#if you couldnt tell im in the second boat right now. in bed as we speak. and so i shall remain until it's time to go to work | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ivyuns · 3 years

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landing in my heart: closer

genre: angst, slight fluff

word count: 2.3k

warnings: location is in north korea, jealousy, guns, car crashes, kinda rushed lol

part three of landing in my heart

landing in my heart information

“what did you just say?”

“i would appreciate if you put the gun away from my fiancee”

“she belongs to division 11. and for those who doesnt know, shes unable to release her personal information. now if you mind, my fiancee is exhausted from her recent mission she came back from” jisung told everybody. on point, your body falls onto jisung’s shoulders, acting as if you were actually exhausted.

jisung takes you to his property till you two are out of sight until jisung clears his throat. “you can let go now” without hesitation, you let go and immediately asks whats division 11 is all about. telling you everything, you enter the house with jisung trailing behind you.

jisung offers you a cup of water and telling you to drink it to calm down. you gladly accept it as he takes a deep breath. “house inspections happens randomly, but i didnt expect it to happen today. im sorry”

“well, im sure you were equally surprised by it too, so no worries. and you showed up on perfect timing too” you smiled at him, drinking the water then looking around. “by the way, are you hurt? are you okay?” jisung asks while hes checking up on you for any hurt wounds. looking up and making eye contact, you see how his eyes were full of worry. shaking you head a no, you smile at him and was distrubed by knocks on jisungs gates.

“captain han! are you there?!”

jisung goes to open the door and sees the village women, who had heard about the news about you and offers him food. feeling like he couldnt hold any plates, they offer him to help him and take it into the house until you appear behind him.

“o-oh! nice to meet you, captain han’s fiancee” one of the women says. greeting them back, you grab one of the plate full of food from jisung. before you two could go, they ask you where your last mission was, what was it about and how was it. expecting to answer all their questions, you replied as “im sorry, i cant have my information out there”. the women gasp, shocked at they way you talked to them.

jisung tells them to go home and have a good night. doing what theyre told, they walked away and you close the gate. “is captain han really in love with her?” “is this a one-sided love?” “look at her hair, it looks so messy!” hearing all the comments they made about you made you stop your tracks, as long as jisung. gritting you teeth in annoyance, you two continued to go inside the house and ate the food they made for you two.

as you two got ready for bed, jisung made you sleep in the living room as he slept in his room. talking though the closed door, you asked him if he ever went to switzerland. “sorry if im being nosy. but i saw piano sheets and an application form from switzerland. did you have a girlfriend that you would play the piano to?” with no response from him, you drifted to sleep.

after the years go by, yiseo is back in pyongyang. passing the gates, yiseo bumps into minseok, who smiles at her and lets her go first. yiseo smiles back and proceeds until she sees her uncle, myeongseok. “ah, look at my yiseo. you lost a lot of weight during your studies in russia.”

“damn, its always the north korean women who have the best taste” minseok tells himself, but as his bodyguard hears him, he tells them to be careful of what he says. minseok then tells him he will pay him an extra 10,000 won if hed stop nagging him, but hell pay minseok 10,000 won if he nags to him again.

as yiseo and myeongseok stops at their car outside the airport, she realized what happened to the other car. “uncle, wheres the other car?” she asks. “oh, i had to lend it to jisung” “are you going to pick it up or is he bringing it back here” “im sure i can go there and pick it up after my recital tomorrow” “huh?! are you sure? i didnt even mention you were coming back to him because he never asks about you” “what kind of woman doesnt remember her fiance?”

the coal mine.

cheolgang enters the coal mine and enters the wire-trapper room after greeting his soldiers. the soldiers gets up from their seats and salutes cheolgang. “ive seen you all work hard, thank you”. manbok hears cheolgang and immediately salutes him. cheolgang tells manbok to follow him into the back exit.

“sir, what brings you all the way here?” manbok asks. “ri muyeok’s brother is now in the outpost. so i need you to wire his house. theres a women in there and im using it to ruin his family” as cheolgang finishes. manbok gets flashbacks about jisung’s brother.

7 years ago.

“you see, my little brother is studying in switzerland right now” muyeok says in the car with another soldier. “mmhm, hes a piano genius with a full scholarship. but everytime i call him, hes always sorry. maybe its because one of us had to follow our dads path” muyeok replies. “did you wanted to be on the piano path?” “nah, i wasnt into it as jisung was so i took this path” the soldier nods his head. “but he told me when he gets back, he’ll play a song for me, so im excited for that. i bet itll put me in a happy mood”

manbok, who listens to their conversation, helping cheolgang with his favor; killing muhyeok. telling where the driver to go, they collied with muyeoks vehicle. hearing the crashing noises made manbok go numb.

everyones outside the village, looking though jisung’s car, full of excitement. eavesdropping from the gate, jisung comes behind you and tells you hes leaving. “wait let me walk you out. so those women can see what i actually look like since it was dark outside” “no, theres no time for that. also, here. tie it up” jisung gives you a handkerchief. “tie what up?” jisung turns you around and ties your hair up, securing it with a double knot.

heading out of the gate together, you pretended to play the good wife and walked jisung out of the house. before he could leave your sight, you grabbed his wrist and told him to pat you hair, as if you two were being real about your engagement. he then pats your house as everyone is disgusted at your actions. you then tell him to wave at you in which he did. waving at him back, he turns around and heads to the base, bowing at people.

the village women from last night shows up to jisungs house after bad talking about you, inviting for a kimchi battle, you refuse.

back at the base, all soldiers are in an array. “hwang hyunjin, lee felix, kim seungmin, and yang jeongin. all of you but the four of you, head to the shooting range”

with everyone gone but the five of them, they meeting in jisung’s office. “so what did you tell them” hyunjin asks. “i told them shes my fiancee” everyone gasp loudly. “guys just be quiet right now. we just need a plan for her to get back on the boat”

as the four men walk to jisungs house as jisung himself goes to where the accident happened. as he talks to the soldier that was the guard for the place couldnt see what exactly happened since it was dark but he took note on how empty the cargo was and how the front the truck had armor. a very sharp armor.

in south korea, sehyeong calls the people who are helping him track down minseok, telling them to go to the places where he think hes hiding at. at the family meeting, both sehyeong and sejun continue to fight over who would be the next heir. sanga recommends the la vie en rose should be over if your disappearance is longer than expected.

in the village, you can see how hard life is as a north korean. telling the boys that youre off into the house to get potatoes, you noticed a little boy stealing one of the jackets. as the boys saw, they quickly ran towards the little boy and manages to stop him, as a bag of rice falls off of his pocket. “let me go! i need to feed my sister who hasnt eaten in 3 days and because of that, she cant open her eyes!”

making everyone come back to the house, you grabbed food from the cupboards as hyunjin is speaking nonsense. “you really act like this is your own house. youre giving away food thats not even yours to some boy whos lying” after putting the food into a tote bag, as well as a small blanket, youre stopped as you see jisung. “captain han! hes faking it!” hyunjin yells out. “no im not!”

“shut up hyunjin” you shut him up. jisung tells the little boy to wash his face and hands before eating so that he can prevent getting sick. after he washes he face and hands, he runs towards his little sister, who is sleeping alone under cardboard and a small sheet covering it. finally happy to feed his sister.

after that is finished, everyone gathers around and spends time with you before you leave tonight. “okay everyone! today i will give you awards to claim once we meet again” “awards!? are you a general or something?-” “and the first award goes to yang jeongin !” you say as you cut off hyunjin. “now you have two choices. you can use your prize as we see each other again or get it now. when we meet, youll get 100 million won, or get 8 corn now” “ill get the corn!”

