#listen. he's so funny to me. piggie :D

[theminecraftbee]

my other favorite slightly-less-stupid technoblade headcanon that i hold to dearly despite the march of fandom is that he is NOT A PIGLIN. he is a PIGMAN. there is a DIFFERENCE. this is entirely based on the fact that, like, okay he's a hypixel and pvp guy, so he basically always played 1.8. so when he got to dsmp and saw the new nether he was like. what the fuck are those. where are the zombie pigmen. those things have weird ears??? those aren't my brothers??? and combined with the fact he frequently would find out something about modern minecraft and go "what the heck when did that happen" i think he's like. one of the last of the original pigmen. the ones that became zombie pigmen before the whole piglin thing happened. he's not a zombie simply because he's built differently. he's sort of trapped in a different era. he's just chillin' though. because he's technoblade and he's built differently.

#dream smp #technoblade #listen. he's so funny to me. piggie :D #my entry into the mcyt fandom will occasionally take over my brain again GOD i need to write the bedrock bros fic #NOVEMBER....... #this combines really funny with the 'and he's also used to being an endgame mmo player' thing btw

[reporterleroux]

ooo could you do platonic irl!bench trio reacting to reader, who's a year or two younger than them, who flinches at sudden movements and jumps at sudden/loud noises? nothing bad has to have happened to reader in the past or anything! reader is just really jumpy and skiddish

also may I please be your Anarchy anon? :D

Yes ofc you can! Welcome Anarchy Anon <3

Current anons

Characters: irl!benchtrio x reader (PLATONIC)

Pronouns: They/Them

A/N: I myself honestly aren't a fan of loud noises, so I think this is pretty cool :)

ANY MENTIONS OF "loved" OR VARIANTS ARE PLATONIC.

-------------------------------------------------------

You opened Discord for the first time after getting out the shower, finding out there were messages from possibly your favourite boys and your best friends.

Child 🚼

@Y/N

NUKES ⚠️

HEY @Y/N ANSWER US

Enderboy 🌌

As much as you guys don't needa @Y/N DO IT ANYWAYS @Y/N WE WANT YOUR ATTENTION >:(

Child 🚼

YEAH

NUKES ⚠️ replying to Enderboy 🌌

THIS!

You sighed as you messaged them back.

Y/N (insert your user here if you'd like)

BITCH ASS I WAS SHOWERING

@Child 🚼 @NUKES ⚠️ @Enderboy 🌌

BE PATIENT GOD

WHATS UP ANYWAYS

NUKES ⚠️

COME MEET UP WITH US AT THE PARK

ME AND @Enderboy 🌌 ARE HERE CAUSE HES ORGANISED BUT WERE STILL WAITING FOR YOU AND @Child 🚼

Child 🚼

WAS THERE THE NEED TO TAG ME THEY KNOW IM TOMMY

BUT ANYWAYS IM ALMOST THERE

Enderboy 🌌 replying to @Child 🚼

Well get here quicker smh 🙄✋

You sighed at your friends antics. As much as you loved them they were annoying at times. You messaged them back a quick:

Y/N

alright give me like 20 mins

And put down your phone, letting it ping from probably an angry TommyInnit wanting you to be quicker. You changed into nice but comfortable clothes, and headed out, having already eaten since it was about midday.

When you eventually got to the park, your three best friends were standing there. Well, you assumed the third was there somewhere, he said he arrived but you could only see Ranboo and Tubbo. They waved at you and you waved back. You made a shrugging emote as of to ask "where's Tommy?" And before they could answer, he (for some reason) threw a hand right infront of your face, the sudden and unexpected movement making you flinch slightly, and was pretty much only possible if you squinted.

"You're finally here! Took your fucking time." Tommy said as he moved infront of you. He turned towards the boys, you thinking he was going to walk/run towards them, but he actually crouched down a bit.

"Come on small younger child! I shall piggy back you over concidering that's what small children like to do." You rolled your eyes and sighed loudly.

"Tommy, I'm legit a year younger than you three." You stated, but he wouldn't give it up. You finally caved in.

"Fine, just this once." You said as you began to get on his back, and before you could balance yourself, he started running as fast as he could towards the others. You knew he wouldn't drop you, but you still grasped onto him anyways, listening to him laughing at you. He put you down when you got to Ranboo and Tubbo.

"Hey guys! Tommy insisted I let him give me a piggy back here because it's, and I quote, "what small children like to do"." You stood there with your arms crossed while they all laughed.

"Well, you gonna stand there and laugh all day, or are we gonna do something?" Granted, it was funny, but you would've been standing in the park all day if you didnt egg them along. It took a while, but someone did finally answer, Tubbo, to be precise. He was wiping his eyes from the tears that formed while laughing as he spoke to you.

"We're going to the arcade!" He exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air on the word arcade. The arcade, the main centre of loud and unexpected noises, great. You acted like you were excited, which you were, don't take it the wrong way, it's just you didn't want to be near all the loud noises.

Once you all eventually made it to the arcade, you all went off different ways, but you and Ranboo, since the other two were off like kids in a candy shop. You two hung out and stayed together, you occasionally jumping at the sudden preset messages coming out of the machines. You were watching Ranboo absolutely kill it on Guitar Hero before the sound that pushed you over the edge rendered through the place. It was only loud nearby, but it was loud enough to make you walk out the place. Ranboo watched you walk out, still somehow perfectly playing the end of his round. When he did finish, he went to find Tubbo and Tommy before bringing them outside, them finding you sitting on the floor near the entrance doors. You looked up at them, feeling guilty about being the cause of the look on their faces.

"Before, you ask, I'm fine, loud noises just scare me and make me a bit skiddish, same goes with sudden movements. I'm sorry if I worried you." They all looked at eachother before Tommy walked back inside and Ranboo and Tubbo pulled you up and towards the nearest cafe. You all ordered and sat outside.

"Sorry Y/N, we didn't know, we'll think better next time." Tubbo said, with Ranboo nodding his head to agree. You took one of their hands each in yours and held them there.

"Don't worry about me, alright? I should've said sooner." You reassured them. Just as you let go, Tommy pulled up to the table and sat down, pushing something towards you. You all looked at him confused, he never really gave the gifts.

"Sorry." He mumbled as he pushed the gift towards you. He lifted up his hand to reveal a rubber duck he exchanged with the tickets he won.

"Thank you, Tommy, and there's no need to be. It's happened now, let's just enjoy something at this cafe."

And that's exactly what you all did.

-------------------------------------------------------

A/N: FINALLY DONE :D so sorry the time this took, had school and stuff and was on off writing it. THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR 203 FOLLOWERS BTW <3

Taglist: @bozowrites

I KEEP FORGETTING TAGLIST 😃

#dream smp #ranboo #ranboo mcyt #tommyinnit #tommyinnit mcyt #tubbo #tubbo mcyt #ranboo x reader #ranboo x you #ranboo x y/n #tommyinnit x reader #tommyinnit x you #tommyinnit x y/n #tubbo x reader #tubbo x you #tubbo x y/n #bench trio #bench trio x reader #anarchy anon

[um-talia]

Rating The Moon Signs

omg I’ve seen many people do this and I love talking shit so imma piggy back off of em. (This is based off of my personal experiences ofc 🕺🏽)

🐑 Aries Moon : So the people I’ve met with this placement were giving very much attention whores. Like I don’t understand as to why y’all feel the need to be so impulsive but it’s kinda hot ngl. My Aries Mars rocks with y’all heavy but can we chill with the 5 second tantrums ?? 👩🏽‍🦯 but I love y’all passion don’t get me wrong. These natives who I met online were usually the hot headed trollers or the ones who would repeat the same jokes to roast people 💀💀 My Rating: 6.5, do better ❤️

🐑 Taurus Moon : All the Taurus Moons I know do drugs heavily and just involve themselves in deadpan humor. Y’all so pretty with a hint of funny looking tho. Just stroke their egos for a good 2 days and show some sort of consistency and then they’ll wanna fuck fasho. omg and please tell me why y’all get so bland outta nowhere, the type to stay on the phone and just enjoy your presence. My Rating : 8, imma give u neck kisses

🐑 Gemini Moon : Another well known druggy in my life. Imma just need y’all to get it together and FIGURE IT OUT. Too much is going on in y’all minds and it’s such a beautiful yet annoying thing. I noticed people with this placement depend on others to just make the decision for them but then they disregard the decision that they asked for. The true definition of scatterbrained but y’all cute as shit and I understand why y’all depend on weed now. They’re the type to ask questions about “Determinism Vs. Free Will” outta nowhere 🤦🏽‍♀️ My Rating : 5.2, im usually the erratic one stop stealing my role 😔

🐑 Cancer Moon : I don’t know many cancer moons but the ones that I have came in contact with were kinda cringey. Their humor was really ruthless to the point where they could get scrutinized for any joke, like they mainly joked for the shock factor. They weren’t into drugs ): but they were very loving when they needed to be. My advice is try and read the room love ! My Rating : 6.4, semi good foreplay

🐑 Leo Moon : Omg this isnt a cute placement because usually I get in arguments with people with this placement. y’all are cute ig? I sense a lot of fake appraisal from this sign just to be accepted but if you rub them the wrong way or call them out on something, it’s done for you. like at this point should i intentionally bruise y’all egos?? My Rating: 3.6, gg

🐑 Virgo Moon : I’ve fell in love with every man that had this placement 🧎🏽‍♀️. And the women? Y’all remind me of my mom like 🥺. I love how y’all pay attention to detail and y’all minds remind me of like office cabinets !! Y’all keep files and receipts which is beautiful for talking shit and exposing enemies !!! I knew one virgo moon and he genuinely enjoyed watching history videos in his free time like that’s so hot ??? Very well rounded individuals and can literally talk about anything 🏄🏽‍♀️ My Rating: 9.2, y’all break my heart tho :(

🐑 Libra Moon : See this is a tricky placement because it’s such a neutral placement for me and all the other placements effects it so here’s how imma break it down. If you have water/air in the big 3 with this placement its giving very much pushover. Like the people I’ve met with that combo are really good at like seeing different perspectives but they’re kinda bad at setting boundaries with people so they’re viewed as fake. But the earth/fire with libra moon is kinda 🥴, great conversationalist and really down with anything. But y’all are pretty :D My Rating: 7.5/10, inconsistent passive aggression

🐑 Scorpio Moon: First off, I want to say that I love us :) . But let’s not act like we’re some uncommunicative bitches. Like I get it, you need an outlet to express your feelings and it can be from drugs, art, to pyromania, who tf knows? Most of the Scorpio moons I know cry about being sad and wanting dick. I do too !! Sorry about your mom being emotionally unavailable or judgmental. Get a therapist or a boyfriend who just listens that can serve you some above average dick. Oh and y’all pretty on some intimidation shit 🙈 My Rating: 9.9/10, P.S. ur still in your emo phase

🐑 Sagittarius Moon: ummmm, this is kinda awkward because my sister had this placement and she’s so sensitive 🧎🏽‍♀️. Like from the men I’ve seen with this placement they’re always hopping onto the next thing to entertain them, similar traits with Aries Moon but like a slight more pretentious. All the sag moons ik are like really into underground “designer” brands (ik it’s a contradiction but iykyk). All I have to say is, you’re okay? and stop being so selfish like ): My Rating: 4/10, ur not the next socrates

🐑 Capricorn Moon: Beautiful Bodies. But y’all are kinda mean 😔. I appreciate the bluntness and how y’all say what comes to y’all mind. Y’all love bidding (dc slang for roasting) and can really fry somebody up. y’all tend to be really emotionally independent and i admire that but at the same time do you need a hug??? really good friends but broke majority of the time because they spent their money on drugs or off brand shoes. My Rating: 8/10, u make my heart giggle

🐑 Aquarius Moon: I’ve mainly met these people online fr and they’re the ones who keep dishing out memes without missing. Whenever I come in contact with one they flirt like there’s no tomorrow but then lose interest because their standards are 📈. They usually use humor/memes to showcase their emotions which is cute until the memes become gorey or wild as hell. Have problems with communicating but they’re good people to talk to on the surface level for me. My Rating: 6/10, get off tiktok and develop a personality (im kiddinggg)

Pisces Moon: y’all remind me of symphonies, who keeps playing y’all? haven’t met many but the ones I’ve met are the type to cry in History because they lost track ): . I wanna nurture y’all just gimme the chance . The aesthetics y’all have fluctuates from grunge to fairy core and I love the fluidity. btw stop stealing my music taste and let’s hotbox🧎🏽‍♀️ My Rating: 8/10, make a song about fairy tales idk girl

Thanks for reading this shit post 🤍🪴

#astro observations #moon signs #aries moon #taurus moon #gemini moon #libra moon #virgo moon #astrology notes #scorpio moon #pisces moon #cancer moon #leo moon #sag moon #sagittarius moon #capricorn moon #aqua moon #aquarius moon #astrology

[kurlyfrasier]

Little Piggy

Hello, can you do a fic were Bayverse Raph and his S.O get into a fight and he hurts her feelings and Raph go to her house to apologize? Please, I love your writing ❤️

~~~

A/N: The above is my very first request ever! I was so excited about it! and so very nervous I have the feeling the ‘fight’ isn’t quite as...idk...horrible? as you were hoping for, but I still hope you like it! :D @samyp05 Also, I assumed you wanted Raph and Reader to be in a relationship already. Although, now that I’m reading it again, I could have started them out as ‘friends’ (teehee)... BUT I liked how this turned out for the most part (: ENJOY!

p.s. I’m glad you asked for Bayverse cuz...he’s basically the only one I write lol

Warnings: non-graphic bullying/mentions of bullying. Writer took liberties of a couple of reader’s favorite things/skills/hobbies but nothing major...hopefully

Word Count: 1429

~~~~~~~~~~~

I was heaving, eyes blazed with fury, fists clenched at my sides to keep myself from slapping the daylights out of my so-called boyfriend. He was being such a freaking jerk.

First, it was my favorite pizza toppings. Okay, so they might be considered weird, but honestly? What’s better than my favorite foods in one?

Then, it was my music. So what if rock wasn’t my favorite?

My sad video-gaming skills. Of course I’m terrible, idiot. That was my first time playing the game!

My favorite movie. Okay, so the best movie ever made might not be his speed. Would it really kill him to watch it with me?

My favorite color. Just because it isn’t red doesn’t mean I don’t love it; it’s just…a new favorite that he doesn’t know about, is all.

