#most productive ive been in a while ngl

[slate-sprout]

some doodles of my favorite butch butcher

#art #digital art #oc art #character art #doodle #drew this in like one sitting #most productive ive been in a while ngl

[devotion-disorder]

HI HI HI HI!!!! I LOVE YOUR NEW HAIRDO!! CAN YOU PLEASE TELL ME IF THERE'S ANY REQUIREMENTS ON GETTING YOUR HAIR DONE? ALSO WOULD KUUYA EVER LET ANON CONTROL HIM IN ALMOST EVERY ASPECT? LIKE WHAT HE EATS, WEARS, AND DO??? BTW YOUR ART STYLE IS SO YUMMY!!!!!!!!

THANK U!!!! While I think it's possible to go to a point where Kuuya just...relents to every single thing you demand of him, its not like he's going to let go of all rationality so easily (ironic as it sounds). He's a pushover not only to his partner but to most of the other people in his life as well, so he's not going to let go of his commitments just like that. But I think it's definitely possible if you play your cards right.

and info about getting your hair done under the cut:

If you want to do it exactly like how I did, its actually a balayage instead of a full bleach! anyhow, I guess the biggest thing is that bleaching is definitely a commitment. Here's some stuff to note based on my experience:

It depends on your natural hair! my natural hair color is pretty dark, so I needed to bleach it twice to get any sort of bright color. my hairstylist also said apparently my hair is just kinda resistant to bleach, which is why it took literally 9 hours lol (and other complications because Ive gotten it bleached before)

I've always gotten it bleached at a salon and it can be a bit pricey ngl

You can't bleach your hair if it's been chemically treated (eg. straightened / permed)! and you can't do it afterwards either, because of how damaging bleaching is. So i have to style it myself if i want any sort of curl!

you might also need to invest in some decent hair care products + colored shampoo etc etc if you want your hair to not be the texture of straw lmao

More on that, you might want to be careful if your hair is already pretty dry/ brittle to begin with, because bleaching will really truly make it so dry lol

the color can fade pretty quickly, even if you keep up with the proper shampoos and stuff. I expect the pink color in that photo to be gone by at most a month LOL

so yeah...pretty hefty price to pay for funky hair color. That's why I didn't bleach it until ~2 years ago, because I was so hesitant. But!!! I can say that i regret absolutely nothing, because having pink hair rules LOL. I mean this is literally my third time bleaching it!!

#ask #anon #yandere oc #kuuya posting #now i look in the mirror and its like OUGH...pimk #best decision ever #its adds a nice pop of color to your outfits and shit #but its also gotten to the point where I dont ever want to go back to dark hair anymore LOL

[eggplant-dolma]

6- 9/100,, feb 19-22, 2024

ngl y'all, this week has been really rough :') so we grouping the last fews days together bcuz I have not had the bandwidth to post // had a migraine the last 2 days though I'm feeling a little better today // I worked again on monday, then spent most of the next 2 days just laying around because ~pain~ I also had to reschedule my appt with my prof for next week bcuz of the migraine, which kinda sucks but gives me time to prepare a bit more // I did some grocery shopping and cleaned the cats' litter boxes.. // not the most productive days ive had but i think they still count // i've been helping dog-sit for a friend while her & her husband are out of town, which has basically just been me feeding the doggo dinner and then cuddling and watching tv for a few hours :3 honestly, great

#100 days of productivity #cest moi #studyblr

[biolizardboils]

its been 10 days since the movieversary but my CU hyperfixation's still going so heres another one of those Scattered Thoughts posts (minor movie spoilers!)

So i updated the playlist at treehouseblogsinc this week! Idek if Wikplayer still works for most people, but this streak’s five years long and i aint quittin yet! (Usually i just replace song links when they break, but this time i removed a song too cus the guy it references has been Bitch lately)

Speaking of, i did my semi-annual reread of the whole blog too and... man :’’’) Its still mind-blowing how many people played along (and got pissed at Melvin when he took over lmaooo). All the silly, sweet, and angry asks i got there still warm my heart to this day

You know what else i still do to this day? Draw things Pilkey-style! Sometimes i try to follow a rigid anatomy when i draw and feel stuck when it doesnt look right. When that happens, i step back and make a quick Pilk-ish sketch as a reminder to keep things loose. Works every time :)

Something i still love about the movie and the months leading up to it is how much of it felt like a grand... I dont wanna say joke, cus that kinda implies they didnt care when its obvious they truly did. Lets go with prank — it all felt like a grand prank! Like the decisions they made worked in the end, but were also super funny to read and hear about. Like oh my god, they rented Abbey Road Studios to record a choir playing kazoos and singing the word “underpants!” They got the biggest up-and-coming horror director to voice white-ass Melvin Sneedly. (Tho i guess now it can be argued that he’s white-passing in movie!verse, so thats cool)

My fave example of this is how they got Lil Yachty for the album. On one hand, whatever chunk of the limited budget they spent to get him probably could’ve been put to better use, like actually animating the Turbo Toilet fight or something? (While moving the Flip-O-Rama to another scene of course.) On the other hand, its hilarious that they got him to rap the word “cool” 15 times to a cover of Oh Yeah, and then didnt even put it in the movie. Its like George and Harold themselves wrote the stupidest lyrics possible just to see if he’d agree to them, and he did?? Thats comedy gold???

Why didnt i bookmark all the production stuff posted to Instagram. There was so much cool stuff i wanna see again but the search function there is still garbage and uuuughh

So i dont remember if it was production art or fanart but theres this one Instagram post i saw once thats lived in my head ever since. it looked like the cover of Action Comics #1, but with Captain carrying a school bus. If by some miracle somebody has it saved, please send it to me ill be forever in your debt

Im still scared of getting what’s coming to me when the Dog Man movie drops, but now im also wondering if theyll still have George and Harold as a framing device. Ngl i havent caught up with the new books in a hot minute, but ive heard that the boys have stopped appearing in them? if that’s true, that’s Dav’s choice and i have to respect that. ....but also i really wanna see them in CG again. pretty please dreamworks, i miss my sons so much

It mustve been a while since i last watched the movie, cus when i did on the 2nd, the Origin Issue sequence like... broke me all over again. i wrote about why its so great once for a thing that never got made actually, lemme dig that up and paste it in here

The score begins with chiptune and kazoos, two common motifs for childhood whimsy, and already a great fit for this sequence’s simple, handdrawn look. 

But it doesn’t stop there! It goes from what sounds like just two or three people playing kazoos… to a whole chorus of them… which gives way to a full-fledged orchestra. It’s as dramatic a transition as… oh, say, a one-man children’s book to an animated movie by one of the top studios in the industry.

And in turn, as the comic continues, we’re brought closer and closer to the panels until the white gutter between them vanishes, and they engulf the screen. The medium through which this story’s being told has faded from awareness; all that exists now is the story itself. 

