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babydollmarauders · 11 months

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SPEAK NOW — QUINN HUGHES

quinn hughes x fem!reader

part of the Speak Now Fic List

summary: in which y/n attends her ex-boyfriend, Quinn’s wedding and can’t hold her peace

notes: barely any dialogue. like i’m so serious, very little dialogue. also not proofread and i think i hate this but it’s fine because i don’t think i could do any better and i worked way too long on this.

it was the last thing i expected.

to receive the elegant white cardstock that sits in my hand. flowers of muted colors are printed across the bottom, cursive lettering across the top.

‘You Are Formally Invited to the Wedding of Quinn Hughes & Lindsay Carter’

it’s not that i didn’t think this day would come. quite on the contrary, i feared it would come sooner. i know firsthand how special Quinn is. i knew some lucky girl would lock him down. Quinn is the type of love that you never let go.

but i did.

i made the mistake of letting go of his love.

letting go of him.

and now i’ll be forced to watch as he marries another girl. one who provided comfort and a shoulder for him to cry on when i broke his heart. one who helped him glue the pieces back together after i left.

we had both known the risks. getting together despite the warnings of his brothers. and Jack was right.

“romance is not worth risking a lifelong friendship.”

because in the end, i lost both.

i lost the love of my life and my best friend since kindergarten.

now reduced to awkward tension at conjoined family events, and pity invites to major events like these. more awkward to invite me than it is to face me afterwards, knowing that i knew what was happening and was deliberately left out.

setting the invitation on the counter, i check yes on the guest list website on my phone. confirming that i’ll be in attendance.

despite the envy that weighs heavy in my heart, and the irrational feeling of betrayal that eats at me, i know i’ll feel worse missing this milestone in Quinn’s life.

**THREE MONTHS LATER**

i’ve had months to prepare for this moment. to guard my heart and get ready to watch the only man i’ve ever loved, get married to another woman.

and in spite of that, all i’ve done is the very thing i spent the last two years keeping myself from doing.

asking about Lindsay.

i never thought they would get this far. under the impression that this was a fling and wouldn’t last long. the only thing i knew for two years was that they were opposites.

Quinn is a responsible, down-to-earth guy, focusing on feelings and equality in relationships. whereas she was more materialistic; never attending Quinn’s games unless she was guaranteed a photo opportunity, using his card to buy luxury items, and according to Jack, constantly reminding Quinn how low he had felt before she came into his life.

and now, after asking around and learning everything i could, i can guarantee that Quinn doesn’t know half the things that i do.

i can guarantee he doesn’t know that she was a bully in high school, that that mean girl attitude never left. i can guarantee he doesn’t know that she brags to all her friends that she bagged a rich fiancé and she’ll never have to work to afford her luxury lifestyle, or that she has no issue in saying he isn’t attractive but his money makes up for it. and i know he doesn’t know she’s been sleeping with her personal trainer when Quinn is out of town.

and i know what i must do today, despite my nerves.

there’s still thirty minutes until the ceremony actually begins, and no matter how much i’ve steeled myself, i’ll never be ready to face the pity filled glances and the sympathetic words of Quinn and i’s families and friends. so, i wander the halls of the stuffy church, thinking about how unlike Quinn this all is.

perhaps he’s changed his mind since we had fantasizingly planned our own wedding. laid in bed, the golden sunrise lighting his face in a greek god-like way, speaking in hushed whispers, discussing our dream wedding. nothing like this one.

my feet pause on their own accord as yelling reaches my ears, and i identify the sound coming from an open door down the hall as Lindsay.

“are you stupid?” her voice drifts out of the room, carried by the empty space. “i told you to get nude heels, not cream!”

i make quick work to pass by the room, catching just a glimpse of the blonde bride, her fluffy white gown swallowing her.

heaving out a relieved sigh, i try to ignore the pounding in my chest, turning left down the hall and towards the main room. maybe it’s best for me to just get the pity and commiseration over with.

my heels click against the hardwood floor of the crowded room, and a hush falls over most of the right side. Quinn’s side.

scanning the room, i’m grateful to find Trevor and Cole. i know Quinn’s family is with him getting ready, but i at least have these two to bring me some comfort amongst the sea of strangers.

“y/n, you came!”

pop! the comfort bubble has broken. i thought i could trust Cole to treat me normally, but the gentle incredulous tone of his voice tells me otherwise. a mix of shock and sympathy.

“yeah, of course i did.” my lips quirk in a forced smile, shoving any resentment and nerves down deep inside me. “i wouldn’t miss Quinny’s big day.”

“y/n/n, you know you don’t have to act strong in front of us, right?” Trevor’s hand rubs my arm, providing the perfect grounding for me.

“yeah, no, i know that.” i nod. “but seriously, guys, i’m fine. i knew this day would come.”

“it’s not too late.” Cole jokes. “the priest does say that whole ‘speak now or forever hold your peace’ thing, right?”

i let out a genuine chuckle at the deep and ominous tone he uses to imitate the priest; the first real laugh i’ve had all day. if only he knew.

i join Trevor and Cole in finding seats, sitting in the 4th row. not quite at the front, but also not quite the middle. i perch in the seat closest to the aisle, open for a quick getaway if needed.

the guys engage me in small talk, asking me about my job and frowning when i give the generic answer of ‘it’s okay.’

but i couldn’t tell them the truth, could i? that i hated it. that i regretted ever taking it. that it wasn’t the job that was bad, but rather that i was filled to the brim with resentment that it took me away from the man i love.

i knew i had brought it upon myself. i made myself this miserable. i chose this job over him. i got the internship and thought Quinn and i could withstand the distance while i was in Boston, but i was wrong. we didn’t make it more than two months before i was forced to watch our relationship crumble before me; knowing there was nothing i could do to fix us, i had to let him go.

i knew he would live on. i knew he would be able to put our relationship in the past. but i was only more disconsolate than ever. stuck in a mournful heartbreak. unable to move on and unwilling to try.

i’m shaken from my thoughts by Cole, who points out the mother of the bride walking down the aisle, signifying that the ceremony is getting underway.

i strain my back, twisting around in my seat. my eyes are drawn to the open double doors, where Quinn makes his entrance. his parents on either side of him.

my heart races in my chest, my nerves settling low within my stomach. he looks breath taking. but i can’t help noticing the lack of spark in his eyes. the once lively eyes that used to be so full of emotion, now seem empty.

my gaze tracks his movement, following as he walks down the aisle and to the altar, coming to a stop in front of the priest. his parents take their seats as he scans the room, seemingly searching, and when our eyes meet, he seems to stiffen. his back straightening and his jaw locking.

i can only hope my eyes convey everything i’m thinking.

i’m sorry.

please don’t do this.

his brothers are quick to follow down the aisle, decked out in navy blue suits, joining him at the altar as his groomsmen.

Jack’s lips quirk up in a smirk when he sees me, and he sends me a wink, but i can’t muster anything more than a simple straight lipped expression.

the next 20 minutes go by in a blur, a haze of bridesmaids and eventually Lindsay making her entrance.

“dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony, which is commended to be honorable among all men; and therefore - is not by any - to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly - but reverently, discreetly, advisedly and solemnly.”

the priest begins, and i’ve been to enough weddings to know what comes next. steeling my nerves, i take a deep breath in, letting it escape back past my lips with a silent whoosh.

