To trust and to hold
For the @thepassifloradiscord a/b/o event, I chose the
“I have to bond with you to save your life, sorry.”
prompt. MUCH fun was had! Geralt bonds Jaskier to save his life from ouchies.
Warnings: Major character injury, hurt/comfort, Geralt is bad at emotions TM, recovery, angst? i guess? Because they are idiots in love who just doesn’t understand the other’s feelings. Also mostly Jaskier being very hurt, poor boy.
Betaread by my ever bestest @kuripon, whomst deserves all the love on this planet. all of it.
Please enjoy! On Ao3 here
“Fuck, Jaskier, stay with me!”
Jaskier can barely make out the words. His entire body hurts, his blood burning in his veins. The world comes and goes, always dark around the edges.
“We are losing him,” someone says from the side. Jaskier doesn’t understand what that means, but something is hurting like the fucking seven hells in his abdomen. He tries to curl in on himself, but his arms are too heavy, and all he can manage is a weak whimper.
“You have to do it, Geralt. He will die if you don’t.”
Is that what this is? Dying?
Jaskier had always thought dying would be peaceful. He should have known better, living a life on the path, realizing the brutality of life by the side of a witcher.
Death has taken many forms on their travels; sometimes as mercy, sometimes of necessity, sometimes cruelty.
It just never occurred to Jaskier that the cruelty of death would happen to him.
But evidently it was. A spasm passes through him, sending new spikes of pain through his body. Crying out hurts even more, and he gasps for air, fingers curling around nothing.
“Geralt!”
“I’m so sorry, Jaskier.”
Hot hands cradle the side of his face, a breath next to his ear.
“Please forgive me.”
Teeth sink into his neck, and for some reason it hurts more than anything he’s experienced so far.
But soon, the excruciating pain overpowers anything else, making him blissfully numb, and Jaskier falls into darkness.
-
The first thing he registers is the throbbing pain in his stomach. From there it is only downhill, when every hurt and ache makes itself known and grabs at his attention.
Opening his eyes takes most of what little energy Jaskier has, and the world is blurry around him still. It is hard to concentrate, eyes roving across the room, trying to find something clear or familiar enough to focus on, but it just makes him dizzy.
Jaskier fades again, unconsciousness and blissful numbness calling him away. He imagines he can hear Geralt’s voice, feel his hand against his cheek.
Jaskier smiles faintly at the thought before he passes out again.
-
Waking up is less terrible this time. Jaskier’s lips feel so dry they could crack at the slightest movement, but breathing doesn’t hurt as much anymore.
Upon opening his eyes, he finds the world is slightly clearer, but not by much.
Jaskier doesn’t recognize the room. The wooden beams have grayed with time, the paintings are unfamiliar, and the rough patchwork blanket around his legs and hips a stranger’s work.
Frowning and smacking his lips, Jaskier flexes his fingers, but the ache is almost gone. He seems to be alone in the room, but a chair is pushed up next to his bed, and on the bedside table is a bowl of water and some clothes. There is blood staining them.
Jaskier finally dares to look down at his chest.
He’s heavily bandaged around his abdomen, angry dark bruises peeking out where the bandages end just under his solar plexus.
Fuck.
His arms are not much better off, but it doesn’t seem as if any bones are broken.
There are some nasty marks on his left bicep, and Jaskier can’t really recall what may have caused them. All he remembers is the stabbing pain, his insides feeling like they’d been torn out, and then the numbing bite-
Oh.
Gingerly, Jaskier raises a hand to his neck.
Bandages block his touch, and when Jaskier presses his fingers into it, he finds the covered skin tender, but surprisingly soothing to touch.
Of course, that is when Geralt enters the room, amber eyes quickly darting over Jaskier’s form, lingering on his hand over the bite.
“You are awake,” he breathes, and then yells over his shoulder, “HE IS AWAKE!”
