#every weekend when i went to my dads me and my sister would play ac for hours | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

srirachvbi · 4 years

Note

Hey I saw your Bokuto with kids post but since I'm on mobile I have no idea if that's recent or not. Anyhow, I was thinking maybe Bokuto's teenage daughter almost murdering one of her brothers, shes the eldest so she has some power in the house and being the only girl *considering the other female apart from reader is her 2 year old sister* she has become a force to be feared. Maybe Bokuto trying to split them apart and just trying to calm her down. His daughter really just wants to cuddle him.

a/n: thank you so much for your request! I am SO sorry for the really late response, but hopefully I understood your request properly hehe. I had AP exams and had to finish the school year, so I couldn’t really look at requests so I feel bad :(( Anyways, I hope you enjoy reading this!!

Trouble In Paradise ( dad! bokuto koutarou )

word count: 1534

If you had told him back in high school that he would’ve been a father of four by his late twenties, he would’ve laughed in your face because he was convinced that the only thing he’d ever do was volleyball. It had been the only thing he’d put effort into for the majority of his life, so that was his goal. Go out with a blazing trail of fire as he spiked his last ball. The last thing he would see before death was the large court with his teammates surrounding him.

This dream quickly changed the day his first, precious daughter was birthed into the world. She was so small that he felt like he’d accidentally crush her if he held her too tightly-- she was the light of his world. Little Bokuto Kaori had the 6′3, outside hitter for the MSBY Black Jackals wrapped around her tiny baby hand.

As time went on, she wasn’t the only light in his life. Two twin boys born only a few years after her, and his youngest girl born when Kaori was eleven. Since he had a toddler as his daughter was already a teen, he truthfully couldn’t spend every moment with Kaori. It wasn’t like he ignored her completely, but there wasn’t much he could do with her when he constantly had a sobbing baby in the other room. Kotarou hated it, and he wished he could bring her out every weekend-- it just, sadly, didn’t work out that way.

Kaori hadn’t vocalized anything about his attention being on her sister, so he never really thought about it. If she had a problem, he always taught her to be truthful about it and to say it straight out. So, it was a bit of a shock when he came home to screaming echoing through their fairly large house.

He had left the twins and Kaori alone for only half an hour while he picked up (y/n) from the airport, since she was coming back from a business trip. He assumed they would all be fine since they were nine and thirteen; however, he seemed to be severely wrong.

“How could you go into my room and break something?! I told you that you’re not allowed in there!” Kaori hissed, towering over her nine year old brother’s curled up body. Her dark hair hid her furious eyes, but anyone could tell from her body language that she was furious.

“Kaori! Back away from your brother!” (y/n) scolded her as she quickly slipped her shoes off. Leaving her suitcase by the door, she walked over to her two kids and lightly grabbed the teenage girl’s arm.

“Why are you yelling at me?! He’s the one who broke into my room and shattered one of my pictures!” Kaori gaped, shoving her mom’s arm off. “I’m so sick of you two blaming everything on me! I didn’t do anything, and I especially didn’t ask for three other siblings! Was I just too much of a disappointment that you needed to have more?” She exclaimed, tears streaming down her pink cheeks. Her dark (e/c) eyes stared accusingly at her parents, making both of their hearts shatter. Kaori huffed out a loud sigh and made a quick dash towards the stairs.

“Well fuck.” Kotarou muttered under his breath. With little Kana fast asleep in his arms, he slipped his shoes off and walked further into the house. “What happened while I was gone, Sho? Where’s Keijiro?” He bent down carefully, patting his son’s head.

Sho sniffled as he sat up slightly. “He’s in the backyard ‘cause we were playing volleyball, but he got a scratch and I know that Kaori-nee keeps bandaids in her room... So I went into her room to look for them but I accidentally ran into her dresser a-and a picture fell!” He tried to explain, practically stammering with every word. His golden eyes were full of tears, making his father’s heart ache.

“It’s okay, Sho. I’ll go talk to your sister... Can you bring Keiji in and then mommy will help his scratch?” Kotarou smiled, making his son nod hesitantly. With years of strenuous practice, he had no issues getting up with no hands (since his daughter’s in his arms). Holding out his large palm, he helped the nine year old boy up from the floor. “Babe, I’ll go talk to her. Can you take Kana?”

.✫*ﾟ･ﾟ｡.★.*｡･ﾟ✫*.

Taking in a deep breath, Kotarou knocked his knuckles against his daughter’s door. “Kaori? Can we talk?” He asked, resting his ear against the door. Both him and (Y/N) had agreed when they first became parents that if any of their kids’ doors were closed, they’d have to get permission from the kid to open up the door. There would be no barging in— they would give them the privacy that they want as long as they don’t abuse their parents’ decision too much.

“Why? So you can yell at me and then ignore me again since you don’t care about me?” She yelled, her voice muffled from the door in between them.

Koutarou’s heart dropped at her words, and he rested his forehead against the door. “I’m not gonna yell at you,” he said, trying to keep his voice as tame as possible. If he were still as he was in high school, this situation would spiral so much further; however, he knew his kids and how they reacted. He was still that immature, simple-minded ace from high school, but he had matured into a person who he hoped his kids would be proud of. “If you open the door, I’ll teach you how to do a feint~” He tried to lighten the mood.

Instead of a reply, he heard quiet shuffling before the door opened slightly. Kaori’s bright (e/c) eyes meet his and he frowns slightly at how puffy they were. “Are you really gonna teach me how to do a feint?” She muttered, looking down at the floor. Her cheeks were flushed slightly from embarrassment, making her dad chuckle and pat her head.

“Of course! I would never go back on my word, Ri-chan! Can we talk first, though?” He asked, ruffling her long hair. As she slowly pulled her door open more, he walked into her bright blue room. He walked over to her double bed, which was placed in the middle of her room. “Ri-chan, you know I care a lot about you, right? You’re my favorite Kaori in the world~!” He grinned, patting the spot next to him.

Rolling her eyes, Kaori sniffled and sat down next to her father. She still refused to meet his eyes, but it was progress compared to being trapped outside of her door. “What do you want, dad?” She huffed out, playing with her fingers that were resting in her lap.

Koutarou sighed at her serious response and patted her head. “Kaori, there’s nothing in this world I love more than you and your siblings—”

“Yeah, but you love them more!”

“Of course I don’t! Why would I love one of you guys more than the others? You’re all my kids, who I absolutely adore. It may seem like your younger siblings are at the center of attention, but that’s because they’re younger and need more guidance!” He tried to explain without raising his voice anymore. “Kaori, if you walked up to me and told me to stop playing volleyball, I’d do it in a heartbeat! If that doesn’t explain how much I love you, I’m just gonna have to smother you with hugs for the rest of your life, and you can’t complain!” He puffed out his cheeks childishly.

The young teenager looked up from her lap and sniffled at her dad’s words. “You’d give up volleyball for me?” She whimpered softly, unusually touched by his statement. Maybe she got too many of his genes, but what’s the harm in that? The more Bokuto in the world, the better!

“Of course!” He grinned and brought his hand up to her face to wipe away the stray tears. “You and your siblings are the most important thing to me in the world, and I swear on my career that I love you all equally!” Koutarou nodded his head aggressively.

With another sniffle, Kaori jolted forward and wrapped her small arms around her father’s waist. “I love you too dad…”

.✫*ﾟ･ﾟ｡.★.*｡･ﾟ✫*.

(Y/N) sighed as she walked up the stairs to her daughter’s room. It had been a few hours since her husband had walked in and she wasn’t quite sure what had happened. There had been moments in her life with her slightly (read: very) simple-minded husband where he struggled to get the right words out and caused more harm than he meant to. So, hopefully, nothing awful went down.

The door was slightly ajar but she could see the two of them from her spot in the hallway. The two of them were curled up on Kaori’s bed, fast asleep. Her husband’s big arms were cradling his daughter’s body, making (Y/N)’s heart clench at the sight. Giggling softly, she grabbed her phone and took a picture of them.

‘Cuties…’

#bokuto kotaro #bokuto koutarou #bokuto x reader #bokuto koutarou x reader #hq bokuto #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu imagine #haikyuu!!#haikyuu #hq #hq anime #bokutou imagine #bokuto imagine #bokuto koutarou imagine #bokuto kotaro imagine #bokuto kotarou imagine

199 notes · View notes

whattodowithace · 3 years

Text

Title: The Babysitter

Pairing: Byeongkwan x Reader

Writer: Whattodowithkpop [Lio]

Genre: Fluff; Slight Angst

Word Count: 2205

Summary: Byeongkwan took a job as a babysitter, but this wasn’t what he was expecting to happen.

A/N: This is based off the Kdrama ‘My Little Baby’. It’s not exactly dad!ace but I hope you enjoy it none the less.

*****

"Bold of you to assume I'm cut out for this." Byeongkwan glares at Jun, holding an ad in his hand seeking help for a babysitter.

"You need the job, plus you're like a kid yourself, you'll do fine." Jun laughs at the deadpan expression on Byeongkwan's face.

Jun was right. Byeongkwan needed the job, and Jun happened to know someone who was in search of a babysitter. Byeongkwan had never babysat anything in his life, but when you’re pinched for cash you’ll take anything.

“Fine.” Byeongkwan agrees, smoothing out the paper in his hands to read the details.

Byeongkwan dialed the number nervously, doubts upon doubts entering his mind. The phone rang a few times, Byeongkwan letting out a breath he didn't realize he was holding in, thinking he'd luck out without having to actually respond.

Unfortunately for him, she picked up on the last ring, a soft, feminine voice saying hello over the line. Byeongkwan's throat dried suddenly, nerves surging through him.

Jun nods his head at the younger, his eyes wide as he told him to speak through gestures.

The phone's voice asks if anyone was there.

"Yes!" Byeongkwan blurts out, wincing at his own voice. "Sorry, I was just calling about the babysitting ad."

"Oh yes!" She exclaims through the phone. "That's great. Can we set up an interview?"

Byeongkwan took a moment to respond, shocked at her forwardness. "Sure.. Yea, that's fine." He stutters.

The woman introduces herself, asking for his name.

"My name is Byeongkwan." He smiles, feeling more comfortable the more he talks with her, realizing she truly was as nice as Jun said she was. "I'm a friend of Park Junhee."

"Little Park Junhee?" She squeals in excitement, making Byeongkwan laugh.

"He's not so little." Byeongkwan smirks at Jun who looks at him with a shocked expression.

She laughs, bringing Byeongkwan back to her. "That's great! I'll text you after I get off work and we can work out an interview time."

"Okay, that sounds good." Byeongkwan agrees, the pair saying their goodbyes before hanging up.

"That sounded good!" Jun cheers as the two boys continue walking to meet up with the rest of the group.

"I hope the interview goes well." Byeongkwan nods.

Jun gives him a look, an eyebrow raised. "You were so hesitant just a minute ago."

Byeongkwan rolls his eyes. "Mothers are usually very strict and terrifying when it comes to their kids, of course I was nervous. But she sounds nice!"

Jun nods, his thoughts running wild as they approached their destination.

Byeongkwan received a text from his new possible employer. A time for an interview that he was currently waiting at as his hands rubbed together nervously.

He hadn't met the mom or the child he'd be babysitting, which only made his nerves worse as he knocked on the apartment door. He hears a faint 'I'm coming' before loud footsteps approach the door. The door swings to reveal a young woman, a woman much younger than Byeongkwan was prepared for.

"You must be Byeongkwan." She smiles warmly as she invites him in.

Byeongkwan's nerves skyrocket as he walks into the apartment.

"It's nice to meet you." Byeongkwan bows. "In.. In person, I mean."

She giggles at his nervousness, offering him a drink and inviting him to sit down. He does watching her as she prepared some water for the both of them.

"I have to confess." She starts as she sits next to him, handing him a glass. "I called Junhee's sister to ask about you. She and Junhee both had only good things to say about you."

"Oh." Byeongkwan nods, sipping his water lightly.

"They said you're really good with kids." She says. "Haneul is really a good kid, I wouldn't ask someone to watch him if he wasn't."

"I'm glad to hear that." Byeongkwan smiles. "Can I meet him?"

"He's not home right now." She tells him. "He's with his dad this weekend."

Byeongkwan nodded.

"How about we talk about the job some more?" She asks, Byeongkwan agreeing.

The two discuss terms and requirements for some time. Byeongkwan was surprised how forward she was, telling him she wanted someone that would stay a long time so that Haneul wouldn't have to get used to different sitters. She was generous about it and kind with all of Byeongkwan's concerns. With each question asked and answered, the likelihood of him getting hired skyrocketed. And by the end of the interview, that's exactly what happened.

"Byeongkwan." She catches his attention just before he leaves. "Thank you so much, I really appreciate it."

Byeongkwan smiles, some small amounts of excitement bubbling through him. "Of course."

It really didn't take long for Byeongkwan and Haneul to get close. Haneul was as good as his mom said he was, hardly ever giving Byeongkwan trouble. The two of them would play around a lot. Byeongkwan worried Hanuel's mom would get upset the first time she came home and they were messing around with nerf guns. However, she just laughed and made the two dinner. Overall, the dynamics of all relationships were good. Byeongkwan and Haneul got along and played until she got home, she often made them both dinner and Byeongkwan was able to have good conversations with her. Everything had been pleasant and happy! Until the day the papers came.

Haneul's parents were still married up to this point, but the day she received the divorce papers was a glum day. Byeongkwan didn't know much about Haneul's dad, but he knew every time she talked to him she would grow sad and distant. Byoengkwan knew he probably shouldn't have felt a twinge of anger, but he did every time he heard about Haneul's dad.

He hated seeing her and Haneul sad. He hated that the father made them sad. It wasn't until the papers came that he realized how much he started to care for the two of them. As he watched her wipe away the stray tears that fell from her eyes his heart twisted in hurt and anger. Byeongkwan was angry that her ex husband had made her cry. He did his best to distract Haneul from seeing his mom upset, continuing the game of battleship they had started. He was playing the game, but his mind wasn't fully focused on it. He watched as she made dinner, her shoulders slumped as she continually ran her fingers through her hair. Byeongkwan had the sudden urge to comfort her and tell her it was going to be okay. But he was just the babysitter, there was nothing he could do except try to keep Haneul occupied and happy.

She made a quick dinner, not feeling up to making the long meal she usually did. She ate quietly, only speaking when she wanted to keep Haneul conversing about his day. She smiled at him, but Byeongkwan saw the sadness behind it.

They ate quickly before she asked Haneul to go play with the kids across the hall. Haneul nodded as he went, it was often that he went to play with them after dinner, so it was nothing out of the ordinary. She waited before Haneul closed the door before she sighed heavily.

"You don't have to say anything." Byeongkwan breaks the silence, watching some small tears fall over her cheeks.

"Sorry you had to see me cry." She laughs quietly, hoping to lighten the situation.

"It's okay." Byeongkwan tentatively reaches a hand out to her hand, holding it gently. "It's stressful, don't feel bad for crying."

She was able to keep from sobbing, but she was exhausted and Byeongkwan could tell.

"I wanted to ask if you could watch Haneul on Saturday." She starts, looking into his eyes. His heart breaking as he saw them filled with tears. "That's the court date."

"Of course I can watch him." Byoengkwan nods, smiling widely in the hopes it would make her feel better.

"You've been a life saver, Byeongkwan." She looks down laughing again to keep from crying.

Byeongkwan's heart picks up speed at her words as she wipes the tears away.

"Haneul adores you." She looks up with a tearful smile.

"I adore him too." Byeongkwan admits, his mouth wanting to say he adored her as well, but knew it wasn't the time for that.

She smiles a genuine smile. "I'm glad."

That had been weeks ago. It wasn't the last time Byeongkwan witnessed her tears and with each one that fell, his heart fell harder for her. His anger grew hotter against the man that used to be her husband when he stated he wanted nothing to do with Haneul. Haneul was saddened, but he was okay. Unbeknownst to Byeongkwan, Haneul liked Byeongkwan more and was more worried of him leaving him than his dad.

Byeongkwan wasn't going to leave, though. He wanted to protect them both. He grew to love them, but he was worried it would only complicate things. Not only was he younger than her, but he was the babysitter.

He had vented to Jun about it hundreds of times, Byeongkwan frustrated about the whole thing. Jun always told him the same thing.

"If you don't make a move you'll regret it forever."

"But when is the right time?"

Byeongkwan still didn't know the answer to that question. He had hoped the right moment would present itself, but it never did. He feared he would never make his move because he was too cowardice.

