#i dont rly id with the term anymore

[volfoss]

autism incident CRITICAL at 3 pm btw

#twist rambles #NOT ALL OF THIS IS FROM TODAY but ive been working hard on this silly guide... its been a lot of fun compiling info that either doesnt exis #on the net anymore (but was archived) or wasnt in english and putting it all together :) idk its silly no one cares abt this game rly but i #has been a VERY enjoyable process :) idk if ill get in depth with it enough that id put it on gamefaq or anything but also like. there is #such a lack of info out there for the game in terms of stuff in one place + easily accessible that most people dont know how many endings #there are or like. how to acheive them. still working on translating and getting that in my doc but its so so so fun <- normally needs #guides with games so ive been THOROUGHLY enjoying this part of making it like getting 2 see the other side of it idk. bringing this game #from 2001 when no ones cared abt it in years BACK!!

[moodr1ng]

omggg theres an actual death rock/post-punk band playing in my city next month.. like they actually make goth music. it is IMPOSSIBLE to find goth shows in this country let alone in my city im soooo into it!! and the venue is literally 2 streets away from my place this fucks so hard

#97 #im def going #gonna try and see if i can convince any friends.... #the issue is i dont have goth friends lol #maybe i can convince some ppl bc the rest of the show is all punk & oi! bands lol #i may suffer bc a lot of punk tends to be in the range of sounds that hurt me but well. #ill pack ear plugs lol #but anyway i gave the bands album a listen and genuinely their stuff is rly good. excited! #maybe i should try to dress more visibly goth or whatever so i have a chance at befriending local goths #theres gotta be some... at uni... right.. #tbh i think french goth is mostly dead lol. you cant even find online places let alone a local scene #and the few online spaces are all shared rock/metal/punk/goth #if theyre goth-only theyre dead w a handful of members who dont post #and they also like. ngl. seem to be populated by edgy noobs #there rarely seems to be much in terms of knowledge of the history of goth or even like..... a particular interest in the music #its moreso about the fashion as in uh. not really goth tbh. #you cant even rly find a french goth facebook group so like. yeah. it is dead as shit lol. #thats why i dont self-id as goth anymore. theres no point if theres no community yknow? and you dont dress in the fashion

[stonerzelda]

While being all brokenhearted and sad writing that post it should be noted that i thought i saw a house centipede in the bed and jumped up, only to find the sweetest roundest little baby mouse that ever lived hiding behind the bed. Tha k u little mouse for trying to cheer me up but sneaking up on me in my blankets is not ideal for me. Esp at almost 4am. Im sorry

#edit: k i deleted most of the posts crying abt this bc like. whatever #i dont care about that sack of shit at least i know i was fuckin right to block them bc they WOULD have gotten worse #like aw a 20 yr old u thought was cool turned out to be creeped out by ur progressively weird messages abt other users uve had sex with? :( #sooo weird aha they must just be dumb❤ like lol #all i care abt is making sure things at least end in good terms with my old mutual bc. she was cool. and id hate for her to think i was #ever malicious T__T this sux. #altho i still dont know for sure if this is what happened like if they turned everyone on me but. cant shake the feeling #it was all around the same time i should have guessed but i GUESS i thought theyd be a fuckin adult and get over it #sigh. idk. this is so dumb im just upset at the feeling This is why we all drifted. like im in the wrong for not wanting to be friends #w someone who was way too comfortable just...sharing shit i didnt consent to hear abt ppl i knew that Also didnt consent to me being told #qnd this all happened SO LONG ago and i didnt even know because i thought this asshole would be normal for some reason!! #this whole time ive been disappointed n a little sad in not seeing certain ppl active anymore but still thibking fondly of them #and this whole time. they could've just been fed lies abt me. its 730am im so fuckin tired but this thought is rly hurtin 😞 #....i just rly hope this isnt why ok. because this isnt anywhere near fuckin fair if it is. im fine if they just dont wanna follow anymore #thats fine im 200% cool with that and i Respect when ppl need to move on whatever i get THAT. but its fuckin greasy if it was out of spite.

[the-pea-and-the-sun]

how did it take me so long to start calling myself aromantic/arospec. like now that ive actually started using the term for myself its so crazy to me that i wasnt using this term since the first time i heard about it. i literally remember like almost a year ago being like "i wish i could just call myself aromantic itd just be a way easier way to explain to people the sort of relationships i want since im interested in sex and really close friendships but not really interested in traditional romantic relationships right now" like my brother you CAN?? jesus fuck. like this thought came aftera series of relationships where i would tell my friends that i had a crush on someone, then the relationship progressed in someway, then i got the sense that the person i was interested in had romantic feelings for me and id get this weird horrible feeling and would run away. and i was literally like "what is this whats going on". i was like woah this must be like.... commitment issues or something. like i was going around telling people that. i was getting over commitment issues that were surely temporary. but they werent asking me to commit to anything they just had feelings for me that i couldnt reciprocate bcz i was just attracted to them and wanted to me friends with them and i thought thats what romantic attraction was. i literally remember telling someone abt someone i liked an they were like "why dont u ask them out?" an my answer was just that i was trying to find reasons not to and i couldnt. cuz i was attracted to them and liked spending time with them and liked being their friend but i was so so happy not being in a romantic relationship anymore and i couldnt shake the feeling that if i got into another one even with the perfect person it was literally gonna ruin my life and i would have to pretend to have feelings that i didnt have.