“should anyone present know of any reason that this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.”

a silence falls over the room, the priest looking out over the seated crowd.

my hands tremble by my sides, anxiety growing deep within me, but i know this is my last chance.

i rise to my feet, slowly and shakily. i can hear whispers start from the left side of the room, and i glance around to find everyone staring at me with horrified looks. everyone but Quinn’s immediate family and friends.

Jack and Luke share a glance before letting out relieved sighs; but i’m only focused on Quinn, who stares back at me with wide eyes and parted lips.

“go on.” the priest urges me, an annoyed expression painting his face.

Lindsay’s face turns red, hands balled into fists at her sides.

“don’t say ‘yes’.” i plead of Quinn.

“y/n-” he sighs, and my heart skips a beat in my chest, the well-known effect he has on me.

“you need to hear me out.” i beg. “Quinn, i’m sorry. i’m sorry i let us go, i’m sorry i didn’t fight harder for us, and i’m sorry i ever even took that stupid internship. but even if i’m too late to win you back, you deserve better than this.

“she’s been using you for your name and your money.” i continue, but Quinn squeezes his eyes shut in disbelief. whether he’s in disbelief of Lindsay or me, i can’t be sure. “and she’s been cheating on you.”

gasps sound out across the room and his eyes snap open wide again. his gaze flickers between me and his bride, who has now turned a pale white; all color draining from her face at my accusation.

“she’s lying! she just wants you to herself! she had her chance and she lost it and now she doesn’t want you happy.” Lindsay cries out.

“i have it on good authority that she’s been sleeping with her trainer when you’re out of town. you know i wouldn’t say anything if i weren’t completely sure. if i didn’t have proof.” i tell him “and you don’t deserve that. you deserve someone who will be absolutely head over heels, purely, and loyally in love with you. and i’m not saying that i’m that person for you. this isn’t me begging for a second chance, even if i am still out of my mind in love with you. i just can’t stand idly by and watch you make a mistake. i can’t let you marry her without knowing the truth.”

i take a deep breath and let it out in a sigh. silence plagues the room, astonishment written all over the faces over every guest in attendance.

“okay, that’s all i wanted to say.” i purse my lips and nod, stepping out into the aisle. my heels click against the floor as i make my exit, not staying to see the outcome of my outburst.

***

i sit on my couch, staring at my hands fidgeting in my lap; my phone shut down entirely and sitting face down on the coffee table in front of me, not ready to face the consequences of my earlier actions.

a movie plays on my tv, but i pay no attention, only having put it on in attempt to escape my thoughts and avoid the quiet.

it’s been approximately twelve hours since i objected to my ex’s wedding. now midnight, and my anxiety has not lessened. i have no clue whether Quinn carried on with his marriage or if he took my words to hold the truth. too afraid to find out.

i’m broken out of my trance by a heavy knock sounding out on the door of my apartment, and i stand frantically. i expect that it’s Jack or one of the many other friends in attendance of the wedding this afternoon, but my heart rate picks up when i look through the peephole to find the very man i confessed my love to today.

my hand shakes as i unlock the door, opening it to reveal Quinn. he’s no longer in his tux, rather adorning sweatpants and a t-shirt, but he still looks handsome to me.

“Quinn.”

“i didn’t say my vows.” he rushes out.

“what?” i question, fearing i heard him wrong.

“i didn’t say my vows.” he repeats, pushing past me and into my entry hall. “she tried to deny what you told me, but i trust you. i held my ground, and she confessed everything. you were right.”

“Quinn, please.” i plead. “i’m happy that you’re not upset with me but i can’t-”

“i’m so glad you were there.” he cuts me off, snaking his arm around my waist and pulling me flush against him. “were you telling the truth?”

“Quinn, you just said she confessed-” i push against his chest, tears gathering in my eyes.

“about being sorry. about still being in love with me. were you telling the truth?” he clarifies, his free hand coming up to hold both of mine in his clutch, and my arms go slack.

“yes.” the tension in the air is palpable, and i’m unsure whether it’s worrisome or comforting.

“say it again.” he breathes out, a subtle smile resting on his lips.

“i love you.” a lone tear spills over my waterline, rolling down my cheek. “i am absolutely and irrevocably in love with you.”

his lips crash upon mine in a bruising kiss, finally letting go of my hands in favor of resting his right one against my cheek. i stiffen against him, seizing up in his hold, and he pulls back. his eyes scan my face, his face etched in worry.

“did i do something wrong?” a hoarse whisper, our faces still millimeters apart.

my hands raise to cup the back of his neck, pulling his lips back down to mine. my eyes flutter shut,this time it’s slow and passionate; holding my heart on my sleeve as i pour my soul out to him in the form of a kiss.

he pulls away, pressing his forehead against mine, but my eyes remain shut. we’re both silent, nothing but the sound of our mingling breaths and the tv lowly drifting in from the other room.

“i love you too.”

#speak now fic list #quinn hughes imagine #quinn hughes x reader #quinn hughes fic #quinn hughes #quinn hughes blurb #vancouver canucks #nhl imagine #nhl blurb #nhl fic #faithlynn’s writings <3

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dreaminginthedeepsouth · 8 months

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Not my photo or my words. But this helps to understand the speculated one.

"No piece of art has ever emotionally affected me the way this robot arm piece has. It's programmed to try to contain the hydraulic fluid that’s constantly leaking out and required to keep itself running...if too much escapes, it will die so it's desperately trying to pull it back to continue to fight for another day. Saddest part is they gave the robot the ability to do these 'happy dances' to spectators. When the project was first launched it danced around spending most of its time interacting with the crowd since it could quickly pull back the small spillage. Many years later... (as you see it now in the video) it looks tired and hopeless as there isn't enough time to dance anymore.. It now only has enough time to try to keep itself alive as the amount of leaked hydraulic fluid became unmanageable as the spill grew over time. Living its last days in a never-ending cycle between sustaining life and simultaneously bleeding out... (Figuratively and literally as its hydraulic fluid was purposefully made to look like it's actual blood).

"The robot arm finally ran out of hydraulic fluid in 2019, slowly came to a halt and died - And I am now tearing up over a friggin robot arm 😭 It was programmed to live out this fate and no matter what it did or how hard it tried, there was no escaping it. Spectators watched as it slowly bled out until the day that it ceased to move forever. Saying that 'this resonates' doesn't even do it justice imo. Created by Sun Yuan & Peng Yu, they named the piece, 'Can't Help Myself'. What a masterpiece. What a message."

Extended interpretations: the hydraulic fluid in relation to how we kill ourselves both mentally and physically for money just in an attempt to sustain life, how the system is set up for us to fail on purpose to essentially enslave us and to steal the best years of our lives to play the game that the richest people of the world have designed. How this robs us of our happiness, passion and our inner peace. How we are slowly drowning with more responsibilities, with more expected of us, less rewarding pay-offs and less free time to enjoy ourselves with as the years go by. How there's really no escaping the system and that we were destined at birth to follow a pretty specific path that was already laid out before us. How we can give and give and give and how easily we can be forgotten after we've gone.. How we are loved and respected when we are valuable, then one day we aren't any longer and we become a burden...and how our young, free-caring spirit gets stolen from us as we get churned out of the broken system that we are trapped inside of. Can also be seen to represent the human life cycle and the fact that none of us make it out of this world alive. But also can act as a reminder to allow yourself to heal, rest and love with all of your heart. That the endless chase for 'more' isn't necessary in finding your own inner happiness.” )

- James Kricked Parr

[BANKSY]

#Banksy #performance #performance art #robot #art + technology

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michelle-is-writing · 1 year

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Early Mornings, Donny Donowitz

Word Count: 1.2k~

A hostel, a safe zone; for once, we could sleep in just a little and not worry about people finding us in the forest. The only problem with that is my own mind, my constant thoughts plaguing my head enough to wake me up way before Donny even begins to open his eyes.