In less than a minute, Jaskier is surrounded by people. He recognizes none of them, but there is a familiar voice in the crowd. A voice belonging to the woman who is currently making him follow her finger with his eyes.
“You were there,” he croaks, and she tuts and helps him sip from a glass of water before letting him speak again. “You were there,” he repeats.
“I was. You almost died. You are very fucking lucky that Geralt was there to bond you.”
Jaskier’s eyes snap to Geralt, who stays back, hovering restlessly by the wall.
“What do you mean?” Jaskier feels dizzy all over again, especially as Geralt looks so damn sad. He senses it too, the guilt and self loathing trickling towards him through their bond. “Geralt, what does she mean?”
Strong hands angle his face towards the woman again, and Jaskier must tear his eyes away from the witcher.
“Look at me. Deep breaths. No, look at me. Breathe through the panic. You are alright, you are safe.”
No, this is not alright.
Geralt bit him, Geralt bonded him, tied them together.
‘I need no one, and the last thing I need is someone needing me.’
Fuck.
Jaskier gasps sharply, tears pricking his eyes, and the woman tries to keep his focus on her. Then her hands are replaced with hot, familiar hands as Geralt takes her place.
Geralt cradles Jaskier’s face, their eyes locked together.
“Slow breaths. Follow me.”
Geralt leans down, knocking their foreheads together. It is hard to force the air to stay in his lungs, but he tries, Jaskier tries so fucking hard for Geralt.
Soothing hums calms him down slowly, worry and guilt and affection still running through the bond.
The fucking bond.
But eventually, Jaskier breathes evenly again, the world coming back to focus. Geralt keeps his hands on Jaskier, but now his hands are resting on his shoulders, inches from where the bandage covering the bite.
“I know this isn’t what you wanted. But I couldn’t let you die, couldn’t let you leave me, Jask. We’ll talk about it later. You need to rest now. Heal.”
Jaskier looks up confused at Geralt, but he says nothing more. The woman moves Geralt to the chair next to the bed, so she can keep examining him, another two women at the edge of the bed returning to the task of changing bandages and checking him over.
Geralt holds his hand, thumb tracing back and forth over the back of his hand.
The woman makes him drink more, but Jaskier belatedly realizes that it’s not water.
It pulls him under, dreams dragging him down, Geralt’s hand in his the only thing anchoring him to reality.
-
It was an Arachas, they tell him. A big, spider-like creature with pincers, sharp teeth, and venom glands. Jaskier has no recollection of it, but there had been a contract. A temple in dire need of rescue from what apparently was the Arachas.
It had pierced Jaskier’s stomach, the venom killing him in minutes. The woman, who he now knows as Landina, told him he got lucky.
They had found his suppressants and realized what he was, and then the bond burned through everything in its way.
The puncture wound in his stomach aches, a painful reminder of what he cost Geralt.
It feels unreal. Bittersweet.
Jaskier had long accepted Geralt’s need for independence. As soon as it was clear to him that Geralt would not form any bond with any omega for any reasons, Jaskier started taking suppressants. Took efforts to hide who he is.
“They say witchers are unfeeling. But no such bond can form where there are no attachments,” Landina tells him the next day. “You are lucky to be alive.”
When he is alone again, Jaskier touches the bite once more.
Lucky, she says. Tied to a man who wants no one, who doesn’t want him, who despite saving him feels guilt and remorse. It’s there, clear as day. Jaskier is not sure what he is sending through their bond, but Geralt has not returned to his room yet.
The loneliness aches in him, the empty chair mocking him for his hope. Geralt doesn’t want him. Geralt just didn’t want him to die. Geralt is kind and caring and good, and not once has he shown a sign that he wants them to become more.
That’s not entirely true, he admits quietly to himself.
Two years ago, Geralt had kissed him. The memory burns at the back of his mind, a perfect picture of torture when Jaskier is left alone during the winter.
