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revols-headcanons · 1 year

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dipper and mabel: piedmont life

also this is borderline a fanfic but i have no motivation or peer pressure to actually write one. also warning there are OC’s in this post. this is potentially part 1 of a series?

both of them are autistic but in different ways. dipper is a “i am so insecure of my place in the world that I can immediately notice when there’s a dip in a conversation because of me” who would rather be alone then face social rejection. mabel is a “i think im really good with people because i am so unaware of social cues that i think everyone is being nice to me” who learned how to tell fake vs true niceness.

neither of them were diagnosed as kids, and how they both figured out was due to mabel helping the disabled classroom at her school and noticing similar habits and thought process from them. then dipper did research and they were like “oh okay that makes sense.”

in their sophomore year of high school, they both had identity crisis’ but in different ways: dipper became an overly cocky ‘too cool for anyone’ loner while mabel had a raging emo phase. both of them became deeply embarrassed of those phases the second they got out of them.

in their 8th grade english class, they did a duo project where they explained their entire summer (the prompt was to tell a fantasy three act story). dipper did the reading while mabel did the visuals (aka one of those pop up books but bigger and with her sound effects). their teacher asked them where their vivid imaginations came from and they told some excuse about being bored all summer.

their parents (who i am naming ingrid and robert) are (rightfully) pissed and confused when their kids start showing major symptoms of ptsd and depression. stan has literally no excuse for it and the twins keep dodging the questions.

ingrid is a anxious, stuck up mother who prioritizes education while robert is the relaxed father who expects the world but refuses to give help or support. let’s just say the twins don’t stay home as much. especially after the disaster the first week at home was when the twins brought waddles home.

after the summer, mabel gets into the trivia club and also tries out the science/engineering/robotics club (she also plays soccer, golf, and volleyball). her arts and crafts skills become incredibly useful when making a wooden structure with the purpose of finding the exact angle and falling distance for a marble. meanwhile dipper decides to try out for both track and football (he’s also in photography club and the school newspaper). dipper is the weakest member on the football team, but he’s the quickest runningback they’ve ever had, so the team doesn’t bully him too much for it. he’s consistently in the top 5 for his school during track.

mabel’s first high school friend is a black girl in her robotics club named aubrey. aubrey has adhd and has basically the same hobbies as mabel (i.e: karaoke, shopping, dancing, art). her second friend she meets at theater auditions (for the school musical, into the woods) where mabel watches her do a 10/10 audition performance and compliments her. she is south asian and named kamini, and her interests consist of theater, soccer, and english. her third friend ends up being the emo loner boy that she talks to on the first day. he’s latino and his name is dante. his hobbies consist of skateboarding, karaoke, and video games.

dipper’s first friend ends up being the younger brother of the football team captain, which is what makes the team stop bullying him. his friend is this kind of egotistical, yet himbo nerd of a dude named ethan— who’s a white boy with blond hair and freckles. ethan is interested in soccer and track as well as trivia, and they met during orientation week when they were the only two kids being ignored for the track club. dipper’s second friend comes from his ap english class, where he watched them cuss out someone for trying to harass a girl in the class. they’re asian and non binary and they go by paine. they like chess, english, and dnd, which is why dipper gets along with them so well.

dipper is able to convince ethan and paine to start a dnd session together, with dipper as dungeon master.

mabel eventually forces dipper into joining the program and dipper agrees to be backstage crew. it works out fine until they realize that their play has an unusually low tryout for men so mabel begs him to tryout for a lead role. he gets it because the programs desperate. he ends up playing either percy or grover in the lightning thief, and mabel gets casted as clarisse/katie/etc.

mabel loves taylor swift (specifically red, 1989, and lover) and also doja cat. she dabbles in ariana grande and marina from time to time as well. dipper has nightmares when he hears mabel, aubrey, and dante singing karaoke for first time.

dipper listens to cavetown and mitski mainly before paine and ethan lightly bully him into listening to the arctic monkeys and gorillaz. he creates aesthetic playlists for when he’s monster/creature hunting. neither of his friends believe him when he describes super natural things until (on two separate occasions) he shows them videos of gravity falls shenanigans and when they run into anomalies in piedmont.

mabel ends up getting a crush on ethan and then dipper has that tragic disaster to deal with.

dipper gets a minor crush on kamini before he learns that she views him as this cute little thing to watch but not dateable.

due to dipper’s boost in confidence, girls notice him and try to ask him out. he gets really flustered and confused, especially when girls who bullied him suddenly want to be with him. he rejects them all.

mabel realizes she’s bisexual when she gets a crush on aubrey and has a mental breakdown about it. she confesses, aubrey says that she doesn’t like the concept of dating at all, mabel takes the rejection decently, and they continue being the best of friends.

mabel gets jokingly asked out by a football boy and then dipper gets so pissed off he punches the dude in the face (mabel had no time to react, because if she did, she would’ve also joined the fight). a fist fight ensues, they both get suspended, and no one messes with mabel ever again.

mabel ends up befriending nearly everyone due to how kind and considerate she is. even girls who hated her from middle school soften because of her. she is a god.

most people are neutral towards dipper due to how he doesn’t really initiate social interactions, but that’s how he likes it.

dipper is an avid buzzfeed unsolved fan while mabel watches danny gonzales, drew goodman, etc.

dipper is trans. he realized he was trans when he was like 8, and he’s been a boy since. he was mainly bullied for being trans, but ever since he got confident, learned how to kick ass, and started taking testosterone, people have left him alone. also his name ‘mason,’ he specifically chose to appease his parents (who wanted two twins with ‘m’ starting names that had 5 letters each), but he goes by dipper because that’s the name he would’ve actually chosen.

the twins have separate rooms at their parents house, but they keep accidentally passing out on each other’s floors (or on mabel’s beanbag, or at dipper’s desk). their parents ask why all of a sudden and the twins say they just got closer over the summer. they would never admit it’s because sleeping in the same room as someone who experienced the same trauma is relieving.

mabel constantly calls grenda and candy, reassuring them that while she also loves aubrey and kamini, that her gravity falls friends will always be her favorites.

robert’s favorite child is mabel because, although he has unfair expectations of them, he gives mabel excuses because she’s more art and people focused, while he’s overly harsh on dipper. ingrid’s favorite is dipper because he also likes puzzles, board games, and higher education, while she looks down upon mabel for being childish and irresponsible.

dipper refuses to give any explanation for having wendy’s hat instead of a normal cap. theories range from ‘he has a girlfriend’ to ‘he murdered a man for it.’ he also cried when a bully threw it in the trash once.

the twins have a bet for whoever becomes the tallest by the time they enter the mystery shack the next summer: whoever’s taller gets to pawn their summer chores off onto the other one for the whole summer. mabel gets at least 8 hours of sleep a night to help herself (though her diet is wack) while dipper eats a lot of height-growing food items to help himself (though he’s never had a consistent sleep schedule in his life).