It was still dark outside when I found myself staring out of the room’s window, the stars starting to disappear as dawn slowly crept up. Despite Donny’s body curled behind me, heat constantly radiating off of his body, I still found myself sitting up in bed before turning to face the window. A small groan left Donny’s sleeping mouth when I did so, but he didn’t mind my absence for too long as he quickly became comfortable rolling onto his stomach to take up my mostly empty side. This left me sitting up in front of the window, my thoughts never ceasing as the stars slowly did in front of me.

How could I get one night that I could actually enjoy and sleep peacefully, only to wake up super early? Donny would chastise me on it, telling me to just let him hold me and I’d go back to sleep instantly. But it’s not that easy.

Meanwhile, worries and fears surround me as I ponder about what comes next. Where’s the next place we will keep our camp at, and what country will we be in? Who will be the next people we find - good or bad? Those who seek refuge and peace, or those who seek to destroy those very things? Donny doesn’t worry about these things, he never does. He handles everything that comes his way; unfortunately, that leaves me to be the one that worries for the both of us. He always comforts me, though; always one to remind me worrying gets neither of us anywhere.

“Babydoll…” a deep voice pipes up beside me, groggy with sleep. “Why aren’t you lying down?” Donny asks, moving up in the bed to take me back into his arms. I instantly smile as I resume feeling the heat radiating off his body, basking in the contrast from the cold room as Donny waits for my answer patiently.

“I’ve just been thinkin’,” I tell him, leaning my head back against his chest as he pulls my legs back onto the bed. In response to my words, Donny merely chuckles, a sleepy, but still sarcastic remark leaving his lips afterward.

“A dangerous activity for you, babe,” Donny chides, laughing as I playfully smack his chest afterward. However, my smile shows through my facade, and I’m left to stare up at Donny in the silence of the night. His eyes meet mine in response, never flickering away from me as he continues. “I know what it means when you’re sittin’ up at four in the morning, and I definitely know that worried look on your face,” Donny points out, making me realize I probably shouldn’t have sat up in bed. Of course that would wake him up eventually.

Before I can apologize, Donny stops my stuttering with his lips by pressing them against mine, his arms moving to circle around me and pull on top of him as he lies in the middle of the bed. As he does so, my hands fly to his strong arms, my fingertips dancing over the soft skin there covering up strong muscles. The same muscles that I love to feel pick me up and hold me like I’m the most precious thing in the world, as well as other things too.

Pulling away to breathe, I pant on top of Donny as my legs straddle his hips, his own hands keeping them there before beginning to gently move me back and forth. The sudden friction between us causes me to gasp before my eyes fly to Donny’s face, only to be met with a soft, yet sly smile. “What?” He asks me, his tongue darting out to lick his top lip. “I’m just tryin’ to help you sleep, babe. That’s all.”

Despite Donny’s “reassuring” comment, I still find myself smiling as I remain trying to catch my breath. Not to mention Donny’s actions haven’t ceased in the slightest; to make it even worse, neither of us wear much clothes to sleep in. It’s moments like these that I crave, just for a hint of solidarity, but at the same time, I can’t help but be scared as I never know when that very moment could be ripped away from me.

“Hey,” Donny’s voice brings me out of my stupor, causing my eyes to dart back to his once more. This time, however, the once seduction-filled eyes are now consumed with concern. Sitting up with me still in his hold, Donny continues to look at me this way before moving a hand up to push my hair away from my face. “Darlin’, I may not know what’s going on in that pretty little head of yours, but I see that fear in your eyes, and I don’t like it.”

At his comment, I find myself tearing up, only for Donny to pull me to his chest at the sight of it. Against his warm skin, I let out the tears I’ve been holding in for a while. His hands gently rubbing my lower back comforts me as I do so, and only when I pull away does Donny speak up. “Tell me,” he murmurs, “tell me what you’re thinking.”

For a few seconds, I contemplate how to properly tell him just what I’m feeling. Thankfully, with Donny and I being together for so long, we know how to read each other; even when we don’t know how to read ourselves. “I’m just worried, honey,” I explain to him, “You know I’m always thinking about the future and how it might play out, good or bad.”

At that, the corner of his lip turns up as he brushes my hair back, still trying to comfort me. “We can’t do anything about that, honey, but what we can do is right now,” he reminds me, “And let me assure you, nothing will come between us; I promise you that.”

Smiling once more, I nod at his words before leaning forward and kissing him, slowly resuming what we had going on before. “I believe you,” I finally respond to him, breaking away from his kiss. “I trust you.”

With that, Donny puts on a smile I haven’t seen in a while, not since we exchanged rings. As he kisses me with more vigor, I realize there are more ways to say “I love you” than just uttering those three words. Despite those very words being shared often between Donny and me, I haven’t gotten this much of a response in a very long time. Trust is vital between two people, of course, but trust in the future might be the most powerful.

#donny donowitz x reader #donny donowitz #donny donowitz imagine #donny donowitz imagines #donny donowitz fanfiction #donny donowitz x fem!reader #eli roth #eli roth x reader #inglorious basterds x reader #inglorious basterds imagines #inglorious basterds imagine #inglorious basterds

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zyxelia · 2 years

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Shooting Stars

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Pairing: Junpei Yoshino x F! Reader

Summary: seeing and making wishes under the shooting stars with your loved one.

Wc: 901 words

Warning(s): None, pure pluff!

I can't sleep:(

If anyone could be compared to anything, she would be the Sun.

She is flawless. She is faultless, gleaming brilliantly on her own and always serving as the "light" in other people's lives. She is intelligent in many things and talks softly. She also has a sensible disposition. She moves beautifully and has lovely eyes and silky hair that glows in the Sun. It's not surprising that she's well-known and that many males are always smitten with her.

She consistently rejected their confessions, saying that she already had feelings for someone else, which was unfortunate for them. But it's not only them that are impacted.

I like her too.

What kind of person does she like? Who is that person? Do I know this person?

But I remind myself once more. I mean, I could never compete with that person, would I? If he could so effortlessly capture her heart, then that guy must be extraordinary.

This evening, the sky is clear. The leaves are gently brushed by the night air. After a brief stroll, I reached the river and chose to sit on a seat close. When I closed my eyes, I could feel how peaceful the night was.

"What are you doing, Jun? It's beyond bedtime." As soon as I open my eyes, I recognize her voice and can see her. She grinned while carrying her suitcase while still wearing her school uniform. She is always attractive, regardless of her attire.

"How are you doing?" I re-asked her. She sat next to me and remarked, "I heard there's a meteor tonight. Are you maybe interested in seeing it as well?" She now has hopeful eyes as she stares at me. I fix my gaze on hers. such lovely eyes. Ahh. I'm not even able to refuse them.

"Oh, I'm sure I am," I said. Even if there is a meteor tonight, I have no idea. I looked back fast toward the sky as I felt uneasy. We are silent while we sit here. She did the breaking. "The sky, isn't it lovely?"

"True, just like you."

"Huh?"

"Nothing!" Why did I say that? How could I have allowed such remarks to leave my mouth?

She seems to pay no mind to it. And I can hear her murmur, "I want to be like them." "You don't need to. You are part of it already."

