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theseasonsofrose · 3 years

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~ Words ~ The power of words is to communicate, whether it's spoken or written out. But what are words if you don't have any listeners or readers? It becomes meaningless. . . . . . #seasonsofrose🌹 #poetry #poetryhealsme #poetryisnotdead #poetrygram #poetryofinstagram #poet #writer #artist #storyteller #writersofig #womenwhowrite #abstractpainting #words #feelings #inspiredbylife #powerofwords #dontliveinsilence #speakup https://www.instagram.com/p/CIcI1nRFnB0/?igshid=zvjt971z83uk

#seasonsofrose🌹#poetry #poetryhealsme #poetryisnotdead #poetrygram #poetryofinstagram #poet #writer #artist #storyteller #writersofig #womenwhowrite #abstractpainting #words #feelings #inspiredbylife #powerofwords #dontliveinsilence #speakup

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joyfuldeepend · 4 years

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Triggered....

Last week I watched a movie before bed. Was in a funk and figured a good coming of age/misfit movie would be great to wind down. Unfortunately I didn’t know what was coming at the end of the movie and out of nowhere I was triggered....suddenly I was in tears and couldn’t breath as I feel the panic attack coming. **The following discusses sensitive topics. Please be aware if this is a trigger topic for you.**

At the end of the movie I was watching, it comes out that this teenager was molested by his aunt and he feels guilt, being happy, when she dies in a car crash. I haven’t had an emotional response like this one in a while, related to that topic. It scared me and I wondered if I will always struggle with this thing. As I cried, I said to my sister (who came to talk me off the ledge) “How could anyone ever love me or deal with me, when I can barely handle this burden myself.”

Context: When I was six I was taken advantage of by a male family member who was a bit older than me. We didn’t talk about it in my family after the night it occurred. As a six year old you only have so much emotional development to understand what happened, what you’re feeling or what has begun, as trauma has entered your life and your DNA is rewiring your responses to things it associates with that moment. In the movie the person keeps flashing back to all of these moments with their family member and it hit close to home. I continued to see the family many times as a young girl and they even lived with my family for a brief period of time. Because I had been wired to never talk about what happened, my family didn’t know that I spent every moment of those times in fear. I was terrified it would happen again or I would do something to bring it on or receive attention from them that would be misconstrued. This person was young teenager when it occurred and not a heinous and malicious person, yet it didn’t stop it from becoming my trauma to live in. Writing about this feels terrifying, yet I know if I don’t it will always feel like it’s held over me.

It took the better part of 20 plus years to really talk about that moment or the resulting things in my life related to that night. No one knew what was going on inside of me and I learned to not talk about things. My six year old self taught my adult-self how to isolate, hide and not talk about things. It’s been a delight for relationships lol NOT! Side note: someone I once dated told me they were going to “take care of me and buy me nice things” and I pretty much had a panic attack as a response. LOL Talk about dream girl! I’m nothing if not an experience to behold.

That day, I watched the movie, my emotional bandwidth was completely overloaded. This season of our world has many of us beyond our anxiety or emotional bandwidth and bringing up things that our busy lifestyles don’t always allow time for. In my last blog I talked about how I was dealing with fear about not making through this season and not having an emotional/mental break. This is real life and these are real feelings and experiences. I can’t change the past, but I am a firm believer that I can change what I do with it for the future. While I thought I wasn’t allowed to talk about my experience, I’ve learned that talking about it gives me power and not the situation. I want the people who read this to know that there are safe places to talk about your things and that it is ok to talk about them.

Thank you for joining me again in the joyful deep end! I’d love to hear from you and your experiences in the deep end.

#mylife #TheJoyfulDeepEnd #MeToo #Triggered #TalkAboutIt #DontLiveInSilence #FreedomInSharing #Safeplaces #tumblr #BlogPost

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chronicallydivine · 6 years

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Thank you for sharing such a profound and heartfelt post, and for spreading awareness. Sending gentle hugs and spoons your way ✨💜🥄💜✨ #Repost @living_notjustexisting ・・・ Another #pin , this one was custom made by @chronicallydivine in green for me. I bought one for @francogetsflex so we could be matchy matchy. Anyone battling with their mental health I believe are warriors. We battle daily with a world wind of emotions daily. We battle with our mind and our body simultaneously. I read somewhere that #depression "is living in a body that wants to live, with a mind that wants to die" and it struck a cords. If you've not battled it, can you truly understand the strength of a person fighting that? We have people making comments implying or blatantly saying we are lazy, moany, irritable, angry, negative, we need to be strong, or comments like "that's life" totally rubbishing how you feel. If you just did this you'd feel better. I have #pdd #dysthymia which a lot of people don't know or fail to read into it, as you are seen to be "functioning" or "hide it well" the truth is it feels like a life sentence at times. People also can have #majordepression on top of it #doubledepression . Two different forms of depression, two different sets of emotions, fears, sadness. Double the sadness and emptiness. I've been in this state for a year and a half but I am working hard to be free of the major depression episode. I'm working hard to get my #anxietydisorder and #panicdisorder under more control. So I can begin to try and live the most normal life I can. I'm not lazy - there are 1000 things I want to do, I'm not weak, negative or irritable. I am fighting battles you can not see. But for the most part, I'm winning! #depressionawareness #mentalhealth #depressionwontwin #depressionwarrior #mentalhealthawareness #chronicillness #chronicillnesswarrior #dontgiveup #youmatter #mentalillness #mentalhealthwarrior #breakthestigma #stigmakills #supportlocalbusiness #dontliveinsilence #panicdisorder #keepgoing #campaignagainstlivingmiserably #depressionisreal #mentalhealthwarrior

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