#makes me realize that what that means is he Splits and basically has a therapy session/argument/fight with himself LOL

[skyloftian-nutcase]

Okay, so a big observation I've made about Four that really makes me enjoy his character more: unlike most of the others, who hide their abilities either out of distrust, disinterest, or shame, Four hides his for the drama.

Look at the look on his face when people ask about the Four Sword.

Like, clearly he's leery of surprise because of it, but he isn't sorry for having it, I don't think, at least not for the most part. That boy is proud of it. He doesn't tell them what it can do because he'd rather show them what it can do.

I mean, every time someone finds out about his secret he's just all :3

This boy may not have asked for the abilities he got but he sure does love to show them off when he gest the chance, and I honestly love that for him. It's about time these boys were proud of what they could accomplish, they deserve it.

(It also explains why he can keep his own secrets so well when he is garbage at keeping other's secrets - it's because he wants to be dramatic and surprise them LOL)

This update has definitely made me appreciate Four more <3

#lu four #linkeduniverse #linked universe #also now that I reread his initial bio #the whole idea of him being level headed because he can deal with issues by confronting himself #makes me realize that what that means is he Splits and basically has a therapy session/argument/fight with himself LOL #that's one way of doing it Four XD #character analysis

[amyintherapy]

Semi-recently, when discussing something about somatic or embodying type therapy, my therapist explained how somatic work makes sense because our bodies respond first. He used the example of how if someone hides in a closet in your house and pops out and says 'boo' when you aren't expecting it...if you could break it down into slow motion...

First your body reacts. You might step back, or you might raise your arms up, or make a fist.

Then emotion hits. You're scared/irritated/unsettled/whatever

Then thoughts come in. "Why did you do that?" or 'AGh, you got me!' or whatever.

And that's not just true for fear, it's true for all emotions. It's just that we don't often realize our body reacts first, as many of us spend so much time in our heads that we think of our feelings as basically being thoughts, when thoughts really are stories we make up to try to explain our feelings.

Anyway.

Recently, my partner mentioned that a truck pulled into our driveway that looked kinda like my dads. A late 80s or early 90's big, boxy truck. And how it took him a minute to process what was happening, and how he was feeling about it.

And I empathized, and shared how I've had that type of experience except when seeing people around his age, who share his really-tan-for-a-white-dude skin tone, who are wearing a dark green carhartt type coat like he had. And it really is just a split second, a fraction of a second - but it's enough of a whiplash that it feels like my heart got turned upside down.

I've heard other people call those types of experiences "forgetting" that they're gone. And while I understand what they mean, and I don't know of a concise explanation that would put it any better... that's always felt incorrect to me. Because I never feel like I forget. From the moment I heard his last breath, I have remembered that he's dead, 24/7. Even in my dreams, if he is alive, it's that he came BACK to life, it's never that he didn't die. And I've never really known how to make sense of these conflicting experiences where I react as if something I saw was him, and yet I didn't literally forget he was dead.

But I think the somatic thing...about how our bodies react to our environments before we actually think about them...is the answer to that contradiction. I think my emotions and my thoughts have always known he was dead since he died. But my body only knew him to be alive for 30 years, and 2 years isn't enough to change that, so it kinda forgets that reality has changed, while the rest of me can't.

#grief #no idea why this is coming out today but i'm just rolling with it #sigh #i'm really really tired of grief and I have a lifetime to go

[pullingheavendown]

Having a fucking day. Having a fucking day trying not to compulsively apologize for having one.

I have not been here long, it's- I guess more like it's been a very long time. I remember Easter in seventh grade. I remember Easter in tenth grade. The first Easter was the family trip to Disneyland for spring break. The trip nobody remembers. The second was the Easter weekend that mom moved us out of our stepdad's place. I don't really remember much of the move. Just a postcard of a memory from someone else, looking at the house while we drove away for the last time, feeling like we were going to die. Like we were leaving someone behind to die.

I think some sliver of me was split off then. That little fraction of awareness that we'd left someone or something behind. Buried them, or buried it. There was so much wailing fear and a canyoning ache in that moment, so deep it felt like the entire void or cosmos wouldn't fill it. And then I got put away. Buried me. So I'm one of those parts from the trauma side of the barrier that's been nudged over a bit, maybe.

Therapy has been so hard the last two weeks. There is a once-massive barrier in our system. We are... I suppose one of "those" systems, the stereotypical ones where the blackouts can be 100%, span days, and we were living a double life. The barrier between those sides seems still so leviathan in size, but there have been little ruptures. Little connections. We're finding ways to communicate.

Our architecture is complex because we were moved from one trafficking ring to another, in addition to the issues at home, and had to cut off so many intricate connections in our memory to live. We are many fragments in a jar. There was programming. What's been happening in therapy I might loosely but with great seriousness call deprogramming. "They" (our higher-ups) don't let the programmed alters front but we've been managing to have a cluster of us present during sessions. We can bridge enough that one of our trauma holders can speak with the therapist about the brainwashing and what he remembers, basically.

But the rage. Our therapist told this alter, in that way most therapists probably have to?, that he would have put himself in the psych ward for homicidal intent, too, if he had been in our position. It's not the first time he's really directly validated our anger that way. But he also said at the end of the session prior to that, after meeting that alter for the first time, that he was angry for us. That he'd been sitting on a lot of anger personally the whole time, and...

Somehow that helped. The fact our therapist would want to murder our traffickers too really helped bring that alter closer to the rest of us. The fact he realized that our therapist could be boiling with rage but still be composed and kind and empathetic did something. I can't really articulate it, but something good - it was like a lone, feral wolf finally recognizing itself in someone else. A pack animal seeing it might not be alone for once.

And I think THAT is what the usual group fronting from "this side" of that massive barrier between us never really grasped. That "embracing your anger" means more than knowing it's there. That it needed a mirror to see itself in. That it needs to know its existence is acceptable and it won't be treated like a burden (or worse) just for living, or be buried again.

I'm also working this out as I type because it's like... Pulling teeth. We think in words on this side, and so much from this alter is images or visual. We've done this before, had much smaller subsystems have to figure out each other's mental metaphor to merge/communicate more. But this feels fundamentally different. Less easy to integrate with, like an ingrained computability issue (which I know makes sense when that kind of divide was needed and all that).

It's so exhausting, though. And so totalizing when the amnesia snaps back after. Stephan won't remember writing this. (But will see it when we don't currently have a journal to write in instead, so, here you go.) I may not even remember writing this. The cost of talking more is that the flashbacks are endless. Less of a flash, more of a flood. And there is so much, and so much of it is confetti, and pain, and betrayal. There is so much betrayal.

And the more we learn, the more mystifying it is that this barrier worked. Stephan got us out, with that move that Easter weekend. He got us out of our stepdad's hellhome. He doesn't remember doing it much, and his subsystem is still very dissociated, and the cost was steep. But I'm struggling not to be grateful when he got us out of there with that sacrifice.

Hence all the horned god imagery with this alter, I think. Some level of awareness of that, and the whole Easter weekend thing overlapping in our memories, and our at the time obsession with wicca all probably. Pitched in there.

This went places! Sorry.

#Bracken's #do we have a system tag or is he too lowkey for that #??? tag me later I guess!

[milkteamoon]

Myopic

A few weeks ago I made this post joking about s4 Jon losing his glasses out of spite, and today I decided to put it in fic form. Hope you enjoy!

1k words, s4 spoilers (Read on Ao3)

—

Thing is, she almost doesn’t notice when he stops wearing his glasses. 

Okay, honestly, Basira has always thought of Jon as...a little odd.

The Magnus Institute credentials didn’t help — if years of being sectioned had taught her anything, it’d been that nothing normal ever comes out of that place — but it wasn’t just that. It was something more...supernatural. Not that Jon was really anything supernatural per se (at least, not when she’d first met him), but he certainly fit the job he had. Chalk it up to his whole “tortured academic” bit. He’s a nice enough guy, but he’s still odd. He’s just odd.

Of course, that all gets ramped up to an eleven after the Unknowing fiasco. She’s not sure if it’s just Beholding-typical bullshit or the fact that the explosion blew off a rational thinking part of his brain, but when he’s back on his feet, at work, just two days after coming out of a coma, well......that’s not normal, right? It can’t be normal. Maybe Basira’s never actually seen someone come out of a coma after that long, but with basic medical knowledge, the doctors’ frantic diagnoses, the paperwork (god, all that paperwork—), it just seems like nothing short of a miracle.

Or a maybe curse. But she’s trying to stay positive.

She asks Melanie once what she thinks of Jon’s situation. Melanie’s skinning an apple as she tells her that they were just wasting electricity on keeping his life support going, and Basira doesn’t ask Melanie about Jon anymore after that.

So she doesn’t bring it up.

Hell, it almost feels too mundane to bring up. Lining that up next to Jon’s other “side effects,” it feels inconsequential — a minor aesthetic preference compared to ripping information out of people or Knowing the entire history of the coffee maker in the breakroom (and yes, he had told her that, and no, she hadn’t asked.)

It isn’t even his weirdest trait; that one was reserved for the whole “sleeping with his eyes open” thing he now did. Daisy’s the one to bring this revelation up in the middle of a Thursday physical therapy session.

“Oh, yeah. It’s weird as hell,” Basira says, pushing Daisy’s leg up over her head. “I went in his office the other day? Had a full-on conversation before realizing he was completely conked out, just......staring at me.”

Daisy chuckles a little at this. “He’s a right freak, isn’t he?”

“He’s something alright.”

“And a stubborn bastard too. Still can’t get him to wear his glasses. He says I can’t make him,” Daisy grunts, then smiles, all teeth. “Almost makes me want to go back, just so I can prove him wrong.”

“You noticed that too?” Basira asks, lowering Daisy’s leg and picking up the other. “What’s up with that?”

“What do you mean?”

“Like is it some freaky Eye business? You sign your soul away and suddenly you get good vision?”

Daisy does laugh at this. “Oh god no. He can’t see shit.”

“Seriously?”

“Yep. Blind as a bat. Catch him squintin’ at statements when he thinks I’m not looking.” She grabs her leg and pulls it closer. “Probably just some stupid test of his. I don’t ask, otherwise he won’t shut up.”

“At least that didn’t change.”

“Heh. Yeah. Better than him moping all day about not being human.”

Basira hums, low in her throat, and begins lowering Daisy’s leg. “Do you think he is? Not human, I mean?”

“Who, Sims?” Daisy snorts. “Nah.”

Basira frowns as she holds out her hand. “How can you be so sure?”

Daisy takes Basira’s waiting hand, pulls herself to her feet. Dusts herself off, because the dirt still hasn’t left her clothes, even all these weeks later. “Easy,” Daisy says, and her grin is like knives. “Monsters are smarter.”

—

“Jon,” Basira greets, giving a knock on his open office door.

“B-Basira!” Jon jolts, scrambling to make his office, his desk, himself more presentable in the split second before she can take it all in. Like she hadn’t just watched him for the past five minutes with his nose mere centimeters from a statement, all cagey, all Archivist-y. “I-is there something I can do for you?”

“I just—” she stops herself. Takes a breath, and then asks, “Do you want my readers?”

“I’m......sorry?”

“It’s just...I saw you squinting? At the statement. You know that’s bad for your eyes.” 

Jon cracks a half-smile at this, which does nothing to alleviate her concerns. She takes a step further into his office before pressing, “You’re not doing something stupid, are you?”

“Oh, n-no no. I’m just.......the Eye, it looks through...well, eyes,” he explains, which, yeah, Basira had already had a feeling that was the case with all the creepy portraits around the building. “I-I figured turning down the focus might deter it from, well, looking so much.”

Basira blinks. “You’re serious.”

“Erm...yes?”

“So why not just...use another one us?”

Jon blinks.

“The Eye,” she clarifies. “For seeing.”

Jon blinks again. Stares her over. He’s looking at her like she’s grown an extra set of eyes on her forehead, which is ironic considering, if anyone, he’d be the one doing so. When another beat of oppressive silence passes, she waves it off with her hand.

“Forget it,” Basira says, then digs her reading glasses from her pocket. “I’ll leave these on my desk if you need them, alright?”

“R-right......thank you, Basira.”

“Sure. I’ll leave you to it, then.”

Basira nods and shuts the door with a sensible click.

—

Later, as she’s packing up her work for the day, Basira passes the breakroom and catches Jon, face knitted in pensive consideration. He’s standing by the kettle, now bubbling, with a row of tea boxes. He’s squinting at the one in his hand, so tight she thinks his face might stick if he’s not careful, before he nods. Pulls out a bag. Plops it into his mug.

Basira watches as he lifts the kettle, relaxes, then pours the entire contents on the counter to the left of the mug.

A part of her thinks she should help when he lets out a shout.

The other, stronger part wins out though, and she quietly continues down the hall.

Right. Well.

She’ll leave him to it, then.

#thank you for entertaining my silly little fic ideas #tma #magnuspod #my writing #tma fic #the magnus archives

[eldritch-queern-magicat]

As it would happen, we were still fracturing from other things when Mom died. It's what made us so fragile that we shattered when it happened. Losing Grandma was a very harsh blow and put me under even more emotional pressure. I suppose the one blessing is that she didn't have to watch me let our family tear itself apart over the abuse reveal.

I fused back with the part once named Zero, who changed it to Rhodes. Era makes for a funny name, but Rhodes literally means rose. And yes, that makes all the difference. When I first got into fandom spaces, I literally just called myself Rose until I was comfortable with myself online.

And the only reason we did that was that we were using our daily name, Cari, for the main character of a 130 chapter-long heroic vampire girl epic. It was the most fun I'd had writing stories, based on how I spent about fourteen months regularly writing it so I had many chapters already done and ready to post on a weekly or so basis. It was a messy as hell Kingdom Hearts and Final Fantasy crossover of sorts, and a totally unashamed self-insert adventure. At the time, my primary crush from Kingdom Hearts was Zexion (this was around the time we got Re:Coded across the globe). I did finish the story in early 2012, so Mom got to see our satisfaction at finishing that crossover fanfic epic. She was incredibly supportive of my ultimate dream of being a published author, and we talked through new ideas a lot.

I also had my crisis around my sexuality at that time, because hey! I'm finally in a place where I can safely explore myself. I had, through my corner of the Quizilla Kingdom Hearts community, discovered I had a crush on Kairi. To be honest, I had a crush on most of the KH original characters. Definitely except for Vexen, because he was basically my main self-insert's dad whenever I was working with her in my fanfics. It was part because it's funny, but there was also a very sincere affection for the character.

There have been dividing lines between us for ages, and of course they coincided with our characters and stories more over time. But they didn't reach all the way through us back then. We felt largely stable, even though we were still pretty brittle. The cracks had slowed significantly before Grandma died, then it got worse a lot faster. I wasn't even close to properly opening up in therapy about much of anything at that point. Even when things seemed to be looking up, it was still just a massive downward spiral from there.