And so many other stupid little things.

But now. Now, he was making fun of my laugh. He called me ‘little piggy’.

That stupid, red bandana-wearing, mutant freak!

“I can’t control how I laugh, Raphael,” I seethed through clenched teeth.

“But it’s funny-”

“It’s not funny,” I deadpanned.

Flashes of all the popular kids in school flew through my mind. Their perfect, snortless laughing. Their oinking in my face. Their leftover food from lunch dumped on my head. Their mean little notes they left in my locker. The pigs they drew on my face in permanent marker when I fell asleep on the bus. School was not a safe place, no matter how much parents think it may be.

“Okay,” he chuckled, moving his toothpick from one corner of his mouth to the other with his tongue. “I don’t see wha’ the big deal is, Sweets.”

“The deal, Raph, is that I’m going home,” I fumed, turning away to walk out of the lair before shouting over my shoulder. “And I’m not sure if I’m ever coming back.”

“Wait! Whaddya mean yer not comin’ back?” He shouted, his steps heavy as he quickly caught up to me.

“Really?” I spun around to face him, yanking my arm out of his gentle hold. “For someone who isn’t accepted by the world for reasons he can’t control; he sure is quick to make fun of the things his significant other can’t control about themself.”

“Come on Y/n,” he groaned, sounding exasperated. “I was jus’ teasin’. Ya know that.”

“Raph,” I put a hand on my hip and glared up at him. “I’m fed up with all of your so-called teasing. That’s all you ever do-”

“Ya nevah seemed ta care before-”

“Shut it!” I put a palm up, signalling silence as frustrated tears started to prick at my eyes. “I deserve cuddles and hugs and kisses and my choice of pizza toppings! I’m going home. Don’t follow me.”

“Bu-”

“I said don’t, Raph,” I sighed- my sad attempt at keeping the tears at bay before he saw. “I’ll be fine. Besides, it’s daylight. Wouldn’t want you to be seen.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Raph watched you walk down the tunnel, heart shattering, until he couldn’t hear your footsteps anymore and stomped to his makeshift gym, ignoring his brothers’ stares. He needed to hit something- hard. He didn’t understand what had you in such a tiff.

Thump-thump.

So he teased you about your laugh. So what?

Whack!

He had always teased you about every little thing. You were always such a good sport about it all. It was one of the many reasons he fell for you.

Thump-thump, whack!

What was so different about your cute little snort. It was adorable to his ears. He couldn’t help but say something about it. It’s not a big deal, right? You never got so upset about his teasing before.

Whack! Thunk-whack!

Your reaction said otherwise, though. The light in your e/c eyes disappeared as if he blew the candle out himself. Your carefree smile slipped away like it was never there in the first place.

Thunk-thunk. Whack! Thump.

Then you were gone. Threatening to never return and he couldn’t live with that. Especially since you were fine until-

Until he called you ‘little piggy’. He groaned, realizing the nickname was what hit a nerve. He checked the time on his phone, also hoping to see a message from you. There was nothing and only a couple of hours had gone by. There were still a few more to go until it got dark. Restless, he paced the lair, taking extra care to avoid his brothers’ gazes- and Master Splinter’s. Definitely Master Splinter’s. He always knew the best way to make Raph feel infinitely worse about his stupidity without actually saying anything.

Deciding that pacing was getting him nowhere, Raph left the lair. Questions of where he was going shouted after him. He ignored them, thinking only of you. He had to apologize. He needed to see you. He had to convince you to come back. If he didn’t-

Well, Raph didn’t want to think about that.

He didn’t care that there was still two hours left until the sun set. He needed to see you. Needed to hug you, kiss you, cuddle up in bed with you and watch your favorite movie together. The one he secretly loved, but would never admit. Maybe even order a pizza with all of your favorite toppings that should be illegal to add on it.

Finally, after a long fifteen minutes of jumping rooftop to rooftop, Raph landed on your apartment building with a loud thud. He winced at the sound, hoping whoever lived directly below didn’t hear anything. Taking a deep breath, he climbed down the fire escape to your window.

It was closed.

That simple fact broke the fragile remains of his heart. Although, the sun was still out. Maybe you didn’t open your window for him until the sun set? It was a sliver of hope and he grabbed onto it for all he was worth as he peeped through your window.

You laid in bed, watching the very movie he hoped to watch with you tonight. He sighed, wondering if he shouldn’t have come. The thought slipped away the moment he caught sight of the kleenexes surrounding you. He hoped they were there due to allergies, but knew better.

Tentatively, Raph tapped on your window, holding his breath. If you wouldn’t speak to him tonight, he didn’t know what he would do. Just the thought of you storming away earlier that day had his chest aching and vision blurring.

“What are you doing! Get in here before someone sees you, idiot!”

Idiot. Accurate as it may be, right now he didn’t know if the word was a good or bad thing as he squeezed through the window. Still, the sound of your voice allowed him to breathe again.

“Y/n,” he stated hoarsely as you sat on your bed, looking exhausted.

“Yeah, Raph?” You asked after a long moment, looking up at him, waiting.

“I’m sorry. I won’t call ya little piggy-”

You flinched at the words.

“Sorry, I won’t say it again. I didn’t know it would upset ya so much,” he sighed, rubbing a hand over his head, taking a small step toward you now that the hard part was over, and continued in a rush. “And we can watch yer favorite movie anytime ya want. And eat yer weird pizza. And-”

“Play video games in the lair without you taking over?”

“Yeah-”

“And listen to my favorite music?”

“Yeah, Swee’heart. Anything ya want. Just please,” his voice cracked as he took another small step closer, those green eyes boring into your own. “Please, don’t leave me.”

“Okay,” you whispered, still staring up at him.

“Yeah?” His heart soared, feeling lighter as you glued its broken pieces back into place.

You nodded, eyes flicking around your room as if you were searching for something.

“Ya gonna tell me why it botha’ed ya so much?” Raph took care to make himself sound curious, but all he really wanted were the details of who he needed to knock some sense into. He had never seen you so distraught before and he didn’t like it. Nobody messed with those he loved without facing his fists.

Your head shook, eyes tightly closed in an attempt to block the memories away.

“Okay, okay,” you were snatched off your bed and into a pair of strong arms, holding you close as he whispered in your ear. “Ya don’t gotta tell me today.”

You nodded, unable to voice your thanks.

“Whaddya say we order yer pizza, cuddle up in yer bed, and start this movie over?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: Bullies = not cool. People have feelings so DON’T DO IT. Think before you say and do things, people, it really is not that difficult.

#very first request #my writing #fanfic #tmnt #raph x reader #arguing #fighting #apologies #upset reader #hurt #happy ending #raph says sorry #its a miracle lol

[mortallycoldmagazine]

Fic Recs!

So apparently it’s fanfic appreciation day? In celebration, here are some of my favourite fanfics- all MCU. I love them with my entire heart. READ THEM ALL!  :D (mostly stucky and stony, fyi) 

THIS IS IN COMPLETELY RANDOM ORDER. 

1) https://archiveofourown.org/works/13817463/chapters/31774497 - this is the only post-CACW ‘make-up’ fic that seems hella realistic and makes me actually forgive Steve. 114k

2) https://archiveofourown.org/works/14317536/chapters/33037362 - in which Bucky can turn into a white wolf, and how that affects the MCU’s natural pattern. 141k

3) https://archiveofourown.org/works/14910729/chapters/34537617 - In which Steve is Hades and Toni (fem!Tony) is Persephone. I love powerful, dark!Toni. It’s so beautiful. 41k

4) https://archiveofourown.org/series/41492 - If you want to cry like a baby, read this. AU where Tony comes back from Afghanistan and is diagnosed with cancer. SO DAMN POWERFUL. I’ve only read it once because it makes me Feel So Strongly agh. 290k

5) https://archiveofourown.org/works/7123282 - the first crack fic on this list! Teacher!AU in which Bucky and Steve are teachers at school who are infamous for their hatred for each other... and no-one knows they’re secretly married. Shoutout to @lesbiandanbeau​ for introducing it to me, it’s SO MUCH FUN. 18k

6) https://archiveofourown.org/series/582637 - incomplete series but it’s SO GOOD. In which HYDRA doesn’t give Bucky the serum- instead, they turn him into a sex demon. Contains a LOT of dub-con/non-con but it’s so damn good. 336k

7) https://archiveofourown.org/works/6606808/chapters/15115414 - powerful Fem!Tony (toni) makes me * feel things *. Pants things. Because she’s so badass, goddamn woman. (aka: the MCU...if Tony was actually Toni). 

8) https://archiveofourown.org/works/16176539/chapters/37798343 - even more fem!Tony. But this time, Toni has some ancient bloodlines to back her up. (vampire-ish, Addams family inspired Toni). Toni could bash my kneecaps in and I’d say thank you. 

9) https://archiveofourown.org/works/13640571/chapters/31325814 - in which Bucky is an (illegal) necromancer and Steve is the SHIELD agent that catches him in the act. But in a sudden change of heart, Steve lets Bucky go... and their relationship evolves from there :D

10) https://archiveofourown.org/works/18347003 -honestly, I’m surprised this is the first Soulmate!AU on here because I’m SUCH. A. SUCKER. For soulmate AUs. Steve/Bucky/Tony, with ‘writing on skin = I can see it on my skin’ soulmate AU. Beautiful. Captures Tony’s character really, really well. Damn. 30k

11) https://archiveofourown.org/works/1614746/chapters/3439820 - OH MY GOD THIS IS SO GOOD. I’ve always wondered what would happen if Bucky came back from CA:TWS and was completely and utterly compliant, and Steve didn’t realize just *how* deep it went. This answers that question. SO GOOD. 102k

12) https://archiveofourown.org/works/12823671/chapters/29276760 - in which Bucky’s mask is nailed to his face... but Steve saves the Winter Soldier anyway. It’s amazing. Goddamn. Read it. 71k

13) https://archiveofourown.org/works/8504761/chapters/19490446 - in which Steve is Death. Yes, Death. But Bucky is still Bucky. AKA: The story of how Bucky and Death somehow fall in love. 16k

14) https://archiveofourown.org/works/7469145/chapters/16973895 - IF YOU LIKE WHUMP, THIS IS 426K OF THE BEST WHUMP I’VE EVER READ. There basically isn’t a single moment when someone isn’t being punched, stabbed, whipped, starved, something. In which Steve and Tony are abducted by aliens and sold into a slave mining camp.  I love it with my whole-ass heart. 426k

15) https://archiveofourown.org/works/16295684 - one of the shortest fics on this list, but it makes me cry + feel hella empowered + fall deeper in love with Steve Rogers every time I read in. Aka- six times Steve was aggressively pro-choice. READ IT. 5k

16) https://archiveofourown.org/works/11779137/chapters/26559057 - you know how everyone reads a book in their lifetime that literally changes who they are as a person? This is that book, for me. It is so beautifully written, incredibly powerful, respectful, introspective, philosophical... I could literally rant about it all day. Wow. In which Steve Rogers and his Howling Commandos liberate a concentration camp; their mission? The rescue and rehabilitation of prisoners experimented on by Arnim Zola, among them, a man named Bucky. SO. AMAZING. 47k

17) https://archiveofourown.org/works/16204610 - crack at it’s finest. In which a Very Stoic Winter Soldier has a secret boyfriend. That none of his teammates know about. (spoiler alert: it’s modern!Steve). And his teammates * might * be under the impression that he’s actually a dog.  17k

18) https://archiveofourown.org/works/3476579 - OH FUCK. This fic makes me cry faster, and more, than any other fic I’ve ever read. Literally- 8k, and I cry at *least * three times every single time I read it. I don’t even know why- it’s just so, incredibly, absolutely bittersweet. I love it. Read it.  In which post-CATWS Bucky has a lot of brain damage, and is making his way through life despite it. Wow. 8k

19) https://archiveofourown.org/works/11838204/chapters/26720631 - in which Steve jumped after Bucky, and HYDRA acquired two Assets. SEE IT’S SO GOOD EVEN THE SUMMARY IS AMAZING. WOAH. SO GOOD. 55K

20) https://archiveofourown.org/works/7271731/chapters/16511242 - In which HYDRA kidnaps five-year-old Tony Stark, and raises him as ‘The Mechanic’. Of course, that doesn’t stop him from becoming IronMan. Or an Avenger. 54k

21)  https://archiveofourown.org/works/16457597/chapters/38540813 - SO GOOD. I’m a sucker for healing/recovering fics, but who cares. Amazing. Steve/Bucky

22) https://archiveofourown.org/works/18787102/chapters/44573662 - 3K OF AMAZINGNESS THAT’S INCOMPLETE AND MAKES ME WANT TO TEAR MY HAIR OUT. SO GOOD. SO GOOD. HOW IS IT SO GOOD. WTF. Irondad.... but not. Aka, Peter Parker travels through the multiverse to try and find Tony Stark. But instead, he finds someone with the same face.... whose name is Robert Downey Junior? AHHHHHHHHHHHHH 3K

23) https://archiveofourown.org/works/14772824/chapters/34165730 - this makes me feel. So Soft. You don’t understand. If you want 93k of Steve fretting about nothing and Bucky being confused yet adorable, this is for you. I love it with my entire heart. 93k. 

24) https://archiveofourown.org/works/349478 - WHY DOES NO-ONE TALK ABOUT THIS FIC. In which Tony gets amnesia, and starts forgetting things. And people. and Steve. 43k 

25) https://archiveofourown.org/works/12912708/chapters/29501541 - CRACK AT IT’S FINEST. I love this so much. Tony comes out as Ironman, and the entire world goes ‘yeah, right. no.’ It evolves from there... I’ve literally been ON THE FLOOR IN TEARS from laughter from this fic. I love it. Winteriron. 19k. 

26) https://archiveofourown.org/works/15878580/chapters/36997887 - another AMAZING crack fic. The metaphors are hilarious. You don’t understand how much I love this fic. It’s more than, like, Bucky loves plums. I LOVE IT. 44k 

27) https://archiveofourown.org/series/597010 - modern!bucky + cap!Steve. Bucky is the sassiest person ever and i love him for it. Read this series. You won’t regret it. 33k 

28) https://archiveofourown.org/works/15555630 - Why am I such a sucker for crack fics. 4k. steve/bucky. I love it. read it. it’ll take 5 minutes and your day will be So Much Better. 4k

29) https://archiveofourown.org/series/1021446 - lmao. In which a Very Stoic Winter Soldier has a secret boyfriend. (spoiler alert: it’s Steve). “BUT WAIT!” I hear you say. “Didn’t you already rec this fic? Wasn’t that #17?” and I reply “YOU FOOLS! I LOVE THIS TROPE SO MUCH I’M RECCING TWO FICS OF IT BECAUSE IT OWNS MY ENTIRE HEART!” and then you read them both. 2k. 

