#even the transition from college to grad school felt easy. I didn’t even know for sure that I wanted to be a teacher

[itspileofgoodthings]

Years ago, I asked you what the different alternate universe Maria’s were doing with their lives. Are the answers still the same?

OOOOOOF yes.

but now I’m in the period where I have to face that I do not, in fact, have multiple lives so I have to figure out what I’m doing with my one wild and precious life and the sort of (for me, at least) ease of following a particular school-related completion course that wasn’t too hard to commit to or finish has come to an end and I am at a crossroads where it’s just like—you could choose. And on some level, in the next few years, you need to. Low-key terrifying and I hate it.

#like. when I started college it was like. okay well now finish it and then I did. and then it was like well you need training for a job #so I did my two year master program in teaching and then I just did that. #and then it was like ‘get job’ and then increasingly ‘adjust to job’ and I did both of those things #but all of those were in the grand scheme of things easy choices #because they also came with clear opportunities that felt like signs #I got the job right after I finished the program! I got into college and was offered a (small) scholarship #even the transition from college to grad school felt easy. I didn’t even know for sure that I wanted to be a teacher #but it was a sensible gamble and it was the same college and I got offered a writing job at the same time that gave me work experience #and it all just fell into place #and even the first four years of teaching where I had to sort of actively battle to get better and adjust to it all #have just run out! The road of easy choices have run out. And I for one hate that so much #and on some level I am content to wait for whatever the next easy choice is. To wait until the signs align again #but tbh I don’t think I am being allowed to do that again #This is just. Different #anyway this is a lot thank you for asking Stacy aksksjjehe

[alleycat97]

Star Dust (1)

Warned y’all about the spam! This is an Au version of With Every Heartbeat! It’ll have a few parts!

f!Dakota x Mc (Sage)

Tag list: @samanthadalton @fundamentalromantic​ @kwaj05 @penda-bear @gay-dinosaur-banana-milk-carton @shows-simp-card @obsessedwithtragedy @stardustmountain @iamsimpforpoppy​ hmu for the tag or if you wanna be removed.

College graduation had arrived. That previous 4 years simultaneously flew by and drug on for Sage. She stayed local and went to Massachusetts, a decision she was grateful for. It hadn’t been the easiest journey since Dakota’s passing, but she was making it.

She had made new friends at school and kept her mind occupied on extra curricular’s. Sage still lingered around the topic of dating and Mateo and Lennox still called once in awhile, but life started to take over for all of them. However, there was still one time a year when Sage completely shut down and locked herself away from the world.

Dakota’s Anniversary. It happened to fall a day after her graduation and it really dampened her entire mood.

“Sage? You going to the big grad party tomorrow night?” Remi asked a very ill looking Sage.

“Remi!” Carson quietly hissed pulling the girl aside. “You know what tomorrow is.”

“Yeah? The big party?”

Carson sighed and made sure Sage wasn’t listening, “No! It’s the 4 year anniversary of her girlfriends passing. Every year she locks herself away and doesn’t talk to anyone. I guess she’s starting early.”

“Oh for goodness sakes, Sage!” Marley said stomping over from the kitchen. “You aren’t doing this again! This is our last big party before we all go our separate ways!”

“Marley!” Carson yelled at the bold statement.

“Stay out of it Carson. Stop playing peacemaker for her. We are all suite mates and I’m not going to let this negative vibe thing you got going on Sage keep ruining you.”

Sage kept still on the couch, not really listening, but just thinking back to her last day with Dakota. She saw Marley’s mouth moving but nothing was coming out.

“It was 4 years ago! Let it go! I know it still hurts but you’re just killing yourself. You grieved! It’s time to move on! She would want you to!”

“Ok Marley I think you said enough.” Remi stepped in with Carson.

Sage caught the last of Marley’s rant and it killed her to admit that she was right, so she simply met the eyes of her best friends and nodded that she would go.

The next night Carson kept close to Sage, trying to convince the girl it was ok to grieve and to stay home if she wanted. Sage pushed it aside and mainly sat at the bar all evening. Listening to her classmates hoop and holler, music thudding through her core.

She opted for the sparkling cider and mocktails because they were Dakota’s favorite. Alcohol wasn’t Sage’s friend and even it’s wicked power of mind erasing, Sage wasn’t into it. She just sipped her drinks and looked through her albums of her and Dakota, counting down to the exact time she had passed.

“Hey darlin? Wanna dance?” A preppy male voice called standing over Sage.

“Not interested.” She replied coldly.

“Come on sweet cheeks, let’s party!” He tried again.

“I said no.” Sage never looked his way. She wouldn’t give this guy the satisfaction of entertaining the idea.

“Hey doll!” The boy said snatching Sage’s phone, finally getting her attention.

“Give it back!” Sage hissed.

“Give me a kiss.” He laughed leaning down towards Sage.

“You’re drunk.” Sage backed away at the putrid odor.

“Awwww look guys! Is that you and your girlfriend?” He said looking at Sage’s Lock Screen. “You guys look like a couple of bald freaks!”

Sage snapped and smacked this goon so hard his head should have spun around. He shook off the hit and slammed the phone to the floor, shattering it into pieces.

“My phone!” Sage winced out before looking back to the goon who decided to throw a punch towards Sage that connected below her eye. It was a weak throw, mainly due to his inebriated state, but it still hurt and Sage, trying not to tumble and cry, found her foot resting firmly between the goons legs, sending him to the floor.

“Sage!” The girls come rushing over after the commotion, “Are you alright?”

“My phone....” She whimpered trying to collect the pieces.

Carson and the girls helped pick up the pieces and they apologized to Sage over and over while leaving.

“Hey! Wait up ladies!” A man called out catching them outside.

“Listen, tell your friend we will sue if he tries anything else, my dad is a lawyer. Hell, he will be hearing from him anyway for hitting Sage.” Marley barked out getting in the guys face.

“Easy easy. I’m just here to give her this.” The man extended Marley a roll of cash.

“This is $2500?” Marley spoke.

“Yeah. Some to get a new phone and the rest is just to say sorry. Don’t worry we took it from his wallet. It’s the least we could do.”

“Well. Thanks, now scram.” Marley hissed waving her hand in annoyance.

The suite mates made it home and Sage locked herself in her room. She looked at her luggage in the corner all ready to go and then to her smashed phone. This was Dakota’s night and she couldn’t even relive her memories through her phone. Stupid jerk she thought. $2500 wasn’t near enough to fix the emotional strain he caused.

Sage figured there was nothing left at school now, she graduated and it was best if she left as soon as possible. She had to get back to Boston to see Dakota.

She checked her watch, it was late but she didn’t care. She wrote up three farewell notes to each suite mate, thanking them for their awesome four years and wished them good luck. She heard the suite go quiet and taped the notes to their doors and took her luggage with her. It took a trip or two to load her car but she got it without waking anyone.

The road late at night was calm and peaceful. It was just her and her thoughts. She could finally mourn Dakota without interruption. But her eye continued to swell and bother her so she took some minor pain meds as she fought the pain and sleeping urge.

It was a longer drive than she recalled, most likely the dark and her sleep deprived body made it seem that way, but the sign for the cemetery perked her up even more as drew closer to the city. The closer she got to Dakota the more at peace she felt, she found herself closing her eyes behind the wheel soaking up the feeling of her lover.

She was in her own world now, a world she learned to tap into just for herself and Dakota. It was just them and no one else. She was so in tune to it, she never knew a drunk driver swerved over the line and hit her head on.

The transition was seamless, she was with Dakota in her own happiness.

“I’m afraid I have to go now.” Dakota spoke slowly disappearing.

“Dakota wait! I’m not ready to go yet!” Sage cried watching her girlfriend leave once again.

“It’s ok Sage, just wake up.”

Sage opened her eyes and found herself standing outside of the graveyard. It was daytime now, and she kept hearing her name.

“Sage!!!!” It sounded like Mateo. So she followed the voice.

“Sagggggge!!!” Now that was Lennox.

Sage smiled at the realization, “Ok guys, very funny.” Sage looked around but still couldn’t find the two voices.

Instead, a dark figured man appeared behind her, scaring the daylights out of her.

“Ok, this isn’t funny anymore. Who are you?” She said cowering away.

“I’m death Ms. Woods.”

“Death? But I’m not dead!?”

The man came closer and took her by the arm, opening up a portal with two paths, “Pick one.”

Sage pointed to the one on the right first, drawing her into a funeral in session.

The entire city looked to be there. As well as her mother and The Winchester’s. A funeral that seemed like Deja vu.

“Why did you bring me back to Dakota’s funeral?” Sage questioned.

“Look closer.” Death spoke.

Sage heard Mateo and Lennox calling her name like before and watched them this time. They weren’t trying to scare her, they were mourning her. As she focused on the tombstone, the name was her own, Sage Woods.

“That’s impossible! I can’t be dead!? How can I be dead?”

Death opened the portal and took her to the image on the left, “You were suppose to select this one first, like a book? Left to right.”

“Excuse me for not being very literate right now.” Sage yelled as she was brought to her car crash.

“Watch.” Death spoke pointing to her car.

Sage watched in awe as she saw her soul leave the car and rise to the clouds. “So if that’s my soul? Why am I here with you?”

“Why do you kids always ask so many questions? Look you’re dead and I’m showing you it’s true. Now I’m here to bring you to the afterlife.”

At the snap of his fingers, Sage found herself on a cloud outside of a great city in the distance. There was a gate and a man and a woman. One dressed in black and the other in white. Angel and a demon perhaps?

“Welcome home Ms. Woods. I’m Archangel Pariah and this is Demon Mezaya.” Then man spoke, “Here are your clothes.”

“Wait? Why are they gray?” Sage asked.

“You child, are an unclaimed. Unclaimed are typically mortals who end up here and have to earn their right to be a demon or angel.” Mezaya spoke.

“Up the path, the road splits into two paths, stay to the left. It is for the unclaimed. The other road leads you to the citadel.” Pariah said opening the gate.

“And what’s in the citadel?” Sage asked.

“When you are chosen to be an angel or demon, the citadel is an oasis for your own personal heaven. You can create your own and intermingle between others and their heavens.” Pariah added.

Sage kept on the correct path and ended up in a smallish town like place. It was cute and quaint, definitely old, but beautiful. There was hardly anyone about, but something was calling her to a building in the center of the town.

It was a feeling she couldn’t describe, it just felt right, it felt like...Dakota.

Sage entered the building revealing it to be a restaurant jam packed with unclaimed and a few angels and demons. And just like the new cowboy in town, as soon as she entered, the music stopped and all eyes where drawn to her.

A cup falling and shattering made Sage look at the source and came face to face with...

“Dakota.”

#playchoices #pixelberry #with every heartbeat #weh mc #WEH #Sage Woods #F!dakota #dakota winchester #dakota x mc #f!dakota x Mc

[cancerbiophd]

Hi Julia! I will be graduating from grad school next summer and I've been accepted to a R&D position in the pharmaceutical industry, which was my dream so I'm very excited! As someone who also made the transition from academia to industry, do you have any tips or advice on how to handle the different expectations? Thank you!

Hello Rose! Congratulations!! That’s so wonderful to hear. You’ve worked hard for this!

I’m very much still in the process of learning to navigate the transition myself but I will tell you all that I’ve learned so far. I’ve found that grad school has actually prepared me quite well for industry because of all the translatable skills I picked up (and even from college and other life experiences). So if you find this list is filled with some familiar things, then that’s a very good sign!

Have a method to deal with feeling overwhelmed. Going from academia to industry can feel like moving from a small rural town where you knew everybody to a big bustling loud crowded city. Oftentimes it will be sensory and information overload, and it’s easy to feel anxious most of the time. It’s best to have in your emotional tool-kit a few plans on how to navigate challenges like figuring out unfamiliar protocols and tasks, what to do if you make a mistake, how to decompress after an anxiety-inducing phone call or presentation, etc. 

I recommend not forming any emotional attachment to your projects, because unlike grad school where we worked on basically one big thing for many years, projects can come and go very quickly and seemingly unexpectedly in industry. And most of the time these decisions are not 100% up to us in R&D, but the business side of things, because if a project isn’t meeting a company goal (whether financial or otherwise), it’ll be put on hold or cut. (But that’s not to say R&D doesn’t have input, but we don’t often get the last say). 

Know your go-to person or persons for questions, from your manager and fellow coworkers for project-related questions to contacts in IT, HR, etc. And be protective of your right to ask questions and receive answers. This is part of your job, and this is part of their job as well. Everything that comes out of your department is a team-effort, after all. And time is money (and company goals fulfilled)--always remember that. And that includes your time as well, so taking 5 min to ask a question and getting a straight-forward answer is much better than spending 5 hours confused and doing something wrong! Not a day goes by where I don’t ask a bunch of questions (and most of them are: what does this abbreviation stand for? Because in industry, apparently if it can be abbreviated, it will be.)

Set clear expectations and goals with your manager, and check in with them regularly. Project goals are much more concrete and common in industry where project timelines (sometimes set by the business side) guide every decision, vs academia where decisions can be more experimental and free-flowing. Finding out your pace in this timeline and delivering what your manager expects is a two-way street where communication is key. Whenever I get a new project, I like to tell my manager “let’s touch base on my progress tomorrow” so we can a) catch any of my mistakes early, b) estimate when I’ll be done/ready for the next step, and based on that, c) see if we need to have more help. 

Follow what your fellow coworkers do in terms of small workplace-culture-things, like email etiquette (eg. reply to one vs reply all), when to start and end each work-day, how to respond to manager requests (my team likes each of us to reply with “ok will do!”), the best way to communicate (we prefer instant messaging via slack), etc.

Stay organized and prepared. Time is money in industry, and staying organized and on top of things saves time (and thus money). I’ve also found that it’s always better (and expected) to be able to provide an immediate answer to questions during meetings, rather than “I’ll get back to you” (unless it really is something that’ll take a while to figure out). So have your notes ready and well-organized. 

Related, document everything, or at least know the reason behind your decisions. Mostly because you may be working in a very large and interdisciplinary team (think sales, operations, marketing, etc) and they may not have the science-know-how to understand some R&D choices. Also higher-ups may not be able to remember every minute detail of a project, so it’s good to have all that on hand. The other day my manager actually asked me to remind her of the decisions we made during a meeting on one of her projects. Good thing I had taken notes!

Take the opportunity to learn who everyone is and what they do at the company that you meet. Company directories and LinkedIn profiles are great for this. 

Pay attention to the paperwork. Companies run on rules and regulations and contracts and legal this and that. Our choices can have more consequences now than when we were in school. I usually like to get 2nd and 3rd opinions on things (either from coworkers or from a more experienced friend or family member) that I’m not 100% sure on. 