But just as suddenly, we’re brought back to our true surroundings. The orchestral music ends, the chiptune returns for one last gentle sting, and we remember this epic tale’s humble origins: a comic book, written and drawn by two 4th graders. *sniff*

Another Score thing i love: you know how Captain is one big Superman parody? I think Shapiro mightve had that in mind when he composed his theme tune, because it starts with a triumphant first three notes (the “Underpaaaaants” part) — just like some of Superman’s! I dont know the right musical terms but cmon, theres a pattern there! And its so touching that they found Captain worthy of a song of that caliber!! Like yes, he IS a true superhero!! heres the epic theme song to prove it!!

Oh wow okay. So to dig up that Writing Thing, i had to open some folders i havent touched in years. And there were outlines for 10 different fanfics in there. I remember not really meaning to finish them ever, just writing them down cus the ideas wouldnt leave me alone. Hell i still dont have time to finish them now

But. Man now i feel bad for never doing anything with them. I have half a mind to post the outlines at least?? Cus someone out there might get a kick out of them?? You know what, if this hyperfixation doesnt peter out in another few days ill probably do it

Speaking of things i havent looked at in years, i listened to this song while typing all this and im tearing up now send post

#captain underpants the first epic movie #captain underpants: the first epic movie #captain underpants movie #dav pilkey #cu fandom #me talking #long #capitalizing sentences for once cus wow even i cant read half of this and i wrote it #cu movie #captain underpants #cu

[spotsupstuff]

It is okay that i imagined Red Son as a Stormtrooper? Like he's been snatched from some royal family in some planet and maybe meet Mk who a Jedi or maybe still apprentice? Or maybe The Bull family is part of The Republic and Red Son as the prince meet Mk like Anakin and Padme? But then Mk will fall to the dark side-- Lol

Anyway, i like your fanart about Lmk and Star Wars crossover! Never thougt i will see the day of one of my favorite crossover!

HMMMmmm.... -taps chin-

from what i remember me n grollow didnt make the star wars lmk au very faithful to the lmk plot. fuck, i think i missworded smth somewhere actually cuz this kush shouldve worked only as a crossover, as uve said, but crossover means that the lmk chars r there, in star wars designs, along with the og star wars characters. like theyre there as sorta an extra while the main happens next to them. 's why WBS is there only as a particularly ruthless bounty hunter- if we Were to follow the plot/make this an actual au, shed totally be the aus Palpy

BUT since we thinkin sw au here, evidently-

this is prequels specifically thing, so Red would rather be on the side of the Separatists over The Republic/Empire so he couldnt be a stormtrooper. most likely he would be somehow related to the production n designing of the B series battle droids. baby boy was prolly the one who chimed in with the B2s n BX droids n then all the other lesser known models like B3s n those funky flyin B1 knock off pigeon fucks, but i dont particularly imagine him as an actual Geonosian (oh shit random idea: Asajj Ventress 🤔🤔🤔🤔)

DBK is count Dooku, PIF is either a secret wife or psrt of the Sep council das close to DBK but still in the dark about The Sith Plot, Bull Clones turn to B battle droids, SWK is Obi-wan cuz blond badass hottie in ur area thing, WBS is Palpy as established, Six Ear is Maul as FUCK n ive literally no fucking clue who the hell could be Padmé aint nobody that politic smart in the lmk cast except possibly SWK or Tang but das just No

n ngl, im honestly viewing both Xiaotian n Xiaojiao sharin Anakins role. theres no dividing of Anis shit between them they just do it all together (frequently bought together.... do not separate them........)

oh yeah n Tang is C-3PO. chef Zhu is R2 cuz the attitude sure checks out

#spot says stuff #crossover n au r actually quite the different things n im sorry for causin the confusion 😔 ill fix the og post

[ecl1pse]

omg speaking of gworls i forgot to share my thoughts on the album here bc i was so excited the whole weekend

anyways! i REALLY liked it. overall, the whole album isn’t as cohesive as savage ngl, but it’s still good. savage was such a tight, top tier album that it would be very hard to top. even in the whole of kpop, savage has to one of the most cohesive album to come, even in all my 10+ years of listening to kpop i don’t think ive come across an album that is so sonically cohesive as savage was so i understand why some mys are a bit let down in that regard. that being said, girls is still very fun!!! & i’m always here for a fun kpop album

however!! the song girls itself has to be aespa’s darkest sound. & yeah, i agree that it sounds like an nct song, but i mean it as compliment!!! because i actually think that despite so many trying to replicate nct’s sound, no one has come this close to actually doing it while still maintaining their own touch. winter & ningning adding those cute & fun adlibs makes it such an aespa song & nice contrast to the loud trumpets in the chorus i love it!! imo girls sounds to me like nice blend between turn back time by wayv & punch by nct 127, while the mv seems heavily informed by kick it (i see a bit of punch in some transitions shots too). but again, it’s still very aespa, especially in the fact that has a clearer storyline. back to the song, the production seems very influenced by turn back time & overall wayv’s use of guitars to build up momento with the added horns from punch to add grandioseness &, well, punch. it makes them sound like characters in a big fight about defeat their big baddie. which apparently they do because i’ve read this is the end of the black mamba storyline. the girls add so much sass to the song— to pretty much any song they touch. sm struck gold when they decided to put all four of them together, they cover every ground just by the four of them, it’s so gorgeous to hear them.

illusion is just. such a fucking good song. the choreo adds so much to the song too. from the strong opening w the alarms blaring in your ear & the slurping, winter’s opening line of “you’re so yummy, yummy, yummy in my tummy, tummy, tummy” 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 that…was crazy. insane. there’s no taking out the sexual connotations out of this whole song no matter how much they tried to make it fit into the aespa storyline. it’s so fun & sexy i love it. i loved that the choreo follows pretty closely to the formula the song follows in that it a slow build up that explodes by the second middle of the second verse than it takes its second wind. i think this might be one of their best b-sides & choreographies. it’s almost as good as i’ll make you cry, which i’m still hoping & begging to see performed live with a cool choreo 😭 i honestly think this album could have been a double feature with illusion being the second title track. this should have been the song to get an english version &/or an mv. sm, hear me out, we can still make this work. hear me out!!!! just make an illusion mv instead of leaving my girls jobless once the promotion period is over, you could even get a second boost in sells w this genius idea!!! (hmu for more input 😘).

lingo is so fun!!! i havent gotten into reading the translations yet but i can almost tell this is aespa saying you can make fun of all the made up words & stories their concept requires you to understand but that doesn’t make them any less cool. i see the country influences everyone has pointed out, it’s probably how the song started, but i insist!! this is not a country song!! this is nortec!!! look it up, look up nortec. i know this, this genre was literally birthed in my home city & the streets grew up in. idk who lixa, the producer, is, but they (accidentally??) made a nortec song. lingo is for las norteñas 🤠

life’s too short is cute but i agree it’s not their strongest song. that much i knew when they previewed at coachella. it’s very much elevated by their gorgeous voices & smart layering. the mv was so cute tho!! very dreamy & cute. i think it’s befitting they sing a song like this considering the amount of hate they have received since debut, much of unwarranted. i just hope the girls themselves actually believe as much because they do deserve to enjoy their hard work. they have achieved so much in such a short career & are such strong performers, enough to rival bigger groups. it’s no wonder they keep going viral, they work hard & are good at demonstrating it on stage.

icu…it’s a song. a song sung by aespa. this has to be their most forgettable song imo, i’m sorry. it’s pretty but…it’s just there. it’s the required sm ballad & they delivered. i don’t have much else to say other than they sound pretty.

i know a lot of fans disliked that this album included their previous singles but i’m actually really glad it did! i’m glad i can now have a physical copy of black mamba & dreams come true to play in my car that i dont drive. but if i ever did, i have it & i can cause a car crash while swinging my head to black mamba. plus, no offense to any icu fans out there, but ending the album in that when we had such a strong start with girls & illusion would have been such a snooze. ending it with dreams come true!!!!! feels more befitting ngl.

anyways, that’s all i have to say for now. but i’m sure i will continue to talk about this album because aespa has been one of the most exciting kpop acts to follow right now & i’m always excited to talk about their music to anyone who is willing to listen!!!