My writing slowed significantly over the years as my mind just split over and over again. I tried so many things to get the creativity flowing again, but I only delayed my inevitable crash. I don't think it helped that I became progressively bitter as time went on. I got mean again, and it's hard to create when your mind has been sharpened into a blade. Though what I did write did become progressively darker as time went on. It was part of coping, mostly, which is what makes some things I came up with so uncomfortable in retrospect (though I did come to understand my love of horror a lot better). My stories were already a mess of my unprocessed childhood trauma, even during high school in its entirety, when awful things were still going on.

It's very likely I put my writing down because I couldn't handle what it was all from. And with the other things that happened, it was made worse by me misunderstanding the source of it. I literally didn't realize how much of it was just internal conflicts. My descent into madness was intense, but maybe now I can finally unpack what happened.

Honestly, there was at least one good thing that came of that mess. There was a decent amount of spiritual healing at that time. My cards, both tarot and oracle, gave me a structure for understanding some stuff. My first Fool's Journey was with my darling Herbal Tarot. I met many dissociated parts that I mistook for spirit beings, because that's how deeply shattered I was. I literally had no sense of self at that time.

So much of my identity at that time was tied to Mom and our tested, unbreakable relationship. It legitimately felt like I wasn't anything at all anymore. Charles saying it was like something in me also died still hits me pretty hard. Even when he said it, I knew inside that he was right. But back then, I just wasn't ready to admit it. Still not easy, but it's getting better. And that's enough, for now.

-Rhodes 🗝️😻

#dissociative identity disorder #did splitting #did #did system #alters #dissociation #polyfragmented #polyfrag system #polyfrag did #alter names #tw death #family death tw #therapy #trauma recovery #creative writing #fanfiction #fanfic #fandom #kingdom hearts #kingdom hearts fanfic #kingdom hearts fandom #crossover #fanfic crossover #final fantasy 7 #final fantasy series #final fantasy 10 #original characters #personal shit #rambles #ramblings

[wenellyb]

I don't know how to explain this but TFATWS reads a lot like “yes Sam and Bucky are romantically involved but this is not a romance so we won't delve into their relationship”.

If you think about it, in Marvel movies, the romance is not at the center of the plot. Even in solo movies, there is usually just one kiss, never more. And it the Avengers, there are usually no kissed between the couples. 

I'm trying to stay away my shipper googles but even then, some scenes don't make sense to me. I love watching movies and TV shows and one thing I like is that dialogues are not put there randomly, the script has a meaning, the words have a meaning, and the scenes they decide to keep have a meaning.

And for some of the Sambucky scenes in TFATWS,  I’m struggling to find any other meaning than “Sam and Bucky had feelings for eachother at some point”.

You can argue that jokes about the 2 partners being more than just friends is a recurring joke in a lot of buddy cop movies, but in those movies, it is usually a joke, just for laughs. The only scenes that would fall into that category in the FATWS are the rolling in the flower field scene and the therapy lesson scene where Sam and Bucky get so close that there legs are intertwined. 

All the other scenes are so emotionally heavy it's difficult to categorize them as only fanservice, or two guys being friends. I'm not saying they aren't any emotional scenes in buddy cop movies, but usually the emotional scenes don't go as deep as what we've seen  in the Falcon and the Winter Soldier. 

I tried to look at all their scenes together and split them into different categories, and I stilll end up with some scenes that point to a relationship that goes beyond friendship between Sam and Bucky:

Scenes that fall into the fanservice category and there just for laughs:

The bickering about wizards and sorcerers in episode 2

The rolling in the flower field scene and the beginning of the therapy scene.

Sam asking Bucky to do something when the Dora Milaje are attacking John Walker in episode 4

Scenes that can be seen as purely friendship:

In episode 2:

 Bucky deciding to follow Sam because I quote  "he doesn't trust Redwing". What is that even supposed to mean? ... He probably meant I don't trust Redwing to protect Sam like he would.

Bucky standing up from the stack where he was sitting on, to go sit next to Sam when they were on the flight back from their mission. 

Sam waiting for Bucky in the police station, even though they try to act as if they're not friends

Sam agreeing to go see Zemo with little to no protest

In episode 3:

Sam making sure Bucky is alright and asking him if he's ok

Sam touching Bucky's metal arm when he’s pretending to be the Winter Soldier

In episode 4:

Bucky saying "I'm going with you" when Sam says Karli wants to meet with him alone.

In episode 5:

The shield practice scene when they have a heart-to-heart talk in episode 5 about what the shield meant for Bucky and Bucky finally apologizing for the way he treated Sam and explaining how as a White man he couldn't possibly know what it would mean for Sam to be Captain America

Sam asking if Bucky is ready for some tough love.

Scenes that make no sense if we see their relations as just friendship:

In episode 2: 

The therapist said she heard a lot about Sam, she wants Sam to stay for the therapy for I don't know what reason, she makes them do a couple exercise, and says it explicitly.

Why would the therapist say she heard a lot about about Sam, that she want to do a couples exercise with them? Those scenes alone are alright, but when you take them together it's quite interesting. 

The couples therapy trope has been used in a lot of Buddy cop movies or TV shows, but usually they don't delve into sensitive topics like they did in TFATWS, the scene was so emotional for a few seconds, I forgot it was a Marvel show.

In episode 3:

When Bucky tells Sam he helped Zemo escape, Sam was furious, and couldn't stop yelling at Bucky about how insane his plan was, and Sam was right. But the moment Bucky looks him in the eyes and basically says, "please do it for me", Sam agrees right away... Excuse me what??? How does this make sense?                                                                              

If my friends ask me to work with an international criminal who just escaped from prison, I wouldn't just stop arguing with them just because they looked at me with puppy eyes. I would continue to yell at them until the end of the mission. Sam was like, “ok, ok, I'll do it for you”? I'm sorry but that is not friendship only, it's something else.

In Episode 5:

 Can we talk about Bucky's reaction when Torres arrived in Episode 5?? The annoyed face when Torres walks in and Bucky walking away right after that, without even saying goodbye? Torres is the sweetest soul on earth, how can anybody hate him? Why would Bucky not like him??? This scene make no sense unless they're trying to tell us that Bucky is jealous or something.

Bucky asking a favor to Ayo, when he's not in good terms with the Wakandans. I'm sorry but do you realize how heavy this scene is? Ayo, just told Bucky that he should lay low for a while, and Bucky understands that, but his first thought is "I need to get a gift from Sam" first. Nope nope nope, you can't tell me this is just friendship. Ok, maybe it is, but I don't understand this filming choice. Plotwise, Sam could have asked for a suit or new wings himself.  I'm sure Sam is in very good terms with T'Challa and the Wakandans... What does it mean that Bucky was the one to ask for it as a gift to Sam, when Bucky was in a already in a difficult situation with the Wakandans due to him freeing Zemo.

Bucky touching Sam's waist to ask him to move when he starts helping him with the boat repair. And Bucky coming from behind to do so, giving us a very short but intimate scene.

Their conversation about Bucky staying over for the night: Bucky saying he doesn't want to make things weird with Sam and his family by staying over, and Sam saying how the people in the town are so open-minded. Why would they have that conversation if Sam and Bucky are only friends? Sarah knows about Bucky and his past, she know that he and Sam are friends (sort of), why would a friend staying over make things weird between him and his family? Why would Sam need to say that the people in this town are open-minded?

The video montage of them building the boat the day after. Anyone knows why they would show us that if they were only friends, and with THAT music choice? 

The extra long handshake at the end of their training scene, when they kept holding hands and looking into eachother’s eyes while talking together, and Bucky basically says he'll be there for Sam whenever he needs him.

I’m sorry but it doesn’t seem to me that they are being portrayed as just friends

Usually in buddy cop movies/ TV Shows, there are always joke but in the FATWS, some scenes are so emotional that I feel like I'm missing something. Bucky has this whole passive agressive behavior with Sam and yet he's unable to let Sam go on a mission on his own. One thing I really can't understand is that Bucky always seems know where to find Sam, as if he had been keeping tabs on him. 

So yes, there's definitely chemistry between Sebastian Stan and Anthony Mackie, due to their friendship but it’s not only that. The writers and director have made the choice to keep some scenes and some dialogues ambiguous.

In some of the scenes we can see that there's more to Bucky and Sam's story than we know.

And they're not the first Marvel couple to have a similar treatment: Wanda and Vision's relationships was very subtle at the beginning, same for Natasha and Bruce, we rarely see them together explicitly but we knew they had a relationship.

It's the same for Sam and Bucky, some of the scenes only make sense if there has been a romantic relationship between Sam and Bucky at some point.

To me it's really like Sam and Bucky are set up as a couple or at least two people who have been romantically involved in the past, but the show won't expand on that because this is a superhero show, not a romance.

In an action movie, you would see some couples, or people who are obviously in a relationship or hints that there is something going on between them, but rarely would you see a kiss, that’s what I feel is happening here.

Last point: if Sam and Bucky had kissed in Episode 5 after their talk, it wouldn't have been out of nowhere and it wouldn't have changed anything to the plot. That's how I know my theory isn't that far-fetched.

I would love to hear your thoughts about some or all of these scenes (especially the Torres one, that one is driving me crazy)  and see what you think about it?

If you see their relationship being portrayed as pure friendship, I would like to know why. And would also love to hear how you guys interpret their other scenes together and if you have some different point of views about the scenes in the show.

#sambucky #sam wilson #bucky barnes #tfatws #the falcon and the winter soldier #tfatws spoilers #I started this as a draft even before episode 5 aired but after episode 5 I'm even more confused #my posts

[lunar-wandering]

alright. the time has finally come for me to explain the Wisp AU. here we go.

Macaque.......2!

when i say “two of them...” i mean it very literally

basically, when Wukong landed the finishing blow in his fight against Macaque during JTTW, one part of Macaque forgave him, and the other did not.

so. they split.

there is no “good” or “bad” side in this split, just the one that immediately forgave and the one that didn’t

the one that didn’t forgive and still hates Wukong is canon Macaque. the one that forgave is called “Whisper”, he uses “Wisp” for short

Wisp can’t actually speak, he can only make whistling/wind like sounds

Macaque can understand him just fine though

(we’re going with my personal headcanon that Macaque was created via tornado here, so of course he can understand the wind)

Wisp doesn’t use a glamour over his scar, he lets it be visible.

for the most part, Wisp actively follows what Macaque does, goes through with his plans and all that.

(the ‘Macaque’ that punched MK wouldn’t be a clone in this scenario, it’d be Wisp.)

Wisp usually stays hidden within Macaque’s shadow, just so there aren’t any “two Macaque’s at the same time” complications

without glamours, Wisp’s face marking is magenta instead of red, and his overall appearance is a bit more...smokey??? for lack of a better word: wispy.

Wisp secretly wants Macaque to also forgive Wukong and move on from all the hate. despite this he doesn’t actively cause trouble for Macaque, only giving him disapproving looks

once Macaque steps onto the ship and a chance for actual redemption is there though??? oh, Wisp goes absolutely off the rails feral

Macaque tries to say something stupid that he wouldn’t be able to take back, and Wisp leaps out of his shadow to slam his hands over Macaque’s mouth to shut him up. literal self restraint.

MK finds out about Wisp first, (Wisp messed up while pretending to be Macaque’s shadow) they make him swear to not tell anyone but then Wisp outs himself the next day via keeping Macaque from doing stupid shit

Wisp and Macaque don’t even have any kind of telepathic connection that lets Wisp know what Macaque is about to say, he’s just got a sixth sense for his other half’s stupidity

Mei: so which one of you is the evil twin? Macaque: oh its definitely me- Wisp: *(takes out a weapon and casually spins it around)* MK: yeah im placing my bet on Wisp Macaque: wha- why- MK, staring at the expression Wisp is making: ....no reason

MK gives Wisp some kind of kazoo/harmonica/slide whistle and Wisp uses it to audibly voice his displeasure and annoy Macaque Macaque, visibly injured: im fine- Wisp: *(unhappy kazoo noises)*

Macaque: ..Wisp why is MK talking to me about a therapy appointment i supposedly agreed to? Wisp: *(innocent shrug)* Macaque: W h i s p e r. Wisp: *(immediately peaces out and leaves)*

Wukong: .....important question. are you also gonna try and kill me? Wisp: *(whistling/wind noises)* Wukong, who didn’t understand any of that: thats....not very reassuring

dont worry they get Wisp a note pad so that he can communicate without having to use Macaque as a translator eventually

this doesn’t happen until far later in the AU but. Macaque: ....I forgive you, Wukong Wisp: oh fucking finally, i thought it’d never happen Everyone: Wisp, realizing he just spoke for the first time ever: .....wait-

basically, Macaque’s hatred of Wukong had been literally silencing his forgiveness.

Wisp: dammit now i can’t talk about people behind their back anymore

#Monkie Kid #Wisp AU #this AU started as a joke but yall its not a joke anymore #long post

[doctor-loboto]

just a little fic I wrote based on Loboto going to pick his kid up at the end of Psychonauts 2, I’ll probably post it on ao3 later (CW: what could be described as parental neglect, references to mental health struggles and therapy, step-parents)

“I’m sorry I was late picking you up, but in my defense, I was a little held up by being kidnapped by the goddanged psychonauts!” A dilapidated hot pink car drove along the country road, two plush molar danglers bobbing from the rear view mirror. It was patched with odd pieces of sheet metal and the back windows were covered in stickers. Caligosto Loboto placed a ceramic thermos labeled WORLD’S #1 BEST DADTIST (DENTIST DAD) back in the cup holder. “Anyway, it’s good to have a little uncertainty in your shelter situation! Roasting berries and trapping fish! It prepares you for when you’re an adult and you have to live in an abandoned shark taxidermy factory because no one will rent a studio space to a neurological marine dentist who ‘doesn’t have the appropriate paperwork’!”

“Except that’s not going to happen to me because I’m not crazy like you. I’m normal, like Mom. We’ve been through this.” Bobby was lounging in the back seat in a way that was probably a car safety hazard, the large shopping tote he used as a suitcase already having toppled upside down onto the carpet. “And yeah, the psychonauts freaking arrested you because you stole everybody’s brains! God, you’re so embarrassing! I hoped they would never meet you because you’re so freaking weird and now- now they met you and you basically kidnapped them and did brain surgery on them! What the fuck?”

