#ohhh fuck i dont actually know where to put my money here. fuck me

[universalsatan]

kinda wanna set up a betting pool for the ao3 ship brackets. i don’t even know who with, i just wanna be right

#not like i have extra money. it really Is all about the Being Right 💅 #lets see… #MSR is going to dominate. obviously. this is mostly personal but they better absolutely demolish the rest of the tournament #hmm money’s on magnus/alec #then amity/luz. shoutout to those owl house lesbians or whatever for demolishing two hp ships in advance. extra money on them #ohhh fuck i dont actually know where to put my money here. fuck me #i might go with yuuri/victor to play smart. bc i have a feeling jack/ianto mightve been the same just to get larry out of the tourney #supercorp. finally the hp evil can be defeated. we can come together for this #uhhh bagginshield #… if i want to win money i will say blackbeard and stede. jesus christ #oh and im putting my money on wangxian bc im mostly sure a lot of ppl probably voted clint/coulson to spite reylo. bc i did that <3 #sasunaru sweep for side 2 round 3 #look. i have a feeling it’s cause there werent many advocates for hawaii five 0 and most of the votes came from anti wincests #so im putting my money on merthur. we can also defeat This evil #yeah catadora over steve/tony. down with marvel etcetc #hannigram over frerard. oh i guess the voter amount difference is much larger than i expected but supports my hypothesis #if i wanna win the bet. steve/eddie #spirk will fuckin sweep. as they should #OH GOOD. I MIGHT BE ABLE TO RELIABLY PUT MY MONEY ON TENROSE let’s fuckin go #dont get me wrong im still a hoe for aziracro. but tenrose hits me like a fuckin train. and nostalgia #and then. uhhh actually im not too sure. maybe the lesbians??? l #thank you everyone have a good night. #mandont

[sanchoyo]

danny phantom, season 3, episodes 7-13 thoughts! cannot believe im finishing this series so fast. ...cannot believe it ended like that...uh. one of the weirdest finales to a show I think I've seen, it really stood out against the rest of the series, and not in a good way, in my opinion. I paused to yell in caps lock...several times, I think, out of anger... BUT. ANYWAY, HERE WE GO.

see prev episode thoughts in this tag <3

-the fentons putting the kids to Work in the lab, with NO SAFETY GEAR. AT ALL. THEY JUST GOT BACK FROM SCHOOL AND ARE TIRED!!! and when jack asked how danny his day was and danny tried to say it was bad jack cut him off :( for the 400th time, i am stealing these kids.

-maddie and jack IMMEDIATELY SELLING THEIR LAB AND WORK FOR A LOT OF MONEY. and danny cant get into the portal anymore, oh no!!! he could always just steal vlads I Guess.

-THEY ARE VLADS NEW NEIGHBOR. OH MY GOD. this is a sitcom format. a butler came with the new mansion. i would absolutely try a kiwi fudge milkshake, why is the butler disgusted.

-the..guys in white bought the lab to shoot a missile. into the ghost zone thru the portal. bro i hate these guys

-jazz straight up setting her new bedroom up in the library. i am very very jealous

-"RATED E, FOR ENTRAILS"

-I like how the 14 year olds very quickly realize if the giw destroy the ghost zone itll destroy OUR ZONE because its just. like. the other side of the quarter so to speak. and the giw, a fully funded government agency, didnt consider that...(or worse, are willing to risk that anyway...)

-a...graphic novel version of the constitution? what in the world have you been READING SAM

-'cool, I always wanted to be called a meddling kid!' scooby doo reference...

-can they keep the butler. I love him.

-ecto latte....I also want to try that. is ectoplasm edible...

-YESS I KNEW DANNY WOULD USE VLAD'S PORTAL. vindicated.

-DANNY WHY DIDNT YOU JUST ASK JOHNNY NICELY. STEALING HIS BIKE IS SO SO RUDE.

-youngblood is also into astronaut stuff, thats really cute. and him being like 'phantom, dude!! :D' ALL EXCITED. THATS ADORABLE.

-the slapstick comedy of the giw slipping and falling and running into shit in the lab. is funny, but also, because this lab has NOOO safety codes in practice. god its a wonder dannys the only one to have died here...

-JOHNNY, SKULKER AND YOUNGBLOOD HELPING DANNY!!! I keep saying it but the other ghosts helping him. is my fav thing in the world. and, it's a really good thing the missile in the real world was harmless...otherwise the fentons wouldn't have had a home/lab to come back to...

-WULF WANTED POSTER!!! we havent seen wulfy in so long :( very funny the box ghost is offended by how much these ghosts are wanted for. first off, what do ghosts even DO WITH MONEY. does the ghost zone have its own currency??? what are ghosts BUYING

-the box ghost is So Funny, im so glad hes still got his bubble wrap. u are VERY wanted in THIS house box ghost. you are SO scary king. dont give up on ur dreams

-this needs to be a meme format. I made a transparent version, very very messily, for future use.

-this is a Fellow and a Friend

-box ghost accidentally bringing lunch for everyone, and giving people at the mall free shoes. SHOES ARE SO EXPENSIVE, ID BE SO GRATEFUL. helpful king. i feel SO bad for him lmao, he's putting in SO much effort. he wants the evil aesthetic So bad but hes Just Too Silly. I understand your plight, box ghost....

-oh my god. pandoras BOX. 'THOSE OF US IN THE BOX TRADE' HOW MANY ARE IN THIS BOX TRADE. I WANT IN. pandora is a multi-armed ghost goddess and i love her.

-SKULKER WHY ARE YOU RUNNING FROM THE EVIL UNICORN?? YOURE A HUNTER!! JUST SHOOT IT!!!!!!! JUST HUNT IT!!!

-box ghost...where did you get the cowboy hat. I respect it, i just want to know

-JAZZ COMING IN WITH THE BAZOOKA TO FIGHT THE 10 HEADED DRAGON!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!! and the rest of the fentons I Guess

-ignoring the sam/danny moments. I simple do not see them.

-...why doesnt danny just fly over the maze. or do the whole 'real world people act as ghosts in the ghost zone' and turn back!!! I know its just to show off the ghost greek monster designs. but STILL.

-danny being like. um. hi pandora. i found your box. >< polite...PANDORA IS SO GIANT. GIANT GHOST WOMAN. SHES GOING TO BEAT BOX GHOSTS ASS. another ghost thats nice to danny to add to the list :) and HER FORCING BOX GHOST TO APOLOGIZE. and having sandwiches with danny after making box ghost clean up. I LOVE HER.

-DANNYS 'BEWARE' AT THE END JAKHDJFKN

-okay, when dash pulled out danny's seat and was calling him buddy, for half a second I was like 'this is a prank, hes gonna pull it back' BUT THEN FRIGHT KNIGHT MY BELOVED IS BACK. AND EVERYONE STARTS CHANTING FOR DANNY TO BEAT HIS ASS WITH GHOST POWERS AND DANNY DOES WAY TOO EASILY, and im like, yup, this is a dream LMAO

-danny is getting an A+ in science :) my smart son

-DANNY WAKING UP FROM THE DREAM RIGHT BEFORE KISSING SAM AND BEING LIKE 'that was a dream...no, a NIGHTMARE!' same. not to be a hater but, shouldve been val. maybe I am a hater

-...danny running and checking the 'tapes'...why is his whole house constantly being recorded. hes been in ghost form/fights plenty of times in his house. does he have to run and wipe the tapes after?? every single time?? god

-letting this image speak for itself

-this is SO cursed

-NOCTURN'S DESIGN FUCKS SO HARD. the Venice mask vibes. also his space pattern not moving while the rest of his animation does is big chowder vibes. but this guy is basically the sandman but Evil, huh. I love dream plots. also, nocturn's design feels very similar to clockwork, like, red eyes and a scar over the same eye, but also just the purple, and the Cosmic Vibes. I want to see them fight. anyway nocturn's va was also avatar roku AND alfred in several batman cartoons.

-the 'sleepwalkers' designs were super cute in shape (kinda remind me of oogie boogie! pillow-cased shaped, which is appropriate for the 'king of dreams's minions) until I looked closer at their eyes. why do they look sewn shut!! (they open their eyes a few times, so they aren't, but they look like it...)

-I like how this show has been pretty consistent (with a few exceptions) about a Ghost Being Huge (or getting larger) = Very Powerful

-2 months of summer camping??? wtf, do camping things usually take that long?? I've never been to a camping...thing like that. but isnt that basically their entire summer??

-'the entirety of nature is your bathroom!' and thats why I do no camping despite loving nature LMAO.

-sam, at least TRY TO BE NICE TO THE OTHER GIRLS YOU'RE GOING TO BE SHARING A CABIN WITH. also, the amount of times people in this show have their SHOES ON THE BED!!! IM DISGUSTED

-swamp creature Is A Ghost. Big Foot is a Ghost. starting to think in this universe, every single cryptid or legend is a Ghost Actually

-paulina crying not only because star is missing, but because SHE FORGOT HER SUNBLOCK AND SHE BURNS SO EASILY!!!! okay girlfriends

-ghost cops are the real monsters at the camp. i.......I mean. fair. no one missed you walker

-WULF!!!!!!!!!!! WULF IS BACK!!!!!!!! MY FRIEND WULF :D MI AMAS VIN!!!!! kaj danny lernis Esperanto :)

-'relax kid, we arent here to do any harm' *immediately shoots danny* yeah. ghost cops. and also danny bringing walker 'wulf' and walker IMMEDIATELY SUCKING DANNY IN A THERMOS. FUCK OFF

-haha walker Bald. and haha walker Frozen Now

-the fenton thermos can...reverse its polarity to close portals? okay

-LIBERA MIA AMIKO. :")

-ohhh they end the ep with them star gazing, thats pretty cute...

-dani is back! ...with a new voice actress? wiki says AnnaSophia was in 3 diff movies in 2007 when this aired, so she was probably too busy... (including, bridge to terabithia aka the movie that ripped my heart out that I mentioned in the first ep Dani was in...kinda wanna rewatch it now)

-shes still scared of vlad, who's still being creepy and spying on her. 'shes hardly going to come home to daddy!' I WONDER WHY. also does vlad's cat look more evil than last time? love the concept of him going shopping for cats and being like 'give me your most EVILEST looking cat, please, so I can pet it in my spinny chair dramatically!' ...oh god white cat hair on his black suit. I have a black cat and her hair is still way too noticeable..

-vlad has a big 'valerie' button in his office. can he be pressing that button every episode, thanks

-'theres a GIRL called dani phantom?' yeah valerie. no relation, obviously, even with her looking EXACTLY like danny. so sad valerie just wants to help her dad and her get out of the place theyre in now and vlad using her. ill MAUL HIM

-dani having to STEAL FOOD. :( and valerie immediately being like oh poor kid :(( and trying to help her!!! and then dani immediately helping valerie!! this episode is starting SO well

-...and then valerie catching her. DAMN IT. and being surprised dani knew danny?? HELLO VALERIE I KNOW YOURE SMARTER THAN THIS. I AM SO SORRY THEY WROTE YOU THIS WAY. I STILL LOVE AND BELIEVE IN U !!!

-valerie lying her ASS off for a chance at gettin danny. ok <3 also 'they couldnt catch a ghost if it was living under their own roof' JSDHKJHNK

-danny. why dont you just tell valerie!! this would be so much easier if he was direct. there is NO way valerie would hurt danny (fenton) she'd be HORRIFIED. esp since she got on board helping dani!!

*is held* :)

-look at valerie and danny. flying together. about to go beat vlads ass together <333

-DANI SCREAMING AS VLAD IS MELTING HER. WHAT THE FUCCCK

-...fucking vlad convincing valerie hes a good dude with his stupid duplication. FUCK. DANNY JUST TELL H E R

-jesus christ how many times has danny had to watch loved ones die. even if she didnt stay perma-dead. glad they fixed her...

-valerie and dani pranking danny when he came out, oh :( cute...them havin fun and laughing together...babies

-BUT THEYRE JUST LETTING DANI LEAVE, AGAIN??? SHE WAS PREVIOUSLY STEALING FOOD. CHRIST GIVE HER A PLACE TO LIVE. OR A FAMILY. actually, I think it'd be really cute if, since danny isnt ready to out himself, dani went and lived with valerie?? dunno if her dad would have the money but,, it'd be a cute concept. big sis valerie...

-'tomorrow, it's game on!' 'and ill be ready to play!' THE FLIRTING....DANNY/VALERIE REAL

-oh my god,, valerie found out about vlad in the end. But he doesn’t know she knows!!! the DRAMA!!! HOLY SHIT THAT ENDING.

-this episode was. SO Much and probably one of my favorites out of s3. (I mean, there has been a gross lack of valerie this whole season, so thats not a hard choice to make...)

-FINALE EPISODE TIME.

-the title screen looks different! so no title card...

-vlad has his own fucked up satellite that looks like him?? okay. why does the animation look so different?? are they mixing cg in?? for what. anyway, vlad and the gang in SPACE. danny is 100% living his astronaut dreams rn

-'defeating frostbite' YOU BETTER NOT HAVE. YOU STOLE HIS COOL MAP. FUCK YOU VLAD

-wait oh my god. vlad is the final series boss, isn't he. I half expected a fake out, for another boss to show up midway, and for him to finally have to have a real truce with danny for this ep. ITS THE FINALE. VLAD FEELS SO UNDERWHELMING.

-And it's like-- his character isn't bad, i just feel like..he has more potential! they WANT him to seem like some smart super evil genius, but the way he's written makes that SO hard to believe...but the solid backstory and design is THERE and its FRUSTRATING.

-...DANNY CALLING VLAD OUT SAYING HE NEEDS THERAPY LMAOO THATS WHAT IVE BEEN SAYING.

-my grandpa technus is in the finale too :) 'well look on the bright side, at least im not downloading them illegally!' he says while stealing dvds. feels like hes calling me out. im watching this series on a bootleg website lmao. anyway, him turning the tech into a transformer. love that

-mASters BLASters sTOp diSAsterS shut the fuck up. you will never be valerie or danny. bite chomp kill. violence

-like this if u crie everytiem

-my god the 3d/cgi mixed in looks SO BAD IT DIDNT AGE WELL AT ALL

-the white stripe in dannys hair kinda rules tho. did he just KILL HIS GHOST HALF??? 'revert his human half back to normal' UM. you ever unkill yourself. why are his friends/jazz so mad about it, he'll be in a lot less danger!! christ. they can still hunt ghosts!! as humans!! if they want to!! hes 14 if he wanted to be normal. let him. vlads stupid little team has things COVERED apparently. why are they acting like this. jazz would never act like this. is this fake whats going ON

-oh my god jack was in a college band. vlad was also in the band. what did instruments they play. i didnt need that headline to tell me they sucked, but i want to KNOW MORE REGARDLESS

-valerie was here for 0.3 seconds.

-sam calling danny selfish. the audacity. no one is stopping YOU from hunting ghosts, girl. valerie does it!!

-I'm halfway through the episode and incredibly underwhelmed so far.

-why would they send jack and 3 teens to space to destroy the asteroid. why not professional astronauts. not even the 3 teens that have already been to space this episode...

-jack getting beat up by teenagers. ON TV. IN SPACE. I GUESS. I GUESS EVERYONE AGREED TO SEND JACK BECAUSE..VLAD SAID SO? we know it was to embarrass jack, but why would everyone agree. why didnt any other space program Do More or whatever, they sent like, 3 rockets/missiles tops?? no way

-danny attempting to punch vlad in the face. i WISH HE WOULDVE LANDED THAT HIT.

-vlad outed himself on live tv, on purpose? and BLASTED AT THE TEENAGERS HE HIRED. LMAO. HES HOLDING THE WORLD HOSTAGE, MAKING THEM PAY HIM BILLIONS TO STOP THE STUPID ASTROID. THATS YOUR GRAND PLAN??? REALLY. REALLY. im like. lmfao

-jack just now, on the last episode GETTING TOLD HE MADE VLAD A GHOST. THIS SHOULDVE HAPPENED WAY SOONER. jack's reaction was one of the only times in this entire show hes seemed human. 'an old friend? no. you? yes.' GET HIS ASSSS ACTUALLY. HE STRAIGHT UP LEFT VLAD IN SPACE. GOD DAMN. that is a Murder! I mean, I guess vlad could fly back to earth, but...I mean, he'll have to, right? no food in space. (that we KNOW of...)

-'thE WHolE EArtH, INTangiBLe?!' oh my god.

-...the white strand of hair somehow still had ghost dna, I guess, and getting blasted turned him back into phantom. I GUESS. I GUESS.

-the fentons being the first to clap for danny despite not knowing hes phantom...that was sweet. and very sudden character development, not at all gradual over the course of time or episodes like it probably should have been...

-sam and danny kissing. IT SHOULDVE BEEN VALERIE, BUT OKAY, I GUESS. also, its a little underwhelming, considering theyve kissed already...

-ALL of the ghosts being ready to beat danny's ass? really. no they wouldn't, they've worked together before, and some of those ghosts are friendly!! cringe. why is the last ep written like this. I mean they came thru at the last minute but. was really cringing for a minute there, why did they write it like that

-valerie is there for another 0.3 seconds! ....she should've been more involved. dani is also there! for also like 0.3 seconds. almost fast enough to miss. (btw, I think shes still homeless at this point, are, we going to...do ANYTHING ABOUT THAT IN THE LAST 5 MINS OF THE SHOW)

-the cgi smoke or whatever it is. this whole post is me saying the cgi is bad, but IT IS.

-'danny or should we say. DAAANNNNY.' this is like the 3rd or 4th time hes been outed damn, but to the whole world, again. and valerie saw, and is just. an extra in the bg clapping. bro im so mad.

-TUCKER IS THE NEW MAYOR? WHAT THE FUCK?? HES 14.

-i think. this is still linked to the dream ep a few times ago. hes still dreaming. this is a plot a 14 year old would write. this feels like a bad fanfic. so much got rushed, and not tied up. vlad wasnt really even the villain this episode, a fucking. non-being asteroid was.

-they kiss again. ok. sure. whatever at this point.

-VLAD IS NOW A FREE-ROAMING SPACE NOMAD. I GUESS. THATS. SURE. WHATEVER. THE END, I GUESS. cannot believe I'm saying this, but: they did vlad dirty.

-IF YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE HIM A VILLAIN, MAKE HIM A VILLAIN!!! DON'T MAKE IT A METEOR!!! STOP BEING WISHY WASHY WHO WANTS TO SEE DANNY VS ASTEROID!!! I didnt even WANT vlad to be the final villain because his character is SO back and forth (esp this season.) but he has done some FUCKED UP SHIT AND I WANTED THE WRITERS TO DOUBLE DOWN, PERSONALLY, IF THEY HAD TO MAKE HIM THE FINAL BOSS. the cabin ep where he basically held danny and maddie hostage? FUCKED. THE DANI THING? FUCKED. FUCKING COMMIT AND MAKE HIM ACTUALLY SCARY OR HAVE HIM FUCK OFF AND AGREE TO A TRUCE!! WHAT IS THIS DYING IN SPACE NONSENSE. (and, he will (fully) die out there, right? still half human, still needs food and water. I imagine he'll like, slowly half-die but this time his human side is dying. will he come back 100% ghost? we dONT KNOW. WE DONT GET TO SEE, ITS PLAYED LIKE SOME FUNNY THING AT THE END, THEN THATS IT!!! WHAT!!!)

-I don't know how to articulate how FRUSTRATING THAT IS. having him basically out himself and ''hold the world hostage'' does not track at all in my brain. like. he's always been scary because he is HUMAN, TOO. like, if he was 100% ghost, he'd be LESS scary, but vlad MASTERS has more power and influence than vlad PLASMIUS because of his position as mayor, his money, too, and his (supposed, s3 made me doubt it) intelligence/manipulation skills, and his being in good graces with jack made it HARD FOR DANNY. him outing himself for,, money and to 'control the world' i guess?? MONEY WAS NEVER HIS LIKE, MAIN GOAL. yeah obv he likes money and is materialistic and values his Rich Life, but hes got billions, the end goal? 1. getting maddie (and or danny as his son, but to me he always treated that as secondary) 2. ruining jack. this feels like they wanted to say 'oh he just wants POWER' which is. HMM?? OKAY?? obv he /does/ want power (usually over certain ppl, tho), but seeing him try to get it like this FELT WEIRD SOMEHOW. weird like the ep where he tried and failed to take over various historical civilizations, because like,, how is that realistically going to do anything for him?? just, being in that time forever and never seeing maddie aka Goal #1 again?? HELLO??? this was like that, but worse

-this was such a weird ending to an entire show. why did season 3 only have 13 episodes?? why did it feel so weirdly paced?? WHY WAS THE ENDING LIKE THAT. I think. I am going to pretend I did not see that. fucked up, dudes. I'm like...hm. I shouldn't have watched that because now I'm mad. valerie sweetie im SO sorry you shouldve been more present. it felt like..if they knew this season was going to be short, and the last season, they should've spent more time wrapping up EVERYONE'S plot lines for the entire season. imagine how cool it wouldve been if every single ep of season 3 was working towards something, a big, nice wrap up at the end, with nothing feeling TOO rushed because they'd been heading towards the End for the whole season....

I will probably end up writing a follow up full series thoughts post. In a couple of days so I can sit with my thoughts. BUT. overall, I really liked the show! (ignoring the finale and some of the moments that aged pretty poorly...) it was charming and a fun concept and very fun to watch in general :) and I am pretending the finale didnt happen <3 and I’m gonna dive RIGHT into the dp tags and mix fanart and posts in my queue, very excited to run and look at that 🏃🏻 (and, of course, make more fanart myself hehe >:3)

#dp thoughts #danny phantom #sanchoyorambles

[i-idontunderstand-things]

Transcript of 1 Man 100 Accents

I took far too long to do this, but.... it’s done now so I may as well post it. This will help me remember my fave video when it’s deleted :) 

Mark: Argentina. Ethan: Argentina. Capital of the world. When you think of Argentina you think,,,, whO WOULD GO THERE?? *giggling* Mark: I was more lookin for an accent,, more than anything,, Ethan: OH, accent, accent. Mkay, re-run. *twirls finger in air* Mark: Austria. Ethan: Austria.        Ehy mayte-  whlcum tu Aughstria - Mark: Oh god… Ethan: wAIGHT for it though,,, Mark: *laughter* Ethan: Waight until I tell yew,, the country of Aughstria,, k?? We were invited by Gehrmay dyuring the world War Twooooo,,, one??? *laughter* Then Poulanghd said “hay,, how bout we help yu out!” They came oughva, we came oughva, we had a cuppa tea as we do In Austria,,, We said “oY, Germany, mAYBE,, dONT!” N that’s when it oll ‘appened. They kicked out, and I said, “Naw, naw naw, not in the northern hemisphere, gough down to the buttom, the buttom bitch o’ the barrel.” So we went and said hello to the Australians! Commonly miscommunicated with the Austrians. BUT,, we’re not them, they’re not us.         BAck in Austria we go! Roight next to,,, GERMANY, roight next tu Pouland, r- rOIGHT next to France. Mark: Wh- what are you talking about?? *laughter* All  Iwas asking for was an accent you,,, goddamn travesty,,, you human train wreck, you cant keep one train of thought- Ethan: *waggles finger* Next one, next one- Mark: Uhhh, paupa new Guinea Ethan: *looks down* Pff-  couldn’t even tell you where that is- Mark: H- It’s funny cuz I don’t need you to-  

*laughter*

Ethan: Paupa New guinea, I think, sounds-- when I think of it-- I go “PapWAH new guinea”-  which makes me think that they might be Frennnnch…      mghh,,,     HEGLLUOGHHH-  

*both burst out laughing*

Ethan: Weglcome to Paupa New guinea. *laughter* Same as Austria---  We hagve a very similar accents to Austria!!       Wglhcoooome-  t0--  

*laughter*

Ethan: Give me one,, that really hits home- Mark: uhhh, Cuba? Ethan: Cyooba. Mark: *w h e e z e* Ethan: Capital of the cigahr- Mark: *w h e  e z e*

*laughter*

Ethan: When yu think of Cyooba,,

*L A U GH T E R*  

Ethan: When yu think of Cyooba, yu think,,, pghyooo, phyooogh, pghgoo, egl caystro, and his ssssensitive,,,, ssss,, sssIGNATURE mustache- Mark: *losing his shit* Ethan:  Yu tink of the way that he burned the money, to keep his daughter warm at night-

*demonic noises*

He was makin 3, 4, 5, 6, MILLION DOLLARS A dAY,,, selling cohcaine,, in the united states of america!!  Now, when you think, “hey, that’s not vehry cüül,” that’s when we had to embargainze them. Mark: *wheeze* Ethan: We said, “Ey Cyooba!! Back it off a little bit!! We can’t come near you, you can’t come near me, dat’s why we can’t have a shweet shweet smohky pohky,,,, anymore-”  but now- the embargus has been lifted- an’ we can go back to motherland Cyooba- and get our sweet, h o t cigars.  Widen our mouths- and we’ll go- *sucks invisibe cigar*    *coughs*  and that’s ‘ow you know-   it’s a true hghuu---  human cigar.

*laughter*

Mark: I--  I don’t understand what happens in your brain-- *laughter* it doesn’t make any sense at all-- Ethan: Well it makes perfect sense to me :) Mark: Of course it does, course it does.. Ethan: * h a c k*  Next. Mark: ..Russia. Ethan:  …. Wghlcum to Russia. *laughter* Capital of s n o w,,, and bad weather. In here we have,, big radiation poison. It makes your big rats bigger, and your sack hang lower,,, and you-- *laughter* you can’t go anywhere near tha snow.  If tha snow touches you,, you go “ohh FACK-” and then yu ded. You can’t even hh- help yourself-  *laughter* noone can touch yu, noone can hug you- what kind of life is that? Not a life worth wiving. Ghgwhhhh-  *L A U G H T E R* Which is why in nineteen eighty siiiiiiixx?? When chernobl went “Imma,,,, gonna ‘splode now,,,”  people said “FACK.”  Did you know,,, that when you think,, I think… when I think about…. CHERNOBL!! 

*uncontrollable laughter* 

Ethan: My mind says, ‘world war two, world war one, north korea! WHO KNOWS Wh-WHEN IT HAPPENED!!! But it was so SOOON- --  when it happened,, if you do the math …  which i cAnT.. *laughing* You’ll realise it was 30….. yeearrsagooooo…  1986 is when it happened…  Quick, quick do the math for me *snaps fingers* how many years ago?? Mark: 33 Ethan: When it happened, when the whole world said, “We’re going to die. We’re going to die. The llll,, the radiation was swpt up by the wind, much like the fires of…. North california-  

*laughter*

Mark: Oh god… oh god-   Ethan: And they were swept- swept- swept- swept- swept- and they went up into the smoky air,, and they… okay,, picture this alright??? One time, you’re going to bed,, and you wake up and you go pee in the night… and you see BOOM BOOM BOOM all over the place… from one… place actually. Mark: *actually suffocating from laughter* Ethan: uh,,, only one explosion. *C O U GH* ighgh- it gets me choked up sometimes- aghibfuh- it went SUPER BIG, and the whole government said,, “don’ worry about it,,, you cant…. The radiator cant ‘splode! It’s impossible!” Well listen here,, PHUCKER. IT IS!! It happened 2… years.. before 35 years ago!!!  33 years ago it happened ! Swept up by the wind,, it,, Sweden said, “Oh, we can feel it,,” and so they said “okay, we have to get it under control” they put so much sand *laughing* o- on top of it- *dissolves into laughter* Mark: your Russian accent has slipped a little bit- Ethan: yu don know anything-- Mark: *bursts out laughing* Ethan: They put some sand on top some dogs died some kids died and they tried to evacuate the WHOLE area but it was too late for them they said “ohhh yu can survive-” but now people go back,,, to BULLETS,,  *pause* Sooo,, it’s still bad there. *Mark bursts out laughing* Mark: good god, man, I’m just lookin for an accent.     You good? You good man? You good? Ethan: Wrap it up. Also Ethan: Next one. Mark: what?? Ethan: Ye, sure. Mark: Ughh, alright,, give me some Italy. Ethan: *scrunches his face up, preparing his accent,*  Alexa? Play when the moon hits your eye its a big piece of pie,, song,, Alexa: Here’s Spotify (starts playing That’s Amore) Ethan: *mumbling* fucking.. asshole… Alexa stop. Alexa: *continues playing* Ethan: *mumbling along with song* shit… *puts on baby hands, hits camera* ringalingaling, bitches fkn shit…     PAUSE!! PAUSE!! ALEXA!! PAUSEIT!! YOU STAY! You stay here ! shh! *blows kiss, gets up from table* you stay here! You don’t move a muscle! Stay! Stay. *walks away from camera, up the stairs* Mark: *to Spencer* Spenceyyy,,, you wouldn’t happen to know what happening here, would you?? Spencer: Mark: Spencer… your master has gone crazy! You need to run. Run away spencecr.. It’s not safe for you here… what the hell?? Alexa: *starts playing Lose Yourself as Ethan runs down the stairs with baby hands on* Ethan: *basically fucking turns into Eminem*  through this hole that is gaping…… *bursts out laughing* as we move farther, new world order.. *flailing arms around, knocks gum off counter* *further struggling*   Can,, can this be done?? 