It was just a kiss. They had been at a wedding, the liquor had been flowing and the spirits had been high. Together they had stumbled into the barn wall, laughing and smiling, and then Geralt had pressed himself against Jaskier and captured his lips, slow and searing, his hands on Jaskier’s hips gripping him tightly.
The night had ended and they had never spoken of it since.
And Jaskier never pushed.
He tries to tamp down the longing, the loneliness, but Jaskier realizes that he has no secrets now. And Geralt is nowhere to be seen.
The fever creeps in during the night.
His body shivers with cold as he burns up, tossing and turning as much as his aching body allows. His skin feels too tight, and he whimpers when Landina lays a hand on his forehead.
“Hurts,” he pants, squirming to get away from her. “Geralt.”
But Geralt isn’t here. Why would he be? Landina was wrong, only the threat to his life got Geralt close to him.
“What’s wrong with him? He was healing.” One of the apprentices asks quietly by the door.
“He is rejecting the bond. It is incomplete, and his body is fighting it.”
Jaskier doesn’t understand what they are saying, but when they say rejection, pain lances through his body, and he gasps sharply.
“Get Geralt,”Landina orders.
-
Geralt feels it even before the apprentice can depart the room.
The sense of wrongness wracking through him, unsettling him. He is about to burst through the door to Jaskier when he hears Landina.
“He is rejecting the bond. It is incomplete.”
Heart plummeting, Geralt’s hand freezes on the handle.
“Get Geralt.” The head priestess instructs, and the door is flung open to reveal him standing there frozen.
There is a brief pause where the young apprentice stares up at him, and then Geralt’s eyes catch on Jaskier, sickly pale with deep red patches on his chest and cheek.
“Leave us,” Landina tells the others, and they hurry out of the room around him. “Geralt. You have to make a decision.”
“About what?”
“If you want to keep your claim on him, or if you will let it burn away. He thinks your bond is one of duty, not affection, and he is trying to set you free.”
“... He can do that?”
“It is not uncommon in arranged marriages, when one part thinks the other indifferent. Usually caused by a distance between the two newly bonded, and usually mended by proximity. If that is something you want.”
Geralt hesitates. It is selfish of him, wanting to keep the bond. It was a one sided decision born of desperation. Geralt hadn’t even been trusted with the knowledge of Jaskier’s presentation, and the second he had known, he had bit him.
“What happens if it burns out?”
Landine studies his face before replying, hand clasped over her apron.
“Then the fever will run its course. If it doesn’t get worse, he should be fine, but his strength is already depleted. The bond would be severed and you would be free to go your separate ways.”
“We couldn’t be together?”
“You could. But remember, witcher, this is because he thinks you don't want him, not the other way around.”
“If I reinforce the bond, what then?”
Landina tilts her head and smiles up at him.
“That, master witcher, is up to you and your bard. He loves you dearly, that one. I think his heart has been breaking for many years.”
Geralt doesn’t know what to say to that, so he says nothing. The priestess nods her goodbyes, then she leaves him with a feverish Jaskier.
Even from here, Geralt can smell his misery. Through the bond, there is strangely little.
Before he even knows what he is doing, Geralt is moving towards the bed. There is a lonely candle lit by the bedside table, the flickering light deepening the shadows.
“Jask,” he murmurs, sitting down next to him. The bed dips down, and Jaskier’s body presses against his leg.
Jaskier opens his eyes, watery with fever, but they focus on him anyway. Geralt can’t help but reach out, touching his clammy cheek, stroking it soothingly.
“Hi,” Geralt whispers, and Jaskier holds his wrist, looking up at him.
“You came,” Jaskier whispers, and oh. Geralt fucked up, didn’t he?
“I’m sorry. I know it is the wrong time to ask this, Jask, but I can’t decide this on my own, not again.”
“Are you staying?” Jaskier asks, fingers twitching as if he wants to hold on, but he doesn’t hold any tighter.
“If you want the bond, I will.”