Loboto gripped the steering wheel a little tighter. “Okay, I’m gonna give you a freebie on that one, but still, you only get two more F bombs this week.  And I’m going to try to ignore how absolutely mean you’re being to me, when I’m also a victim here! I was hypnotized! Experimented on! Rotated in the air like a deli chicken! Because I realize that… I did a not great thing, a bad thing even, and I knew when I was thinking about taking your brain that it was probably a bad idea and I should just say I did it but not actually do it.” He sighed and looked at his son through the mirror, and their bicolor eyes met. “I’m really sorry, Bobby. I know I’ve done a lot of things that made life hard for you.  But I’m going to start working on myself. They said I could go to therapy at the Motherlobe, and Sasha and Milla have already helped me out a lot! Do you think we can work things out?”

Bobby put his bare feet on the window glass and looked up at the ceiling upholstery. The fabric was beginning to decay and there were little beads of foam on the surface. “I don’t know. I mean, I guess you’re my only dad.”

Caligosto shrugged. “I’ll take that for now!” Just then, his eye caught a figure ahead along the road side. As they pulled closer, he saw that it was a small man in ragged clothing, walking with his thumb outstretched. He was covered in soot and looked exhausted. “Oh look, it’s your stepfather!”

“Wait, what?”

Cal beeped the horn as he slowed down. making the man startle dramatically and turn to face them. His face was bruised, with a dry split cracked open across his prominent lower lip. “Crispin! Get in the car, we’re going home!”

Crispin blinked a few times. “Doctor?”

“Yes, it’s me, Doctor Loboto! Now get in the car!”

The passenger door opened and Crispin slid into the seat, carrying with him the smell of unwashed hair and ash.

“Crispin, you need to take a shower. Also, this is my son, Bobby.” He gestured toward the back seat. “Bobby, this is my boyfriend and second in command, Crispin. Good! Everyone knows each other now!”

Crispin turned his upper body and squinted into the back seat. “Er, hello. I’ve heard… about you. Good things, to be clear.”

Bobby rolled his eyes. “Whatever. My mom has boyfriends too. Just don’t be a dick and don’t try to brush my hair.”

“Look at this! Me and my two favorite guys, talking in the car on a road trip!” Loboto said. “Ooh! We should go to that diner with the prehistoric animals!”

#psychonauts #psychonauts 2 spoilers #caligosto loboto #bobby zilch #crispin whytehead #crispigosto #crispinxloboto #psychonauts fanfiction

[petalsmooth]

Ok.

Let’s talk Lili.

First off we only know what stars put out about themselves or other people say about them. We are not friends with these people. We are not in their homes. We don’t usually hear what they say in unguarded conversation. What we know is what is out on social media with some highly distorted soundbites from chats or DM’s with her mother that were exposed.

We were initially presented a portrait pushed by her and her family no less of a middle class family with the standard girl next door hit it big narrative. Down to earth, relatable, somewhat quirky. Strong two parent supportive household. All that was missing were the apron and pearls.

This girl came out of the gates talking about a modernized Riverdale with two girls who would be actually close and not vying for the same redhead. Feel free to add/or correct along the way of course...especially early on when not following as closely.

We got very little in the way of insight into Cole and Lili because they were trying to keep it quiet even if there were hints together. Mostly during this period what fans were fed was that she was slightly awkward socially, maybe not the most intellectual but nice and harmless. She spoke of empowering women, independence, she constantly shut down the idea of Barchie and praised Bughead. Along through the year’s she would speak to social bullying or bullying in general. She would openly talk about struggles with mental health. She’d talk and show her cystic acne and share photos not all airbrushed in ode to body positivity. She’d talk about not having an hourglass figure, and cellulite and often go out in ratty shorts and a bun sans makeup. You see she’d talk about it then follow through by showing lived the walk or calling out photoshops done of her.

Again this is “relatable girl next door quirky Lili” we told was the REAL Lili.

She would frequently talk and post about her family and dogs at home and how much she loved and missed them...though oddly not so much her older sister.

At a certain point it became undeniable Cole and Lili were together to even the hardest deniers. Of course also the Met gala eventually made official for media.

We get have her liking posts such as Miley’s about how lucky she was to have a man who checked off all the boxes. But at times there were glimpses all wasn’t kosher. People have mentioned various cons where she’d be caught flirting somewhere else, or she’d be in a bad mood giving Cole a cold shoulder. We recently saw an old video of them walking and her basically demanding he drop the fans and attend her. We have the con were Camilla is sexually harassing Cole everywhere and Lili doesn’t shut it down until Camilla tries to grind on him. It was so bad even Mads intervened. We have the interview where she is talking over him or rolling her eyes and basically being the unprofessional brat her fans claim she is not. Even though it’s ON CAMERA. Snapping at your co worker/boyfriend and rolling your eyes during a professional interview is not deniable.

Flashforward to the trip to Italy because for me there was always something off about that. That trip was obviously planned far in advance. Clearly Lili was supposed to be there. Her fans quickly blamed Cole because Lili was working. Lili didn’t have to work. It wasn’t a career changing move to do that film. It did not do well. I’m not entirely sure what was happening around that time but I have the sense Cole was disappointed/a  little angry she prioritized it over him accepting very likely the offer AFTER the trip was planned.

Lili spirals during this time. Cole comes back to clean up mess. They are quiet on social media for a long time then slowly emerge again and eventually get the photo booth shots, the wedding and her mingling with NY friends for once. Turns out close to the end for them.

I don’t want to make this a Sprousehart post though although some relevance to bring part of it up. The point is Lili put her career over her relationship. It was a calculated decision. It was also the wrong decision. Her fans talk about her being this warm giving person but that was a cynical call and a pretty lousy thing to do to your boyfriend of several year’s. I’m all for supportive partners but there are time’s where you make sacrifices if you really care for someone and this was a special trip planned long in advance. She blew it off. If I’m the partner she does this too, I question why I’m putting in the effort if it doesn’t mean to them what it means to me. 

TBH I think the bad choices she made there is why tried to make it up by meeting with his friends, the wedding etc...

Something than clearly happened because by January they were done. Not sure we’ll ever know but it looked like they were trying to fix things given the happiness hadn’t seen on Cole’s faces in a long time in those booth pics and then...it was done. We didn’t know at the time, but this is timeline Cole gave. There was a brief attempt at reconciliation where she babysits him at a photo shoot and posts a photo of them in bed and then shortly after...Cole calls it off. 

He heads to LA, she follows him there but not without making sure to shove Casey’s face into her chest to post and rent a place close to where he is staying. She posts weepy messages about the world ending etc....and weird new photos mimicking old shoots with him so naturally people think this means whatever happened they worked through. Around same time she and hers manipulated her fans to try to cancel him earlier because she misunderstood a picture of Kaia....although flat out if he had been with Kaia he was SINGLE and it was no longer her business.

She tries to walk back the firestorm she unleashed on him by “defending” him from a lesser twitter trend after realizing misconstrued the Kaia picture, All summer she weirdly seems to be trying to avoid the topic if they are together or not despite saying once if they weren’t she’d tell people. She finally puts her foot in her mouth one two many times' and Cole confirms they broke up which she doesn’t acknowledge. Because she doesn’t want to be broken up.

As we know know it wasn’t all rainbows on the set even before all this happened as in the musical she’d launched an object at him hard enough to have the crew concerned. Lili fans keep saying Cole is abusive but the only evidence we have of abuse is her towards him. We also had her suddenly doing a 180 from past 4 year’s and excusing cheating with Archie and promoting everyone in her live recaps except Cole/Jughead.

Back to the events following Cole’s post....then we get a sudden string of interviews taking shots at Cole, doxxing him, implying he could have strayed (just to resurrect hate against him) but can’t say he actually did because she has no proof. We know this because in those chats admit it was just suspicion and paranoia and never did have any names.

We learn that Lili has been funneling news and gossip and photos to keep her mother’s hold on the fandom in check and her mother in turn has been bullying people who would stand on Cole’s side. They sought to ruin him. This is not debatable.

For year’s people had made fun and called Bree out for being an obsessive stalker unable to let a relationship go, then Lili starts doing the same. We know she has tried to copy Ari’s style, her mother made a snide comment about breast size, Lili tried to taunt Ari from on set and Ari shut her down. A girl who almost never was in the line of sight of paps suddenly is snapped everyday following break up even before the public new. That doesn’t just happen. She wanted the attention.

I’m not going to go into all of it, you all know it. Suffice to say revealing she has a bitter vindictive attitude she has submersed herself in ever since Cole made it clear no reunion. She won’t even broach the topic of Bughead/Jughead unless forced. You can spin all you like but the split screens was not an artistic choice by RD. It was spurred by need to keep them apart.

Lili last summer was doing precious little other than a post or two of Black Lives matter and then when Cole gets arrested suddenly she jumps on the me too and sets up impulsive lives. Maybe she meant well but a part of me thinks she did it to attract his attention. Notice once she got praise for it and the initial protests faded she more or less doesn’t bring it up anymore. Cole never intended to get attention, it just happened because he’s a star and got taken in to a jail cell. He never put himself on camera for notice. 

Lili also co-opts the murder of a girl to flaunt she thinks she looks good naked. Completely tone deaf. 

Lili very rarely is seen in fan photos, only usually when she’s getting flack for it online. She, a girl who talks about bullying, went on a  midnight tirade against a guy who dares to critique or poetry setting her fans on him. Then deleted it probably because publicist in her ear.

She first said poems not about Cole, than said you could read into what you wanted to sell them. Now she doesn’t want to talk poetry or sequels because it flopped and was critically panned.

There are constant rumors about Lili on sets of productions to point they even had someone on her newer movie try to downplay. Yet we see in a video the cast barely talking and looking tense on a boat. 

The girl who used to talk about body positivity now lets them airbrush abs onto her.

The girl who used to talk of therapy and mental illness now promotes OTC supplements for $ and cults.

If she mentions cellulite she uses other tik toks of people showing not her own. 

She said she would never be on tik tok, yet now has her own and post old videos that aren’t funny.

Lili once tired to attack Cole by talking about losing yourself in drugs or alcohol or sex yet we’ve seen her drug paraphernalia because she advertises. Her friends post and laugh over her being drunk. She was in an off and on relationship with Wallis that doesn’t seem to be about anything but sex.

We were told Coles friends are bad influences but Taylor is out there solicitating questionable clients and making videos slamming LILI’S COWORKER as a bad actor and his brother,

The majority of Lili’s posts no longer feature Sunny or her family/Addy. 

She insulted Vancouver, compared to a prison, and made it clear her creature comforts were of more importance than a pandemic. Not quite the attitude of an empath. Which she claims she is with intention to be a master which require sucking more gullible people into the cult.

She brags about being a “rich man” without understand the context. She went from artistic photos to modeling pinups to fuel her lack of self esteem.

She’s in her mid 20′s, claims she had grown and matured in the last year but there is no evidence of it. Still can’t work with her ex without buffers which still influences show direction though her fans deny.. Still lives off junk food and hangovers. Those glasses aren’t just for sun. Her timeline is mostly an ode to her vanity with pictures of herself and then her dog. She doesn’t seem to have any causes she’s deeply involved in on the side apart from her cult. She’s still stalking Cole as her impulsive makeup tutorial showed. She said she cut out of her life anyone who doesn’t service her. I highly doubt she is receiving quality therapy on the regular right now. She still does not seem to possess the ability to own her mistakes and apologize when warranted, rather deflects or erases when heat becomes too hot.

The content she puts out about herself post break up is very different than the bill of goods fans were sold before. She is a far cry from that quirky girl next door that stood FOR something more than vanity and shallow affirmation. So no, I don’t see what you see in her stans. Everything that once seemed to distinguish her from other spoilt princesses has long faded. 

[cblgblog]

Sorry I’m advance but one of my other favorite accounts just reblogged a Tony scene and people are talking about Civil War and how it made them Stan Tony, and how when they watch that movie they hate team cap👀 Then someone was all about how he was sleep deprived and how much pressure he was under and couldn’t understand how people didn’t like Tony because. Someone literally said that when someone says they don’t like Tony in Civil War they say “did you watch the same movie as me.” I’m baffled. Oddly enough someone else said, “he just wants to help everyone.” Sorry for the rant but I think people forget about what the accords are and what it would mean for people. Side note, I hope you’re having a great day/night 😀

No sorry needed!

I feel you man, I do. Honestly, I’ve unfollowed people based on similar posts when I was in especially Done moods, so.

Look on the one hand, the movie would’ve been a narrative failure if everyone was in favor of one side or the other, right? The whole point of the damn thing—besides giving the Mouse overlords more money—was to spark discussion, debate. Which, yeah, we’ll call that the tame description for what actually happened. But just, the thing was meant to split the fanbase so in that regard…winning? Thanks, I guess?

Film is also very obviously subjective, different strokes for different folks, so yeah, ten people can watch a movie and none of them are gonna see the exact same film. Let’s try to remember that this is, in theory anyway, a good thing. I just read a professional film review yesterday where I had the same reaction. What film were you watching, dude? Incidentally his reviewing partner said the same thing.

So honestly, no, they weren’t watching the same film as you or I or anyone else, because everyone brings their own biases and experiences and knowledge and interests into a thing, and that’s always going to flavor how it’s viewed. Again, let’s try to remember that this is good. In theory. Heavy on the theory.

That out of the way? Let’s get into Tony specifically so his uber stans can find this and scream at me on anon as though I just shot RDJ with a nuke.

Oh yeah, he was stressed. Oh, he was sleep deprived. Yeah, I’ve heard that. And that it’s Pepper’s fault, if she hadn’t left the poor baby, if she was there to rein him in, he’d be fine dammit, leave the baby alone!

Here’s the thing. You know who gets a pass on their shit behavior when they’re upset or tired? Actual babies. Actual babies and toddlers, and children, up to a point. Because they actually cannot always help themselves. Their bodies and brains are different, they have not learned better.

When you’re a 50-year-old man who’s supposedly the world’s bestest superhero, who wants, wants to be in charge of protecting the whole world? You need a little more self-control than that. The sleep deprived excuse works if you snap at someone before you’ve had your coffee, not for this. Roseanne Barr didn’t get to blame Ambien for her racism, Tony doesn’t get to handwave CW away because oops, I was tired.

Really? You’re a superhero, dude. Most of your teammates are tired too, that’s part of the gig. If you crash and burn this badly without your afternoon nap, fucking hang up the armor and go back to your billionaire playboy lifestyle.

Speaking of that, sure, right. It’s Pepper’s fault because she left him. Put aside the argument on whether that was justified or not (cough, it was and she should’ve stayed away even though they are adorable together). It’s not Pepper’s job to keep Tony sane. It’s not any partner’s job to do that for anyone. If she wants out, she has a right to that, without Tony going off the rails and blaming it on her. Seriously, he says part of the reason he backed the Accords was to “split the difference” with Pepper.