#aespa

[abcdosaka]

life update again

since its been a week

mental state: i'm doing well. i have some worries but it feels good to have productive worries if that makes sense. like exciting worries. and i feel much more focused prob bc i went out and also worked out a lot today and like i've sorta started getting my life on track

work:

i don't wanna write too much about this job in particular. i honestly think i got it but i dont wanna disappoint myself and read back these posts and be like fuckkk but they're literally paying for my hotel (but not my flight cry) so i can visit the office in mid-sept like it really feels like they want me BAD and ngl i want them too. and they told me during the call my skills are very attractive + there's a lot of networking opportunities in the province basically and i think this job is most relevant to anything i wanna do in the future. anyway we'll see

stuff i gotta do:

kinda started on apt hunting. i can afford a deposit and some furniture but the move will prob deplete my entire savings so i hope i start working by beginning of oct. i also will have to start paying back student loans by end of nov. it seems like they haven't started adding interest yet but i have a big debt lmao

and i will need to lease a car if/once i end up moving. ive written abt my experience w cars before but im pretty used to driving now. i still need to practice highway driving SAD :( but i know i can get used to it. if i can try driving on the highways here (worst drivers in canada) then there's no way i'd fear the highways over there. i've also never bought or leased a car before but i figure leasing is best bc i have decent credit and i want a newer car so it will have a backup camera

i also want to work out properly. i've been going swimming about once a week for the past while but i need to up my cardio and strength so i went to the gym downstairs for the first time to use the machines. i prefer free weights which was my excuse for not going but tbh they work for me since i'm pretty weak rn & its better than nothing. it makes me feel worse to sit around all day. i should also start my stretching routine again

i also need to learn python before i start working lmao

other stuff:

im ngl social life is kinda dead but thats all on me for being a hermit and i still cant really bring myself to care rn. maybe ill call e or n on the weekend and set up plans with sp

[incandescent-irrigation]

this is gonna sound like the most tumblr story possible but i PROMISE you it happened, ask my gf and she will corroborate it.

so my extended family visited my hometown while i also happened to be visiting. theyve got 3 kids, but only the youngest one came with them. she is 10 years old. now ive been with my gf for years at this point, so shes known the kid for the majority of those 10 years. the kid has always been enamored with my gf bcs shes an adult that 1. looks very young 2. does not speak any of the languages that the child knows 3. gets to be on her phone most of the time and other adults dont mind it (language difference). ngl my gf finds it both endearing and somewhat of a nuisance since the kid has way too much energy.

we havent seen her for a while, so we were surprised to find out that she 1. speaks decent english, her now third language, 2. watches ghost hunts on yt without subtitles or anything, 3. uses discord (concerning) (saw her use it on her phone) 4. knows what danganronpa is (very concerning) (saw her lockscreen, which is chiaki)

as a responsible adult, it did cross my mind that i should tell her mom shes into shit made for Older Kids at best, but then i remembered her parents are famously shit with technology (addicted to apple products, do not know what airdropping is) and her older brothers were also allowed to be into age inappropriate shit (one of them pestered me for the title of battle royale bcs he saw a few scenes from it, back when he was like 9) so i do not think tattling on her would change much. instead i decided to strike up a conversation and gently express that she at least should try not to interact with adults on the internet.

kids latch onto subjects when they realize an adult is actually understanding what theyre saying. which is to say "oh you like danganronpa?" was NOT the best start of the conversation.

below is a list of quotes from her in chronological order, from a conversation that gave me at least five aneurysms at once:

"oh so you ARE a komaeda kinnie" (i am not)

"you guys are just like komahina"

"hmmmm i dunno i like danganronpa, omori, nothing else right now?"

"would you take a quiz to see if you're a Real komaeda kinnie?" (again, i am not)

"are you a homosexual?" (followed by me and my gf going "what gave you that idea?" in unison)

"yeah you are like the definition of a homosexual"

"the submarine thing would've been so much funnier if mr beast was in there"

"if i could hack mall speakers i would play c-" ("do not. finish that sentence kiddo")

"why do you smoke that?" (a vape) ("it's strawberry flavored" "oh cool. can i have some?" "abSOLUTELY NOT", again in unison)

"okay but if not komaeda, who would you be kinning?"

#for the record every time the conversation veered off child safe subjects #i would cut it

[blueseakelp]

adding in way too many hidden meanings and little stories into your song lyrics is something that can be so personal

#yo shoutout to bee for being smart and having awesome analysis i love them sm #5 songs are currently official for the ep as i DID write one this afternoon #it’s a length of about 14 minutes total #lowkey ive never been in a relationship so the storyline doesn’t fit me #BUT the lyrics hit hard #especially the last song ngl #also the other ones #the yearning is astronomical when i sing the first song wtf i want a gf please #i’ll shut up now and stop teasing things that won’t be out for luke a while monty or two #*month #bee tag #song production things #most of the titles are in progress and i still don’t have an actual name for the ep yet but we don’t talk about that #i’ll think of some shit

[yyxgin]

dunnae worrae bestie ❣️ life gets in the way sometimes (and responsibilities)

okay so i just liked the kind of air to love alarm? idk it just made me feel like i was somewhere else bc i felt the production quality was that high. some of it was questionable i do agree w that but also song kang is total heart-eyes 😍 and meteor garden was sweet for like a minute each episode and the rest was me groaning in agony just wishing dong shancai would snipe daoming si’s mother. shancai did so much too?? like four episodes in she won a cooking competition against a girl who had literally been professionally training to impress one of the boys ✋ but shancai literally came from almost nothing. also — i’ve never been more frustrated w a drama than meteor garden like sis was literally dirt poor, came close to being evicted twice and her parents moved back to their fisherman hometown leaving her in shanghai (i think?) to make money bc they couldn’t afford the city but she had the newest phone 🛑✋

very early on in my kpop days i had no idea who to bias or however that worked and i was like ‘well i like stray kids i’ll just buy an album’ anyway one of the pc’s i pulled was a polaroid type thing for changbin and i said to my friend wow that’s such a boyfriend picture and that’s the story of how i ulted changbin. im so blasé about so much it’s worrying sometimes 🙀🙄✌️✌️ im not too bad about watching things. i used to struggle a lot but bc i’ve trained myself to read fast enough to see the subs and then flicker to the scene on screen so i don’t get bored. i do feel sometimes as if i am following when i’m looking at my phone but realistically i shouldn’t be this bold 😬