“But you don’t want it,” Jaskier says, and he sounds so heartbroken and sure as he pushes Geralt’s hand away.
“What?” Geralt blinks.
“You don’t want a bond, and not with me. I’m sorry I forced you to bond with me.”
“Jaskier, what are you talking about? I was the one who bit you.” Geralt wants to touch him again, but Jaskier is still holding his wrist away from his face, grasping it if he has forgotten he is holding it.
“But I forced your hand. You are so good, so kind. You don’t want this bond.”
“Jaskier. Do you want this bond?”
Jaskier doesn’t respond, and Geralt aches, a trickle of emotion making its way through the bond now that they are touching.
“Jask. Do you?”
With the smallest voice, looking anywhere but at Geralt, Jaskier replies.
“I do.”
Fuck.
Geralt shifts, moving Jaskier so that they both fit in the bed. It is tight, but Geralt arranges them so that Jaskier is tucked under his chin, their legs tangled together.
“What are you doing?” Jaskier whispers, even as he nuzzles closer, seeking comfort where Geralt’s scent is the strongest.
“I didn’t want to force this on you. But if you really want this, we will keep it.”
“You noble idiot,” Jaskier mutters, his eyelids getting heavy. “I will only hold you back.”
“Being with you is not a burden, Jask. I’m sorry I made you feel that way.”
They don’t talk much after that. The fever pulls Jaskier under again, squirming against Geralt’s chest as shivers wrack his body.
Geralt is not sure what he expected would happen, a miraculous recovery or something, but he surely didn’t expect Jaskier to be sweating and whining through the night as fever dreams plague him.
More than once, Jaskier says his name, clinging hard when Geralt reaches for the cloth to wipe Jaskier’s brow. It’s a long night, and come morning, the fever has yet to break.
Landina enters the room, noticing Geralt holding Jaskier and nods. Swiftly she takes control of the situation, ordering her apprentices around, making them fetch ointments and soup and some breakfast for the witcher.
With her bustling around, Jaskier wakes up enough to accept medicine and soup. As soon as he is done, he tucks back in against Geralt, sighing contently as sleep claims him again.
It is… a strange feeling for Geralt. To be trusted like this, for Jaskier to so obviously find comfort in him. The bard has always been tactile, always leaning into Geralt, touching him, smiling at him, but this experience is on another level.
Geralt has a vague memory that tastes more like a dream, where they had danced, and Jaskier had smiled at him so sweetly and Geralt couldn’t help but kiss him.
It replays in his mind now, as he watches Jaskier sleep. It’s not the first time he has done that.
Sleeping always is a fickle thing for him, and to get any rest at all, meditation is what has kept him sane. During those times, it is soothing to listen to Roach chewing, the forest singing its night time song, and Jaskier’s easy breaths.
Geralt tucks a strand of hair behind Jaskier’s ear. Allows himself to think of what Landina said. About how Jaskier’s heart had been breaking for years. About how Jaskier blames himself for them bonding, as if that is not something selfishly wants.
While Geralt is waiting for Jaskier to recover, he plans. There are things he needs to tell his bard.
-
“We have to stop meeting like this,” Jaskier croaks to Landina, who chuckles when she checks his temperature.
“Someone is feeling better,” she remarks, sending Geralt a look. When Jaskier woke up, Geralt had still been in bed with him, which had been an… experience. For now, the witcher sits next to his bed, but still holding his hand.
Most of his body is very much bruised up still, and his muscles are sore from shivering and cramping through most of the night, but his head feels clearer. He has a feeling Geralt asked him something important last night, but he doesn’t feel like asking with everybody else around them.
It takes almost half an hour before Landina is satisfied, feeding him with more soup and medicine and sitting him up properly in bed.
When the door finally closes behind her, Jaskier sneaks a peek at Geralt, who is already watching him.
“Do you remember what I asked you yesterday?” the witcher asks, always straightforward when he has a goal.
