#kind of in a bad way but unfortunately there is no way out for me rn so im gna have tooooo sorta kinda deal with it!! ANYWAY SORRY FOR THE

[sethsclearwater]

OKAY I RAN TO REQUEST THIS - I just saw a TikTok where a guy set up a game of uno on the bed next to his sleeping wife and put a few cards in her hand and then woke her up and told her it was her turn and she had to draw 4 so she wakes up all confused but starts playing and the husband keeps putting down +2 and +4 cards until she gets angry and goes back to sleep and you cannot tell me that it’s not poly!paul and Jared canon that they would go to GREAT LENGTHS to pull this prank with their chests and convince you that you’d all been playing uno for hours before you fell asleep and also you were losing (despite knowing you’re a grumpy loser)

Idk if the link is gonna work here but here it is anyway https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGe4tFr8H/

i don't think anything in this world could possible be more poly!paulxreaderxjared coded than this

...

"babe," jared's warm, calloused hand was gently running over your bicep, squeezing the muscle there to wake you up.

you hummed, groaning as you reached your hands up to blearily knuckle at your eyes only to realized you had something in your hand. once you'd gotten your eyes opened, you saw 6 bright yellow uno cards staring you in the face.

confused, you looked over to jared and then paul, both of whom also had uno cards in their hands (suspiciously, both jared and paul only had 3). "it's your turn princess," paul encouraged after a moment, both boys eagerly waiting to see what you were going to do next.

you frowned, furrowing your eyebrows together as you tried to figure out when the hell you were playing uno with them. from the best of your memory, you'd fallen asleep waiting for the two of them to come home from patrol and weren't up when they actually did arrive.

much to jared and paul's delight, your paranoia about looking like you couldn't remember anything got the better of you just nodded, yawning before you laid down a yellow 1 card.

while you tried to figure out how you were going to get rid of any cards when all you had were yellow ones, paul and jared were quick to both lay down cards: paul with a yellow 5 and jared with a red 5.

with a huff, you pulled a card from the stack in the middle, and it was (unfortunately for you) a blue 3 - nothing of any use for you. so you continued to pull cards, needing to pull over 10 cards to finally get a red or a 5 thanks to paul and jared fucking around with the card stack prior to waking you up.

"what the fuck," you mumbled, still not entirely sure if you were in some kind of weird fever dream or something as you laid down the red 5 that you'd managed to pull.

you now sported a stack of 15 cards while jared and paul were down to only 2 each, "sheesh babe," jared laughed, "must be bad luck or something," he added, both him and paul barely containing their laughter over your disgruntled expression.

while paul laid down a blue 5, jared went and smacked down a green 3. you looked back down at your stack of a whopping 15 cards, quickly realizing that something was definitely up seeing as your entire stack was yellow and none of them were a 3.

"okay you know what this is just stupid-" you started, rolling your eyes as you tossed your cards down so you could get up. both paul and jared burst into laughter then as you got up and stormed off into the bathroom so you could splash some water on your face.

of course, both boys were quick to follow you into the bathroom, already prepared to deal with your wrath once you pieced together that they not only woke you up in the middle of the night, but woke you up in the middle of the night just to fuck with your head.

"oh poor babe," jared drolled when he saw the pout on your face as you splashed some water on you. he came to step behind you, sliding his hands over your hips so he could pull your back against his.

"jared cameron!" you snapped when you felt the way he ground his hips into yours. you sat up, spinning around to smack his bicep before prying his hands off of your hips so you could go grab a hand towel to wipe your face off.

jared was cracking himself up, wrapping his beefy arm around your shoulders so he could pull you close and press a rather sloppy kiss to your temple before he was releasing you so your other imprinter could have a turn.

