#oh at least 2 of these asks are getting art responses btw. 100%. i just need to remember to do that... after this roxie sheet...... | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hnderyx · 3 years

Note

Hihi! Can I ask for a reaction of them wanting your attention and cuddles but you’re too concentrated doing something else?

Btw your reactions are so cuuuute!!

WayV's reaction to you being too concentrated on something else and they want your attention~

Heh, thank you for your ask!

And thank you for the compliment! Those type of comments always get me all giddy 💕

Kun:

I feel like when this guy wants attention, it's a bit more subtle

So when you're sitting at your desk writing an essay

He picks up on your stressed out vibes

He thinks that maybe if he takes your attention off of your essay for a little bit, you'll be able to come back and have an easier time finishing it

Clear your head a little bit

He also feels kind of neglected and wants some attention

But he'd never admit to that

Because he's 'so mature'

So he comes up behind you and gives you a back hug type thing as he rests his chin upon your head

"y/n, don't you think you should take a break for a little? You've been working on this for the last six hours.. straight"

"No, Kun. I need to get this done. It's due by next week and I'd rather not have to worry about it"

Next week?

Bro, what?

You've got like.. what, 100 hours plus to finish it?

And you're all bent out of shape right now?

"You could take a little break and maybe go for a walk with me or something.. your little mind has been full of essay thoughts for too long"

"No"

Alright, plan B

He goes and grabs your jacket and shoes

He drops the shoes by your chair and holds your jacket out for you to take

"We're going on a walk, y/n. You need a break. No saying no"

You're a bit annoyed at this, but you comply

He’s succeeded at getting your attention without exposing the fact that he is indeed an attention leech

Ten:

I feel like we all know what Ten’s like when it comes to wanting attention

“Baby Yangyang come here” *aggressive bed patting*

So when he sees you sitting in your library, reading some new fantastic book you’ve purchased

His heart immediately turns into goo

You sitting there, looking so focused

Your little expression

It makes him just want to cuddle you to the nth degree

So he does just that

Or, tries to

Sitting on the couch next to you, he wraps his arms around your torso and rests his head on your shoulder

You’re pretty much alright with this until he starts to try and distract you by blowing into the nape of your neck

To get your attention, of course

“Ten, stop. The story’s starting to get to the climax. Don’t distract me, it’s interesting”

“I could get you to your climax too, y/n. It’d be far more interesting”

You slap him away with a glare

“You’re fucking greasy. I just want to read”

You direct your attention back to the novel

He sits there with a slight pout before moving to rest his head on your lap

“Don’t you think your idol boyfriend is more interesting than a stupid book, y/n?”

“Look, you can lay there all you want, just don’t talk to me. I’m trying to focus”

He snakes his arms around your waist and pulls his face into your stomach

You drop one of your hands that was supporting the book to play with a couple strands of his hair

After about 20 minutes you start to hear soft snores from your boyfriend

At least he got his cuddles, and you got to focus on your new novel

Winwin:

I think the majority of us know that this lad isn’t too thrilled about skinship

So when he’s wanting it

You better swan dive right into that shit, y/n

If you’re not, I’ll come to have a serious conversation with you. I’m not too great at language skills and I have a terrible stutter but I’ll come for you istg

When he sees you in the kitchen

Making some cute cookies in the shape of flowers

Guy just wants to snuggle

Looking at you with flour all over your face, maybe a little in your hair

In your cute little apron

It makes him so soft

So he comes behind you and wraps his arms around your waist, toying with the little bow you’ve tied on the front of your apron

“Whatcha doing, y/n?”

“Makin’ cookies” you mumble, pressing the cookie cutter into the dough

“You wanna come cuddle? I’ll clean you up and get all that flour off your face”

“I can’t right now, maybe after I put the cookies in the oven. I wanna have some of these as soon as possible. It’s a new recipe, Sicheng”

You start laying the cookies out on the pan, the parchment paper crinkling every once in a while from the weight of the dough

He observes every movement your hands make

Patiently waiting for you to finish the task at hand

“So when are you gonna.. you know.. put them in the oven?”