#gravity falls #gf headcanons #gravity falls headcanons #dipper pines #mabel pines #mystery twins #pines twins #i had to google football terminology for this and ask my boyf a lot of football related questions with 0 explanation #anyways back to my headcanons #bisexual mabel pines #bi mabel #transmasc dipper #bisexual mabel #trans dipper pines #mabel doesn’t have to be pansexual you guys #and if the twins are supposed to be identical #identical twins are impossible for opposite sex #so one of them is trans #and dipper has a lot of sus behavior when in reference to his masculinity #like way more than the average teenage boy #also he’s not a misogynistic prick like irl teen boys #autistic mabel pines #autistic dipper pines #idc if you think im headcanoning every character as autistic #here are some neurotypical ppl: wendy pacifica robbie lazy susan gideon-#just dipper mabel stan ford mcgucket and soos are all autistic

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angelsofneonandgarbage · 3 months

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sorey for being a bit. scary on main. i just finished madk vol. 3 which is finally out in english and i was so excited for it but the ending is a near closed-loop cyclical ending which always really bothers me n puts me in a state in nihilistic anxiety/dissociation idk but also. it just makes me wanna feel things again. i wanna stop taking my meds. ive had the upped dose for a week ish now n its bringing back my paranoia which should settle in a week tops but it's bothering me bc it means i cant listen to tma bc that's creepy enough to set it off. sorry i swear my mental health has actually been better these last couple of days im slowly regaining mental functionality to an extent but i keep slipping and falling and i just. don't have the spoons to figure out every problem i have and address them enough to be functional again. like there's the attachment problems w my ex which keep coming back every time i feel like jm getting over them, the chronic exhaustion and general symptoms of pots, my meds fucking with me, general depression but also manic episodes, the fact im way over budget but my mum wants me to get her a 60 quid fountain pen for her birthday/mothers day and im not going to be there to see her around that time anyway sso i have even less of an excuse to cheap out. and ive been committedly lying abt my mental state to my parents to convince them im getting better than i was at xmas even tho im worse bc my mum will come up here and invade my uni life if she realises how bad i am doing

ah yeah i hate when fiction leads to like a major dissociative bit especially bc i love to use media as an escape when im floating out my body and then it goes and makes it worse and sets off a chain reaction of pent up shittiness? the absolute worst fr

not to sound like an overbearing parent but pls take ur meds !!!!! ik it sucks rn getting thru the adjustment phase but think of how things will change once u get used to them! u may not notice a crazy positive change right away but think of the small things. like u can listen to tma again once ur adapted to ur meds!! even if it’s something small that gets u thru daily tasks like that. u could take ur pills in the morning and be like “this is for u martin”

and oh god ex drama we both know that one well. idk if it would help but maybe if every time u have a like thought abt them that makes u feel any way that’s great just text me ur thoughts to try and get them out yk. like how i texted u like “the voices!!” when i was talking abt my ex like the other week pls feel free to do that back if u think it would help

and exhaustion and depression suck man i wish i had some like quippy little tip or smthn for u there but i’m suffering right there with u on those. and maybe just the thought that we’re going thru that together could help? holding ur hand thru the horrors <3

and oh man money problems r the worse omg. ik u said the pen is like 60 quid and mothers day is coming up so idk what ur like personal budget is looking like but me when i’m trying to make bigger purchases is i set aside a few bucks a day like just a few dollars $2 or $3 nothing that seems like a lot just a little snack or drink price but somthing that adds up a decent bit when done for a few days straight and u have like two ish weeks till then right? so u could make a decent dent with that plan

and hey i’m all for lying to parents but i think u shoukd consider the possibility that u may need to ask for help at one point even tho that’s so hard and ur mom will get all up in ur business but maybe it could help. or u could think of ur daily life like ur mom is there or nearby as a way to like watch urself and try to control what ur doing if that makes sense?

#hi sorry i hope this made sense and i hope u don’t find my response annoying i felt like i had to say more back than just augh man that #sucks im sorry so i hope some of this helps a little? if its not for u tho that’s 100% ok i hope u find things that help u soon <3 #also not sure if u wanted this private or not so i can totally change it if u don’t watch this public #.🫀

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keiratheraven · 4 years

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Bentley 8 Squad Characters Description

(First, forgive me for my broken English. Second, sims close-up in sims 3 gameplay isn't so good and I can't install pose player for some reason, so I have to go to CAS just to take their closeups).

This is the description of the characters from my fanfiction, Bentley 8 Squad. Like I said in my previous post, they called themselves "Bentley 8" because all of them like Bentley cars. They are living together in a house in Sim City. Each nicknames represent their traits/styles and positions in this squad. Their friendships are inseparable, and they're always there for each other. They established a mental health community named "Im-perfection", and their goal is to help everyone who struggles with mental health. Their Im-perfection community tagline is: "It's okay to not be perfect, and we are perfect because of it". Despite their obstacles, they're always finding ways to chase their dreams in their early 20's. By the way, some original characteristics are changed for the storyline.

Angela Pleasant (Bentley Queen) - age 20

She's ambitious, fashionable, popular, cheerful, and a trendsetter. As a cheerleader captain and queen bee of Pleasantview high school, Angela knows how to fit in. She's always friendly to everyone despite her stuck-up personality, and it made some people nicknamed her "phony" behind her back. But as she gets older, she became more sincere, especially after she's taking a master's degree in psychology. She and her twin sister, Lilith, disliked each other when they were teens. But she apologized to her and they became friends. She also has interests in fashion design. She's a great home cook, and excellent at making cakes. Angela is a good listener to her seven housemates. She loves Dustin so much although they came from different social circles. She suffers from eating disorders and endometriosis, but it doesn't limit her to become a (soon-to-be) psychologist.

Lilith Pleasant (Bentley Gothic) - age 20

She's often misunderstood due to her attitude and black clothing. She's sharp, gloomy, sarcastic, hot-headed, and somewhat rude. But she's really nice if you know her well, and she will do everything for her close friends and lover (especially her boyfriend, Dirk).

Despite her parents (Daniel and Mary-Sue Pleasant) treated her unfairly and favored Angela over her, plus she and Angela disliked each other when they were teens, she's forgiving and didn't hold grudges. Unlike Angela who was a queen bee, Lilith was one of the outcasts in high school. As a lead vocalist in her high school band, and she's taking art major, Lilith is a great artist and talented rock singer/guitarist. She has bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder, but her manic-depressive phases make her even better at making arts and music. That's the way she deals with her mental disorders : pouring all her emotions into creations as a coping mechanism.

Dustin Broke (Bentley Rogue) - age 22

He's rebellious, bad-ass, tough, daredevil, and likes to break the laws. He used to be a criminal and drug dealer in high school. He liked to smoke weed and use cocaine. Back then, he liked to steal things. But actually, he's not a bad person. He's really soft on the inside but pretends to be tough. He cares a lot about his seven housemates, especially his beloved girlfriend (Angela). His mother, Brandi Broke, is married to Dirk's father (Darren Dreamer) several years after his father (Skip Broke) passed away.

Then, he realized his dream was never to become a criminal. He quits his criminal career to become an architect. Also, he suffers from schizophrenia caused by the drugs and trauma (his then-alcoholic mother, Brandi Broke, often beat him up when he was a teen), but medications and his job keeps him stable. He's getting nicer and trying to do good, although his rebellious nature is never faded.

Dirk Dreamer (Bentley Brain) - age 21

He's good, selfless, genius, bookworm, and compassionate. He's the smartest among them in this squad. He graduated from medical school at age 19, then he took psychiatry specialization aside from his dream to be a general practitioner because he wants to recover his girlfriend (Lilith), his step-brother (Dustin), and his best friend (Angela) from their mental disorders. As a kind doctor, Dirk is always helping people or put everyone's priority first before him, especially all of his housemates. His hard-work is because he wants to make his late mother proud. He's good at treating sick people or saving lives, and he'll be distressed if he fails to keep them alive. But, he has a terrible sense of humor. He has a library in their house, full of his book collections. Despite his struggle with type 1 diabetes, it doesn't stop him to become a successful doctor. He wrote a best-selling book about his journey as a diabetic psychiatric resident.

