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#i am so sorry that this is a horrible wall of text
buggachat · 3 months
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im gonna be honest i think the "adrien being a sentimonster was randomly thrown in season 4 with no planning on the writers' part" theory is really funny. like the writers of this show are just so bad at their job and so stupid that they tripped and fell in season 1 episode mr pigeon and accidentally spilled "a strange relationship to feathers" all over adrien by accident. they stubbed their toe on the coffee table and accidentally set up a mystery surrounding emilie's relationship to a feathery miraculous in season 1 volpina before we even knew what its powers were. then they spilled coffee all over their favorite shirts and at the same time spilled more white feathers around adrien in season 2 episode gorizilla. while writing the same episode someone had a really nasty sneeze and got boogers all over the script that said "use the imagery of two twin rings intertwined as the opener for the film of adrien's dead mother". they forgot to look both ways before crossing the street while writing the season 2 finale and were struck by a truck labeled "the peacock miraculous gives life" and then by a second truck with the license plate "it does so using white feathers identical to the white feathers that surround adrien in his ads" at the same time. they plummeted down an open manhole and hit the ground with a loud whack that sounded like "sentimonsters like bugette are just as real as any human..... and isn't bugette so...... perfect?" in season 3. on their way to the hospital they slipped on ice that had frozen in such a way to perfectly resemble the sentence "the word 'perfect' is consistently used throughout the series and by the creator ominously to denote how characters like adrien and kagami are 'different from everyone else', ever since season 1 episode simon says". during season 3 someone on the team got food poisoning and when they threw up felix came out instead and started another whacky series of comedic errors. the answer to the mystery of "how and why did emilie die? what life did adrien's loving mother create that she was willing to die for?" was originally gonna be "idk maybe she just exploded or somehting" probably, but then there was a really painful rock in one of the writers' shoes while walking to work that put them in a mood so bad that they forgot their original plan and instead made some bullshit up that somehow ended up being something that made sense with what we knew and put all the puzzle pieces together and actually made the show even more interesting and impactful on a rewatch because it put a lot of shots that at the time seemed random into a new and logical perspective as clear foreshadowing. it's actually impressive how stupid these silly clown writers are that they put strangely specific things so consistently throughout the entire series that resembled foreshadowing while never actually having intended it a single time! like........... really.......... really impressive............... i think..............
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emily-mooon · 8 months
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Sometimes I just feel like writing a fic where chapters are episodic and I don’t have to elongate an event cause I finished it in one chapter.
And this is where I pull out a fake presentation talking about a 1930s Jancy au that is a slow burn friends to lovers where they get into weird situations and go on adventures like it’s a book written by L.M. Montgomery and has a similar energy to Little Women.
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smute · 9 months
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inspired by that tiktok with advice for straight men from an ace person or whatever it was i cant find the post rn anyway the thing is: its not just straight men. there are just as many gay men who seem to be existing within the very narrow confines of permissible gendered behavior and like certain ideals about what your life should look like, and being more concerned with being a palatable hypothetical human being than following their own interests, and living by certain rules that force them to abstain from certain things because they are at odds with their gendered identity or things that could elicit ridicule or idk. cause them to become more ostracized than they already are. and yes to some extent that's a general problem (self presentation social media etc) but its also because masculinity specifically is a prison and ANYWAY i've realized that the call is coming from inside the house :) and instead of moaning about how every guy i meet is so fucking boring it makes me want to put a bullet through my head i will instead start trying to reframe this as a source of motivation for becoming a more interesting and authentic version of myself. as in, do more of what i want and like, and – most importantly – worry less about how i am perceived/stop actively trying to be perceived a certain way
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boydepartment · 5 months
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hiii r u taking requests! if so can you do enhypen reaction where you call them in danger and they get super panicked
pick up- enhypen texts + scenarios
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a/n: HI ANON! i am always taking requests :) i hope you like it!!!!!!
warnings- dangerous scenarios, one reader gets followed, another one burns her hand, they aren’t dark at all tho :) nothing triggering
MASTERLIST
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jungwon-
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you had called jungwon a few minutes ago while walking home and you felt the presence of someone else. it was unusual for you to be walking home late from a study session and other students did too. however your intuition was raising red flags.
- “y/n are you okay? are you safe?” jungwon was panicking, you could hear it in his voice. you knew if he could he would drive over at this moment.
- “i’m okay. i just made it back to my abode. i’m just really shaken up i’m sorry for scaring you and calling you when you were working.”
- “baby please don’t ever apologize, you were scared and i’m glad you come to me for stuff like this.” you heard rustling on his end as you safely locked your door behind you. jungwon spoke up again, “i’m coming over with snacks and stuff. i’ll be there in 15.”
heeseung-
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you were home alone for the first time in years and heard people yelling loudly outside. usually your friend would be home with you but they were off with their family which left you by yourself. during the day you didn’t mind but at night it was different. when you peeked out your window the people were fighting and it scared you. leading you to call heeseung.
- “i’m on my way right now. why didn’t you tell me you were home alone?” heeseung got right to the point when you answered his call.
- “i’m sorry i didn’t think that it was important and i didn’t want you to get in trouble if you came over and-“
- “i don’t care about that. are the people still outside?” heeseung was rushing you could tell.
- “no….”
- “okay i am still on the way. stay on the phone for me pretty.”
jay-
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your hand was on fire, quite literally for a few seconds. and pick up the phone when jay called you back. which led him to rushing over to your home and using his key. immediately he rushed over to you and put your hand under the kitchen sink water. your burns weren’t horrible but they were pretty bad. jay swiftly picked you up and sat you down on the counter so he could wrap your hand.
- “i’m sorry i called when you were with your mom….” you mumbled into his shoulder. you were panicking and that alone made you exhausted.
- “i’m not mad at all baby i promise. is the bandage too tight?”
- you shook your head no and places small kisses on the side of his neck. you were too tired and overwhelmed to thank him. he knew and just swiftly carried you to your room.
jake-
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the first mistake your made was even going to this party. it was a stupid idea and you got roped in. so when the cops showed up and you scaled a wall, breaking your nail, scraping your knees, and falling into a rose bush , you immediately called jake.
- “okay where are you right now?” jake asked, you could hear his pants, jogging to your location on the life 360. he asked you to get it so he could see how close or far you two were always.
- “i’m now sitting next to the rose bu-“
- “ah i see you!” you saw jake jog up to you and kneel, “hop on. i’ll piggy back you to my dorm and we will get you all cleaned up okay?”
sunghoon-
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normally you don’t call sunghoon without asking first. it was just a thing you both did. so when you called he was immediately concerned.
- “baby can you hear me ? are you okay?” sunghoon frantically asked when you picked up.
- “i’m okay…. i just got scared because there was a loud noise in the library i’m sorry i panicked. you’re away again and i got paranoid without you.” you whispered into the phone. sunghoon tried not to softly smile, he missed you so much.
- “im here princess. talk to me tell me about your day. please.”
sunoo-
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your day was terrible. the week prior you and sunoo got caught getting coffee at 4am, and your face was covered thankfully, however, engenes are still sometimes crazy so you were paranoid. when you went to get groceries today, you had a couple of them go up to you and ask about your keychain. which was in the photo. obviously you played dumb but it was still scary.
- “they asked about your keychain? why don’t you take it off now?” sunoo asked, you were putting groceries away now.
- “you got it for me when you went to italy. i don’t want to take it off it reminds me of you.” you said and reached the top shelf.
- sunoo smiled to himself, “i’ll get you a new one. i’ll get you as many as you want.”
riki-
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you and riki had gone out to a themepark. no one knew except staff and the other members, you wanted a date and something nice to do since you both don’t get this a lot. the day was going great, and you both didn’t have a care in the world at the moment. at some point you both took bathroom breaks and were separated. as you waited by the men’s bathroom you decided to check your phone for the first time in hours. you saw tweets from a few seconds ago and they were of you, and riki. your eyes widened and you immediately went to a nook of the amusement park to call him. wanting to just hide away.