You look over at him as you’re delicately brushing egg whites over the cookies

He’s real desperate for cuddles and here you are, making cookies

y/n, what’s wrong with you? Give the guy some loving

“After the oven beeps. It has to be 175 degrees for these to bake properly. Be patient”

A few moments later, the oven beeps and you FINALLY put the cookies in

Poor guy is nearly jumping from excitement when you finally remove your apron and move to give him a hug

It was now time for Sicheng and he honestly couldn’t wait to receive your attention instead of watching you fuck around with dough and ignore him

Lucas:

Lucas probably could get your attention and cuddles whenever he wants

So when he sees you dusting the house

In your cute little Saturday morning outfit

Shorts that are WAY too short to be allowed in public, and an old tee you’ve had for centuries

He can’t help but want to cuddle his little cutie

But he knows you can be a little bit feisty when you set your mind to something and he tries to distract you from it

Does he care if you get a little upset if he takes your attention for like.. an hour?

No bro, he doesn’t

When it’s Xuxi time, it’s Xuxi time

Besides, when you’re angry, you’re basically just like a little angry hamster

He walks up behind you and suddenly lifts you

And at this point you’re like “wtf is happening?”

Until you realize that the gentle giant (if you’re taller than him, then he’s the midget) of the house is carrying you towards the couch

“Yukhei, I was dusting. Put me down. I need to finish this before I can relax”

“You can finish it later,” he plops down on the couch with you on his lap “right now, you can relax with me”

You basically claw to get out of his grasp to finish your task

But his iron strong grip is keeping you sat upon his lap

Eventually you give up

What’s the use of fighting it

He could probably bench press 40 of you

So 1 of you wanting to get back to dusting is probably like holding a squirming kitten in your arms

You toss the dusting rag in your hands onto the coffee table

And then snuggle into his hold

Yukhei has won

But then again, how could he not?

Xiaojun:

You decided recently to take up a new hobby

And that hobby was dancing

So you decided to try and cover one of your boyfriend’s songs

And wow, to DJ

Coming home from practice and laying his eyes on you attempting to dance to Turn Back Time was the cutest shit-

There you were, in your pyjamas

In the middle of the living room with everything pushed out of your way

Trying your best to follow along with his movements on your laptop screen

“y/n, you do realize you could’ve just asked me to teach you?”

You pause and turn to face him

You didn’t hear him come through the door and now 1.) you were deeply embarrassed and 2.) you ruined your surprise for him

“I wanted to surprise you with it, Dejun..”

God, when I tell you this guy’s heart grew like the Grinch’s after all the Whos showed him the warmth of Christmas (idk if that’s even right I haven’t seen the movie in years-)

He rushed over to you and pulled you into a tight hug

“Let’s go rest. I’m tired after practice and I’d just love some hugs from you”

“DJ, I really want to learn this for you.. You can go rest and I’ll come join you later”

“I can teach you later. Having me teach you would be significantly better than trying to learn from a dance practice video..”

But his attempts to convince you to come cuddle you were futile, as you ‘just wanted to do it by yourself’

Eventually he just resorted to picking you up and throwing you over his shoulder to carry you to your shared bedroom

You tried to protest, but your protests were just as futile as his cuddle requests

He did take the responsibility to teach you the choreography after your little afternoon nap, even if you tried to refuse

Hendery:

Your anniversary was coming up and you thought you’d do some arts and crafts to make a handmade card for Kunhang

You were successful in your endeavour until he found his way into your craft room

Kind of like a sneaky snake

You didn’t realize he was there until he whispered a “whatcha doing?” into your ear

This basically caused you to jump the height of the empire state building

You tried your best to hide the card you were working on, hoping that he didn’t see too much of it

“I was making something for you- for our anniversary”

A grin found itself onto his face

“That’s so cute, y/n” he pulls you into a suffocating but loving hug, “but how about for right now, you come cuddle?”

“I’m busy..” your voice was muffled by his hoodie “I don’t want the decorations to dry wrong, Mr. Wong” (yes y/n, bust out those rhymes)

“Oh come on, I’ll love it no matter what the decorations look like”

The next few minutes were just filled of Hendery’s attempts to get you to be the big spoon because he ‘wanted to know what it felt like’

You finally gave in

Because not gonna lie, cuddles with Hendery are SSS tier

Not before trying to hide the card under a stack of books

You didn’t want him to lay his eyes on it again until your anniversary

Yangyang:

I feel like

With you, Yang² would be clingy 24/7

He just hits me as a lad that would love to show his love for you in any way possible

And because of this, there’s a lot of begging for cuddles

When he comes home to see you curled up in bed with a cold facecloth draped over your forehead

He’s immediately worried

“What’s going on? What’s wrong?”