Johnny Smith (Bentley Leader) - age 23

He's nice, athletic, charismatic, commanding, and a party animal. He's so confident despite having a green skin due to alien descent. As the squad leader (and the oldest member) who has a black belt in karate, Johnny is trying his best to guide and protect all his friends and lover (Ophelia) in this squad. Johnny is a great organizer and planner. His perfectionist nature makes him never missed any arrangement. He has a bachelor's degree in business. He also likes to be a party DJ in the clubs. He's the second-best home cook in their household after Angela. Although sometimes he's loud and bossy to his seven housemates, it's because he cares and wants the best for them. He suffers from OCD and PTSD because he got beaten up by 9 people, stabbed on his abdomen, and thrown to the filthy dumpster due to hate crime against green-skinned sims when he was 18. But, he's trying to let go of the past, learning karate, and became a successful young executive.

Ophelia Nigmos (Bentley Flower) - age 22

She's kind, worrywart, mysterious, graceful, and patient. She likes every kind of flower, and her hobbies are gardening and writing. Motherly and nurturing, Ophelia knows how to give attention to her seven friends/housemates (especially her boyfriend, Johnny). She likes children, and she's working as a kindergarten (sometimes elementary school) teacher. She's also a talented writer. She has a strong interest in literature and has a bachelor's degree in it. She's also a successful blogger and their Im-perfection website admin as well. Her parents died when she was 10, and she became independent and quiet since she moved to Olive Specter's house in Strangetown. She's often panicking and worrying about the smallest things. Although she has anxiety and paranoid personality disorder, caused by the ghosts of her old house, only writing and gardening that can calm her down beside the meds.

Ripp Grunt (Bentley Clown) -

age 21

He's playful, humorous, hyperactive, talkative, and a heartbreaker. He slept with more than ten women (and also slept with men). But, he never fell in love with them like the way he fell in love with Ophelia and Johnny. As a drama student, Ripp is a talented actor and entertainer. He's great at imitating impressions. He can do a pantomime or stand up comedies as well. He likes to sing/play guitar and often posting duet cover videos with Lilith. He also likes to post pranking videos. His nice and funny personality makes him great at consoling his seven housemates when any of them gets sad, even though he often cries alone when he remembers his past because his father and older brother (Buzz and Tank Grunt) abused him when he was a teen. He wants to become a successful actor and musician despite his struggles with ADHD and chronic gastritis. Although sometimes he can't control his manners or actions, He's still trying to do the best.

Puck Summerdream (Bentley Fancy) - age 22

He's good, shy, polite, thoughtful, and serious. Charming and well-mannered, Puck knows how to treat everyone nicely. Coming from the most respected and wealthy family beside The Capps in Veronaville, makes him the richest sim in this squad. But he's still humble and doesn't want to talk about his wealth. Unlike his peers in Veronaville, Puck didn't want to get involved with Capp-Monty feuds, and he's always trying to be nice to both sides. He likes to wear suits and bowtie. He's an expert in classical music because he has double degrees in mathematics and fine arts (music branch). He likes to play the piano, violin, saxophone, and he can conduct an orchestra as well. He often treats his seven friends at the restaurants, movie theatre, and concerts. His sensitive nature makes him a little bit over-emotional. Despite his weak heart, and his depression caused by the death of his girlfriend (Hermia Capp) due to the mass shooting at Academie Le Tour three years ago, Puck will never let grief or disease obstructing his dreams. He became a successful conductor, and his dream is to bring peace with his music.

Bonus pics

Six of them autonomously spending time together at the gym (Lilith is not in the pic).

Puck and his new girlfriend, Marina Prattle from Bridgeport. She's really a pretty sim for a sims 3 premade.

#sims 2 characters #sims 3 screenshots #angela pleasant #lilith pleasant #dustin broke #dirk dreamer #johnny smith #ophelia nigmos #ripp grunt #puck summerdream #squad #mental illness #description #fanfiction #sims story #marina prattle #bentley 8 #sims 3

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evangclines-blog1 · 5 years

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what if we ...... pretended this was a good intro ..... aha just kidding ..... unless ? i was just gonna link to all my stuff but ... ur girl wrote a lot and i don’t wanna be cruel and force u all to read everything JDBWBDJBWJ so here we go !! <3

( VENUS, PARK SOOYOUNG, CIS FEMALE, SHE /HER ) guess what, EVANGELINE RHEE has just landed in cannes with their private jet. they are a TWENTY-TWO year old socialite, who spends much of their time & money UPDATING THEIR SKINCARE ROUTINE. i think their family is in the ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY and their net worth is around 10B USD.

first things first ... i’m gonna drop some links in case u want to read everything i wrote at 6 am the day the submit closed bc im stoopid like that <3

here u can find her full bio, stats, extended stats, and hcs ! the hcs are definitely the most fun to read so i recommend going to that page hehe

into the summary we go !

BACKSTORY: suicide mention tw

eva’s dad is a movie producer and her mom was the beautiful woman he met at a train station <3 her parents had a very whirlwind romance, very love at first sight, very passionate and intense type of relationship literally everything you see in hollywood ? they had that ! they got married after only a year of knowing each other and had eva soon after

thats when things got not-so-picturesque /: after having eva, her mom entered a pretty dark depression. eva’s dad ( who had been aware of his wife’s mental health and even warned by her family against doing anything crazy like getting married and having a whole baby so fast ) was kinda in denial about everything. eva’s mom still had her good days, but the bad days were really bad & when eva was only two years old her mom had an accident & passed away

so while eva’s dad was grieving, he sent little eva to new york city to go live with her grandma !! eva adored her grandmother more than anyone else. she was a retired jazz singer, and a lot of what they did together was sit around and listen to old records <3 eva lived with her until she was five years old & that’s pretty much the only childhood she can remember since her mom died when she was so young !!

when her dad brings eva back to france, he’s doing a lot better. he’s back to producing movies and throwing parties and being a part of society again ( things he had stopped while he was grieving for his wife ) and he even found his own form of “medicine” which was simply the company of beautiful women ! most of them were young actresses he met through his work, all of them were gorgeous, and they all adored little eva <3

eva adored them right back ! they taught her stuff she imagined all mother’s teach their daughters: how to dress well, how to smell nice, how to get people’s attention, what makeup to wear, how to do your hair, how to speak so everyone hangs on to your every word, etc. she was still a little girl but she was absorbing all these lessons like a sponge, & it’s a big part of why she’s so obsessed with her own femininity and why she’s got this mindset about being beautiful inside & out in order to feel balanced.

none of the women her dad brought home were ever at her house for more than a week. her father, who had been a notorious bachelor before eva’s mother, seemed incapable of falling in love again. that was his first and maybe only lesson to eva, which was how to break hearts, which is something else she absorbed & carried with her as she grew up

as eva grew up, she kinda became obsessed with trying to imagine what her mom had been like. no one in her family liked to talk about her, especially not her dad, but she knew she looked just like her and she was kinda always trying to fill in the blanks. but then one christmas her dad let it slip that her mom’s death hadn’t been an accident at all, that it had been on purpose. that was kind of the turning point for eva & she just kind of....stopped trying to re imagine her mom after that just kinda wanting to let her rest /:

she also went through a phase of doing stuff just because she could. she’d flirt with people’s boyfriends, she’d make strangers fall in love with her, she’d date people just to break up with them suddenly, etc. she kind of realized just how much she could get away with, but more than that, just how far people would go when they fell in love. she was obsessed with that, but also kind of jealous of those people just because she’d never felt that kind of soul shattering love for someone before and she really does want to </3 while she’s never been in love before, and while she does get bored of lovers easily, she still feels a type of attachment that is sometimes so strong she’s not willing to let the other person go even if she’s being selfish by hanging onto people she can’t get serious abt /: thats just life sometimes......whore rights !