- “y/n where are you? you were supposed to be waiting for me outside of the bathroom? y/n what is going on?” he was looking for you frantically, if riki lost you at this park he didn’t know what he would do.
- “i’m between these two buildings and and-“ you were stuttering, you yelped when you felt someone pull you into their embrace, “please don’t hurt me!”
- riki looked down at you confused, “y/n it’s me? what happened?” you looked up at him blinking and showing your phone to him which had the screenshotted tweets.
- “fuck…”
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navstuffs · 1 year
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Wonderful Surprise
Pairing: Husband!Leon Kennedy x GN!Reader
Summary: After a horrible day at work, you find a surprise at your job's doorstep.
Warnings: comforting leon, self indulgent, cute fluff, domestic!leon
Author's Notes: can you imagine just leaving work and seeing leon waiting on you outside???? 😭 to have dinner at your favorite restaurant?? gimme gimme please!! hope you enjoy your reading!
my leon masterlist
You look at the clock, frustrated. Time couldn't be passing any slower. It had been such an exhausting day, and you couldn't wait to get home, unwind on the sofa, watch your favorite tv shows, and eat a warmed-up old pizza. Alone, you thought. No call or text from Leon, your husband, in two days. 
You knew Leon was busy with whatever he had to do in those secret missions of his, and you didn't want him to worry about you, so you didn't disturb him, for more than you missed him. Leon did warn in the last message he could go M.I.A. Since then, something heavy has installed itself in your chest. 
It was always like that, anyway. You became useless at work, at home. You tried to use Leon's shirts to sleep or watch the silly videos he recorded for you in case you missed him.
It wasn't enough. It would never be enough. 
When it is finally time to leave, you walk toward the exit, checking your phone: Still no text messages. You sigh, typing that you would be leaving work and going home. That you loved him and couldn't wait to see him. For him to stay safe.
When you exit through the main doors, you first notice the sky. It is the start of the twilight, and it looks so pretty. You sigh, taking a picture. You may send that one to Leon. At least walking until the bus stop won't be so bad. If you want to get home soon, you must hurry.
You finally notice the man leaning against the building wall, eyes closed, hands in his pocket. Golden locks in front of his serene face, wearing his famous leather jacket. Standing there like an illusion.  
"Leon?" You whisper, mortified. As if he would disappear or it was just your imagination going crazy.
Leon opens his eyes at the sound of your voice, giving a smile, the first one in days. You wait until he walks closer to you and hugs you, a sigh coming from his mouth. 
"Hey, sweetheart," Leon whispers. Work had been horrible for him, and being unable to communicate with you made it much worse. Being close to you and feeling your heartbeat and presence instantly wiped all worries away. You are still frozen, not believing your husband is back. It takes you a couple of seconds before holding him back. Innahiling his smell and presence, all of him, "I missed you."
How much you missed his arms around you. His voice. His touch. You hide your face on Leon, not caring if you are outside work right now and anyone could see you. You can feel the tears forming in the corner of your eyes, and you hug Leon even more tightly. Leon wipes some of your tears when you separate, his eyes full of love.
"Wh-when did you come back?" You wonder as he checks your face, analyzing and admiring simultaneously. 
"About an hour ago?"
"Fuck Leon, I have been worried sick about you. Why didn't you message me?"
"I wish I could have. My phone is gone, sweetie. It was just - fucked up this time, I guess."
You let out a sigh, feeling guilty. Leon looks fine physically: no visible bruises, no cuts. But you know, the inside must be a turmoil. You could see the pain in your husband's eyes, a pain you recognize well. You don't overthink that now, just glad he is home, placing a hand on his chest, another one to rub his cheek. 
"I am sorry. Can we just leave?" You request, and Leon nods, holding your hand.
"Yeap. Just give me your car's keys, I will drive today."
"Wellllllll."
"What is it?"
"I didn't come to work by car. I came by bus," You admit, embarrassed to look at this face.
"Is something wrong with your car?"
"No. It is just...it makes the ride home longer. I tend to do that when you aren't here," You confess, feeling ridiculous. Then you quickly add, to not sound so desperate, "Also, it helps the planet, fewer cars in the streets, pollution, all of that!"
"My car is nearby, don't worry," Leon replies, his voice calm. 
"There is also something else," You add before you can start walking. Leon stares back at you, his expression going a little worried. "We might need to get dinner on the way."
You don't look at Leon for his reaction, worried he might be disappointed with you. And he has all the right to be since you had promised him you would do your best to take care of yourself when he was away.
"I see. Your favorite, then?" Leon simply asks, maintaining the same calm tone from before.
You look at him, grateful and nodding. You are just happy you can have him in yours arms again.
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luveline · 3 months
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hi sorry to bother you and I’m not sure if you’re taking requests rn if you are please ignore but I was wondering if you’d ever write something with a plus size reader in mind? esp something remus related. I love your fics so much! no matter what i hope you have a wonderful day lovely <3
-🪩
ty for your request beautiful !! ps fem!reader
“I have five days to finish my essay, Lupin, so you need to leave me alone.” 
Remus’ snort echoes off of the walls. “Yeah, as if.” 
“I’m serious. I’ve been putting it off since Christmas like an idiot and now I have to catch up on all the chapters I missed. It’s a real, whole thing.” 
“I believe you.” Remus does not believe you, evident in his wry tone and the lack of space he gives you as he sits at the dining table, two twin mugs in hand. 
“Is that for me?” you ask. 
“Of course it’s for you. I’ll accept my thank you in kisses, hugs, or handshakes, but the handshake will be overtly sexual.” 
“Not funny,” you say. Remus turns the handle of the mug to you and kisses your cheek quickly. “Thank you.” 
“You’re welcome, now leave me alone. I have work to do.” 
Remus opens his laptop beside you and for a while you work in silence with one another. You underline passages of text you think you might need for your essay, and Remus makes amendments to his manuscript, which is mostly just double clicking and highlighting as you are for further scrutiny. You put your leg up over the other to try and get comfortable. He reaches across to hold your thigh. 
“What?” he asks at your suspicious squinting. 
“I have to do this reading.” 
“And you can. I’m just resting.” 
“You’re in a horrible, horrible mood today. What’s your problem?” 
He gives your leg a squeeze. You used to be self conscious about being touched like this by him. Maybe you’ll always be insecure about how you look, but with Remus, his casual affection, you forget every horrible thing you’ve been taught to think about yourself and you lavish in being liked unapologetically, even if you’re busy. You cover his hand and thread your fingers between his, your palm to his knuckles. 
He hums. 
“You’re too proud of yourself,” you tease lightly. 
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Remus says with a shrug. He shouldn’t shrug. He shouldn’t do anything at all in that shirt, the short sleeves like a siren for you. “You’re ogling me. Who’s bothering who now?” 
“Am not.” 
Remus leans in for a kiss only a millisecond before you. He sits taller, kisses rougher, but treats you with an infallible sense of adoring; his free hand settles slowly on your cheek with his pinky finger to your jaw, his lips in a smile that parts over yours. You fluster pretty quickly and duck your head, not expecting such a kiss at the dinner table of all places. Remus chases you to give you a last chaste peck. “That one was your fault,” he says, rubbing along your jaw with his thumb. 
“No way.” 
“Can you stop talking to me?” he asks. “I’m trying to get work done.” 