You explain to him that you think you might have a little flu, but that’s all

And that maybe you being in a close proximity with him wouldn’t be great for him

Still, he attempts to climb in bed with you to hold you close

“Yangyang, I don’t want you to get sick. I don’t want to take care of you when you’re bowing to the porcelain gods”

“Oh come on, y/n. I need cuddles because it hurts me to see you like this... and you should cuddle me because cuddles are the best cure-”

You roll your eyes and sit up from the bed slowly before making your way to the living room, to at least prevent the guy from catching whatever you had

And as you’re heading down the hallway you get the “y/n, y/n, wait”

He grabs your hand and pulls you back towards the bedroom

You’re too weak to protest against this

You used up your energy and brainpower by trying to force Yangyang to leave you alone

It didn’t work, of course

So you gave in

Maybe you did need cuddles from him

You two spent the rest of the day spooning in bed and snoozing

Taking a break when you needed to bow down to the toilet, of course

He was right though, the cuddles did make you feel a bit better

#wayv #wayv scenarios #wayv reactions #nct reactions #nct #nct scenarios #wayv kun #wayv ten #wayv winwin #wayv lucas #wayv xiaojun #wayv hendery #wayv yangyang

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phoenixyfriend · 3 years

Text

AU where Deidara becomes inexplicably fond of 'Tobi' to the point of just going 'fuck it' and following Obito into crazytown and, if Obito survives The Kaguya Nonsense, he now has a bitchy art school grad student following him around like "you fucked with my head for a year after making people pressgang me into a terrorist cell, now it's my turn to fuck with you." This is partly because this one post lives in my head rent-free.

(Brainstormed on discord with help from @britishassistant. Please note that while I do usually headcanon Dei as nonbinary, this brainstorm kept to he/him pronouns and referring to him as a boy.)

Confession that this arose because I keep imagining 'person travels back to the Founders Era and wreaks havoc via Confusions, using different characters capable of 'why the FUCK' reactions every time, pinged on T7+Obito but Obito had to bring Deidara and everyone Regrets, because... boom.

Nobody wants Deidara involved, except Deidara. People especially do not want Deidara and Sai in the same room, because between Deidara's hands and Sai's 'commentary,' someone's going to get murdered. -- (Deidara is of the opinion that he should be involved in everything where there is the potential for blowing something or someone up. Deidara was sort of invited, in that Obito refuses to leave him unsupervised, but nobody really wants him, like, doing things.)

Team Seven is trying to help push a peace treaty through for the Senju and Uchiha. Keeping an eye out for Zetsu, Obito's talking Madara around as the person who actually knows him best, Naruto is Vibing with Hashirama on a level nobody hoped they'd reach, Sakura's smoothing ruffled feathers by healing the dying, Yamato is demonstrating Mokuton as evidence of something, and Kakashi has his hand over Sai's mouth so they don't cause an international incident. Sasuke isn't helping, just kind of in a stare-off with Izuna.

And then Obito says, "Wait, shit. We're missing a blonde." "Where's your idiot, Obito?" "He's not my idiot, Bakashi, he just--" BOOM "Ah, shit." [cue maniacal laughter in the middle distance]

"This is why I told you to keep an eye on him while I talked to Madara!" "I told Sasuke to do it!” "Why do you expect Sasuke to do anything you tell him to do?"

Part of what I was going for was: 1. Deidara and Obito have a preexisting relationship that angles heavily towards mutual antagonism due to the whole Tobi thing. 2. Deidara is both completely unhinged and capable of mass destruction, which means he's perfectly set to Cause Problems. And of course 3. This means a role reversal where Obito finds the shoe on the other foot because now he’s the one trying to rein in Deidara.

Obito is 100% done with Deidara, but this asshole is kind of his responsibility? Like? What's he gonna do, hand the kid over to Onoki? Nah, bruh, his douchebag teenage sidekick deserves better than Iwa. -- (Deidara does not, in fact, deserve better than Iwa.) -- It’s like Deidara is his kid or something, like he knows he’s hellspawn but he’s Obito’s hellspawn.