"Oh? So, Jun, if I were one of them, what would I be?"

"You'll glow brilliantly like the sun."

She chuckles at my response. "Why would I be the sun?"

"You consistently shine brightly on your own. Even in a throng, you stand out and have that aura that makes you unique." I responded to her right away. "Everything. The way you appear is flawless. Simply by being there, you might make everyone around you happier. Even on your darkest days, you still have the most radiant grin. You constantly put others before yourself; you are unselfish. That is why the sun is you. You are unique among people. Every aspect about you is ideal."

She keeps quiet. I suddenly became aware of how much I had spoken and how long I had been staring at her distantly after a brief interval. She only sighed slightly before posing the question, "If I become the sun, then what are you, Jun?"

I replied nervously, "I don't know, …Star?"

She chuckles, "Really? Stars are gorgeous" Her voice had me spellbound. But I responded to her, "No."

"What's wrong with being a star?" Her question surprised me. "If you look at the stars, they are little in comparison to the sun and moon. I'm aware that stars are large no matter how you look at them, so please stop before you want to say anything" I sigh, "The sun always stands out. Stars are merely some white spots in the night sky from the earth."

She softly calls my name, "Jun, People continue to make wishes under the stars, regardless of how brilliant the sun is." She comforts me with a gentle voice. She touched her forehead with mine while holding my face in both of her hands.

She gave me a soft hug and gave my back a round rubdown. I also do the same for her, encircling her waist and pulling her close to my chest. confirming that she was indeed here, that she wasn't just a dream, and that she truly was on my hold.

"Want to know a secret, Jun?" She spoke quietly, nearly whispering. "Am I deserving enough to be privy to your secret?" "You're more than enough," she merely says with a gentle head shake.

Please, Her response simply makes my heart skip a beat. I'm reiterating my optimism. She says softly, "Jun, I like you," She says and falls silent after. "No, I've been in love with you ever since I first saw you"

I can't say anything. My face went red because of her words. Those three words make my mind fuzzy.

She remarked, "Ah, look at the stars." When I gaze up at the sky, I see gorgeous paintings of shooting stars. When they follow one another, it seems magical. To my ears, she murmurs, "Jun, let's make a wish." I nod, assuming that she must be grinning even though I can't see it.

I squeezed her more firmly. And I sincerely, silently pray that this moment would never end.

#junpei yoshino #junpei yoshino x reader #jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu fanfic #jujutsu fluff #jujutsu kaisen fluff #jujutsu imagines #jujutsu kaisen fanfic

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cevtoons · 9 months

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I like it here on tumblr, where I can just continue to shout to the void and ignore the fact I’m being perceived. I like the silence. I like the lack of response sometimes. Maybe I am a little overstimulated by social media. Just a little.

I set things down for a little today after having a rough day. It was nice. I wish I had the ability to do that more often. I am considering making this place my official ramble zone. Perhaps I could spout my head off about the things I don’t share on my louder more spotlit plaforms. It’s nice to take a breath from where you’re constantly viewed, you know? I think I’m tired.

I miss LMK. I feel like my active public expression of interest has been watering itself down because of how much I’ve been avoiding LMKtwt. I have fun in lmktwt sometimes, don’t get me wrong. But like I said, sometimes social media can be so overstimulating. Twt especially. It seems there’s a problem consistently in lmktwt these days, so I’ve been avoiding it a lot. I keep indulging in other interests to cope with hiatus as well. And while I know this doesn’t mean I love LMK any less, it does leave me sad at the thought and fear that what would happen if I fell out of love with this show I love so dearly just bc I’m overstimulated and tired by social media? I won’t think too hard about it. I’ll let things come as they do. I’m still very much in love with LMK. Perhaps I just need a bit of a break. But I love my community and the people I’ve brought together in this community.. sometimes, however, it’s hard not to worry that eventually I will wrap things up in this fandom and say goodbye to a chapter that I hold dear to me. I worry that my audience will not stick around. I wonder if it matters to me, if it should matter at all, if I’m wrong for caring? So I’m taking my time to remind myself to love my other interests, to find value in the cherished moments I’m experiencing now rather than worrying about situations that haven’t even happened yet and might very well not… I’m reminding myself that who cares!! Who cares if people don’t stick around after I eventually move onto the next fandom, people come and go all the time in life and it’s okay to find a new audience that will enjoy my stuff. I like the peace that stepping away gives me.

I feel refreshed. Thanks for listening, silly tumblr followers. If you see me a little inactive on Twt, assume I’m busy or simply just keeping distant from it for my own sake. I’m content with the current state of my rlshp w social media and my presence on it. That is not a common thing for me. So I’m just enjoying my time.

Love ya guys, remember to put your well-being first and foremost.

#cev txtpost #cevtoons rambles

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fvneral-m00n · 10 months

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Lately I be on xanax, heroin, subutex, pregabalin, meth, coke, acid, ghb. These are all p much how I pass my time. Iv died so many times I feel invisible. That's a lie. I know how fragile I am. So I roll the dice every day. Cuz I feel dead anyway. So why not. I can't eat. The part of me that tells me I'm not real, a ghost, it turns the food to mush in my mouth. I know it's just hallucinations. I spoke to my therapist. She's helping me for cotard delusion. I guess when you've died over 5 times in a short span and had like 50 close calls. When you know the pain of cpr and the stab in My back where it got fucked up that constantly reminds me I'm just in hell. Purgatory. I can't die. I am dead. Or never born. The snake eating its own tail. I die. I come back. I die I come back. My first NDE was at 11 or 12 years old. I almost drowned canoeing in white water when my spray deck got stuck and a few months later the sports mom that she was my mom pushed me to enact it again so I would get back to boating and I fumbled again. Both times wholey accepting death before I was helped. Since then death snuck up on me. I'd wake up to friends crying and shaking holding narcan...or with oxygen layed out on the floor. Breathing into a ventilator. Its easier to accept I'm in hell than anything else. I'd rather rejoice my death than think that I will go through it again. But I will...cause I always do. I'm the snake eating its own tail. They will keep bringing me back while I beg and plead to be able to rest in peace. I lose more of myself each time. They will bring me back but I wonder. Should I empty my naloxone. Fill it with water.

I forget to drink and eat since I don't have those needs. I stumble around dazed in the heated. I feel like a seizure waiting to happen. My partner softly reminds me to drink but without him I wouldn't have the instinct. I just dissociate. I'm stuck in the spider web of traumatic response. My body fighting itself making itself sicker from my past. My mind is making me ill.

#mental health #addict #addiction #cross addiction #dead #i feel dead #nausea #dying #slow suicide #cotards delusion #cotards syndrome #the walking dead #walking dead #walking corpse #suicidal

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havitly · 2 years

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Anime characters that remind me of TRENDZ

-> cw: none

-> wc: 881

-> a/n: this is just my opinion, and if you find any grammatical error or similar let me know, English is not my first language

Havit - Tamaki Amajiki

It's a coincidence, that I saw my hero academy through Tamaki and started supporting TRENDZ because Havit stole my attention and the similarity I find in both is quiet. Tamaki is a character who is introverted and distant to a certain extent with his friends he also gets nervous easily and Havit is someone similar, he is introverted and self-conscious if you see his interactions with the other members of the group it is limited to a few words, a few laughs, nods and big smiles, perhaps they differ in that, but Havit finds it difficult to speak in public or in front of the cameras, sometimes even asking the member closest to him for help to speak on his behalf, but he has a great presence in the stage and if he wants to, he can deal with these situations just like his countenance changes when he sings and dances, similar to what happens with Tamaki on the battlefield.

