Heaven Doesn't Come Close
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Eddie was trying so hard to enjoy it. He had been dead for about two full months now - the first of which had included running around trying desperately to move on to heaven, and this last month, he had been here. He’d gotten what he wanted, but something was missing.
Despite being surrounded by nice people, the kind of people he knew would hate him if they got to know him, Eddie couldn’t make friends. He’d never had too much trouble with that before, unless he counted middle school, which he didn’t. He didn’t have any family up here, which left him alone. Perhaps, instead of thinking about new friends, his mind was just elsewhere, thinking about a certain person with dark curly hair and unkempt stubble, wondering why he ever wanted to leave.
--
Heaven was awesome.
It was everything most people often thought of when it was brought up. Green pastures dotted with colorful flowers, glimmering lakes, white fluffy clouds, laughter carried on a warm breeze, families reunited. It was paradise.
Eddie was trying so hard to enjoy it. He had been dead for about two full months now - the first of which had included running around trying desperately to move on to heaven, and this last month, he had been here. He’d gotten what he wanted, but something was missing.
Despite being surrounded by nice people, the kind of people he knew would hate him if they got to know him, Eddie couldn’t make friends. He’d never had too much trouble with that before, unless he counted middle school, which he didn’t. He didn’t have any family up here, which left him alone. Perhaps, instead of thinking about new friends, his mind was just elsewhere, thinking about a certain person with dark curly hair and unkempt stubble, wondering why he ever wanted to leave.
Today, he walked along the grass, walking to the spot he always occupied whenever he could - right beside a shimmering blue-green lake. Sometimes children played in it, splashing each other without restraint, giggling and joking. There was a shocking amount of children in heaven, Eddie noticed. He didn’t like the way that realization made him feel.
Sitting beside the water, he tucked his legs underneath him and closed his eyes, breathing in deeply. The air was fresh with a hint of rain, despite the fact that it didn’t rain here. The trees, spread nicely around the field, rustled with the warm breeze, sunlight peeking through the leaves. Laughter and jokes surrounded him, but none too loud that he couldn’t think.
“Hey!”
He jumped, opening his eyes. Glancing over his shoulder, he saw a young girl with a tube in her nose. Her hands were clasped behind her back, an innocent and bright smile on her face. She couldn’t be more than ten - but he’d learned that age could be deceiving here. Some of the children had been here for decades.
Furrowing his brows, he glanced over his shoulder for a moment, expecting that she was talking to someone else. He was the only one here. Hesitantly, he looked back at her. “...Hi. Are you lost?”
“No.” The girl giggled, stepping closer to peer down at her reflection in the lake. Eddie peered over too, almost positive he could see some sort of glimmering silhouette around her. He blinked, hard. He must have been imagining it. “You are Edward Clayton, right?”
A breathy, disbelieving chuckle escaped his lips. “Just Eddie.”
“Eddie. That’s a nice name.” Turning to face him, her sweet smile filled him with a sort of warmth. “My name is Esther. We both start with E.”
“Yeah. Good job.” He tried not to make it sound too sarcastic. “How’d you know my name?”
Taking that as an invitation, the girl sat down beside him. “I’m Jessica Matthews’ guardian angel.”
His heart dropped into his stomach. “What? Really?”
“Yes, really. I know you felt unsure, but she really did love you.”
A part of him felt a little insulted. How could this kid - angel , whatever - know that he had always been insecure about that? He even tried to hide it from himself. He forced air into his lungs, not bothering to hide his disdain.
“Well, it doesn’t matter. I’m dead, and she’ll move on someday.”
“Perhaps.” Undeterred, Esther continued. “I’m sorry. I know you have been having a tough time adjusting to being here.”
Eddie frowned. “What? Psh. No. It’s great here. Everybody loves it here. Why wouldn’t I love it here? I spent a whole month trying to get here, of course I love it.”
He was met with a disbelieving look. “You don’t have to lie to me. I know you’re lonely.”