noice!! i’m still new to adulting but i’m p sure ive been at it for longer than i think. when i was fifteen and working in a hotel i was asked if when i was finished for the summer i was going back to uni 🤡 all i keep thinking about is finally having a job again and being able to spend an entire pay check on albums ngl i haven’t impulsively bought anything recently and i’m itching to be irresponsible w my money again 🤠 i know some girls who have preordered all the versions of dream and MAN am i tempted 😭😭😭 this is getting so out of hand at this point i’m going to have to strap myself to my bed until june this is not it ☹️

i have read for nct members certain members are more popular in like eastern us? i imagine it’s to encourage trading or to buy more albums so i could only guess that’s what’s happened to me w mamamoo 😭 theyre thé only gg i am properly into. i didn’t want to be thirsting over boys all the time bc... idk i just wanted some variation so mamamoo it was! twice is too many people for now (don’t even say but nct has 23, ik ik but i was only on my second group and i refused to acknowledge more than one unit for like 7 months bc i was scared) and blackpink has like 2 songs 🤡🤡 i added this bot called zephyr to my discord server and me and my friend roll for collectible kpop cards (it’s p neat and i’ve found groups i wouldn’t have been able to find myself otherwise) and she’s helped me discover so many groups! i think i was enjoying a fromis_9 song earlier <3

i’m always having good days these days 🥺 so i hope yours was good too!! also i don’t expect you to reply to these straight away (bc they’re unnecessarily long) i just try my best to reply straight away otherwise i’ll forget i even sent sumn in the first place! ~🌻

the production quality was definitely very high with love alarm, it looked so nice and aesthetic :(( but like,,the storyline ?? when they kissed in the first ep?? i- that was it for me. i couldnt watch it any longer. my best friend  finished it tho and i think she liked it,,so like-- fair.

PLEAAASE METEOR GARDEN SOUNDS SO MESSY i lowkey wanna watch it just for the shits and giggles now,,i can’t,,, like the cooking competition? that sounds like a fucking disney channel plot to a movie. i am all here for it tho

YOU HAVE A CHANGBIN POLAROID OKAY BESTIE I AM ON MY WAY TO ROB YOU NOW. DROP YOUR ADDRESS,,,DEADASS. AAAAH also i am bad at watching things to the point when i forget to turn on the subtitles sometimes and then get surprised when i dont understand a shit anD THATS when i realise somethings wrong. 

i am so new to adulting pls,, this is my first part time job and i also didn’t have a bank account until literally today. i am a babie,, i couldn’t even do things by myself like i can’t fucking order for myself in the restaurant because i am socially anxious hihi. bUT i figured working with people might help me get rid of that and i am also fullfiling my childhood dream of working behind the cash register now, so that’s cool. the only thing i need now is to graduate, go to uni and do my driver’s licence and then i’ll be adulting for real imo

i am really good with money surprisingly?? i dont spend much, because i dont have money lmao and when i do i keep it because i just like the thought of having money and not the actual spending. YOUR FRIEND BOUGHT ALL THE VERSIONS OF THE DREAM ALBUM??? LOWKEY ME FDKAJ no but fr i think i’m just gonna order the boring version once i start working because it fits my aesthetic the most and i love the concept photos. also if i pull that one specific renjun photocard i might just cry my eyes out but i’ll be happy with anyone bc i literally ult the entirity of dream at this point. 

ooh i dont really enjoy the sound of girlgroups i think ?? i need some noise if you know what i mean :( im not into like chill songs that much. bUT uhh i like itzy and i am gay for them pls. i also havent listened to their comeback yet so i am a fake fan i guess but i’ll fix that soon i prOMISE

i am doing well and i am also glad you are doing well !! <3 your asks make me so happy dfjka i finally dont feel as invisible on this stupid site lmao. also thanks for understanding that i dont reply that quick, but i tend to just uhh leave things be for a while ?? like i get a message and i dont always reply straight away for some reason. but yea. thank you !! <3

#💌ask #🌻 anon

[kingjasnah]

actually. actually let’s talk about diversity in fantasy let’s give that a go. im mad and im gonna be that way for a while

don’t want to read all this? fair. tldr: fantasy writers who rely not only on the medieval europe model but also hide behind historical accuracy in 2020 (fuck it, from ‘95 onwards) are lazy and unimaginative and should be held accountable no matter how many white 20 year old dudes jerk off to whatever power fantasy is embedded in the plot. so lets chat about that lads. (slightly) drunk rant under the cut

now prelim shit: we know fantasy is used both as escapism and as a way to deal with various traumas via magical metaphor. staples of the genre. even if jk rowling busted out the laziest and at times offensive metaphor for ww2 and racism ive ever seen, she still adhered to time and true tropes. whatever.

so why have we, in this post game of thrones era, become insanely obsessed with realism? i can hear sixty 20-something year old men crying at me rn like oh ohh oh its based off the war of roses oh wahh all medieval fantasy fiction is based off england and the crusades anyway so women should get raped and people of color should be demonized its not racism its xenophobia and also gay people dont exist and disabled people are systematically killed off and if we stretch the magic fixes mental illness thing a LITTLE further we have straight up eugenics.

we all know where the england but myth thing came from. now the thing about tolkien is that while i will always absolutely love lotr, looking at the LAZY state of fantasy? damn i kinda wish he hadn’t revolutionized the genre. the bitch was still racist. he still didnt give a shit abt women (eowyn was just a vehicle to show how much he fucking hated macbeth anyone holding jrrt up as a feminist icon for that needs to sit the fuck down and explain to me why i can count the woman speaking roles in lotr, a story with a name and fleshed out backstory for every minor character, on one hand but thats! another post). he had something to say abt class with sam i’ll give him that but he is still 100% NOT what we need to hold our standards to in 2020. 

i dont want to talk about old school fantasy, like 80s early 90s cause theres literally no point. its sexist, racist, ableist for sure, this we know. david eddings (not even that old school tbh) can rise from the grave and explain himself to me personally and i still wont forgive him for ehlana. 

so let’s talk historical accuracy. quick question. who the FUCK gives a shit? WHO is this elusive got fan who’s out here like blehh actually??? this method of iron production is TOTALLY anachronistic of the time. ummm these vegetables in this fictional world were NOT native to english soil so how are they here? cause i know this is the classic argument but ive never actually met someone who cared about the lack of dysentery as much as they care abt the women getting raped on screen/page. 

god forbid you have to worldbuild for a second god forbid you can’t rely on the idea of fantasy readers already have in their head god forbid you have an original idea god forbid you spend more than two seconds thinking about ur setting (oh i should mention i dont....really blame GoT for its setting cause of how long ago it was og written but trust me i sure as hell blame grrm for writing a 13 yr old giving ‘consent’ to sex with a grown man within the first couple of chapters) 

If we accept the basic premise of fantasy as escapism, and i AM drunk so i will NOT be finding fuckin. quotes and shit for this but come on tolkien said it himself and as much as i’ll drag him he crafted the simplest and most powerful fantasy metaphors on the board rn. But if we know its escapism. If we know. then who is it escapism for? certainly not for me, the gay brown woman who busted through all of GoT in 10th grade. 

modern fantasy lit used as an excuse for that white male power fantasy is literally disgusting. calling historical accuracy is so fucking dumb ESPECIALLY cause we, as ppl in the 21st  century, KNOW women have been consistently written out of the story. poc ppl, gay and trans ppl, anyone with a god forbid disability has been WRITTEN out of history as we know it, INCLUDING the fucking war of the roses so HOW can we hold up testimony we know is flawed to support our FICTIONAL. STORY. just to??? support the white power fantasy?? literally noah fence but if you are a white guy who felt really empowered by every time jim butcher described a woman tell me: how do you think that’ll hold up in classic HisToRiCaL fantasy. you think thats a fucking noble pursuit? or are you grima wormtongue out here. 

