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#i haven't decided the first ones name
pokimoko · 1 month
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The One-Way Waltz of the Moth and the Wild Flame (and the Incident of the Authorial Intrusion) - A Good Omens Fic
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Written by pokimoko
Chapters: 1/1
Word Count: ~25K
Fandom: Good Omens (TV)
Rating: Teen and Up Audiences
Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Crowley & Muriel (Good Omens), Crowley & Nina (Good Omens), Crowley (Good Omens) & Original Character(s)
Characters: Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale (Good Omens), Muriel (Good Omens), Original Characters, (who is technically not an original character but I've got to keep some secrets ;) ), Nina (Good Omens), Background & Cameo Characters
Summary: A story in which Crowley does not prevent forest fires, a radio sends out thoughts and prayers, an angel misuses the emergency contact, the local duck population invents socialism, trees are threatened to varying degrees of success, a waltz is indeed played, and an author considers the nature of tragedies.
Tags: Ineffable Divorce | Aziraphale and Crowley Break Up (Good Omens), Post-Break Up, POV Crowley (Good Omens), Emotional Hurt, He/Him Pronouns For Crowley (Good Omens), They/Them Pronouns for Muriel (Good Omens), Crowley & Muriel Friendship (Good Omens), Angst and Humor, Crowley-centric (Good Omens), Canon Continuation, Post-Season/Series 02, Post-Episode: s02e06 Every Day (Good Omens), Pre-Season/Series 03, No Aziraphale Slander Here but it is also Crowley's POV so expect at least some Thoughts, Angry Crowley (Good Omens), Running Away, Both in the Emotional and Literal Sense, Because You Don't Have to Deal with Your Romantic and Personal Issues in Washington State. Obviously, (incorrect: you very much do), Crowley is a Mess (Good Omens), (even if he won't admit it), Crowley Loves Aziraphale (Good Omens), (another thing he won't admit), Aziraphale Loves Crowley (Good Omens), They're just being stupid, Not A Fix-It, References to God(s), Romantic Angst, America, United States, Fire Lookout, Remember Only You Can Prevent Forest Fires (Unless You Are Anthony J. Crowley), hey is it healthy to repeatedly relive a past trauma to deal with a breakup? asking for a friend, Scene: The Bookshop Fire (Good Omens), Fire, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Isolation, When You're Trying to Cope Badly in the American Wilderness but People Keep Talking to You, Radio, Inspired by Firewatch (Video Game), Character Study, Crowley and the Woes of Being In a Narrative That Won't Let You Go, (Fleabag voice) This is a Tragedy, But oh? What's this?, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ambiguous/Open Ending
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kopimoss · 1 month
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Here's my sdv farmer!!!! I took some liberties bc I haven't got ginger island in my 1.6 save yet lma o but I KNOW Leo and her will be the best of friends.
