#i'm so upset adhd medication didn't work for me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

am-i-the-asshole-official · 3 months

Note

AITA for asking my mother not to do certain things?

Let me start off by saying i'm homeschooled. I've been homeschooled my entire life. I don't have any friends offline, so I've pretty much come here to ask for outside opinions from my friend groups (online).

Prefer not to state ages, if that's okay. It makes me uncomfortable.

I have ocd, suspected autism, and either auditory processing disorder or misophonia (we're not sure which.) as well as a plethora of other issues. my mother is very aware that i have ocd (she has it herself) and i've mentioned misophonia to her several times. she doesn't know about my other mental issues, as for reasons you're probably going to see here, as i don't feel comfortable or safe telling her. (or, i've tried, and she doesn't listen, or tells me i'm "being dramatic.")

my ocd is quite crippling, to the point i've tried medication, herbal tea (chamomile seems to work a bit!), asking friends for advice, and even asking her for advice. as of the last year, it's had a grip on my life and has been quite a problem for me. i'm unable to do things i want or need to a lot, and especially struggle doing most things, even basic tasks. i'm unable to see a therapist/counsellor or psychologist/psychiatrist for personal/financial reasons.

a lot of my triggers (well, not exactly triggers for the ocd, but they stop me from doing things.) revolve around sound, especially people talking. whistling is a major trigger for my misophonia/apd, as are other high pitched noises.

my mother has a tendency to watch tv a lot, and i often ask her to not do this when i'm trying to do certain things, as it makes my ocd a bit worse, and it's often rather loud. (please note i wear headphones a lot of the time for sensory issues.)

however, when i ask her either to turn it down, pause it temporarily, or ask her to turn it off for a bit, she has a tendency to get mad/upset. to the point of throwing a bit of a fit over it, in a way that to me seems a bit attention seeking (in the bad way). she says things like "fine, whatever." and flaps her arms about dramatically or slaps her legs, or she says "i don't even wanna watch it now, it's ruined."

i'll go ahead and say she's a bit self-centered in a lot of ways. for years she has said i've "targeted" her and "treated her terribly" even though any time i was (to her) doing these things, i was usually defending myself or telling her to do something that she needed to do that had been requested for days/weeks/months/sometimes years. i also have a tendency to ask her what she's doing, either out of genuine curiosity, or because she has done something strange to me that i didn't understand. which she gets mad over.

she also gets mad if i ask if she's coming over here (i have a tendency to walk/pace in certain areas to music, it helps with stress/adhd/also helps me write/act things out. she is very aware of this and this isn't really a problem.) or ask how long she will be over here. she seems to think me asking this is telling her she can't come over, or desperately trying to get her to move. admittedly sometimes i DO want her to move, but 90% of the time i am just asking so i know if i need to move to a different area to walk or just stop temporarily.

sometimes when i am having a particular peak in my ocd/anxiety/whatever else, i ask her not to talk for a moment/few minutes, either so i can do something i need to, or because i'm afraid it will make it worse. she'll either get mad about this, or go on a tangent about "not catering to me" and saying things "the real world doesn't work like this, and nobody cares that you have ocd/issues." she has a tendency to take my issues as a personal attack on her, when in reality i would ask anyone to stop for a moment.

she has a tendency to belittle me in a sense for it. i've tried to explain some of it to her (without revealing details of my trauma she doesn't know about, as most of my ocd is linked to severe ptsd.) and she says it "doesn't make any sense" and i "need to stop" and i "need to just make myself stop." she has ocd, and knows compulsions are not always rational, and yet still says these things.

part of my desire not to go to a therapist is because of her. she claims they will either try to put me away take me to another home/put me in foster care, or drug me up on medication that will make me dull. (the other part is more personal, and unrelated to her, but to my aforementioned trauma.)

one of the things i especially ask her not to do is whistle, or make a few other certain noises (eating loud, using nail files around me, etc) because they are especially triggering to me. she'll either blatantly refuse and say i "don't get to tell her what to do" or i don't "control her" (please note i am just asking, but when i DO specifically tell her to stop, it is because she either already knows this sound is triggering to me, or i've already asked, and i'm losing my patience.) or she'll do it louder/more just to trigger me further (my father also does this. sometimes as a joke which in some ways is worse.) or she'll go on the "not catering + nobody cares" tangent again.

i know my ocd and other issues can be a bit interrupting, but i don't ask huge things of her or anyone else. all i ask is for them to not make certain sounds around me, temporarily ask them to not do something/stop doing something, or ask them to do it a bit quieter for me. please note she has the ability to watch tv/videos on other devices with headphones easily, she just chooses not to. and worse of all, they treat it like it's not interrupting to me, when it affects my everyday life in ways far worse than asking/telling them not to do something.

it makes me feel unwanted and unappreciated, and i'll admit, i've contemplated....not existing, if you will, many times over this issue and others.

i just don't really know if i'm asking too much, or if they're just being shitty. i want outside opinions on this.

so, AITA?

(id put a tl;dr in here, but i don't really know what to put. feel free to do it for me. also, i know this was kinda long, but i needed to put some extra things in, sorry if thats like an inconvenience or anything!)

(adding my sideblog here so i can get notifs, @ocdaitathrowaway)

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

100 notes · View notes

witchyy-kittyy · 21 days

Text

I have been told by my deities to list stuff I've been doing to work on myself instead of focusing on all the negative shit

so here it goes

I cleaned and decluttered our room. It's much easier to look at now, although there's still some more stuff I'd like to get rid of

I started making plans for each day and/or the week of stuff I want to get done

I've been trying to work with my autism and adhd instead of giving up because of issues that come with it

i've been trying to brush my teeth more. i've brushed my teeth like 4-5 times in the past week which is more than like the past two months so-

i bought this skincare product we've been wanting to buy for a while and it's gotten me motivated to take care of our body more

i've started drawing as a coping mechanism

i started some chemistry courses online instead of just thinking about it and then being upset i didn't do anything about it

in the past two weeks (?) i've taken meds twice between 6pm and 6am (for context, I have an very severe delusion where if i take any sort of medication between 6pm and 6am, i will be kidnapped and taken away. this has been going on for MONTHS, so the fact that i've been able to do it twice is a very good step)

i've been spending less time on our phone. granted it has mostly been switched to our computer, but we have gone from like an 8 hour screen time average to a 3-4 hour screen time average, so like p r o g r e s s

i've been communicating better. and by communicating better i mean that like 3 times i was able to tell people to leave me alone cause i wasn't doing well but that's progress as well because most of the time i usually suffered in silence until either i blew up at everyone and got into screaming matches or i internalized everything and then went back to our room and played fruit ninja

i'm getting back into floor time and blanket burritos. this has nothing to do with working on myself i just wanted to share

#pagan #paganism #athena devotee #athena worshipper #hellenic pagan #pagan witch #paganblr #athena deity #hades worshipper #self care #self healing #mental health #i hate my deities right now because this made me feel better #<- prev tags are a joke i love my deities #tw sh implied

45 notes · View notes

writtenbymisunderstoodnerds · 1 year

Text

Family is who you choose (USWNT x Adhd Reader)

Continuation of Just tell them

This is a combination of these requests: One, two

I had a shit day at work so you guys get a fic! This was requested a while ago. Hope you enjoy!

4.7k words

So I had forgotten to take my medication again today. I hadn't been able to sleep until late and slept through my alarm. It left me in a rush to get ready which meant I forgot my meds. Once again it was too late by time I realised. I was already dreading the day, my mind would be all over the place, but maybe it would be slightly better now that the team knew.

The first problem of the day was when I got told off by the coaches. I wasn't sure what I had done, all I had been doing was playing with a ball while I listened to them. It helped me actually focus on what they were saying.

"Y/n laps now."

"What did I do?"

Ali put her hand on my arm, "Just do them."

I stepped back, feeling myself getting defensive, "I didn't do anything though."

"Y/n-"

My eyes stung as angry tears tried to escape. When sensory overload starts happening, I was more irritable and emotional. I was already overstimulated, so it wasn't a surprise at how annoyed I was getting. Especially when I was being punished for seemingly nothing. All it did was bring me back to my childhood, where I was constantly in trouble for things I couldn't help or didn't even do. I wasn't one to openly display emotions that weren't good so I shook Ali off and walked away, "Whatever."

The rest of practice, I did my best to listen to the coaches and spoke up when needed, but other then that, I ignored everyone. I was still upset, but I also just needed space so I wouldn't get distracted. I didn't need to get in anymore trouble. Once practice finished, I made it to the locker room before everyone else and instantly went to shower.

Ali sat down on the bench in front of me as I was putting my things back in my bag. I tried to ignore her, but she pulled my bag away to get my attention, "What's wrong?"

I shrugged it off, grabbing my bag back, "Nothing. I'm fine."

"Ally said when you get quiet, you're likely either over stimulated or upset. We just want to help, talk to us."

Obviously, I wasn't getting out of this one so I took a deep breath to stop myself snapping and sat down next to her, "I'm both. My mind is a mess and I got in trouble for nothing."

"Y/n, you weren't listening, that's wh-"

"I was though! I could have told you pretty much everything he said. I'm not like you, I can't just sit still and listen. If I'm not doing something, my mind runs wild and I can't focus, I can't listen. No one bothered to listen to me though so yeah I'm a bit upset about it."