idk im frustrated that i hadnt considered it sooner but its also kinda exciting to discover something abt urself an ur sexuality. like this label brings me the same joy that other labels that ive discovered fit me do like i feel like how i felt when i came to terms w being trans an being bisexual. i feel like im 13 again finding trans and bisexual youtubers and being like "??? there are others?" like ppl dont talk abut it as much w being aro and ace bcz those are defined by the absence of a feeling rather than the presence of one but it really can be just as exciting to find out that you're aro or ace as it can be to discover that you're a lesbian or gay or transgender or something.

like not to be cheesy but discovering that i could just. have friends and also have sex made everything kinda click in my head for me. like literally i felt like a more complete person. experiencing that and realizing like. oh. this is amazing this is literally all i want like nothing is missing. i literally just dont have to do romance stuff like no ones making me do that why did i think i have to do that. like oh my god this is such a good feeling i really can do whatever i want forever.

this post doesnt rly have a point exactly i just kinda have a lot of feelings to get out. i love you aromantic ppl i love being aromantic it fucking rules actually. every aromantic person whos posted abt their experience an helped me get comfortable w the label i owe u a hundred billion dollars jesus christ i love you guys

#i need to. find more aromantic ppl i need to cook for u guys or give u guys money or something #i owe openly aromantic ppl so much i gotta get out there #im so excited to go to a bigger city an visit/volunteer at their lgbtqia center i Really Really wanna meet some aro ppl in person #i love my local one but it is quite small #maybe my expectations r too high. idk. the idea of meeting other aromantic ppl jus kinda makes my brain start buzzing #also aro ppl interact plz ill follow u guys #aro #aromantic #arospec #aromantism #aromaticism #? #i cant spell

[hexagonopus]

CW: discussion of slurs, uncensored use of the r slur and the f slur

i wanted to talk about the way people use the R slur and are like, "no uwu its ok im reclaiming it"

like, just as a disclaimer (i consider this basically unrelated to my actual point):

but like, if someone tells me they arent comfortable with me using the r slur when around them, obviously im gonna not use it around them.

thats not really related to the topic at hand imo, though. id do the same thing with words like queer which have been unambiguously reclaimed but do still make some people feel targeted or upset.

if someone asked me not to talk about dogs when around them because their dog passed away id think about it the same way, and its not super about the semiotics of the word dog or smth

but we can observe that the word "retarded" used to describe neurodivergent people comes from a medical field that was, at its base, hostile to a vulnerable minority population. the inception of the word was not neutral, it was aggressive. it was also imposed from above onto that same minority group, and used to discriminate them out from the in group.

thats the historical basis of the word being a slur. as the medical field has advanced over time, we've shed that term in an academic context, because our treatment of and understanding of neurodivergent people has advanced to a point where "mentally slow or halted in mental progression" is not an accurate description of how the medical field understands neurodivergent people as a group.

ill admit, we can also observe that terms like "stupid, lame, moronic, imbecile, idiot", etc also have similar roots and an argument can be made that they also used to be slurs, even if they aren't used in that way anymore. so like theres a path that i think a lot of people want to take the word retarded down, and a lot of people also relate to having used it in that sense basically their whole life. i dont super want to discount that

but

so many people who use the r slur posture so much about "oh im reclaiming it", and i guess i find that pretty absurd.

like. "queer" is reclaimed bc we use queer as a neutral, descriptive word. the n word is reclaimed as a display of comradery. sometimes people will call themselves like the f slur or the d slur to say just, "im so gay" in a positive way. these are words who have a tangibly different use than they had as slurs, they are not being used to slur people.

but ive never actually seen someone use the r slur that way? its always being used derogatorily. it is fundamentally still being used as a slur. and we agree that slurs are bad. so why doesnt that compute?

you cant just continue to call things the r slur as an insult to say its stupid as hell and consider that reclamation bc its like, identical to how the slur has been used for decades

like if i say "im such a fag" im not rly saying "im degenerate and not masculine" im saying like. god i like boys and im gay and im gay. yknow??

