#i liked some of the queer content and jokes

[lovedaisy02]

Honestly from the trailer I thought Dumplin was going to be bad but it's actually pretty good, I really liked it a lot. It touched me a bit too.

#the characters were outrageously funny #dumplin netflix #dumplin #we respect Dolly Parton in this house #i liked some of the queer content and jokes #gender humor

[watchmakermori]

cannot emphasise enough that some of u need to put the term ‘queerbaiting’ back on the shelf until you know what it means. i saw someone in a youtube comment yesterday accusing genshin streamer zy0x of queerbaiting because he *checks notes* jokes and talks about finding men attractive. this comment had a lot of upvotes. like please do explain to me how a Real Human Being joking about wanting an anime husband is bad or harmful to the queer community in any way. some of you think queerbaiting means ‘this person acts queer sometimes but i can’t tell if they mean it or not and that annoys me’ and it really shows

#miscellaneous #it's baffling to me #he's just a dude vibing??? it's not like he's known as some Big Queer Content Creator or whatever the fuck. he's just a guy #it's fucked up thinking because like. a lot of people who aren't out or who aren't SURE about their sexuality will joke like this #making people confirm or prove their sexuality so they're allowed to behave in certain ways is fucked up #especially when a lot of queer ppl start out thinking they're straight #reeks of biphobia too #on an unrelated note i doubt zyox is completely straight anyway lmao #the dude talks about 'bi meta' and literally never shuts up about attractive men and women in genshin #his sexuality is his business. but the fact ppl think he's queerbaiting rather than just like...expressing himself and having fun #wild shit

[pastadoughie]

many people were confused about some of my previous posts, so for the sake of clarity i am condensing everything! tumblr has extremely transphobic moderation practices, often flagging completely innocent posts as explicit, solely for containing trans women in them or mentioning transgenderism. while letting untagged porn in sfw tags (ive literally seen porn tagged as "sfw agere") and blatent hatespeech, especially twards trans people (just look at the "gender critical" tag) go completely unchecked recently the CEO of tumblr had a big public hissyfit about people (rightfully) calling him transmysogenistic, going into random trans womens dms to harrass them, and saying that predstrogen saying she "hopes he explodes with hammers and then explodes again and hammers fly everywhere" is a death threat and saying he is calling the FBI on her (repeatedly misgendering her and calling her "it") and many bloggers, apon speaking out about it or even making harmless jokes (one trans woman posted a picture of a car and a hammer with the caption "reblog to scare matt" and got nuked for it) and many are very very angry (rightfully) about this whole affair and tumblr in general. if you would like to look into it i reccomend scrolling the "predstrogen" tag as she is the case most people are talking about at the moment. So, what can we do? this is clearly an ongoing issue, and, dispite having lost a lawsuit about their transphobic moderation in the past (see : https://www.documentcloud.org/documents/21274288-tumblr-nycchr-settlement) its clearly not gonna stop with just user complaints, as staff members are perfectly content to just go scorched earth on users who even so much as lightly poke fun at them well if you want to help you should contact the human rights commision (i will give clear details further down) ! you dont have to be in the US, nor be an adult to file, and it only takes a few minutes. this is the best and most effective method to fix this, because it hits tumblr where it hurts. human rights acencies have a lot of legal and financial power and tumblr CAN NOT just ignore them, and given that this will be the seccond time this is happening, the commisions shouldnt be playing nice anymore eaither. its really important that AS MANY PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE FILE, and with different examples! while maybe your case might not be enough to prop up a lawsuit on its own, we need to prove a general trend. so every little bit counts! to respond to another question abt this ive gotten, as for what exactly to report, you should a) write about an act of discrimination youve recieved on tumblr that was eaither administered by a staff member OR that staff refused to give adequate moderation action in for example : a terf posted some blatent hatespeech targeted twards you, and you reported them, and staff looked at the issue and refused to persecute it. example 2 : you were unfairly flagged, deleted, or otherwise punished by a staff member and you are queer ( AND the post they banned you for has some kind of tie to your gender, ex : a sfw transition progress photo ) OR b) if you have not personally recieved something like that, please look for other peoples stories (THEY SHOULDNT BE HARD TO FIND, within the last couple of hours trans people have been being banned LEFT AND RIGHT for trying to speak on this. i would reccomend checking some of the tags related to what happened with predstrogen) and you should describe that incident as best as possible (be sure to disclose that you are speaking for someone else, ideally you should tell the story of someone you know, if possible.) you can also mention any reports you have made twards people posting blatent hatespeech that, opon reveiwing tumblr refused to prosecute dispite it being very obviously against terms of service. just so nobody gets confused about the filing process, im laying it out in more plain languadge!!

first you should email the SF HRC (san francisco human rights commision), at [email protected] and say something along these lines :

Hello, I am [full name] from [country or state] and I am filing a complaint against Tumblr, witch is owned by the parent company Automattic Inc. located at 60 29th St, San Francisco, CA 94110.

Tumblr has had previous issues with the NYC DHR for their moderation being unfairly biased against trans women (see : https://www.documentcloud.org/documents/21274288-tumblr-nycchr-settlement).

Despite a legally binding agreement with the NYC DHR, staff members still regularly harrass users based on their gender or sexual orientations. For example : on [date of most recent infraction] [describe incident] (if you are describing an incident that did not happen to you specifically, say something like) This incident involves the user [username] who I am not affiliated with (or/) who I am filing on behalf of.

I can be reached for further inquiries about this incident at [email you want to talk over] or [phone number you want to talk over]. (if you would like to be anonymous) However, In the event of legal prosecution against Automattic I would refer to be kept anonymous, where possible, in court proceedings. alternatively, you can also call the SF HRC at : 415-252-2500, you can use the above text as a starting point for this as well, next you want to fill out the form for the NYC DHR (new york city department of human rights) here : https://www.nyc.gov/site/cchr/about/report-discrimination.page for company you wanna put : Automattic and/or Tumblr for address you wanna put : 770 Broadway, New York, NY 10003 for phone number you wanna put : [phone] and for category of discrimination you can put : Discriminatory harassment and basis of discrimination you can put : Gender; Gender identity you can then use a similar script on the written section of the form. when describing a specific incident, you should attach as many screenshots and links as possible! (for links, include both a live link and an archival link, so take a capture with the internet archive and have that as an alternative, incase a staff member gets petty.) this should only take a few minutes at most, and it helps alot! you can fill this out if you are a minor, and you dont have to be a us resident, please please take the time!!! and, just to clarify because there are many posts going around that are confused about this tumblr moved offices to san francisco recently, so their main HQ is at : 60 29th St, San Francisco, CA 94110 they DO still have an office in new york city, and thats where their PREVIOUS HQ was, the address is : 770 Broadway, New York, NY 10003

#art #my art #mspaint #rowens liddol guys #mspaint animations #the beast speaks #important shit #transgender #trans #predstrogen

[boytoyhalo]

actually i have thoughts about qfit coming out and the fucking courage that had to have taken him as someone who spent the past 10 years of his life on 2b2t

Idk how much people who have never played on 2b2t actually know about the culture and environment there but because it has no rules, theres a shit ton of casual (and not so casual) bigotry of all sorts. Im 100% sure fit has to cut a TON of shit out of his videos, because the first and only time I ever logged onto it it was less than 10 seconds before i saw a wall of bedrock swastikas and slurs being thrown around in the chat. and anti-gay slurs in particular are a big part of the common terminology there, at least according to the wiki and a few of my friends who used to frequent it. Actually, the reason I never watched fit before the QSMP despite being aware of and interested in his content is because I made a point to stay away from anything 2b2t related for my own mental health - the hate speech there is so notorious that I had been warned to do so, and that was reaffirmed the one time I tried to play on it

Basically, that server is a fucking nightmare to be gay on just in terms of the real life community - in-universe, i imagine that would be reflected tenfold. So for Fit to have spent so long surrounded by that kind of attitude towards gay people, presumably closeted and possibly not even aware of his own queerness... it makes sense that he's been as hesitant as he has been to verbalize his feelings for pac. He can do it just fine when it's played as a joke with Phil or Forever or whoever else, but to find yourself entering into a real queer relationship after spending so long surrounded by violent (and most likely deadly) anti-queerness is fucking SCARY. Even without factoring in the general trust issues that spending that long on an anarchy server gave him, there's no way he didn't internalize at least some of that attitude.

So the fact that after these 7 (8??? is it 8 now i cant be bothered to count) months on Quesadilla island, surrounded by queer people in queer relationships being treated completely normally and supported he feels safe enough to (kind of) come out as gay to his son.... idk I'm just feeling super soft over it rn. Obviously it's Ramon, it's his son, who's been talking about getting him a new husband, so he knows he's safe. But knowing that logically and FEELING that are two different things and it's huge for a man who's spent a third of his life on arguably the least queer friendly space in the entire minecraft community to be able to speak it out loud like that..... im so proud of my bald gay cubito guys

#qsmp #qsmp fitmc #q fitmc #q fit #fitpac

[simplydnp]

be honest with me. what are the chances of a hard launch in june

anon this question goes back years. and the thing is. we have been right once before.

you ask me this this time last year? fuck no. i might even quip that dapg would come back before dnp would hard launch. well. look at us now.

and even then, you look back on the content they started with in the revival--it honestly kind of felt exactly like where we left off, only a lot more explicitly queer (we stan). and then... trying to see without my glasses 2. and bang, spooky week happened. and that shifted the balance. we suddenly got slo-mo replays of handholds. day, after day, after day, finishing with the absolute masterpiece of halloween baking cinnamon rolls. in all honesty it was so much more than i'd've ever expected from them. truly another post-baking universe.

and it never really slowed down. suddenly we had cat prom photos, catboy butlers, catboy dan w/ phil photography credit, theyre 'wrestling' --running us full throttle into gamingmas, the first since 2017. and every day we had a new thing to freak out over: standing close. golf jokes. and then... pinof reacts. i don't know what compelled them to do it but i do have speculations. genuinely, i think they wanted to defang a lot of their history. we treated pinof 1, especially, with this... reverance. and it wasn't talked about too publicly--and dnp didnt do it either. so if they really wanted to move on, to bring down the walls, open the floodgates, define this new era: they had to throw the first stone. and they did. quite heartily too. suddenly this almost taboo part of their history--almost too intimate to be perceived--was on the table. and we were talking about it. joking about it. giving clear signals of 'we see it, it's okay.' and suddenly we existed in a post-pinof reacts world. of anything, i would've never predicted they would've done that. absolutely wild. follow that with it takes two being so chill and fond. incohearant being so blatant and heartfelt. trombone champ being unhinged and chaotic. the genuine and sweet complimenting of each other in the red carpet video. devan wedding... happilyphoreverafter... we crashed forward in time. never knowing what would be next. where is the line? how far will they go.

they teased us with japhan honeymoon and we knew 2024 would be wild. but we didn't know how much. from wdapteo 2023, to specific reminiscing about japan w/ devan, WAD happening, and phil playing a huge role in it all--from the orange carpet hosting, to 'ive been in *sex noises* with phil from the start!', to 'remote crisis manager phil lester', to dan saying he can stay during the thank you.

one of the biggest videos so far this year was the tiktok likes one. i will be forever haunted by the dog eating cheeseburger and willy wonka tiktoks--theres some things i was never meant to know. and yet. they tell us. explicitly.

every single video on amazingphil since the return of dapg has mentioned or featured dan. there's been a palpable shift in the way they interact. have you seen the way phil has been glowing in videos lately? this guy is on cloud nine all the time. it's really not hard to see why.

the energy of keep or yeet w/ dan... the absolute Lack of pretense of it all. phan twitter... watch your step baby girl...

dan and phil fucking crafts. talk about an unexpected return. legacy defining, one might even say. we're still in this tailspin of what everything means and they drop this insanely iconic video on us. from the storytelling to the production to the aesthetic--and its all capped off by explicit handholding. yes, it was part of the sacrifice. but hand in hand, the heart dan ripped from phils chest in one, and the knife that did it in the other... oh boy. we're really in it now. and then they put it on fucking merch. genius. truly no one does it like them.

and the foot has been on the accelerator since. dan and phil connections, shuffleboard & mocktails, getting deep slumber party, acknowledgement & approval of fics (yes previously given but never like this)--hell, even the sims today was wild for 'is their love language horrible banter 👀'.

you didn't ask for an essay but i gave you one. all of this to say, they've been moving the line. quite intentionally so. they intentionally revived their joint branding. they are 'dan and phil' again, and seem happier than ever about it, and i think that means something. they're saying things they never would have before--out of the closet or not.

as for june... 5 years since coming out is a big deal. so is this year being 15 years of dnp. hell, so is this year for being the first out pride month where they're explicitly a duo and regularly making content together. they're sentimental, there will be something.

my craziest idea is reacting to their coming out videos ✌️😔 --but i don't think it'll actually happen. as for more realistic, i could see pride merch. and however that goes will be significant, in my opinion. i'm excited and curious.

i don't know if they'll hard launch. it's hard to put all of the implications, complications, and speculations back into the box once it's opened. dan's talked about it before--wanting to be able to fuck up and not be publically executed, instead, being able to learn and grow and work it out. i think that's a very understandable stance to have. very grounded. we'd have to ask him if tour/dapg has changed that now. i do think he's had some sort of life epiphany--whether it's about that specifically, only he can say. but i think it's there.

even if i portray a lot of level-headedness, i wear my clown nose with pride. sometimes the only option is to go with whatever is funniest at the time. they're both jokesters, so they could commit to a bit like that. but it's also like, it can be too serious for them to want to joke about. i don't know. i think we're in this almost beautiful state right now--the we know you know of it all. there's no expectations, no demands to be met, no obligations of types of content. they're happy. we're happy. it depends on if they feel ready. if they want to. we'll be here, always.

#that is to say. marraige hill is starting to get crowded boys. so if you could. do something about that. thatd be great #im sure there's things ive missed but basically it comes down to this: realistically? maybe. & thats a lot fucking closer than its ever been #theyre having fun. and that means im having fun #dnp #c.text #dan and phil #phan #<- for the fandometrics #answered

[buckleyreid]

I don’t wanna feed into the “bucktommy is purely sexual”, “bucktommy shippers are fetishizers” discourse so this will be the only thing I’ll say about that.

I think it’s incredibly interesting how there’s soooo many posts about bucktommy here on tumblr (and no doubt in other platforms too), there’s sweet wholesome posts, there’s analytical posts about their relationship, there’s headcanons, there’s fanarts and yes, there’s smutty fics too for example.

Yet, the people who are pointing fingers, calling others fetishizers, are the ones solely focused on the sexual content. Bucktommy fans aren’t the ones making their relationship all about sex, the call is coming from inside the house.

Unhinged buddies are the ones choosing to ignore the part of the scene where both characters open up about their rough family histories and, instead, are making it all about a very quick sex joke that was used to lighten the mood. And because they can’t stop at that, they then proceed to say two grown ass queer characters flirting with each other is gross, disturbing, and a reason one of them should get killed off. That’s the real disgusting thing.

This just in, gay people have sex. I know, shocking. They also talk about it, they make jokes about it. It’s almost as if it’s a normal thing- oh wait, it is. In bucktommy’s case, it’s far from being the only facet of their relationship, but it’s still there and it’s not deviant, it’s not disgusting and if it makes you so uncomfortable to think about then maybe that’s something to reflect on.

Touching grass is not enough, y’all need to roll on it like a dog excited to go on a walk. And maybe retake some reading comprehension classes too. Dead serious, grow up.

#this is probably very incoherent but it’s mostly a vent post #again this is the last negative thing that comes from me #there’s too much positivity in this side of the fandom to dwell on the crazies #fandom discourse #evan buckley #bucktommy #tommy kinard #911 abc

[fuctacles]

A tale as old as time

For @subeddieweek Day 7 | M | 2696 | cw: age gap (about 25-30y difference, Eddie's age is not stated, Steve's aligns with canon) | camboy Eddie, transmasc Eddie, kinda sugar daddy Steve?, modern AU, simp Steve, virgin Eddie, chatfic, pre-anything, gray ace Eddie | Ao3

"Hawkins High '86? How old is this guy?" Eddie asks himself, his eyebrows raised. There is a letterman in front of him, a gift from one of his top subscribers. Hell, his top subscriber. His number-one fan, who was responsible for about half of his revenue.

He's opened a PO box recently, with no little amount of worry about what kind of stuff he might get. He only gave the address to his top subscribers but he knew that the ones with the most money were usually the most unhinged. He went to the post office with his heart in his throat but all he got was a set of lingerie, a toy, and the letterman he was now holding.

He tried not to think about what kind of people would pay for his content. As long as he was making money he didn't care. But now he got a piece of one of them in his hands. Staring back.

1986.

Meaning the guy must be nearing 60. Double Eddie's age. 