“second prize goes to lee felix! your prize when we meet again is have lunch with jiwoo or get the tv right there” you pointed to jisungs tv. “look-” “dont worry, hell pick the first one” you whisper back to jisung. “ill pick the first one” felix gets up and claims his award.

“third one goes to the most handsome is ... kim seungmin!” jisung looks at you with disbelief. “you can have a blind date with miss korea or any award youd like” “ill choose none” nodding you head, you agreed seungmin is like the boys in south korea.

“okay thats all-” “wait what about me” hyunjin asks. “seriously? fine here, have this shampoo, conditioner, and bodywash” as you threw him the bag full of the products jisung got you earlier. “what the- captain han you really bought her this?!” “she said it was essentials”

after announcing the awards and coming to the end, jisung gets up as jealousy is on him, and goes out of the house. following him behind, you take him to your thank you gift for him; tomatoes after giving the seller half of jisungs potato sack since you didnt have any money. however, jisungs not impressed since he doesnt like tomatoes and doesnt properly treat it well. “whatever, just water it and say 10 nice things to it”

the night comes and everything leads to the end. the 4 men are back, eating corn on the mountain near the base with the moon shinning on them. “i feel sad now” jeongin speaks, stopping the silence. “after all the complications, its now the end”

you and jisung go inside the car jisung borrowed from myeonseok. heading to the dock where youre finally going home. taking off the handkerchief jisung gave you for you hair and folding it, you put it in the middle. “thank you for everything. i mean it” you told him. “we wont see each other again, right?” “probably” jisung answers. “its such a shame that you live here.” “its a shame that you live there” you chuckled at his joke, creating silence in the car once again.

parking the car near the deck, felix’s dad comes out of his boat as you two walk out. giving him the ticket, he asks if its just you. “no, the two of us. ill return after she is on the other boat” jisung says as you widen your eyes at him.

going onto the boat and sailing into the middle of the ocean. “since we probably wont see each other again, my name is yoon y/n” jisung looks at you with sincere eyes. “my name is han jisung” jisung smiles.

“ah, im a member of the haeju yoon clan. haeju is in north korea right?” “im a member of hanju han clan” “the irony!” both of you laugh, making jisung feeling happy after a while.

suddenly, a flash a light flashed the boat. “stop the boat!” yelled the other boat who was trailing behind felix’s dads boat. you and jisung hid under the boat as the boat was stopped. the police were investigating the boat. “were here to see your honesty and see if youre trading goods or smuggling humans to other countries” “why would i do that?” the police stomps on the blue hallow board, which was where you and jisung were hiding.

“open up!” was what you both heard underneath. “jisung! what do we do?! youre a soldier you should know what to do. geez” you silently yelled out. “in south korean dramas-” “what?! this is no time to talk about this” you freaked out. “im going to do something. now look at me and dont be startled. look at me and nothing else”

with that, jisung slams his lips into yours as the door opened.

additional ending:

after you leave jisung alone with the tomato plant, jisung bends down and tells 10 nice words.

“sunshine, happiness, rose, friends, breeze, cheekies, family, flowers, love, and piano”

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oh-for-fic-sake · 4 years

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Phsychokinesis

You meet the League and butt heads with Clark.

Masterlist

Warnings: Swearing, Angst, Panic attacks

Phsychokinesis

You sat in the back of the batmobile for what felt like hours lost in your own thoughts, you regreted this already, why rock the boat now? you were fine, you were learning how to do this on your own, you didn't need anyone they'd get in the way Or hurt! Then they'd hate you, hunt you down, you wouldn't get away! Either that or they'd see you for the monster you was and just leave you somwhere this was a stupid idea, a silly childish hope of a fairytale ending of a home ,acceptance the hope of finding people who will understand, they wont, no one understands they can't. You panicked your breathing shallow, out! you had to get out slowly you looked around looking for the hinge that held the door infront of you closed it had flipped up like a trunk but in your panicked state you wouldnt be able to concentrate enough to send out your ripple instead you had to touch it you fumbled with the harness style seat belt cursing when your fingers couldn't grip finally useing your power the split the mechanism down the seam it must have sent a warning to him in the front as you heard his voice a few seconds later.

"Kid? Calm down Whats the matter?-"

"NO! Let me out stop, I've changed my mind I can do it on my own!" You cried out leaning forward blindly running your hands over the top of the door sliding your palms hurried wanting to find the weak spot to tear at sniffling as tears began falling blurring your vision 'stupid your so stupid!' You thought repeating over and over scrabbling over the top you couldnt find it! He continued talking low and calm trying to ease you out of your panic attack.

"Hey kid its okay your scared its natural to be scared okay? But I promise whatever your think is going to happen isn't, none of us are going to let anything happen to you, just take some deep breaths for me in......then out.....again for me in ...... and out....." you closed your eyes doing as he said kneeling on the floor shivering from the aftermath of your break down as you felt the vehicle stop. You slumped resting your head on the door in front of you and spoke in a quiet voice

"I can't do it again" You held your breath when you got no reply had he listened?

"Do what again?" You stayed silent he wouldn't have it and asked again in a different way

"What are you afraid of? Tell me so I can help, we just want to help"

"....I'm better off alone.." and there it was your words were loud and clear Bruce read between the lines the truth behind your fear and panic,abandonment, a kid who lost her parents and has been passed here there and everywhere thrown from home to home until finally you run away deciding you dont need anyone else he sighed.

"We wont leave you, not now your here weather you belive it or not the second you stepped into this car you were one of us and the others are eager to meet you"

"And when I hurt one of you? It will happen it always does its why they get rid of me." You venom in your voice made his blood go cold, you sounded like one of the many nut jobs he put away behind bars, the ones that wanted to watch the city burn with everyone in it ,all he could do was hope he wasn't to late.

"The only one you could hurt is me and if I'm not mistaken we have been over that already and you said so yourself you caught it, was I angry? Did I shout and attack you? Or call for back up? I could have but did I?"

You looked down fidgeting with your fingers a little feeling small he almost sounded like a parent and not in that hyped up I'm right and your wrong way you were used to it was more like trying to get you to understand him something you hadnt heard in a long time.

"Well? I expect an answer young lady"

"No, you didn't do none of those things"

"Right and you know why? It was an accident and accidents happen, besides one of us will always be there to watch out for you,everyone in this place is faster then you physically we are all stronger than you there is no need to worry, now lets go meet the team, We are already here." You sniffed a little wiping at your eyes.

"I suppose....I'm scared" He chuckled at that you sounded so tiny and vulnerable

"No their not scary at all come on" you waited a few breaths then the door opened and he was in front of you he sighed quickly lifting you out palcing a comforting hand on your shoulder. You looked around this place was huge with various different vehicles air land and sea all in matte black spanning the length of the huge space.

"Holy shit..." he hummed in agreement

"Immpressive huh?" You looked around some you recgonized from news footage in gotham.

"Yeah you have a lot of.....weird things here" he shrugged just happy that your little break down had passed, he knew the others were watching through the security eager to meet you, but he wanted to make sure you were okay. He cleared his throat nodding to the elevator that would take you up into the main tower.

"This way we can go and meet the team then get you settled in for the night" you blinked at him

"What?" He crossed his arms standing tall

"Well it is nearly eleven pm and your only what fourteen? you shouldnt be up this time, what about school?"

