster Mother totally.

I removed who taught you that stupid shit and instead said "what are you guys doing?"

"That's wrong we will need to do this"

And since i had began cleaning the southwest wth such success i didn't have a problem.

In 2010 I couldn't cut a clear path. I could not even mow the grass. And certainly couldn't set it on fire.

The doctor will be able to set it on fire. I read an article about how the fires in Australia have burned so much they revealed some old canals and paths that they used long ago.

So the doctor will do that. Along with me.

The doctor sets the fire and then we all help keep it burning. The difference with Australia is he knows the canals are there. His brain knows the old pathways fo think.

We just gotta kill the poison on top, the enterwoeven vines that are crushing and preventing his success to be himself.

Vines can grow thicker than a Sequoya (sequoia) tree and taller. The biggest and thickest trees in the California forest.

So we just gotta light this shit on fire.

Its the basics of curing amnesia. Easiest way I cam explain it.

Mark kept putting wet tree branches down with fire retardant.

But Boss said lets stop. So that's one reason why Mark turned on him first and so quickly

Because the Columbians which are actually our friends from the USA, kidnapped. Came and Mark wouldn't listen to sanity.

So that's why Boss got caught up.

So everyone is in danger. But as they progress i can make sense for him to keep everyone safe.

Because while he will turn he doesn't want to kill innocent people.

So it will be a series of Kidd Rock close calls except the doctor will have to fight back and not plead for his life.

Because Mark isn't going to listen to anyone or anything when he has psycho eyes.

But hes fine enough to understand the double sleeper. And hes says hes fine if the doctor does that... Which can mean multiple things.

He says he means he went there willingly for help and he knows he's not insane but he acts criminally insane.

Which I will reply i don't believe he isn't insane. I'm quite sure he is.

He is also criminally insane on top of that. So this week is to acknowledge it. Begin the fires, so i can visit next week if i can get a ride.

Then in 2 weekish to test the ravaging fire is working and can still burn proper in public with me.

Then he will return to the doctors care in the hospital. And we will have a series of these events.

He totally burned out the medication completely though i can tell. So if he gets a simple dose of the min it might work

Unfortunately our bodies will reject high doses of something sometimes and with certain attitude and such it won't help. And so he may very well need two pills seperated through the day.

Then if that works we can try a double dose next week.

I do a pill 2 hours pill then 6-8 hours pill. For pain. Then it's 4 hours. Then 2. And of course I should be sleeping but if I don't it will same cycle with pills lasting up to 10 hours. Unless i sleep then it usually resets unless I'm making very good and clear way through an issue. Then it may not reset or i may not have any pain I'll have new pain that isn't arthritis.

So it seems he's all set. In a rubber prison like room.

And the doctor is bigger than he is, muscle wise.

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sniffen-mountain-road · 7 years

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Have you ever had a sleepover with the last person you kissed? Yikes, no Do you think that you're good enough for the one you like? Absolutely, but it doesn’t actually matter Will next weekend be a good one? I’ll be dog sitting so hopefully! Who last saw you in your underwear? Fiorenza? Who were your last 3 texts from? Gretchen. Unless you mean last three people in which case it’s Gretchen, Gina, and April Have you ever dated someone who treated you like crap? That was usually my job Do you want things to change right now? Some things, for sure Where is the person you like? Buffalo Last person you were on a couch with? Grace?

What do you think of the last person that you touched lips with? Hot mess Are you excited about anything? YES Has the last person you kissed ever been mad at you? maybe, doesn’t matter Anything you're giving up on? yeah What if you had a baby with the last person you texted? I’d love to be with Gretchen, but I wouldn’t be a good father. It would be a disaster Who is your favorite person to talk to when you're down? I kind of close myself off. Do you think before you speak? Rarely, but I’m working on it How many hours did you sleep last night? About nine Would you go skydiving? hell no Do you have naughty pictures of anyone on your phone? I do not What's the most recent thing you bought? A ticket into the Pace women’s basketball game Who was the last person to emotionally hurt you? Miranda? Who was the last person you drove in a car with? Mom When was the last time something REALLY made you laugh and who made you laugh? I don’t remember honestly Do you like to cuddle? I do Do you ignore people when you're mad/upset? Kind of Did you learn anything lately? In a way Is your phone right beside you? Yes, to the left