this isnt like the word retard. ive LITERALLY never in my entire life seen someone use the word retard to mean smth other than an insult. if someone used "retard" in a like self affectionate sense to evoke comradery w/ other neurodivergent people. thats groovy imo that would be a case of trying to "reclaim" it.

my beef is with people who use the word "retard" in a way indistinguishable from how people have use it for decades, just to say "thats stupid, thats low, i dont like that" and then are like "no u dont get it; im neurodivergent so its reclaimation"

finally, a note addressed to the people who want to use the r slur as a word for "stupid" not directed at neurodivergent people:

if someone is using the r slur they should be honest about why they're saying it. and that is, always:

because its an insult, they're trying to insult something by calling it stupid.

they're trying to neutrally describe a neurodivergent people bc they think its still the 1960s

they're specifically trying to insult neurodivergent people

and like, HOPEFULLY we can agree that 3 is just bad.

2 is also bad, if arguably well intentioned. its smth to be corrected, and thats what things like Rosa's Law was passed for.

and ig in that context, i dont personally see the appeal of using it in the case of 1.

why would u want to share that kind of linguistic company w/ 2 and 3, yknow???

#cw slurs #tw: slurs #reclaimed slurs #f slur reclaimed #ableist slurs #ableist language cw #ableism #r slur #cw r slur #tw r slur #f slur tw #f slur #f slur mention #r slur tw #r slur mention #wow thats a lot of cw tags #hopefully no one sees this who doesnt want to ;v; #discourse tm #si(o)s #long post

[vanillatalc]

just an aside, i prefer the term body dysphoria rather than body dysmorphia bc i feel like the term body dysmorphia implies a certain kind of delusionality re: how i look that i don't appreciate - i know what i look like, i just hate it - and i think a lot of body dysmorphia conceptually centers on this idea of like seeing yourself as "bigger than you are", and rly villifies the idea of actually being objectively fat? like "no no you aren't really fat - it's BODY DYSMORPHIA!" do you know what i mean? i know what i look like + ive been told from childhood both indirectly + directly (by my mother) that it's not ok - are you telling me im "unwell" to feel like this??? that i have some kind of "disorder"??? would you not also feel like this if you'd had the life i've had lol??? anyway: my friend lianne sent us some pics from a few months ago when we met up in the woods + i am absolutely terrified to look at any of them lol :) i just dont want to look at myself at all and i just am horrified i even allowed this to take place. i keep telling myself that it's ok bc i've lost [significant no of]lbs since then but that in itself is driving me nuts that i am just thinking that instead of like: here's some nice pics of me + ben! im just thinking like "nononono bc i dont look like that anymore nope it's fine" argh

also, going forward im just gonna tag all these kinds of posts with cw: eating disorder if you want to block them bc im aware of the uptick in them + im v sorry about it but also like. this is my life so i am gonna be posting about it i guess i also wish i hadn't promised ben that id pick one of them to show to our friends bc i dont want to show ANY of them to ANYONE

#cw: eating disorder

[girlwithfish]

its really disheartening my therapist kind of dismissed me bringing up bpd idk. i know myself before than she does and its hard to talk about the reality of everything and maybe im not explaining it well. the only way maybe shed believe me is if i end up going to the hospital eventually when my bf calls someone on me when im threatening mylife! who knows. i do split and it is really common for ppl w this disorder bc i have read so much abt it and read ppls stories on the subreddit and their experiences to split only on their partners or very close personal friend or family member aka their fp. and the only reason i dont have unstable friendships is bc i literally do not have a single friend in my real life idk. and i dont talk to my family thst much. and idk she said bpd shows thru time but in a lot of things ive read it always says it tends to show up in early adulthood etc plus ive barely ever talked abt my childhood w my therapist or any thing abt my relationship to my parents or family and i dont have much of a relationship w family rn where id be splitting on them bc we dont talk to each other like that or argue its a more distant relationship that doesnt involve personal life if that makes sense. and a lot of ppl diagnosed bpd say they feel like they dont even have it or doubt themselves when theyre not in a relationship bc their symptoms are less severe or show up less bc a lot of bpd has to do w symptoms that show up in interpersonal dynamics. IDK. like i dont think i explain it well so she prob thinks im just fucking bullshitting when i say like yeah i relate to xyz symptom fear of abandonment etc emptiness and she doesnt even rly understand or talk much when i mention splitting but i definitely experience it and like 8 out of the 9 criteria i relate to, most pretty severely. idk i feel like no one takes me seriously lol idk its whatever and im not gonna take her word as like the highest authority bc its true she doesnt know me that well bc im very bad at giving the whole picture like yeah im not gonna tell u i literally get so unwell and paranoid i think someones going to kill me sometimes and that i have uncontrollable mental breakdowns where i honestly should have been hospitalized bc this is not fucking normal idk and the uncontrollable rage and intense emotions and i feel like i cant explain my pain well to anyone and no one takes it seriously anyway if i tried idk? maybe i should start writing down every thing that happens and be really honest when i do that and maybe itd be easier to talk abt if i write it down first idk. like the only reason she dismissed it is bc i dont have close relationships w any other person basically and ive never been in a long term relationship before my current or had a long term friendship irl it feels and its really hard to really know whats going on anymore. my sister doesnt rly understand it and her belief that i dont have bpd is bc "ive always been like this" and she thinks how i act is just like anxiety or depression but she doesnt rly understand bpd it feels cuz most ppl w bpd have depression? so saying like "xyz symptom is just depression" doesnt rly make sense. idk. its hard cuz idk whats real anymore and ok if i dont have bpd i justhave really bad anger issues and experience nearly every symptom and i understand its difficult to diagnose and comorbid w many other conditions but am i seriously supposed to just pretend im normal idk. not begging for a label but also want to know what the fuck is wrong w everything ive been going thru for nearly two yrs and a lot of things ive experienced before my relationship too but i dont think its crazy that a lot of symptoms got heightened when i got into a relationship bc a lot of ppl diagnosed w bpd also experience that yk and feel more stability when single etc. Idk idk. like i dont wanna pathologize everything but also its gotten so bad i feel like ive been dying for a year. thanks