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sysig · 4 months
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My ship now (Patreon)
#Doodles#Pajama Sam#Florette#Luke Wigglebig#Flukette#I decided that since I'm the only one on the whole internet shipping these two that I could make up my own ship name lol#What do you /mean/ no one is shipping these characters from a children's game from two decades ago who barely speak to each other???#Lol#I know what I'm about#These were mostly getting-used-to-again doodles since I haven't drawn them in like a year ahhh I've missed them! More than I realized#Still using Luke's classic design rather than my constrast-maker on his jacket haha#It's fun and looks good but it can be a pain to draw sometimes lol - simple is the way to go!#They've both got that in spades ♪ Cute to-the-point designs :D I always wish for more Luke in the game tho...You don't even rescue him....#Anyway lol mostly silliness! The first inspired the second can you tell lol#What if Florette was tall but not actually lol#To be fair she probably could've been tall - broccoli isn't naturally short! That's the supermarket precut version!#She could be leggy for all we know lol - I do like her height difference with Luke tho#All the better to pick her up and give her a smooch!#Or in the case of her having arms - the jacket returns! Although I think I only posted the original to my alt :0 - then to drag him down >:3#Get him on your level!#Why is she threatening to kill him? Banter (lol)#She's a real threat now that she has access to limbs#And a slightly more friendly drag him down ♪ I love reaching towards each others ahhh <3#He can rest a hand on the ground and still be upright to kiss her lol#To be fair it's probably a pain to stand from sitting or laying when your ''leg'' is just a continuation of your torso#And then a last couple chibis <3 I'd like to make some Humongous Entertainment style pixel art based on them ♪#Also ft. their design swaps! Which were also posted to my alt lol#She's just so cute with those big cartoony eyes gazing up at him ♥
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iceeericeee · 6 months
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I wonder how many tags i can add on to this
#there must be SOME kind of a limit otherwise posts would get suuuuuuper duper long like is it just 30?#idk but i'm going to find out by simply maxxing out the character limit for each tag and finding out the limit of tags for each post lololo#this is gonna be great. i just have to remember to type without ever using the comma. it shouldn't be too hard right? fuck i almost typed#the comma i'm already bad at this smh my head. also if your still here i commend you. you have a better attention span than i do.#i'm already starting to get bored holy shit this is not happening. i gotta power through this. FOR SCIENCEEEEEEEEEE. or somethinggggggggggg#but fr idk what else to say. maybe just saying that i don't know what to say will be good enough? but does that even count?#I don't even know anymore. ffffffffuck. this is gonna be a while huh? also holy shit if you're still here omg u deserve like. a prize or#something because u definitely didn't have to stay and read all of this bull shit. lololol i typed out bs but decided to just spell the who#thing out just to make it go by faster. i'm so lazy. this is only the nineth tag HOW will i make it to 30. i am sobbing the adhd is adhding#very hard rn. are you still here? bruh this is insane. i have somehow managed to keep ur attention this long and it's just me spouting#absolute balderdash. wait do you know what balderdash even means? i don't care if you do already i'm gonna tell you anyway. balderdash is#basically just another word for nonsense. boom. you learned something new today. balderdash equals nonsense equals this damn post.#why did i decide to do this in the first place. it was a dumb idea. i don't know if i can even keep going. this is only the *counts tags*#it's the 14th tag. we've got a long way to go boys. men. soldiers. comrads. friends. besties peeps. marshmallows.#where was i going with this? oh yeah. trying to max out the limit for tags. dang i almost typed a comma there. i haven't done that since#i think the third or fourth tag. dang that feels like such a long time ago. not for you guys probably. it feels longer because i have to li#type it all out and stuff. so it's definitely gonna feel longer for me. are you still here? good lord don't you have better things to#be doing than reading all of this? we're already on tag number 18. it feels like i should be on the thirtyeth by now. or however it's spell#'toast' you might be wondering 'why are you typing out the names of the numbers instead of say '9' or '5'?' well you see. young one.#this is a strategy i'm using to make each tag slightly longer. even if i don't know how to spell it. it'll make it just a little bit longer#anyway. i got off topic. not that there was ever a topic to begin with. unless it's about making this as long as i can.#which i am apparently good at doing. i guess. are you STILL here? do you seriously have nothing to do? i guess i'm flattered you stayed thi#whole time. instead of reading something else you stayed here. with me. listening to me talk. on the twenty-third tag. oh yeah its tag 23#except now it's tag twenty-four. how crazy is that. this little talk is almost over. only 6 tags away if memory serves right. this's strang#i kind of don't want this to end. but i know it should. after all there is a limit. but all things must come to and end at some point i gue#i'm running out of things to say. it's probably a good thing it's almost over. hahahahah............... but i don't want to go. i don't wan#to leave this post. i've worked so hard on it. and for what. just for it to end. are you still here? yes? good. i'd hate to end this alone.#thank you for indulging me and my craziness. the end is only 2 tags away now. you can go ahead and leave. i'll be okay on my own. really...#...you're still here? i- i don't know what to say. i suppose a toast is in order. perhaps. for this journey. this stupid dumb post i though#would be fun. i'll make it short. it's the last tag after all. this was fun. but i will never do it again. so long as a i live. i'll miss y
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speakergame · 1 year
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How do you feel about people headcanon-erasing the part in the beginning that describes you having your father's hair and your mother's skin? as a biracial person who is specifically black, I found it difficult to match the disparate hair/skin colors, even when I tried to race-swap my own parents (I like a self-insert baseline for my first MC) I'm not far in, though, so I understand it could be important, and I'd hate to be disrespectful in any case!