(side note: jim butcher stop writing challenge i dont need to know abt every woman on page’s nipples. anyone who hides behind subgenre like that? ‘ohhh its a noir story thats why hes sexualizing everyone’ shut the fuck up an author isnt possessed by a fuckin muse and compelled to bust out 500k they have agency and they have choice and they MADE the choice to reserve said will for none of their female characters)

which brings me to point 2: target audience and BOY is the alcohol hitting me rn but WHO is this for? this isnt the fucking 80s we know poc and other marginalized folk read fantasy FOR the escapism. on god ive had a cosmere focused blog for nearly three years and. im just gonna say it im interacted with A LOT of yall and ive managed to talk to VERY few white straight ppl as compared to everyone else. 

like....who deserves to see the metaphor on homophobia or racism. joanne rowling? the bitch who literally tried to sell us happy slaves and the disgusting aids metaphor and the worst case of antisemitic stereotypes i ever saw in an nyt bestseller? yall think that was for US? or was it for the white guilt crowd. 

literally white people can find any book about them that they can relate to. but hmmm maybe theres a reason gay women care so much about stormlight archive’s jasnah kholin, a brown woman who’s heavily coded as wlw. or kaladin, the FIRST fantasy protag ive ever seen with clinical depression. hmm i wonder why a bunch of millennials are vibing all of a sudden. im not saying sanderson is perfect--but its the best ive seen from a white author tbh

maybe theres a reason a lot of poc vibe with a literary way to express trauma, and maybe thats why i specifically get so pissed when its not done well. theres a REASON books about outcasts pushing through and claiming their own lives are popular with people who arent white and straight and able bodied. Junot Diaz had a point. maybe lets STOP catering to those assholes who think theyre joseph campbell’s wet dream personified. ive lost respect SO many authors who are objectively talented. pat rothfuss can write so beautifully that ive cried to bits of name of the wind but literally i will never pick that series up again (not just because of the felurian. women in general tbh. mostly the felurian ngl) cause 1) i personally KNEW men whod jerk off to that shit and 2) there was no need for it there was no plot reason for ANY of that shit 

so like obviously thers an issue with authors of color specifically not getting recognized for fantasy and genre work but on god??????? im still mostly mad at the legions of white authors churning out the same medieval england chosen one books year after fucking year. have an original thought maybe. also im sorry that you as an author lack the basic empathy needed to examine the way that women? or any group of people that youre explicitly writing about see the world and would specifically see YOUR made up world. 

yes your fantasy should be diverse, but more than that it should be kind. if you as a writer cant respect groups of people who deserve it....what the hell are you doing in a genre that traditionally is about finding ways to express injustice through metaphor? tolkien’s hero was sam. fantasy was NEVER about the privileged. yall know who you are so stop acting so fucking entitled. peace out. 

#disclaimer ive had a bit to drink. and instead of getting ridiculously emotional like normal and plud in a trek movie #im mad! surprise shes mad now. not at BS specifically dont worry this is still a cosmere stan zone but im mad and im gonna talk about it #if no one reads this ur valid but if you do im gonna be mad or another two hours before i force myself to #man idk feel free to talk tho #this is so stupid im sorry i got so heated i plugged in the BoP soundtrack #and like just #well youll see

[outoforderaro]

oh hey, decade list anon, i didnt really forget about you, i just slept through most of tuesday and now thought about it. let’s do some listing. 

Music: A tough category bc finding what applies is tricky.

Shape Shift with Me - Against Me! (2016)

The album is just wholly good, of just wanting to belt along with everything. “Dead Rats” is my pick for fave, tho tbh it’s whichever im listening to atm. Ive changed this like 5 times ngl

Hozier - Hozier (2014)

hozier hozier hozier. everyone knows this blues-y guy. fave track: “It Will Come Back” (i took take me to church out of the running on purpose) 

Brought to Rot - Laura Jane Grace & The Devouring Mothers (2018)

i got ljg across my one per band rule, shh. “Apocalypse Now (& Later)”

Come of Age - The Vaccines (2011)

Wetsuit is the fave

Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys - My Chemical Romance (2010)

Na Na Na (Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na)

CLPPNG - clipping. (2014)

Body & Blood. ty jacob for getting me into them, i wouldntve found them by the daveed diggs from hamilton connection

Death of a Bachelor - Panic! at the Disco (2016)

Don't Threaten Me with a Good Time. a P!atD almost had to make it

Racine Carrée (2013) - Stromae

tous les mêmes. ty frankie!

The Human Condition - Jon Bellion (2016)

Morning in America   

Racine Carrée - Stromae (2013)

tous les mêmes

1) my keyboard started acting up again in the middle of this >:c but just for a bit, and 2) there’s really not a lot to say about music. Music good! Honorable mentions to Mother Mother’s O My Heart, which came out earlier but i discovered recently and loved, Pierce the Veil’s Collide with the Sky where listening to stuff like A Match Into Water has been less relevant (good thing!) and Moses Sumney’s Aromanticism which isn’t top fave music, but which i obvsly love and support

Video Games:

Stardew Valley (2016)

Such a charming farming game, and a great one to play if you just need to have a nice time watering crops, giving gifts, or fish. Also a good one to play while listening to podcasts, though the music and sound effects are nice. When i first got it I got sucked in and played all night, oops! I’ve got 422 hrs in this. Lots of mods out there, including a good gender neutrality one, and also just got a big update, and part of it was giving a platonic roommate option so im a v happy queer 

FTL: Faster Than Light (2012)

A spaceship roguelite, with real time with pause, where you must fight through sectors of space because you have the necessary knowledge to take down the rebel flagship. I’ve heard it described as like “surprisingly, a star trek simulator”, as you acquire alien crew and react to emergencies. A lot of fun, difficult at first, and i really want to get their second game, Into the Breach.

Pokémon Sun (2016)

Aside: Pokemon HeartGold was released in 2009? so my first game was almost in. Pokemon Sun is a lot of fun, and makes tons of quality life choices in particular. Like no HMs! and there was much rejoicing. First game I filled my pokedex in (helps that it was just the regional it tracked tho. And i filled my dex in heartgold but with an actionreplay helping out to make anything available). SOS battles are a great way to shiny hunt tho i wish there was a way to stop them (ik there’s status but it can wear off or not stick). I have like 400 hrs in? sometimes i leave it on, but im sure it’s all the breeding or slow battle tree while doing other stuff.