FUN FACTS , PERSONALITY, AND TIDBITS: whore antics tw

goes by eva, never evangeline. her grandma has always called her angel, and so that nickname has also carried over naturally

libra sun AND moon babey ! read abt it here

wears euphoria makeup to do groceries

moved from paris to new york city for college to attend columbia university. double majored in english literature and business management.

created what she called the “manhattan group” in reference to the bloomsbury group, which was a group of associated english writers, intellectuals, philosophers and artists in the first half of the 20th century ( that included writers like virginia woolf ) duringher freshman year. although meetings were supposed to be about discussing literature, it mostly became a place to drink warming champagne, flirt, and gossip. eva hosted the events & meetings off campus inside her loft. the manhattan group only lasted her freshman year though, as rumors of all the underage drinking and “cult-like behavior” persuaded her to drop it. that, and the fact that more than one member had fallen in love with her and things were getting quite tense.

she never carries a lighter because she likes the way more than one person will offer her one if she asks for a light <3

it’s a famous rumor that eva once spilled her drink on her chanel mini-dress at a charity gala and stripped down to her lingerie in front of everyone. it would have stayed a rumor if it wasn’t for the instagram story that went up of her only her underwear.

she has a house phone in her nyc loft that only a select few people ( minus the strangers she’s given the number to while drunk ) know the number

has a three year old black cat named june that she brought with ehr to cannes <3

is the proud owner of a black maserati despite being an infamous bad driver. no one in their right mind, especially not her friends, would ever trust eva to drive.

it’s rumored she once snuck onto the yacht of a ceo to a fortune 500 company, only for him to find her in nothing but a bath towel eating chocolates while flipping through his playboy magazines, and that he was so taken with her instead of pressing charges he decided to name the boat after eva.

once spent a whole day walking around paris in a cheap pink wig and calling herself yvette. nobody could figure out why. eva often pulls stunts like this on a whim.

believes 2 is an unlucky number and is very superstitious about it, as that is the year her mother died. fully believes her twenties are cursed and is actually looking forward to the day she turns 30 just to escape the 2′s.

leonardo dicaprio once made a pass at her during the after party of a movie premiere she was attending.

during full moons, eva always has sex with the windows open. even if it’s winter, a window will be cracked open. this is one of her many personal superstitions.

has a collection of old love letters, mixtapes, and presents past suitors and secret admirers have gifted her. while she cannot remember the origin of quite a few of the objects in her collection, she is attached to them still.

owns a replica of the famous cross necklace filled with cocaine that kathryn had in cruel intentions.

literally i basically just copied most of my hcs page im a clown i cant do summaries...

ok so personality wise ? shes a flirt. a whore, if u will. yes thats a personality trait now. literally if ur breathing shes flirting doesnt matter who u are doesnt matter if ur married if u have 10 kids doesnt matter like she will flirt....does not know how to open her mouth without flirting

big on aesthetics /: believes everyone should get manicures like if ur cuticles are showing shes gonna gag . get help <3

not good at being held accountable for her actions. she’s not really the type to be malicious on purpose, but since she really does play with ppls feelings a lot it’s inevitable she’s gonna hurt someone but if u bring it up shes just gonna be like .. me ? at fault ? u must have the wrong girl i’m angel ...

likes 2 play games JSBDWBDJW clearly....matters of the heart are her fave kind but she also likes doing kinda ridiculous stuff for fun just to see how ppl are gonna react, also likes to do stuff just bc she knows she can usually get away with it

loves skin care like she will be ur dermatologist ( self appointed ) she will gift u a moisturizer she will get everyone to do facemasks with her u cannot escape it ...

has trouble being alone but won’t admit it / doesn’t even really realize it ??? like it is... very rare u will ever find her sleeping alone or spending a whole day in just her own company

not shy.....at all like JBSJDWBJDW she could use some shame but she has zero unfortunately

despite being a whore....she is a HUGE romantic like whew she is obsessed with old love songs & is always playing them on her record player she loves to slow dance <3 she often gives ppl her fave poems ( usually poems abt sex ), she loves getting roses, loves kissing ppl on the cheek when she’s wearing lipstick, & she likes to leave ppl voicemails like ... shes really living like she is the main chara of a romance movie and everyone else is extra #5 most of the time...

idk what else to say im sure shes gonna evolve once we start rping bc that always happens to me but....for now.....this is the end ! *cue feel special by twice*

#opulentintro #╰ ♡ . 𝒑𝒖𝒓𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒕 𝒅𝒖𝒎𝒃 𝒐𝒇 𝒂𝒔𝒔 ── ooc ! ┘#me: ok im gonna summarize !#me: literally just rewrites everything just to have it turn out just as long...#CLOWN !!! IM A CLOWN !!!!!

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crowsent · 5 years

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did a text post bc the formatting is easier. also because so i won’t bombard you ( @yalltookmyurlideas ) with words

i basically created my son ethel when i was late middle school. almost summer. i was watching this one anime, servamp, and there was a character with a really interesting design of blonde hair with black streaks (his name was hyde) so my middleschool self i went “neat! i want an oc like that!” so i designed ethel based on that one anime character with weird hair. and that was his only defining trait for a while: weird hair

originally, ethel had white hair and genetically inherited black streaks (again bc i was in middleschool) and i created the first drawing of ethel (first pic i sent) when i was a freshman in highschool and the whiteness of the rest of his hair compared to the streaks is very visible.

at that point, my backstory for him was essentially “pale, loner, likes shakespeare, wears hoodie, highschooler” his shirt is just a really creepy smiley face bc i really wanted to turn up the emoness of his design. pretty sure he had a girlfriend or a partner whose name was like. carmen. or camillia. or something that starts with a c. she dies and serves as fuel for him to be angsty bc again. middle school

then i became a junior and looked at his initial design and went. “what if i make it darker?” bc i hit peak emo phase when i was a highschool freshman and was one step away from wearing mcr outfits every day to school. you know the one. that one jacket.