Dude. You were an asshole and you lost your girl. You destroyed all your suits, turned an emotional and mental corner in IM 3…and then relapsed 4 minutes later I guess because Whedon. Either way, Tony admits himself that he does not want to stop. So instead of doing that, or finding another partner who can accept that, you back an unjust international law that pits you against your team, your supposed friends? Go to therapy, have a pint of ice cream, cry into your pillow, send her more of those strawberries you sent her in IM 2 that she’s allergic to. You don’t go trying to change international law in ways that could ultimately affect millions of people because your girl left you.

Honestly—and thank God they didn’t do this but—the only way the Pepper excuse works in excusing his behavior in any way is if she’d died. Or been severely injured like Happy in IM 3. Still wouldn’t be okay, but, like Quill messing up their chance to stop Thanos because Gamora died, it would’ve been more understandable. Understandable, not excusable, and the way the MCU treats their women as manpain fodder, we’re probably legit lucky we didn’t get this.

As for him wanting to help everyone. He does in fact want that, I think. The problem is that his need to feel like he’s doing that is stronger than his rational mind, or his want to actually help in a constructive way.

Tony is too smart. He’s dumb as hell in many instances, mostly involving people and relationships, but he’s also too smart, and he’s been told for too long that he’s smart, and he’s bought into it. Ultron. Suit of armor around the world, protects the world, no more alien threats. It’s a simple concept on paper that fails in execution. So there are people with dangerous powers. Okay, we’ll make a set of laws to keep them from being dangerous, problem solved. But again, it isn’t.

Tony is not used to problems he cannot solve. He’s a genius, right? He can fix anything. He should be able to fix anything. That’s how he feels. But not everything is zeros and ones and circuits, things that can be fixed mechanically like his armors can. The people he wants to protect are not built that way. But he needs to feel like he’s doing something, because he’s terrified of what happens to the world if he doesn’t. So he creates these simple solutions to complex problems. The suit of armor, the Accords. They sound good in theory, but the problems they’re trying to solve are bigger than they are. And Tony, way back in IM 1, he sat back for years, clueless that his weapons were being used for bad things. He says it to Cap in CW. When he found out what his weapons were being used for, he went in and stopped it. Whether or not he should’ve known that already is a separate issue here. The point here is that when he found out, too late or not, he went in and did something about it.

Tony needs to do something about it. Again, go back to Cap in AoU, Tony’s nightmare sequence. Steve asks Tony why he didn’t save them. Tony’s ultimate nightmare is that he sits back and does nothing, and his inaction causes everyone to die. Which is where you get Ultron. Something he came up with because of what he saw in space in Avengers 1, then doubled down on in AoU. It’s where you get the Accords. Oops, he caused someone to die, he killed Charles Spencer. Must do something about that right now so it doesn’t happen again, and he won’t have to feel this guilt. He should be collaborating with others to come up with solutions (no Bruce in AoU doesn’t count because Bruce was dumb there), or at the very least, taking more time to think through the repercussions of the things he puts out there. But he doesn’t, because he’s got his savior complex that tells him that he alone can and must fix this, and because he’s too dumb to realize how not-smart he is in certain areas.

“We need to be put in check. Whatever form that takes, I’m game.”

Isn’t that what he says in CW, or something very close to it? Whatever form that takes. That’s the issue, right there, whatever form that takes. Realistically, yes, there should be laws regarding people with powers, the same way there are special laws pertaining to people who carry guns, or people who are licensed to fly planes. You have a thing/can do a thing that not everyone else does, so there are regulations pertaining to that thing. Laws change with the times, they always have. Some new technology comes up, eventually there will be laws that regulate it. As there should be, honestly. The issue with the Accords, Steve’s issue with the Accords, was not the basic idea. He says as much. He says that it could work, but there would have to be safeguards. Safeguards that are not in the Accords that Tony wants him to sign.

It's not a matter of oh, fuck the law, there should be no law governing these people, they’re above it. The problem is that the law as it’s presented here is unjust. There’s what, a month between Lagos and Ross coming by to tell them about the Accords? A month is not enough time to properly analyze such a big issue, Especially when you’re reacting out of fear, which is what happened with Lagos. People died because of an Enhanced person, an Avenger, in this case. Lawmakers don’t want that to happen again, they especially don’t want the political shit storm that comes with it. Damn, we look like we were asleep at the switch here, not having anything to throw at this problem earlier. Quick, let’s throw together this thing so no one can say we’re not addressing the problem.

Patriot Act of 2001, anyone? 9/11 happened, the public were rightfully terrified, the US said oh man, these are unprecedented circumstances, we’ve never had this before. Don’t worry though, we’re on this, we’re protecting you. The reality being that that bill simply gave the government too much power, most of it being used against people who were not actually threats, and it’s debatable, to say the very least, whether or not that law helped more than it hurt.

No law is perfect. No law ever will be. It’s not possible. We still have to strive for perfection though, have to aim there so that the laws we get are as close to fair as possible. Tony’s a big deal. If not for his “whatever form that takes” attitude, he might’ve been able to use his influence to pressure lawmakers into coming up with a fairer bill. Hey, I’m me, the public loves me, I will endorse this bill publicly and work on getting the rest of the team to sign, but you need to change this and this and this first, or no deal. Instead, he took the easy way out, the quickest, easiest way for him to feel like he’s atoned for his sins without actually doing anything. Whatever form that takes.

Tony’s not wrong because he backs the creation of a law that addresses these things. He’s wrong because he says himself that he does not care what that law does, specifically, so long as it exists. He’s wrong because he violates said law upteen times during the movie, while preaching to team Cap about what assholes they are for not backing it. He’s wrong because he cares more about feeling as though he’s tackled a problem than he does about taking the time to make sure that the thing he’s proposing is actually a good idea. He’s wrong because of what he does with Bucky, though that’s honestly a separate issue, for the purposes of this discussion.

Anyway, that was longer than I ever wanted it to be. Damn. Next time you see a comment about CW being the reason people stan Tony, just remember there are other people out there who stopped stanning Tony because of that movie. Everyone’s entitled to see a piece of media however they see it, and although the Tony stans are often the loudest, there are plenty of like-minded people out there who share your take on events. Block who you need to, unfollow who you need to, blacklist what you need to, and don’t let them get you down.

Hang in there, and have an awesome day :)

#pro steve rogers #pro team cap #anti tony stark #anti tony stans #anti iron man #anti team iron man

[the-ghost-king]

different anon but i know this is a little more what you hc for nico and i adore it and maybe the other anon will too: headcanons for nb nico who is fairly fem? idk feminine nb nico makes me so happy 🥰 i love that you make a fair amount of content for it i truly love to see it on my dash, i appreciate you so much

Firstly, thank you for the compliments; and yes anon, you would be correct, femby Nico is something I'm so down for:

So originally Nico doesn't know he's trans, he doesn't even know the word trans exists

He's one of those people who is like "most people don't care about gender it's not a big deal it doesn't matter" and he's quite confused when people enforce rules based off of sex/gender

He's stands there going, "okay?? but it doesn't matter?? it's not real??"

Gender just straight up confuses him

Anyhow, I think Nico definitly gets his further slightly more in depth explaination of queerness from Will, and Will is like "yeah then trans people-" or maybe Will is trans and tells him after they've been dating a short while

Either way Nico is like "oh, that's cool!"

Anyhow Nico doesn't really think about it for a long time, and kind of carries on without thinking about gender much.

If Will is trans in this as well, then Nico learns more about himself through learning about Will's gender... But if Will's not trans then maybe Nico finds out Lou Ellen is trans (I have a whole bunch of trans Lou Ellen and trans Will headcanons I need to write with Cecil too)

Anyhow basically Nico knows someone who's trans and there's a conversation of gender at some point where Nico's like "but gender isn't real?" or something similoar because he just doesn't understand the idea of feeling male or feeling female, it confuses him

So eventually he has a conversation with some friends who are cis, and he realizes that even they know they're a boy or girl, and so Nico is confused because "why does everyone have this figured out?"

So he starts asking more questions, and finds out about nonbinary and he gets nervous because he knows Will likes boys, but what if Will won't like him anymore because he's not 100% a guy

So he does eventually work up the courage to tell Will how he might be feeling and Will is super chill about the whole thing and he's like "Nico I like boys and girls, and most of all I like you" and Nico's happy because Will isn't going to break up with him

Anyhow they have a long conversation where Willl is like "please don't worry about coming to me with stuff I love you very much okay?"

Eventually Nico begins to try out different pronouns but just when alone with Will because he's not comfortable telling everyone yet

He decides he likes he/him, but she/her is nice too, and he dables in xe/xem pronouns but he has mixed feelings on them

In my last trans Nico post I said Nico would like alternating pronouns but maybe I don't think so... I think he would tell people what pronouns he wanted when/what day or he would say "you can use he/him or she/her" or something

and some people would use one set, and some people the other, and some people would mix his pronouns

So Nico starts getting more involved in fashion around this point

Mitchell and him are friends and Mitchell's dad is a fashion designer so free stuff!

Anyhow Nico finds all of this stuff fun, and eventually one day she gets the courage to try a skirt on and it quickly becomes her favorite type of clothing

Nico likes to wear skirts with tights and combat boots

Nico also falls in love withe leggings because "they're just so soft!"

He never really comes out he kind of just chooses to live life and if people know or find out whatever

Like he'll be somewhere with Jason and someone would ask for her pronouns and she'd be like "he/him or she/her is fine" and Jason is getting whiplash from how fast he turned his head to look at Nico and Jason's stumbling over "he/him" while looking at Nico because he wants to say congrats so bad

Or maybe Will is like "my girlfriend" and Percy's like "you have a girlfriend too?" and Will's like "no??? I mean Nico??" and Percy is confused af because he didn't even know people could be gay until recently- but people can be trans too?

(Percy has his own gender questioning that happens, although a bit smaller and he decides he/they and that dresses and heels are fun)

So Nico's friends all eventually know but they just sort of find out rather than a big coming out (this is how they all found out Nico was gay too, Nico was like “yeah so me and Will Solace are dating” or “my boyfriend” because Nico has a hard time saying “I’m gay” or “I’m trans” so he finds ways around it to make himself more comfortable).

Nico struggles a little bit with the concept, not as much as he did with being gay but there’s still obsticales there for him to overcome

When Hades finds out he’s just like “mhmm good for you okay love you… daughter?” and that makes Nico happy because he’s still trying to be a good dad

Anyhow immediately after Nico leaves Hades runs to find Dionysus or Apollo and is like “trans what does it mean? Daughter was the correct word right? I’m sorry tucking is what now??”

He’s confused af but also supportive af

“Nobody says that about my son-err daughter?”

“Both are fine, Papa”

And Will and Reyna are in the background silently giving Hades thumbs ups

Sometimes Hades buys Nico weird shit and is like “it’s for your gender” and Nico doesn’t need the stuff but his dad cares so she appreciates it

Dionysus is super chill about the whole thing when he hears it through the grapevine (ha!) and he’s like “new name or same one kid?”

Nico’s like “oh um, same name, just new pronouns”

And Dionysus is like “great sit your ass down you have therapy to do”

(Dionysus always gets trans kids name right and never even jokingly messes it up so he always asks)

Also, Nico loves little hair clips, you know the little ones that tik tokers wear? Yeah those he has hundreds of them!

Cloth headbands are also her best friend, she has so many of them… (they’re like square cloth pieces you tie and wrap a specific way and roll your hair around it… I don’t know the right word they were popular in the 50s)

Nico ends up growing out his hair because he likes being able to put it in a messy bun on top of his head and he likes having it in braids down his back too

She learns to do makeup from Hazel (Hazel had a makeup face and likes kpop I don’t take criticism on that) and it looks great tbh

Also in public all the time when people see Nico they’re like “Boy? Girl?”

And he’s like “yeah both is good, but also neither, I have all the genders and also no gender”

And Will’s standing in the background laughing his ass off at the confused look the cashier has on their face

Just imagine Nico and Will’s kids calling Nico both Mama and Papa interchangeably ~

She does end up changing her name from Nicolò to just Nico because Nico is gender neutral

So much jewelry… so much of it, Nico loves it

Nico ends up getting a leather jacket with “give us our roses while we’re here” printed/painted on the back of it and little roses built into the actual jacket as well

Nico always seems to have some new hair length going on, like sometimes her hair is down to her waist, sometimes it’s at her shoulders, and other times she has a mullet, while other times she has an eboy cut

He ends up dying his hair all the time, at first he does gold and silver highlights in really small spots so it looks like his hair sparkles with glitter when he moves

After that Nico does half of her head in blonde and the other side in black like a split down the middle type dye

And he ends up drying his hair a swirled blue and pink color as well when it’s short

When he grows his hair out long, he dyes it with the little egirl dye in the front

She also does that thing where you have a rainbow under your hair and a normal color on top

Nico gets an undercut at one point where she leaves enough in the center top to put it up in a bun or leave it down to her shoulders

He dies his hair a blue-green one time while lit’s long too and Will gets an ombre at the same time using his natural blonde and a bubble gum pink in his like “bangs” area (Will has like a halo of pink hair when he does that dye)

And yeah idk I’m out of ideas but nonbinary Nico is great actually

#nico di angelo #pjo #hoo #will solace #solangelo #enby nico #Nonbinary nico

[number-one-radio-simp]

Possibly another adopted by tokomaru hcs but if they were all adopted together?

I gotchu~

~ Mod Noire

"We'll Save You"

(TokoMaru x Platonic!Warriors Of Hope)

They heard that they were going to be adopted by Komaru and Toko, and were all instantly ":O" faced.

Masaru and Nagisa immediately take on the protective roles of the rest, stepping in front of them at all times, as if ready to accept a beating in order to protect the others.

This deeply saddens Toko, who reassures all five kids that they have nothing to worry about.

Monaca gets shunned for a while by the other four, despite deeply regretting all she had done to them prior.

This is intervened by Komaru, who stages a mini "intervention", so to speak. She basically allows Monaca to express her regret, and the other Warriors to hear her out.

"Deal with it." - Komaru, in the middle of a peaceful argument with Toko.

Masaru, surprisingly, broke down crying, and the other Warriors were not happy.

Kotoko WAS READY TO THROW HANDS-

Honestly, if it weren't for Monaca and Nagisa, both Komaru and Toko would have probably gotten killed by Kotoko's wrathful self-

Jataro was the comfort to Masaru, and Monaca joined in on that after mediating the fight.

If anyone says the word "gentle", I kid you not, Nagisa socks them in the jaw so fast-

NOBODY gets to hurt HIS little sister. His words, not mine.

Kotoko helps Monaca bedazzle her wheelchair with cute jewels, stickers, and googly eyes!

The first time a Warrior called one of them "mom", it was completely an accident.

And it was, surprisingly enough, Jataro who said it.

Toko was helping Jataro sew up his mask after it had come apart, when he blurted it out.

"Thank you, M-M-Mom."