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inkskinned · 1 year
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it is all love.
sometimes you will see something saying what if it is all worth it or it gets better, doesn't it and in the little heart of you - you feel a darkness.
was it love, the way i was hurt? some things don't have a lesson in them. no silver lining. they were bad things, and they shouldn't have happened. i'm sorry they did. i am sorry they warp the space they hold in you. we tightrope walk around an ever-present grave. we carry that ache for so long it becomes smooth, overworn. i worry that i'll bore my therapist - despite all of my attempts, the pain persists the same, as sharp as it always was.
but it was all love.
every ugly moment after. every bad night. every time you drank too much and cried on the bathroom floor. every time you threw up from anxiety, every time you panicked in the grocery store. everything you ruined, and everything you walked away from.
some small part of you loved you enough. made you get up. made you wash your face and clean your teeth and call home. made you try again, even from the bottom. even when you were so tired of it; of restarting, of having to do-it-all-again. some part of you reached out. some part of you reached up. even there, in the bad spot - you somehow got up.
love will so rarely be big. it will so rarely be a moment like a dawn. love is shy, i think. she keeps her hands in front of her cheeks. she waits to peek out. and if you're not looking, she will look - normal.
but it will all be love. the way you pour yourself a glass of water. the little rabbit outside your window. your friend pushing your hair behind your ear. the way your dog greets you at the door. "put on a seatbelt". "text me when you get home safe". "oh, i started watching that show you love." "have you been okay?" "let's go for a walk" "whatcha doin?" "what should i make for dinner?"
oh, my life is so different these days. i don't have a partner. i call my friends a lot. i keep falling in love with the little tender moments; the glittering ones. you know, the bird in a puddle and the shush of a newly-lit candle. the movie-moments.
i am also learning to love the ugly. every moment i spent belly-flat to the floor, anxious and panting. every hour i stared at nothing, losing time to my adhd. every missed opportunity and bad memory. i am not doing well. i am spiralling.
but somewhere in there, while i am reduced to ashes. some part of me is an ever-burning ember. her little thankless job, her shy and croaking voice. she holds me to my body. she doesn't let me go. stay, she whispers. out of love. my love. wherever it goes.
some of the bad things that happened to me will always be bad. they did not make me a better person. they made me worse. i only learned what i can endure. and i did endure it. and love wasn't just the perfumed moments. love was just ... staying. while it's ugly and hard and horrible. love was just saying:
okay. i will keep trying. keep going. i owe it to the version of myself who brought me here. i owe it to my future. i owe it to the small loves i have found since - the music and the new recipes and the new books and the new hobbies. i owe it to myself to wait for the next best thing. this wall we have hit - love says keep walking. maybe one day we will find a door.
always, always: just one try more.
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snazzilystoopid · 8 months
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What it's like to date Cole Brookstone
The dragons rising trailer gave me Cole fever 😭😭 so yk I just gotta do a Cole post to appreciate this lego man's existence
Enjoy this yall heheh
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Starting off strong: texting. The guy will spam you if you don't answer within 5 minutes
He's always worrying if something bad had happened to you 😭
He's also a ninja (obviously) so he's gonna be busy most of the time
That doesn't mean he doesn't make time for you though heheh
Before he'd leave for a mission he'd send you a sweet message, or leave small pouch of your favourite sweets for you
For your 3 month anniversary, he got you a pair of headphones
They're extra special bc they match with his <3
He sends you gym pics. Ok? He just does.
Mainly because he knows on the other side of that screen you're a blushing mess
Sometimes Cole will just walk around you shirtless to tease you, because he knows you're always gonna be staring
If you can bake, this man will BEG you to make cakes.
If you can't, you at least try. He'll always eat them, even if they are a little burnt
Its the thought that counts though, right?
His love language is touch, so you guys cuddle often
If cuddling isn't really your thing, that's okay! He'll settle for always holding your hand
When it comes to kissing however, hes so passionate that you usually have to lean on something, like a wall or a table 😭
When things get a little steamy he'll definitely be hoisting you up and wrapping his arms around you
(HELP WHY AM I GRINNING WHILE WRITING THIS AHAHAHAHSHS)
Your dates usually consist of desert places, picnics, and CD/Vinyl records shopping
He love love loves music so whenever you tag along with him to these shops he loves it, and also really appreciates the company
Sometimes you both put in one ear each of Cole's earphones and just lie on his bed together listening to music
Its so therapeutic for both of you
He tried to teach you how to play the drums a few times, but you're horrible at it, sorry 💀
(Unless you can acc play the drums ofc)
When you met Lou, he told you a bunch of funny stories about his dance lessons as a kid
Cole gets so annoyed whenever he does this but you think its cute <333
Lou would also go on to tell you how much Lily would've loved you
It felt a little uncomfortable talking about his mother, because you know how much of a sensitive subject it is for him
But Cole did agree, you reminded him a little of his mother
In truth, Lou sees himself and Lily in you and Cole
Although he denies it, Cole loves it when you trace his scars
Especially the ghost scar on his forehead
Also loves it when you trace his jaw
Whenever you randomly do, I promise this guy WILL just melt right there
Since his hair is really long, you're always trying out random hairstyles on him
He always protests, but he really does love it hehe
The man is such a tease, sometimes he'll swoop down to capture your lips in a kiss, only for him to kiss the corner of your mouth instead
Other times (when you're alone ofc,) Cole trails kisses down your neck and just randomly stops, and you always complain
He finds you so adorable when you're complaining 😭
He has a passion for singing, but will never sing in front of anyone apart from you
Most of the time, whenever he sings to you its a love song that both of you like 🥰
He's usually a pretty chill boyfriend, and doesn't normally get jealous
But on the very rare occasion that he does, he won't show it
Instead he'll get all pouty and whenever you ask what's wrong, his only response is to pull you into a hug
He'll most likely feel a little self-conscious and wonder if you're becoming uninterested in him
DONT give Cole a reason to feel sad. Do not. 😒
Anyways
He didn't tell the ninja he had a partner until Jay and Nya spotted you two in a vinyl records store holding hands
They interrogated the poor thing for like 3 hours when he got back
But once they all met you they really liked you!
Kai and Jay subjected you to more embarrassing Cole stories, which the earth ninja was NOT happy about
He prefers to spend time with you alone, away from other people
He vents to you a lot of the time and tells you about his struggles and his feelings
Hes actually really open with you, but he never pressures you to tell him anything
He wants to be able to earn your trust <3
(Sorry for any typos!!)
That is all ! I hope you guys enjoyed this little hc post 🤭 stay tuned for more !!
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certainlynotasimp · 10 months
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I bring forth many more incorrect Sunny and Migs quotes!
-
Miguel: Is something burning?
Sunny, leaning seductively on the counter: Just my desire for you.
Miguel: Sunny, the toaster is literally on fire.
-
Miguel: Do you want to explain the text you sent me last night?
Sunny: It was autocorrect.
Miguel: Autocorrect wrote "You're so hot. Please step on me."?
Sunny: Yes.
-
Miguel: I owe you one.
Sunny: That’s ok. You can just date me and we’ll call it even.
-
Sunny: That was so hot, Miguel.
Miguel: I literally called the person who just flirted with you a degenterate dog and told them I hope they get dragged through the streets.
Sunny: I'm so in love with you.
-
Sunny: Since we're in a relationship now, your clothes are my clothes too. Don't ask me why I have your shirt on, this is our shirt.
Miguel, joking: Fine, but when I come strutting in with your fuzzy socks I don't want to hear shit.
-
[When Miggy and Sunny finally get engaged, to the rest of the spider crew]
Miguel: We’re getting married, bitches!
Sunny: And we're about to make it everybody else's problem.
-
Miguel: I’ve been dropping them the most insanely obvious hints for like a year now. No response.
Sunny: Wow. They sound stupid.
Miguel: But they’re not. They’re really smart actually. Just dense.
Sunny: Maybe you need to be more obvious? Like, I don’t know… “Hey! I love you!”
Miguel: I guess you’re right. Hey Sunny, I love you.
Sunny: See! Just say that!
Miguel: Holy fucking shit.
Sunny: If that flies over their head then, sorry Miguel, but they're too dumb for you.
Miguel: Sunny...
-
Sunny: I truly go into housewife mode when I'm someone's soulmate- like, I'll make you pancakes and bacon every morning.
Miguel: This is a lie.
Miguel: I'm literally dating them. This is a lie.