It was a late evening, one like countless others they had spent together. The three were eating dinner, Haneul telling his mom about his day as usual. It was no secret where Haneul had gotten his boldness from, his mom had exhibited it on countless occasions. But neither one of them were prepared for the bold statement that came from his mouth.

"I had fun today, Dad." His eyes trained on Byeongkwan.

Byeongkwan's eyes widened as Haneul's stared into them.

"Hanel l, I'm... not your... dad." Byeongkwan stated carefully, hoping not to hurt his feelings in any way.

"I know." Haneul nods, a wide smile on his face. "But, you treat me like the other dads treat their kids."

Byeongkwan looks up to her, his face held a shocked expression as his gaze fluttered between the two.

She stared at Byeongkwan, a thousand feelings rushing over her. She had never payed much attention to how Byeongkwan had treated Haneul, she just knew they got along. But after Haneul's statement, she begin to look back, recognizing the signs. Her mind ran a mile a minute as it processed Haneul's words and Byeongkwans actions up to this point. Now when she looked at Byeongkwan, her heart picked up, joy flooding to it as she realized how wonderful he had been not only to Haneul, but to her also.

"Haneul honey, do you want to play with the kids across the hall?" She asks him, her eyes only leaving Byeongkwan for a second.

Haneul sighs as he gets off his chair. "I know why you send me there after dinner." He trudges to the door, his final statement causing Byeongkwan to choke on air and for her to gasp. "I know what moms and dads do together."

Haneul closes the door, leaving the two in an awkward silence.

It's a few moments before she breaks it. "I don't know where that came from."

"It's fine." Byeongkwan waves his hands in front of him frantically.

Byeongkwan's eyes drop to his lap where he twiddles his thumbs. She watches him quietly, trying to find her next words.

"You treat Haneul like your own son." She states, Byeongkwan lifting his head to look into her eyes.

"He's a really good kid." Byeongkwan admits with a small smile. "I hope I have a son like him one day."

"And you treat me..." She continues, Byeongkwan tensing as he waits for her next words with baited breath. "You treat me like a loving husband would treat his wife."

Byeongkwan gulps nervously, his eyes darting back to his hands.

"Why didn't I notice sooner?" She asks herself, a smile breaking out on her face.

She stands to approach Byeongkwan, grabbing his face gently to make him look at her.

"Why didn't I notice sooner?" She whispers as she looks down at Byeongkwan.

"You... I just..." Byeongkwan stumbles over his words, his voice shaky as he feels the warmth of her hands cover his cheeks.

"I want to protect you. Both of you."

She smiles at him, bringing his lips to hers in a soft kiss, first of many to come for the couple.

The woman from across the hall welcomes the young boy into her home, her own sons coming out to play with him.

"My mom and dad are at it again." He states dramatically.

"Mom and dad?" The mother asks with confusion, knowing about her neighbors recent divorce.

"Yea, they're doing what mom and dads do." He sighs, again, dramatically.

"What do moms and dads do?" She asks him, her confusion only growing.

He leans on his tip toes, beckoning her down with his hand.

"They kiss." He whispers in her ear, going off to play with his friends.

#ace #ace byeongkwan #ace x reader #ace imagine #ace fanfic #a.c.e #a.c.e x reader #a.c.e imagine #a.c.e byeongkwan #a.c.e fanfiction #kpop #kpop fanfiction #fanfiction #Byeongkwan #whattodowithkpopwritings

9 notes · View notes

sierrabinondo · 3 years

Text

2020

damn my last tumblr post is the last day of woodland creatures, did i not do a 2019 wrap up?? i feel like i did. oh well lmao

so, arguably the most tumultuous year in modern history (at least, american history- all pandemic and political events considered) is about to come to a close. it was very not fun experiencing a pandemic as millions lost their loved ones to covid. i was part of the 20% of people that became unemployed as a result of the economy taking a huge dump. i would not want to experience this same year again if it meant that every life lost could be saved. with the year i was given, i made the best out of it that i could.

like every other person on this earth (except for where the virus was already spreading), this year started out normal as hell for me. i was hating my job but chugging through each week, with the occasional show to worry about and then planning our band’s 2020 release plans. despite my salaried job, i was barely making enough to put anything away in savings, forthcoming disney trip aside. i really felt like i was putting in all this work at a full time job just to barely stay afloat and it grated at my soul. i don’t dream of labor, and i only take jobs like this because nothing i am passionate about truly makes money and the marketing jobs i would actually care about are never available to me/never come to fruition after submitting myself for consideration.

disney was a huge highlight of my year despite being deathly sick. i keep wondering if i had covid (i never figured it out), but it sure as hell felt like it. i feel like if i did have it i would have passed it on to jeremiah and his family but i didn’t. i could still kinda taste, but not smell because i had the worst sinus infection i ever had in my entire fucking life. like i know i get them a lot but really, holy shit. i really had it bad. it started when we were in the studio the 2nd to last weekend of february on the last studio day. i had to go back to the studio several months later because i was that unsatisfied with how the vocals came out. i didn’t want to fuck up these releases and have my performance be mid so i was willing to pay to have to re-do everything. i assumed if this was like any other sinus infection, it would go away in a week.

lmao.

i had that infection for THREE WHOLE FUCKING WEEKS. i played a show with that monster sinus infection, and went to disney with it. i went two weeks without meds because i really was convinced it would go away on its own. before we left for disney i finally got antibiotics at urgent care and couldn’t drink most of the trip which sucked. but that finally did the job, and the infection waned when we returned from disney. despite being physically weak, in pain (there was one friday my body pains were so horrible that jeremiah contemplated taking me to the hospital), and leaking snot all over my sleeves the entire trip (LIKE IT WAS THAT UNCONTROLLABLE. I HAD NEVER GONE THROUGH THAT MANY PACKS OF TISSUES IN MY LIFE. I WAS LEAKING SO MUCH I HAD TO LOCATE THE BABY CHANGING STATION IN MAGIC KINGDOM. IT WAS LIKE A SECRET STERILIZED TROVE OF HAND SANITIZER, WIPES, TISSUES AND BABY OIL.) i had an amazing time at disney. and it was my first time going with a significant other so it was incredibly fun. it was also a wonderful opportunity to spend time with his family. the only very not fun part was missing our nephew in the main street parade because some bozos fucked up the info they gave my sister-in-law and we were out walking around when his high school band had actually marched earlier than we thought.

it’s funny, because that weekend after we returned was the last weekend of “freedom” everyone had before lockdown. we were weary of covid while in florida but still living it up on vacation. at that time, there had only been 3 cases in orlando. 3!!!! i had plans to go to a party once home but i cancelled only because i still wasn’t completely out of the woods and 100% well again. i felt so bad cancelling because it was for my friend’s party and she never really did parties usually :( and i thought it wouldn’t be a good idea considering i may or may not have had covid.

then... the following week came.

monday we got a weird email from our CEO saying there was going to be salary cuts and that it was essential for the company to survive a downturn. i pouted but my parents consoled me saying it was better than nothing; maybe look for a new job. and then- i got the nothing! a day or two later, i was let go. and i could tell my manager was absolutely not souped to be giving me this call at all. she literally prefaced it like, “this sucks, but-” and gave me the news. and i was utterly devastated, sobbing controllably, because i was just scraping by on this income to begin with. and i had JUST, finally, received health insurance through this job. i was asked to continue working through friday the 20th, which i would be paid for, and then i would have to return my laptop and any other work materials (like printouts and promo stuff) i had possession of.

that day and the days following i had coworkers calling me or emailing me telling me they were so sorry. i was the first to be let go, and they were kind enough to extend words of encouragement to me. clients i worked closely with, a couple of them around my age, assured me that i could use them as a reference. many of my colleagues were my higher-ups, but were very down-to-earth people. one call that stuck out to me was from my colleague sarah.

sarah was candid with me and said, “y’know how i was unemployed for 6 months?” i knew this well though we had only worked together for a year and a half; it was an important part of her path to where she was in her career now and why she chose it. she continued, “those were the best 6 months of my life.”

and i would come to find out that yes, me too being unemployed was the best fucking time of my entire goddamn adult life.

when i posted i was officially unemployed i had an outpouring of support from my friends, and received enough animal crossing commissions to pay one month’s rent. the first day i finally felt peace was when i was sitting on my porch on an abnormally warm march day playing animal crossing following my last day at my company. it was like the universe was giving me a hug and telling me everything was going to be all right.

what would come was a pretty chaotic couple of months. jeremiah, my roommate and i would stay up until 3 am either watching anime or playing video games, subsequently sleeping until 11 am or noon. pair having fun, drinking (mostly me lmao) and lounging about with the scary realization that thousands of people every day were dying of covid and it could be my high-risk parents. i would cry at night and be so fucking scared. my sibling would tell me my family was being reckless, running unnecessary errands, and whenever my dad showed up to drop off food or necessities i would cry because i couldn’t hug him. i’m even getting choked up thinking about it now. and it was a fear that returned during the second spike around the holidays because it is the loss i fear the most.

amidst this really horrible time, i would play games almost every other night online with my friends and it was so much fucking fun because all of us were either unemployed, furloughed or working from home. we’d laugh so goddamn hard our voices were hoarse. one of my favorite memories is playing quiplash with the creatureposting gang and then my big friends from college. and a really fun night in particular was SIIE release night, i popped a bottle of champagne and got absoluely zonked lmao. every few days i would have something to look forward to, some sort of virtual plans with my friends. this would continue until july when my friends were slowly starting to go back to work.

most of my early quarantine days were as follows: wake up, watch anime, work on commissions for most of the day, order extremely good food for delivery, play video games, and then bed. at one point commissions became so overwhelming i started to get slower at churning them out. though this became a daunting project, WOW it really forced me to become a better artist. and this year i got to spend so much more time drawing, which was fantastic.

one thing i DID NOT spend a lot of time on at all? ugh. MUSIC. FUCKING MUSIC. i barely touched my guitar, stopped writing lyrics after july, and barely completed the instrumentals for about 3 songs. the only thing i consistently practiced was singing (because i would literally curl up and die if i didn’t). do you have any idea how much i blabbed to my therapist in 2019 about how much i would get done if i didn’t work full time and could just focus on my creative endeavors? and then life HANDED that shit to me on a silver platter the following year. i really did nothing insane musically with my time. and now i am really kicking myself for it. if i think about it, it was mostly because i was so exhausted from doing AC commissions, and partly because i was really intimidated about the prospect of struggling through songwriting. now i really wish that i had tried.

one thing i started doing this year was streaming. i originally planned to just do it for fun, because i am horrible at video games and i really didn’t expect much out of it. i thought it would be cool if my friends could watch me play animal crossing. and then i unfortunately learned that this 3rd expensive pasttime is actually really, really, really fun. i started to spend half my week streaming and it led me to either getting closer to some online friends i only talked to a lil previously and making new friends. viewers would ask me if i continue to stream after the pandemic was over, and i enthusiastically assured them i would. and i meant it. even with the difficulties of returning to work and the band playing shows again considered, i really wanted to. i don’t get invited to things anymore anyway, so fuck it if that’s what i stand to lose lmao.

when the curve flattened in jersey i decided to become lenient again and start meeting with my bandmates. we spent the year trying to finish some new material and chip away at what work we have to do for the full length (yes, a full length). we had plans to tour this year and it sucks that fell through. we also had plans to do so much more content during the pandemic and we faltered under the stress of... well, existing in a pandemic. we did finally get to drop a new single though, and the difference in hype now vs when we dropped our last work was incredible. i am so thankful we were able to build an audience with nothing new for two years. i still often beat myself up because god every day i look around me, at our peers, and wonder where the fuck we’ve gone wrong to have such a slow build. and even daily just trying to stand out and prove that we have cut our teeth/deserve a chance is so demoralizing. i feel like it’s even worse than before. i literally have to talk to myself out loud, both alone and during interviews lmao, to remind myself that we truly have accomplished so much. and to take in and appreciate the little positive things. because this could all be over in a second. and this won’t be forever. the older we get the more we are risking for this, both time and resources, and it won’t do to let myself get bogged down over my inner competitive voice. but god it’s hard. like even with new music we still didn’t even TOUCH any of the goal numbers we set for ourselves in may. though we did put out less music than we had planned, and we really hope to change that in 2021 forreal.

there was a single we were supposed to put out this year that’s on hold due to some pending assets but goddamn. if we really don’t break some sort of ceiling with this one i don’t know what will. i have the strongest gut feeling about the next single and in my opinion, it’s the best one we’ve had to date. when we play it at shows, the air in the room sometimes shifts. i’m eager to see what the response is and i’m so ready to push it with everything i have.

fuck this is getting so much longer than i planned i have to try to wrap this up lmao.

with our government stimmy money we turned around and got the dog of our dreams. we figured, i’d be home enough to watch him, and it was finally goddamn time. it’s why we moved into a house and not into another apartment. i was so scared meeting the puppy parents, and totally on edge the entire day. we went out to meet the breeder to test my allergies and see how i would react. samoyeds are not 100% perfectly hypoallergenic, but they were often lauded for being so. honestly? i still didn’t feel confident after two hours with the dogs because the pollen out there was bad (one of my WORST allergies) and i had mysterious hives on my arms i couldn’t figure out where they came from. for months jeremiah and my parents had to calm my nerves and remind me i lived with 3 cats before i moved out (i’m more allergic to cats) and that i would be fine. i had to do a lot of work on myself to get out of my own way about being excited about finally owning the dog of my dreams.

this little fucking boy. i couldn’t believe he was real. neither in the pictures i often looked at about 20 times a day on the breeder’s facebook page nor when we went to meet him. and he was truly, truly perfect. our little shithead. when we went to go pick him out, he sat apart from his puppy pile of brothers, sniffing around the room and trying to rip off his ribbon collar. we locked eyes and he fuCKING APPROACHED ME. i could not fathom any other puppy in the room being brawly. this was the one. we could already tell he was a mischevious smartass, because once he untied his ribbon he proceeded to rip off the ribbons of all the other puppies. but he was the cutest, flopping over on his back when you were near to get belly rubs.

ever since we have picked him up he has simultaneously been the biggest joy in our lives and the most source of stress lmao. that first week, and the next couple, werE FUCKING ROUGH. i had a horrible anxiety attack when i couldn’t calm him for bedtime the first saturday he was home and i was loudly sobbing to jeremiah that i couldn’t handle this shit lmao. he was so scared i was having regrets but i am just a fucking anxious wreck and not used to having a DOG!! this is my first dog!!! but while i can remember what life was like before him i cannot imagine going back. the first time he got sick and we took him to the emergency vet i cried so hard. when he is wagging his tail happy to see me and he looks like a fuckin seal because his ears are folded back it is the best feeling. i’m so excited for when he gets older and we’re vaccinated for covid so that we can take him on so many adventures. he is truly the best.

there is so much more i want to say but this is long as shit. this is even painful for me to read lmao. it’s always been for me, a guy with dogshit memory, to remember everything, but so, so much happened. so i’m gonna wrap up the real descriptive stuff with this.

being unemployed allowed me to just experience life. to wake up each day, enjoy the sun in my backyard, have time to try new recipes, go for long walks, GET A DOG, get better at art, get better at singing, spend more time with friends (virtually), bond even harder with my amazing, beautiful boyfriend, create amazing work with my bandmates, improve at video games, connect with people all over the world, and so much more. all my life i let money dictate my every move. i am insanely privileged to have experienced this but when i had to just live within my means off unemployment i did just fine. i once believed i was perpetually indebted to my employer when i was discarded like it was nothing. i can get a job anywhere and be fine. it strengthened my class consciousness and while i have control over my own destiny it is our country that has so royally screwed us of living the lives we should be living. our lives do not revolve around labor. so until we win the fight and get what we deserve, i will be returning to work next month (full time... in commercial real estate.... again), but i will do whatever it takes to replicate the everlasting feeling of joy i felt this year for the rest of my godforsaken life. if that means struggling for 2021 to build up my twitch channel and the band, working 9 hour days and then streaming/writing music for another 4, so be it. i felt from a young age i was not destined to live a normal life and that feeling has stayed with me no matter how much i have tried to play the game of life as i have been told. i finally have the confidence to pave the life i want.

so, if you are here at this very spot because you read everything, thank you. if you are here because you scrolled to see how long this was, here’s the TLDR of my best parts of 2020:

- tapping out cover

- the 2 shows we played lmao, maybe 3 tops

- disneyworld

- ACNH outside on the porch on release day in warm weather

- making banana bread

- learning how to BRINE meats

- watching anime until 3 am, namely the time we watched pokemon journeys until 3 am

-watching so. much. anime.