"Im sixteen and I don't go to school I do online...when I can be bothered" he sighed walking to the elevator you trailed behind him as he sent it moving up.

"Fine, either way you can stay here tonight, there is a room ready for you" you nodded a little apprehensive finally the doors opened revealing a huge room with a large round table the others sat around it smileing at you batman pushed you forward when he saw you freeze a little the small nudge sent you walking forward into the room. Wonder woman was the first to approach you with a smile

"Hello Im Diana its nice to meet you we're glad you decided to come" she was beautiful ,polite and looked kind, you almost forgot how powerfull she was just by speakjng to her

"H-hi Im y/n its....nice to meet you too" you said quietly scanning the room still nervous looking for escapes just incase, the window, thick glass but doable not sure how far the free fall would be- your thoughts were interrupted by a gruff voice

"I wouldn't we're pretty high" you snapped your gaze up to Aquaman he was....unerving to say the least, he gave of a chill and slightly playfull attitude.

"What?" He smirked nodding to the window

"Your checking for escape I could see it in your eyes, hell sometimes I want to throw myself out the window to escape this lot but were pretty high, I mean wonder boy over there would catch you no doubt but still waste of a window dont ya think?" You smiled a little blushing tangling your hands in your hoodie.

"Itd be fixed before I was a quarter of the way down, its just a habit.Sorry" He smiled waving it off

"Nah your fine its smart you want a back up plan I'm Arthur by the way." You nodded still lookkng around everyone noted you didn't drift to far from Bruce which in a way was good he become a sort of saftey net it seemed. They all new what happened on the way here and downstairs. You were holding up well considering how terrified you were. They all drifted to the table taking their seats, when you didn't follow Bruce came up behind you taking your bag walking to the huge round glase table you followed behind him.

"Jesus what do you have in here? Thats way to heavy for you to be lugging around" he complaind as he set it down lettingnyou take a seat next to him.

"Books,clothes, my phone ,headphones and purse I take everything with me when I leave the homes, its easyier that way don't have to go hunting for it later" you shrugged everyone in the room frowned. It was Clark who began speaking

"So thats everything you own?" You nodded a little scared of him if you were honest you were scared of all of them.

"Pretty much, when it comes to foster homes in Gotham their not the best to put it bluntly us kids are money makers, the state pays them to take me in, when your younger theres more to it they put you somewhere nice with good poeple that care, you know try to make you a model citizen all that crap but teens no we get the shit ones given a bed and told to get on with it we are lost causes by this point just waiting to age out and be fucked off, I haven't been to my foster home in three weeks they haven't tried to get in touch or anything they dont care, occasionally they file a missing persons report and police find you and take you back but thats only cos of the inspections if I aint there when the do a spot check the money stops and they can be stricken off the register loose about $400 a month, but I prefer being out on my own" He frowned crossing his arms infront of his chest taking a deep breath leaning back, you fidgited a little under his intense gaze leaning to Bruce he didn't look happy at all and you weren't sure what you'd done but you felt like you'd irritated him, you cast a glance to Batman who was giving you a similar look making you gulp.

"So where have you been sleeping then for these three weeks?" you snapped your head back to the Man of steel.

".......with freinds and stuff....." he raised an eyebrow he didn't need to hear your pulse change to know you were lying it was clear from the way you spoke quiet and high but he would leave it for now.

"Well from now on you will be home by eight at the latest" you blinked you were expecting an argument or some dismissive 'oh it can't be that bad' but not a curfew... honestly you wasn't sure what to make of it and that made you angry, you wasn't used to people caring for you, your first instinct is to scare them away.

"err what? not being funny but I'm here to get my freaky power under control not to get a fucking life coach, had one he quit...like not just me he quit completely something about having the devil inside or something...Not sure if that was aimed at me tho...Probably...He was old as shit" you shut up when he tilted his head leaning back it was a very...Parental gesture you swear your dad did the same thing when he was alive.

"Well that was before I learned of your situation and the fact that your living on the streets at the moment." you growled at him any fear replaced with anger and a little panic he knew... he definitely knew you were lying the air rippled around you coming to life.

"Are you deaf? I've been staying with friends.... Not that its any of your fucking business"

"Friends from your online classes you never do? now I don't see that somehow" you shook glaring at him

"Fuck you!" he stood up not taking notice of the way your eyes glowed you panicked normally that was enough to make them back off he wasn't, standing you faltered not sure what to do you wanted to scare him off, make him back down but you didn't want to hurt him, you freaked out a little as he continued coming around towards you swearing trying to pull back your power not wanting to attack him but in the state you were in it was hard you couldn't grasp it you winced hearing the crackling of the floor beneath you fighting it as it tried to rise up toward him.

"Calm down. I know your lying I can hear it in your pulse now I know for a fact that you've been on the streets and I'm guessing its more because your frightened of hurting them rather than all this teenage 'better of alone' bravado your trying to play it off as. And as for having a life coach Instead of that you'll be getting a family"

"Shut up!" you were really panicking now he had managed to figure you out break past your walls quick and you wanted him to stop.

"...I know your a good kid and have had a rough ride having to grow up to soon now its time to be a kid again. So from now on you will have a safe place to stay each night sometimes that will be here other times it will be with one of us" he kept coming slowly towards you, you stepped back only everyone watch tense but not out of fear or trepidation just ready to dodge what ever you might do.

"I'm not going to be a fucking charity case- this was a bad idea Im leaving" you made to grab your bag but it wasnt by you chair anymore you swore

"Your not leaving and your not going to be a charity casenow calm yourself down"

"What you can't force me to stay here!" You backed off now sending out your power feelkng for your bag wanting to get out of here fast, this was a stupid thing to do, trust people? You cant trust anyone.

"I will if I think thats whats best for you,you can't hurt me... You can't hurt any of us and that is probably scaring you isn't it? its been a long time since you wasn't the strongest person in the room, since you were able to be yourself with out having to have absolute control of every thought and movement... I know because I've been there myself when I was growing up and the shock and fear I had fighting Zod and Batman it was frightening realizing that I could be hurt, its terrifying having something you don't understand or control and you think no one will understand, thats the same for each of us at some point we realized we are not like everyone else and we were alone wanting help someone to turn to thats why we are going to help you, so you can have some form of normality" you gave him a side glance shaking he understood? you thought he must of had it worse you couldn't imagine having to deal with his abilities.

"Normal? Thats not an option for me, people can't even touch me" you cried out as he sped towards you tuggeding you forward to him making you jump everything happed so fast you couldn't catch it you closed your eyes tight shaking like a leaf knowing that you'd just attacked him unintentionally probably killed him you whined waiting for the inevitable attacks from the others instead the hug tightened he chuckled

"Look its okay"slowly you opened your eyes looking down the small spikes had snapped as they touched him instead of impaling him you gasped stepping back.

"They didn't?" he smiled shaking his head.

"No they cant...I told you, you cant hurt us" you smiled a little sniffling as tears escaped you felt silly but happy relieved you might be able stay here... you could be here with them with out worrying about loosing control they can handle it.

"I-I dont have to run?" he smiled pulling you back against him

"No you dont have to run...I'm sorry I had to make you attack me it was the only way to make you see you can't hurt me and its the same with Victor, Arthur and Diana Barry is to fast and Bruce well he will think of somthing he usually does, here you can be yourself and relax a little be a kid again and yes that means rules and curfews" you smiled nervously as he retreated a little he was sad you hadnt returned the hug he could tell you were touch straved and you probably didn't even know it.