2nd and 3rd pictures i sent were the darker and gritter versions of ethel. hence the darker hair (you can barely see the dark streaks in the third photo) and edginess amped up to 11. his hair was like a chestnut brown at that point and the black streaks were less visible. he remained without a background for the most part but i added “girlfriend was killed, wants revenge” to his bio because i guess i wanted him to be even edgier? and he kind of becomes a hermit who hates society at the end of his character arc. just a grumpy nihilist with depression bc at the time i did not know how to handle my own mental health and it manifested as that.

i didn’t fully create a backstory for ethel until i reached my senior year. then i went fucking ham and changed his entire character. he went from “name is ethel, pale, loner, likes shakespeare, wears hoodie, highschooler, lost a girlfriend, wants revenge, really edgy” to Ethel Ash

so basically. ethel lost both parents when he was young and was put in foster care, bouncing from home to home without really having a place to belong. he didn’t feel wanted by anyone, didn’t have support from any adults in his life, started trouble just to get some goddamn attention bc he felt invisible and it only led to people labeling him as dumb and a problem. bc of the lack of support in his life, he fell in with the wrong people when he was in highschool. fights. petty theft. vandalism. that kind of stuff. sent to juvie a few times because he got caught. at this point, his hair was just plain brown and he doesn’t dye it until much later.

then he graduated highschool, but only barely. he’s pretty smart, interested in philosophy, strategy, math, and classical literary works (shakespeare which is p much the only part of his original backstory that survived) but his teachers essentially labeled him a problem child and gave him next to no attention. so he p much accepted society’s label that he’ll always be no-good and kind of ran with it.

he got involved in organised crime after he graduated and by organised crime i meant the mob. he became involved with the mob in california (where he lived) and bc he’s smart and well-versed in like strategy and math, he kind of picked up being an informant. like. he became that one guy people in the mob turned to for info. doesnt particularly like being involved in the shady deals that go down, but if he’s being an informant, he’s needed. and if he’s needed, he has somewhere to belong.

so he overworks himself. sleeps little, eats less, and essentially becomes a machine who haunts the local coffee shop typing on a laptop that’s protected from everything under the sun. he wears a hoodie over his creepy smiley face shirt which he just nicked from some random dpt store to keep himself from being seen by the security cameras and is essentially a fucking internet gremlin with next to no face-to-face human interaction.

but of course, this (coupled with vices like drinking and smoking) takes a toll on him and his body finally gives out and he collapses in an alleyway. not passed out, but definitely delirious from lack of sleep and food. which, considering his criminal background, would fuck him over if he got seen by some random person and reported to the police. or worse, sentence him to death if he got spotted by someone from a rival gang who would love to get rid of someone dangerous like him.

instead, he got found by c. i will call her camilla in this instance bc i genuinely don’t remember her name even though she got a big reboot to her character as well. ethel’s like. 20-21 at this point. camilla is 22 and is in a prestigious college taking a double major in english and food management. she’s not particularly rich, but is upper middle class with a single mother living in new york who fully supports her in what she wants to do and regularly calls her to make sure that she’s safe. and camilla, spotting this dude who looks like death incarnate, stops and makes sure he’s okay and ethel keeps telling her not to call the cops or call an ambulance.

and camilla, also very smart but has enough chaotic dumbass energy to sink a ship, takes ethel to her apartment where he devolves into a high fever and she helps him through it.

he gets better and is just ????? towards camilla because she’s nice to him even though he did nothing for her. he leaves her apartment as soon as he can, but they end up running into each other again at the fucking coffee shop bc im a sucker for cliche and they kind of clicked.

they bond over shakespeare together because camilla’s an english major and ethel’s a fucking nerd for shakespeare. he doesn’t tell her what kind of work he does, but she figures it out anyway because she’s not an idiot. there are bruises on ethel’s body and his eyes always dart around the room, looking for an exit. she lets him know that she knows, and she lets him know that it’s not his fault that the world let him down, that he felt that he didn’t belong.

and ethel kind of breaks after that? like. he very reluctantly works as an informant in gangs bc he’s chasing the high of being needed and wanted and this random college girl just up and tells him that it’s not his fault that he’s never felt warmth in his goddamn life?

she doesn’t try to change him bc she’s in college and she has essays to fucking worry about and ethel never even does anything like dox some innocent soul so while she’s kind of uncomfortable with ethel’s job she’s not like majorly concerned about it. its a rule that they never talk about ethel’s job when they hang out bc ethel doesn’t like talking about what he does and who he associated with because of the issues of his childhood and she really doesn’t want to think about the fact that there are a lot of bad people her best friend associates with bc he feels like he has no choice so it’s kind of silence on that topic.

but ethel kind of changes himself. he wants to change. bc hey. it’s not too late. he hasn’t done something like murder so if he quits and turns himself in, he can get like a few years at most and come out and live a better honest life. and like. camilla’s floored and flattered that her friend would do this because she inspired him to do better? and she’s like “all my life, i wanted to start my own cafe and when you get out, ill hire you. how’s that sound” and they’re like. both soft and ethel is fully fucking prepared to go to the police and out literally every single motherfucker he worked with and turn over a new leaf.

but then someone catches wind of what he plans to do.

and fucking murders camilla.

bc they thought that camilla was forcing ethel to change for her and the logic is that “if the person telling him to quit and betray us is dead, then he wont go through with it” but it completely fucking backfires.

and ethel goes fucking ballistic.

instead of just going to the police like a normal person and confessing everything like the names of the people he works with and letting the police deal with them. he just straight up drops off the grid. and fucking mails the goddamn police things like full names, addresses, safehouses, etc. he straight up obliterates the gang he works with by systematically doxxing them to the fucking police one by one, ruining all of their operations, and hunting them down one by one.

this is the point where he dyes his hair black, but only streaks of it to remind himself of camilla. camilla had planned on streaking her hair hair red bc it goes well with her black hair and ethel streaked his hair black to remind himself of her. he doesn’t turn himself yet in bc he doesn’t plan on doing that until he literally finds all of the men and women he’s worked with in the past and leads them to their arrest and it’s an ongoing thing because his former colleagues went into hiding so he’s having some difficulties.

but he still plans on turning himself in once he’s done. and once he gets out, he plans on starting that cafe. and he’s going to fill it with bookshelves of classical literature. and he’s going to keep living his goddamn life.

and i wrote most of his backstory in math class because i genuinely could not give a shit about math. and that’s ethel. my son. my child. my baby. i love talking about him. he’s precious and i adore every inch of him.

#very long post

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carterashofficial · 6 years

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Thanks, Aearyn

@aearyn was so unbelievably kind to tag me for this

rules: answer these 85 questions and tag 20 people (ahaha no i wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy this took forever)

— what was your last…

1. drink: water. from the fridge. there might’ve been a dog hair in it because Scout and Abbey show their love through shedding. I didn’t care. 2. phone call: my old internship asking why I never got my w-2 form 3. text message: a coupon from World Market, if that counts. If not, i texted myself a spoiler for the kotfe fic so i don’t forget 4. song you listened to: Champion by Carrie Underwood b/c i love it and I NEED THE POSITIVITY 5. time you cried: UH... writing the kotfe fic. But i wasn’t actually crying. it was more like “im tearing up at this one scene b/c its breaking my heart”. Actual crying? been... so long i can’t remember.

— have you ever…

6. dated someone twice: ahahahhahahahahahaha.... ahahahhaha..... ahahahhahahahaha despite my best intentions, i’ve never dated anyone. I’ve been trying to change that. I want romance in my life. 7. kissed someone and regretted it: That would imply i’ve had my first kiss, and im 22 years old and still haven’t had it. APHRODITE WHY AM I SINGLE. I’M READY TO MINGLE 8. been cheated on: see above. Can’t be cheated on if you’ve never HAD A DATE 9. lost someone special: i would rather not consider this question, but Domino, Jewel, and my Grandma (all were very, very sudden and hit me like a bag of bricks). 10. been depressed: ha ha ha apparently i’ve had depression since i was 15. I was officially diagnoses in January of 2017 and have been on medication since. ahahaha 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: no I can barely get drunk even when i try, let alone enough for a damn hangover. Seriously. I can drink like Carmadda and not get drunk.