-watching livestream concerts with my friends (the chon one was a real good time)

-playing jackbox with my creatureposting friends, the volcano saga (if u know u know)

-playing jackbox with my big friends

-the first time we ever had panchos and juanchos

-finally having sushi again after painful cravings and being grumpy

-the first time we had chinese food again after the lockdown began

-hitting the punching bag for the first time in forever (my dad bought me one)

-the first time we had ramen in forever

-surprising joe with cake at his doorstep for his birthday (we thought he would be the only one with a pandemic birthday lmao)

-playing monopoly and wheel of fortune on the switch, surprisingly having fun

-jeremiah’s birthday

-getting PAID for my ART

-writing + recording ONE (1) acoustic demo

-finally finishing the singles, fixing the vocals

-shooting band promos

-unus annus

-meeting samoyeds

-meeting BRAWLY

-streaming except for the times 13 year olds cyberbullied me

-my birthday when my mom got me a terrifying singing birthday candle contraption and my sibling curbstomped the shit out of it (i was literally crying laughing like that kind of noiseless laugh cause you’re laughing that hard)

- getting the stamp of approval from andrew wells and anthony green

-my friends having their first baby!!!

-dying from thanksgiving charceuterie board

-that week i binged ghibli movies on an hbo max trial and did nothing else

-filling the front porch with plants and most of them SURVIVING the fall, possibly winter but we’ll see in 2021 lmao

- (in general) nailing riffs i fucking sing over and over when practicing but prob won’t get down good enough to sing in front of others lmao

-solo inflatable pool hangs

-thursdays with sarah in the fall playing with the puppy

-the release of the first WSA single in two and a half years

-virtual movie night with sarah watching happiest season

-the music video shoots

-brawly experiencing CHRISTMAS

-receiving really thoughtful gifts from jerry and my parents

-deciding i would work towards being a full time streamer to supplement being a musician

13 notes · View notes

sdottkrames · 3 years

Text

It Must Be Nice (to have Mrs. Potts on your side)

@comfortember Prompt 3: Nightmare

Summary: Peter is staying at the Starks. While Tony goes to the store one night, he has a nightmare. Luckily, Pepper is there to hold him when Tony isn’t.

Notes: While Iron Dad definitely has, like, half of my heart, I adore the entire Iron Fam. I am a firm believer that Pepper and Peter love each other like mother/son, and I had a blast writing a little of their sweet relationship.

Read on AO3: here

Peter grabbed his deodorant and shoved it into a small duffel bag with his clothes, a nervous excitement filling his stomach. May was called into work all weekend, and Tony had offered to let Peter stay with them so he wouldn’t be alone. Tony hadn’t said anything, but Peter was pretty sure he and May had talked about the nightmares Peter had been having lately, and Tony didn’t want him to be alone at night.

It was rather sweet, even if a little embarrassing to feel like he was being babysat, and Peter wasn’t going to turn down a chance to hang out with the Starks. He loved Morgan and Pepper, and had especially missed lab days with Tony.

“Don’t forget your toothbrush,” May called from down the hall, breaking into Peter’s thoughts.

Peter rolled his eyes but checked to make sure he had actually put it into the bag. Sure enough, he found it sticking out the side. “I got it, May.”

May appeared in the doorway. “Just making sure, honey. You excited?”

Peter laughed. “It’s just a weekend at the Starks. It’s not like I haven’t been there before.”

May gave him a look.

“Yeah, okay. I’m always excited to hang out with Tony, Pepper, and Morgan.”

Peter’s phone rang, Happy’s face lighting up the screen.

“He’s here. I love you May!” Peter grabbed his bag, kissed May’s cheek, and answered the call as he headed out the door. “Hey, Happy. I’m on my way down. See you in a minute!” He chirpped into his phone.

“Okay. See you soon.” Never one for many words, Happy hung up, and Peter flew to the elevator, anxious to get to the lake house.

***

“Underoos!” Tony called as he swept out the front door, his arms open.

Peter willingly ran into them, relishing in his mentor’s warmth and closeness. He never ceased to be amazed that hugs had become an actual thing, and that Tony’s good hand carding through his curls felt like the most natural thing in the world. Despite the warmth of the hug and Peter’s thick sweater, the November air was chilly, and he shivered.

“Alright, let’s go inside. I forget you can’t thermoregulate. How’s the heater in your suit working, by the way? You aren’t getting cold on patrols, are you?”

They headed inside, and Peter melted as soon as he stepped through the door. The warmth of the house, combined with the comforting colors of fall decorations and the scent of a candle Pepper had lit, seeped through the cold to warm his entire soul. It was a magical feeling. Peter smiled and took a deep breath before turning to his mentor.

“No, Tony. It works great. Karen would alert you if it didn’t, right?”

Tony narrowed his eyes. “See, I would normally say yes, but after the stunt you pulled in DC, I don’t really know anymore.”

“Well, then,” Peter scoffed, “you’ll just have to trust me when I say I haven’t, and I won’t, mess with her again.”

“Yeah, that’s the problem. I don’t trust you with that.”

Peter pulled out his most potent puppy-dog eyes.

“Oh, now that’s not fair.” Tony glared as Peter grinned, entirely unrepentant.

“Boys, play nice!” Pepper called from the kitchen, and Peter went over to give her a hug. “Are you hungry, sweetheart? Dinner will be ready in about 15 minutes.”

Tony kissed Pepper’s cheek as he passed to the fridge to grab a water bottle. “Want me to go get her majesty? Have her wash up?”

“No, I’ll go get Morgan. Where’s she at? I was surprised I wasn’t immediately accosted when I walked in,” Peter said, his smile too indulgent and full of love for the comment to hold any real heat.

Pepper nodded her head to the back door. “In her tent, playing with her Spider-Man action figures, actually.”

Peter blushed, trying to hide it as he headed out the back door to get his little sister. He stopped right outside her tent. “Morgan! Guess who!” he called.

“Petey!” Morgan yelled as she flew out of the tent and into Peter’s open arms.

“Hey Momo!” he said, kissing her head. “It’s time for dinner. Your mom wants you to wash up.”

“What’s for dinner?” Morgan asked cautiously, preemptively wrinkling her nose as if she already didn’t like the answer.

“I don’t know, but it looked like spaghetti.”

Deeming the answer to her satisfaction, Morgan allowed Peter to take her inside.

“I hear you have some Spider-Man action figures, Mo,” he said as he moved the stool so she could reach the sink with practiced motions.

“Yeah! I have 5! Daddy got me one for every year you were gone. He’d always tell me stories about you. I made him use my action figures to make it more fun.”

Peter firmly kept the smile on his face, though the mention of his 5-year absence made his stomach squirm annoyingly.

He hated feeling so fragile. Nobody else really talked about it, the feeling of turning into dust, the strange sensation of dread and pain and just….slipping away. It felt so unfair that the very DNA that gave him the ability to help others and to heal himself was the very thing that made coming back so much harder for Peter. Everybody else had just painlessly faded away, but Peter had felt everything.

Peter shook his head, turning his attention back to his sister. He turned off the water and handed her a towel, laughing as water droplets scattered on the wall from her erratic hand drying. The mundane detail made Peter smile, and he took a deep breath to dispel the lingering gloominess.

Dinner was nice. Conversation flowed easily between them all, and the knot of anxiety in Peter’s chest unraveled a little. He felt even better after tinkering in the lab with Tony. With AC/DC softly in the background, they spent hours in the basement lab, working on Peter’s web shooters and Tony’s prosthetic arm, and just generally enjoying each other’s company until Pepper came and made them go to sleep. By the end of the night, Peter felt better than he had in months.

He didn’t have any nightmares that night.

***

The next day was a beautiful, fall day. It passed in a blur of helping Pepper around the house, playing outside with Morgan, and spending hours in the lab with Tony again.

As he helped her, Pepper told him stories of Morgan as a baby, which were adorable, and stories of Tony as a new dad, which were somehow even more adorable. He hadn’t felt like he ever found his place with Pepper, but they talked as easily that day as they had the night before and some of his worries about where he stood with her melted a little.

It had been a similar experience with Tony. While Morgan fit seamlessly into his life, it had taken a lot longer before Peter and Tony had developed their relationship. Months of occasional phone calls had escalated to daily texts which led to lab nights that ended in movies and snuggles. Without even realizing it, they had forged a relationship that was akin to the one Peter had with his dad and Ben. It didn’t replace those relationships; the place in Peter’s heart simply expanded to make space for Tony. He hoped it would eventually be the same with Pepper..

***

“Alright kiddo,” Tony said the next night. “Monopoly? Uno? One of those new fangled games...uh...Cover Your Assets?”

“Ooooh. What’s Cover Your Assets?” Peter asked, walking over from the table, where he was stuffing his face with chips and salsa.

Morgan was asleep, and the adults were settling in for a game night. Popcorn, ice cream, and chips and dip had been procured in copious amounts.

“It's, uh, well you try and steal each other’s cards and get the most ‘money’. Let’s play it. It’s fun, and it’ll make more sense after you actually play a few rounds.”

“Yeah, I like that one. Let’s play it!” Pepper called, bringing a bowl of popcorn to the table. The third one. She’d insisted that she knew her boys and that she wanted to actually eat some popcorn, so they would each get their own bowl.

"Yeah, only because you beat me every game," Tony grumbled, earning him a slap from Pepper. He briefly explained the rules again and then dealt everyone in, and soon they were all engrossed in a very intense game. Peter proved to be a match for even Pepper, but he was pretty sure it was beginners luck.

“Tony, Peter literally has all the silvers in that stack, yet you steal from me! ” Pepper yelled. She turned out to be surprisingly competitive, and it amused Peter to no end.

“Pep, he probably has another silver to block it, I’m just biding my time!”

Peter hid a giggle behind his cards, then smugly stole Pepper’s pile from Tony, covering his stack with all the silvers.

“Son of a-“

Tony was cut off by a small voice. “Daddy?”

Morgan stood in the kitchen entryway with tears in her eyes, holding her iron man plushie in one hand, her Spider-Man blanket in another. She’d never looked younger.

“Yes, baby. What‘s wrong?”

“I had a bad dream,” she sniffled. “You...you died again.”

Peter’s heart dropped and the world fell away, sucked into a tiny pinpoint by his thundering heartbeat and ragged breaths. He desperately tried to bring the world back into focus. He was barely aware of Tony standing to scoop Morgan up into his arms, and forced himself to think of that and not his raging thoughts. Mercifully, it worked.

“Well, don’t you worry about that,” Tony was saying, and Peter clung onto his words like a lifeline and was finally able to suck in a breath of precious air. “Let’s go snuggle until you feel better, and I’ll have a little chat with your dreams, okay? Pete was going to win anyway.”

Morgan giggled as she wiped her eyes, laying her head down on her dad’s shoulder. Peter gasped in another breath, earning him a look from Pepper, but Peter schooled his expression enough to look normal.

“Sorry about that,” she said and squeezed his hand.

Peter managed a smile, steadying his breaths and willing the last vestiges of his panic to go away. “It’s really okay. I’m glad he’s able to help her.”

Soon Tony joined them once again. “She’s back asleep. A few snuggles from dad, and she was fine,” he said, preening just a little.

They continue their game, but Peter found his mind pulled away again, wrenched into a world far, far away where his body was torn apart while desperately trying to hold it together. That, or the horrible moment where he heard Tony’s heart stop on that battlefield.

“Kid, you okay?” Tony’s voice once again broke through the static in his brain, and he looked up to see both Starks staring at him with concerned expressions.

“Yeah. Just tired, I think,” Peter lied; mistake number one. “I think I’ll head to bed after this game.” Mistake number two.

Peter ended up winning, creaming the others and gloating about it like a 5-year-old, and then bid them goodnight. He knew they didn’t believe that he was really okay, but they didn’t press for answers and Peter didn’t give them. Instead, he dragged himself up the stairs to his room and got ready for bed.

He hesitated for a second before closing the door firmly behind him. And that was mistake number three.

***

“Do you think Peter’s okay?” Tony asked, bringing the last of the dishes over to the sink where Pepper was washing them.

She gave him a look full of fond exasperation, one he had become too familiar with, and handed him a washcloth to wipe the table. “You worry too much. Peter will be alright. If he wanted to talk about it, he would. He’ll come to you, and you will be there just like you always are.”

“You’re right as always, Pep.” Tony sighed, trying to shake the worry as he methodically swiped up and down the table, brushing the crumbs into his hand.

“Why don’t you go for a drive, Tony. You’ll feel better,” Pepper suggested. “We’re out of milk and eggs anyway. Peter can drink a whole gallon by himself.”

“Hmmmm. That’s a good idea. I’ll head to the store. Let me know if we need anything else, or if Peter wakes up. He’s been having nightmares, too.”

“We’ll be fine. Go. Clear your head, get some eggs and milk, come back, and let’s go to bed.”

“Fine, I’m going, I’m going.”

Tony rinsed the cloth, then slipped on his shoes and out the back door. Pepper heard the rumble of his favorite car a few seconds later as she put away the last plate. With a quiet moment to herself, she sank into the couch with the book she had been trying to finish for months. She didn’t get far, though.

“Mrs. Potts-Stark,” Friday chirped from the ceiling not even a second after she’d finally sat down, eliciting a loud groan.

“Yes, Friday?”

“Mr. Parker seems to be in distress. I believe he is having a nightmare.”

Pepper was instantly up off the couch, flying to Peter’s room without a second thought. She quietly opened the door, letting the soft light from the hallway illuminate the room. In the dim light, she saw Peter thrashing on the bed, his legs tangling with the sheets, and he was whimpering loud enough for her to hear. It broke her heart.

“Peter,” she called, walking over and kneeling next to the bed. “Peter. Wake up, sweetie. You aren’t alone, I promise. You’re safe, Tony is safe. C’mon. Wake up.” She kept whispering to him until he opened his eyes with a sob. “Oh, Peter,” she said, and before she could register what was happening, she had an armful of teenager. Peter clung to her, sobbing. She could feel the tears through her shirt, and she quietly sniffled back some of her own. The pure kid in her arms deserved so much more than the nightmares and heartache he’d been given.

“S-sorry,” he hiccuped, pulling back once his sobs slowed into sniffles.

Pepper took his warm, tear-stained face in her hands, gently wiping the wetness from his eyes. “Peter, don’t you dare apologize. It’s not your fault, honey. Tony always said that you are the best of us, and he’s right. You are so so good, so brave, and you are not weak.”

Peter sniffled and nodded hesitantly, but the lies he believed were still clearly written in his eyes.

Peter’s emotions, heightened from months of nightmares, brought earlier doubts about his place with Pepper to the surface and he couldn’t keep the doubt out of his words.

“But I’m not a little kid, ya know. I’m not even your kid, and, and I hate that you have to take care of me, that I’m so weak, that I-”

“Peter,” Pepper said firmly. She hadn’t realized he didn’t know, but then, she’d never told him. She paused to make sure he was really listening, holding eye contact. “You’re like a son to me, too. I love you so much, sweetheart.” Peter startled a little, taking in a shaking breath. She could see was still holding onto some doubt, so she whispered it again, pressing the words to his curls with a kiss. “I love you, okay?”

He nodded once before falling back into her arms. “I love you too,” he whispered against her shoulder.

When Tony came back from the store a little while later, Peter was sleeping peacefully, curled up against Pepper’s side. He knew immediately what happened, and his heart ached that he hadn’t been there, but that was overshadowed by the gratitude he felt for his incredible wife and the knowledge that Peter would always have a Stark to help him.