you are welcome to headcanon whatever you'd like, my dear 💙
genetics are a tricky thing. some people heavily favor one parent over the other, some end up looking like an even mix of the two, and some end up with traits from neither parent (my sister and I both have blue eyes, for example, despite having no blue-eyed relatives for a few generations back on either side). it can be hard to implement in a medium like interactive fiction
from a coding perspective, A) I wanted Speaker and Seer to mirror each other, and B) I wanted to make it so their parents weren't just some amorphous unseen entity. their presence is still felt in the story, even while they're not there
Mom and Dad will be showing up in later books, and I wanted the twins to have some visible connection to both parents while also having something unique to the two of them. it made since for their eyes to be the thing that was different, considering the role that visions play and the way Speaker and Seer have an approach to them unlike anyone else in their family.
so it may be a little jarring for you in book 2 or 3 when Mom and Dad show up and their appearance differs from the way you've been imagining them, but there's nothing saying you can't ignore those descriptor words entirely and see them the way you want to 😁
I love headcanons and encourage them*. I'm just building the sandbox, you get to decide how you play in it
*as long as no one is using headcanons to erase a character's identity
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jianghushenanigans · 2 months
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Its... its my immortal except Nirvana in Fire. Thats it thats the fic.
*
I suddenly remembered this exists and was crying laughing about it and have decided to inflict its existence on tumblr you’re all so very welcome
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lieutenantselnia · 2 months
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I NEED to make a Davy x Selena fankid so badly😩🥺💕
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jennablackmorebooks · 5 months
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Thinking again about adapting a couple of my characters from ~2012 and I've got the perfect names for adapting them but... they didn't really... do anything? in the stories they were in. So how do I make a story with them. They had jobs and names and cute-coloured uniforms. That's just about it. And yet!
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I spent two months trying to find a shiny Tangela and then found two in a single outbreak! Twin girls who share not a single brain cell between them 💖
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flysafepapi · 2 years
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siren song 2/?
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Fandom: Peaky Blinders
Summary: He remembers the scent of her perfume, something that smelled strongly of rose, as she carefully closed the small window in the bedroom and crossed herself, whispering words under her breath that were too soft and quick for him to hear. His mother had turned and smiled at him, and even at that age he could see that she was trying to hide something behind it. Her voice had been shaky, whether with fear or anger he still doesn’t know, when she told him that he was going to be safe. The thought of asking what he was safe from hadn’t occurred to him at the time but he thinks he knows, now.
Tagging: @the-makingsofgreatness @zablife @lyarr24​ (just let me know if you want to be added on or taken off)
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With the night comes the familiar nightmares, and the feeling of wrongness that he can’t shake no matter what he does. It makes him think of the way his mother would sit at his bedside until he fell asleep, watching over him like a guardian. There’s a kind of itch beneath his skin, like there are eyes on him that he can’t see, and Tommy can’t help looking over his shoulder as he walks down the dark lane, scanning the shadows and alleys for any sign of life. When none comes, he turns around and continues on his way, fingers curling around the gun concealed in the inner pocket of his jacket. Something feels off, not enough to be immediately noticeable, but just enough that there’s a spark of unease deep in his mind. The relief that floods through him when he steps inside the doors to the Garrison is sharp, and he breathes a quick sigh, feeling like he’s dodged what might have been certain death.