Mark: *laughing in complete confusion*   Goodbye,, remember that we only have a year. Ethan: H-- *contorts face* how much time do we have left???  Ghhghg Mark: ah,, fuckin,,,  

 *timer*

#crankgameplays #unus annus

[sukirichi]

read the new chapters and aAAACKKKKK BESTIE???

y/n - ‘I was born to make everyone’s life a living hell’ maam this LINE?! JAW DROPPED, TIME STOPPED being insecure all her life and wanting to live up to the expectations to her dad just to have that sliver of attention from him, that sentence gives us a glimpse on how little she felt despite being accomplished, rather successful actually because she always cleans her boss’ mess have a lot of baggage to unpack. and when the secret was confirmed, her anger rejects all of the entity that ties with her past because both her parents deprived her for the things she was supposed to have– becoming greedy to fulfill those. then eventually, somehow, going back to her roots aka being humble after having the talk with her dad. As most of her insecurity started because of him and how she had to be the bigger person for his other family, clearing out the misunderstanding between them brought a sense of peace  while she’s settling in the restless turn of events.

and with our main man gojo, this guy, it is not wise to- 😤😤 how can you say you’re engaged after doing the body tango huh? esp when you said you want y/n to be your wife? oh gee and the revelation of his past relationship with mia and how he sees her in y/n is so fucked up. can’t help but think that satoru wanting to marry and be this lovey-dovey with y/n is just him reliving the moments that mia never gave him in the past. and y/n accepting that their current relationship is based on how they’re filling up the cracks in their needs and settling for the sake of familiarity. imagine how deep in love our girl is to keep satoru in her life 💔 im still in it for the second lead agenda

needless to say, everyone here needs a therapy so they can get their shit straight together 🤧🤧 (ノ•̀ o •́ )ノ ~ ┻━┻

BUT i know you mentioned this many times but laywer! naoya all poised and in his best behavior while helping y/n in her new situation has my heart go💕💕 winning lots of cases and is known in his field, he proved that he is both beauty and brains. and the pen spin??? man be pulling those fast spins either to distract or impress the person he is talking to flashing those perfect white pearls wtf now i can’t get that out of my head naoya brain rot 🥵🥵 also celebrity chef! sukuna in charge of all those delicious, exquisite cuisines? imma make myself broke just to taste his masterpiece🥲 ooh but how about him being a michelin star chef and owning a michelin-starred resto?! no doubt, left and right you see this man appearing on some high food magazine on the cover 😊😊 oh oh i also saw that supermodel! choso?? also his face is plastered on magazines AND luxurious advertisements ex. shibuya crossing! where most people be drenched in his glorious presence yea weird shibuya arc ref pls kill me and everyone talks how handsome and intimidating he is while he just have a rbf and only the closest people in his life get to see him drop that front 😌😌

with that in mind, imagine supermodel! choso being a godfather to the baby of y/n?? he would go soft immediately at the sight of the child and would probably love giving lots of branded clothes it will be good enough for more than a year ☺️🥲😭

oh and there is this one scene in chp7 that reminded me of the recent korean movie i watched i dont wanna say it in case you wanna check it out its called sweet and sour and oh god idk why but watching it, mind keeps on prompting your fics 😬😬 maybe bcos i some of your fic always had med related topics and the main actress role there is a nurse. i remember that you’re on your clinic training so maybe thats why 😳oohh pls don’t forget to take breaks and be safe heart and oh ur a psych major too? oh wow hi ig in relation to one actress in the sweet and sour fic, she was also in a kdrama the heirs- which was popular at the time with it being packed with some solid household actors and actresses. sky castle tho, ig it relates to the theme of reckless more because its mostly how parents from the upper class will mindlessly destroy someone’s life to attain their materialistic desires  🤧🙂

this fic, easily in my top 3 ‘heart belongs to who it dictates’ so many twists, so much drama and ANGST! YES BESTIE GIMME THOSE ANGST 🥲😌

i hope you’re doing well nowadays :’)) we need to find gege the best chiropractor to take care of his back, so good that it’ll make naoya respawn to life 🙂 suki i don’t think i’ll get tired of saying how much i love your work that it feels illegal im reading it for free 💔. i don’t really have much to offer, but im wishing you good health and success in your life :’)) aah i’ve mentioned this already but take care always 💕💖😊🥰

- 🍳

read the new chapters and aAAACKKKKK BESTIE???

y/n - ‘I was born to make everyone’s life a living hell’ maam this LINE?! JAW DROPPED, TIME STOPPED being insecure all her life and wanting to live up to the expectations to her dad just to have that sliver of attention from him, that sentence gives us a glimpse on how little she felt despite being accomplished, rather successful actually because she always cleans her boss’ mess have a lot of baggage to unpack. and when the secret was confirmed, her anger rejects all of the entity that ties with her past because both her parents deprived her for the things she was supposed to have– becoming greedy to fulfill those. then eventually, somehow, going back to her roots aka being humble after having the talk with her dad. As most of her insecurity started because of him and how she had to be the bigger person for his other family, clearing out the misunderstanding between them brought a sense of peace  while she’s settling in the restless turn of events.

and with our main man gojo, this guy, it is not wise to- 😤😤 how can you say you’re engaged after doing the body tango huh? esp when you said you want y/n to be your wife? oh gee and the revelation of his past relationship with mia and how he sees her in y/n is so fucked up. can’t help but think that satoru wanting to marry and be this lovey-dovey with y/n is just him reliving the moments that mia never gave him in the past. and y/n accepting that their current relationship is based on how they’re filling up the cracks in their needs and settling for the sake of familiarity. imagine how deep in love our girl is to keep satoru in her life 💔 im still in it for the second lead agenda

needless to say, everyone here needs a therapy so they can get their shit straight together 🤧🤧 (ノ•̀ o •́ )ノ ~ ┻━┻

BUT i know you mentioned this many times but laywer! naoya all poised and in his best behavior while helping y/n in her new situation has my heart go💕💕 winning lots of cases and is known in his field, he proved that he is both beauty and brains. and the pen spin??? man be pulling those fast spins either to distract or impress the person he is talking to flashing those perfect white pearls wtf now i can’t get that out of my head naoya brain rot 🥵🥵 also celebrity chef! sukuna in charge of all those delicious, exquisite cuisines? imma make myself broke just to taste his masterpiece🥲 ooh but how about him being a michelin star chef and owning a michelin-starred resto?! no doubt, left and right you see this man appearing on some high food magazine on the cover 😊😊 oh oh i also saw that supermodel! choso?? also his face is plastered on magazines AND luxurious advertisements ex. shibuya crossing! where most people be drenched in his glorious presence yea weird shibuya arc ref pls kill me and everyone talks how handsome and intimidating he is while he just have a rbf and only the closest people in his life get to see him drop that front 😌😌

with that in mind, imagine supermodel! choso being a godfather to the baby of y/n?? he would go soft immediately at the sight of the child and would probably love giving lots of branded clothes it will be good enough for more than a year ☺️🥲😭

oh and there is this one scene in chp7 that reminded me of the recent korean movie i watched i dont wanna say it in case you wanna check it out its called sweet and sour and oh god idk why but watching it, mind keeps on prompting your fics 😬😬 maybe bcos i some of your fic always had med related topics and the main actress role there is a nurse. i remember that you’re on your clinic training so maybe thats why 😳oohh pls don’t forget to take breaks and be safe heart and oh ur a psych major too? oh wow hi ig in relation to one actress in the sweet and sour fic, she was also in a kdrama the heirs- which was popular at the time with it being packed with some solid household actors and actresses. sky castle tho, ig it relates to the theme of reckless more because its mostly how parents from the upper class will mindlessly destroy someone’s life to attain their materialistic desires  🤧🙂

this fic, easily in my top 3 ‘heart belongs to who it dictates’ so many twists, so much drama and ANGST! YES BESTIE GIMME THOSE ANGST 🥲😌

i hope you’re doing well nowadays :’)) we need to find gege the best chiropractor to take care of his back, so good that it’ll make naoya respawn to life 🙂 suki i don’t think i’ll get tired of saying how much i love your work that it feels illegal im reading it for free 💔. i don’t really have much to offer, but im wishing you good health and success in your life :’)) aah i’ve mentioned this already but take care always 💕💖😊🥰

- 🍳

y/n becomes a real baddie when she’s pissed off 😫

hmm y/n wasn’t really working hard for her dad’s attention, it was more like she felt so left out and unwanted (she feels unwanted wherever she goes) that she just decided to pack up and support them from afar bcos to her, she’s so alienated in her dad’s family that she felt like she had to work hard to earn a spot in their table. she knows she’s the outsider but she wants to feel like she can be part of them, that she is also a child deserving of love and care, but becos her stepmom focused more on her actual kids and her own dad was too busy with his new family now, it made y/n feel that she had to do something to be worthy of that.

that’s why most of the money she made working in tokyo was still wired to her family; she put her brothers in school and supported them, all because she hoped it would make them accept her more. now, things are different because she finally found her biological family, but even if valeria and co. still don’t want her, y/n is now more focusing on building something that’s truly hers that no one can take away. yes yes, she did become greedy, but more for power than of acceptance. she got to a point she doesn’t care as much vying for her parents’ approval and now thinks her luxury gives her comfort; only because at least she has that much. like she said in the latest chapter, happiness was not what she needed, it was stability and money - all things she lacked before.

and yea she did go back to her roots! all of her issues started with her dad anyway but that part is slowly patching up 🩹💔 oooh actually your theory is right bestie 🧐 gojo found y/n interesting bcos she reminded him of mia, so the more she pushed him away, the more he’s like wait, i’ve been here before, let’s not repeat past mistakes but i can do better now. on the part where gojo talked to mia while she was asleep, notice how he said he’s given a second chance to do better now, all because he couldn’t do them with mia but he could with y/n.

ohhh actually y/n was the one who established that ‘fulfilling mutual need and settling for familiarity instead of being lonely’ type of relationship. gojo avoided her for weeks and he’s pretty settled in keeping his distance, but she was the one who sought him out. deep down, y/n is afraid if she doesn’t at least use him as an anchor to her more humble roots, then she might spiral out of control and end up like valeria, thus using him as a ‘distraction’ but in reality, she needs his comfort to be grounded.

SECOND LEAD AGENDA OMG LETS GOOO 🏃🏻‍♀️🏃🏻‍♀️🏃🏻‍♀️ geto the fine fine option.

NO BESTIE MOMENT U MENTIONED LAWYER NAOYA I JUST KNEW I WAS GONNA SCREAM. okay but lawyer! naoya is so fine, i love his character so much bcos he’s a pure bean. originally, i was gonna make him an antagonist but i found he had more potential as a good, supportive character. HIS PEN SPIN HELPPP WHY COULDN’T HE JUST BEEN OUR BABY DADDY 😫 he pulls them fast spins bcos he’s nervous btw HAHAHAHA y/n can be quite intimidating and lawyer! naoya is sometimes too precious.

celebrity chef! sukuna is MEAN! he was pictured after gordon ramsay so lmao. omgggg sukuna being famous not only for his food but also his handsomeness 😳 he gets so cocky over how no one can get in his level while popping a battle of champagne, listening to ‘careless whisper’ while dancing to his reflection in the mirror 😤

also yoo supermodel! choso is THE hot shit 🥵 he’s so famous his schedule is packed for an entire year and a half and those are just for very selected brands and designers! ugh imagine going to work on the subway when you see supermodel! choso with rbf posing sexily and you swoon because he’s so sexy. plot twist that choso doesn’t know how to drive bcos as a kamo family member, they grew up with drivers taking them to and fro, so when his driver got sick and everyone else was busy, supermodel choso takes the subway himself and hides behind a face mask and cap while still wearing extravagant clothes that makes him stand out more. he does not have ‘subtle’ on his book at all.

and yeah people say he’s intimidating but its more his height and build + rbf! in reality, he’s just as soft and sweet as naoya, but both of them go into protective mode when someone they care about is being crapped on. and boy when they DO get into “what did you just say?” mode, better run away 🏃🏻‍♀️ supermodel! choso is also an heir to the kamo empire though not after the business, but he still has enough power to take you down in a second.

meanwhile, lawyer! naoya didn’t become this successful without being so savage yet composed he makes you question your entire existence before he drags you to court. lawyer! naoya is so scarily convincing that he can make you plead guilty even tho you did nothing wrong 💀

aaaah omg supermodel! choso LOVES babies actually! as the eldest child who looked after his brothers bcos the kamo parents are always away for work, being a father figure is so natural to him. i can picture him being the one who cries harder than gojo if the baby is born bcos he’s so excited, then reads poems to the baby before sighing that childbirth is such a beautiful thing 🥺

omg i know sweet n sour, the actresses are one of my faves tho i haven’t watched it yet! oooh they’re a nurse? i didn’t know that 🧐 i actually finish my short training in a week so i’ll be heading on to heavy majoring in psychology! wait bestie are YOU also a psych major 😳💕 oh and i see i see, sky castle *jots that down for future references* reckless actually has lots of significance in terms of the parents’ roles so i’m excited to see that! and aww thank you so much, can’t believe i made it in someone’s top three 🥺💕

HELP AHSKWKW i’m gonna call the best chiropractor in the world and send them gege’s way, i’ll cry a river if that’s what it takes to bring my boo back to life 😭 and noo baby the support already means a lot to me, i’m just happy to indulge in my hobbies and share it wih you all so thank you very much for everything 🥺 please take care of yourself too n have a nice day!! kith MWAH 💕

#asks with naoya's trophy wife #series: reckless #jjk: manga spoilers #anon:🍳

[musicdork]

hello am SO TIRED, painting took so much outta me. i painted my room all by myself and it took about half the day wowie. but it is DONE and now i just need to decorate💪🏼💪🏼 i saw ur post about only sleeping four hours and EXCUSE ME, U BEST BE HAVING MORE SLEEP THAN THAT U NEED IT FOR NUTRIENTS(that makes sense) also where r my manners i just relized i have YET to send in anything about ur mans josuke??? heres a tik tok that i think u will like. i’m a silly billy 100% so—https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJbM9NGV/ i hope u have seen clone high (or at least the memes u kno)

oh i wanna read stone ocean SO BAD, but also i want to try and attempt to be a good noodle and read all the parts beforehand yknow😖 but when stone ocean anime comes out...u best be knowin..i will Look and Simp all the way.. also v nice about the rewatches!!! diu is genuinely such a feel good part, the most out of all the other parts imo. its upbeat, its colorful, its silly, gah. so good. not 2 mention those bombass ops. UNF the songs r so good. i like how ur rewatching part five :) i think vento aureo is my personal comfort part(despite the tragic events AAAAAA) the visuals and the location and the characters..so beautiful. its physically satisfying for my eyeballs to look at u know?

ohhh man not me listening to the kakyoin playlist before i went to bed last night...not me catching feelings and being IN my feelings while listening to the playlist and desperately wanting to cuddle with him as i fall asleep....n most of the songs in the playlist i knew already i felt so cool dude😎

thats awesome abt college!! and VERY NICE WITH UR DOUBLE MAJOR LIKE UHHHMMMM thats so intense??? crazy. what a smart person. u got it in the bag bro. also its my second yr in college rn, and i aspire to be a professional musician :) but the motivation IS lacking, i dont blame u. esp with covid restrictions making everyone work online and cut off different real life interactions, its fucked and screwing everyone up. no cap. but ANTWAY how was ur day?? i hope it was nice ??!?!! :) did u do anything interesting? even if it was watching tv rolled up in a blanket? (im doing that rn)

(guess who saw ur kakyoin reblogs?? and LOVED THEM??? thank u for the food..,.i am a bad noodle i need to find some fire josuke to reblog. just for u)

-from the tiredest secretive mostnt strnskslymyn andjfoeorngswo ANSON 😗😗😗🤙🏼 🥰

i got sleep dont u worry!! but hell yea, you got the big job out of the way >:D painting a room sounds tiring i,,, you poor soul hhh

I SAW THE TIKTOK

AND MY BROTHER GAVE ME A WEIRD LOOK LIKE “wtf u laughin at” he wanted to see, and he did, but he didn’t get it slkfemsnekj i didn’t get it too much either?? i’ve only seen,,, 3 or 4 episodes of clone high but i know who that Bastard is and i laughed my ass off. i’m also listening to a playlist i made for josuke atm uwu i am really glad you liked the kak playlist!! you are a Legend for knowing most of the songs. i only know some bc of the memes :’)

it’s very valid that you’re trying to read jojo chronologically. i’m just,, impatient LMAO. i plan on actually reading all of it but it’ll probably end up like how i read haikyuu,,, i’ll be fixated for a week or so, put it down for like 3 months, then remember that i wanna read it, read One (1) chapter, then put it down for another 2 months, then bLAZE THROUGH IT LMAO. reading digital manga has been kinda odd for me,, i tend to procrastinate a lot,, but yes!! part 5 has some amazing visuals and i am jealous like?? i wanna go to itally??? i’ve kinda always wanted to go i shove down my hetalia phase and i even tried to learn italian!! but,, didn’t last,, haha,, i still appreciate the culture and all that tho <3

sm...smart? homie i am failing two classes im, im no way smart i just like torturing myself i think. i can be over ambitious too sefklslek bUT YO?? YOU WANNA BE A MUSCIAN?? :0 THAT’S HELLA POG TF!!! you better invite me to your concerts in the future or i am suing you Somehow. wait do you play an instrument or do you sing?? :0 either way, you my friend are So Cool what the hell. i get to be moots with u?? im gonna cry-- i’m kinda glad covid happened only for the reason that it gave me extra scholarship money, very pog. other than that it needs to go away lmao.

but skdelk my day was Okay at most. i was sleeping for a good bit of it,, it kinda fucked up my plans for today honestly. i’ll try to get my day together eventually,, i hope your day was good dude!! am glad i can keep u well fed hehe

#stealthiest brave anon 😌 #u r also so fucking funny #you have me laughing whenever you send your asks #i really thought i found u this morning tho #BUT I DIDN'T #and im so confused like how can i not find u if ur a moot..... #i checked All of my /followers/ which is only like... 30 ppl #im Confused

[kweebtrash]

Eres Mia (M)

Messy Chapter 8

Pairing(s): OC X Johnny

Genre: College AU, Fuckboy AU, Angst, Smut, a smidge of fluff/awkwardness

Summary: Fuckboys are basically good for one thing. You hit it and quit it- except when his voice draws you in, his body keeps you there, and dumb ass feelings linger making things particularly messy.

Warnings: mentions of drugs/alcohol, talks about suicide, the teeeeniest bit of violence, possibility of emotional manipulation, jealousy/possessiveness

Features: unprotected sex, creampies, rough fingering/finger sucking, oral/throat fucking, a little hint of bondage, rough hair grabbing, squirting, overstretching/gaping, daddy/princess dynamics, choking, relentless/brutal/deep thrusting, a bit of overstimulation/multiple orgasms, also being covered in cum

Word Count: 21,103K

A/N: So explanation about this chapter: It has some cultural references that maybe not everyone will get but I can explain them if anyone wants to send me a question about it. If you haven’t figured it out (or even just made a generalization) Eri is afro-carribean (the exact island is left vague on purpose, but it would be in the latinx part of the cluster). There’s also spanish in the chapter and tbh use google translate and if you still have problems again just message me.

Messy Masterlist   Buy me a Ko-Fi    Other Stories

The Boys Group Chat

Taeyong: 5

Lucas: what???

Ten: 5 what?

Taeyong: my score with Eri is at 5.

Lucas: HOLY FUCK

Taeil: OHHH HOW THE TABLES HAVE TURNED.

Ten: how?? When??? What???!

Taeyong: last night. Shower. Against the wall. In the bed twice. And our usual against the door.

Lucas: how tf did u manage that??

Lucas: i thought you hated her

Taeyong: i never hated her. It was just the drama and shit

Taeyong: like at the party i just didn’t want a fight to break out. i didn’t want the cops called or anything

Taeyong: so like i kicked her out but it was just because i knew she would have thrown the first punch

Lucas: well you aren’t really wrong

Lucas: i don’t blame you for not wanting the cops to show up

Taeyong: i had under 21 friends there. I didn’t want them to get in trouble

Ten: how did you even manage to get her to fuck you???

Taeyong: she called me actually. She was drunk af but sobered up before she got here

Ten: i cannot believe

Ten: i haven’t even been able to get with her AT ALL lately

Johnny: wtf is going on

Taeil: oooooooffff this is….

Ten: the tea brews itself

Johnny: Taeyong what did you say

Taeyong: i fucked your girl. She came to me instead of coming to you

Yuta: dude this is…

Johnny: don’t go near her again

Johnny: i mean it

Taeyong: dude i’m not scared of you

Taeyong: yall arent even official

Johnny: i don’t care

Johnny: dont touch her

Yuta: johnny quit it

Yuta: you can’t hog her to yourself

Yuta: just like jae can’t hog quinn

Ten: just admit ur jealous and move on.

Johnny: im not jealous

Johnny: you just dont deserve her after the stunt you pulled at the party

Taeyong: clearly i do because shes been thinking about fucking me for a long time

Taeyong: maybe even while shes been fucking you.

(Johnny has left the chat)

Ten: fuck

Yuta: this is getting fucking ridiculous

Yuta: i mean she texted me like when she was with him i think

Yuta: like she didnt care that she was with him and was being cute with me

Lucas: she flirts with everyone

Lucas: do you think she does actually wanna be with him?

Taeyong: who cares

Taeyong: fact of the matter is shes up for grabs

Taeyong: and if I wanna go after her i will

Yuta: WHOA WHOA

Yuta: you mean try and date her?

Ten: taeyong thats not a good idea

Taeyong: i never said id date her

Taeyong: but if shit happens, shit happens

Taeyong: thats all im saying

–

It was strange waking up in bed next to Taeyong. We had never done that before especially since the last time we were together we had to leave the office quickly. He looked strangely innocent when he slept, his shaggy hair ruffled and sticking up in random places and lips slightly pouted. I watched his chest rise and fall with each soft breath for a moment while I tried to keep my head from spinning. This…might have been a bad idea. I was in my feelings for Johnny and I knew that I only hooked up with Taeyong as a sort of rebound/revenge plot. I didn’t want to tell him that but I was sure we were still platonic enough that it didn’t matter. Taeyong wouldn’t make things weird or messy. This would just be a one time thing…or a five time thing. We may have gotten a bit carried away. He was tentative in the shower, making sure that I was still sober enough to be okay. He washed me, helped me wash my hair, and let the heated water run over me to warm me up. And when he slid down to wash my legs his lips met between my thighs and I couldn’t help but give in to his tongue.

He was no Taeil but he knew enough to make me try and steady myself against the slippery tile and grip onto his hair tightly. It was relaxing to finally get off by being eaten out, to just sit back and let him do all the work. It was definitely something I missed. After the shower, we dried off and he put me into some of his pjs (which were tight as all hell on me) and we relaxed in his bed. I got some more water in me and slowly weaned off the rest of the alcohol. Somewhere in the middle of trying to sleep we got lost in each other’s lips which somehow lead to him keeping me against his bedroom wall and fucking me as deep as he could go. Mid morning came and we didn’t want to get up. So of course the next option was to 69 then fuck me into the mattress. Just when I thought I would finally be able to leave he wouldn’t stop kissing me as I got to his bedroom door and we had a proper deja vu moment of last semester.

By the time I actually got home it was late at night and I was sore as all hell. I left him covered in hickies, scratches, and bite marks- my typical calling card- and he left me wanting to sleep for days. I collapsed on my bed unmoving for hours on end and barely making it to class the next day. Johnny was there of course and I tried my best to avoid him like the plague. That was always the hardest part. When we were on our highs, being next to each other radiated chemistry and we would rather pass the time sexting than paying attention. When we were on our lows, everything was ice cold and I detested even being within his vicinity. He still wouldn’t open up to me or even let me tell him that it was okay to cry. He didn’t need to worry about that with me. Of course he wouldn’t listen and we were stuck in a frozen tundra that didn’t let us move one way or the other. I tried my best to instead focus on studying for once. My grades were alright but they could definitely be better and I didn’t want to have to waste more money repeating classes. I spent my nights hitting the books and hoping I could retain enough information to pass. I was holed up in my room as usual when I heard knocking on the front door and i wondered if maybe Quinn forgot their keys. It seemed a little early for them to come home from being with Jae. I set my textbook down onto my desk and padded towards the living room. When I opened the door I hated what I saw.

His eyes were bright red and he reeked of menthol and weed. He leaned against the door frame, a big grin on his face that happiness didn’t seem to be the cause of. “What are you doing here?” I whispered in disbelief.

“What am i doing here?” He licked his lips and chuckled. “What are you doing fucking Taeyong?”

My eyes went wide. “Did he…did he tell you?”

“He told everyone in our chat. 5 times, huh? That a record or something?”

I backed away from him hating how he was acting and being hurt that what I did was blasted over some group chat. I couldn’t believe Taeyong would do something like that. I had stated plenty of times who i had hooked up with but it was on my terms, with my permission, not like gossiping around a watering hole. “You need to leave.” I swallowed hard and didn’t look at him. My voice was too unsteady for that.

I heard the door snap shut and looked up to find him looming over me. “Not a chance. Not until I make you forget all about that stupid bastard.”

He grabbed onto my sweater and pulled me towards him, easily overpowering me to crash his lips against mine. I clawed at his coat, digging into the soft fabric as I tried forcing myself away. I slammed the side of my fist into his chest and pushed him back. “NO! You don’t get to do this! You don’t get to come back into my life whenever you decide to! I’m not something to have at your convenience and I sure as hell don’t need you to keep leading me on.”

“Leading you on? Where am I leading you too?” His hands still had a hold of my neck and shoulders which I could not shake.

I could feel the tears already trying to come forth but i grounded myself, dug deep within me to stop them. “Leading me to you. I always get led back to you.”

“You don’t want to get led back to me.” He laughed. “I’m fuckin’ useless!”

I grabbed at his hands, wanting them off me. “Stop that! I’m not your fucking therapy and my purpose is not to fix you.”

“I don’t want to be fixed! I want to be fucked!”

“And that’s another layer to your goddamn problem, Johnny! Life isn’t all about diving into sex to make yourself forget! You need to reevaluate what’s going on in your life before you put your hands on someone else’s.”

“I don’t want you to have Taeyong on you.” He kissed me, gentler this time. “Or Lucas.” Another kiss. “Or Taeil.” A small lick. “Or Yuta.” He sucked on my bottom lip for a second before kissing me again. “Or anyone else.”

“You cant have me all to yourself. That isn’t how this works. You don’t want me, you only want what you see on the surface. You don’t give a shit about what’s beneath and you definitely don’t want to see it.”

He released me from his grasp and scoffed. “The surface? I’ve let you dig inside my brain more than anyone else in my life. You’re stuck inside there now, you can’t move. You know how sick i’ve felt, how weak i am, how less of a man i am-”

“Save that bullshit, Johnny! It’s not true! I told you it was okay to cry! It doesn’t mean you’re less of a man! It just means you’re a normal human being. Men can cry. Men can show emotion and they should. I just wanted to help…to be there for you.”

“You’re wrong. I’ve always had to be the man. There wasn’t any room for me to cry!” He screamed. “You want to talk about not wanting what’s beneath the surface? You’re already there, Eri. You’ve seen everything I could possibly hate to show anyone.”

“And yet you’re coming to me just so you can be buried inside something for an hour or two. That’s what it’s actually like to feel useless and discarded. I know you don’t fucking care and you never will.”

“This is starting to get messy…it’s a clusterfuck and it keeps growing.”

“You just keep fueling the fire.” I said. “I’m not going back. I can’t. My heart can’t take it. I hate seeing you like this. I hate hearing you like this and I want to help. I really do. But i can only take so much before you start swallowing me whole.”

He grabbed me again, pressing me against the door and trapping me between it and his body. “This is how you help.” His breath was heavy against my neck, tickling the sensitive skin there. I shuddered and failed to squirm away from him. “I know you’re not going to fix me. I can do that on my own, eventually, but right here, right now this is what I want.”

“Well i don’t.” The tears fell and i slammed my fist back against the door, pissed entirely that it was happening again. I shouldn’t be crying over him anymore. “I don’t want to be what you push inside of. You don’t want to know what’s really going on with me. You’d run away from me as much as I want to run from you.”

“You think i’d be scared of what you’ve done? What you’ve been through? Its nothing, Eri.” He grabbed my chin and and jerked my head to the side so he could growl in my ear. “I want you. Raw. Dirty.”

“You want me black out drunk? You want me with a broken hand through drywall? You want me bleeding out in a tub with a knife in my hand? You want me laying on the floor unable to breathe and falling in and out of consciousness? You want me running away from the one good thing i’ve ever had in my life?” My voice trembled again. “You want me hiding who i really am from my family? You want me watching myself be the cause of people’s hurt? Because that’s what’s really raw and dirty. Or do you just want to fuck as always?”

He hoisted me onto his waist suddenly, crushing me now to the point where i could barely breathe. I wrapped my legs around his as he shoved his forehead against mine. “Give me it. Give me all of it, Eri.”

I tried not to kiss him, i really did, but my heart shoved me towards it. My tongue slid out to creep into his mouth which he warmly accepted. It was angry, heated, rushed, and broken- like the entirety of our relationship. I was clutching onto him desperately as if I was trying to shock my system back into loathing him. It didn’t matter if I made drunken mistakes or if he made drugged out ones, every time, we somehow found a way back to each other as if we were tied with a string of fate. “Why?” I whispered when I finally caught my breath. “Why don’t you talk to me? For weeks at a time…it hurts…”

“Because i hate the way I feel about you.” He panted.

I licked my lips and hovered them over his. “How do you feel about me?”

He shook his head. “I…don’t worry about it. I’m faded as fuck right now. It won’t matter what I say.”

“Clearly it fucking does.”

“It’s only gonna get more fucked up between us.”

“It already is fucked up! Were fucked up! This whole shit is fucked up! We were supposed to hook up at the summer party and that’s it!!”

“Yeah and here you are fucking Taeyong and Yuta and whoever else you’d let inside you.”

I slapped him. The first time i’d ever wanted to hit him at all. I would’ve never laid a hand on him especially after all he had been through- i never wanted to be that person. Ever. But he crossed a fucking line and that small dangerous part of my brain was a ticking time bomb. He dropped me then and I fell right on my ass. I scrambled to get up as he stood there motionless.

“Dont…dont ever do that.” He whispered harshly.

“I didn’t want to! But don’t you ever come for who I sleep with! You don’t get to do that! You don’t get to be a hypocrite because you’re fucking jealous! What are you even jealous for? I’m not your girlfriend!”

“AND YOU NEVER WILL BE!”

I felt a stab of pain through my chest that hurt worse than anything I had ever felt before. Was this…was this what Jungwoo felt? Had karma finally come to get me and pay me back for what I did to him all those years ago? It felt like I couldn’t breathe but I could definitely feel the tears flowing down my cheeks like a river. His eyes went wide and he took a step towards me. I took one back before sprinting to my room. I slammed the door shut, pressing myself against it and sliding to the floor.