Ali sighed, pulling me into her side and kissing my temple, "I'm sorry Y/n, I shouldn't have made assumptions. We can talk to coach, explain that you need to be doing something, but you're still listening."

I felt a bit better that Ali actually listened instead of just dismissing me, "That would be good."

One of the girls started playing music, I ended up being dragged up to dance with them. I avoided being touched, that only increased my sensory overload, but I did sing loudly moving around the room without a care in the world. Despite having just finished practice, I had a lot of energy.

Eventually, it was time to head back to the hotel, but before we could leave I blurted out, "I want to play on the swings. Can we go to the park?"

The girls looked at me for a second before Emily grinned, looking at veterans, "Yeah can we?"

A few of the other younger players all agreed, giving them the same pleading look that I was. After a few seconds, Ali sighed, "Of course you can."

I squealed, jumping up and down before jumping into Ali's arms, "Yes!"

Pretty much the entire team had come with me to the park. I was a bit surprised, they likely had better things to do than watch a 24 year old run around a park. Despite that, some of the younger girls played with me while everyone else watched, laughing and smiling. Besides Ally and maybe one other close friend, I had never had people who willingly went to the park with me and didn't judge me for it. Now they knew about my ADHD, had never judged me for it and were always supportive, I was starting to be more myself around them. It was still a work in progress, but I was getting there slowly. An hour and a bit later, the girls dragged me back to the hotel for dinner.

It was team bonding night, normally I didn't mind it, I actually quite enjoyed it, but today I was dreading it. I had mostly been able to push through it today, to control the sensory overload, but everything was getting too overwhelming at the moment. I knew I wouldn't be able to sit through a movie or pay attention to any games they may want to play. Ali sat down next to me, hand going to my knee to stop it from bouncing, "We're going to watch a movie, I know you're probably a bit over stimulated so you can play Legos."

My head shot up at the mention of Lego, before confusion seeped in. I didn't have any Lego here, "Lego? What Lego?"

"Here. We got you this today." Alex pulled out a bag. There was a Doctor who Lego set which looked like the inside of a Tardis and there was a Jurassic world one that included a mansion and multiple different dinosaurs. It was two of my favourite shows/movies. I couldn't stop myself as I dropped the bag on the bed and jumped up and down clapping my hands. I was incredibly excited, the hardest part would be choosing which one to do first.

"Thank you, thank you!! I'm so excited." I gave Alex a quick hug before pulling away and playing with my fingers suddenly a bit nervous. I wanted to hang out with them, but I also really wanted to call Ally. We hadn't talked much today and I missed her, "Um can I play with them in my room?"

I saw concern flash across the veterans faces before Ali stepped forward, "Of course you can Y/n. Is everything okay?"

"Everything's just a bit much at the moment. Sensory overload or whatever. I think I'm going to call Ally, she can always quieten my mind."

Emily looked confused as she spoke up, "But you seem so excited."

"I am about the Legos, they look like so much fun, but sometimes the hyper activeness can get overwhelming. It may look like fun, but I can't control it and it just gets too much and I-I-I-"

Ali quickly cut me off, "It's okay, is there anything we can do to help?"

"A hug? Maybe Tierna?" Ever since we met, Tierna always brought me comfort. She gave amazing hugs and I was always able to relax even if it was just a little bit. Tierna smiled, opening her arms for me to fall into. It helped me relax a little bit, but I wished it was Ally. Even just hearing her voice calmed my mind.

After a few seconds of hugging Tierna, I jumped back up, "I'm going to play with my Lego!"

"We'll check on you later."

I set up at the desk before quickly facetiming Ally. She answered instantly. As usual she was sitting on the floor with papers all around her. She always worked more when I was away because I wasn't there to distract her.

Hey baby

My mind slowed down, body relaxing as I heard her voice, Hi love

You okay?

I forgot my meds this morning, I was just getting overwhelmed. Oh guess what!

You love me?

So much, but look the team got me Legos!! I have a doctor who one and a Jurassic world one!

That's awesome baby, are you going to do those now? What one are you going to do first?

Um, I think maybe the doctor who one. I was thinking I could do this with you on the phone? Unless you'll get bored?

Of course we can stay on call, I'll never get bored of being able to just look up and see you.

Thank you, tell me about your day?

It was sameold same old, but I have a story to tell you

I zoned out completely, my focus on the Legos and Ally's voice. It was just as much fun as I expected it to be. I knew it would be hard to pull myself away from it now that I had started. I don't know how long had passed, but I looked up at my phone, freezing when I saw Ally wasn't wearing anything with water slowly dripping off her.

Whoa, when did you get naked?

Ally laughed, turning to look at me quickly, About 15 minutes ago when I told you I was having a shower. I'm quite surprised the sound didn't make you look up.

You are gorgeous baby, but I was very much invested in my Legos. I'm almost finished this one!

I know baby, I also know you would have looked up in a heartbeat if I said I was getting naked, but I wanted you to have fun with your Lego. It's looking very good.

You are absolutely correct. You do look incredible though Ally.

Thank you, you're not so bad yourself. I expect to be taken with you next time you shower. How have things been since the team found out about your ADHD?

They're protective, but they make sure I take my meds most of the time anyway, try to help when I get over stimulated and I can just be myself. We all went to the park today because I wanted to. They're starting to work out what it actually means for me and how to help without going to far. I guess I need to thank you, I know you gave them tips and tricks about it.

Do I get to say I told you so now? They care about you Y/n, they just want to help, I just want to help, it's one of the only ways I knew how when we're apart.

I'm not upset about it Ally. I appreciate it. I know they care and I'm starting to open up more. I'm still trying to get past the thoughts and feelings of my childhood, there's still a lot I hide from them.

And that's okay, you're getting there though, you are letting yourself be more open, more yourself and I'm so proud of you.

I wouldn't have done any of this without you.

All I did was help you along when you needed it.

Before I could reply, the door opened which made me scramble to grab my phone as Ally still wasn't wearing anything. Ashlyn, Ali and Alyssa walked in, giving me a suspicious look as I turned around to face them, still hiding my phone. They must have got the key from Tierna.

Ashlyn tried to look what was on my screen, but I quickly blocked her, "What are you hiding?"

"Nothing."

She scoffed, giving me a pointed look, "Well that's a lie."

"Is that Ash?"

Ashlyn gave me a confused look, almost tilting her head like a puppy, "Why are you hiding Ally?"

I cleared my throat, glancing at the screen quickly before looking back at them, "She uh, she's well naked."

"Naked? You're to young for stuff like that!"

"I'm 24!"

"You're innocent!"

"I'm far from innocent! Ask Ally."

"Gross."

I laughed, along with Ally before explaining, "She just had a shower."

"I'm dressed now."

The girls had grown to really like Ally and I knew she was going to be taken from me so I blew her a kiss, "Bye baby. I love you."

---

For some reason I was struggling a lot more this camp than I normally would. While taking my meds did help me focus most of the time, I was restless, I wasn't sleeping well, and I found myself getting more over stimulated and irritable because of it. The team had noticed and were trying their best to help. They would distract me when possible, giving me things to do such as colouring or something to do with my hands. They had learnt when I needed a tight hug or to be left alone, when I needed quiet and when music helped. It had taken then a while and they didn't always get it right, but they were trying.

Today was a particularly hard day. I had slept really badly, I was overstimulated pretty much the minute I woke up. Normally a shower helped, but this morning it barely helped. Every little sound felt like it was enhanced, all the clothes I tried to put on except my sports bra, felt like little pins pressing against my skin and suffocating me. I didn't know how I was going to make it through breakfast. I just felt like I was going to cry at any second. Tierna watched as I tried shirt after shirt, each one feeling the same way. Eventually, Tierna took the shirt from my hand, "It's okay. You don't have to wear a shirt right now. Ali is going to bring you breakfast and we're just going to stay in the room for a while."

"T-thank you."

"Can I help in anyway?"

"Um, maybe a hug."

Tierna wrapped her arms around me tightly, my mind calmed down a bit as I relaxed against her. It wasn't enough to make everything stop, but it was enough that I didn't want to stop hugging her. Before she could pull away I quickly asked, "Please don't stop."

"Come here," Tierna said quietly, guiding me so I was lying down on the bed next to her, head on her chest as she held me tightly. I heard the facetime call tone before Tiernas phone was placed in front of me and Ally appeared.

Hi my love

Hi Al, aren't you at work?

I am, but I wanted to call and check in

I'm fine. You don't have to worry about me when you should be working

Don't do that. You're having a bad day, I'm going to take a few minutes to make sure you're okay. What's going on baby?

Everything's just wrong today. I wish you were here. Tiernas great, but she's not you

I know baby, me too. I'm glad she's helping a little bit at least. Thank you T

We talked for a few more minutes before Ally had to go to a meeting and the other Ali arrived with breakfast. I didn't feel like completely falling apart anymore which was good, but it still wasn't great. Ali gave me a tight hug before leaving while Tierna turned to me, "Do you want me to stay?"

"It's okay. I think some time alone will be good."

"Okay. Text if you need me. Come down if you want to, but you don't have to."

"Thank you T."