Leon - Denki

Leon and Denki are energetic people, although Leon is infp next to others, he shows his bright personality and charm, he is flirtatious by nature, even describing himself as "sexy" remind me of Denki's relaxed attitude and his flirtations towards some girls, like that time he tried to flirt with Shiozaki but it ended badly, both are usually trusting and are for their own letting it be known subtly since both give me the impression of constantly being in a world isolated from reality but when the time comes moment they leave this to face the real world. This is not to mention the style both of them have that gives me a cool and carefree air but never stops stealing glances.

Yoonwoo - Draken

Leaving aside the part where Draken is impulsive in some cases and even rude the part where he is caring, attentive and his love language could be considered acts of service, as I think of Choonghyun, seeing the way he is the one that takes care of the members of Toman, especially as he did with Mickey reminds me of the videos in which Choong looks after Yechan or is aware of Hankook, there is even a clip where he carries Hankook on his back or that video where he tries to help Havit stop crying after performing TNT at the debut showcase. I mean, behind that intimidating facade is a cute, sweet guy who likes to take care of his friends.

Hankook - Daichi

Starting from the fact that they are both captains or leaders of their teams/groups, they both transmit security and peace to me when I see them or hear their voices, they are friendly, social, and impose respect on those they lead, Hankook has been like the older brother of the 03L and Yechan, has taken care of them since they were children. He practically watched 'em grow! And you can see from the way the boys treat him and the harmony and treatment they give him, that he takes his position and responsibilities seriously and knows the importance of taking care of personal health and of others, just like Daichi, who is respected for his team, inspiring them with the confidence that he continues to maintain today in the manga.

Ra.L - Kenji

As soon as I saw that photo of Ra.ll with blonde hair and the flowers, I couldn't help but remember Kenji, and after thinking about it for a bit I realized that they have a great resemblance. Both are kind and a smile always adorns their face, his cheerful personality along with his cute aura is something that attracts people around him, like all the members revolve around him and even I find myself happy every time I see or hear him it's hard not to go towards him when he's so sweet and attentive Maybe he doesn't share as much with Kenji but he keeps reminding me of him.

Eunil - Nishinoya

They are both energetic and hyperactive, but they also have their serious and serene moments, in turn, the two of them can be seen mostly being a tornado of energy, which is something that I have realized when seeing the content they publish on YouTube and Twitter Eunil enjoys going around telling jokes and joking with others or even telling little anecdotes about himself or others. His hyperactivity and enthusiasm can be seen mostly on the occasions when the members perform some fun, dynamic and his joy can be spread through the screen and that's what Nishinoya makes me feel when watching him in action during his practices or official matches.

Yechan - Hinata Shoyo

With the cute Yechan it's like seeing the sunshine, he walks and brightens the day of others with his brightness, I remember that the first video I saw about them, apart from the TNT debut video, was Yoonwoo's birthday where the little He begins to explain that his gift consists of his sweaty cap and some things that I manage to take from Yoonwoo himself, he is a 16-year-old boy just like Shoyo in his high school version, so it is easy for me to see them both as one, the harmonious smile and with that mischievous air apart from the childish side that both carry due to their age but that does not exempt them from giving everything to strive for what they are passionate about.

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an-impulsive-black-hole · 2 months

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Today was a difficult day.

I spent most of the day playing the guitar and staying in bed because my mind was wandering again to places I promised I’d never go to again. The anxiety today was so intense that even strumming the guitar felt too difficult because my hands were furiously shaking for no reason at all. I couldn’t really figure out what’s triggering it but it felt so lonely and sad and empty being in the room and just staring at the nothingness.

So I went out, got a haircut and went for a run. I took the photo above after my run and I took some time to look around UP. I will say that it did calm my nerves. I started running since December last year and I must say that I’m seeing a lot of progress. I’ve gotten really strong now. When I first started running, I’d stop and start catching my breath after three lampposts but now, I can run around the oval easily.

One of the things that brings me calm and peace is looking at nature. I just love how looking at the vastness of trees reminds me of possibilities. I love how looking at nature reminds me of the infiniteness of the universe, and how we’re all tiny specks of dust in this mysteriously wonderful word we’re in. I love how when I look at this wide expanse of land filled with greenery, all my sad thoughts just fade away. I guess today, looking at nature worked. I was able to get rid of the anxious thoughts and keep myself calm.

After my run, I have come up with a major move I promise to hold on to this year: I need to take a break from dating and romantic relationships. The past year has been traumatic and there’s a lot of grieving, healing, and rebuilding that needs to be done. I think one of the reasons I have not been feeling okay the past days is because seeing new people is unconsciously bringing up a lot of trauma I had in the past.

A guy I dated once weeks ago prompted me to set a boundary and it was so uncomfortable. After the first week talking and consistently video calling, he was suddenly asking me to constantly update him and even requiring me to send update photos. There was once a conversation where he seemingly didn’t believe who I told him I’m with. We aren’t talking anymore. I think he felt offended by me asking for space. I didn’t meant to but I needed to set that boundary. I guess choosing yourself has its consequences, too.

I think that incident brought me to a time where I was so used to giving and giving and giving, saying yes to people and partners even when what they want does not align with my values and principles in life. It brought me to a time where I smothered people in love and affection so that they wouldn’t leave. It brought me to a time where I continuously chase people, even those who do not want anything to do with me. It brought me to a time where I need to beg for people’s attention and for people to stay. So, when I saw that pattern, I suddenly went into defense mode and set that boundary. To be honest, this was one of the first times I did that for myself. I might not be good at it yet but it’s a start. His response tells me that it wasn’t meant to be, but I should probably still say sorry.

There’s also this guy who I met on Bumble. This guy is really cute and mukhang burgis (I guess?). We were talking for some time, quite on and off. He’s from Cavite (Etivaaaaac where the good shit at?) and the distance was quite a concern. We planned to go on a date after the holy week. But, my main concern is the lack of follow through. We couldn’t start or maintain a proper conversation online. All I get are good mornings and good nights and even those have also ceased. I know I promised myself not to use online communication as a surefire way of getting to know a person but this one, I’ve fallen in a deep hole in.

You know how as an anxious attacher, you create these elaborate narratives in your head to make you feel safe? I’ve gotten to that point with this guy. I found myself one day this week thinking about the things we’d do in the future - how we’ll sleep over each other’s houses and we’ll make each other breakfast and stuff. That’s the level of delulu I’ve gotten with this one. I feel silly telling all about this now but it is what it is. I’m afraid I’ve started putting this person on a pedestal, not conscious of what’s happening in reality, in the present.

The lack of communication is taking me back to the time where I deem texting and chatting as the primary means of getting to know a person, not mindful of how they treat me in person. This takes me back to a time where I make it a habit to chase feelings, and think of online affection as love. And I don’t want to follow breadcrumbs anymore. I don’t want to believe in unrealistic and easily fading sources and forms of love anymore.

I don’t think it’s so much about what these people did and didn’t do that’s really bringing up the trauma, but mostly my response to their actions or lack thereof that’s mostly problematic. This tells me that I am not yet okay. I thought I was. Hence, I think it’s clear to me that being in a romantic relationship is not something I should actively pursue for now. I will focus on healing and rebuilding so that when someone comes, I am not shortchanging this person by being a nervous mess, trauma dumping, or responding to situations based on fear and pain.