"careful, she's real feisty," jared teased as he passed paul so he could head back into the bedroom to presumably clean up the gaslighting uno game they'd played with you.

you were glaring holes into the back of jared's (beyond well sculpted) shoulders, quickly giving up when paul stepped into your line of sight, "princess," he chuckled, sliding his hands over your waist so he could pull you into his chest for a tight hug despite the fact that you had now crossed your arms over your chest, "'m sorry," he mumbled into your hair, his lips curling into a smile, "you're just so easy to mess with," he added, laughing when you rolled your eyes, squirming out of his death grip so you could storm back into the bedroom where jared was now laying down, one arm flexed behind his head as he held some uno cards in the other, already knowing how absolutely crazy you went over seeing his muscles like that.

"round 2?" jared proposed, smirking when you huffed, stomping over to him so you could snatch the pile of cards out of his hands.

"only if you two fuckers play fair-" you grumbled as you got back onto the bed, cracking a smile when paul came and sat down behind you, pulling you inbetween his legs.

"of course we'll play fair," paul reassured, that same teasing tone in his voice that had you knowing they would definitely be tag-teaming you again shortly.

"nice try lahote," you rolled your eyes as you looked over your shoulder at him, "you're gonna see all my cards like this," you added and he dramatically covered his eyes with one hand.

"promise i won't peak," he mused, laughing when you rolled your eyes but obliged nonetheless, seeming to enjoy the heat that being in his lap provided you.

you quickly shuffled the cards before passing them around so all three of you could get back to playing.

#poly!paulxreaderxjared #poly!jaredxreaderxpaul imagine #paul lahote #paul lahote x reader #paul lahote imagine #paul lahote blurb #paul lahote fluff #jared cameron x reader #jared cameron imagine #jared cameron fluff #jared cameron blurb #jared cameron oneshot #paul lahote oneshot #twilight #the twilight saga #twilight fanfiction #imagine #blurb #fluff

[sysmedsaresexist]

I spoke with Colin Ross again.

The original post, for those who missed it.

This is going to be really disjointed and rough. I've been put in a really weird position and I want to just... talk about it. This is okay to reblog, I'm sure there's pro/endos that have been waiting for this. Unfortunately, it's going to be attached to a vent.

Sadly, talking to him brought up a lot of bad feelings. I'm still so sad to see so many people turn on me. I'm disappointed that there was so much pushback. I'm disgusted by people's hypocrisy.

People wanted to know why I wasn't posting my side of the emails to Colin Ross, they tried to say he didn't believe those things anymore.

So I emailed him again, recapping our previous conversations, and asking him if he still believed in non traumagenic plurality.

And he responded that he does.

I thought I could post it, and that would be the end of it. Proving we had spoken before, confirming the topics discussed. But in my email to him, I shared what I've been doing since I last spoke with him, what prompted me to reach out to him again. The same thing that stopped me from posting my side of the emails originally. I wasn't entirely honest with him, either. I don't think I would have gotten a response if I had talked about tumblr.

And I'm simultaneously so excited and so scared.

This is a man that, in a very vague sense, formed a mentor/professional relationship with me. Our interaction overall was brief, but it was exciting to discuss his work with him, ask him questions that had been bothering me-- I told him about myself, my educational and work background. I used my real email and name. My real school. He's Canadian, we talked about it. I shared real details of my life, and while it wasn't necessarily in confidence, I don't think he would appreciate knowing that I've shared his personal thoughts and emails on tumblr, of all places. I'm not lying or hiding anything in my side of the conversation.

I'm scared.

I'm terrified to post anything that could be linked to me. Even posting this, I'm like, "can people like... reverse edit my picture and get my email?" I genuinely don't know.

I worry about posting the full screenshots with his email, knowing people won't believe me if I don't, but not wanting to have these ridiculously immature people in his inbox. I have encouraged people since day one to find his email themselves and reach out. I figure that the only people who would put in that work are the people who genuinely want to learn.

But then I realized that there are people that could ruin the relationship I made with him.

People that could make it so that I can never contact him in this way again.