[matoitech]

honestly at this point like. i think ppl should just be ashamed for how they act abt the q slur. like i still dont rly get how ppl r like well brands and corporations and cishets love this slur now n calling lgbt ppl this widely n pretending its a ‘community term’ and ‘universally reclaimed slur’ now so ig its not a slur anymore and anyone whose ever said theyve been called that and its a heavy or traumatic word for them must be lying and hate other gay people and i am going to harass them by calling them this slur and that is normal and not evil of me. i hope ppl develop brains soon b4 its too late cuz i cannot comprehend how ppl think that a company like, walmart or whatever calling you a slur and donating to anti trans legislation behind their rainbow twitter icon is a good thing for the lgbt community. id love to know how you feel ‘safer’ now

#tis just nuts i dot understand it at all. ppl r so fast to believe some random person on the internet who says smth like #'oh actually its not a slur its never historically been a slur' which is obv untrue like Look it up on the fucking internet you can SEE #tgats not true you can go ANYWHERE and ask ANYONE besides some random internet person n know thats made up #BUT PPL WOULD RATHER BELIEVE IT. THEYD RATHER HAVE THE IDEA OF IT BEING LIKE #SOME FUN QUIRKY COMMUNITY TERM THAN A SLUR RECLAIMED FOR POWER IN THE FACE OF OPPRESSION? I GUESS? #like personally i would never call myself that bcuz i just refuse to accept a fucking slur being forced on me #theres no power in me saying this to me it just feels like Tolerating homophobia. target puts it on their goddamn shirts #it means nothing to me i dont want it. #but why do ppl want 2 just believe walmart when the commercial says fun cool word for you and your friends #easier than putting any effort in2 understanding the weight of slurs n what reclamation is actually used for n means to ppl i guess

[eirian]

uh ohhhhh career crisis time for dan !!!!

im doing ok just doing commissions for a living so part of me is like "dont mess this up by trying to jump careers again" but another part of me is wondering if this is rly what i want to do in life. like, i know i want to draw for a living thats essential to my wellbeing. but How do i want to draw, yknow?

i know i dont want to work in the animation industry anymore bc that shit's too cutthroat for my weak heart lol. also too restricting and demanding in terms of what im Supposed to draw. i want something more free like what im doing now with commissions

do i Want to just do commissions forever though..?? i started considering being a comic artist (not freelance; i mean making my own series) but im aware of how grueling and demanding that lifestyle is as well. er..at least for manga artists in japan. i dont super know how well comic artists do over here u_u

all i know is that i want to draw for a living because thats my biggest passion in life but i also want to create my own things as part of that, yknow? comic artist seems like a good direction but id have to do more research into that i think..

im obviously not giving up commissions for now lol. maybe i'll even do both commissions And comic art? thatd be way more work but i can probably limit my commission slots when that happens

i have bad adhd (and autism) so finding a "regular person job" is way too difficult and i dont even know how to begin with ssi stuff so i dont feel like i should rely on that either uou

as for commissions i kind of usually have One Client that gets a lot of commissions and im afraid to bank on that person either bc what if they lose their job? what if they cant afford me anymore? i dont get very many orders from ppl besides them so im a little scared haha. but things will work out surely, they always have and im keeping a positive outlook