I can do this.

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byte-the-bullet · 3 months

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The world outweighs us (Ch/page 2)

(So for context, perspective swaps are common in this specific story.)

(Sanji’s point of view.)

Vish is finally settled down, he looks peaceful right now. His eyes are fluttering as he sleeps, I can only imagine what he’s dreaming about. He’s always been such a hyper kid, a bit childish and constantly talking-so I can only wonder what that brain of his is thinking about. Turning my attention back to Page, I try to be polite as I question her-“Page, why are you so willing to let us into your car and take us somewhere?” I was told outsiders were hostile and crude, but also distrustful of everyone. “Well I believe your story-we’ve had a lot of cult activity out here and a lot of escapees need help getting adjusted.” She responded, and by now I’m a bit suspicious-Page is putting herself in danger then not addressing the danger she’s in. Also, what’s a cult? I’ll ask later. “Yes, but you’re directly placing yourself in danger by taking two random men into your car and outside security.” I reply, and Page’s eyes go wide in shock. “So Vish isn’t a girl?” She says, utter disbelief and mild confusion painted on her face. “Ah. I understand now-well, despite Vish’s appearance and high-pitched voice, no. Vish is male.” I explain this, holding back laughter as to not wake Vish up. He’d be so offended if he heard that-Vish has always been a little insecure, but hearing that would definitely damage his little ego. Page definitely seems a little more worried for her safety now, but is trying not to show it. “Oh. Uhm, that’s interesting! Is uh, is it trans or something?” Did Page just call Vish an… ‘It’? What the- “Pardon? No. I don’t even know what trans is. And please, Vish is not some creature-he’s Vish.” Page hears my response and giggles softly, but there’s nothing to be laughing about. “I’m sorry, I keep forgetting that you guys have no experience out in the real world.” She finds this ordeal hilarious, and her laughter is contagious-I have to keep myself from laughing a little. “Ah, I see. Page, where are you going with us, anyways?” Page clearly didn’t think this through, she opened her mouth to speak then immediately shut it. “Well, are you two hurt?” She asks, “No, we aren’t.” I reply, “Well, the police here are pretty friendly-and they’re usually pretty bored with how calm this place is. Do you want me to leave you at the police station?” Page says this, again forgetting that I have no idea what a police station is. “Oh, of course Page, just casually leave me and Vish alone in a place we don’t understand and have no idea how to navigate properly-filled with people who undoubtedly will treat us poorly.” I replied, a flat tone and glare used. “Calm down-I’ll just take you two to my place-no worries.” Page says, laughing at my sarcasm-or maybe at me. Either way, I don’t care, to her-Vish and I are still threats-so keeping her trust is necessary. Now, it’s time to calculate… If I ask her what a cult is now, she’ll take that to my advantage-she’ll think I’m less intelligent and it’ll remind her that she knows more than me. “Page, what’s a cult?” She reacted just how I thought she would-thinking that she’s going to explain this and I’ll magically be convinced that this outside world is better than our sector.

“Your church, they have rules and punishments for stuff, right?” I nod yes, and she continues speaking-“Well, you don’t have that here. Basically, we have rules, yeah, but those rules are much more relaxed. Basic stuff like don’t murder people, don’t hurt people, and don’t steal stuff.” Something tells me that she’s right, but does that mean that this place is free? Free from our God? “So, if I wanted to wear mixed textiles, or eat sugar before sunrise, I could?” I ask, and she looks extremely confused. “Er… Yeah? What happened before when you… Uh…” She says, obviously concerned. Well, I may have followed all the rules perfectly-but I remembered the punishments well. “For mixing textiles, we were forced to eat the offending textiles. For eating sugar before sunrise, we had a tooth pulled.” I remembered when I’d seen one of the children accidentally wear two different colors on the same day, poor thing. But Vish was allowed to do whatever he’d pleased, he was our Saint’s son, after all. “What the fuck?! They did that to you? Seriously-they actually pulled your teeth! And- And how do you even eat something like that..?” I wasn’t expecting Page to freak out like that, she’s acting like this is something barbaric. It’s normal for us, so why is she so appalled? “Well, yes. I don’t see the probl-“ She slams on the car’s lower pedal, making the car halt-and waking up Vish and whipping around to look at me. “They were torturing you two! How are you so damn calm?!” Thank god Vish was too disoriented to notice her pure horror, instead clinging to me and falling asleep again. “Page, understand that we grew up with this-this is normal to us.” I tried to calm her, I’d never heard a woman cry out like that-and Vish was whining again, like a child who’s having a nightmare. “I can’t… I don’t believe that you could put up with that…” Page sighs, shaking her head, and continuing to move the car. “I don’t understand.” I say to myself, completely on accident. In all reality, I do understand-this world outside the church, I’ve… Been here before.

#bytethebullet #original story #story #WIP

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brolantra · 3 months

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I’m honestly a really sweet person. The way I’ve preserved this sweetness despite the poison I’ve been force fed, was learning to fiercely protect this part of me.. by any means necessary. My story is dark and hard and although I have an equally dark shadow, I have it under voluntary control. It doesn’t control me. I have to actively work on it and keep myself balanced though because I have a smart ass mouth.. while sometimes it’s necessary, other times it’s just not. Saying slick shit is really just second nature tho. Im genuinely surprised I haven’t been punched in my face more times in my life. I also have violent tendencies, and not in a cute funny haha she wants people to think she’s dangerous kind of way. I have to actively avoid physical altercations and even some verbal altercations with certain people because I know exactly where ima take it. And if I get past a certain point I’m not gonna care about the outcome or consequences. I have to have a lot of self control because I can’t afford not to. I’m not proud of my hyper vigilance, but it was born out of necessity. I am proud of the ways I’ve gone within to reprogram myself tho, and I’m proud of my willingness and ability to address my issues and do what I can to fix my own problems. I am proud of the strides I’ve made toward total self awareness and radical accountability. I’ll do whatever I have to do to protect my energy. I’ll do whatever I have to do to protect my spirit, my heart, my time, and my peace. Even if that means using my discernment and reminding someone why I shouldn’t be played with. I am looking forward to the day I finally feel like I don’t have to be in constant defense mode tho man. I know ultimately that’s what this past year has been about.. feeling what I need to feel so I can release it and move on… Learning to trust God with every cell in my body and every fiber of my being. Controlling what I can control (which is myself) and letting God handle the rest. Trusting in my own neuroplasticity and capacity for great change. Hyper vigilance is a learned behavior, and anything we learn can be unlearned. But learned behaviors are just old habits, and we all know old habits die hard. Lord knows I be trying… I really got ptsd tho and it’s hard. I thought things would be easier to manage once I got diagnosed and I knew exactly what was going on with my brain… but it only got harder. Because that’s when the real responsibility kicked in. Because I wasn’t being called to just manage or cope with these things.. I was being called to really heal them. And there’s no one I can really lean on other than God. Cuz I don’t know anyone who’s doing what I’m doing.. healing to the degree in which I’m striving for. They’re walking their own path, but not even the ones closest to me fully understand what it is I’m trying to accomplish. I can talk about it til I’m blue in the face and still no one understands. It’s hard for others to believe you have the ability to heal yourself, even with proof.. because they have a core belief that they themselves are damaged beyond repair. And they’ll project that belief on to you. It’s not even malicious… but some of the people I love the most can’t even really hear me fr. Cuz they don’t get it… they couldn’t receive a map even if they were looking and asking for one. Cuz they genuinely don’t believe it’s possible. I have built my entire life on top of not laying down and just accepting defeat.. so I personally don’t mesh well with that way of being. Constantly being reminded my calling was for me.. it wasn’t a conference call. It gets so lonely because you look outward for support and you’re met with a bunch of superficial, uninformed nonsense. God isolated me for a reason. Every time I think I’m about to exit hermit mode I’m thrown right back in like “aht aht, you got more work to do. More to address. More to transmute & transcend.” Im tired. I’m frustrated. I’m emotionally exhausted. But I know I wouldn’t have been thrown down this path if there wasn’t victory attached to it. I trust God with everything in me.