Madara: You came to convince us of peace, yet you bring-- Obito: No, shut up, it's better than leaving him to his own devices, at least this way I can stop him. Hashirama: How do we convince the Daimyou this is a good idea? Madara: We need to make him think there's a bigger threat, maybe? One that he can't fight without united shinobi clans to hire, rather than pitting us against one another to maintain his economic dominance. Hashirama: But there aren't any bi-- Deidara: I VOLUNTEER

Obito: So what are we going to do? Deidara: Blow up buildings belonging to the rich and powerful. Obito: And what are we not going to do? Deidara: ...blow up the innocent? Like kids? And poor people? Obito: Okay, yes. That's pretty much it. Deidara: Wait, can I blow up a monastery? Obito: Do you want the Shinigami to come after our heads?! No!!! Deidara: What if it's a Jashinist temple? Obito: We have seen evidence that one exists, do you really want to risk it?

Hashirama, full of 😀 : I brought dango! Deidara, to Obito: Are you going to eat it with your eye again. Madara, Izuna, all the Uchiha: [turn to stare] Obito: Literally why do I put up with you.

(Deidara is that one kid who Delights in telling everyone about the weird and dumb shit Obito pulled as Tobi.)

Deidara: Hey, dipshit, you wanna-- Obito:

Also, Kakashi has his four brats so Obito gets to keep Deidara. It’s only fair. -- Kakashi at least has Tenzo to coparent, and some of his kids are well-behaved... ish. They try, at least. Obito's just got a Hell Child who actively delights in causing mischief and mayhem. -- The most Naruto's going to do is dye your hair in your sleep. Sai makes dick jokes and Sakura punches things, but overall, they're not bad kids! Sasuke is. Sasuke. But that's okay, that's why there's a solid five people in that team to handle his bullshit.

Whereas Obito is stuck. With an art school grad student. -- Deidara is contextually the epitome of "I think I will cause problems on purpose." -- (Deidara... is what Tenzo would call “a bad influence.”)

Btw? Keep Sai and Deidara away from each other. Kakashi learns that the hard way. -- "Captain, the art kids are fightingggggg!"

Kakashi: Obito get a handle on your disaster Obito: DON’T YOU TALK ABOUT MY BOY THAT WAY

Jumping back a tiny bit though, Obito regularly asks Yamato to use his Mokuton to seal up Deidara's chakra for a bit. (Is this how it works in canon? Probably not, I think it's just bijuu chakra, but I also Do Not Care.)

But honestly, when it comes to Team Seven, Deidara is that one older cousin at family reunions that teaches you how to hotwire a car. -- Deidara is okay with Naruto and Sakura, ish. -- He antagonizes Sai in a way that ends in tears. -- He. Has to be kept away from Sasuke. For a variety of reasons, most of which have to do with Eyes and Explosions and Itachi.

Sasuke barely remembers who Deidara is, he’s just grumpy he couldn’t bring anyone from Taka with him.

Meanwhile Taka is just. They’re assholes? Taka bitches enough to hunt him down. They excuse it with "Juugo needs you" -- "I'm in a different dimension, eighty years in the past, how did you..." -- "Science ninja. Best sensor on the continent." -- "Also we asked Orochimaru for help." -- "Yeah, we asked Orochimaru for help."

Taka being there signals a marked improvement in Sasuke’s demeanor and cooperation, and Kakashi just resigns himself to having four more kids. -- Juugo is a godsend when he's not being set off into a homicidal rage. And he apologizes! Meanwhile, Karin and Suigetsu are The Worst.

T7+Obito and Deidara have been in the past and bullying the clans into a peace for like a week and then they just hear MASSIVE ROARING a mile away and Sasuke's like "Oh, hey, it's my idiots." -- Sasuke’s grinning for the first time in weeks. (It’s tiny and barely perceptible but it’s there.) -- I don't know that Taka could actually help at all, but they sure can cause more problems. Unlike Deidara, most of them are not intentional.

Suigetsu: Hey, Sasuke, so I know that Deidara guy tried to kill you... Sasuke: He did? Suigetsu: --but would you be mad if I tried to hook up with him? Sasuke: I don't care, knock yourself out.