I stayed in my room for most of the day except when I went on a short walk around the hotel gardens. The girls brought me lunch and stayed for a little bit to watch tv with me. They weren't their usual loud and chaotic selves which I appreciated more than they would ever know. I was much more relaxed by the end of the day and I was able to join them for dinner. I hadn't heard from Ally again which sucked because she always helped, but I knew she was busy today and I couldn't expect her to always be around to help me. When 8pm rolled around and I still hadn't heard from her, I started to get worried. It wasn't normal to not hear from her for this long. I knew she was likely just working or out with friends. Given my current state though I was starting to let the self doubt creep in. Maybe she had finally had enough of me.

Ali sat down next to me as I was staring at my phone before it was taken from my hand, "You look like you're ready to murder your phone, what's wrong?"

It was stupid. I knew I was overreacting, I knew Ally would never do anything like what I was thinking. Today though, I couldn't stop it. So I told Ali everything. Ali wrapped her arm around my shoulder before flicking the side of my head, "Stop that. Stop even entertaining the idea. You know Ally would never do anything like what you're thinking. That girl loves you so much even a blind person could see it. You can always text her first, that's allowed."

"She's probably busy. I-I don't want to annoy her."

My temple was flicked again, "Stop that thinking. You don't annoy her when you text her. You don't annoy her full stop. So push that aside and text her."

Y/n: Hey love, I know you're busy, but I just wanted to tell you I love you and make sure you're okay. Look after yourself, don't forget to eat. Call me when you can.

"See, that was easy right?"

"Yes, you were right. Sorry for dumping all this on you."

"Never apologise for that. I'm always here for you."

Ally: Hey baby, I'm sorry I've been out of touch today, it's super busy here. I ate dinner, but I'm still at work. I don't think I'll be able to call again today, I'm exhausted and just planning on falling into bed when I get home, I'll message you before I go to bed. I love you

Ally had sent a photo of herself sitting at her desk, eyes tired with a matching tired smile. I hated how tired she looked. I hated that I knew most of it was because she wasn't sleeping well without me, the same way I wasn't sleeping well without her, "She's still at work."

"See, I told you so."

---

I was deep in conversation with Lindsey when there was a tap on my shoulder and a squeaky voice coming from behind me, "Hey beautiful, can I get your number?

"No I ha-" I cut myself off as I flung around to find Ally standing there, wide smile forming. I squealed, jumping up and wrapping my legs around her waist, before connecting our lips in a lingering kiss, "Ally!"

"Hey baby."

"How are you here?"

"The girls flew me out."

Once I pulled away, I turned to find the team standing behind us. Tears sprung to my eyes as I looked between each of them, "You guys did this?"

Ali smiled softly, nodding in conformation, "You've been struggling the last little while. We tried to help you, but it wasn't working. We love you, we wanted you to be okay and we figured this was the best way to help. You're allowed to get your own hotel room while she's here as well. Save Tierna from your grossness."

"Thank you guys. I-I love you, all of you. This, this- thank you."

"You're welcome kiddo."

Tierna was in our room and mine and Ally's room wasn't ready yet so Ally and I had snuck off to the meal room to have some time away from the girls. Ally had an excited smile on her face, "Why do you look so excited?"

Ally pulled out a little box, smile growing wider, "I was going to give you this later, but I can't wait. I saw this and thought of you instantly. It's a promise ring, my promise to you that I will always be by your side, my promise that when the time is right, it will be replaced by an engagement ring. I also know you struggle with rings so I put it on a chain. You can decide how you wear it."

"I love you so much Ally, I love this. I really want to try wearing it, it'll just be an adjustment."

I knew I wanted to marry Ally, but I also knew that we weren't quite there yet. Not because we didn't love each other enough or anything, we just wanted to focus on our careers before making that move. "You know I'm going to marry you one day right?"

"I know and I can't wait to marry you Y/n, but I also know the timings not right yet. You're just starting your national career, I'm working on this promotion. It'll happen when the time is right. I have something else for you. It was supposed to be for our anniversary, but there were delays and it took way longer then planned."

Ally gave me a wrapped package, watching me as I carefully unwrapped it. It was a photo album. The first picture was of Ally on my back, matching grins on our faces as we looked at each other. We had only been together for a month or so when that photo was taken, yet it was one of my favourite pictures. There were many different photos from different stages of our relationship and with our friends and family. Beside each photo of us, Ally had written a little message. Like next to a photo we had taken during a beach picnic, Ally was looking at me with so much love in her eyes while I was looking out at the water. Next to it, she had written 'This was the day I knew I had fallen in love with you. The effort you put into surprising me, the way I knew I didn't want it to end, the way my heart raced and butterflies erupted when you looked at me, I knew without a doubt, that I was in love with you.'

Tears stung my eyes as I closed the album, pulling her into a tight hug. I loved her more than anything in this world.

"I don't understand! How are you so fucking amazing, so god damn cute? You're so understanding and so loving it's not fair! God I love you so much, what did I do to deserve you? You just need to stop because I-" I ranted, much to Ally's amusement, but was cut off by Emily speaking up. I hadn't realised they had shown up.

"Woah, what's going on? Are you two fighting?"

Ally laughed, turning to the other girls, "Quite the opposite actually. Y/n here is apparently annoyed by how cute and loving I am."

"It's very hard to focus on anything other then you and it's not fair. Like how am I supposed to focus on anything other than marrying her when she goes and does shit like this?"

They looked confused at the book I was holding, "A photo album?"

"Look at it."

They flipped through the different photos of Ally and I, reading the little messages she had written, "This is cute."

"I know! And I love it! It's adorable and it makes me just fall for her even more."

"Then what's the problem?"

"It's distracting! I'm supposed to be focusing on my career and all I can think about is running off to make her my wife. It's not fair."

Ally just laughed, arm wrapping around my waist and leaving a lingering kiss on my lips, "You are adorable Y/n. I love you."

"Yeah I love you too."

"Has this happened before?"

"Yup, mostly when I do something cute. I find it hilarious."

I pulled her into my side, peppering kisses across the side of her face. Then I remembered the Lego I had sitting on the desk in my room. I pulled away quickly, practically jumping up and down with excitement, "Baby come see my Lego!"

Ally laughed as I dragged her away. Ali called from behind us just before we went out of ear shot, "I expect to see you at dinner Y/n."

I stopped in front of my desk, pointing at the nearly finished Tardis, "Look, look, look."

"This is awesome Y/n/n, is it almost finished?"

"Yes, I want to finish it so bad."

"You can work on it now if you want to."

"I really do, but I want to do this more," I pulled her close, connecting our lips in a soft kiss. I relaxed against her, hands slipping under her shirt as hers looped around my neck. Things got a bit heated as Ally's fingers buried in my hair and mine traveled up her back then trailed over her stomach. Ally moaned when my tongue met hers, pulling me impossibly close. I pushed her onto the bed, lips finding her neck as I fumbled with the button on her jeans.

Just as Ally finished, my phone vibrated in my back pocket, making me pull away.

Tierna: I gave you as much time as I could to do whatever it is you're doing, but I've been sent to get you. You have 2 minutes before I open the door. Please be decent.

I laughed, showing Ally the message. She pecked my lips quickly before going to get cleaned up while I opened the door. Tierna was standing just down the hall, "Thank you T."

"Anytime Y/n."

---

I sighed cuddling further into Ally's side, feeling more relaxed than I had since I left for camp. Ally kissed my temple, "You okay baby?"

"You're here so I'm amazing. I missed you Al."

She held me tighter, fingers tracing patterns across my arm, "Me too Y/n. I missed you."

"I hate that I have to travel so much."

"It's part of your job, we make it work."

"I know that, I just wish you could come with me to more camps. Purely for my own selfish reasons of having you around all the time."

Ally rolled over onto her stomach so she was facing me, "You know, if I get this promotion then I'll be able to work from pretty much anywhere most of the time."

"Wait, really?"

"Yup. Which means I could potentially come to more camps with you, if you want to be around me that much that is."

"I fucking love you Ally. There's not a second that goes by that I don't want to be around you, that I don't crave being around you. Marry me Ally. I know we said that we should wait, but I don't want to. I want to spend the rest of my life with you by my side. This isn't how I planned it, I don't have a ring and it doesn't have to be now, but right now I want to call you my fiancé. So Ally, will you marry me?"

"Fuck yes, yes I'll marry you Y/n. I don't care about a ring or some elaborate proposal. We could get married in the court house tomorrow for all I care. As long as I get to spend my life with you."

---

I skipped into the meal room, feeling on top of the world and hyperactive, but mostly happy. It wasn't unexpected, I got to marry the girl I was absolutely in love with and I actually slept well for the first time since camp started.

"Hello ladies," I sung before skipping over to Ally and pecking her lips, "Hello my beautiful fiancé."

"Hi gorgeous, you're awfully happy this morning."

"Well can you blame me? I get to marry the most beautiful girl in the world, also I slept really well so you get to deal with that."

Ally groaned playfully, "Oh no, however will I cope? Let alone for the rest of our lives."

"Wait, you're engaged?!? I thought you were waiting?" Tobin asked loudly, gathering the attention of everyone in the room.

I couldn't help the wide smile that grew, "I couldn't wait any longer."

Ali hugged me tightly, placing a kiss to my forehead, "I'm so happy for you kid. I'm proud of you."

"Thank you Ali, I need your help," I whispered so no one else could hear. I needed to find the perfect ring for Ally, but I knew I would overthink it too much. I also knew the girls would turn it into something bigger then I needed it to be.

