Hi, I’m new in this tag kinda and new to meta-writing overall, but not only is the August brain rot really strong but one particular part of his entire character has been on my mind for a whole weekend. Please take this as mostly an offering of very spilled thoughts cause I couldn't keep them to myself anymore, LMAO. Particularly the thing that's on my brain is his guilt
I would also like to make note of and thank @ lizardthelizard And her glorious set of tags here for setting off my spiral tonight and also when she first sent them because my goodness this is truly an eye-opener. Thank you, buddy 💖
Gosh though, August’s guilt and self-criticism of himself and his actions is something that really fascinates me personally, and just thinking of it being the cause of what turns him back to wood is both mind-blowing but it just makes so much sense. He may be real because of magic but who’s to say it’s just the magical conditions that are holding him back and not the high as heck expectations that he feels were set for him and he set up for himself.
When it feels like you can't mess up sometimes it can feel like you're stuck in place Or that your screw ups means you can't change, that you're not good, that maybe you don't deserve to be considered good and that your various flaws are all that others would see you FOR!!
Maybe it's different to anxiety but idk it’s what caught my attention about him even more than what his character already offered up in s1!
He was given this like
Idea that he needs to be "Brave" and "Truthful" and "Selfless" all the time or else he cannot be human
Does it work like that? no, there's no human on EARTH that's all three of those things all the time, we've all had moments of weakness and gave in
But what does he know? Most of his life he spent on his own and as a puppet, he was expected to understand the ways of being a human and GOODNESS knows how short a time he was with his dad before he was THRUST into a world and forced once again to stand on his own two feet and expected to just, you know, know how to act once again
He's followed by expectations that he finds himself struggling to meet because he doesn't know what the limit is or how to meet them, and sometimes if not all of the times the temptations are just better and easier
And it's expected!!!
He stepped into TLWM as a child with no idea of what he’s getting into with no prior knowledge, no adult, no nothing.
But omg, he drags himself down so much about it because he can’t meet those expectations the way he would want to and because of that because literally who did he have to tell him that it's all okay? That you can make mistakes and move on from them? That you can make up for your mistakes and forgive yourself for them?
Did he have anyone at all? Cause The show sure didn't show him having anyone
We see one woman in Thailand but even after he discovers he's turning into wood she's no longer around, so like she's probably about as fleeting of a relationship as anything else
Imagine going 28 years at first ignoring all your problems and then the horror and thoughts that you’re not good enough catch up to you one morning and the more you see yourself a failure, the more you sink into that spiral the harder it feels to breathe.
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Gift for @emis-equivalent-exchange for @astranauticus! Some Theatre Dani and VR-LA hanging out
ao3 link
“Are you sure it’s fine we’re in here Dani?” VR-LA slowly closed the door into the theatre, trying to make it as quiet as possible.
Dani strolled right up to the booth, twirling the set of keys around her finger. “Of course,” she called back at him, “I practically run this place. No one will question if I’m here, and if they do they can go fuck themselves. Now come on, I wanna show you how the board works.”
VR-LA jogged up to the booth, where Dani was already messing around with some buttons.
Dani patted the chair in front of the board, “Sit down, I’ve already pulled up the cues. It’s not too different from sound really, all you have to do is press the button when the SM says ‘go’.” Dani took VR-LA’s arm and pushed him to the chair in front of the board, standing to the side of him and holding onto the back of the chair with one hand, gesturing with the other.
“It’s honestly probably less complicated than what you’ve done on sound, since you aren’t focusing on cues and mics, just cues-”
“Are you doing sound this time? I’m surprised you aren’t doing lighting for this show. I don’t remember you saying anything about leaving,” VR-LA interrupted, turning to face Dani.
“No, it’s this music kid that’s been asking for a while and I thought since you’re doing lights why not give it him. H-, He-, I don’t really remember his name, think it started with an H. So no, I’m not in the booth this time, I did design and I’ll be watching the show like a normal person.” Dani looked disappointed for a brief moment before pointing back at the lighting board. “Anyway, here’s your list of cues. You’ll probably want to put them in your script as well, in pencil, before the Q to Q, but it’s really the same as sound. The Stage Manager calls a cue, you response with ‘lx’, and press the button when they say ‘go’. Make you don’t, VR-LA look at me.” Dani twisted the chair to face her and made eye contact with him. “Make sure you only press go when you get told too. Even if the Stage Manager forgets and you know it’s coming. You listen to the Stage Manager no matter what, even if they mess up. Then it’s on them, not you, for messing up a cue.”