“Not really? I remember you asking something, and that it felt important.”
Geralt grips his hand a little tighter, gathering his thoughts a moment before he speaks.
“I asked if you wanted this bond.”
Ah. Shit.
“And I realize I have not been a very good friend to you.”
This makes Jaskier look up in surprise.
“What do you mean?”
“It seems I have made you think I don’t care about you. That I loathe being bonded to you.”
Jaskier looks down. Wants to pull back his hand. Whatever this is, Jaskier isn’t sure he wants to hear it.
What is strange though, is what he senses through their bond.
“I bit you, because I can’t face a future without you. And it was selfish of me, and I bound you to me because of it.”
Opening and closing his mouth, Jaskier is stunned. He is sure he looks like a gaping fish, but he can’t think of one good thing to say right now. His heart is hammering in his chest, and his mind is racing.
“Why did you ask me if I wanted the bond last night, Geralt?”
“Because your body was rejecting it. Landina said it can happen when part of the bond feels rejected. I bit you once without your consent, Jaskier. I didn’t want to take that choice from you a second time.”
“Oh, you noble idiot,” Jaskier mutters, and for some reason Geralt chuckles and sits a bit closer. Jaskier finds himself leaning forward too, their hands trapped between them, fingers dancing over each other.
“I know we have a long way yet to go, but there is something that I can’t get out of my head.”
“Yes?” Jaskier breathes, eyes caught on the way Geralt’s lips move when he speaks.
“May I kiss you?”
Of all the things, this is not what Jaskier expected.
Meeting Geralt’s eyes again, Jaskier nods. He can’t move forward, the angle is harsh for his bandaged stomach, but Geralt doesn’t mind. He moves so he sits opposite Jaskier on the bed, and with a gentle hand he tilts Jaskier’s jaw up.
Geralt’s lips are dry on his, careful in a way he wasn’t two years ago.
Taking a moment to read Jaskier’s face, Geralt decides to lean in again, guiding Jaskier back towards the mattress, leaning over him to kiss him more, like once wasn’t enough.
There is indeed a long way to go still. Jaskier needs to heal, and Geralt needs to deal with the surviving endrega nest not far from where Jaskier was hurt.
They have time.
And for once, Jaskier feels like Geralt wants to spend that time with him.
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Keep My Heart In Your Gold
Pairing: Geraskier
Characters: Jaskier, Geralt of Rivia
Additional tags: friends to lovers, angst, hurt/comfort, sad geralt of rivia, supportive jaskier, trust, grief/mourning, renfri's brooch, inspired by season 3 episode 8
Rating: teen and up audiences
Word count: 2,579 words
Chapters: 1/1
Summary: Geralt always carries a brooch around with him. Jaskier wants to know why.
Author's notes: I can't stop thinking about Jaskier knowing what the brooch meant to Geralt, like, the implications of that??? It must have taken a huge amount of trust on Geralt's side to tell Jaskier this and since i'm insane about this whole thing, i decided I wanna write how that conversation went.
Read on Ao3
*
The brooch always seemed out of place for Jaskier. It wasn't exactly the type of accessory that you would imagine a dark, brooding witcher carrying around: pure gold and shiny gemstones, and delicate carvings that almost made the brooch look like it had an eternal smile.
Yet, Geralt always had it with him, strapped to the hilt of his sword. The sight of it was a little comical, here and there, to have something so pretty stick out during an intense fight with a gruesome monster. If the brooch got covered in blood, Geralt would wash it off with such gentle, caring movements, as if it wasn't just a simple object, but something more important.
But Geralt wasn't such a sentimental kind, was he?
Jaskier has been traveling with Geralt for a couple of months when he first brought up the brooch.
"It's pretty," he pointed out one evening as they sat by the fire, the orange glow of the flames reflecting off the gold.
Geralt followed Jaskier's eyes that fixated on the brooch. He let out a quiet grunt and returned to tending to the fire. Jaskier waited for a few moments. When no more reaction came from Geralt, he continued.