Be prepared to have more trust placed in you and your decisions. Not really a huge piece of advice, but more like, hey, head’s up! Because one thing that was jarring for me as someone coming straight from grad school where our self-esteem was repeatedly pummeled down was how much more respected I am now. My feedback and project decisions are actually welcomed, trusted, and acted upon. This is in part to my degree, my experience, and the culture of my team, but wow, I haven’t felt this valued in such long time. 

Related to that last point, professionalism counts more now. Academia offers a bit more freedom in terms of how an individual dresses and acts, but company environments put more emphasis and expectations in those things (especially for customer/client-facing positions). Depending on your company, you may have a dress-code and be held to a certain level of professional etiquette. 

And lastly, take it slow, and trust that effort will never betray you. The learning curve can also be pretty steep--my coworker tells me that it’s at least 6 months for my position. I like to finish each work day by reflecting on something I now know that I didn’t when I woke up that morning--it really helps keep my self-esteem up and the feelings of imposter syndrome down. 

That’s all I got for now! My inbox and chat are always open if you have any other follow-up questions. Congrats again on graduating and your new position!! 

#rosetvler #job advice

[blackcoffeeandblankpagess]

Congrats on moving to Oregon!!! I'm so excited for you & your future. I'm curious - how do you enjoy moving so much?! You make such big moves on a regular basis and you seem so unfazed by it. I moved once last year for grad school and it was STRESSFUL. And I'm making a bigger move once I graduate. So I guess I'm just wondering why you like moving/how you make it an easy transition?

Omg hello thank you! I really love this question

I think it’s really interesting that I give off the vibe of ~enjoying~ moving because I really have never though of it like that but when I read that I was like huh, I do really enjoy moving

I don’t necessarily enjoy the physical process of moving as in finding a new apartment, packing/unpacking, etc. That’s a giant pain in the ass, let’s be real. I basically lost my mind for a week when apartment hunting (although, to be fair, that’s because I know exactly what I want in a space and now I LOVE my apartment so it’s worth it imo)

BUT ANYWAY. The main reason I enjoy moving is just because I love exploring and experiencing new places. I love all of the little things, exploring the new coffee shop on the corner, becoming acquainted with new regional grocery stores (shoutout to sprouts), experiencing the culture and vibe of a new place, and maybe most importantly I loooooove running around a new place. I don’t think I would have even 50% of the understanding of the places I’ve lived if it weren’t for running. Even when I just visit a place for a day I find going for a run lets me know that place so much better, especially because if you’re running you’re generally gonna have to examine a map pretty intently if you’re somewhere new (at least I do)

I think in a lot of ways I grew to love moving because moving has just been necessary for the path I’ve taken over the past 5 years (since graduating high school). I spent my freshman year of college in the bronx, transferred to UNC sophomore year and had to move to Chapel Hill, moved to the OBX for a field site the fall of my junior year, back to C. Hill but a new apartment in the spring, Asheville the summer before senior year for a job, a new apartment in Chapel Hill in the fall for senior year, a new apartment in Chapel Hill the summer after graduation, to Berkeley with Jared fall 2019, a DIFFERENT Berkeley apartment spring 2020, and now to Eugene. And in between that I also had to lug all my crap to NJ and back a few times for a few weeks/months between different seasons of life. (Dang that’s a lot). 

I feel like college is going to be full of moving no matter what you do, granted I def moved more than the average person, but a lot of people move spaces year to year or at least the second half of your 4 years from on campus to off campus (generally speaking). 

Idk, I’ve never really thought too deeply about it. I have worked hard to become more minimalistic since going to college, largely because I move so much, and I really love it. Every time I would come back to NJ I would clean out huge chunks of my closet there thinking “if I didn’t need this shirt for the past 6 months I probably don’t need it.” Plus, if you move so often you don’t have much time to accumulate random things you don’t need, you constantly have to evaluate if something is worth the space in the car/the effort of carrying it with you.

This past move to OR was def the most intense because my family is selling my childhood home aka I had to bring EVERYTHING I might ever need (so like 15 journals and a whole bunch of books that I wouldn’t normally cart around). But it also felt SO satisfying that literally all of my worldly possessions fit in my car (granted, we have since bought furniture so uh not the case anymore but you know what I mean).

Also, although my moves to CA last fall and to OR this fall would seem more stressful since I had to cross the whole fricken country (and trust me when it came to actually finding a place to live, they were), they were actually easier in a lot of ways because I had help. Jared was with me in CA (since we were living together) and my mom drove out with me to OR and was a huuuuge help in unpacking, cleaning, shopping, etc. 99% of the time I moved in college I did it totally alone and it was fking exhausting and stressful. I had roommates which helped with the searching, but the physical packing and unpacking was all on me, so basically having help makes a huge difference in stress.

(Do y’all think I will ever answer an anon without typing a novel?)

Also! I am a very independent person in general and an only child and tbh I think that helps a lot with moving far from my family because 1. my family isn’t that big but 2. although I love them....we def have some rough times and I think I’d go crazy if I lived with them again so I most definitely do not mind having some space lol. 

ALSO I just realllllly love the west coast (and all the places I’ve lived tbh) which makes moving a lot easier. I’m always really excited for the places I’m moving too. It would probably be harder if I didn’t feel that way.

It’s funny because the other day I was actually thinking how it’s going to be super weird to eventually ~settle down~ somewhere. It’s nice to get to know a place, but it’s also sometimes nice to know that place isn’t forever 

:)

#answered

[parniarazi]

realignment + growth

I haven’t wrote here or in general much lately, as school and worked have picked up and kept me busy, even with doing it all from home! Pandemic aside, the world is moving quickly and it’s hard to keep up sometimes. Especially when big moments happen (like RBG passing), it can feel overwhelming and like nothing we can do matters. What helps me when I feel in over my head is just purging it all with a deep self-reflection that helps anchor me down to what I’m doing towards on a daily basis and how that’s working for me in the big picture. Going back through this blog, I briefly looked over what I wrote at the turn of the year, as 2020 was beginning. Even though things have felt very different and stagnant this year, I realized I’ve actually grown so much and come so far even in this short time!

A year ago right now, I was going through one of the most difficult times of my life, as major shifts were happening in all areas of my life. I had breezed through most of my undergrad, always feeling like school came rather easily to me and academia was an area I wanted to pursue because of this. I didn’t know what to do after graduation, reconciling between wanting to find a “good paying” job with my degree/interests, and wanting to do something that aligns with what I’m passionate about and can bring me a deeper sense of fulfillment. Since I was doing well in school and professors encouraged me when I told them I wanted to go to grad school‚ I figured pursing my PhD and becoming a professor was the way to go. I idolized my professors and loved my campus, so it wasn’t hard to envision myself doing this...at least until I actually started my grad program in political science. Last fall, I was failing and withdrew from a class for the first time, was concerned about having to pay back my scholarship for the semester, and had no idea what I would do if I left my program. I was desperately searching for a way out because I knew I could not thrive (or even survive) in the environment of my grad department— it was revealing some ugly realities and turned out be the opposite of everything I wanted in a career!

Fortunately, being on campus, I was able to talk to other people and departments and eventually found my home in the Communications grad program. I had a cross-listed class, and the Comm students were friendly and inviting, so I began talking to them and found out more about their program. They still seemed to have a soul unlike my own peers— so that was already a good sign! I definitely wanted to keep my soul and work in a field that would respect and pay me for my work. Keep in mind, while all this school/career crisis of wondering what I should do with my life was happening, it was also my first few months being moved out my parents house and living with my boyfriend for the first time. I was missing my family constantly, and adjusting to my new home/life while struggling with horrible anxiety that weighed me down like bricks on my chest. 

It got to be too much sometimes— especially because on top of that, my income was tied to my school because I had just started as a graduate assistant in an office on campus. This was also my first real “job,” outside of what I considered to be my “fun college job” teaching swim lessons. Not only did school suck at this time for me, but I also hated this job and the people in my office. It worsened my anxiety, and I ended up going to the school clinic and getting a formal diagnosis (and medication) for anxiety for the first time in my life, even though I’ve dealt with it for as long as I can remember. This was a big step and turning point, because I refused to compromise my mental health and wellbeing for anything. A career that comes at such a cost is not for me— having balance and self-care are far too important to me. 

While all of this was happening, I kept pushing my political science advisors to help me and connected with the Communications department about getting into their program instead. I had to advocate for myself harder than ever and push other people to help me, but in the end it was worth it! I finished the semester with the 2 courses I kept, managed to keep getting paid even though my position required full-time enrollment, and I ended up getting accepted into the Comm program by transferring instead of having to wait until the next fall to reapply. With my anxiety, and just being a more a shy/introverted person who was so scared I’d hardly ever speak up in class, I had to find my voice, create my own boundaries, and talk to adults I felt really uncomfortable talking to at first. Big lesson: you have to advocate and speak up for yourself until people see and hear you! It is always worth it, regardless of if you get what you want or not.

I started off the spring in my new program and settled in so much better from the start! I also kept my campus job I hated, but was searching desperately for internships and opportunities to get some actual Comm experience under my belt, as I was entering a new field I had zero experience in. I applied for everything I could and I got a little side gig working as a part-time student organizer for an intersectional feminist non-profit based out of Austin. I was super stoked to just get to do something I’m passionate about and get paid for it, even it was small. Little did I know, this would lead me to big things! Even with the pandemic hitting in the spring, I managed to finish my courses with A’s, work from home with my campus job (no more depressing office vibes!), and apply for dozens of internships. I ended up getting two remote internships over the summer that paid me— one with the same non-profit I was working with as a Digital Intern and another similar position with a different non-profit. I was finally gaining some of the experience and skills I really needed to start a career in this field. Even though the non-profit route was not what I had in mind, I loved my internships and the teams I worked with, and it was so rewarding. 

It wasn’t easy working long hours from my laptop on my dining table, but it did have its own perks. No bras or dress pants or waking up early to get ready and drive in traffic— it’s a hell yes from your fave introvert! Another pandemic-inspired moment was finally getting a dog! Even through this seems irrelevant it actually was really in perfect alignment with what I wanted and timing. I’ve wanted a dog for as long as I can remember, I’ve always loved animals and with my anxiety it was something I hoped would help at least a little bit. My parents never wanted us to have a dog and I grew up with them telling me it was a huge responsibility so even after I moved out I hesitated and wanted to give myself time to adjust and make money before taking on that responsibility. This summer, I started pushing my boyfriend to look into fostering programs to help me adjust to having a dog at home, and we did but had no luck. One day, I saw a friend posting about a lost dog they found who needed a home. She was cute and I wanted to go see her just to scope it out, and of course the universe brought the most perfect little dog into my life at the most perfect time!

I was just finishing up my internship and had a few weeks of down time before the semester started, so it was the perfect time to adjust to having my new dog, Sage, around. Since then, we’ve bonded so much and I love just having another little creature around the house! She really does bring warmth and light into my life. She pushes me to get outside more even when I feel shitty, she makes me have a more consistent routine, and just helps alleviate my stress while connecting me with my inner child and inner caretaker at the same time. During the latter half of this quarantine, my boyfriend and I also had our share of struggles and fights we had to work through. Like anything worth having, it took effort to work through some rough patches, but at the end of the day I believe in the power of love and its ability to persevere and heal, even in the most difficult times. Not to mention, having our little Sage around even helped us through it! This taught me to trust that the right things will happen in the right timing, and the right people will make an effort to stick it out with you. 

I was incredible lucky and blessed that several things I was manifesting and working hard towards happened in perfect alignment. First, I got a scholarship from my grad school that allowed me go back full-time and only have to pay half of my tuition (big plus since I was paying this myself). Secondly, one of the ladies I had worked with during my Digital internship found another position and was leaving the non-profit I had worked with, and she recommended me for a part-time version of her position. They extended me this offer shortly before my semester started for school. I planned to keep my campus job, since it was staying remote too, and I wanted to stack up some savings after the COVID-life lessons I’d been learning. I knew it was going to be a challenge to maintain the personal/self-care balance I need in life with my now full-time class load and 2 part-time jobs. However, I felt so fortunate to have these opportunities while so many people across the country are struggling to keep normalcy going or even stay afloat during this time. Especially not being able to travel, go out much, or do other things, I figured what better time than now to just buckle down to work hard and make major moves towards what I want. 

The universe is blessing me with this alignment and opportunity right now— it’s giving me everything I worked for in this past year. Especially with my new job at the non-profit, the team is incredibly kind but also puts serious support behind their staff. They’re paying me pretty well, but also want to transition me to a full-time staff member at their Austin office after I graduate! They’re mentoring me and teaching me so much, plus I’m getting to know a network of professionals who work in organizing, advocacy, and other important work that directly helps people! Like I literally could not have asked for anything better and more me! Life lesson: It’s worth struggling for a bit and diving into the unknown as long as you feel like it’s the right thing to do for you. 

My parents had wanted me to stay in the PhD program. I knew in my gut and heart that it wasn’t going to work for me though, so I split the second I could. I trusted myself, advocated for myself, and worked through the scary uncertainties about if I would ever find a job I liked and that paid me well. I knew changing career paths would give me a chance to open myself up to new things that align better with who I am and what I desire in life and work. Here I am a year later, and I wouldn’t have gotten any of these amazing opportunities if I hadn’t trusted myself and worked hard to forge my path. Although this year turned out to be nothing like what any of us had planned, I’m so privileged and lucky that it turned out to be a year of incredible milestones and growth for me nonetheless! 

Today, with this new moon energy and the powerful seasonal shift of fall on the verge of unfolding, I felt the need to make these reflections as a reminder to myself that hard work pays off. Doing what’s right pays off. Doing work that matters really fucking pays off. Fall is a special season that allows us to harvest the seeds we’ve sown all year. It’s cheesy, but I’m a sucker for being in tune with nature and the seasons, trusting each season will bring its own negatives and positives that foster growth or death in the right places, restoring a greater balance in the ways that we need. 

With each season, I am growing into a stronger, wiser, more beautiful version of myself. I am deeply grateful for everything, both the good and bad in my life, because every detail is a puzzle piece that allows for the big picture of my path and place in the world to unfold. I’ve also been fostering patience and maturity, as I navigate this pandemic world and knowing (unlike many other people my age) that as much as I miss the “normal world” too, it’s not worth risking my own health or the health of anyone else to have “fun.” I can reinvent the ways in which I bring joy and fun into my life, while staying safe and trusting that those moments and activities will make their way back in my life eventually as things get better. It’s all temporary. 

I am unshakable in my roots and focused on what is important. My vibe is so strong and beautiful, it’s no surprise that I’m not for everyone! Of course, there are areas like friendships and my social life that I’ve put on the back burner for now, but I know as I’m working on myself and just being authentic in putting myself out there, the right people will make their way into my life at the right time! Growing up is strange anytime but especially in this moment, and in some ways I’ve grown apart from who I thought I was, but I also feel more connected to myself than ever. I am healing each day with the light and love in my life— I don’t need anyone’s approval and have nothing to prove to anyone but myself! 