30) https://archiveofourown.org/works/13414524 - in which a Very Drunk modern!Bucky is dared by the modern!Howling Commandoes to ask this guy in a bar for a piggy back ride. Spoiler: the guy is cap!Steve. crack. the best group-chat fic I’ve ever read. 2k 

31) https://archiveofourown.org/works/2741975/chapters/6146123 - if you want the longest, most exhaustive breakdown of Stucky ever, this is your fic. 731k ( YES 731K) OF AMAZING METAPHORS, emotions, and so. much. pining. I love it. 731k. 

32)  https://archiveofourown.org/series/426577 - Post-CATWS. Bucky is addicted to heroine. and has adopted two children. What else is new? 131k

33) https://archiveofourown.org/works/10720710/chapters/23753940 - if you haven’t read Celestial Navigation, can you actually call yourself part of the MCU fandom? It’s. So good. I’m in awe. Always makes me cry lmao. 210k

34) https://archiveofourown.org/series/195689 jesus christ this is good and emotional and heartfelt and sincere and funny and just the best thing ever read IT. Post-CATWS. Bucky’s new mission: protect Steve Rogers. Now, if only Steve was aware of this fact, and would stop looking for him. 264k.

35) https://archiveofourown.org/series/429256 - * claps hands * UNDERAPPRECIATED FIC TIME. In which post-CATWS Bucky is taking down Hydra, recovering, listening to music, and.... has a psychic connection with a spaceship? Okay then.

36) https://archiveofourown.org/series/1120239 - so damn good. In which Peter Stark is abducted at 6 years old by HYDRA, and trained to be the infamous Black Spider assassin. What happens when, ten years later, Ironman captures him? 139k

37) https://archiveofourown.org/series/780747 - the most well-written, in character MJ I’ve ever read. MJ/Peter. I love it with my entire heart. They’re so cute. 

If I had to pick a top 5, though, they would be: 35, 33, 32, 23, and 34. (see corresponding list numbers) Perhaps. Choosing that was like choosing a favourite child ohmygod. Really, just read all the fics. 

Hope this helped you find some new fics to read! Happy reading, and have a great Fanfic Appreciation Day! 

______

Here I’m tagging a bunch of people who I follow and are into the MCU that I think might like this. Sorry if this is annoying. 

@petersbenjamin @pepperony3000 @antifastark @sleepyrhodey @sapphirestark @mariahiill @vanddyne @spideyjlaw @magunahstark @iron--spider @proof-tony-stark-has-a-heart @stevebuckyfics @hufflebucky @rescuetony @tropicalcap @fucking-hell-sebastian-stan  @fuckyeahblackwidow @sabrecmcstonyficrecs @nacho-bucky @jaamesbbarnes @ironfamjam @underoosstark @yellowdistress @lesbiandanbeau @musings-on-bucky-barnes @the-ss-horniest-book-club @fysebastianstan @siriuslypersea @omg-just-peachy @tonystarkd @cptniron @sad-stark @antifastark @caroldanverts @sleepytony @madasthesea @serumsteve @incorrect-spiderson @kentuckybarnes @evanstar @holostark

________

Feel free to tag anyone else you think might enjoy this! :D 

#fanfic appreciation day #fic rec #rec #fanfic #MCU #stucky #stony

[undertheniall]

Have u seen the s***** and I dont know how to spell her name but the video, dude my stomach legit hurts like i kinda wanna throw up. Idk why they think that's cute or funny

Anonymous said:Do they not realise that they’ve just given their fans something else to take the piss out of, they’re fuelling the fire, everyone is laughing at them

Anonymous said:I haven’t clicked on my Shawn notifications in months and when I finally do I get blinded

l0nelyforyouonly said:i’m no longer a fan of shawn that was the last straw for me

Anonymous said:PLEASE TELL ME YOU’VE SEEN THE VIDEO SHAWN JUST POSTED ON INSTAGRAM I WANT TO VOMIT

Anonymous said:YOOOO DID U SEE THE VID ALSKDBSJSJ

Anonymous said:Justine wake the fuck up there us a nasty video of Shawn and camila kissing "their like you guys say we kiss like fish" and then they did the most nastiest kiss on purpose to make it look like they were actually fish I don't even Stan Shawn but him and Camilla are both trash

Anonymous said:Did you see the video of Shawn and C*milla posted on his insta? I literally had to scroll past it halfway through watching it bc I felt like I was gonna puke

Anonymous said:Yuck! 🤢🤮 there’s a new video of Cowmila and Shawn kissing like fish on instagram. Where are those cute baby animal gifs to put my mind to ease!?! 

Anonymous said:I am DISGUSTED by Shawn’s post🤢🤮 

Anonymous said:Wtf did Shawn just make me see with my own two eyes

Anonymous said:Wow that video of them is disgusting. Eewwwww

Anonymous said:im waiting for your opinion on that video 

Anonymous said:uh.. did you see the video shawn posted of him and c 

Anonymous said:Ooooh welcome to hell! Please do not enjoy your stay! 

.

.

WOW  OK GUYS SORRY IM GONNA ANSWER THIS IN ONE 

im so beyond grossed out. wow. shawn is gone for me. i dont know what a shitty person hes trying to be but im not going to stan this shit. i dont think it was funny, all they have proven was that shes flopping (like a fish lol) and she needs to be all over the media to get people to listen to her goat music. gross. gross. gross. im done with shawn. D O N E. 

and here are some cute piggies

#anon #ask

[bladekindeyewear]

Boots Reads Homestuck Epilogue(s) Part 12 - Candy Page 18

==>

Time to see what all the fuss was about Page 18.  We’re with Jane... that might not be good.  Especially given Lollipop proximity.

Jane scoffing at troll genocide again.  :(

Gamzee seems more woke than Jane here.

GAMZEE: sO yOu SaYiN yOu NeEd DiFfErEnT sHoEs FoR yOuR hUmAn DiCkS aNd WhAt NoT?

Pfffff

Jane narrows her eyes at the disingenuous buffoon.

I dunno, he sounds like he’s being pretty goddamn ingenuous right now.

It’s not the first time they’ve had this conversation?  Are they black with each other or something??

What’s more likely is he’s attempting to get a rise from her. To get her a little hotter under the collar. To put her in a certain mood.

Oh my gosh she’s genuinely black for him, hahahahah

GAMZEE: AnD AlL I EvEr bEeN TrYiN To dO Is gEt yOu rIgHt tOo, WiTh mOrAlS AnD GoOdNeSs, AlL fIlLeD uP iNsIdE yOu As TiGhT aS yOuR tAsTy HoE bAlLoOnS aRe WiTh HuMaN mOo JuIcE.

Jesus christ that’s not the kind of metaphor i want to be hearing from canon

or anyone for that matter

JANE: No! I’d rather die than touch your disgusting clown baton ever again.

....yyyeah, context is showing she’s PROBABLY super Black into this.  Still, pretty jarring to see a clear consensual “NO” right in the middle of things.

Quit calling her a dairy queen!!! D: D: D:

Oh god they named the baby Tavros.

Alright, there’s some grade A discomfort in this scene, which I’m enjoying, really.  I can see why they singled out page 18.  I could traumatize some people with some of these paragraphs out of context.

HOO HOO HOO, THIS LITTLE PIGGY WENT TO THE DARK CARNIVAL!!!

Eeeeuugh

JAKE: Anyway whats up with you? Hows life with davekat going? JADE: oh its great! im really glad i just went for it JADE: all of us together... it really is the best of every world

God damnit Jade why are you obliviously torturing them????????

You could’ve been REALLY GOOD for them both if you just FUCKING LISTENED TO THEM AND RESPECTED THEM INSTEAD OF SITTING ON THEM.

JADE: theres no way me and dave could have a regular baby together because im... JAKE: Whats wrong? JADE: well lets just say that after all the sburb stuff its done some things to my body JADE: like merging with bec mostly

Oh my FUCKING GOD please don’t canonize this.  This didn’t need to be spelled out so-- D:

jesus

D: D: D:

This... is actually making my stomach roil again????

like

not because id object to-- i mean, it’s one thing to deal with

FAN SCENARIOS

ISOLATED divergences from canon where she has to deal with that and its kind of hilarious, but can be safely ignored when it comes to her character arc as a whole

but once its CANON????????   D: D: D:

suddenly you can’t IGNORE the full import when you’re done with, like, an RP or something, of the psychological struggle she would be forced to deal with given an abnormal biological situation.  Instead of thinking “Oh, that could be pretty painful to deal with! Let’s explore it temporarily for fun” it becomes “Oh, that would be painful to deal with and you have to think about her having to deal with all the complications of that whenever you hear about her LITERALLY FOREVER.”  D:

andrew i know you couldnt resist because of how funny and practically-xenoprogressive it was but whyyyyyyyyy did you have to canonize that WHYYYY

Now instead of a fun joke thought it also has to be SAD FOREVER

AAAAAAAA  D’:

i dont know why this would be the line thats crossed to upset me

Rose surrogate?

JADE: no jake, dave wouldnt be the father in this scenario!

Pffffff.  Andrew’s just diving RIGHT into the, er, doggy fanfics here.  I should... TRY to lighten up about this.  Try.  D:

(...wait, shit.  Knowing my friend, THIS whole bit is why they alluded to this page.  God damnit.)

[[ EDIT:  askshenhibiki said:

Now that you read Candy 18, flash back to Meat when Roxy is talking about gender... and look at Jade's reaction looking at "where her hands rest on her lap". Yes, Meat hinted at that "mix" too.

Ah, let’s see...

ROXY: and so i got to thinking ROXY: what even is gender ROXY: amirite lol? JADE: oh yeah JADE: that makes sense i guess........

Jade looks at where her hands are folded in her lap. Bites her lip. She has her own concerns about this, her own thoughts. Reasonable thoughts, I’d say. But I’ll refrain from any further comment. I’m staying away from this subject, from now on.

...yeah, guess Dirk at least had the decency not to spring all that on us before Jade got the opportunity to do it honestly. ]]

Guh, back to Jake suffering in his sad, trapped scenario.  I hope THAT gets at least resolved by the end of this.  Someone save Jake from this, because it looks like he’s not really that capable of saving himself?

==>

Dammit, Jade, I’m cringing at these descriptions of your intrusion.

Oh wow, John went for the mustache.  Guess we knew that from, like, his stuffed statue oldself?

Jade doesn’t pick up on the obvious subtext in the conversation, however, because she’s been willfully undermining the subtext in her own personal life for nearly a year now.

D:  D:  D:

Seriously, Jade, how is what YOU’RE doing any better than what you were frustrated at seeing THEM doing, avoiding the real feelings and truth of anything even if it was conspicuously on body-language display?

KARKAT: THE NEW ADMINISTRATION IS CRACKING DOWN ON CERTAIN KINDS OF INTERSPECIES ADOPTION LAWS.

It’s like Andrew wants us deprived of even a happy imagined future for Earth C on top of everything else!!!  What the hell! >:(

Is this about politics?  Is Andrew just venting his anger that the Orange Guy is going to get away with ruining everything forever??  Because as understandable as that is, he could at least give us some imaginary happyfutures to look forward to.

Reading on... Hm, yet another intentionally-misused fridging reference.

KARKAT: HIS RELATIONSHIP IS A FLAMING WRECK OF AN INTERSTELLAR WARSHIP HURTLING TOWARDS THE PLANET AT TERMINAL VELOCITY WITH THE ENTIRE CREW BRUTALLY SLAUGHTERED UPON REENTRY, SHOVED STRAIGHT DOWN THE CHAGRIN TUNNEL AND THEN IMMEDIATELY SHAT OUT THE OTHER SIDE, THUS FLOODING THE ENTIRE FUCKING NEIGHBORHOOD WHEN IT CLOGS UP THE LOAD GAPER.

Yep, that triangle’s fucked.  Wonder if the conversation’s going to transition to the CURRENT triangle’s problems...

...yeah, John using the R word there isn’t far from the fucking truth from the looks of things.

JADE: maybe that would work for a few days, but one thing i learned from dating around a lot in my youth is that no ones going to leave a bad relationship until its THEIR idea to leave

She takes in a shaky breath and shuts her eyes. Her hair spills around her face when she leans forward to put her chin on her knees. Dave and Karkat exchange a look that is equal parts confused, miserable, and desperate.

Oh SHIT.  Is JADE going to be the one to finally vocalize about the problems here???

Something else comes hurtling out of the hole in the sky, too fast for Jade to catch. It hits the ground with a clap of green lightning. The collision sends a geyser of dirt, rock, and vapor into the air. Dave flash-steps to shield Karkat. Jade doesn’t move, taking the brunt of the explosion face on, using her abilities to warp the energy around her so that she’s a mote at the center of the storm. When the dust clears, she’s the first to jump in the crater, trailing smoke behind her.

There’s a body at the center of it. The torso is bloody, tangled, and curled into a fetal position. Its shoes are missing, but otherwise the outfit is quite familiar to her: it’s a dead ringer for her old Witch of Space uniform. Jade touches the body with the toe of her shoe, and then gasps when it rolls over to reveal its face.

JADE: its... JADE: ME???

Okay what the FUCK.  It sounds like there’s going to be some context for that postscript after all.  Something to bridge the gap between when that 16-yo Jade falls into the singularity and when Aradia goes off with her through a wormhole

I’m going to guess up front that this happens BEFORE the postscript... this younger version of Jade fell into the black hole and came out in THIS alternate timeline, possibly rather changed by the experience.  But then again, the way the sky opened up... actually, couldn’t that be just a “natural” manifestation of the black hole abilities encouraged by Calliope or done by the singularity alone, followed by later in the Postscript this Jade actually getting control of it??

And... reading on, from the sound of it, her eyes aren’t black yet, either.  Sounds like that’s to come, before the postscript.  Question being, is it alt!Callie black eyes, or some black-hole-powers visual manifestation?  Wait, never mind, I misread; this teenage Jade-corpse has NOT opened their eyes yet, so they couldn’t possibly tell, and the stuff about them “shaking” was about the adult Jade standing over her.  Never mind.  Let’s see which timeframe this Jade came from.