There’s something deeply familiar about the man standing behind the bar, talking to Harry softly, but Tommy can’t place where he’s seen the man before. Both of them look up when he enters and while Harry nods quickly at him and turns away, the man watches Tommy openly for the few moments it takes for Tommy to disappear into the snug, not bothering to hide it when Tommy looks directly at him.
“Your usual, Mr Shelby. Harry was busy with other customers, so I’ve been told to give you this.”
For a moment, just a second, it looks like the man’s eyes are black, even under the warm golden light from the ceilings, but when Tommy looks back up after glancing at the bottle of whiskey held in a surprisingly delicate looking hand, the eyes he sees looking back at him are brown. Dark, but nowhere near dark enough to be considered black by any stretch of the imagination. The man, who’s name Tommy realises he doesn’t know, doesn’t show any sort of expression on his face, but he still gets the impression he’s being laughed at somehow. 
“Who might you be?”
“Why do you want to know?”
“I like to know anyone who’s got the ability to poison my drinks.”
He does laugh, then, just for a few seconds. 
“I bet you do,” he winks, “Enjoy your drink, Mr Shelby.” The window closes and Tommy stares at the textured glass, watching the silhouette of the man stand on the other side for a few long moments before he turns and walks away. He looks down at the bottle, eyeing it warily, and he’s still looking at it when the door slams open and John and Arthur tumble through, already well into their cups by the sound of them.
“Everything alright, Tommy? Look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
John reaches out and snatches the bottle up before Tommy can stop him, cracking the top and pouring a very generous shot into three dusty glasses. “Gotta hurry if you’re going to catch up, Tom, we’ve been here for two hours already.”
“I can see that. Have you seen the new barman?”
“Sure, talked to him a few times. Name’s Tobias,” Arthur says, slurs really, “Seems like a nice enough sort. Why, did he say something?”
“Forget about it, Arthur.”
Tommy changes the subject, turning the conversation towards tomorrow’s bets, and it does the trick: John and Arthur start arguing with each other, nudging him to get his thoughts on what the results of the races might be, and he lets himself be pulled into the conversation, pushing away the strange events of the night forcefully. The hours pass by without him noticing, and it feels like it’s only been an hour or two before Arthur stands up with a groan.
“Quitting time for me, boys, I’m getting too old for this. Off to find a bed, might find a woman on my way.”
“Fuck off, Arthur, you’ll stumble home and fall asleep in the kitchen, we all know it.”
Arthur leaves, grumbling under his breath about how he’s perfectly fine finding a woman for the night, thank you very much. John follows not long after, and before he leaves he makes Tommy promise not to stay out for too long, citing the nightmares that he doesn’t like to talk about but that everyone is aware of anyway. He thinks about snapping that he can take care of himself but bites it back. They mean well, really. 
“Have a nice night, Mr Shelby,” Tobias calls, and Tommy’s struck by the feeling that he’s being laughed at again, though Tobias’ voice is even and utterly lacking in any inflection of any kind. There’s an accent there, but it’s so slight that Tommy can’t figure out where it might be from, and in any case he’s far too drunk to try and figure it out. “Be careful getting home, you don’t know what sorts of people are around. Danger’s everywhere, after all.” 
“Is it?”
“Oh, absolutely. Sometimes it’s so close that you don’t even notice, even when you’ve seen it before.”
“Have I?”
“Have you what?”
“Seen you before?”
“Who said we were talking about me? I’m talking about how no one can see the future.”
Tobias winks at him again, and Tommy is struck by two realisations at once: That this man, who either doesn’t know better or doesn’t care about what he’s heard of their reputation, is flirting with him, and that his coat is missing. The second realisation feels insignificant compared to the first, but he’s sure that he was wearing it when he arrived. 
“Everything alright?”