He tries to imagine that. An older guy, with wrinkles, maybe a beer belly, a gross old t-shirt, and his hand permanently in his sweats, beating it to his photos. 

It was gross. And in a way, alluring.

Though someone with so much money to spend on a camboy must have a well-paying job. Some rich asshole, exploiting others to do the work for him. That's a more likely scenario. He tries not to think about big, rough hands on him when he puts on the jacket and takes pics for Shar.

He edits them a bit before sending them, knowing the guy will get a kick from seeing him in his jacket. The appeal of wearing your boyfriend's letterman eluded him in high school, but being claimed like that gave him a heady feeling. The fact that the guy could be his father apparently worked for him too. 

He doesn't put his phone away fast enough and sees the message that pops up.

Shar: So hot. You look like every repressed teen jock's dream

Shar: Definitely like mine

Eddie thinks a moment about his response, channeling the persona he takes on for the camera. 

PuppetOfMasters: Would I be your dirty secret?

PuppetOfMasters: Would you fuck me in the locker room behind your girlfriend's back?

Shar: I'd make YOU my girlfriend

Shar: Wait no

Shar: NOT LIKE THAT

Shar: A girlfriend but in a manly way

Eddie snorts.

You're good, he types. I know what you mean, don't worry.

He wouldn't keep around someone who didn't respect him. Besides, he made it clear he's saving for a transition with his Only Fans.

Thank god, Shar types. I respect who you are 

Shar: In fact, I spend so much money on you because of it. 

Eddie rolls onto his other side, his mood souring. One of those trans fetishists, then. That's fine, as long as he's being respectful and paying... Even if it leaves an unpleasant taste in his mouth. 

Ah, a connoisseur! Well, I hope I'm your favorite tranny, then, he jokes. He waits for an answer, but it doesn't come for a long while, so he flips his phone screen down and turns away, hoping for sleep.

A response is waiting for him when he wakes up. 

Shar: I guess it sounded that way, but I'm not that kind of pervert. You're the only trans sex worker I follow, but not the only trans person I've sent money to.

Eddie sauntered to the bathroom, not taking his eyes off his phone. He wonders if continuing the conversation is even the right move. He's talked to one too many guys who thought sending him a dick pick was okay after ten minutes of small talk between a content creator and a fan.

But he's kind of curious. When he has money to spare, he sends some change to other trans folks to help out, because he knows how hard it is from his own experience. But why Shar, a seemingly loaded old guy, would spend his money on queers instead of, let's say, starving children?

PuppetOfMasters: So you're just an ally with cash? Or is there more to it? I'm curious.

He goes through his morning routine, washing his face, and brushing his teeth, not expecting Shar to get back to him any time soon. So he's surprised when he picks his phone back up and a response is waiting.

Shar: Long story short, I hope my father is rolling in his grave while I spend his inheritance on people he hated so much.

That's not what Eddie expected at all. 

PuppetOfMasters: So I'm a means of rebellion against your bigoted dead father? I'll take that. I hate rich assholes

Shar: Me too

They don't talk for the whole day after that, but when Eddie's done running errands and editing in the evening, he looks back at the letterman hanging on the door of his wardrobe. 

How is sending me your letterman an act of rebellion? he asks. Because he's a curious little shit. 

The response comes fast like the guy is glued to his Only Fans chat. Gross. Eddie wonders briefly if he's talking with other sex workers there.

Shar: A souvenir of his precious high school fetishized on a queer ssex worker? He'd die if he hadn't already

So it is a fetish thing! Eddie smiles triumphantly at his phone.

Shar: Okay, fine

Shar: Sticking it to my father is just a bonus for you being really hot. 

Shar: And I do love seeing you in my letterman, I've jerked off to it three times already

Shar: is that what you wanted to hear?

Eddie grins, rolling on his bed.

PuppetOfMasters: Yes 

Shar: So yeah, I'm an old man who peaked in high school, laugh it up

PuppetOfMasters: I'd rather you peaked in me

Shar: Insufferable

Shar: Menace

Shar: Yeah, I'd love that. A man can dream, right?

Eddie bites his lip. How far is too far? The guy seems genuine and after the amount of creeps that's been chatting him up, he thinks his creep radar is quite good. Tentatively, he starts typing.

PuppetOfMasters: I don't know. I think people would like seeing me get railed by an older guy

Shar: An old guy, you mean

Shar: You'd make a video with me?

PuppetOfMasters: I record most of the sex I have, yes

Shar: Huh. I've never seen one before, then

PuppetOfMasters: warm, warmer

Shar: ... There aren't any?

PuppetOfMasters: din ding ding! ya boy is a virgin

Shar: shit

Shar: fuck

Shar: that's so hot

Shar: you'd let me?

PuppetOfMasters: Would I let my best-paying subscriber be my first time on camera? Probably

Not necessarily to be released but he couldn't lose the possibility of such golden content in case it was watchable. 

Shar: I'd better keep my spot then. Just in case.

PuppetOfMasters: No worries, you seem the most trustworthy so far anyway.

But as he types it, a new notification appears. Shar sent him a hefty tip on one of his photos.

PuppetOfMasters: That's really not necessary

PuppetOfMasters: But I hope your father is kicking and screaming in his coffin

Shar: I fucking hope so

----

It takes Eddie another day to google Hawkins High's yearbook photos. He'd thought about it before but didn't want to break the bubble of anonymity between himself and his fan. But the thoughts of big hands on his hips, and beard rubbing against his neck, took root in his brain and were tainting his mind.

Not fully in tune with his body and distrustful of others, Eddie has been single for most of his life. And now his stupid horny brain was drooling at the thought of losing his virginity to a grandpa on the internet. 

Hoping it would help his thoughts calm down, he looks through the photos from the year 1986, in search of a Harrington. And he finds him.

Steve Harrington. Basketball captain and swim team co-captain. His hairdo was magnificent and his smile was self-confident. Eddie would hate him in high school. Should probably hate him now. So he expands his search further, beyond the Hawkins High memory lane.

He finds one single photo on a LinkedIn profile. 

The current Steve Harrington's hair is no less magnificent, just peppered with silver. He wears glasses now, which accentuate the line of his jaw and make his neatly trimmed facial hair pop out. He's wearing a yellow jacket and a white golf, which should be hideous but weirdly, works for him. Eddie doesn't get to see his eyes, unfortunately. The photo looks like a candid photo shoot take-out after someone told him a joke. His head is tilted down, eyes scrunched and lips pulled in a smile, as a bubbling laugh got immortalized on camera.

Eddie shouldn't be finding a sixty-year-old man this endearing. 

PuppetOfMasters: I like your LinkedIn photo

PuppetOfMasters: Well, I hope it's you. 

PuppetOfMasters: Steve, right?

He can't forget about this for the whole day, not as he budgets his income, and especially not when he records a short video jerking off in the shower. He tries not to look at his phone but it's his only one, so he does while trying to budget in a second one, just for sex work. Maybe then he wouldn't be feeling so insane about not getting a response from a stranger who is an old pervert spending loads of money on him. 

He tries to be normal when a chat notification finally pops up. 

Shar: If you saw the golf and yellow jacket photo, that's me

Shar: though please don't make me type my full name in here.

no worries, Eddie types back so fast he should be embarrassed. It's a good photo.

Shar: Thanks. My best friend took it 

PuppetOfMasters: Your friend has a good eye

Shar: I'll let her know

Shar: I'm surprised it took you this long to search me up

Eddie's surprised too. Usually, his curiosity would take over him sooner.

PuppetOfMasters: I tried not to pry. But I had to in case we were gonna meet up one day

Shar: So you were serious?

Shar: I've been wondering if you sweet-talk all your followers like that 

PuppetOfMasters: Only the ones that don't send me dick pics

Shar: I knew holding back would pay off

Eddie snorts at his phone. 

Though I might need one before we meet up, he types. Gotta know what I'm working with

Shar: Right. Of course

Shar: So how would that work?

Eddie hasn't thought about it this far.

PuppetOfMasters: I need to read about OF's policy on collabs. Never had to before, since I work solo. Would probably have to hire you, well, sign a commission/gig contract or something like that. So it's all legal and shit.

Shar, Steve, doesn't answer for a long while, and it might be the end of his devirginizing journey. Well, if the guy doesn't want to make this legal, put his name on some paperwork, then he isn't trustworthy, and that's the end of it.

It's half an hour later and Eddie's bitten all his nails off trying not to follow up with any messages and focus on anything else when an answer finally comes.

Shar: Sorry my friend was bothering me

Shar: this sounds more complicated than I anticipated. So I would be like, a co-creator, then?

PuppetOfMasters: Precisely

Shar: Holy shit okay

Shar: Thought I'd be you know, less involved

Though you could hit it and quit it, huh? Eddie scrunched his nose. What was he getting himself into? Gods.

Shar: If that's what you wanted I'd take it

Eddie shouldn't be blushing over this one. It's like he's throwing the man scraps and he's licking them up.

PuppetOfMasters: Simp

Shar: I am what I am

Shar: With that said, I'm willing to make it work. Do all the paperwork you need

PuppetOfMasters: Doing paperwork just to fuck me? so romantic

Shar: I suck at paperwork so my friend would be doing it anyway

Shar: If that's okay

PuppetOfMasters: I think it's best if someone looks it over, yeah

Eddie hesitates for a moment.

PuppetOfMasters: That friend doesn't happen to be your wife?

Fuck no, comes the immediate response

Shar: I'm perpetually single and she's as gay as they come. 

PuppetOfMasters: Good. Wouldn't want to be the other girl

Shar: If I had the chance you'd be the only one

PuppetOfMasters: Jesus.

Eddie squeezes his legs together unconsciously.

PuppetOfMasters: Stop sweet talking me, I've already agreed to fuck

Shar: But we haven't signed anything yet. Even then, I'll keep sweet-talking you. It's what you deserve. 

For the first time, Eddie thinks he might not survive their meeting. And not because of the possible killer scenario. Thankfully, Steve gets back to business talk.

Shar: How would this work, legal stuff aside? Do you script this?

PuppetOfMasters: Do I look like I script shit?

Shar: I'm not the one with Only Fans

PuppetOfMasters: Fair. I think we could just set up cameras and do whatever we feel like. Then decide together if the footage will be released or not. 

Shar: Sounds reasonable

Shar:When would you want to do this?

When?

Eddie hasn't thought that far. In fact, he felt like he hadn't been thinking for the past couple of days. 

I'm the sole god of my schedule so I'm open to anything, he types evasively.

Shar: I have some time off next month, could fly to wherever you need me

Next month seemed close. Extremely close. Or maybe it wasn't? He never worked with anyone before. Hell, he didn't even have that many friends to meet up with. 

Next month works I guess, he answers despite his nerves.

Shar: Wanna face time before we start the legal work?

His nerves escalate, making his mouth dry. He reminds himself he's done this before, he's on camera all the time. 

PuppetOfMasters: Like, right now?

Shar: Yeah?

PuppetOfMasters: Ok, give me five minutes.

Eddie shoots up, checks himself in the mirror, and finds a good angle for his phone to set up. He lowkey hopes Steve picks up with his dick in the frame so Eddie can block him with a clear conscience and forget about the whole thing. When six minutes from his last message pass, he hits 'call'.

"Hi," Eddie squeaks when the video connects. Steve Harrington's arms are in the frame, crossed on the desk, and toned where he's leaning on them.

"Hi," he greets him with a dazzling smile. 

It is the guy from the photo, so at least he's not being catfished. And he has none of the creepy simp energy Eddie feared. He's just... a guy. It's both a relief and a disappointment. 

"Well?" the guy asks.

"Well, what?" Eddie frowns. 

"Are you disappointed? Am I too old?"

Eddie looks at him properly. His hair is lighter on the sides, but not grey yet, and the video quality doesn't make any wrinkles stand out to him. Maybe some worry lines, crow's feet if he squints. He looks like he keeps in shape, too. Eddie wouldn't call him old. Mature, maybe. A DILF slowly transforming into a Silver Fox. 

"You look fine. Good. You look good. Attractive," Eddie fumbles with his words and barely stops himself from facepalming. This is why he mostly texts.

Steve smirks at him. And holy shit, a dude twice his age smirking at him shouldn't be doing things to his body.

"You sure? You're not gonna block me after we hang up, are you?"

Eddie shakes his head.

"I stand by our plans. You're passing my creep radar so far, but uh..." He scratches his cheek nervously. "I'd like to keep in touch in case, you know. A red flag pops up. I hope you get it."

Steve nods, his expression growing serious.

"Absolutely. We're strangers, after all."

"Yeah." Eddie nods, relieved. It would give him ample time and opportunities to back out.

On the screen, Steve leans more on his arms, closer to the camera. 

"So I think dick assessment is next on the checklist?"

Eddie might not even survive video calls with this guy, after all. 

#subeddieweek #sub eddie week #sub eddie munson #cj x subeddieweek #mine #steddie #cw: age gap #camboy au #modern au #transmasc eddie munson #this story got away from me as soon as it started #i just wanted to write some online domming but no #some mmmm older guy touching me???? kinda hot #b u t NO

[dnpbeats]

drop the dan loving goblin phil essay rn

(in reference to my tag on this post)

OKAY SO! In BIG dan says this about phil: "And this is when, through the magic of the internet, I met Phil. And obviously we were more than friends but it was more than just romantic. This is someone that genuinely liked me. I trusted them. And for the first time since I was a tiny child, I actually felt safe. [...] Especially to anyone that has experienced the kind of self-hatred that I have dealt with, one person accepting you can make all the difference" (ty @goldenpinof for the transcript 🕺). Now obviously, this is in the context of dan being gay so for the most part he's referencing his sexuality here when he talks about being accepted, and I am not trying to undermine that at all. But I think that phil's acceptance of dan went deeper than just his sexuality (goblin Phil comes into this I promise lol).

dan also talks a bit in BIG about how he was nerdy and was bullied for that before he was bullied for being gay. He's also mentioned other times how being nerdy/geeky didn't use to be accepted. In the 4/13 stereo show, dan says: "Before YouTube, if you were a nerd, you felt like you weren't a valid member of society unless you were, like, captain of the football team or whatever. [...] Now, thanks to social media, it's like 'oh, okay, well if someone like Hank Green can exist, I'm fine.'" What's extra interesting about this example specifically is that dan is talking about representation in response to a fan prompting him to talk about queer representation in media. So like, yes the majority of dan's struggles in accepting himself were surrounding his sexuality, but I do also think there was a layer of being a nerdy kid at a time when it wasn't cool or fun that added onto him not accepting himself. And I do not think that that's completely separate from his nonacceptance of his sexuality.

So, what exactly does this have to do with dan expecting phil to be super debonair and then having those expectations shattered? But then still wanting phil, arguably even more than he did before? Well, I think that phil was (and is) unapologetically himself, and that was inspiring for dan to see. dan said in BIG that he didn't meet an out gay person until he was 18, so either that person was phil himself or he met phil shortly afterwards and phil was therefore one of the first out gay people dan knew. and we know from phil's coming out video that he wasn't ashamed of his sexuality at that time. but phil's acceptance of himself goes beyond his sexuality, like just look at his YouTube content at the time. he was doing experimental stuff that was weird as shit (I don't mean that in a bad way I like his old vids!). most people probably would not have the confidence or self-assurance to make the stuff he was making, let alone post it. and then, beyond that, he was just a nerdy guy himself! but it was something that he openly talked about online and we know he and dan bonded over video games/tv shows/etc.

And now let's think about this from dan's perspective. He's been watching this guy's videos forever. He's been talking to him online for the past couple of months, and while he was talking with phil (rather than "amazingphil"), I'm sure there was still that element of like "wow holy shit I can't believe I'm talking with amazingphil!" Hence why dan says in the mean girls video that he was expecting phil to be all "hi, I'm amazingphil! 😏" when they first met (also side note, when dan starts to make this joke phil starts doing it at the same time, so I'm sure this is a discussion they've had before lol). but Phil wasn't like that!!! he was all hunched over and awkward and dorky! because he was nervous!! BUT he wasn't ashamed of that. he wasn't trying to put on some AmazingPhil™ Smooth Operator Refined front. He was just himself. Unapologetically so. And for dan, I think that that meant so much in terms of accepting himself, but also feeling accepted. because how was he going to believe phil when he said "dan I love you for who you are" if phil was hiding himself around dan?