"I-I cant stay what about the social workers-"

"Hey what did he just say? you be the kid we will deal with all that." it was Diana who had interrupted as supes made his way back to his seat faster then you could register pulling back looking at the floor correcting it as you sat back down.

".... was a dick move tho supes"

"Clark call me Clark, no need for our other names here we're family" you nodded a little it sounded strange when he said it.

"and I would appreciate it if you watched your mouth its not lady like" you snorted

"The only lady like thing on me is my v-jay" you deadpanned Arthur roared up at that as Clark rolled his eyes next to introduce themselves was a man who didn't look much older than you.

"Hi I'm Barry, its great to have someone not old here now, they look fun but they are all boring" you laughed at to chorus of grunts and scoffs.

"Well I can't promise I'll be much fun.." he shook his head

"Seriously? I cant wait to see you in action properly, its one thing to see it on screen but honestly, I wanna see you do the glass thing how does that work anyway? Like how do you do what you do?" You leaned back into your chair.

"Err its kind of weird.... its like ripples?" he tilted his head

"Ripples?" You nodded nervous knowing everyone was listening.

"Yeah o-or waves, Im always sending them out and I can feel everything they feel.... so sitting here I can feel the wall over there.....its close so I can make better sense of it and have better control I can move it like clay.... then to fix the things I break I just zip them up....I can show you if you like? and its okay?"you looked around the room everyone nodded a gruff

"Just be careful" came from behind you, within seconds your eyes glowed bright and the huge table shattered into hundreds of thousands of tiny pieces across everyone they stayed still holding there breath.

"did you hit it? To make it do that?" Arthur asked wanting to understand how it works.

"No I pulled it from all sides ,It feels like pulling apart a huge jigsaw when I do that.....tugging I can stretch it two but that makes it weaker I just make it thinner and larger when I do that.....then I just think of the pieces edges being a zipper that fits back together. Its ends up being so tiny you can't see it" You did as you said pressing them together slowly but surly the table mended itself creating three thirds then used the floor to push them up until it mended from the center out becoming crystal clear glass again.

"OH GOD THAT WAS SO COOL! Can you fix my phone screen its been annoying me for weeks?" You nodded as he produce the phone and you quicky fixed it for him he stared at it in awe running his fingner over wheee the cracks were

"Thats so cool...And usefull"

"Phsychokinesis" you turned slowly to the final man.....cyborg

"Phsychowhatsit?" He chuckled at you

"Thats your gift its called phsychokinesis like telekinesis but instead of moving things without touching them you can manipulate physical things, their forms, but my geuss is for some reason you can pinpoint actual molecules instead of clumps of them together" you tilted your head at him you it had a proper name.

"Yeah thats right I can't make things float, only move and change em and I can't do it on anything living no plants or animals." He nodded

"Im victor, the one who found you, I've seen you do some incredible things.....Are you aware of everything that you do or does a lot of things just happen?" You shrugged

"Most just happen, the table I did but.....when people make me jump I try to attack them" you cast a guilty glance at batman behind you he waved you off.

"I dont mean to and if I trip or fall the ground softens ,if i fall really high it rises to catch me...water to I can't go onnthe diving board it gets weird...I don't do any of that either just happens....but I catch them most of the time before things go to bad"

"Self preservation, you said you send out these....Ripples all the time? You cant pull them back?"

"No I tried once it really hurt it was like....It felt like someong ripping my skin off, of burning my nerves i passed out in under a mineut....my fault tho" Arthur sat up leaning over the table

"Whats your fault?" You smiled sadly

"I- after I killed my parents I put it away it was an accident but it was me who did it.....Stopped useing it completly I'd suppressed it then about a year ago.... yeah I had to use it to save my freinds on a school trip... I tried to sheild them protect them, but the oil tanker was huge! I couldnt hold it for long and as much as I wanted to I just couldnt push it back to the water and......my gift it was much stronger then I remembered it hurt.....couldn't hold it... since then I can't put it back"

"So you've always had it? Then surpressed it for years and then it blew up and now you can't control it? I think it reacts to protect you, when you fall you don't want to hit the ground and be hurt so it moves to accommodate you instead your power is trying to protect you."

"That....makes a lot of sense.... shit word tho my names gonna be fucking lame...." Barry laughed.

"eh we can thing of somthing.... well I can they all added man and woman to something" you giggled a little Diana got up smileing at you

"Y/n its late we should probably get you to bed" you blinked at her then got up slowly. Everyone said their good nights as you left the room looking around wearly

"Dont worry, nothing will happen here" she said moving closer slowly hooking an arm across your shoulder you tensed but it only flicked across the floor, like a stepping into a puddle of sand then levled again you relaxed again.

"See? Like Clark said we are family here so just think of us as your aunt and uncles we will protect you...now this is your room you can decorate it soon and there is a small ensuite to, all of us have rooms here homes away from home and soon you will probably be coming with us to our other homes aswell but for now you will stay here training for a while while we sort out the legal side of things. Im across the hall Clark is next door and Bruce two doors down"

"Bruce?" She rolled her eyes a little snorting

"Batman, he always finds a way to hide his own name paranoid bat" you sighed frowning

"ho-how are you going to sort out the social worker thing? I know you said not to worry but I wont be able to sleep..." she smiled patting your shoulder sitting on the bed with you.

"Adoption and as much as I would love to adopt you from what just happend I'm pretty sure Clark isn't going to let anyone else do it"

"Sounds like you knew my situation befor I got here, you can't just adopt me tho thats like a lot of home checks and and you have to pay a lot of money thats not fair-"

"We did know...Bruce has adopted his fair share already and will be pulling a few strings for us tho as I said I'm pretty sure Clark has decided already you need a more quiet stable home, as lovely as Bruces children are they are boisterous and human which can put you on edge which isn't what we want. Clark has one kryptonian son who is older than you and would be well equipped to help you over come any hiccups.Now just relax, go have a shower brush your teeth and get some sleep?" you looked at her wide eyed adopted...By Superman....and having a brother who you also cant hurt.

"Im not tired-" she tilted her head raising a brow at you

"You need sleep your a growing girl, I expect you in bed in half an hour I will know if your not and if your not I'm sending in Clark" you nodded in a way it was nice having someone who cared.

"Good night I will see you in the morning" she said closing the door. You looked across the room it was nice a large twin bed, your bag had been placed on it somehow, a desk tv on the wall built in wardrobe and a door in the corner what you assumed lead to the ensuite. after a few moments you got up using the shower and brushing your teeth before changing and crawling into bed, tonight was strange but it was nice to have somewhere safe to sleep and you was happy you couldnt hurt superman. you fell into a deep sleep fairly easily to warn out not to vaguly aware of someone pokeing their head in the room to check on you.

#justice league x reader #dc imagine #dc x you #dc x reader #dc x y/n #dc x teen reader #justice league x teen reader

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is-that-another-soulmate-au · 4 years

Text

Zukka Soulmate AU part 6

@mypureessence

@chaoticidiott

@ari-shipping-stuff

@knightedbot

@idkhowbutimgayer

@swampy-beans

@angrylittleintrovert

"I'll see you after the war prince Zuko" Jee said while leaving with Zhao

"Traitor" Zuko snipped at him with an angry stare, how could he just leave? He honestly saw him as a friend at that point, not that he ever had a good Idea of friends.

Jee just gave him a sad look and whispered "I'm sorry."