My value and my place in the world doesn’t require anyone’s approval and is not tied to down to any single thing. It comes through in the love I give and receive, it comes through in the way my soul feels when I wake up, it comes through in the literal beauty I get to experience in the world. I went through a negative slump in the late summer and my anxiety was majorly triggered these past several weeks as I re-adjusted to full-time school and my work. This new moon has brought great clarity, a sense of deeper renewal, and turning a new leaf as I return home to myself. To my positive outlook and perseverance that has brought me to this point. Life is nothing without the little moments of joy and love— again, just let me corny and say that aligning back to being present and enjoying those little things is really all that matters. 

My past self would be so proud of me and where I am today. I worked for and earned every beautiful moment that comes my way, and I intend on giving that back to others. Every ray of light that enters me, every penny of abundance I receive, I intend on reflecting right back, because nothing is meant to just be absorbed. It’s nothing unless it’s reflected back into the world in meaningful ways, whether those are tangible or not. I trust that I am making my mark by simply being me and being that reflection. This is how history changes course, and patterns are broken with new ones created. I’ll end with a few manifestations and mantras for this fall-winter season we’re entering!

M A N I F E S T A T I O N S

☽ The people will win, because our power truly is greater than that of those in power. We all deserve better, and so many people are putting in tireless work to make that better world a reality. Thing may not be perfect, now or ever, but making progress and supporting those who need it the most is always a win and it is coming our way because there is a shift happening that the world will have to keep up with.

☽ I will reconnect with my more creative side, allowing my potential to shine through even more. Whether it’s for work or for my own hobbies, I will continue finding outlets for myself to create things that feel authentic and important to who I am, but to also fill in gaps where I feel like others need it. 

☽ I will stay rooted and grounded in my spiritual practices, even when they’re the easiest things to give up when life gets busy, that just means they’re even more necessary to stay connected with! I will make time for journaling, playing, meditating, yoga, cooking, and other activities that bring me in tune with my natural state as a human. 

☽ I will connect and find community. Through being my most authentic self and working through my scars, my negative patterns, and my own blocks, I will find a sense of community with others and find people on my same wavelength who I can connect with. No expectations in mind or idealized version of friendship in mind, just pure desire to connect with others and mutually contribute to each others’ lives in positive ways

☽ Love will persevere and heal as its meant to, in both my relationship and family. Everything will be okay and work out just fine, if not better, than I expect. Pavel and I will be okay and keep growing together, and my family will be okay in staying healthy and strong through this time as something better arises for my dad’s work situation. 

M A N T R A S

☽ I am focused on what matters right now.

☽ I am strong, powerful, and capable of doing what I set my mind to. 

☽ I have a kind and beautiful energy that anyone would be lucky to have.

☽ I can find presence and joy in the little moments.

☽ I can find patience and trust that everything will happen as its meant to. 

#reflection #2020 life #words #personal #new moon

[missmentelle]

I feel really stuck. I'm trying to move fowards but something always comes up. I still live with my family and I have no privacy and have to explain where I’m going and what I'm doing all the time. I really want to get back at uni and I’m trying but that means no time to get a job and won’t be able to move. I can’t stand the city anymore, i can’t stand being so useless. I feel like I haven’t lived at all, i’ve never been in a relationship, haven’t travelled, how do i take control of my life?

It’s tough to make a step-by-step guide or action plan for getting your life together when I don’t really have a ton of information about your goals or financial situation, but I will give it my best shot:

Go easy on yourself. While there are some people out there in this world who manage to be world-travelling Instagram stars, planning their dream weddings and moving up in their glamorous careers at age 25, those people are very few and far between. Many of them come from incredibly privileged backgrounds or have the types of parental support that most of us can only dream of. Being unworldly, directionless and living at home with your parents is the normal 20-something experience. What you’re going through is common. You feel like you haven’t lived yet because your life has barely begun; you haven’t fallen behind, you and your peers are still on the starting line. You have a lot of time ahead of you, and it’s important to be kind to yourself, and to be realistic about the progress you’ll make. You aren’t going to go from being broke in your childhood bedroom to being a high-flying career person with a spouse and a ritzy apartment overnight. Be gentle, and don’t beat yourself up for being young and inexperienced - you have a long journey ahead of you, and you’ll need to save your emotional strength to make it through.

Focus on finishing university. At this point in your life, I think your top priority needs to be finishing your degree as quickly as possible, even if it requires some short term sacrifices. I know that your living situation is irritating and that you are tired of not having privacy, but if you can tolerate your parents and your city for a little while longer and keep going to school while living at home, you’re potentially setting yourself up for a huge advantage in life by completing your degree with minimal debt. The problem with putting off university to get a job and move out is that once you’ve taken on financial responsibilities like rent and bills, it will be a lot more difficult to find the time, resources and motivation to go back to being a student, and your options will be limited for moving into a higher paying job. It’s very easy to get yourself stuck in a vicious cycle of living paycheque-to-paycheque in a low wage job, and not being able to improve your situation because you can’t afford to quit your job and go back to school - my high school friends are in their mid-to-late 20s now, and many of them are now stuck in retail or service industry jobs because it’s difficult for them to give up their source of income and return to school, especially now that some of them have kids or partners. A degree is not a guarantee of a good job, but it’s certainly a mandatory minimum requirement for most opportunities now, and it opens up possibilities like grad school or law school; the sooner you get it out of the way, the sooner you can start building a career, gaining independence and saving up money for travel. University is also a valuable social resource - by getting involved on campus, you can start making meaningful friendships, meeting potential partners, and building useful connections. 

Try new things. One of the keys to living an interesting life and gaining valuable experiences is to actively try new things. It’s hard to gain life experiences by doing the same things over and over again. Challenge yourself to do at least one new thing per month. You don’t necessarily have to like it - you just have to try it. Sign up to volunteer somewhere new. Take a zumba class. Sign up for a new dating app. Write a short story. Change your hair. Start a blog. Go to a restaurant you’ve never been to. Join a local D&D group. You might be surprised by what you end up liking. I ended up in my current career because I took a psych elective to fulfill the social science requirement of my computer science program - sometimes trying something new can lead you down a whole new path you never imagined. It’s also a great way to meet new people that you might never otherwise have met.  If you’re feeling like your life is in a rut, new experiences are a great and easy way to un-rut yourself. 

Have side projects and goals. It’s easy to feel like your life isn’t going anywhere when you don’t have any way to measure your progress. Even while you’re stuck living at your parents’ house, there are ways to keep moving forward with your life. Always have a project or hobby or goal in your life that you can work on. The possibilities are pretty much endless - you could work on your physical fitness, an artistic project, knitting, improving your cooking, journalling, photography, restoring furniture, learning a language, playing an instrument, etc. Anything that captures your attention. Set small, manageable goals and track your progress. Feeling like you are improving in one area of your life can go a long way to calming your jitters when you are feeling stuck in other areas of your life. 

Don’t rush into a relationship or “settle”. It’s hard to predict where or when you’ll get into your first relationship - you might meet your first partner next week or five years from now. Some people meet the love of their life on Tinder within weeks of signing up, some people use dating apps for months without success. All you can really do is put yourself out there, keep working on yourself as a person, and see what happens. The one thing I will advise, though, is that you be cautious of settling for the first person who comes along. If you’ve never been in a relationship and you really want to be in one, it can be tempting to rush headfirst into a relationship with the first promising person you meet - especially if you’ve had to watch your other friends be in long-term relationships for a while now. If you meet someone who seems great, it can be easy to get very serious, very fast, and rush straight to “let’s move in together”, especially when you are already looking for a way to get out of your family’s house. Don’t rush. It’s okay to be disappointed that you haven’t had a relationship yet, but remember that a relationship should be something you get into because you truly want to be with the other person, and not just because you want to check “dating” off your list of adult milestones. If you meet someone, that’s fantastic, but remember that it’s okay to take things slow - if this is really the person for you, they will still be there six months or a year or two years from now. Getting too serious with someone too quickly can mean missing some glaring red flags, and tying yourself financially to someone you haven’t been dating very long can be a recipe for unwanted stress.

Remember that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s easy to blame your problems on the city you live in. The world is full of people saying that everything would be better if they could just get out of this town. Thousands of people dream about moving to NYC, and there are thousands of people walking around NYC who dream of getting the fuck out of here. No matter where you live, there is someone who dreams of moving there, and no matter where you want to go, there is someone there who is desperate to leave. No place is perfect - every place has its perks and its downsides (for instance, NYC has lots of things to do, but every square inch of this place smells like stale urine and hot dog water). Unless you are making a drastic change in setting - like from rural to urban, or from one country to another - you’re going to find that most places have very similar problems; high rents, rising cost of living, too much competition for jobs, bad dating scenes, overcrowded public transit, crumbling infrastructure, etc, etc. There might be legitimate reasons to want to leave your current location - you live in a dying small town, the climate where you live is affecting your health, you want to work in an industry that only exists in a specific location - but it’s important to keep in mind that location isn’t everything, and you can still make progress in your life while living somewhere that you don’t necessarily love or want to stay in. 

I can relate a lot to what you’re going through - while most of my friends moved out on their own right after high school and started what I thought were glamorous adult lives, I lived at home with my incredibly overbearing parents for four years and took the bus back and forth to a sensible, commuter campus university in a city that I didn’t like. I had friends and I did my best to make the most of my time in college, but part of me felt like I was being denied the formative experiences that other people were having - moving in with their partners, getting an off-campus apartment with roommates, partying all night and not having to answer to their parents, and so on. After graduating, though, I was able to find a full-time job in my field earning more than double the minimum wage, and I moved into an apartment with my best-friend-turned-boyfriend. The money I had saved by living at home during university allowed me to go after my dreams of attending grad school in NYC, and that decision led me to all kind of experiences I never expected to have and friends I never expected to meet. At 26, my life isn’t perfect, but it’s definitely well beyond what I expected when I was a frustrated 21-year-old commuting to school and having my mother constantly ask when I’d be home. Change takes time, and your 20s are tough. Have patience, and keep doing the best you can.

Best of luck to you!

[queerkwe]

“I still remember the knot in my stomach when I came out to my mom 6 years ago. At the time, I made a lot of assumptions about how she felt about me being queer. I had no idea that this moment of honesty would lead to a livelong friendship with my mother. Don't get me wrong, there was an adjustment period for both of us. It was a year or so before we could even talk about it aloud. Comfort zones were tested the first time I brought a girlfriend home from college. But through this uncomfortable transition, blossomed an honest, open, and downright wholesome relationship between my mom and I. She has taught me what it means to be an Anishinaabe woman and I take those teachings with me as I figure out what this #TwoSpirit identity means to me. Her wisdom, power, and artistry continue to inspire me to do better, to be better 

With all of this being said, I am happy to announce that my mom, Vicki Lynn, is my first artist collaboration!! We've been making artwork together all summer long and it has been an amazing experience. We push each other's artistic and competitive sides every day. 18 year old me could have never imagined my mom and I working together to create LGBTQ and Two Spirit pride artwork. She has made a traditional, hand-woven 50 inch pride belt ($95) and two beautiful cedar rimmed pride dream catchers ($35/$45). Message me if you are interested in any of the items.”

YALLLL I’m sharing this post from my beadwork shop page (facebook: queerkwedesigns) on tumblr because I never thought this day would be here and I need to talk about it. I wanted to keep my business post short but I know y’all live for this gay shit. 

First let me explain something about my mom and I. We didn’t have a close relationship growing up. There weren’t as many hugs or “I love you”s or comforting touches as I would have liked, but now I realize she was doing the best she knew how. You see, my nokomis (grandmother) was in a Native boarding school and she saw a lot of abuse and neglect as a kiddo at the Holy Childhood School of Jesus (ironic, right?). My mom was conceived when my white, alcoholic grandfather wanted to piss off his religious parents by fucking around with dirty little Indian girls. It was a truly fitting 1950′s love story. My mom was the oldest of 4 and she helped raise my aunts and uncle when my grandpa split. My nokomis was such a strong, beautiful Anishinaabekwe who ended up being a tribal judge in her final years, but in many ways she was emotionally absent because of her childhood traumas. She did what she knew how, which was to keep them fed, clothed, and get them through high school graduation. Despite all of her hardships, she was able to do that-which is amazing! Then it was my mom’s turn to be a parent and she tried her hardest to break some of cycles and combat that historical trauma ingrained within us. She fed us, clothed us, and got us through high school. She even hugged us a little more, learned how to say “I love you”, and tried to be there in the ways she knew how. 

I can talk about all of this now, but I didn’t understand it as a poor, closeted gay kid who grew up in a town of 700 people and wanted nothing more than to get out and never look back. It wasn’t until I went away to college and learned about boarding schools, historical trauma, and understood the ways that structural inequalities shaped the lives of those in my family and community. Instead of being upset with my mom for the lack of support, I grew proud of the woman she became despite everything thrown her way. It’s been a rough path to this point though. She was the last person in my immediate family that I came out to because I was terrified of being rejected and losing her. It wasn’t ideal and there was definitely an adjustment period for both of us, but it ultimately forced us to talk about emotions in a way that we had never been able to before. 

Flash forward to this summer, where we have been creating together and helping each other grow emotionally, spiritually, and artistically. I’ve been helping her see herself as the strong, amazing lady she is and she’s been helping me stay grounded and remember where I come from- a long line of bad ass, indigenous kwe who get shit done. I’m planning on applying to grad schools in the fall and I’m not sure where I’ll end up, so this time with her and my family has been so important. This is the longest amount of time I have been home since I left for college after high school. This place used to bring me back to that closeted, emotionally blocked, self hating baby gay, but now fills me with warmth in a way I never expected. I had to leave to understand myself. I had to go and be around the queer community to witness that being an openly LGBTQ individual was really an option. Now that I have, I need to return and feed my indigenous spirit. In one way, things are coming full circle as I embrace this two spirit identity which incorporates both my queerness and my culture. In another way, I’m feeling more lost than ever as I try to understand what it means to be a two spirit person in this society. Having my mom by my side for support and guidance along the way is an amazing feeling. I can’t wait to see how relationship grow and strengthen.

Thanks for reading! Like/Reblog so hopefully some other LGBTQ Natives get ahold of this story and know that things do get better. There are ways to bring your identities together. It’s by no means easy, but it beats having them conflict for attention and emotional energy. Our ancestors would have embraced you into their arms and hopefully one day our communities will remember our traditional ways of acceptance. In the mean time, you are valid, you are loved, and you are so fucking important.