"How long have you had this?"
"A while," was all Geralt said. He didn't even look at Jaskier. Usually, Geralt wore a closed-off, strict expression. At first, Jaskier thought it was only reserved for him and his somewhat annoying shenanigans, but he's quickly learnt that it was just simply Geralt's face. There was something else to it now, though, a deeper, darker emotion, like bitterness.
"Was it a gift?" Jaskier pressed further as he scooted closer to Geralt. "I mean, it was, wasn't it? It looks expensive. Almost like it came from someone royalty."
Something flashed in Geralt’s eyes as he looked at him - like a fleeting moment of anguish. Whatever it was, it made Jaskier's chest tighten.
"How do you know that?"
"I hang around royalty a lot, Geralt, I'm a bard," Jaskier reminded him. "I know what kind of jewelry they wear, so..."
It wouldn't make much sense for Geralt, who famously despised royalty, to accept a gift from someone like that, let alone keep it. Whoever gave it to him, they must have been special.
"It's time for you to sleep," Geralt told him, not bothering with a reply to the actual question. Jaskier snorted.
"You're putting me to bed like a child?"
"You are a child," Geralt replied with a small grin. That made Jaskier sputter, but he did take his place on his bedroll all the same.
The brooch was the last thing he saw before he fell asleep.
--
All of Jaskier's attempts at trying to ask about the brooch turned out to be futile. Geralt either completely ignored Jaskier until he gave up, or he changed the subject right away. If Jaskier was a little too pushy, Geralt would even snap at him and tell him to stop being so nosy.
Jaskier wondered why Geralt was so apprehensive about telling him. As the years have gone by, their bond deepened, and the witcher opened up to him more and more. He trusted Jaskier, that much was obvious: he left him alone with Roach without hesitation, told him about Kaer Morhen and the witcher trials, entrusted him with picking out the right potions for him after a fight. He let him give him baths, for Melitele's sake, it was obvious that Geralt knew Jaskier was someone he could rely on.
And yet, he refused to tell him about the brooch, over and over again.
"It's from someone important," Jaskier noted one day. It wasn't a question, and Geralt realized that, too, because he just stared down at his boots, the muscles in his jaw twitching, like he wanted to reply, just didn't know how.
Jaskier waited for him to open up at last, to let him in - to share something so clearly important with him. He looked at Geralt, trying to silently communicate to him that it was alright, that he could always talk to him about whatever heavy burden plagued him about that brooch.
"Just drop it, Jaskier," Geralt said eventually. The sheer pain in his voice was enough for Jaskier to reach out and give his hand a squeeze. He didn't press it any further. Geralt seemed eternally grateful for it as he laced their fingers together.
--
Jaskier stopped asking about the brooch after that. He relied on his vivid imagination instead as he walked up the hill after Geralt, looking at the gold shining on his sword.
Who could have given it to him? Was it a gift, a sign of gratefulness after Geralt has gotten ridden of a monster? Maybe, but he wouldn't have held it so dear, then. This was something deeper.
An old friend? Someone Geralt greatly cared about, someone who cared for him too - someone that Jaskier hoped to be like, one day, if Geralt was ready for it.
Family? His mother? The only thing that was left of her? Another witcher at Kaer Morhen? A token of love?
Love... maybe it was from someone really close to Geralt's heart. Someone who meant the world to him. Where did they go? Did they leave? Did they die? Did looking at their brooch cause Geralt great pain, a reminder of what he has lost, or did it fill him with joy, giving him the strength to move forward?
"I wish you could talk," Jaskier chuckled softly when he cleaned Geralt's sword and faced the brooch. It was already a big step that Geralt let him clean it, he hasn't before. It felt almost as if day by day, Jaskier got closer to Geralt's heart. Maybe one day he would learn the truth behind the brooch, and he would be fully let inside. Until then, he appreciated what he could get.