"Anything."

"I need help finding a ring for Ally."

"Of course I'll help. We can sneak out this afternoon, just me and you."

"Thank you Ali."

Emily jumped on my back, "So when's the wedding?"

I pulled her off, taking the opportunity to pull her in for a noogie, "I don't know."

Ally separated us, barely containing her laugh, "We were thinking a court house wedding."

"No!"

"You have to have a wedding!"

As the girls talked about the wedding, I couldn't help feeling that I had found my family. I had found a group of people that didn't see me as my quirks, hyper activeness, overstimulation or problems. They saw me as me, they supported me for who I was. I had the love of my life and my family. I was truly loved by people I saw as family for maybe the first time in my life. I was happy.

#uswnt x reader #uswnt imagine #uswnt imagines #woso x reader #woso imagines

297 notes · View notes

fandomhype · 3 months

Text

Plagiarism Somerton

I obviously didn't watch the new James Somerton apology video ON his channel because I did not want to give that man the views and you shouldn't either! It has been re-uploaded and summarised elsewhere so that he doesn't benefit if anyone wants to see it.

The original hbomberguy video was wild to me because of all the stealing, I found it highly entertaining, loved all the Memes and it honestly did my imposter syndrome wonders! but then I watched the Todd in the shadows video and it really upset me.

He didn't just steal from other LGBT creators he lied to his mostly young LGBT audiance who were looking to an elder gay for guidance and to learn about their history.

Todd's video starts with a clip of James lies being spread by another person on a podcast, there's clips of people discussing his made up gay nazi fanfic he has presented as hard facts. He actively harmed his own community for cash! There are young gay men bringing that subject up in conversation being laughed at for falling for it and that leaves a really bad taste in my mouth.

Now I'm not a part of that community but a lot of people I love are so that angered me a lot.

...and then he comes back with another apology video, conveniently within the three months he would have had to post something on his channel to retain his monetisation status weirdly?! In which he blames both a head injury and his ADHD for his theft - at no point does he address the lying in either apology video or any of the apology posts he made that I could find.

I have combined ADHD, when I was first diagnosed the NHS referred to it as ADD with Hyperactivity element but everyone seems to have gone back to calling it ADHD and that is the term used most commonly online so that is what I refer to it is as.

I am medicated but there has been a world wide shortage of my medication and I was without it for some time over winter, which was HELL! I got nothing done.

I am in no way a big creator, Youtube for me is a fun wee hobby that will hopefully grow and allow me to collaborate with other people with similar interests but ADHD is for sure a large part of my journey as a creator.

I've published like 7 videos and currently have around 10 being worked on because, you know... ADHD! *siren noises*

I know that I am forgetful sometimes, just for the record I also had several head injuries and concussions as a child because Lil undiagnosed at the time me truly had no fear of climbing or other dangerous activities so I have my script (because free talking a subject with this brain would be nearly impossible) open in one google doc and my research open in another. It's not hard.

That's the way it was at school, college and Uni too. James claims he went to Uni to do business. Every university uses anti-plagerism software for essays and has done since like the mid 2000's? so he knows not to copy pasta. He's straight up lying there.

Another thing he's lying about is his ADHD making him forget he copied things. Now if you tell me a joke that I like it'll stick in my head and I will straight up tell it as my own later, I've been called out for this many times! But entire articles? whole sections of other peoples videos? (he also flipped a fan Vid he had ripped off of another YouTube to avoid detection and tried to pass it off as his own) No that's not something you can accidentally do even with a swiss cheese brain like mine.

Weirdly all the the paragraphs James claims he accidentally copied were also edited to remove aspects of the Trans, Bi and Ace experiences that James markedly does not believe exist. Strange considering he accidentally copied them and assumed they were his own words? Imagine going back through a paragraph you think you wrote yesterday in the edit the next day and finding swarths of things you don't agree with there?!

Why am I telling you all this? Well because I wanted to put my two cents in as a creator with this condition, partly because I felt it was somewhat of an attack on us!? He's put it out there that ADHD creators are liable to steal from others and that's not ok by me. Also I just really like the sound of my own typing!

TL;DR : James Sommerton is a suck ass liar and he doesn't get to use his disability as an excuse for what he did! and...

****** ADHD DOES NOT MAKE YOU STEAL SHIT!!! ******

Also watch Todd's Vid, everyone saw the Hbomberguy one but this one goes deeper:

youtube

#james somerton #actually adhd #james sommerton #hbomberguy

52 notes · View notes

sophiamcdougall · 10 months

Text

So to sum up

This was yesterday: * Wake up with a migraine * Take the last of my "emergency supply" of ADHD meds * Contact Boots to say 'hey, remember how you decided not to bother to reorder my medication, didn't tell me and left me to run out? Well, you said you'd text me when it came in and you haven't, what's up?" * Boots doesn't have my meds * Boots is fucking rude about it too * Already upset. HAHA I know nothing. * Call another pharmacy. Discover that the fucking global shortage of ADHD meds has struck again * Call all the other pharmacies. * Nothing. *Call GP *GP says to call the psychiatric clinic * Tell GP: "They WILL say there is nothing they can do and to call you back." *GP says to call the psychiatric clinic *[Still migraine] *Time to start work! I have a document to edit this afternoon! * Call psychiatric clinic. Psychiatric clinic does not answer. Says to call in office hours. It is office hours *Call psychiatric clinic several more times *[I hate making phonecalls! They make me stressed and uncomfortable!] *Psychiatric clinic answers. Psychiatric clinic says there is nothing they can do and to call the GP back. *Call GP back. *GP says "Oh, you're completely out of meds"?? as if this was a surprise. *GP says they will try to get me an urgent referral to the psychiatrist to get me prescribed something else. * I say I don't! particularly! want! to do that! I just want my normal, boring medication and even if the 40 and 60mg pills are out, might it not be available in another dosage somewhere? *GP, who keeps interrupting me literally every two seconds, to the extent that I think less "man" and more "honestly needs to read the description for the condition we're talking about" has apparently not thought of that. Will call me back *Edit document *[Still migraine] *GP somehow manages to interrupt me several more times to tell me they're trying to do Things which is nice but not! helpful! when you are trying to edit a document WITH A MIGRAINE! *GP finally says that while there is no way on God's earth to get me 120 mgs of my medication, I CAN get 100mg. Which you'd think we could maybe have got to SEVERAL HOURS AGO but OK. GP spends a long time arguing with me that this is a good idea even though I am not arguing back and agree with him. *Finish editing document. Time to go to GP, to get new prescription for 100 mg! Troubles nearly at end! *Migraine maybe fading? * SLAM foot into large box where keep craft supplies. * Wait for pain to subside. * It doesn't. * Think toes are broken. Can't walk. *Have to walk. GP about to close. GP not on bus route. *Hobble, gasping and wincing half a mile to GP. Hobble, gasping and wincing (and occasionally singing Italian pop music under my breath to take mind off pain because it's That Bad and we do what we got to do at this point) further half mile to Pharmacy. *Walking mile not good for foot definitely at all. * Pharmacists watch me limp into their shop in obvious dismay. "Hi!" I say brightly "This is unrelated to why I'm here!" * Pharmacy interested in toes. Says maybe toes aren't broken? Aren't black. *I agree maybe I'm making a silly fuss and only later think that it had been less than an hour at this point and despite what fanfic will tell you, injuries take longer than that to GO black.¹ *Get my 100mgs of meds. *Limp to bus stop, * Get home. Eat a consolatory ice lolly. *Hobble to bathroom to wash hands *Inexplicably, just to add baffling insult to ludicrous injury, a pile of towels falls on my head.

[¹Today still not black, but still cannot walk and even the weight of bedclothes unbearable -- they're broken as fuck.]

#cursed cursed cursed #what did i do to deserve this oh Zeus?

23 notes · View notes

pawsitivevibe · 4 months

Text

I think it was a really bad idea to quit my job after all. I knew this would happen. I have no motivation, and I can't focus on anything. My job forced me to do things constantly, be productive. Everything had to be done now now now so there was no time for drifting off. Same with my previous job, and the one before that. Maybe I didn't realize how bad my focus and motivation problems were getting because I've been working You HAVE to do it Now Now Now jobs since I was 17. I'm worried stopping now will make it too hard to get started again. I might get in contact with my old boss and see if actually I can come back to work. My husband will be upset, but I clearly need something where I HAVE to do it. All these stupid jobs were like physically destroying me, but I just can't let myself become totally fucking useless, and I obviously can't do a Thinking job ... It's only been two weeks ish but I already can tell I'm becoming useless. Yeah I'm supposed to use this time to figure out my health and "heal" but my doctor doesn't seem to want to help me, so what's the point? Like I cannot wait months for any real medical progress like she seems to think I can. I don't understand why she won't just do something NOW?

This idea that maybe it's ADHD and therefore treatable/manageable is kinda nice, but I highly doubt that's really the case. I am just lazy if given the time to be. I need a job that is just constant. No time to not focus, no time for indecision or brain fog. And the chronic pain is constant, so I need a distraction from it too. Maybe the ideal would be some sort of busy work job that is less intense for my body, but doesn't give any time for slacking, and provides constant non-Thinking type work. Hmmm.