He pounded his fists against it, begging me to open it. I was afraid he was going to break through the wood with how hard he was rattling the door. I pulled my knees to my chest and buried my face in my thighs, staining my pajamas pants with tears.

“I-im sorry, ok?”

No you’re not.

“I didn’t mean for it to be like this.”

Well it is now, so fuck you.

“I don’t know what I really want, Eri.”

I guess…i don’t really know either. Should you even be my boyfriend at this point? What would I do once I had you? Would my fear of love go away? Or would you make it worse?

“I like when we spend time together. You’re cool as fuck but we…we cant be like that. You know that right? I don’t get with people and stay with them. We can only fuck…”

I hate you. Go away. Leave me alone.

“I guess i’m broken or whatever you want to call it but i’m not a charity case. I don’t want you to pity me or feel like you have to take care of me. Like you said, it’s not your job. But for right now…this is how I handle stuff, just like how you handle stuff your way, you know?”

By being a drunk partied out mess, i know. Hungry for attention, starving for someone to care for them, and completely barren of love but wanting to fill that void somehow.

“I’m not fine. I haven’t been fine for a long time. My anxiety never used to be this bad. I never even used to have night terrors or panic attacks. It just got worse after…after the first time i got…you know, what I told you about before. Then college happened and it was so much pressure and I wanted to make my mom proud and happy and take care of her because my dad never did. You know even when i felt so fucking empty around Rixi, i didn’t sleep for 2 whole days because I was studying my ass off for midterms just to keep my straight A’s?” He let out a soft chuckle. “I have a 4.0, hookup with dozens of girls, work three jobs, go to the gym, and try and do my art. When i say that i run on energy drinks and coffee i’m not kidding.”

That’s adding to your anxiety, stupid. And so is the weed. And your inability to FUCKING communicate. Why do you have to be such a stupid dumb….MAN all the time?!

“I know that doesn’t matter to you-”

It does because I know you’re hardworking and care about what you do. You’re a passionate soul and i love that about you. You’re so dedicated.

“But i dont know…i guess I wanted to tell you anyway. I’m not making excuses. I know what I do is my own damn fault but i just wanted you to know.”

I shifted slightly and reached up for the door handle, scooting away to pull it open slightly. I peeked my head through the gap and he looked at me, eyes a bit puffy as if he had been crying too. He wiped his nose and made it seem like he was put together in his typical Johnny fashion. I still didn’t say anything but he crept his hand closer to me and extended his pinky. I looked at it for a few seconds before locking mine around it. He was quiet for a bit, the tension remaining thick and heavy. The quietness was only interrupted by a few sniffles from the both of us. I wiped away at my tears, wanting to remind myself that this was proof. This was what always happened. Either i ended up drunk or ended up crying when it came to him. Or both for that matter.

I truly felt like i should continue to make myself suffer with him. One look of those soft brown eyes and honey-sweet lips would draw me in and his soothing voice would whisper caring thoughts and expressions. I saw the blushes he had when he talked to me, the way he seemed embarrassed or nervous, but there were always underlying signs that proved he didn’t like me. Most blatantly when he said-no, yelled- that i would never be his girlfriend. Logic told me to run. When had i ever put a man before me or anyone for that matter? Masochism told me that I enjoyed the pain of being rejected over and over again and that it was a game. Lust told me that i loved when he got jealous and growled in my ear. I wanted him to tell me that I was his as he fucked me so deep and hard that I couldn’t move. Greed told me that I wanted him all to myself. I wanted all the attention, all the love, all of him. The good, the bad, and the ugly. And rationality? That bitch was nowhere to be found.

“What saved you…when you tried to um…kill yourself?”

My head snapped up at the question. It hadn’t been posed to me since I met Quinn three years ago. It was something that I blocked from my brain and never reopened. But this was a test, to see if he could really handle what was fucking wrong with me. I squeezed his pinky tighter and finally croaked. “Daniella. She’s uh…she’s my little sister. I traumatized a 10 year old by bleeding out in a bathtub and she called the police and my mom. She tried to stop the bleeding. She cried but she kept pushing through. She was….so mature in that moment. More than I had ever been. She wanted to be there when they admitted me. My mom didn’t believe what was going on- more so in a sense that she didn’t want to believe that her kid was sick. Just like she didn’t want to believe I was gay at first. Eventually, she saw past it. She saw how much I needed her and how much we didn’t want to lose each other. But yeah…that was…it was Dani.”

“You know, her Quinceanera is in a week and I can’t believe she’s already 15. It’s weird how time flies…how I can’t exactly remember it all.” I continued.

“Are you going? To the party i mean.” He asked.

I nodded. “I have to. I’m like in the…so it’s basically almost like a bridal party. It’s real weird. But they pair us up and we walk down an aisle and Dani will come out with her big poofy dress and everyone will look at her and sing ’Las Mañanitas’ blah blah blah. It’s a precursor wedding and weird tradition I hated. So i never had one. And now, mom gets to put all her spite of her not having one and me not having one into an over the top expensive party for Dani, but you know…don’t help me with my student loans or anything.”

“Oh…sounds like a…journey.” I let out a small laugh and he crept closer towards the gap. I opened the door a little bit more. “It was my mom for me.”

“What?” I whispered.

“I was ready to jump off my school building after I got with her. I would see her everywhere on my social media and around town. I had to hide everything about how she made me feel and I felt like I just couldn’t deal with it anymore. I sat on the ledge for a long time, thinking about it and staring at the ground. Just as I decided I was going to jump, I got a text from my mom. It said ‘hi honey, hope you have a great day at school! I love you a lot.’” He rubbed at his eyes and looked away from me. “I still have it saved on my phone- transferred over each time I got a different one. I look at it sometimes when i feel like utter shit. Then I call her.” He sighed deeply and I pulled him closer to me, the door falling open wider. “Have I ever told you thank you?”

“W-what?” I asked, stunned.

“Thank you. For being there for me. When shit hit the fan basically. You and Jae pretty much helped me through a lot. Is that like…a part of working through this? Admitting when you’ve been helped?”

I nodded. “It’s a start…”

He got even closer and kissed me, our pinkies tightening and lips slow and steady. My will was wavering and I was kicking myself again. It never failed. I pulled away and turned my head away from his. He sighed and kissed my cheek. “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry doesn’t make up for a lot of things, Johnny.”

“I know, princess. I know.”

“No, you don’t get to say that word to me anymore. That part is done. It’s only for people who know how to communicate.”

“Ok…” he said simply.

I let go of his hand and moved away from the door. He came through fully, sitting beside me now and set his arm around my waist. He kissed my temple then rested his chin on my shoulder. We stood quiet for a moment, trying to process everything. Nothing had gotten better at all. Everything was more confusing and more painful. I didn’t feel good and I didn’t want him here but at the same time I did. I looked over at his sad eyes, knowing he was truly sorry but still cementing the fact that I would never be his. Hurting was all I was good for and I accepted the karmic punishment.

I grabbed onto his shoulders and his eyes drew themselves to me. I laid nothing but whispers against his lips drawing him in to press himself against me and steal my breath away in a kiss. Gradually, our clothes began disappearing until we were naked in my bed, hands between each others thighs, stroking and thrusting until we were dirty with each other’s release. He didn’t let me go instead opting to grab my hips and keep me flush against me. “I want me on you. Not any of those assholes.”

“I’m not yours…”

“Tonight you are.” He dug his blunt nails into my hips and sunk his teeth into the base of my neck. It hurt with how hard he was biting down but I knew what he was doing; marking me so that whoever i was with next could see the deep bruise he was trying to leave behind. I clawed at his shoulders, whimpering pathetically and about to beg him to stop but he pulled away, pressing softer kisses to the deep marks instead. I shoved his head away seeing the playful smirk he had on his face.

“Ass…”

“You want a bite mark on your ass too?” he asked coyly.

I rolled my eyes and commanded him to get a towel to clean up the mess he made on my stomach. He gave me another kiss before scooting off the bed and heading towards my door. For a moment I thought I imagined it and had to blink twice but i saw him licking his fingers- the same ones that were inside me just a minute ago. He had never done that. Usually he’d wipe them on my sheets or something. I laid back and closed my eyes, tossing away any ideas of what that meant. I felt him on the bed again, gently wiping away his cum off my skin before laying himself between my thighs, his head on my chest. That also surprised me and i wished I knew what the fuck was going on in his head. Was it from all the weed? I didn’t really know how much he smoked before he got here. It could’ve been what helped set off his emotions and express his jealousy about Taeyong.

I wanted to pry at his stupid decisions and actions some more but I was slowly running out of energy to deal with arguing, anxiety, and my mood swings in such a short amount of time. I decided to lay in my self hatred with Johnny on top of me, our breaths flowing together into an easier rhythm. I closed my eyes and set my hand on his head. “Pet my hair.” He grumbled.

“You think that a half fuck is going to solve this?” I said, ignoring his request.

“No. We’re doing what we do best, hurting each other.”

“But why does it have to be like this?”

“Because it’s just who we are, Eri. It’s what we do. It’s how we function together. You want to call it off?”

“Call what off?”

“Being fuck buddies.” Yes was what I should have said. Instead, I shook my head and kept my eyes away from him. “Good…Because I don’t want to stop fucking you.”

“I don’t either…” I said softly. I ran my fingers through his hair now, pushing it back and feeling his sides that were grown out. "Remember when you asked me to feel alive?”

He nodded.

“Do that for me. Maybe me feel like I don’t fucking hate you for what you’ve done. Like i don’t want you more than I need to.”

He stilled against me and didn’t say anything. I could feel him looking at me and when I finally had the courage to meet his eyes I saw that he seemed to be hurt by my confession. Eventually, he mumbled a response. “I don’t want you to hate me.”

"Mostly i hate myself.” I hate myself for loving you.

“Dont, baby…” He turned my face towards his to continue our kiss. “You don’t need to hate yourself.”

“Just shut up, Johnny. Fuck me already.”

“Fine.” He growled and gave quick bites over my breast making me arch against him. I hissed slowly, gripping onto his shoulders and digging my nails into his skin. He morphed his bites into kisses, working to gather my nipple in his mouth to suck slowly but hungrily. Eventually, his kisses got even lower as he discarded my breasts in favor of moving down to the softness of my stomach. A little nibble beneath my rib cage jerked my body towards his mouth, edging my hips into eager swivels. I parted my lips to let out a sweet sigh and a small plead for him to keep going. His tongue dipped into my belly button, making me squirm against the wet heat. I inched my hands back to his hair to return him to my lips and stop his teasing but he had other plans. His hands suddenly came crashing down on my wrists, pinning them to the bed and practically crushing them. I winced at the pain and asked him to ease up but he only snapped at me.

“Shut up and don’t touch me, got it?”

“W-what are you doing?” I asked, nervously.

“Shut. Up.”

I squeezed my eyes shut tight, swallowing hard and full of worry more than sensuality. I tried taking deep breaths but I felt like I was getting more nervous. Johnny was quiet as ever but I could feel his breath tickling against my sensitivity. I licked the dryness from my lips and just as I was about to try and pull away from his hands I felt it. It was small and gentle, just the tip of his tongue working over my clit. My entire body tensed and I remained frozen in place. I feared scaring him, or worse, triggering him. We retreated into minutes of silence that made my heart race with worry. “J-Johnny? A-are you-?”

There were butterfly kisses to my clit before his tongue reached out once again. It covered the entirety of my lower lips, pressing a slick heat over me and gathering the cum left behind from his fingering to trail it back to my clit. He trapped the bit of nerves between his lips, suckling lightly. I knew he was being cautious due to nervousness and unease but it was also amazingly tender and sweet. I dug my teeth into my bottom lip and let out a moan hoping that he would take it as praise and a sign to continue. There was another long pause and my fingers curled in anticipation for more but there was nothing. I opened my eyes and looked down at him.

He was stationary, his eyes glancing over my center and lips trembling. The grip on my wrists got tighter, too tight for even my own liking. “Johnny…you need to let me go.” I said softly.

“No. I-i cant…”

“You can stop now, it’s ok but you’re hurting me. Come up here. Come kiss me, baby.” He looked defeated but saw the pain in my face and finally let my wrists go. I didn’t immediately shake out the numbing feeling and instead waited for him to crawl back up my torso. I held onto him as tight as I could, covering his lips, cheeks, neck in excited pecks. He did it. With me. It wasn’t complete or full or satisfying by any means but it meant so much. “You did so good, baby boy. So, so good.” I cooed.

He hid in my neck and whispered, “I’m sorry.”

I shook my head quickly. “Don’t be. It was good. A great start, ok?”

“I wanted to try…a little at least so you don’t feel like i did when we fucked in the bathroom at the party. You shouldn’t want to feel alive with me because you’re numb. I don’t want that at all.”

“I just wanna feel good is all…” I held onto him tighter. “I don’t want to feel like i’m going to be thrown away.”

“I-i wont…” He swiftly slipped out of the bed and returned with a condom on. He whispered as he pulled my legs around him, pressing himself at my entrance. “I wont…”

“But you can’t promise that.” I swallowed hard and felt him sink into me inch by inch. The rest of my thoughts were voided by the methodical pace of him stretching me open. He ignored what I had said and instead focused on kissing everywhere he could reach as he thrusted slowly. My hands traced the length of his spine, resting in the center of his back and keeping him close. Inside my head I pleaded for him to not go slow, to not be intimate and stir up more dreadful feelings inside the pit of my stomach. Please just fuck me so I can be reminded of how shitty you are. Don’t remind me of how cute and caring you can be. I’m begging you Johnny.

I knew he couldn’t hear me so of course he didn’t stop rolling his hips to have his cock hit every space within me. He was panting softly, gentle moans mixing in every once in awhile. They sounded so precious and I couldn’t help but bury myself in his lips again. His hand pulled mine away from his back just so our fingers could intertwine. Nonono, stop that. For the love of god don’t do this to me.

He squeezed my hand tight and I felt my tears resurface. This is what scared me the most. Not him leaving or him ignoring me or throwing me away. This Johnny, the human, sentimental, emotional man that could have me fall into his arms (and bed) at the snap of his fingers. I was helpless against him and I just craved more and more torture. He kissed away my tears and nudged our foreheads together. “Hey…it’s okay.” He breathed.

It is not okay. It will never be ok. But he took care of me, stilling every so often to regain his composure as i could feel him throbbing and ready for another release. Worst of all was that I wanted him too. I wanted him to feel good, another hurtful self sacrifice because I cared so much about him. I gave him a soft plea to cum for me, which he took instantly. His free hand slipped between us, his thumb pressing small acts of pleasure into my clit as his other hand never left mine. He only squeezed my fingers tighter while my walls squeezed him the same way. Just at the very end his hips made quicker snaps, hitting the back of my thighs and making my back arch from the mattress. And in one fell breath i felt my stomach heat up and the most comforting sensation flowing within me.

My cheeks flushed as I had never felt anything like it before and wondered what the hell did he do differently. Maybe it was because i was so damn love drunk that it made everything seem better when i was with him. It wasn’t until he jerked out of me so harshly that I snapped my thighs shut. “O-ow! Johnny, what the-”

“The condom broke.” He trembled.

“Excuse me?” I couldn’t believe what I had heard.

“Eri. The fucking condom broke.”

I looked down and could see his cum flowing out of me and staining the bed sheets, while the rubber had a slight tear across the tip. Our eyes met and panic slammed into me at full speed. “O-oh my fucking god. Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god.”

“You’re on birth control right?” His voice was an octave or two higher.

“Well no shit! But it doesn’t magically mean it’s 100% full proof! People still get pregnant while on birth control.”

“I’M FULLY AWARE OF THAT ERI.”

“DON’T YELL AT ME.”

“I’M SORRY I JUST…” I noticed him staring at me which made me more uncomfortable.

“What? What else is wrong?” He shrugged but continued to stare. “Johnny. What is it?!”

“Nothing! It’s just…i mean-”

“Oh, you asshole!!” I flung my pillow straight at his face. “I’m literally fucking panicking and you think cumming inside me is hot!!”

“I’M SORRY!!! I’ve never done it before and it just…looks good, ok?!”

“You are the absolute worse and I CANNOT stand you!” I covered my face that was getting heated up by the second. How could he think about that while I was panicking? How could I think it felt good and perfect when i absolutely loathed cum (and was panicking)? We truly were fucking stupid.

“Hey, we’ll be ok. I know we will.” He said softly, reaching for my hand which i pulled away.

“Easy for you to say. You have the easy way out in case that happens.” I grumbled.

He kissed my forehead and laid beside me. “No I don’t, because I wouldn’t leave.”

I turned away from him, shoving my face into the mattress as I felt his cum sticky between my thighs. “Yeah right…”

“I’m serious….i’m not gonna be like my dad.”

“Alright well, we’re gonna stop talking about this. I’m gonna shower and you can go home so I can die in peace.”

“Don’t be so dramatic. You’re not gonna die. It’s just cum.”

“I’m gay! All I am is dramatic!” I huffed as I felt all flustered now and wanted to get away from him. I stood up and cringed at the feeling of it sliding down my leg now. I awkwardly shuffled to pick up my already cum covered towel just to keep me decent enough to get to the bathroom.

“Can you stop saying that? Because i’m like…not a girl.”

I looked back at him. “Well no fucking shit, Johnny. It’s just a blanket term because you wouldn’t understand everything I identify as. Just roll with it. I don’t have time to explain.”

I grabbed my phone and went to the bathroom, locking the door tight. I tossed off my towel and turned on the water, sitting in the tub under the spray so i could suffer in silence. Eventually i ended up plugging the drain so i could sit in hot water for a bit and try and calm my nerves. I tried calling Quinn but didn’t get an answer, even texted them and still got nothing. They were still probably up Jaehyun’s ass or Taeil or someone else. I don’t know. I dialed again and waited patiently.

“Hello?”

“Doyoung, I need you please.”

“Be right there.”

He hung up as that was all he needed to know that something was wrong. I washed up, making sure to get as much of the cum out of me as possible, then rinsed and dried off. As i opened the bathroom door, Johnny was standing in the doorway, hand raised as he was going to knock. I glared at the lit blunt between his lips.

“’M leavin’.”

“Good. Bye. I have someone else coming over.”

He scoffed. “Wow. Okay. Fuck you too.” He turned away from me and headed towards my front door slamming it harshly behind him.

He made me so fucking irritated with his hot and cold bullshit. I trudged to my room and tossed my towel in the hamper, picking up my discarded pajamas and putting them back on. Around 15 or so minutes later Doyoung was in my room with an absolute cringey look on his face. “Look, i’m sorry but i needed someone to tell. You and Quinn are my closest friends and they’re not here. Please Doyoung…i know it’s gross.”

“You liked it…” he whispered.

“Please don’t remind me. I hate myself completely.”

“Why do you keep doing this, Eri? You are literally worth more than that.”

“I don’t know! I wish I knew. I wish I could just leave him but I can’t. Every time I’m mad, he shows me that side of him that I absolutely love.”

“That’s emotional manipulation.”

“It is not!” I protested. “Well…uh…maybe it is? But I don’t think he would be doing it intentionally? Why would he? He can get with anyone. He has gotten with a lot of people. I don’t think I would be any different. After all he blatantly said i’d never be his girlfriend.”

“And how did you feel about that?”

“I cried. Instantly. It hurt so fucking bad.”

“So we’ve come to the conclusion that a) he’s a fuckboy, b) he doesn’t want to be with you, c) he’s emotionally manipulative, and d) he couldn’t care less about what transpired tonight.” Doyoung gave me a shady look which made me shrink away like a scolded puppy.

“Well technically he said he would be there for me and then I kicked him out so…”

“And now you’re sticking up for him?”

“I’m not! I’m just stating facts. Doyoung, i know you’re totally and completely right. But i just…it feels weird. It feels different somehow.”

“I’m kind of sick of giving you advice and you ignoring it. It makes it seem like you don’t even care what I say.”

“No i do!” I grabbed onto his arm, sadly. “I do! i swear! I’m just a fucking idiot. I like to fuck up everything and keep myself down.”

“Why can’t you see that there are better people for you? Even ones that are right in front of you?”

I rested my head on his shoulder and set my hand in his, squeezing tight. “Doyoung, how can I…how can I stop when i love him?”

“It’s not easy to stop loving someone but…no offense- well a little offense because this is going to be hard to hear- you stopped loving Jungwoo because he loved you too much, you can stop loving Johnny because you love him too much too. You can run away and leave without giving him any explanation.”

I pulled away from Doyoung completely.

“I’m sorry for saying that and hurting you, but maybe it’s the kind of shit you need to snap out of it.” He pressed a kiss to my forehead. “And if you’re so worried about what might happen I can go to the pharmacy for you.”

“I-i just need time to think…” i said quietly.

“Well, you’ve got three days until it’s ineffective-or less effective or whatever. You can let me know ok?”

I nodded and felt him crush me to his chest. I held onto him for a long time, happy to feel a friends pure love rather than the tainted mess from my heart.

–

Johnny’s POV

“FUCKING SHIT!” I threw the beer bottle I just finished against my wall, watching it shatter into pieces. What the actual fuck just happened between Eri and I? Tonight was fucked up- no, beyond fucked up to the point where I just ended up more confused and angry then I was before. I paced back and forth across my room while thoughts zoomed in my brain. I tried to break everything down and figure out what i could so I could attempt to get my mind straight.

I was pissed off at Taeyong. He was such a smug little fuck about hooking up with Eri, blasting it all over the chat. And why were they counting how many times they hooked up with her like it was some sort of game? I didn’t want him anywhere near Eri. She was mi-. I stopped pacing for a moment. She wasn’t mine. She is not yours Johnny. She is NOT yours.

My pacing resumed. He didn’t deserve to touch her. And neither did those other assholes. I wanted her to myself. She’s mi-. As i grew close to the door i slammed my head against it, not too hard but enough to try and get it through my skull that Eri was not mine.

I had told her she would never be my girlfriend because I was angry. I knew it hurt her the second it came out of my mouth and I wished I could’ve taken it back. Our conversation was so back and forth she probably thought I was crazy. One minute I was mad, the other I wanted to be with her, comfort her, be inside her and make her feel good. I didn’t want her to feel like shit because of me but I was failing horribly.

What even possessed me to touch her like that? So slow and gentle? It felt like I was having an out of body experience and I watched who I wanted to be for her come out and take over. It was what I wanted to give her for the longest time. Something more stable to hold onto rather than whatever the fuck I was now. But that didn’t go over so well for my feelings. I was faded and more emotional than ever, a bad combination. I wanted to tell her what I felt for her but i don’t even think i’m too sure myself. Feelings were there but what kind? Did I have a crush? I liked her? Wanted to keep being fuck buddies? Did I love her? My body shuddered at the thought. I had never been in love before so how could I know?

I’ve always wanted to be in love and have someone to care about. I knew familiar love and friendship love but not romantic love. I wanted to take my girlfriend to the beach, to Korea, to visit countries across the globe. Take pictures of us for vacation scrapbooks and eat everything we could ever dream of. Go hiking with her and hold her hand so she wouldn’t trip on a branch and hurt herself. Laugh when we thought of a memory we had together or hold her as she cried. But i was also scared shitless of all of that. Could I even be that good of a person to her? I didn’t want to end up being a carbon copy of my dad. Why would I want to be the cause of my love’s suffering and leave them behind with a kid I didn’t care about?

Fuck.

The stupid condom.

I tossed myself onto my bed and groaned. I was scared of that too. I’m only 23 and work at a fucking coffee shop, what the hell was I gonna do with a kid? I’m sure we were gonna be okay but…it still made me a little queasy. Except for the fact that I thought cumming inside her was fucking hot. I was a complete jackass for thinking about it at a time like that but I couldn’t help it. Like me: worried to all hell and back about the condom breaking, also me: holy hell I want to do it again. I facepalmed myself and let out another frustrated groan. I was ready to just throw myself out a window rather than face my embarrassment and mistakes. Now Taeyong was probably going to be up her ass and I swear to god if he got with her I was personally going to go to his apartment and kick his ass.

I sat up and started taking off my clothes, figuring I could just sleep all this shit away and ignore it. I flung everything to a corner of my room and reached over to shut off my desk lamp. I noticed my little keychain that I had got at the bookstore resting on the desk. I picked it up and shut off the light before snuggling deep under the blankets. I kept the keychain close to me thinking of nothing but Eri as I went to sleep.

A week had passed since that weird half fight/half fuck between us and I was starting to get a taste of my own medicine. I hated not hearing from her and I found myself constantly checking my phone to see if by chance I missed anything. She hadn’t even posted on any of her social media that I followed her on. Whenever I would hang out with the guys at lunch none of them talked about her, not even Lucas. I had no idea what was going on. I tried to keep myself busy with school work but found myself thinking of her more than I needed too. Sometimes those thoughts implanted little sinister buds of sinfully delicious fantasies and in the midst of being hurt and confused about where we stood I was jacking off to thoughts of her more than I needed too. It was multiple times a day, whenever I was at home and it was starting to get on my nerves. I shouldn’t have been thinking about her like that when I was the cause of most of this mess but it couldn’t be helped. I was a stupid slut and would rather focus on that then the pain I caused her. I was in the middle of rutting against my hand and mattress only a few seconds away from cumming when my phone beside my pillow lit up. The brightness in the darkness of my room distracted me and I look at the screen, ready to ignore the notification until I saw who it was from. I wiped my hand on my sheets and snatched my phone up, unlocking it and going to the message.

🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: hey

I typed in my simple response quickly.

Hey

🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: come over

Fuck…did she actually want to hook up?

What for babe?

🦇BatOuttaHell🦇:  we need to talk.

🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: asap

Talk about what?

🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: come over and i’ll tell u dumbass

🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: I mean it

Give me like 15 mins. Im busy

🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: fine but dont keep me waiting.

I bit my lip and set my phone aside. It made me nervous to think about what she wanted to talk with me about. A small part of me was hoping that I could still get laid and have amazing makeup sex. But first…

–

Eri’s POV

I hated that I had to do this. With every fiber in my entire being. It was definitely up there with one of the worst decisions I would have to make. I didn’t want to talk to him or even make him think that I had forgiven him. I had purposefully ignored him like he had done to me so many times before. Even when he sent me the occasional text I left him on read. It felt good to have that power but I had to cut my reign of terror short when I realized that my problem needed a solution and fast. Time was running out and I exhausted all my resources. I knew I was going to regret this but it had to be done. My stomach was in knots as I waited for him. 15 minutes was a lie, it was over a half hour before he showed up at my place. His hair was damp and he smelled of fresh cologne and soap. I stared at him quizzically when I opened the door. He smiled at me, looking like he was happy to see me while I was mortified to see him. He wasn’t wearing anything fancy either. Just a white crew neck and some skinny jeans and winter coat but he still looked so damn good. Stupid fucker.

“Sooo…” he started, chewing on his bottom lip a little bit. I yanked him into my apartment and dragged him towards my room, slamming the door behind us. “Oh shit, ok.” He grabbed at his shirt, about to take it off when I stopped him.

“No! None of that!” I swatted at his hands. “That’s not what I called you over here for.”

“Oh…” he said, dejected.

I rolled my eyes. “Look, i don’t have any other choice. You were the last person on my list, so don’t like flatter yourself.”

“What is going on? You’re making me suspicious.”

I sighed. “Will you be my boyfriend?” Oh jesus christ no, not what I meant!!

“Excuse me WHAT?!” He screamed.

“AHHH FUCK, I MEANT PRETEND. PREEEETENND. PRETEND TO BE MY BOYFRIEND!!” I tried to correct myself.

“AGAIN, WHAT, AND I CANT STRESS THIS ENOUGH, THE FUCK?!”

“Ugh! Okay okay, back peddling.” I took a deep breath trying not to fuck this up even more than I already had. “Just hear me out ok?”

“You better start talking asap, bro!”

“I need someone to come with me to my sister’s Quinceanera this weekend. I have literally asked every single one of my guy friends and they’re all "conveniently” busy. I seriously need help.“

"Why can’t you take Quinn or something?!”

I sighed. “Johnny, if I show up with a girl as my date my grandparents would disown me and it would make a huge scene at the party and I can’t take that away from Dani. My family has this thing where they obsess over asking me if I have a boyfriend or not. I’m the oldest cousin so according to them I should be married and pregnant by now. My mom tries her best to keep them at bay but if I just show up with someone they will at least be civil for this party. Please. I don’t have anyone else. I wouldn’t be asking you this if it wasn’t a huge deal for me.”

“Well that sounds like a personal problem. Sucks to suck.”

I was shocked that that was actually his response. It was a good effort I guess but I was stuck doing this alone. I hoped to all hell nothing would happen that would ruin this for my little sister. It was completely stupid that my family judged me based on who I loved or wanted to be with, that every question about my life had to revolve around me having a man. It always started with a blanket question, one that seemed innocent enough, but then veered into “when will you get a boyfriend?” territory. Not only that but I still had to be on the down low whenever I was with them. Dani knew and so did my mom who was still working to be supportive but that was it. I knew I couldn’t tell other people in my family. If I went alone I could just suck it up and be miserable the whole time which at this point looked to be my only option. “Sorry to bother you…” I said as i sat down at my desk. I lowered my head onto the top and tried to figure out a way to smooth things over with my family for one night.

“Eri…is this really that serious?”

I raised my head up and looked at him. “Yes. I just want things to go right with this, for her sake. I’m literally the black sheep of the family. I’m darker than everyone, my hair is curlier, i’m queer, i play in a heavy metal band, i’m not ultra feminine, and i’m as far away from traditional as possible.” I tried again to convince him. It was turning out to be more pathetic than I hoped for. “I will promise, like absolutely promise, to be nice and civil with you if you do this for me. Please Johnny?”

“What do I get in return?”

I sighed and rolled my eyes. “Whatever you want. I’m too desperate to fight you on this.”

“Anything I want? You’re serious?” He asked. I could almost see the deviousness going on in his head and instantly regretted it. But I swallowed my pride.

“Anything.”

“Ok. I’ll think about what I want and let you know. I gotta dress up or something?”