“Okay, look, are you just here to make fun of me? Because if you are, I’m gonna go somewhere else. I’m not about to take penultimate abuse from a toddler.” He moved to get up, but a small hand came up to grab his wrist. He looked down. Her innocent eyes made his chest fill with regret. He squeezed his eyes shut as she spoke.
“That was not my intention. I wanted to offer you something; something you were destined for.”
Screw it. He huffed, plopping back down on the ground. “...What?”
Esther slowly let go of his wrist, lifting her arm so that her hand hovered just above the water. It rippled over and over for a few seconds, and when it cleared, Eddie realized with a jolt that he was looking down into his old apartment. On the couch sat Charlie, his face screwed up in concentration, drawing something on his tablet.
Emotions consumed him all at once, his breath leaving his body in a whoosh. He couldn’t take his eyes off of him, even as Esther began speaking again.
“This is Charlie Ross, right now, at this very moment. He is your friend, right?”
His mouth moved before he could think. “My best friend.”
“He was the one who helped you move on?”
Eddie nodded, his mouth suddenly feeling very dry. He wondered if he dove headfirst into the lake, would he land beside Charlie again, the place where he truly belonged?
Before he could make a move, Charlie glanced up, looking toward the door of the apartment, and the lake rippled. Charlie disappeared. Eddie’s breath caught in his throat again and he hopped to his feet, unsure of what to do with himself. “H-Hey. Hey! Bring him back. Bring him back!” His voice steadily got louder until he caught the look on her face. He took a shaky breath. The next word was barely a whisper. “Please.”
Esther rose to her feet, gently taking both of Eddie’s hands into her own. He let her. “Have you ever wondered why he was the only one who could see you?” His heart still racing, he nodded. “Your souls are intertwined, Eddie. Some way or another, you were always destined to meet. You were destined to be together.”
The implications of the words nearly made his knees give out. “So, what, I’ve been gay this whole time?” He meant it as somewhat of a joke, but his tone was quiet and unsure. It didn’t feel like it, but he did like getting to make Charlie laugh the way he used to make Jessica laugh…
She smiled patiently. “It’s entirely up to you the way that you interpret it. You love Jessica. You also love Charlie. How you label, or do not label, that love is up to you.”
Suddenly he didn’t feel so good. Jessica’s guardian angel was even scarier than she was, and that was saying something. “What…what the hell am I supposed to do with that?” he breathed, some of the anger returning as he pulled his hands away from her to run them through his hair. “Why would you tell me this now? None of it matters! I’ll never see him again!”
“Of course it matters. It always matters,” Esther said gently. “I said you are destined to be together in some way or another. Considering your situation, then, it only makes sense that you will become Charlie’s guardian angel. You may visit him whenever you like, as long as you fulfill your duties.”
Eddie paused. The mere possibility of that sentence was enough to make his legs give out. He fell to his knees, slowly looking up at her. “I can do that?”
“Yes. And I can make it official. Just say the word.”
His brain cleared of fog. He breathed. He could see Charlie again, hear his laugh, smell the shitty cologne from his shirt. “Please…I’ll do anything.”
The grass crunched beneath her feet as she stepped closer, gently placing her hand over his head. “Lay down and close your eyes. Breathe, Eddie.”
Wordlessly, he did as he was told. He waited. Suddenly, the grass tickling his arms disappeared. The quiet laughter was replaced with muted voices. Slowly, he opened his eyes.
He was laying on his old couch. Sitting in front of him were Charlie and Sam - on the tablet was a comic drawn about his funeral. Nearly vibrating with excitement, Eddie propped himself up onto his elbow, blowing on Charlie’s ear. By the time he turned around, and they locked eyes, everything felt right again.
“Jesus Christ!”
“Hey, buddy!”
Charlie smiled, a look of fond disbelief on his face. “Eddie, what are you doing here?!”
Eddie grinned back.
This was his paradise. Heaven didn’t even come close.
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