(Suigetsu is the kind of man that wears tearaway pants just to reveal rainbow leggings that say "I'M GAY" on them. If Suigetsu and Sasuke didn't have at least one 'no homo' make-out session... well, I wouldn't put money on it either way, but I do think it's a valid reading of the text.)

------------------

Deidara: What's it like when Obito actually decides to be serious? Kakashi: Uhhhhhhhhhhhh Obito, previously:

Kakashi: Trauma. It's trauma.

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artificialqueens · 5 years

Text

How To Motivate, Encourage, and Inspire Writers - A Masterpost

Hey guys! I am reposting this guide because it got mysteriously deleted. This version includes some new additions and advice for readers.

This is meant to be a guide to help people give valuable, inspiring feedback, as well as how to send in prompts and requests that are more likely to be used. Remember that these are simply suggestions designed to help YOU as a reader get more of what you want. <3

Please let me know if you have anything to add, as this post was a collaborative effort and it can only get better with more input.

What Readers Can Do

1. Like and reblog the stories you enjoy. Fanfic authors don’t get paid. Their only “currency” is notes and feedback. Seeing the notes climb, as silly as it may seem, is a huge motivator to write more. If you are shy about using your main blog for this, you can always create a sideblog and reblog the fic you like there. Authors will notice this and it’s also a great record when you want to go back to fic that you enjoy!

2. Positive feedback! A simple “I love this” or “I can’t wait for more” is great if that’s all you have to say, as well as general writer appreciation, but even better...

3. Comment with specifics. What did you like about the story or writing style? You can talk about the plot itself, characterization, dialogue, the writer’s voice or sense of humor, how the story made you feel, what you’d like to see more of...anything, even the smallest detail, that made you enjoy reading it. Nothing is more motivating for a writer than knowing that their hard work is appreciated.

Some examples of great comments with places to fill in the blanks with specifics. Feel free to use all or part of these as templates when you want to send a comment but you’re not sure where to begin:

[Author Name] - your last fic was so [complimentary adjective]! You really [description of something they did well]. Can’t wait for your next [story/chapter].

[Author Name] - I love [Title] so much! I especially love [part you enjoyed].

I hope we get more of [Title] from [Author Name]. It is [complimentary adjective].

Just read [Title] and [exclamation]! I am [emotion or state of mind].

I really loved [Title] by [Author Name]! My favorite part was probably [specific impactful theme or moment in fic], because it really made me feel [emotional response].

I am [emotion or state of mind] over [Title] by [Author Name]. It was so [descriptive adjective] when [describe moment in story].

Some more examples of really great, detailed, inspiring comments.

4. Start an actual dialogue with an author. As mentioned above, reblogging with comments (even just in the tags) is great. You can also send asks directly to their blogs, DM them, or send additional asks when they respond. Authors may have questions for you, and being able to interact can easily spark something or help them find direction where they were stuck. You can find a list of authors’ sideblogs here if you want to send messages directly to them.

5. Direct requests and prompts to specific writers who you enjoy. Start with why you like them and then explain your idea or request. By doing that, they will start off knowing that they are appreciated, making them way more likely to get excited by your suggestion. Try to phrase things in an open-ended and positive way. “I’d love to see how you would handle [prompt situation/pairing/suggestion]” or “here’s an idea, I think you could do something really cool with it.” The more detailed and supportive your prompt is, the more likely it is that someone will get excited and inspired by it. If your request is for “more” of something that exists, include a reason why you like that story, author, etc. If your request is for something different, talk about something else you liked and why.

Examples of how to send in requests and prompts to specific writers, or include a compliment:

[Author Name(s)] is/are awesome and I would love for them to write more [ship or thing you love].

I would give anything for more [ship or request], especially if it’s similar to [Title(s)], they are my favorite!

I love [Author Name]’s style so much, and I’d be so happy if they wrote [ship/thing you want from them].

I wonder how [Author Name] or [Author Name] would handle [idea]? I would love to read that!

[Title] by [Author Name] is so [positive adjective]! It makes me really want them to try [idea] because I bet they would [motivating phrase like “kill it!”].

[Author Name] - have you ever considered writing [prompt]? [Motivating sentence like “I would die for that!”]

I really love [ship], especially [story title(s)/author name(s)]. I would love to see one where [prompt].