Message me if you’re interested in any of the beadwork/ dreamcatchers/ belts shown. Prices and more beadwork can be found at my facebook shop @queerkwedesigns. If you don’t have access to facebook, message me on here. Follow me on Instagram @queerkwe. My beadwork is for everyone, all I ask is that you’re an ally to queer and indigenous folx. If you want to/are able to donate to me, project supplies, or sponsor a two spirit/ lgbtq indigenous person who otherwise could not afford this pride jewelry here are my online accounts. Message me about collaborations/questions/comments! Email- [email protected]

Paypal: paypal.me/reblynn

Venmo: @rebecca-lynn 

CashApp: $reblynn

#two spirit #lgbt #twospiritpride #Anishinaabe #nativebeadwork #pride jewelry #earrings #ndn #ndn tumblr #indigenous #supportindigenousartists #personal #wholesome #lgbtfamily #lgbtpride #boost #dreamcatcher #indigenousmade #wovenbelt

[goodnightkisseu]

Ong Seongwu - Us (Now)

Genre: Fluff

Parts: [Part 1] [Part 2]

Note: So I wrote a piece called Us (Then) for Seongwu’s birthday a few weeks ago, and here is the follow up piece called Us (Now)! I really wanted to write these as parts because I like the idea of showing how a relationship can change over time, and Seongwu’s two fancafe pictures really gave me the feeling of different times in a relationship. I hope that you all like it. It’s a subtler piece than some of my others, I think. >< 

Also I’ve been working on drafting up some of the requests and continuing to draft others, so hopefully some of those will be up soon! Please look forward to them!

Please enjoy and feel free to let me know what you think! ^^

[ Masterlist ] [ Upcoming Stories ] 

- goodnightkisseu’s admin <3

Chatter could be heard from all corners of the small little restaurant, where business had picked up as the night went on. Conversations were bouncing off of the low ceilings and filling the air with a plethora of different topics, entertaining both fellow patrons and the restaurant staff. Some talked about their days with their friends or family. Co-workers talked about their current projects and plans for the upcoming deadlines. Parents tried to calm down their mischievous young children whom had taken to playing with the metal utensils. A group of boisterous college boys in one of the far corners cheered loudly as they watched a pro-gaming tournament. There was noise and activity at every single table… except for one, located by the window, toward the back of the establishment.

You sat quietly at your table with Seongwu. The two of you were busy doing your own things, each of you on your phones. You didn’t say much to each other, but would acknowledge each other with short answers or a hum in recognition whenever a question was asked. To outsiders, it probably looked like that two of you were in the midst of an argument, someone having said something to the other that caused this silent battle of wits. Yet, it was quite the opposite. The two of you weren’t fighting at all.

If anyone had seen the two of you just an hour and a half before, they would have seen you both happily talking about your days. If they eavesdropped they would have heard you telling Seongwu about one of your cousins getting into grad school, about how it was a pretty big deal for the whole family. They would have heard Seongwu talking about how one of his close friends was back on the market after a terrible breakup and asking you if you knew anyone that he could set him up with. You conversation naturally died down as food arrived and now the two of you found yourselves on your phones. Seongwu was just surfing around and you were entranced by one of your mobile games. This was just how your relationship had developed. You weren’t ignoring each other. Rather, you were both just comfortable like this sometimes.

The two of you had been together for three years now, after all.

At the start of your relationship, things were definitely more exciting. It was about all of the places that the two of you went together, the sites that you saw together. It was about going out and doing things together. Vacationing to other areas or countries was a really big deal for you both. And even on a casual date night, it was about going out, maybe to a restaurant that just opened, or to an area you had never explored. It was all about experiencing exciting things with Seongwu, so the two of you made a big deal out of every little thing. This was normal early in any relationship.

Yet over time, this changed. The two of you didn’t really have the urge to go and do new and exciting things all of the time. There were more date nights at home, just resting with each other, talking about your days. And before long, you had both settled into a routine, where you’d go out on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and just for a change of pace, would alternate to the weekends depending on what events caught your eyes. Though, you were both more prone to staying indoors, just… enjoying each other’s company. You could both be doing your own thing, but just being in the same vicinity was enough. Words didn’t have to be exchanged. They weren’t important. Closeness was important now. You liked this about your relationship with Seongwu. You both didn’t have to keep operating at a high energy of eighty-five. You could have a mellow Wednesday night at an energy level of ten, and that was good after a busy day.

All this being said, it wasn’t exactly an easy path to get here. The two of you didn’t just magically transition into this comfortable stage in your relationship. There had definitely been disagreements, arguments, and oftentimes they were pretty bad. There were at least two instances where you were sure that the two of you probably would have broken up. But, with time and a lot of compromise, you managed to work through it. And that was what relationships were really about right? Learning to talk things out, to compromise, and to both love each other enough to work things out.

You appreciated where you were with Seongwu now. Just, being with him was enough.

You had been so entranced by your mobile game that you almost didn’t feel the foot gently nudging your leg. At first you thought that Seongwu was just shifting in his seat and had accidentally bumped into you, but when he did it again, you looked up, eyes making contact with the phone that Seongwu had been holding up, still obscuring his face from you. Just a couple of years ago, this type of thing would have drove you insane. You wouldn’t have liked it if Seongwu were on his phone when he was with you, wanting all of his attention. You would pout and do anything to pull his attention away from the electronic device. How things had changed…

A warm smile graced your lips and you could see him smiling around the edges of the phone, a soft clicking noise signaling to you that Seongwu had taken a picture. As with most couples, the two of you had taken on some of each other’s habits, Seongwu having completely taken on your propensity for candid photos. The last time he showed you his phone, it was flooded of candid shots of you. But yours was the same.

“Getting antsy?” you asked as you felt him gently nudge your leg again. “It has been a while since we’ve moved around…”

“Yeah, I think I need to get up and stretch my legs. Should we head out?” he suggested, getting a nod from you as you both moved to stand from the table. You gathered your things while Seongwu went to pay for your meal. Within seconds you were by his side again, making your way out of the restaurant, Seongwu taking the opportunity to slide his arm around your waist. On other days you might have played hard to get, just to have a little fun, slipping out of his hold. But, not today. You wanted to preserve the mellow mood of the night. You allowed him to pull you close as the two of you made your way down the familiar street.

“So,” he started, but you cut him off before he could continue. You knew exactly what he was going to suggest. It was Wednesday night after all.

“Bubble tea?” you said more than asked, making him smile and chuckle a little.

“My babe knows me so well. I don’t know why I bother asking anymore…” he replied, giving you a kiss on the side of you head.

“It’s our usual Wednesday night, right? It wouldn’t be the same without the bubble tea,” you said with a light giggle, Seongwu pulling you even closer to him. You didn’t say it, but the pair of you were already walking in that direction to begin with. Whether he had done it out of habit or on purpose, you couldn’t say. It could have been either with Seongwu. “Though, I’m not letting you choose my drink this time.”

Seongwu quirked his brow at you, seemingly unaware of what had happened last time. He knew full well, but he was still going to feign ignorance about it. “What, didn’t like what I got you last time?” he inquired.

You made a face up at him, hearing him chuckle in that ridiculously attractive tone that still made your heart do flips. “I don’t know if you were just throwing everything in there or if Sungwoon was messing with me, but never again,” you warned, Seongwu placing a kiss on the side of your head like he always did, letting you know that he understood.

“Okay, okay, you can get what you want,” he told you. “And for the record, it was probably Sungwoon-hyung’s fault.”

A giggle left your lips, but you didn’t comment further, wanting to forget about that horrible experience as the pair of you headed to your favorite bubble tea spot…

========

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t my two favorite people! You’re both like clockwork, you know that, right?” the male behind the counter said, welcoming you both as you entered his little shop. “So, your usual orders today? Or do you, perhaps, want that special from last time?”

“Never again, Sungwoon,” you said, your tone firm, making Seongwu chuckle at your side.

“What, was it that bad? I thought it was going to be pretty good…” Sungwoon said, a small pout forming on his lips trying to stifle his laughter.

“I don’t even know what that was, but it should never be a thing again,” you warned, watching as Sungwoon finally conceded.

“Fine, fine, fine, but I expect extra tip today,” he fired back, making Seongwu scoff.

“For what?”

“For being such a good friend and making you guys such wonderful drinks. I deserve a little extra,” he reasoned.

“Not as owner you don’t.”

“And what does that mean?”

“I think Seongwu is hinting at the fact that you own the place so… you get most of the profits anyway,” you reasoned, earning you another kiss on the side of your head. It used to shock you with how open Seongwu was with his affection for you, but you had gotten used to it over time.

“I swear, what kind of friend are you, Seongwu? How could you think such a thing of me?” Sungwoon said, pretending to be hurt by his comment. “Such a cruel and heartless friend. It’s a miracle that you’re dating such a wonderful girl. Like, what do you even see in this dummy, anyway? You’re too much of an angel for him.”

You looked from Sungwoon over to your boyfriend, who looked like he was about ready to pummel his close friend for saying such things, but as soon as his eyes looked with yours, his expression softened. Seongwu always looked at you with the softest eyes. It always made you feel so warm.

Honestly, Sungwoon’s question was a hard one to answer. When you had first started dating Seongwu, you immediately made a mental list of all of the things you liked about him. It was a list that you would often rattle off to some of your friends that asked you about your boyfriend. You’d talk about how funny he was, how talkative and attentive he was, or just overall how kind he was. And though this list of things still held true after all of this time, you wouldn’t say that this list was the sole reason you stuck with Seongwu. There was more to it than that, things that you couldn’t put into words. You could never explain why just seeing him would instantly make you feel better. You couldn’t explain why, when he held you, you just felt so safe and secure. You couldn’t explain why the smallest action would often make your heart beat loudly in your chest. You just… you just loved him. You loved Seongwu in his entirety. The good and the bad.

It wasn’t about a certain trait or his physicality. It was just… Seongwu.

“I mean, I could give you that laundry list that every girl puts together when she gushes about her boyfriend… but it wouldn’t be entirely true,” you replied, watching as Seongwu’s eyes wavered slightly, as if he were saddened by your answer. “I honestly just… like Seongwu. That’s all I can say… and that’s why we’re together.” You watched Seongwu’s reaction, and you couldn’t tell if it was because you had been with him for so long, but it was almost as if you could see the relief washing over him, hearing you say something so sweet.

“Well, then Seongwu is a very lucky guy. Because, let’s be honest, any other girl would have dumped him by now… except for you. Such an angel,” Sungwoon said, pretending to whisper it to you, yet saying it loud enough to get a rolled up napkin thrown at him, courtesy of your boyfriend.

A giggle left your lips at their exchanged, and the two of you were eventually shooed away from the cash register by Sungwoon when another group of customers came in. Within only a few minutes your orders were done and you quickly paid, thanking Sungwoon as he and Seongwu shared some parting words about meeting up with some of the other guys on Sunday. As you left the bubble tea shop with drinks in hand, you couldn’t help but feel like it had gotten colder since you had arrived. Seongwu must have sensed it because he took off his jacket and gently draped it over your shoulders.

“I guess I’ll walk you home now? You have meetings tomorrow morning right? It’s getting pretty late…” he told you gently as he sipped away at his taro milk tea.

You hummed gently in agreement before sipping at your own drink. “You work tomorrow too, right?”

“I do, but I get Friday off this week since the leads will be sprint planning all day and our big milestone is tomorrow,” he explained, his free hand finding its way around your waist again. He liked having you close.

“Then… maybe you could stay over tonight?” you asked. “I did the laundry the other day, so you should have some clean clothes for the morning. I’m… I’m just not ready for you to leave my side yet…” you admitted. You used to have a hard time saying things like this, but now the words flowed naturally. It was easy though, mostly when you felt the way you did about Seongwu. You knew that he wouldn’t judge you for them.

A smile formed on his lips at your words, as if he were hoping that you would say them. “Alright. Anything for my girl…” he said gently, this time, leaning down to grace you with a kiss on the lips before the pair of you headed to your apartment…

#wanna one #ong seongwu #ong seongwoo #wanna one imagines #wanna one scenarios #kpop scenarios

[dancerstudying]

first semester: grades + some thoughts

hi friends! so, I just finished my first semester of college (aka university to those of you not in the US). after a week of finals and lots of stress, I’m now at home, safely ensconced in the couch doing as little as possible. however, final grades were due today, so I thought I’d take a moment to run through what my grades were and kind of reflect on them. I wanted to do this both bc I thought it could give people a better idea of the transition b/t high school and college grades-wise, and also as a record for myself.

a note/disclaimer:

if you don’t want to know what my grades were, you don’t have to read this! I’m not trying to brag and I don’t want this to be something to compare yourself to! everyone is on their own path and has their own definition of success -- a bad grade for me might be a great one for you, and vise versa.

also, this will probably get pretty long. grab a snack.

some background about grades in the US

grades are given on a scale from A to F, with A being the best and F being a fail (we skip E tho idk why). grades are based on a combo of exams, quizzes, assignments, and essays, with the specific percentage/which of these counts determined by the professor. this varies from school to school or even from class to class but generally the scale is

A: >93.3%

A-: 90-93.3%

B+: 86.7-89.9%

B: 83.4-86.6%

B-: 80-83.3%

ok I’m tired of typing things out but you get the point. this pattern continues in the 70s for C and the 60s for D. usually anything below a 60 is an F (fail) but again this can depend. some classes are graded on a curve, where the grade boundaries are moved either up or down so that the majority of students get a B-/C+, which is supposed to be the average. this prevents grade inflation and also helps you out if the class is very difficult and test averages are in the 50s or 60s (pretty common for classes like organic chemistry).

some background about my grades in high school

I feel like this info is important for context and also to give an idea of the academic level I generally operate at (okay that sounds v pretentious). anyway, it’s pretty generally expected that you can expect to see a drop in your grades from high school to college. this differs based on a ton of things, but almost everyone experiences it so it’s totally normal and to be expected! anyway, I went to a fairly competitive and well-ranked public (government funded) high school, and I grew up in a well-educated university town, so I felt I was pretty prepared for college. I took mostly AP/honors courses and ended with a 3.95 GPA (unweighted) when I graduated. basically, I was almost a straight A student with a few Bs in there (thanks to pre-calc and AP Spanish). 