— fave colours

12. soft eggshell green 13. the blue at the edge of the horizon 14. metallic anything

— in the last year have you…

15. made new friends: ........yes? i think? 16. fallen out of love: ahahahahaha no b/c i’ve never been in love (in the romantic sense and that’s how im taking this) 17. laughed until you cried: always 18. found out someone was talking about you: in the worst of ways 19. met someone who changed you: yes 20. found out who your friends are: oooooh yes 21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list: never been kisses

— general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl: all? how else do people find you on there? 23. do you have any pets: many. Scout, Abbey, the neon tetras (named the Heralds of Zildrog), my various shrimp, and Corypheus and Valkorian the golden inca snails 24. do you want to change your name: no, but i used to 25. what did you do for your last birthday: went bowling 26. what time did you wake up today: i woke up 3 times, once to Bug getting ready for school, then my mom asking if i opened the vitamins, then... i think 9 was when i finally crawled out 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: playing swtor or looking up some fresh and funky memes 28. what is something you can’t wait for: finished the next kotfe fic chapter and breaking everyone’s hearts. Or the next major expansion of SWTOR. I NEED ANOTHER CINEMATIC TRAILER LIKE GODDAMN 30. what are you listening to right now: nothing my house is silent and in the far, far distance, sometimes i can hear cars on the toll road 31. have you ever talked to a person named tom: i have an uncle named Tom. I have spoken with him. So Yes. 32. something that’s getting on your nerves: socialization. I can only take so much around others. If I was a Sim i’d have the lonely trait. 33. most visited website: Tumblr or my school’s student login page 34. hair colour: blonde/brown im really smack in-between and i just dye it lighter to make it blonde enough for me to be blonde 35. long or short hair: long. so long. down to my butt long 36. do you have a crush on someone: not sure. i like him, he’s funny and thinks im funny, and teases me back, but im shit at reading signs and far too much a coward to ask him out. I’m not sure. I had a major crush in high school that resulted in me falling in love with a guy but we never offically dated and then he crushed my heart. Long story. So i try to avoid crushes lest i break my heart again. 37. what do you like about yourself: bitch im fabulous 38. want any piercings: i got 3 in the lobes of each ear and cartilage in the left. If i get any more I think my mom would have a heart attack 39. blood type: ??????? no idea. I know my sister is O 40. nicknames: Milky (only drank milk as a kid, but this nickname has sorta phased away). Other nicknames give away my real name. But I do respond to my sister’s name. 41. relationship status: single and ready to flamingle 42. sign: Aquarius 43. pronouns: she/her 44. fave tv show: i literally can’t pick one b/c ive watched nearly every cop show on Netflix, including some that aren’t in english. All the cooking competitions i can find on Netflix and youtube, and im running out of TV to watch when i do art. Halp. 45. tattoos: Zero because my fatal fear is needles. 46. right or left handed: Left. left left left seriously i can.... maybe dip a french fry in ketchup with my right but that’s it 47: ever had surgery: wisdom teeth removed count? 48. piercings: 7 total in the ears and nothing else. 49. sport: I watch baseball and hockey (SPEAKING OF WHICH, GO DUCKS!). Used to play softball and some soccer. 50. vacation: if i can graduate a quarter early I want to go visit my family in florida and michigan 51. trainers: is... this british for shoes? i wear berkenstocks. only berkenstocks. because crocs are so comfortable but people judge. I also have hella wide feet where ever ‘wide’ shoes are too narrow. I can get by in Vans or my old old Nikes that i hardly ever wear

— more general

52. eating: whether or not if ketchup should go on it, ketchup is going on it. Unless if it’s breakfast food or desert. Breakfast food is my favorite and i could happily live off it it. 53. drinking: water, tea, juice, milk, Mike’s black cherry hard lemonade, monster energy drinks, RC Cola.... i drink a variety of things. Mostly water and tea. 54. i’m about to watch: i dont know I’VE RAN OUT OF THINGS TO WATCH ON NETFLIX 55. waiting for: myself to go out on a date and/or meet The Guy 56. want: many things. 57. get married: One day. 58. career: ssssssssttttttttttuuuuuuuuuudddddddeeeeeeennnnnnntttttttt

— which is better

59. hugs or kisses: i want both but maybe not from the same people. 60. lips or eyes: depends what each are doing tbh 61. shorter or taller: taller b/c im short and can’t reach the top shelf 62. older or younger: older but at this point im 22 and a lot of my classmates are 21 so like.... my generation. 63. nice arms or stomach: arms 64. hookup or relationships: relationships 65. troublemaker or hesitant: depends. like really depends. I’ll probalby go with troublemaker b/c they tend to be funny and on-the-spot and im a planner.

— have you ever

66. kissed a stranger: never kissed anyone..... ha ha ha 67. drank hard liquor: so yes. 68. turned someone down: ahahahhahahahaahaha haha ha. Actually yes I got asked to homecoming my senior year by this one dude who still gives me the creeps jsut tihnking about him. I politely said no. 69. sex on first date: never been on a date, never kissed anyone. Never ‘done the deed’. Would not do on the first date. 70: broken someone’s heart: uh my mom’s when I told her I had Depression and wanted to kill myself all throughout sophomore year highschool 71. had your heart broken: oh. Yes. 72. been arrested: no 73. cried when someone died: more like wailed loud enough that half the dorm floor heard 74. fallen for a friend: *side-eyes my sister* yeeees

— do you believe in

75. yourself: it varies over what. 76. miracles: I mean.... to an extent. 77. love at first sight: no 78. santa claus: I AM 22 YEARS OLD of course 79. angels: its complicated. my mom found a dead rat in our old house’s garage when i was 4-ish and all i remember crying for the dead rat when my dad tossed it in the garbage. My mom explained that an angel had already taken the rat’s soul to heaven. What did I picture the angel as? A carrot, wearing a tie, with mickey mouse-esque white gloves carrying a rat dramatically. This still haunts me.

— misc

80. eye colour: blue enough that you might drown in the ocean 81. best friend’s name: @athenascrown 82. favourite movie: if you think I can pick only one you’ve got another thing coming. but.... any star wars movie. If i had to pick one, Empire Strikes Back or Phantom Menace or The Last Jedi.... or Rogue One.... or Revenge of the Sith... 83. favourite actor: The guy who played the stormtrooper who hits his head on the door in Ep 4 84. favourite cartoon: the old Ducktales was a childhood favorite 85. favourite teacher’s name: I don’t want to put her name out here but she was my art teacher all through high school and she is one of the kindest souls ive ever met and if it wasn’t for her, i wouldn’t have gotten back into art

because this post took 5ever im not tagging anyone but if you want to do it, just say I tagged you and I’ll say i did

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wickymicky · 4 years

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i got tagged by @chuukitten like a month ago lmao oops

rules: answer 21 questions and tag 21 people (im too lazy lol im sorry i just like to talk about myself so thats what im gonna do HAHA)

im gonna put this under a read more cause it got long

1. nickname: my bf calls me cube

2. zodiac: i dont do zodiac shit lol sorry

3. height: i dont actually know, im bad with remembering things like that

4. hogwarts house: the “fuck jk rowling” house (okay fine im hufflepuff)