#comfortember #comfortember 2020 #mine #i love my iron dad and spidey son #mom!pepper is life

6 notes · View notes

tatavangogh · 4 years

Text

50 Questions Tag

Thank you @penicillinjimin @vante-love and @sweetpeajeon for tagging me!! It always makes me happy to see ya’ll tag me in stuff 💕💜💕💜

what color is your hairbrush? its like tie-dye with orange yellow and pink

name a food you never eat: peas🤢

are you typically too warm or too cold?: Usually too cold because I’d rather be freezing then burning up

what were you doing 45 minutes ago?: working on some assignments for my classes

what’s your favorite candy bar?: snickers!

have you ever been to a professional sports game?: I went to a harlem globetrotters game as a kid, does that count?? 😅

what’s the last thing you said out loud?: “ Can i turn the ac on?” to my mom cause it’s freaking HOT jsdk

what’s your favorite ice cream?: mint chocolate chip (pls dont hate me namjoon!)

what was the last thing you had to drink?: water

do you like your wallet?: yep! It has little gold stars lining the outside and big enough to hold all my empty gift cards xx

what’s the last thing you ate?: hmm it was something last night i think pasta?

did you buy any new clothes last weekend?: Nope! I’m trying to save up money because i went a little crazy buying things when quarantine started

what’s the last sporting event you watched?: I honestly have no idea 😂 i’m not really a big sports person

what is your favorite flavor of popcorn?: movie theater butter!

who’s the last person you sent a text to?: My friend and sister! We send hella tik toks to each other almost every night!

ever go camping?: Yeah during a school field trip in elementary school! One time was like a science trip thingy and the other was kiinda weird lol. We dressed up like we lived in the wild west and made our own butter and stuff

do you take vitamins?: yes

do you go to church every sunday?: no

do you have a tan?: No and lord knows i need one😭 i mean im black so i have a permanent one but still sdkld

do you prefer chinese or pizza?: pizza all day every day!

do you drink soda through a straw?: hmm i dont think i have

what color socks do you usually wear?: grey or black with different designs (my favs are my dino ones!)

do you ever drive above the speed limit?: I don’t go anymore than 5-10 mph above the limit

what terrifies you?: omg what doesnt?? One thing that people think is a weird fear is running out of gas skjd best believe my tank is always full x

what chore do you hate the most?: Doing dishes, omg it feels like its NEVER ENDING the dishes keep coming and coming 🥺

look to your left, what do you see?: my tv, law & and order is playing as always lol

what do you think of when you hear an australian accent?: koalas and the desert

what’s your favorite soda?: sprite!

do you go in fast food places or just hit the drive thru?: recently just the drive thru or curbside

what’s your favorite number?: 36

who’s the last person you talked to?: my sister

favorite cut of beef?: hmm lol i dont know, any cut??😅

last song you listened to?: Still with you by jungkook ( GO LISTEN ITS AMAZING AND BEAUTIFUL🌹)

last book you read?: my elementary math book dsjk trying to figure out how to teach fractions to 4th graders is HARD

can you say the alphabet backwards?: probably not lmao, i would give up by like w or s

favorite day of the week?: Sunday!

how do you like your coffee?: I dont drink coffee but i love an early grey tea or black tea

favorite pair of shoes?: vans!

time you normally get up?: around 8am

sunrise or sunsets?: sunset🌆

how many blankets on your bed?: just one big duvet

describe your kitchen plates?:we usually use paper plates but when we run out we use these white square plates

describe your kitchen at the moment?: Clean! I clean it every morning before and after making my tea

do you have a favorite alcoholic drink?: SANGRIA omg i can drink these by the mfing gallon

do you play cards?: I actually have a solitaire app on my phone!

what color is your car?: Grande is white xx

can you change a tire?: Maybe if i had a youtube video or my dad with me!

your favorite state/province/county/city etc.?: Sacramento, California, it’s where i was born and whenever i visit it just feels so calming and familiar

favorite job you’ve had?: Working at Kohls with my sister, the managers were horrible but my coworkers made it so so fun

how did you get your biggest scar?: On my left hand I have a scare I got when I was taking bacon out the oven dskdj i accidentally touched the oven rack at the top and now im scarred for life, the bacon was good tho!!😂🥓

WOW okay that took awhile djkds but it was fun! Im going to tag- @cozysugaa @kookgyu @mintedmango @tearults @galaxiejoon 💜

#monets mutuals #if you read this all ur amazing xx

7 notes · View notes

purplesurveys · 4 years

Text

734

How was your Halloween? It was a lot of fun - Rita’s sister Torta invited us to her school’s college Halloween party so my orgmates and I planned a whole day/overnight stay at their place. I was Dora, Rita was Kuzco, Tina was Waldo, Blanch was Velma, Jum was Wednesday Addams, but I’ve forgotten what Laurice went as and I still can’t remember even when I’m looking at our old photos rn. The idea of going to Rita’s super exclusive super rich super old money village seemed a bit scary in the beginning skfkfhfg but she made us feel right at home immediately. When was the last time you skipped school? The one time I had to skip class because I was too late to enter anyway was for my PE class lasssst March, I’m guessing? It was either late Feb or early March. What color was the first pet you had? Orange. Have you ever had fake nails? No but I’ve lowkey been fascinated with them lately because of Kylie Jenner loooooool and want to try going to a nail salon to get fake nails. Like at least just for a day or two, just to get a verdict on them. How many vacations have you been on? We’ve had too many to count. I can try counting them but I’ll most likely miss several vacations... I’d say it’s in the 20-30 range, considering when my family started vacationing regularly and the fact that we travel 2-3 times a year.

Have you ever fallen asleep on the phone with the person you like? Yeah, until recently when I stopped having load to call her this is how I’d usually fall asleep. The white noise is soothing. Do you own/want a snuggie? Again, nope. When was the last time you went to a concert? August 2018. The show was actually scheduled for February 2018, but Hayley Williams got like a throat infection and it had to be moved. Which thankfully it was, because we only would have gotten older songs if the Feb show pushed through. Paramore didn’t release After Laughter till May that year. What did you do today? I consoled my girlfriend after she received some bad news, had a big brunch to celebrate my parents’ 23rd wedding anniversary, played Duolingo for a couple of hours, and now I’m helping Gab make a script in Tagalog heh. Do you know anyone who is a total health freak? I dunno anyone who’s an absolute health freak but I have a couple of friends who will order salads and smoothies from time to time. Who was the last person you met? The last new person I met was the eye doctor I had for my appointment. Would you rather save your best friend or your mother from dying? Hate these questions. What color is your mousepad? I haven’t used a mouse since high school. What was your favorite year of high school? Junior year was a lot of fun. It was the first time my circle of friends started to really grow and I finally felt like I belonged somewhere and I was just generally happier that school year. Current favorite song? Don’t have one at the moment. I’m super detached from music these days. Ever had a teacher call on you when they know you're not paying attention? Yeah just once, in Grade 4. I was in the middle of telling a joke and Katreen and I were snickering pretty distractingly at the back, so we rightfully got called out on it. After that I never wanted to not pay attention in class. Would you be more afraid of drowning or being buried alive? Buried alive. You have people thinking you’re dead, you’re locked in a coffin, in total darkness, and surrounded by worms and other creepy crawlies that live underground. I can’t think of a scarier, more claustrophobic scenario lol. Do you wear makeup every day? The complete opposite. Tell me about your boyfriend/girlfriend? :) She writes very well and I love her poems the most; she has an amazing radar for excellent TV series and films and is always accurate about which ones are bound for the Emmys/Oscars; she has random hobbies that pop up from time to time, including mastering the balisong and crocheting; she really loves Italian and Spanish food; and she can sometimes have an explosive temper. Have you ever gone to the ER for something that could have killed you? I didn’t have to be rushed to the ER for it but a low number of platelets isn’t absolutely fatal, as far as I know. All I remember is that I had a 40ºC fever but weirdly enough I felt very well, like I was able to walk myself to the school clinic and make jokes to my mom about going to the mall instead of resting. Should you really be doing something more productive right now? Yes, but shush. I really don’t feel like working on my thesis anytime soon. Do you like pulling all nighters just because? I don’t pull all nighters exactly but yeah, ‘just because’ is pretty much my reason for wanting to stay up till 3 or 4 AM most nights. Have you ever lived out of your car? No but I’ve done something that reminds me of it. In my first and second years of college when I didn’t have friends to see or places to hang at yet, I would stay in my car for all my naps, lunch breaks, class breaks, crying sessions, etc. How many closets are in your house? We have one in every bedroom, so that makes it four. Does your family own more than two houses? I wouldn’t say that. We have this house, and even though my mom still helps my grandma in paying for our old house, it’s wrong to claim it as ours. Have you ever eaten at Olive Garden? No...I don’t think I would be interested if given the chance either. Does your family vote on a lot of things? Not really. My dad has worked abroad for 20 years so he’s incredibly detached from national politics; my siblings are still too young for voter’s registration; and my mom only started voting again recently because I encouraged her to. Before the 2016 elections the last time she voted was back in 1992 if I remember right. Would you marry someone who could never have sex, for medical reasons? I’d be like 23% bummed but I imagine getting over it quickly and easily, so yes. I don’t really actively seek sex and I’m demi anyway, which is under the ace umbrella. What about someone who was guaranteed to die in five years? It’s gonna feel like the Hang the DJ episode of Black Mirror lmao but if our relationship proved to be very strong, then I would. Did you see Paranormal Activity? Yesssssss that was so much fun haha. I’m terrible with jump scares though so I haven’t seen the ending where she [spoiler alert] lunges towards the camera. Who was the last person you texted? I texted a promo code for my service provider hah. I don’t text anyone these days. Do you have a protective father/older brother? Yeah, my dad. Do you go out every weekend? Nope, I don’t really prefer to. My weekdays are usually very busy that I just want to do nothing by the time the weekend comes. Do you drink alcohol or do drugs? I drink sometimes and I guess you could say I take lighter drugs like caffeine, but that’s it. Does it snow a lot in the winter where you live? It does not snow here at all. Where do you go/want to go to college? I had always wanted to go to UP Diliman and fortunately I passed. Do you have any step parents? Nope. Does your cell phone have a full keyboard? It has a full touchscreen keyboard if that counts, lmao. Have you ever had a friend come over when you're sick? No but that’s also partly because I never get sick. Do you like cornbread? It’s okay, but I find it too dry. I’ll have it if it’s like a free appetizer or side dish, but I would never crave it. Do you know what year your mother was born in? 49 years ago. Have you ever been in an airplane? Sure. Is it really late at night right now? Not at all. It’s mid-afternoon.

#survey #surveys

5 notes · View notes

mystic-scripture · 4 years

Note

What other fics are you looking forward to that you haven't mentioned? -R and R

I was so mad because I went to answer this last night and accidentally closed out the page when I was halfway through them!! T~T So!

Here goes attempt two on that venture. So I have a few, some of them are really old stories I wrote pre-tumblr that I want to write again/ redo. Some are entirely new and I can’t get them out of my head.

Mystic’s Evergrowing List of OCs (which will be a gifset soon, as well as plot bunnies)

1. Andrea Wilson in Redemption By Earth (The 100 Bellamy, x Oc)

Andy was a pain in the ass who had a penchant for getting herself caught up in various pranks and shenanigans throughout the Ark. She also was known as her dad’s perfect student and learned everything she could about surviving anything. Wanting to follow in her dad’s footsteps, she works towards becoming a member of the guard, and even makes it to some of the final steps towards getting the training. Then she is arrested after she is drugged and framed for the murders of two other members of the guard. Her mother doctors adjusted her documents and bought her more time. Granted, she was stuck in solitary, but she was still alive, and then she is put on the ground with 99 other teenagers and a stowaway adult.

All the training her dad gave her, and now it would all be put to the test.

2. Zamora Singer in An Untitled Supernatural Project (Dean x Oc)

Her original summary*:

Zoe’s only memories of normalcy burned the night her mother died in the nursery of her younger sister. Then her dad joined up with an old Marine buddy a few weekends down who fell under the same circumstances. It was a rebirth for the Singer and Winchester families. When Sydney and Sam run away to school, Dean and Zoe work together on and off while John and Benjamin did the same. Then they didn’t hear from them. So it was time to bring both families together and figure out what the hell was causing the common thread between them.

3. Rachel Dawes in An Untitled Supernatural Project (Sam x Oc)

Her Original Summary*:

Rachel Dawes was a country girl who didn’t have a Daddy, the remains of him his beat up old car in the shed. When she was sixteen, and trying to run away from home, she found his journal and old hunting notes. Little did she know that the woman who raised her was a stepmother and that she had a far more sinister background that she thought. It certainly explained how she was always able to read people so well.

*so the reason I say original summaries is because these are from old stories I was co-writing with people that I have since been unable to write with. But I really love the characters and want to have them be partners.

4. Lillian Greenly in Not Your Average Lass (Boondock Saints Murphy x oc x Conner love Triangle)

Lillian is born and bred Boston Irish. She went to church, she went to work and she was respectful to her brother after their parents moved back home. She spent her nights hanging out with her favorite Twins and their Italian Package Boy (well…man, he was too old to be called a boy anymore) at their local bar where she occasionally helped as a bar back. Then came that fateful Saint Patrick’s day that had them getting on the wrong side of the Russian. Lilly wasn’t surprised by much, but when she is given a message from God to become a Vigilante with her boyfriend and best friend, that throws her for a loop. Still, she answers the call. Little did she know that she also would learn about the divine intervention that would enter her love life.

5. Emily Hendrickson in Just Passing Through (Haven, Duke x Oc)

Emily was a pain in the ass, plain and simple. She finds out she has these powers, or ‘trouble’, as her family called it, and she became even more of a pain. Stealing, pranks, and smuggling goods to and fro, you name it. Her best friend didn’t help with this, so after a few years,she decides to try and get out of the life. She goes on a hunt for her missing dad, but what she finds sends her right back to her childhood ways, only this time, she knew what she was doing, and the troubles were back.

6. Natalia Petrova - The One Exception (The Boys, Frenchie x Oc)

Talia found Billy Butcher at a time where their hatred for Supes was matched, sometimes even contested. Having lost her brother to their Compound in an attempt to be the runner of The Seven, she worked with Mallory to find work towards a common goal ;Tear down the pedestal Vought put their heroes on. Expose their lies of being Divinely chosen, of being the best humans that exsisted all of it. Then she and Frenchie mess up, and their handler suffers for it. After their failure with Mallory’s family, Talia undergoes a personal mission after Vought herself.

Little did she know she was going to play into Homelander’s secret plot and become the thing she hated most with some stupid Genetic Marker that she shared with her Twin. Barely Escaping from his plan, she finds her ringleader, doing the best she can to hide her secret. Everything she believes in is put to the test when they agree to help Hughie, and she is forced to face the mistakes of her past n order to finally avenge her brother. Afterall, not all Superheroes are created equal, and every Villain thinks they’re the hero

7. Ace/ Sophia in The Replacement (6 Underground, Billy/Four x Oc)

Sophia was One’s ace in the hole when he came to his little band of misfits, a sort of insurance for the risks that he may or may not have assessed properly. Geared with Photokinetic Reflexes and an Eidetic Memory, she is paired with each member of the team to learn their skills so she can slide into whatever Position was needed. This goes without a Hitch with the CIA spook, the hitman, and even the Doctor. The Driver she was friendly with, but still professional. No, the problem came with the fourth member, the Skywalker. It’s thanks to him that she learns how to run freely through more than just car chases and escape routes. Hiding their connection from the others, the pair must come to terms with what they want more, their purpose in the team, or each other. Oh, not to mention that the whole reason the team is together in the first place is to start a Coup in Turgistan.

8. Genevieve Marks - Untitled Lost in Space Project (Don x Oc)

He was the Schemer, she got everything done, Marks and West were your go to team to get whatever you wanted to the colonies. You needed something fixed on the Resolute? Done, they needed to earn honest money somehow. Then Gen is selected to stay on Alpha Centauri and settle in the colony. Making plans to set up shop while the opportunity presented itself. The team is met with a new challenge when a Doctor who claims to be someone she isn’t highjakcks their Jupiter, and they crash. Now, they have to navigate their way on a new planet, all the while trying to avoid the bitch. Oh, and they’re also raising a Chicken together- Which trust me, was the last thing Gen would expect.

9. Jenna Miller - Untiltled Triple Frontier Project (Ironhead x Oc )

There is not a lot here…not much of a plot, or a FC, but she is Ironhead’s Wife and puts herself into the situation to stop her Husband and his friends form killing themselves in the name of one final mission. She runs Communications and Drone Surveillance.

So..yeah sorry for the long post!