Miguel: THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO COOK A PANCAKE, WHAT IS THIS.
-
Miguel: I want to be with you for the rest of my life.
Sunny: Damn, that sounds like a marriage proposal.
Miguel, getting down on one knee: That's 'cause it is.
-
Miguel: I like your new pants!
Sunny: Thanks, they were 50% off!
Miguel: I’d like them better if they were 100% off. *winks*
Sunny: The store can’t just give away clothes for free.
Miguel: That’s… not what I meant.
Sunny: That’s a terrible way to run a business, Miguel.
-
Miguel walking into the kitchen and seeing all their limes peeled: Sunny, I love you but, what the h-e-double FUCK.
Sunny, sipping coffee happily: I love you too :)
-
Sunny: Miguel and I are no longer dating.
Miguel: Sunny, that’s a horrible way of telling people we’re married.
-
Sunny: Hey, wanna take a shower with me?
Miguel: I have a gun in that nightstand beside the bed. If I ever say no to that question, I want you to take it out and shoot me. Because I’ve obviously gone crazy.
-
Miguel: My future partner must be brave, strong, intelligent, successful and organized.
Sunny: *steps on a caterpillar and proceeds to drop to their knees and sob while apologizing profusely*
Miguel: That one. I want that one.
-
Sunny: Are we fighting or flirting?
Miguel: I'm pinning you against a wall with my hand around your neck-!
Sunny: Your point?
-
Miguel: I am so cool. I am an absolute Chad. I am the epitome of coolness and awesomeness—!
Sunny: Hi.
Miguel: *melts down in a flustered heap of softness*
-
Miguel: We should get you to a doctor for a check up immediately. What if it happens again, and there isn’t anyone around to help you? What if it’s congenital? Oh my God! Was it me? Did I hurt you?
Sunny: …You realize any other person that made their partner pass out in bed would simply feel really proud of themselves, right?
I’m not even gonna add on to this glorious post other than I’m proud🥹
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aihoshiino · 3 months
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chapter 137 thoughts!
so sorry in advance for how long this chapter review is but anyone who has spoken to me for more than 5 seconds on the topic of oshi no ko probably saw this coming the instant they read the chapter
Picking up immediately where we left off, this chapter feels sort of like a pause to inhale and reiterate Themes and Ideas to really drill them into the readers' head. Technically, none of this is new information (especially as pertains to Ai) so I could see it being repetitive for people who are keyed into Ai as a character but like… I am STILL seeing people in discussions of the manga just flat out not understanding Ai even when the text lays it out so I kind of I can't blame Aka for just clobbering us around the skull with it at this point: There was no horrible dark secret or ZOMG SECRETLY EVIL AI reveal waiting in the wings. It was always just that Ai was a normal girl doing her utmost to live and find normal happiness in a deeply abnormally cruel and lonely life.
With that in mind, I can't help but wonder if the film crew's reactions to this Ruby adlib aren't, to some degree, a reflection of that willful ignorance in the text for the purpose of refuting it — similar to the way Tsukuyomi was used to shut down the "Reincarnator Ai" theories popping up in the wake of new fandom blood back in chapter 118.
Like, these are all people who knew what they were signing up for, who are aware that this is a movie about depicting the "real" Hoshino Ai and yet their reaction is alarm and even dismay - the same instinctive rejection of Ai's vulnerability we see mirrored in Nino and even Aqua to an extent. Even while filming a movie that's all about her pain, they still value and instinctively prioritize the clean and perfect image of the invincible idol, Ai.
By contrast, Gotanda won back a lot of my goodwill this chapter with the monologue that took up most of its first pages. As I've alluded to in some previous chapter reviews, I was having a lot of mixed feelings about Gotanda's role in the movie and 15YL as a whole, but this chapter has reframed things in a way I am tentatively on board with. In this new light, 15YL is about crafting a narrative of Ai's life that may not be literally the events that occurred - it may even take huge liberties with them - but is all in service of conveying a much more important series of emotional truths about the cruelty she was subjected to.
This is mirrored by the visuals that accompany Gotanda's words, a series of disconnected images that do not themselves portray a coherent series of events but paint an emotional narrative of the loneliness, abuse and abandonment that created Hoshino Ai. This honestly might be one of my all-time favourite sequences in OnK so far just on the strength of its imagery alone. Those final two pages especially are just breathtaking: the grotesquely detailed and toothy maw of a B-Komachi fan sandwiched between two pure, sanitized images of Ai, the sea of huge, grasping hands reaching out of the void, on the verge of swallowing her.
I especially want to highlight that final panel of Ai's eerie, perfect smile. I genuinely can't overstate what phenomenal fucking expression work this is from Mengo and once again, I think this might have jumped into my top 5 favourite panels in the series already. It's so frightening — there's nothing technically wrong with it, but it looks wrong, it feels wrong. Even in the confines of a still image, I still somehow got the impression of it being a mask, unnaturally frozen and fixed in place. It honestly jumpscared me a little bit when I first saw it. My friend Silvie (@relares) also pointed out that the panel is framed in such a way that Ai appears to be trapped — backed into the corner of a closed box, pressed up against a wall to cover her vitals like a caged animal. It's really genuinely unsettling.
On that note; scooting back a bit, something I was really gratified to see as a girlie who constantly reaches for this idea in writing for Ai elsewhere: referring to Ai as an animal brings into text something that had, prior to this, only really been a happy accident of associative imagery, where her role as B-Komachi's bunny brought to mind a timid, easily frightened and physically weak little domesticated animal. This chapter makes it very clear this is not accidental but an extremely intentional choice to further emphasize both her vulnerability and dehumanisation. Being a helpless prey animal, rolling over and showing her belly, is less scary than being human
The Japanese text of the chapter the text takes this dehumanisation a step further: Rather than the wasei-eigo term アイドル (aidoru), when calling her an idol, Gotanda uses the word 偶像 (guzou) - an idol by its original definition. It goes beyond just reducing her to an animal - it's objectification in the very literal sense. Ai is an idol, a ceremonial object of worship, an inanimate vessel for the dirty desires of the people around her. That's the nature of the "idolhood" that was inflicted on Ai and it was killing her long before Ryosuke ever picked up a knife
This is especially interesting to see in the wake of Ichibanboshi no Spica, which essentially depicts the moment that Ai starts down this road, committing herself to being an idol who will love and support everyone, even people who hate and scorn her. This is framed by the novel as being something of a breakthrough for her and being liberating for it but I came out of it feeling deeply unsettled in a way I don't think the novel wanted me to be. I couldn't quite articulate why at the time but I think this chapter has given me the language to do so: Spica depicts the moment that Ai goes from アイドル to 偶像 without seeming to realise that's what it's doing and thus does so in a way that is not just uncritical but wholly celebratory.
In a lot of ways, this makes sense - Spica, broadly speaking, is about the "oshi" part of Oshi no Ko: the emotional fulfillment of not just receiving support but in the act of giving support yourself, in cheering someone on and seeing them succeed. Spica depicts these sorts of relationships in a straightforwardly and uncritically positive light, even in cases of parasocial relationships between fans and celebrities but this chapter, by contrast, paints a much more honestly ugly picture, of oppressive expectations, fear and dehumanisation inflicted by the supporters on their "oshi'.
At least in terms of OnK's narrative as a whole, I think the truth is somewhere in the middle: the bad certainty outweighed the good in the end, but it does not erase the ways that Ai was able to find genuine joy and fulfillment in what she did as an idol. But as far as this chapter goes, this is as unflinchingly honest about idol and stan culture as OnK has been, honestly, since the LoveNow arc and maybe even the prologue. It decries it as ugly, visualizing it as grasping hands, drooling teeth and a quivering, terrified prey animal on the verge of being consumed.