I’m now at a fairly selective school, though not anything close to the Ivy League -- I think the acceptance rate for my class was 17-18%. of course, selectivity is not a great indicator of how difficult classes are, as many selective schools (particularly Ivy Leagues) have rampant grade inflation.

my majors are neuroscience and dance and I’m on a pre-med track.

anyway, let’s get down to the nitty gritty: my grades this semester.

early modern England (3 credit hours): A- 

I took this course because I placed out of introductory writing but still needed a writing-intensive course and it seemed interesting enough. honestly, it was much more difficult than I expected. I consider myself a fairly good writer, but the professor I had for this course was a tough grader for papers. I did manage to get an A on my final paper which was a victory. after easily getting all As in writing and history classes in high school, an A- is a little hard to accept. however, I worked really hard in this class and am honestly satisfied with my grade as I know most people do not do as well in this class. it was also a 2000 (sophomore level) class, so I was definitely being challenged.

intensive ballet IV (3 credit hours): B+

so, this is my lowest grade. at first, I was really disappointed by it, but it is a 4000 level course (mostly juniors and seniors) and we’re graded based partially on skill, so I have to accept it and move on and just hope to do better next semester as I’m taking ballet IV again. I know I could have worked harder in this class so I’m not going to complain about it, just learn from it and try to improve.

intro to cell & molecular biology (3 credit hours): A

this is probably what I’m proudest of. this class is known for being a true weed-out course for pre-meds and most people just hope to pass, but I got an A! it feels especially good because I know I worked hard for it and didn’t just skate by on natural intelligence. I also hadn’t taken biology since freshman year of high school so there was a steep learning curve. I didn’t just do well, I honestly learned so much and doing well in this class confirmed for me that pre-med is the right choice.

general chemistry I - lecture (3 credit hours): A-

I have such a complicated relationship with chemistry, and honestly, I’m really glad I’m done with this class. I hate to blame professors but sometimes you just get a really bad one and this was one of those cases. his lectures were extremely disorganized and he didn’t explain things clearly at all. it’s partially my fault that I didn’t get an A, though, as I definitely could have put more time and thought into studying, especially for the final. it was just so hard to stay motivated when I could barely follow lectures. I have to take gen chem II next semester but thank god I have a different professor.

general chemistry I - lab (1 credit hour): A

not much to say about this one. I’m happy to have gotten an A since it really intimidated me at first -- lab in college is way more serious than in high school. I learned how to write a proper lab report which is an important skill as a science major.

honors colloquium (1.5 credit hours): A

I loved this class soooo freaking much. everyone in the honors program has to take a first year seminar and I chose one about modernism and if it’s still relevant to the contemporary world. it was also a discussion based class which I love and I got to write my final paper on literally any topic I wanted and how it was related to modernism (mine was about the modernist search for identity in The Handmaid’s Tale, and I’m so proud of that paper, especially considering I wrote it the day it was due). anyway, not a super hard class, but still proud of that A.

urban sociology (3 credit hours): A

another class which I loved. I found it kind of easy as it was mostly memorization of concepts and theorists and I have a good memory, but I did put more effort in than I would have to an “easy” class in high school, and was rewarded by getting 100% on the final! would highly recommend sociology to literally anyone -- I’m taking another sociology class next semester and am considering a minor in it.

dance company (1 credit hour): A

this is like, not a real grade because dance company isn’t even a real class -- it’s just on my schedule so I can get credit for performing in the fall dance show. I’m pretty sure everyone who shows up to rehearsals and performances gets an A. regardless, I’m happy for the boost to my GPA.

so that’s it! overall, I ended with a 3.7925 GPA. I have to confess that it is slightly lower than I would have liked, but I’m overall happy with my efforts considering this was my first semester of college. my class load next semester is a little bit lighter, both in terms of credits and in terms of difficulty of classes, so that will hopefully make things a little more manageable. I have to have a 3.6 by the end of this year and a 3.8 by the end of sophomore year to stay in the honors program, and considering I’m almost at a 3.8 now I think it’s completely doable. 

I hope this was useful to those of you who are starting college soon. obviously this differs from school to school and especially if you’re not in the US, but in general you can expect a slight dip in your grades. it shouldn’t be anything dramatic if you can keep organized and on top of things, but there are a lot of transitions associated with starting college so don’t feel badly if things don’t go according to plan! you have time to make up for it, and med schools/law schools/grad schools know that grades your first semester of freshman year are not necessarily fully reflective of your abilities and will likely pay more attention to your grades later on.

thanks for reading this whole rambling thing! also, I might make a separate post about differences in grades between high school and college (how things are weighted, harshness of grading, etc.) so let me know if you’d find that helpful!

#study #studyblr #studyspo #university #college #grades

[realrealguylin]

2020 Reflections/Updates

Missions

I did a one week mission trip to Jordan in the start of 2020. I’ve sent out a prayer update letter about that before, please let me know if you want to read it!

Work

Work has been a wild ride over the course of 2020.

After I returned from my Jordan missions trip in the first week of February, there was a flurry of things that happened, so I will try to recount them.

One of my coworkers/supervisors/friends had some tense moments with our director while I was on a trip. This director was actually a substitute director because our actual director was on another project. So she didn’t really have a working relationship with my friend.

Once I got back, the tense moments continued and there was a lot of misunderstandings or just blowing things out of proportion in peoples’ own minds.

This led to my friend resigning from the job. He was able to find work with his mom’s startup/research.

My friend had previously told his mom about working with me, what we do, and I guess this left a strong impression on her about my skills because she called me one time to ask if I wanted a position with her. This was very out of the blue because I wasn’t necessarily looking for another job, I felt comfortable where I was but after my friend left and I was left to work with our sub director, I also personally did not like the direction of the management.

I prayed about it and talked with some people and decided that taking this new position was an open door that God was giving to me.

Currently I work for a startup called Mood Lifters. https://moodlifters.com/ You can read more about it, but we like to call it “Weight Watchers for mental health.” My boss, who is my friend’s mom, is also a professor at UM and developed this program as part of her research. My salary is funded by grants from the UM, actually, as this startup is in partnership with UM for research purposes (so I get health benefits, which I didn’t at my old job).

What I do for the startup is that I manage the data. Considering this is partially research there’s a lot of data. Demographic data, data from surveys our participants take, feedback comments, etc. I put them in a database which I had to develop from scratch, and I help manage the app we contracted a company design. I pull the data when needed and analyze it for my boss when requested. Usually this data is for presenting at presentations she gives or grant requests she is writing. I am the only person doing this, so it’s an important role.

My experience at this job has had its ups and downs. The very first week I started was the first week of quarantine in Michigan... so that was an interesting leg to start on. So I had to get used to working remotely on top of meeting my coworkers and learning the systems we were working with. I also had no idea what I was doing because there was no previous data manager to tell me the state of things so as I said, I was developing everything from scratch, which is what I signed up for.

So there were definitely learning moments - times I made mistakes with the data, times where I wasn’t working at the pace my boss expected (apparently her expectations are so high even her PHD mentees get scared of her), and slow times where I didn’t have much to do. But I learned from these moments and I’m especially thankful for our Science Officer, who is basically my working supervisor. She’s a recent PHD, very chill, and very understanding. We can’t work in the same office, but she’s more on the grounds and I feel like I can have those “quick office meetings” with her. At this point, I’ve reached a good, working rhythm for my role.

So as it is now February, my funding for 1 year was about to expire. It’s actually crazy to me that’s it already been almost a year and that I lasted this long, because there were points in the summer where I definitely felt like I’d get fired because of the difficulties, but praise God we’re here. So this past week I emailed my boss to start the conversation about what will happen going forward - is there more funding or if not, when will I end? To my surprise, my boss called me 5 minutes later saying she already begun the process of getting more funding and I have been approved for at least 6 months, it not more! She also commented that I’ve been doing a good job and that my supervisor really enjoys working with me. All I can say is that I’m thankful that I’ve gotten to this point, because it wasn’t easy and I can’t say that I’m doing a perfect job but I’m thankful because God got me here. I would have never imagined I’d be at a different job a year ago, but this is the story of my life - God always provides at just the right time. I actually found out that at my old job, they started furloughing people due to covid and my position would have been on that list, so I would’ve been unemployed. God always knows best!

Church

Our church has been virtual ever since quarantine started in Michigan. There was a short spurt where we tried to be in person, but for the safety and love of our congregation, we’ve been sticking to virtual. It’s definitely not the same to be virtual, but I do think it challenges us to rework our standards. Church is not just a building after all, and it reminds me of how the early church in Acts was scattered from persecution, so they were physically apart, but the church multiplied, actually, because everyone had different spheres of influence. More on this thought in a second.

At this point last year I wasn’t leading a Life Group. I was just a member, trying to get adjusted to our single adult ministry but still on the Executive Team of our church. I was considering what to do in terms of renewing commitments etc but didn’t feel like I had any convictions yet. That changed one night. Another leader in our church randomly messaged me about how in their LG, a senior was sharing about their plans after graduation. They planned to move back to their home country and pursue their passions of outreach ministry. What does this have to do with me? Well it turns out, I was the person who suggested to them to explore this passion through our Outreach Team in our church because I was the person who was assigning his ministry team in our church. I’ve actually never had a LG with this senior and have had no significant conversations with him since that initial assignment, but even just from that one encounter, it’s changing the course of his life. The leader encouraged me that non of my ministry efforts were in vain. This “random” message really sparked something in me. It reminded me of the joys of discipleship, of walking together with people, and seeing them grow in their talents and passions - having front row seats. And, having a year off from leadership - I really missed having the platform to do that. Not to say you can’t do that without a title, but the platform gives you moments like this. And so I decided I want to commit to that, through our church again. So I’m a LG leader again, in the Focus ministry.

Starting in May 2020, I’ve been leading LGs. For this calendar year, we are doing split gender groups, remotely. It’s definitely... different than what I’ve experienced in the past. I’ve found myself having to really stretch my creative juices to think of ways to foster community in remote ways. So now we do things like virtual birthdays, or group watch parties for Sunday Celebration to simulate “going” together, or having dinner together remotely.

I’ve had a LG in the Summer and one in the Fall. Based on what I shared previously, I really wanted to be involved in people’s lives and their growth. I think Covid has definitely been a hindrance to this, but in addition to that, it looks different with working adults as opposed to college students. It’s true what they say: college is a formative time in someone’s life. They’re still learning about themselves, and figuring who they want to be in this life. So as a leader, you get to see that grow and develop. Post-grad (for most of my members) though, people have gone through that already. Especially in our Focus ministry, where I deem it as a “transition” time for a lot of people. A lot of them are waiting... waiting to get into grad school, waiting for a better job, waiting to move, waiting to get married. But what does it look like to be faithful, now? We actually had a whole Bible study series over the summer about this. All this to say, I’m still trying to figure it out for myself, and then also how to lead others in this stage of life.

I will say, one joy and privilege I do get, is I’ve been paired with various co-leaders who are leading for the first time. Being able to pour in years of experience into them has been very rewarding. Also you get to see potentially a different side to some of them, or you see the talents that God has given them that they might not see for themselves. I even got to lead with someone I discipled while he was an undergrad, and now we’re both in this working adult life stage - God is faithful!

Home Life

Not really sure what to call this miscellaneous section, but I’ll just call it my “home life.”

I believe in my last update I talked about moving off-campus. My roommates and I found a place (basically) across the street and moved again in May. We each have our own room now, and the place is quite spacious. I personally don’t have any problems with having a roommate, but the others wanted their own space. This is my first (?) time not having a roommate, actually. I understand why people like it so much. You can go to sleep and wake up whenever you want without disturbing someone and you can keep the room as clean or as dirty as you want. Also we each get our own bathroom so that’s comfy, too.

Like many others, I have been working from some since quarantine started. I’ve set up a desk near the living room. I just enjoy being out there as opposed to being cooped up in my room. It’s brighter, more lively, and I get to see the roommates past by once in a while. The only downside is if I have a meeting at night - I have to move to my room with no desk to answer the Zoom call.

My roommates have been working from home too. It’s a stark contrast against when all three of us would be commuting to work. It feels like instead of having lived with them for 2 years, It’s been 10 years. When you see a person not just everyday, but many hours per day, you’ve accelerated the timeline. I’m thankful for that, though, because who knows when they’ll move so getting time to get to know them now is a silver lining while being forced to work from home.

At first, when you work from home, it feels like a gift.. but then soon you realize if you don’t set limits for yourself, “home” will always feel like a potential arena for “work” and then you never really leave mentally.. It’s a good test of work-life balance. I think I’ve gotten into a decent routine and have a rough schedule everyday so I can be consistent and when I “get off” work, I’m mentally relaxed.

Outside of working and online church, I don’t do much. There are literally spans of 4-5 days, up to a week, where I don’t set foot outside. And then I’ll go out to drive my car for something and it hits me “wow, this is my first time outside in a week.” I’ve been watching a lot of anime shows with my roommate. This is a rough list of everything I’ve ever watched, some within the last year as well as my current watches https://myanimelist.net/animelist/linguy?status=2.

I’ve also been playing a lot of video games, I made a list here as well... https://howlongtobeat.com/user?n=GeneralTso&s=games&completed=1

Every few weeks I visit my mom since my weekends aren’t occupied with going to church. She’s doing well, she works part time at a restaurant, and it’s all takeout. Im working on getting her scheduled for a vaccine.

On the Horizon

This would be the section where I put things I look forward to... but it’s hard to make any long term plans for now.

I guess... I’m looking forward to the day when I can start looking forward to things- when we can start planning trips, we can freely watch movies in theaters, or have birthday parties, or eat restaurants.

Until then, I’m just being faithful with what I have.

Prayer Requests

Pray for our return to normalcy.

Pray for vision for the future. I know of some friends who are going to various countries to do missions for a short-term and thinking about doing that lights a fire under me to not just settle but keep fanning the flame.

Pray for peace. Recently I feel like God is giving me peace about just where I’m at in life, but it’s still very easy to compare life circumstances with others around my age. I want to believe that I’m right where God wants me to be.

Thanks for reading so far! Here are some pictures I dug up

Christmas Hot Pot!