If I don’t vent every once in a while I feel as though my blog is losing its original purpose. Ok I’m done now 🤧

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bloos-bloo · 3 months

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So a little different from what I normally post on here. But I’ve been keeping up with Shelby coming out about the abuse Wilbur did to her. And the way that the internet is handling this like it’s some drama? Like no? The fuck it isn’t?? It’s literally a crime-

A human bite is so fucking dangerous and the fact that she had MULTIPLE BITES? Insane?? What the fuck?

I will admit, I avoided watching her stream since I’m also an abuse survivor. I constantly undermine my experiences- I hate calling myself a victim because I don’t believe the severity of it was as bad as it could have been. But, listening to Shelby talk about her trauma made me realize that abuse is abuse.

I’m gonna go on a small rant here- just because this whole thing has been kinda sending me in a spiral-

I listened to the stream and I sympathized with her and understood her. When you’re in an abusive situation, it’s really hard to find it in yourself to get out. Finding reasons why the bruises aren’t bad and that it could be worse. Trying to get people to understand that it’s not your abusers fault, that you did something to piss them off. I get that- I went through that.

I was a kid. My abuser was a kid. He would either use his or my own body to get me to listen to him. We were in middle school for fuck sake- Did he hit me? Yes. Did he verbally assault me? Yes. Were we both minors? Yes. Does this make my situation seem less than any other? I don’t know- Again, I can’t bring myself to fully accept the fact that I am a victim despite the fact it happened a few years ago at this point.

Now, the half-assed apology Wilbur posted deadass reminded me of mine. When someone is caught, they do everything to pin the reason for their actions on anybody else but themselves. And that’s what he did. He apologized for her feelings getting hurt, not the fact that he caused it. I went through that, but I was forced to accept the apology through my school officials- I had to so we can ‘maintain the peace’. I love the fact that Shelby publicly said that she didn’t accept it. She was so strong for so long- she didn’t deserve that, nobody does.

And the fact that people online are trying to force responses out of EVERYBODY? They shouldn’t do that- and again, I understand taking time to recollect. You know how long I spent staying around my abuser just because I had friends who still talked to him? So long. But at the same time, I couldn’t drop him either for a while- He was my best friend- and despite the fact he hurt me so badly. I couldn’t drop him.

Give people time to say something. It’s a LOT harder than it seems- it’s different for fans since we don’t know CCs beyond the internet, but for CCs who talking irl and have been for years? It’s so damn hard-

To other abuse survivors: Remember that you are loved, you are strong, and you are so fucking brave.

Please give all your support to Shelby, and fuck Wilbur.

#bloo’s talks #Please support victims #tw abuse #I don’t know what to tag for these kinds of posts tbh #also this is as open as I will get about my experiences-#it’s still hard for me to talk about since I only remember bits and pieces #I used to have screenshots #but those were on an old phone that I can’t find #But yeah- dealing with something that serious at such a young age fucked me up #I still struggle with relapses #like bad ones-#it hurts to get in relationships sometimes because of it #which is weird since it was a friendship? but I was nearly manipulated into a relationship #love yourself #remember that #also I said something similar to this on my Twitter #but writing out something like this kinda helps yk?#support shelby #seemed like a better tag tbf

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sheistamararose · 9 months

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Father's Day is a powerful piece of work. I am still in tears.

Christians aren't perfect. Some of us acknowledge this and know that we are struggling and carrying a lot of pain. However, we are expected to be different, walk different, and talk different and many of us do, but we are also human. We are not perfect alone but with God we are made perfect.

Everyday I am reminded of the power of God. Even when it hurts and even when it's difficult, I am reminded of how great God is. I think to myself often, who would I be and where would I be if I didn't trust and believe in God and what Jesus's life and story has meant and still means for my life. How would I see people? Would I constantly live in the parts of myself that feel so dark and lost? It is highly likely because when I try to separate my mind from that of the person I could be if I didn't acknowledge God's hand in my life, I feel a deep sadness, pain, and heaviness that can't be described. But, because I know and believe there is a God and I believe Jesus died for my sins, I know there is always a chance for me to see the brighter days, maintain hope, keep fighting for my calling, purpose, and place in this world not on my own behalf but on behalf of my Heavenly Father.

Watching Kirk's story made me cry for many reasons because children often need and want to know their parents and their families. They need and want to know their story. It is especially difficult when you are adopted, a foster child, or a child who doesn't know one or both of your parents. You're often watching others around you who seem to know more of who they are than you do. You are constantly questioning yourself, your identity, and your why in concert with the story that others are crafting for you.That's a lot to carry as a child and depending on who you are and your circumstances, it's even more difficult to face as an adult, because so much time has usually been lost and your understanding is far more advanced. You can't get back what was lost and your ability to choose your levels of responsibility in the healing process and what can oftentimes feel like self-inflicted pain is that much more real and present. Therefore, achieving peace feels a little more difficult to obtain.

Where would I be without knowing God's power? How weak and alone I would be? Who would Kirk Franklin be if he hadn't found a friend in God? Who would he have been if he had known his biological father and his Father which art in heaven growing up? These are some of the questions that I asked while watching this short documentary. I was left writing this post and saying to myself, "He can only write the story going forward now while still working to heal the pain of the little boy he still holds inside, and that kind of journey, much like the one he had been living not knowing his story, requires strength, more patience, and the power of something greater. I am glad he still has a friend in Jesus even though he may find himself angry with God and his circumstances at times throughout his process."

2 Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Psalm 147:3-6

3 He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.

4 He telleth the number of the astars; he calleth them all by their names.

5 Great is our Lord, and of great power: his understanding is infinite.

#FathersDay #Healing #Love #GodsLove

youtube

#Youtube

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jdgo51 · 10 months

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DAILY DEVOTIONAL FOR AUGUST 17, 2023

Time with Christ

By Mihiri de Silva (Sri Lanka)

READ JOHN 1:35-42

'“Come,” [Jesus] replied, “and you will see.” So they went and saw where he was staying, and they spent that day with him."'

JOHN 1:39 (NIV)

"My job requires me to interact with many people, and that demands a lot of patience. I constantly have to keep in mind that the Lord has called me for this purpose, and therefore it is my responsibility. Because a project I was working on was nearing completion, the workload on a particular day was heavy. I was unable to cope because I was continually faced with questions from others. I felt no peace within me, and I was agitated.

During that week, I was reading John 1 where Andrew was looking for the place where Jesus was staying. Jesus’ reply to Andrew in John 1:39 challenged me. At the end of my reading time, I paused and asked myself, What am I searching for? During this time, the Holy Spirit reminded me that I should stop and rest at the feet of Jesus, so I spent some time in meditation. This quality time I spent with Christ blessed me with calm and renewed my faith. The peace in my mind enabled me to think clearly, and I saw how to address the issues at work. This experience reminded me that when I spend time meditating on God’s word, I can find peace that surpasses understanding." Spend time with God and so many things can be made easy. He will just comfort you enough or entice you into some contemplating moments. These moments bring the peace and comfort you are needing.