This is why (if you'll forgive me for briefly jumping ahead) the RBKN talk at the end ultimately fell so flat for me, among other reasons: it felt extremely out of place to the point of being a little tone-deaf to go from a whole half a chapter so brutally tearing into celeb culture to Ruby brightly talking about her own celebrity ambitions. I don't need Ruby's arc to end with her giving up on being an idol or anything, but it nevertheless feels completely insane to go from the first have of this chapter to the second with absolutely no in-text acknowledgement of how incongruous these two perspectives are.
Given that this is paired with her declaring that she isn't going to be like Ai, I can only take this to mean that Ruby is declaring her intent to never cross the line of アイドル to 偶像 like Ai did but I think that ultimately just kind of misses the point. The only way I can make any sense of it is if the narrative itself is drawing a distinction between アイドル and 偶像 and trying to pretend that the former is something that can be purely good and wholesome.
This frames Ai's situation as being somehow unique to her and while it's true that Ai was a person pushed to extremes by many contributing factors, none of the pressures placed on her by idol culture were unique or unusual. Hell, I've even said before that the premise of Oshi no Ko is more or less the result of the friction of idol culture's obsession with purity and the fantasy it promises of an eternally virginial child-wife and the reality of Hoshino Ai as a dirty, messy human with adult desires and sexual autonomy. When you get down to it, what happened to Ai is really the logical end point of celebrity culture as a whole: dehumanisation, commodification and reduction of people to ceremonial objects of worship. Why else would we call them "idols"?
oh my god. i'm not even halfway through the chapter. i. sorry i';m like this. anyway.
This chapter also does a lot to reframe what 15YL even is as a movie, both through Gotanda's monologue and his take on Ruby's performance as Ai — rather than pure authenticity, it is a blend of Ruby's compassion for and understanding of her mother and her anger and disgust at the people who exploited her, an indictment of the public and all the people who were complicit in her suffering. The end note of the chapter even points out that aiming for "the real thing" is no longer the point of the movie if it ever was and this frees it, to an extent, of the hypocrisy of purporting itself to be a movie about "the real Ai" while dramatising and rewriting aspects of her life and identity to better suit its narrative
As good as this recontextualization of 15YL is, I do think its portrayal in this chapter feels a bit inconsistent with what has been leading up to it. Prior to this, there had been a lot of focus on contrasting the movie's supposed dedication to the authenticity of the real Ai with the number of changes and dramatizations it made of her life and character. This new framing of it is certainly not bad and honestly preferable to what came before, but it does still kind of feel like an overt overcorrection, as if someone finally pointed out to Akasaka what I've been saying this whole time about how fucking ghoulish this movie feels.
anyway. oh my god. moving on at last: wow! mid filming script rewrites!! historically always a great sign for the health of a production! … obviously, actors giving a character a different energy in their performance that contrasts the script and requires adjustment is not UNHEARD of and has resulted in solid movies but that Gotanda makes this decision so lightly and without consulting like… any of his cowriters does speak to Akasaka's comparative level of ignorance as to how movie making works Vs the much more real and in depth experience in TV and music production other parts of the manga reflect.
I do really like that the discussion here ends on a note of asking Ichigo for his thoughts because like… yeah, actually, of course Ichigo should have opinions about this! Even putting aside the That Is Her Dad of it all, Ichigo is the only person involved here who knew Ai before she became and idol and can properly speak to her early experiences. That said, Ichigo being involved here brings something else back up: BRO…. WHERE THE HELL IS MIYAKO!!!!
it is getting so beyond absurd at this point that she is not involved in things. I know people are probably so sick of hearing me harp on about this but her absence is so, so baffling and there really is no good excuse for it. Even if they just said some shit like "Miyako is busting her ass managing our other talents while we make the movie" I'd take that. But that it goes SO uncommented on when she was so involved in getting all this together and just had a whole chapter dedicated to her talking about how strongly she feels about the twins as their mother… it's so baffling!
This goes QUADRUPLE for the total absence of Aqua this chapter, despite him being right there and getting a dedicated reaction panel in 136. The lack of focus on him lately was something I was willing to buy into as an intentional choice that would make sense when viewing the arc in hindsight but at this point, his lack of engagement with the things going on around him is just getting ridiculous, regardless of its intentionality. This is the guy who spent over a month emotionally self harming to the point where images of Ai's face would give him a panic attack and now that he's at, arguably, the lowest emotional point he's been at in his life, we have no reaction to basically seeing her walking and talking in the flesh again?
Hell, given that this is Ruby of all people and this is coming so close on the heels of the GRSR reveal, I'd expect an even stronger reaction from Aqua than anyone else but… nope! Nothing. We've barely had any meaningful AQRB interactions and it all adds up to making that past life reveal and the tease of Ruby's feelings in the wake of it feel totally flaccid as a plot development because nothing is coming of it. I know we will inevitably have to circle back around to it given that the HKAI scenes are on the horizon but there were surely ways to weave this more organically into the ongoing conflict that didn't result in me feeling like I'm sat at a kantenzushi place and waiting for something to come back around on the belt. Gah!!
Speaking of conflict, I want to at last move onto the RBKN talk that makes up the back half of this chapter. As I alluded to earlier, this talk fell incredibly flat for me, both as a character beat for these two characters and as a conclusion to this chapter in particular. I already talked about why Ruby's resolution here didn't click with me but more broadly, I simply don't like this as the resolution to the RBKN conflict which is seems to be presented as.
To touch on the things I do like about it… thematically, I enjoy this as a continuation of the ongoing idea of the New B-Komachi learning from and correcting the mistakes of the group that came before them. In practice, though… have they actually done that? This talk doesn't meaningfully address or even really acknowledge all the ways New B-Komachi is repeating old mistakes or the way the group quite literally does exist purely for Ruby's sake and that her taking that for granted left both Kana and Mem feeling used, as if they were just accessories to decorate Ruby's idol career that her CEO mommy bought for her. Instead, they just touch on the very surface level issue of their staged argument and then move on as if things are resolved. There's obviously still room in the future for us to circle back to it with Kana's graduation concert set but as things stand now, it's an unsatisfying note to end this thread on.
Ruby is robbed of the opportunity to do any real introspection and we as readers don't even see the moment she realizes what Kana is doing and why, or get any real insight into her feelings on this fight outside of vouyeristically goggling at her in the immediate aftermath of her pain. There was some really great potential here for Ruby's behaviour during her Black Hoshigan arc to finally catch up to her and make her face the consequences of her poor treatment of Kana and Memcho. She could've had a chance to confront her own inner ugliness and her potential for buying into the same bullshit perpetuated by the rest of the industry that hurt her mom so badly. Instead, we get an endpoint in lieu of any real work necessary to get there without any indication that she has learned anything meaningful from this arc or that her relationship with Kana has changed at all.
Kana, too, is done exceptionally dirty here. We get a lot of great Kana introspection in this arc, digging into both her feelings of insecurity towards Ruby specifically and the sense of empathy she developed through playing Nino, who she saw as being in a similar position to her. Kana's jealousy towards Ruby and her sense of being Ruby's extra, an accessory, is something that's been brewing in the background honestly since the First Concert Arc and I initially found it incredibly cathartic to see her finally expressing that to Ruby and getting those feelings off her chest. I was looking forward to seeing how she would work through this and resolve it, confronting her inner demons and coming to have a healthier relationship with Ruby as a result. But again… it just doesn't happen. Kana gets no closure over the hurt she expressed in this arc — instead, she's once again used as a stepping stone to prop Ruby up and make her shine.
And like… what are we supposed to take away from this? That Kana — and Nino by extension — were correct? That Ruby is just The Most Special by default (never mind her CEO mommy explicitly favouring her for work and opportunities) and that the only way Kana can deal with it is by quitting as an idol altogether? I'm going to be totally frank: as both a Kana enjoyer and a Ruby enjoyer, I think this sucks shit as a resolution for both of them! It's not only unfair to Kana but it's also just so boring as a way of characterizing Ruby. I think there's a space in OnK for really interesting discussions about like, natural talent VS hard work and how much of someone's success is one or the other but this conflict absolutely is not that.