I always thought I'd never be truly fulfilled unless I could, y'know, actually use my brain for something. But I think my brain actually can't do much after all. My body feels like it's falling apart, but I can't just NOT use it to work because I can't do the Smart People jobs.

#delete later #unrelated vent etc

7 notes · View notes

mental-illness-bingo · 1 year

Text

Content Warning: Venting about ableism against ADHD and Autism in a book; mentions of emotional abuse, repeated mentions of elitism within the autism community, "corrective" surgery for mental health disorders, demonizing of medication, encouraging young adults to refuse their medication etc. Note that I haven't finished the book yet, but I intend to, so I suppose it could get better, but what it's done already is abhorrent, and I'm grossed out.

Book in question: The Love Letters of Abelard and Lily by Laura Creedle

This. Book. Is. Killing. Me.

I saw this recommended as a "really good book about autism and ADHD" from someone but I *really* hate it so far (I'm on Chapter 27, about 2/3 way through the book) and it's honestly just blatantly ableist in so many ways. I do not know if Laura Creedle is autistic or has ADHD, but if so? Internalized ableism everywhere. If not then yet another neurotypical asshat who wrote an ableist ass book.

Context: Lily is diagnosed with ADHD and Abelard is diagnosed with "Asperger's".

And let's start there. This book was written in 2017, years after the switch from that N*zi doctor's name to Autism Spectrum Disorder. This is problem #1, and the reason is not that they use that word for it. I can and have enjoyed books while suspending my disbelief around the fact that they maybe didn't know because a significant number of people still don't in 2023.

However, Abelard is the poster child for elitism. He is this super smart kid who just so happens to have trouble with verbal conversation, being late, and sometimes being touched. He is worse than the savant trope because he is literally talked about like a genius. He is inhumanly good at chess, robotics, old literature, video games, just everything he touches, really. In fact, despite him supposedly having serious communication difficulties, when he is texting, he is suddenly able to communicate just like anyone else, with occasional long pauses between texts being the only issue he shows.

And his sole meltdown that has been shown is honestly so toxic and borders abusive to Lily. She is late to their date due to her ADHD, something any of us with it can relate to, and Abelard knows about her ADHD in advance as well as having had seen her symptoms multiple times in person. There is 0 way he didn't know about her having ADHD. Anyway, she's a little late (I think 20 minutes or something but I can't remember tbh with you) and he is visibly angry with her, and she immediately apologizes, explaining that her ADHD causes her issues being on time. Rather than be understanding of his girlfriend's disorder the way she has tried to be with his, he pretty much ignores her. His mother babies him about it, working on setting up everything for him and getting them into the movie wherein he seems to relax (but only after forcing his mother to go get popcorn right this instant because they're watching a movie and he needs popcorn). Then, after a bit, his father is trying to explain the movie to Lily and its history and Abe does NOT like people talking during movies. He yells at his dad, who continues to try and talk, and then has the meltdown in question. Lily tries to touch him to help comfort him and realizes immediately she shouldn't have when he makes a noise as though he is in pain. He begins slamming his head off the table, which is reasonably off putting to Lily, and she asks his father for help. His father mentions his mom would usually be here and that Lily "shouldn't have been late", basically accusing her of causing the meltdown even though he kept pushing when his son told him they were watching a movie. Lily panics and exits to the kitchen because she feels helpless and upset that she can't do anything for him.

All of this is relatively understandable behavior, I guess. I don't really love that he yelled at his father and mother both in this scene for normal things because it paints autistic people as unreasonable and irrational, but it is true that sometimes meltdowns are caused by people continually doing normal things that happen to really get under our skin. His parents should know his triggers and avoid pushing them because they are his parents. Lily, on the other hand, is a child and one with her own neurodivergent struggle, and should never in any way have been strapped with the blame both because it is not her job to tiptoe around a boy she has been dating for a few days with triggers no one warned her about, and because the issue at hand is a symptom of her own disorder and is equally as in her control as Abelard's reaction to her being late is in his.

BUT THEN while panicking in the kitchen, Lily breaks something on accident as she often does and tries to leave and Abe's mom makes a whole thing out of it. She becomes physically intimidating to Lily, smashing a glass on purpose to "help" the situation, which obviously makes Lily uncomfortable, and half-threatens her to go back into her son's room even though she wants to go. Throughout the entire next scene Lily mentions in her narration wanting to go home and while I think it's important that Lily learns coping skills outside of running away, it is equally within her right to be too stressed by Abe's reaction to her being late and choose to break up with him. Lily is not required to stay with Abe just because she's the only girl he has brought home, and intimidating her into staying is disgusting.

To Abe's credit, he mentions that his mother used his sob story to make Lily stay. Then he loses 100% of that credit in the most entitled scene I've read in a long time where Lily is pressured to not only stay in that house and in that relationship, but also promise to NEVER be late again even though it is a symptom of her own disorder. She mentions that this seems to be the only way to make him happy and that "promising to try harder is not enough". So, more or less, she is in a relationship where she cannot ever show symptoms of her disorder without him giving her the silent treatment, yelling at everyone around him, and smashing his head into a table.

No one ever mentions at any time during this or after that Abelard also should be learning positive coping skills or teaching her how to help with his meltdowns or anything like that. She should just be expected to never show a symptom of her own disorder so that he doesn't react in a very toxic/honestly kind of abusive way. Cannot stress enough that he does not treat her kindly again until she promises she will literally never be late ever again. Not try - NEVER late again.

Abe strongarms multiple people like this throughout the book. His mother with the popcorn, his father with talking during a movie, his robotics teacher where he literally stands there and repeats "I invited my girlfriend to robotics" over and over again until, despite safety concerns, the teacher gives up and allows Lily to stay if she signs a waiver (which she doesn't read and is not the legal age to sign anyway), and Lily when he wants to tell her something but tells her she is not allowed to speak until he has finished then gets visibly angry (as noted by Lily) when she answers a question he asked her out loud. His meltdowns are used as a threat of sorts to the people around him and a manner of controlling them. It is worth noting I have only in my entire life met one autistic person who did this and surprise surprise, they were abusive and had a history of using meltdown threats to R word multiple people. That is not autistic behavior. It is abuse being hidden behind the excuse of autism, and it's gross in every context, including this book.

So, onto Lily's ADHD. Lily is constantly breaking things, constantly late, runs out of any even slightly uncomfortable situation, does not care about the emotions of her mother or her sister, and is overall a really gross ADHD stereotype. But that's okay! Why? Because she will be fixed via corrective surgery. Yes, you read that right. But let's go into why medication didn't work for her first.

Lily lists throughout the book her hatred of her current and all past medications, of which there is a number she lost count of. Because the author treats this ADHD character like a goldfish who was just given access to a human body for the first time and therefore cannot remember anything (or walk two steps without smashing something valuable), that number could still be relatively small. The book doesn't treat it as a small number though, so we're going to assume she's tried most ADHD medications, and is currently taking an antidepressant as a manner of treating ADHD which is so far in the past as far as treatment goes that I don't even know which medication they're talking about.

The typical antidepressants (SSRI's) are not used to treat ADHD at all to my knowledge, and SSNRI's are only really used if every other form of ADHD medication has failed you and even then are rarely used as far as anyone I know with ADHD. Why? Because there are actual medications that help ADHD, and a good amount of them. Realistically, the concept that 0 of them worked for Lily is statistically improbable. The only antidepressant really used to treat ADHD actively is Bupropion, but the emotional blunting the surgeon Lily sees says is a side effect of her medication is not a side effect associated with Bupropion. In fact, Wellbutrin/Bupropion is often used for people either in combination with or as a replacement for other antidepressants to counteract the emotional blunting they cause.

The demonizing of medication in this book is dangerous. Lily hates every medication because all of them have stripped her of her ability to feel anything positive. The book does not mention any other ADHD character that tolerates medication well, or even speak about it as though it is just not working for her. It does not explain that if Lily went to the doctor and told them her side effects, that they would *immediately* taper and remove a medication that is causing emotional blunting and sui thoughts. The book doesn't mention that this is an abnormal side effect - in fact it's says it's a common side effect of antidepressants. It also treats medication as some sort of weird muzzle that is put on people with ADHD so their loved ones (in this case Lily's mom, sister, and teachers) can tolerate them. The book does not mention any positive effects of any medication for ADHD at all. I hate to think how many kids were made afraid of or resentful of their meds by this book.

The book details specific ways to avoid taking your medication, and even how to hide it so you can (tw sui mention) take them all with vodka to hurt yourself. This is not something Lily attempts in the book, but was just thinking about, and therefore did NOT need to be described in detail. The book even acts like sui watch is stupid and unnecessary, and does not detail the dangers if Lily were to take all of these medications at once with alcohol. So basically they wrote in a non-precautionary sui method for kids with ADHD that also involves months or years of medication non-compliance. Great. /sarcasm

But like I said, that's not the worst of it. What upset me enough to write this whole rant is the next part. Lily's mother finally giving up on the neurologists (which... weird because everyone I know with ADHD was treated by a psychiatrist not ever a neurologist), and going to a literal brain surgeon for some sort of electrodes to be placed in her brain that is supposed to permanently change how her synapses fire.

This is the ableist buffet, and for a while Lily feels the same and by a while I mean 2-4 pages. Then she decides that she will see the doctor if her Mom does something for her, and forgets all about the upset of having her mother feel the need to cure her.