6. Creating artwork, edits, moodboards, or anything inspired by a story you like. This is like, the PINNACLE for most writers. Knowing that someone connected to something you wrote enough to take time out of their day to create something inspired by your story. It’s like drugs. ART IS DRUGS PASS IT ON.

7. If you are a writer, comment on other writers’ stories! You know more than anyone how hard they worked, so please show your fellow authors some love.

Demotivators

1. Anything that sounds aggressive or demanding. You catch more flies with honey.

2. Complaining about the lack of a certain ship, ESPECIALLY if ANYTHING featuring that ship has been posted in the last month of so. Writers are reading these comments, especially if they have posted recently. Can you imagine how demoralizing it is to post a story and then 3 days later, read a comment bemoaning how there’s NOTHING from that ship, that ship is dead, etc? Like this, written about one of the most popular, enduring ships in the fandom with some of the most prolific, talented writers here:

Don’t be that anon. ^

3. Begging and whining, especially for something extremely vague - this sounds way less cute than you think, and reading something like “I will die if I don’t get more [ship]” is more annoying than inspiring. Especially if, as stated above, the thing you are dying over already exists.

4. Giving nothing at all. Most of the writers expect to at least see their work is noticed. If there are no responses at all, they can’t provide you with anything new. And worst case scenario, they lose the motivation to finish it because they think no one is interested.

Notes From Some Writers (and Readers!)

“I’m famously horrendously bad at abandoning fics but about 95% of my will to continue to keep writing is because I know other people are reading and interested that I keep writing, and I’m sure that’s how a lot of other writers operate too. We’re all fuelled by positive reinforcement, so please tell us! Oh, and btw, commenting just to get mad at lack of updates is not encouragement and is actually super irritating and stressful. Just so ya know.” - Edith

“Having an artist come to you and say ‘Hey, I was inspired by your story’ is FANTASTIC. And also encouraging because someone has taken time to create something and say ‘hey, I really liked the thing you made’. It becomes a cycle.” - Kitschy

“Take a look anywhere, on AQ or ao3 or any other platforms. You’ll see (on ao3), probably at most, 10:1 ratio for hits to kudos, alone. There are even less comments. On AQ, probably a 10:1 ratio for likes to reblogs, and the most popular fics only have a little over 100 notes period. Now, consider that it can take a writer months to be happy with a fic they submit. This takes countless hours. Fiction writers, in real life, get money for their work. We get nothing. Nothing, that is, except whatever appreciation you can give us. If we put work and our hearts and souls into something and get nothing, we question our talent, our abilities, our devotion. We refresh the pages where our works are posted constantly, hoping for some feedback, some appreciation, and most readers only read the fiction and give no feedback or appreciation whatsoever.

“All you, as a reader, have to do to make us happy is take 1 to fifteen minutes out of your day to leave a comment, send an ask, send a message to a sideblog. Leave commentary in the tags if you reblog. Any reaction at all. It is all we get for the work we put in.” - Miss Bianca

“My 2 cents I guess is just to get into a habit of acknowledging works that you like. Even for me I'll read stuff and really enjoy it but forget to comment or like it so I'm gonna work on it and I’d like everyone else do it as well. Once people get in the habit of commenting and liking it becomes second nature and with that kind of positive environment it allows writers to grow.” - MissChimKi

“Going back in time, my first work was posted two years ago, and the last comment I got was a huge thank you for writing such a good story and the emotions of that reader, it’s the kind of tiny little things that give me fuel to keep writing.” - Saiphl

“I once wrote 5000 words in a day simply because someone told me that they were reading my smut in church. So, extreme enthusiasm is awesome, but don’t feel like you have to exaggerate and say ‘this is the best thing I ever read.’ A simple ‘I am going to hell...I was in a church service reading Exposed chapter 9’ is more than enough!” - Veronica

“Something that motivates me as a writer is when readers pick out parts of my fic to say why they enjoyed them. Advice for readers would be to never think you’re complimenting too much! I’ve seen some readers cut their asks short because they don’t want to gush too much. As writers we love praise and attention, we’re like Tinkerbell really!” - Vixen

What It Can Feel Like To a Writer to Read the Asks (Inspired by @artificialeevee )

#reader tips #admin post

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angry--tiresia · 6 years

Text

Why I’m fucked up [part 1]