People could use this to find me, if they get Colin Ross talking. (The rational part of my brain says he's smart enough not to give someone else my name, but goddamn, some of you people are actually dangerous)

There are people that want to do that to me. People that hate that I even brought a professional into this conversation. And I get it. I sat on the original conversation for almost three years, remember?

It's really scary to admit you're wrong, that you've been close-minded and hardheaded. It's scary to confront your bias and actions.

But having him respond to me... I feel so lucky? Not that Colin Ross is a saint, but how often do you get to meet someone like him? How often do you have a chance to take advantage of a professional contact that seems willing and happy to have these kinds of conversations with you? Three years later and he remembered me. He took the time to answer me, again.

I don't want to fuck that up.

So I thought about reaching out to certain people, showing them the entire set of emails without any blockout and having them vouch for the authenticity.

Then I realized that I wouldn't trust any of you anti endogenic systems with any of my information after how you've all behaved.

And I realized that none of you are going to change your minds, no matter what I show you, and I'd rather to maintain my professional relationships than put any more effort into any of you.

And I know if I wait too long to post this, people will call it fake, so I either need to go ahead and make this post or just kind of let it disappear into obscurity.

It's so important, though.

Isn't it?

I can't tell anymore.

#syscourse #not syscourse #pro syscourse conversation #pro endo #pro endogenic #anti endo #anti endogenic #cdd #cdd system #did #osdd #osddid #debunk #vent #okay to reblog #actually traumagenic #actually plural #plurality #pro system #pro respect

[maybe-the-problem]

Say all kinds of mean, terrible, nasty things while you fuck me. Insult me, insult the way I look, the way I dress, the way I act. Tell me that no one could ever respect me if they knew what a slut I am. That wouldn't it be so unfortunate if you accidentally sent the recordings you take of me to everyone we know? Tell me I'm easy and a pushover, that my cunt is starting to get loose from just how often I whore myself out to anyone willing to touch me. Tell me that if I don't hurry up and clench for you just so you can feel anything in my little slut pussy, you'll accidentally slip into the wrong hole and keep going even if I scream.

Tell me the only reason you're even willing to touch me is because you feel bad for me, a desperate, needy little slut. And I'll whine and cry and moan and agree, because I want any attention you'll give me.

#degrading k1nk #degrade and humiliate me #degredation kink #humiliation kink #dumb slvt #free use slvt #pain slvt #stupid slvt #dumb wh0re #attention wh0r3 #give me attention #desperate for attention #attenti0nwhor3 #bd/sm brat #cnc k!nk #cnc free use #corruption kink #free use kink

[dantelionwishes]

and they lived happily ever after, the end!

#gk #golden kamuy #koitsuki #koito otonoshin #hajime tsukishima #im actually reusing this piece i used last year on the exact date of the older koitsuki event day (?) of the jp fandom #and just changed the bg cos it was sooo ugly before LOL #lionhe(art) #im super busy with irl things at the moment and its really sucking the life out of me #very sorry for the inactivity !!!!! IM EXTREMELY OFFLINE ATM #real life is very much needing my attention time and energy #kind of in a bad way but unfortunately there is no way out for me rn so im gna have tooooo sorta kinda deal with it!! ANYWAY SORRY FOR THE #RANDOM RANT BUT YEAH ENJOY SOME OLD KOITSUKI

[toastsnaffler]

dating an art student was so crazy I'm just thinking abt that one birthday I had where my ex got me stickers from the etsy of the person they were cheating on me with....