#asked answered #oc asks #riley ❤️️#rhuben 💜#raging violets #thanks so much for asking #feel free to ask me about any of these guys #plot bunnies #so many of my characters

2 notes · View notes

rogertaylcr · 5 years

Note

its alright if its long! i asked bc i was curious, id love a long answer

OKAY HERE IS THE SUPER LONG ANSWER, it’s self indulgent and, dare I say, Boring as shit -- but it’s the full answer to how/when/why I started drumming -- it is also 1.5k words long so it’s under a read more

so I started like drumming in a serious way i would say like a year and a halfish ago which isn’t a super long time I know but theres a tediously long story behind it which you asked for so don’t blame me for how long this is cause dude i know it’s long

The why of it is actually pretty short though. So my house is a music house, my mom plays a bunch of instruments and sings and my dad listens to a bunch of music so theres a lot of musical passion (even when theres no talent necessarily). As a kid, like 3-4 like EARLY memory, I remember listening to bohemian rhapsody and hearing the drums specifically, which idk if this is universal but for a lot of songs for awhile i just didn’t hear the drums as like part of the song really, and with bohemian rhapsody they were just so clear, like i could hear the heartbeat of the song. (this was the first song I felt that with but definitely not the only one, baba oreilly was another one that i made me realise the life of the song comes from the drums) When I was .... like 6-7, a beatles doc came on MTV and I saw Ringo drumming during the early beatles years and he was standing and stomping the hi hat and bass and there was just so much movement and power behind it and so much more fun in my opinion than the other instruments and i was like “i wanna be the one giving songs their heartbeats”. The more i got into a bunch of other, new and old, bands the more i was like This Has To Be Me. I had always been a fidegty person who was drumming to shit anyway but like the idea that that could translate into like something palatable and musical and entertaining and LOUD was News™ to me and I wanted to do that, but at the time I only knew a bit of piano and like a single chord on guitar and, like a lot of people’s parents, my parents saw creative fields as really unstable/unrealistic so I was like “well obvious it would be nice to be a loud drummer but I’m going to be a business person” (this is how cynical i was as a child).

the WHEN of it is a longer story, like it isn’t actually cause the actual answer is that i’ve been seriously drumming for about 1.5 years but theres like more to it imo

When i was in the third grade, instruments were compulsory at school so we all had to choose and buy one to learn on as well as basic piano lessons. I wanted to play the drums as “my instrument” at that time BUT my school didn’t have the budget or the space really to accommodate that (i would've had to buy my own kit and haul it to and from the school which didn’t make sense for me to do for someone who hadn’t ever touched drums) AND they didn’t have a teacher that could really teach drums, our percussion section was just a xylophone and some cymbals it was a school of like 2000 kids so :/

So I learned clarinet and then when i was 10, in the fifth grade, my older sister’s friend stopped playing saxophone and got permission to bring her drums in. We only had an orchestra so our teacher had to write her music for/with her which was cool but anyway. She left her drums at school and i knew her and so while i was supposed to be in the practice room playing clarinet i was trying semi-fruitlessly to drum. I knew i wanted to drum by any means necessary but like I was 10 and since i had no guidance (and no proper sticks i was using xylophone mallets) I didn’t think I was “good” at it and when we moved away I took that as a sign that it wasn’t meant to be.

When we got to america I joined school bands (as in orchestra/concert band) as a clarinet player once again, I still wanted to be drumming and i was in a public school by then so i had access to like “school drums” but I was so far behind the not-self-taught drummers in the actual band that I just like decided I had to focus on what I was already good at which was my art and dove into the upper level art program which like GOOD cause that made life worth living but it also meant the only time I could drum was when I was at this one friends house or had access to the band hall and like I just couldn’t keep the improvements i’d made, like i’d perfect a song and then have zero access for a couple weeks (except to like stand alone snares but :/ ) and i’d have to start over essentially and it was SUPER discouraging and it made me feel like I wasn’t making any progress

In the meantime I was trying to get my musical fix by learning guitar/piano and piano came back to me pretty quickly (its gone again now) but guitar like.....you can’t hit it lmao, piano i could slam the keys how i wanted to and get that really great loud resonating sound and i could stand to play and get more movement out of it but guitar is tedious in a way that other instruments aren’t imo, like the sound is loud but the movement is very precise and i never had the patience for that

when I got to college I really had to focus on my art especially the first two years, I literally lived in the studio (im not exaggerating, the students in my major and I had a janitorial bathroom set aside for showering) so pretty much all of my hobbies got tossed aside those two years it was grueling, fun but also hell

Junior year came and i had like 30% of my time back and i was like considering switching majors. I knew i didn’t want to do animation but also you can’t just switch into music at a university, you have to be pretty accomplished already and percussion at my school is HUGE like i would’ve had to be roger himself to have a chance of switching in. On top of that the degree isn’t super useful so I now have my Bachelors of Science. But by junior year i KNEW i didn’t wanna do that, I knew i wanted/i want to drum so I.... licherally................went to the library and printed like 50 pieces of paper each with three flyers on them and cut them up and put them up ALL over campus essentially begging for access to a drum kit. I could only afford like a couple hours on this one guys kit every few weeks for one semester (and then the following semester i did a semester away, they had drums at the school there but i only got access like a total of 5 times) so when i came back to america I did the exact same thing, I put up flyers in the music building and eventually i found a girl who let me use her drums for free all year, she gave me access like last august? I think? and just now has packed them away in the last month or so, and i would literally go into this tiny stuffy unairconditioned room (that had an automatic light timer so i’d be in the dark halfway through a song ahsdkhajkda and a couple times the heat got to me and i had to go outside and sit in my car w/ the AC before coming back in ahdjkahdjkasdjka) and drum for about 6-8 hours MWF and maybe like 3-4 hours T/TR which i know isn’t as much as some people but like I had school work still so I couldn’t do too much more. (it worked out great cuase i only took 7 hours my last two semesters so it was like something i could do while all my friends were in class and they weren’t open on weekends so my social life didn’t get fucked up) and like i know i haven’t been drumming drumming that long comparatively to like normal people who start at age -2 and are born with a snare in their laps but you spend that much time each week doing something and you’ll get good you just like… have to and I like where I’m at right now, I think I’ll always have super severe imposter syndrome abt my skill level b/c of how long it took me to get here and being an overcritical perfectionist doesnt help but yeah

i really dont think its a coincidence that my coming out (to myself) coincided with when I said “fuck it im gonna play drums come hell or high water” but SUPER LONG AND OVERLY DETAILED story short, I heard roger drum and said “if i dont do that ill die” and then when i finally had the resources i drummed myself into multiple heat strokes and i recently saw roger live so the universe rewarded me for all that shit

#AND THERE YOU HAVE IT #my boring journey to mediocrity #im sorry if its like hard to read i don't do well with 'punctuation' ahsdkadkja #personal #ill probably delete this later cause its kind of annoying asdhajksdhasj #Anonymous #asks

2 notes · View notes

annethecaptain · 5 years

Text

70 horrible questions ... Fuck it

tagged by @fondlybuck (thank you no one ever tags me!)

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Yes and No. It’s complicated because they’re separated, but I got sick and had to move back in with my dad, and them my mom showed up after being mostly gone for 14 years to “help out” and it’s just, not great. I’m greatful for the help but OMG I need to get independent ASAP for my own mental health. 

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? My cat.

 03: Do you regret anything? Soooooo much. I wish I could be one of those “no regrets” people but having an anxiety disorder and a toxic family and a long term illness/disability means I can’t be one of those people. 

04: Are you insecure? About some things yes, about others no, and then there are the things that depend on the day. 

05: What is your relationship status? SINGLE. I’m asexual and aromantic so that’s my preferred situation. 

06: How do you want to die? Assisted suicide. Whether I’m 35 or 85 I want to go out on my own terms, unless I just go painlessly and unaware in my sleep.

 07: What did you last eat? Banh Mi and Milk Tea 

08: Played any sports? hahahaha no 

09: Do you bite your nails? not any more thanks to my high school best friend (thanks Amy!). I had her whack me every time I went to bite them and stopped pretty quick because of that lol 

10: When was your last physical fight? I was maybe 16? But some stuff happened when my sister was an active substance abuser later so I guess I defended myself up until like 20-21? 

11: Do you like someone? nope 

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? yep 

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? yesssssss 

14: Do you miss someone? too many people and so much 

15: Have any pets? two cats who are my saviors 

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? complex, worried, driven, anxious, pessimistic, hopeful, sad 

17: Ever made out in the bathroom? nope 

18: Are you scared of spiders? depends on the spider but yes mostly

 19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? yes 

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? I tried making out with a dude once when I was 17 (it was boring and I am deffo ace) and it was at a cafe in SF afterhours since he closed up for the night. pretty sure some tourists saw us haha 

21: What are your plans for this weekend? chill 

22: Do you want to have kids? How many? no way

 23: Do you have piercings? How many? nope

 24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? history and anthropology, which I ended up double majoring in for undergrad

 25: Do you miss anyone from your past? so many people

 26: What are you craving right now? health and financial stability and independence and purpose 

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? I don’t think so? 

28: Have you ever been cheated on? nope because I’ve never dated 

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? nope as I’ve never had one

 30: What’s irritating you right now? my body and the american healthcare system and capitalism

 31: Does somebody love you? I don’t think so? 

32: What is your favourite color? GREEN 

33: Do you have trust issues? yes 

34: Who/what was your last dream about? my dad ate all the cream cheese chive and green onion schmear my mom and I had just made (two whole tubs!) and I got really mad and yelled at him. We laughed about it this morning

 35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? my dad and accidentally my mom because she came home when I was crying, and she made me stop immediately

 36: Do you give out second chances too easily? no 

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? neither 

38: Is this year the best year of your life? no 

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? 17

 40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? I’m sure as a kid but not as an adult 

51: Favourite food? don’t have one 

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? no 

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? put topical pain stuff on my neck and shoulders as per usual 

54: Is cheating ever okay? depends what you define as cheating. usually no but for example my parents have been separated for decades but are still legally married and both have had relationships since

 55: Are you mean? apparently no but I think I need to be more assertive dealing with the health stuff and my mom 

56: How many people have you fist fought? two

 57: Do you believe in true love? no 

58: Favourite weather? stormy 

59: Do you like the snow? love it 

60: Do you wanna get married? no 

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? no one calls me baby so IDK

 62: What makes you happy? health, my cat, stability, knowledge 

63: Would you change your name? I hate it so yes 

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? I don’t know where he is or what he’s up to as it’s been over a decade but I wouldn’t really care

 65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? tell them I’m flattered but ace/aro

 66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? I don’t have any friends at the moment 

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? my dad and before that the guy I got Banh Mi from. I don’t talk to a lot of people right now regardless of gender 

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? my therapist? 

69: Do you believe in soulmates? no 

70: Is there anyone you would die for? not a human, no

Tagging anyone who wants to do whichever questions they want.

OP was @livixdunne but it’s a dead link and I couldn’t copy-paste in the ask reply so giving credit here.

1 note · View note

stephenjaymorrisblog · 5 years

Photo

Love In Hell

By Stephen Jay Morris

Monday, February 25, 2019

It was the Summer of ‘69 and I was all of 15 years old. Life, at that point, had become a major exploration trip. I’ve laid out the details of that summer in my manuscript entitled, “Hidden in the Rotunda.” This article focuses on one Monday, that of July 28, 1969.

I went to my first Love In at Griffith Park, which took place at the popular “Merry-Go-Round” area, in 1969. During the Summer of Love, back in 1967, there had been a Love In at this exact location. By that time, the term “Love In” was laughably passé. About 500 people had shown up, clad in their head shop-slash-thrift shop, chic clothing, posing for the news media. The gathering was comprised mostly of art fart types who hadn’t had enough time to grow their hair long. But some of them had long sideburns and the females were sporting Carnaby Street fashions on their svelte, white bodies. Groovy, baby!

A couple of years later—1969—the unwashed masses amassed in this hilly, city park. Not only did the so-called Hippies show up, but there were also Bikers, Chicano gang bangers, homeless people, Krishna devotees, drum circle freaks, Anti War activists, Black Panthers, and New Left activists. It was an outdoor party and it was freaking me out, man! Oh, yes—the pigs (cops) showed up in full riot dress.

I don’t recall how I initially found out about this event. Maybe it was through an ad in the L.A. Free Press, or a friend had told me about it. In any case, I went. It was summer vacation and what better way to spend it than by going to my very first Love In!? I asked my friend, Philip, if he wanted to go, but his parents said “No!” My parents? I just told my mom I was going to visit my friend and I’d be back in time for dinner. What I didn’t tell her was that I’d be with a few thousand friends! My dad, well he couldn’t give a rat’s ass about what I did on vacation. Matter of fact, the longer I stayed out of the house, the happier he was; shit breath didn’t love me at all. Only my mom cared.

It was mild for a summer day; the temperature topped out at 71 degrees. One thing I hated about summer in L.A. was the humidity. It was typically cold in the morning, so you’d end up having to carry your jacket around almost all day. I remember wearing a work shirt that once belonged to my grandfather. In knew my dad resented me for wearing it, but he never said anything. Go figure.

I left my house on Martel Avenue. Looking north to the Hollywood Hills, there was the familiar, brown haze of smog. In the wintertime and early spring, and sometimes in autumn, the view of the hills was crystal clear. Once, a few years earlier, I saw snowcaps on those hills, just after a rainstorm.

I walked eastward down Beverly Boulevard toward La Brea. I was planning to take the public bus to the event, using my student discount card. I wore my Levi’s jeans, a black Tee shirt, and black deck shoes. I’d put on boxer shorts as well, although a lot of “hip kids” didn’t wear underwear. I had my grandfathers work shirt on over my Tee shirt.

Now on weekends, buses kept different schedules than they did on weekdays. They came just once every hour and stopped running at midnight. By then, the oil companies had ruined public transportation in Los Angeles. I waited and waited on the northeast corner of Beverly and La Brea. Four gas stations flanked the intersection: Texaco, Chevron, Exxon, and Gulf. L.A. was indeed a “car town.”

Hitch hiking was the standard “hip” mode of transportation. It was viewed as an expression of collective sharing among your brothers and sisters; just like sharing a jug of wine or a joint. Taken to the extreme, there was the sharing of your boyfriend or girlfriend in the name of “Free Love.” As a rule, I didn’t hitch hike much. Middle-aged perverts who wanted to suck my cock would often pick me up. On the other hand, I didn’t want to wait another hour for a bus, so I stuck out my thumb and hoped for somebody who was heading for the same destination as I was.

Ten minutes later, a 1949 VW Beetle ambled up the street toward me, a trail of smoke behind it. At the time, a lot of young people painted their VW bugs with colorful floral designs and symbols, such as the Peace sign. Well, this little car was a real wreck! It looked like it had been entered into and ejected from a demolition derby. One taillight was cracked, a door was taped up, and the paint was peeling with age. The body was covered in dents.

But, you know what they say: “Beggars can’t be choosers!”

The door opened and the driver asked, “Griffith Park Love In?”

I said, “Yep!”

He jubilantly replied, “Get in!”

A passenger closed the door behind me. The driver looked like a college professor from the 80’s. He was a white guy in his 40’s with shaggy, curly hair and an unshaven face; his specs sat halfway down his nose. The radio was on; a vintage A.M. model with one speaker. It was tuned in to some Top 40s station; a teenybopper song was playing. I think it was “Baby I Love You.” When it ended, the DJ announced loudly, “That was Andy Kim! Going up the charts like a shooting star! Now the news! Headlines: Nixon says 25,000 troops will be withdrawn out of Vietnam in a couple of days!”

What I hated about VW Beetles was that noisy, sputtering engine and the smell of gasoline. I prayed we’d get to our destination soon, before I got asphyxiated! Thank Buddha, somebody lit up a doobie, which effectively covered up the gas odor. Hey, I would have been happy if somebody had simply burned some incense!

Someone from the back seat addressed the driver, “Hey, Dean! Are you going to that Woodstock Arts and Crafts festival?”

He blissfully replied, “Hell, yeah. I’m going!”

I asked, “What’s Woodstock?”

He laughed and answered, “Only the biggest concert in the history of humanity! It is going to be bigger than the Monterey Pop Festival two years ago. I heard the Beatles are showing up!”

Somebody said from the back seat, “I heard the Stones and Dylan are coming, too!”

I asked, “Where is this going to take place?”

“Upstate New York!”

I replied, “Oh.” I thought to myself, ‘They’ll be lucky to get Joni Mitchell to play at an arts and craft festival. Whenever I think of an arts and craft festival, I think of the Renaissance Fair. My dad took the family to that fair once and it reminded me of an outdoor mental institution. No thanks!’

Driving south on Los Feliz Boulevard reminded one of how poor they are. There were these giant mansions built in the 1930’s, worth millions upon millions of dollars! Even the Art Deco apartment buildings looked luxurious.

Finally, upon arriving at the Mulholland Memorial Fountain, I knew we’d arrived at the entrance to Griffith Park. Just a right turn on Crystal Springs Drive and then north to the park.

Today, though, was different. For the first time since I’d driven there with my parents, there was a traffic jam. Lines upon lines of vehicles, of all different shapes and kinds, were backed up to Los Feliz. Those inside were mostly collage-aged kids, smoking grass and banging on tambourines. Crystal Spring Drive was a two-lane road next to the side of a hill, a distance of about a mile and a half to our destination, the Merry-Go-Round. At a grueling 10 miles an hour, it took us about 25 minutes to get there! It was 11:35 a.m.