Also STOP TRAUMATIZING ADULT JADE ON SCREEN ITS NOT OKAY IM SICK OF IT ANDREW

==>

Page 20...

Stop letting babby not!Vriska bully babby not!Tavros.

Hm... same stupid tooth poison?  No, Jade didn’t get hit with a tooth... so it’s more getting hit with shards of spacetime and spiraling down a black hole.  Also whatever alt!Callie did to just barely keep her alive.

Hm, so the Heart stuff falls apart if you’re too separated from the mass-whole at Light’s center?  That’s certainly a hypothesis at least.

ROXY: sounds like its time for another funeral lmao

ROXY WAKE THE FUCK UP AND STOP BEING A VAGUELY ROXY-LOOKING LMAO-ZOMBIE.  WHERE THE FUCK DID REAL ROXY GO.

And where the fuck is Calliope anyway, she’s just being left in the dust and nobody’s even talked to her from the looks of it.

Hm, cut apart by political differences, this group...?

ROXY: woah ok karkat i get ur all fired up about politics and stuff but lay off gamz ok

ROXY WHO REPLACED YOUR FUCKING BRAIN WITH A BLOCK OF CHEESE

ROXY YOU’RE MY FAVORITE CHARACTER PLEASE GIVE US AN EXPLANATION FOR WHY YOU’RE ACTING NOTHING LIKE THE COOL SMART PERSON WE READ ABOUT.

JADE: dave what the FUCK did you say to him downstairs?

Oh my god you asshole don’t blame DAVE for this >:(

ROXY: this time next week well corpse party like its the end of the world!

I don’t want to think this has anything to do with Aradia, but we DID see her in that postscript bit...  And, I mean, what the hell could she even do??  It’s not like this Roxy is just Aradia in really convincing cosplay or something.

==>

She leads John and Jake into the building and down the center of the nave, humming happily to herself the entire time. An equally effusive Calliope trails behind her, carrying a bouquet of purple flowers.

Well there’s Callie. What is WITH these hypnotized motherfuckers.  I need a revelation on these shenanigans STAT.

What is with people being bathed in light here?

each time we witness death, we fall in love in with the important people in oUr lives all over again.

Calliope is gazing at Roxy with glassy eyes. She sniffs as she plucks the last petal from her rose. A breeze washes through the cathedral from the crack in the door at the end of the room, brushing the petal off-course and causing it to get stuck in Roxy’s over-sprayed hair. Calliope reaches out with a visibly shaking hand to remove the plant offal, but she does not draw back. Instead, she lets her hand graze down the side of Roxy’s face and cup her cheek. Roxy puts her own hand over Callie’s and holds it.

Uhhh.... huh.

So.

If Roxy was just lying to herself, then............ WHY??????

John tilts his head and squints at the image in front of him. Hmm.

Is John realizing he’s in some sort of fanfic drawn by another character, hence all the people in serene lightbeams at tender but unjustified moments?

Everyone whips their heads around to see, of all people, Aradia hovering in the foyer

Pff

(...I hope Aradia didn’t come here, like, from the postscript.  Where the “action” she talked about might have just been this corpse party.  Because that would be pretty fucking lame.)

KARKAT: MAYBE FUCKING NEPETA IS ABOUT TO POUNCE FROM BEHIND THAT GROTESQUE STATUE OF THE HUMAN SUFFERER T-POSING OVER THERE.

Pfffffffffff

The description of Human Jesus we all had in our hearts, but were too afraid to voice.

Alright, now we see the body we took our eyes off of.  Is it going to get back up, or did it escape earlier?

since nobody was willing to dislodge the huge, otherworldly shard from her chest

My damn god, people.

...alright finally, everyone’s talking.

JANE: Agreed. I’ve always felt that Kanaya has done an exemplary job of providing a model for compassionate, empathetic behavior, which others of her kind would do well to follow.

JANE STOP BEING A XENOPHOBIC BASTARD

CALLIOPE: please. roxy gathered yoU all here for a reason. CALLIOPE: at least listen Until the end. CALLIOPE: after that yoU can argUe all you want.

...Huh.  Huuuuhh.  What the fuck is all this for.  Are you saying ROXY caused this? Or...?

Okay I like this reinforcement she’s making in her speech about how different changes can influence how all of this unfolds, gives me hope that maybe these two cliffhangers aren’t all we’re going to be left with and we’ll be able to at least think of an IMPLIED future different from them if we wanted to like we thought about the seemingly-infinite-possibility original ending of Homestuck that I’d rather have been stuck with than this oh god breathe boots

okay there’s the labor going into good distraction

alright corpse get back up

JADE: i am not jade.

Right, so like the black eyes in the postscript suggested this is more just a... vessel for alt!Calliope now?  To give HER a future beyond the one she sacrificed for that black hole business?  And between alt!Callie’s became-the-black-hole nature and Jade’s Spacey Green Sun connection that’s been singularified, she has access to cool Black Hole powers?  And is gonna do cool shit with them in implied future adventures we won’t see while Aradia gleefully watches the carnage?  Huh.

The congregation watches her go, but no one moves to help her, or even looks in her direction. In her wake, she leaves a primal, echoing wail.

Oh my god why wouldn’t they have just a brief discussion or something IT’S NOT THAT BAD  D:

JADE: and while i cannot say the same thing for the rest of you, JADE: i, at least, am exactly where i am meant to be.

Well fuck.  So she just disconfirmed this timeline as... something.  Relevant, possible, I dunno.

JADE: and i have entered this body to protect your world.

Okay that’s good.  So thanks to alt!Calliope these side timelines where things unfolded differently MAY be preserved.  Pretty fitting given alt!Callie’s origins.

.......unless there’s some other stupid interspecies civil war threat that she’s going to be fighting too, here, when the political situation falls apart.  Dammit.

==>

Terezi talk Terezi talk

-- JOHN EGBERT sent TEREZI PYROPE the photo “ghostrain.jpg” --

TEREZI: WH4T TH3 4CTU4L FUCK JOHN: it started a few days ago. the sky above the capital of the troll kingdom just cracked open and ghosts began raining down everywhere.

Oh my GOD.  So alt!Callie kind of “saved” all the doomed ghosts that got swallowed up in the black hole by redirecting them all to THIS UNIVERSE and timeline???????

That’s pretty interesting!  Heck my stomach’s even calming down!

they can’t even be judges! TEREZI: G4SP

Yeah that’s pretty terrible!

...yep, the resistance WOULD put him in charge.  I had a feeling it may have ended up in that direction in Candy since it wasn’t in Meat.

--oh FUCK YOU Jade for splitting up what he had with Karkat before they could sort it out!!! You did the OPPOSITE OF HELP and neither of them are going to end up happy thanks to you! D:<

PFFF wow, John’s so concerned about babby not!Tavros’s living situation that he’s considering legit kidnapping.  That means things must be pretty fucking bad.

--okay Calliope’s still out and about with Roxy instead of being cooped up in her room like in the other timeline, that’s good.

Pff, trying to redeem Ghost Eridan in front of Ghost Feferi.  Yep, that’s Gamzee.

GAMZEE: fIrSt, A LiTtLe RiGhTeOuS sPlAsH oF tHe NaNnA nEcTaR tO cLeAnSe ThAt DaNkNeSs FrOm YoUr SoUlS...

Gamzee takes out a baby bottle and flicks it, covering them both with little drops of milk, as clergy does with holy water. He then takes a swig from the bottle himself before returning it to his codpiece.

Jesus.  Fucking.  Christ.

I don’t want to believe that what’s in that bottle is what he’s making it sound like it is, but OF COURSE it is.  Why would it be anything else.  I bet there’s not even any Lifey hypnosis going on, it’s just the literal stuff.

The crowd falls silent as they raise their heads to watch a drone ship pass by overhead.

Jegus fuck stop going whole hog condesce janey

ROXY: lmao you worry too much ROXY: janeys got her head on straight shell show you yet

ROXY.  WHERE DID YOUR BRAIN GO.  I MISS IT.  YOUR BRAIN WAS THE BEST FUCKING PART OF YOU.

Touching photo.

Alright lemme post split.  I haven’t gotten as far as the last post plowed through since I’ve been typing so much... ah well.

#Homestuck #Homestuck Epilogue #Upd8 #Homestuck Liveblog #bladekindeyewear #BlastYoBoots

[britishchick09]

we finished lotf in english yesterday AND WE‘RE NOT WATCHING THE MOVIE :(

so it’s up to me to watch it today :)

AND i SHALL

thoughts below :)

*when piggy says ‘you got it!’ after ralph blows the conch: OMG SO CUTE :D

*after ralph blows the conch* he’s supposed to keep on blowing why that part was funny :(

*when the choir starts to sing* this sounds like the jeopardy theme lol

OMG JACK SOUNDS PERFECT :D

*when simon faints* ohp there’s simon

omg this camera work is this a vlog

JACK SOUNDS PERFECT AHHHHHHHHH

*when they introduce themselves* samneric sound exactly the same is that twinning or what

who the f is douglas

why is simon blonde the f

DON’T GET ME STARTED ON RALPH THO

there’s a robert and harold here woah senpai who

why is roger not dark the f

*when jack tells piggy to shut up* JACK SHUT UP YOURSELF THIS IS WHY I DISLIKE YOU

*when jack says he should be chief* he didn’t say the c sharp thing whoops

*when the boys say me me me me me* MINE MINE MINE MINE

ew that one laugh was so gross ew

let’s just imagine that ralph is dark blonde thanks

*when piggy confronts ralph* dang is this ralphiggy

*when jack says ‘we’re not savages, we’re english!’* OH THE IRONY

*when piggy speaks right after* wow they’re listening to piggy huh

*someone says ‘we might stay here ‘till we die!′* OHP FORESHADOWING ALERT

so is mulberry mark kid not in this or what

*when a lizard hops on simon* HOW IS HE NOT SCREAMING IN TERROR

*when the boys run right after that* WHELP THAT WAS FAST

*when ralph takes piggy’s glasses* ralphiggy strikes again

omg they look so dirt ew

JACK SHUT UP WITH THAT LAUGH

*when they chant ‘kill the pig, slit her throat, bash her in’* IT’S ‘KILL THE PIG, CUT HER THROAT, SPILL HER BLOOD’ GOSH

*when simon calls ralph ‘chief ralph’* THANK YOU

*when jack leaves the gang* GOOD GO AWAY

wow this looks really shippy hey there jalph

*when simon looks at the pig* huh they cut out the dialogue dunno if that’s good or not but interesting choice

*when they kill simon* NO MY BBY THIS IS WORSE THAN THE BOOK BECAUSE I CAN HEAR HIS SCREAMS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

THIS IS THE WRONG CHANT SHUT UP STOP IT GET SOME HELP

is this from simon’s point of view because holy f what a horrid scene to witness as you’re dying LIKE NO

WAIT THAT WASN’T SIMON?!??!?!??

...oh no THERE HE IS

*when he screams* he’s just standing there LOOK MORE TERRIFIED BBY THEY’RE LITERALLY GONNA-

OH NO I CAN’T SEE ANYTHING IS THAT A GOOD THING

*when piggy and ralph talk the next day* why are piggy’s glasses not cracked

*when someone whips that stick on that kid* omg he’s naked WHY THEY BE SPANKING HIS BUTT THO

WHO IS THAT KID

WHY

...i saw his butt tho

i saw the cracc

wow jack looks like a skeleton

JACK SKELLINGTON

JACK MERRIDEW

WHERE’S THE CROSSOVER AT

*when jack says ‘we’ll leave another head for the beast* IS THAT HEAD GONNA BE RALPH OH NOES

*when the remaining boys talk* SAMNERIC PUT ON YO CLOTHES

AND IS THAT A ROOSTER I HEAR

*when ralph and jack battle* OMG THIS IS LIKE STAR WARS INSERT DUEL OF THE FATES OR OTHER BATTLE SONG HERE

*when piggy speaks up* YOU;RE DOING AMAZING SWEETIE

*when roger knocks the rock down* ROGER YOU STUPID NOT-DARK BISH

PIGGY RUN

PIGGYYYYYYYYYYYY

why didn’t they put a shocked face there i know piggy couldn’t see BUT STILL

HE COULD AT LEAST TELL

OMG THAT WAS SO QUICK NOT EVEN TWO FRAMES PIGGY NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

omg poor ralph no ;_;

*when ralph talks to samneric* wow THEY JOINED THE DARK SIDE

*when the savages chase ralph* YOU CAN DO THIS SWEETIE I BELIEVE IN YOU

OH DANG THERE’S SMOKE RALPH RUN

*when the naval officer appears* HE GOT A BEARD COOL

*when percival touches the officer* he  t o u c c

wait the officer and ralph didn’t say ‘hullo’

WHAT IS THIS MUSIC

NO

NOT THIS MUSIC

IT SHOULD BE JUST THE SOUND OF THE WAVES AND RALPH’S QUIET SOBS

NO

IT’S OVER

OKAY

UM

I GIVE THIS A 7.5 OUTTA TEN ONLY BECAUSE OF THE CHANT AND THAT ONE PART AND THE ENDING BUT IT WAS REALLY GOOD

IT’S NO TOM SAWYER 1938 BUT IT’S STILL GOOD

I LIKE IT

GOOD

#livewatch

[justanothercinemaniac]

Epic Movie (Re)Watch #239 - The Muppet Movie

Spoilers Below

Have I seen it before: Yes

Did I like it then: Yes.

Do I remember it: Yes.

Did I see it in theaters: No.

Format: DVD

1) The prologue.

How this film opens - with an assortment of Muppet characters getting together for a private viewing of The Muppet Movie - does well to establish tone. It’s pretty much the filmmakers telling the audience, “You don’t need to take this too seriously, it’s just a fun movie.” It reintroduces us to The Muppets who we know but in a way where this could be someone’s first Muppet film and you understand the role of each character. Not only that, but Kermit’s response to Robin’s question of if this is how the Muppets actually met enhances the meta tone.

Kermit: “Well it’s sort of approximately how it happened.”