#they made them address the thank you note to me and everything ajskfjfkfb. i didnt know they were cheating at the time but wow... #every time i break out my sticker collection and see them im reminded of it. but i cant throw out the stickers theyre deltarune ones 😭 #like they were a rly cool artist.... just unfortunate that happened 💀 #the drama was insane. my ex only wanted to sleep with them but they (other person) wanted them to break up with me so they could date #but my ex dumped them rly harshly for suggesting that i guess 'romantic' cheating was a step too far even for them lmaooo #i heard abt their breakup secondhand and god could they be cruel sometimes. they made fun of the sex theyd had w them #to all their mutual friends n everything i actually felt so bad for the other person when i found out. at least our breakup wasnt that bad #i only finally got that cruel side of them directed towards me like a year after when they wanted us to stop being friends #but yeah. its also funny in a way bc my ex only suggested i had adhd bc the other person did too + struggled a lot with rsd #which i guess they found out when they broke up with them. and then looked at that and thought huh my gf is kind of similar... #and this was like. 2 years before i even considered i had adhd myself and sought diagnosis ahdkfidjcjdjfjfjfkdbfnf #this made me go look the other persons art page up on instagram + then i recognised some of their friends/flatmates art pages and i found #their (my exs that is) grad year film which is still being shown at animation festivals... good for them good for them #i dont think they have an art page themselves tho cuz they were always v shy and weird abt sharing art on social media #like everyone else except them is tagged on things... shame i wouldve liked to see what they were making now. even if we're not friends #also one of their old roommates made some REALLY similar squid game fanart to mine like a month after i posted it huh.. #not mad abt it or anything i think its cool i just didnt realise they showed my art to their friends. thats cute #ah this was years ago anyway. getting my head out of the rabbit hole #im gonna go play some elden ring and then maybe do smth fun in my sketchbook we shall seeee #.diaries

[aeide-thea]

thinking abt (1) that post abt how most censorship is preemptive self-censorship¹ (2) bras²

⸻ ¹ wow, tumblr search actually worked for once??? ² i do understand and respect that for many people bras serve an actual structural function wrt support/comfort! however, for many other people (hi!) they do not, at least in everyday non-sports contexts, and that's the set of concerns i'm speaking to here.

#i mean for me personally it's also like. sometimes/often/always i don't want to have visible tits‚ for Gender Reasons #so rendering them more compressed & visually ignorable is a move in the right direction #but that's sort of seasonal (which sounds insane‚ but‚ idk‚ in the summer the visible body hair helps balance out the visible tits???) #so it's like. objectively very obvious that i ought to go braless more in the summer #when it would bother me less visually and dramatically increase my comfort levels #and i do‚ in the house! but like. when i go out i still feel the need to render myself Presentable and i'm mad about it #bc like. yeah it's partially a trans desire to hide my chest but like. is that actually separable from the way women are socialized #to manage their breasts to HOA-approved standard or else open themselves up to a whole gamut of inappropriate treatment. (no.) #and so it's really just like. reimposing many different shades of cisheteropatriarchy on myself simultaneously #but unfortunately the only way out is to just. accept all the bad reactions i'm living in fear of. but those DO feel bad! #as always it's like. hard when yr self-protective conditioning isn't serving you wrt being a free person #but IS a rational reaction to the hobbled reality of yr actual existence… #like. easy to say 'just ignore those worries.' and maybe i will‚ at least in the context of like. casual public appearances #but like. even if the material consequences are unlikely‚ for me‚ to be more than unpleasantly judgmental stares— #that's still a real emotional consequence that has an impact on my well-being! but so does the self-censorship. #anyway. too many tags & no novel insight. just like. sux lol #(also usually on here i omit any discussion of Tit Management Issues bc it's my space where i get to pretend not to have a body) #(but like. that's self-censorship of a kind too.) #embodiment (is violence)

[volfoss]

when i get yoshida for everything that she did in banana fish and now yashaaaaa

#twist rambles #ME FOOLISHLY: this one wont be as bad ^_^ surely shes grown and changed after this!! (she has not) #like it sjust. the same issues over and over and like. again i wnt to like it bc unfortunately she can write semi decent characters but #u kind of have to dig for it? like idk im reminded of ash a lot. and yasha is doing the same things that she did in bf w ash just like. les #vile/poorly handled homophobia (i mean. t slur chapter 1 is kind of the shit she pulled a lot in bf so im not shocked). its just god. im #getting ash out of thereeeee and it just feels the same here in every way.