#me when i ramble again

[comphet-critical]

hey. can u pls help me sort something out. i think i actually do not know my sexuality but like i really am in shambles over it. i think i should call myself a bisexual. but i dont feel attracted to men. like at all. i dont care for them except as for fellow humans. i am overcome with desire for women. i need their presence. But. i am in a relationship with a man. idk if “comphet” led me there but it is what it is but its been 2 years and i cant leave because otherwise id be homeless. like im basically with him for the access to money and the nice apartment which i realize makes me a horrible person but it is what it is. i cant decide whether to leave or not every single day. ofc my integrity is so important but i come from poverty and its hard to imagine reverting. and him specifically… he is not a bad companion, he is a nice man and helps me and hes not repulsive looking, he doesnt force me into wife, childbearer, maid, but i still think my brain just views him as a really good friend. and my only friend basically… idk. there is not a deep emotional connection i associate with romantic partnership… the last time we had s*x was months ago and i cried and i couldnt do it anymore. well i think i do not want to have sex in general with anyone. but yeah my mind is like. i need to be mutually in love with a woman or i will die. but also im autistic. i guess the man is too. but like ok. im sorry for pouring my heart out. u can make fun of me if u want. tell me how it rly is. wishing you a wonderful winter season

hi, that is quite a lot.

i can’t give you advice on your situation with your male partner, but in terms of sexuality you definitely are bisexual, but by the sounds of it you’re bisexual with a preference for woman but settled for a man.

good luck, i hope everything works out for you!

#ask #signs you’re bi

[37q]

eating disorder tw but its not the main focus rly i dont think hm wait ok maybe.. mostly gender talk actually

anyways personalizing "it's incredible what women will come up with if left to their own devices" for a sec: ive had trouble articulating this recent phenomenon in my life but lately ive been working on the values i hold "capability" to and the ways that i allow those values to make decisions for me instead of just living life with whimsy.

still caught up in optics as ive always been maybe as a disease of childhood transness but far better than i used to be and yet! im always weighing how material, physical empowerment will be gendered! i saw a quote a while back from like this one transfems lil memoirs and a conversation she had w a friend abt their eating disorder i think? and the friend was like yeah i mean transition and life as a woman has been excruciating enough already but whats another pain if itll help me pass? or whatever. im so scared of gaining any mass anywhere above my waist!!! i wanna throw up thinking about it!!!! oh my god ive never said that before i feel so sick!!!!!

anyways i struggle w NOT presenting weakness or frailty when im fearful of a gendering Eye of Patriarchy or fuckin. male panopticon inside my head but thats the thing! 🥰 ive been divorcing from that panoptic on my head lately! its still there lowkey but my drive to make my life better has been overcoming that adolescent "avoid male interests at all costs" fear :)

so now im like fascinated by like engineering again im thinking of ways to produce more effective hand rests on the bottom of my steering wheel (maybe i wont even have to remove the plastic on the wheel if im good enough at making sockets? for the rests if i make them attachable via clip :3c) and ive been making moves to get into woodworking and throwing together rudimentary furniture which is just so different than what id previously felt abt it. ive been fixing things so often lately like OBSESSED with getting tools for problems i understand 40 year old dads now. that thought is what kills me n saves me tho interestingly enough

what had previously been like a grand gendering process of establishing my princess status (its still there tho) had actually just been reinforcing the unhealthy habits i used to get there in the sense of physical and emotional weakness -- going largely untreated for like 3 or 4 disorders which either obliterate my prefrontal cortex, the integrity and efficacy of my synaptic response in neurotransmission, or my reception of the macro resources necessary to maintain basic body function to name a few... but like theres something to be said for how explicitly gendered it is to be starved-stupid crazy weak and feminine as fuck. not assigning values to those terms (anymore) i was just like leaning into being insanely unwell and calling it a gender role. which tbf is like the predominant myth ALSHSLFHDKD...

... but also im working on stepping away from internalizing a relationship w the myth of gender and using that reaction as my behavioral starting point! (affirmation and argument time) im not a man, i wont even trip and fall into manhood no matter what endeavors i pursue! no matter how much goes on in others ppls heads! there is no way to look at or engage with the world in an explicitly man way because life doesnt actually function on categorical dualities, not to mention bimodal distributions! and thats lesbianism (and therapy) at work! like no presumption of a male occupation of an Entire Sector Of Life And Economy and working on that latent projection of gendered insecurities (and thus production of gendered karma in my materialization of such a projection via action or inaction) onto a life thats literally Just Life Dude. i literally make it. the future doesnt exist yet and the only value it has it the karma we bring to it and take from it!

huge mood change ugh solemn now im forgetting the śūnyatā of the self, the śūnyatā of its form, the śūnyatā of the conception of form itself... of course its only determined internally via extant thought forms and reproduced via tangible, material projection... thats literally the whole racket! of course im suffering with it!!!!!!!!