Only three bands were scheduled to play the Love In. They were “Ace of Cups” (stupid name), “Sons of Chaplin,” and the “Jefferson Airplane.” In December that year, I would see The Airplane perform at Altamont Speedway’s tragically-iconic, free concert in Northern California.

Behind the Merry-Go-Round, there was a small meadow in which hundreds, if not thousands of people, had gathered. An area had been set aside where the band would play; not an elevated stage or platform, just open, flat ground. This area was on an incline, so mostly people who located themselves far from it could see the bands. All of this was set up behind the public bathroom building.

I walked alone among the throngs of smelly Baby Boomers. There were peddlers selling everything—and I mean everything! I came across one member of the Black Panther Party selling his party’s tabloid, “The Black Panther.” I’m glad for that; all of the misinformation I’d been told was dispelled later that night.

Cops were strolling among the crowd. There were some kids walking around butt naked. This was supposed to be for making a political statement. If you’d asked me, I’d have said it was just good old fashioned expositionism! If you’d seen their bodies, you’d have hoped they were arrested! A cop would yell to one nude dude, “Hey! Cover up or you will get busted for indecent exposure!” The lawbreaker quickly tied a shirt around his waist. As soon as the fuzz left the area, he got naked again. It was the same thing with pot, which was still illegal in those days. Some cops would tell a pot smoker, “Put that stuff away or I will have to run you in!” Overall, the cops wanted to avoid any rioting.

The Chicano gangs were drunk on wine and barbiturates, or “Reds.” The Bikers stood by their Harley Davidsons while they got drunk on beer. The more they drank, the more pugnacious they got. Fights broke out everywhere. Ultimately, the event was more like a “hate in” than a Love In. What I could never understand was why Bikers attended every Love In or Antiwar protest if they hated Hippies so much! I suppose it was for the dope and the chicks.

The Hippies were just toking on weed and passing around gallon bottles of Red Mountain wine. Sharing like this was a sure way of getting Hepatitis C. I avoided the ritual as much as possible. The Hippie chicks had this proclivity of dancing by themselves. They looked like blow up dolls in the wind. Alas, everybody was compelled to express themselves in those days. It was a great argument for Fascism.

Oh, there was music…sort of…kind of. Two bands were playing your generic twelve-bar blues. Then came the Airplane. But, every song they attempted to play was stopped in the middle. Why? Because the sound system sucked shit!

I got bored and left. As I looked at the crowd for the last time, I thought, ‘This is not going to last. Most of these kids will get married and have kids financed by their careers. By the 1980’s, they will become Republicans.’ I wish I’d written that down. Who is going to believe I ever had those thoughts? No one.

I took a bus home, had dinner, and went into my room. I read “The Black Panther.”

I’ll say this, it was the most interesting Monday I’d ever had.

#60's music #60s #baby boomer generation #poets on tumblr #@anarchism #Poetry Slam #hippie #stephenjaymorris #jefferson airplane

2 notes · View notes

dandelliongirl · 4 years

Text

New year

And a new decade!

Wow, what an original title.

My Christmas vacation was amazingly cozy. I spent the 23rd-27th of December at home with mum and dad. On the 23rd me and mum went to the flea market to buy yarn and thin knitting needles for my bunny plushie project. We also found an adorable winter themed PowerPuff Girls duvet cover that I got to have in my bed for the holidays.♥

On Christmas Eve I got to watch morning cartoons on mum’s new sofa in my soft Oodie. We spent Christmas Eve traditionally having rice porrige for breakfast, going to take candles to the graves, going to the sauna and having a delicious dinner of smoked fish, salads, roast, mashed sweet potato, fried carrot and parsnip, and a dessert of home made gingerbread ice cream. Then we watched From all of us to all of you and handed out presents. My photo book was a big hit and made both mum and dad tear up. They both loved their moomin themed presents as well. I got Jamie Oliver’s VEG cook book, a radio for my summer house, a face wash from the Body Shop, and some gloves that got mixed up with dad’s at some point. Now mine are pink and mum has a purple pair. My dad also got me a 100 square meters of protected forest that will by law be kept in its natural state forever, which is an incredibly magical and special gift. ♥

On Christmas morning we woke up to the most beautiful snowy landscape and a calm little snowfall. Me and mum shovelled the driveway and went for a really long magical walk to the beach and around our area. The beach was full of little lanterns and candles burning in the snow. In the evening I started knitting my bunny plushie with the instructions found on the book I got at grandmum’s place. Mum helped me get started but I made her entirely by myself. By January 19th she already has a face too, with only a few details missing.

On Boxing Day me and dad drove to see the cousins and mum went to see granny and grandpa. It was really good seeing my cousins again for the first time since I think last Christmas (?), and dad’s cousin visited my aunt that day as well, so dad and his sister got to see their cousin as well. Me and my twin cousins finally made a Whatsapp group, which will make keeping in touch a lot easier.

On the 27th I came back to the apartment to spend some time working on my projects (and play some Sims..). My guy came back home on the 28th and we opened the rest of our presents. We got some cute kitty mugs and some (less cute) moomin pillowcases. I got new socks from my guy’s grandpa and my guy got me the brick oven bakery and the pizza delivery set of Sylvanian Families! ♥ My guy loved his Otamatone and we’ve had a lot of fun with it. ♫

We spent the day before New Years with my twin cousins who came over. We went to a trampoline park and Burger King, and played some Smash Bros Ultimate and Mario Kart. Then we spent about 4 hours until 2 am playing Overcooked. One of the twins works at a fast food restaurant so he was really damn good at coordinating our team. We decided that we would only accept 3 stars and had to spend a lot of time on some of the stages, but it was a blast. My guy is really bad at communication and team work though (heh, sorry) so it sucked for whoever was on his side. My cousins left on the morning of New Years Eve, and our friends came over around 6 pm. We made pizza, talked, went to see the mayor’s speech and watched the fireworks. For once the weather was completely clear and comfortably warm so the fireworks were a lot of fun. After midnight we spent the rest of the night until 6 am playing a quiz game, cards against humanity and Overcooked. I’m so glad I went back to work on the 7th and not on the 2nd.

My New Year’s resolutions this time are to continue working on my crafts and finish at least 2 of them, to only buy recycled items (apart from a couple things that I’ve planned on and needed to buy for a while), trying to spend a plastic free July (no single use plastics or plastic packaging), continuing my photo project with at least 3 photoshoots, working on my grimoire and finishing at least 12 pages, continuing to play the piano and get better at reading sheet music, spending the coziest and witchiest summer at my cottage/summer house, reading/listening to books and stretching/body care. A lot of these are things that are already habits and a part of my life so they aren’t that big of a deal even though the list is long. Mainly my resolutions are there just to push me to continue creating. I have set a date around midsummer/Litha to check my progress. So far piano has definitely already fallen behind so I need to try and pick that back up real soon. I have my new pile of sheet music books to start with.

So my winter has been filled with cottage visits nearly every weekend. At Christmas we went for a bonfire and carols. We have been feeding lots of little birds, walking in the nature and even went ice skating last weekend. This winter has been almost entirely snowless and very warm, and the birds are already singing and starting to nest even though it’s only January. There is no snow on the lake ice so last weekend my mum, dad and I had a perfect private skating rink with some magical sunshine and beautifully frosted trees. These are the moments that make winter worth it even though the lack of snow makes everything so dark, which makes me so incredibly sleepy. Luckily the days get about 7 minutes longer every day. It’s already almost light out when I leave work. Only 3-4 more months until we get to spend more time at the summer house, and soon I’ll be out there on that lake on my SUP board. That place truly heals me and helps me remember what's important in life. Nature is always beautiful no matter the weather, and everything over there has a purpose, unlike in the city.

Almost all of my apple seeds sprouted, and every one of my first saplings has already died from what I suspect is the lack of light. Some of the second batch are still alive, and I’ve got a third batch to plant. Hopefully those will make it to be planted outside. I even picked up a board from our cottage shed to make a windowsill in the kitchen for the saplings.

My guy and I have been enjoying our second playthrough of the Witcher 3, this time on the Switch. I love laying on the sofa all warm and cozy in my Oodie and working on my crafts, or putting photos in an album while he plays. Our PC playthrough was tedious because I had to sit down and do nothing through hours of gwent or side quests. Now I get to lie down and work on my own projects during the side quests. The PS2 era graphics do bother me a bit, but the story is immersive enough and the cutscene quality is not reduced too bad.

The first 2 weeks of work have been pretty decent. I’ve even had a couple of good days. ☼ I’m about to start a rough spring of trainings for both staff and teachers, which will be mentally exhausting, but I will try to keep myself busy with hobbies, and enjoy the coming spring to the fullest. January has already flown by, which is both exciting and scary. As for working out, this spring I’ve got a lineup of body combat, the occasional 45 minute guided meditation class (which I love because last week we had a body scan meditation and that’s my favourite type), HIIT ‘45 whenever I can leave work early to go to class, and ballet.

Yesterday we celebrated grandad's 90th birthday. Lately I’ve been really sad thinking about my aging grandparents. I recently went through my old post cards because I’m planning on making some crafts with them, and while doing that I found all of granny and grandpa’s letters and post cards and got some very emotional flashbacks to my childhood and the stories grandmum used to tell me. After a few glasses of cognac grandpa gave me a really emotional and sweet speech about how proud he is of me and how he remembers the time the swing in their yard broke down from under me and the times he taught me how to ski. He has truly taught me to never give up and be resilient in everything I do. I love my grandparents so much and I want to try and spend as much time with them as possible. It is so unfair that we never get enough time to spend with all the loved ones... Regardless, happy 90th birthday to the best grandpa. ♥ ♥ I love you so much.

Speaking of family and celebrations, I was asked to be a bridesmaid to my friend whom I've known since kindergarten. It is an incredible honor and I really can’t put into words how special it is to have someone who’s known me since I was 4 years old - and now she’s getting married! I will do my best to make her day special, but it is a lot of stress and pressure on me - especially as I’ve never planned a wedding and I’ve only been to 2 in very recent years. Her other bridesmaid got engaged the same week as she did so they are both planning on getting married the same month. We’ll see how that goes, and if one of them has to postpone their wedding or not, but regardless the other bridesmaid won’t have as much time and focus for my friend as I will since she’ll be planning her own wedding at the same time.

I think we only have 61 or 62 days until Animal Crossing New Horizons, and still no AC direct. Instead we’ve had a Pokémon direct and a Smash Bros direct.. If preordering seems worth it and/or there is a Switch console bundle I’ll take the 20th of March off work to go get it in the morning. We were planning on taking a trip to Japan this spring but we’ve postponed it until the autumn since the Super Nintendo World will be opening in the summer, and my guy can earn some money at his summer job.

Me and my friend were going to have a photoshoot today but the weather isn’t great (it’s very windy) and she had a weird stomach bug last night so we postponed. Instead I’m trying to finish up some odd to-do list jobs so that I can start preparing for Imbolc. It’s coming up so fast, but that’s also very exciting. ☼

#personal #diary #January2020 #memorial

0 notes

philcoulsonismyhero · 7 years

Text

So here’s the thing. I graduated a couple of months ago. I now officially have a BSc in theoretical physics. But it’s an ordinary degree. It’s not an honours degree, and it’s definitely not the MPhys degree that I should have gotten. And that’s because I failed. I failed a lot of exams, and didn’t sit other ones because there was no point in putting myself through the stress when I knew for a fact that I was going to fail again. And that wasn’t being defeatist, that was being realistic. So after four years at university, I got an ordinary degree.

After four years of university, I had planned to have a masters degree.

But I failed. I fucked up. Because of a whole raft of circumstances relating to only getting my autism diagnosis after royally fucking up my second year of uni and then being fucked over by the uni’s disability service and just generally having no idea how to study because I never needed to before. I aced school. I did extra exams every year that they would let me, and I got straight As. And I barely had to study at all. Then uni comes along with its ‘self-guided learning’ and lack of the structure that had let me thrive at school, and I crashed and burned. I went straight into second year because of my straight As in my final year exams, fucked up third year, was thrown into fourth year anyway. A retroactive interruption of study after the first semester of fourth year went as terribly as you’d expect did no good, because then I had even less structure. Repeating fourth year (now actually in my fourth year at uni) was a non-starter. I ended up not doing half my exams because there was no point. I only got a degree out of the whole mess based on accumulated credits from 2nd and 3rd year.

I didn’t try my best, I didn’t work hard and fail anyway, I just failed. And I’m slowly trying to convince myself that that’s okay. It happens. Sometimes something you thought you’d be great at turns out to not be for you, and that’s okay. Sometimes the standard path through life isn’t for you because you have a disability and that means you’re not a standard person. A type of learning might not suit you, and that’s okay too.

And I’m getting there. I’ll eventually maybe be okay about the whole thing. It’ll help once I actually have an idea of where to go from here, because right now I’m directionless and it’s big and scary and difficult to process. And I’ve got people in my corner who’ll support me regardless of what comes next.

But then every time I’m starting to think that being okay is an achievable goal, I remember that my dad exists and he’s being utterly fucking useless and is in fact actively causing me more stress than any other thing in my life right now, and suddenly I’m Really Not Remotely Okay.

I’ve seen him four, maybe five times in the last year? The most recent time was a couple of months ago in May, around when I’d made the decision that I wasn’t sitting my last batch of exams because there was no point. But it was for only a few hours over lunch and his fucking girlfriend was there so the sum total of things I was able to say to him as my parent was two sentences about that decision before the subject was changed. Because he might as well be a stranger when Lynn is around. She’s definitely a bloody stranger, that’s for certain. I have tried to find something likeable about her, something we could talk about, anything to move her from the category of ‘adult stranger’ to ‘significant other of person I care about’, but nope. There’s nothing. And when she’s around, my dad isn’t my dad. He’s her boyfriend. It’s jarring and unpleasant and there is a reason that I’ve gotten so angry and uncomfortable that I’ve had to just straight up leave when I was supposed to be spending time with them.

And what has my dad done about the fact that I did something so enormously out of character not once, but twice? Absolutely fucking nothing. He’s not even mentioned it, not once.

And do you know what else he hasn’t bothered to do? Ask anything at all about what my uni situation is. All he knows is that I didn’t sit that last set of exams. Did he bother to ask about what that meant for my degree, or whether I’d be graduating at all, or even think that maybe I might be graduating and there would be a possibility I’d want him to be there? No. No, he didn’t. For the record, I got my degree in the post. There was no way I was celebrating something that as far as I’m concerned is a failure, not an achievement. But does dad know that? No. He didn’t even bother to find out. No thought whatsoever for the slim possibility that I might want one of my parents at my graduation, no thought that I might feel bad about not achieving what I set out to and it might be nice to have some parental reassurance.

I have gotten absolutely no communication from him since that one day in May when he and Lynn had lunch with me and my sisters. A lunch I very nearly didn’t go to because there was a very distinct possibility that I’d end up storming off for a third time.

And then yesterday morning I got a text. A text that was quite clearly sent to all three of us (my sisters and I), asking when we were going to be free over the August bank holiday weekend, and that was it.

I don’t think I want to see him? I don’t think I can deal with hanging out for a few hours and letting him pretend he’s being a parent, all the while completely avoiding any topic that might require him to have a conversation that’s even slightly emotionally engaged. I’d like to have a proper conversation with my father, maybe even yell at him a bit because he quite frankly deserves it, and if that’s not going to happen then I don’t want to see him.

I want my dad back. I want to go back to the couple of years where I genuinely would have found it hard to choose between my parents if it had come to that. Because the man that shows up once every few months to play act being a parent quite frankly isn’t worth my time.

But I don’t know what to do about it? And that’s the worst thing. I have no idea how to confront him, no idea how to communicate any of this, no idea if I’m even capable of yelling at him because I spent so long playing mediator and being the quiet and reasonable one that I’m straight up physically incapable of raising my voice. I was Mum’s shoulder to cry on, the person Dad could complain about Mum to, the eldest sibling who acted as a buffer and reassurance to my sisters, and somewhere along the way I either lost or just never developed the ability to shout at people. Along with ‘learning’ that shouting never solves anything, that getting angry is counter-productive, that dumping your emotions on someone else is selfish and might hurt them more than it helps you...

I was fifteen when my parents actually divorced. Meaning that the years and years of build-up to that, the years and years when I was the mediator stuck in the middle? I was even younger. I was a child. There’s nothing fair about that. And it’s almost definitely why I didn’t even realise I had problems of my own until I was at university, because before then I’d been to busy dealing with everyone else’s shit to pay attention to myself.