In fact, when Lily meets the doctor, it takes him almost no time to convince her that she not only needs but also wants the corrective surgery, spouting about how she could go to college right now if she does it, when college would not have even been an option before.

It is gross on every single level and I looked up this surgery and ITS FAKE ITS NOT EVEN REAL. This author literally made up a fake corrective surgery for ADHD, I wanna puke.

I literally do not even want to read this for the story anymore I just have to know how much worse it can possibly get. If it's bad maybe I'll reblog and add on to this.

Edit: HOW could I possibly forget Lily's Dad? A total deadbeat who cheated on her mother and ran off to Portland, who was only able to interact with his daughter while actively drinking when he still lived with them, who is constantly switching what he wants to do in his life to the point that he can't hold a job, and who refuses to talk to let alone see either of his daughters in the years since he's been gone because he "can't keep a phone". And why is he like this? As the books tells you very explicitly about 2/3 of the way in, he is like this because he also has ADHD. Lovely. He had this apparently entirely inspired, amazing, never-been-done idea for his dissertation in college. But then he more or less got bored and overwhelmed with the idea so he just dropped it, left college and his family, and ran away to Portland. All because he has ADHD, because the author thinks that's what this disorder is - an inability to have any responsibility or finish anything ever no matter what it is or how important. The author treats ADHD like it's a lobotomy and I hate it here.

Maybe don't read The Love Letters of Abelard and Lily.

Edit: see reblog. It got so much worse, not better.

43 notes · View notes

batsarebetterthanpeople · 7 months

Note

Man those people on your ‘why are you straight edge’ poll are really showing their disdain for people who engage with any sort of drug… if I may add, I voted for having a medical restriction (my liver is failing thank youuuu immune system) AND I also take prescription opiate medication to help with pain. Every time I take my painkillers on days where I’m not working so that I can enjoy my hobbies I have complicated feelings about it because anti opiate rhetoric is just EVERYWHERE and it’s like… I just want to have a nice day. Getting over the ‘oh but it can be ADDICTIVE’ stigma is so important and it’s really not different just because I have a prescription. People who are so nasty about drug use for recreation are so stressful to me.

Ikr it's like people have such disdain for addicts, and drug users in general. I get upset about this because while I personally am a very casual user and I spend most of the time sober and am self assured so I can walk people being dicks about it off, but I know addicts and their lives are hard enough without all the stigma piled on top of it. I just wish everyone could be addiction neutral and pro harm reduction but they're so moralistic about it. I wasnt the politest I could have been about people not drinking and having sex because I was trying to keep it light and I know people take things like this really serious and it kinda backfired.

But like I totally know what you mean about the opioid thing. I really think that our society could benefit from being a little more addiction neutral, because yeah sometimes substance dependency does ruin your life, but I'm neurodivergent and I've met people where I think that doing life with drugs is better for them. Like you raise a great point about opioids. They're dangerous and addictive but if you're in pain because of a disability you need pain management. It's not really an option if you want to lead a normal life. There's a lot of heroin addicts who got that way because they needed pain management and their doctors refused them on the basis that they might become addicted, but taking a daily pill to improve your life, while it may be illegal depending on the substance, isn't bad. I bring up my own neurodivergence because I've heard of the same thing with ADHD and stimulants. Most people who have an ADHD diagnosis can get an Adderall prescription, but undiagnosed people and people falling through insurance cracks will sometimes turn to the street version. And it's like those people, both the ones with a script and the ones who are self medicating, should not be forced to live a substandard life because of someone else imagines there's some purity to a life without drugs. The goal should be to get those people the drugs they need in the safest way possible.

And I come down really easy, to the point where I forget to take prescription meds and don't experience any ill effects, but I have a friend who experiences a come down from their adhd meds thats not unlike the comedown ive seen from my other friend who's a meth user, and this friend with the ADHD meds can't function without them. But when the doctor and the pharmacist get them their meds on time they live a perfectly happy fulfilling life. That's what I mean when I say I'm addiction neutral. Most people who get addicted didn't just pick up heroin or whatever one day for shits and giggles. When I fuck around with "highly addictive" substances I make sure I'm in a good place and it's not a problem to drop them. People who develop problems are usually either they're escaping from something or self medicating. The goal for society can't be to never do drugs we've had drugs literally for longer than we've been humans.

I've heard second hand of a study which I haven't gone looking for, I might, because as you can tell this is a bit of a soap box for me, where they gave Heroin addicts a prescribed dose of heroin like you would pick up Percocet for chronic pain at a pharmacy, and because those addicts weren't shooting up mystery amounts and worrying where they were going to get their next hit from so they didn't start rattling and all the other things that make addicts lives hell, they were able to start doing things like holding down jobs. That study should have been a game changer. I want addicts to be able to live, and selfishly I want to be able to go to the drug store when I'm bored and say "one mdma high no fentanyl please" and leave with something to spice up the afternoon. That's like, not a moral failing on my part even though I'm not self medicating I'm just having fun.

The way the war on drugs has ruined drugs, which like, genuinely drugs are sort of magical when you think about it. Not just the fun ones either. Like when I was a baby I had a really bad bladder infection that absolutely would have killed me if I had had that same situation just like 100 years ago, but my mom was able to force a pill down my throat and it went away. Since then I've probably had at least a dozen little things like that that would have killed me dead if someone hadn't invented a chemical that could interact with my body and make it genuinely not a problem. and the fact that we have that for things like chronic pain and we're too afraid to use it because of stigma is so insane. Like god forbid people get high.

#drug posting.#my soap box #im sorry you activated my trap card anon #this isnt even getting into how hallucinogens can be a genuinely spiritual experience.#not everyone can do them obviously ive had some people on that poll who said their doc told them not to smoke weed due to a family history.#...of schizophrenia and that totally makes sense brains are weird and you wouldn't want to fuck up the chemical balance if its precarious #but also I can do them and i really really like them #i talked to Yuggsothoth and i want to do it again some day #i think thats beautiful #like people have used hallucinogens in Religious ceremonies for centuries and i understand why #what is the reason to take that away? other than bigotry?

8 notes · View notes

andmyvape · 11 months

Text

You know...

People talk about drugs like if you give someone who wants them whatever drug they're asking for in whatever amount they're asking for, they'll become hopelessly addicted and ruin their lives

Now I'm not arguing that addiction isn't fucking awful but I fervently believe those in the newer circles of rehabilitative care theory that are putting forward the idea that addiction, at its core, is self medication. Unregulated, self destructive self medication in too many cases, but it's not the drugs themselves in so many cases, huffing paint thinner and other examples not withstanding, but honestly I don't think people would do that if they had alternatives that ARE less damaging.

It's the pain and lack of support that drives so many people to alleviate their pain or stress which really is just pain too by numbing it with drugs. It helps, but they don't regulate, they don't find alternatives to cope with whatever they're medicating that lighten the need for the medication alone, their tolerance builds up, they don't know what they're medicating enough to know how to do that consciously and more safely...

It's a nightmare that is truly systemic, not some moral failing or some contagion inherent to the human spirit. I can't currently think of any example of an organism that wouldn't practice homeostasis when outside of whatever range of normal function they're supposed to be in. Not for some philosophical or spiritual reason, in this sense specifically it is purely biological, and I find it to be DEEPLY disturbing that so many people I encounter in my life INSIST that being in constant discomfort is somehow a state to aspire to and be proud of. Being able to safely handle exiting a space that would provide you homeostasis means being able to MAINTAIN that homeostasis when you go elsewhere or do other things. It's NOT about giving in to the idea that if you prefer to be comfortable that you are somehow weak or inferior. That is not a mark of strength, it's a mark of how damaged a person is.

Grandpa, stop ranting about my generation not wanting to be "triggered" you literally JUST threw a hissy fit because they didn't have your slim jims at the corner store and the cashier wouldn't give it to you for free. Your comfort is predicated on unfairly demanding behaviors from others that is not being reciprocated in a worthwhile way. I don't think that's more valid than my being upset that a man who claims to love me is more interested in mocking a caricature of a trans person that isn't actually me. But I digress

The point my adhd ass is making here is that I think I understand a bit more about what I've been arguing this entire time. Not that I didn't understand it at all before so much as that I've been given new depth. I have a pain condition, possibly multiple, have my entire life, and I have always been rather fixated on whatever would alleviate that pain. When Tylenol stopped working, I stopped using it. Eventually I found marijuana which has done me WONDERS but I've been dealing with worsening health issues due to various reasons and it's not quite doing enough. I had to be taken off all my meds because of a bad interaction and in the month before we start reintegrating meds that might help, my doctor gave me benadryl

Now, I've been taking benadryl on and off for years for anxiety and insomnia. I can't do it long, some toxicity issue I think? Or organ failure. Can't remember right now. The guideline is a two week limit, and I've found by the end of that two weeks it is very hard for me to get the effect I need without running into the 300mg daily cap. And the times I've taken it before it hasn't done much but make me sleep eventually and relax for a few hours

That has changed. Now when I take my benadryl, I can feel it kick in like God Herself just grabbed me by the scruff of the neck, total limpness, the anxiety isn't GONE but it's so much more manageable. The cessation of pain is so fucking nice, which I understand is a HUGE component of addiction outside of the direct chemical alterations over time becoming unpleasant or downright agonizing to reverse. Being so uncomfortable and having it relieved that quickly is amazing. It doesn't make the problem that is causing me the stress or pain go away, but it does give me clarity of mind that lets me take action to make my life better, for myself and my loved ones