Once left on the boat with just him and his Uncle Zuko felt panicked. He paced back and forth on the ships deck until Iroh pulled him into a hug "don't panic too much Prince zuko, you'll dry out your scar. Say, why don't we go for a short walk together? Perhaps we could find some native flowers along the way"

"I dont want to go for a walk" Zuko pouted "Im going to sleep, dont be out too late, I hope to leave by dawn"

"Do you remember your sailing training?"

"Of course uncle, I went over it every morning with the captain"

Iroh gave him a nod and was off on his walk. Zuko looked towards the moon, it was getting close to a full moon. Maybe he's watching the same moon right now. He flushed at the thought and shook his head before heading to bed.

So they were at the northpole now? Of course he knew they were traveling to find Katara a wonderbending master. Given that there were none in the south pole. That's weird isn't it? Of course the firenation had done something to get the advantage over them but what happened to all the waterbenders? That village did seem rather... small? Why was Sokka the only warrior there? Perhaps the warriors left with what few benders they probably had?

Thinking back to the day he first saw Sokka he remembered only the glare from the boy with war paint covering half his face. He hated him, clearly he did, of course he did, why wouldn't he? What was Zuko but a traitor to his own nation and an enemy to every other nation. He only had one option right? He had to capture Aang and bring him back to his father. That was the only way he'd ever get his fathers love back and he knew that... didn't he? If he knew that then why was it so tempting to take Katara up on her offer to join them, why was he so tempted to try with Sokka?

A sound outside his room brought him out of his train of thought with a start. "Uncle?" With no response he went on the defense, stalking down the hall outside his room. He held a firebending position, ready to defend himself at any given moment.

When he reached the captains room he looked around at the map. A screech from outside caught his attention and he looked up to see that parrot from the pirates he screwed over. "No" it flew off and he heard explosions go off only managing to encase himself with fire as protection a split second before it reached him.

Screaming he flew out the window, gaining a few cuts and scrapes before falling into the water several feet away from his ship. When he came up for air he stayed low and hid behind another ship. The timing was fairly obvious, those pirates were sent by Zhao to kill him.

Meanwhile at the northpole Sokka was laying down on his cozy fur bed ready for sleep when he felt his whole body heat up and pain on his right eye and cheek. "Sokka?" Katara said from the doorway "oh my gods what did he do now?"

Sokka brought his hand up to his cheek and lifted it away to reveal blood just before he had the breath knocked out of him for a good few seconds. Gasping for air once it was flowing again he looked up at her "I..."

"Look you dont have to admit anything but I think someone just tried to kill Zuko... or maybe they succeeded..."

"What? No, he's indestructible, he probably got away and fell or something" He hopes... wait... why would he hope that? Zuko is a prick, he doesn't care if he dies or not.

"For both of your sakes I hope he survived" Katara said, reaching to her necklace

"You never did tell us how you gor that back... did you?" Sokka narrowed his eyes

Katara gave a shy smile "well, I told Aang... guess I forgot to tell you, my bad... Zuko gave it back actually."

"What?" Sokka's shock was more than clear in his voice

"Oh dont sound so shocked Sokka, when the pirates attacked he gave the necklace to me before tying me up and... he actually was the one to give me back the scroll and cut the string... called it a favor and told me to get lost though" she gave a shrug "here, let me help you with those cuts, maybe it'll help him too"

Sokka smiled at her and closed his eyes when she reached him with that glowing water. The sting of the cut was soothed by the cold water almost instantly. "Thank you Katara"

"No problem, now get to sleep so you can get back to wooing the princess tomorrow" she teased

"I am not wooing her, I'm just... I like her okay? And she doesn't have a soulmate but she likes me... or at least I hope she does... I just want to make her happy while I'm here." He paused "I cant be her forever abviously" he gestured to his scar "but I can at least be there for her now right? I think that would be enough to make her happy for a short while" Katara gave a knowing look and juat nodded before Aang came back

"Pakku trained you longer today huh? Early tomorrow we're doing one on one?"

"Yeah, he wanted to make sure I didn't have any distractions" Aang rolled his eyes "and yeah, one on one's are tomorrow, you're gonna kick their butts"

Back on a firenation ship away from the found family and heading towards Ice and cold Zuko was harboring with Iroh on Zhao's ship "you didn't have to do this" he whispered to his uncle while sliding the front cover of his helmet off

"No son of mine is going to stow away on a ship without some back up" wait... son?

"Son?" Zuko asked in a stuttered whisper

Iroh gave a soft chuckle "sorry, I misspoke dear nephew... anyhow, do you have a plan?"

"Im working on it" Zuko slid his cover back on and averted his eyes "When will we reach the pole?"

"By late evening tomorrow.. hide out in the life boat docks, nobody checks those besides me and Jee"

And thats just what he did, resting between the barrels surrounded by ropes and oars. That night Jee managed to slip in to check on him. "Prince" he heard Jee call out to which he sturred and snapped his fingers to alert him to where he was "ah, prince, I came here to give you this"

Jee held out the hair ribbon that had fallen from his hair when he fell out of the ship. "Thank you Jee, I guess I should wear it somewhere else for now"

"Your neck would be best, though that would be more of a placement for a betrothal necklace in their culture so I suggest you wear it around wither your wrist or ankle"

"Betrothal? Like engagement or marraige?.is that what Katara wore? I thought she was fourteen.."

"Yes, that is what she wore, though I feel it was probably passed down in her family and likely does not symbolize engagement." Jee spoke softly while Zuko lifted his sleeve for Jee to tie the ribbon around his forearm

"They've been through alot, I just hope it doesn't mean something too terribly important since I gave it back to her"

"You what?" Jee said as he finished tying the ribbon and pulled down Zuko's sleeve

"Hah, yeah, I wanted to do something... nice I guess..."

"Are you coming around for him" Jee wiggled his eyebrows at Zuko with a grin

"Oh my Agni, shut uuuup" he shoved Jee who only laughed

"Y'know... you remind me alot of my younger brother... before he well.. yeah, the war isn't nice to anyone" Jee gave a small sigh

"How do I remind you of him?"

"Oh you know, stubborn, dramatic, gloomy," Zuko glared at him but Jee only chuckled "and a heart of gold covered in dust laid there by others"

That statement stayed with him the entire time he was breaking into the northpole. A heart of gold. His mind echoed as he came out of the water to find the seal turtle cove. Covered in dust. Rang out as he leapt into the next tunnel. "Laid there by others" he gasped out once he resurfaced in the icetunnel.

He let out a small breath of fire and looked out over the village he was now in. This village would be attacked come sunrise. He only had a small amount of time to rest and get his bearings before then.

He had to find Sokka... no.. no he had to find Aang, though he hoped Sokka was safe with his sister.

Why was he here, what was he doing here? He was here for the avatar... but he couldnt stop thinking about Sokka and his bright blue eyes and his quick thinking. He couldnt help but think about how this would likely hurt him.

He gave a sigh before standing... there was something warm calling him. Not so much calling, but... pulling. He wasn't about to ignore it so he walked towards the heat, but made sure to keep out of sight.

The cold was bitter but not unwelcome... he could live here if he had to right attire. "Look princess, you don't have to have a soulmate to find love" was that... Sokka? He hid behind the wall and peered around it to look at him

"I know that Sokka, but we both know you're already chosen for someone. I appreciate you helping me feel loved while I was here but he will need you" the princess spoke and Sokka looked out away from her

"I know.. but I doubt he'd ever even choose me over his stupid honor" he looked back to her "is it bad to say that I like him? I mean, Yue, Ive always hated my scar, its just so... terrible, you know? But on him?"