Toko's heart felt like it could burst right then and there.

But it shattered when he began apologizing for it.

"I-I'm sorry, I don't know what g-g-got into me... I didn't mean t-to... I'll never s-say it again, I p-p-promise..."

Toko hugged him so tight, she almost squeezed the oxygen out of him.

"N-No! No! I like that you see me as your mom, because that's what I a-am now!"

Jataro was confused. All his life, his mother hadn't wanted him. The idea that someone did, especially someone so kind and sweet, baffled him. It just seemed so foreign to him, and the warm affection almost seemed to burn.

"N-N-Naegi-San, too?"

"Yes! Naegi-San is happy to be your mom, too! We love you! We both love all of you!"

The first secret came from Monaca, where she revealed that she had faked her disability. She was willing to give up the faking, but wanted to keep her wheelchair for comfort. Komaru agreed to this, and allowed her to keep her wheelchair as a comfort item.

Kotoko and Nagisa were a bit upset about that, but they eventually forgave Monaca, understanding that she only used it to obtain sympathy enough to escape from the abuse of her brother and father. Masaru and Jataro forgave her right away.

Nagisa revealed once that he was getting picked on in school, and that he wanted to be homeschooled because of it.

Genocide Jack was NOT HAVING IT.

He showed up at the school, and threatened the kids' lives with scissors had a talk with them.

That was when Nagisa realized that he really could depend on the two women. He did begin to show affection, albeit in his own kuudere way, much more often.

For example, he was a lot less snarky when correcting their grammar, math, etc., and he genuinely smiles and compliments them all the time.

Kotoko gave the first hug. She was so overwhelmed with emotion, that she shamelessly, unapologetically hugged both Komaru and Toko!

Uncle. Makoto. Is. Their. Favorite. Person. In. The. History. Of. Everything.

NOW, LET'S GET INTO HOLIDAYS WITH THIS FAMILY-

Komaru and Toko totally put all five of the kids in therapy for their trauma.

None of them are upset with it, though. They actually appreciate it.

New Year's is a surprisingly fun holiday with this family!

Kotoko, Masaru, and Monaca stay up to watch the ball drop with Komaru!

Nagisa, Jataro, and Toko are all out before eleven o'clock.

The four that are awake do fun things while waiting for the ball to drop!

For example, Monaca reads them her favorite books! She takes requests, though, and if one of them requests a specific story, she will try her best to read it. Komaru makes sure not to request anything too difficult for someone her age.

Masaru gets them all to play ping-pong with spoons and mini cupcakes.

The rounds are as follows: Masaru vs. Monaca, Masaru vs. Kotoko, Masaru vs. Komaru, Komaru vs. Monaca, Komaru vs. Kotoko, and Kotoko vs. Monaca.

Kotoko paints all their nails. Yes, even Masaru's. Masaru genuinely doesn't care, and he wants his the brightest, boldest red color she has. Komaru goes for a paler green. Monaca goes for bright green. Kotoko gets her nails painted by Masaru and Monaca; one hand for each of them.

Kotoko ends up with a half pink, half black handset, courtesy of Monaca and Masaru, respectively.

Toko and the others are disappointed that they missed all the festivities, but Komaru reassures them that there's always next year.

Valentine's Day is another fun holiday for them!

Jataro saves up all his allowance for almost four months in order to buy everyone presents!

Precious babey-

Jataro ends up giving Komaru a Ouija board, tuna eyeballs, and a new electric fan to talk to.

Yes, Jataro has witnessed her strange habits, and is curious of them.

He gets Toko a little clip-on nightlight to help her through her fear of the dark. She clips it to her shirt twenty-four-seven, and always makes sure that it has batteries.

Masaru is given a cool red basketball with his name written in white letters. He never plays with it, though, preferring to keep it in a safe place, where it won't get dirty or broken.

Nagisa is gifted a large encyclopedia. It's a simple gift, but he appreciates it, and gives Jataro a long, genuine hug.

He gifts Kotoko with a cute book with kawaii, adorbs stickers. Surprise, surprise, everybody wakes up with their faces stickered, and there are stickers all along the walls, floors, and appliances. Anybody who comes over thinks it's cute, and that only encourages Kotoko to "spread [her] adorbs-ness everywhere"!

He gives Monaca a sewing machine, because Monaca had brought up her love of fashion. He thought that maybe she would want to design her own. Monaca burst into tears, exclaiming that she felt so selfish for accepting a gift from someone she used to treat so cruelly. Of course, Jataro reassures her that that's in the past, and they're siblings now. Monaca ends up with a soft smile, and hugging the life out of a very blushy, flustered Jataro.

When St. Patrick's Day rolls around, Monaca puts her Valentine’s Day present to use! She makes cute green outfits for everyone, and takes their senses of style into account. Masaru's is designed like a jersey, Kotoko's has lots of glitter and frills, Komaru's and Toko's are designed like schoolgirl uniforms, Nagisa's is formally styled, Jataro's is leathery, and her own looks steampunk.

Kotoko convinces everyone to go look for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, or at least some leprechauns.

They didn't find any. :(

April Fool's Day is a D A N G E R O U S day to exist, as long as they live with Masaru.

Masaru is basically a miniature Kokichi Ouma when it comes to pranks.

He switched the sugar for salt once, and Kotoko ended up sick for two weeks, considering she eats too much of it, and probably eats it in spoonfuls.

Mother's Day is a fun one! They split Mother's Day up into five days, that way each kid got to spend time with each mother.

On the first day, Toko took Masaru to a basketball game that she had scored third-row tickets to prior to Mother's Day. He cheered so loud, and it warmed her heart to see his joy at her surprise. Masaru ended up giving her a pack of colored chalk for her to write on her chalkboard with. Komaru ended up taking Nagisa to watch Harry Potter in a theater with her, after realizing they had both read the book. In return, he gave her a meal of tuna eyeballs that he cooked, himself. They weren't perfect, but... he tried. :'3

On day two, Toko took Nagisa to go write short stories together. They googled writing prompts, and each used the same one to comprise a story of under five thousand words in ten minutes. Then, they judged and gave constructive criticism to one another. He gave her high-quality pens to write down her ideas with. Meanwhile, Komaru took Jataro to plant a garden of vegetables in the backyard, and tend to it everyday. Sometimes, Jataro talks to their plants when he feels lonely. He gave her a pretty rock. Again, he tried. :'3

On day three, Toko took Jataro on a food tour, where she drove around and they got a small snack from every food place they drove past, eventually ending up with a whole big meal! He gave her a pretty flower. All the while, Komaru took Kotoko to a fashion show where they showcased pretty glittery idol clothes and lolita clothes. She gave Komaru a song she had written in her honor. Yes, Kotoko actually spent weeks writing a song for Komaru, and even got the other Warriors to play the instruments for the music. Masaru played guitar, Nagisa played the piano, Jataro played the drums, and Monaca played the bass. Of course, Kotoko was the vocalist. (Band AU?)

On day four, Toko took Kotoko to a Morning Musume concert. I swear, everyone must have had bleeding ears from how loud Kotoko screamed for it. She ended up getting an autograph and a picture with Tanaka Reina, so she was a very, very happy girl. She gave Toko a pink card that had a painted sweet message on it and was practically swimming in pink glitter. Meanwhile, Komaru took Monaca to play video games and order Monaca's favorite food. It was something simple, but something Monaca really appreciated. They played Pac-Man, Super Smash Bros., Sonic The Hedgehog, and Crash Bandicoot. And they had tons of fun. Monaca gave her a cute new outfit, made in steampunk design, that she made, herself.

On day five, Toko took Monaca to a planetarium, where they looked at all the beautiful constellations. Monaca, being the smart cookie she is, told her all their names, what they represented, etc.! And at night, they went stargazing for real, Monaca pointing out her favorite constellations again. Monaca gave Toko an invention of hers: a program she designed that filters out spelling errors, grammar errors, etc., and suggests new ideas when writer's block comes around. Meanwhile, Komaru took Masaru to play laser tag! Komaru got "shot" sixteen times, while Masaru got "shot" three times. The two made jokes about it the entire way home, and it was just an overall fun day. He gave her the baseball that he had batted to hit the final, winning home run in his last game. It was the only winning baseball he had ever hit, so Komaru felt quite special receiving the gift.

Now, onto Father's Day~!

Genocide Jack takes an hour to spend with each kid!

He plays soccer, basketball, and baseball with Masaru for the first hour!

He reads stuffy, boring novels with Nagisa for the second hour.

He cooks the best, most fanciest meal with Jataro for the third hour!

He acts out movie and show scenes with Kotoko for the fourth hour.

He helps Monaca make inventions and sew for the fifth hour!

He refuses all of their gifts in return, however, as he doesn't believe that children who have been hurt in the past, just as Toko herself was, should be allowed to pay homage to adults.

Despite them not technically being his kids, he cares enough to step into that role for them, Toko and Komaru allowing him to do so.

The fourth of July is great!

Genocide Jack brings up the idea of taking the kids to a carnival for it, to which Toko and Komaru agree.

They all get facepaints, funnel cakes, and they ride all the rides!

They play most of the games as well, and win eight or nine stuffed animals!

It becomes an annual tradition to take the kids to the carnival for the Fourth Of July!

For Halloween, of course they're all the cutest things!

Masaru is Yasutaka Okayama. Nagisa is Albert Einstein. Jataro is Frankenstein's Monster. Kotoko is a Fairy Princess. Monaca is female Izuku Midoriya.

Kotoko has no issue using her cuteness to get extra candy.

When Thanksgiving rolls around, it's always fun!

Toko and Komaru prepare dinner the night before, while the Warriors aren't allowed downstairs. They have to call if they want something, like water, and there is a bathroom in the attic.

In the morning, when the actual cooking happens, Kotoko and Masaru beg to help, but only Nagisa is allowed to, because Nagisa is the responsible one.

Even so, they invite their family members that they are still in touch with, such as Uncle Makoto, Aunt Kyoko, Aunt Aoi, Uncle Byakuya, Uncle Yasuhiro, and even Genocide Jack makes his "grand appearance".

Honestly, it shouldn't even be surprising at this point.

Christmas is another fun time!

They do Secret Santa, but Komaru and Toko make sure that they get each other.

Masaru gets Jataro; he ends up getting Jataro a whole new array of spices and flavorings for his cooking hobby! Jataro appreciates this greatly, and uses it whenever he cooks.

Nagisa gets Kotoko; he gets her a toy microphone that works like a real one, just on a smaller scale. Nagisa can now consider himself the reason "One Room Sugar Life" is belted through the house at two in the morning every day.

Jataro gets Monaca; he buys her a whole stack of fashion magazines with her beloved Big Sis Junko in them, along with new fabric to sew with. She appreciates the gifts, and assures Jataro that he can revel in despair with her when she obtains it.

Monaca gets Masaru; she gifts him with a ping-pong set, a table tennis set, and an air hockey set. Masaru is surprised that she cared enough, to which Monaca replies, "Monaca is a changed person now. Monaca cares about you now."

Birthdays are the same as Christmas, but all their efforts focus on that one person.

They grow to all love each other very much, and all of them would happily die in defense of the others.

Monaca even eventually gives up on her obsession with Junko, hope, and despair, with their help.

All the Warriors will forever appreciate everything that Toko and Komaru have done for them.

Overall, just a completely wholesome family.

#tokomaru #lesbian tokomaru #danganronpa ultra despair girls #ultra despair girls #daimon masaru #masaru daimon #shingetsu nagisa #nagisa shingetsu #kemuri jataro #jataro kemuri #utsugi kotoko #kotoko utsugi #towa monaca #monaca towa #warriors of hope #ship tokomaru #found family #requested #request #send me requests #requests open

[demenior]

Dem’s Big Post About The Spn Fics Part 1/2

aka The Wrap Up to celebrate To Exist Again and To Become a Man now being finished!

(This will be a long post. This is your only warning.)

Admittedly this is a bit of a weird thing to be doing, but I wanted to try it out for 3 reasons: 

I love talking about my own work and 

It functions really well as a self-reflective tool for me to improve on, and 

I can answer some big questions people might have because there was a LOT of worldbuilding in these stories. 

We’ll start off with reflective stuff, and move into the juicier world-building focused stuff later into the post. There will be major spoilers for both fics to come!

To begin with a funny anecdote, Why Did I Write These Stories?

I was beginning to write and work out the story that I wanted to write for Spn (what will now be To Destroy a Man. As I was writing the scene, I realized I had a LOT of ideas and while I was trying to avoid as much exposition as I could, it became quickly apparent that I was needing to create my own au (this scene eventually became chapter 34 of To Become a Man). A short prequel seemed like a good idea, to quickly hash out the ‘prior’ events that I needed to go through so all the readers could be on the same page. While plotting out prequel points, I realized Sam and Dean were going to have drastically different experiences during the same time period, and I was trying to figure out who’s pov would be better for which scenes, and how to keep momentum when they’re going through such radically different types of changes. Ultimately I decided to split their povs, which I also thought would be a fun project! And I naively assumed each pov would take about 2 chapters each, rounding out to maybe 15k total.

I had my ending points: Dean n Cas soul-merged and (basically) married, Cas on the lam from heaven and a complete anomaly, and Sam juiced up full of powers and a weird mix of archangel and antichrist but still 100% human and ready to fight God. 

Now I needed to add weight to these changes, so I wrote 200k of build-up.

Am I proud of these fics?

OF COURSE I AM!!! These are the longest fics I’ve ever written AND finished AND in the fastest freakin turnaround ever (both were finished writing, barring edits, in like 6 months holy shit)

I didn’t write a single scene that I “didn’t” want to write. If I had trouble writing it, as in it was fighting me, I scrapped it. Most obviously was the scene in Dean’s pov where he and Sam were intended to meet some other hunters and Dean declines working with them because he’s nervous about being outed as queer. It was meant to be a good scene! I wanted to introduce some new characters! But it just wasn’t working so I said ‘thank you, next!’. 

But it means this story was an absolute joy to write. Because for a while all I was doing was ‘if I wanted to write one scene into supernatural, what would I write?’ and then just DID that!! It’s why there’s a lot of ‘Salmondean do dumb shit or have really dumb heartfelt conversations’ scenes.

Would I change anything?

If I’d been less eager to start sharing, I might have planned out the story beats a little tighter so there were less ‘soft’ chapters and a draw/pull for people to come back and keep reading. I felt Dean’s story specifically lagged at points and could have used some tighter editing (there was a noticeable lull in directed movement between Dean n Cas getting together, until Sam corrupts Amy).

I also probably would have held Sam’s story until I’d finished Dean’s so I could make the two line up better! Probably could have inserted more scenes into Sam’s fic that way, and made sure things were a little more consistent. In an ideal world one concept I had was to release 1 chapter from each pov every week that would correspond to the same time frame so we’d be getting real-time SalmonDean pov narrative. Unfortunately that didn’t work!