[pepprs]

ok. giving myself 4 minutes to make this post and then i finish my homework. i just am so deeply miserable. i really think i made a mistake. i should not be in grad school. i only took a year between this and undergrad and i am still so burned out and mentally ill. im working full time. im only taking one class and this program is supposed to be so good and aligned with what i want and all of that. but i just cant stand having homework. i just cant stand it. i think i am not cut out for academia even though i work in academia. i think i will never get better as long as im still living at home but i have to get better before i can no longer be living at home but i cant get better until im not living at home and every day i still live at home saps away at my will to live quite literally. i should not have started doing grad school without regaining my will to live. without restoring my love for reading and writing that i used to have voraciously when i was younger and less deeply miserable. without recovering from the burnout. i think i made a mistake. i need a masters degree so bad so that i can be safe but i need to not have fucking homework when i already struggle to get through my days without school. i feel so stuck in my life and hopeless and helpless. i dont know what to do

#purrs #i cant drop out or anything because. lol and this class isnt even that big of a deal like i TRULY am freaking out over nothing. but my life #situation is so bad rn bro like i cant get my parents to take me out to drive and i cant get myself to get my parents to take me out to #drive and every day i am guilt tripped berated etc etc and i feel like i am never ever ever going to be able to have my own life where i a #stable and safe and happy. it can happen for other people except for me and my siblings. i dont know. im not explaining anything well. #i just cant do this. i need to not have this one more thing on my plate but i have to because if i dont have a masters degree in my field i #am nothing even though everyone is telling me that isnt true and all of them are credible but im just so mentally ill i cant believe anyone #and icant accept any advice or hope or whatever good about me i just. am stuck. this is as good as it gets and its not even good. #delete later #that was 7 minutes not 4 and i didnt even write anything substantial. nutshell. i just have been so fucking depressed lately oh my goddddd #this is maybe too strong of a thing to say but like. i know it isnt technically neglect if i am an adult but... i think i may kind of be #neglected by my family in some ways a little bit and always have been but like. emotionally. like in the ways in which im never a priority #and the things i need are seen as burdens etc etc. and theres nothing anyone can do about it even myself because im an adult but like lol. #24 year old dependent moment <3 #well there is one thing i can do about it as an adult actually. its called move out. but that requires strength i will #never possess unfortunately due to the inherent flaws in my character and constitution so. guess this is it lawl 🥰 #side note (and i swear im done after this lol): i think i was doing a lot better mentally over the summer. funny how when the semester #starts i get depressed and the depression just gets worse and worse until the end of the semester 😻 funny how this is my seventh year like #this. willingly subjecting myself to this. that should be a clue no? but i love my job and if i could just have my job and be stable in it #would be happier but also im lying to mysaelf and i will always be unhappy but its because of my mental illness not my job being bad or #anything its like. i am just sick in the head with impostor syndrome and thats how i got myself into this whole mess. lol #well that and the not moving out thing which is partially my fault but also because i live in hell as described earlier! <3

[clownattack]

Whenever i am told thangs abt the leech i just go. What an embarrassing person gosh