Undertale (2015)

This was under consideration for music too. The characters are really great and why it’s so high. I’ve never and could not mentally, emotionally, physically do an evil run. how dare you even suggest

Fallout: New Vegas (2010)

surprised this fits in. A long time fave, love exploring the irradiated Mojave, listening to oldies and HOLD UP turns out i Do know who tf wayne newton is (after justin was like this is where Duck’s name is from) bc he’s in this game? not as Mr Las Vegas, but Mr New Vegas, the DJ of the radio station. ok weird wiki times lol.

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D (2011)

remakes count, right? LoZ is really good and this is a good one! Nm to say?

Transistor (2014)

This game is really gorgeous, and the music is great. It’s a cool cyber future with a mute singer and a talking sword, fighting robots, and playing with a robot dog, what’s not to like? 

Terraria (2011)

A sandbox world that you can rearrange and craft stuff in, same genre as Minecraft, but with NPCs, much more boxes, probably more crafting and gear, and one less dimension. I’ve put 208hrs into this

Kerbal Space Program (2011, 2013, 2015)

So it got a beta release, then onto Steam Early Access, then out of beta in those years respectively. It’s a physics simulator of starting a space program and often failing in fun ways! Getting to space is hard! Landing somewhere from space is also very hard. Turns out it *is* rocket science. 176 hours and my best accomplishments are satellites all over the place and landing on kerbal’s /second/ moon. I landed a probe onto the mars equivalent too. V moddable game

Universal Paperclips (2017)

Browser game that looks like a very basically designed clicker game, where you play a productivity-maximized AI in a paperclip making machine, so you make all the paperclips you can. All Of Them. It’s a fun one

#rj talks #decade list anon #itll get tagged as that too #video games #music #i might do movies later these took a bit and this is v long and making it in tumblr is making me nervous tbh #maybe ill do movies as best for each year if you like that style?

[a-nonbinary-mess]

I want you to do all the botanical asks because im a plant gay and i love you and i love plants

im crying op please tell me who you are please i love you too idk who you are but im love u too (also this is 31 questions anon omggg)

baby’s breath: 5 things you associate yourself with

1. art (anything aesthetically pleasing)

2. food–mainly desserts

3. stress (that i put on myself)

4. lavender bc i really love lavenders

5. uhh dogs? i really love dogs

bleeding heart: what makes your heart go mushy?

-thoughts of how much I adore my friends tbh

-any cliche romcom trope in a fanfic or seeing ppl suddenly realize how much they love another person, whether platonically or romantically

-seeing kind people in the world and amazing animals, mainly dogs and cats

bell flower: what’s the title of the song that makes you want to jump around out of joy?

-uhh idk i like disney channel original songs a lot tho and ive been listening to a lot of potential song by aly and aj lol

-love on the brain by rihanna, uhh anything that sounds cheesy and cute and romantic like la vie en rose by edith piaf (the cover by laura and anton is super good)

evening primrose: what is your sleeping playlist (five songs): 

-anything by lofi hip hop beats w/ anime girls studying hard

-any studio ghibli song tbh

-any classical music song idk i dont listen to a lot of music before i sleep

-tango music ??? 

-a whole musical (hamilton, chicago, etc)

-songs that dont require me to sing bc i will sing to legit any song at 3 am instead of sleeping

forget-me-not: who is your favorite blog that’s not following you? 

-hmm idk? i mainly follow a lot of art blogs, so i would say any of them? maybe hinamie? or insomniac-arrest is a super cool person, thatsthat24 bc thomas sanders is an amazing human being and i would love to be friends with him

daffodil: what is one plant that you want to have but can never get?

-lavenders or sunflowers? where i live is kind of really difficult to plant anything tbh (unpredictable weather, things die in the winter, etc) and also idk how to take care of plants r i p 

calla lily: are you more of a sunny day or a rainy evening?

-rainy evening for sure. i love to leave the window opening, listen to soothing music, drink tea surrounded by candles, and read something ive been putting off while my dog is curled up next to me

foxglove: what is your favorite color and in what shade?

-i like the whole rainbow of colors but i prefer the darkest black and darker red for clothing and a light purple in general

lavender: what is something that you’ve always wanted to be/have/get but can never have?

-happiness. jk but i really do wish that i wasn’t mentally ill though :// also a cat. bc im allergic : (

love in a mist: what is the latest dream that you remember?

-idk i dont sleep well or deep enough anymore to even dream but i remember having a dream 2 years ago that i was dating oikawa from haikyuu and he was so disconcerting in my dream that i remember it to this day bc essentially he wasnt a real person like i could recognize him bc he was a damn hologram like miku and we had sex the end it was wild

daisy: what is your favorite flavor of cotton candy, ice cream, and juice?

-favorite cotton candy flavor (???): there are multiple flavors???? i just like the original pink i guess idk anything about cotton candy 

-ice cream: cookies n cream, cookie dough, vanilla, mint depending on where im getting it, and strawberry : )

-juice: does fruit punch count 

painter’s palette: are you more of a singer, dancer, painter, or instrumentalist?

-i love singing and i can legit never stop

tulip: what is your most favorite make-up product? do you like it more natural, dark, or etc?

-i love love love red eyeshadow. the brighter the red, the better. i also love red eyeliner and just anything red in general, but i usually mainly use red eyeshadow bc i love the look; anything red = good

waxflower: are you a bee or a butterfly person? a dog or a cat person?

-i love bees !!! butterflies are cool too but bees are cute fluffy babies that essentially control whether we live or die

-uhh probably dog person but only bc i have one :0 i love cats too but im less sneezy and generally stressed when im with dogs lol

sugarbush: do you have sweet tooth? if yes, what’s your favorite sweets? if no, why?

-i really do like sweets but i used to eat so much as a kid that im kind of sick of them now but i still like to eat the occasional cookie or cake or something

-i really like donuts !!! also any asian dessert (eastern, southern, western, EVERYWHERE) is amazing to me and i love eating them

sunflower: would you like to be a fairy or a mermaid?

-merperson !!! i love the ocean and maybe we can finally figure out whats at the bottom of it ; ) sweet pea: what would you like to call your significant other?

-babe mainly, hon

-hey, you fucker

-u dumb egg

sea lavender: can you swim? which strokes can you do?

-i can barely swim now uggghhh but i swam for five years and i knew all the strokes and was super good at freestyle (haru who) !! now i can barely do the freestyle and that’s it lolwindflower: list 5 of your favorite blogs and explain why i like them

-thebootydiaries: she’s funny !! anyone who i find funny i automatically like

-thatsthat24: thomas sanders is amazing. i love him and his friends so much and i think about being his friend a lot to the point where ill have dreams about suddenly being good friends with his whole posse aldjfal;fjl

-tatir0ckz: we used to talk a lot like back when we were both into hetalia but we never talk anymore ? which is fine ! but i remember a lot of our old convos and we skyped like once and idk 2012 was a simpler time

-adorable-as-fuck: i know her irl !! we went to the arcade like once and it was a ton of fun so we exchanged tumblrs and thats it and on the rare occasion that we’re both free, we might go to the arcade again !! idk its cool she’s super cool

-mhaikkun: her art style is so good and she doesnt upload as much on tumblr anymore but shes so cute and her clothing style and aesthetics is sooo good !! she’s a p cool person and her stories on twitter are always super wholesome aah

-this is more than five but ngl aphtextsfromnordics, incorrectknb and any other incorrect quotes blogs or text message blogs changed me as a person aldfj

golden rod: are you more of a baker or a cook?