So yeah, I think that's why dan saw goblin phil, not amazingphil, and was still like "yeah I want to build my life with this person." Because for him, phil represented self-acceptance and being accepted and a safe place and someone who he could be on the same wavelength with and true unconditional love and someone he can geek out with and someone who will let him yap for an hour about whatever the hell dan has decided to talk about that day. of course he would like phil more than whatever version of amazingphil he had built up in his head. because phil loves dan for who he truly is and dan loves phil for who he truly is :)

#when I said essay I meant it 🤡 #dan and phil #ask #spacedaisjes #dan howell #phil lester #d&p

[eyecantread]

In case James Somerton tries to release a second manipulative apology video, here's some stuff I haven't seen shared on Tumblr. In the initial wake of HBomberguy's video release on December 3, Somerton made the following post to Patreon that was quickly deleted:

Here he dismisses Plagiarism and You(tube) as "not bringing up anything new since the last time he was accused of plagiarism" and tries to pull the same victim card as before when he complained that a "big creator was unfairly targeting him." This is a rehash of previous controversies and criticisms he's received such as when he went after Nebula for "not wanting to platform him because he's queer (lol wut)" in 2022 and lashing out at Dan Olson on Twitter when Dan called him out for the Patreon shit in April 2023 (James begged his viewers to support him on Patreon because he claimed to be in dire financial straights and then bought a $5k+ camera). The man is very versed in DARVO.

The Ace Couple, a pair of Asexual podcasters (who you should totally listen to btw) detailed the Nebula debacle in a recent episode, as well as their own interaction with Somerton as financial backers of his film project who disagreed with the content of one of his videos. The issue? Aside from the shenanigans with Telos, the Indiegogo film studio the Ace Couple backed, Somerton had said in a video that asexual people don't get sent to conversion therapy, which is categorically not true. Naturally, he resorted to his tried and true tactic of accusing the Ace Couple of attacking him.

He then released a second statement later in the evening of the release of Hbomberguy's video:

All of this on top of him subtly throwing his cowriter under the bus for it in his apology video! Statements like, "I'm not trying to throw Nick under the bus" don't work when you also say things like, "things that weren't true I didn't write or believe made it into the videos!" What other conclusion are viewers supposed to make about shit like 'American soldiers lusting after Nazi bodies' and the snarking misogyny that can't be traced back to a source other than Nick wrote it? Somerton is using Nick as a fall guy and trying to gaslight everyone into thinking he's not and it's transparent and pathetic.

The man absolutely does not deserve another chance and any claims he makes that he is seeking money to reimburse the queer creators he erased by plagiarizing their work should not be trusted. The guy has zero credibility, don't give him the benefit of the doubt.

#lgbtqia #Hbomberguy #James Somerton #jenny nicholson #Dan Olson #Folding Ideas #Twitter #Reddit #Patreon #Todd in the Shadows #video essayist #Youtube

[dailyadventureprompts]

Tableskills: Creating Dread

I've often had a lot of problems telling scary stories at my table, whether it be in d&d or other horror focused games. I personally don't get scared easily, especially around "traditionally horrifying" things so it's hard for me to recreate that experience in others. Likewise, you can't just port horror movie iconography into tabletop and expect it to evoke genuine fear: I've already spoken of being bored out of my mind during the zombie apocalypse, and my few trips into ravenloft have all been filled with similar levels of limp and derivative grimdark.

It took me a long time (and a lot of video essays about films I'd never watched) to realize that in terms of an experience fear is a lot like a joke, in that it requires multiple steps of setup and payoff. Dread is that setup, it's the rising tension in a scene that makes the revelation worth it, the slow and literal rising of a rollercoaster before the drop. It's way easier to inspire dread in your party than it is to scare them apropos of nothing, which has the added flexibility of letting you choose just the right time to deliver the frights.

TLDR: You start with one of the basic human fears (guide to that below) to emotionally prime your players and introduce it to your party in a initially non-threataning manor. Then you introduce a more severe version of it in a way that has stakes but is not overwhelmingly scary just yet. You wait until they're neck deep in this second scenario before throwing in some kind of twist that forces them to confront their discomfort head on.

More advice (and spoilers for The Magnus Archives) below the cut.

Before we go any farther it's vitally important that you learn your party's limits and triggers before a game begins. A lot of ttrpg content can be downright horrifying without even trying to be, so it's critical you know how everyone in your party is going to react to something before you go into it. Whether or not you're running an actual horror game or just wanting to add some tension to an otherwise heroic romp, you and your group need to be on the same page about this, and discuss safety systems from session 0 onwards.

The Fundamental Fears: It may seem a bit basic but one of the greatest tools to help me understand different aspects of horror was the taxonomy invented by Jonathan Sims of The Magnus Archives podcast. He breaks down fear into different thematic and emotional through lines, each given a snappy name and iconography that's so memorable that I often joke it's the queer-horror version of pokemon types or hogwarts houses. If we start with a basic understanding of WHY people find things scary we learn just what dials we need turn in order to build dread in our players.

Implementation: Each of these examples is like a colour we can paint a scene or encounter with, flavouring it just so to tickle a particular, primal part of our party's brains. You don't have to do much, just something along the lines of "the upcoming cave tunnel is getting a little too close for comfort" or "the all-too thin walkway creaks under your weight ", or "what you don't see is the movement at the edge of the room". Once the seed is planted your party's' minds will do most of the work: humans are social, pattern seeking creatures, and the hint of danger to one member of the group will lay the groundwork of fear in all the rest.

The trick here is not to over commit, which is the mistake most ttrpgs make with horror: actually showing the monster, putting the party into a dangerous situation, that’s the finisher, the  punchline of the joke. It’s also a release valve on all the pressure you’ve been hard at work building.

There’s nothing all that scary about fighting a level-appropriate number of skeletons, but forcing your party to creep through a series of dark, cobweb infested catacombs with the THREAT of being attacked by undead? That’s going to have them climbing the walls.

Let narration and bad dice rolls be your main tools here, driving home the discomfort, the risk, the looming threat.

Surprise: Now that you’ve got your party marinating in dread, what you want to do to really scare them is to throw a curve ball. Go back to that list and find another fear which either compliments or contrasts the original one you set up, and have it lurking juuuust out of reach ready to pop up at a moment of perfect tension like a jack in the box. The party is climbing down a slick interior of an underdark cavern, bottom nowhere in sight? They expect to to fall, but what they couldn't possibly expect is for a giant arm to reach out of the darkness and pull one of them down. Have the party figured out that there's a shapeshifter that's infiltrated the rebel meeting and is killing their allies? They suspect suspicion and lies but what they don't expect is for the rebel base to suddenly be on FIRE forcing them to run.

My expert advice is to lightly tease this second threat LONG before you introduce the initial scare. Your players will think you're a genius for doing what amounts to a little extra work, and curse themselves for not paying more attention.

Restraint: Less is more when it comes to scares, as if you do this trick too often your players are going to be inured to it. Try to do it maybe once an adventure, or dungeon level. Scares hit so much harder when the party isn't expecting them. If you're specifically playing in a "horror" game, it's a good idea to introduce a few false scares, or make multiple encounters part of the same bait and switch scare tactic: If we're going into the filthy gross sewer with mould and rot and rats and the like, you'll get more punch if the final challenge isn't corruption based, but is instead some new threat that we could have never prepared for.

Art

#tableskills #horror #spooky #halloween #the magnus archives #dm tip #dm advice #dm tips

[geoffrard]

My Chemical Romance, Hardcore Sexual Repression, and the Lemon Stealing Whore

[Content warning for non-graphic references to pornography, sex, sexual violence, and negative attitudes towards sex work. There is no explicit nudity but you might not want to read this in front of your boss. All images have descriptions in alt text. See sources here. Read this essay on my Dreamwidth here.]

It’s the setup of a joke: Gerard Way, Mikey Way, Frank Iero, Matt Pelissier, and a porn actress huddle around a leather couch in a dingy room as a camera rolls. The actress, a young and bright-eyed Joanna Angel, asks each member of My Chemical Romance in the room, “Do you guys watch porn?”

Most of us have seen the interview. If not, stop and watch it now, because nothing else I say will make sense otherwise. (And here, just for you, I’ve reuploaded the video with at least 10% more pixels. Watch below, or read a transcript here.)

The fact that My Chemical Romance, whose faces have decorated shirts at Hot Topic for over fifteen years, whose songs have saved lives and inspired memes, who all have wives and children, would end up associated with an alt porn website like Burning Angel often baffles fans watching the interview for the first time. 

For example, see these comments left on the original video uploaded to YouTube: 

These comments, though more than a few years old, generally represent how a lot fans understand the interview. Other people think it’s funny and perhaps a little out of left field, but don’t question how four members wound up on a porn site like Burning Angel. Both attitudes are a pretty typical example of the MCR fandom’s ignorance about the New Jersey hardcore scene, as well reflecting general weirdness about sex work. 

Since I cannot turn my historian brain off, I wanted to provide some of the extremely interesting historical context behind the video. The post I had originally planned to make very, very briefly outlined how MCR ended up being interviewed by Joanna Angel, founder and longtime CEO of Burning Angel. But the more I looked into it, the more I fell down a rabbit hole. This eventually turned into something of a mammoth manifesto about women and sexuality in the late 90s hardcore scene that gave My Chemical Romance and Joanna Angel careers. I will warn you: this is long. But it’s also important historical background information that rarely gets discussed at all—especially by MCR fans.

(So, with all that said, please feel free to ask any questions about anything I say here! Sources for will be posted on a different post which I will link at the end, and I have been quite thorough, though not as thorough as I could have been.)

Tl;dr: Joanna Angel came up in the exact same scene as My Chemical Romance, Thursday, and Midtown, a scene which stigmatized open sexual expression, at the expense of women and queer people—especially those involved in sex work. When she started her porn site, Burning Angel, she applied the same DIY values that her peers did to their own bands, but faced violence and ostracization from a subculture much too repressed to embrace such blatant expression of female sexuality. In this context, the My Chemical Romance interview with Burning Angel in 2004 was not only a group of guys doing a favor for someone they had probably known for years at that point; it can also be read as a somewhat controversial act that pushed back against this aversion to sexuality, and that helped legitimize and popularize both the site and Joanna Angel’s career. 

Burning Angel: the Movie (2005)

Say you’re a diehard My Chemical Romance fan in 2005—if you really want to watch your favorite band discuss their porn-viewing habits, you’ll have to travel to either your local adult entertainment store or go to the hardcore porn site BurningAngel.com and order their first DVD, appropriately titled Burning Angel: The Movie. Once you have the disc, you’ll have to fast forward through several sex scenes and interviews with other bands before you arrive at what you wanted: the actress who you’ve just seen in hardcore sex scenes asking Gerard, Frank, Mikey and Otter questions about their preferences in adult entertainment.

The DVD was Burning Angel’s first attempt at more professional pornography, and Joanna’s first foray into full participation in filmed, live-action sex. Joanna Angel would later go on to be one of the most well-known porn stars of our time—in Virgin Territory (2006), for example, she played a lemon stealing whore; you might have seen the video—and Burning Angel would be credited with the popularization of the “alt” porn genre, which broke from the exploitative mainstream porn model and typically featured models representative of subcultures.

But in 2005 her alt porn empire was still in its infancy, and Joanna was still struggling to rectify her recent full expulsion from the local New Jersey hardcore social scene with her enduring devotion to DIY values—and the fact that members of the sexually repressed subculture that had ostracized Joanna were her site’s target audience.

Joanna Angel on the Scene

Any thoughts of a future career in adult entertainment and the last name Angel were far from her mind when Joanna Mostov enrolled in Rutgers University in 1998. 

Though she often pushed back against the wishes of her religious orthodox Jewish family, the extent of her adolescent rebellion had ended at sneaking out to punk shows and getting piercings her mother wouldn’t approve of. At Rutgers, Joanna quickly became enmeshed in the New Brunswick hardcore scene, putting her in the same circles as a host of people whose names you might recognize: Geoff Rickly of Thursday (who ran hundreds of shows out of his basement), Gabe Saporta of Midtown and Cobra Starship, and Alex Saavedra of Eyeball Records. 

Geoff Rickly: Well, you know, the funny thing is that, at the time, Joanna, who would later go on to form Burning Angel and become a famous porn star in her own right, was playing in her goth bands with chelsea haircuts and the basement shows. Like, her local goth band would play. And they’d bring out people and stuff, and I’d put touring bands on that show, and so it’s funny to me how, weirdly, DIY punk hardcore scenes and porn had weird associations then. [source: Going Off Track: Geoff Rickly, 2012]

The NJ hardcore scene was close-knit enough that while she only has documented friendships with some of these people, she had to have crossed paths with most of them multiple times (for example, Joanna was at the show on December 31, 1998 where Thursday and Midtown played their first real sets). She went to every show she could and hosted some in her own basement. 

While we don’t necessarily have a written record of her friendship with Frank Iero and Mikey Way of My Chemical Romance, the fact that Joanna attended plenty of shows in the North Jersey area and also spent a lot of time at the Eyeball House (Alex was a close friend; and Pencey Prep was on his label) suggests that, at the the very least, Joanna, Frank, and Mikey were aware of each other’s presence in these early years. They were peers in the same scene, just as they were with everyone else who frequented the same venues or played in the same basements.

For years, the hardcore scene mattered to her more than anything else; it was her social life and what she based her values upon. 

Those hardcore values and a growing curiosity about her own sexuality lead Joanna to sex-positive feminist activism and a writing internship with Nerve.com, an online magazine which explored topics related to sex and romantic relationships. From there, her interest in expressing her own sexuality continued to develop.

[Suicidegirls in 2001]

So, in 2002, when her roommate and friend asked her if she wanted to start a porn site that offered more explicit content than sites like SuicideGirls, which featured punk aesthetics and band interviews but stayed away from anything more than simple nudity, Joanna agreed.

BurningAngel.com went live in April 2002. It wanted to do things differently than other porn sites. While not necessarily pushing the boundaries of beauty standards, the site used models who were beautiful but in a more approachable, average sense. Joanna has said that since she had little experience even watching porn prior to starting the site, she wanted the site to mimic the kind of sex she was having with actors who looked like the people she was having sex with. 

Joanna: When we started the website, it was a reflection of ourselves. It still is to this day. There's band interviews on the website, the style of girl that we use is not your average typical porn star and the personality on the website is a little bit different. All the members interact with each other, all of the girls have blogs and profiles, and people become friends with each other. It's more of a community and a reflection of a subculture rather than just being a website with content to jerk-off to and never think about again. [source: Complex: Interview: Joanna Angel Talks Alt Porn, Piracy, And Her Blow-Up Doll, 2011] 

[Burning Angel’s homepage in June 2002]

Hardcore Punk Reacts to Hardcore Porn 

Her longtime involvement in the scene and her application of DIY ethics to her porn business did not mean that the hardcore culture actively nurtured Joanna Angel’s career in porn. In reality, many parts of the scene were actively hostile towards Joanna and the site once Burning Angel went live.

This backlash isn’t incredibly surprising within the context of late 90s hardcore, a subculture that by and large refused to acknowledge sexuality of any kind. 

The sexual repression in hardcore reflected several different aspects of its culture: a negative perception of women active in the scene; a reaction against the violence of tristate hardcore in the early 90s; and, more than anything else, the general privilege of those involved in the underground.

Like Joanna, Geoff Rickly, and Frank Iero, most people involved in New Brunswick hardcore were enrolled at Rutgers, and white, middle-class male college students dominated the scene. For many of them, applying DIY values to their own lives meant distancing themselves from their socioeconomic upper-hand. Consequently, the scene as a whole developed an attitude of asceticism, rejecting anything that served no purpose beyond pleasure or personal enjoyment. (Of course, it was easy for them to reject their social privileges, especially when they could just as easily cast off their aesthetic of poverty and self-denial for an adulthood of relative comfort.)

To do anything just because you enjoyed it, or because it brought you happiness in the moment, was seen to be a betrayal of hardcore’s higher intellectual goals—and that included sex. You can see this trend, for example, in lyrics from NJ hardcore bands, which focused on things like political issues or childhood traumas instead of the common themes of sexual and romantic desire found in mainstream music.

Joanna spoke about finding comfort in the general sexual repression of the scene because of her own adolescent insecurities:

Joanna: Me being very sexually not advanced and insecure, [90s hardcore] was the perfect place for me, because I could ignore [sexuality]. I was getting older, I don’t know, I wanted to explore myself more. So I began to write these graphic sex stories. My roommate, Mitch, knew about it, and I remember him getting a kick out of it. [source: Turned Out A Punk #127: Joanna Angel (Burning Angel)]

For another salient example, Geoff Rickly of Thursday has spoken about his own struggles with the hardcore scene’s repression, especially in regards to the shame he felt about writing sexually explicit stories for pay:

Geoff Rickly: You have to think, this is the 90s punk scene. It's not now. Nobody would openly talk about sex in DIY punk. It was such a repressed PC time, where — I mean, a lot of that stuff is my heart, like the political activism that was still such a part of punk, and actually just giving a shit about things that matter, and modes of how you're doing what you're doing. Those things seemed to matter back then, and I appreciated that side, but it was also so uptight. So repressed. [source: Going Off Track: Geoff Rickly, 2012]

While its general aversion to sexuality might have been born out of an initial desire to reform the violent misogyny of other hardcore cultures, it created the conditions for certain social problems to go completely unaddressed. After all, how can you address the rampant misogyny, homophobia, and sexual violence in your community if any acknowledgement of sexuality is taboo?