“So you’ll do it?” I practically jumped out of my chair.

“Yeah, i’ll do it.”

“Fuck, you stupid bastard! You’re the best!” I threw myself on him, wrapping my arms around his neck in a tight hug. “It’s tomorrow night. We have to drive two hours to get to where I live. It won’t end until late so we can get a motel if we’re too tired to drive back.”

“A motel, huh?”

“Don’t even start, please.” I went to pull away but he set his hand on the small of my back, keeping me close.

“Tell me what you want me to do.” He lowered his head towards mine, getting dangerously close to my lips. I swallowed hard.

“W-well…wear something nice and don’t be an asshole. Um…pretend like I’m the greatest thing to ever grace your life? Hold my hand or something…or hold me in general. Follow all my lies and try to remember them. Be prepared to be grilled by every woman in my family and subject to a bunch of sexist and misogynistic comments from my stupid uncles. They’ll be some kids there running around and loud ass music. Um…you may have to dance with me.”

“Oof…I’m not a great dancer.”

“It’s fine, i don’t dance much either. Oh and don’t get drunk. Oh! And don’t let me get drunk. I think that’s the gist of it. I may think of other stuff on the way there. Is that all ok?”

He cupped my face in his hand while the other held mine. He lowered himself to my lips and kissed me gently, barely teasing my tongue with his own and making my heart feel like it was about to burst. When he pulled away my lips kept following him not wanting to let go. He chuckled softly and looked directly at me. “Mi amor, siento que no puedo vivir sin ti.”

I shoved him away. “BITCH, WHAT THE FUCK?!”

He cackled loudly, clutching at his stomach. “Is that “boyfriend” enough for you?”

“Where the hell did you pull that from?!”

“You said it’s a Quinceanera right? I figured I could put my 6 years of Spanish class to good use. How’d I do?” He was still laughing up a storm while I was ready to call off the whole thing. I couldn’t believe he would be able to possibly understand my stupid family.

“How much do you know?” I asked.

“Enough. I’ll mess up every now and again but I think i could pull off a conversation if I needed to.”

“Christ. Ok…If they say something to you just pretend you don’t know anything. I know they’re gonna talk shit and then you can come back and tell me. That’s all we’re gonna do, ok? Ok. I’m gonna throw up.”

“Why? I won’t mess this up, okay? I know she’s important to you. We’ll be civil remember?”

I looked up at him and nodded. “Thank you, Johnny. Seriously.”

He shrugged and shoved his hands in the pockets of his jeans. “It’s cool. So what time is my hot date picking me up?”

“Probably around 4, i’m sure I’ll need to help set up and stuff. And help with makeup. We can get dressed at the motel because I do not want to walk in heels in the snow and i also don’t want to mess up my dress. Where I live my mom said that the snow is more melted and they have clearer sidewalks so I should be good there.”

“Alright, sounds good…so…what’s our plan for tonight?”

I raised my brow, confused. “What do you mean?”

“I came all the way here and I figured we might…We could practice for being a couple tomorrow.”

“You’re going to give me a bunch of hickies and I can’t have that.”

“That’s the pot calling the kettle black. All you do is bite and scratch like a little chihuahua.” He laughed.

I stomped my foot down and huffed. “I am not a little chihuahua!”

“How about I make them where everyone can’t see? Then we won’t have any problems, hmm?”

I crossed my arms and pursed my lips together, hating how devilishly convincing he could be. He was a natural born flirt and it made me want to punch him. I nibbled my bottom lip contemplating if I should really give him the satisfaction. He pulled his coat off and yanked his shirt over his head, showing me his perfectly toned chest and how low slung his jeans were. Asshole. I grabbed onto the waistband of his jeans and pulled him close so we could crash our lips together. He pushed me back onto the bed and crawled on top of me, shoving his tongue past my teeth and coaxing me to moan in his mouth. I grabbed onto his shoulders and shoved him down so I could roll on top of him. “What’s the real reason you were late?” I asked as I dug my nails into his stomach.

“Jacking off.” He grabbed at my tshirt and tried pulled it up but I shoved his hands away and pinned his wrists down.

“I knew it, pig.”

“You act like you don’t do it. How many times have you showed me what you like doing when you’re alone, hmm? When we facetime and I call you late at night?” He teased.

“Shut up, Johnny. You’re so fucking annoying.” I dove my head down to bite at his chest, leaving harsh kisses in my wake. He tried moving his hands but i kept him pinned, liking the fact that he was the one squirming for once. I moved just a bit lower to land a few bites before licking through the center of his chest and up his throat. His entire body practically caved in on itself with how hard he shuddered.

“Fu-fuck…” He licked his lips and tossed his head back, moaning deeply. I blushed as I watched, feeling myself become victim to how good he looked. I resisted the urge to suck on his neck and went back to his chest, taking his nipple into my mouth. I knew this would truly make him squirm but i didn’t expect how hard his hips would buck. I moved my head away from him to over hover his face.

“You’re not being a very good boy are you?”

He opened one eye to glare at me. “When am I ever?”

“I think I should stop. I’ve got a lot to do tomorrow.”

“Oh don’t you play that game with me, Eri! That’s not fair!”

I moved away from him completely and made my way over to open my bedroom door. “Out.”

He sad up with an incredulous look on his face. “You’re kidding?!”

“You’re being bad so you get nothing. C'mon now.”

“I’ll be good then! Whatever the fuck that means!”

I shook my head. “I’ll pick you up at 4, ok?”

“Fuckin’ hell!” He got up, his jeans visibly tighter and pulled his shirt back over his head. He grabbed his coat and made his way out of my room with the biggest pout on his face. Just as he had stepped out of the door frame he turned back to me. “Can I ask you something?” He propped his forearm above his head on the frame and looked down at me.

“What?”

“Besides us freaking out…did you…did you like it when I came inside you?

My entire face felt like it was on fire and took a step back as if that would somehow prevent him from seeing my embarrassment. "I-i-i-i have n-noooo idea what you’re t-talking about!” I stuttered.

“I mean, did you like the way it felt inside you? Like how hot or how deep it was?”

“Please stop talking!” My voice was now a squeaky whisper.

Johnny smirked and ran his tongue over his teeth. “I guess that answers my question, doesn’t it? See ya tomorrow, Eri. And don’t forget, you owe me one.” He winked at me and headed towards my front door, leaving me more flustered than ever.

–

I spent the whole two hour ride telling him about which one of my aunts would grill him the most and which cousin got pregnant first and who’s baby daddy was a complete failure and which of my uncles was most likely to get drunk and cause a scene. I was sure he wouldn’t remember any of it but I was trying to over prepare him for the shit show that was my family. I also needed him to make a good impression so it would look like he was actually happy to be dating me. Fake dating me of course. We checked into the motel first and I spent most of my time being frustrated with my hair and trying to curl it the way I wanted it. It just barely cooperated and i wasted about half a can of hairspray trying to keep everything in place.

My makeup was more softer and neutral than normal to go with my pastel pink floor length sweetheart neckline dress (which made me feel lowkey so pretty). Dani’s theme colors were pink and mint so I was able to at least wear something I would like. Just as i had slipped on my gown i realized there was no way I could reach the zipper in the back. I huffed and squirmed, trying my damndest until I finally gave up. I opened the bathroom door just a crack and peeked out. My heart basically exploded and I wouldn’t normally say that my basement could flood in two seconds but this was definitely one of those times.

Johnny was checking himself out in the large mirror on the other side of the room. He wore black pinstripe pants that hugged his ass like a dream. The sleeves of his dress shirt were rolled to the elbows and a fitted grey vest covered his torso. He adjusted the black tie around his neck, fussing with it until he seemed comfortable enough. He had an extremely nice watch on one wrist and a silver chain bracelet on the other. A few simple rings decorated his fingers and his black dress shoes seemed to sparkle in the fluorescent lighting. His hair was even freshly faded and his bangs trimmed and slicked back. Lord have mercy I wanted to die. I swallowed hard and took a few deep breaths before I called out to him.

His honey brown eyes shot up to look at me and I gripped the handle of the bathroom door tighter. “What?”

“Could you um…help me zip my dress?”

He sauntered over to me I tried to keep myself within the tiny gap of the open door but he pushed it open leaving me exposed to all of his handsome glory. He found the zipper and slid it up slowly, making sure the fabric didn’t get caught in it. “Do you want me to tie the sash thing too?” I nodded meekly and felt his hands smooth over the fabric under my chest and slide back to gather the ends to tie into a bow. It was such a simple thing to do but it had my body turning warmer by the second. I caught him looking at me in the reflection of the mirror above the sink once he was done. He looked shocked, licking his lips as if he was trying to say something but not being able to get anything out. I turned my head back towards him.

“Do I…do I look okay?”

He shook his head as if to clear his thoughts. “Yeah, you look alright.”

“Oh…” I said softly. Just alright.

“I mean like you look good, you know? Um…yeah, real good.”

I avoided looking at him as I slipped out the bathroom. I didn’t have that much time left before we had to head over and I still had to wiggle my feet into heels that I was sure would break my ankles as soon as I got into them. I struggled to get them strapped around my ankles, huffing when my boobs got in my way as I doubled over to reach my feet. I sat down at the small desk and tried to angle myself another way but it was still just as frustrating. “Need help with that too?” He asked.

I nodded, defeated and he came in front of me, landing on one knee. He slid my dress up to my thigh and took my foot in his hands, delicately securing the straps around my ankle. I couldn’t help but feel like Cinderella in that moment, even if my so called prince charming was a fuck boy. “Thanks.” I said softly as I stood up. He rose to his feet too and it was weird to almost be face to face with him, instead of staring at his chest.

“Oh, i don’t like this.” He joked. “I’d like you to stay mini sized.”

“Yeah well they won’t be on for long. They’re already killing me. I just need to get through the walk and first dance and then i’m tossing them.” I nibbled my lip for a moment before pressing them to his, which seemed to catch him a little off guard. “Hmm, it’s nice to not have to stand on my tiptoes to kiss you.”

“Hm, let’s hope that walk goes fast. I don’t like those heels either.” He smiled at me and offered his arm. “Ready now?”

I grabbed my clutch from atop the desk and nodded. “You have the room key right?”

“Yep.” We headed out of the room and towards the parking lot to my car. “You know, the pastel pink is really nice with your skin tone.”

I straightened up at his compliment. “You really think so?”

He opened the door to my car and lead me to sit down. “I know so.”

I laughed nervously. “A-are you practicing your boyfriend skills?” I tried to make it sound like a joke but he just shrugged and went over to the passenger side to get in. I swallowed hard and clicked my seat belt into place before revving up the engine. “Oh, remember how I said if I told you my government name I’d have to kill you?”

“Yeah?”

“Well you’re going to hear it tonight and if you so much as ever repeat it you won’t have a dick, got it?”

“Why not? It can’t be that bad!”

“Trust me, it definitely is.”

–

“ERIANNALISSE!”

I cringed. I cringed hard and wanted to shrink away into a minuscule molecule and be non existent. I didn’t even want to look at Johnny to see what he was going to say. I could practically hear him trying to cover up his snickers. I sighed and put on a fake smile as my aunt came to me with arms wide open to capture me in a death grip hug that could snap my spine in half. “Ay, mija! Look at you, you look so pretty!” She paused. “Have you gained weight?”

“Nice to see you too, Titi.” I grit my teeth and tried to ignore her shade. Her eyes went over to Johnny, looking him up and down and squinting her eyes a bit.

“Eriannalisse, quien es este?” She asked who Johnny was.

I grabbed onto his arm, digging my nails into his bicep. “This is my….boyfriend, Johnny.”

He waved and grimaced through my death grip. “Hi. Nice to meet you.”

“Hm…” Was all my aunt said. “Titi Carmen has been wanting to see you. I’m sure she’d want to meet…Johnny.”

“Yeah, i’ll go see her in a bit! I have to find mami and Dani first.”

My aunt kissed both of my cheeks and left to go join the gossiping group of women in my family who all suddenly turned their gazes from their champagne flutes to Johnny and I. I turned my back towards them and looked up at Johnny. “I will literally pay you .25 cents to kill me. Just make it quick.”

“Don’t be so dramatic, Eriannalisse. What’s the worst that could happen?”  He smirked and laughed a bit which made me frown.

“Johnny, I told you don’t call me that. I’m serious. They can call me that because they don’t recognize who I am as a person. You can’t.”

“O-oh…is it a gay thing? Like one of your gay things that you won’t explain to me?”

I sighed and looked down at my feet. “Yeah, sort of. I’ll explain it to you eventually. Just not now ok?”

He took my hand in his and gave it a squeeze. “Ok, i’m sorry. I won’t say it again.” He leaned down just a bit and gave me a soft (rated PG) kiss which made me smile.

“It’s just hard being around them…I wish it would be a fun time but-” I suddenly heard vicious clacking before arms were thrown around my shoulders.

“ERIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!” I recognized the overly excited voice and looked up at my modelesque baby sister. “I missed you so much!”

I kissed her cheek and turned around to properly hug her. “Hey, happy birthday.”

“You’re like almost my height!” She said, looking down at my heels. Dani was so graciously blessed with being 5’8”, skinny, with straighter hair and caramel skin as opposed to my milk chocolate. Her eyes were the perfect shade of hazel with flecks of green that sparkled perfectly. She was only my half sister as our fathers were different but we were raised both the same, save for the fact that she was a model and I was the throw away. “You look so pretty. I’m glad you’re not in black- Yooooooooooo, who is THIS!?” Her attention turned to Johnny, her eyes wide and mouth practically watering.

“Uh…hey.” he said sheepishly.

“This is my boyfriend, Johnny.”

Dani laughed and slapped my shoulder. “No, really!? Who is he?”

I pouted. “I’m serious. He’s my boyfriend.”

Dani looked at me then stepped up to Johnny. “What’s her favorite color?”

“Pastel pink.” He answered.

“Favorite food?”

“Pizza…and pasta.”

“What instruments can she play?”

“Guitar, and she sings.”

“What’s her favorite anime?”

“Sailor Moon.”

Dani squinted her eyes. “When’s her birthday?”

Fuck, he didn’t know that. I grabbed Dani’s arm, trying to get her attention from ruining our facade. “Dani, can you not grill him please? It’s bad enough Titi Lisa and probably Titi Carmen are talking shit about us already. Also, I haven’t told mom yet.”

“You haven’t told mom yet?! How long have you been dating?”

“It’ll be four months in December.” Johnny added. “We started dating right when the semester started. We have a class together and I thought she was cute so,” He shrugged. “Here we are.”

“Yeah but you’re hot. Eri has never dated anyone this hot before.”

“Well gee, thanks Dani! And i’ve dated cute people before!”

“Yeah cute, not hot. He’s hot. If you’re not going to keep him, I’ll take him.”

“You’re fifteen!” Johnny and I said at the same time.

Dani shrugged. “I mean…”

I held my hand up. “Don’t even go there. He’s like-” How old was Johnny anyway? “Way older than you. Stop being an instagram thot for once. Where’s mami? I need to know when she wants us to line up and start this.”

“I think at 8 exactly, but she’s running around like a chicken with her head cut off. I’ve just been chilling with my friends for now. This dress weighs like 50 pounds and I’m sweating like a whore in church.” Dani fanned at herself and hiked up the bodice of her dress. I looked at her poofy dress that was a beautiful array of soft Monet colors but way too 90’s barbie cake topper. It wouldn’t have been my first choice but I was sure mami wanted it to look as traditional as possible. “Oh, by the wayyyy, I know you have a boyfriend now but mami invited Josue.”

I straightened up completely when I heard that name. Josue was my childhood crush. He was older than me and I never stood a chance with him but we always played together. Once we kissed in my backyard and told me that he wanted to play house with me and be the daddy. I had been in love with him up until I was 12 when he moved away to a different state. “Jo-Josue? He’s coming? Here? Tonight?” I squeaked.

“Who’s Josue?” Johnny interjected.

“Josue is Eri’s big ol’ crush from when she was younger. All they did was play house together and be mommy and daddy and make kissy faces at each other. Then they kissed for real and he touched her chichi’s! But they never lived happily ever after because he moved away.”

“Dani, por favor, why do you have to be like this? I’m just happy to know he’s going to be here. I haven’t even seen him in like…almost 7 years. Besides I’m with Johnny now so it doesn’t matter.” I forced his arm around my waist and he clutched onto it tightly.

“Uh-huh whatever. Have you not followed him on Insta? There’s a lot of nice gym pictures. He hit a growth spurt. He’s like 6”3’ now.”

I swallowed hard. “Really? O-oh wow…”

“Sounds like a tool.” Johnny scoffed. “Ya’ll got beer at this place?”

Dani nodded towards the bar at the back of the venue. “Just fight my uncles off before they drink them all.”

“Cool.” He dipped out completely, leaving me and my sister to be swept away by our mother who had just stepped in like she was out of breath. She hustled to get us all lined up and ready like a bridal party ready to walk down the aisle. I sighed as I stayed in place, shuffling a bit as my feet already started to hurt. My mind started wandering to my childhood crush. Memories started bubbling to the surface; he had been my first kiss, the first to get to second base, and the first person I had wanted to be my boyfriend. He was three years older than me and I didn’t stand a chance with him. But his name was written all over my notebooks until I got my first girlfriend.

I couldn’t help but peek around a bit, wondering if he was already in the venue. I didn’t have much time to investigate as our entrance music started playing and pair by pair we walked into the main dance floor. I was walking with one of my younger cousin’s who I rarely spoke with so I barely paid attention. He had to yank me back a bit when I walked too fast and it made me want to punch him. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Johnny leaning against the back wall nursing a beer and watching me intensely. I smiled in his direction, letting him know I was still trying to be civil but he just took another sip and shoved his hand into his pocket. I wondered if he was ignoring me on purpose or if he genuinely didn’t see me. I chewed on my bottom lip almost getting swept up in my thoughts, that was until I saw Dani walking into the room.

Even though I had seen her just minutes ago now that all eyes were on her she looked sparkling and glowing. I’d never seen her look so beautiful before and it brought tears to my eyes that I tried wiping away as soon as they surfaced. I was a proud sibling then. She meant so much to me that I hoped that this day always reminded her of the happiest times she had in her life. We had our ups and downs but for the most part I was always there for her as much as she was there for me. She embarrassed me and I made sure I had to keep her in place before she got too out of hand. Even though I was far away from home now, I knew we would always remain close.

The floor was hers now and we dispersed to let her have the spotlight. I retreated to one of the circular tables while her and our mom shared a dance. It was normally meant for a daughter and her father but since neither of us had them in our lives our mother was the one who deserved to have that dance. I felt a touch on my shoulder and turned to see Johnny sitting behind me at the table. “Want some?” He said, offering the beer which i denied.

“I hate that kind. I’ll leave you too it.”

“She looks nice.”

“She’s a little shit but I love her.”

“I could say the same about you.”

I whipped my head around to stare at him wide eyed. “W-what?”

“I meant like you’re chill! Like i like you. Not like like you but like we’re cool. Uh…you know.” I stammered.

“Right…yeah, um…ok.”

“You wanna dance?!” He said, changing the subject quickly. Dani and my mother had finished their sentimental dance and the dj had switched to some reggaeton/trap mix Dani most likely requested.

“Uh, you mean make a fool out of ourselves?”

He shrugged and chugged down the rest of the beer in a few gulps. I guess it wouldn’t be so bad. My cousins were already grinding with whoever they invited or dancing in groups and laughing. We could probably blend in without being too weird. I kicked off my heels and stood up, extending my hand for him to take. I should’ve had a drink before I even agreed to this. My stomach was already in knots and my anxiety was making me feel like I was going to look stupid but he took my hand and we found a spot in a little corner of the dance floor. I stood in front of him waiting for him to make a move but he just stood there with his hands in his pockets. Why the hell did he keep doing that? Was it a nervous habit?

“So…” he said.

“Are you gonna like…move?”

“I’ve never danced to this sort of music. What do I do?”

“Literally it’s the same as rap music in english. You just sorta…” I gestured towards my family. “Grind on each other and act a fool.”

“So you turn around and just like put your ass against me?”

“Oh my God, have you never done that before?”

“Listen I was a dork and went to high school with a bunch of white kids and we like listened to Ke$ha and Britney Spears. What do you want from me?” He laughed.

“That’s unfortunate.” I joked. I turned around so my back was against his chest and I set his hands on my hips. “I’m not the best but I figure I can put my ass to use.” I worked myself back against him, swaying to the music a bit in hopes of getting him to respond.

Instead he laughed nervously and held my waist tighter. “How do people not get boners doing this?”

“I mean that’s what the song 'Too Close’ is about. Don’t tell me this is turning you on already.” I teased.

He lowered himself to face level and turned my head towards his to kiss me. I held it for a bit, enjoying the way the warmth of his tongue flowed over mine until I realized if my mom caught me doing this my ass would be grass. I pushed him back gently. “Johnny! I can’t do that. Behave!”

“C'mon, I at least need to have a little bit of fun while I’m here. And then when we get back to the motel we can-”

I felt a tap on my shoulder then. Johnny and I both looked up to see a tall, absolutely golden, green eyed adonis that looked like he could pick me up and toss me around in an instant. If I could have heart eyes I definitely would. I let go of Johnny instantly, almost pushing him away as my heart started to skip beats.

“Eri!” I knew it was him instantly even if puberty hit him like a freight train and gave him a deep bass-y voice that made my hair stand on end. He opened his arms to scoop me up and crush me to his barrel chest which smelled of high priced cologne. My feet dangled just a bit when he lifted me. “I can’t believe it. I haven’t seen you in ages!”

“Oh my god, Josue…Jesus, you’re huge.” God I hoped he was huge everywhere.

He laughed and I tried not to show how much it affected me. “Oh yeah, I’m really into that health and fitness thing. You really uh…wow. Definitely not a teeny bopper anymore.” He set me back down and adjusted the sleeves of his suit jacket.

“Yep! Got bigger boobs now, haha!” Why did I say that? WHY???

He licked his lips a smiled a bit. “I can definitely see that.”

Johnny cleared his throat deeply. Josue turned his attention to the man behind me. “Oh hey, I’m Josue. Who are you?”

“I’m her boy-”

“This is just Johnny!” I interjected with a nervous laugh. “Just Johnny! Want to go get something to drink? We can catch up!”

Josue flashed his incredibly perfect teeth. “Yeah I’d love that.” He set his giant hand against the small of my back ushering me away from Johnny.

“Eri!” Johnny said sternly.

“I’ll just be quick!” I mouthed to him, letting myself get whisked away. He didn’t seem too happy about that but I could let him sulk for a bit. I was too preoccupied at the moment anyway.

–

Johnny’s POV

That was fucked up. Way more than fucked up and I was pissed off beyond belief. She was the one who begged me to come with her so she would survive her family. Now she was head over heels for some dude she had a crush on years ago who looked like the biggest douchebag to ever exist. He was taller than me and more built, had perfect teeth and no lisp. I wanted to punch him dead in the jaw.

I didn’t know what to do now. If I went after her it might cause a scene which I didn’t completely want. I still knew that this party was important to her sister and unlike her I wasn’t being an asshole for once. I could get another drink and maybe get away with being a little tipsy but her loud uncles were hogging up the space and the bartender’s attention. I grumbled as I sat back down at the table. my arms crossed as I contemplated leaving her and going back to the motel by myself.

"What are you pouting for?!” Dani said as she plopped down next to me, her poofy dress seeming to expand.

“Nothing.”

“Where’s Eri?”

“With precious Josue.” I said bitterly.

“Ah, so he finally found her. I knew he would.” She drummed her nails on the table thinking over her next statement. “You’re not dating my sister are you?”

“It’s complicated…”

“You’re fuck buddies?”

“Yes.”

“I figured as much. She can’t never lie right when it comes to me. So, you’re in love with her then?”

I snapped my head towards her. “Excuse me?”

“You’re in love with her right? I mean that’s the only reason you would be sulking over her because Eri went off with her new papi.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’m not sulking.” She was definitely Eri’s sister with how she blurted out things without consequence.

“Look, if you want to win her over you need to definitely do something that will make her remember you. Not that I want to hear about my sister’s sex life or even think about her getting p or v action, but if you got something she might like, go for it. And do it before she ends up going to Josue’s hotel.” She craned her neck to see where Eri and that asshole had gone off too. “Looks like he may have already given her his number.”

I looked in the same direction, my anger only getting stronger. They were huddled over their phones, laughing, with Eri casually (but noticeably) keeping her hands on him. I didn’t want to “win her over”. I wanted to stake my claim and tell him to fuck right off. The grip on my biceps got tighter the more I stared at them. “Ay, you got a younger brother?”

I turned my attention back to Dani, a bit grateful that she was distracting me enough to not go apeshit. “What? No? I’m an only child.”

“Wack. But like if you’re not gonna date Eri then likeeee…”

“You’re fifteen! I’m not going to jail nor am I interested.”

“Ok, ok…but like do you have any younger friends? What flavor Asian are you? Chinese? Or like them ones that dance on tv? The um…the Korean ones!”

“Oh my God.” I ran a hand over my face. “Yes I’m Korean. And no I don’t have any friends your age. My only young friend in Toronto is 18, which is still illegal.”

“Dammit. You know Eri be listening to that stuff right?”

I pulled out my phone, wanting her to take a hint that she was now annoying me without being too rude. “Doesn’t surprise me when she fucks half of Asia.”

“All her hookups are with Asian guys?”

“As far as I’m aware. But who fuckin’ knows.”

“Oooohhh I gotta mess with her about that. Guess she trying to get that carribean dick now.” She cackled and slapped my back hard as she got up. “Call me, ok?!” She said as she finally left me to join the gaggle of teenage girls that were her friends.

I rubbed my temples and took a few deeps breaths. I needed a smoke, badly. I looked to see if Eri was still stuck to Josue’s side but they were nowhere to be found. I looked around the dance floor trying to see if they might have gone there. Sure enough she was grinding on him now, definitely not as awkward as she had been with me. She was practically bent over and ready to get fucked by him. Fuck it. I stood up and weaved through everyone dancing to make my way over to her. I stood in front of her, watching as she came up from shaking her ass.

“Can we help you?” Josue yelled over the music to me. I rolled my eyes at him and took Eri’s chin in my hand giving her a deep kiss. She stumbled back a bit and gripped onto my vest. When i pulled away i licked my lips, tasting the slight flavor of her lipstick.

“Johnny!” She exclaimed.

“What the hell are you doing?” He asked, in his macho voice, trying to one up me.

“Oh, you didn’t know?” I grabbed onto Eri’s waist and kept her close to me. “She’s MY girlfriend. You had your fun catching up right?”

“Eri, you didn’t tell me-”

She looked panicked as she glanced between us. “No, wait- It’s just-”

“Come with me.” I growled in her ear. “Now.”

“Johnny , I swear to g-” I kept my arm around her waist and lead her towards the front door of the venue. When we were in the clear she whipped around to face me. “What the actual fuck?!”

“I should be asking you the same thing! You’re really gonna ditch me to throw yourself on him? After you begged me to come here?!”

“I wasn’t throwing myself on him! We haven’t seen each other in 7 years! So excuse me if I wanted to talk with him.”

“Hard to talk to him with his dick practically in your mouth! What is wrong with you?!”

“Why are you being such a jerk again! You always do this!” She yelled.

“You’re the one being the jerk this time! I’m fuckin’ pissed. When are we leaving?”

“Leaving?! I have to stay here for at least a few hours! Clearly you don’t know how these go.”

“No, Eri, i fuckin’ don’t. But I do know that you going off with someone else while I’m supposed to be your boyfriend blows our entire cover. So either you fucking act right or I can leave right now. You sister already knows were lying.”

“Fuck!” She stomped her foot and sighed. “I knew she would figure it out. She better not tell anyone.”

“I’m pretty sure she won’t have to with you being stupid. Get me my cigs from your purse wallet thingy.”

“Get you-? Get it yourself! I’m freezing and I’m going back inside. And maybe i’ll still be talking with Josue!”

I grabbed her arm and held onto it. “Eri, do you want to go there? Really want to go there?” My eyes caught hers and i could see how hard she swallowed. Her chest was heaving chest a bit and trembling with the cold.

“What are you going to do?” She sniffled.

“Do you want to find out?”

“M-maybe.”

I let her go then opened the door, guiding her back inside. “Then keep it up. I dare you.”

She stayed quiet then but shuffled ahead of me quickly. I realized I had made her walk outside without her shoes on or our coats but it was whatever at this point. I needed her to know that I wasn’t playing games any more. She was mine.

–*

Eri’s POV

I could barely keep up with Johnny’s long strides from the parking lot to the door of our motel room. He continued his little tyrade of sticking by me and keeping me from Josue, never letting go of my hand, or my waist, even when he went through the ringer of meeting more members of my family. Him being pissed off had me pissed off and it didn’t help when my family told me how fat I looked, or asked when Johnny and I were getting married, or why I had spent so much time in college, or even that what I was studying wasn’t going to get me a real job. It made the entire rest of the night absolutely fucking miserable. Not to mention when I told my mother I was going to spend the night in the motel with Johnny instead of driving home at midnight she blew up on me, saying that it wasn’t right and insisting that I stay at the house. I refused to and I had no idea why she still thought I was some sort of Virgin de Guadalupe or some shit. It was another fight to end this magical night. I gave up and just wanted to take a hot shower, put on my fuzzy pajamas on and possibly smoother Johnny with a pillow as he slept.

Johnny barged into our room, not even bothering to hold the door open for me. I didn’t even want to deal with him since I was still mad at my mother for treating me like a child. I went straight to prepping for my shower, tossing my clutch and fake eyelashes on the desk and my phone on the bed so i could plug it in to charge. I unzipped the dress as best as I could without his assistance and shimmied out of it, leaving it a puddle in front of the bed. I didn’t care anymore. Not one bit. After I showered I pulled the too short towel around me and went back into the shared space. Johnny was sitting in the chair, feet propped up on the desk and tie loosened. He was glaring at me and I swallowed hard at the intensity. He dropped his legs and leaned forward in the seat, undoing the first few buttons on his dress shirt.