Some of us in Focus did shopping for to partner with a charity

“Socially distant” LG Close Outs

Covid Birthday Parties

[n-ph]

2k16

wow it’s been awhile since i’ve written one of these. i just realized that i totally didn’t write one last year. anyway i dont even know where to begin. 2016 has been an interesting year to say the least. i was rereading some of my old posts and i said omg a lot. the days just seem to go by in a blur nowadays, so i will try to recap 2016 as best as i can. i dont have a word to encompass this year though.

went to seattle in january. tried some really expensive sushi..twice..holy crap. the quality was a1 but man the bill was something else. seattle was nice though. definitely had a san francisco vibe to it, except for when you go to the waterside and look back at all the construction. i guess we kinda ran out of things to do bc on the last day we went to chinatown and the area seemed really dinky. also gained a ton of weight in seattle though u_u

in february we tried 5a5 steakhouse. and let me tell u. it is the best beef i have ever had. it is also the most money i have ever spent on a single meal. oh my god. i dont know if i'll ever be back, but i would like to, some day.

thus far, the semester was pretty okay. let's see..i had government accounting with a moody professor who would throw tantrums whenever no one participated. i also had business law with this old guy who was really lively and fun. i had strategic management with a bryan cranston look alike. the class was really interesting though and i learned a lot and it got me started on reading the economist lmao im so old. i miss having so much free time that came with school. 40 hour work weeks are not the life (even if i barely do anything at work).

went to LA during spring break. and at a good time too bc it was still the soft opening of harry potter world so the lines were v manageable. butterbeer was dope. the entire hogsmeade village just felt so real. had sooo much good food in LA omg. got to see some friends as well. had some of the best steak frites ever.

i cant believe i particpated in asu's talent show this year. much has changed in asu since i joined. it makes me wonder if i was behaving that way when i first joined. it seems a lot more clique-y and high school and drama filled but hey maybe it was that way when i was active but i just never noticed. had many fun lunches with my grand little but man there is a lot of drama in asu and im just glad i wasnt in any of it. i kinda miss the old asu days of staying out late to eat or do nothing at all but also i dont miss it bc i get enough sleep and im a lot more productive without asu lmao. finally ended things with tram for good. maybe things turned out the way they did for the better. the entire friendship was such a roller coaster. im glad its over.

the end of the semester rolled around!!! and i graduated!!!! :') attended my sisters graduation which was pretty boring bc high school students have such a narrow view of life (not to say that college students are any better). attended my own graduation. felt really fortunate to have jessa and anthony there. this one kid in my graudating class gave a speech about accomplishments...and he revealed the wrestling belt he was wearing underneath his graduation gown...and then he made the grads stand up and chant thank yous to the friends and family sitting behind us. it was so embarrassing and extra omg.

shortly after graduation i was on a plane headed back to the motherland. and let me tell u. i hated most of it. it was super hot and humid and my sister and i shared about 100 mosquito bites between the both of us. also. i know i shouldnt but..vietnam is so dirty. i know its not their fault that theyre a developing country but man there are exactly zero sanitation standards and i dont even know why we were there bc the water had recently been polluted so none of the fish were edible and my mom didnt trust the food stands to have clean food either. i guess i made some new friends and visited some cool places but at what cost??? also i think my entire fam got sick bc we slept with the ac on but either way, the meds i took made me lose my sense of smell i think and i couldnt taste or smell anything for two weeks. the ac air also dried out my nose and gave me a skin infection (which i will discuss later). during our trip to danang a small ferry got flipped on the big river and a bunch of ppl died and the government tried to cover it up bc bad publicity etc. they played it off as if only a few ppl died rather than most of the ppl on the boat. our tour guide in danang was in the know tho so he told us everything and w o w that really could've been us on that river bc it was a boat the left the dock about half an hour after our boat left. crazy.

after the long and arduous journey abroad i finally made it back home...and then headed to hawaii. hawaii was dope af. 10/10 would recommend, would go back. battled the tides when we went kayaking and sadly the tides won and i lost my hat but also almost lost my flip flops if it weren't for some kind random strangers who swam out to get my flip flops. we stayed on oahu and maui. hiked up a v steep mountain in oahu. lost my hat from kayaking. got caught in the rain when we went looking for a beach on the first day. had some of the best shaved ice ever. attended my first luau. fell asleep during the first part of a fire dancing show (bc the fire hadnt started yet). essentially pulled an all nighter to try oahu's famous bakery that opened at 3am. flew to maui but due to poor planning we arrived 4 hours earlier than check in lmao. the house we had in maui was so beautiful though omg. it was ocean side so we could hear the waves every night and it just felt so peaceful and tranquil to sit on the balcony in the mornings, just staring out at sea. in maui we went snorkeling. the last time i went snorkeling was like...10+ years ago...in cancun...and the water was freezing...and i also thought i was lost in the middle of the ocean on our way to the snorkeling location... but anyway! the snorkeling this time was so cool omg they had prescription swimming goggles so i could see EVERYTHING. they also provided lunch which was dope. it started raining on our way back to shore though lmao. the next day we drove all the way up the volcano in maui...to find that the top was foggy af and we couldnt see anything. the road up was pretty nasty bc super windy and 10000 ft elevation. it got really foggy after like 6000ft so we basically drove in all fog until the top which was still foggy but also like 20 degrees colder than the rest of maui. maui is super rural omg. we tried to find a place to eat after our trek but there were barely any food places in sight. we picked a random spot in the middle of nowhere and then decided to take the road to hana (which is on the opposite side of where we were staying, and was about 3 hrs away. and boy did we mess up. we took the alternate road there and it was scarier than going up the volcano bc 1) windy 2) small ass roads which were unpaved at certain points and 3) cliff hugging roads..i cant believe i made the drive there and back it was so terrifying omg. not sure if i would go back. at one point there was a big ass cow in the middle of the road. once we got to hana though, the hike was really nice despite the humidity. almost died crossing the river at the end to see the waterfall. all the rocks had big ants on them!!! how was i supposed to cross the river!!! we missed out on the wading pools though but we were so starving by that time. made the 3 hr drive back and everyone was dead. spent the last day on maui not doing much bc rainy and we were all so dead.

about two weeks after i got back from hawaii was training week in sac for my first big girl job. ngl but i felt super homesick that first night. idk why since i would be home by the end of the week anyway. probably just overwhelmed by how fast everything was happening. graduation and now transitioning into a full time job. scary stuff. but i did make a really good friend in sac so it didnt turn out so bad!!! training was pretty fun bc our presenter was pretty engaging. except when we went over the boring stuff and i was v close to falling asleep. did get to catch up with some of my sac friends though which was nice. went to the state fair for the first time as well. it was..exactly as expected but hotter lmao. my family went to san diego at this time bc my sister was going to comic con but i couldnt make it :(

got back from training and started my first big girl job. im not sure what i expected but it was easy but also hard? my first engagement i was only with one other senior and she was super nice and pretty and really good at lettering. i dont feel like i learned much? i only really did the tasks given to me but i feel like half the time i wasnt even sure what i was doing. i also hated the commute all the way back from walnut creek. the going there wasnt so bad bc i got a ride out to oakland but man it would take forever to get home. :'( my second engagement was just me and a partner and i feel like she expected me to know everything...but i didnt know anything...so i mostly sat around a lot??? esp bc she wasnt on site every day so i had zero supervision. :/ towards the end of the second engagement i got an email from the city saying that they were accepting me into their accounting position and i was like oh shit. i ended up taking the job, which gave me a week in between quitting the first job and starting the second, which i used to go back to LA lmao bc i had a season ticket to universal. actually ate at the three broomsticks this time. it was defs filling and i thought it was a good bang for buck. attempted to go to the walking dead tour..chickened out..twice. i probs would've died in there tbh. also went to disneyland!!!! that was lit. their macone-roni and cheese was da bomb. saw world of color for the first time except it was the 50th anniversary edition so it wasnt so great. bumped into the couple that was in jbieb's love yourself video. tried some new food places in LA and saw some old friends, again.

started my second big girl job. all my coworkers are super nice except the big boss is kind of crazy and anal. but we deal with it. my supervisor is so nice :'( work isnt so bad bc i dont do much lmao. the hardest part sometimes is just staying awake if im being honest. getting paid to do nothing is the life tho.

spent my birthday weekend in monterey. we were supposed to go atv-ing but ended up going wine tasting but also not really bc we liked the first wine so much we got a bottle of that to share. it was really cold that weekend surprisingly so we stayed in and then went to this spa place on a whim and it was definitely an interesting experience.

went as a rice bag for halloween and i think that was probably my greatest costume to date. except we ended up going to a party full of white ppl...and i was like the only asian there gdi

tagged along w my sister when she went to sd. got to see many friends!!! went clubbing as well and that was lit. took michelle clubbing for her 21st birthday, also lit. squadsgiving and christmas were super fun. got some supplies for bullet journaling so guess thatll be my new years resolution. but also to take more photos bc i didnt buy that camera for nothing.

okay so in conclusion. i did a lot of stuff this year. it feels like it was mostly all highs. or maybe i just block out the lows but im pretty sure there were way more highs than lows. 2016 was a great year tbh. oh yeah i also passed two of four parts of my cpa exam!!! woot. in 2016, i learned a lot...of accounting lmao. plus i ran my first 5k!!!!! oh yeah and i joined a gym and now im getting swole af. im not sure what my reflections are. i guess, if i were to compare 2k16 kim to 2k14 kim i've for sure come a long ways. i wasnt afraid to try new challenges and conquer them. i stepped out of my comfort zone multiple times, sometimes with the help of alcohol. i got my shit together and really focused in school (which got me a 4.0 during my last year of college). i also got my shit together and studied my ass off for the cpa (which is still ongoing i crey). i really wanna say this was probably one of my best years with everything i was able to do and everything i achieved. so here's to you, 2016, and may 2017 be even better!!!

[arrowpusher]

2019

A year of transitions, setbacks, growth. Insomnia, sleep deprivation, being unable to wake up. Spurts of productivity, lapses into lulls; cycles of accomplishments, burnout, rejuvenation. 

So much that it takes me a week of 2020 to finish this full 2019 reflection.

Accomplishments

Completion of residency: After being in school and residency for so long, I feel like I don’t even know how to be a normal person. Sometimes I feel like I over-exaggerate how busy I am, or that I am too high-strung, over-the-top perfection, and borderline bragging. But at other times, I realize that our profession is under-appreciated. Talking about what is on my mind and my everyday is spreading awareness about our roles and potential impact. 

The first job: The transition from residency to job was not seamless. I was not entitled to learn, I had real responsibilities, I had obligations both at work and outside of work but not in a formal structured setting (no program director to oversee things and turn to in case of burnout). I tried to apply all my training and I prioritized what I felt was truly important, but there was mismatches--between what I believed and what was done, what I felt was important and what I needed to do. Not to mention, I could no longer shelter myself in a purely intellectual bubble as a resident, and I had to navigate through weird workplace politics. But, things look better week by week. If 2019 was the year of overcoming challenges, 2020 is my year to build my practice. 

Relationship set in stone: I remember writing in a journal some years ago something about despite feeling fairly well accomplished in school matters, I felt lonely. Ironically enough, one of my crushes was all about the Biblical “Love is patient, love is kind” quote (and I don’t even know how to cite verses), so I eventually decided to wait until the right boy came along. It seemed too big an emotional investment to date people I didn’t see myself with long-term. I also always feel antsy when I can’t be my genuine self. Fast forward a few years of patience and kindness... and sure enough, things are set in stone (pun intended).

Discoveries

Workouts: I’ve probably sat in front of a computer for 80% of my free time, but recently forced myself back into a routine out of necessity with a hard deadline of a photoshoot. I even entertained the idea of a Fitbit, but I decided to recycle what I have with a simple sports watch (that I used since middle school) and free weights (that my parents bought from Daiso). After a few days, I already feel refreshed... them endocannabinoids. Discovering new trails and running paths is also another good mental release from being chronically wired to computers at work and at home.

Kpop: This came mainly out of boredom with the same songs on repeat on the radio. The more I listen to Kpop, the more I appreciate the intricacies and the thought-provoking messages. Also, I’m glad that I started watching dramas again. It’s a much better use of my free time than wasting time on the internet. (See below for most memorable drama quotes)

Teaching: Every time I want to just scrape by with teaching and put it lowest on my priority list, somehow I end up investing as top priority... and every time, it is >100% worthwhile and I really feel an impact. As I was once told by a mentor and students, I shouldn’t give up on teaching.

(Honorable mention) Hair masks: I used to laugh at people for this oddly named product that sounds like a face mask put on incorrectly, but then TJ’s came up with its own version with shea butter and coconut oil and I gave it a try. Turns out to be essentially long-acting conditioner. 

Dramas (& Memorable Quotes)

Let’s Eat 2: “Hey, why do you always think that you’re not good enough? You’re good enough. You have a good personality; you’re nice, funny and pretty... You deserve to be loved “

Romantic Teacher, Dr. Kim: “If you don’t change, nothing will, either.”

Wudang Rules: “There are two results. One is success, one is failure. If you only see the weight of success, then you only have half the chance to be happy. But if you are exquisite about the process, then no matter what the outcome is, you entirely receive the joy brought to you by the process.” (and all the other Taoist principles about being malleable and going with the flow)

Revelations

Routines: The power of automation. Setting things on autopilot can make many things significantly easier and allow me to focus on more complex issues. Even simple things, like what to grab for breakfast and what outfits to wear. The ability to establish streamlined routines is almost a superpower of sorts.

Non-linearity: All along, life has been a path; you check off the boxes, you follow timelines, you plan for the next step. In high school, you apply to college, then you apply to professional/grad school, then you apply to residency, then you apply to second year of residency, then you apply for jobs. Then what......?!?! Then, the acclimation to work-life balance and pivoting on quarter-life crises about opportunity costs, additional training, other things that could happen in an alternative universe. (And subsequently, deciding what alternative goals you actually choose to pursue--superpower #2).

De-clutter: Ugh, piles of stuff are so easy but such an eyesore and mental drag. Clutter can also get to the point that I am prone to losing things. I remember actually reading awhile ago that de-cluttering is refreshing and improves productivity (superpower #3).

Goals

Be die-hard organized: It is easier to sort things out coming in than to retroactively back-track and organize a big load of stuff. Email is a good example. (The other alternative is hard timeline time crunches, but this is more stressful than staying organized in the first place). Plus, I’m always paranoid about missing and forgetting something.

Stay naive: While in training, it is so easy to be naive and optimistic and do all these things you hear at conferences, but after routine workflows, it’s easy to slip into inertia. One of these days I need to write a letter to myself about what I envision myself doing. Keep swimming upstream. 

Be happy: Appreciate moments like sitting at a cafe with a cup of coffee, looking at scenery while running, compassion towards patients, appreciating time with those around me. It’s always easier to do things with a positive attitude than to be cranky and antisocial and awkward.

[parniarazi]

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A few days into the fresh energy of the new year, I’m still processing a lot from 2019 because it was a huge year for me. I think it’s a big missed opportunity for self-growth if you don’t take some time to reflect on your year, what it taught you, how it shaped you, and what your goals are moving into a new year. Resolutions can be cheesy and cheap, but serious self-reflection and actions towards your goals are what will move you forward.

In 2019, I got to experience a lot of things I love. I photographed one of my favorite artists, I went to 6 music festivals (including my first SXSW and EDCLV), I traveled to Vegas, Italy, Germany, France, Colorado, and Mexico (not to mention a few weekends away in the lovely Austin, Texas). I connected with many different people this year, a few of whom have stuck around to be good friends. I graduated college surrounded by the support of my amazing family, started my first semester of grad school and my first real job, and I fell even more in love with Pavel after we made the decision to move in together.

Whew. Talk about self-growth. Years like this that are filled with change are definitely among the most difficult ones I remember, but getting older is cool sometimes because I recall other similar times when I felt challenged, pushed, and even frustrated, but then ended up getting through it and life being way better on the other side. For example, when I first moved to Houston in 2016. Another similarly big transition year, 2019 didn’t come without its struggles, but those have been incredible learning moments and just as important as my highs. 