(For a brief but interesting perspective on the impact of hardcore sexual repression upon queer people in the scene, check out Episode #4 of Geoff Rickly’s podcast Dark Blue, in which Steve Pedulla and Norman Brannon discuss their experiences as gay musicians in the scene.)

Of course, these issues aren’t confined to the New Jersey hardcore, nor were they unique to the late 1990s. This particular brand of sex-averse misogyny reflects important threads within the feminism of the time which villainized open female sexuality—especially when it concerned sex work. Left-leaning spaces like music undergrounds adopted this sex-negative, misogynistic attitude as a part of their feminism—not in opposition to it.

In particular, the Riot Grrrl movement of the late 80s/early 90s pushed back against a culture (and a subculture) that shamed women for publicly expressing their sexuality. Following that, early fanzines and performance practices addressed the mistreatment of sex workers in hardcore as one way that female bodily autonomy was limited and women’s bodies were policed. Bikini Kill frontwoman and Riot Grrrl pioneer Kathleen Hanna has spoken about her past in sex work, the hostility she endured for openly discussing it, and the importance of that experience in shaping the form of Riot Grrrl’s protest. 

Kathleen Hanna: “Whenever we were written about in the press, I wanted my sex-work history to be part of the description, because I wanted other women whom I danced at clubs with (and who never knew my real name) to see themselves reflected in some way. A lot of women who are doing music now have been sex-trade workers, prostitutes, dancers; I thought it was really important that I didn’t hide that. But I also didn’t want to glamorize that experience in being a super-cool thing in itself. I just wanted other women who work in the sex industry to remember that we can be sex-trade workers and be philosophers, writers, musicians, artists, or whatever. [Andrea Juno, Angry Women in Rock (1996)]

Riot Grrrl gained significant traction and nation-wide attention. In the decade or so after Kathleen Hanna and her peers catalyzed the movement, bands like Bikini Kill and Bratmobile remained incredibly popular, and likely contributed a lot to shifting attitudes towards sexuality in music subcultures. 

Still, these sex-negative attitudes prevailed among enough people involved in local underground scenes that, when Burning Angel launched in 2002 and Joanna started marketing it in local hardcore spaces, the site received a lot of attention—both good and bad. The positive attention fueled the site and allowed it to expand beyond just photographs, text interviews, and low-budget personal sex tapes that characterized its early content. 

However, the negative attention Joanna and her site received was vocal, targeted, and occasionally involved literal physical violence. As Kathleen Hanna had faced moral condemnation for her time in sex work, Joanna Angel faced criticism from fellow members of her subculture who thought sex work to be completely antithetical to their social justice goals. She has spoken about how difficult it was to see a community she had cared about for years turn her back on her completely for engaging in a type of work that she found enjoyable, and that she thought could be done with moral integrity. 

Joanna Angel: People were calling me ugly, calling me all sorts of mean shit, how [Burning Angel was] making a profit, [we were] exploiting women, blah blah blah. And I was so bummed. I was like, you know, this isn’t fair! I always support every fucking band in the punk scene. Even if I don’t like the band, I support them—I go to their shows, I would hand out fliers for their shows. I thought it was like a code, in the punk scene, that it doesn’t matter whether you like it or not. If this is part of the scene, you accept it, and you help it, and you love it—and I thought that’s what you were supposed to do. I remember being very hurt, you know? I was like, dude, I didn’t violate any punk laws by starting this. My friend from my computer class is the one who put it online. All the other girls on the site—all three of them— were punk chicks and part of the scene. And I felt really bad; people were insulting the other girls, and I really thought I was starting this cool thing where girls could just explore their sexuality. And mind you, at the time, the beginning of Burning Angel was just photos, not even videos. People were getting all up in this upheaval because of a handful of naked photos on the internet. It’s crazy to think about now. [source: Turned Out A Punk #127: Joanna Angel (Burning Angel)]

Amidst the mounting antagonism and after an incident at Hellfest 2004, Joanna officially decided to leave the hardcore scene that she’d been involved with for over five years.

Joanna Angel: I remember going to Hellfest one year. Maybe it was like 2004?…these girls were throwing water balloons at us because we had a booth there. Because we used to get booths at some of these shows and sell tshirts. We didn’t even have any DVDs—we’d literally get in a booth and sell tshirts and hand out fliers and stickers. And these other girls were throwing water balloons at us and calling us sluts. I was like, “Hey, that sucks, can you stop doing that?” And one of my friends—he owned a record label. He owned Eyeball Records, Alex…he saw the girls picking on us, and he went over to the girls, and said, “Hey, can you cool it? They have a booth here—let them do their thing. They’re not gonna get in your way.” And then those girls and their boyfriends beat him up, and he wound up in the hospital. He almost died. It was terrible. And I was like, we have to get out here. Let’s just stay away. If we’re a porn site, let’s just be a porn site. Let’s promote ourselves with other porn companies; let’s step away for a little while. Everyone in the punk scene knows who we are. They’ve made their decision about if they like us or not. I’m still gonna interview bands, still gonna do that thing—but I’m done. [source: Turned Out A Punk #127: Joanna Angel (Burning Angel)]

Joanna and Burning Angel’s separation from the NJ hardcore scene in 2004 finally brings me to Burning Angel: The Movie, My Chemical Romance, and that interview.

So, 2004: after over two years spent largely behind the camera and slowly expanding her porn site, Joanna finally decided to get in front of the camera and produce a more intentionally crafted alt porn video that retained the feel of the website. Thus Burning Angel: the Movie was born. 

As Joanna explains in the interview, the general idea of the DVD was that different self-contained pornographic scenes would be interspersed with band interviews. One of the key features of Burning Angel, like Suicide Girls before it, was the band interviews subscribers could access alongside the porn, so it made sense to preserve this aspect of the site on the DVD experience. Joanna interviewed five bands in early 2005: Killswitch Engage, Eighteen Visions, Shadows Fall, The Dillinger Escape Plan, and, of course, My Chemical Romance—all bands that Joanna admired, and who had been involved in the same scene that she had recently left because of very real threats to her emotional and physical well-being.

Within this context, My Chemical Romance’s decision to participate in the Burning Angel interview was a statement, as they put their support behind an enterprise that was highly controversial within the social circle most immediately relevant to them. 

Fresh off the 2004 Warped Tour and promoted Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge, My Chemical Romance might have appeared to be largely divorced from their scene of origin, but they still acted in response to those politics—politics that impacted American culture at large more than you’d think—in both intentional and incidental ways. 

That is not to say that MCR was being overtly political; they’ve made a clear effort to distance themselves from the clear-cut political imagery and goals of some of their peers in hardcore. Still, the band (Gerard especially) very obviously cared a lot about using their music and stage presence to express shades of sexuality that they perceived to be lacking from some forms of music.

Gerard: I also wanted, at the same time, [for] the record to be a testament to self-expression, and putting stuff in there like that, while not being a homosexual myself, but expressing myself in a homosexual way, is either going to push your buttons in a negative way or you’re going to identify with it. [AP: Well, this whole scene wants you to be sensitive, but not too sensitive.] It is extremely homoerotic, especially the whole emo-sensitive thing. Everyone’s wearing women’s pants; everyone’s got women’s haircuts; everyone’s wearing youth-medium shirts. I don’t want to come out and say it. It’s blatantly obvious. Wearing a leather jacket is an extremely masculine thing to do in this scene. Even the hardcore bands, the really hard ones, you see them in makeup and stuff. I like that. I think it keeps it dangerous. It keeps it exciting. In a way, sex has really been missing from rock, especially because of all the sensitivity. That’s what I really wanted to convey on the record, too. I wanted the record to be very dangerous and sexy at the same time. There’s such a lack of sex in music. It’s been more about getting in touch with your feelings and being there for each other, which is great, but it’s definitely lacking this sexual duality. [Source: Alternative Press #193, Aug 2004; emphasis mine]

Additionally, many of their moments of explicit sexuality on stage were designed to be somewhat incendiary and polarizing. 

But it’s important to remember that, just as late 90s New Jersey hardcore was not the first subculture with issues of sexual repression, My Chemical Romance does not represent the first attempt to push back at this asexual culture and definitely weren’t leading that particular conversation. Gerard took inspiration from artists already pushing those boundaries and incorporating sexual expression into their art. He has spoken, for example, about the impact of Riot Grrrl acts upon his music and stage presence (Joanna Angel has similarly pointed to bands like Bikini Kill as significant influences). These bands had already incorporated resistance against harmful sexual repression, values which Gerard and his band mates took on when they adopted their styles into My Chemical Romance.

(I also want to mention briefly that other significant people in the hardcore world have spoken out against pornography, such as Ian MacKaye of the formative post-hardcore band Fugazi. MacKaye owned Dischord Records, the definitive underground music label, to which a young Frank Iero unsuccessfully attempted to get his band Sector 12 signed. The matter of pornography and its role within the hardcore world was not one upon which you could maintain a neutral stance after, say, appearing on a porn DVD.)

As shitty as it was that they needed approval from the men in the scene, My Chemical Romance, along with other bands, supported Burning Angel, a new kind of porn, and helped legitimize Joanna Angel’s claim that what she was doing was not backwards or exploitative but had integrity. 

Have you had an issue with people you grew up with when they find out you're in the adult industry? Joanna: At first people had problem[s], but not anymore. Once the cool kids in bands said, "I think what she's doing is cool" all the others turned around. Everyone I ever respected didn't have an issue with it and all the stupid, annoying hardcore kids had a problem. For as much shit as I got, I also got a lot of support. [Source: Hustlerworld Interview: Joanna Angel]

I don’t mean to glamorize the porn industry or to depict Joanna Angel as some savior of female sexuality in the early 2000s. But, as Kathleen Hanna points out, sex work is legitimate work, and sex workers deserve to have workplaces that treat them with dignity and communities that recognize their humanity. The reality was that NJ hardcore as a community did not support sex workers. Fundamentally, these were the barriers that caused Joanna and Burning Angel to make an exodus from the local hardcore scene—and they are the attitudes we risk reproducing when we express discomfort that a band we admire has interacted with a sex worker.

My intentions with this post (which turned out longer than I had ever anticipated, so Jesus, thank you for reading) were to shed light on the historical context of one moment in My Chemical Romance’s history. I’ve found that the average MCR fan, even those with a specific fondness for their early years, doesn’t actually know much at all about it—so I hope this has given some clarity.

I’ll end on this note: Without bands supporting Burning Angel, who knows—we might have never seen the lemon stealing whore. At the very least, the culture surrounding porn would look a lot different. That might not mean it would look better or worse—though you can’t deny the role that Joanna Angel played, nor the role that bands from the New Jersey Hardcore scene like My Chemical Romance played in shaping the American culture of pornography. 

Find sources for this post here.

[acknowledgements: thank you so much for reading! my forever thanks, as always, to nic @raytorosaurus, sophia @sendmyresignation, vyn @bringmoreknives, and maddy @8thnotes for their continued cheerleading as i spent over a month writing this long, long post. additional thanks to wes @killrockstar for very kindly offering some incredibly helpful guidance about riot grrrl and sending me resources about kathleen hanna. and much gratitude to merlin @void-flesh and @transmascfrankiero for their feedback on the final draft of this essay.]

#mcr #my chemical romance #joanna angel #mcr meta #my post

[andy-wm]

I have thoughts about the Tiktok JK deleted

<<I realise its a few days ago now and you might be wondering 'what tiktok?' but I've been writing in snatches when I have a few minutes so it took a while. Anyway, here it is...>>

A few posts I've read have suggested JK did the silly>sexy Tiktok challenge backwards. That he did sexy>silly instead. That he was being random and funny.

I disagree.

What he did was unexpected, a little left of centre, and for the people who can read subtext, not random at all but very very clever.

I'll tell you why, (It may not be what you think) but first I need to vent about two things:

1. Give the man some credit. He knows what he's doing.

There are some who love JK but who see him as a naive innocent. He is not. He isn't a child or a himbo.

Saying he did the challenge just because it's trending, and he reversed the order of the content for a bit of a joke, is insulting to him as an artist. It would suggest he has no forethought or understanding of himself or his (global) audience, and his decisions are made on impulse with no idea of the consequences.

He's very intelligent and has plenty of experience with digital media and creating content. Besides being involved in producing complex visual narratives as part of BTS for the last ten years, he has directed and produced seven highly polished and professional GFC videos. And don't forget the MVs for Life Goes On. For the October issue of Vogue Korea he took on the role of Creative Director. That's a pretty big deal. So we can assume he knows what he's doing.

If he produces content in a particular way, it's because it enables him to communicate what he wants to communicate.

2. You may not understand the message. That doesn't mean there's nothing to understand.

A heads up to people who can't work it out... your inability to grasp meaning doesn't equate to 'no meaning exists'. Suggesting that people who recognise what he's doing are reaching or delusional is an insult to both the audience who can read this situation, and to Jungkook, who is sharing his message.

Consider a system of writing you can't decode. Lack of comprehension doesnt mean the writing is meaningless, it means you don't understand the language.

Even if you believe you understand what's being said, please recognise that context may play a role too, that it could reveal a richer and deeper message. Don't just assume the easiest (laziest) interpretation is correct.

(You may have guessed, someone suggested I was 'behaving like the cult' when I pointed out that JK's tiktok was more than being funny ... and now I'm mad 🤣)

Vent over. Now back to he topic at hand...

💜💛

What was he was really doing? And why is it not at all random?

Let's take a step back to recall what army has been saying about this...

Almost every interpretation i read suggests he reversed the order (silly>sexy becomes sexy>silly). The reason given is that his tiktok only makes sense if the order is reversed, and this idea is backed up by the caption saying "I go the other way".

But the 'reversed order' theory is based on a hereronormative perspective of what's sexy (and a stereotypical perspective of silly.)

So consider the content of his tiktok from a queer point of view...

For a man in a relationship with another man, the idea that he's with all those women is silly.

It's silly to believe he's got a girlfriend - or several. It's silly to think the womens' names in the song are relevant to him.

He posted this tiktok at a time when he's releasing music that fits the western pop norm of boy + girl, and when rumours of him dating several women at once are rife. The timing is not a coincidence and nor is the choice of background song for this.

All these assumptions and rumours are pretty silly, JK is telling us.

Now let's talk about the second part, the sexy part. Yes it may look silly on the surface, but we have seen him and Jimin make dorky faces at one another when they're flirting. It seems to be the visual equivalent of calling Jimin 'Jiminssssi'.

It's just another way they create distance and avoid 'getting caught'.

Maybe sexy for Jungkook actually is lying on the couch in your sweatpants making corny faces at your boyfriend.

Remember that he puts out 'stereotypical sexy' on command as part of his job so maybe that doesn't feel very sexy to him. Maybe that's work.

In my view (I know this is subject to interpretation) they've been together for years now. This is not the first flush of love. When you've been with a partner for a while, sex is (hopefully) more fun and less serious. Maybe it's about having the confidence to be wholly unselfconscious.

(My partner makes a Pepé Le Pew face at me when he's goofing. No, i don't know why either... 🤣🤷)

But wait, what about that caption?

What about 난반대로 간다?

My beautiful Korean friend (who sadly has zero interest or care about jikook) confirmed the literal translation:

"I go the other way"

"I take the opposite direction".

It's not "it goes the other way" or "this goes the opposite direction". He's referring specifically to HIMSELF.

Jungkook goes the other way.

But it's more than that according to my friend.

It's a bold statement:

"I don't follow the mainstream."

It reminds me of his tattoo ...

RATHER BE DEAD THAN COOL

He doesn't do things just because everyone else is doing them.

"I don't follow the mainstream."

OK. HOLD UP.

This is where it gets interesting.

Then why would he do something as mainstream as a trending tiktok challenge? Especially something as vapid as this challenge?

And why would he tell us DURING that Tiktok challenge that he DOESN'T follow the mainstream?

And then delete it.

Creating content takes time.

And we know he's a busy man.

He's about to release an album. He's doing live performances. He's prerecording for music shows. He's overseas right now... for the fourth time in a month! Does he have time for this??

And he DELETED it...

Did he just WASTE all that time?

No, he did not.

He deliberately chose to do this.

He did it knowing ARMY studies every action, every video, and every media release.

He did it knowing ARMY would already have copied the video before he took it off his profile.

He said on Stationhead that he knows ARMY has it, and is sharing and posting it. He's FINE with that.

So he took the time to create and upload that video. He wants it out there.

He just doesn't want it on HIS page. That's an important part of the story.