I tried to ignore the effect he had on me and instead went to my duffel bag to try and find my pajamas. He stopped me as I passed by him, grabbing my wrist and pulling me in front of him. “Ow! What’s your problem now?!” I asked, still trying to clutch onto my towel so it wouldn’t fall.

“This night was complete bullshit. I’m your boyfriend and all you could do was throw yourself onto that guy and embarrass me in front of everyone.”

“I wasn’t throwing myself on him!” I argued again. I hated that he was saying that. So what if I found Josue incredibly attractive and felt like a preteen again as soon as I saw him? That was my business and not Johnny’s.

“You grinded on him, got his number, and had your arms around him for minutes on end. You made me look stupid. I’m your boyfriend, Eri.”

“Fake boyfriend.” I corrected.

“That’s what I meant.”

“Why should you be embarrassed then?!”

“Because your uncles didn’t think that I was man enough to keep you with me. And your aunts talked shit about me all night.” He pressed himself up against me making the edge of the desk dig into my lower back. “You said you were going to be civil and you were far from civil.” He set his hands on either side of my hips, keeping me in place.

“A-ah, Johnny…back u-up.” I whimpered and avoided looking at him but he grabbed my face roughly.

“You wanna try that shit again, Eri? Hmm?”

I could feel his fingers digging harshly into my jaw. “I didn’t do anything wrong! You’re just a jealous prick that-”

He pulled away from me and shoved me back onto the bed, instantly hovering over me. My towel fell open just like my legs and he pinned both my wrists above my head in one of his large hands. I swallowed hard and felt my heartbeat increase. I had no idea what had gotten into him and i was partially thinking about what Doyoung had said about Johnny. Was he actually trying to manipulate me and make me feel bad for being with Josue? I bit my lip as I thought, wondering what his next move would be. “Get off me.” I tried to sound strong but it was a pathetic attempt.

“Open.” He demanded.

“W-what?” What the hell did he want? I figured it out quickly as three of his fingers dove down my throat almost making me gag. I squirmed against him, trying to edge my head away but he was adding more of his weight onto me as his fingers plowed into my mouth. His knee was pressed right into my center, the residual wetness from the shower dampening the fabric. I tried swallowing around the invasion when his knee started to rock into me.

“Suck harder, Eri.”

I didn’t dare look at him. His voice was doing something to me as always. Stirring the pot of emotions and hormones that made me fall into a space of complete submission. This wasn’t like his usual ways though throughout or hookups I could see the dominance poking through. Now he was another person that I was desperate to get to know. I tried my best to suck deeper at his fingers, sliding my tongue around them and providing them all the wetness they hopefully needed. I knew exactly where they were going and i was going to be stretched far beyond my imagination. With his thrust his rings kissed my lips, shocking me with a bit of cold and excitement. I edged my tongue around the silver as best I could given the invasion that took up most of my mouth. Slowly the metal warmed up and I pressed my thighs against his, feeling a tingling throughout my center.

He pulled his hand away sharply, making me cough as his glistening fingers dove lower. Two were rushed inside me making my knees jerk up towards my chest and toes curl. I was already crying out his name, wanting him to slow down just enough for me to catch my breath and adjust but he ignored me. Instead he was working in the third finger, forcing my walls to flex and waver around him. He was already digging my arousal out of me. I could hear it so blatantly echoing in our room. I buried my face in my arm beside my head, still being unable to free my hands though I struggled as much as I could. He seemed to like that struggle as his fingers curled deep inside me, knuckles pressing against my entrance, the rings threatening to push past and fill me up too.

“Fuck, Johnny!!!” I cried out as my thighs almost snapped shut. It was starting to be too much and I could feel myself already crawling towards an orgasm.

“Quiet.” Was all he said as he pulled his fingers out to give me some relief from the pressure. I was throbbing and gaping around the stretch he left behind, my whole lower half practically trembling. He finally let me go and sat down on the bed. He splayed his legs open, unzipping his dress pants and beckoning me over to him. “Get over here.”

I shook my head, raising myself to my knees and shrinking myself away. I wasn’t scared of him, far from it. I was definitely turned on more than anything but I wanted to push him further than he had ever been capable of. He wanted to be a jealous boyfriend that pushed my buttons well I was going to push right back. “You’re being a jerk. I’m not giving you the satisfaction, especially after you decided to barge in there with your giant ass fingers!”

He lurched forward and grabbed onto my arm before I could wiggle away. He yanked me to his chest then gripped the back of my neck hard. Our eyes met before he pulled me close to his lips. “I like it better when you don’t talk.”

I squinted at him, almost in shock that he used my own line against me. “You fucker.”

He pressed me down towards his lap though I tried to resist as much as I could. It was no use as he was stronger than me and I was face to face with his growing length trapped within his briefs. His hand was now digging into my hair keeping me firmly in place. I landed a bite to his hipbone making sure he knew I wasn’t too pleased in the way he was handling me. He hissed out my name and arched his hips, his nails digging into my scalp. I wrapped my hand around his, trying to pry his iron grip away while adding kitten licks to the outline of his cock. That seemed to soothe him a little as I heard him exhale through his nose as he relaxed back against the wall. His nails quit marking my skin and he opted to push my hair away from my face gently instead of trying to rip it out.

I slid his briefs back and guided him towards my mouth pressing kisses down the shaft before licking back up to the tip. Once I got to the tip, I took him in, swallowing his head completely. I shifted my hips to raise my ass higher for him to look at knowing it would tease him. I looked up at him and saw the full pleasure that was written across his face. His eyes had closed, his lips pressed together, and his fingers trailing down to open more buttons on his dress shirt. I popped off him and placed kisses up his stomach with each new area that became exposed. “I can tease that little spot that you like.” I smirked and added a slow stroke to his cock.

“Actually, I have a better idea.” He shoved me down onto my back and straddled my shoulders, his cock now hovering above my face. I couldn’t move with his weight on me and I was trapped between his thick thighs. He tapped my lips with his cock which I absolutely hated. I slapped at his stomach but he remained stoic. He only moved to shove himself down my throat, propping one hand against the wall while the other kept my head in place. He worked quickly to rock his hips against my face making me claw at him. I wasn’t used to this sort of thing, even with all of my experience, and it hurt like all hell. I was trying my damnedest not to gag around him but it was impossible given the fact that he was ramming into my throat. My eyes watered and tears fell against my will. My nails dug into his hips as I silently begged for him to slow down.

He was moaning my name, more than he ever had before, completely lost in the pleasure of torturing my throat. He looked fucking amazing, I had to give him that much, even if I hated what he was doing to me. I loved the way his hair was coming undone from the gel he used, the way his dress shirt lay open and his tie dangled above me like an invitation. The way his thighs stretched out his dress pants was a dream and I wanted to touch every part of him. I reached for the thinner end of his tie, pulling roughly so it zipped up to his throat. He lurched back at the sudden pressure and looked down at me. He must have seen my fucked up state because he pulled out, leaving me grossed out by the messy spit that connected us still.

"Fu-fucker. That hurt” I croaked.

He pulled off me completely before lifting me up to sit in his lap. He wiped away my tears and I buried my face in his neck, clutching onto his vest. He kissed at my cheek, pulling me away from hiding. “You ok?”

I sniffled and nodded. He worked his hands over my sides and hips trying to soothe me more. Of course he couldn’t help himself and gripped my ass tight which made me laugh just a bit. “I’ve never done that before…”

“Really?” He asked, surprised.

“Ok, I’m a hoe but like there are some things I haven’t done before. You have to remember you dick is huge, dude. I’m small.”

He gave me soft tender kisses and tucked my hair behind my ear. “I know, princess. I’m sorry. But don’t think you’re getting away with this shit either.”

I pouted and crossed my arms over my chest. “I stand by the fact that I didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Hmm.” Was all he said before he tossed me face down onto the bed. I looked back at him as he discarded the rest of his clothes, dangerously holding his tie in his hand. He mounted me, as I was completely his to take and wrapped the loop of the tie around my wrists, pulling tight. “You like this don’t you?” It was supposed to be a command but I could tell it was mostly an uneasy question and he needed permission to continue.

I nodded and smiled at him. “I like it a lot, daddy.” I gave him a quick kiss sealing my consent. I threw out my rule of not using our titles with one another since he couldn’t actually communicate but in this moment I need him to know that I was his to command and I was giving him as much power as I would allow.

He wrapped the length tie around his fist, keeping a firm hold on it. His other hand jerked my hips up while his knee nudged my legs apart as far as they could go. My ass was raised, arms outstretched, and my body was trembling with excitement. His first thrust was swift and hard. I could hear his hips snap against me and I was barely able to hold myself up in that moment. My arms shook weakly and I dug my fingers into the sheets as my mouth curved into a silent moan. He was almost too deep for me to handle and every slam into me seemed harsher than the last. I couldn’t really keep up. It was overpowering and I wanted to scream my pleasure into the tiny room though I could barely even mumble a word.

My fingers curled as I tried to send tension to my arms instead of my weakening legs. It was useless though and I could feel my stomach tightening. He landed a slap to my ass just as I tried to pull away from him and regroup. I hissed and bowed my head, breathing out his title again. Suddenly, my phone buzzed by my head, the screen lighting up and distracting me. I turned to see who it was and winced. This was the worst time for him to call.

Johnny pressed my head into the mattress and sped up his brutal thrusts. “Why don’t you answer it, Eri? Let him hear how good you’re getting fucked. Tell him who’s really your boyfriend.”

I opened my mouth to say anything but all that came out we’re soft croaks. I panicked when I saw him reach for my phone and I struggled to move to try and block him. “D-dont, please don’t.” I was finally able to say. He let go of his grip on the tie wrapped around my wrists and instead set it around my neck. The call disappeared much to my relief.

“What a shame Eri. Let’s see if he calls back or if he took the fucking hint.” I swallowed hard and nodded, biting into my lip to try and still my moans. He quickly latched his teeth into my neck, sucking deeply like he always did when he wanted to mark me. “Stay on all fours, got it?”

I propped myself back to my elbows as he forced my thighs to rest on the outside of his. I could hear his moan of satisfaction at the sight of me splayed open with his cock stuffed inside me. I wanted to shy away and hide but he wouldn’t let me of course. He resumed his grip on the tie, pulling it taught around my neck and constricting my air flow. My eyelids fluttered and i wondered if this was heaven. Jesus, it felt so amazing even if every muscle in my body felt like it was burning and my insides were a scrambled mess. While he made my back dip by pulling my neck by the tie I felt his other hand slid down from my hips to my wetness, flowing over my clit. I was grateful for the extra attention and wiggled my hips to rock back against him and dive further into his fingers.

His finger started to trail from my clit to dance around my gaping entrance and just like before he pressed the long digit in little by little until it was almost as deep as his cock. I pleaded for him to stop, it was too much, too overwhelming for my overly sensitive walls but he kept working away at my torturous pleasure. That, coupled with his thickness, made the tendons in my legs strain as bliss shot through me. My moans mixed in with my strangled pants as he dared to press a second finger into me.“J-johnny!!” I rasped. “It’s too much!!”

He pressed his body weight harder against me, keeping me pinned so I would have no way from escaping the overstretching. “You’re not going anywhere.” He whispered harshly in my ear, making me shudder. He curled his finger then, the pressure of his knuckles against his cock, and the sliding of his rings against my heated walls made me clench meekly around him. Johnny enjoyed seeing me writhe beneath him, seeing me try and focus on being a good brat when in reality I was starting to unravel into a brainless mess. Nothing had a hold on my attention like the buildup he was creating inside me. I could barely process the words he was saying to me with how fuzzy my senses were. He curled his fingers deeper getting right to the root of my pleasure. The head of his cock was edging as far as it could go within me, his fingers pressed into the perfect spot, and his thumb brought back smalls swipes and circles against my clit. It was a haphazard clusterfuck of intense sensations that all culminated into a harsh orgasm that sent my mind reeling. It felt like my cum rushed out of me, painting my thighs with a deep warmth that was astounding.

I squeezed my eyes shut as my entire frame trembled. My muscles seized, tensed, and finally gave out. I fell forwards, collapsing onto the bed in a breathless heap. My lower half practically felt numb and I tried to concentrate on not passing out. It wasn’t just the physical fatigue, the mental and emotional fatigue of the entire day weighed on me in that moment. My few seconds of recuperation was cut short when Johnny pulled his fingers out of me. I felt another gush then, making me a bit confused as to how wet I really was. It definitely felt different and I could hear Johnny make some remark though his words weren’t registering. He said something else and I nodded weakly, agreeing to whatever he had posed just for me to have the ability to relax soon.

But that was definitely wishful thinking. He yanked me almost to the edge of the bed and continued his brutal fucking. I let him grip onto the back of my thighs as he huffed out growls and moans. He was swelling inside me, making me wince yet encourage him with mumbles that I thought were words. His fingertips dug into me harder and that sweet heat spread throughout my body again. I smiled and relished in the feeling of him pumping into me, slower and slower, until he milked himself completely. I laid there, unmoving and enjoying the way he felt inside me like I always did until I i lost myself in sleep.

–*

Johnny’s POV

I felt her move beneath me and there was a stickiness and sweatiness between us. I groaned as I didn’t really want to move but I needed to break away and get some air. My hand was over hers, my body curled around her, and my cock of course still inside her. It was almost perfect save for the giant wet spot we were forced to lay in because she squirted everywhere. We had both fallen asleep almost immediately after and i just adjusted her in the bed for me to have enough room to spoon her. Now everything made me feel like I needed an hour long shower. I rolled away, letting go of her hand and putting my forearm over my eyes to block out the bright light of the room. How long were we even asleep for?

She mumbled something and groaned, blinking a few times before fully looking at me. “Hey.” She sounded like she had smoked 2 packs of cigarettes a day for the past 40 years and I cringed at my handiwork. She tried clearing her throat but opted that it was too sore and winced in pain.

“Hey…maybe you shouldn’t talk…” She glared at me and I shuffled a bit away so she wouldn’t attack me.

“I feel gross. Why is everything wet? What happened?”

“What do you mean what happened? We fucked?”

“No, no, I know that. But I was so tired at the end-” She paused to rub at her throat. “I felt like half asleep. It was good though but I was worn out.” She laughed softly.

“Well, you’re welcome for that but like…do you even remember your orgasm?”

She nodded quickly, her smile beaming. “Oh yeah.”

“You squirted everywhere and basically we’ve been laying in the soaked sheets because we’re dumb as fuck.”

“Wait…squirted? No, i can’t do that. I’ve never done that.”

“What do you mean you cant do that? You literally did. Twice. The first time when you had your big one and then when i pulled my fingers out. It was like…not how they make it out to be in porn. Like not some weird super soaker spray but like-”

She held her hand up to stop me. “Please don’t describe it any further. I just…holy shit.”

I pulled out of her slowly, never getting used to that amazing feeling. It got me every time. It also sent my cum dripping out of her which was almost as good of a sight as her squirting. “Fuck…”

She wiggled a bit, a look of discomfort on her face. “What the hell?”

“We’ll now we got my cum on the sheets…” I said, partially annoyed. We really had to get them off this bed.

“DID YOU CUM IN ME AGAIN?!”

Her yelling caught me off guard. “Yes? I asked you this time and you agreed!”

“When?!”

“What do you mean when!?”

“I’m sorry if I was too fucked out and tired to freakin’ listen to you blab during sex! But you can’t be doing that! It freaks me out!!!”

“Hey, i asked to cash in my favor and you definitely said yes so I did it. It is not my fault.” I sat up slowly and inched my way to roll off the bed. “Come on. We need to get these off and I think I’m gonna take a shower.”

“Aren’t you worried at all?” She said softly.

“Me? Not really. I told you it’ll be alright. We’ve got everything covered.” It was a lie but I was blinded by how good it felt sexually and I also didn’t want to make her panic more than she already was. I told myself I’d stop after this one last time and not risk it anymore. She didn’t move and I could tell she was overthinking again. I went over to her and scooped her into my arms, holding her bridal style. “I’ll have you get the shower started while I take care of the bed. She held onto my neck and buried her face in my chest as I walked her into the bathroom, gently setting her down in the tub. “You ok?”

“Y-yeah…” She reached up and pulled me in for a kiss that I held for a long time. It wasn’t deep or passionate but more so intimate and warm. I sighed and cupped her face.

“Go, ok? I’ll be right back.”

I pulled away from her which seemed to be getting harder and harder each time. Even if it was just back into the room it felt like a million miles away. I tore off the soaked sheets, glad that the comforter was still mostly dry, and tossed them in the corner of the room. I said a silent apology to housekeeping and hoped to all hell they wouldn’t look at it directly when they put it in the wash. I padded back to the bathroom and slipped in behind her.

“Turn around.” She said and I gave her a questioning look. She sucked her teeth. “I was just about to get the…stuff out.”

“Eri, i’ve literally seen you every which way. Do you really think I care how you look getting my cum out of you?”

“JUST DO IT.”

I sighed and turned around, picking up the little motel bar of soap and ripping off the plastic. I waited for her to finish, getting impatient about being in the cold spot. “Dude, hurry up.”

“THERE IS A LOT OK? You don’t cum like a normal human being!”

“Apparently neither do you, Splash Mountain.”

‘OH MY GOD. SHUT UP. SHUT UP. SHUT UP. SHUT UP.”

I snorted and looked back at her. “Can I please get under the water now? I’m freezing.”

She switched spots with me and I finally got under the hot stream, thankful to wash away a whole nights worth of sex. My time under the stream by myself didn’t last long as Eri snuggled up next to me, her hair a soaking mess of waves that framed her face and made her look like a painting of a goddess. “Too cold. I want to be next to you.”

“You big baby.” I joked and ruffled her hair. She pouted and poked at my stomach making me squirm away. Our antics made our shower way more fun than it should’ve been, mimicking the perfect time we had in the tub before I freaked out on her. It was almost like a do over and I was appreciative of that fact. Once we were done and dried we curled up, facing one another, under the comforter. And although we were both fatigued, we stood up for hours talking about shit I never even dreamed about knowing about her. By the time the sun rose I was able to realize that one thing was for sure. I was in love with her.

–

We thought everything would be fine after that, and it was between us, but on Eri’s side things seemed to hit the fan one after the other. Their grandpa, who was back on the island they were from, fell ill. Their mother didn’t let them have a say in anything and whisked them away, making them leave school and work behind. There was a looming threat that they could be fired or even lose their financial aid which worried them just as much as their grandpa’s health. Each night they were gone we would facetime just so I could see them. I missed having them beside me whenever I wanted and it wasn’t even about the sex anymore. I genuinely found that I liked talking to them. There was never any judgement and I started to understand why certain things were important to them. Now I had to be there for them and help them stay strong even though I knew they were crumbling.

I was laying on my side, my phone propped against the wall, as I watched them cry. There wasn’t much I could do, or even say, at this point but i remained on the video. They apologized over and over for crying so much but i reassured them that I didn’t care. They let me know that it was okay when I cried and I wanted them to know the same. “I miss you..” They hiccuped.

I sniffed and cleared my throat, swallowing my own emotions. “I miss you too…you know you have to be there. It’s going to be okay.”

“He’s gonna die Johnny. I know it. I visited him today at the hospital and my mom and my aunts just keep putting this weird bandaid on it. They keep thinking he’s going to bounce back and be able to take care of the house and my grandma and he wont. He literally wont. I don’t know why they won’t just fuckin’ say it.”

“They’re scared, Eri. They’re losing one of their parents. It’s always going to be scary.”

“I know that but I hate being the only fucking rational one here. It’s driving me insane. Just look at him and say he’s going to die! He’s just going to die, Johnny. He’s going to…” They burst into another round of tears and buried their face into a pillow, muffling the heart wrenching sobs. I wish I could be there. I wish I could hold them so fucking tight and never let them go. It hurt me to see them like this.

“Baby, look at me, ok?” They moved their head up and wiped at their eyes. “When you come back here, i’ll be here for you ok? It’s going to be hard but I’ll help you get through this. And so will Quinn and stupid ass Lucas and all your other friends.”

I finally saw them crack a small smile which made me feel a little better. “I know…I-” Suddenly, someone burst into their room. I couldn’t make out who it was exactly as the video started to pixelate. They had a conversation that I couldn’t understand but seemed stressed. They grabbed their phone and finally the video came back into view. “I have to go. I-I’ll talk to you later, ok?!” Before I could even respond the video was cut off and I had my own disturbance burst into my room. I shot up in bed, looking at Jae who seemed to be distressed. Great, was everyone around me having issues at once?

“Dude, what the-” He held his cell phone out in his shaking hand and I could see a call from an unknown number going on. “What?” I asked, still confused.

“Talk. Talk now.”  was all he said.

I took the phone tentatively and held it to my ear. My body went into shock as soon as I heard the voice that had haunted me for weeks on end. The voice that made my skin crawl and make me want to vomit. What she said next drenched my blood run cold.

“Johnny, I’m pregnant.”

#johnny #johnny fanfic #johnny smut #johnny suh #johnny seo #nct #nct 127 fanfic #johnny nct #nct 127 fanfiction #nct 127 #nct smut #nct 127 smut

[tfw-no-tennis]

huntoxhunto

we watched 2 whole more eps but we’re abt to vacay so i better recap this biz now before i forget

ok so we finished the zoldyck arc and uhhhh gotta say we werent expecting like any of that to happen lol 

ok ill back up so we start w/killuas mom (i dont think we ever heard her name) confronting gon & co....and canary (i lov her) is not dead which i assumed but thank goodness. 

zoldyck mom was totally using nen. also she is off her rocker gotta say. tho that visor is super cool, albeit confusing - is it connected to a bunch of security cameras or something? how does she see all that shit? 

granpa is wild. his tunic thing that says ‘one kill a day’ or w/e is kinda hilarious, it reminds me of the ‘apple a day keeps the dr away’ saying...a murder a day keeps the....idk away????

i love that killua makes it abundantly clear that he couldve like escaped at any time lol. also tho why didnt he just escape....baby boy just leave 

killua getting all serious and threatening milluki if he messes with gon....my boys got it BAD 

this family has so many communication issues hvbjadkfbjaskdfj nobody is on the same page at all 

the butler guy continued to remind me of kuro one piece this whole time...i was waiting for him to bust out the ridiculous cat claws

oh my GOD wait the flashbacks of EVEN BABIER KILLUA were so precious ;_; he was soooo tiny and cute oh my god. so precious. and canary was also so tiny and cute 

baby killua really just wanted a friend :(((( and canary wanted to be friends w/him but knew that mom zoldyck would kill her if she overstepped like that :( thats so tragic mannnn

also canary is so cool man. her beating up all those guys was epic

ok that whole scene with killua and his dad was like, such a rollercoaster lmao

like....it was all over the place for me...first of all the ambiance was wack, the room lighting was weird and im p sure killuas seat was an electric chair??? and the dad was in a coffin thing..???? like....interesting aesthetic choices all over the place here 

also i see now where killua got his hair and also his catboy tendencies. the zoldyck catboy genes seem to trace back to zoldyck dad, who has kinda scary cat eyes 

also im guessing that the dad is the blood zoldyck and the mom is the one who married in. they sure seem to put a lot of emphasis on like, family legacy or w/e, but the two parents certainty go abt it in different ways 

the whole convo b/w killua and his dad was wild, it totally didnt go where i was expecting it to. his dad was weirdly chill while also being super intense? 

killua happily telling stories abt gon was so sweet....baby boy baby 

and his dad telling him ‘never betray your friends’ was rlly interesting...i wonder what his reasons were for saying that 

cause then he tells killua he can leave, and killua does, but then dad zoldyck tells mom zoldyck (i rlly need to find out their names) that he thinks killua will come back on his own time....inch resting 

i wonder if dad zoldyck made killua promise that bc he was trying to set killua up for failure - as in, he tells killua to never betray his friends, thinking that killua inevitably will & be distraught abt it, and then turn back to the zoldyck family when this happens. idk

also its interesting to me that zoldyck dad wants killua to lead the family someday. like, illumi is right there, hes the oldest and clearly dedicated to being an evil assassin, and he seems p good at it...i wonder why killua is the favorite....the grandpa (i think) did say that killua is Special(tm) which...yes he is a special baby boy i love him. i wanna see more zoldyck family flashbacks/interactions so we can see what led them to this point 

oh lord that reminds me of illumi briefly appearing in the killua flashback and hes just like, suddenly there, wearing some gay ass sweater....like ok dude did you just come back from the Evil Assassin Library or st?????

that reminds me too, ruth tells me that apparently in the manga illumi and hisoka got married or something???? to which i say, thats fucking wild, but also it makes sense, those two are both horrible and disgusting and they absolutely deserve each other hbvajvhsdfjbak peak evil nasty gay rep, i love it. i cant wait to see whatever the fuck the context to that is bc, thats fucking wild

ok back to the plot so like its so wild to me how smoothly everything went hvubsjduhfbjsh like....killuas dad was rlly like ok u can leave and killua just went to the butler house and then canary woke up and was like ok gon & crew lets go to the butler house to see killua, fuck the rules, (and she didnt even get killed for ‘disobedience’ or w/e, or more likely - in most big shounen, she wouldve been attacked by the other evil butlers and gon wouldve had to fight them)

killua Rlly was like fuck this place im leaving my boyfriend and his parents are here to pick me up [puts on gayest outfit he owns and skateboards away] hvbhsjdfbjdkf

i love killuas weird gay preteen fashion so far and i cant wait to see more 

killua telling the butler guy to let him know as SOON as gon gets there cause he wants to see him AS SOON AS HE CAN ;_; bro they r....in love 

of course the butler is trickey tho lmao, any other shounen this wouldve turned into an 8 ep long fight scene sequence where gon has to fight the butlers in order to see killua 

and the of course gon is the same way, gon is like i need to see killua RIGHT NOW take me to him!!! ohhh my god babies

the whole coin game was wild, it was funny when the other butlers got involved too lmao 

when gon was like ‘hey leorio can i see your knife’ i was like OH NO I DONT LIKE WHERE THIS IS GOING. and i was right bc OWWWWW baby boy oh my god!!!! but that seems to have solved it even tho thats NOT how swelling works at ALL- 

anyways gon is a cute smart good boy and i also find it funny how killua eventually gets impatient and just busts in on this whole dramatic situation (and the tension immediately deescalates as a result lmao) 

tangent but god its so funny seeing all these butler guys deferring to killua, an actual 12 yr old....i wanna see the hilarious and hijink-filled results of killua being raised as a rich spoiled assassin prince. thats a lethal combo thats gotta result in some wildly skewed perceptions on how things work, especially paired with gon ‘probably eats dirt for fun and sleeps in trees’ freecess 

godddd gon and killuas lil reunion is SOOO cute they were so happy to see each other ;_; bro they are SO cuteeeee augh. two tiny babies

killua being like oh hi also uh kurapika andddd [looks at smudged writing on hand] lorpo 

hvhhbajfbs dont do my man leorio like that killua hes a hardworking father 

the fact that they just like. LEAVE...thats so wild. i cant believe how little fighting this arc had. this all wrapped up SO much faster than i could have ever anticipated lmao 

where the heck was alluka!? i assumed she’d show up here but uhhhh guess not......in the silhouette shot of all the zoldycks she and killua were holding hands ;_; my fucking uwus bro 

we also didnt see the grandma or great grandpa so im guessing theyll appear later 

gon being like fuck it im not using my hunters license til i punch hisoka in the fucking face hvbhahsfbjsk thats hilarious 

also a convenient way to let him have his hunters license but not utilize it til later in the story...its so early for him to have achieved that big chunk of his goal, which just shows that hxh is Not your typical shounen and isnt gonna just be centered around gons quest to become a hunter 

so we finally found out what hisoka said to kurapika....just as i thought, it was st to do w/the phantom troupe. so theres a handy setup for the yorknew city arc later. bam 

hisoka just being like ‘hey meet me in this (presumably) very large city on this date. no i will not tell you where in the city to meet me. bye seeya there’ 

tbf hisoka is very hard to miss 

god when they arrive and kurapika is just like ok well we got killua so im out lol bye everyone....bro hvbjkhgbfjhdksfhjk that felt so abrupt 

and then leorio was like oh yeah same i gotta go study time to take the fantasy MCAT or w/e

AND THEY BOTH LEFT....now gon and killua r chilling but im like oh my god no leorio kurapika come back, we need some (questionable) adult supervision over here 

and like immediately killua is like ok gon do you have money. and of Course gon doesnt have money. so killua is like well you need money and you need to train so you can deck hisoka, so lets go to a fantasy version of an underground fighting ring! this is why kurapika and leorio needed to stay 

tho they probably wouldve just gone along with it 

they did all promise to meet in yorknew city, but thats apparently like 6 months away. are gon and killua rlly gonna spend 6 months at heavens arena

the part where killua draws the diagram demonstrating how much of a n00b gon is....hvbajdkhfbhajskf

AND THEN when he drew himself into the diagram and was like :3c wow im so modest HBJHSKHDFHBJS that was so funny

it was like that post thats like ‘you can tell when a cats pupils change and they just shift into Silly Mode’ thats what killua looked like...catboy

so thats basically it i think, gon and killua are heading to heavens arena to join fight club or whatever. tournament arc time! 