Now here's the kicker for me. I HAVE taken benadryl before, but when I did, my conditions were so unmanaged that it just really did not do THIS much. And at that time, I very much required things that were stronger, for both pain and mental distress. I was given them after some hospitalizations, begrudgingly, and surprise of surprises it helped me. I started to improve. Pretty significantly. Years later, they started making me sick, thus the meds having to be changed now, and honestly I was TERRIFIED because I thought the benadryl wouldn't be enough, like it was before, and I'd spend a month in agony. I was so wrong yall

So here's what I think, in my amateurishly educated opinion: if they had just given me the medicine I was asking for instead of taking my agency away in denying my medication that could have helped but could also have consequences that they felt weren't worth the risk. Maybe they were, maybe there weren't, but... Shouldn't that have been my choice? And I did eventually get put on something stronger, which led to me having the strength and spoons and clarity I needed to make changes over time that have led to me being able to be helped by the benadryl now. They couldn't have just handed me a bottle of percocet at 14 and said "Good luck!" because YES that would have been it's own kind of damaging, but I have trouble with authority, and at least the damage would have been mine to cause. After all, it was my body

But... What they could have done, what research is proving again and again ACTUALLY works more than patriarchal denial of bodily autonomy on the basis of my supposed "inherently and deeply lacking ability to make choices for my own health," is just... Giving me the meds I asked for. Tell me the risks, help me manage the potential consequences, trust me to tell you when I feel sick instead of functional. To not just keep taking more and more of whatever drug that is helping me but you've decided I'm having FUN with, to the point that being denied the care I needed was damaging. If you had trusted me, I would have trusted you, and we could have made a plan that would have probably resulted in what's happened now, me finding that benadryl actually is enough now and crying in sheer joy that I've finally worked hard enough to get this far

But that would have implied that I have an ability and right to make decisions about how to take care of my own body, right?

This isn't a story that hasn't been experienced and shared so many times that it all paints a detailed and disturbing tapestry of how little bodily autonomy matters in this system. Too many demographics are judged as being "at risk for addiction" without the judgement being made by people who care that those demographics are at risk because of so fucking many social and systemic inequalities that leave so fucking many deprived of preventative, proactive care that would ultimately ease the burden of emergency care that has to be given once things get to a point considered "bad enough" and that's just... Not okay.

#Mental health #Chronic pain #Addiction #This is a broken system #Lack of emphasis on bodily autonomy is one of the cores of this festering boil #I'm gonna grab a giant needle and start stabbing #Who's with me?

14 notes · View notes

liminalpsych-in-teyvat · 6 months

Text

Notes for A Matter of Duty - Chapter 16 - Mind the deluge

There was a grunt from the cell, and a flinch of shoulders, and water dripping— Thoma's heart tangled with his lungs in a hitch of breath and a stumbling rhythm. His searching gaze followed the droplets up, up, up to a ceiling slick with condensation, suffused with a subtle Hydro glow. No. No. He wouldn't.

I am three weeks behind schedule thanks to three weeks of no ADHD medication due to the shortage. Finally got back on it and managed to write the chapter but wow. I now understand why I didn't write prose fiction for so many years. Much harder to just force myself to write when I'm not properly medicated.

Anyway, apologies for the delay, and the next few chapters might be a little slower than usual because I have other deadlines. I'd hoped to have this all done before other project deadlines came looming, but then I lost three weeks and now… I get to try to do them simultaneously and I'm upset about it. I get 10 more days of fanfic writing and then I have to dive deep into other projects for a few weeks, so hopefully I'll get one more chapter out before then.

Thanks to: PancakeBeast for beta reading, the Hidden Akasha Records discord for putting up with my flailing, and my nesting partner Hrefna for the martial arts consult and references.

Notes and references:

Ayato's throw of Thoma is a fairly standard martial arts throw. Thoma probably expected it and tried to roll with it, but not quite quickly enough for how reactive Ayato was. (And Hrefna tested it out for me, and doing that particular throw doesn't exert much in the way of strain on the area where Ayato was injured.)

The cushions on the crate are a zabuton or zaniku (flat square cushion) and a zafu (round cushion).

The versatile tenugui makes another appearance, this time as onigiri wrapping.

Not really much else this time, actually. Lots of poking around the Genshin wiki and game images and that's about it.

Summary of the fic itself with content warnings, tags, etc so you can decide if you want to read it or not before you click on the link.

A Matter of Duty https://archiveofourown.org/works/47604337?view_full_work=true

A year after the death of Ayato and Ayaka's parents, the clan succession is contested from within and without. Kamisato Ayato will do anything—anything—to ensure the safety of his family and the stability of his clan.

But powerful supporters come at an unimaginable price. When Ayato's own sacrifices aren't enough, he is forced to involve Thoma in a web of intrigue and exploitation that will push them to the breaking points of their bodies, their minds, and their very hearts.

or: Kushiel's Dart meets Genshin Impact in a quick-scorch-to-slow-burn romantic drama of court intrigue, sexual politics, and sacrifice.

Note: Mind the tags. More specific content warnings will be given at the beginning of each chapter, and the story tags will be updated as needed. All characters in sex scenes are adults.

Rating: Explicit. It's porn with plot. Porn as a vehicle for plot, or plot as a vehicle for porn, you can interpret it either way. (I prefer: porn and plot as a vehicle for ~feels~)

Tags that I'm not actually turning into tags here, but it gives you an idea of what you're in for: Kamisato Ayato/Thoma (Genshin Impact), dubious consent but not between Ayato and Thoma, slow burn, sex ed, first time, self-sacrifice, humiliation, exhibitionism, oral sex, anal sex, bdsm, bad bdsm etiquette, rough sex, breath play, impact play, bondage, service kink, abuse, sadism, codependency, shame, guilt, jealousy, possessiveness, trauma, ptsd, dissociation, political sex work, or sex work for political maneuvering, or political survival sex work if that’s a thing, exploitation, blackmail, political machinations, political intrigue, no aftercare, maybe someday some aftercare, hurt/comfort, mostly hurt for a long time but eventually comfort, oblivious disaster gays, for such socially savvy people they are terrible at personal relationships, dominant Ayato, submissive Thoma, top Ayato, bottom Thoma, Ayato is incredibly parentified, Thoma has no sense of self-preservation, self-sacrifice isn't a contest but don't tell Ayato and Thoma that, it's like the snipe-the-check game at restaurants but with sex and politics, Kushiel's Impact, no really this was in my drafts for the longest time as Kusheline Thomato Fic, everyone's an adult in this timeline except Ayaka, she gets protected at all costs, original characters out of necessity, finding appropriate existing Inazuma npcs for some of these roles was impossible

Full fic: https://archiveofourown.org/works/47604337?view_full_work=true

Chapter 16 - Mind the deluge

There was a grunt from the cell, and a flinch of shoulders, and water dripping—

Thoma's heart tangled with his lungs in a hitch of breath and a stumbling rhythm. His searching gaze followed the droplets up, up, up to a ceiling slick with condensation, suffused with a subtle Hydro glow.

No. No. He wouldn't.

Chapter contains: nightmares, implied torture (mild), hurt/comfort.

#kamisato ayato #thoma #thomato #ayathoma #ayathomato #amod #a matter of duty #my writing #genshin fanfic #kushiel's impact

3 notes · View notes

am-i-the-asshole-official · 5 months

Note

AITA for being frustrated with my dad's procrastination and finally calling him out on it?

I (25 f) live with my dad (50ish? Too mad at him rn to check, m) because of mental illness rendering me unable to work due to lack of treatment, until now.

Recently, after I had to be taken to the emergency room for a ruptured ovarian cyst that I'd needed checked out for years prior to it popping, I decided on a whim to bring up my mental illness during the follow-up with my doctor, which put me on a very fast track to getting diagnosed with severe ADHD and prescribed medication (more specifically 5 mg of Adderall twice daily). And let me tell you, holy shit, it was like a miracle, I didn't even know medication could act that fast.

Well, long story short, it fixed my time blindness and made me consciously aware of my dad's long-standing bad habit of perpetually putting things off until "next weekend", affecting several major things both recently and not, including my ovarian cyst that I knew I had for years but couldn't go to the doctor for on my own because my car was perpetually in use by my sister or broken down, picking up my prescribed medication for said ovarian cyst because my car broke down ages ago and he never taught me to drive a stick, fixing my car or paying someone to do it for that matter (I can't afford it on my own), teaching me to drive in the first place when I came of driving age, my prior autism diagnosis (which itself took years to ever get done), several attempts at homeschooling that fell apart because we both forgot about it simultaneously, at least one broken bone that I can remember, and yes, the ADHD that I could only get diagnosed because I piggy backed off of an actual medical emergency.

Needless to say, I am not happy about that, so with my new executive function in hand, I confronted him. I basically laid out that I didn't think it was normal to procrastinate that badly for years and that he should consider getting evaluated for ADHD too because it's hereditary and I had to get it from somewhere, and added that if they put him on Adderall too it might help him write his book.