So lets go back to the caption.

"I take the opposite direction"

"I go the other way"

"I don't follow the mainstream."

*Said boldly* remember. It's a loud statement, captioning an otherwise pointless very mainstream trending challenge.

So if he's not referring to tiktok itself, or to uploading challenges, what could he be referring to?

...

...

There's only one thing left: Himself.

I take the opposite direction

I go the other way

I don't follow the mainstream

Essentially... I swing the other way.

There's no way a queer man would make that statement and not fully recognise the message he's sending.

As for deleting the video, I'd say he knew it was too risky to leave on his profile, being a celebrity in Korea. He's managing his brand. Deleting it also gives him plausible deniability. He can say he made an error. As I said, he's very intelligent. He knows ARMY will see it and share it. He knows that those of us with a queer eye will hear the message loud and clear.

🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈 And we do hear it. 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈

#jeon jungguk #jikook #kookmin #국민 #jungkook

[edapparently]

James Somerton Sucks For Many Reasons. But Also His Opinion On Heartstopper...

Ok so I was watching Todd in the Shadows' video on fact-checking James Somerton's vids (of course after having watched Hbomberguy's video). And a clip played of James lying (again) about straight white women complaining about a gay show. Except he mentions at the end of the sentence that these supposed people were "exposed to gay content for the first time in their lives via Heartstopper".

19:18 - https://youtu.be/A6_LW1PkmnY?t=1158

Now idk if that was supposed to be a joke or if that reflects any of his actual opinions on it (it's not like he's known for telling the truth anyway now tho)

But I'd just like to say anyway [this ties back into James I swear just bear with me]

I'm 18 years old now and I'm still dealing with issues cause by the homophobia I experienced in high school. And one of the few things that got me through it was when I got the first volume of Hearstopper when I was 16. And that actually was MY first real exposer to properly gay content. ME. Another gay boy. Not a straight woman.

And not only that, but it was the first time that I took in a piece of media and could honestly say "I see myself in this"

It was the first time I felt really seen and felt like I had my issues understood. And even as I've gotten slightly older through the two years, they've still been able to help me.

My friends will know that I've been struggling a lot with certain mental health issues that affect my physical health too. And I only realised how bad my problem really is and how much its been affecting me when I read volumes 3 and 4 and saw Charlie dealing with almost the exact same problem. I had been in such denial about it and worrying that it wasn't even real that I hadn't even considered it. But reading about him suffering from and eventually admitting to his problem and trying to get help made me think about what I had been experiencing. And gave me some perspective as to what exactly was happening in head and to my body.

The reason I'm saying all this is because I'm trying to show that these books about gay teenagers are REALLY good at portraying the experiences of gay teenagers. (At least based on my own personal life, Ik it could be very different for others and that's still valid) and they made me understand that what I had been through and am still dealing with because of that; are not isolated incidents and that I am not alone.

And James... someone who tried to give off the impression that he knows a lot about queer culture. Used it as an example of mindless romance fluff...

Which I think shows:

His lack of understanding of what it is actually like growing up as a gay boy in our current time. (Again, not trying to speak for everyone but it's very accurate to my own life)

And

2. His unwillingness/disinterest to look into what the books actually contain and how readers may respond to it.

[Also I just realised after typing all this that he could have meant the Netflix show, which imo wasn't as good but I think my point still stands?]

#hbomberguy #james somerton #heartstopper

[borathae]

↳ Index [Chapter 05 - Bonding]

Focus on Pairing: Jungkook x Taehyung

Warnings: a romantic picnic date in the forest, Tae is a nervous mess, he is actually a mess in general, so many insecurities and anxieties and signs of PTSD, please seriously someone hold this man, despite these warnings this chapter is so romantic and healing, Kook is the sweetest and most patient person ever, he is so fucking important to Tae's healing journey, they're really bonding <3, they're so cute :(, there is a moment where "smut" could be implied but i can't say more without spoiling the plot, there is no smut though, ah yes there is also talks about being queer and how amazing it is to be queer, i love being queer no joke <3, and i love them :(

Wordcount: 10.4k

a/n: i feel like these warnings are a mess bahahah i didn't wanna spoiler too much, this chapter is definitely the "angstiest" though which says a lot about this story because it's still so fluffy and sweet despite the "angst"

Yoongi’s softened eyes meet yours as you open them to a new morning. His face lights up, an adoring smile washes over his features. He must have been gazing at you for a while because his cheeks are slightly flushed.

You retort the smile instantly with your pulse speeding up. His eyes are dark brown again, his hair a deep black, and yet, the memory of how they glowed purple last night is still so fresh to you. He looked so incredibly beautiful.

You reach out and caress his cheek, making him flutter his lashes in contentment. 

“Good morning, my beloved”, you speak softly.

“Good morning.”

“Did you sleep well?”

He nods his head and scoots closer to kiss your forehead.

“I love you”, he whispers, making your heart race.

“I love you too.” 

“My love”, he sighs, giving you a gentle hug.

You snuggle into him, giggling quietly.

“Last night was so nice”, you say.

“It was incredible”, he agrees.

“I can’t stop repeating the way you looked.”

“Me neither, my love. Your magic is so beautiful.”

“Yours is just as beautiful.” 

He gives you a gentle squeeze, “my beloved love.”

You giggle, “Yoongi, oh god. You’re so cute.”

You crane your neck, kissing his lips. He smiles into the kiss, purring in happiness as his hand caresses your cheek. 

You break the kiss once you need to breathe, putting some distance between each other so you could gaze.

“I like you so, so much, Boongie.”

“I like you too, my princess.” 

You smile. He retorts it, holding your hand.

“Do you feel normal?” he asks.

“Yeah, just really happy and a little hungry. Why?” 

“Just so. I still can’t believe you let me cum inside.” 

“Yeah”, you agree with a giddy scrunch of your nose, “I don’t regret it.” 

“Me neither”, he squeezes your hand, “if something happens and you change your mind, I will support you. I just want you to know.”

You know what he insinuates, feeling so incredibly safe with him. 

“Thank you so much”, you kiss his hand, “I love you.”

“I love you too”, he answers you and rubs his tummy, “I’m hungry too.”

“You are? Oh poor Boongie”, you go to rub his tummy even if he giggles as a defence mechanism, “should we get brekky?” 

“Yeah, I’d like that.”

Taehyung and Jungkook are up earlier than you because the guestroom is already empty when you pass it. Yoongi thinks that they are downstairs and so you continue your way to the kitchen.

Taehyung is sitting cross-legged on the floor, freeing cherries from their pits together with your grandfather. Next to them, your grandmother is kneading dough for a pie. Jungkook isn’t present in the room, but the door to the garden is open. They have the radio on, playing songs from a long passed time. 

“Good morning.” 

Their heads turn in sync with your greeting. Their voices overlap as they all greet you and Yoongi. You hug your grandmother and your hug your grandfather, then you kiss Taehyung on his lips and caress his soft cheek. He leans into the touch with sparkly puppy eyes.

“Did you sleep well?” you ask no one in particular.

“I did”, Taehyung answers, “and you?” 

“We did.”

“We didn’t get to see you at all yesterday.” 

“I know, right? Yoongi and I practiced magic for almost the entire day and when we came back for dinner, you guys were still out, painting? Paps said that you were.”

One Day Prior

“Well then, I don’t wanna keep you from it. See you later, guys. I love you”, you say and send them flying kisses. You are below their window, carrying a picnic basket and a bright smile.

Taehyung and Jungkook catch the kisses you sent them, giggling just as you do.

“We love you too”, they say in unison, waving you goodbye as you continue your journey to the forest.

“She’s glowing today”, Taehyung says as he watches you skip along the path.

“I thought the same”, Jungkook says.

“Do you think that she will find Yoongi?” 

“I bet she will. But even if she won’t, she’ll have a good time. She’ll probably just look at plants and cry over small animals.” 

Taehyung laughs fondly. Jungkook does the same. 

“That is something she would do.” 

“Yeah right?” 

You disappear out of their sight as the forest swallows you. The two men shift their eyes back to the view of the forest before them. Taehyung steps closer to Jungkook and hugs his waist tighter.

“Your heart’s racing like crazy, by the way”, Jungkook speaks softly as his fingers play with Taehyung’s mindlessly. He has his left hand rested on the window sill and Jungkook took the chance.

“Because I am with you.”

“You’re a softie.” 

“I am. For you”, Taehyung kisses Jungkook’s neck gently, “my weakness.” 

Jungkook smiles fondly, “softie.”

Taehyung purrs, rubbing his cheek against Jungkook’s shoulder. He slips his hands from their intertwined fingers and runs them along his arms instead. Once he reaches his elbows, he changes his touch to his stomach instead, tracing the lines of his muscles with his fingertips. Goosebumps cover Jungkook’s skin instantly, soft purrs rumble in his chest. 

“Do you want to spend time with me today?” Taehyung asks in a whisper.

“Do you have something in mind?”

“Do you want to paint in the forest? Perhaps have a picnic as well?”

“A picnic? It sounds romantic.” 

“It is supposed to be romantic. We haven’t truly gone on a date ever since all of this calmed down.” 

“Right”, Jungkook agrees, “mhm, a picnic in the forest sounds nice.” 

“Really? Do you truly want to spend time with me?”

“Sure, I’d like that.”

“O-on a date?”

“Yes, that sounds nice.”

Taehyung exhales shakily and presses a kiss to Jungkook’s shoulder.

“I am so happy to hear that”, he whispers and breaks away from Jungkook, “I am calling dips on the bathroom.” 

Jungkook chuckles, “alright, do your thing.” 

Taehyung keeps the bedroom door open, singing to himself on his way to the bathroom. 

Jungkook tidies the room a little. He makes the bed, puts away yesterday’s clothing and cleans the clutter on the bedside tables. He takes the empty glasses of water and makes his way downstairs with a melody on his lips. The shower runs and Taehyung sings happily. 

The downstairs is empty, but Jungkook doesn’t worry. He knows where you and Yoongi are and your grandparents are definitely in the garden. Jungkook thinks that it is so lovely that you got your passion for gardening from them. 

Jungkook turns on the radio and begins making the picnic. He eats a slice of raspberry pie for strength and sips from his cup of coffee every now and then. Food tastes so good when it actually nourishes the body. Jungkook really loves it. 

Taehyung comes downstairs when Jungkook has already finished two dishes. 

“You tidied the bedroom.”

Jungkook looks at Taehyung. He is wearing beige dress pants and a white linen shirt with strings in the front to close the collar. He has his sleeves down and golden rings on his fingers. His dark hair is styled. 

“I did”, Jungkook confirms.

“Are you making breakfast?” Taehyung asks and comes behind him to hug his waist. 

“No. I’m preparing the picnic. I had raspberry pie for breakfast. I saved you a slice as well.”

“I see, thank you”, Taehyung says, nuzzling his nose into the crook of Jungkook’s neck.

“Tae, behave”, Jungkook warns and wiggles out of the hug gently. 

“I am. I just wanted to smell you”, Taehyung defends himself.

Jungkook scoffs in amusement, placing the cooking towel aside.

“I’m washing up now. Take out the bread once the timer’s done and check on the potatoes. Don’t touch anything you have no idea how to cook.” 

“You are mean”, Taehyung calls after him. 

Jungkook chuckles. The door closes moments later.

Taehyung looks around the kitchen. Jungkook prepared sandwiches with various fillings, as well as rice rolls with vegetables from the garden. He also has potatoes for a salad boiling happily and seems to bake small baguettes in the oven. 

Taehyung straightens up after looking into the oven, scratching his head in thinking. He has no idea what he could contribute to the picnic. He can’t cook and the one thing he can make - sandwiches – Jungkook already made. 

Perhaps. Taehyung’s eyes light up. Perhaps he could try his luck with pancakes again. He must be better at them these days. He just must. 

With this glorious plan in mind, Taehyung begins his contribution to the picnic.

Jungkook hurries downstairs.

“What’s burning?” he asks worriedly.

Taehyung has his sleeves rolled up by now and his hair dishevelled just a little.

“Don’t look.”

“Tae, what did you do?”

“Don’t come here.”

Jungkook reaches his side, looking at the stack of burned pancakes. He looks at them with big eyes.

“How can you burn them so bad?” he gasps.

“I swear I did everything right. I worked so diligently on getting them golden”, Taehyung says and pouts, “I’m sorry. I know you told me not to do anything, but I still did.” 

Jungkook laughs, patting his butt gently.

“Hey, it’s okay. Don’t apologise. At least you tried. And look, you made five nice ones. That’s an improvement.”

Taehyung’s eyes light up, “that’s right. I did manage to make five nice ones.” 

“Good job, Tae”, Jungkook praises and pats his butt, “also, you took out the bread and potatoes at the right time.”

“I even cut them. Can you see?” 

“I can. Good job. They’re cut very nicely.”

Taehyung scrunches his nose.

“Thank you so much.”

“Now can you get me the salt and pepper? We need to marinate this salad. It’s gonna be so good.” 

“Yes, of course. I can get you spices”, Taehyung says and begins working with sparkly eyes. 

Jungkook studies him. He looks so happy and content now that he can be helpful. Jungkook smiles. He likes seeing Taehyung like this. 

“Should I put them in already?” 

“Yes, go careful. We don’t want it to be too salty.”

Taehyung goes careful, sticking out his tongue in concentration. He sprinkles salt over the potatoes, looking at Jungkook once his fingers are empty.

“Was that good?”

“That was perfect.”

Taehyung’s eyes sparkle. 

“Go ahead and put the pepper in it as well, I’m getting the stuff for the sauce.”

Taehyung sings to the radio as he works. Jungkook listens to him with warmth in his chest. He is always the one others take care of, others baby and coddle and try to help. And while Jungkook likes being coddled, he also sometimes really needs to feel as if he could guide someone, as if he is the one being needed. He really likes what he has going on with Taehyung right now. 

He returns with his hands full, looking into the salad.

“And?” Taehyung asks with expectant eyes.

“Looks good. You’ve done so well”, Jungkook praises.

“Thank you, wow”, Taehyung rests his head against Jungkook’s arm.

“Do you want to do something else?”

“Yes. I want to.”

“Why don’t you make a pretty charcuterie box? I’m sure someone like you can make pretty boxes.”

“Yes, oh I love charcuterie boards. Why a box?”

“So we can take it with us.”

“I see. I understand. I am going to make it very prettily. Just you wait, I will work very hard on it.”

“I’m sure you will.”

The two men share lovely silence like this. Jungkook finishes the potato salad and makes little wraps with a savoury filling, while Taehyung works hard on perfecting the charcuterie box. Jungkook also cuts up some fruits and puts grandma’s pie into a container, while Taehyung still works on his box. And as Jungkook fills the picnic basket with the food, cutlery and plates, Taehyung still works on his box. 

Jungkook allows him this time, eventhough he feels stressed about it. He is someone who likes to move fast, work quickly and finish a lot in little time. He would have finished this box ages ago, but he knows not to comment on it. Taehyung needs it. Jungkook knows way better than one might assume, how important such small moments of quiet are to a traumatised mind. 

So he lets Taehyung work and busies himself with cleaning instead. Taehyung doesn’t notice until Jungkook wipes the counter a little to his right. He lifts his head, looking around the room with big eyes.

“Am I taking too long?”

“It’s okay. Take your time.”

“I am sorry, I am almost finished. I, I am trying to get all the details right.”

“It’s okay, take your time. We still have all day”, Jungkook assures him with a chaste kiss to his jawline, “I’m gonna pop into the garden real quick and ask grandma if they have painting supplies. Take your time, okay?”

Taehyung nods his head, lowering it shyly afterwards.

“Take your time, okay? You’re doing well.”

Taehyung has finished his charcuterie box, as well as finished packing the basket when Jungkook comes back inside with your grandmother. They are talking about painting as she shows him what they could take for their picnic. Once all supplies are packed, they leave the cottage to finally go on their forest adventure. Jungkook carries everything because he finished putting on his shoes sooner than Taehyung. The latter jogs so he could open the garden door. 

“Thank you”, Jungkook says and enters the forest path. 

Taehyung closes the door, then does another light jog to catch up with Jungkook.

“Should I help you?” he offers, trying to reach for the heavy picnic basket.

“It’s okay, I can manage”, Jungkook says as he carries it with ease. It doesn’t feel heavy to him at all.

“At least let me carry the blanket.”

“It’s fine, seriously.” 

“I feel so useless now.”

Jungkook ogles him and gives up with a sigh.

“Actually, maybe you could carry the blanket. It’s kinda heavy.”

“Of course”, Taehyung says and takes it happily. He throws it over his shoulder, giving Jungkook a shy grin. One Jungkook retorts. 

Their adventure takes them past the lake you and Yoongi are spending time together at. The sound of someone cutting wood fills the air. 

“So this is where she went”, Taehyung says. 