-baker for sure ! baking just calms me down i think

bloom: what is something that you would like to tell your children?

-if i do have children, i want to tell them that i will never judge them for who they want to be. i hope they will be as open as possible and that i would never want to make them uncomfortable. i would encourage talking about problems and just communicating needs in general. idk, basically everything my biological parents didnt do

peony: what is something that you wish your parents could’ve told you?

-tbh my parents are awful, awful parents (and one of them is just a purely disgustingly, horrid person) and i would never wish for them to tell me anything bc on the off chance that they did try to parent, it was to tell me how much of a burden i was, or something racist/homophobic, etc. 

-if they were better people, i wish they would have told me it was okay to be struggling and its okay to be lost rn. i wish they would have encouraged open communication and kindness but well, i learned that all myself : )

prairie gentian: do you have a significant other?

-nope! i sometimes really wish i did, but relationships honestly stress me out and idk how to talk to irl people : ( i love platonic relationships a little more honestly, makes me feel more comfortable

september flower: are you more of a sunshine or sunset person?

-sunset for sure lol i think sunsets are so pretty bc of all the colors that are involved and during that time period is when im doing something i like and im typically at home : ))

bird of paradise: do you wake up early? do you sleep early?

-i wake up early now bc of school but i usually sleep late and wake up late haha

marigold: what’s your favorite tea?

-roasted green tea and lavender! anything flowery is nice too : )

peruvian lily: what are the names of your pets?

-i only have one dog (a pomeranian) and her name is marzia! which is short for marzipan bc my dad didnt want to remember such a long name lol

hyacinth: do you name your plants?

-ye! most of the time theyre just silly names like spiky (for when we had a cactus a long time ago) or red/pink (the colors of the roses), etc. idk about now bc i dont have any plants currently

lilac: would you rather sleep and be cozy or hang out with your friends?

-hmm depends on the friend tbh

-but most of the time id rather sleep and be cozy !!!

poppy: do you like to dip your fries or do you like it as is?

-dipping !! i like ketchup or ketchup and mayo !! cheese fries are sooo good too

dandelion: any special talent that you have?

-i can bullshit a writing piece really bad and still get a good grade on it (seeing as most of the time i procrastinate until the night before and write the whole damn thing)

thanks for all of these questions anon !! if u can and ur comfortable, pls get off of anon sometime so we can talk !! im on tumblr a lot more now bc im procrastinating lol (and if my responses are late its bc im on mobile with no notifs on lol)

#ask meme #answers #plant asks #get to know me more i guess?? #i havent dont these in such a long time and i didnt realize how fun it is !!!

[niamh222]

conecting…

I’m thinking of making this keyboard my new diary. It’s kinda more flow state like to be able to really get thoughts out as i think them. Also not having to worry about spelling is freeing.

Therapy today was really enlightening, i feel like every session helps me so significantly, and i understand myself so much more each session. This session we talked a lot about trying to predict and anticipate peoples emotions. I recalled how distressed i felt when i had to face someone feeling negative emotions, the conflict between being compassionate and ensuring they didnt get upset was me trying to control their feelings. This need to know what people are thinking and how they might react, coupled with feeling a responsibility to ensure people are happy and not feeling any bad emotions- that is what causes he discomfort and anxiety. The feeling that people dislike me is often linked to the idea that i am doing something wrong that will be disrespectful or rude, this is me feeling like i am unable to predict their emotions that is causing discomfort

THIS IS WHY I DONT MAKE LOTS OF NEW DIFFERENT FRIENDS! becuase most new people are hard to predict and this makes me uncomfortable and jump to the worst possible conclusion. I guess the bottom line of all this is feeling inadequate, low self essteem- feeling that i’m unable to help people or anticipated their needs. For me, walking on eggshells and anticipating a persons every move to ensure they feel no discomfort is a problematic way i show care. When this doesn’t work and people become upset, i blame myself for not creating the perfect environment for them not to feel sad. It’s like taking peoples emotions personally to the extreme.

My fish tank is full of algae and i need to clean it. It’s bad for the fishes. I just haven’t gotten roland to it- recently ive been more and more swamped with university work and wok work. It’s like i need to step up my productivity game a bit. I’m taking it very very easy on myself to reduce anxiety and discomfort- it’s working great, i hardly feel anxious and all my sadness is coming from normal things . This is at the detriment of my workload tho, it’s suffering with all the patience i have for myself.

I have lectures to watch, i think i have four tommmorow, i need to finish all my lectures tommorow so i’m ready for my full two days on friday and saturday . Level three changed work hours and were back open on sunday RIP i was loving the reduced level 4 hours. I wonder how ill cope in level 2 ngl, like its so chill rn, i know ill adapt to it but still i dont want to loose this increasingly mental health routine ive got going .

I think a goal is to read more, i want to do a 14 day reading streak- it shouldn’t be too hard, ive got a five minutes a day timer, its great becuase its just enough time to if ur out if i wanna keep reading or not. 14 days is a good amount of time too, I want to get back on the affirmation gratitude diary shit as well, that was really good and made me feel so much happier- its been a good break to get me more grounded with some of my diasadvantages but i’m ready to work on them again now. The affirmations have been really good tho, ive been doing them everyday sometimes even twice, it REALY helps with positive thinking. I also genuinely think its one of the only ways to get to your core beliefs without changing your environment. Like- ideally i’d move out and live with a group of people who respect and love me and that would naturally raise my self essteem- but i think that this i the best i can get while still living with my folks .

I also think self love in discipline is SO true and ive been really feelin it recently.

Fuck you know what, this lady fucking died on the magic mountain- she want missing today and they found her body this afternooon. It makes me sick to my stomach, i want to vomit when i think about it. I hope her family is doing okay. It’s just insane because i walk up that mountains all te time, and a few days ago i went up there at night nighttime, and someone has died there. It’s a graveyard now and i’m worried that its going to be really hard for me to go back up there and enjoy the beautify up magic of the mountain. I think i might have to buy flowers to calm the spirits and cleanse the place, i mighty do that acctually, create a little flower shrine for her spirit. Fuck muan its scary though- i just hope its natural causes but you cant hep it- you cant help jumping to the worst possible conclusion.

I’m hoping for level 2 when i can get out of the neighbourhood, i’m getting really restless in the same place over and over every single day- i need a change of scene art. It’s raining tonight and i’m listening to te clash.