“Yes, I was just- Never mind. Tell Harry I’ll be around later to discuss the sale.”
“Of course, Mr Shelby. Take care on your way.”
~~~
“I heard you up all hours of the night again after you got back. Just the drink, or was it the nightmares again?”
“Hm?”
He doesn’t know what time it is. There’s a pounding in his head that feels like it throbs harshly with every single sound, and just the noise of Ada’s voice is enough to send a spike of pain through his head. 
“What were you doing?”
“I wasn’t doing anything.”
“Did you drink so much that you don’t remember anything? You walked around your room for a while, then I heard you opening every door in the house, including mine, like you were checking on us or something. Or you were looking for something, which is more likely.”
Arthur nods in agreement, halfway through his third piece of toast, and gestures to the door leading off the kitchen to the fenced in area at the back, devoid of all but the most stubborn grass, where the clothes were washed and hung if the weather was nice enough. “Saw you sitting out there for a while, must have been at least four hours. I was awake for the first hour, waiting for you to come back in, but fell asleep and figured you’d be alright, you had your coat on at least. It was that song you kept humming that made me tired again. You know, that one mum used to sing to us?”
“I heard that too. You don’t remember any of this?” 
Tommy looks between them, looking for any hint that this is a joke they’ve planned between them, but there’s nothing in their faces but concern and worry. 
“It got a bit creepy, honestly, listening to the song repeated over and over. And you shouldn’t sit outside in the middle of the night, you’ll catch your death if you keep doing that.”
“Maybe we should go see a doctor, just to be safe. If you don’t remember then-”
“No, I’m fine. I remember now. It just took me a minute, I’m still mostly asleep.”
Neither of them call him out on the obvious lie, but he sees the look they give each other because they’re not subtle about it at all. He lets them think what they like, nothing he says will change their minds from whatever they think is happening right now.
Because, well, he hadn’t come home last night at all, and he definitely hadn’t been wearing his coat.
~~~
“I want this in writing. Just for insurance.”
“I’m offended, Arthur. Don’t you trust me?”
Arthur, hilariously, glared at him for a second, and it really was too satisfying to watch it morph into a look of fear when Tobias closed his hand around the other man’s throat, drawing him in close.
“It’s time for me to speak, and you to listen. Your debts are forgiven, we already made that deal. You can take it, and your children’s lives are mine as agreed, or I can kill you now and they’re still mine. That’s the deal. Make a choice.”
He doesn’t need to ask, he already knows the answer. A part of him, the part that still remembers his family and his life before this, what it felt like to walk in the sun, feels disgust at the thought of someone handing over their family so easily. The rest of him doesn’t feel anything but a strange, morbid excitement.
“I’ll take the deal.”
Tobias lets him go, lowering him until his feet are touching the floor again, and holds out his hand. It’s more of a formality at this point, but he’s nothing if not a business man, and he holds to his agreements.
“I thought you might. People like you always do.”
“What will you do with them?”
For a long moment, Tobias doesn’t answer, and pauses at the doorway. The sentimental part of him urges him to say he won’t do anything, but the other half wins out, as it always does.
“Whatever I want.”