“I guess so, yeah”, Jungkook agrees.

The two men slow down and linger in hiding. Yoongi is cutting wood while you are on the blanket reading a book. You and he seem peaceful and truly lost in your own little world.

“Should we join them?” 

“No, let’s give them their privacy.” 

“Very well. Then I want to walk along this path”, Taehyung says and takes Jungkook’s hand to lead him away. 

Jungkook looks at their intertwined hands, then at Taehyung’s face. The latter seemed content and as if the sudden skinship felt normal to him. 

“The sunlight looks especially beautiful on this path, wouldn’t you agree?” Taehyung asks, looking at Jungkook. He flusters and pulls his hand away, “forgive me.”

“It’s okay. You didn’t do anything wrong”, Jungkook assures him in a soft voice. 

Taehyung lowers his eyes shyly and reaches for Jungkook’s hand again. Carefully. Just a brush of his fingers to test the waters. Pull away. Cheeks flush. Jungkook reaches out and intertwines his fingers with Taehyung, making the decision for him. 

Taehyung meets his eyes and giggles. 

“Mhm”, Jungkook lets out and smiles fondly. He never imagined Taehyung to be so timid, but he likes that he is. Normally, Jungkook is always the one who everyone wants to baby and call shy. So it is a very nice and welcome change to feel as if he could be the one babying someone. 

He pulls Taehyung just a little closer, “you said the sunlight looks especially nice here?”

“Yes, I did. At least I think it does”, Taehyung says and flusters again, “ah please forgive me”, he gets out, breaking away to hide his face in his hands and giggles. 

“What’s the matter?” Jungkook asks in a chuckle, nudging his arm playfully, “why are you so shy?”

“You make me shy”, Taehyung says and glances at Jungkook, “stop it, please.”

“Why? I’m not even doing anything”, Jungkook complains in laughter, stumbling slightly when Taehyung pushes at his arm softly. 

“Yes, you do. You look at me.”

“Oh? I’m sorry then, it won’t happen again”, Jungkook teases and turns his head away. 

Taehyung rounds him, but Jungkook turns his head away again. 

“No”, Taehyung laughs and rounds Jungkook again only for the latter to turn his head away. 

Taehyung whines and grasps for Jungkook, “don’t do that”, he is laughing. 

Jungkook laughs as well, feeling happy when he can tease Taehyung one more time by turning his head away as the latter tries to get his eye contact. 

“I didn’t mean it”, Taehyung says and cups Jungkook’s face. They fight each other gently. Jungkook could easily win in this realm, but he lets Taehyung win instead, laughing heartily at his adorable attempts to steal a glance. 

Taehyung pulls him closer and rubs his nose against Jungkook’s. Jungkook keeps his eyes closed on purpose.

“Look at me, please”, Taehyung begs in a whisper as his fingers grasp Jungkook’s face almost desperately.

Jungkook opens his eyes. 

Taehyung melts in giddiness instantly, scrunching his nose. He flutters his lashes prettily, letting out a shy giggle.

Jungkook chuckles softly and steals a kiss. 

“You’re adorable right now”, he says, sliding his hand together with Taehyung’s and tugging softly, “come on, the basket’s getting heavy.”

Taehyung follows him with wobbly knees, hugging his arm. He rests his head against Jungkook’s shoulder, twisting the fabric of his shirt mindlessly. He hasn’t felt this way about a man in decades. He feels so entirely silly for it because in the grand scheme of endless time, he has only been with Jungkook for a very short time. Four months ever since Namjoon was defeated to be exact. The two men didn’t have enough time yet to truly get to know each other. Taehyung shouldn’t feel so strongly for him already, but he cannot help himself. Courting Jungkook makes Taehyung feel like a giddy, young queer again. He hasn’t felt this way in forever.

He keeps these thoughts to himself however because he fears to be too much. That is why he shied away from holding his hand or why he didn’t dare to call it a date. Yes, Jungkook is very openly and proudly bisexual, but Taehyung doesn’t want to be the reason why Jungkook could question it in a negative way. Taehyung truly feels that he could make him question it. Oh, he feels so insecure lately. As if he was a desperate, pitiful beggar asking for something he wasn’t worthy of. 

Taehyung lifts his head from Jungkook’s shoulder, deepening the hand holding. He gulps. They begin again. The painful thoughts. They have been haunting him for months. They keep him up at night and steal his desire to be creative. The once beautiful sunlight is invisible to him right now. Jungkook’s hand in his’ feels like an act of pity. Taehyung wants to gulp, but can’t because his throat is beginning to constrict. 

“Look. What do you think of this spot?” Jungkook asks and slows down on a small clearing. A patch of grass is stretching its green arms to the sunlight. Small forest flowers break up the lush green in specks of white and yellow. The spot is romantic and intimate. Jungkook knows that Taehyung will like it, so he gets worried when the latter doesn’t answer him.

He looks at him. Taehyung is staring into nothingness with glassy eyes. He is at the same time breathing heavily and not breathing at all.

“Tae?” Jungkook tries, giving his hand a gentle shake.

Taehyung doesn’t react, so Jungkook tries again.

“Taehyung?” he says a little louder.

When Taehyung doesn’t react again, he places himself in front of him and cups his cheeks.

“Taehyung, hey.”

Taehyung flinches, blinking his eyes a few times before they finally focus on Jungkook.

“I lost you for a moment. Are you okay?” 

Taehyung grows embarrassed instantly, “please forgive me”, he whispers, trying to lower his head, but Jungkook doesn’t let him.

“Don’t apologise, you didn’t do anything wrong”, he assures him and brushes his thumb over his cheeks, “what’s the matter? Where did you go when I lost you?”

Taehyung shakes his head.

“You can’t say yet?”

He nods his head.

“Is it too painful?” 

He hesitates, but nods his head in the end.

“I understand. Well, I’m glad that you’re back again and if you want to, you can talk to me.” 

Taehyung nods his head and leans into Jungkook’s touch. He closes his eyes and sighs in relief.

“Now. What do you think of this spot? I think it’s very romantic”, Jungkook asks in order to take his mind off of whatever haunted him before. 

Taehyung peels his eyes open and looks around for a bit. His face gains a happy glow as more and more seconds pass and soon, he carries an honest smile on his lips. 

“I love this spot. It is so romantic”, he says.

“Yeah, right? Let’s set up our picnic here. Come on, teamwork. we’ll put down the blanket together.”

“Yes, alright”, Taehyung says with newly found joy in his voice. 

The two men work perfectly together to prepare the picnic. They lay out the blanket, put down a few pillows and spread out the containers of food. Jungkook hands them to him and Taehyung opens the lids. It is truly perfect teamwork and only a few moments later, the picnic is set up. 

Jungkook and Taehyung are facing each other because it naturally happened this way. Obviously, both men have their shoes off. Jungkook leans back on his hands and stretches out his legs.

“Ah”, he sighs contently, “that’s life. Picnics in nature are the best.” 

He closes his eyes and tilts his face up into the sun. The light feels warm on his skin, filling him with a sense of freedom. He missed the sunlight so much. In the real world, he can’t stay in it for too long because his sensitive eyes would begin aching way too much. Jungkook really treasures the sunny moments here.

Taehyung watches him with a racing heart. Every single inch of his face is perfect. His jawline, his chin, his lips, his nose and forehead. The way his eyes look closed and how his cheeks are so soft. Because he is human in this world, Jungkook’s skin finally looks alive again. It is golden in the sunlight. Taehyung doesn’t exaggerate. He truly thinks that his skin looks as if made out of pure gold. 

Taehyung reaches for his paper and gouache paints and begins sketching what he sees. Taehyung imagines everything in shapes of different colours when he paints. Humans, animals, nature and architecture are basically all just made up of different shapes in different colours to him, which he will replicate in his art until it shows what he sees. Taehyung thinks that Jungkook’s shapes are the most beautiful shapes he has seen in a man’s face in a long time. 

Jungkook moves out of the position when he doesn’t hear Taehyung after a few moments. Worry is prominent in his eyes, he must have thought Taehyung was lost in painful thoughts again.

“What are you doing?” he asks him, studying him.

Taehyung lifts his head and widens his eyes.

“Please don’t move. I am not done yet.”

“Are you drawing me?”

“Yes, please move back to how you were before.”

Jungkook chuckles and does as he is told.

“Like this?”

“No, not like this. Tilt it further.”

Jungkook fixes his head.

“Like this?” 

“No, wait”, Taehyung says and gets on his knees so he could reach for Jungkook’s head. He fixes his position in his stead, oblivious to Jungkook’s eyes on him until he goes to fix the strands of hair on his forehead. Jungkook is smiling at him, letting his pretty eyes run over his face. There is fond playfulness sparkling in them.

Taehyung flusters, pulling his fingers away. 

“Forgive me. I didn’t ask for permission to touch”, he whispers, feeling mesmerised by Jungkook’s eyes.

Jungkook stays quiet, which makes Taehyung nervous.

“I am sorry”, he says, “really.”

Jungkook reaches up and brushes the back of his hand over Taehyung’s chin.

“You’re so handsome”, he whispers.

“What?” Taehyung breathes, feeling lightheaded.

“You’re so handsome”, Jungkook says and smiles, tracing his thumb over Taehyung’s lips.

They part. His eyes lower. His cheeks flush.

“Oh god”, Taehyung presses out and falls back with his face hidden in his hands, “please stop it.”

“Why? You’re normally not that shy.”

“Because you aren’t like this normally.”

“I don’t know what you’re saying. I’m just as I always am.” 

“No you are not, you are looking at me.”

“Why am I not allowed to look at you?” Jungkook laughs and closes the distance between them to overwhelm Taehyung. He pushes him to his back, grabbing his wrists to pin them above his head. 

“Ah”, Taehyung moans softly, having to gasp for air afterwards. 

Jungkook is pinning him down, staring so deeply into his eyes, Taehyung feels dizzy. 

“Mhm? Why am I not allowed to look at you?” Jungkook whispers in a slight rasp. 

“I, I”, Taehyung stutters, but can’t think of anything to say.

Jungkook chuckles and places a kiss on Taehyung’s jawline. The latter arches his back and sighs, parting his legs for something which never comes. 

“You’re so cute, Tae”, Jungkook whispers and breaks away to return to the pose.

Taehyung needs a few moments to function again. He lies still on the blanket, staring at the sky with a racing heart. The spot Jungkook kissed is tingling uncontrollably, his stomach is spilling over with butterflies. He is done for, isn’t he? 

In the past, Taehyung was the one to fluster Jungkook, to steal his breath and make him malfunction with just a touch. Not anymore, not when true feelings are involved. Nothing but a look is already enough to mess up his thoughts, a touch truly renders him useless. Taehyung is so done for.

“Are you going to paint me?” Jungkook asks. 

“Forgive me, I”, Taehyung sits up and tries to fix his hair. His fingers shake a little as he reaches for his brush, “ye-yes I am. Please uhm, please hold still.”

Jungkook chuckles, “you’re so cute”, he says and closes his eyes.

They spent quiet like this, but it is never truly silent. The song of birds, the humming of insects and the rushing of the wind keeps them company. Taehyung’s brush makes a faint sound as he guides it over the paper. It doesn’t take him long to finish his sketch. He has been painting for more than eight hundred years after all.

“You are allowed to move again.”

“Yeah? Did I turn out well?” Jungkook asks and tries to look.

“No peeking”, Taehyung says and moves the paper away, “I want to finish it first.”

“Alright, if you say so”, Jungkook chuckles and sits back. He shifts his eyes to the picnic, “you don’t mind if I start eating, do you?”

“No, go ahead.” 

“Mhhm nice. Oh all of that looks so yummy. Mhm what should I take first? Uh gimbap”, Jungkook mumbles to himself as he fills his plate with a variety of foods.

Once his plate is finished, he prepares one for Taehyung as well. He places it next to him, laughing when he moves the paper away panickedly.

“I wasn’t tryna peek, just made you food.”

“Oh. Thank you”, Taehyung says with a blush. 

“Enjoy”, Jungkook says and pecks his pink cheek, before sitting back to begin eating. 

He does so with his eyes scanning over the scenic view. The sunlight breaks through the leaf canopy perfectly so that the sun rays are visible. There are small bugs and butterflies fluttering in the lights. 

“I think I wanna paint the forest”, Jungkook says and busies himself by setting up his painting station. He makes breaks for snacking every now and then.

“The forest is a wonderful motive”, Taehyung murmurs with his mouth stuffed with food. He truly enjoys the taste. Jungkook is a very talented cook.

“Yeah, I agree. Have you been painting for long?” 

“Yes, all my life. Even when I was still human, I painted in my spare time.”

“Damn, then you’ve been painting for forever.”

“I truly enjoy it. Painting, or art in general, brings me great peace of mind. I find myself truly zone out whenever I create art.”

“I get that. My brain sorta shuts off too when I paint.”

“So you paint as well?”

“I do, yeah. Just not as passionately as you.”

“I see. Did you paint as a human as well?” 

“No, not really. I was more of a drawing kinda guy back then. I always loved the sketches I did, but hated colouring them. I honestly still do. I prefer to draw than to paint.” 

“I see. I really love drawing as well, but I prefer painting.”

“It suits you.”

“What does that mean?” Taehyung asks, meeting Jungkook’s eyes.

“Just that painting suits you”, he smiles, “it’s a compliment.”

“Oh”, he flusters, looking away, “thank you.”

Jungkook feels warm fondness in his chest for Taehyung. He is genuinely so cute when he flusters.

“Okay, idea. What are your top five art forms?” he asks because he wants to keep talking to him.

“My top five art forms?” 

“Yes, painting, sculpting, stuff like that. What are your top five? They don’t have to be in order, just what do you love the most?” 

“No one ever asked me that before.”

“I thought it could be fun. Normal date questions can be so boring.”

Taehyung flusters. A date. He is truly on a date. He almost forgets about his answer because of how giddy he feels.

“Well then, uhm”, he begins, “I would say that painting is my most favourite, I enjoy pottery a great deal and the entire process of painting the pieces. I would also consider embroidery to be one of my favourites.”

“Embroidery?”

“Yes, I like it.”

“That’s so cool. I never tried embroidery before, but I think it’s such an impressive art skill.”

Taehyung studies Jungkook’s features. Jungkook doesn’t hate him, does he? He is actually interested in him. Taehyung doesn’t need to feel like a pitiful beggar because there is nothing he needs to beg for with Jungkook. He gives him attention and interest willingly. Taehyung cannot put his feelings into words yet, but what Jungkook is doing right now feels healing to Taehyung. 

“It is so much fun. I really love it”, Taehyung says and takes a deep breath. The air filling his lungs feels so good all of a sudden. 

“You have to show me how to do it one day. I would love to learn.”

“Yes. Yes, I can teach you”, Taehyung says, bouncing on the spot excitedly. 

Jungkook grins, “awesome. I’ll take you up on your offer then. Now back to the question, give me two more.”

Jungkook is so interested in him. Holy fuck, Taehyung feels like finally diving up for air after an endless battle under water. He talks with his heart racing addictingly in his chest.

“I would also say that I enjoy writing poetry a great deal and my fifth thing would be” he thinks for a moment, “does music count?”

“Of course it does.”

“Then I would say that I truly enjoy music. Making it or writing it. I love it.”

“These are good answers. They fit you all so well.”

Taehyung blushes. They fit him. His favourite art fits him. 

“Thank you”, he whispers with a racing pulse. This is what being human is about. Racing heartbeats because of love.

“Now ask me a question. Let’s make a game out of it. We take turns asking questions.”

“Oh, I love this idea. I shall think of a question.”

“Don’t be shy. Every question is allowed. Even dirty ones.”

Taehyung blushes, “don’t say that.”

Jungkook laughs.

Taehyung takes in the sound and puts it into his memory drawer of favourite things. He studies Jungkook for a moment. He wants to get the first question right. Jungkook’s first question was so perfect that Taehyung doesn’t want to disappoint. Jungkook bites off from his sandwich. Food! Taehyung has the first question!

“Have you been cooking for long?” 

“Yes, I liked to occasionally cook as a human, then had to give it up for a while because of my curse, but when I moved in with Seokjin and Hoseok joined us, I picked it up again.”

“That is so wonderful. I never learned how to cook.”

“I can teach you.”

“Oh? Oh no”, Taehyung shakes his head and laughs, “it’s rotten work.”

“Not to me.” 

Taehyung stops laughing. He meets Jungkook’s eyes. The latter smiles sweetly.

“Not to me it’s not. I can teach you”, he says. 

Something inside Taehyung snaps. Or shifts into its rightful place. Whatever the case, Taehyung cannot take the feelings in his chest and so he acts. 

He closes the distance between him and Jungkook, grasping his face to pull him into a kiss. A kiss so passionate he feels tears well up in his eyes.