Overall though, growing up is hard. I think this is something I say often, but I really feel that in my soul. Sometimes I feel like I have a grip on adulthood, I’m now financing larger trips and travel plans for Pavel and I, I’m seeing more of the world, I’m less afraid of doing adult things alone and less afraid of the unknown general. At the same time though, so much of my identity is rooted in my youth. Young, wild, and free, you know? Nothing is better. So in many ways, feeling this slip away from me year by year as I get older and have to handle more and more of my own responsibilities really sucks. Not being able to be as carefree or have as much free time can be a challenge that comes with adulthood, but fortunately having the level of self-awareness I’ve developed, I’m also realizing that I don’t actually have to buy into that narrative anymore. Can I be a fully responsible, independent adult and still create time for myself and give myself breaks to play, dance, and rest? Absolutely. Can I be a smart, professional, respectable person while still being funny and quirky and myself? Hell yeah. Getting settled into adulthood by moving out and going through all these changes I did this year has helped me realize that my life is really my own to shape and create however I want. I’ve learned that no matter what advice others give me or see fit for me, the decisions are mine to make at the end of the day and I’m the one who has to live my life every day. As the indecisive libra I am, this was hard at first but I can literally feel myself growing into my power and that feels fucking amazing. 

Major shifts also happened in my academic/professional life that were extremely difficult to go through, but I have a feeling were a huge plunge in the right direction for me. For most of undergrad (which was only 3 years), I was committed to staying in academia to get my Ph.D. in political science and then working as a professor. This was mainly for 3 reasons — I was always good at school so I thought putting off finding a job to stay in school longer would be an easy solution, I wanted to stay in an area I excelled in and felt comfortable in, and I didn’t explore my other interests/options enough at the time. I also couldn’t see myself dressing in business clothes, working in an office or corporate-type job. Essentially, I settled for something I thought would be more comfortable, but it turned out my undergrad program had not challenged me or prepared me for this grad program at all. Instead of being comfortable, I was thrown to the wolves in classes and material I was completely unprepared for and not even interested in. Not to mention, I felt incredibly alone and isolated from my classmates because many of them were older, already had a Master’s degree, and their lives revolved completely around the department because most of them worked as TAs while being full-time students. Meanwhile, I was working outside of academics, wanted to maintain my personal life and hobbies, and simply could not keep up with the pace and demands of the program. Nor did I want to, because seeing both the Ph.D. student and professor life up and close as a grad student made me realize that’s not the life I want as a professional. Academia can be incredibly stifling of new ideas, very bureaucratic, and has cookie-cutter ways to ‘making it’ in your given field. I learned that it is not an environment where my skills and personality would flourish, and I deserve better than that. I realized it’s unfair to both myself and the people who could benefit from my skills to force myself to fit into a box I simply don’t fit into.

That doesn’t go to say I have it all figured out now because I surely don’t. In fact, I’m on a whole new journey of finding jobs and fields I’m interested in, then gaining the right experiences and connections to get those jobs. Fortunately, I saved my grad school career by advocating for myself. Last semester, I immediately realized I hated the poli sci program, started exploring other related degree options, dropped my most difficult class after midterms, and then pushed and begged my advisors to actually do something to help me do something about my situation. After exploring and talking to people a bit, I realized my skillset would be a lot more applicable for something in Communications, like Public Relations or Mass Communications. I’ve always had a mind for communication, media, and relating to others as a deep empath. With broad applications in the world, I also realized this is a degree that I can make, not one that makes me. I can apply it and use it to do anything I'm interested in — from entertainment PR and marketing, to journalism and writing, to leadership and team management. My advisors were able to transfer me into the Communications MA for this spring, even though technically I would have had to apply and start in the fall. An important consideration about leaving political science was that they had given me a full scholarship covering my tuition, but since I’ve transferred I’ll now have to figure out paying for this semester myself and then finding scholarships or other ways to pay for the next 2 years (because I’ve made it this far and I refuse to have student loans). I’m so glad I didn’t let the money stop me because I would have lost that scholarship anyway since I dropped a class and didn’t get the most impressive grades, plus no scholarship is worth suffering in something you don’t want to be in and that won’t get you where you want to be.

Aside from the whirlwind that was this last semester, I am incredibly proud of myself for getting through all these crazy changes and still managing to be my joyful and best self (at least most of the time). I had my days where I cried hard after school and work, and some dark weeks this semester, but I made still doing things that make me happy a priority. Yoga, music, travel, going to festivals, going out with friends, seeing my family, and just slowing down for self-care. Finding familiarity and comfort in these things that bring me joy, combined with support from Pavel, are what got me through my hardest times this semester. Now I feel more settled into my new life being moved out, I feel more confident and powerful because I made my own decisions, and I feel excited about this new journey and the fulfillment and abundance this new path will bring me. 

Speaking of Pavel, it’s actually unreal how seamless and perfect moving in with him has been. Of course, we are immensely privileged because we aren’t dealing with rent, bills, or even cleaning much. But nonetheless, we’ve dealt with challenging times together but just going to bed together and waking up together makes life better. He’s my best friend in every way, living with him and sharing a space together is so magical and beautiful. I feel so safe, welcomed, and open to create the space and life I want here. I feel so cared for, valued, and loved with Pavel. We work so well together, it feels effortless and deliciously perfect. He grounds me, and this space has become home so quickly because of the way he makes me feel here. Moving out has taught me so much, helped me start overcoming a lot of fear and anxiety, and just allowed me to blossom more into myself. I will be forever grateful for Pavel helping make that happen with me at this point in our lives where it was so perfectly needed. I respect and love him endlessly for being the mature, intelligent, caring, patient partner that I need in my life. 

2019 was also a year of letting go of a lot of friendships, people, and energies that no longer serve me. I realized that I am a wonderful friend who is ready to give support, love, guidance, hugs, and my whole heart to someone who is willing to give all of that back and who is deserving of receiving that from me. Even though I’m in a healthy and happy long-term relationship, I still feel myself holding space in my heart for deep friendships and connections with other people (specifically with women/feminine energy), but I haven’t been able to fill that space since moving to Texas. I miss the friendships I grew up having, and I put a lot of pressure on filling that space for a while, but I realizing forcing it gets me nowhere and a lot of people simply aren’t in a place to be able to reciprocate my energy in a meaningful way. A lot of people are really caught up in their own lives (which is totally understandable), already have other people filling the space for friendship in their lives, or simply aren’t at the level of maturity and growth that I am so they can’t connect with me on a deep level. Making close friends as an adult is way harder, people are just busier, but I really do trust that I will attract the right people and they will come into my life at the right time.

Continuing to expand and grow into my spirituality and spiritual practices by meditating, journaling, listening to podcasts, and practicing yoga has also brought me solace and internal happiness. It’s hard to describe and most people my age/similar to me are really disconnected from having their own authentic beliefs/practices because they either go with what they’re taught or dismiss it altogether. For me, having a career path I find exciting and fulfilling, a stable romantic relationship, healthy friendships, a spiritual practice, and fun hobbies are all areas of my life that I need to satisfy to feel balanced and genuinely happy. Knowing this, and after reflecting on all of these areas within the past year, I’m manifesting the following for each area in 2020, but I also know the Universe knows more than me and things may go differently for a reason (like my poli sci program not working out) so I trust that I will receive this, or something better...

☽ Career — I will get a second job/start a side hustle that will help fund my school and travels this year, I will start learning exciting new things that prepare me for a field/job I’m passionate about, I will secure an internship that pays well and allows me to practice/gain useful skills, I will get scholarships for next school year, I will feel a sense of belonging and make friends in my new program, I will continue learning and exploring different options/opportunities, and I will make connections with people who can mentor me and help me grow into starting my career.  

☽ Relationship — Pavel and I will continue to support, love, and care for each other in all aspects. Our love will continue to grow and flourish as we grow in life together. We will go on adventures that make us feel happy, excited, exhausted and refreshed. We will add to our stories and crazy experiences. We will continue treating each other with love and respect, supporting each others’ growth as individuals while also growing together in a really beautiful way. 

☽ Friendship — I will continue to grow my valuable friendships with people who are on the same wavelength as me. I will have a lot of laughs and good memories with people I care about. I will get deeper into the communities of like-minded people around me (music, yoga). I will find more friends who inspire me and actively support my creative ideas/work. I will develop deeper and more fulfilling friendships with people who reciprocate my energy, and I will extend myself in new ways by being the person I needed for others. 

☽ Spirituality — I will continue practicing meditation and yoga as much as I can. I will also continue to read one book per month and listen to one podcast per week to grow the value in my practice. I will journal and synchronize my self-growth with lunar and astrological cycles, which allows me to tap into my higher power and divine connection with the universe. I will also consider doing a YTT this summer or winter, but regardless I will find outlets to be of assistance to others and give back in this area that has been of such deep value in my life. I will practice breathing, mindfulness, and presence to feel grounded during stressful times. I will get better at protecting my energy and staying rooted in my own positive energy and affirmations (aka, not letting other people’s BS or toxic energy affect me). 

☽ Fun — I will continue going to events that surround me with good energy and good people. I will continue doing what brings me joy, allows me to move and release tension and energy, and that brings me closer with like-minded friends. I will continue to make the incredible trips and experiences I desire a reality by saving money and smart planning. I make more of an effort to bring this good energy with me into my every day by being myself and sharing my laughs and joy with the people around me. I will continue to feed my inner child, my creativity, and my natural human existence on this earth.

I have no doubt that 2020 will continue this amazing momentum and growth that I have cultivated over the past year. I am beyond blissful and grateful for the incredible year I had and all it taught me, but I’m also ready to move forward feeling more prepared, confident, and capable of making everything I can imagine a reality. 

#reflection #2020 #2019 #2020 goals

[enemylegal55-blog]

How I Finally Became Happy My Senior Year Of College After Years Of Hating It

Happier & Healthier is a column dedicated to providing real-life reflections, post-grad life advice to make you feel less alone, and tips to help you live the best life you possibly can. 

Say hello to 18-year-old me. I was attending Towson University, located about half an hour away from Baltimore. I was scared and nervous, but mostly optimistic about my college career. After all, I was told constantly that I was about to have the “best four years of my life.” But of course, that wasn’t the case for me.

I was an undecided major as a freshman, and I was taking a lot of general studies classes that I despised. I struggled with math and had to take developmental classes due to my exceptionally low SAT scores in that area. I grew up in a bubble of liberal politics, of diversity and tolerance, right outside of Washington, D.C. But Towson was an unfamiliar mix of sorority blondes, spray tans, and a lot of Trump lovers. I felt incredibly alone despite having a few friends from my hometown — who were also feeling the same way.

During my sophomore year, my struggle deeply intensified. In that one year, I experienced some of the greatest lows I had ever gone through. My first heartbreak and a sexual assault had changed me from a bubbly and hopeful person to an isolated and deeply troubled 22-year-old. Despite reaching out for help, the environment of my school was not comforting to me. And despite my wonderful friends who consoled me whenever they could, I still felt so, so alone.

I spent more weekends than not heading back home trying to run from my college life. I truly hated it. I hated walking into the library and having people silently judge me. I hated the cliques who made me feel like I was in middle school again. I hated dorm room living and taking classes that I wasn’t even remotely interested in. I hated my brain, that told me I was in danger every second of the day. My anxiety was skyrocketing so intensely, that I felt unsafe and vulnerable everywhere I went.

Before my junior year, I tried transferring to my dream school in Philadelphia, but despite the scholarship I received, I couldn’t afford to leave. And that’s when it finally hit me: running away wouldn’t help anything. I had to keep going. I had to keep trying, for the sake of wanting to live and wanting to finally be happy after so many years of being miserable. So for the first time in a long time, instead of feeling sorry for myself, I finally started to take responsibility for myself, for my mistakes, and for my failures.

Say hello to 22-year-old me. I was finally a senior and finally starting to find happiness. So, how’d I do it?

1. I got out of bed.

I realized that sleeping till noon, missing classes and barely eating was not going to get me any closer to being happier. So I had to force myself to leave my room and to go out and try to be a human being again. And let’s be honest, trying to make friends in your twenties is a lot harder than being a 5-year-old kid in kindergarten, but luckily, with the help of teachers, and amazing friends, I began to see the light on the other side.

2. I let go of expectations.

I let go of everything that I used to think college would be, and how happy I thought I would be in it. I let go of my need to get straight A’s, of my need to find my soul mate, and of my need to be prettier and more loved than everyone else. I let myself just be unapologetically me. I stopped trying so hard in my looks, and instead, let myself be authentic and honest. In doing so, I ended up with lifelong friends I wouldn’t have met otherwise.

3. I dived into making my college a better place and environment for others.

I volunteered. I rallied with sexual assault survivors. I met friends from new walks of life. I went out of my comfort zone, to reach my full potential and I’m so happy I finally found that courage inside of me. While initially, it was uncomfortable walking into a room full of people I didn’t know, and cheering alongside strangers who had been through the same trauma as myself, it also made me feel whole. Contributing to the world, whether it be cleaning the environment or tutoring students in need, is a humbling experience that will remind you to not take life for granted.

4. I went to therapy.

Therapy had always used to make me roll my eyes and scoff about how it didn’t help anything, but when I was in my darkest moments, I knew I had to at least try. And you know what? It wasn’t a miracle worker. Nothing is! But talking to someone who has no bias about you or any other factors in your life really does put your life and your problems into perspective. And whenever I stepped out of my therapist’s office, a huge weight was always lifted from my shoulders.  

5. I let go of people who brought me down.

I realized that constantly spending my time with negative people, and being around my so-called friends who tried to tear me down instead of lifting me up were destroying my self-esteem.  I lost one friend who I used to think would be my future bridesmaid. I lost another friend who told me she didn’t believe I was sexually assaulted. I lost another, who tried to sabotage other real friendships that I had. This part wasn’t fun. It wasn’t fun for any of us, but it needed to be done in order for my heart to heal.

*****

Believe me when I say that none of this was easy. But I’m so happy I learned how to be happy. I’m so proud of myself for learning how to fall and thrive at the same time. College is really hard, and it’s a tough transition right out of high school. But please know that it does get better. And that one day you’re going to meet your future bridesmaids, and lifelong best friends. You are not alone, and you will eventually meet your tribe of awesome people.

Step outside of your comfort zone. Talk to the girl who sits next to you in your Sociology class. Have an open heart and an open mind. And never, ever forget your worth.

Lauren Jarvis-Gibson is a writer and poet based in the Washington metropolitan area. Since 2015, her work has been published on Thought Catalog, Huff Post, Allure and YourTango. When she’s not writing, Lauren enjoys defending Taylor Swift whenever she can and serving wine in her hometown of Takoma Park. Her poetry book, Paper Hearts, is available on Amazon here. 