Sokka gave a sigh "its not so bad... I mean his eyes Yue, they're so.... so gold its like they're glowing, he's beautiful Yue... but not only that he's strong... and I... I just rambled didn't I?"

Yue laughed "you did" she placed her hand on his unscarred cheek "but that is alright, perhaps Zuko will be able to listen to you ramble on after the war"

Zuko's face was practically boiling at this point, he had to get out of there and find Aang. That is exactly what he did. He found the oasis and spotted Aang and Katara. Wow, so thats what a calm avatar glow is? Nice to not have it detroying your fucking ship.

How he managed to get Aang tied up and in a cave is between him and a specific waterbender who could and would kill him but he'd never actually kill her. No amount of money could convince him to actually kill someone. But here he was with Aang waking up and giving him not a scared or angry look, just a... disappointed look.

"Really?" The airbender said with irritation.

Zuko sighed and just untied the rope and handed it to Aang "yeah yeah, I know, again right? Just tie me up and leave me here"

Aang certainly tied him up but he also tossed him onto the back of Appa when he landed and flicked Sokka's nose so he'd feel it. "I said leave me" he pouted

"And I didnt agree to it" Aang chirped and landed at the lead for Appa

"You didnt even say anything to it"

"Exactly now shut up and accept the help flippy"

"Flippy? Where did that come from?"

Aang just turned to him and then back to where he was steering Appa "You know where"

"Whatever" he pouted and turned away from them.

Watching the scene with Zhao, his uncle and the trio plus Yue play out Zuko worked on untying himself and luckily Sokka left his machete on the saddle and he was able to utilize that because dang were those knots good.

He ran after where he knew Zhao would flee and gave chase as soon as he spotted him. Throwing a fire blast at him and watching his face turn from defense to confusion to shock was amusing. "You? Impossible!"

"You tried to have me killed!" He screamed out as he landed on the ice beside Zhao

"Of course I did, youre the blue spirit, a traitor to the firenation!" The fight went on

"I had no choice!" Zuko cried out

"You could have chosen to accept your failure! Maybe then you could have lived!"

"Why would I want to live knowing a man who's biggest threat was a fucking fish beat me when I can easily break through his supposedly impenetrable fort and steal a twelve year old right from under his nose!" Zuko taunted with a laugh

"Because then you might have a chance to see your father one last time!" Zhao taunted back while jumping to the bridge

Zuko gave a shout and swept a fire circle under Zhao's feet and sent him to the ground "I dont want to see that bastard again unless he's six feet under when he loses to the avatar"

"So you are joining them?" Zhao growled out.

"No. I'm just accepting what needs to happen." He didnt manage to make his final blow because the water spirit swallowed up Zhao who refused his helping hand when offered.

The trek to Iroh and Jee at the small raft was easier than the journey in. He sat cross legged on the edge, just simply watching the waters "uncle... can you cut my hair?"

Iroh turned to him "of course Zuko... might I ask why?"

"Because I'm not on the side of fire anymore"

Iroh gave a small sigh but nodded "let me cut my hair with you? I've been waiting for you to decide this for some time" And so Zuko and Iro shed their high hairstyles, watching the hair float away.

"Are you planning on reaching out to young Sokka soon?" Jee asked with a small smile

"No, I just want to sleep"

"Then you should rest prince Zuko," a gentle but firm hand was placed on Zuko's shoulder "a man needs his rest" Zuko looked at Iroh who had placed his hand there and then to Jee who jusf nodded

"Okay" was all he said before laying down on the raft and drifting to sleep.

#avatar the last airbender #avatar: the last airbender #prince zuko #atla zuko #zuko #atla sokka #sokka #zukka #i will die on my endless soulmate au hill #soulmate alternate universe #soulmates #RayMakesSoulmates

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stevengrantshubby · 3 years

Text

okay, okay okay, okay. so here i go, idk if there will be a point in this but im gonna write it up anyways. so follow me down this weird half thought thur path or whatever

okay, so we know that tfatws takes place 6 months after endgame, long enough for things to no longer be new and the problems with what the avengers did (or undid if you prefer) are really setting in, not even a full year. the people who came back from the blip have only had 6 months to figure out whats going on, where their families were if they still had them, ect, ect and only 6 months for the people who were left behind to “adjust” to having everything ripped away from them. i do wonder about a lot of things from this time, but i doubt that we’ll get a ton of concrete answers about it.

anyways.

when we see sam in the opening action scene hes very confident and self-assured. hes in his element so to speak. hes strong, smart on his feet, and we see sam use his new wings as a shield multiple times which to me feels like either a kind of statement that sam doesnt need the shield or to show that he would be really good with the shield, it feels important somehow considering who important the shield becomes in the show.

also, the military guy tells sam that once the LAF get across the tunisia boarder its supposed to be a no-fly zone so to speak which is why it was important for sam to get him before which hints that not everywhere got rid of boarders. like, tunisia is in northern africa and when we meet the flag smashers later theyre mostly in eastern eurpoe and also torres makes a comment about things not being better during the blip and his american (im pretty sure) so again where these things are happening in relation to boarders and the like it still makes me think about how the world worked through the blip, but again probably wont get concrete answers.

also in this episode we see the first instance of sam being recognized for who he is by a man from tunisia (who im going to consider a character of color tho im not sure if this is considered accurate in the real world) and not recognized by white american men, this happens in episode two as well.

while the shield sort of becomes the super important symbol, we are also shown in this episode that steve has been kind put on a pseudo god-like position. yes, its a joke to ask if hes the moon of all places, but the whole “looking down on us”/”watching over us” feels a lot like the christian capital-G God. he has been put on this kind of pedestal by the people who really didnt know anything about him and also bucky (but hes been hanging by a thread for a while it seems so its a little different) in contrast to sam.

sam has a lot of respect for steve. he calls him courageous, righteous, and hopeful. the best in us because these emotions are supposed to inspire “good works” as it were. sam then states that the world needs new heroes for the current times and that symbols only have meaning because of the people who give them meaning. and upon my rewatch this feels sam want to preserve the meaning that steve, his friend, imbued into the shield but also wants to move forward. i do think that the fact that sam is a black man who is not treated very well by america plays into his decision as well, i also think the fact that we hear the lines from endgame:

- it feels like it belongs to someone else.

-it doesnt.

is important. right now im thinking that the shield is essentially meaningless because steve is gone for all intents and purposes and he dropped it without a second thought. like i get it, in terms of what the show is doing and like i said, how people who dont know steve would probably react but even so many weeks later it sits weird. even the dora milige left the shield behind even though its made of stolen vibranium, cause its just a thing. anyways...

rhodey, after the speech, parrots back at sam that they do live in a different time, but he thinks that this different time does require someone to carry the shield.

then we meet sams sister and his nephews. sam and his sisters relationship does hold a lot of tension between them but theres still so much love there as well. its very normal, reminds me of tension that i feel between myself and some of my family members and that i see between different family members as well.

sarah wilson is a black woman who, like many black women I know, have been holding things together the best she can with (seemingly) not much help. we know that sam left after their father died (i dont remember if their mother is also dead), he couldnt handle it as stated, so he went off and fought. but in being gone he sarah ran the business the best she could. shes also a widow, not sure when that happened but y'know thats there too.

but ii think that how sam feels about his familys home and boat in contrast with how he treated the shield kind of. sam references the boat as their familys legacy (sarah also calls their dad a 'giant' and that not mattering to the bank and probably others) and he doesnt want to let that go no matter what. however both of these are acts of preservation on sams part, just in different ways. he tried to let one go while desperately trying to hold on to the other, one to be put in stasis and one to move forward, grow, passed down ect, ect.