“Mhm”, Jungkook lets out in surprise, closing his eyes after a few moments of baffled blinking. 

He laughs into the kiss, combing his fingers through Taehyung’s hair. The kiss is so passionate. So desperate. Filled with such urgent pleas. Jungkook soon feels his composure falter. He was never kissed like this before. He was kissed with passion, with desire, with desperation, with warm love and adoration, but he was never kissed with such suffocating urgency before. He was never kissed as if it was the only remedy to an ache unknown, as if his lips carried the only spark of life a dying flame clings to.

When Taehyung breaks the kiss, Jungkook feels just a little out of it. Not in a sexual way, but in a deeply emotional way. His lips still taste his kiss, his scalp still feels the paths his fingers took. 

“Can I be yours?” Taehyung whispers shakily, resting his forehead against Jungkook’s.

“Tae…”

“Please. I, I know I am rushing it. I know that I am too much and that I am not easiest to like, but-”

Jungkook places his finger against Taehyung’s lips. Taehyung exhales shakily.

“Tae, why are you asking this? You’re already mine.”

“I am?” 

Jungkook nods his head, breaking away from him just so he can cup his cheek. Taehyung gazes up at him, holding his breath. The adoration in Jungkook’s eyes is honest and goes so very deep.

“You’ve been mine for months. Do you think that I see this as a casual fling?”

“I don’t know”, Taehyung whispers.

“Well, I don’t. I don’t do flings, I do it seriously or I don’t do it at all. You’ve been mine for months now.” 

“Oh”, Taehyung lets out and overwhelmed by his feelings, he falls around Jungkook’s neck in a tight hug.

Jungkook chuckles fondly, hugging him back.

“I was so worried.”

“I could tell. Don’t be anymore, I want this to be serious just as much as you do.”

Taehyung lets out a relieved laugh and buries his face in the crook of Jungkook’s neck. He sobs softly afterwards, grabbing a bundle of his hair to hold it for support. He needs it. He would be lost without it.

“Hey, what’s the matter? Why are you crying?” Jungkook asks worriedly.

“I haven’t felt like this for a man in decades. I feel so young again. So, so…so…I feel so alive.” 

“You’re so sweet, Tae. I feel really happy as well.” 

Taehyung sits back on his feet, taking Jungkook’s hands. His glassy eyes never leave his’, racing between them in adoring obsession.

“I love being queer when I can feel this way.”

“You do?”

Taehyung nods his head, “I witnessed many phases of humanity and how it handled us. Most weren’t good. But the way you make me feel makes me so happy to be who I am.” 

“Really?”

“Yes. Oh yes, I am so happy. I am queer”, he spills tears, smiling, “I am queer and I am free and I, I”, he falters, furrowing his brows as his lower lip trembles.

“Go on”, Jungkook encourages him in a whisper, thumb caressing his knuckles slowly.

“I am in love with you. I am so deeply in love with you that I could fill galaxies with it. This isn’t desire. I could go without sleeping with you if that is what you asked. I could miss out on sex. I could. I, I truly could be-because what makes me happiest is being with you.”

Taehyung fights for air before he continues.

“You have no idea what this means. I live for sex, I enjoy it, I desire it, I need it. But if we never made love again, I wouldn’t miss it because I could still be with you. I love you so much that I finally know what it is to love.” 

Silence. Taehyung is panting for air. Jungkook studies his face.

“God Tae”, he says “you really held back on a lot, didn’t you?”

Taehyung shies away. His chest tightens. He was too much. Came off as overbearing and as if he wanted to bury Jungkook in love. 

“I’m sorry”, he chokes out.

“No, god I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it in a negative way. I’m happy that you are letting it out. I wanna be someone you can share your feelings with safely”, Jungkook says and tilts his head up so their eyes reconnect, “okay?”

Taehyung nods his head, feeling the warmth return to his chest. 

“I’m happy to be queer as well, Tae. I grew up in a very conservative, queerphobic time, so to be surrounded by people like us and to have the opportunity to love freely, makes me so happy to be queer.” 

Taehyung agrees with a nod of his head. 

“And I love spending time with you as well. You are cute and gentle and you have a good heart. I know you’re older than me, but I want to protect you and take care of you. It makes my heart race and I know it’s because I’m falling in love with you, I can feel that I am.” 

“You do? You really do?” 

“I do”, Jungkook smiles, “I don’t lie about love. If I say something, I mean it.”

“Oh”, Taehyung gets out and hugs him, “I’m so happy.”

The two men hug for quite a while. They settle back in their places after the hug, but sit a lot closer together. Their knees are touching at all times, sometimes Taehyung or Jungkook reaches over to caress the other’s leg. Taehyung can’t stop sneaking glances at Jungkook and neither can the latter. It feels good to know that the other felt the same.

“Were you in a queer relationship before our poly family?” Taehyung asks and picks his paint brush back up. He can barely paint. He is so giddy that his hand is shaking in a positive way.

“No”, Jungkook shakes his head, “the only relationship I had before our poly family was with my human sweetheart. Otherwise, I wasn’t in any kind of relationship before our poly family. I tried not to kill people by staying away from them.” 

“I see. I am sorry. Life must be so lonely as a Ripper or Glutton.” 

“It really fucking is”, Jungkook says and despite his words, smiles at Taehyung, “but I’m not lonely anymore. I have our family. My past was sad, but my present isn’t anymore.” 

Taehyung smiles, “that is so good to hear. You deserve it.” 

“Thanks. Yeah”, Jungkook says and looks at his painting. He looks just a little shy. Shy, but also content. 

Taehyung studies his face for a little while, enjoying the way his heart races in his chest. He reaches out and caresses his leg. 

“So you didn’t even try anything with Hoseok or Seokjin?” he asks.

Jungkook lowers his paint brush, looking at the trees as he thinks. 

“Not really? Not actual sex at least. I was too out of control, I would have just ended up ripping their heads off.”

“I see. How terrible.”

Jungkook agrees with a nod of his head.

“We did cuddle a lot, but that’s not queer, that’s just being really good friends.”

“Of course. Good friends can cuddle just as well as partners can.”

“Exactly”, Jungkook smiles fondly, “I love them both so much. They saved me. I think I would have killed myself eventually if I had never met them.” 

Taehyung furrows his brows. Jungkook meets his worried eyes. He touches the side of his neck awkwardly.

“I know, heavy stuff. Sorry.” 

“Don’t apologise. Please don’t ever apologise for that”, Taehyung insists, shaking his head, “I understand. You had no support system, killed against your will and had to cope with it alone. Of course your situation drove you to consider suicide. I am so happy that you held out for as long as you did, so you could meet them. This world would have been a sad one without you in it. You are such a strong person, you truly are.”

Jungkook lowers his eyes, touching his chest.

“Well fuck, nobody ever called me a strong person for this. It took so much strength to keep going, so uhm, yeah. Thanks. Seriously, thanks.”

Taehyung holds Jungkook’s hand gently.

“I was truthful”, he whispers.

“I know”, Jungkook whispers as well, lifting his eyes.

Taehyung gazes at him, giving him a shy smile the moment their eyes meet. Jungkook leans in to place a soft kiss on Taehyung’s lips. The latter receives it with a fluttering heart. Jungkook pulls back afterwards, giving him a grin. He picks his paintbrush back up and continues painting. 

Taehyung looks at him for just a second longer before continuing his painting as well. 

“So who was your first ever queer experience?”

“Yoongi.”

“Indeed?” 

“Yeah. God, it’s so embarrassing to think about because I was so out of control back then”, Jungkook says as he has to laugh.

“Really? Tell me about it”, Taehyung snickers as well.

“God, it’s so embarrassing. We didn’t even try a lot. He just touched my cock and I already spiralled. I called him a fucker and tried to rip his jugular out.”

“Oh heavens.”

“Yeah, he had to use force to pin me down and then used his compulsion to calm me down. I kept snapping at him and growling like a fucking idiot. I was such a mess back then”, Jungkook says and laughs.

Taehyung joins him, staring at his lips the entire time.

“That does indeed sound like a very wild time.”

“It was. It really was. God”, Jungkook snorts in amusement, “I felt so bad afterwards and kept crying and beating myself up about it, but Yoongi stayed calm and comforted me. That’s why I can laugh about it these days. It could have become another bad memory, but I look back at it fondly.”

“Of course. It shows how far you have come.”

Jungkook meets Taehyung’s eyes in surprise. He understands.

“Exactly. Yeah, that’s right”, he breathes.

Taehyung smiles shyly, lowering his eyes at his painting. He feels giddy when Jungkook looks at him. He really does.

Jungkook studies his face for a few more moments. He starts to understand what Taehyung means. He hasn’t really felt this way about another man ever and it is a very good feeling. He feels really young and giddy this way. 

“Did you always know that you weren’t hetero?” Taehyung asks.

“Mhm, I don’t know. I don’t think so”, Jungkook says, looking at the trees as he thinks, “I honestly felt really happy in my heterosexuality when I was human and I also didn’t really consider other men as attractive. Of course I could see that some were handsome, but I wasn’t attracted to them.” 

“I see. So you discovered yourself when you were already turned.”

“I did, yeah. And you? You told me once that you first thought that you were just gay.”

“I told you that?”

“Yeah, in the car. After we hate fucked.”

Taehyung laughs, Jungkook does as well.

“You remember this all this time?” 

“Of course I do.”

“Oh”, Taehyung says and lowers his eyes. 

Jungkook watches him with growing worry in his chest. He keeps making himself small with each confirmation that Jungkook feels the same. As if he didn’t want to believe that he was worthy of affection. 

“Is it my turn to ask you a question?” Jungkook asks him.

Taehyung nods his head, still staring at his hands.

“What troubles you lately?” 

Taehyung looks up in shock.

“This is your question?” 

Jungkook nods his head. 

Taehyung looks away. He stays silent for a long time, losing himself deep in his thoughts. What isn’t troubling him? How does he put something into words which he doesn’t understand either? He can’t find an answer in the end.

“Can you please ask something else?” 

“That’s okay, I can do that”, Jungkook assures him, “how many queer relationships were you in before our poly family?” 

Taehyung relaxes again.

“Serious or casual?” 

“Both.”

“Oh heavens, casual way too many to count. I am quite frankly, such a whore.”

Jungkook laughs, Taehyung does as well.

“As for serious, I would say that I had four serious relationships before our poly family.”

“Four you say? Are they still alive?”

“No, they were all human. I loved them all very much. Their loss ached very deeply.”

“I can imagine. I’m so sorry, Tae.”

“I have healed from it”, he assures him and leans in to kiss him.

Jungkook lets it happen with a fluttering heart. He gazes when the kiss breaks.

“What was that for?” he whispers 

“Because I feel so happy to be with you”, Taehyung whispers.

“I see. Then I gotta steal one too, don’t I?” he says and takes Taehyung’s cheeks to use them as leverage to push him onto the blanket. Taehyung falls with a laugh. 

They shove and push the picnic and paintings aside, losing themselves in the kiss seconds later. They will be lost in it for a long time. They will use this time in the sweetest, most healing way possible with tangled limbs and dancing lips, mixing in innocent touches and sighs of each other’s names. 

And they will make each other feel good. It will feel so incredibly good to them that their hearts will beat in sync through it all. And it will be innocent. It will be the sweet, innocent exchange of touches between two people who are so freely themselves when they are together.

The sun is in the midst of setting already when Taehyung feels the need to share what had burdened him for months. A blanket cocoons them in, keeping their bodies warm in the sinking temperatures. They are on their backs, watching the sky change colours. Jungkook’s body is touching Taehyung’s, sharing warmth this way. Jungkook has his arm stretched to the side, Taehyung is resting his head on it.

“Can you keep secrets?” Taehyung whispers.

“I tend to forget a lot of what other people tell me, so I can definitely keep a secret because I’ll forget it again.”

Taehyung laughs loudly, craning his neck to look at Jungkook.

“I mean it”, Jungkook snickers. 

“I know, I just thought that it was funny.”

“Yeah, I know”, Jungkook grins, “now what’s up? What secret do you wanna tell me?” 

Taehyung rolls his head back into a more comfortable position. Despite his muscles, Jungkook’s arm is very comfortable to rest on.

“I think it is more of an empty talk about my feelings than an actual secret.”

“That’s okay too. I can listen.” 

“I sometimes dream of being controlled. Of being told what to do, how to act, where to sit or stand or lie, what to wear. I dream of it. Dream of having every single aspect of my life dictated.”

Jungkook looks at Taehyung with slightly widened eyes, while the latter is too lost in his rant to notice.

“And the thing is? I haven’t figured out whether it is a trauma thing or not. For many, many centuries I didn’t have freedom and lived under constant mind control. I had someone controlling me, but he hurt me as well. A lot.”

“It’s okay”, Jungkook whispers and holds Taehyung’s hand. He heard the tremble in his voice and needed to be there for him. 

Taehyung speaks easier with Jungkook’s support.

“I shouldn’t want to be controlled again, but I still dream of it. I truly do. I want to put myself into the hands of another and let them decide what is best for me. Is this wrong of me?” 

“You asked me too quickly. I need to think about it for a little.”

“No, please. This was just a rhetorical question, please don’t tell me your stance on it.”

“Why not? It could be good.”

“And if it is not? I cannot bear to be ridiculed, I am not stable enough for it.”

Jungkook looks at Taehyung, the latter can’t bear to meet his eyes.

“Are you currently having a hard time?” Jungkook asks quietly. 

“I think I might”, Taehyung confesses, “it hasn’t been that long since our situation has truly calmed down and I feel very lost these days.”

“You do?” 

Taehyung nods his head, “my life is so different to how it once was. All of our lives are. In the past, Yoongi rarely left his wing, let alone conversed with us, but these days he is spending time with us and talking with us. You, ___, Seokjin, Hoseok and Emma weren’t part of my life either and suddenly you live with us. Peace was never truly lasting for Jimin and me, but now it is our new reality. I am aware that our dynamic changed when we travelled the lands in search for Namjoon, but I feel like we didn’t have time yet to truly bond.”

“We didn’t have time yet to make sense of our situation.”

“Exactly. We didn’t have time yet to truly let it set in. At least this is how I feel. I feel so lost because everything changed so much and now I do not know what to do. How do I live freely? How do I find happiness? How do I…”

Taehyung looks away, touching his chest.

“How do I heal?” he whispers.  

“God Tae”, Jungkook whispers and rolls to his side. He gets on his elbow, closing the distance to Taehyung to place a tender kiss on his temple. He hugs his head gently, massaging his scalp slowly and keeping his lips against his temple. 

“I do not know how to live my life now that I am free and I think that it gives me a hard time. I am restless and nervous and scared to settle. What if I settle and then something ruins it again? What if I make peace with the fact that I am free only to be captured again? What if I allow myself to heal only to be hurt again? What if”, Taehyung gulps, reaching for Jungkook’s chest, “Jungkook, I think I might struggle more than I initially thought. My heart is beating uncomfortably. I don’t like this sensation, my throat is so tight.”

“You’re safe. You’re in the beginning of a panic attack, but you’re safe”, Jungkook comforts him, rubbing his chest in slow circles, “try to follow my breathing. I know it’s difficult, but you’re not gonna die. Promise.” 

Taehyung listens to Jungkook’s comforting words and finds healing in breathing with him. He felt smothered by his thoughts. Small, fragile and incapable of carrying their weight, but breathing helps. His pulse, which once tortured him, becomes bearable again. The rope once tightening around his throat dissolves again. 

“There we go”, Jungkook caresses his cheek, “you did it. I’m so proud of you.”

Taehyung closes his eyes and leans into Jungkook’s palm. 

“How did you know what was happening to me?”

“Experience. I didn’t have the easiest life as a human once I was drafted. I had a lot of panic attacks in the barracks and the trenches and I helped many of my comrades as well.”

“I see.”

“That’s why I’m so sorry that you feel this way. I understand how you feel so well.” 

“You do?”

“Of course. When something changes you as a person as drastically as trauma does, it is difficult to relearn yourself. And it’s only natural to feel restless and lost in calm moments when your life consisted of pain and trauma for so long.”

Jungkook brushes Taehyung’s tears away.

“I know that our traumas aren’t the same, but I also felt like you feel right now when I first had a holiday from the frontlines. Life back home was relatively normal, nobody changed drastically and I should have found peace in resting, but I couldn’t. I had changed. I woke up screaming, crying and throwing up from my nightmares, every loud sound felt like torture to me, my sweetheart’s affection made me uncomfortable and I kept shaking even in calm moments. My family had no idea how to help me and I had no idea how to live a peaceful life anymore because peace felt like mockery to me after everything I went through at the frontlines.” 

“I’m so sorry. Oh Kook, war is terrible. I hate that men never learn. It shouldn’t happen. It never should have. What an awful way to solve disagreements. What an awful, inhuman way.” 