PREDICTION CORNER: 

i doubt this is the last weve seen of the zoldyck family. i mean we havent even met 3 of them, and we barely saw the ones we did meet...idk when theyll come back but i suspect theyll be making some big money moves later on and fucking shit up somehow 

i think maybe illumi or someone will like, spy on killua sometimes to keep track of him. or theyll track him by other means

ill use the prediction corner to reflect on incorrect predictions so heres a few. i rlly thot killua was gonna be more edgy than he is but hes rlly just a good boy huh. like hes a gay baby assassin catboy but hes so cute and good too. he just wants to live his life and hang out with his tiny bf like... omg :’) 

also i thot hisoka held a totally different narrative role lbvahkfjhjjaksfl i thot he was like main villain guy....hes more like an annoying creepy clown dude who (probably) shows up a lot to bother the main cast. we’ll see, but thats what i think of him now

like i thought hisoka would be like p1 dio, where hed be/quickly become a powerful antagonist who would amass a bunch of followers/minions (when actually the only person he seems to hang out w/is illumi, and theyre more like equals than an evil guy/minion dynamic)...or like i thought hisoka would be very well known as a scary evil guy but nope he was just another participant in the hunter exam, albeit a weird freaky one whose rancid vibes everyone seemed to pick up on 

anyways actual predictions, i think hisoka is gonna be at heavens arena, which would be super funny. gon is like im gonna train to beat hisoka and he shows up to do that and hisokas just there like >;) hey

i think if i had to guess, the zoldycks will show up again (in a plot important way) at the end of the yorknew arc/before the greed island arc. i know basically nothing abt any of the arcs but i do know the order they go in so theres that

i do think illumi will show up earlier than the other zoldycks tho, since he seems to be out doing his own thing more than the rest. also we still really havent resolved the whole mind control thing that im still convinced of 

i think nen will finally be introduced/alluded to heavily in this arc...or like, characters will use nen and gon will be like whoa whats that 

i think killua knows what nen is...maybe? it would make sense since im sure all the zoldycks can use it (at least, we saw mom zoldyck use it, probably)

can killua use nen already? that would be pretty funny. i dont think so tho. maybe u learn nen at a certain age. i have no idea what nen is 

also isnt gons nen power the power to like, turn into a really buff version of himself or something. how the fuck does that work 

ok enough nonsense its bedtime zzzzz

#the rambling continues.... #lj watches hxh #hxh

[wiggly-blue-shite]

Chapter 23 The Bell Doesn’t Dismiss You (Tedgens)

Bill knows all the fucking words to all of the songs too! So we're singing along. Charlotte knows some of the words, but she's mostly humming it. Ted seems to be enjoying the movie in silence, and I can respect that. Paul's the only one not really enjoying it, and I think Emma is going to force him to enjoy it.

I'm currently choosing to ignore that little thought. I'm just a hormonal mess. I'm not like getting overly attached, for something that's only really been a thing for like two days. I'm not like crazy or anything. Just hormones.

"I wasn't jealous before we met

Now every man that I see is a potential threat

And I'm possessive, it isn't nice

You've heard me saying that smoking was my only vice" I'm totally not singing the most sexually charged song of the show at Ted, in a room filled with our close friends. I'm definitely singing it just for me and not subconsciously directing it to anyone.

"But now it isn't true

Now everything is new

And all I've learned has overturned

I beg of you" Man I love this song. Charlotte is full on singing now. It's impossible to hate this song.

"Don't go wasting your emotion

Lay all your love on me" yup not singing to Ted. I'm just enjoying a delightful song for myself.

And now his arm is around my waist. Ok yup I'm definitely not blushing. Yup yup yup.

"It was like shooting a sitting duck

A little small talk, a smile and baby I was stuck

I still don't know what you've done with me

A grown-up woman should never fall so easily" wow this is a great scene yup. Not focusing on how close he is. And how heavy his breathing is.

"I feel a kind of fear

When I don't have you near

Unsatisfied, I skip my pride

I beg you dear" I can feel his fucking breath on my fucking neck. Holy shit. My face feels like it's on fucking fire. BREATH

"Don't go wasting your emotion

Lay all your love on me

Don't go sharing your devotion

Lay all your love on me" Ted's fucking softly humming the tune of the song. Jesus Christ.

"I've had a few little love affairs

They didn't last very long and they've been pretty scarce

I used to think that was sensible

It makes the truth even more incomprehensible" It feels like he's humming it into my ear. He isn't though, right? He would like do that to my extremely hormonal self right? I'm fucking overwhelmed right now.

"'Cause everything is new

And everything is you

And all I've learned has overturned

What can I do" I'm not sure I can get through this fucking song.

"Don't go wasting your emotion

Lay all your love on me" HES FUCKING SINGING JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. How do you breath again? I have just... nope. I'm physically incapable of breathing now. I now understand the term gay panic.

"Don't go sharing your devotion

Lay all your love on me"

Ted leans in and kissed cheek, almost my jaw. I'm not going to start hyperventilating but I might.

Breath

Breath

Breath

Ok and we're back. I rest my head on his shoulder again. This is allowed. We're an item as the kids say, I'm allowed to be attracted to him. Jesus Christ.

Ted rest his head on mine. Wow I love him.

The movie ends. Bill and I insisted on watching all the credits so we could sing along to the credits music.

"Ok it was pretty good." Ted shrugs. Just pretty good! Excuse me????

"I told you!" Bill lightly whacks Ted on the back of his head.

"Yeah yeah yeah whatever." Ted's all defensive. I'll have to ask him about that later.

Everyone starts turning their phones back on. Bill and I made everyone turn off their phones so they can properly enjoy the movie with no outside distractions. It's kind of petty.

"I got to go." Charlotte stands up. She looks really nervous. Well she always looks nervous but right now she looks extra nervous.

"Is everything ok?" Ted looks concerned. I don't understand their relationship. I just know it isn't romantic. But like. I dont know. I'm over thinking things. It's stupid to be jealous of her.

"Do we need to beat someone up for you?" Paul offers. This group is really protective over her. I guess I get it. With the whole Sam thing, he doesn't seem like the most loving boyfriend.

"I'll see you all later." Charlotte is still staring at her phone. She walks over to the door.

"Check in later!" Bill calls after her. Check in? Is that like a thing? Like do friend groups have like regular checking in on each other sessions? I guess that's nice.

"Will do." She closes the door behind her.

"On a similar note, my parents need me home." Bill stands up. He pats Paul and Ted on the shoulder. "Don't have to much fun without me." And he walks to the door.

"We won't." Ted chuckles.

"Henry, Emma, always a pleasure." And he's out the door. Bill's cool. I think I will enjoy having a friend like him.

"And then there were four." Paul does a dumb dramatic voice. Seriously what the fuck is Emma's type?

"You make it sound like we're all going to die." Ted laughs. Wait does Ted understand the reference? I'd be extremely impressed.

"What?" Paul looks confused. I don't think he understands the reference he just made. So Emma is definitely not into him for his brains. I guess he could be cute from certain angles.

"That's from a book Paul" TED DOES KNOW THE REFERENCE. Like I knew Ted was like relatively smart. He doesn't know it just from the movie and play based on the book. He knows the book. I don't know why that's so impressive to me.

"It is? Wow I've just heard my cousin say that." Like seriously, I don't want to judge Emma and what she's into but come on!

"Yeah Paul, And Then There Were None. Agatha Christie ever heard of her?" I don't know why but the way Ted said that makes me laugh. Ted smiles at me. I love-

NO STOP THINKING THAT

"Well I haven't actually." That made Emma laugh.

"Jesus Christ." Ted shakes his head. Ok I love Emma and Paul is ok, but like I don't want to deal with them right now. Does that sound bad? I just want to hang out with Ted. That probably sounds bad.

"Why are you two still here?" Yup that sounds bad. Salvage it somehow, "isn't it like date night for you two or something."

"I can say the same to you, Hidgens." I don't think Emma realizes how little sense that made. Paul's making her dumber.

"Emma I live here." Like I know she knows that.

"Yeah, I know." She sighs, "I meant it's your and Ted's date night."

Ok that makes a little bit more sense.

"Yeah it is actually. Get out." Ted is not holding back. Also he's calling it a date night now? Like a date night. Like that's some serious shit. I think it is at least. I don't know protocol.

"Ok jeez." Emma puts her arms up like defensively. "Come on paul."

Emma walks towards the door.

"Enjoy date night!" I call after them. Emma flips me off as she exits stage right.

"Love you too!" I don't think she heard me but that's fine.

"See you later." Paul waves as Emma drags him along. Ted and I wave back at him.

And we're alone. Finally. Like they're all great but now we can actually have the little "date" thing we agreed on.

"So where were we?" Ted looks over to me.

"What?" Where were we? Should I know what he's referring to? Because I definitely don't.

"Like where were we before the others got here." Ted awkwardly explains. Oh I just ruined his whole little bit.

"Ohhh, I don't think that was as smooth as you imagined it in your head." I laugh a little. He's trying to be all suave and my dumbass just shut that shit down.

"It was not." He smiles and places his forehead against mine. It's like that thing people do in movies! ...wow I really don't know what I'm doing do I? Who need to know what they're doing? Not me apparently.

I kiss him. He smells vaguely of cinnamon. How have I never noticed that before? Because wow. He really is just the dream.

"We should eat." Look at Ted being the responsible one!

"Well what do you want?" I start to pull my phone out, to order something. Ted takes my phone from me.

"No don't spend your money. I'll order it. You're the one who took me in." Ted pulls out his own phone and starts typing. "It's the least I can do."

"No you should save your money." I take his phone out of his hands. We're kind of just keeping each other's phone from each other.

"Well it seems we are at a stand still." Ted inches closer. I know what he's going to try and goddamnit I will probably fall for it!

"It seems so." We're just staring each other down. Ted kisses me. My arms impulsively go around his neck. And he grabs his phone from my hand. Damnit. I knew that was coming.

Ted stands up and quickly moves away from the couch.

"I'm ordering us some Chinese food. What do you want?" He's typing pretty quickly. I stand up and walk towards him. I'm taller than him so I have that to my advantage. He dodges all of my attempts to grab his phone.

"Don't waste your money!" That comes off more whiny than I intended.

"Ok you're getting potstickers" How is he still evading my grasp? He's barely more athletic than me, thank you dance class. "And the order is placed."

Ted stops avoiding me. Damnit he's fucking wasting his money. He's going to fucking need that if he can't rely on his parents.

"Mother fucker." I'm probably just going to skip that money into his bag later. But god damnit he's not going to pay for that shit.

"Yup." Ted wraps his arms around my waist and kisses me. Damnit I Lo-

NO. I just really like him. I'm not moving to fast. I'm moving the normal speed. FUCK YOU HORMONES!

How the fuck does he smell like cinnamon?

#tedgens #the bell doesnt dismiss you #fanfic

[allforthecourtt]

rereading aftg with my dumbass opinions pt. 2 (tfc chapters 6-10)

pt. 1 | pt. 2 | pt. 3

look guys! its the highly unanticipated continuation of my reread of aftg!

chapter 6 (aka. meet this MESS of a team)

“My mother's family is French." It was a lie that probably had his British mother rolling over in her sandy grave.”

neil really never misses an opportunity to remind readers that he fucking buried his mom on the beach huh?

“A liar who practices occasional honesty. Clever. Keeps people guessing. Very effective. I would know. I do it myself, you see. Come on, then. After you.”

have i mentioned how entertaining high andrew is? because he’s funny as hell

also rereading these are fun because Nora is incredible at foreshadowing just sayin

“Neil automatically reached for his seatbelt, but one of the brothers was sitting on it.”

how neil would be in the back of the cousins’ car if they let him:

“You?" Neil said. "You can't." Andrew's smile curved wider. "Ohhh, that sounds like a challenge. Mother may I?" "Your mother's dead. I don't think she cares what you do.”

HO HO HOLY SHIT NEIL

“Starting a fight was too out of character for who he portrayed "Neil” to be, though.”

“Consider this your official invite, you suicidal wretch. I'm bringing you to Columbia with us this Friday.”

awe suicidal wretch... glad they’re starting those pet names early

“I don't drink or dance," Neil said.

andrew: i kno u can

“Kevin doesn't dance anymore”

anymore? ANYMORE??? release the cursed events that led to him not dancing anymore Nora im begging you

“Are you bleeding anywhere?" Matt asked. "Nowhere vital," Neil said.

gskjgnsak god i stan this little asshole so much

“She said it gently, with the hint of a smile on her face, but Neil still felt the rebuke. It was subtler but somehow deadlier”

have i mentioned how gay i am for renee? because im very gay for renee

“Allison looked ready for a photo shoot with perfect platinum curls, spiked heels, and a skintight dress.”

im also gay for allison ngl

“I can move if you want to sit here," Neil said. "No, this is fine." She smiled, but it had a smug edge to it, probably because Seth was glaring at them like he could kill them with willpower alone. ”

lol remember how neil doesn’t think he’s attractive and yet in 0.1 seconds after meeting him allison is like “yes this idiot is hot enough to piss off the other idiot im dating”

“Personal favorite was when someone told the police we were running a meth lab out of the dorm," Dan said sourly. "Police raids are awesome.”

no offence dan but that’s fucking hilarious omg

that’s kind of like the time my residence floor had to get evacuated bc some kids hotboxed their dorm room

god i love uni

“The death threats were creative, though," Nicky said. "Maybe this time they'll follow through and actually kill one of us. Let's vote. I nominate Seth.”

pfffffttttt i love Nicky omg

also hahahahahah foreshadowing!

“It'll be fine," Andrew said. "I promised, didn't I? Don't you believe me?" It took a while, but at last Kevin visibly relaxed. ”

again this is why i thought they were fucking for like the better part of the first two books

“The dead look Kevin turned on Andrew today was the same look Neil saw in his reflection. When Neil stopped acting, when he stopped worrying about who was watching, when he let go of the lies that kept him alive, that was the only expression he could make.”

it’s fine i didnt need a heart anyways

this kid is 18 hes A BABY

the first time i read this i was 18 too and like jfc i was a BABY at 18 and so i neil

“One of us has to make it, Mom." It wasn't going to be Neil. It was obvious he was too stupid to survive without his mother if he let himself get into messes like this. But maybe Kevin could do it.”

sorry let me just wipe my TEARS off my fucking laptop neil honey what the fuck

“He felt distant as he watched them walk in. Maybe he was already dying, his stupid soul fading from his short body in preparation for a brutal end.”

neil we get it you have depression (me too bitch u aint special)

“Fuck running," Seth said.

now that’s a whole ass mood

“he didn't know how Renee could smile so warmly when she was speaking to Andrew.”

haha bitch just wait

“when he slept, he dreamed of his father waiting for him on the Foxhole Court.”

remember how at the end of the series his father is waiting on the court but neil wins??? god we love good storytelling

this is such a fucking wild chapter

could you imagine? coming back from the summer and your first introduction to this amateur from arizona is this neil josten level of sass? because i’d probably kill him

first years are bad enough but first years who dont care about other people’s opinions? the fucking worst

chapter 7 (aka. neil does NOT have a fun night out)

“It seemed Allison and Seth didn't believe in middle ground: either they were slinging vile insults at each other or they were making out in the locker room regardless of whoever might be around.”

that’s just how the straights are

“It reminded Neil a little of Allison and Seth, except without the desperate sexual undertones.”

i’ll just leave this gem of a line here

“His teammates held so little regard for him he didn't even have the dubious honor of being dead last.”

neil shading himself is actually hilarious how relatable

“Neil watched him do it, trying to remember the last time someone gave him a gift and coming up blank. That his first one should be from Andrew was unsettling.”

i actually love the fact that andrew bought him clothes so early on like andrew your gay is showing

“Neil debated how much damage the thick heels of his new boots would do against Andrew's face and liked what his mind came up with.”

i thank god everyday that these books are neil’s pov

“Andrew gave Neil another slow once-over and let go. "We're going.”

^andrew seeing neil w/o contacts (aka. the ‘i can’t think straight’ vine)

“Most of the men wore leather, half the women had corsets, and a good number of both genders were covered in buckles and chains.”

this... is a... gay bar

“Andrew saluted the bouncers on his way by and led the way into the club, bypassing the line entirely.”

i always forget the drinking age in the us is 21 but like this bar really dont care about their liquor license AT ALL lmao

“You think Kevin would risk his future over a night out at the club?" "What future?" Neil asked.”

WOW NEIL WAY TO BE A BITCH

“Neil hadn't seen Aaron get up, but he was waiting behind Neil when Andrew let go. Neil reached for Andrew with lethal intent, but Aaron grabbed the back of his chair and pulled hard enough to topple it over.”

why are the twins literally this gif:

real talk nicky kissing neil like that is horrible and really reflects poorly on nicky as a character

andrew for this entire chapter:

chapter 8 (aka. a hitchhiker’s guide to lying about your identity)

“I don't know how your conversation with Andrew went, but it didn't end well. Rumor has it you paid a busboy a hundred bucks to knock you out. Way to cut our night short.”

this is probably my favourite thing neil does in the entire series ngl

“Wymack grabbed his elbow and hauled him inside. He slowed just long enough to slam the door behind Neil. "Are you stupid or just crazy? Do you have any idea what could have happened to you between here and there? What were you thinking?”

Why does Wymack literally sound like my father?

foxes: daddy?

wymack: DO I LOOK LIKE

follow up:

kevin: daddy?

wymack: uh yeah

“I don't know what the beef is between you two, but it ends here and now.”

Wymack @ neil: tell your boyfriend, if he says he’s got beef that your a vegetarian and your not fucking scared of him

“Then correct me." "Give me a reason." "Besides the obvious?" Andrew said. "If I can't get an answer from you, I'll get it wherever I can.”

andrew:

“I'm—" Neil didn't want to say it, but the word was already there, broken and pathetic between them, "—nothing. I'll always have and be nothing.”

“He wondered for a moment if Andrew could handle the entire truth so calmly, but that was too dangerous and stupid to consider.”

“Hope was a dangerous, disquieting thing, but he thought perhaps he liked it.”

this is such a good fucking line like i am shooketh

chapter 9 (aka. neil is, like, really horny for exy)

“Are you stupid?" Seth asked. "Yeah," Neil said.”

what a fuckin MOOD

“Neil had almost forgotten why he liked Exy so much. He did his best at practices but these days he worked mostly to keep his teammates off his back. As Neil surveyed Kevin's damage, he finally felt inspired again. On its heels was a hungry, desperate rush.”

“Seth made as if to throw his beer at Neil. "His life is not more important than mine just because he's more talented.”

sometimes i really wish seth was actually given a chance to have some character development

“ "Maybe you're not as stupid as I thought." "Maybe I am," Neil said”

another big fucking MOOD

chapter 10 (aka. shocking: university is hard :/ )

“It's fun telling Kevin no," Andrew said with a wicked grin.”

why is andrew like this omg

betsy probably was like just looking for a chill job and was like “oh cool uni students? ill have to deal with like a lot of anxiety, sexual tension, depression and like confusion about the future, not to bad” but NOPE welcome to the fucking MAFIA WARS

“That wasn't so bad, was it? Andrew was convinced it would be a disaster. He put money on you hating Betsy." "Did you bet against him?" "Yes," Renee said. "It was a private bet between the two of us.”

“I hope you didn't lose much," Neil said.”

god why is he such an asshole at every opportunity i love him

“I can take care of myself," Neil said. "Watch me beam with pride.”

wymack is the best father in the world and you cant convince me otherwise

“There was one for every fall team with schedules printed on each. Neil kept the Exy one, tossed the rest into the trash, and buried his magnet deep in his pocket where he didn't have to look at the dates.”

neil “i only care about exy” josten strikes again with his great school spirit

“Palmetto State was facing Edgar Allan on Friday, October 13th”

that’s such a cliche and i love it

“He detoured around students toward one of Palmetto State's three dining halls. Two were for the general student body. The third was for athletes only”

lmao my school literally has one dining hall and it couldnt give less of a fuck what type of student they’re selling food too as long as they’ll pay $15 for chicken fingers

what kind of money does palmetto state fuckin have

like i get us tuition is a lot but jesus so’s mine and my school couldn’t be less fucked

“It was only the first day of school and he already had three assignments: a short paper, a fifty-page chapter to read, and a page of questions about said chapter. Neil debated for a minute as to which one sounded least painful. Five minutes later he was still uninspired, so he put his head down on his desk.”

1. MOOD

2. first years are so cute thinking that’s a lot of assignments i remember in first year being like “i have to read 40 pages thats so unfair :(” and now i’m like “ah sick only 200 pgs of readings this week? im gonna have so much free time!”

upper year history sucks ngl

“I'm fine," Neil said.”

neil knows exactly two (2) words and those are it

“You say that an awful lot," Matt said. "I'm starting to think you don't know what it means.”

overall thoughts:

the plot is pickinnnng upppp

i kind of forget how much world building happens in the first book but like its good

also i love neil literally hating everyone its so funny bc like bby these going to be your best friends just wait

anyways that’s all for now

part 3 will be the rest of tfc and then we’ll move onto trk if you guys still want more of this? let me know

love u all bye

#rereading aftg

[theskyexists]

watching bladerunner 2049

great environmentally destroyed earth there

i believe that the blatant humanity of AI in this film - as well as their blatant ability to love and feel empathy (a huge divergence from the book) while still being treated as inferior and disposable objects is a comment on how we do that to Other humans without blinking.

though also, they can project a hologram, then solidify the hologram - but they can’t clean up the damn atmosphere? like really. I guess that can only be explained by an elite trying to stay on top by keeping capital firmly in their own hands. i was looking at those solar farms and just going....how is that bringing in any energy in this dust?

also the problem i have with Ryan Gosling as this lead dude who’s in love with his adjustable AI hologram is that i never buy him as capable of love in that way. ever. at all. (so possibly it’s the right choice? anyway this whole thing is creepy)

yeah it’s supposed to be like: lol this was just a fantasy

‘a sentimental skin job’ - evidence of funerary practice, of altruistic behaviour (of grief, of empathy?) he says sorry even though by society’s standards the robot’s owed no courtesy? then he thinks the dude ate the baby - like thats not more insulting

so what separates robots from humans is not - eating food, drinking liquor, getting hurt, feeling empathy - but the ability to reproduce??? (but doesnt he need to sleep?)

the argument really is that being born = having a soul? lol thats a crazy wall to build a society on but there’s been stupider and more arbitrary ones. again, maybe that’s the point

a LOT of product placement in this.

it keeps to the same formula though. an investigator who is forced to forego his own empathy to ‘do the job’. Meeting with the local robot company, meeting the secretary in charge made to appeal. etc. etc. i think that’s pretty cool.

this building is very pharaoic. great set

eyyy a reference to the book. a lil origami sheep (got what he wanted)

im getting the impression from this film that ‘androids’ haven’t got a metal thing in their body and they’re just clones. which honestly i also got that sense from the book so that makes sense

ah so the android was based on himself (he looks ryan gosling like? or can i not distinguish white guys?). and this one is based on the K’s configuration of Joi.

Naturally the android to be ‘inspected’ is a woman who gets to be naked and weak and shit.

‘Every leap of civilisation was built off the back of a disposable workforce’ - great. (the film does a good job being like: hm yeah but the world is shit now so how is that leap so super ?)

Yikes i mean uh i know it’s like a commentary on disposable bodies and people as chattel and women as ‘reproducers’ but they’re portraying him and all his  fuckin self-important self-righteous power-hungry megalomaniac rich bitch speeches as a fuckin sermon worth listening to

and if they don’t take him down in this film i will be mad.

and also i wanted to stab his eyes out the moment he put his hand on her belly but unfortunately i get the sense he’s going to stab HER

but well they’re still sticking with the book formula which is still clever, the Investigator being in love with some AI and then having to kill the android that looks just like her because the company doesn’t keep to the law and shit

- i hope they push just a lil bit different since they’ve clearly established the main premise of the book is the opposite in this film - androids DO have empathy, they DO dream of electric sheep (in this case, electric Joi)

I sure hope ‘Luv’ gets to murder Wallace for what he does to this baby android.

I know he’s a rapist capitalist sadist god complex creepbitch but goddamn i sure hope that the movie MEANT for that reading or i will be mad.

he literally did nothing but creep on a CHILD android and then murder her FOR NOTHING. wow. i’ve never wanted androids to take over and kill a human so badly before. This sure is the opposite of Terminator.

i liked mackenzie davis’ performance here.

‘am i the only one who can see the fuckin sunrise, here?’ uhhhh why are you shouting at the android? like, where the fuck are your human officers and bosses? i love how apparently a police boss can just drink on the job? bc sci fi noir. not that ryan gosling manages that. i JUST noticed that she has bare legs, and now they cut to putting them on display. this is going to end badly (im feeling like there’s going to be some sort of sexual power abuse. edit: she was testing his humanity and he deliberately failed teh test to stop her interest in him)

why the fuck would they implant that memory. (but he thinks that it might be real) (but then how would he have ended up there at the police station)

theres a lot of rain in this world

we now move onto the marginal humans that live in the waste, discarded. and how they destroyed without blinking by a marginal android operating on the orders of the richest man alive.

i have to say that watching this movie makes me so happy about trees and blue skies

the marginal children - processing the waste - sick, abused, enslaved.... here all white...supervisor...black. interesting choice. (all this suffering for ‘civilisation’ - the nickel for the colony ships - this is a lot more spicy than the book - a lot more realistic about who suffers and dies for that kind of thing)

starts to seem like he really is the kid - these ‘orphanage’ stairs look a lot like that memory

Gosling is great for this role bc he doesn’t really have to move his face. but god the pace of this film is so SLOW! had to skip a bit of his slow shuffle to the horse man. ‘ohhh i was a real child, from loving parents, oh no i killed my dad! after killing my mum through childbirth! fuck! im the child that im hunting! oh shit! hey i have a soul!’

you’re special because actually you had agency all along and you’ve been using it to murder people wink

i dont understand the AI bit in this. don’t understand why they would hide him with so much care that he’d know nothing about who he was and kill his dad. like. surely that wasn’t the idea. also if the AI is Wallace’s why can’t Luv hack it. also i really kind of dislike her male fantasy self.

I like this Doctor. she is very very sweet and lovely. i dont really know why nobody would come visit her.

so we can read memories, implant memories, project memories not photo realistically ACTUALLY realistically, we can construct memories from the imagination but we can’t -  i repeat - we can’t clean the damn atmosphere?? i mean yes yes yes this is... a perfect example of how capitalism will not necessarily put money into tech that is you know - a good idea for us all collectively but rather into something that can be sold but god DAMN

manipulation eyyyy. already exercising his freedom of mind

really. an android selling sex to an android??? what the fuck lol. it’s a clone implanted with fake memories selling sex to a clone. yeah yeah yeah society has deemed them inhuman purely because they were built but THE POINT IS THEY are human in literally every other sense and controls them through law and brain make-up and then eliminating everybody who grows their brains from baseline? (why are they even paid?? is that supposed to be pavlovian?)

i really don’t understand what this AI is about. i just can’t get over that this really doesn’t seem like a love story

he almost died and then this AI springs sex on him lol. i really. i just really don’t care for this story and that’s possibly because Ryan Gosling is just so fuckin bad at selling any kind of love story like his eyes are always SO DEAD

oh my god im only halfway. oh my god. THIS FILM IS ALMOST THREE HOURS LONG. jfc

this is such an extremely male fantasy it bores me to death. im  a dude who’s badass, powerful, controlled, SPECIAL, also told im special by my very humany AI gf who i installed exactly to my tastes, she desperately wants to have sex with me FOR ME because im just so cool and wonderful despite being so tortured and possessing eyes like a dead fish. 

let’s spend 20 mins on undressing another two women in this film as we, the viewers, and i, the male protagonist just stand and watch. let’s re-emphasise how she’s just a self-learning ai

there’s light? warm light?

and then they have the women fight each other ? cool cool cool. im not saying it’s not realistic, im just saying it’s boring. i thought Mackenzi was going to proposition K for the resistance

still not sure why Luv hasn’t hacked her already. first time the romance feels slightly real

I guess Luv is indoctrinated. i still like police boss don’t hurt her. i mean obv she’s terrible but so is everybody else. she cried...again. so she kills from anger - not because she had to. she kills her the same way Wallace killed the android. i’d love to read a lil analysis about this. later. women-on-women violence

oh she really DID know where he was but kept it from Luv. why? was she willing to die for him? no. her dignity? maybe. The women in this are mysteries. also why is he still allowed to use the car and drone when he’s suspended. that’s pretty fuckin stupid.

hmm giant statues of naked women WITH heels on posed sexily and unthreateningly. im just saying. this is all super psychoanalysis galaxy brain.

gasp there is a real live bee. thats a book call back

and a classic perfectly intact building

HALF OF THIS FILM IS JUST RYAN GOSLING SHUFFLING THROUGH STRIKING LANDSCAPES AND SETS FROWNING JUST SLIGHTLY

it’s got the opposite problem of the book: it is SLOW AS FUCK

how does he know what a piano is

wow K’s really good at de-escalating. why not just be honest. so he got shot, blown up and then? still fine walking. lol they just gotta show off that he’s still a bladerunner! (where the fuck did that name come from...)

here you’re bleeding in your face. ok? he’s also bleeding from the shotwound maybe? that was definitely implied that he got shot.

and K’s also really bad at asking questions lol. thats because all he ever did was shoot people. anyway this is boring again, these two fighting about nothing - some kind of testerony bullshit about zero stakes - but apparently just screaming at the man will help

also im not sure why he assumed Deckard was the father.

harrison ford delivered that well.

‘to strangers’ i fuckin hate ryan gosling i don’t know if its because hes a bad actor or because his interpretation is so shit

so Deckard left, Rachel died in childbirth (really? lol. god do i want to fuckin consume a woman’s story about goddamn dying in childbirth) and Sapper left him at the orphanage? but how the fuck did he then get slotted into police service all official like??? doesnt make sense except Mackenzie’s network’s got something to do with it

ok so it was implied but now confirmed taht androids come with enhancements

oh nooooo she kills his love :( awww. i can’t feel for him at all lol

but she almost kills the kid she so badly wanted to find

i wonder why she’s so sadistic. probably because she learned from wallace. but all the womb - woman - beautifying - controlled by man - in fear of him - in thrall of him - killing other women again and again sadistically while killing men coldly is uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i just dont care for it you know

also this AI woman turned out to have NO role in the movie except to lavish attention on this dude (make him seem capable of love except ryan gosling can’t move his face) and then be fridged lol

so why does she let him live? fuckin bullshit

look, i like the aesthetic and the world but god the director is wayy too in love with it - SPEED THIS SHIT UP

so actually - if Rachel died in childbirth how is she holding the baby in the pic

“That baby meant that we are more than just slaves”

This could be really cool - like - taking back the means of reproduction!!! This is how we will become a PEOPLE. Freedom through female fertility as a symbol. But because uhhhhh this is all a Male Fantasy it feels decidedly icky and not like that at all. Like, why did they make the kid male? That...makes no sense? if Rachel was the only one who could bear children bc of her ...genes? Why the fuck would you centre the story on somebody who cannot take up that legacy, cannot be that symbol? It’s totally weird

OHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH!!!!! ok lol.

he thought he was the kid but the girl is....but uh then why was there an exact copy. as a red herring? THEN HOW DID HE GET from the orphanage to the fuckin police???