The biggest takeaway overall is for me to focus more on what moves the plot, and to make my scenes do more than 1 thing so I can cut down on wordcount and increase my efficiency. 

Of course every writer will find things they want to fix in anything they’ve ever written, so these are minor “mistakes” at best. I’m so dang proud of these fics. 

Onto more interesting things!

How Did I Put These Fics Together (because it’s different than anything I’ve ever done before)

Normally when I write a story, I plan out the beats I need to hit, see where I need to insert any kind of foreshadowing/buildup, and then write from A to B to C and so on and so forth. Hence, this is why I can normally post things as I complete chapters, because it’s all a linear progression. 

For these two stories, rather than linear plot/a normal story structure, I just sat and free-wrote any and every scene that came to mind and then pieced them into a kinda-linear form like putting a quilt together. You’ll note that this is why there’s not a lot of internal callback or a feeling of sense of time flowing within the fic (save for points where I went back and specifically edited it in). How long does the story take place over? Hard to say! Your author has the barest grasp on linear time even on a good day (how many times did I say ‘see you on [wrong day]’ at the end of chapters lmaaoooo)

This also meant EXTENSIVE editing on the back end once I decided in what order I wanted my ‘quilt pieces’ to be. Hard to say if this is a bonus or a negative!

But I did want to try and capture the vibe of the lives they lead, as a bit of a ‘slice of life’-style story, when the slice of life is the profound weirdness of the Winchester roaming life, and how things are status quo- until everyone almost dies oh shit!! And then they have to keep living because no therapy we die/undie like Winchesters. Do I think I captured this effectively? Hmm. Good question. 

Dem where the FUCK did the inspiration for a lot of the magic and creature weirdness even come from?

Honestly? Music, primarily. And completely mishearing lyrics!

Nightwish ‘Ever Dream’: the line is ‘my song can but borrow you grace’ and because my brain is scrambled eggs on a good day, I heard ‘grace’ ‘song’ and ‘borrow’ in that order and have had, for YEARS, the mental image of Cas borrowing Dean’s soul to power himself up for battle.

From there I’ve always been enamored with the ‘wavelength of celestial intent’ descriptor that Cas drops in s6 for “what he is”. 

I also really like ocean metaphors mostly because I’ve been obsessed with the ocean and things in it since I was like… 5??? So really this was me just rolling with what I know lmao. I love using (somewhat) accurate scientific metaphors for very intangible things!

I was also finishing my degree in biology/ecology while writing these fics and I think it shows

Stars ‘The Night Starts Here’ gives us the series title and the fic titles. Except for ‘To Exist Again’. TEA was almost titled ‘The Upwards Fall’ because I wanted all 3 of the Main Stories to have titles from this song, but I couldn’t make anything else work in tandem with the series name ‘The Love It Takes’ while also working for Sam’s personal story. So Sam, as always, is the rebel <3

Stars ‘Up In Our Bedroom, After The War’ is basically the vibes of the whole story. TFW has been, literally, to hell and back!!! There’s a bit of melancholy and sadness, a lingering dark, but the chance of a bright new tomorrow and a soft start.

Let’s Talk About Themes in The Story! What were you looking to accomplish? 

My earliest notes for TFW are, as follows:

Dean’s journey of self-discovery (who am I when I’m not trying to be Dad?)

Dean wants to settle down! He wants a big family! He wants to be domestic!

Basically: Dean doesn’t want to have a short life of hunting. He wants to live!

Dean’s journey of realizing he’s bi, and him accepting that

Dean’s relationship to Sam is both older brother/parent 

And continuing Dean balancing these roles while also letting Sam be an adult 

Dean’s Big Issues/Fears about never being good enough for people to want to stay with him (these are effectively highlighted in that Cas thinks he’s not useful enough to be wanted)

Sub Plot:

Castiel’s autonomy

Cas’ fall from grace, to trying to restore Heaven, to wrecking it further

He’s majorly depressed by the end of s7 (before purgatory)

Wants to stay in Purgatory but doesn’t tell Dean

Remains depressed after leaving, but resolved to keep living on because he’s clearly meant for something

After the seraphim reveal: does he have free will?! How does he grapple with this? How does he live in a way he can be proud of?

And lastly

Sam gets his powers back CAUSE THATS HOT

where tf did they go????

he got them from Lucifer?????

sleeper agent??????

Sam is The Chosen One

Accepts that he is More Than Human and to celebrate all parts of him

Lucifer and Sam friends?? Work together????

Sam needs autonomy in his choices/his life

If you compare these to the overall arc of TFW within the two stories, I think I got a lot of them! But you’ll also note a lot of these things aren’t concrete goals that are easily measurable (ex: Dean wants to learn to bake pie. In chapter 1 he starts a fire in the kitchen. By the end of the story he finally makes A Good Pie.) part of the lack of concrete milestones was why I felt it was important to tell Dean (and Cas’) story by going back to the point they meet, in s4! Dean’s gradual change towards his feelings for Cas, his relationship to Sam (heavily influenced by the s7 events of this fic) and then his own relationship with himself were such slow burns that I felt it would be a disservice to try and cram a change like that into a timeline like “1 year”.

I felt like these subtle changes and adjustments actually felt a lot truer to life-- people often change in very small, gradual ways over time, even without realizing it and often times not consistently! If only we could all gain skills like the sims, where we can easily level up and remain at that high level of performance! 

So the Guy Who Ate Satan, A Celestial Nuke that Developed Sentience, and Dean walk into a bar…

Sam’s story in Spn The Show has always been a ‘chosen one’ kind of narrative. Sam is living with one foot in the realm of the monsters, and I wanted to bring that back full force! It really makes sense for him that he should only continue to grow in power, might, and magic!! As the story progresses.

Cas also got a power up! I do desperately love in the show that he was kind of a grunt/nothing angel, and so even when he defected to TFW he was a huge help for them, but in the scale of things he was an annoying fly to most other angels. It really worked for the underdog story of s4/5. In this I wanted to give him a power up, and originally it was actually going to be close contact with Sam that eventually changed Cas into something unknown (you can still see traces of this in ch34 of TBAM, where Death remarks ‘Castiel could be [Sam’s] first creation’. But for a combo of reasons: how Sam’s magic needed to have intent, the entire concept of free will and consent, and how much I wanted Dean and Cas to have their effect on each other, I decided to go with the route that Cas has actually always been something angel-adjacent rather than becoming something new. TFW/Supernatural has always been about free will and making your own story, so I amplified that with Cas.

Dean has always been A Normal Guy, which is part of the appeal of him and Sam (2 normal dudes!) taking on the Very Not Normal. As explained above, Sam’s story is ‘normal guy finds out he’s the chosen one’ and so, in a story about very large concepts and huge monsters and acts of magic, I felt it was very important to keep Dean as normal as possible. To the point it became a running gag to me, personally, in that ‘no matter what cool shit happens around him, Dean has to stay as Just A Guy’. And it’s a very humanizing role that allows the story to have the scale it does!

What were the most important themes in your story?

Sam’s Autonomy

I wasn’t even going to include the plot about Lucifer’s death in this story— that was going to come up in a later story, actually! And rather than Sam having ate Lucifer, the original idea was that they’d become a SamandLucifer entity (this harkens back to a concept I wanted to write when Swan Song first aired). 

That storyline would have involved a lot of mental ‘Sam and Lucifer discuss what it means to live, which one of them is more worthy of life and if they do deserve to destroy the world for the pain they’ve been forced to go through, just to create the dichotomy of good and evil for everyone else’ discussions. There would be a lot of talk about how Sam hates and fears Lucifer for the pain Lucifer put on Sam, how Lucifer hates Sam because he and Sam are the same but Sam’s brother loves him anyways, etc. 

Ultimately that was scrapped because Sam’s entire story in the show is always about how the world and everyone around him manipulates him and that he never actually gets to make choices about his own life or body that aren’t influenced or part of someone elses’ design. And that always bothered me that Sam was never allowed to be himself without having to be ashamed of it, and I wanted to make sure that Sam’s triumph of being proud of himself/proudly choosing to exist (again) was evident in his story

In the end I needed Sam to have this visceral win over his tormentor. As the story shows, in this case Lucifer was abused and put into a position where he was incapable of empathy and could only express himself in violence. Sam even understands this! But it doesn’t change the fact that Lucifer tortured Sam in unimaginable ways for thousands of years. 

With that in mind I didn’t like the idea of Lucifer and Sam having “co-ownership” of their new identity, so I made the choice that Sam had to be the survivor. This tied in well with Sam’s new crusade to restore free will to the universe, because he’s breaking the narrative of his own story!

While Castiel wasn’t a pov character, his own autonomy and free will was equally as important. You’ll note that many, many paragraphs and conversations revolved around that theme and that in the end Cas followed himself (and love!) which ensured his freedom of self <3

The Brothers are WEIRD PEOPLE!!!! And Codependent to a Worrying Degree, but It’s Also How They Survive

It’s very hard to show “unusual” relationships when you’re writing from the pov of the two people who don’t think there’s anything weird about their relationship. Sure, they say ‘yeah it’s probably weird that we still share a bed’ but that’s kinda more in line with ‘I had a nightmare and I want to be close to the person who makes me feel safe’. Hashtag normalize co-sleeping when you need it!!!

From there I did try to point out how the boys have a weird perception of lifestyle in the little things they did. 

From thrifting everything from clothes to appliances to books (thrifting is a valid lifestyle! It’s incredibly handy when you’re on a budget.) 

To never actually having condiments or knowing how to use a dishwasher cause they’ve lived in a car, a motel room, or squatted in old houses their whole life.

I tried to have them wear each others’ clothes or casually swap things as much as possible. They live out of each others’ pockets!

Also the brothers are just weird people!! It’s hard to show from their pov, cause they don’t know how far off from normal they are, but like…

Everything about Sam and Amelia was NOT right like holy shit those two were wilding in their grief. They are very lucky things worked out for them and that they got to be hashtag Weird Girls together

Dean explicitly, in the story, gets horny after killing stuff!! Violence has done a number on his psyche and he’s gotten some wires crossed that maybe shouldn’t have been, or maybe could be worked out in a safe space but… uh… how likely do we think Dean is gonna go find a safe space to deal with any of his shit???

LOVE!!! Love is truly what this whole story is all about

If you’ve read the stories, you know how much emphasis I put on love. Love is the strongest force in the Spn Universe! It’s what averted the apocalypse and saved the world (Swan Song), it’s what created free will (Cas’ entire arc!) I love love!!!!

I went out of my way to not put any definitions on platonic love vs romantic love because I think love is love is love and how you express that is the difference. Neither is more powerful than the other because LOVE is powerful!! Sam and Cas are the most important people in Dean’s life and he loves them equally! He shows this by giving Cas kisses and stealing Sam’s socks.

It’s a personal pet peeve of mine when I have to hear explanations like ‘I love you, like a brother’ or ‘I love you, but like, as a friend because I’m a lesbian and you’re a man’ etc etc in media. If you have to continuously define how your characters love each other, then I don’t think you’re doing a good job of portraying their relationship. So you’ll see that I never put those parameters in any conversation. Dean DOES muse that he loves Cas differently than he loves Sam or Bobby, specifically because there is a romantic and sexual tone that his feelings for Cas takes, but not because he loves Cas more or less than he loves Sam or Bobby.

Which means, if you haven’t realized it yet, the Series + Fic Titles are meant to be a complete sentence because the power of love IS the thesis of this series:

The Love It Takes To Exist Again (Sam’s journey!)

The Love It Takes To Become a Man (Dean’s journey!)

The Love It Takes To Destroy a Man (TBA)

And now for fun stuff. Behind the scenes!!

What’s Something People Probably Don’t Know?

The demonic fungal/hydrothermal vent growth on Sam’s arm was thrown in literally as I was posting the chapter because I had just finished a 48 hour cram session of writing a report on tube worms for an ecology class (I was chanting my tube worm song as I wrote it) and it ended up being a HUGE hit with both readers and myself. But it was so last minute I had trouble fitting it in more throughout the rest of Sam’s story!

Cas’ orders? That may or may not have bound him to Dean and removed his free will? Were written into Sam’s story and I went ‘oh SHIT that’s compelling’ and then left them there as a ‘guess I’ll figure that out when I get to Dean’s story lol’

Originally Dean and Cas were supposed to get together after having their souls bonded, and have been in a UST limbo the entire time before that. Mostly because I think the entire concept of ‘we just got married of the soul I guess we should try dating?’ is very funny. CLEARLY the two of them were way more eager to fall in love than I anticipated (thank you Cas for your honesty) but you can still see shades of this original idea here and there (especially in ch35 of TBAM)

I never intended Dean and Benny to connect so well!! Benny was going to reunite with Andrea, she was going to live, and they were going to go off into the world and leave the story. And, uh, here we are. I’m still debating if I need to adjust the relationship tag or not haha. Polyamory is fun, especially when I was planning for Sam to be the polyamorous brother...

Speaking of, I can’t believe I forgot about Sam and his sexuality! If I rewrote TEA I would have had Sam contemplate more on his lack of sexual appetite due to trauma, up until he meets Benny and he gets to rediscover how he wants to be a sexual person

Many of Sam and Dean’s absolutely stupid sibling conversations were lifted near-verbatim from conversations I’ve had with my siblings

And lastly...

Dem where’s Kevin????????????? Where is our sweet baby boy????????

He’s SAFE!! He’s in the Hunter pipeline somewhere cause Sam handed him off to Bobby’s people. He and his mom are safe and at some point they probably got rib sigils like SalmonDean did against angels, but for demons. I didn’t have room in this story for him!!! But my baby boy is SAFE and I want to get him back to university because it’s WHAT HE DESERVES!!!!

To that point: god there were/are SO many characters that I just didn’t include in the story so far because I didn’t feel comfortable including them without stalling the story for them. To that point: pretty much everyone who is alive/dead in s8 is that way in this story, except Bobby who gets to live.

[Check Out Part 2 for reader questions!]

#the love it takes series #to exist again fic #to become a man fic #dem speaks

[sanchoyo]

danny phantom, season 3, episodes 1-2 thoughts! I had to split up my season 3 watch awkwardly because the second part of it was too picture heavy and tumblr only wants you to have 10 pictures per post, per the No Fun Allowed Rule. :/ I was planning on just doing 1-6 then 7-13, but, it'll probably be split into 3 posts now... (along with a follow up thoughts post after I finish and think on it for a lil while...)

see prev episode thoughts in this tag <3

-vlad got a new mansion. and the guys in white IMMEDIATELY BREAKS IN AND STARTS SMASHING THE SHIT OUT OF EVERYTHING, DESTROYING HIS NEW MANSION KAJDFHSSKADJKJN. NEVER LAUGHED SO HARD IN MY LIFE. 'the greatest practical joke ever' TUCKER YOU ARE SOOO RIGHT.