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#i am just. so emotionally exhausted about this friend group implosion and i haven't even talked to the person who it all started with#those of us who are sticking together were talking about it and how our formerly mutual friend used to handle certain topics yesterday#and then today that whole thing with the fic theft (I think i've mentioned that here before but whatever) was still tickling my brain#as it has literally every day since it happened#I was like 'yo fam can i rant about something else that [name] did that i'm upset about but can't talk to them about'#and they're all like fuck yeah spill it#so i explained what happened with that fic#AND THEY ALL CHIMED IN THAT HE DID IT TO THEM TOO#they all had very similar experiences with him that eventually led to not sharing new fics with him#or even talking about characters with him cause he thought he knew better for the characters#even though us writers found the subject matter to be cathartic; like hurt/comfort or angst- that sort of stuff#but he'd be like 'oh that's so dark i'm adopting this character and i'll give them a better life'#he actually said that to one of my friends#and yeah he rewrote one of my fics and then posted it on ao3 without asking me#so now i'm even more upset about this#he hasn't talked to me about this whole situation yet and i don't really want to be the one to bring it up first#i dread the day he decides to talk to me#but for now i'm just. not talking in his discord server#those of us that sided with the guy he blocked and publicly declared they weren't friends anymore have started a new server#and it feels much more chill. i never really realized how much it felt like walking on eggshells around him trying not to upset him#hell i didn't even know to what degree of atheism many of the other server members had been until we got out of there#another person is even in the same boat as me where we were both raised christian but dumped that when we figured out we were queer#and yet this former friend is self described as queer and all but still works for a christian organization who is very vocally anti-lgbt#he never wanted to talk about where he worked and now i know why 🙄#and then he would post religious guilt tripping stuff too and that was extremely triggering#that was over a year ago but it still bothers me#whatever. washing my hands of him; don't want to talk to him again if i can get away with it#at least i don't live in the same country as him; let alone the same town like some of the others who've unfriended him#i'm glad others understand how i feel about what he did with my fic but it sucks that he did it to so many people#kee speaks
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whumptimebaby · 2 years
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I finished the Robaire fic, but at what cost 😔✊
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fruitgoat · 2 years
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“Leave now.”  The man actually rolled his eyes at the woman.  That’s when I lost it.  “You need to get the fuck out of my fucking house right the fuck now.”  Yes, it was an abundance of fucks, but they were they only ones I had at the moment.
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sirzeldrizz · 3 months
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"I love you but I can't say those words":
I would drown even the stars for you.
When I look at you, I just think about how much things have changed since we first met.. my how time flies..
don't you think looking at me like that will give me the wrong impression?
oh, by the way, don't be late for dinner.
I don't think I would have rather done this with anyone else..
did you ever think we'd grow so close?
how many times have I had to nurse you back to health now?
maybe you should sit this one out, I've got it for now
why haven't you told me this before?
Please don't do anything reckless
Will you sit with me?
When was the last time you ate??
Anything that you have to say to me, you can say infront of [B]
I know you're not feeling the greatest, that's why I brought you [insert thing]
you just love to give me hell, don't you?
You're important to me.
I don't wanna lose you / I can't bare to lose you
do you need some help with that? allow me
Hidden Confessions:
I don't think you understand just how much you really mean to me.
I know how you are, and that's why I've decided that you won't do this alone.
You can't get rid of me that easily (after an argument)
don't think so low of my loyalty to you for I would burn the heavens if it mean saving the stars in your eyes.
you've always been the one person who I could never stay mad at
I cherish the memories we make together
I will never let anything or anyone hurt you
you won't take them away from me
don't you dare lay a finger on them!
if you so much as make a move on them I will kill you where you stand, you hear me?
so precious, our time together
I love whatever this is between us.
do you ever think about where we'll be in 10 years?
careful now, you just might make me blush talking like that
Sappy Sentences:
I don't think the heavens or the hells below could fathom the level of love we share.
If there were a way to bottle your love, I'd get drunk on it every day
Sometimes all I really want is to lay like this, with you in my arms forever.
For us eternity doesn't mean for the rest of time. Eternity is just for the rest of our lives together.
I don't remember giving you my heart, but I know it's safe in your hands.
Watching you get hurt is like a blade through the heart, I can't take it.
Even if I had six hearts, they'd all beat for you.
I can't blame those who stare at you, I get lost in your beauty myself.
I'd worship you as my supreme deity, bathe me in your grace
I'd do anything in the world for you. Just you name it.
Come lay with me, I want to heart your heartbeat.
Everytime I'm with you, I can't help but feel at peace with the world.
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sylviareviar · 1 year
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Make a Blinkie for your Character(s)!