sooooo yeah im working on recognizing impermanence and encouraging WWP (wonder whim play) just as long as i dont root it in a sense of stability or security! currently that security comes from my sense of any (patriarchal obvi) gendering processes at work in any social situation at hand so i could work on 1. shallowly, my proximity to men or 2. conventionally, my personal processes of projection and reaction to a psychological proximity to men or 3. ultimately, my necessity to ground my "sense of self" in an illusory, impermanent, and universally imprisoning process extant to saṃsāra such as the social mechanisms of gender. i dont even have to fight to have a name for what my wife n i got goin on not because its too complex or too hard but literally i dont care. my words are as empty as yours

#freeform

[livecharliereaction]

longer ramble (post tsumihoroboshi part 5)

enough higuing today OK: im rly liking the different protags btw meakashi shion pov and now the rena bits it works VERY WELL! But it also rly makes sense that the first 3 had to be keiichi because to understand renas/shions/rly anyone elses thoughts you have to understand some things about hinamizawa itself so making us play from the pov of a guy who just got here? its kinda the only option. I think those last tips r from the "evil rika" by the way so like demon allegations never stop with her + sonozakis. which of course makes SENSE three families n all that. i think satokos outbursts seem sort of normal for a traumatized child and as i said before; rena can do ANYTHING and ill forever just be able to brush it off with a "ohh shes a weird girl i guess :P" and now that she killed 2 people again i am not changing this statement in the slightest. She can just do that. Let her do whatever the hell she wants ETC. But clearly not a demon from three families with how she describes it all.

In shion pov she did actually call this "evil rika" a demon too so calling her that suffices for now. They do keep saying that the elderly think of rika as a reincarnation of oyashiro. i mean i dont think id be too off the mark to just call that "evil rika" oyashiro but i think its a term made up by the villagers instead of her REAL name so im just gonna call her "evil rika" until they provide me a better way to call her.

I also think that she will be the way this ties into umineko. I know a few facts... 1. theres a character with the same voice casting i dont remembr her name but u know the one who kinda looks like her anyways 2. the playing order should be higurashi first if at all and then umineko because theres characters who will refer to something that happened in higurashi/something youll understand if you have played higurashi... But like even aside from this kinda meta information i know theres a girl who looks like rika a lil too much. OH IDEA? Its just another oyashiro reincarnation 8 generations before or 8 generations after higurashi. Ok that might be jumping to conclusions a little but just something to state so itll be funny to look back at either if that happens OR its actually super false as hell

...as a matter of fact I used to think the other umineko character looked a LOT like satoko but i saw her on the tl the other day i think n i dont think so anymore. Color palettes more similar to miyo takano if i HAD to choose n that seems like a stretch too. OK but i need to mute the wtc tags though because were in peak spoiler territory i feel... Ok.

Also last thing: that time of rena stating she wants to go back in time immediately cut to all of the guys having a nice time without a single mention of the people rena killed (ofc - keiichi pov) but in a way RIGHT NOW? its kinda out in the open if that DID happen until we get rena pov again which i find a little fun.

Oh but one thing does still bother me to no end... Renas mentions of seeing oyashiro before makes literally no sense with the information we have so far. BUT ONCE AGAIN. renas just kinda weird. Maybe thats a conclusion she made because well shes a little weird and also mentioned to be like actually mentally ill. Man how did they write a character like that where shes my absolute #1 favorite no shot but then i trust literally nothing she says??? So funny. Love her

stopping for today though i mean i want to continue but we have to have SOME self discipline left so it all doesnt end in like a week:P ok bye

#charhigurashi6

[lgb-ullshi-t]

"I'm not an aphobe I was ace for years" LMFAO what is this kindergarten??? Are we all incapable of self hatred or internalized bigotry now? Don't even try to use a previous label as an excuse for aphobic actions

sorry to break it to you homie but ur the one stuck in kindergarten if you really think aphobia actually fuckin exists

#asks #answered #anon #ace #aphobia #chile.......... anyways so- #actuallyftm #yall wanna be oppressed SO bad #truscum #only tagging the last one to see what fun interactions i get #i dont rly id with the term anymore

[banghwa]

Nb ask anon here, tysm for answerring the ask about how u came to terms with ur gender, it's always insightful to see what other trans people have to say about their experiences even if I cant relate to everything u said, I guess for me I started to notice that I wanted to present more masc than i used to, I've 'been' a cis girl all my life and a rather girly one to be honest (although I think part of that is because I've been forced to do so).