In general, this chapter just felt… uneven, I guess. The first half of it, as you can probably gather by my completely unhinged ramblings, was one of my favourites we'd gotten out of OnK in a long time but with the back half falling so flat for me, it just ends up feeling kind of jarring and a bit less than the sum of its parts. It's definitely not a BAD chapter by any stretch and it very clearly gave me a lot to chew on and think about. It's just kind of a let down that a chapter and a shared character arc I was otherwise enjoying so much ended on such an incredibly nothing note.
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imightgetbetter · 1 year
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walks
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this picture is literally not the same vibe as what this story is but he's so - you know - that anything works. matty acting a little bit over protective. it's cute. i like her. thank you all for the support and love. happy reading -warning: mentions of pregnancy (this was requested abundantly today but if you don't like that, i have others that don't include anything like that)
Quiet. That’s all you really wanted. Quietness, a break from the overwhelming sounds coming from the studio and the excessive laughter (that in every other circumstance you have always found so heartwarming) and the horrible screeches from instruments being using improperly. Heaviness weighed at your front, your hands rubbing at your swollen belly as you lay lazily on the mattress settled in the center of your bedroom. Coming through the walls, you can hear the thrum of a cello and the terrible clanging of an instrument you couldn’t name, and that was it, you finally had enough. Quickly, you send a text to your husband, telling him that you need to go for a walk, and you’ll be back in a bit. Easy. He likely wouldn’t even notice until you’re back.
Messily getting yourself off of the bed, you steady yourself on your feet, your eyes falling to the floor, where your stomach is now hiding your toes. Usually, Matty is there to give you any help with your shoes that you might ask, but the idea of calling him and having to explain where you’re going (when you don’t actually have any idea) is making you angry. Normally, it’s very rare that you get angry or irate with him. Matty has always been nothing but sweet and loving to you, always wanting what’s best for you, however, what’s best for you at nearly thirty-four weeks pregnant is going on a walk by yourself without the clanging of instruments ringing in your ears. Matty would tell everyone to leave if you asked, you know this as well, but they need to work and you want to be alone, as much as telling him that would absolutely kill you.
“God damn it!” you groan, rolling your head back against your neck in frustration. “I love you so much already, but you are in the way,” you say to your belly, the gentle rolls relaxing your frustration only slightly, because as soon as you look up, there’s a knock on the door and twisting of the knob. “Can you put on my shoes for me? I need to take a walk, get a bit of fresh air and see the world, but our daughter is kind of in the way of me getting my shoes on.”
“I, I can ask everyone to leave for a bit, I suppose,” Matty sighs, pursing his lips and looking from you to the hallway. Matty shakes his head, seemingly making a decision quickly before walking towards you and grabbing the shoes that you always left outside of your closet for moments like these. “I’ll grab my shoes and I’ll take you. Can grab a tea from that shop in town, if you’d like? Are you still nauseous?”
“Matty, I want to go alone,” you say, a softened whimper leaving your lips as his fingertips gently massage the soles of your feet. “I know you need to work. I just want a bit of quiet.” His last question finally registers, and you suddenly feel guilty for how annoyed you are at him. “No, I’m okay, right now. I just need a break.”
“I can work any time, baby,” he says surely, leaning forward to kiss your bare belly and stand on his feet. “I’ll tell everyone to leave. It’s not a bother. I’m sorry I didn’t ask them to go earlier.”
“Matty, I love you dearly, but please listen to me when I tell you this,” you say, standing on your feet and taking his face in your hands. “I have not had a minute alone in nearly three weeks. I am going to go insane. Clinically unwell.”
“I’m not comfortable with you going out by yourself,” Matty says certainly, taking your hands in his gently and pulling them away from his face. His hands leave your wrists and settle on the curve of your stomach. He’s the only one that can do this without you getting violently angry. “I don’t want to think about what could happen if you get lost or someone from a bloody tabloid finds you or you start feeling ill or something. I just, I would feel more comfortable if I came. Call me annoying, that’s fine. Can you please just let me come? I’ll be quiet the whole time. Not even a sound.”
“One inkling of a sound, Matty, and you’re sleeping on the couch, without a blanket,” you say warningly, standing in front of the mirror and adjusting the way your chest is sitting in the sports bra on your torso. “My tits are ginormous.” Matty turns to you, tying the laces of his shoes, and you can see him trying to hide the laughter wanting to break free. “You can laugh.”
“I agree, your tits are ginormous.” Matty stands on his feet and walks over to you, grabbing a pair of your favorite sunglasses and slipping them over your nose when you turn around and lean your forehead against his chest. “You’re not feeling great, are you?”
“I am miserable,” you murmur, your voice muffled by his chest and the drawled moans leaving your lips as his fingers scratch your head soothingly. “I’m hot. I’ve got an extra forty pounds on my belly. My tits do not fit in anything. And, I love your band and I love the guys, but you make the most fucking noise I have ever heard in my life.”
Matty laughs breathily, leaning down to kiss your head sweetly. “I’m sorry you’re miserable, darling. I would do all this instead of you, if that was humanly possible.” His honey eyes are soft when you tilt your head to look at him. “And I’m sorry that you’ve felt like you’re going insane the last few weeks. I just want to make sure that you’re safe, and I cannot do that if I’m not with you.” He leans his forehead against yours, “Have to keep my girls safe, don’t I?”
“That was a very evil thing to say, and you know it,” you grumble, pulling away from his hold around you and adjusting the sunglasses, your arms reaching around your head to tie your hair out of your face. “You can’t use the ‘my girls’ thing and get away with it!”
“I’m coming on the walk, aren’t I?” Matty opens the bedroom door and gestures for you to walk ahead of him, the hallway quiet and still, meaning the guys had already left for the day. “I would say that this is me getting away with it, but I know you’ve got at least another twenty minutes of anger left in you.”
“You made me this way,” you say, taking his hand and using his steadiness as you descend down the stairwell. “Not only did you get me pregnant, but you also waited until I was about to leave for college in New York City to tell me that you had feelings for me.”
“Not this again,” Matty groans, opening the front door and waiting for you to walk outside before he follows you, closing and locking the house. “It’s been years. And we’re married!”
“I have twenty minutes of anger left on the clock,” you say teasingly, smiling brightly at him as you hold out your hand, waiting for his fingers to lace through yours. “Have ten seconds to back out of the walk, starting now.”
“Not a chance,” he says, rolling his eyes and grabbing your hand. “Get walking.”
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breachverse · 1 year
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Breach: Chicago War Zone - WIP Update 14 - 10th of February 2023
I didn't think I'd be able to finish it this month considering my hard drive decided to corrupt itself, but, goddamn, I did it.
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WIP Update 14 has been released! Chapter 2 Part 2 for both routes have started all the way up to the first chance of a downtime. Though you can't hangout with anyone, except for Hayne, you can now enjoy the limited shop for both the Archangel AND the FBI route, as well as the completed skill training feature.
Breach: Chicago War Zone (Updated)
DEVELOPMENT LOG#14 (10-February-2023)
(B2.1.1.22.12.20)
Alpha - 14
Tons of bug fixes typos and grammar fixes
Added the ability to buy plasma cutter pre-hangout
Added ARC skills training and store (limited)
Added FBI skills training and store (very limited)
Fixed FBI armory not being free. (Everything should now be free)
Tweaked a few of the weapon's descriptions to be available for both routes
Tweaked several weapon accessories token modifiers
Tweaked available accessories for the UTS-15
Added Flash Grenades
Added AR-10 Battle rifle (I know, I'm calling it one)
Added KSG-12 Shotgun
Added RPD Machine gun
Added AK-12 Assault rifle
Alpha - 14
Added Chapter Part restart feature to Show Stats screen (Testing)
Added Settings tab to the Show Stats screen (Testing)
Added Cheats tab to the Show Stats screen (Testing)
Added Hayne's 1st hangout
W.I.P.: Chapter 2 Part 2 of The AA branch (23%) W.I.P.: Chapter 2 Part 2 of The FBI branch (23%) W.I.P.: AA Hangout (9%) W.I.P.: AA Store system (60%) W.I.P.: FBI Hangout (9%) W.I.P.: FBI Store system (50%) W.I.P.: Stat screen upgrade (30%) COMPLETED: Chapter 2 Part 1 of The AA branch (100%) COMPLETED: Chapter 2 Part 1 of The FBI branch (100%)
Word Count: 656,856 words including codes (Last update was 637,822)
The private testing for this was uploaded last month so technically I managed to get an update out once month but still… it was quite a delay and I'm terribly sorry.