2) “Rainbow Connection”

“Rainbow Connection” might be up there with “It’s Not Easy Being Green” as the song most associated with The Muppets, and there’s a reason for it. The song is timeless, fitting in during any era (much like the characters themselves). It is a beautiful, optimistic, and imaginative song that not only sets up Kermit’s character well but the theme of the film. It has that daydreamer element that The Muppets are essentially founded on. If you haven’t heard it before I recommend taking a listen.

3) When I was young I had no idea who all these celebrities were or that they were celebrities. Now that I’m older I can notice them in what I call “Cameo Watch!” Like this first cameo. CAMEO WATCH: Dom Deluise

4) This film has an incredibly sharp wit to it shown through its dialogue, humor, and characters.

Dom Deluise: “I have lost my sense of direction.” Kermit: “Have you tried Harry Krishna?”

5) Kermit the Frog as a character.

Okay, let me just say, it feels really weird to talk about The Muppets as characters. Because it’s hard to think of them as characters being written. They’re The Muppets! They’re Kermit and Fozzie and Ms. Piggy and they just are themselves. This mere challenge speaks wonders to the consistency of writing and performance given by the Muppeteers. Kermit for example: Kermit is totally unselfish. His entire motivation for going to Hollywood isn’t fame/fortune on its own but the opportunity to make, “millions of people happy.” He’s a pretty down to earth, reasonable frog who tags along with a bunch of nut cases and does his best to reign in the insanity. He’s lovable, he’s sharp, he’s funny, he’s Kermit the Frog. I don’t know what else to say.

6) With the film’s budget Jim Henson wanted to really push the limitations of puppeteering. One of the most difficult effects (whose deceptively simple appearance speaks well to the talent of the filmmakers) is Kermit the Frog riding a bike. I don’t even know how they did that.

7) The El Sleazo Cafe is Kermit’s first stop on his road trip/odyssey of sorts. It’s an environment which A) he is not used to and B) kind of is his contrast. Yeah he’s from a dirty swamp but this is a different kind of dirty. This is mean people who like to fight, not Kermit. Seeing this frog out of water creates a nice energy to the scene and a first good stop on the film.

8) Cameo Watch: James Coburn, Madeline Kahn, Telly Salva, Carol Kane and Paul Williams all appear in the El Sleazo scene.

9) I feel like sometimes I’m Kermit.

Kermit [about Fozzie]: “This guy's lost.” Waiter: “Maybe he should try Hare Krishna.” Kermit: “Good grief, it’s a running gag.”

10) Fozzie Bear.

The Costello to Kermit’s Abbott, I struggle to talk about Fozzie in much the same way I did with Kermit. Because what is there to say? He’s a bit of a dork but a funny, good hearted/good natured one. He’s funny, his relationship with Kermit is one of the things that keeps the franchise going as strong as it does, I don’t know what else to say. He’s Fozzie Bear.

11) Something I will say it is a testament to these performers that each Muppet feels so naturally alive. You never look at any of them and think, “That’s a lifeless bit of felt.” Not only do the likes of Jim Henson, Frank Oz, Dave Goelz, and the other Muppeteers do well at creating an individual character but distinguishing characters. These performers are working as multiple characters in a production and while older audiences might recognize the similarities in voices you don’t look at Rowlf the Dog and think, “Yep, that’s Kermit,” or at Miss Piggy and think, “Yep, that’s Fozzie.” They’re legends and it’s no mystery why.

12) Doc Hopper is actually an excellent villain for The Muppets to face off against.

The reason Doc Hopper is so effective is because he’s the total antithesis of The Muppets. He’s a greedy, conniving, insincere, manipulative sellout of a man. His dreams don’t involve making people happy they involve making himself rich and anything he can’t have he’ll destroy. Henson and crew - despite the success of The Muppets - were never doing anything because of the mainstream appeal. They had a ton of bizarre, unique, and wonderful flops under their belts (see: Labyrinth). It’s almost like Doc Hopper represents mainstream showbiz wanting them to sellout and the journey is about staying true to your dream. I love that.

13) “Movin’ Right Along”

There’s not really a bad song in the film (although there is one I really just hate but that doesn’t mean it’s bad per say, more on that later). Although none are as praised as “Rainbow Connection”, “Movin’ Right Along” is an excellent second number. It has the same amount of hope and optimism to it that infects the film, with the idea of progress and moving forward at the heart of it. It’s a great buddy song for Kermit and Fozzie, with the same amount of wit and heart that the film prides itself on.

13.1) I’d be remised if I didn’t mention two of my favorite gags in the film. The fork in the road…

And a very special cameo.

14) Not that he cares, but wouldn’t Doc Hopper using Kermit’s likeness on a billboard without his permission illegal?

15) I’m a sucker for any movie that has a moment where a character reads the script for the movie.

16) “Can You Picture That?”

In my opinion, this could possibly be the most underrated song in the Muppets’ musical canon. It stands up well against “Movin’ Right Along” and “Rainbow Connection” with its energy and positivity. Basically it’s a song about challenging your imagine and even though the lyrics can feel nonsensical that’s sort of the point. It’s about thinking of things, picturing unique things that might not make sense. But just because something doesn’t make sense doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it.

17) And disguising the car worked for a grand total of 7 seconds.

Max [after being told to look out for a frog and a bear in a brown colored Studebaker]: “Gee Doc, all I see are a frog and a bear in a rainbow colored Studebaker.”

18) Gonzo the Great.

It is like each character you meet in this film is increasingly crazy. Kermit, then Fozzie, then Dr. Teeth and his band, and now the personification of Muppet weirdness times ten: Gonzo! Gonzo is fun, funny, insane, and just perfectly random enough to give the group an extra oomph. There’s a chance this weirdo might be my favorite Muppet character! Maybe, maybe not. It’s hard to pick a favorite.

(GIF originally posted by @nostalgicgifs)

19) Cameo Watch: Milton Berle.

20) Cameo Watch: Elliott Gould.

Okay, I thought I remembered all the cameos but I 100% forgot about Gould’s appearance. It actually made me jump.

21) Cameo Watch: Ed Bergen.

This scene was shot shortly before the legendary puppeteer’s death in 1978. His appearance in the movie held particular weight for Jim Henson, as Bergen and his wooden sidekick (Charlie McCarthy) influenced his interest in puppetry. The film is dedicated in Bergen’s memory.

22) I low-key love that Miss Piggy wins a beauty pageant and no one really bats an eye at it. Take that conventional standards of feminine beauty!

23) “Never Before, Never Again”

God I hate this song. I usually skip it. It’s just so awkward and uncomfortable for me to watch, but I think that’s the point. I think it’s supposed to be funny, Frank Oz singing this sweeping love ballad as Miss Piggy. And it taking itself seriously is part of the joke but it is part of that seriousness which makes me hate it. I actually wrote in my notes, “Wake me when it’s over.” I think it’s objectively a good song and good part of the film, I just flat out don’t like it. The one weak link for me in this excellent picture.

24) Wait, is Ms. Piggy meant to be the Yoko Ono of The Muppets in this movie?

25) Cameo Watch: Bob Hope and Richard Pryor both show up at the county fair.

26) The scene where The Muppets chase down Gonzo on his balloons is a fun bit of fast pacing “action” to add to the film. It’s hard for a Muppet movie to have non-musical related set pieces but the balloon chase feels appropriately Muppety while being different enough to add some variety to the story.

27) Miss Piggy.

Miss Piggy is such a larger than life character and perhaps the character with the most to do in the series. She is a diva with aspirations of being famous, but she also knows characters and any time The Muppets need a fight scene they bring in Miss Piggy! As mentioned above, Frank Oz does a great job not only breathing life into the character but making her so different from Fozzie.

28) Cameo Watch: Steven Martin.

Steve Martin might do the most with his cameo. He is an over the top frustrated waiter, something anyone who’s ever worked in food service can relate to. Steve Martin is pretty much great in anything though.

29) The dinner date between Kermit and Miss Piggy is actually really nice, makes me understand why they date.

30) Rowlf the Dog.

Possibly the most interesting thing about Rowlf is how people have noted his personality matches Jim Henson’s the closest out of all of Henson’s characters. In recognition of this, Rowl didn’t speak in his film appearances for a while after Henson passed away. He’s a fun character already, but I think this detail adds a nice layer of heart to it.

31) “I Hope That Something Better Comes Along”

In typical Muppet fashion, something as relatable and common as heartache is turned into an upbeat bar tune. It’s one of the nicest songs in the film and a real ear worm. It is also essentially Jim Henson singing with himself so take a moment to let that set in.

32) Cameo Watch: Mel Brooks.

Okay, Mel Brooks might do the most with HIS cameo. Brooks commits to the comedy and insanity of the performance just as he would in any of his own films (Blazing Saddles, Spaceballs) and it really adds a shot of energy to the scene. Brooks is so active, he does so many little things to add to his character/performance/comedy. I wonder how much of it was improv.

33) So I feel like the filmmakers didn’t know how to get from Miss Piggy ditching Kermit for a gig to Miss Piggy rejoining the group on the road, so they literally decided to stop the movie and let the audience breathe for a moment. I love that.

34) “I’m Going To Go Back There Someday”

This is such a beautiful and bittersweet melody. It comes at the film’s low point, when the group thinks their dreams are done for. But the song is just so lovely it makes my heart warm. The lyrics are wonderful and I think it’s an amazing ballad. I love it.

35) Life lessons from Kermit the Frog.

Kermit: “I can’t spend my whole life running away from a bully.”

36) Oh quick, the film is almost over! Let’s get Bunsen and Beaker in at the end!

37) Kermit’s heartfelt plea, of choosing happiness over money and finding family/friends, is great. But Doc Hopper’s response to it is so sad.

Kermit: “If what I'm saying doesn't make any sense, well then... go ahead and kill me.” Doc Hopper [after a moment to think, reluctantly]: “All right boys. Kill him.”

38) Deus Ex Animal.

39) Cameo Watch: Cloris Leachmen.

40) Cameo Watch: Orson Welles.

Welles’ character’s name Lew Lord is actually a reference to real-life Producer Sir Lew Grade. When Jim Henson was trying to find a producer to make The Muppet Show, no American network was interested in the concept. Grade recognized the potential in the idea and helped make the show happen.

41) Ah, if only it were this easy.

Lew Lord: “Prepare the standard ‘Rich & Famous’ contract.”

42) The finale of this film, “Magic Store,” is a fun final number. It shows The Muppets have made it, they’re doing what they love. It’s the culmination of everything up to this point and even when things don’t go as they plan they’ll roll with it. And we’re given a great final message.

Kermit: “Life’s like a movie, write your own ending…” Muppets: “Keep believing, keep pretending; we've done just what we've set out to do, thanks to the lovers, the dreamers, and you!”

The Muppet Movie might still very well be the best film to feature the classic characters. It has their trademark heart, humor, and imagination all in top form. You can watch it at any time, it ages very well. So whether it’s your first or last time putting it in, I’d say give The Muppet Movie a watch.

#The Muppet Movie #The Muppets #Kermit the Frog #Jim Henson #Ms Piggy #Epic Movie (Re)Watch #The More You Know #Movie #Film #GIF

[teamkaiforever]