#iykyk #god damn #The stupidest and most oblivious person ive ever came in relatively close contact with /gen. With several ppl who know them irl agreeing #i kind of feel bad they dont even realize this but not gonna bother myself with it its just me going damn #unfortunate #apparently they are under impression im a lurker. one of their MANY projections but possibly the funniest/most pathetic one #i literally did not see their blog/crs blog since waaay back when we were still getting along #i have 0 reason to go in their spaces #last ive heard they were obsessively going thru tags on my posts day in and out #at work out of work #that makes ONE lurker in all this haha even crink knew to stop at some point LMAO #literally all i know is from ppl telling me soz m8 #osmosis #just. the fact they believe ppl care enough to lurk on them is really funny in a sad way #ive been told they are paranoid abt one of their followers or something? #theyre nobody i know but stay paranoid ig #the assumption ppl would care enough #i was chortling while having old pellets read out for me #i would have to be insane to care abt what someone like that says #by which i mean an undiagnosed unmanaged shut in #quote /the universe hates them/ #definitely nothing to do with them being a mess #fitting that they have an alter ego/sona that is just their bad traits concentrated #like yeah. why are we even upset LMAO #projection town on their end allllllll the way it just screams /unwell and out of the loop/ #they dont know... ajajaj... #night was not happy abt that post no surprise there #YES they are enabling infidelity yes they are inserting themself. was supposed to stay in the house a few months and now. poor night jfc #nine months to go is too long #im so glad she told them

[lord-squiggletits]

Speaking of stupid reasons to criticize the Autobots (or rather, the opposite), I actually find the ““““problematic”““““ nature of Cop IDW Optimus and other elements of the plot to be quite essential to enjoying the story and seeing it as a balanced, nuanced story.

Because like... in other continuities, the story of revolution seems to be very much “there were good revolutionaries and there were bad ones, and then the bad ones wanted to be in charge and then they fought about it for 4 million years.” Which seems very weak to me not just in the “revolution bad” sense, but it makes me wonder how the war could go on for millions of years when the Autobots and Decepticons literally had the same goal and achieved it, now they’re just fighting over who gets to be in charge.

But like, in IDW1, the Autobot insignia and stuff already existed as a badge for the previous regime of the Prime/Senate. Orion Pax (now Optimus Prime) was a lackey of Zeta Prime who was either his loyal puppet at best or being groomed for the position of Prime at worst. Most of the people Optimus Prime recruited to help him fight were other police officers and military members he was affiliated with, who were already cracking down on the Decepticon movement as it became more and more violent.

With that base of Optimus/the Autobots being actually ~problematic~, I can absolutely see why the Decepticons wouldn’t consider the war over and would continue fighting. I mean, why the hell would they trust a police enforcer/military officer who was lackeys with the PRIME? Why would they think Optimus actually believes in peace and equality?

Of course, the Decepticons have their own problems as well. What was once a universal political movement (because remember, the Decepticon movement began with Megatron’s writings but he was NOT the leader of a militarized faction until Megatron Origins) was taken over by essentially an underground criminal gladiator organization that began engaging in weapon trafficking, crime, and terrorism. From the Autobot perspective, the Decepticons are allies for equality gone bad due to Megatron’s violent influences and the gladiator/criminal aspects overtaking the actual social equality vibes.

I just think that the premise of IDW1′s Autobot-Decepticon war is so good because like, the Autobots and Decepticons existed in a way BEFORE either Megatron or Optimus became the official leaders of those two specific, organized, militarized factions. But the society that created them and the two different social classes they came from doomed them to distrust each other. It wasn’t ever a fight about who got to be in charge, it was a war between two different factions of people who had every reason to distrust each other and think that the other faction would subjugate them if they allowed them to gain power.

#squiggposting #meta #anyways that's another reason why the aversion to cop optimus kind of bores/annoys me #like yeah he's a cop for an evil regime and you know what? #that adds momentum and stakes to the narrative that clearly explains why he would be distrusted (or trusted) by so many #every time i see clear idw1 fics give OP a different background it just kind of loses my interest immediately because it's like #oh okay this is just good revolutionaries and bad revolutionaries and a friendship gone bad #anyways this post isn't about OP or MOP alone #what i treasure in canon is like... the fact that it's so REAL #unfortunately canon doesn't really give it nuance the way i'm making it out to be #but like in my imagination i can SEE the mutually earned distrust #i can SEE how the war isn't just a fight for power or resources but a fundamental fear of each other based on historic wrongdoings #and if you look at it from a pure autobot or pure decepticon perspective #you can see both sides of why they would hate/distrust each other #'turning and turning in the widening gyre/things fall apart the center cannot hold' as they say #like MMMMMMMMM it's history it's social issues it's politics #it's about a small selection of highly charismatic figures and their allies/mentors who form the perfect storm of hatred and chaos

[evilvarric666-archive]

emotional support extremely bad novel length fanfiction that I've for some reason read all the way through 3 times.