“I agree”, Jungkook says and rests his forehead against Taehyung’s, “but what I want to say by sharing this part of me, is that you’re not alone. Our traumas may have different origins, but I understand how lost you feel in the peace and how anxious this makes you.” 

Taehyung whimpers softly, spilling tears against his will. Jungkook wipes them, keeping close to Taehyung.

“It gets easier, I promise. I never officially returned from the war because I became a Ripper before that, but I still experienced trauma afterwards and when I began to settle with Seokjin, I felt just as lost again because peace wasn’t an option for so long. It gets easier with time, I promise.”

“How long did it take you?”

“A few years.”

“Oh”, Taehyung gets out and sobs softly, “years.”

“It could be different for you. I wasn’t in control back, so obviously I didn’t have absolute peace. But your situation is different and maybe it won’t take you years to be comfortable in the peace. Oh Tae, it’s okay. Let it all out”, Jungkook says and works diligently to wipe every tear Taehyung spills. 

“I don’t know why I am crying.”

“It’s okay. That’s all part of the healing. Let it happen.” 

And so Taehyung cries. He cries in grief for the person he could have been if he had never gone through hell. He cries in relief from being freed of this hell. And he cries in sweet realisation that he wasn’t alone in this, that he had Jungkook offering him comfort. He cries for many reasons and it felt good to do so. 

His thoughts are clearer after the cry, his chest not that heavy. 

Jungkook changed positions by now, resting on his side propped up on his elbow and with his hand drying his tears. 

Taehyung rolls to his side, looking up at him. He stopped crying many breaths ago. Jungkook still cradles his cheek and brushes his thumb under his eyes slowly.

“I feel better”, Taehyung whispers.

“That’s good to hear. You did really well. I know crying sucks, but it’s so healthy for you. Don’t ever hold it back.”

“It’s overwhelming sometimes.”

“That’s understandable. Come to me whenever you feel like crying. I’ll pay you company as you do.”

“What if it happens often?”

“Then I’ll pay you company until often turns into occasionally and sometimes until it finally turns into rarely.” 

“Oh.”

Jungkook brushes his thumb over Taehyung’s temple.

“You’re not a burden, Tae. You aren’t too much or overbearing. You never were and never will be. Not for me and not for our family.”

Taehyung places his shaky hands on Jungkook’s chest. 

“Can you control me?” he gets out.

“I’m sorry?” 

“Please can you control me? I don’t know what to do, but you do. Can you be the one to control me?”

Jungkook’s eyes soften.

“Oh Tae”, he whispers, “no, I won’t. You will always be free with me.”

“Please. I’m begging you. I don’t know what to do.”

“Then I’ll be with you as you walk the unknown path.” 

“Oh.”

“I won’t promise you anything like control, because I don’t ever want to take advantage of you, but one thing you can always count on is me. I’ll carry burdens which are too heavy for you, I’ll show you the way and you can always lean on me, okay?”

Taehyung nods his head.

“Okay”, Jungkook says and kisses Taehyung’s forehead. 

Taehyung exhales shakily, chasing the affection with closed eyes.

“Sweetheart”, Jungkook whispers and kisses his lips gently. He had no ulterior motive behind the kiss, no ill intent. But Taehyung is fragile and confused, lost in a situation he knows not to handle healthily.

Taehyung whimpers into the kiss, he chases it, deepens it with trembling lips. His hands slide to Jungkook’s small waist, his breath is instantly quickened, his heart races unbearably. He kneads Jungkook’s waist, touches it, grasps it. He needs to make sure he stays. He needs to stay please. Taehyung whimpers again, lips shaking against Jungkook’s, and then he slides his hands under his shirt to feel his naked skin. 

Jungkook breaks the kiss with a gentle “hey”, followed by a chuckled, “what are you doing?” 

“I’m yours, please I’m yours so, so claim me.”

“Claim you?” 

Taehyung pushes at Jungkook’s chest to gain space. The younger man lets him, gawking at him in confusion. Taehyung hooks his fingers in his own shirt and pulls it over his head.

“Tae, no wait-” 

He is shirtless, panting heavily but his eyes carried discomfort Taehyung wasn’t even aware that he felt it.

“God Tae, what are you doing?” Jungkook gasps.

“Take me, I-I can serve you well”, Taehyung stutters, presenting himself in an arch of his back. There are tears in his eyes and fragility in his voice. 

Jungkook studies his naked torso for a second, exhaling deeply. He takes Taehyung’s discarded shirt and unbuttons it.

Taehyung puts his hands together and presents them to Jungkook, thinking that he wants to tie him up with the shirt. 

But Jungkook doesn’t. Jungkook cradles his hands and holds them one by one as he slides the sleeves back on. He smoothes out the shirt on his back and closes it again in the front. 

“I don’t understand. Do you not want me?”

“I do, just not like this.”

“Is it because I’m human? I, I can make myself pretty, I-”

“No Tae”, Jungkook cups his cheek, silencing his anxious words, “no Tae” he whispers, “you’re beautiful. So incredibly beautiful.” 

Taehyung lowers his eyes. Jungkook continues with the buttons. 

“But you seem unstable to me.”

Taehyung meets Jungkook’s eyes again.

“Consent is more than just believing someone’s words. It’s about reading the situation and I can tell that you don’t really know what you actually want right now.”

Taehyung sniffles in order not to cry. It has been a long time since someone saw him.

“Let’s drink something for now, okay?” Jungkook suggests, rubbing his upper arms soothingly.

Taehyung nods his head.

“Okay. Do you want lemonade?”

“Yes”, he whispers.

“Okay. Me too. I think lemonade is really yummy. You?” Jungkook asks, preparing the fruity drink.

“Me too”, Taehyung whispers, accepting the cup from Jungkook. 

Jungkook clings cups with him, making him giggle and lift his shoulders to his ears in shyness. 

Jungkook smiles at him, draping his arm around his waist.

“I like hearing you giggle, Tae. You’re really cute.”

“I am?”

Jungkook kisses his cheek, “you are.”

Taehyung whimpers and snuggles his face into his neck, squeezing his waist tightly.

“Thank you.”

“It’s the truth. You’re cute.”

“No. Thank you.”

“For what?” 

“For stopping it.”

Jungkook furrows his brows, tightening his jaw. How many people ignored the signs and took advantage of Taehyung’s unstable attempts to “serve”? He shouldn’t thank him. Not for something that should be the bare minimum. Jungkook is a very protective person. Once he loves a person (in whatever form that love comes) he will literally burn the world for them. He feels numbing anger right now, wanting to hurt whoever took advantage of Taehyung. But he doesn’t let it show for Taehyung’s sake, speaking softly with the mentally fragile man.

“You’ll always be safe with me, Tae.” 

“I know”, his voice is shaky as he speaks. 

“It’ll never change. You’re safe and I’m gonna keep you safe.”

Taehyung exhales shakily and while it was shaking, it carried the first indicator of stableness in it. Just a little, just enough that Jungkook knows that all Taehyung really needs right now is a shoulder to lean on and someone being gentle with his words.

“I don’t think I enjoy being dominant as much as I thought I did”, Taehyung confesses quietly.

Jungkook tries to glance at him as best as possible.

“Not in a sexual context, but in general. I crave to be taken care of. I ache for it.”

“That’s nothing to be ashamed of. You are in a vulnerable mental state. It’s okay to want to be taken care of.”

Taehyung lifts his head, looking up at Jungkook with glassy eyes.

“Will you take care of me? Please? At least this?” he asks – begs – him.

“Of course Tae, I’ll take care of you.” 

“Oh god”, Taehyung chokes out and buries his face in Jungkook’s chest, “this felt so good to hear.”

Jungkook closes his arms around him, massaging his scalp slowly.

“Can we stay like this for a while?”

“Yeah, let’s stay like this for a while.”

#taehyung romance #taehyung angst #taehyung fluff #jungkook romance #jungkook fluff #jungkook x taehyung #taehyung x jungkook #bts romance #bts fluff #bangtan romance #bangtan fluff #bangtan x reader #bts x reader #jungkook x reader #taehyung x reader #yoongi x reader #fanfic: caerula luna

[uhgood-girl]

why jikook?

i've been asking myself this a lot recently bc well, why them? why not tkook? or ynmin? hell, jihope even, they're underrated as hell honestly, have you seen that hot tub video? hobi was ready to unhinge his jaw to swallow jimin whole (and who (jk) could blame him.)

but jikook, in a not joking way, hits different. they always have. it's been years at this point that i've been deep in this rabbit hole (within the larger bts rabbit hole, my god, how deep does it go) but i don't recall making the conscious decision to fall in.

maybe a little background?

i'm a fake love army. actually, if we're getting technical, i'm an outro tear army bc it was in the comments of the freshly released fake love music video that i saw someone recommend outro tear if i enjoyed fake love and then it was over for me. extremely not fake love at first listen, who's voice is second on this track? i NEED to know. i'm a yoongi/rapline bias to this day. fake love still fucks though, don't get me wrong, it's a never skip for me.

for that first year and then some, i consumed backlogged content like it was my day job. i am a prone to hyper-fixations hermit, basically, who was going to stop me? my therapist? nah, she picks her battles.

i watched everything i could get my grubby little hands on like someone would be testing me on it later. (shoutout qdeoks, you were so real) i didn't open stan twitter for the first time till probably the end of 2018, really just in time to be slapped in the face full force with the shitshow that was a hate campaign against these boys i was deeply invested in by then, the likes of which i had never experienced in an online space up to that point. it was a truly, truly wild era, don't ever let anyone tell you differently.

all that to say, i've been here for a hot minute and i developed my own first impressions on bts and the members as individuals in a vacuum. no one had to point jikook out to me, they stuck out on their own.

potentially relevant disclaimer before we continue: i am really really queer. i grew up in the united states conservative deep south and had to change high schools my sophomore year bc i was outed and then violently ostracized for being in a relationship with my same sex best friend at the time. it is safe to say i have a lot of feelings about and experience even when it comes to having to be low key (understatement lol) about who you love. i am not here just to make my barbies kiss.

actually, on that note, jikook wouldnt even be my chosen barbies out of bts. if we're in true fantasy delulu hours here, i would want yoonjin to be real. god, that would be the stuff, they're so old married as it is. peak romance.

i think the first place jikook ever truly caught my attention were the memories dvds. jimin has always been a sweet, bby angel taking care of all his members but i remember thinking that he seemed to pay a little extra, special attention to jungkook. and of course, why not, jk's the maknae after all. all of them have always been doting on him and deservedly so. but in those briefly shown really serious, quiet moments, jimin was often first in line. a spot very easy for him to obtain tbh as jk never seemed to be very far from him anyway. maybe if you've never in real time lived the satellite jeon accusations (hi pandemic army, bless you, i hope you make it to 2025 when we have them all back without restrictions) you might find them easier to dismiss but it was so consistent back then in all of the content being released. and once noticed, i don't know how anyone ever un-notices it. but i was in deep before i even realized the water was boiling.

should i talk about why not tkook? or ynmin, for me? i'm just pulling those as examples bc i know they're the popular contenders here but all joking in the beginning of this post aside, none of the other members interpersonal relationships, in any configuration (sadly, RIP yoonjin romance), have ever struck me as anything other than puppy crush/deep friendship/family. and that's not bc i don't think over half of those men aren't queer in some form or fashion because WHEW, that is an entirely different post and we simply do not have the time to unpack rn but it's not for lack of looking.

i started in a vacuum, but i have by no means stayed there, i walked in all of those front doors and sat down and said "convince me." i've got the time and lack of life, i am ready to be won over. what have i missed?

to this day i still regularly try and check my own confirmation bias, i'm obviously looking for jikook at this stage but i'm still ready on my toes if any of the others want to get crazy. (yoonjin i am rooting for you, we're all rooting for you)

and i'm not here to really persuade or sway anyone one way or another either. there are a 1000 other blogs on this site that can probably offer you better explanations, specific clips, and detailed break downs of moments throughout the years and even then people are going to see what they want to see. i just wanted to write some of my own thoughts down finally.

though...i guess if i had to point to any one single piece of "evidence" it would definitely be tried and true gcf tokyo? but if watching that the first time didn't ring through you like a gunshot, i def don't think there's anything i could say beyond that.

honestly, i think so much of "why jikook" for me boils down to the pit in the bottom of my stomach that i used to get when i first began to notice them. when i got past the initial warm fuzzies inspired by the sincerity of their interactions, my immediate second emotion was concern.

i remember the first time i heard some of the other boys make an offhand joke about them being a couple and i got anxious, fast. i thought hide, hide better, please be safe. i began to pay extra attention to the other members in general too when jikook would do things and felt like i could sometimes see a similar anxiety to my own in their expressions. for a long time, i just worried about them and where i saw other people rejoice in their more obvious moments, i was slow to celebrate.

despite my initial hesitation, it's now been about 5 years since the first time they ever made me double take. they're a few years younger than me but i feel like we've been growing up together. (parasocial? idk her.) they're less conspicuous these days, and for lots of obvious reasons, but i feel like overall, their confidence in themselves and each other is quite high. i know that's probably a funny thing to say in light of this last week especially, but i stand by it. i've seen this song and dance before. i have managed my own expectations in the past, taken full steps back only to be beaten anew over the head so many times with enough "coincidences" i felt borderline foolish to try and deny anything. jikook are truly some sort of neuro-spicy pattern recognition drug, i swear.

and i've never really gotten to talk about any of this with anyone before! i'm shy irl, and shy online apparently bc i have just been lurking around the outer lines of this circle this whole time like some creepy creep but i've decided i'm over it. fuck it. growth.gif. idk that i have anything important or new to contribute to the conversation but my god, no one else seems to let that stop them so i might as well take my turn on the soapbox, no?

so 📢 JIKOOK REAL (?) jikook sus. jikook make bandaged queer little heart go boom boom.

#jikook #kookmin #hi hello welcome to the personal jikook ted talk literally no one asked for #in this essay i

[nightgoodomens]

I mean my husband's best friend since kindergarten is my own best friend's husband an we always joke that she and I are wives and they're husbands cuz were all so close and it's absolutely platonic so that can very well be the case with the Sheens and Tennants so that's not confirmation of anything

I do however get a vibe from DT and MS so it really wouldnt surprise me 😆 sus for real

No but that’s the whole point isn’t it. The joke was to call Michael David’s wife. The point is that she called him his boyfriend.

Here is the thing though - people keep on finding an excuse for every single moment between them in the last four or so years. So, let’s say in those four years Michael looked at David with adoration once. That’s not proof of anything. If they once jokingly called each other wives. That’s not proof of anything. I agree.

But when you add up everything that has happened within all these years and especially the last few months, to me if I were to excuse it as ah it’s just besties, I would feel like I’m just lying to myself. I would be insulting my intelligence because I really dislike choosing to pretend I don’t see anything. And if it came out that actually all of this is absolute bullshit then I’d just go - what was all the drama for then? All this hard work? They’re not promoting anything. Everyone would be absolutely content and happy if Michael and David were simply best friends. There was zero need to make it seem as more because they do make awesome best friends. So why make it more? And what, they’d be basically queer baiting? Tennant’s?! Sheen?!

Also… what would be the confirmation then? Because Michael saying David is easy to fall in love with means nothing. Michael saying “David, who I love” means nothing. Michael saying “I set him on fire fairly regularly” means nothing. The two of them looking at each other like they’re each other’s world means nothing. Michael beaming so brightly when he’s with David in comparison to others means nothing. David wearing Thin Dark Duke (trademarked by Michael) outfits and winking at the camera means nothing. David wearing “queer was always here” and other queer gear that GT highlights every time means nothing. Michael/David ensuring they live close to each other means nothing. The looks they share mean nothing. The bloody poems they write about each other mean nothing. That love beaming from them means nothing. The hug during awards, the happiness, the red carpet outing means nothing. Macbeth means nothing. Lapland means nothing.

Finally GT calls them boyfriends and it still means nothing.

I feel like even if we had a leaked sex tape then people would say that they’re just dedicated to their craft and it means nothing.

It doesn’t bother me if people don’t see it though, I’m just surprised about some of the hatred that’s coming from some posts… like, damn, why are people so angry at the prospect of maybe them two simply loving each other. I understand if people were suggesting there’s bad blood or cheating involved and it would be making people uncomfortable but all this information is coming from the four of them. They’re the ones who make people talk. They’re showing there’s no bad blood. Instead of stopping they’re carrying on and adding more each time the rumours are increasing.

So why so much hatred.

I also have friends who I’m really close with. I am sure many of us do. We do “couple” things with them. I buy my girl friends flowers. It looks like we are going on dates, I like taking care of people.

But the line is still so thick between what I do and what MS/DT do. That’s why I can’t pretend that this is the same.

#NightGoodOmens talks Michael and David