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Tagged by: @the-flower-karasu
Tagging: steal from me <3
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prettycottagequeer · 2 months
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ok maybe I'm a little late to this BUT I'm gonna do a to-do list motivation thingy because I've had the worst two weeks since I started college :)
SO these I should start on asap:
50 I make the snack I really want but I haven't had the motivation to make
100 I clean my dorm. another thing I've been meaning to do for a week
150 I do the presentation about mid-victorian fashion I've been putting off (due Monday)
200 I start memorizing the monologue that was due a week ago (now due Tuesday)
these can wait longer:
300 I spend time outside. It's so nice but I'm getting stuck scrolling because I feel like shit. vicious cycle ect
500 I start setting a better weekend routine (aka getting up before noon)
1k I start working out again. I was doing a routine to get more masc and build muscle and I liked it but life hit me like Crowley driving the Bentley and I've missed like 3 weeks
2k I buy my first binder. I've been coping with sports bras for almost a year now and I haven't been able to justify spending $50+ on a binder even though I know I'd love it and use it everyday.
Do I tag people? I don't know but I'm going to. @the-globe-theatre-maggot @weirdly-specific-but-ok @howmanyholesinswisscheese
here's just some context if you want to read, feel free to skip. some of this I've talked about in the maggot server, some I haven't, but I really just need a place for this to go that's out of my head. tw homophobia, transphobia, car crash(??)
How I Have Been Run Over By The Bentley Going 90 In Central London What Feels Like 50 Times In The Last Two Weeks
I'm going to college about 4 hours away from my parents, and it's been really nice. They.. suck, to say the least. transphobic/homophobic ect, super traditional conservative catholic, racist, all of it. so i tried to move somewhere where I wouldn't have to think about them and I could be myself and do what I can to be happy. March 1st was the start of my spring break, which meant going home because the dorms close. I was already not excited, but I was prepared. the problem with being away from home is I forget just how bad they are. My optimism gets the better of me and I think maybe this time they'll be better. so I decided to not hide my septum piercing.
that was a mistake. it starts a whole fight where they say we know you're trans, you're actually a girl and you always will be, we have the bones argument, they think I'm being influenced by demons or something (if only they knew about crowley) because I want to change my name, and they tell me that going on t will completely ruin my body and give me cancer and other things. They're also mad about my dyed hair, septum, and general style, and say I'm setting a terrible example for my (5) younger siblings and make it a point to tell me just how much of a disappointment I am. I think I'm pretty cute and fun but y'know, whatever. very fun time. I lie so much, don't give them any more details about my identity, and say I'm not planning to go on t to save my ass. which is all on instinct which makes me feel worse because if I'm really trans I should be able to stand up for that, right? maybe I'm faking the dysphoria.
the next morning I wake up really sick, and spend the rest of the week sick and feeling like shit because I'm home and back in the same place and situation I was a year ago that I thought I escaped. at one point I pretty much lose my voice but also kind of get gender euphoria from it. it's weird.
On Friday it's time for me to drive back 4 hours to school, and I make it about 3/4 of the way when google maps takes me on a random gravel road and I crash my car, really crash my car, like sideways-in-a-ditch-windows-broken-crawling-up-out-the-door crash it in the middle of nowhere. (I was fully paying attention to the road, it was raining and super slick) I call my parents because I have no one else to call and I sit in a Subway for 3 hours while they drive to get my car. when they get there they're (understandably) really mad, and they tell me that I'm not mature enough to be going to school so far away and I need to get my shit together and stop depending on them. which. is probably true. but made me feel even more stupid about the fact that I crashed my car. I get back to school and I'm still Very Sick with no energy or motivation to do anything. So I've spent the last week trying to get better and honestly to do anything. it hasn't really worked. I'm a lot better health-wise (Not emotionally), still sick but I have a lot of work due, so I really need a push to get started
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