But when people call me women or girl smth just.. doesnt sound right to me to be honest, like I know I'm not a man but a woman seems also kinda.... "strong", I just want to put wlw as my gender to be honest ajsjkssks I know that doesnt make sense but it's the only thing I know for sure in my life and also they/them pronouns are cool too I guess lol but anything besides that seems so alien to me, like for example my name, it's not that I dislike it but I've always been reluctant to search for a new one, it's like taking a step in a direction, THAT direction u know what I mean

Ugh then there's the whole presentation problem of like I kinda like to look fem but not for certain people but I definitely wanna look more masc or even gnc, like I want people to look at me and not "be able" to assume what I am u know but also sometimes girly things are pretty so fml

Anyways this gender shit is so complicated jules like it takes so much experimenting and shit and I'm just like ugh why cant I just KNOW things right now

(Sorry for the rant but u just seemed very trustworthy and helpful in the 1st ask)

omg pls dont apologize, im more than happy that your trust me enough to talk to me about something to personal <3 but yess i rly love hearing how everyone defines their gender its so interesting how we're all so different but also the same, its very comforting i feel. (answered under the cut bcs it got long lol)

thats actually really similar to how i started exploring my gender! i am a very feminine person but when i started figuring out my sexuality i also started realizing how much i disliked being read as feminine by other people despite liking being feminine. and how much i liked more masculine compliments and indentifiers. i started out id-ing as a cis bi girl and then a bi nb guy and then bi trans guy and then gay nb and now nb lesbian so its BEEN a process lmao and i know how frustrating it is to feel like you dont have it all figured out or to think you have it figured out only for you to realize it doesnt quite fit anymore later on. it feels a lot like you have to restart the whole process, but in reality i think its more of a checkpoint, ya know? sometimes we have to make a lot of stops and try out a lot of things before we find something that fits and thats totally fine. for me it was like. when i realized i was not cis it felt like running as far away as i would from my agab and then slowly coming back to poke it with a stick kjgfhkj.

and its definetly so complicated when you feel like the terms you want to identify with are "contradictory," we don't really have the vocabulary in english to describe how we experience our gender properly most of the time and some things just dont fit and its hard to explain exactly *why* to someone who doesnt Get It. but maybe its partially a blessing in disguise, bcs it lets us really test things out and play around until it feels right. you can definetly id your gender as wlw, i personally describe my gender as "lesbian" bcs i feel thats the only thing that still ties me to "womanhood." i do get what you mean tho, it was really scary for me too to start using "contradictory" identifiers, like im a lesbian but i use he/they pronouns and i like presenting fem but i hate when people assume im a woman or straight because of it. it really is frustrating trying to figure all this out when everyone around you treats gender like something they get to project onto you and feeling like you need to play into that in order to feel "real." i still have a lot of trouble detatching my gender identity from other peoples assumptions and expectations, so it feels a bit hypocritical to try to give advice on that lol, but i think it all comes back to figuring out what *you* want first and foremost, having trusted people who you can talk to and experiment with, and seeing it as a learning opportunity more than a "goal" or "destination."

it definetly is so frustrating but you're not the only one <3 im sorry happy that you're taking the time to explore what feels right to you even though its daunting to admit that to yourself. some steps like trying a different name can ESPECIALLY be really challenging and scary and it takes so much courage to admit that thats even a potential, im so proud of you honey and i wish you all the best <33 im always here and happy to talk if you want to

#💌 #anonymous

[vanityloves]

venting

i think i need irls to hang out with bc i cut myself off from the ones i used to hang with since i didnt want to see [redacted] anymore. i kinda came to terms that id distance myself from them bc i wanted her to have them as a support group + i didnt want them to feel pressured to choose a side even though ik we'd be civil.

i dont often feel the urge to go out w/ people and stuff but i kinda do miss that interaction ig. mostly bc i want to be able to connect w/ ppl n idk talk to someone??? its just not the same bc im so used being inside and entertaining myself. i dont think id have the energy to be fun irl.

i rly screwed myself bc i dont think ill be able to make friends irl like i said i could. i think i put too much faith in that jdjdj. it seemed good at the time but oh well i guess jsjd.

-

also jsjd i know im kinda nice but im not v out going and rarely make the first move i just kinda feel left out bc ik online relationships dont really help in my irl situations and it scares me that ill be alone

#brainworm ivy #d.o.n.o.t.r.e.b.l.o.g #i think i did what was best im just kinda like. maybe i should've thought for myself too but oh well jdjd #im honestly p happy w/ my online friends and such #surprisingly i feel fulfilled in that area almost all the time. its just now im??? thinking

[monchesi]

jim is back w another one...... same goes same goes fr this special liddol muse o mine here... like if u wld like to plot or simply msg me on discord (jimb#4863) n we will get it poppin (pinterest) also frgive me this is gna be more of a blurb type intro than anything i cnt focus atm bt im trying to get something out there in a timely manner

* amanda campana, nonbinary + she/they  |  you know monserrat marchesi, right? they’re twenty, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, six years? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to underneath it all by no doubt like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole drunk walk home, low rise jeans, pounding headache that starts to feel good once you get used to it thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is december 11th, so they’re a sagittarius, which is unsurprising, all things considered.