HEE IS A MAN WHO WILLL NOT TAKE IT ANYMORE not even bobby’s bickialling could stop the blood and —-

Yeah i bet you are. Hang in there You save the girl champaign on ice.

gn lovelies- i know i have to post better content than unedited diary entries but no, i’m just gonna post this an hope i get rich and famous and soon eeee by audible or glamneric lashes

this keyboard is the best purchase i have ever made my brain will proberbly e empty ina few weeks tho. spewing my thoughts out onto the clicky buttons like a digital therapist. gn babies 😚💓

[shareyourpeace]

Life is full of choices. Every single thing you do involves a choice and one will make your life better and one won't. If every choice you choose is the right one, you're choosing happiness. The other choice is depression.

Mixed inputs over the years but this is my compilation of them all.

I was depressed. I was in the dark place so many bloody times. After a while, every time I’d thought that was my lowest, that it couldn’t possibly get worse. Then I’d sink lower and lower. I did it again and again x100000.

I can proudly say that I finally see my self-pitying self as I truly was (sometimes even still am). I convinced myself that when I was avoiding was looking in the mirror it was in fear of seeing myself. Although I did look pretty sick, weary and at times nearly deathly (no exaggeration) looking at my physical self in the that wasn’t the key problem. But that lack of self love impacted my self hygiene so at times it was also a problem. A smelly problem. NGL.

The inner contacted I was ignoring was a whole lot more signifcant than that. The buried issues control your conscious emotion and alas your behaviours.

I believe that looking deep into my eyes and into my soul and allowed myself to realize I cant keep lying to myself that whats happening externally is rhw issue. Fact is when you face the truth of the matter which is usally repressed past traumatic issue related, then it would leave you with two options; You can do what YOU and only YOU are obligated to do. Be responsible, face your issues OR you could bury then and then stacked more and more on top of them until you have a nervous breakdown. The stacking would begin with the instant anxiety your self-served ignorance, that you will feel in the future every time you even slightly think of the subject and your anxiety levels will eventually reach it’s capacity.

Which means projection, it comes in many forms - anger for me. Leading me to blame someone else for something silly. Which is usually/defnitely/completely my fault. I’m always dramatic, causing a scene, with 99% chance of precipitation when I flip the lid. And that leads to what? Embarrasment, shame, self-esteem issue blah blah fucking blah.

But many people (like me) literally have not got the physical emotional or spiritual energy to face that shit right now. It’s a lot easier to binge watch every single Greys Anatomy epidsode from season 1 to 500 or whatever one there on. Im no one to judge i watched them all in 3 months from like july til now [ill calculate the hours later]. What Im trying to say here is just recently I was considering mental rehab because I couldnt do it all over again by myself. But my mindset and really my behaviours, thoughts and people arounf me changed.

Most of all, I did. I evolved, started my next chapter whatever... Thing is, Im really actually happy now.

When I refused to deal with my shit, I lived an anxiety-ridden life of self-destruction.

Like many of us, I experienced trauma all through my childhood right to adulthood, even recently still. I’m recovering from recent events and think of myself that because of that it makes me a bit of fraud to give “ advice “ to people, so I’m, going to state right here and now this is not what I’m doing

I climbed up and out of depressions for about 15 years. I experienced  emotionally damaging moments that through me off back into the black just as I was convinced (as super proud) that I’d gotten back feeling hopeful for myself and beginning to think of the future again. This happened so many times, but the last time, was the last time it will happen to me.

Each experience has gifted me with a lesson and the knowledge Ive picked up from how different people react to eachother and themselves and how I react. Mainly how I have learned to not let  my emotions control my life, I’, not only trained my mind, but I’ve gotten physically fit. I can jog now.

 And if you don’t know me (which you don’t) I am lazy my nature,  I joined the gym lots and never went but Im blessed to be slim by nature so you wouldn’t notice much. But I smoke almost ten years now, I barely went on walks 3 months ago and now I jog 10km AND work out a day. And I aint bragging or trying to make you feel bad in anyway, I did this by making the right choices.

Jogging and the other doors and being in nature cleanses my soul. It has healed me so in so many ways this time and I know it’’s for the better because Ive been the top perfomer in work (I WFH for tech company, usually I am alway middle performer, scraping above average).This is a huge indication that dumping  the rubbish thoughts you CHOSE and CHOOSE to think makes space for productivity and exceeding. Not only at work, you do more cleaning, cooking (cue healthy eating more brain food and creative meditation).

I am have been through a journey these last few year and  I’m not here to moan about the in’s and out’s, shoulda coulda woulda, no blaming or aiming or cause hurt or condescend, no moaning and venting - basically no bullshit.

I want to share how I’ve gotten and continue to get better.

Mind body and soul reconnection is what I feel like I’ve began to have and I want others to too because I empathize so much with almost everyone, especially the people who have the least amount of support or knowledge to have any kind of hope. I want to spread that hope.

I live alone and have through covid. if I could this alone (mainly - Ive fuck all family, none at all nearby, lack of friends (later)) and if I can do this, fuck anybody can.

I aint preaching so save the hate for someone who will allow that toxic shit from entering their precious mind space.

Much love,

Zoe

[yourghastlycloseness]

to-do 13/6/2020 - 14/6/2020:

things are going to get back to normal soon. i’ll make the most of my mon-fri roster while i still have it. it’s nice having your weekends off back-to-back, but i’m sure i can still find a way to be relaxed and productive on split off days. from here on, i’ll try to plan what i want to do on my off days every week.

i) A’s birthday card

ii) read pages of endo’s silence

iii) at least 2 hours on duolingo japanese

iv) prepare slides for sharing on monday. only i can’t decide what i want to tell my colleagues about lol.

i’m considering:

- figure skating (types of jumps, music, costumes, sharing gifs of signature moves by skaters: the yuna camel, michelle kwan’s spiral, shoma uno’s cantilever, yuzuru hanyu’s ina bauer)

- what i’ve been reading (the communist manifesto, silence)

- what i’ve been doing (drawing, learning and failing to play chords on the ukulele, learning japanese, running)

- travels (japan is beautiful but i want to talk about takashimadaira and how that neighbourhood sucked the soul out of me when i visited it on a dreary december morning)

v) sketch scenes from stories i want to write as visual reminders

vi) run on sunday

vii) reflect on genesis ii, which i went through with C on friday as a storyreading thing i’m trying out with her.

i have a scriptural/textual interest in christianity. i’m interested in interpretations of the bible (in a manner that’s no different from critical analysis of texts in an english literature module), spirituality, and conversations around these topics.

i can’t foresee myself ever converting though. ngl, a part of me will always think of religion — and anything, really. kpop, school, anime, film, books lol — as something that gets in the way of thinking independently

how do i put this? i love books, for one. but i almost read to forget, because i dislike the idea of being ‘heavily influenced’ by other writers or creators. it could explain why i have a tumblr but rarely reblog stuff too lol

i suppose i have a strong desire to possess; to make things mine. i don’t understand how people can appreciate beauty and art and technology and greatness without wanting to create these themselves

a christian stranger i met once — a lovely teenage girl who found her life changed for the better after attending church — once suggested that i could be ‘closed off from the kingdom’. i told her i have tried to get into christianity, but nothing ever clicked.

i never asked to be a part of this fancy kingdom lmao but that was still a little sad to hear because it sounded like god rejected me before i could reject god haha