"I'd love to know your story. I bet it's a great one, isn't it? Good song material."
The sunlight glinted on the surface of the brooch, almost like it answered him. Jaskier laughed at the silly thought.
"Also, I want Geralt to fully trust me, you know?" Jaskier continued as he scrubbed at a nasty stain on the edge of the sword. "And, I don't know. I feel like you mean something to him. And it would mean a lot to me if he shared you with me."
The way the light reflected in one of the gemstones made Jaskier laugh again, because it looked like the brooch winked at him.
--
Jaskier was about to fall asleep when Geralt slipped out of bed. Jaskier didn’t question it; he knew Geralt often had trouble sleeping as his witcher senses kicked in during the night, picking up every single quiet noise and tiny movement. He also knew about the nightmares, the horrific images of having to take lives, and seeing his witcher brothers die haunting his mind. Jaskier didn’t think a big deal of Geralt leaving their bed, so he pulled the blanket up to his chin and closed his eyes again.
A couple of moments after Geralt got up, the bed dipped again. Jaskier cracked one eye open, trying to get used to the darkness in the room. Geralt was only somewhat illuminated by the moonlight, but Jaskier could still tell he was looking right at him.
"You're awake, then," Geralt stated. Jaskier rubbed his eyes as he sat up against the headboard.
"Yeah. What's wrong?"
Geralt looked down. Jaskier noticed he was holding something in his hand, but couldn't tell what it was in the dim light.
"You used to ask about it a lot," Geralt started. His voice was tired, pained. It woke Jaskier fully at once. Geralt didn't even need to tell him what he meant, because Jaskier immediately knew he was talking about the brooch.
"You've stopped."
"Because it's clear you don't want to tell me," Jaskier replied. "And that's okay, Geralt. I don't want to force you."
"I want to tell you," Geralt said. The moonlight glinted off the brooch as he turned it around in his hand. "I want you to know."
Jaskier hugged his knees to his chest. He tried to appear patient, but his heartbeat picked up as he realized that what he has been waiting for years - for Geralt to truly let him in, to share such an important piece of his soul with him - was finally happening.
"This brooch," Geralt said, looking down on the gold in his hand, "belonged to a girl named Renfri. She was a princess who had to leave her home because she was born under a Black Sun. She was prophesied to be dangerous. But she was just... a girl who was hurt. Too many times."
He looked at Jaskier as he continued. "She was a skilled warrior. Very strong and brave. Any man could have envied her strength. She was also witty and smart. I think you would've liked her."
"You think so?"
"Yes. I often wish you two had a chance to meet."
Something about the way he said it made Jaskier's heart flutter inside his chest.
"Renfri was special. In a way, she really was dangerous. When nothing good ever happens to you, when you keep hurting... it's hard not to become the very thing everyone was told you were going to be. But that did not make her a bad person. She had a right to be angry."
He reached out and took Jaskier's hand. Jaskier drew in a sharp breath when Geralt placed the brooch in his palm, laying his own over it until he covered Jaskier's hand with his own. The brooch was cold, but Geralt's skin was warm against his own.
"She was more than her anger," Geralt continued, looking down on their joined hands. "She also had a right to prove she was more than that. But she didn't have enough time."
"You loved her," Jaskier whispered. Geralt nodded.
"I did. And I killed her."
Jaskier only heard his own heartbeat in the dead silence of the room. Geralt sighed deeply.
"It was always going to end that way," he said, "you truly cannot trick destiny. I was told to choose between the lesser of two evils. I had to kill Renfri to stop her from unleashing chaos on the Continent."
Jaskier's throat felt dry and constricted around his words. "I'm sorry, Geralt."
"This is a reminder for me," Geralt continued. He ran his hand over the brooch, then Jaskier's palm. "That I can't escape the past the same way I can't escape the future. Renfri told me that the girl in the woods will always be with me."
"And who's that?"