However, my dad accused me of talking like an addict (it's only day 2) and threatened to call the doctor and make him change the dose or take me off Adderall (my dad can't do that and I'm contractually obligated to stop him if he tries). When I pointed out that the dose I was given isn't even remotely enough to cause an addiction this early and that it felt like he was upset with me for being able to confront him now, he told me to back off and that I was acting like a jerk, and he demanded I talk with my doctor about alternatives (my doctor very specifically had me start on Adderall because he didn't think anything else would be effective--and given my understanding is that the alternatives would make every other brain function as bad as my memory and executive function so they're not as bad in comparison and not even fix the lethargy and excessive sleeping, uh, I think I agree). Note, he doesn't usually act like this at all.

I know that Adderall's side effects include irritability and I've always been bad at self-evaluation when I'm mad, so I've decided to take to the Internet to ask--aita?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

79 notes · View notes

purplesaline · 1 year

Text

Trigger warning for medically assisted death

I learned something today. As a Canadian I'm incredibly lucky that we have access to MAID (medical assistance in dying). Not to say it doesn't have it's issues, which it does and I have no problem being very loud about those issues, but when you have a family member suffering from terminal cancer and they've exhausted all possible treatments that have a chance if prolonging their life those issues don't really come into play. That's not what I learned by the way, just a little bit of background.

What I learned is that gathering to be with your loved one while they die is very similar to a funeral. In fact, for me at least, it's more effective than a funeral.

Funerals are supposed to be a way to allow people to say goodbye to someone who has died, to get closure. More often than not there wasn't a chance to do that before the person died. It allows you to get together and remember the person and grieve, and for a lot of people that works really well. It's never really helped me much though. Between my ADHD "Now" and "Not Now" time blindness and object stasis (it's not really onject impermanence bit that's a discussion for another time), and my belief that there is no after life, we just.. end, a funeral doesn't provide me any of that closure it seems to for most people. The only thing a funeral does is cause me pain because I'm overwhelmed by seeing so many people emotionally hurting.

But gathering as a family today with my mom, getting to say goodbye to her and have her say goodbye to us, having the support of other people who loved her as much as I did while we watched her fall asleep and then stop breathing, and then going back to the house with everyone to eat and help each other co-regulate? That was as much closure as I think my weirdly wired brain is ever going to be able to get.

I don't have much experience with death. The only two people in my life who have died were very old (80+), so I didn't know how I would handle being there today. I thought it might be too hard, seeing everyone be so sad. I wasn't worried about my own grief, I long ago accepted this outcome and I'm very happy she had the option to die with dignity and go out on her own terms, but I was worried about how I'd cope with other people's grief.

It wasn't hard though, it was quite the opposite. It was one of the easiest things I've ever done. I think a large part of that was that no one was uncomfortable seeing other people upset (like they usually are), and we were all really happy for her and grateful so there was no resentment or denial, just sadness and relief.

Actually I take that back. Lance was very distressed to see so many people upset and not be able to fix it. I had him in his vest for the first time in years (mom was in the hospital and I didn't want to leave Lance in the car case while I could have managed without him it was so much easier with him there. I took a couple of decompression breaks and we went and visited some of the other patients which always makes me happy).

But other than Lance no one else was uncomfortable and it was really just an incredibly cathartic experience and I'm really glad I chose to go (mom gave us the option. She said she'd like us there but it was okay if we didn't want to be). I knew I'd regret it down the line if I didn't go, and that instinct was spot on.

I'm sure that not everyone will find the experience as positive and healing as I did, but if you ever find yourself in the position to choose whether or not to be there with someone as they die and you're one the fence about it I hope this helps you make a more informed choice, whichever option ends up being the best one for you.

For me, this experience granted me a peace above and beyond my acceptance of her death that I wasn't expecting, and I'm really grateful for that. If I was a spiritual person I'd even say I was blessed.

I love you so much mom. You fought so hard and I'm so glad that your last moments got to be peaceful ones.

#the second to last thing she said to me #was that she was sorry I hadn't found my Cinderella #but that maybe I should be looking for a pinderella instead #(paraphrased cause my brain doesn't store memories well when I'm upset)#man those palliative care drugs are wild!#I *think* what dhe meant was that perfect doesn't exist #and I shouldn't hold out hoping for it to find me #it's okay mom #I'm not single because my standards are too high #I'm single because I'm not able to really leave my house #and other people's standards sail right over me l #lol #the last thing she said was that she loved me #and there was so much unspoken in those three words #so much she didn't know how to say in that moment #and all I could say back was that I loved her #because I didn't know how to give voice to everything I wanted say either #and it was perfect #and once my brain finally catches up thay she's really gone #and not just out of sight #I'm gonna miss her so much.#I wrote a song for her and played it for her #and she really liked it and said it made her want to go to sleep #so I played it on my phone's speaker for everyone while the doctor injected the drugs into the IV #and she went to sleep for the last time #It made it feel like more of a ritual I think #I know it helped me to listen to it instead of just silence #I wrote it to say goodbye to her #I'm so glad I got enough of it done that I could share it with her

7 notes · View notes

queerautism · 2 years

Note

Please feel free to ignore if it's too much or anything. This is kind of a vent and I don't know where else to send this but I needed to tell someone. but, is it medical neglect from a caretaker if it was an accident? If it's always an accident?

My caretaker has really bad executive dysfunction with his really bad ADHD and depression right now. He's not a professional, just my partner. He's overwhelmed right now and I can be high support need.

When he's really bad he just sits for a long time and doesn't take care of himself, and usually me asking for something helps unstick him for both of us. Taking care of me helps him function.

But when he's really bad...

I remember right after I got out of the hospital during a real bad spot I would count hours until he's actually bring any kind of food. Sometimes he'd feed himself and then go back to bed and I'd be left to try and eat something shelf stable that would make me sick just to survive, like jars of peanut butter or bags of flour tortillas (gluten makes me sick).

I could easily go 10-16 hours before I'd get food, and I'm supposed to eat little meals every 2 hours.

It got better when his depression did, but it's getting bad again.

Lately I've been very sick, unable to eat much. I can have maybe 2 US oz of liquid at a time, so I have to have tiny bits of liquid frequently to avoid dehydration. It's summer. We didn't have AC for a bit and it's like 85 ° F inside.

We're staying at a friend's after our apartment ended allowing housing vouchers. He often just kind of, leaves me in our room all day and hangs out with our friend. And usually will get stuff if I call for it. But sometimes he doesn't. He just, goes to get like, water, and then forgets.

He's supposed to check on me every 2 hours because sometimes I'm so weak I can't move. He doesn't check. I couldn't keep liquid down one time and couldn't get a hold of him and was just left for hours barely able to hold the cup of ick and almost spilling it with the acid still burning my throat

I couldn't get up, I didn't have water, I couldn't call out. Hed muted his phone.

I got so exhausted from not having eaten for a week and slowly starving for months before that because of not being given food often enough that I couldn't move and passed out in a position that hurt me.

He's so scared of having to move things in a rush again he wants to buy only the necessities so when I tried to buy some things I might be able to keep down I got scolded for not talking to him first

He keeps forgetting about me and I know he doesn't mean to and why he's like this.

But he thinks he's doing a good job of being a caretaker because he's okay at handling 1 of my medical needs. And he doesn't believe me when I tell him it's often hours between when he starts to work himself up to getting things and when he actually does.

He insists it was 30 min when I've been waiting for water and desperately thirsty for 4 hours. He insists he gave me enough food when he fed me once in an entire day and I could barely eat any of it because he gave me a huge meal with no way to preserve it, and I can only have a tiny bit at a time

But because I'm dependent I feel like I don't get to complain. But I'm starving. I know I am. I can't stop thinking about food and I almost cry when I finally get to eat and I'm always hungry when I'm not sick. And I'm so thirsty all the time.

And when I finally get it through to him that I'm not being taken care of he has a breakdown, and it's not worth it because that just means I don't get taken care of *and * he feels bad.

And he's having to deal with so much other stuff right now I know when we're not in such a bad situation it'll get better but that doesn't change the fact the neglect is causing my medical conditions to flare and now my eyesight is starting to get worse and I just am all mixed up.

I'm angry and think he's neglecting me but I'm also feeling like I don't deserve better, and that I can't be upset because he's not being malicious and he does take care of me more than anyone else would.

And I can be mean and snippy and I don't support him so why should he support me even though I try to but I'm autistic and he needs exact emotional support in an exact way and I don't know how to do that. And I just feel hopeless and kind of abandoned even though when I need help with my OCD or being immunocompromised he helps.

I just want to eat regularly again and eat more than like 800 cal a day. I want to stop feeling like I'm going crazy.

Again I'm so sorry if this is too much please don't feel like y'all have to respond I just didn't know where else to get this out bc I can't talk to him and all our friends are his friend first or I'm not close enough w them. Thanks.

Oh my god, i am so sorry you're in this situation. It is horrible and you deserve better. Dave is my carer, he also has adhd and his own shit going on, so he might drop a couple balls when juggling so much shit from time to time, but this? This is honestly neglect bordering on abuse. This is so not okay.

Your partner should be seeking help for himself and finding ways to manage his adhd if it is this bad. He needs to stop muting his phone when he is responsible for helping another human being like this. And you need to tell him exactly how he is affecting you. Let him feel bad. It really isn't okay. I'm sorry, i dont have much advice, but i am honestly furious in your behalf

28 notes · View notes