-'DAnnY FenTon MadE mE ThE LaugHINg StOCk oF WisCONsIn' if you dont shut up. you made yourself a laughing stock. love the cute pink hotel room. also, Vlad's Naked on The News. VLAD BUYING THE NASTY BURGER TO TEAR IT DOWN. the way they keep escalating these..pranks? IS TEARING DOWN A BUISSNESS A PRANK?? (the metric by which I decide if its a prank is if its funny to me or not. vlads house being torn down? funny prank. local burger place being torn down? maybe not. MAYBE the naked on the news prank was pushing it because he WAS in a hotel just, minding his own business, but like, he stays bothering danny for no reason when danny is just minding his own business, too! its not right but there IS a sense of vindication here. yknow?

-...'at least now he's channeling his sociopathic lonely bachelor energy into something positive!' this is unironically an insult to actual sociopathic people. 'but he doesnt care about other people!' 'and thats why he'll make a great politician!' BRUTAL. but not untrue? I mean, this is not at ALL surprising. hes a billionaire via cheating and lying, and already a huge Slimeball. So yeah, politician is 100% right.

-but did vlad move to amity park? I might be wrong about this, or illinois laws might be different, but I kinda assumed if you're running for election for mayor in a town, that you had to live within the voting jurisdiction and be registered to vote there. I mean, he's temporarily in a hotel and technically displaced rn (...I thought for sure he'd have more vacation homes...) so I guess there's probably a grace period to find a permanent home in amity park?

-ME, CHEERING DANNY ON EVERY SINGLE TIME HE BEATS VLAD UP, BEING SO PROUD OF MY SON:

-'hes overshadowing the voters!' why...are you surprised, danny???? election fraud is Nothing. did you forget he stole BILLIONS OF DOLLARS.

-ok the school uniforms are kinda cute tho lol.

-NO TEENAGERS ALLOWED IN THE NEW RESTURAUNT?? WHAT KIND OF BUISSNESS IS THAT,, SO PETTY. tucker straight up tearing off the security camera. king of property destruction

-vlad trying to make life hell. For a 14 year old. who is trying to genuinely apologize and offer a truce (despite all the creepy and fucked up things vlad has done to him and his family). what the fuck can I even say about this. I think i've said several times while watching 'what the fuck is wrong with you', i need a stronger statement.

-Teens Against McMasters! Fries Not Lies! I want to see vlad get mauled by teens. I want them to start Throwing Rocks.

-vlad saying 'dudes' is the worst thing I've ever heard.

-danny overshadowing the clone was GENIUS AND MAKING HIMSELF LOOK INJURED. SO PROUD OF YOUUUU. USE HIS OWN TACTICS AGAINST HIM. GET HIS ASS.

-frostbite's design is really interesting. ghost...bones... incased in ice?? anyway im so glad danny is getting more hugs :)

-oh, they basically worship(?) or put danny on a pedestal because he defeated pariah?? well IM happy for him having more ghosts that are friendly to him :) also, sam and tucker's lil snow jackets...super cute.

-more ghost lore!!! THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE IS A GHOST PORTAL. OF COURSE.

-VLAD ACTUALLY DID GET A CAT AWWW KITTY I WUV U KITTY. who he plays chess with...okay, you know what, thats so valid. and actually, pets are usually actually good for mental health, you have a lil guy to care for and they can give u a reason to try ur best so u can provide for them, and they are always good for comfort...good job, vlad!! next go to therapy. 'if anyone asks, you're my sister's cat!' so does he actually HAVE a sister? can she come beat him up

-sam is Right. they shouldve immediately taken the map back to frostbite! but I get it, exploring Can Be Fun

-'carnivorous canyon' in the ghost zone is just mystery flesh pit

-vlad is going to burn a 14 year old girl at the stake. you know, I half expected clockwork to come up and stop this, because they're fucking with time, BUT. nope. this is nbd, I guess.

-well, blood blossoms are terrifying. I know 'ive never eaten a vegetable in my life!' was tucker being hyperbolic, but this kid is going to get so many digestive problems if he doesnt Start Eating Healthier.

-...vlad wanted to go to rome and be a god?? I want to know where he self-inserted himself in their already established pantheon. what did he say he was the god of??

-VLAD SET THE ENTIRETY OF ROME ON FIRE. SO THEY PROBABLY ASSUME GOD OF DESTRUCTION. GOD OF ASSHOLERY.

-how embarrassing, to swordfight a 14 year old and struggle to win. lmfao they keep running vlad off every place he tries to take over

-'if i can destroy the first airplane, man will never fly and I will rule the air!' VLAD. DO YOU THINK. DO YOU THINK THE WRIGHT BROTHERS WERE THE ONLY PEOPLE TO THINK OF AND CONCEPTULIZE FLIGHT???! oh my god he is so dumb. people have always been trying to fly even before that, and even if you destroyed (1) plane its not like no one else could make one??? as if people hadn't already been making hot air balloons since the 1700s??? or coming up with concepts, and studying on how to make them work? starting to think vlad shouldve paid attention in college and not been so fixated on maddie. or, I dunno, read a book in his huge library...(I mean, I dunno what he majored in or studied in college, but it obviously wasnt history...)

-vlad getting his ass kicked by snow dogs and getting shidded on by a pigeon :)

-'hes got more in common with us than he realizes!' DANNY IS A YETI??? CONFIRMED (no,, but I hope that means we'll see more of the far frozen! I like them :)

-what in the world was this episode tho. like..okay?? vlads plans did not make ANY sense to me, like, was I missing something , or. WHY is he so fixated on Ruling all of the sudden...sure he might be power-hungry, feeling powerless can do that and I'm sure the accident/being abandoned made him feel that way, but its always felt like his real end goal was just to steal jack's family out of jealousy and spite, not to like. um,, rule rome I guess. ?? theres No Maddie In Rome, Vlad.

#sanchoyorambles #dp thoughts #danny phantom

[pondermoniums]

A little post season 3 ficlet (2749 words) featuring some holiday fluff <3 See tags or read on ao3 here ~

• • • •

Billy still feels it. He wishes his muscle memory had died with him, but it just came back with him too.

The things he felt.

The things It felt.

Everything It made him do.

His psychiatrist tries to tell him that his scars are his body claiming his soul back. Billy couldn’t agree. He didn’t like touching the starbursts on his torso because the shiny scar flesh felt tissue-paper thin—not to his fingertips, but underneath. His heart trembled as if he could just push a little too hard, and enter his ribs—

“Hey, the new place opened up off Main Street. You know those new roads they’re building? There’s already a Greek place there. Let’s get a menu.”

Billy frowned at him. Steve Harrington. He’d been at the mall. Billy didn’t remember seeing him…during…but afterward. In the spotty shreds of memory that were all his own, he remembered Steve looking nearly as bad as he felt. The memories swirled together like a circus dream. Steve and…Robin. Her name is Robin…in striped costumes. Steve carried Max away from his body. Robin practically did the same for the girl with a number for a name. All of them glowed with Starcourt neon pink and purple and red.

Steve’s car hummed around them, and fell silent when he turned onto the fresh asphalt of Hawkins’ new road. Steve laughed a little. “Farmer Higgins is probably still fuming. Last thing the mayor did before he got booted out of here was steal land for these businesses.”

“What’s it matter?” Billy exhaled. There were less people in Hawkins to fuel the shady economy anyway.

“Well I can’t speak for your Camaro, but my car doesn’t last long, driving brodies with trees in the way.”

His little sapphire. A dark mixture of humor and apathy seeped into his blood at the memory of Steve Harrington, of all people, slamming into him. He didn’t do it hard enough.

Now he sat in the car Steve drove. Not because the Camaro couldn’t be fixed, but because Billy wasn’t fit to drive yet. Maybe there was something full-circle about it. Or a broken circle; an open-ended thing, like Billy.

“As if you could do a brody.”

Steve smirked. “Thankfully I’ve ruined enough fields for practice.”

And then he pulled right off the road, slipped through a tiny thicket of trees framing the road, and burst upon a dry, yellow field. He turned sharply, throwing Billy against him…until the car locked into a paradox of calm and chaos. The back wheels revolved around them to dig a doughnut in the earth. Steve let the wheel go, and they rocked as the car jerked with the front tires straightening.

Steve looked around them to find the road again and made a mock sound of getting sick. “Glad we didn’t eat first.”

He grinned at Billy, making him realize a smile had stuck on his face like a cramped muscle. He pushed a hand over his mouth, physically melting it off.

The food was good. The flavors shoved their way over his pallet. It was kind of hard to enjoy food now. He ate when his body needed it but he didn’t get the emotional reaction to it—

“I didn’t know we had Greeks in Hawkins,” Steve conversed openly. A small, lost part of Billy remembered Steve calling him out for being mouthy during basketball, but Steve could talk. He wiped his mouth and dug back into his rice plate. “Then again, Robin and Dustin always have something to say about authenticity. Like you spend a day outside of Indiana and you’re worldly.”

“Did you forget where I’m from?” Billy spoke before he meant to. California didn’t seem to matter much any—

“Did you?” Steve tossed back.

Silence fell over their booth while Steve waited. Then he went back to his food when Billy clearly didn’t care about responding.

Over and over again.

Steve picked Billy up.

Hospital.

Food.

Back to Cherry Lane.

Steve talked. Sometimes Billy replied.

Then things began to change. Steve took Billy to the grocery store after Billy’s therapy. Billy had emerged ruddy-eyed liked he smoked a pound of weed, and Steve had merely said, “I’m feeling tacos.”

Only instead of a restaurant, he took them to the store. And then the Harrington house. Billy talked more there.

“No, no, it’s queso fresco.”

“It’s just cheese, though?”

“Jesus, it’s like I’m the one who grew up with farmers. Different rain waters different grass. That makes different cows, which make different milk. Do you know anything about breweries?”

“Do you?” Steve challenged while they made a mess of his kitchen counter. Crumbles of white cheese, lettuce, and other tacos toppings littered the fancy granite.

“I know that breweries stay put. Because the water’s different. They have to have the right water to make the right beer. I haven’t had my favorite lager since I moved here.”

“What’s it taste like?”

Billy told him. Billy told him a lot of things. Steve just…got a rise out of him the way his therapist couldn’t. Then again, Steve never asked about all the things Billy wanted to burn out of his brain.

Then Cherry Lane fell off the list. Billy couldn’t say how exactly he moved into Harrington’s house. Maybe the food flowed into Billy falling asleep, and starting the next day from Steve’s house just happened too many times. Maybe Max used Steve’s pool too many times. Maybe it was when Billy realized Steve wasn’t just driving him to his physical and mental therapy sessions.

He walked out of the physical therapy gym at the back of the hospital to meet Steve in the same lobby they parted ways in. But Steve wasn’t there. Billy asked the nearby receptionist if “the guy with the hair” had gotten lost to the bathroom, but she only replied, “He’s running a little overtime, but he should be on his way.”

Billy’s appointments took hours. It made sense for Steve to leave and come back—

But the elevator dinged, and Steve was too busy reading something to not walk into a passing nurse. “Oh! Ow—sorry! Sorry,” he exclaimed, holding his arm…

He rolled the shoulder of that arm on the way through the parking lot, swinging the arm round and around like he was warming up for tennis. Inside the car, Billy cornered, “What were you doing in there?”

Steve glanced at him but shrugged as he turned the ignition. “Blood work. An IV drip. MRI’s. My usual stuff. The drip took longer this time.”

“Usual stuff? How come I’m just now hearing of this?”

“Remember, Robin used to meet us here? She got cleared faster.”

“Cleared out of what? How are you more broken than she was?”

Steve stared at him for an unnerving minute. “They…kind of beat the shit out of me. So… I mean, you pack a wallop, but Russians with an agenda put you to shame.”

Billy suddenly wondered if he’d overstepped a boundary. Steve just talked so much, and took whatever Billy gave him without flinching that he never considered…

“Getting concussed and doped up with unknown chemicals isn’t everyone’s normal Thursday.”

Billy had forgotten that Steve had been through shit like this before. Not with the same variables, but… “I forget that your normal got thrown out the window before I got here.”

“It’s not a competition,” Steve tried to say lightly. He waved a hand in front of the vents as if their lingering in the parking lot was just to wait for the heating to kick on.

“And if it is, who’d win?”

“Oh, I think Will Byers has us beat.”

That…hit differently than Billy expected. A laugh burst out of him, like it had just been waiting for a weight to lift off of him to break free. “Yeah. Maybe he does.”

Then they went to Steve’s house, where more and more of Billy’s clothes had accumulated. The kitchen had been stocked with food bought from Steve’s wage and Billy’s top-secret government allowance—which turns out, was rather high. Steve, for all his fancy furniture and basically bottomless bank account thanks to his parents, had to pick his jaw up off the floor when Billy finally revealed the monthly check to him.

“Holy shit. Don’t let the nerds see that; they’ll siphon quarters out of you for the arcade.”

“They’re old enough to want beer and condoms.”

Steve scoffed as he flipped their dinner pancakes. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think they’ll sooner pop their cherries than go for beer.” Then he grimaced and waved his spatula. “New subject! Change the subject.”

Billy laughed from the breakfast bar, where he was arranging his medication into a days-of-the-week organizer. It was just a bar of little snap-closed boxes, but it helped him keep track of the pills he took—and the ones he ignored.

Steve had asked him once, “Why do you always leave the red ones?”

“They turn me into a vegetable.”

“Oh. You can’t, like…split it in half? Half vegetable?”

Billy couldn’t say why he felt comforted by Steve’s uniquely clueless way of thinking. Perhaps the guy actually made sense, or maybe he just over-simplified things in an over-complicated world.

Now, though, he set the spatula down with the announcement, “Oh! I got you something. Well, I hope I got the right stuff.”

Billy didn’t go with him to the garage, but he did follow Steve with his eyes. Blue irises locked onto the shockingly familiar box of lager when Steve returned. “Where in the hell did you find that?”

That dopey, thrilled grin made Steve glow like the Christmas lights they’d thrown all over the open floor plan. “Dude, there are professional shoppers! I mean, that makes each can like…a twenty-dollar beer, and this is the only box I got, but this is the stuff you were talking about, right? The lady on the phone said they released other flavors, but you only said ‘lager,’ so it’s what I got.”

The cans were practically frozen from being in the garage, but Billy tore open the box as well as he could to pry one out. “I don’t think I’ve been given the okay for alcohol.”

“We can water it down.”

“You don’t water down beer!”