VR-LA nodded at Dani and waited until she turned back to face the lighting board and stage to turn back himself.
“I’ll be at the Q to Q as well, in case changes need to be made, which they probably will be. You know how adding cues works right?”
VR-LA nodded.
“It’s the same deal, new cues are .5s or .1s or whatever. I’ll probably add or change cues when we have to, but the system isn’t too hard. You can pick colours here,” Dani hovered the cursor over a colour wheel on the monitor, “or there are sets of colours stored here,” she moved to a tab on the side of the screen. “’Cause we have LEDs you can pick all the colours from here. And then this button saves the cue.” Dani paused and looked back at VR-LA. “I can do all of that this weekend and you can watch, don’t worry.”
VR-LA took the mouse from Dani and clicked on a part of the colour wheel Dani pointed at before swirling around inside of it. The light on stage turned blue, before quickly flashing between all the colours VR-LA had hovered on.
“Oh wow that’s. A lot.”
“LEDs am I right. Delightful tools. Anyway, that’s probably all you really need to know, I mostly just wanted to show you the board.” Dani pushed off the desk, standing back upright, and started looking as if to head out, stepping behind him.
“Who is the stage manager by the way?” VR-LA asked, reaching to find the off switch for the board.
“MR-SN, though I would have assumed you already knew that.”
“I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t know, why would you assume I knew that?” VR-LA asked, confused.
“Well,” Dani drew out the word, smirking, “I thought you two were close.”
VR-LA paused. He and MR-SN did work together and he enjoyed hanging out and talking with him, but he wouldn’t say they were particular close. Certainly not anymore than anyone else in the theatre, right?
“And on that note,” Dani continues, still smiling, “No flirting on headset. The booth isn’t as soundproof as you think it is-“
VR-LA whipped around to face Dani. “What?”
“-And I don’t want to hear anything while sitting in the audience.”
“We do not flirt, MR-SN and I don’t flirt with each other, what are you talking about? I don’t flirt with anyone and definitely not MR-SN.” VR-LA’s words came out rushed and he felt his face start to heat up.
“Well I still don’t want to hear anything, flirting or not.”
“I don’t flirt with anyone Dani!”
“I’m just saying that the booth isn’t fully soundproof VR-LA, that’s all.” Dani smiled at him and his, not serious, rage and embarrassment. Then she looked over his shoulder at the stage and her face fell a bit.
“Are you alright Dani?”
Dani made a small noise of surprise and looked back at VR-LA. “Yeah I’m good, just thinking.”
“Are you sure, you looked sad for a second, is something wrong?”
“No it’s fine, just a lot on my mind. It’s your first show as mlx, it’s a new sound op, this is my first time designing lights myself, it’s a lot going on.”
VR-LA didn’t respond to her. There was a lot of new things going on for this show, and Dani had to be under the pressure of designing her first show by herself.
“It’s just that.” Dani spoke up, tapping her fingers against the back of the chair. “I won’t be there if anything happens. I’m not doing cues to make sure they happen when they should, or on headset to say if anything looks weird, or if anything or one goes missing. After the Q to Q I’m done. Can’t touch anything, it’s out of my hands. I’ll just be sitting in the audience and trust you guys have it under control. Which I do, don’t get me wrong, but-”
“But you want to be there to make sure.”
Dani looked down at the floor. “I’ve never not worked a show before. Even backstage, running around making sure props were in their places or actors made their cues. It’s weird to not have to do anything.”
“And let go of your responsibility?” VR-LA added.
“I guess, it just makes me nervous to not be able to do anything. Even through I totally trust you guys, I don’t think you’ll mess up, but if you do, I can’t do anything and that’s nerve-wracking.” Dani squeezed the back of the chair and looked up at VR-LA.
She did look upset. Not angry, but sad, or longing. Like she didn’t want to give this up to VR-LA and whatever person she grabbed for sound. VR-LA knew Dani wouldn’t let him give up his job to her just so she could be back in the booth, even with how much more experience she had then he did. If she was accepting her role as a designer, for her first solo show, she would stick with that no matter how much she wanted to be in the show. VR-LA hoped that if she watched the tech runs it might calm her nervousness but made a mental note to talk to some of the others to do something for Dani in appreciation.
For now through, “You know, I’m still a bit confused on how to add a cue, could you show it to me again?”
He saw Dani’s eyes light up with excitement again and give him a genuine smile as he pointed back to the monitor, and she came back next to him by the board.
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