BIRDS AND BEES

(requested by anon) Kai Parker x Reader word count : 3 597 summary : Kai and Reader’s five year old daughter has a couple of questions , making both her parents freak out a little. note : (to the anon who requested it) not sure if thats what you wanted but i hope you like it ☺❤ * gif by shelleyhening ________________________ Kai turned to his side in his sleep reaching his hand for his wife. It had been six years since they had become a couple and a little over five years since their baby daughter had been born. When Y/N and Kai had first met they hadn’t been friends at all , in fact they had barely been able to stand each other. Always teasing and finding a way to annoy the other until one night at the Grill not too long after the merge when some guy had tried to put his hands on Y/N without her consent and Kai had intervened. After that things between them had changed completely and they had finally seen the truth , realising they love each other.    "D-daddy !“ giggled their daughter. “You are tickling me !”    "Wh-what ?“ he said sleepily , slowly opening his eyes. “What are you doing here sweetheart ? When did you get here?”    "I had a nightmare.“ mumbled the little girl almost jumping on top of him. Grace’s small hands wrapped around his neck , dragging along her favourite stuffed toy. “There was a monster under my bed and it came out and tried to hurt us.”    "Awwh princess.“ he said softly wrapping his arms around her. “It was just a dream. You know daddy would never let anything happen to you or mom. I love you both so much and I will always protect you both , no matter what.” Grace sighed looking at her dad while holding Mr. Pebbles , her stuffed bear which she took with her literally everywhere. Kai and Y/N had gotten it the day their baby girl had been born. They had been in the toy store when Grace decided it’s time for her to show up and brighten up her parents life. His little girl looked so sad and scared he had to do something to cheer her up and since it was a little too early for cookies or her favourite chocolate chip pancakes , he went with the next best thing he could think of.    "Bop.“ he said tapping her nose, seeing her smile for a second. "Bop , bop.”    "Daddy -“ she laughed when he started poking her stomach and tickling her. ”- stop.“    "You know , laughter scares the monsters away. So if you laugh instead of being scared , the monsters won’t ever get you.”    "Really ?“    "Yes and Mr. Pebbles - ” he said , seating her stuffed bear in between them “ - is a superhero. He is here to protect you too.” Kai hid his face behind the bear and took his paw , blowing a kiss to Grace while changing his voice.    "That is true. I will protect my Y/N always and forever.“    "See , told you.” Grace started laughing , taking Mr. Pebbles from her dad’s arms and hugging him tight while Kai hugged her. He loved listening to her laugh. It was one of his most favourite sounds in the world - along with her mother’s laugh and both their heart beats. Those sounds always gave him hope and he knew as long as he has them - everything will be perfect.    "I love love love you princess.“ he said kissing her cheek. Y/N stirred in her sleep hearing laughter around her , unable to separate it from her dream for a moment. Then the sounds became clearer as she started to wake up. Slowly Y/N opened one of her eyes at first , taking a peek. Their daughter was almost sitting on Kai’s chest with her tiny hands on his cheeks pushing them together while he made funny faces to make her laugh. Grace’s laugh was everything - echoing in the house every minute of every day , never letting sadness or even the hint of it creep inside. Their little girl had become their own personal sun since the moment she had been born and there were no words to describe how much she and her dad loved her.    "Are you having a hugging party in the middle of the night without me ?” laughed Y/N, snuggling closer to the two most important people in her life. “Because if so - ” Kai blew his cheeks , bringing his eyes together for a second watching his little girl laugh even louder when he started tickling her and his arms wrapped around her tight. He laughed and Grace rolled onto the bed between her parents. Y/N kissed her cheek and wrapped her arms around her at the same time he wrapped his arms around them from the other side and they all cuddled together. Her dad kept tapping Grace’s nose , tickling her and his wife for a while until Grace somehow fell asleep between them.    "I love watching you like this. Daddy and daddy’s little girl.“ whispered Y/N , intertwining her fingers with her husbands. "Can’t believe what a big goofball you have turned into.”    "I can’t help it.“ he whispered back. "Grace brings out my goofball side even more than you. Remember that time we were at the Salvatore’s when you didn’t like me yet , or you liked me and acted like you didn’t -”    "Kai - “    ” - and you were supposed to watch me for a few hours and I kept following you around the house until you smashed that piece of pie on my face just to get me to stop following you ?“    "I remember it the other way around. You were the one who smashed pie in my face.”    "Well , yeah , but only after you smashed a piece in mine.“    "That never happened.” she laughed.    "I have the shirt to prove it.“ Y/N’s expression froze on the spot. "Wait , you still keep the shirt I stained that day — stained ? Oh God –”    "You are going to yell at me aren’t you?“ he whispered. "Look , its an important shirt. That was the first time you actually laughed at something I did. Now that I think back , maybe that was the exact moment I fell for you. How am I not going to keep the shirt ?! Wait — w-where are you going ?” Carefully Y/N slipped off the bed with Kai’s eyes following her around the room. He watched her kneel down to open the last drawer of the dresser , searching for something in there. About 6 years ago , not too long before the moment at the Grill that changed both their lives , Damon had almost forced her to keep an eye on Kai while he goes to talk to Bonnie in an attempt to get her to forgive Kai. Her husband kept following her around the house , making jokes and trying to get her to laugh while checking out every single thing in the living room and annoying her off the charts. A couple of hours later Y/N had gotten hungry and had gone to the kitchen thinking that maybe she had ditched Kai somewhere on the way. Her fingers had gotten some frosting on them while cutting the pie and he had grabbed her hand , licking her fingers clean. Instead of slapping him , she had smashed her piece with pie in his face. Until that day she could still see Kai’s startled expression seconds before a piece of pie got smashed in her face and they had both started laughing. When Damon had come back , both Kai and Y/N had had pie stains on their shirts and neither of them appeared to care much or wanted to explain what had happened.    "Y/N ?“ he whispered. When Y/N didn’t answer he glanced at Grace curled up with Mr. Pebbles on their bed , pulled the covers over her and got off the bed. His wife appeared to be so lost in her thoughts she didn’t even hear him walk behind her until his arms wrapped around her as he knelt on the ground , nearly scaring her to death.    "What are you looking for?” he whispered. “Sorry, I thought you heard me coming.”    "I am a witch not a vampire , remember ?“ she teased , reaching her hand to the back of the drawer pulling out a blue plastic bag. A smile spread across her face and she glanced at Kai who already had a suspicion as to what was inside.    "You kept yours too ? And you never told me ?”    "I guess we are more in sync than any of us thought.“ she smiled at him. "Why do I think I love coconut cream pie so much ? I always hated it until -”    ”- I smashed it on your face.“ he laughed. “You remember what I did after that?” Y/N turned towards him licking his cheek , just like he had that day except back then there had been frosting there. Kai’s arms wrapped tighter around her and he knocked her onto the ground with him on top.    "I claimed you as mine back then and now - “ he whispered smiling while trying not to wake up their daughter. ” - I can’t imagine where I’d be without you or Grace in my life.“    "There would’ve been someone else you would’ve fallen for - ”    "No.“ he said serious. "No , there never would’ve been anyone else. It’s you and only you and it was only ever going to be you.” Y/N smiled at him pulling him down for a kiss. Six whole years together and Kai still took her breath away every single minute of every single day. That has never changed and it was never going to change.    "It was only ever going to be you too.“ she whispered gazing into his eyes. _________     "Daddy , can I get a ride ?” said Grace jumping up and down on the bed , making the feathers from one of the ripped pillows on the floor float in the air. “Please please -”    "Of course baby girl.“ Kai laughed , walking to the bed turning his back towards her. Grace hooked her hands around his neck and her legs around him with his help. Mr. Pebbles was lucky enough to get a piggy back ride downstairs too and Y/N couldn’t resist taking a picture of them laughing. Her dad let her sit on one of the chairs and started on the pancakes.    "You are spoiling her.” she said wrapping her arms around him from behind. “What about me ?”    "Awwh is someone jealous ?“ he turned towards her with an amused look on his face. "You do know you can get a ride whenever you want right ?” Y/N shot him a warning glance and started laughing, glancing at their daughter while pouring herself a cup with coffee. Grace was sitting on the table playing with Mr. Pebbles – and by the looks if it they were having a tea party. It was absolutely incredible how big their baby girl’s imagination was. Sometimes she’d play all by herself for hours , doing puzzles or just having tea parties with all her toys.    "Emily said that she is going to have a sister to play with soon.“ said Grace , looking up at her parents. "Can I get a sister too ?” Y/N and Kai glanced at each other for a second while he kept flipping chocolate chip pancakes in the air. How do you explain a five year old that technically her father is not exactly alive and even if they wanted to - there was no way for her to have a brother or a sister. Their daughter was just starting to show her magical powers. That was hard enough to explain to her — and her kinder garden teachers. A couple of days ago , a kid had tried to take Mr. Pebbles from her hands and Grace had somehow managed to send the kid flying across the playground. Kid had been fine , only a little startled but the teachers who had been watching them had to have their memories modified. Not to mention the floating in the air pencils or how Grace had somehow made her drawings move. Even Kai had hard time understanding how she had done that.    "Um … We um – “ said Kai glancing at his wife shaking his head in confusion.    "Some day maybe.” said Y/N smiling as she knelt on the ground next to their daughter. “We are just not ready to have a baby again just yet.”    "Mommy ? How do you make a baby ?“ asked the little girl. Y/N nearly dropped her coffee cup on the ground. Kai looked just as startled at her wondering what they are going to tell her. Surely kids her age start being curious but you can’t exactly explain them how mommy and daddy do all those naughty things and that’s how a bundle of joy shows up on this world.    "We are dead.” whispered Kai quietly in Y/N’s ear. “What do we do ? What do we do ?”    "Grab the peanut butter and jelly. I’ll think of something.“ she whispered back , failing in her attempt not to panic like Kai obviously had. Y/N tried to think back to the time her parents had that talk with her. Wait - had they had it or had it been more like learn as you go process ? A sigh left her lips and she kept smiling at Grace. Damn it. she thought. In that moment she regretted not having that talk with her parents, though considering how awkward she felt in that moment maybe it had been best that she hadn’t. Kai quickly made Grace’s favourite PB&J sandwich , cutting out the crusts just like their daughter loved it and cutting it in two halves right after. Y/N rubbed her forehead with her thumb and index finger finishing on the pancakes as her mind kept spinning trying to find the answer.    "C-can I borrow your phone?”  whispered Y/N , not taking her eyes off their daughter.    "What for ?“ whispered Kai.    "Just — give it.” A sigh left his lips and he gave her his phone while playing with Grace to distract her. Their baby girl took a small bite from her PB&J , watching her dad with wide curious eyes , glowing like never before. Grace had the same blue eyes as him , except in every other aspect she was like her mother. Smart , perceptive and really really curious about things.    "Can you have a baby now?“ she asked , her dad wiping some jelly off her chin with his thumb. Kai could hear his wife’s heart race increasing while trying hard to figure out what they are going to tell their daughter. He glanced at Y/N , almost able to see her mind churning and a smile spread across her face for a second when he reached for the crusts of the sandwich. Thank you Google. she thought , glancing at Kai who was eating the crusts of the PB&J was one of the most adorable things ever. Somehow he always managed to get jam on his chin — and his fingers. Even after all those years he kept eating it as a finger food and there was no changing his mind about it.    "Well , it takes months for a baby to grow from a seed from daddy and an egg from mommy joined together in a very special place called ‘womb’.That’s where the baby grows for 9 months before coming to this world.” said Y/N trying to look calm while her heart was trying to fight her way out of her chest. Kai wrapped his arms around her from behind , smiling at Grace who seemed a bit more interested in her PB&J now than in how to make babies. “So we can’t have a baby right now…”    "Where are you going with this?“ he whispered.    "I have no idea. You try it if you think its so easy.” she whispered back.    "Um no.“    "Sure , now you don’t want to -”    "Where do you get the seeds and the eggs ?“    "Your turn.” said Y/N taking a step away to get some pancakes. “What ?” Kai sighed. “There is this special place in both mommy and daddy’s bodies and when mommy and daddy love each other very very much , they um — play a game and the rest happens as if by magic.” Y/N closed her eyes unsure if she should laugh or glare at him. Technically the night they had made Grace they had played a game. Kai loved playing hide and seek with her and what they had done afterwards had been so magical , it was quite possible things had happened by magic.    "Magic ?“ their daughter’s eyes lit up.    "Yeah , it’s a very special , very magical game that mommy and daddy play -”    "What kind of a game ?“ asked Grace taking another bite from her PB&J. Y/N slipped down the kitchen counter almost chocking on her pancakes. Kai turned towards her and almost grinned at her shocked face. He was just about to toss the ball back to her when the phone rang from the other room.    "I um – I’ll go get that.” she muttered leaving Kai to explain the ‘game’  to their daughter. Kai tried to protest but it was too late - Y/N was already in the next room. How was he going to explain that to her ? There really wasn’t a way , not at this age anyways. He sighed , got his daughter her favourite pancakes and sat on the chair next to her.    "It’s a special game you will figure out when you get older. Much older.“ he smiled at her. "C'mon , open your mouth. You will need lots of energy to play with your cousins.” A couple of minutes later Grace ran out of the kitchen and Kai leaned against the door frame watching his wife talk on the phone with Caroline about the play date with his sister’s twinsies. Y/N turned around finding him there checking her out head to toe and he innocently pointed down at his boxers taking a slow step towards her.    "Yeah so when are you coming to get her ? Ah-uh – “ she tried to focus but could barely utter a word.    "Come on Y/N , lets play a game.” he pressed his lips against hers. “Lets go upstairs and make heretic babies - ”   ‘No.’ she mouthed. “Yeah , I’ll tell her. Oh-kay , bye.” Kai snatched her phone from her hands , tossing it on the couch near by while slowly backing her against the wall. His eyes were fixed on hers while his hands snaked from her waist to her ass pulling her towards him. He bit his lip leaning in closer to her , noticing how her heart rate had increased dangerously.    "Fifteen minutes.“ she whispered. "Hold on for fifteen minutes until Caroline comes to pick up Grace for the play date at the Boarding School… and Kai , you know we can’t actually – you know.”    "What if we can?“ he thought out loud. "You saw Grace’s face - she wants a sibling and there is Klaus… What if we have the same loophole ? I am part witch , you are a witch - ”    "I am all in for another kid -“ she said watching Kai’s eyes lit up.” - but if we had that loophole , don’t you think we would’ve found out by now?“ Kai sighed. Thought had crossed his mind but right now he was even more determined to find out if maybe things could work out in their favour. There was a chance , however small and as always he wanted to give his little girl what she wanted. He couldn’t help but always wanting her to have everything.    "You want this , I want this and Grace – I think she wants it more than both of us together. Did you see her eyes when she asked?”    "Yeah , I did. They were literally glowing.“    "Yes ! They were brighter than the sun - ” he smiled taking a step back a few seconds before Grace ran downstairs jumping directly into Y/N’s arms.    "When are Lizzy and Josie coming ?“ asked their little daughter.    "In 10 minutes. Come on , let’s go get you ready.” replied Y/N kissing her cheek. Kai watched the two most important people walk upstairs and a smile spread across his face. He still couldn’t believe how lucky he had been to have not one but two people in his life who love him unconditionally and except every part of him. Not too long after that , Caroline showed up almost at the same time Y/N and Grace got downstairs. Kai hugged his little girl , making Caroline promise to take good care of his daughter during the day or else. Surprisingly after Kai and Y/N had gotten married and their daughter had been brought into the world , her friends had finally started seeing good in him. He wrapped his arms around his wife while both of them watched Caroline drive down the street for a few moments. As soon as they walked inside and the front door closed , Kai placed his hands on either side of her head pressing his body against hers from behind. They were going to have the entire day all to themselves and he could barely wait. With Grace in the house they couldn’t really do what they wanted to do and now-    "Come on Y/N.“ he whispered in her ear , his breath tickling her skin. "Let’s play hide and seek. You hide , I’ll seek.”    "Five minute head start ?“    "You can have 10 , I will still find you in 15 seconds.” he grinned , placing a wet kiss on her neck. “Go -” Kai closed her eyes do he doesn’t see where she goes , listening to her footsteps going away and above. No , bellow. What would she be doing hiding in the wine cellar? He waited , listening in to her walking , semi running and a few moments later he heard her whisper.    "Come and get me.“ MASTERLIST - SMUT MASTERLIST - FLUFF

#kai parker #malachai parker #the vampire diaries #tvd #kai parker x reader #kai parker imagine #malachai parker x reader #tvd imagine #malachai parker imagine #the vampire diaries imagine #tvd fluff #the vampire diaries fluff #kai parker fluff #malachai tvd #malachai imagine #fanfic : mine #fiction #fan fiction #fanfiction #fanfic #fan fic #kai!fluff

[hallelujuh]

hello yes i just finished lord of the flies (and then watched the 1963 movie immediately afterwards) & i rlly luv piggy so im gonna yell abt Just Piggy Things™ even if no one cares

piggy’s the first character we’re introduced to, after ralph ofc, so that means we’re supposed to get attached, and boy did i get attached..

ass-mar

the fact that he’s been called mean nicknames so long that his real name doesnt matter to him?? he doesnt care what hes called?? poor thing wtf??? hes like eleven hes too little for this

the Flashing Anime Glasses. especially the one w the fire when he starts laughing maniacally. same.

im talking about: “then he laughed so strangely that they were hushed, looking at the flash of his spectacles in astonishment.”

also: “’i got the conch,’ said piggy, in a hurt voice. ‘i got a right to speak.’” let him speak hes the only damn reasonable one. also stop hurting him hes been hurt enough goddamnit 

k but how much he loves ralph? and ralph is annoyed by him??? but then later he confides in him & cries over him & their friendship is my fav in the book so. they bond it just takes a while. but piggy was always good to ralph awe

“i was with him when he found the conch. i was with him before anyone else was.” he finally made a friend dont u take him from him ;-;

k speaking of the conch, in the first movie, his laugh when ralph’s blowing the horn for the first time??? aw??? a rare moment of joy in that sad ass movie?? 