mon has been alone fr as far back as she can remember (bt thts questionable now considering her memory has been gnawed down to the marrow by extensive and continuous use of ecstasy)

(tw abuse) wht she can briefly recollect is tht shes been on the streets since she was 16 n life before tht was desolate n sad. other than tht vague recap.... shes wiped her mind of being physically n verbally abused by her stepdad in a teeny tiny apartment in florida fr several yrs (since she was an infant) n all throughout it was never defended by her mom. in fact in her preteens her mom decided to jump in on it out of a warped jealousy she developed over the years in which she felt her husband was paying more attention to treating her daughter like garbage instead of her so she jst.... began including herself in the mistreatment mon was getting n basically verbally harassing her every day after school....... it worked in terms of forming a bond between her parents in a sick n worrying way bt was so so so crippling n horrible to mon

so wht really matters is whts in the present. dont even think abt learning much of her backstory because she cant recall any of her childhood except for those small granules tht lead to nowhere / provide no better understanding of who she is today n just send her spiraling since none of it makes any sense anymore. i think the one moment she will never b able to erase frm her mind however is when he (stepdad) smashed his cigarette into her mac n cheese n told her to eat it. she just sat and stared at it and cried

(tw homelessness) mon doesnt even remember running away. she mightve been dropped off fr all she knows.... cant pin any of her memories of going to school as a kid down even..... has kind of been an unidentifiable blip on the map since becoming homeless

tht being said... without a parent or guardian shes been fending fr herself n was a street rat fr such a long time. doesnt hav a drivers license or a ssn or even any form of ID. no credit card or debit card. knows her name n date of birth n buys flip phones frm the grocery store to keep in contact w people xx pays in all cash n coins xoxo

jump to now.... mon is technically homeless bt is content. lives on the beach n is more than happy with it. sometimes just sleeps on the sand bt has a trailer parked underneath a dock thts been getting threatened to be removed fr months now (she dsnt care). its decorated with all types of lights that shes found thrown out or at the thrift store n it glows so bright u can see the neon colors thru the boards of the dock above it. has lawn chairs in frnt of the door n a big cartoonish padlock on the door. she wears the key arnd her neck

(tw affair mention) personality wise shes vry naive n playful. part of this is the E bt a lot of it is wanting to feel like life is worth living even in the rough parts — shes found tht tht aspect of her can also be misconstrued as carefree n has gotten mingled with a handful (or three) of men tht take advantage of her untroubled nature to forget all of their responsibilities. at the moment she has an ongoing affair w a married man named hank who helps her stay on her feet by giving her money every month or two in an envelope with a big wax stamp on it. its nothing major bt it helps

(tw sexual content + drug use) mon kind of has a reputation bt i dont think shes aware of it. im sure a lot of locals bully her or pick on her fr it behind her back.... they kind of mistake her for a bit of a nymphomaniac bt she doesnt consider it tht way at all. things jst spun out of control the more n more she was using E (and other similar drugs) to get by n now being reliant on it she just gives in to urges n will sleep w just abt anyone. it turns out fine most of the time bt sometimes she just crashes on the way to their place n becomes this vacant girl tht doesnt speak or do much of anything. in one of these instances she n some dude were abt to hookup bt she crashed on the way to his apartment n he pulled ovr n pushed her out of the passengers seat onto the sidewalk. she jst laid there until the morning w her heels kicked off n scrapes all over her elbows n knees

so shes known fr many of these instances.... security guards finding her sprawled out on the asphalt of a parking lot or at the bottom of a staircase of a motel she doesnt know. its rly depressing

ANYWAY........ moving on from this sad sad sad stuff.... mon is notably a lovebug shes vry sweet n kind n she works shifts at fannies every two weeks or so / whenever ppl call out. she loves ppl she loves partying n dancing n she is fun. has no defined sexuality n questions gender a lot so considers herself nonbinary bt uses she/her/they/them. a bit odd and kind of unaware of wht is appropriate n what isnt (several instances of wearing bikinis n a pair of sneakers to shop for a loaf of bread n some lemonade) bt she means well

has a black kitten named shanks tht she litchrally considers her child. takes better care of him than she takes of herself n brings him places cradled in her arms like a baby

anywho..... i rly recommend checking out mons pinterest tht i linked up there i feel like mayb having visuals of the vibe will help piece together her personality xoxoxo

anyway..... give me ALL the plots ANY plot u cld ever want i will hand to u in a matter of seconds the writing will just manifest at my will..... i still have a lot of things to figure out with mon bt i love her n i hope u all will too

#irvingintro #ok let me know if i missed one.... #posts this even tho there are bound to be typos n this is honestly a mess.... #dnt look at me.... #drug use tw #drugs tw #physical abuse tw #verbal abuse tw #homelessness tw #drug addiction tw #affair tw #memory loss tw