#It's not good. It's a little offensive. I keep going back to it because unfortunately the way that the rivalmance is handled is #EXTREMELY interesting and unnervingly realistic and it scratches something deep in my brain #Like idk you don't see sympathetic depictions of people who should ''''''know better''''' and end up in abusive relationships anyways #So it kind of stuck out to me #But also the plot is literally batshit insane. I keep going back and rereading certain chapters just to confirm I didn't hallucinate them #And it's incredibly like. It's not technically proficient at all. The writing is bad I'm sorry. #But it compels me.

[rotisseries]

no bc coming up with ideas is SO hard its not talked abt enough. I find the writing moderately easy but with a lot of my fics it takes me so long to flesh out ideas for the actual story instead of one big idea.. ti's a curse

literally like I actually burned through that zelink fic I wrote cause I just for once actually knew the whole time what was going to happen like putting down a bunch of bullshit and going back to fix the bullshit later and make it not bullshit is actually remarkably easy for me if there's anything I can do it's ramble but coming up with ideas for the specific bullshit??? well brother you can just die

#I kind of wonder if I found the fic writing so easy just cause of a combo of the zelink fixation being really powerful #and the dunning krueger effect? like I never write I've hardly written so I'm not an experienced writer #which means I find the writing easier and like it better bc I don't have the experience to know enough about if it's bad you know? #whereas like. everytime I attempt drawing. I am good enough at drawing to know my drawings are bad so I hate it #like I was thinking it could possibly be that?? cause I was like there is no way the writing part of it is regularly this easy #but so far my only 2 problems have been coming up with ideas or being bored with the idea #(loz byler au. first chapter unfortunately bores the shit out of me which is why it's been like 6 months since I started that) #but yeah if I like the idea and want to see it really bad I can do it I JUST NEED IDEAS😭 #BUT I'M CONSTANTLY SEEING MY ACTUAL AUTHOR FRIENDS BE LIKE “SO MANY IDEAS NO MOTIVATION” #ask #anon

[seilon]

text them shit about ur ex then, ruin his rep right back

just talked to one of my friends on the phone for a while and dw they already know everything I have to say more or less about him it’s just. I can’t force them to cut contact with him or anything especially without sounding like exactly what he makes me out to be (manipulative, controlling, whatever) so. as much as my friend has reassured me in a lot of ways I’m still sort of stuck at an impasse when it comes to Him

#believe me I wish I could ruin him as much as he’s fucked with me but. yeah #my friends are all generally very… centrist in a way. some more than others of course but. yeah #they won’t take one side or the other as absolute which is good in a way but also painful #considering how much he’s done to fuck with me and my mental state and my friendships and etc #I told my friend over the phone ‘idk it’s hard to just be ok with my friends hanging out with the guy who literally haunts my Dreams’ #I am somewhat drunk now which is good. to me #I feel kind of bad for freaking that one friend out though he’s really the sweetest #and in a selfish way I’m worried I’ve just made myself come off as guilt trippy and whatever to my friends playing directly into my ex’s #image of me and etc #but I know logically that that’s. probably not the case. i am drunk so logic isn’t as strong as it usually is #kibumblabs #drunkish. drunk as I ever can get #I never get drunk enough to be totally incomprehensible or anything unfortunately #I just have less of a filter. as you can maybe tell #anyway back to cleaning the kitchen #I am glad I’m home alone #listening to punk breakup type songs loudly and yelling . because I can #EVERYBODY. PUT UP YOUR HANDS I DONT WANNA BE IN LOVE I DONT WANNA BE IN LOVE #FEELL THE BEAT NOW. IF YOU GOT NOTHIN LEFT SAY I DONY WANNA BE IN LOVE I DONT WANNA BE IN LOVE