For those who don't know, I had a horrible setback in which my computer's hard drive decided to bork itself and I had to reinstall windows. I lost a small number of data but it took me some time to rebuild my database and retrieve data from my corrupted hard drive. Thankfully, Breach itself is saved due to the number of backups I've made and the precaution of having multiple copies on different hard drives.
More detail on the situation on this post if you want to see the exact problem I was having.
But, all of that is past now and though I am still building up everything again, I was able to get my workspace back in order and thankfully, I've managed to finish this damn update before the end of the month for private testing, and added a few things for the public update.
The update also consists some scenes for the ARC route where if you choose to do the prep work for the grate work or wall work in the tunnels under the bank, as well as some new scenes for the FBI route where [spoiler]if you let Greg escape during the raid, he'll want to meet with you and he'll give you some secrets about the trio.[/spoiler]
I'm sorry it's taken so long, and thank you for being so patient. It's not a huge update, but it features the shop and the skill training system in-game where you can buy and change your gear however you wish, though the FBI armoury is quite limited for now.
Thank you all for your patience.
Much love! ❤️
-------------------------------------
Link to the CoG Forums post
I also have a Discord server!
As always feel free to drop however many screenshot feedbacks you'd like, either in the forums or in our Discord channel!
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It's been on and off for what feels like the last couple months but I think I might be trans. I kinda remember wanting to be a boy when I was a little kid and I remember I used to try to intentionally make my voice sound deeper when I was like 15(? or maybe 14, something around those ages?) because I hated how my voice sounded but I stopped because my sister and mum took the piss out of me for doing it one time. I want to try presenting more masculine than I already try to do but my parents feel like a massive fucking roadblock to this. There's nowhere I know of that sells binders in person and I don't want to deal with the issues that could come from ordering them online(mainly my parents asking me what I ordered and stuff like that), my mum doesn't want me to cut my hair shorter because she thinks it'll be a shock to me or w/e. I hate having boobs so fucking much(they feel horrible and sweaty and I want them gone so badly but a part of me feels like that specific part might just be sensory issues) and there's no fucking way my parents are gonna let me get rid of my tits and also I remember during a car ride with my mum, sister and grandmother my grandma went on a rant about people asking for pronouns or w/e and while I don't think it got explicitly transphobic(or maybe it did, I don't remember too well) I ultimately remember coming out of it thinking "I will only come out once I'm able to move out of my house and be financially independent :)". But my parents don't even fucking let me try to get a job and I feel like I can barely even get any form of independence and I just feel so goddamn pathetic and with all the shit going on in the UK about trans rights I don't think I'll ever be able to come out even if I am able to eventually move out and the fact that I have an autism diagnosis(which I also fucking hate having so much and I sometimes wish I was never diagnosed) is just a whole other can of worms that I know will also be a massive fucking roadblock to coming out and actually transitioning. I don't want to say that my parents are transphobic(my dad at least seems like the safest person to come out to out of everyone) but my mum still sometimes accidentally misgenders a childhood friend of mine even though she's kinda known him long after he came out as trans and for some reason, I don't know if I'm misremembering what she's said but when she told me that my friend came out as trans I remember her saying something along the lines of "Just because [ ] is a boy doesn't mean you are too"(he wasn't there for this when she said that fyi) so I guess there's a decent chance she's just not gonna accept me as trans and I'm also scared that both of my parents will just think it's a stage at best and decide that they've had enough of me and kick me out at worst and I just fucking hate that I'm like this though I could be massively overthinking all of this and I just feel like shit about it, I just fucking wish I was born a guy or even some genderless blob so that I'd never have to think about this shit ever again. It's all just so suffocating and I hate being like this.
Sorry for the wall of text I just needed to get this off my chest at the very least.
i’m so, so, sorry that you have to deal with that. that sounds absolutely awful, and if you ever need to vent again or ask for advice, my ask box is open! (most of the times)
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obnoxioussmiley · 2 years
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Like Medicine
Pairing: Jake Lockley X Reader
Warnings: established relationship, reader has depression, implied nudity but nothing sexual, just absolutely pure fluff
Summary: When you can’t seem to pull yourself together, Jake is always there to help you collect the pieces.
yes this is a comfort fic leave me alone
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To say you had a rough week would be an understatement. It was stressful, anxious, and downright horrible. You were grateful to have a three day weekend before having to go back to work, and so far you’ve managed to spend a majority of the last two in bed.
It was your neglect to answer your phone that told Jake something was up. Calls going straight to voicemail and texts unread, telling him to go to you. So you shouldn’t be surprised when you heard the jingling of the lock to your apartment and the door creak open to reveal him.
He stepped through the threshold and closed the door behind him, mumbling something about getting you better security. He surveyed the room and landed his eyes on you, laying in bed. You were awake, staring at the wall too lost in your thoughts to properly greet him.
The floor creaked under his footsteps as he moved, taking off his jacket and hanging it on the back of a chair. Then they got closer until his sweatpants obscured your vision and he crouched down in front of your face.
“Hey gorgeous, what’re you still doing in bed?” He asked softly, giving you a worried yet nurturing look.
If you had tried to tell anyone he was like this with you, they wouldn’t believe you. He looked so gruff and cold on the outside, blocking out most people. Except you. He disliked everyone but you.
He reached a hand out and brushed some hair away from your face, and you practically melted under his touch. He cupped the side of your face and he swiped his thumb under your eye, wiping away dried tears. You closed your eyes, humming contentedly, “Did I hear you pick the lock?” You wanted to just fall back asleep with him right here, but he had other plans.
“I forgot my key,” Jake responded, standing up and crossing the room to the bathroom. He ran a nice, warm bath, throwing in your favorite salt scents. While it filled up, he grabbed some fresh pajamas and threw them to spin in the dryer for a bit.
Making his way back to you, he sat down on the edge of the bed and grabbed your hand. “C’mon sweetheart, it’s time to get up.” You let out a soft groan of reluctance, but let him pull you to sit up, immediately wrapping your arms around his torso.
Resting your head on his chest, you took in a slow breath, reveling in how he smelled. A faint scent of coffee and some car freshener, probably whatever he had in the cab at the moment.
“That’s right, just take a deep breath in,” He hummed, rubbing circles into your back. He let you stay like that for a moment, before starting to stand up and bringing you with him. He took your hand in his and dragged you after him to the bath. Helping you out of your days old clothes, he tossed them towards the laundry basket and helped you settle into the water. “There we go, ain’t that nice?”
You hummed in response, closing your eyes and letting yourself relax in the water. “‘M sorry, Jake,” you mumbled.
A frown settled onto his face as he grabbed your shampoo. Kneeling next to the tub, he scooped up water in his hands to wet your hair, “For what?” You mumbled out an answer, too inaudible for him to make out. “What was that?”
Mumbling some more, but loud enough, “I’m sorry I get like this.”
He made a tsk sound, lathering some shampoo in his hands and working it through your hair. “No, don’t say that, you can’t help it.”
You shrugged, “Alright.”