"I have a hunch. The destiny I was trying to avoid, again. The one you also warned me about not trying to forget."
In the pale moonlight, Geralt's eyes shone bright as he looked into Jaskier's eyes.
"Renfri was the first human I truly let close to me," he told Jaskier, his voice softer than Jaskier has ever heard it before, "and somehow, although you are very different, I see her in you, sometimes. A constant reminder of my own humanity. And..."
He caressed his thumb over Jaskier's palm again, gently. "I trust you, Jaskier. You bring something good out of me. The same way she could have, but destiny stepped in. But with you... I think things are going to be alright."
Jaskier's eyes welled with tears as his heart nearly burst with an emotion so strong, he couldn't resist that eternal pull anymore - the one that made him follow a grumpy witcher at Posada, the one that never let him leave his side, the one that loved Geralt so dearly, always hoping, always longing to be the one Geralt trusted the most. The one Geralt loved as much as he loved that mysterious girl from the past, who left a part of her heart behind in that brooch.
In that moment, it just felt right when he leaned forward and kissed Geralt. Geralt's arm snaked around his waist and pulled him close until he was on his lap. He grabbed onto Jaskier's shirt like an anchor, holding him close almost desperately. Jaskier wiped Geralt's tears off - or were they his own, he didn't know anymore - as he continued kissing him, silently telling him that he would never leave.
"Thank you," Jaskier whispered as he pulled back to rest his forehead against Geralt's. Their hands were still intertwined over the brooch.
--
The soldier wouldn't let them pass, and they couldn't waste any more time. They needed to find Ciri as soon as possible. Jaskier could have screamed in frustration.
"Wait," Geralt said, reaching into his pocket. Jaskier raised an eyebrow at him. They didn't have any more money on them, so they had nothing to offer as a fee.
"What about this?"
Jaskier gasped when he noticed Geralt holding Renfri's brooch.
"No, Geralt," he whispered, "not that."
Geralt sent him a small smile, and touched his lower back fleetingly. A small gesture of comfort, as if he wasn't the one who was about to pay a douchebag Nilfgaardian soldier with one of the most important objects in his possession. Jaskier tried to reason with him one more time, but Geralt handed the brooch over anyways. Seeing that bastard take it made Jaskier's stomach churn, and his heart clench uncomfortably.
He didn't have time to dwell on it while he had to assist Geralt's fight with the soldiers, but it was the first thing he asked him once they got their horses ready for the road.
"Why?"
Geralt sent him a questioning look. "What do you mean why?"
"The brooch," Jaskier sighed, "Geralt, it was important."
Geralt smiled as he gently tucked Jaskier's hair behind his ear. He cupped his cheek soothingly.
"It's time to let go of the past," he said softly, "and focus on the future."
"But... there must have been another way, Geralt! I could have offered him a blowjob, although it wouldn't have been one given willingly."
"I would have chopped his head off before I let him touch you," Geralt scoffed. He smiled again when Jaskier leaned into his touch. "It had to be done. For Ciri, for all of us. It did mean a lot to me. But it's time to let it go - to let Renfri go."
He kissed Jaskier on the lips before he planted another kiss on his forehead. "Come on. Let's find Ciri."
Jaskier nodded with a smile. Geralt's heart worked in mysterious ways, but Jaskier was slowly learning its intricacies. He knew he was right: cherishing the past was important, but staying stuck in it didn't help anyone. He saw the way Geralt smiled at him before he grabbed the reins of his horse: he looked relieved, like a huge weight has just left his shoulders. The same way he trusted Jaskier with the truth all those years ago, now he trusted him to understand his decision. And Jaskier did.
He looked back at the camp one last time, saying goodbye to the brooch and its history in his mind - and to the girl whom, while he did not know, also meant a lot to him, because she was important to Geralt.
And now it was time to take his beloved witcher's hand and face the future, so they could rescue someone who also meant a lot to both of them.
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