“Then split one with me. I’ve chilled glasses somewhere…”

He went digging in the freezer drawer and pulled out plastic wine glasses. Billy snorted as he accepted one. “This is so cheap.”

“Yeah well, even mom’s fancy bimbo friends break wine stems around the pool. Gimme that.”

Billy appreciated that Steve made it sound greedy, instead of pitiful. Billy had trouble with his hands.

The can snapped open with a satisfying metallic crack. Billy teased as Steve poured, “Is this your first rodeo? Look at all that foam.”

“We’ve got time. The pancakes are almost done.”

Billy pushed his pill organizer aside to rest his chin on his arms, listening to carbonation sizzle while he watched Steve’s shoulder blades move under his sweatshirt.

“When do you get cleared for pot?”

Billy rolled his eyes. “I don’t think I’ll ever be officially cleared for that—hey, hey!”

Steve had turned around, leaning back against the counter with a pancake in his hand and a full cheek. “Whuh?”

“You’re eating my dinner! Dump the skillet over a plate and get over here!”

Steve came around to sit on the stool next to him with a pancake in his mouth and—

“Are those my slippers?”

“You mean my slippers that I hadn’t worn yet? Yeah, I took them back,” Steve retorted.

Billy successfully knocked one off his foot. “They still had the tags when I got to them. So dibs.”

Steve kicked the other slipper into the living room. “No dibs if you don’t have both.”

“You’re wearing my sweatpants. I get your slippers.”

“I get your beer and you get my pancakes.”

“Not if you eat all of them! Syrup, now,” Billy demanded with a grabby hand gesture.

Steve disintegrated into giggles that made him sound as much like a little kid as movie heartthrob. He finished pouring and passed the bottle.

So it went. Back and forth. Back and forth.

First Steve took Billy’s time. The minutes that built into hours driving to and from the hospital. Then Billy ate his food. Steve covered the restaurant tabs until they switched to cooking at his house. Steve washed his clothes and wore them like his own. Billy took Steve’s car keys and drove for the first time with Steve practically hostage all the way to the tree farm.

“I didn’t take you for a real tree kind of person.”

“You have the ceiling space for a nine-foot tree.”

“How the hell are we hauling a nine-foot tree?” Steve practically blanched. “And with what car?” He adjusted his earmuffs because he’d rather be caught dead than wear a proper hat. Billy, meanwhile, strolled through the greenery and the first snowflakes spitting from the sky with leisurely ease in his beanie.

He laughed, “I like how you’re not saying no.”

Steve didn’t do much to hide his mimicry as he trudged behind Billy, who chuckled to himself. “For once it actually smells nice. The trees really cover up the cow shit of—oh my god, there are actual cows.”

A line of tables displayed other living decorations like wreaths and garlands, but beyond them was a field of black and red cattle. Billy moved under a line of wreaths hanging over their heads to see how they actually had blankets on their backs. “Are the cow jackets norm—”

Steve caught his mouth in a quick, firm kiss. The sound of their lips parting echoed in Billy’s ears. Steve’s fingers lifted off his jaw to touch something noisy above their heads. Billy dumbly looked up to see the tiny bells interwoven with a mistletoe wreath. “Careful. We have real mistletoe here. Not whatever plastic California has.”

He left Billy stupefied, having the audacity to stroll away with a whistle on his lips before Billy snapped out of it and nearly tackled him. “OW! Agh, fu-shit, Jesus—”

“You’re better about planting your feet,” Billy breathed against Steve’s earmuff. He held Steve’s arms trapped against his body.

“Are you always this mean when someone kisses you?” he strained in Billy’s tight grip. The gravel under their boots grit and rattled as Billy dragged Steve deeper into the trees. “Alright! I should’ve asked! I’m sorry—”

Steve might’ve stolen the first kiss, but Billy shoved him into a tree and took it back. He took Steve’s cold shock against his lips, until hot breath warmed them up between nervous stares. Then Billy took his lips, his tongue, the taste of the mint brownies Steve ate on the way here. The cold tip of Steve’s nose pushed into his cheek, and Billy’s heart felt fragile against the softness of Steve’s mouth.

His breath trembled as he asked, “Why did you do that?”

Why do you give me rides? Give me food? Why do you cook every night? Why did you give me a bedroom? Will you let me into yours?

Steve’s arms around his waist moved, tightening a little but also moving up Billy’s spine as if to comfort him. To anchor them together. Steve swallowed, and the fragility in his eyes made Billy’s throat hurt. “I didn’t get to the first time.”

Billy couldn’t stand it. He pushed Steve’s earmuffs off in his effort to press his face against Steve’s neck. To absorb the delicious little sound that escaped him when Billy’s cold nose found the warm pocket inside his collar.

Billy didn’t think he’d be able to kiss anyone ever again.

Not after…

But all he wanted was to keep Steve’s lips on him. To steal him away like some fairytale winter troll and either keep him or devour him if he tried to leave.

“Billy?” His name was muffled against his own scarf, so tightly did Steve hold onto him.

But if Steve was taking…maybe Billy could let himself be stolen again.

“When we’re home…” he sniffled on his way back up to standing on his own. “Kiss me again.”

“Can I kiss you now?”

Billy laughed through his tears. “No, you’re buying me the biggest tree your car can carry. And I’ll steal that wreath while they’re distracted.”

“You have the money to buy it!”

“That’s no fun.”

#harringrove #pondermoniums #stolen #ficlet #one shot #holiday fluff #snowy kisses #post s3 #billy hargrove #steve harrington

[lichbarry]

A host’s perspective on Molly, Lucien, and approaching identity (spoilers for c2e117)

This is NOT going to be as eloquent as I want it to be and I can only speak for myself and my own opinions, but this is for @creativside and anyone else who wants to hear this particular perspective. Again, I’m speaking only for myself, not for every single system, especially not for Molly or Lucien fictives. I’m also referring only to DID systems here but OSDD systems, I see you. 

I don’t really advertise it on this blog (or anywhere), but I’m the host of a DID system. My relationship with the system is not quite the same as other systems we’ve gotten to talk to but nevertheless communication has greatly improved since our diagnosis and I dare say that I feel “valid” enough to try to sludge through how I’m feeling about the whole situation with Molly/Lucien. Put under a cut b/c it’s long 

For anyone who might not understand the connection I’m trying to draw: a situation where there is one body that has been inhabited by two different consciousnesses who are not otherwise aware of each other and who have different personalities, abilities, and ambitions is a situation that directly parallels the textbook DID experience. Having people call you by a different name, talk about things you supposedly did with them but have no recollection of, and having people ask or expect that they will be able to talk to this other person in your body whenever they want are all things that pretty much every system goes through. I’m not saying that Lucien has DID, but there are a lot of identical and/or incredibly similar terms and concepts being thrown around regarding him, so for the sake of this thinkpiece I’m essentially going to be acting like he does.

I’m going to make some bullet points and just try to give my two cents on how everyone is approaching this situation:

Molly was a real person, just as much as Lucien. This was discussed by some of the characters, but I’m just validating it. Lucien called Molly a “fragment” of himself-- fragment is a term systems use to describe a certain “type” of alter. DID fragments are alters who typically aren’t as “developed” as some of the others in the system, meaning that they may only exist to feel a particular emotion, store a certain memory, or carry out one very specific function. In my experience, fragments do have names just like any other system member, but likely don’t have much distinguishing personality beyond that. From what we know about Molly when he first “woke up”, calling him a fragment would be accurate. He was, originally, a consciousness who only knew a singular feeling-- emptiness. That’s all he was. But he was still his own consciousness, his own unique person, and as we all saw, he was able to grow beyond his emptiness and develop into a fully realized creation (to borrow a term). His being a fragment wouldn’t have invalidated him as being his own separate person in the first place, but the Molly we knew was no longer a fragment; he was just... a person! By the time we parted ways with him, he was just as complex and unique of an identity as Lucien is. He is not as simple as Lucien is making him out to be, we know this. 

Lucien implied that Molly integrated into him and is not dormant. What do these terms mean? Dormancy (or becoming dormant) is experienced a little bit differently for each system, but generally an alter becoming dormant means they no longer appear in the headspace/inner world, cannot communicate or interact with any system members, and will not be able to front/switch out (take control of the body). In our system, becoming dormant is equivalent to becoming comatose. Due to the way our inner world is constructed, we do know where the “body” of our dormant alter is, but we cannot interact with her in any way, nor does she interact with us or appear anywhere else in the headspace.  Integration, on the other hand, is better explained in the context of fusion from Steven Universe. A few years ago, I (the current host) integrated with our gatekeeper & primary protector (basically the one who managed the functioning of the system). Where once we were two separate consciousnesses who inhabited the same headspace, we are now joined together into someone who is a little bit of both of us, just like when two gems fuse in SU. I also happen to be the core (the consciousness who was in the body when we were born), so it could be seen as her simply “returning” to me, or fusing back with me after having broken off during her formation. Complete system integration is the end goal of some therapies, but there are some alters who view integration to be the same as dying, since the alter as a singular unique consciousness no longer exists but is instead “merged” into the consciousness of another system member.  Lucien said something along the lines of his soul having been fragmented but now fused back together. He appears to believe that he is the only consciousness currently in his body. This means that Molly is not “trapped” inside somewhere waiting to be set free. It also implies that it would not be possible to “get Molly back” as we remember him without finding a way to fracture Lucien’s soul again. Depending on your view of integration, you can view this two ways: 

Molly is Lucien, and/or Molly is dead. Matt’s slips of the tongue in continuously calling him Mollymauk further supports the idea that Molly is integrated, not dormant, and therefore is Lucien in one way or another. Molly was, after all, a part of Lucien all along, and despite having developed into his own personality in the wild 2 years he was fronting for, all that he was are now part of what Lucien is. That being said, it is clear that Lucien, just like Mollymauk, is his own person with his own goals, quirks, abilities, and personality traits. Aspects of Mollymauk do live in him, but being fused does not mean that we’re going to recognize all parts of who Molly was in who Lucien is now. Lucien (we’re assuming) is the core, the original consciousness of the body, and is thus far more developed than Molly ever had the chance to be. They’re the same person in the sense that Molly is no longer a separate entity, but not the same person in that Lucien has any of Molly’s memories or would suddenly feel compelled to start acting more like him just because they integrated. 

Mollymauk is not back; Lucien is. The Mollymauk we knew is not there anymore, and it’s a good time to mourn him. I don’t know what kind of DND fuckery Matt or the cast might be able to do, but from my perspective of what’s going on, Molly isn’t going to suddenly pop out or break free or anything like that. Mollymauk as an individual died when we saw him die, and I think the Mighty Nein are at least starting to realize that. Lucien even genuinely offered his condolences. Again, it’s DND, there’s always some chance that they might find a way to talk to their friend again, but by this point the idea is making me uncomfortable. Trying to separate Molly from Lucien again at this point feels... unnatural and disrespectful. No one has ever sought to de-integrate the alter that I integrated with, but I would be very disturbed if they did, and the idea of doing that even in this context unsettles me. Find hope in the possibility if you want to, but I’m probably never going to support it. Molly is a part of Lucien now and I think both we and the Nein need to accept that. Lucien may be evil, but he has just as much right to be in control of his own body as Molly did (arguably more, but I’m not getting into that debate). Whether you like Lucien or not, it’s his body, now only his, and no one has any right to take that away from him.  I know it’s not exactly the same and it’s probably not how people mean to come off, but I can’t help imagining me in this position. If someone was very close with the alter I integrated with and did everything in their power to try to make her split off again, even if it meant harming me or making me lose autonomy over my mind & body... you can see how that’s a very uncomfortable thought, at the least. Again, I’m not saying anyone is inherently bad for wanting Molly back or missing him, I’m just saying that the situation we’re being presented with is that it’s only Lucien now and we & the m9 should respect that. If you want to mourn Molly, now’s as good a time as any. You even have Lucien’s blessing. That being said...

Lucien doesn’t want to know about Molly, and that’s fine. As someone pointed out (I think Jester?), Molly didn’t want to know about Lucien either. As is the case with a lot of systems who don’t have well-developed communication, they’re practically strangers to each other. All they knew about each other is what was on their body when they woke up and what other people (also strangers) told them they supposedly did once. Again, parts of Molly exist in Lucien, and I’m sure aspects of Lucien existed in Molly, and even now there are some similarities to draw. But neither Lucien nor Molly have any obligation to feel kinship towards each other. In their eyes, they are two completely different people who have never interacted. Systems only start to feel like families after a long time of having good communication, of developing relationships, of working through trauma or the complications that come with having DID. From what we’ve been told, Molly and Lucien likely never even developed a headspace or been in a situation where they would’ve had the possibility of actually meeting. People are just talking to them about someone they didn’t know and honestly the typical response is to just nod along in the moment and decide if you really want to unpack that later. And not wanting to explore who this stranger who inhabited your body was is a completely valid response! Especially given that Lucien doesn’t explicitly have DID-- he doesn’t have the goal of trauma recovery, nor does he have any reason to find out more about who Molly was given that he’s now supposedly fully integrated.  Again, it’s more a matter of autonomy. Lucien is his own person, and to him Molly might as well have been something he called himself when he spent 2 years blackout drunk (which, let’s be real, is a pretty accurate comparison). Sometimes it’s fun to hear accounts of what other system members got up to when they fronted, but that’s only after years of therapy and working through my own feelings about having DID. Before that, there were times when it felt like a frustrating invasion of privacy, or an unnerving sense of losing control of not only what I did, but what it meant to be me. I don’t really see Lucien struggling with these things, but I’m just saying that there’s only so much he can be expected to care about who Molly was given his circumstances. 

This got super long and I’m never sure how to conclude these things, or if that’s even all my thoughts on the matter. Send me asks if you want to I guess, just please be respectful. I’m not trying to start any arguments, I’m just giving my perspective/how I feel about this situation as a system host. 

tldr; Molly integrated with Lucien and it’s more respectful/probable to assume that he’s not coming back the way people wanted him to. Getting Molly back the way people expected is incredibly unsettling to me because it takes away Lucien’s autonomy and basically says that Molly is more important than Lucien’s control over his own body because we like Molly more.  Their situation does resemble the experience of being part of a system in a lot of ways and I don’t know how to feel about it besides just kind of awkwardly going “ahaha” and looking around to see how singlets are approaching this. 

Again, not saying there’s a right or wrong way to feel about this, nor am I “diagnosing” Lucien with DID. Just talking about connections I’ve made and the things that I relate to/make me uncomfortable. Whether Matt is aware of how much this situation resembles DID or not, I think that he’s handling it incredibly well and have no complaints about Lucien or Molly’s characterizations. 

#cr spoilers #did #dissociative identity disorder #mollymauk tealeaf #lucien #the nonagon #cr c2e117 #c2e117 #spoilers #not sure how this post is gonna go over but here it is