REBLOG WITH YOUR OWN ‘WHY I’M FUCKED UP’

YES THIS IS ME OVERSHARING

There’ll be 3 parts I think;

1) I always feel stupid

2) I always feel ugly

3) I always feel unwanted

So;

1) Me feeling stupid. In primary school I was bullied, nothing big, a beating here and there but mostly just threats and repeated public humiliation. This made me hate everything to do with school and I don’t think I ever studied for a single test, however it was a rich afrikaans school, and this is an incredibly important point, being in a good school makes it hard to do badly. So even though I did terribly in comparison to my classmates, compared to most people from worse schools I did great. That obviously didn’t matter and I was constantly laughed at for my marks.

Then I decided to change environment to an artschool, started acting classes a week before the audition, and I got in. This school used to accept 10% of applicants based on their audition and every other person in my class had been acting for years and had usually starred in at least one piece of commercial media - I was totally out of my depth and had a lot to catch up, and was again, continually humiliated for my inability to just know what to do. But by the end of the four years I kind of knew what I was doing and it was acknowledged, but by then I’d had years of insecurity buidling up.

Now this school was amazing for the arts, heck even Charlize Theron went there, but in every other aspect it was truly horrible, with teachers blatantly lying to students. For maths, I could count the number of problems we did in a year on one hand. I was best friends with someone who worked 8 hours every day, so they did well, but from primary school - [and an initial month or so in the begining of high school where no teacher would translate single words in test questions/content because I was learning the language] - I knew that I was too stupid to ever reach that point. So they too humiliated me nearly every day, sometimes with a bit of a crowd, for how stupid I was. In grades 10 and 11 my maths teacher called me in at least once a week to tell me that I really don’t have enough intelligence for pure mathematics, and I should rather do mathematical literacy.

But I wanted to become immortal, to get to a point where I was better than I am now, and to do that I’d have to do biology, at a good uni, so I needed maths, and in matric my dad finally convinced me to do some work and I ended up getting the second best marks in my class, with my best friend [whom I was obviously inferior to] got the best marks of anyone in years.

So I got into a good uni for science. But I wanted to prove to everyone for once and for all that I wasn’t an idiot, so though I did biology I also did pure physics and pure maths. And here’s a part to understand, for the past five years I’d been taught crap for maths. And doing maths trains your brain to do maths, it trains you to think in a certain way, and not only was I in class with people that had come from schools that had reputations and were significantly better than mine. And not only that, but the vast, vast majority of them had taken subjects in high school that I had never heard of, ones that had covered essentially the entire first year of mathematics. Throughout this year I was repeatedly laughed at and called an idiot. And even my closest friends would make jokes, for years afterwards, about my stupidity, the only comfort for 3 years being from my best friend [and fp for those that understand bpd] ; “It’s not your fault you made friends with clever people”.

In second year I decided to do physics instead of biology, but at that point the people in my class had again, done applied mathematics in first year, something that was not required but was assumed knowledge for physics, and again, I cannot emphasis enough, it trains their brains to solve that kind of problem, and be more malleable to learn solve those kinds of problems. Objectively at this point I was years and years behind everyone else. It was during this time that my best friend again made a joke that for some reason goes in the book of things that people have said that completely change the way I see the world, myself and the way I act - it was that moment that I was finally convinced that, yes, after almost 14 years of being told I was stupid on a near daily basis, that I was in fact stupid. Even before this, the opinions of people outside my field didn’t matter to me because all my degree was was a mask to hide my stupidity, and I knew fully that any of them could do everything a million times better.

I have tried to fix this, but it’s impossible, I’m to this day seen to be the stupidest person in my friend group, most recently we were at a restaurant and someone made a comment of “who would be the most likely to invent teleportation” and everyone pointed at my best friend, [except said best friend who pointed at me, n’caaw]. Someone said “But [referring to me] has a degree in physics” To which the response obviously is “But [best friend] has the brain for it”.

And my favorite thing is to hear people say “You shouldn’t care about what people think” when they’ve been showered with affirmation for years. The best I’ve gotten is my room mate saying “No, you’re not stupid”, in the same way you would tell a dog “Oh you’re a good boy” and my best friend [only in the past year and a bit] saying “I think you’re smart”. And my parents, and I can’t deny the solid base they gave me, but a solid base can only take you that far.