Is Luv supposed to be the girl though? because they keep killing all the female characters so it’s like, uhuh. it’s not mackenzie bc like thatd be silly huh. i mean it would be stupid but they could pull that

if they think he can get at deckard, why not get him to shoot wallace

how did he get a fuckin police car lololololol

ah these super high tech hoovercars have zero defenses against ???  what is he even shooting at them?

Luv’s actress does something very interesting to her voice when she gets emotional or shouts orders - kind of monstrous and inhuman

well he certainly hit them perfectly

WHERE DID HE GET THE POLICE CAR?

“I’m the best one” yeah - i.e. so I cannot be killed by my master as he’s made me do to so many

why do they always INSIST on men killing women by choke. don’t be so fucking stupid. if she can push his head under water she can punch his lights out. SHE LITERALLY JUST HAD A KNIFE - SHE COULD HAVE STABBED HIM IN THE EYE

why would she waste air grunting. she doesn’t even fake him out. i know they’re human so thats counter-instinctual but like, she’s supposed to be an incredible fighter. it’s the same thing with how they have her do all these kicks and he stays standing because women = agility, men = endurance, and then he punches her once and she goes flying. THEY”RE ANDROIDS HARRY. WHY WOULD YOU BUILD GENDER BULLSHIT IN???

so how many women did we see die extremely explicitly and/or aesthetically and/or plot/significantly so far? raechal (childbirth), the android baby (one cut to the womb), the police boss (one cut to the womb), AI girl (one crunch), Luv (one shot and one strangle-drown).

Ryan Gosling can get shot, blown up, killer punched 7 times, get blown up again, have his lung get perforated by schrapnel, be kicked to shit 5 times. he gets a bandage on his nose and takes it off again so thats a total reset apparently. He’s then shot again, kicked to shit again, sliced in the hand, stabbed in a place thats clearly deadly, half drowned - and he STILL KILLS THIS ANDROID WOMAN. HE STILL KILLS THE BEST WALLACE HAS EVER MADE.

WHAT?!!??!?!!

the men get shot from a distance, bombed from a distance, shot from a distance.

im sorry but this sucks.

and then ryan gosling swims all the way to land.

lol why does this script try to convince me that in this advanced fuckin tech society they wouldn’t be able to check for Deckard’s body??? and then he brings him to a place that’s monitored??

oh right the Doctor was the daughter. so.....they lied about her auto-immune disease? she knew that she had given him her memory? why did they do that? im still not clear on that???

how tf and whytf would they send the girl to the orphanage and let her get beat up by some boys, and only then send her to some perfect chamber

ryan gosling always plays such emotionally constipated characters - they never wanna have anything good

THAT’S IT!?!! they’re not going to explain shit?? they’re implying K just died?? leaving Deckard to get picked up by police and Wallace to find the Doctor and and THEY DIDN’T EVEN KILL CREEP EXTROARDINAIRE FUCKING WALLACE???

All they did was kill the abused slave by fucking choke?????

#anyway this was one of the worst movies i ever saw it's literally just cool tech and cool sets and shit acting and sexism #my stuff #vidi

[the-fiction-witch]

Share

 REAL LIFE: COUPLE: TBS X READER RATING: SMUT

MENTIONS OF DRUG USE

Y/N POV:

I dug under my bed looking for my little box I found it opening it up WHAT! its empty! it only filled this up like yesterday so I rush out into my flat 

“LILLY? did you by any chance borrow some of my stash?” I ask her very annoyed

“what? Oh yeah me and luke had a little to make brownies for the party” she explains

“Ugh! buy your dam own”  I yell grabbing my jacket and my purse leaving the flat going down the stairs calling up ace “hey ace, look lilly stole my stuff again where are you?” I ask him

“sorry Y/n fresh out, not got anymore coming in for a week” he explains

“really? fine, anyone else who might have some?” i ask

“well go see thomas he had a shit tone yesterday when i saw him” he tells me

“cheers” I sigh hanging up and rushing back up the stairs all the way to the top floor of the block of flats and knocking on thomas’ door but nothing “THOMAS! OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR I KNOW YOUR THERE” I yell

“Bugger off Y/n” he yells back

“Open the door thomas” I sigh

“why? what do you want?” he asks

“just to chat” I lie

“fuck off y/n i’m not got any” he sighs as I heard him unlock the door so I quickly go inside locking the door behind me

“Bull shit thomas, ace said he saw you had a tone yesterday” I sigh going into his living room where he now sat on the sofa 

“I did, I sold Jack some“ he sighs

“no jack doesn’t smoke anymore, plus you dont sell I know you” I sigh

“I did I sold jack some said he was seeing some girl and wanted some, I made the rest into cookies” He explains

“then can I have a cookie” I ask

“I ate them” he laughs

“you made cookies out your whole stash and then ate all off them?” I ask 

“yep” he sighs

“you’d be off your head if you had dont lie to me” I sigh sitting on his sofa with him “Please thomas, Lilly and her boyfriend stole all mine, then make it into brownies which I can assume as I know what she’s like they had one then threw the rest away” I sigh

“then thats your problem” he sighs so I just moved slightly and kicked his coffee table making everything fall out the little secret compartment 

“you fucking liar” I laugh trying to grab it but he got there first 

“fine I have some, but your not having any” he tells me

“why not?” I ask

“get your own” he tells me

“I did then Lilly stole it, Please thomas just one, please” I beg “Im desperate” I beg

“Ugh…fine, money on the table I’ll roll you one” he says beging to roll

“Ohhh…uhhh I dont have any money” I tell him

“then none for you” he laughs

“Oh thomas come on, I dont get paid till next week, Lilly short me on her half of the rent and I had to pay to get my car fixed” I complain

“fine, you owe me it then the day you get paid” he sighs

“I can’t, I’ve got more rent to pay, and food shopping to do, and I need new clothes…”I begin

“well then you cant have it, how many times have we been though this y/n you cant pay me you dont get any” he sighs 

“Oh thomas come on share you frigid bastard!” I yell trying to grab it

“fine, we can share it, but you still owe me” he sighs lighting it up having a smoke off it and collapsing against his sofa blowing the smoke into the air and handing it to me 

“how much?” i ask

“about thirty quid” He sighs 

“fine, eventually” i sigh smoking it and laying back on the sofa too handing it back to him as I blew out the smoke 

“I wont let you forget about it” he laughs “Like last time” he smirked

“Oh shut up that was once” I laugh as he handed it back to me “and it was years ago” I laugh

“I know” he smirks at me….

“Come on one more” i giggle bouncing up and down in thomas’ car we had gone out partying I wasn’t even sure what the day was I think it’s Wednesday? maybe?  dont know, the car was sat up the back of a 24 hour Morrisons car park

“y/n we’ve had four already” he laughs at me “you want another one, we have to open mine” he laughs

“then do it” I giggle lightly hitting him 

“but then you owe me y/n” he smirked at me 

“What I gave you shares on my stash” I sigh

“so what I charge you bloody know that” he laughs at me “you want shares or not?” he asked

“fine” I sigh getting my purse as he rolled but my purse was empty all I had was a Mc-Donalds voucher as he finished rolling “you roll like shit” I laugh

“fuck you, I roll better then you” he laughs “come on cash on the dashboard” he smirks 

“I’m skint, I have free food though” I say putting the voucher on the dashboard

“fuck yeah I am hungry, okay fine, you still owe me twenty though” he laughs “I’ll pay for food when we finish this” he smirks

“TWENTY!” I yell

“shhh! yeah this shit is premium grade” he smirks

“you know ace just puts it in a different bag it’s no different” I laugh

“it is, its better, no money that means no smoke for you” he laughs clearing the excises on his car away and bag in the little bag

“come on thomas please “I beg

“y/n you’ve had four I have no sympathy for ya” he laughs

“but I’m not high enough tommy, I wanna touch the stars” I giggle resting my head on his shoulder 

“then find a way to pay me” he laughs “SHIT!” he quietly yells hiding everything we had away as a police officer just pulled in not to far away from us “we are fucked…” he sighs

“why…it’s not like the car smells of it” i giggle

“yeah but your off your fucking face! and your not hiding it well” he says as we saw the police officer get out his car leaning on the door so I quickly moved my head from his shoulder resting my head on his thigh slightly moving my head every now and again “what are you doing?” he asks

“pretending to suck you off” I giggle

“why?” he asks still keeping and eye on the police officer

“thomas we are sat in a store car park at 3 am there is only two reasons as far as he thinks a boy and girl in a car would be here, A to get high, B to have car sex and as you clearly dont want him to think we are doing A because…well we are, might as well make him think we are here for B” I explain

“how are so so high and still so smart?” he asks

“tolerance thomas” I laugh “at least play a fucking long” I sigh

“right sorry” he laughs as I move my head more pretending I’m sucking him off and I can tells he’s pretending I am too not doing to bad actually I could tell he was imagining a lot as his cock grew in his jeans and I couldn’t help but smirk at him “he’s gone” he sighs in refile but I didn’t move I just giggle undoing his jeans “what are you doing?” he asks in panic

“all that gave me an idea” I giggle sitting up and kissing his neck a little “how far would I have to get you to clear my debts?” I giggle 

“depends how good you are” he smirked so I giggle  getting his cock out his pants taking all of him in my mouth and sucking hard “Uhhh Fuck! yeah yeah your good” he groans his head rolling back against the seat as I continued him moaning and screaming like crazy until he came and I swallowed licking him clean and putting his now soft cock back in his pants and smirking as I sat back up and he got the smoke back out and lit it up smoking some off it and handing it to me

“thanks thomas” I smirk leaning back in my seat having a smoke of it and handing it back to him “come on hurry Up…I’m hungry too, I want nuggets” I giggle “and you can buy me a drink because my mouth tastes like you now” i sigh

“deal” he laughs handing it back to me…

“was I the only one you ever did that for?” he asks as I hand it back to him

“yeah why?” I ask

“just curious, if you went around sucking off every guy for shares” he smirked

“nope just you, and one girl once in college” I laugh

“really?” he laughs giving it back to me “who?” he asks

“veronica leni” I laugh smoking

“Veronica….she was queen of pay with for weed with sex” he laughs

“yep…good girl, small boobs” I laugh

“tiny boobs, she was like a minus A cup” he laughs as I give it back to him

“why did you sleep with her?” I ask

“No…I dont think I did, unless I was off my face when I did it, cause I dont remember I did” he laughs as he smokes

“you where off your whole body when i sucked you off tommy, you didn’t forget that” i laugh taking it back form him and smoking a little more myself

“yeah well, you dont tend to forget the day a police officer shows up when your high, and similarity you don tend to forget the day you best mate sucks your dick in your car” he laughs

“thomas?” i ask 

“yeah?” he asks

“is sucking your dick still a method of payment you accept?” I ask

“I would count dick sucking among the payment options…for you” he smirks

“for me?” I smirk

“yeah, well clearly, when Dylan owes me he does not have that option neither does Jack” he laughs

“what about other girls?” I ask

“not many girls come to me wanting any” he laughs “only you, sometimes Lilly and sometimes Issy” he explains

“do Lilly and issy have that payment option” I giggle

“nope, Lilly doesn’t because…she kinda creeps me out when she’s sober she came around yesterday asking for some, and Issy doesn’t visit often mostly just to show off her new boyfriend anyway” he sighs

“aww poor tommy” I giggle giving him a cuddle as he finishes off the smoke and puts it out “question?” I ask

“go on?” he laughs

“if sucking you off settles my debts? would letting you fuck me mean you owe me some?” I smirk

“I think so why?” he asks so I smirk sitting on his lap and kissing him hard “Okay okay…lets get to bed then” he smirks lifting me up with him and carrying me to his bedroom with us still kissing….

I laid in thomas’ bed both of us naked under the bed sheet both of us smoking “Pleasure doing business with you thomas” I smirk as I smoke

“like wise darling” he smirks back at me “same time next week?” he smirks turning to face me

“yep” I smirk giving him a little kiss but he held my face deepening our kiss till I pull away getting up and getting my clothes on “see ya” I smile giving him another kiss grabbing my smoke and going off back to my flat 

“where were you?” Lilly asked

“somewhere” I smirk

“I can smell it on you where did you get more? ace is sold out, and your skint” she asks

“as your being so dam nosy thomas let me share his okay” I laugh

“thomas doesn’t let anyone share, he makes everyone pay how did you…” she then looks me up and down I can tell she sees the hickey’s on my neck and the very obvious smell of sex on my clothes “YOU SLEPT WITH HIM DIDN’T YOU!” she yells 

“why do you care?” I ask

“cause I need to know these things, you get caught it comes back to the house and to me you know” she yells

“Your just mad you didn’t think off it” I sigh “your just mad If I smoke with him you cant steal it!” I yell

“Ohh fuck off, the only reason you went up there was to try and get a smoke off him” she yells

“so! he knows that! I know that whats the problem?” I ask

“the fact your fucking him for drugs” she yells

“like you dont do that with luke” I sigh

“No I love luke” she says back

“yeah and I…Uh…I dont know how I feel about thomas all I know is he has weed and a fucking good cock so you know what fuck it I’m having both” I smirk grabbing my stuff out my room going out the flat going down the the take away at the bottom of the flats and getting a tone off food and going all the way up knocking on thomas’ door

“knowone home” he yells

“It’s me you idiot let me in” i laugh and he opens the door a bit confused still half naked 

“has it already been a week?” he asked

“no it’s been a hour thomas” I laugh

“Ohh….okay?” he says back

“I kinda lost it at Lilly, can I stay with you?” I ask

“and how would you be paying for rent, water, heat exceptera for you staying here?” he asks

“I brought take out” I smile 

“okay, thats maybe one hour” he laughs

“Uhh I will uhhhh….do your laundry?” I ofer

“your at 24 hours” he shurgs

“when I get paid I’ll go half with you on a bag of premium” I offer

“thats about four days” he shrugs

“Uhh you can fuck me as much as you want? and I’ll suck you off as much as you want?” I offer

“so what like a girlfriend?” he asks and I smirk and nod “your up to the foreseeable future” he laughs “come on” he smirks opening the door more for me

#tbs #tbs smut #tbs imagine #tbs imagines #tbs spy #thomas sangster #thomasbrodiesangster #sangster #thomas brodie sangster #tommy sangster #thomas sangster imagine #thomas sangster smut #thomas brodie sangster smut #sangster smut #thomaa sangster smut #thomas brodie sangster imagine #thomas broide sangster imagine #sangster imagine #sangster imagines #drugs

[sadrien]

wanna chat? pt.21

on ao3 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21

yo whats up. before we start, a few things:

yes, adrien and nino’s kiss was before dark cupidyes, adrien knows that him and marinette kissed during dark cupid. marinette told him in ch15even if it wasn’t i doubt adrien would count dark cupid as his first kiss, seeing that he doesn’t remember it

now that thats done, warning for discussions of like...murder in this chapter? they dont actually kill anyone but theyre just like...casually discussing how you would kill someone with x or y. its mostly just ridiculous but there are a few parts that could be considered kind of gross so, tread carefully if needed. (conversation creds to @agrestenoir​, @breeeliss​, @reyxa​ and a few cameos from @chassecroise​ because i basically stole that wild ride of a conversation we were on)

enjoy?

11:24

nino: im pretty sure chat noir was just flirting with me

ladybugfan2020: get it boy would u break up with me for chat?

nino: … yeah probably

ladybugfan2020: cool same

nino: im glad were on the same page

23:57

mari: Im gonna go murder myself in a bowl of whipped cream. Bye

nino: how

ladybugfan2020: are u gonna drown in whipped cream because that would be the best death tbh

nino: i dont think its murder if you kill yourself

ladybugfan2020: i would get a sibling to do it

mari: Bad news alya

ladybugfan2020: or like……………….a hitman hire a hitman to kill you with a bowl of whipped cream

nino: yo since youre dead you dont have to pay them

mari: I dont think thats how that works

adrien: What did I just walk into??

nino: YO HITMAN HIT ME UP WITH SOME MORE WHIPPED CREAM

ladybugfan2020: how would u kno how it works mari?

mari: Hey adrien Just murdering myself with a bowl of whipped cream

adrien: Not possible

ladybugfan2020: um??? says who

adrien: Prove to me you can die by whipped cream Draw me a diagram

nino: if i had to choose a topping to die by id choose hot fudge probably

mari: Ooo

adrien: If you got a tub of whipped cream And like Just hit a person with it With like…the tub That might Kill you I guess?

nino: bruh

ladybugfan2020: but wouldnt u rather choke on whipped cream

adrien: That’s harder? Like you’d have to get it into their mouth

mari: If anyone says anything about kinks I will leave this groupcaht and terminate all friendships

nino: fucking chri st

alya: IM

adrien: Wait wait Ignore mari and her gutter mind

mari: HEY

adrien: Tell me How to kill a person with whipped cream

nino: why? you got someone you want dead? there are easier ways my dude

adrien: Indulge me

ladybugfan2020: k heres the plan u knock them out with the tub of whipped cream theyr not dead but theyr momentarily unconscious then u stuff a bunch of whipped cream in their mouth and up their nose and when they regain consciousness they choke on the whipped cream and die

adrien: Ok Ok so You take the can And beat them over the head Until unconscious

ladybugfan2020: yes

adrien: BUT You fill their nostrils

nino: apparently

adrien: With whipped cream And their mouths

ladybugfan2020: uh huh

adrien: Let it dry Until they slowly

ladybufan2020: dry??????????

adrien: Just suffocate

nino: no no put them in a freezer let the cream freeze

mari: This is not where I was expecting this conversation to go Wait what????

ladybug2020: no u wait until they regain consciousness does whipped cream dry @mari do u have whipped cream we can test stuff with

mari: Why go through all this trouble when you can just snap someones necK?

nino: put them in th e freezer so the whipped cream freezes and retains its shape

ladybugfan2020: because death by whipped cream is the best way to go

nino: itd be like shoving a throat shaped mold down their throat and they cant breath e around it and they die

ladybugfan2020: y would u do that

adrien: No man

mari: What the fukc

adrien: You’d have to like

nino: ok look you cant breathe around a block of cream in your mouth and nostrils eventually youll pass out from lack of oxygen

ladybugfan2020: ye thats teh point of putting whipped cream in their mouths

mari: But then is it death by whipped cream or just suffocation

adrien: No that’s my point

nino: so freezing it would work the best

adrien: …. Wait

ladybugfan2020: the WHIPPED CREAM is doing the suffocation

adrien: It IS death Wait No

ladybugfan2020: so it IS death by whipped cream

adrien: It’s death by whipped cream The whipped cream Caused it …. Hm

nino: yes

ladybugfan2020: ok but y does that working best matter either way

mari: Mmmm now Im thinking about death by chocolate

ladybugfan2020: they die and its death by whipped cream

adrien: Death by chocolate is more complicated

nino: if you take melted chocolate and insert it into your veins

adrien: You can’t beat someone with a Hershey’s bar

ladybug2020: putting them in the freezer would just be extra @ the freezing the whipped cream

nino: you can poison yourself

adrien: I don’t know I think chocolate is too thick for that

ladybugfan2020: about the beating what about this giant ass ones u can buy online for lots of money i dont have adrien might have to provide the murder weapon for this one

mari: I meant death by chocolate cakes adn stuff but ok Good job team

adrien: Oh

nino: the meter and a half chocolate bar al?

adrien: Just buy like… 10000 chocolate cakes

ladybugfan2020: hell yeah nino

nino: i mean… you can shove cake up their nose?  

adrien: Get a pick up truck

mari: Where the actual fuck is this going

adrien: And then just All at once

ladybug2020: nah nah you could do it the same way as the whipped cream

adrien: Drop the cakes on the person All at once

nino: run them over

adrien: Until they die NO That’s not death by chocolate cake That’s death by getting hit with a truck

mari: Alya whatare you even talkling about

ladybufan2020: u put the cake in their mouth after u knock them cold

adrien: Alya what the hell

nino: put cake over their eyes

adrien: Stop knocking them out!

mari: Why is cake on eyes????

nino: so they can pay the boat man and cross the river styx

mari: Youre spending too much time with Adrien

nino: or just throw them in the freezer

mari: Can we not just eat dessert?????

ladybugfan2020: do u kno how hard it is to put a body in a freezer

nino: not that hard

mari: How the fuck do you know??????

nino: alyas little sisters locked me in a freezer once when i brought them to her moms work it sucked man

ladybug2020: boy that was a body sized freezer

adrien: It’ll be like that scene in Tangled

mari: jfc

ladybugfan2020: u gotta have the strength to lift like,,, a pERSON

adrien: Where Rapunzel tries to put Flynn in the dresser

mari: All my friends are serial killers

ladybufan2020: thats hard bruh

nino: not if you put your back into it fireman carry

adrien: Ok question What do you do AFTER you put it in the freezer? At least if you chop a body up

nino: whoa there sweeney todd

adrien: You just drain the blood

ladybugfan2020: too messy

adrien: Fill a bag with spices Put the parts in And just throw it out

nino: just roast it though???? dude, embrace the sweeney

ladybugfan2020: no but thats not death by whatever sweet you wanna kill them with thats just killing them

nino: like if i throw it in a fire, itll smell like shit, but you can pass it off as burning trash or something

adrien: Where would you even do that? That’s so conspicuous

nino: first of all sweeney todd did it in londo n second like...farmland?

adrien: Yeah Sweeney Todd isn’t real though

ladybug2020: ah yes the farmland in paris

nino: well drive out to the farm with the body

adrien: Who are you going to blame it on when they find a burned body???

nino: theres no one around its farmland theres like 2 people they wont find a burned body

adrien: The suspect list can fit on a post it note Do you know how they identify burned bodies? We’ve watched detective shows together, right? I didn’t hallucinate that???

mari: Didnt this start with me saying I was gonna murder myself in a bowl of whipped cream

adrien: Dental records Nino

nino: just do it at a vacant farm dude

adrien: You’d have to like Pull the teeth out THEN brun them Messy but the job gets done

mari: I needed to know like -2 things I learned tonight This morngn

nino: messy???? YOU CHOPPED THEM UP

mari: This conversation is over 10 minutes long and thats about 9 minutes too long

adrien: And honestly? If you’re going through this? Just dissolve the flesh

ladybugfan2020: gross

nino: ohhh acid bath

adrien: Well you decided to murder someone Al It’s going to be gross

ladybugfan2020: where do u get acid tho cause thats a lot of acid

adrien: I’m sure you could find it somewhere

mari: Ok Im ending this conversation befor esomeone googles something they regret

ladybugfan2020: call up lb and cn we now have a solid plan for defeatin g hawk moth just beat him up with whipped cream

mari: Im going to bed I hate all of you

nino: night dude dont let the bedbugs bite

ladybugfan2020: or the murderers

mari: Fuck off

 2:46

adrien: I’ve been watching so many cop shows I could probably get away with murder

ladybugfan2020: HOW to get away with murder lmao im hilariou s

nino: yo consider this going the fuck to sleep

adrien: One more episode

nino: im gonna show up at your house and force you to go to bed

adrien: What are you going to do cuddle me to sleep?

nino: yes

ladybugfan2020: hi get a room

adrien: </3

 4:19

mari has renamed this conversation to “fuck you all”.

mari: I dreamed about murder and literally had blood all over me I hat e you peopl e

 6:48

nino: nice carrie style

 7:02

adrien has renamed this conversation to “out damned spot”.

 7:14

ladybufan2020: what a nerd

#adrien agreste #marinette dupain cheng #nino lahiffe #alya cesaire #miraculous ladybug #my fics #wanna chat #hey whats up #ill still be posting proc today lmao

[thegeminisage]

today’s zeldablogging which is full of spoilers:

the sight of my new sword sends a thrill into my heart tbh

if i ever replay this game, which tbh idk if i will, it's so Big, SS was only a third or a quarter of this size and i've only beaten it twice, im going to get it as soon as possible next time

anyway im back at the tower i suppose i'll crawl down and check out the enemies properly

i dont like gliding to towers i've discovered bc it feels like i've been plopped down into the middle of nowhere with no context

vs if i walk to them i know "where" i came from/am, if that makes any sense

(it doesn't)

i can see that flying thing closer than ever from here and it's DEFINITELY a divine beast no doubts left

yk tho. i dont WANNA check out the enemies. i wanna find that weird blanked out place at the top of my map!

haha i can feel it already

i'm so anxious to get to the end of the game and uncover the plot im gonna be like "FUCK EXPLORING" for the rest of it and only go to the places i need, now that i've got this map

i can always do more thorough exploration after, i've been spoiled that there's postgame content, but even if there's not like any other zelda game it'd put me right back before the final battle

god im having to go ALL THE WAY AROUND the lost woods i can't even glide over the nearby river to make the path shorter i bet there's an easier way to do this from the other side but i havent been there yet

ah, another forest covered in fog. black fog. how inviting.

ohhh, it's a shrine trial. wonderful. in the pitch blackness!

this is already worse than eventide

luckily i have the weird glowy skeleton suit i bought from the boy gerudo clothes store

i forgot to mention it bc i had no IDEA what it was for, but here we are

like. this has to be lmao

i keep dying in my first six steps what am i doing wrong??

oh, maybe bc i'm gliding in, i see a bridge on the map

ohhh god i hear a hinox...why, lord

haha im like.following the ways the statues point and. they're pointing at the hinox! wow!

lol when i realized the stone birds had torches on top i started over so i could light them all

OHHH I WOKE UP THE HINOX I DIDN'T EVEN GET A SURPRISE ATTACK IN

MASTER SWORD HELP ME

oh god this glowy armor has no defense!!

i'll just leave the helm on, then

oh thank fuck i used an atk+ elixir and it waasnt so bad

see, like, i COULD explore that upper ridge but thanks to the map i already know it's full of silver lynels. no thanks.

oh my god the yiga clan is RELENTLESS right here i guess bc i'm going around the back of (shudder) hyrule castle

oh!! a stable, thank goodness, i was starting to get wigged out

i guess all those people on the road had to have meant something

this isn't even on the map!!

oh wait lol yes it is

aww, i don't see beedle here...i was sure he'd be at everyone, i don't think i've encountered one where he isn't yet...

i'll be honest, i've grown kind of bored of combat

and know i'm biased but i genuinely i don't think it's me, i think it's the game's difficulty/"difficulty"

i used to see monster camps and think STRATEGY, is there a beehive, barrels to blow up, a place i can glide down from, this is so fun!

which gradually morphed into "okay this is gonna be a bit of a long haul but there'll be Treasure and sniping from afar is still fun"

idk if the black bokoblins/moblins/etc show up after you've done more things or bc of the area you're in but i'm noticing more enemies with more health, higher defense, and higher attack, and the barrels/metal boxes/beehives/etc becoming rarer, and when they do appear, being almost pointless to use because you're more likely to blow yourself up than do any real damage to the mobs

and like i love this game. it absolutely deserves every bit of its raid reviews, and this feeling COULD just be because i've been marathoning it for 12 straight days and i'm anxious to see the end and get back to my life

but to me, attacking a flat area full of black moblins and bokoblins isn't fun even with the stealth/snipe element bc you can't take them out in 1-3 shots, you have to stop and slash at them, and that alerts EVERYONE else, and it's just pointless

(lol i found some flat ruins by the stable which triggered this rant)

like, even the yiga clan hideout - my instinct was to snipe the enemies as i went, which would have made it a bit more fun imo, even though the stealth bit wasn't bad and i enjoyed that section quite a lot

i just don't like the—idk a better term for it unfortunately—"fake difficulty" thing where you just have to slog your way thru 1000s of random battles, i don't like it in rpgs either

kind of like almost wherever i explored at first i would run into minibosses rarely and then almost constantly

which, yeah, most of them aren't as hard now, But Still, it's the point of the thing

maybe i'm a bit defensive about "real gamer" bullshit and "women can't game" stereotypes while being super bad at games my whole life while my brother was fantastic at them

but like i just don't find that fun?? sure a good challenge once in awhile like eventide isle would be fine (even tho that was hellish and i'll never do it again) but that should be. every once in awhile, not. EVERYWHERE

anyway

frankly @ this point i'm REALY tempted to speed thru it before my surgery

bc i would hate to be laid up in bed and still have to worry about mobile browsing bc botw spoilers and tumblr's interface being awful

anyway i can;'t travel further in this direction without getting over near rito/hyrule field territory

and not only are those towers further away than i'd like but i wanted to do gerudo highlands first so back to the desert i go i guess rip

oh my god the wastelands tower goes down into NOTHINGNESS you're SUPPOSED to apporach from above

also i heard kass!! kass, buddy, where are you ;_;

oh i LOVE these cliffside structures i've been looking forward to them for so long

but i can't find kass ;_;

ALL tower shenanigans must CEASE until he is located!!

wait, he's...i see him! he's at the top of the tower! oh my god!