TODAY'S PRAYER

"Dear Jesus, amid all our responsibilities, guide us to spend quiet time at your feet and listen to your voice." Amen.

John 1:35-42

""35 The next day John was standing again with two of his disciples. 36 When he saw Jesus walking along he said, “Look! The Lamb of God!” 37 The two disciples heard what he said, and they followed Jesus. 38 When Jesus turned and saw them following, he asked, “What are you looking for?” They said, “Rabbi (which is translated Teacher), where are you staying?” 39 He replied, “Come and see.” So they went and saw where he was staying, and they remained with him that day. It was about four o’clock in the afternoon. 40 One of the two disciples who heard what John said and followed Jesus was Andrew, the brother of Simon Peter. 41 He first found his own brother Simon and said to him, “We have found the Messiah” (which is translated Christ ). 42 He led him to Jesus. Jesus looked at him and said, “You are Simon, son of John. You will be called Cephas” (which is translated Peter)."' Meeting Jesus was very interesting the days of the scripture, but just as interesting today. You never know what transformation you will experience. Blessings! Joe

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badbacksadsack · 11 months

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I am literally forcing myself to be the bigger person, my ex is disrespectful, hurtful and shameless but I have to stay focused if I want to keep myself and my mental health safe. I know as much as it hurts right now, as much as I feel betrayed, this feeling temporary. I know he is already fetishising and using someone else, robbing them of their money and mental energy but as much as I’m hurt to my core, I have to recognise that this is a win, because I am in control of my life, not other people’s actions and honestly that’s not who I want to give access to me anymore. And as much as I didn’t want to do this alone again. I know taking care of myself and my mental health is my only priority. That also includes not airing out my dirty laundry and business in front people who weren’t involved or honestly don’t have to listen; family, friends, colleagues, it is no longer my burden to deal with proving to or having others validate that I am in pain. It feels like a performance. I am finally getting over my over responsibility to constantly worry about this person, feeling like I HAD to get that (horrible) person to where they needed to be, but also understanding that I have bigger things to focus on and another persons goal should never have been my goal. I can’t help but feel so used by them, but I know I was also offering help. I hate being so self sacrificing sometimes, that sick pleasure in helping take care of broken birds. I really couldn’t understand why anything wasn’t being reciprocated, I remember thinking back then, every time I got nothing in return when I was expected to give everything I felt like my ancestors were probably wondering the same thing. I could no longer allow myself to be someone’s stepping stone. To be stepped on so someone else can get to where they want to get to, I have so much grace and intrinsic value as a human being even if it didn’t feel like that before. I deserve much more than I’ve ever allowed myself or been allowed to have. I will not let others define me. And I will sit with myself as I cry, every day if I have to if that’s what it takes to heal, because I’ve never felt that before. I am reminding myself gently that I am whole by myself, I was carrying the team on my own in my last relationship and I want my future love to be my equal. But even before that I want to love myself unconditionally, I am trying my absolute best. when I’m upset, I’m learning how to create safe and calm spaces, when I’m triggered, I’m self reflecting more rather than jumping to blame. I did not ask to experience what I have and I will not blame myself for trying my absolute hardest to make that joyless trauma bonded situation work. Bitterness, spite or vengeance won’t bring me joy or lasting peace, it just robs me of the time and space to create happier moments. I genuinely want to feel better because that’s what I know I deserve. I have to create that peace and stability or it won’t just happen. I hope that I can manifest a much calmer, wholesome existence from this point forwards. Is it cliche to start a vision board? who cares actually, maybe recreating what has worked for others, to help keep that goal or vision for a individual version of a great life is the key 🔑 I’m struggling but who isn’t, I will validate myself more because I always needed someone, anyone to say I was doing a good job and at 27 I’m realising that I can be that for myself

#loner #dysphoria #self deprecation #isolation #executive dysfunction #low self-esteem #depresso #anxious avoidant #isolated #actually bpd

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melcatshenanigans · 1 year

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Snow Daze

Have you ever been so excited to see the sun in the middle of winter, even when it was so bright, glistening off the snow, that you couldn’t open your eyes? The bone-chilling breeze conflicting with the warmth of the sun rays, each one desperately trying to overpower the other. Have you ever had to take breaks, alternating having one eye barely squinting, while having the other shut to protect yourself from the vengeful beams bouncing off the blankets of snow? Have you ever experienced the stillness of snow, where it was so quiet that you were painfully aware of the volume of your own heartbeat? There aren’t many things more beautiful, more breathtaking, more awe-inspiring than a sunny day in January— in your favorite valley, by your favorite lake and forest, with your best friend. But you’re not here anymore.

The same trails we’ve walked for years now, partially indented, but still draped in snow. In the forest up ahead, it’s worse. The trails there are coated as much as the ones out here in the valley, but it’s hard to see where all the roots are sticking up. So, we get to enjoy a peaceful trot through the trails in the valley, admiring the view of the ice-covered lake nearby. That is, until reaching the forest, then we have to focus on our feet, unless we wish to fall face-first into the pile of snow below. Normally, you lead the way into the forest, so I can still soak in the scenery while galloping along behind you, without a care in the world, because you’re there to guide me and to catch me if I fall. Well, you used to be.

The breeze off the lake is the worst. Even with the warmth of the sun shining down, nothing chills your bones worse than wind coming off the lake. Still, it’s a beautiful sight; one that makes you hopeful for the future, and happy to be alive. It’s almost worth the painful breeze. I wonder, do you feel the same breeze where you are? Or is it warmer there? Are there lakes there, to sharpen the wind as it rolls over the waves? Can you feel anything there at all?

These walks used to be so detrimental to my wellbeing. Regardless of season, I loved getting out and walking through the forest, absorbing all of nature’s beautiful sights. I recharged my soul by having my steps align with yours, crushing the lingering twigs after you, cruising to the beat of our conversation, without a care in the world about time or responsibilities. Now my steps are out of rhythm, the sun only comes out to blind me, the wind freezes every cell in my body, and every root sticking from the ground is a painful reminder of my lonely existence in this miserable forest.

You know, occasionally, I walk outside and forget. I forget that you’re not here, holding my hand, guiding me through the forest. I forget how many winters have passed since you last joined me in a snowball fight, held my hand by the lake, and broke the silence of the snowstorm with your lips grazing mine. Then, the first breeze hits, and I remember. It always hurts, coming to the realization that you’re gone. It feels like I got stabbed in the chest with an icicle; sharp, cold, and painful. I struggle to grasp for the breath that I had just lost, and clench my chest like it’ll help remedy the emotional pain I’m fighting.

For a while I tried to keep to my routine, walking through the valley to the forest in the mornings and evenings, but would often lose myself immediately. Usually a few steps into the valley, my eyes begin to water. My hand instinctually reaches for you, but you’re not there, which is immediately followed by another sharp pain in the chest. I can only get myself to attempt this journey once every few weeks. Now, when I do venture out in the winter: my fingers remain cold, my steps remain cautious, and my face remains almost constantly covered in a freezing stream of tears.

#creative writing #productivity #short story #beginner #beginner writer #writing #heartbreak #greif #loss #coping #mental health #i'm tired

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