Image via Unsplash

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Source: https://thefinancialdiet.com/how-i-finally-became-happy-my-senior-year-of-college-after-years-of-hating-it/

[universe-clock]

4 Years in Boulder, Colorado.

Welp, here’s the tl;dr just so you don’t have to scroll all the way down the essay:

Four Years in Boulder:

Thought for myself

Practiced guitar & sang

Free wrote, composed

Taught private woodwind lessons

Prepared bagel sandwiches; serenaded customers

Cashiered more; serenaded more customers

Hiked, ran, biked, relaxed, watched TV & movies, played video games

Listened to music (obsessed over a handful of albums)

Drank coffee, smoked weed, tried beers

Year 1:

Jobless & hopeful with freedom

A new desire to play & perform songs on guitar

Making random connections & acquaintances

Living among college students

Getting a job making bagels

Making occasional mistakes, but learning from them

Gained respect for many people different than my way of life, i.e. LGBTQ, Buddhists, stoners, sex addicts, nonbelievers & believers of other faiths

Year 2:

Getting a job teaching woodwind students

Losing touch with old friends back home; loneliness

Only getting so far with connections; staying in routine

Fearing social situations and staying inside

Brooded; learned 150 songs

Fumbled with a life decision and almost ruined everything

Spoke to God daily about regret and guilt

Year 3:

Enhanced a few friendships & gained trust

Practiced guitar more than ever

Bucked down with more songwriting, learned 50 more songs

Brooded more; stalked my ex

Questioned God during the election

Continued to ruin my shoulder

Purchased an electric guitar

Got shoulder surgery

Caroline breaks silence; reconciliation

Recovery process & moving process began

Left bagel shop to work at Lucky’s

Year 4:

Worked Lucky’s and Lesson Studio

Proposed to Caroline

Experienced Grampop’s memorial service

Didn’t perform much except September, October & November

Promoted in February

Went back to Moe’s to play more music

* * * Here’s the substance * * *

I started my move to Colorado on August 11 four years ago. It was an impulsive decision. Awed by the mountains, the big sky, the nature trails, the activities, the quality of life and the people, I picked up and left my old life on the east coast. It was hard, but my desire made it easy. All I could think about was moving forward and trying to make this new life amount to my past.

When I moved into my first place on August 15 (my mother’s birthday), I unpacked and saw that my parents left me a couple letters laden with support and advice for this new adventure. Put simply, “rely on God” and “time will fly in a blink of an eye”.

I blinked. It’s been four years. In this college town of Boulder, my “post-grad” experience has come to an end without having attended school. I learned more than I thought I would in this time and am still very much soaking things in. While I feel like I haven’t accomplished as much as I would have liked, I think back to first moving out and see it as a very positive experience.

My first year, I thought for myself in a new way. I had a new sense of unapologetic freedom that I didn’t abuse, but gave trials to new activities. I spent most of this time practicing guitar & learning new songs, refined certain ideas from past years and sang more. I biked into town to coffee shops to write, listen to music and people-watch. I made random connections & acquaintances. I lived among college students young & old; underclassmen and post-graduates. Within two months, I became employed by Moe’s Broadway Bagel just through word of mouth. I was becoming the Boulder wallflower that began to gain respect for those different from me, all while beginning to see I’m not so different from them after all. Even from Buddhists, non-believers, believers of other faiths, lesbians, gays, bisexuals, transgenders, sex addicts, even - and especially - stoners. I hiked early mornings to see the sunrise before church. I was constantly yearning that, somehow, each moment mattered, no matter how impulsive or intentional the moment was, including the mistakes.

The next year, in a new pad, I was called to teach at a private lesson studio in Boulder. This was the greatest start to this year, as I began to experience loneliness later on. I wasn’t as extraverted as I thought I was, and whenever I thought about this, I got anxious and mainly stayed inside. Social situations felt more awkward than comfortable. I began to lose touch with my old friends from New Jersey & Pennsylvania, and was only getting so far with connections due to shyness. However, from this brooding, I managed to learn over a hundred songs. I developed relationships with each of these songs & artists. I even got to begin performing at the bagel shop, and the pizza parlor owned by the bagel shop owners’ daughter.

It wasn’t until late October that I thought I’d move back home. I missed Caroline, I missed my family & friends, I missed my old life and the way I used to be. Trekking this far from home and changing ended up being more than I had asked for, all while not knowing initially what I was getting into. I was dead-set on moving home through mid-March, when I was suddenly offered more opportunities through my jobs and cultivated better relationships with my coworkers. By the end of April, I was very close to reversing my decision. This conflict began to wreck me and my relationship with Caroline. On May 2, I wished her goodbye and faced a new fate in Boulder.

It was in between years two and three that I experienced the most regret & guilt I’ve ever dealt with in my life. Fumbling with this life decision felt like I had ruined everything. Personal gains didn’t seem to matter at this time. The silence was continued by me, as I felt breaking it would just be harmful - I did not want to hurt Caroline anymore and she shouldn’t feel emotional tugs from me. In August 2016, I moved into another place with two friends who essentially saved my sanity. These friendships allowed me to trust what was ahead. Practicing guitar and writing (sappy, emotional fragments) got me through some rough times alone. I learned fifty more tunes, self-loathed even more, and performed plenty to deal with the doubt. I even questioned God during the election season; on election night, I woke up at 2:00am to the news that a misogynist became the 45th President. I almost cried. I wasn’t sure what God was trying to tell me in the midst of all this.

December 26, 2016 was when Caroline reached out to me and broke the silence. It was surreal, as I never thought I’d hear from her again. I didn’t think I deserved to hear from her, despite having stalked her to see how she was faring with moving on. I thought she had forgotten about me already. When we spoke, it was cautious yet genuine; we didn’t want to further hurt each other. Though confused, we continued to decipher our relationship. We prayed for clarity and direction, and then we didn’t speak for two more weeks into January to see how we’d feel.

It never occurred to me to ask Caroline to move out here. For her to quit what she started to embrace a new life halfway across the country with me seemed selfish and impractical, so I just never asked her. But, when she brought up the idea herself, I couldn’t help but ask. We began to gently plan for this, and by April she had submitted her resignation and became more ready to move out with me. I just wanted to get her out here as smoothly and efficiently as possible, and she even found a job by mid-June. We jumped through hoops of morals that brought on living together outside of marriage, but we were always able to talk about these issues to a point where we’d agree and strongly hold on through tough times. At the end of the day, more people outside of our relationship had problems with it, and at that point, none of those opinions really mattered to us. Doing what was right for us while asking God for guidance was at the forefront of our minds.

Four years in, I became more of an adult than I ever thought I would - got a job at a natural grocery store called Lucky’s Market to gain healthcare, proposed to Caroline, began wedding planning, and worked as much as I could to provide living space, food, & fun for the love of my life.

Now, however, I find myself in the midst of another new transition. My old habits aren’t dying hard, but about to live fuller than ever. I am going back to Moe’s Bagel to serve my old owners with a new sense of gratitude, serve the hungry Boulderites with a new sense of purpose, and supply my musical talents to the old crowd whom appreciated my little (yet meaningful) presence in this town. This new journey outlines my old one and, while uncertain, I’m trusting that God will provide and that this time will be worth all the while.

[dakotascorner]

2017 Job Search Reflection

My decision to seek a new position

Last December, I realized I was ready to move on from working in Residence Life and to transition into a student advising role within Career Counseling, Academic Advising, or International Student Services. I gave my employer notice that I would be leaving in July in order to pursue a new direction within Student Affairs. I knew going into a third year would have resulted in me not having enough energy that I think is vital in doing a thorough job, so I gave my notice of my leave 7 months in advance so that they could start the search for a new Area Director in the spring and I could begin looking for jobs as well.

Ever since I decided to go into Higher Education, I knew I wanted to start out as a Resident Director where I could have a vast reach across campus and support students and help them to develop holistically, then eventually transition into more specific advising positions and eventually become a Career Counselor. I just didn’t know I would be ready for that transition after only two years of working in Residence Life.

My RAs at Linfield College were wonderful, and I enjoyed getting to work with them throughout my time there, however, the burnout from being on-call is absolutely real and quite taxing. As the Area Director responsible for RA Training, I clocked 90-120 hours during the month of August last year! While on-call for 24 hours/day for 7 consecutive days each month, I was frequently being called in the middle of the night to support the safety/health/well-being of students and spending the following week checking in with them outside of my office hours, as needed. This affected my ability to be completely “off-the-clock” and kept me from maintaining a steady sleep schedule. Plus, the convenience of living on campus and being able to walk to work, also meant my personal time at home included waiting to do my laundry when the machines were available among the students, being woken up by residents upstairs, needing to address concerns in the hall I was living in, and having students come to my door even when I wasn’t on-call.

This is the job I applied for and I knew living where I worked and being on-call would require a lot of energy which is part of why I wanted to start my career in this department, and I loved so much of the work and the direct contact I had with students. I believe most professionals who have worked in Residence Life can easily understand this difficulty of work/life balance, but for those who aren’t as familiar with the tasks of Resident Directors or those who don’t hold duty phones and instead have RAs on-call as the first-responders, I’m sharing these details as a way to better explain and provide insight into one of the main reasons in why I felt ready to switch departments after only two years in the position.

Through assessment, planning, and much better understanding of the campus culture my second year around, I was really proud of the progress we made in training RAs and increasing the efficiency of our hiring processes. My first year, I definitely had a lot of growing pains as I practiced my counseling techniques and improved my supervision skills. I felt this progress led me to a more successful second year, and made me feel ready for a new kind of challenge. I didn’t expect a job search in Student Affairs would be as difficult as it was for me at this stage in my career. I had heard of others in the field applying for 70-200 jobs before landing one, but I thought that was more of an exception like for those who had left the field or hadn’t obtained their Master’s in Education yet. I came to realize that our field is more saturated in employees seeking entry into the profession as well as transitioning among different offices, that make it incredibly difficult to take time away from the field and re-enter, as well as, switch to a new department without significant experience in that role already.

Timing

I have been asked if I regret leaving my previous job before being hired for a new one, and my answer is emphatically “no”. I understand the hiring cycle for Residence Life is very cyclical, as grad students and new employees are looking for positions throughout the spring and summer so it was the best time for the college to be able to hire a new AD from a larger pool. In addition, training and supervising a staff in the fall and then leaving unexpectedly during the academic year is not in the best interest of the RAs when building a relationship with their supervisor, so ethically, I knew this wasn’t a good option to start another academic year and leave before it was finished either. And as I mentioned earlier, I didn’t feel that I would have the energy I expected of myself in this role to make it through another full year as an Area Director.

After leaving my previous position in July, I enjoyed having a summer break and spending time with my family. Throughout the first couple of months of this job search I would tell myself not to worry because I was only applying for positions I was qualified for and knew I was capable and competent and surely that would be recognized eventually by a search committee if given the opportunity to be interviewed. After the first several interviews that didn’t develop into anything further, the words my grandpa repeatedly shared with me as a kid, “never give up, never give up, never give up” echoed in my head as I experienced doubts.

In August I applied for a part-time job doing marketing in town and during my interview for the position I learned that I was on the top of their list and that they were hoping to develop this into a long-term position. The next day I was offered an interview with one of the colleges I had applied for as a Career Counselor and this made me realize that if I were to accept this marketing job there was a possibility I would end up leaving it shortly and they would have to go through another hiring and training process with another person, so I withdrew my application and decided to not apply for any other jobs I was only planning to hold temporarily until I got back into my career.

I thought I would have been able to secure a job by the end of the summer, and had actually made timelines for myself, including dates I would branch out to apply for jobs outside my initial search criteria (location: the Pacific Northwest, departments: Career/International/Academic Advising). When I passed the first deadline, I began applying for jobs in other states, and upon the next deadline I returned my search to the PNW but began widening the types of positions in Student Affairs I was applying for. This still didn’t provide me considerable luck in securing a position. There were a couple of times in which I thought it might be time that I needed to continue broadening my search criteria or even go back to school, or give up all together and choose a different career. But then I would get a few interviews and my hope would return. I had stopped looking for jobs outside of western Washington and instead focused my gaze pretty heavily on the institution I wanted to work at, the UW, as long as they were positions I met the requirements for.

Over the course of my search, I had submitted 57 applications across 34 campuses of 27 different colleges throughout 10 different states. Though, 36 of those applications were for positions in WA and 14 of those were for positions at the UW. After being a finalist but not being selected for a position that was outside of my ideal department at the UW, I seriously began contemplating working abroad again and taking a break from seeking my dream career, so that I could at least have a job again, my own place, a steady income, and health insurance, not to mention give my parents back their spare bedroom that I had been storing everything I owned in and their guest bedroom I had been occupying since July. Then just a few days later, I was told by UWB that I was moving on to the second round of interviews for an on-campus interview for the Career Services position I had already had a phone interview for, and this changed everything. The joy and excitement I felt with the possibility of working in Career Services made all other alternative plans feel like I would merely be settling, and that’s not something I ever want to do. I know I am stubborn at times, and this job search has to be one of the most obvious forms of stubbornness I’ve shown in a while, because giving up does not come easy to me. In addition to my hopeful nature, the people whom I was surrounded by throughout this search kept me from losing faith in this endeavor as they continued to motivate me to keep persevering.

Conclusion

Of all the positions I applied for, I had a variety of phone, video chat, and on-campus interviews for 10 of these positions, and was constantly facing the fact that I didn’t have any formal experience in these positions I was applying to in contrast to the other candidates I was in the pool with. When asking for feedback on how I could improve my candidacy I was consistently told that lack of direct experience in the position was the biggest factor in not being hired, and that committees were hiring people who had already been in the same positions already. It’s such a difficult position to be in: seeking experience and being told that lack of experience is holding me back from being able to obtain that experience.

I am so thankful for the experiences and growth I had throughout my time in ResLife at Linfield and appreciated the support and respect of my supervisor, and loved the relationships I was able to build with some of my fantastic colleagues.

I am very fortunate that my family let me stay with them for the past 5 months while I was houseless and jobless, searching for a new position. I know this would not have been possible without them housing me and storing all my belongings in their home, because I would have exhausted my savings by now and been forced to work in a job outside of my field while trying to apply for positions within my field. And I can honestly agree now with those who have told me that looking for a job is a full-time job in itself.

For me, this has opened my eyes to just how frequently Student Affairs professionals are seeking linear moves, and how incredibly difficult it can be to switch departments or enter the field or enter a new institution. I will forever remember my struggle in making this transition and be intentional in how I help mentor and guide other entry-level professionals in my field as they face these same challenges. I am so immensely grateful for those who kept me going during times I felt doubtful of my future, and will pay forward the support I received as I advocate for others and serve as a resource in their network as they go on to pursue their dreams.