Do you like the person you are becoming? I really do Does it annoy you to see trashy girls get all the guys? There’s a lot wrong with this question Do you think too much or too little? I go from the two extremes Can you handle the truth? Not always, but I always prefer it and will learn how to handle it What are you looking forward to in the next months? Top surgery!! and who knows what’s going to happen after that... Are you anything like you were at this point last year? In a lot of ways, no Are you wearing jeans right now? Nope Have you lost contact with someone you wish you didn't? Oh absolutely What's something you do when you're mad? Reclude Are you a patient person? No haha Would you rather be mad or sad? Sad Do you think you can last in a relationship for 3 months? Yes! Do you ever use words like stoked, souped or sick? Not too much anymore (although I never said souped, wth is that?) When was the last time you cried? Earlier today a little Closest green object to you? The cover of the book Bambi Where is your default picture taken? My car haha What is your current mood? Worried If you could go back in time and change something, would you? YES ugh how pointless... Ever kissed in the rain? Yeah Is there someone you just can't imagine your life without? Well sure, I mean my family for one Do you believe in true love? Of course Will your next kiss be a mistake? My last one sure was! so only time will tell Anything special planned for the weekend? SPORTS not playing them of course just watching them What were you doing at 10:30 last night? I had just gotten home from the gym, I don’t remember what I was doing exactly Do you prefer warm or cold weather? Warm Has anyone got on your nerves today? No What were you doing before filling out this survey? uhhhh... haha How is life going for you right now? For me personally? Not bad actually Do you think you can last for an hour without talking? Sure Do you like getting hugs from other people? Totally depends on the person Would you ever get a tattoo? I already have two and would get more Is there a difference between ‘I love you’ & ‘I’m in love with you? Absolutely Have you ever turned to drinking or smoking to solve a problem? Drinking, in the past, but only very briefly Do you believe in second chances? Depends on what happened the first time around Who's the last person you laid on a bed with? Kristen Do you like silver or gold better? I think silver Will you be single over winter? how could I possibly know that Are there some songs you can't listen to because they remind you of someone? kinda.. When's the last time you laughed really hard? Recently but I can’t place my finger on it Do you answer restricted calls? No Are you happier now or five months ago? I think now. although five months ago I was still dating Kate so idk Has anyone ever said something that brought tears to your eyes? Of course Does it make you mad when people stare at you? Depends on who’s staring lol Honestly, has anyone ever seen you in your underwear? well duh Do you pick your words carefully, or just tend to blurt everything out? Tend to blurt everything out. I’m working on it. What is more important in a relationship, happiness or trust? I don’t think you can be happy without trust Is your hair up or down right now? lol Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with? No! Last song you listened to? I think it was One Direction. but now it’s “Hymn For the Weekend” Do you think you've changed over the past year? oh absolutely When was the last time you talked to your grandmother? 2007 Is there a specific moment you can replay in your mind perfectly? A few Do any of your friends dislike each other? I don’t think that happens much anymore Have you kissed the last person you texted? I can’t remember honestly. It’s a definite possibility. Do you find smoking unattractive? yes Do you drink bottled water? Not really Are you gonna get high later? Maybe but probably not Do you hate anyone at the moment? hate is a strong word... but I really really really don’t like him Do you miss someone? 100% Twirl or cut your spaghetti? Twirl How exactly are you feeling? Didn’t we go over this already? Do you regret anything from your past? yeah in a way Do you want to have kids? no way Ever kissed somebody thats name starts with a B? I’m positive I have Have you ever broken someone's heart? yeah. not proud Have you ever been cheated on? Not that I know of? Do you swear a lot? Not so much anymore Would you live with someone without marrying them? of course Have you ever been out of state? well yeah Who's the last person you had a deep conversation with? Grace

#self #questions

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