My second favourite thing to hear is, upon asking for help [which takes nth level courage btw] “I don’t know any better than you” when they’ve literally already made the most perfect decisions or answers for that exact question and you’re entirely lost cause you don’t have 4+ years of direct experience in that field/thing because this is the first time in your life you’re seeing it.

And logically I can see why I feel the way I do. The moment I get good at something I drop it to throw myself into a field that I know nothing about. At the end of high school I auditioned for the new york film academy, and at the time they had no bursaries for South African kids, but they wanted me so badly they sent a million letters to a million sponsors to try get my tuition paid for, but my audition had been live and no bursary came. At the end of my physics degree I went to one of the professors that I thought wasn’t too horrible, and I pitched an idea to him about how to model the fundamental forces in a more unified manner, to which the response was ‘It sounds amazing and innovative, but I simply don’t know enough to be able to tell you anything more’, and had to send me to an expert in the field, who liked the idea enough to want to make me do a project that would lead into it for a masters project, unfortunately I couldn’t. Or my current supervisor, upon hearing my ideas on the possibilities of time travel offered to write me a recommendation letter to the most prestigious theoretical physics institute in the world.

But instead of pursuing any of that I’m throwing myself into software engineering, again, a field I know nothing about, where I will be laughed at and humiliated for not knowing.

And what’s shattering about it all is the way it changes the way I interact. Earlier this year a friend said “I’m going to see a Wagner opera - you’ve probably never heard of him” and instead of replying “No, actually I know Wagner’s work pretty intimately, I can’t agree with the directing style he pioneered, nor his style, however his concept of the ubermensch really inspired me for a while”, I said “yeah, I don’t know much. I think I might have heard his name before” Because, lets be real, they almost definitely know so much more than me.

Or last year I was on set with friends and someone was constructing a grid and they simply wanted to know that if they had [say] 20 tiles and the grid had to be 4 tiles wide, how many layers deep the grid would be. They were 100% in arts and honestly didn’t know how to do it, and in front of a small group of people they asked me, as they knew I was a final year astrophysics - physics major. But in that moment I was too insecure to be able to lift my voice to divide 20 by 4. So I rather said “No, ask [this friend] they know better”

I’m terrified of giving my opinion because I know chances are that it’s wrong, because I’m stupid, and the person I’m telling will know better, and they will see my mistake, and they will make fun of me. AND when I do gain the confidence to give my opinion, usually only to the people very closest to me, they will stop listening to me halfway through my sentence, and I would end it with “Oh, you’re right, no one cares”, and not a single person has ever noticed. Most notably [because I suffer from jealousy when it comes to this person] was when me and my best friend were out, but she was talking to this guy on her phone [someone I’m jealous of for the attention she gives him - I’ll get to his in the ‘unwanted’ section], and eventually she clearly felt bad for straight up ignoring me [lol this is actually seen as abuse towards people with bpd] she said that they were talking about the ethics of supporting a politician who’s personal life contradicts his policy - and, other than being totally jealous of the ability to have such a conversation - she asked for my opinion. So I gave my first point of his policy affecting more people than his personal life so I’d vote for them, to which she responded that ‘he can’t be trusted to stick to his policy if he doesn’t believe in it’. I was a full sentence into my reply when she looked down at her phone and started to message him, and it was just, once again, such a thorough “Lol your opinion doesn’t matter cause you’re stupid and who cares, but his on the other hand” As a safety check I again ended with “Oh yeah you don’t care” with no response. And this also, not from her spesifically, happens about once a week, perhaps once every two weeks, but if we’re going with this week I think we’re going on 3 already and it’s monday.

So, my final note is, why would I feel anything but stupid? On some logical level I want to say that I know I’m not stupid; but it never feels like that, and in addition to that, what evidence is there that I’m not stupid? There is literally none, and significant, 14+ years, worth of proof that I’m an idiot.

Also sorry for grammar/spelling typos, I’m really tired.

REBLOG WITH YOUR OWN ‘WHY I’M FUCKED UP’

#intelligence #insecurity #personal #stupid #help #bullying #bully #lgbt #trans #transgirl #grades #school #university #mathematics #hurts #bpd #actuallybpd #actuallyborderline

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