And another consequence of that is that dad has never actually lived with me while I’ve been having problems. He’s just showed up every few weeks (later months) and spent a few hours with me, during which time I was more concerned with spending time with the parent that I missed horribly than talking about any issues I was having. So he’s just. Oblivious. He hasn’t bothered to try and understand the true nature of my circumstances, the actual consequences of my having a disability, the fact that I genuinely have trouble with things that he’s just been assuming I’ll be capable of doing. It’s not nearly as simple as ‘you’ve finished uni, now go get a job’. But he hasn’t bothered to understand and I don’t know how to make him understand and it’s all just building up and stressing me out and it’s Not Fair. It’s not fair and I deserve better from him and it makes me want to fucking throw things because I can’t even scream about it because I Can’t Be Loud and my throat will physically close up on me if I try.

And I hadn’t realised how fucked up that was until I saw a post about that being something that’s a thing for abuse victims. In my case it’s from years and years of being the Sensible And Level-Headed Mediator but I just. It brought me up short, that post.

I don’t process negative emotions very well. Oftentimes I can’t tell what they are other than ‘not good’. But right now I’m tired and I’m sad and I’m angry and they’re all feeding into each other and it’s got to the point where I have to work really hard to not start crying whenever dad comes up in conversation or something reminds me of him.

And I just. Needed to try and get all of this down and release it into the void because never talking about things that upset me is one of my worst bad habits, and it’s going to take a lot of chipping away and working at it to break it. And I need to break it, because it’s not doing me any good at all.

#(i'd appreciate if you didn't reblog this)#personal stuff #please don't feel that you have to read this #it's 1700 words of yelling into the void about why i'm so stressed right now #i just. needed to get it out

17 notes · View notes

prqltothesql · 5 years

Text

Think I’m gonna start keeping a diary/journal just to track my day-to-day - Entry 000000

I’m going to at some point do one of these as exposition so if anyone is insane enough to read these and you don’t know me, you’ll know who I am.

About 3 months ago, my dad had a stroke. As strokes go, this was a mild one that has had many short-lasting effects but nothing serious. The initial hit was mild facial paralysis on his left side as well as slurred speech due to tongue deviation. He’s been working hard and his face is getting a little tighter, his speech is 1000% improved from after his stroke. He’s noticed other issues, like his left arm and leg were bothering him and definitely not as strong as they once were. The underlying cause of his stroke was his diabetes. He aggressively does not go to the doctor and is not good at taking care of himself or paying attention to his own needs. So his A1C sugar was off the charts. When it’s a 7, doctors are like, hey that’s getting high, you should knock it down. He was a 12.7. The doctors were stunned that his stroke was so minor. So he’s started on diabetes medication as well as blood pressure medication. No insulin shots, no needles, he’s pretty healthy other than that. But as far as his blood pressure goes, he’s super stressed about everything. Prior to his stroke, he was a nightmare. He’s recently gotten into this funk because he noticed his ex-wife, who was our stepmom, who walked out on us 8 years ago and divorced him 5 years ago, is in a band and is playing out. He’s a musician and prior to me going to college, he was always playing out. Then I went to college and got a job and had a life and he had to give all of that up to raise my sister, who is 19 now. Figures as soon as she gets out of school and gets taken care of, he has a stroke. But anyways, he stressed about everything. Our house is almost 80 years old and has a thousand things wrong with it. We have 3 dogs that are good but still need taken care of. He stressed about everything. He was always mad, he was always planning projects that needed to be done, and then while I was at work, would do these projects and then yell because he was doing them on his own when I literally could not help because I work a 9-5. The two weeks prior to him having his stroke, my sister had wisdom teeth surgery and he was incredibly stressed out about that. I even stayed home to help and he still was stressed and all freaking out. The day he had his stroke, he was going on a trip to the mountains by himself, and his truck has no AC. So he wore jeans, a long sleeved shirt, ate nothing, did not hydrate. He drove through DC in the middle of the day and he said he was hot. Then he got to the mountains and as soon as he got there, he began gathering firewood without giving himself a minute. As soon as he started, he noticed something was wrong. He was way way overheated and did not eat, did not hydrate, his blood sugar was super low. He said he stopped in Front Royal and got a soda and a bag of cheese puffs or something. Not water, not a meal. And he could barely talk. Even now if he says too many “B’s” his mouth gets caught up on itself and he starts mumbling a little.

So anyways, my life prior to this: I work a 9-5 job as a web developer. They’re flexible on hours which is great and they understand family which is great. But I’m gone 9-5 Monday-Friday. There was one time I had to stay till 9 or 10pm but that was another issue. lol. I also taught band. I had been with one school, MHS for 5 years. In the last year, I had also joined up with CSW and was going to make a transition from one school to another because I was getting burnt out and needed something new. Unfortunately that meant 2-3 nights a week, I left right from work and went to band. Most of the time without a second thought as to what was going on at home. And then mostly every Saturday I was gone all day. So two days I had to help him and get caught up around here, I was unable to do one of them. So I was very very little help and I was gone a lot. When I was home, I just wanted to relax. Plus it’s not like I was off having fun, it was like a second job to me. The time and stress I put into it was crazy. The miles driving back and forth on my car.

My sister is a complicated situation. She hasn’t been tested in years but I’m sure she has a learning disability that may even be autism. She graduated HS where she was an integration B student and I think she was such a handful that they just were done with her and gave her a diploma to get her out the door. She has no future or hope for a future. She’s not going to school, she’s not working. She mostly just stays at home. He claims he has to babysit her which is a stretch, she’s self-sufficient, she’s just like a plant. She’s not gonna go anywhere or do anything bad. She’s not gonna cook with a flame, she’s not gonna make coffee or go swimming or go anywhere. She’s gonna sit around on her phone or play video games. That’s it. But she’s little help. Not good with motor skills, not good with following directions. Her mind is the proverbial steel trap. Once something gets in, it’s hard to get it out. If she has a certain way of doing things that she has decided on, you can’t get her to change easily. she’s incredibly routine oriented. Couple that with the general teenage “I think I know everything and I don’t listen to anyone” and she can be a handful sometimes. She also can’t reason with the things she does. She’ll do something stupid and if she can explain her thought process, I could reason and say, “Well that was dumb, but here’s why.” Otherwise she shrugs or says, “I don’t know,” and that annoys the hell out of me.

So two days after his stroke, I quit band. He had a nervous breakdown that carried over into the next day and started yelling at me about band so I just up and emailed both schools and quit on the spot. I’m pretty sure I ruined several friendships and my own reputation, but that’s the way things go. I had to do it. Since then, I’ve done a handful of things on my own, but I’ve mostly been here. I go to work, I come home, I cook or help cook or get dinner, and then we eat and I hang out and then go to bed and do it all over again. I ha.ve no girlfriend, I have no friends, most of my friends do band anyways. On the weekends, I’ve been doing chores, praying that he can hold off and not force himself to do them and nearly kill himself (which he’s done) and I can get to them. One day a few weeks ago, he went outside and vacuumed the pool and was out there for an hour in the sun without eating anything and he nearly passed out and took a 3 hour nap on the couch. Then he woke up and was snapping on everything and everyone. It was crazy. So I’ve been trying to make sure he doesn’t do that... doing things in the evenings or waking up and doing them before work.

Also I mentioned our pets. We have 3 American Eskimo dogs, Angel, Wolfie and Ty. They are white and fluffy and also shed everywhere. They say dogs take on their owners. Well Wolfie is kind of my sister’s dog. He’s stubborn, hyper, doesn’t listen, is annoying. But he LOVES me to death. I’m his playfriend and buddy. And he can be the absolute sweetest dog but he likes to fight with the other male dog Ty. Angel is my dog. She’s exactly like me. We’re both kind of fat. She’s very smart, she keeps an eye on everyone, she always wants to know what’s going on. She’s very sweet, she’s well trained, she’s in a great routine with me. She’s very chill and relaxed. My dad’s dog Ty, he’s gone insane. He used to be calm and nice, at my dad’s side no matter what. But something happened, we don’t know what, and he’s not the same dog. His front feet splay out wide and he can barely walk now. He’s going blind so he can barely see sometimes, especially if it’s bright out. He’s stubborn and annoying. Won’t listen, always fighting with everyone. Just like my dad. lol. We also have a cat named Butter who is old but is a little sweetheart. She used to be neurotic and anti-social but now she’s a social butterfly and is really lovey with everyone. Me and Rachel mostly take care of her. She likes my dad and he likes her but it’s a tenuous relationship. lol.

There’s some exposition, so now I’ll journal yesterday and a bit of this morning.

0 notes

dad-power · 7 years

Text

My Story, Part 4

Author’s note: None of this is meant to be mean or vindictive, but a true and accurate accounting of what has happened after My Story, Part 3. It’s been almost 6 years since I posted Parts 1-3.

Catherine’s mother and I have always had a decent relationship since she left two and a half years ago. We’ve been able to co-parent effectively and keep civil. I wouldn’t say we were friends, but we would send each other pics of our daughter, go to her birthday parties, chat frequently via text about her, etc. We got along great and as far as co-parenting, we were doing a lot better than most exes.

Imagine my surprise when, a few days before Christmas, I get served at work with a custody suit. She was going for full custody of my daughter plus child support.

Up until this point, for virtually our daughter’s entire life, we’ve shared custody. It’s been equal, 50/50 straight down the middle. The way it should be. Study after study shows it’s the best way for children to get through a separation. Except for cases of physical abuse, drug use, etc., I’m a huge believer in shared parenting. Why not?

Back when we were working on our parenting plan and had it nearly wrapped up, she said she was going to run it by her female attorney friend to dot the “i’s” and cross the “t’s”. I begged her not to because I knew what would happen. Female divorce attorneys will not stop until you are living out of your car.

Meanwhile, I had been going through some financial troubles. My ex-wife takes a big chunk of my income in the form of child support. My salary is in the high 5 figures. With taxes, support, SS, and medical, a whopping half of my salary is gone before I see my check. This is what I am up against.

Money matters are not something you want to make public. But it wasn’t because of a drug-fueled spiral; I simply didn’t make enough to live on my own after everything was taken from my check. When I show people the numbers they all understand and are totally sympathetic to it. The numbers don’t lie. Most of them were surprised I wasn’t living out of my car.

She sent me an email explaining her reasoning. In a nutshell, she said I’m unfit to parent because I’ve run into financial difficulty. She also doesn’t like how I parent in general.

I begged over and over via text and email for her not to take any more support because it would put me in a worse situation than I already was. I asked her how taking this would be beneficial for Catherine. How would taking more of my income away with 3 kids benefit our daughter? Ironically, in her pleadings, it stated I wasn’t able to care for Catherine financially, but here she was, taking more money out of my paycheck. It didn’t make any sense. I was met with no reply to these questions, and finally, an email threatening harassment.

I’m a great dad. I don’t do drugs, I don’t stay up all night playing video games, I don’t party, I rarely drink. I have a steady, stable career and have only changed jobs twice in the last 20 years. I love my kids more than anything. They are my life. I just want to be left alone to raise them the best I can with the resources I need. I am not a crazy and unfit parent.

So now it probably looks like she has done a heroic thing: Rescuing her daughter from her horrible, drug-addled Daddy who can’t get his shit together. I am sure this is what everyone thinks. The reality is quite different. There are always two sides to a story.

A little history

Back in 2011, we met through my sister and had a fun, whirlwind relationship. Then she abruptly broke up with me after 4 months. No real reason, she just got tired of it and said we weren’t a good match.

There were no hard feelings, and since her job as a real estate agent wasn’t producing, I helped her get an internship at a major ad agency where I had worked for almost 10 years. Then she told me how she was flirting with the 70-year-old CFO of this agency several times and secured a full-time job there.

I thought it was strange that she was constantly coming by my desk chatting with me, and I was very close to telling her to leave me alone, but...

... one afternoon she came by my desk with a note that said she was pregnant. In all honesty, had no idea who the real father was because she had broken up with me, telling me to give her “space” and was hanging out with her ex-boyfriend, calling into question the paternity. She claimed it was mine and I believed her, but at the same time, her actions did not make me trust her much. I found her ex-BF’s contact lenses in her guest bathroom while we were “dating”, and there were several other odd occurrences like that. None of this is meant to be ugly, but it was happening and I had no idea what to think.

But we carried on as friends and I was glad she had a full-time job. At least she would have an income. Despite my instincts telling me to run away, I stayed friends with her. Despite my friends and coworkers advising me to tell her to go away, I stuck with her. I was not going to abandon her and our child.

We started getting closer, and paternity was established. We hung out every weekend at my house, working on the room for the baby, painting the crib, etc., and fell in love again. She asked me if she could move in. I did what I felt was the right thing and welcomed her into my home.

The time around Catherine’s birth was just amazing. Our relationship was better than it had ever been. I absolutely adored her and loved her more than life itself. Life was really good. I thought maybe it was going to turn out beautifully. It was magical, probably one of the best times of my life.

But when Catherine turned 2, she moved out. Then she came back 4 months later. When Catherine was 3, she moved out again, then came back again. Then after some counseling with our pastor, she said she couldn’t commit so I asked her to move out, which was the last time.

But that’s all in the past. She’s in a serious relationship now and they seem like a great match. It’s awesome and I’m truly happy for her. As long as he’s good with Catherine I’m fine with it.

Custody

The whole custody dispute was very hard on so many levels. After 2 years I was healing and moving on. The suit just ripped the scab open again. I wanted to continue our good co-parenting relationship for Catherine, but it was like a switch went off with her and she made it impossible to be civil. It was awful to see our relationship destroyed.

Normally, if an ex with whom you had an amicable split with and got along with is having financial problems—a person you loved, shared intimate moments with and raised a child with—you would most likely say, “What can I do to help? You’re her father and this affects her also. Let’s find you a decent place to live. Let me help you somehow.” There wasn't a huge event that broke us up, and even though it hurt me, it was fairly mutual in that we both knew it was pointless to continue. But nothing happened to create this sudden change in her.

But sadly, It was all scorched earth and horrendously ugly. I was immediately an adversary. I was unstable and unfit to parent. I had tried over and over to show her hard financial numbers but was ignored.

At one point during our negotiations, she told me she would never change her mind and threatened to give me the bare minimum time with Catherine if I didn’t agree to pay her child support.

According to my lawyer, she fired her first attorney for being too nice. She also forced me to take a drug test. I happily took a 14-panel test and passed it with flying colors.

I was prepared to go to trial and had a 90% chance of keeping our 50/50 schedule. Again, all I wanted was equal time. I wasn’t going for full custody. I just wanted to share equal time with her mother.

Several different attorneys advised me that status quo for 2 years and the mother’s history of moving out on us were my aces and would be hard to beat, but the judge ordered mediation at the cost of $1000 a day plus my attorney fees. That was it for me, the end of the road. I didn’t have the money. So I caved and signed the agreement. At this point I just wanted it to be over.

We were together for 4 years. I will never understand the hatefulness and the unwillingness to be reasonable, and the complete lack of empathy towards the father of her child. I will never understand how her heart could become so hardened that she would do something like this. When I have no money, I can’t do certain things with Catherine. That includes necessities. I don’t know why this is was and is so hard for her to understand. All I wanted was to be left alone to provide for my children and have financial security.

Looking Forward

The last 7 years of my life, I have been humbled, changed, refined. I am not the same person I was before. And for this I am thankful. I am choosing to go forward positively. I pray for her. This isn’t a self-righteous prayer, but a prayer that she is happy and successful. Because it does affect our daughter. I do pray for her heart to soften. I also pray for myself that I continue to stay humble and loving towards her. I do love her and want her to be happy.

I’m going to continue to be a great dad to my kids.

God wants us to TRUST in Him and REST in him. I’m choosing this path.

The other night I had Catherine on one side leaning against me, and Daniel leaning on the other side of me. Both of them adore me. My children love me. They know I’m a good father. That’s all that matters.

God will provide for me as he always has. I am getting back on my feet one day at a time. God is good.