[fishandshesmygills]

having the old “i dont have an identity/i don’t know who i am” crisis again lately, beating it back with the stick of “you are your actions, choose your actions well and that’s who you are”

#unfortunately some ppl have an opinion of me that doesn't really follow my sense of self #not beating the oversharer allegations #bad at boundaries #''tells everybody everything'' #im working on it!!! im doing my best out here!!! how to tell the people in your life you're growing and changing #without deliberately being like hey the way you see me (clear from the way you treat me) is kind of hurtful actually

[valleyyofthemoonnn]

you ever love people and humanity and the inherent Good of it so much it aches and hurts your heart , because you never see it. its never really been there for you to see it. you’ve only ever experienced the bad of it, but you’re so in love with the idea, you want to breathe and be alive just for the chance to see it ? you ever just do that?

#rambles of a mad man #a quote i think about constantly is “you haven’t even met half the people who are going to love you yet” #and its just so .. #the world is bad and everything is falling apart right now. i’m in an abusive household with no way out and have been for a long time #ive had a habit of being in very toxic relationships with people #so its very easy for me to fall into the line of thinking that all people are inherently evil and want to hurt me and use me all the time #and i was stuck thinking that for a while #but then i met people who love me and showed it! and it was scary because Wow i didnt know people could. do that! #and ive gained a lot more love and appreciation through that. and its still very scary sometimes because im aware i dont really know #how to deal with it all #i dont know how to react to a lot of affection i receive #but its made me fall in love with the idea of people.. even if i am still afraid to meet new ones because my old line of thinking is still #in there somewhere unfortunately… but then i read stories of people experiencing random acts of kindness from strangers #or pictures of people in art museums or pictures of kids and their dads laughing together in public #and then i think oh… people are good actually …. #i daydream about dancing with friends in a kitchen or whatever #or walking through a city and going in shops and looking at all the little trinkets together #walking in a park when its late at night just talking and talking and talking.. talking until the sun rises #isnt that what being a person is all about? just being good with people? #ive been a very angry person for a very long time and i still am #but sometimes i’ll have nights like these where i just want to live .for people #and then i cry about it #sorry im having one of those nights im thinking a lot #thought id share. idk #congrats if you read this far hi :)

[milkweedman]

Man, my doctor warned me these meds could make me clumsy, and i kind of shrugged it off bc im already walking into doors and walls constantly in my own home, but today after i took my meds (1 hour ago, i delayed bc they make me a very bad driver and i had a lot of driving to do) i have already fallen down 3 times and keep ending up on the floor somehow whenever i try to stand up. Its not great

#also shifted in my seat wrong and it immediately pulled my left hip all the way out #got it back in but like. ow #if im being honest i miss the blend of codeine vicoden and gabapentin that i was on post surgery #no pain at all and i had so much energy. i mean my brain was addled but its addled now too if we're being honest #the unfortunate fact of the matter is that i kind of. cant be present in my brain or body anymore #if im not on any painkillers then i kind of just separate and float away because the pain is so unending and horrible #if im on painkillers that actually work (which always end up being the kind that addle the brain) then. yknow. im floaty #damned if you do and damned if you dont #before the chronic pain got as bad my ptsd was just sort of tearing thru me 24/7 so i used a lot of drugs #to separate from that as well #i dont think my ptsd is any better rly i think the physical stuff just eclipses it #i am full up on physical anguish and misery so there is no room for the psychological anguish and misery #or at least that is my guess #sorry for the rambles i tend to treat this blog as part journal tbh #chronic illness