now sam really only tries to get involved with the flag smashers because he theyre super soldiers. and i guess youd call this the inciting incident part of act one.

now the next three episodes are very intertwinded in the plot and what kind of world sam would be becoming captain america in. sam makes an off handed comment that sharon, zemo, and bucky are more worldly than him but thats true. and he does have to...learn, is the best word i have. i mean, the most he can do right now is “make a call” as he puts it which really isnt a lot considering whats been going on.

and to backtrack (sorry if this is all over the place) we do see sam constantly empathizing with the flag smashers and more specifically karli consistently throughout the show. if they werent super soldiers hed not have crossed their path the way that he did. throughout the show, well before episode 4, sam is really focused on like where exactly the super soldiers are coming from, the fact that the flag smashers are stealing money, and food, and medicine he doesnt really care.

when he has his heart to heart with karli the main problem that he has honestly, is the murders (and i do wish that there was distinction made cause that is important, but i know that in show sam probably doesnt know that karli blew up a building with people tied up in it like we do but its important that we know that), when he says that the killings wouldnt make the world better just different along with karli saying “theyre roadblocks on my journey and id kill them again if i had to” (which is 1. very dehumanizing, 2. she says 'my' and not 'our', and 3. she didnt have to kill these low level workers) is more a restructuring of power instead of dismantling it.

like theres a lot here but my minds not connecting fully.

i know the show isnt over so ii dont really have a conclusion (i honestly havent even said half of what I took notes about) but its like 4 am here and I gotta go to bed. And I dont want this ti be multiple parts right now I just needed to get this outta my system lol.

part 2 whenever

#tfatws #the falcon and the winter soldier #sam wilson #//these is really bad actually lol dont read it im tired

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sophocused · 5 years

Text

uni recap 2019

I think it's really important for young studyblrs still in high school or junior high to be exposed to more detailed and honest uni experience anecdotes, so buckle up because it’s about to get real honest and a little personal in here.

I'm in the middle of the fall term of my second uni year, technically now in the 2nd year of my general B.Sc. and I need to start from the beginning a little bit, especially when it comes to my academic journey so far.

Let's start with junior high, when adults always want to ask what you want to be when you grow up. After going to a career symposium with friends, a field trip run by the school, that's when I heard about the College of Pharmacy at the "top" university of the province.

First thing that attracted me was that they make an annual $100k a year, and to my 14 year old impressionable mind that was convinced that my future had to revolve around making bank, I decided from there that I would work towards the end goal of becoming a pharmacist.

I was convinced that pharmacy was the ultimate goal to get my life going, as a real functioning adult of society.

Fortunately, I was wrong. It was a hard pill to swallow, but a necessary one nonetheless.

Since this is an academic recap, I won't bring up the mental health and physical health bits of the last eight years of my life, I'll fastforward to high school senior year, when I decided I would (as a minimal effort-get straight A's student) actually TRY in my studies again. It was because my work ethic had grown to a point that when I didn't try and still got a B or A, I was scared of the moment I would actually try and then not get an A or A+. I wanted to fight that fear of realizing that I'm not "effortlessly good at thngs" because I didnt want to have a fear of failure.

(Disclaimer: it's been three years since then and I'm still a work in progress when it comes to my relationship with failures but it is getting consistently healthier, despite bumps)

Thus, I started this studyblr three years ago, June 30th 2016 I believe?? My url was chemystery for the first few days but sophocused came up because of sophocles (not that hes my fave philosopher or anything) it just stuck ANYWAY IM GETTING DISTRACTED

So I actually tried in my last year of high school, worked hard and got A's in physics, pre-calculus, and AP chemistry. The AP chemistry came with a provincial exam, that in getting a score of 4, granted me a $150 reward, and the grade of a B in two university courses (2 chem prerequisites)

I was a fool and no one exactly explained to me that those 2 courses were even harder when taught through uni, because I really wasted nearly $1000 in taking those two courses again in my first year of uni, in hopes of turning them into A's.

I should probably mention that going into uni, the pharmacy program had 2 chem, 2 bio, 1 calc, 1 written course, and 2 electives, as prerequisites. My innocent mind, thinking it wouldn't be a big deal, registered for a full five and five course load, so that I could finish all my prerequisites within my first year of uni, and apply for the college of pharmacy by March. (Back then, it was still a Bachelor's program where selection process depended on your AGPA, and your mark on a written critical skills essay)

I learned the hard way that for university, it is a mentally and emotionally laborious task to try and juggle five classes, having to hold yourself accountable when it comes to attendance and figuring out what notes you want to take. There's no way to write physical hand-written notes for five courses (not for me anyway).

It was incredibly fast-paced as well, and I had many days where I just didn't want to get out of bed. I was so conflicted with my perfectionist mindset, and the pressure to get a 4.0 GPA that I spread myself so thin and honestly it was one of the most difficult years of my life. I still got out with 8 B's and 2 A's by the end of my first year. I was ashamed of those B's.

When it came to applying for pharmacy however, despite the grades I got, my GPA didn't make it to the minimum 3.50 needed to be applicable for pharmacy, but I got my transcript a month after I had already applied for pharmacy and I had even done the written exam.

I had to face my first big failure which was getting the email that they couldnt even look over or consider my application because my GPA did not reach the minimum required.

On top of that, I learned that I could not just simply try again the next year. This was because suddenly, the university decided they were going to change the Bachelors pharmacy program into a PharmD. A doctorate. To me, that meant they added eight more prerequisites (even more difficult uni courses with chem and human phys), and a required PCAT score. We also were not allowed to apply until Fall 2020. That meant, I now suddenly had no plan for my academic career for the next two years because I had really only ever thought about getting into pharmacy on the first try.

After a breakdown or two last year upon processing this, I had made the decision and talked to my parents about trying for it again, and doing the new prerequisites. This brought in the new mental turmoil of money on my mind during my summer after first year of uni, thousands of dollars this would cost, suddenly having no routine for four months after working at max brain capacity for 6 months.

My 2nd year of uni, fall 2018, a lot of growing had happened, a lot of processing of failure happened, just. a lot. happened.

October 2018, I got a job at a school, so I really juggled my school stuff with work. Five days a week, I would be up at 6-7am and then get home around 6:30pm, while doing human physiology, organic chemistry 1, an eastern religions elective, and an intro to statistics course.

long story short, yes I must spare you the details of the process of it all because it got pretty sad. That was my worst uni term, ending with 1 B, 1 C+, 1 C, and an F in organic chem.

My first F in university. My first F ever in my entire school life. It was a begrudging blow at my mental state, and I spent two to three weeks devastated. I dont know how I got out of it, I think one day I just said to myself, "Okay you got an F, but did you die?"

Honestly, the humour in that really cheered me up, among other things, and the emotional support I got from my older sister, and by the time I got into the 2nd half of my uni year (right now), I have discovered I potentially have a calling to become a teacher or to work in the lab as a technician.

Most importantly, most if not all of the credits I've earned, are also applicable to get into the Faculty of Education. Basically, I came to peace with having options, and digging deep into myself to really find the thing that I could really see myself doing based on my personality and interests, not just on the money and the rush of finishing school.

I just finished the longest midterm season of winter 2019, with my first midterm being early February and my last midterm + essay deadline on March 15th... I did well. I did well in trying to really take care of myself while trying to go to every class and trying to work hard as much as I could everyday. I think out of my many midterms, I got 1 A, 4 B's, and a C. These are all salvageable. I do still really want to keep working towards a 4.5 GPA but now I'm okay if that doesnt always turn out to be what I get.