5. last thing i googled: farmersonly… dont worry about it

6. favorite musicians: i mean yall know my kpop ones haha… loona, dreamcatcher, fromis 9, pentagon, exid, red velvet, twice, eyedi, weki meki, etc……. outside of kpop oh man where do i begin… its tough cause ive basically only listened to kpop in 2019 but okay so i’d say the band idles, death grips, grimes, streetlight manifesto, huh idk i have a lot that i like but i dont know who else i would consider my “favorites” at the moment

7. song stuck in my head: right now its pirate king by ateez

8. following: 1800 lol

9. followers: on this blog 264, but 724 on my main

10. do you get asks: occasionally

11. amount of sleep: i should sleep way, way more than i do

12. what are you wearing: pajamas

13. dream job: hmmm. i mean i dont dream of working, i dont have a dream “job”, but if the question is about my dream “thing i wanna do a lot of in my life” then i guess my answer is… idk… something where i can just engage in whatever is interesting to me at the moment. like in the vein of my tumblr blogs where i can just post and talk about stuff im interested in. idk if that means being a youtuber or journalist or just someone who does something else and engages in my interests as a hobby, but yeah. or something to do with linguistics of course. though like i dont wanna be a teacher and thats basically the only path lmao (that i would even consider, anyway)

14. dream trip: you know i dont actually have a lot of interest in travel. idk, it stresses me out. i cant think about going places without worrying about how i’ll get around, what i’ll be doing, what i’ll be able to eat since i have a lot of food anxieties… idk. if someone i love wanted to go on a trip with me i’d probably be down, but i dont really know on my own.

15. instruments: i wish i could do music lol

16. languages: are amazing and i love them. okay fine lol i only speak english, but i took german in middle and high school, i took latin in high school as well, then took latin and ancient greek in college, and then after college i did a lot of looking into hungarian, vietnamese, a little bit of indonesian, turkish, and polish, and then recently i’ve been pretty focused on korean for obvious reasons. i speak none of those languages tho, lol. if i heard someone speaking some of those i could get the gist of what types of things theyre talking about most likely, but honestly my whole thing with languages is that im more interested in learning about the intricacies of how languages work and especially how they change over time than i am in actually learning the language. i’d love if my dumb adhd brain allowed me to focus hard enough and really commit to becoming fluent in a second language because so far i’ve only steadily approached being barely conversational, i’ve never actually reached even that point yet lol. and being only fluent in english makes me feel like a stupid american lol. i pick up bits of language really easily, but the rigor of learning ALL the vocab and ALL the little details you need to become actually fluent is where i fall off.

like whenever i go through an anime phase, i pick up lots and lots of japanese. like if they keep using a word i’ll see it in the subtitles and figure that it must mean that, and then i’ll pay attention to the endings they use and how they inflect it and i’ll make little inferences about what those signify, so then when i hear a word that i dont recognize but it has a grammatical ending that i know, i can infer the meaning of the word from context, and im going through this same learning process with korean now and it’s super super fun and i’m loving how much progress ive made (though i could have been making progress like three times as fast if i was actually taking a korean class)… but the actual work of learning common phrases, learning the sheer volume of vocab, all that stuff… yeah that’s where i fall off. so idk how fluent i’ll get in korean, but i’m down to find out, lol. maybe this is the one i’ll really try to focus on and achieve it with!

17. 10 favorite songs as of now: of all time????? um okay i cant possibly do that without spending a looong time thinking about it, so i’ll just do the first ten songs that come to my mind when i think of songs that i adore more than most others

keep the streets empty for me by fever ray

colossus by idles

watch it crash by streetlight manifesto

lucky girl by fazerdaze

realiti (demo) by grimes

egoist by loona (olivia hye)

picky picky by weki meki

mother by idles

peekaboo by red velvet

hi high by loona

18. if you were an animal: red panda maybe haha

19. favorite food: pizza cause im a garbage trash person

20. random fact: idk... if yall couldnt tell and didnt already know this, i’m a linguist haha. i went to school for linguistics, i majored in linguistics and classics (latin, ancient greek, etc) though honestly i was only into the languages, roman and greek history is cool and all but not really what i’m most into. majoring in classics was a mistake lol but oh well. i didnt end up graduating though because of unrelated reasons.... adhd, depression, just a general sense that the way the whole system works just wasnt made for me and it didnt click with me and ive never been good at forcing myself to be good at school... and like i was tired of hearing from professors that i have “a very organized mind when it comes to linguistics stuff” (something a greek professor said that meant a lot to me) or that i “understand how language works better than most other students my age” and that im a natural and that its impressive how nuanced my understanding of these concepts is.... while also failing or almost failing all of the classes whose professors said that about me. like basically all those statements were followed by a “, but” or a “, so if you just-”.... sigh. so i guess i’m not “actually” a linguist. whatever “actually” means there.

so other random fact i guess, which is still related but anyway... i have a conlang! that’s a constructed language. ive been working on a language for like 6 or 7 years. its at a state right now where it’s not really something i can just like... speak? it was at one point, maybe. but basically what i like to do is try out various ideas i have about language and phonology and morphology, so my language is kind of like a sandbox lol. if youre a scientist you conduct experiments, if youre a linguist i think you should try making a conlang. its not a common hobby but its something i spend an unconscionable amount of time thinking about lol. like basically 24/7. i’m almost always thinking about my word for x thing im seeing or thinking about, or like some sound change i heard that some language had, and how that would sound if applied to the words in my language...

like the reason my language isnt at a point right now where i can speak it is because getting into korean has made me think about massively reconfiguring how the grammar works. its always been kinda like latin and german, cause those are what i was taking when i started, and then it got kinda like ancient greek, so the grammar has/had a lot of complicated conjugations that are just honestly so superfluous... its such a mess lol... i have a much better understanding of how those systems come about in language now, so even if i remake my language to have verb conjugations like latin or greek, it’d be a much more coherent and natural system than the one thats existed in my language for years... but after learning about hungarian and korean in particular, i really wanna try making it a lot more logical like those languages are. but my big thing is phonology (speech sounds), so i just get hung up on sound changes and cool new consonants and vowels to add, so i keep putting off actually fixing my language lol. also ive become attached to my awful, amateurish words haha. im so bad at this... a real conlanger like tolkien or the dude who made the languages for game of thrones would look at mine and scoff haha. most of my words are just straight up stolen from words in latin, german, many others, but predominantly... english. i just mangle english words and call it my own lol, and ive been trying to replace those words with original ones that i made up arbitrarily... like my word for nose is just “nass” and my word for dog is “handir” which is just based on english “hound” and german “Hund” and stuff lol. i wanna change those

21. my aesthetic: if you actually read this long ass post, you know that my aesthetic is just “too much information” but not in a sexy way or even an interesting way

#personal #kitty #long post #writing #idk i should have a tag for stuff people tagged me in #tagged

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carbonsequestrian · 4 years

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man i dont even know if i should share this because it’s super weird/ poorly written/ doesn’t make any sense but i feel like i keep too much too myself so here is a block of text i wrote and didn’t edit and if you read it, i love you.