‘63!film piggy is the sweetest & cutest i lob him. ‘90!film piggy was annoying as shit tho i refuse to talk about him.

in the ‘63!film when he puts his hands on his hips when jack says “shut up fatty” and then hides behind the tree when they all laugh at him.

god in the book it’s easy to forget theyre actual babies but with the movie u cant possibly forget and theyre so cute but defenseless it’s so sad

i kno these actors r like 70 or dead now but i wanna go back in time & give them a hug. especially piggy cuz hes a pouty chubby bub gOD IM SO SAD

one last note on the film before i get back to the book: the movie rlly encompassed how awkward i imagined piggy to be & i luv that. also his story time abt camberly was adorable + educational (for me, anyway)

how hurt he is when ralph tells the other boys his name, poor thing ugh :(

“’let him have the conch!’ shouted piggy. ‘let him have it!’” yes stand up for poor lil mulberry child

“piggy knelt by him, one hand on the great shell, listening and interpreting to the assembly.” hes so fuckin sweet??? hes like the mom of the island hes so nice to the littluns i luv him

and when he gets upset over the mulberry boy probably bein killed in the fire :’( hes the most sensible and the most empathetic of all the other boys. what a cinnamon roll. unproblematic fav. true neutral. 10/10. the best boy.

my second favorite line in the whole book: “then, with the martyred expression of a parent who has to keep up with the senseless ebullience of the children, he picked up the conch, turned toward the forest, and began to pick his way over the tumbled scar.” tired mama piggy lmao

he wants to make a sundial?? hes so smart aw

piggy thinking ralph’s patronizing smile was a friendly one :( :( he just wants a friendddd hes so naive & sweet im sadddd

i think it’s implied most of the other boys (particularly the choir boys & ralph) are from a nicer, more upper class part of england, &, despite his intelligence, piggy’s more lower class, judging by his cockney-esque accent (his use of ‘them’ instead of ‘those’, etc.) and also “piggy was an outsider, not only by accent, which did not matter…” idk why this is cute i dunno

“piggy arrived, out of breath and whimpering like a littlun.” me in pe. but also poor thing ;-;

“piggy sniveled and simon shushed him as though he had spoken too loudly in church.” i interpreted shushed as, like, consoled, more than, like, ‘quit crying, ya baby’, which was more what he was doing, but still…first of many cute piggy & simon interactions. i’d ship them but theyre like twelve so nah. but they cute as buddies

“this was too bitter for piggy, who forgot his timidity in the agony of his loss. he began to cry out, shrilly: ‘you and your blood, jack merridew! you and your hunting! we might have gone home-’” this hurts because if jack hadn’t gone hunting, they may have been rescued before simon or piggy died :( :( :( horrible vague foreshadowing

simon getting piggy’s glasses for him when jack throws em ;-;

simon giving his piece of meat (not a euphemism, goddamnit) to piggy.. god simons so sweet hes my second fav

“only, decided ralph as he faced the chief’s seat, i can’t think. not like piggy…he could go step by step inside that fat head of his, only piggy was no chief. but piggy, for all his ludicrous body, had brains.” why does ralph resent piggy sm. it’s like it psychically hurts him to compliment him, even just in his own head. jeez. just cuz someones fat doesnt mean they cant be smart?? the 50s were weird

“piggy came and stood outside the triangle. this indicated that he wished to listen, but would not speak; and piggy intended it as a gesture of disapproval.” aka ‘i’m mad at everyone so im gonna stand two feet away & glare at you all’ aw haha

when he tiptoes onto the triangle cuz hes done w his protesting ahaha aw

“piggy held out his hands for the conch but ralph shook his head.” idk i thought the mental image was cute. “gimme pls” “nuh uh”

what he says about the beast & life being scientific…me & piggy would be buds if he was real lmao

“ralph nodded to piggy. ‘go on. ask him.’ piggy knelt, holding the conch. ‘now then. what’s your name?’ the small boy twisted away into his tent. piggy turned helplessly to ralph..” honestly piggy & ralph are the mom & dad of the colony (jack being the asshole uncle) it’s so cute

“’that’s a clever beast,’ said piggy, jeering, ‘if it can hide on this island.’” sarcastic piggy is sarcastic

more sarcastic piggy earlier in the book: “you got your small fire all right” i lob him

indignant & shrill piggy… and his quote: “’what are we? humans? or animals? or savages?’” honestly lowkey want that tattooed

i fuckin hate jalph but admittedly jack’s jealous lil “’that’s right–favor piggy as you always do.’” is salty & gay lmao

the whole three blind mice convo…i luv

particular highlight in that scene: “’i’m scared of him,’ said piggy, ‘and that’s why i know him. if you’re scared of someone you hate him but you can’t stop thinking about him. you kid yourself he’s all right really, an’ then when you see him again; it’s like asthma an’ you can’t breathe. i tell you what. he hates you too, ralph—’” POOR BABYYY 

also “’i know about people. i know about me. and him. he can’t hurt you: but if you stand out of the way he’d hurt the next thing. and that’s me.” IN THE END ROGER’S THE ONE WHO HURTS HIM UGH :(

“’keep piggy out of danger.’” YOU ASSHOLES LET HIM DIE

piggy holding his breath until his asthma acts up & then the boys just leave him??? what dicks

“jack cleared his throat and spoke in a queer, tight voice. ‘we mustn’t let anything happen to piggy, must we?’” AND THEN YOU LET HIM D I E U SALTY BITCH QUIT IT

“piggy put on his one glass and looked at ralph. ‘now you done it. you been rude about his hunters.’ ‘oh shut up!’” why dont more ppl ship them?? compared to jalph theres nothing??? theyre like a married couple it’s precious. like i said - mom & dad of the island.

piggy getting braver & being more of a leader once jack leaves!!! im proud of him!!

“he [simon] sought for help and sympathy and chose piggy” k the two most humane & sympathetic kids on the island, and the two doomed ones, gravitate towards each other & look out for each other & it so sadd

piggy being “so full of pride in his contribution to the good of society” he didnt deserve his fate he was so good im so sad

samneric & piggy making a little mini feast for them?? thats so cute??? 

also “piggy broke into noisy laughter and took more fruit. ‘he might be.’ he gulped his mouthful. ‘he’s cracked’.” piggy u get teased for bein different why would u tease simon (behind his back too) for bein diffrent u hypocrite. noisy laughter tho aw

piggy & ralph laying by the fire & talking…ralph didnt deserve piggy honestly he wasnt even grateful until the very end for such a good friend in such a horrible situation??? ugh

“when he understood how far ralph had gone toward accepting him he flushed pinkly with pride” see? good friendship. piggy just wanted a friend & to be considered valuable. and ralph finally started appreciating him

“piggy took off his glasses, stepped primly into the water, and then put them on again.” prim: stiffly formal and respectable; feeling or showing disapproval of anything regarded as improper. idk why this is funny to me

when he gets annoyed and starts slapping the water & yelling. temper tatrum lmao. dont blame him

“piggy stirred the sand under water and did not look at ralph. ‘p’raps we ought to go too.’ ralph looked at him quickly and piggy blushed. ‘i mean–to make sure nothing happens.’ ralph squirted water again.” they’re so fuckINGN CUTE

“piggy touched ralph’s wrist. ‘come away. there’s going to be trouble. and we’ve had our meat.’“ SO MUCH OF THIS STORY WOULDVE BEEN AVOIDED IF THE OTHER BOYS ACTUALLY LISTENED TO PIGGY

“ralph sat down in the grass facing the chief’s seat and the conch. piggy knelt at his left, and for a long minute there was silence.” i luv their dynamic sm. ruler & adviser. no questions asked. ultimate loyalty. so good.

piggy trying to be all rational about simon while ralph freaks out…what a scene. also i luv how awkward their convo w samneric immediately after is

piggy wants to be rescued most and hes the one whos killed!!!! bullshit!!!! justice for piggy!!!

when ralph says piggy should write a letter to his auntie & he takes it serious & ralph laughs & piggy doesnt get it. awe.

the scene where they take his glasses ;-; u made my boi piggy hav an ass-mar attack u monsters,

PIGGY GETTIN ALL BADASS & DETERMINED & TALKING ABOUT WHAT HES GONNA TELL JACK 

“he held out the conch to piggy who flushed, this time with pride” and then “piggy sought in his mind for words to convey his passionate willingness to carry the conch against all odds.” the conch is the only constant on the island, the only dependable thing he has besides ralph, so hes so invested in it, hes pretty much deemed himself the caretaker of the conch, and it dies with him…

the scene where piggy reassures ralph & it says “the twins were examining ralph curiously, as though they were seeing him for the first time” is probably my fav scene in the entire book…it just really shows, in a couple of lines, the characters that ralph & piggy are, and what their relationship is like, and why they’re a partnership throughout the whole book. fantastic.

“’am i safe?’ quavered piggy. ‘i feel awful–’” fuckin foreshadowing, i hate it. imagine being practically blind on a cliff and then, minutes later, falling to your death. god it’s terrible.

piggy crying for ralph not to leave him actually hurts like psychically in my chest. him and simon were babies??? i know it’s fiction but kids are the sweetest things, not even fictional kids deserve to be killed so mercilessly??? im so fuckin sad

his last words…powerful and iconic.

i dont wanna talk about his death. im very sad

k ik it’s terrible but when he died his skull cracked open & his brain more or less fell out (”and stuff came out”, “with his empty head”), and thats p macabre but it’s also symbolic and genius bc when roger killed him he also took away the only thing he had going for him, the only thing that gave him superiority over the others - his intelligence. his brain. 

of course, have to end on: “ralph wept for the end of innocence, the darkness of man’s heart, and the fall through the air of the true, wise friend called piggy.” cue me shutting the book, hugging it to my chest, and sobbing

#lotf #books #sorry i just. im rlly emotional & i rlly luv piggy #txt

[winstonhcomedy]

“Dope A-F”- 2/4 - 2/10 - “30 Comics Walk Into a Bar”

I’m behind. I got to get back on track and try to run these tasty little shows down. We had some hot and dope ones! So let’s get to it. 

2/4

This was the Southern. My favorite show of the week. I get there early to set up. I had to miss last week due to booked shows so I am stoked to see everybody. It is just such a relaxing night, and a great hang. 

After setting up the PA and taking down the chairs other comics start to show up. As the sign up list starts to fill it becomes abundantly clear how many new comics are starting in the scene. By the time sign up is done we have 30 comics on the list and I don’t know half of them. As I’ve stated in previous blog posts this is a good problem to have. 

The only thing that is kind of lame is with so many comics we get less stage time. I remember a year ago when at The Southern open mic I used to be able to do 10 to 20 minutes depending on the night. I definitely miss those nights from my first few years doing comedy, but with more comics we get more shows, and bigger shows, and better shows. So it is a tradeoff I am happy to make. 

Chris starts the show and the audience is dope.We have so many comics he decides to “piggy-back” the show (the comic on stage brings up the next comic). The audience is super into it and they want to laugh. A couple comics go up and do pretty well. Then this new comic goes up and is absolutely horrendous. He is telling a story that has no punchlines, he has horrible delivery, and is just being rude to the audience. Now he’s a new comic so this alone isn’t a huge deal. It sucks, but it isn’t the end of the world. The worst part is he is running the light. Everyone is only getting 4 minutes because of how many comics are on the show and he is disrespecting that. Multiple people are waving the light at him and Chris eventually yells from off stage, “you're done get off the stage.” The guy keeps trying to finish and Chris won’t let him. He finally brings Paige on stage and slinks off.

I look over and see Chris really getting on this guy for disrespecting the show and the other comics. Just blatantly ignoring the light your first time is a huge no-no. Also he just had a screw you attitutde and kept calling an audience member, “young mike pence.” Like he did it like 10 times to absolutely no laughter. One of the cringiest sets I've seen.

Paige goes up and has a hot one. This dude could have buried him with his shit-ass set but he didn’t. Paige really got this new trans chunk to work. It is really clicking. Super proud to see this stuff come together. He had a hot one and got the show back on track. 

Kristina Montouri went up next and then it was my turn. I had a super fun set. I got to work out some stuff, and a tally got some good video. I feel like I had one of the better sets of the night. The best part is I finally figured out how to deliver my Trump is the 16th worst president bit. I also add another bit to the end that I could never get to work a couple of years ago. It fits perfectly in this joke and I get the best response with it I have ever gotten. I’d give my set a B+. I needed to figure that joke out.

I was stoked I got to go so early on this show. I love going early on these shows with a ton of comics. It means I get to hang out, and just shoot the shit with my friends. I get to enjoy other people’s sets without having to have anxiety about when I am about to go up. 

Overall the rest of the show goes well. I stick around until the end. I help clean up like usual and hang for a bit before heading home. All in all it was a super great Monday night. 

2/5

I have two shows in DC. Both at the Bier Baron. Upstairs at Bier Baron is the Capitol Laughs open mic, and downstairs is pass the mic put on by Comedy Block. 

I head up to DC and get there a little early. I decide to trying film scenes for the next episode of Lunch Boiyz. I head to Tiki Taco. Which is a dope late night taco spot near the venue. 

I get some jerk chicken tacos, and absolutely devour them. They were so good. I get some good clips, but I don’t know when I will get to finish the episode. It’s a lot of editing and I have a hard time finding the energy to finish them. It’s hard enough to keep up with a blog, do shows, work my job, book shows, have a podcast, edit sets together, and stuff like that. I need to make more time. 

I head over to Bier Baron and get ready for the shows. My buddy TJ is hosting downstairs and Phil Mike is hosting upstairs. I get to catch up with some comics I haven’t seen in a while and I get to go relatively early on both shows so I am pretty excited. 

I go upstairs and I get to shoot the shit with Benjy Himmelfarb, Michael Sommers, and Ross Benoit amongst others.  I am going up third so I head into the room. It is a small/intimate but energetic group. The first few comics do pretty well. The dude before me has his mic cut out so he just starts yelling. The joke goes over great and the crowd is super into it. 