Anyway I finally get to write something like this because I've been busy for the past month, a lot of things happened again in the midst of it all, but I'm still okay. I get a week to rest before my lab exam and then it's finals season.

This time, I'll try hard not to just let my life pass me by, with only ever school and academics in mind, I had gotten really sad these past few weeks, and I'm usually good at being my own antidote for that, but I really got to a point where I felt I had no strength to pick myself back up.

Last night I said "fuck it" and decided to go to my cousin's house who I hadn't seen in over a month to spend time with them instead of working on my 30% essay due midnight. Before I was so desperate to finish it, terrified of the 2% deduction per day it would be late, but after crying on the bus, I had had enough of letting my academics bring this much weight on my mental health. After spending four hours with my cousins and aunt, I came home to my mom, and I watched a two hour movie with her.

I didn't regret it one bit. I felt better than I had in a long, long while.

Now, this Friday, my grandma and other cousin are flying in, and I cant wait to just keep healing.

Thank you for reading, or scanning over, I hope you got something good out of this, as I am telling this story both for my sake, and for other students’ who might commonly find themselves in the same boat. I believe in you.

#nina rambles #march 17 2019 #happy st. patrick's day #studyblr #studyblr tips #uni studyblr #university stories #university ramble #uni student #uni diaries #college struggles #uni struggles

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theboxghost · 6 years

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strap yourselves in bitches because this is one hella long post about Cowboy and how I have a type and that type is weird dudes who have girlfriends. How is that possible? How is it so specific? but apparently it is. I dunno I should just stop looking at dudes altogether. now I AM AWARE that his face is in this and also his name is in the screenshots.. thats not the point. this is so obviously only about one person that it doesnt matter, it’s about the tag.

anyway. cowboy.

So here is a lovely photo of us on the way back through soi cowboy when I realised I wanted to do a lot of stuff to this guy

and I dont know what he was thinking, but looking back and seeing this message after we both got back to our respective rooms, I’m not sure his mind was totally innocent, although I may be just reading too much into this. What do you think? very tiny list of made up people who read my blog aka nobody I’m just venting. anyway

does that sound like a sexy thing to you? It didnt at the time but after my next few days of messages I have kind of changed my mind.

so of course I’m still trying not to follow him around like a puppy because I just want to hang out with him ALL THE DAMN TIME.. but that’s fine, I just die a little bit.

there is a pool hang out one night and the girls had like a high school discussion of their top three boys, and obvously I said cowboy, acai, and this other guy angus, but later, drunk me told a few of the girls that my top three is actually just cowboy 3 times because it’s true. the stuff I would do to that guyyyyyyyy

anyway it’s the same for a bit, until the wednesday night, We go back to maggie choos. we chat. my social ineptness can never tell flirting apart from conversation because im a piece of shit and assume everyone is flirting with me because I’m always flirting. but I was DEFINITELY flirting, and I felt like he was too. he grabbed my hand and we went to dance. dancing with him is really fun.

a few of us decide the night isnt over, and we take a tuk tuk back to the hotel and cant decide if we want to go watch the soccer or go find somewhere to dance. we all split up, but of course I go with cowboy to dance. It’s so much fun.

at some stage he asks me about my top 3 that we were talking about, which is interesting because I know for a fact chelsea already told him that he was in mine... he just wanted to hear it from me. So I tell him the original ones i said.

we are VERY drunk, and he is getting a bit handsy and I don’t stop him. it’s like the first real good feeling close dancing I ever had, except it was to shit bangers. Like... I’m salty about it. Anyway he grabs my hand and puts it around his waist, and his hands are on my back, and my face is like buried in his neck and I am dead. I am dying.. I am dead. So dead. I am loving life. Also I hate life why do I let myself get into situations like this?

so afterwards when we are on the way home we stop off at the soccer to see the others, but I am wayyy too drunk and he decides to take me home. In the elevator I tell him that i lied about my top three, and that my top three is just him three times. then I stopped listening.

he walks me to my door, and says I still owe him a kiss for getting me the snickers. I kiss him on the cheek and he says “that was very aggressive”. it was. Because I wanted to kiss him so bad but I couldnt.

I went back to my room and drunkenly messaged him something about taking it too far and it was dangerous for me because I’m super attracted to him.

I am totally on board??? what the fuck is that man? are you kidding me? this is not helping me in the situation of me wanted to fuck you A LOT.

thursday we don’t get up to much, just regular hangs. we don’t acknowledge the conversation

friday me and cowboy and another guy go to a pool bar for a while and get very drunk. this time it is definitely flirting. I’m toughing him a lot and he says something about me purposefully brushing up against him, which I am, and then says something about whether we should make a big mistake tonight or tomorrow night, and then says tomorrow is probably easier (because my room mate was leaving a day early). I’m like dude you shouldnt be planning that I feel bad, but not bad enough to stop doing exactly what I’m doing.

The other guy is really good about it, he is talking sense in to me and I appreciate him a lot. and we all go to bed to the pool and of course... chelsea is there who has been following brad like ever since i mentioned him in my top 3, but whatever. it’s not a competition because he isnt even single, but feel free to keep teling me all the reasons to think that there is an inappropriate thing happening with you two... but anyway. she is a whole different story...

so we all go to bed

then I have a bit of an afternoon hang out with cowboy at the aussie bar without mentioning anything about these conversations, and on the way up in the lift i get to my floor and he says “so do you still want to make one last bad decision?” I told him it was a bad idea even though I wanted to, and I left.

but fucking hell marlowe can’t help herself. So i messaged him some reasonings as to why and the conversation got down to this:

we chat a bit more about it. I’m trying to not tell him to come down stairs right now and fuck me because thats all I want SOOO bad... but I’m also talking to paul at the same time and he is doing a great job of supporting my will power.

well he says he has actually been thinking about it for way longer than that. Now I don’t know if that means me specifically, or just in general. but I am struggling with my willpower because I want this guy a lot.

eventually he decides to think about it... says he is wrestling with it and I say that if he hasnt made a decision he probably doesnt want to. He says: “I’ll regret it if I don’t”

well fuck man, you��re killing me here. but me, being a saint and actually wanting to be his friend after this (which I can’t be if he cheats on his gf with me... i dont want to be that guy), I tell him to come down here and we will watch a movie and I wont hit on him and he will see that friends is really good.

and we do just that. hang out.

after the movie we go get dinner and of course chelsea tags along, says she isnt even hungry but just wanted the walk, how convenient. ok no ranting about her and how she like to mention every 5 seconds that she ONLY wears lacy thongs all the time.. i digress.

on the way home cowboy says goodbye and im like no man you wake me up when you are leaving I dont care how early it is

he wakes me up in the morning at like 6, we say that we made an excellent decision, and I hug him and give him a nice kiss on the cheek. and I die inside a little haha

i walk around the shops for the day before my flight and I realise... I have not thought about end game for the entire week. this guy is so great that end game was gone for a week, he literally didnt even cross my mind. what the hell

i buy him one of the jesus pictures that we kept walking past... except jesus is on a boat wtf. I send him a message from the airport about being great friends and hanging out. and I tell him to hit me up if he is ever single.

although I dont want it to seem like I’m only hanging out with him waiting for sex... I legit enjoy his company so I’m happy to be his friend 100%, even if I never get to sleep with him. But damn those close quarters made my life hard.

and thats the end of that LOOOONG chapter

#text #journal #cowboy #end game

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