Well, id like to kick off my music blogging career with a piece about a song that has continued to inspire me since the moment I heard it about 5 years ago. Something about the song awakens this dragon in me… or rather, something about the song awakens a knight that is about to go and slay a dragon, and that feeling crashes into every fiber of my being resulting in me feeling fucking powerful. Idk what the secret is. I wish I had found this sound when I did a song analysis project for my freshman writing seminar back in college. (I chose Sublime’s Santeria for that project… and it was a shit show. Believe it or not, trying to write 10 pages about a song that doesn’t inspire every fiber of your being is insanely difficult. Lesson – if you have to write a lot, write about something you fucking love and admire.)

The song is Don’t Waste Time Doing Things You Hate by And So I Watch You From Afar of their self titled 2009 release. I think it’s their debut album. Anyway, the band makes instrumental rock music. Stuff that superheroes and supervillains alike would use as a theme song. I discovered them from Worldhaspostrock on youtube, so check them out.

Of course, now that im sitting down to write about the song I cannot think of any words to say about it. Lovely how that happens. Especially after bragging about how easy it is to write about something you love. HA>

If you’ve ever done something you hate, you sure know how that feels. Part of you feels trapped -momma didn’t raise no quitter – and another part of you is too busy daydreaming about what you’d rather be doing to formulate a plot to get you there. Feeling stuck doing something you hate is exactly how I felt when I discovered this song. I chose my major at college based on what a guy who I’d met over the internet was studying, he called me pretty and would send me ‘good morning’/ ‘sweet dreams’ texts, so we were obviously super serious. And I was going to study the same thing as him and we would conquer the world together, duh. Lo and behold, I hated my major. And because I hated my major, I didn’t really fit in with any of the people I met through my major. There was one chick who I liked because she hated it too, but we were very different people. I did sports in college instead of joining a music group (being in an acapella group was a last minute goal of mine) because A. everyone in my family was super sporty B. no one in my family thought very highly of music and C. I was fucking terrified of it. Every bit of it sends anxiety chills down my spine and up my toes. Singing in front of people in a room? Singing with people? Having people rely on you to do your thing correctly in order to achieve a desired result? Fuck that’s anxiety inducing. And let me make this clear, I don’t have stage fright. But I do have Perfectionist Block (a totally real issue, created by me, ill discuss it further in another post) which makes me extremely hard on myself.

So anyway, to paint the picture – 20 year old me is in the library for the 50th hour that week (no kidding, I went to Cornell, and seriously spent 6-10 hours a day in the library studying during regular term. Finals/ testing weeks, it’d double) looking for upbeat instrumental music that could make me feel like a bad ass and I find this band. The first song I found by them was The Voiceless, off the same album. That song fucking slaps. I must’ve listened to it 30 times before saying “hey, why don’t I check out their other stuff?” and thus gave this album a listen. I was so stressed that week, so tired, felt so lost and alone. I hated every fucking minute of my life but I was pushing through it because I wanted to make my mom proud. Every morning I would angrily get ready for class, pissed off that elitism and this desperate urge to prove oneself through menial shit such as ‘ivy league’ degrees would push someone to find the line of their breaking point and balance on it. All for what? If I died tomorrow, who could speak of who I am? At cornell, I was a cornell student. That was it. By being there, I wasn’t anything of myself anymore. I wasn’t strong, I wasn’t funny, I wasn’t good with animals, I wasn’t a hard-worker, I wasn’t smart – though, those last traits were implied – I simply became a product of an institution. One that I loved, don’t get me wrong. I had been looking for reassurance/ acceptance/ approval my entire life, and that letter that I got from a world renowned school was it – so I thought. But then I got there and my imposter syndrome went wild. I wasn’t truly smart, or good at learning. In fact, high school had been so easy for me that I was able to scrape by with great grades without ever working on schoolwork outside of school (I’d do my work during lunch, when I would eat in the chorus room/ my English teacher’s room since I had no friends.) at school, I thought I’d made friends, but they ditched me when I needed them most. In retrospect, I should’ve been more forgiving – no one’s perfect - but ill blame my poor socialization through high school here. I saw kids who worked their asses off day and night. A 16 year old math prodigy lived in my hall. And I had nothing to show for my intelligence outside of the fact I was able to take enough HS classes in middle school that I’d manage to have 4 hours of school my senior year (typically, that time would be so that kids could take extra APs. But I said fuck that.)

Truth is, I was so insecure and unsure of myself that being thrown into the lava pit that is college – any college, not just an ivy league – was emotionally and mentally overwhelming. I found myself getting drunk to the point of almost dying most nights. Every time with strangers. I’d often go to the bridges, where so many had leapt to their deaths before, and ponder if that’s where I belonged. Crashing amongst the rocks and water in the gorges. Man, I was fucking depressed. And a ball of anxiety. I had no real identity, you’d ask me what I liked or what I wanted from my life and I’d have no real answer. My answer would vary based on what youtube videos I had been watching that week. I was so scared of being judged.

Point is, I found nothing that I felt a connection to. Not my major. Not my peers. Occasionally my surroundings, but typically only in the morbid, I’d like to throw myself off this sort of way. Life is so much more complex than those things, and truth is, ill never really be able to explain away all of the different shit in my life that was bringing me down. Making me feel worthless. Dumb. Like I didn’t belong. And the first thing that I felt like understood this, was this song. Even writing that out I feel like it confirms my worst fears, that I am worthless/ delusional/ crazy/ not even a real person. How does one go through 20 years of life and can only feel connected to a pile of noises that a stranger has made and recorded? Wavelengths generated by someone else’s finger tips never felt so good. They resonated through my brain and spoke to my soul. It was like I was being sucked into a black hole and obliterated to nothing. And that was what I needed, because I was able to look at who I was and take a chance to rebuild. To change.

With no one to talk to, no one who understood me, and no real goals or aspirations in my life/ being too crippled by fear to even take a chance to achieve my goals/ aspirations in life, I darted in the complete opposite direction. Left that ‘dream school’ for a state school 2000 miles away. I still waste plenty of time doing things I hate, but every day I try to do my best to find the things I love. It’s been a long hard road, and I am so unsure of myself. I realize I’ll never have the validation I seek, at least not externally. Still, going to cornell is my greatest achievement and those close to me hold a grudge that I left without fulfilling my diploma. And looking back, I could’ve done it. Taken some time off, sought a therapist outside of the free service offered, opened up to some of the people I had met. Hindsight is 2020. And im here now.

This song means the world to me. The suspense of the guitar plucking in the intro is an emotion I was swallowed in. the anger and noise of the guitars from 1:11-1:30 was how I felt every morning when I looked at the day ahead. The desperation of the guitars at 2min how I looked at the people around me, who appeared to have their shit all together. Their heads above the water. Looking at me drowning below the surface. But I had a smile on my face, so I must have been fine. Then the clarity that comes at 3mins. The music starts to feel like it’s getting itself together. 3:35-4:15, when big changes happen. And the la la lalalalalas. That’s how I was, just “la de da-ing” my way through life, not really thinking about what I was going to take from this world and my short time getting to experience it. The song gets progressively happier, and calmer, as I hope my own life will be, though I’m still in my 3min phase when it feels like it’s starting to get itself together.

Ill always hold onto the hard times I went through at school. And ill wish everyday for a time machine, so I could go back in time and tell 18 year old me to just chill and ‘discover yourself, man’ before going to a place that has so much potential. Because the truth is, I was too insecure to be successful at such an institution. I still think I’m too insecure. But at least now I know, and I’m not living under this idea that because I got into a good school I am a good person and good things will come to me.

#and so i watch you from afar #don't waste time doing things you hate #post rock rocks

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