Leaning over the edge of the tub to look down at you, he put a finger under your chin to life your head up towards him. Looking into your eyes he reassured, “Do not be sorry. It’s not your fault. And I am more than happy to be here with you.” The slightest upturn of your mouth made him ecstatic, breaking out into a grin. He leaned down to press a kiss to your forehead before rinsing out your hair.
“Alright, up you go,” He stood up, offering his hand for stability as you stood as well. “Here’s one of those fluffy towels you got, dry off.” You did as told while he left the room, returning with your now warm pajamas. “Why don’t you go snuggle up in bed and pick out a movie to watch, and I’ll fix up something to eat, yeah?”
You nodded, but before you left you grabbed the edge of his t-shirt, pulling him in for a hug. “Thank you,” you spoke into his shoulder.
He held you tight like he was holding you together. “You know I’d do anything for you.”
Your heart warmed at the statement, seven words that eliminated any doubts that had been floating in your mind.
Pulling away enough to look at his face, you leaned in to kiss him. And he kissed back like he needed it to live, his hand coming up to cup your face. He always kissed like that and it always made you feel so wanted. It was sweet and soft, but at the same time intense, like he was trying to pour all his love straight into your soul.
When you pulled apart, he looked into your eyes with such adoration, you couldn’t help but flush under his gaze. That same old teasing smirk threatened to come out on his face as he ran his thumb over your red cheek. “Gorgeous.”
Your own cheeky smile made its way onto your face as you hummed, “Hi.”
“Go pick us out a movie,” He ushered, pushing you slightly towards the bed, while he retreated towards the kitchen.
Grabbing your laptop, you settled into bed and picked out a movie, waiting for him to join you. He returned with your favorite quick meal and joined you under the covers.
His arm around your shoulder and your head on his, you never felt better.
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aspecpplarebeautiful · 7 months
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Help I'm crisising
I'm aroace and i have this friend who I've known for a couple years but only gotten close two in the last few months, and I really like her. I've had a weird alterous attraction crush on her for literal years and recently now that we've gotten closer I'm wondering if we could someday be in some sort of qpr thing. I know she's some sort of queer, and she knows that I am, though not specifically aroace, and I know she's not in any relationships.
The problem is:
I'm really confused about what I feel, cause I've never felt anything close to this for anyone, ever, and I'm also really aware that she's one of the first friends and definitely the closest that I've had since a major depressive episode I had that lasted 1-2 years and so I'm worried that maybe I'm kinda latching on to her to feel normal and not lonely anymore. Basically I'm just constantly second-guessing my feelings, but I also have pretty solid evidence that I shouldn't trust myself with them.
I don't know what she knows about being aroace, and I don't know if she'd be interested in a QPR
I don't know if she's interested in me. She definitely likes as a friend, but I'm horrible at telling what feelings people have towards me beyond than friendly, angry, or indifferent
And if ever she made a move on me, I'd be into it, but I don't know how to explain "actually I'm aroace and so like half of the things you'd expect out of an allo dating relationship are off the table, and also I will never be able to love you in the way most would people expect from me" Also, at what point do you even bring that up? Before or after doing anything? The inciting incident of all this was today when she was driving me home from her place and while we were leaving her brother was bugging me to tell him about her love life and asking questions like "Does she have a bf/gf? Is she dating (other friend of hers)?" and "Are you two dating? Are you going to kiss in the car?" and she told him to stop and not make me uncomfortable, but in my head I was just thinking "not as uncomfortable as you think." And then I was thinking about maybe kissing her the whole car ride, and I was kinda hoping maybe she would. Sorry for the massive wall of text I'm overthinking everything and driving myself mad. I don't have anyone who knows I'm queer besides her so I have nobody to talk to about this.
First of all Anon, remember that it's OK to be confused, and it's OK to not be quite sure what you want. You're navigating these feelings for the first time, and they're generally big feelings which can also make them harder to decipher, especially in the moment.
Sometimes imagining different scenarios can help and sometimes certain scenarios will appeal to you a lot more (remember QPRs are heavily tailored, and can include and not include whatever the people in them want). Sometimes journaling can help with sorting out what you're feeling too, and if you're not sure where to start, there's a lot of good tips for effective journaling online.
It is OK to not have everything figured out right away. Sometimes things also play out over time, you can talk and try things out and see where things go. Honestly my advice would probably be to just start by telling her you're aroace and, if this is something you want to pursue, talking about QPRs, or how aroaces sometimes do relationships a bit differently where the relationship can be tailored to each other/pick and choose what that relationship involves or not. And maybe that would be something that appeals to her, maybe it won't, and you can take note of how you're feeling too. (Of course if you decide you prefer the relatioship you have with her now and don't want to change anything, that's an option too.)
Go easy on yourself, you're figuring all this out as you go. Remember there's two ways this can go, either things work out how you want them to, which would be great, or they won't and you'll still learn a lot in the process and be a lot more ready and prepared the next time you find yourself in a similar situation.
All the best, and good luck!
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theboytatu · 9 months
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anon back from a week ago re: bbh being a messy bitch who likes drama and his ability to shape his fans opinions. still would love your take on this topic if you don't mind
i am sooo sorry omg i have the attention span of an alcoholic toddler!!!! yes ok so I don't have that many examples on hand because i'm not a library of exo content, all my bookmarks on twt are a mess ugh
but re: manipulation and what i would actually call being an expert at exploiting an atmosphere but everyone else calls being an attention whore
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exhibit A: him "drunk texting" fans on bubble during exo fanmeet in april. mind you this was right in the middle of the legal battle with SM which we had no idea about at the time. fans were so emotional - first exo performance as a full group in over 3 years, baekhyun fresh off his military life, yadda yadda yadda - he was pretty drunk from the post concert dinner the group had. yet later we found out idols need to review messages THREE TIMES before sending anything on bubble lmao 😭 i'm not saying he was faking it - i'm saying even drunk he knew exactly what these texts were gonna do to the fans. he is that good at riling people up like that + preemptively digging his parasocial nails into the fandom cause he knew shit was about to hit the fan.... I love his mind
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exhibit B: the most recent example and something that had me crawling up the walls. i'm not saying he faked it or that he planned to fall asleep on purpose during a livestream, i completely believe baekhyun is careless and overworked enough to do that. what makes me scream into a pillow is the way he was UNFAZED by that shit when he woke up. had his manager blowing up his phone asking him to wake up and +40k people hearing him moan in his sleep and he woke up and stayed in the livestream. FOR 30 MORE MINUTES. he laughed it off and started joking teasing people etc etc like he genuinely dgaf.
might I add this pattern of starting twitter lives early in the morning only started after the comeback which i think is very interesting. i dont think its a coincidence at all but i need to gather my thoughts on that
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exhibit C: not manipulative per se but this fucking clip is so insane to me i love how the worst things happened to exo completely unprompted it's like seeing an episode of the office. anyway baekhyun taking one for the team and distracting fans with his silly little dance.. THAT'S RIGHT HE'S THE GUY THAT STEPPED UP. and i think it showcases his quick thinking and social skills perfectly cause the rest of these men were frozen in place with half their asses out but baek just took it like a champ lol. he just wants to be seen <3 and told he's done a good job <3 give him all the praises please
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exhibit D: this horrible fucking live. just baekhyun as a whole in superm.... like he's not dumb he knew nctzens were eating him up and shipping him w taeyong and what did he do? he went ahead and gave them exactly what they wanted.. while wrapping taeyong around his little finger might I add. now i think irl baekhyun and taeyong aren't that close, they're like those friends from work that you genuinely like but it's not someone you would seek out outside of pretty specific social settings. but baekhyun isn't fucking stupid he knew nctzens were a segment of kpop fans he could tap into and either turn into his own fans or he could get slapped in the face by exols turning on him.
anyways this is so fucking long im sorry to ppl following me i'm on mobile and can't make a read more. no one cares about the weird things i only notice about baekhyun but yes there's more to it i just dont have links for most things... but there's not a lot of specific examples idk once you notice it you just watch content with baekhyun and it becomes pretty clear.
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