1 note · View note

wmucradio · 7 years

Photo

Q & A with Gabrielle Smith of Ó (formerly Eskimeaux)

On April 12th, I attended a show at the Black Cat featuring the band formerly known as Eskimeaux* as the opening act, followed by Why? It was the first time I had been able to see Gabrielle Smith and her gang perform live, so I was very excited. The show was incredible, and the band was very tight. Every pause or idiosyncratic beat was facilitated expertly by Felix and Gabrielle, followed by head nods and curtsies between Oliver and Jack. The band is a joy to watch live, as you can see and feel their chemistry in every song. The set included many of my personal favorites, along with a few previews of new material. Following their set, I met with Gabrielle for a “brief” interview that ended up lasting over an hour. I can only speak for myself when I say this, but our correspondence felt more like catching up with an old friend than it did an interview. Gabrielle Smith is honestly one of the most pleasant human beings I have ever had the pleasure to meet. I have transcribed questions from the interview below.

*Since this interview, the band has changed their name to Ó. This came to fruition following a confrontation with Inuk throat singer, Tanya Tagaq, in which she made clear that the term “Eskimo” is considered derogatory by much of the Inuit population.

Q: What music did you grow up on?

A: When I was growing up my parents were really into Carol King, the Carpenters, and I grew up in choirs. So I was always performing, thinking about, and singing really weird hymns. A lot of Hallelujah and stuff like that. And my grandma is a pianist, so she would always play really good classical stuff.

Q: Was that when you started with music making? (Like when you were a kid, through choir, or did you do other things?)

A: Yeah, it was between that and I took violin lessons when I was growing up. But I didn’t really think of it as “making music.” I feel like when I was little I didn’t understand that choir, and orchestra, and Ace of Base were the same thing. There was this really big separation for me between musician, which I didn’t understand as being human, and the product. I sort of knew phonetically El-ton John and Ce-line Di-on, and Ace of Base. But didn’t understand that they were people until I was much older.

Q: Was it sort of like finding out that Santa Claus isn’t real?

A: It’s kind of the same thing. You’re like “Oh my god, someone made this. This is like art, I guess. Woah.”

Q: Are you still coping with that realization?

A: It’s kind of hard to. I feel like making music and doing this has made it clear that musicians are human beings. But I still didn’t connect some of my favorite ones. Like Why? for example. I was like “I could probably meet so-and-so if I networked this way.” Or “I bet this person through this person knows person X.”

Q: So it’s still kind of non-people with artists that you’re into?

A: Yeah. I mean, especially ones from my younger years.

Q: Did you have any specific female influences in your life when it comes to songwriting or even getting into instruments?

A: Yeah. Definitely Bjork was a huge one. Joanna Newsom. So amazing. So amazing. It’s unreasonable. I remember hearing her for the first time. There was this kid that went to a different high school. I thought he was so cool. He had a band, and wore scarves, and was very glam. He had “The Book of Right On” on his Myspace page, and I was like “What is this? I’ve never heard anything like this before. This is so amazing. It’s kind of annoying and it’s so brilliant. And the lyrics are so amazing. And I’ve never noticed lyrics before. And holy sh*t.” It was a huge realization. So, Joanna Newsom. Really big one. And probably Greta, from Frankie Cosmos.

Q: I was actually going to ask you about shaving your head. Because I know you’ve done it, she’s (Greta) done it, and so has Adrianne Lenker from Big Thief. I was wondering if it was significant in some way or if you all just did it?

A: So, I was on tour with Oliver’s project, Bellows, and Felix’s project, Told Slant, and The Hotelier. Pride Weekend happened and my friend Meghan shaved her head, and I was like “Wow. You look so hot and cool. I just think I need to know if I could do it.”

Q: Are you into any other art form? Because I know that you went to University of the Arts.

A: For like a second. I went for like a month. It was so bad. Not that the University of the Arts was bad, I was bad. I just felt like they… First of all, I wanted to go for animation. And they were like you could go for animation or you could go for film and we’ll give you a half scholarship. And I was like “okay, what’s the jig here?” And I never found out because I only stayed for a month. I basically got offered to go on a tour with this band, and then I said yes. And then I called my parents from Indiana. And I was like “I’ve been on tour for a week, and I’m not in school. So…”

Q: How did they take that?

A: They were really pissed, obviously.

Q: When did they finally come around- Have they come around?

A: They’ve come around. They came around. I mean, my parents have always been really supportive. But they really, really, came around after Frankie Cosmos played at the MOMA. That was the moment, they were like “Oh, this is cool.”

Q: Was it a hard decision for you?

A: I didn’t like it at all. I was miserable. We were just watching Westerns, and it’s so unreasonable. There were kids in my class that had turtlenecks and low pony tails. It was like the black turtleneck with the round glasses, the low pony tail, and the beret was what really pushed it over the edge for me. You can do anything you want. You can dress that way and it’s totally fine! I just think that sitting in a class talking about which Western is the best in the summer, while wearing those things. And that being said, it was really air-conditioned, so I kinda wished I was wearing it too. But I didn’t give in. My point is that these kids just took themselves really seriously. And I feel that the point of art school is that you’re supposed to unlearn everything you know so that these professors can say “this is how you do it. This is what art school is all about. This is the technique you never knew. If you don’t allow us to fully give you what we know, you’ll just waste your money here.” But these kids were like “my name is Remington.” I don’t know how else to explain it. It was just a vibe that I got. The kids were just super like “I was the weird kid in my town in New Jersey.” That’s also fine. I don’t know, I feel really stuck-up saying all this, but. My priorities were just elsewhere. I also think I wasn’t ready to go to college, realistically.

Q: Were you trained on the instruments that you play now, or were you self-taught?

A: I took piano lessons very minimally from my grandma. It was nice, except I was an asshole. She was teaching me about all these important things like scales and I was super not interested in what she had to say. I was like “Piano sucks.” It’s super overwhelming. It looks like nothing, so it’s just really weird. But lo and behold, I play keyboard in Oliver’s band. Well, I play synth. It’s more like pushing a button and turning the knob. I do know the chords!

Q: How was growing up in New York? Did you feel like you had a normal childhood?

A: I think so. My parents work so hard. My dad is a lawyer. And my mom’s had a bunch of different jobs, but they’ve always in the finance department of whatever thing she’s doing. Right now, she works at this humongous insurance company. I think they insure business, so like malpractice insurance. I only know this because I worked there for a little while, and they gave me this really fancy title. I was a “Junior Financial Analyst.” However, I was scanning W-9 forms and digitizing their clientele. I was basically a scanner.

Q: It’s fine. I just gave myself a job. My sister has this madrigal group so I made myself their “administrator.” But now I’ve actually started to do things!

A: What are you doing?

Q: I’m booking a gig for them! It’s crazy.

A: Wow, a madrigal choir. That’s so cool. I love that.

Q: My sister’s all about renaissance music. I’ll be listening to my music in the car and she’ll just be like “can I put on my recital repertoire?” and I’ll be like “Oh my god, okay fine.” And it just completely ruins my day, but it’s fine. She’s actually really good, so I don’t mind. But I don’t really like other people’s voices.

A: There was one day where for a few minutes we listened to Gregorian chants. And it was so amazing. Jack is really into this mash-up artist named Neil Cicierega. He just came out with a new record Mouth Moods. So, you should totally check it out.

Q: Is it what it sounds like it’s going to be?

A: Yeah. Well, he’s really about All Star by Smash Mouth.

Q: Why is everyone all about that song?

A: It’s just what it is.

Q: SO confusing.

A: It’s just the most amazingly horrific pump-up jam. You’re just like “yeah, I think I can do whatever I set out to do today.” So one day, this guy, Neil Cicierega, decided to mash up the YMCA to the Inception soundtrack. It’s really moving and really emotional. So we’ve been pranked a lot with that. You should just listen to it. It’s bad to describe it. You should listen to it even though you shouldn’t.

Q: I understand. Back to All-Star, the radio station played All-Star for 24 hours straight once.

A: That’s like two- two stories about that. One day, we tried to listen to Build This Pool by Blink-182. We tried to take the 45 minute challenge. We made it like 10 minutes I would say, but we had to stop. The other story is that I used to go to this camp, called Camp Lohikan. It was on the New York/Pennsylvania border. It was a really shi*ty camp. But the camp owner thought it would be really funny to play Hero by Enrique Iglesias for a full day over the loud speaker for the entire day of camp. So I forever know all the words to that song. We tried to cover Hero actually. We learned it one time, but forgot it since. So, we’ll have to learn it again!

Q: If you weren’t doing music what would be doing? What would your dream job be? Because I’m assuming this is your dream job.

A: It is my dream job, definitely. Well, I have this back-up plan. Which requires a lot of money. So it’s not really a good Plan B. But my friend and I are super passionate about animals. She works at the ACCT in Philadelphia. It’s a kill shelter, but her job is getting animals to rescue. So she calls rescues all day to promote animals that are ready to be adopted. She’s very cool. We have this pipe dream to have an animal sanctuary. And there was a moment this year, I guess it was last year, where I was just feeling super down on everything. I was like “What the f*ck am I doing? Why am I doing this? What does this mean? This is super weird. Well, you know. This is such a weird job. And it’s based on validation which doesn’t always come. Or like when you’re not on an album cycle, what are you doing? You’re just living your life and it’s weird. And I grew up in a choir, so being like “listen to me” is a weird impulse that I don’t really possess naturally. So anyway, I was having this whole moment of crisis, and then I called up my friend. We were talking about it and saying “we could just have an animal sanctuary.” And she was like “There are a bunch of goats in my job right now. You should come down and pet the goats.” And I was like “I can’t come down, because if I pet the goats I’m going to take them home.”

We discussed the pros and cons of having a goat as a pet in New York City, but decided that it probably wouldn’t be a good idea. However, according to Gabby, a goat would likely be one of the few animals that would understand her dog. She’s had her dog, Frankie, for 4 years. He’s a smallish pitbull-esque dog that a lot of their neighborhood kids are scared of. However, Gabby stated that he’s a very good “muffin.” We talked a little bit about the Chinese zodiac, along with the origin of the line “2011, the Year of the Rabbit.” (It was a “really good rhyme” that was incidentally true!) This led to a discussion about reading horoscopes and being a Taurus.

Q: What do you embody about a Taurus?

A: Well, we’re really stubborn. And we love food and money. And aren’t really good about either of those things. In that, because I have such a high standard for what food should be like, I’m really picky about quality. Though I’ve been trying to get better because obviously touring is a nightmare. It’s more of just like an “oh my god, this texture is disgusting” type of thing. I’m really weird about food. Like, I don’t like fruit. Yeah, none of it, it’s gross. I mean, I like lemons and limes.

We discussed the correctness of calling lemons and limes, “fruits.” Ultimately, we decided to be honest and call it what it is. They’re more along the lines of sauces and stuff to make lemonade with. Lemonade, according to Gabby, is just “sauce in a cup.” Back-up Plan C for Gabby may well end up being “Cup Sauce” lemonade. She’s even come up with the slogan: “Buy it. Do you like it?” A slogan that I immediately shot down and told her that she’d likely need to hire a better PR person. Gabby then brought up her stage banter during her set and said it’s not very good at selling. I, however, disagreed. Her understated and meek “thank you’s” perfectly compliment the direct tone in her songs.

She did tell the crowd earlier in the night that she was in a really bad mood. An issue that started earlier in the day with a looming phone call that she had already pushed back. The ride to DC was also stressing her out, and causing her to be angry and grumpy. (Something that I could never imagine!) She was able to turn it around though, and it ended up being totally fine. There were also some issues with the voltage of her second-hand Japanese amp. She was getting shocked during soundcheck but the sound guy helped her out with all the technical bullsh*t!

Q: Have you ever felt that you’ve had something to prove, because you are a female musician, to people who might know a lot about the technical stuff and things like that?

A: I think that I did when I was younger and first starting. I feel like I was really, really, adamant about being my own producer and recording everything myself. And whenever I enlisted the help of other people, it was as an arrangement kind of thing. I had a really big, well it wasn’t a really big deal, but I had this other bandmate who was a man. For a while, it was just the two of us. And a lot of times, people would come up to him, asking him questions. Or they’d be like “producer, Him, and songstress, Gabrielle Smith.” It was just like “Ew. F*ck. Uh, no.” So it took a lot to kind of re-write that. But, that being said, I am super, super, lucky. All of my friends have been supportive and treat me as an equal even though most of them are male. We all share secrets about songwriting with each other, and it’s this super reciprocally nice supportive process. So I’ve been in a bubble basically, for my whole coming up time. (She’s referring to her music collective here.) It’s been easy in that way, but I do think that people, even on this tour don’t assume- like, I work my own merch table, and a lot of times people are like “oh, is this the opening band? Are they good?” And they just assume that I’m not in the band. Most times, people generally know who we are before we get there. Yeah, it’s been really chill, to answer your question. I feel like it was harder when I was younger, but now I don’t really care, so I don’t think about it.

Q: What are you working on now?

A: I feel like, usually all of my songs have already come out before we come out with an official record. So yeah, this time, we have a whole record written. I’ve written a couple more songs on this tour that I want to see if they’re better than some of the other songs. Because some of them are kind of like- they’re good, but they don’t make sense on the record.

Q: Is there a theme that they’re not fitting?

A: Well yeah. The record, I think, the overarching theme, is sort of the opposite of O.K. Where O.K. was very like “and this moment is this, and I’m in love with this person!” and “ this moment is this, and I like you.” And “this is how you’re affecting me in this moment.” It was very descriptive of external observation and how I was feeling about them. The new songs are a lot more internal, and more about trying really, really, hard to exist in the present and not being able to fully be there. It’s a lot more impressionistic. There’s more color rather than nature. It’s a lot more internal and hard to escape yourself kind of feeling.

Q: And this was around the time you were having your “goat moment”?

A: Oh yeah! So sick- I’m gonna call it that from now on.

Her hope is that the band will hit the studio after this tour and the next tour (w/ Frankie Cosmos). She’s hoping they’ll be done tracking the record by July, and that it’ll be done and ready to release by the Fall. She’s very excited about it. In a new song, there’s even a visual of a goat that is trying to stand on a moving truck bed, but is having a difficult time standing up. She was hoping they would play this new song on tour, but they couldn’t due to instrumentation needs.

Q: What’s your favorite part about coming to DC?

A: Well, usually. This is going to sound like a humble brag, but I’m really good buddies with Bob Boilen. He’s the best, and so nice. Kate Tempest is in town, and he was like “I’m so sorry, I can’t come to the show. Usually you know that I’d come make it work, but you’re playing at exactly the same time as Kate Tempest. She never comes here, so.” And I was like “it’s totally fine,” but now I’m really sad. We just like chill. He’s so chill. The last time I saw him, Eskimeaux came here and played at Rock and Roll hotel with Japanese Breakfast, and he stopped by the NPR office. And we had written this Christmas song the night before that we performed on All Songs Considered. It’s really good. I actually stole- for one of the new songs that we played tonight, I realized that I actually stole one of the melodies and chord progressions from the Christmas song. And I had to text Michelle and be like “I hope this is okay. I’m really into this song that I just wrote, but I know that I stole the “Christmas tree-ee” part, and I know that it’s maybe not chill to do that. And she was like “oh my god, it’s fine.”

We then discussed the fact that interning at NPR’s Tiny Desk is my dream, our love for HBO’s Bored to Death, and methods for figuring out the name of someone you’ve forgotten. If you’re wondering, the right way to do it is by introducing another friend to the aforementioned forgotten friend, and just hope that they’ll say their name.

Gabby told me about her favorite things about touring: amazing food and being touristy. (Places that she recommended include White Sands National Park and Meow Wolf in Santa Fe.) Along with seeing friends from other cities and getting to tour with bands that are super inspirational to her.

“This is so surreal, and it’s really amazing that I was able to get so out of it that I was in a bad mood.”

When I told her that it was completely human to feel bad, and that she shouldn’t be apologizing or feeling bad for feeling bad, she said something that made me realize what an amazing artist (and person) she is.

“I just want so badly to not normalize this experience at all- and have it be this overwhelmingly amazing thing.”

We talked a bit more about the pros and cons of touring. According to Gabby, the worst thing about tour is that she’s not as available to be a good friend. It’s hard to be like “just so you know, I’m still your friend. Tell me if you need anything, I love you.” Another things is navigating her coffee addiction. Something that started when she was working at a coffee shop in New York. She told me a bit about her experience there, which she asked to have off the record. She now drinks two cups a day, but Oliver is on a very rigorous coffee schedule. She goes along with it, but now has gotten into buying tinctures, so that she won’t need coffee as much. Apparently they taste like sh*t, but she’s been putting it into Kevita. (Which is basically just “bubbly cup sauce.”)

Q: Super weird question, but would you be willing to take a mirror selfie with me?

Written and transcribed By No Boys Allowed DJ Ava Mirzadegan

#dc #interviews

4 notes · View notes