I go up and say that the last set proves to me that, “the only difference between a comedian and a crazy homeless person is a microphone.” I yell and riff about tit a little bit and get them on my side. I am only doing four minutes so I go into a couple bits and have a pretty hot set. I feel great about it. I’d give it a B/B+.

I then head downstairs and find out that I am next. The crowd down here is also intimate, but just like upstairs they are in the mood for comedy. Natalie McGill and Tim Miller go before me and they absolutely murder. Both are super good comics so I know I have to bring it. Tim has a super funny bit about spelling the word silhouette. Super dope stuff.

I go up next and really connect with the crowd. The jokes are hitting and I’m really connecting. I get some pretty good video from this one. The best part is I did my Trump/race joke again but this time it was in front of a mostly black crowd. This is important to do with jokes like this. If you can’t do a race joke in front of the race it features then you shouldn’t do that joke at all. My set goes well and I’d give it a B/B+ as well. I dip out immediately after my set. I say my goodbyes and walk back to my car then head home. I listen to my sets, and hear some new areas I can take my jokes. This was a dope Tuesday. 

2/6

I have to go back to DC for The Upper Crust which is a comedy show in the upstairs bar of Dangerously Delicious Pies. I am super stoked on this because I love comedy and I love pie. 

I get up here and start to kind of panic about parking. I find a spot and just sit in my car for like 40 minutes waiting to pay to park. I do this sometimes since a lot of parking has like a two hour limit, and I get to shows super early.

I go inside and head upstairs to the bar. It is a super dope setup. Like a tight stage/backdrop. It is a long narrow room with low enough ceilings that I think this is going to be a super fun show 

The host Ben Daniels shows up. I get a ticket for a free piece of pie and I get the French Toast pie. Which is A buttermilk pie with a slated caramel glaze on top. It was absolutely delicious. This show didn’t have a huge audience by any means. I would say that before I went on we had about 8 or 9 people not counting the few comics who were there. 

Ben and I catch up and talk about what is going on in each scene. Kevin Skiffington shows up and we shoot the breeze a bit as well. We joke around and I film some more scene for Lunch Boiyz.

Ben starts the show and gets the small group of people to pay attention. They never get super hooked, and I really want to try to do my best to win them over. They want to laugh, they just feel al little weird because of the intimacy of the show. 

I go up and immediately ditch my material. I heard someone say something about Hall and Oates when I walked to the stage so I focused on that. I did some very Hall and Oates centric crowd work. We talked about 80s music and how good the pie was. I mostly just stuck to the crowd work until I had them hooked. After that I did a couple jokes. I got a good response on everything and felt like I really opened them up. I’d give my set a B.

After my set I said my goodbye’s and thank yous. I then headed downstairs and bought a chocolate chess pie and a cherry pie. I loaded up my car and headed back home. I checked the time and realized I had time to get back to Richmond and get two more mics in. 

I hit up Jacob McFadden at Home Sweet Home and he put me up late. So I drive as fast as I legally can. I get there and find out I'm going up in a few spots. I tell myself I'm not going to have a mental breakdown this time. I am just going to try new stuff and have fun. There is like no one upstairs except for a few new comics who are going up, and a couple people there to see a friend. I take it upon myself to try a new bit about the make a wish foundation. It goes ok. People aren’t into anything. I do some crowd work and talk about the Hall and Oates thing. I’d give this set a D. It was fun, and I felt comfortable. I’m glad I tried the new bit out. 

I then drive over to Nuevo Mexico hosted by Moe Singleton. I video call him and he tells me it is just a workshop and that no one is there. I say screw it and go anyway. I get there while Chris St. John is on stage. There is three audience members, the bartender, and three comics. He asks if I want to go next and of course I say yes. 

I go up and legit just do like 15 minutes of crowd work. I am riffing with a couple girls at the bar and the one dude who came out. I am having fun and getting some good laughs. I just feel comfortable. My expectations were tempered, and I need to do that more.  I was having fun and it showed. I got some big pops, and I got laughs with stuff that bombed earlier at Home Sweet Home. My make a wish joke has legs to it. I just need to put it in my voice and find another angle or two for it.  I’d give this set a C. It was super fun, but hard to gauge due to the lack of audience.

After my set Rebecca Hyman went up and honestly it was just a riff session for like 25 minutes. We shit on Moe together, and I would just yell out tags and stuff. We were all just trying to make each other laugh. It was a super fun time. I stuck around after and chatted a bit before chowing down on some chips. After this I head home and pass out. 

2/8

I took Thursday off since there were no open mics. I wasn’t feeling dope so I needed to rest before having a pretty big show on this day. 

My buddy Jaye Toler had booked me to do 20 minutes squeaky clean at his church. It was Faith and Family Church in North Chesterfield. I was super excited for it. I’ve known Jaye since I started comedy. He is a great dude and I love seeing him. I was willing to do this show out of love but as always he and the church took care of me.

On my way to the show though I got in a car accident. I was on 95 and I accidentally rear ended a car. I was looking to merge into the center lane. When I went to do it a car sped up beside me and when I looked up it was too late to stop in my lane. Everyone was ok. They were super cool. We exchanged information and I headed to the show. 

When I got there I went to grab my wallet. I couldn’t find it anywhere. I knew I had it in my car when I left. That is when I realized that it must have dropped out on the side of 95 when I went to the passenger side to get my insurance information.

I am now having a full on panic attack. Car accident, and now no wallet It seems like the whole world is against me. At this time I have a choice. I can bail on this show and head back immediately to look or I can turn it over to God, do the show in the church, and look immediately after my set. I pray about it (I'm Christian, I know it is weird) and decide to honor my commitment and do the LoLove show (it is a comedy show before a marriage retreat kind of thing).

It is packed. I’d say close to 80 people in the lobby of the sanctuary. The energy in the room is absolutely electric. I am going in the middle of the show. Jaye is first and then Micah “Bamm Bamm” White is going last (dope comic, another guy who has given me a lot of work and guided me a lot when I started).

Jake goes up and starts to do his set. I am assuming that this is supposed to be insanely clean, but he starts to talk about sex. Not in a dirty way, but just referencing it. There are no kids here so why not. The crowd absolutely loved it. I had never even thought to talk about that stuff at church. I have done tons of church shows and I always err on the side of caution and don’t do that at all.  Jaye has a hot hosting set, and I decide I am going to throw my set out of the window and see how much crowd work I can do before I get into my set.

I go up and from the beginning absolutely destroy. I am a staunch critic of myself but I am not exaggerating when I say I absolutely murdered in this church for 20 minutes with nothing but crowd work. I got at least 7 applause breaks (which is absolutely insane). I was able to weave all of the crowd work together. I joked about church, we joked about race, religion, sex, the show, Jaye, and so much more. I got to meet and talk to some amazing people during my set. I got the DJ and the pastor in on the jokes. This was the best clean set I had ever done in my life. 20 minutes, all crowd work, and not a dead spot in the show. I’d give this set an A+. I have anew energy when it comes to clean shows. I now know I can do crowd work there. I can do clean crowd work and kill, and that’s a huge tool to have when it comes to these shows. 

I say my goodbyes and head back to 95. I don’t remember exactly where my accident was so I stop at the following exit and walk back. It is like 20 degrees, and there are a ton of cars driving by. A couple get pretty close to me and I’m absolutely terrified. I keep walking, and I have absolutely no hope that I am going to find it. Until after about an hour of looking I see it. I run up to it and pick up my wallet. It isn’t destroyed and nothing is gone from it. I go back to my car and head to eat at a diner before heading home to sleep. This was an insane day, but it was all worth it. 

2/9

The next day I have a huge and secret audition. Can’t say anything because I probably won’t get it. I drive all the way up to Rockville MD first thing in the morning. It goes super well, and if I don’t get it I’ll be ok. I know I gave it my best, and I couldn’t do any better. So that’s a good feeling to have.

I then drive all the way from Rockville to Charlottesville because it was time for The Valentine’s Winstmas Games at The Southern. This is one of my favorite shows and I’m trying to keep building these shows.

I get there pretty early, and head inside to get everything ready. Angel (the one of a kind do it all) at The Southern also shows myself and JR (who showed up right after me) how to work the sound board at the venue. We want to make our shows more independently run so we can cut down on costs. She also is super dope and makes a couple of posters so we can get some walk up traffic. Definitely a life saver and helped a shit load with the show.

John Marg and Colby Knight also showed up and helped to pull out chairs and set up for the show. I get the food for the eating contest ready. I get flash cards out so we can have audience members write relationship/dating questions and have the comedians answer them. I get my two cameras set up to try and capture the show.  After all of this I just sit and relax and wait. The show had the lonely boiyz (Anthony Thompson, Paige Campbell, and Sam Padgett) vs the love birds (Brandon Beswick, Dylan Vattelana, and Colby Knight). 

We wait an extra fifteen minutes to get people settled in. We have a pretty dope crowd. I’d say about 60+. Lot’s of couples and also some single people. This is going to be a super fun show. 

We just right into the games (I got a good note from someone that next time I will open with standup/crowdwork then start the show). We play pitch me a romantic comedy. Beswick has a great one about two people in comas meeting. Absolutely hysterical.

We play create a stereotype, and then do the eating contest. Sam Padgett and Colby Knight compete to see who can eat the most valentine’s chocolates. I got these huge heart shaped boxes and they go at it. Padgett wins. He ate 23 and Colby only ate like 12. 

Then we answered audience questions about love/romance. It was so funny. This was one of the highlights of the show. We did this for about 20+ minutes, and I am definitely going to bring an ask the comics portion to the rest of these shows. 

We played some other games (size me up, newlywed game, etc) and then get to “one, true, three” which is like two truths and a lie but reversed. We bring up an audience member named Alyse and she is hammered. She didn’t look like she was having fun the whole night. She talks about how we needed women on the show(the ones I asked weren’t available and quite frankly there isn’t a big pool to pull from in the area), and that only two of us were funny (even though everyone was killing all night). Another lady in the front joins in two. So the comics get defensive. We bust their balls a bit and they keep saying stuff. It is getting tense. I am loving it, but Alyse is being so damn rude. Finally they both are like pay some women to be on this show and I shut them down by saying, “I  wish I could book more women on this show because I could pay them 30% less.” It got a huge laugh and we moved on. Alyse and the other lady enjoyed it and the show continued. We ended on one more round of questions and the Lonely Boiyz won. I’d give this show an A. It was so much fun. 

After the show people came up and talked about how dope it was. I think we are going to continue to build this. They are only going to get better and better. I plugged the next one and got people to follow Charlottesville comedy. I hang out a bit and help clean up. I then go to leave and as I’m getting out of Charlottesville my check engine light comes on and says I need service immediately. So I pull over into the Applebees and pop the hood. I have a radiator leak from my accident and can’t drive it. So I wait an hour for my car to cool down, and then fill it with fluid and drive it home. So I enjoy a nice late night dinner alone at Applebees. What an up and down few days for comedy. An accident, a great show, lost wallet, found wallet, amazing audition, great show, and broke down car. I love this journey so much, but it can be super trying. 

2/10

I had a couple shows this night. First thing as soon as I had a car I went to my friend Clay’s birthday party. It was a small get together playing board games and eating good food. I got to see his gf/comic Francesca, but also Jason Kusterer, Jacob McFadden, Alex Castagne, and Brandon Beswick. It was a blast.

I then headed over to the Hof Garden I was hosting for a couple dc comics (Sarah Roche, Fernando Madrigal) and Couple’s Therapy (Rebecca Hyman, Moe Singleton).

There is like no crowd here and Rebecca seems crazy stressed. She has some aggressive energy trying to get people to stay. Eventually they have four audience members and I go up to perform. I just do crowd work with one couple for a while. It is fun people are laughing, but nothing dope. Then this one chick Andrea started heckling. She’s just an awful person. I shit on her a a bit and have some fun with her, but she is absolutely drunk and unbearable. I’d give this set a D-. It was whatever. I was hosting and it was a light crowd so I didn’t go hard on her, but she was talkative through the other comics sets. After Fernando and Sarah performed I brought Couple’s Therapy on stage and then headed to Sticky Rice to make it to the show I was closing out. 

I get to Sticky Rice and the show has just started. It is freaking packed. Francesca Lyn and Mike Engle are the co hosts on this show. Fran is having a good set and I walk around saying hi to some of the other performers and my friends. This lineup had some new comics on it and some old favorites. 

I got to see Sarah Pip Rose do a set. She went first and did well. Some people really bed with her. Then Mike went up and did a set and kept the show rolling. Then there was a new comic I had never seen before (Henry Fletcher) I think is his name. He did well too. The crowd kept getting into it which was super awesome. Then I got to watch Tom Hall have a killer set. It was a wireless mic so he just wandered around the room, stood on tables, talked to people, and did his act. This fits perfectly with the vibe of Sticky Rice. He killed so I knew when it was my turn I had to turn it up. Patrick Owen and Grace Manno both had pretty good sets as well. Grace is an improvisor turned standup so she doesn’t get out a ton, but she was working out some interesting stuff that was fun to hear and Patrick has been hitting the mics pretty regularly and it is starting to show. His timing is coming along, and his stuff is getting tighter. Progress is exactly what you want to see in these new guys.

Then it is my turn. Before I went up two girls came up to me who had seen me before and asked if I was performing. I told them yes and they looked ecstatic. This doesn’t happen often, but it felt so good to hear. I go up and people are talking because it is the end of the show, but I started with a weird Roomba joke. Then I went into arming teachers which I hadn't done in Richmond in ages. I was really working the crowd. This was a hot set. This is a good comedy room, but it is definitely more of an alternative crowd. I love being able to show I can work any room I am put in. I did some new material and I ran the light a bit, but the audience was into it. I asked the girl who had seen me before what joke she wanted to hear (I gave her two options) since it was her birthday. The audience screamed for both so I did. Both got a great response and I got off stage happy. I’d give this set an A-. I got to talk to my friends a bit longer, and got a few followers on IG which was nice. I know it is not much, but it was just a super validating set following the Hof Garden. I then went home passed out ready for a new day. 

What an insane week of shows. I am still a little behind, but I will be better I promise. Stuff just keeps coming up, and I can’t help it babes! I love you laydees! I will see you soon xoxo

#car #accident #wreck #church #comedy #clean comedy #jokes #improv #gameshow #standup #winstmas games #alternatie comedy #valentinesday