I'M COMIN, KASS

awww he wants to play the song for the hero who fell 100 years ago! he doesn't know it's me! ;__;

oh gross level two cold here and i didn't bring much cold food...just my warm doublet

wait

i have food AND the jacket and im STILL cold? this is level THREE? wtf wtf wtf

good thing i also have the ruby circlet but jeeeesus

i still have no food so i can't stay long

oh shit i found some guardians

still ones thank god

dude i found a HUGE cool mural for one shrine!!

yeah, this game is definitely still as full of fun secrets and as deslightful as when i first began playing it

and it came at a good time bc i just lost angela and it helped me feel Real Joy again

most displeasure i find with it now is because "AAAH ZELDA AT SOME POINT I NEED TO GET BACK TO MY FUCKING LIFE"

i'm so worried about spoilers and being behind now that some of the fun is draining away

i think after a bit of time has passed i'll either go back and finish exploring properly or straight up start a new file

and do it Thoroughly

when i can relax and go at my own pace instead of feeling like i'm racing the internet, my dashboard, my friends, my brother, etc

this region is soooo cold and i am so certain i'll get better cold gear in the rito area that im just activating the shrines and not even going inside to use my little food as efficiently as possible

im lit not even going inside

oh it's dropped to level 2 cold...thank god

THERE i got them all now to rush to ritoland

wait...i thought i read the 10k fairy wrong but i see ANOTHER on the map!

i bet SHE wants 10k and i have four thousand fucking rupees UGH

i thought there were only 4 and the horse fairy counted.......

ohh my god the divine beast is much closer from where i'm gliding...it's so big

I SEE DINAAL BUT I'M ON A FUCKING GLIDER SLKDFJGH

oh i've been typing it wrong all this time. dinRaal.

ohhh this region is so pretty so far...unlike the highlands which is miserable, i HATE snow in this game, i actually do wanna explore around here, i wish i didn't feel so hurried

oh god that divine beast is just So. it is So Big

god i passed the fairy on my way to the tower...10k! and i haven't been watching my cash bc i thought i misread something

all this time i've had 12 and 13 thousand rupees and i was blowing them on dumb shit

SILVER bokoblins...? come ON

good loot, tho

got the tower!

ohhh man. tat divine beast. oh boy. oh dude. big. so big. jesus fuck

oh hey i see rito village!! just where i wanted to go first

they better have good cold gear here :|

OH FUCK THERE'S THE BEAST SCREECHING

oh my god it's SO BIG im SO SCARED jesus FUCK

i wonder if kass will be here

IT'S RITO ISLAND MUSIC

IM GOING TO CRY

IT REALLY IS!!!! IT REALLY IS RITO ISLAND MUSIC

oh god it's BEAUTIFUL

aw omg the goddess statue here has a flower crown!

all right, fifteen heart containers...the rest will be stamina 5ever

no wait fuck i should have gotten stamina this time!! i'll get a heart from the beast

well i know you can trade them, somewhere out here i think

this beautiful too tbh this is all nice and orchestrated Damn

geez the armor will set me back even more money! not TOO much but when you're saving up for 10k...

well, against my brother's advice, i'm selling monster parts...i know i'll regret it later if i need them to upgrade armor, but i'm trying to stick to the common ones i have like 100+ of, so

aaand 10! woohoo

awww all the little baby rito in the hammocks :')

OMG the biggest rito looks like an owl! kaepora reference

oooh here comes a memory

AHAHAHA

revali and link were rivals. ok. im down with that for sure

and his specisal ability! an updraft!! PERFECT tbh

aww teba's husband doesn't want her son to be a warrior

tho i like the idea that ritos are hotheads hahahaha

zoras and gorons are both kinda collected we needed some assholes

HA i look forward to when revali gives me his special ability

i'm crying teba is such an asshole i LOVE him

wow i guess it's time to fight the beast already...? that was so FAST

omg i get to ride him!!!! yessss

oh my gosh we're up so HIGH oh man oh man the world is so tiny but i know it's really so huge oh god the divine beast is so BIG

lol i probs should have upgraded this rito armor.......

oh well too late now lmao

ohhh i love it when they talk to me

TEBA?

HE'S HURT OMG ):

nintendo would never kill him but omg im so worried about him

AAAAAH THERE'S REVALI

ohhh he's a DICK i LOVE HIM

ooh the master sword DOES glow when it's near the malice blight stuff

lowkey tempted to go back and upgrade this armor lol but i don't wanna leave and who even knows if i have the mats...

i'll just brave it thru like this and it'll be something to brag about later since apparently i suck at everything else

like doing eventide with five hearts on the blood moon

LMAO REVALI IS SO SMUG "you'll need to activate all the terminals, think you're up to it?" he's a DICK and i LOVE HIM i LOVE THE RITO

the music in this one is SO COOL?

i feel more like i'm fighting for my life/against something larger here, rather than just trying to creep through gently without disturbing anything and solve a puzzle for the others

and it's 100% bc of the music jesus christ

i LOVE how much gliding is involved this is EASILY my favorite divine beast so far

lol revali's tone of surprise in "there are two terminals remaining" i love him so much

"just one terminal remaining hmph what do you know" pls

all five down now the true test is can i beat the boss LMAO

the last 3 weren't nearly as bad as i expected, tho the lightning one's teleporting thing was almost too fast for me with my one-handed weapons

so maybe hopefully with good food this will be OK too

ok, i got level 2 cold food so i can get by with just wearing the pants :U not as much defense as i'd like but better than nothin

"it only defeated me bc i was winging this"

"can't believe i'm saying this but avenge me link!!"

ohhh there's accordian in this version of the fight song 

KASS ;_;

i wonder if kass's teacher WAS revali, or knew him

LMAO revali trash talks me when i get hit

KEEP YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME i didnt even watch that movie and im laughing at the meme

lmao "broke" the master sword with the last bow

eeeewww

DAAAAAMN

wouldn't even look at link as he left "your job is far from finished you know zelda has been waiting an awfully long time"

haha "i'll be plucked" as well thanks nintendo

"we've been ARTFULLY patient these last 100 years you won't suffer a feather over a few more moments"

geez i love him so much

that was definitely the best divine beast

tho the zora one is a close second

i gotta go make sure teba is ok

IM CRYING ZELDA JUST TOLD ME TO GO TO HYRULE CASTLE

soon i promise ok

time to go see the great fairy :U man i really thought my armor had been improved all it could be...

and 10k down the drain...

omg she's pink :3

im ALSO warping back to akkala to see if i can get any guardian armor yet i've collected a fair amt of parts!

LMAO I FINALLY HAVE THE MATS AND I DON'T HAVE THE CASH rip

ohhhh i see a new storm over hyrule field...DNW

lol maybe i SHOULD have explored it before now...too late now

holy shit i almost ran straight into a flying guardian going after this soul piece

ok, i need a plan...if i wanna beat the game before friday i gotta be Smart

i still need to finish exploring all the provinces, at least at the sursory level i gave to the highlands, but hopefully maybe a little better

i need to go back and do shrines and sidequests

and obviously i need to actually finish

counting today i have three days left so i guress i'll assign one task to each day, the last task obviously being on thursday

less than two hours left for playtime today, but i guess today i should explore, tomorrow i should shrine/sidequest, and i can do a LITTLE of that thursday if needed, and thursday i'll storm hyrule castle. ok

slkfjgh

SDLFGJHDLFKJG god. ok

aaaah the ruins music makes me so sad ):

pffft cute i got a memory where zelda was like STOP FOLLOWING ME I DONT NEED A BODYGUARD at link how adorable

i wanted to get all the memories before i beat the game but they're like ALL in/around hyrule field/castle and i'm afraid if i go there now that i've gotten all the beasts freed i'll trigger endgame events that i can't stop

so i guess i fucked myself over

i think i'll go ahead and get all the towers tho

so i can move around freely

i have time for like one MAYBE two before stream starts

aw this tower in the cold place is so cute and short

looked it up & apparently the heart/stamina swap is in hateno so im gonna go find it!

oh i came at night but that monster store guy is here!!

omg DUDE he sells DARK LINK gear?!?!

and apparently your movement speed goes up at night

the mask and bridles are pretty cool but i HAVE to have this

lmao and i just sold all my parts for that 10k...!

man he doesn't give you a lot tho...like, it has its own currency...i could never sell enough to get even one :/

ok, i can buy the tunic or the legs...but not the face. hmm

i guess the legs alone would look pretty dumb, but i have black pants and a hood that can kinda go with the tunic, so

this is kinda outta nowhere but i wish there was a recipe book for everything we've unlocked or read about, i just can't keep it all in my head

LOL omg that was freaky

okay but now i gotta quit

i didn't get all that i wanted to done, but maybe more later tonight but def tomorrow!!

playing a bit more bc bad choices

oh hmm it looks like i was mistaken and that storm isn't over the castle afterall! thank goodness

oh my god there's SO many shrines in the hebra peak range?? why???

LMFAO im thawing blocks of ice to get to this shrine and one has a moblin in it

me: stops thawing

OH MY GOD

THIS RANGE HAS AURORAS

IM GONNA CRY JFC

and i missed snapping a picture because of enemies!!! im so mad

too bad SO sad i am going back to those fires that started and waiting for night again i WILL get a picture

ugh and now it's snowing

i guess i could unlock this nearby shrine in the meantime

ooh, is that a cabin

;___; old man

end of the game and i still miss you

O: shield surfing

oh man i didnt actually wanna DO it now but

i actually dont know how to do the thing lol

lord, i had to google it. no one said a thing about pressing A

that was fun!! also i was worried i'd get lost so maybe i'll just. not do this for now

THERE! YES! AURORAS!

ooh god there's a silver lynel down there

i know i've been bitching over and over about fights but i lowkey wanna fight it to see if i can

i won't though bc my cold armor isn't very upgraded and my defense would be shot probably even with def+ food

as an aside im glad rivali's ability recharges so quickly i was afraid they'dmake me wait ages like the others

ohhh my god there's SO MANY silver lynel around here WHY

they have such a long detection range and such a scary roar )))):

thank god for rivali's gale i can fly right over him...otherwise i'd have to Run

there's another maze shrine here and im highkey like Ugh

idk if i'll quit when i get to the entrance or after i solve the maze...

i guess i'll give it a quick try and if it's horrible i'll stop until later

naturally i'm wondering if i can solve it on my map first and/or get to the top

if i could before with as little stamina as i had then: sure i'd be able to

probably there are guardians and the answer isnt THAT easy but

the entire maze seems to be one path which is absolutely useless to me like it doesn't look like a maze you solve on paper so i obviously have to find a door or go above or below all that somehow

uh

there are no guardians up here at ALL

in fact i think i even see a hole down to the shrine...

ok, what's the catch, what gives

ah no the hole only goes down a couple of feet and has a chest with a diamond in it

the devs saying "nice try but no" lol

i did find the entrance pretty quick from the top tho! and now i can warp back anytime

or no wait this WAS the challenge i can just go get my orb and ches

DUDE THE ATK+ LEGS......DUDE

ok i gotta figure out the shrine the chest is in and get it i NEED it this armor plus a def+ elixir? i'd be unstoppable, no more dodging fights for me!

well, less dodging fights

ok, so i looked it up and the chest is in a gerudo maze which i didn't even know existed bc i either missed it on the interactive map or it wasn't ther

but it looks Difficult so im gonna save it for tmrw

#personal #loz blogging #botw spoilers

[yuissamidare]

aight aight lets do this

zombie au

i wanted??? to develop the side characters more because i love them and they make me super happy when they get on screen and i went to sleep and woke up in the dead of night like. Ah. I Know.

the gist was dekapan creates a virus that mimics those weird wasp things that inject venom in caterpillars and wasps and leave them zombie-fied until they end up sacrificing themselves for the wasps babies. it works like my theory for gakkou gurashi and idk the zombies should follow their everyday routine expect that they also kill people. i’ve scrapped that idea and like, recreated how the zombies work but shhhh this part is a Super Secret.

he’s having trouble with money and! he loves science! he loves messing up and starting over and finding that one xyz fit that makes everything click how he wants to! but that costs money, and it’s money he doesnt have, so? he calls a kid he used to babysit and get along with for some help. hatabou gets him a job with a sketchy government probably trying to cure the common cold or make it impossible to burn your skin in the sun or something so of course he does the work given to him, because money is money, but the moment it gets on tv and is announced to the world dekapan calls everyone like 'hey guys dont take the vaccine something fuckys going on' and then the zombie outbreak starts and everyone gets split up and they find each other eventually after Bad Things and everyone gets fucked up about it.

people who we dont get to see pair up find each other and begrudgingly work together.

jyushimatsu and todomatsu are w matsuyo!! she has them go on a trip to the mall with her, and it’s very densely packed and a trains ride from home  (jyushimatsus here to carry bags and todomatsus here bc oohhh a mall far away). the outbreak happens while theyre in the mall, and momma and todomatsu get separated from jyushimatsu for a little while -- they do find him again, and momma decks a zombie in the face. todomatsu cries. if i were to write this, i’d focus like??? 2 - 3 chapters focusing on them being in the mall, finding a group of other survivors, and then leaving the group. depending on length and my Stamina which is. not good.

next group is totoko and karamatsu!!! and. its not because of.... anything. but totoko!! if anything is really strong and i can see her carrying an iron will and inspiring other people to follow he lead and! i like the dynamic they had with that like One Interaction. idk the beginning all too well?? like how they meet up and stick together, but i have everything after that pretty clear in my head. this would be??? the second arc of the story maybe? it take a while for them to actually get along and things go Bad in the start because ahaha karamatsu is a Fuck Up, and after that karamatsu just stops trying to talk to her and just trails behind while totoko vehemently refuses to let him help her with anything. and i actually?? dont wanna say too much about this because. ITS SURPRISE. but after they start getting along karamatsu gives her a fishbone braid, and she talks about missing her brother and they do some Feelings Talk.

idk what the fuck to do with osomatsu, ichimatsu, and choromatsu??? someones learning medicine and surgery from dekapan, someones getting yelled at by chibita while hatabou mediates, and someone starts stealing things with iyami and then starts crying in the back of his van after a close call, but idk who because they all keep flip flopping positions in my head. like, at first ichimatsu was getting yelled at, but then i put him with iyami, but then im like ‘ohhh doctor ichimatsu’. then osomatsu was with chibita n hatabou, then i was like ‘but oh he and iyami have a great dyamic’. and choromatsu was with dekapan at first bt then i was :/ with that and put him with chibita. those three are hecking me up idk what to do.

paranormal investigators

 We Are All Dependant On Our Brothers

the matsuno bros start up a ghost bustin company thats set up in a run down project and they’re all crowed up in a shitty apartment funded by hatabou and todomatsus part time job with equipment provided by dekapan because after high school it was decided that ‘shit lets hunt some ghost’ and everyone was like ‘yea sure.’

it was spawned by a dream i had where choromatsu and karamatsu are on a case and choros like 'k we gotta distract the ghost' and karas like 'got it' and while choros doing. whatever. karamatsu comes out in a bathrobe and sashays like 'ooh noo ;)) i sure hope no ghosts are going to get me while im naked and vulnerable ;)))' and choros like. 'who gave you permission to be such garbage.' and. oh. he did. 

and then later in the day a stray thought where osomatsu and karamatsu got confronted by a ghost thats like ‘ICHIMATSU MATSUNO!!! YOU, MY ENEMY WHOVE IVE TRACED DOWN FROM BARBADOS TO THE ARAN ISLANDS TO-’ then osomatsu cuts him off like ‘bro we arent ichimatsu’ and the three of them stare at each other for ten minutes before karamatsu offers to call him for the ghost and the ghost is like ‘!!!! could you?? i mean, im still damning you both to hell but’ and then ichimatsu picks up the phone, and as soon as the ghost starts talking he expels it in 0.0000000000000000000000001 seconds.

superheros

the brothers are b-rate superheros who end up in the newspapers sometimes. iyami and chibitas That Dude who ends up in hostage situations all the time and begrudgingly drive them home and make sure they eat even though they claims to hate them. its actually.... based of the storyline for my ocs so i wont actually talk about that again. nnu9mubvufe8n.

again, they live in a shit ass project but they live right next door to each other instead of crowding in One Apartment, its two with three each. they are all actively looking for day jobs because while the government pays well they struggle being adults. but this time adults with superpowers.

rpg/video game

like. back in the naru.to fandom there was a point where video game aus were really popular, like the whole grinding/gaining stats/unlocking new areas thing n all that and it surprisingly worked really well when written right?. so i was thinking about that and spacing out and i was like Oh Fuck. so this au got birthed. osomatsus the king, karas the knight, jyushi is a prince who gets kidnapped, ichis prince #2, choromatsus a wandering mage, n todos the royal advisor. 

jyushimatsu gets kidnapped in the dead of night, and osomatsus like ‘what the flying fuck karamatsu get over here lets go get him back.’ so they leave, and have ichimatsu look after the kingdom for him. hes like 'wait what please im' and is thrust into power anyways. he and todomatsu are surprisingly competent leaders and the kingdom does really good under him, even better than with osomatsu?? though he locked himself in his room for the first week and todomatsu just kept banging on the door OPEN UP YOU FUCK YOU HAVE PAPERWORK. and its an insanely huge amount because osomatsu keeps putting it off unless someone watches him and he does all the stuff like funding the armies and expanding territories before stuff like regulating taxes and funding schools and hospitals.

jyushimatsu escapes on his own after a day n is like HMMMM HOW TO GET HOME..... but then he enters a little run down village and meets homura and falls In Love and they spend time together and he eventually just forgets to come home because hes so happy with her

meanwhile with the idiot eldest duo. karamatsu doesnt know how to fucking.... spend money so when they meet choromatsu whos like the stop n shop npc he gives him all the money he has for an enchanted pair of ankle warmers that he could put his face on and that can react to his emotions. osomatsus like ‘what the entire fuck bro’ and goes to get their money back, but then ends up spending all his money on a charm thatll increase his gambling luck.

‘we’ve been bamboozled, my dearest king. our money taken right before our eyes as a miser deceived us and robbed us of everything we’re worth,’ ‘wanna beat him up, karamatsu?’ ‘of course i do.’

choromatsus like ????? wtf its not my fault you two dont know how to spend money. but they fight, and osomatsus like ‘join our party!!’ and they take a few days to convince him but he does join and he and osomatsu hit it off really well, and osomatsu decided after everything, hes going to adopt choromatsu. 

(’but we’re the same age, my king’ karamatsu says in response to his proposal. 

‘FINE, then ill get mom to adopt him, geez.’ 

then they meet chibita and n chibita and karamatsus like ‘if youre taking choromatsu, im taking chibita in if he says yes’ and osomatsus like ‘ask mom first’)

the three of them go to the place jyushimatsu was taken to, beat everyone up, and then realize he isnt there. so they just. dejectedly walk into a nearby village for rest and chibita gives them free beer.

they meet jyshimatsu an hour later on a date with homura and yes. they decide to adopt her as a sister too. (is someone marrying into your family considered adoption?? idk but everyones family now, no excuses.)

royalty/split at birth

i hate angst i just wish everyone could be happy, i say as i look through my notebook with angsty plot points as i reference my life.

the gist is: the cold color trio living in slums rather than a palace but then oso finds out OH SHIT WE HAVE MORE BROTHERS WE GO GET THEM and everyones stressed the fuck out

as soon as osomatsu finds out he has troops scour the kingdom for the them, with the directions ‘there are three more people with my face, go get em’ and he sends troops out. to everyone outside the castle this is a very ?????!!!!!!!!!! thing???because the royal family has solidified themselves as Bad Selfish people who tax unfairly and dont care about the poor. like, the rich people are all like oh! i wonder what the royal family is planning theyre so good to our kingdom ha ha! while the poor people are freaking the fuck out.

the cold colors only get a brief warning about the troops coming and the first thing ichimatsu does when he hears this is go and break all the fancy plates and choromatsus like ‘wtf are you doing!!!’ and ichimatsu just looks at him like ‘i love and respect my family so im doing what i need to’ and karamatsu takes that as his cue to take his mothers valuables and hide them under the floorboards and in the walls where the stucco breaks away and choromatsu writes a note to their mom Just In Case.

they actually do get taken and theyre fucking shocked. like, instead of the royals taking everyones valuables like they expected, theyre taking them??? and the troops are no help theyre just like ‘kay go take two sets of coats and three sets of day wear’ and they have them leave straight away.

an abrupt abduction is gonna stir up shit in the village especially if they only take the boys and leave their parents and friends. imagine how paranoid they'll be. ‘oh no what if im going next' 'i hear that theyre taking our boys now and selling them off to foreign labor' 'theyre taking our children as punishment for not being able to afford tax' ‘i heard things breaking in their home what if they got taken away for resisting’

imagine all the drama and discomfort theyll feel when they see the other bros living in the lap of luxury why their friends and family suffer like :)))

its frustrating and tense for everyone because osomatsu expected them to integrate without issue. jyushimatsu doesnt understand why they get so mad at him and refuse to be his friend. todomatsu doesnt understand why all these poor people are a problem. as long as youre happy and healthy it's fine! theres no need to concern yourself with what doesnt directly affect you. if you dont see it its not happening so its best to ignore it.

ballet

osomatsu does ballet again and is happy and has found something he loves and enjoys and everyone supports him. basically, he starts feeling nostalgic and then starts watching youtube videos and goes ‘haha pah! i can do that’ and then he realizes ‘holy shit this is something i wanna spend the rest of my life doing’

sophie even wrote a fic about it and its great and every time i read it my heart pounds ten thousand times a second and i start smiling so hard my cheeks hurt.

detectives

jyushimatsu’s an overworked forensic scientist, choromatsu’s an exasperated detective, osomatsus is watson, todomatsu’s head of the branch, and ???? ichimatsu where are you??

karamatsu’s fucking dead but he aint important.

they solve mysteries n do detective stuff.

theres also another au thats like platonic soulmate thing but eh 

#mbbbaf #long post #no like for real its a long ass post #these are all awful and they could all use Work but i like them #what is this

[dream2074interviews]

Zoe Interview Transcript

F: First can you just introduce yourself, like where are you from how old are you

Z: so um my name is zoe its always a weird question when someone asks me where im from because most of the time its like “what are you?” instead of where are you from

N: yeah i get that

Z: so um I’m half british and half ugandan and um i was actually born in botswana where my dad was teaching at a university there and then we moved to england when i was 4 and i lived in cambridge for like 8 months and then my parents were like this is way too expensive and the moved to a little place called huntingdon which is 20 minutes outside of cambridge and half an hour from peterborough so thats where im from and now im in london after studying a fashion and textiles degree at LCF

N: how old were you when you moved to here?

Z: I’d just turned 20 cos i did an art foundation course which w- and now that i think about it im so happy i came at that age because i had friends that came when they were 18 straight away to uni to london to a new city and i couldn’t have done it

N: really?? Z: I felt like i was too young at 20 to be in london N: Why??

Z: Just I dont know cos like suddenly when your with you parents and everything’s safe and you’re in this small town and blah blah blah and then being.. you’re thrown into this city also i didnt really like like the first two years of my course so it was a bit of an overwhelming experience and then yeah

N: oh god i feel that Z: but yeah im happy its over now F: How do you feel about living in this society Z: In...? F: in london

Z: in london um when i first moved here i was super excited like for me i always knew that i wanted something more than Huntingdon where i was cos its quite- i love my friends there and everything but its very stand still, nothings really happening nothings really going anywhere and i always knew i wanted something more i knew i wanted- i wanted to keep exploring and travelling so when i came to london i was so excited that theres stuffhappening all the time i can literally go to galleries blah blah blah meet new and interesting people um yeah i loved it and.. i .. it was also really good in the sense that back home i didn’t really feel like i fit in um there wasn’t really that many people into art

um... i looked very different from everybody else and all the things i hated when i was in huntingdon suddenly when i was in london everyone was like omg this is amazing can i shoot you? and can i do this and i was like ok? like this is cool like this is nice that all of the things that over the years I’ve started to hate about myself... i needed it then cos it helped me to just be like.. live your life you know and just be like just chill out you know like things are ok you dont need to be blahblah.. sorry i lost my train of thought now

N: thats cool, but like... has that stayed with you during your time in london like are you still, do you still feel like that or,

Z: still feel like?

N: do you still feel like you need to be part of this like everything constantly moving everything happening or

Z: oh yeah i do definitely when i slow down its like oh god whats going on, even though i complain all the time about commuting and stuff like that i wouldn’t pick anywhere else cos im so inspired every day when i walk around like people here are like everyones here trying to hustle and like do their thing get their work done and that drives me cos back home everyones in a different mindset they’re just living for the next day really

N: content with a 9-5 Z: yeah! N: yeah i get it

Z: content with a 9-5 but then spending all their weekend like spending all their money just getting... messed up... for no reason! like i look at them and im like it must be such a depressing..

N: yeah... yeah i totally get it like im from birmingham so like exactly the same mentality like no-one like everyones like happy being within this /thing/ like everyones locked in doing the same thing every day getting fucked on the weekend and then like going back again and yeah like here everyones kind of like here trying to do something BIG

Z: yeah yep

N: I feel like its cos London... like all the major cities in the world are like not really part of that country they are but theyre sort of.. theyre more part of their own country so theyre all connected theyre all more international thinking

Z: literally! N: Its so much better

Z: its so true like you know when brexit was happening like they were like cant we just make london separate because theres so many people from so many different places and thats what i love like yeah my hometown.. it was more diverse than a lot of places a lot of towns in the UK so i was around lots of-i was around people of colour- i think that would have messed me up even more if there was nobody of colour and it would have been just white.. but i think it was just more boys so obviously i wasn’t going to hang out with them

so for me a lot of my time was spent with one type of girl and thats what i then internalised as “oh i need to be like this and i need to look like that and anyway its just stupidness like when you were younger are youre like “oh boys aren’t going to blah blah blah and you’d be like well if i look like this and i talk like this and i act like this then ill be fine” so i feel like it was a very good move of me moving to london it made me realise... like why are you why are you thinking you need to be like that when you’re absolutely fine likeee just get on with it!

N: yeah its true! I feel like just moving in general like even if you dont move to london like you just have to move somewhere else like you lose all of that perspective of like what everyone else has been telling you and you get another group of people... and i think when you’re young as well youre just so soft-even if you’re like strong as yourself- like im very stubborn and like quite but like it affects you! you get moulded

Z: it really does! N: it breaks you down

Z: and you dont realise how much it does until you suddenly have this breakdown and you’re thinking about it and all these things and you’re like oh god ok that really explains that and like

N: sometimes it takes a while for your train of thought to like Z: kick in yeah N: and like be aware of it! Z: to catch up with you yeah

F: What do you love about yourself right now, how you feel you're the same or different as a woman?

Z: So uhh i im more comfortable in myself yes 100% yeah but during uni i- like i said before i’d been struggling my whole life like i had a bit of a breakdown in second year where i was just like i cant keep up with this work or the work that im producing just doesn’t seem to be what theyre wanting and im not very good at talking to people so i just kept it all inside and then i ended up just yeah... i had to go home for a bit i had to blahblahblah and throughout that period i realised i had a really bad problem with anxiety... just communicating with people like sometimes i come across as a really confident person and i can talk to anyone then theres other times where im just like i dont know how to have a normal conversation with you like im trying to and then i realise im starting to not make sense and that can so um yeah i am better but especially after uni im like im having a bit of like identity problems and stuff like that

N: placeless-ness Z: yes placeless-ness, definitely N: yea i totally get you, everything you just said i’m like YEP

Z: yeah i think the worst thing is when i find myself talking to someone and im like wow i cant even hold a conversation what is going on with me like- and then you can see other people are just like ok... maybe thats just me though maybe im being silly but yeah thats one of the problems with myself now that im trying to work on its my anxiety just being like hey zoe like why are you stressin like theres no point stressing like there literally no. point. at all. i say this to myself a hundred times a day but yet here i am like

N: stressin out!

Z: yeah, so yeah thats i feel like once i get grounded in what i wanna do thats gonna help out a lot when im like this is where im supposed to be im happy im fine. i mean its better than it was when i was a child i was very sen conscious i never thought like cos i was this massive 6 ft 15 year old like with like huge hair and everyone had like perfect straight hair n that was just yeah i was just always the different one and i hated being the different one. I wished, because of my anxiety i wished i could just be normal and like in the corner hidden away but yeah..

N: its good though like, i feel like now you seem to be more aware of everything so its like putting things in to perspective helps a lot like all those things that make you different like you start to just appreciate them and realise that yeah this is kinda cool like its shit, its shit being normal like why would you wanna be average i cant take it

Z: I think- it sounds funny but one of the things that hit me about my appearance- i used to hate my freckles because i thought it made me look dirty blahblahblah but when i came to london and you know there was- i feel like when i first moved here as well i was probably everyone was like ohhh freckles, cos you know you can get those freckle pencil from topshop!

N: yeah yeah!

Z: and one of my housemates in first year in halls every morning would draw on freckles so seeing that made me be like i need to be more thankful because these are natural like yeah im just gonna stop caring

N: ugh wholesome it’s so much better and wholesome way of thinking!

F: So how do you prefer to connect with other people now like do you prefer to communicate like straightforward or whats your way of communicating with society?

Z: i feel like right now im just a lot more straightforward, open, after i had to go home for ages i hated being like oh im just away for a bit i found it just a bit like ooh uhh not satisfying but more, it was easier to just be like look I’ve had to go home for a bit, I’ve been in hospital, im recovering, im gonna come back and it was better for me because then people knew exactly what was going on and they didn’t care they wanted to help which was better than me just faffing about so for me now i just try to be more open about everything if im having a tough day im just like look im having a tough day like this is whats happened blah blah blah i dont want to dwell on this i want to move on blahblahblah and if i wanna talk to people im gonna be like hey lets meet up lets do something so im just a lot more forward whereas before i just was trying to please people and i was just pussyfooting around everything and i wouldn’t get to the point and yeah

N: yeah i get that, i had a mental breakdown in likeee may this year and its because like i was just keeping everything in and it was its so difficult cos people like expect you to be a certain way especially if they like if they like semi know you

Z: YEAH

N: they think that thats you as a whole but really you’ve got all this shit going on and i was like look, im dying, im going to therapy now

Z: exactly, thats the hard thing though when people see you smiling all the time. i dont know ah its so sad but half the time its just fake like im just trying to get through my day the easiest i can so i can get home and you know

N: but its so much better you know when you’re sad to actually be sad so its like cos you dont have the pressure of being- the lie- the performance- the perfomance on you. The performance kills you

Z: yeah it was the performance and because i was so sad and i let it go on for 3 or 4 years i mean my mum kinda knew that i wasn’t happy and stuff like that and yeah.. that was so nice to be like yeah i don’t have to act anymore because that was another thing i was like it would make me hate myself, cos i was like you’re so fake youre this that and then it would be this daily thing of me- oh my god I’m gonna cry- it would be this daily thing of me just being like you’re a piece of shit like why are you even trying like whats the point. So for me to just be like no this is whats happening and this is whats going on it was just yeah, so much nicer to just sort of let go

N: yep yeah i feel that it’s difficult

F: Do you want to share a part of yourself with other people or do you prefer to hide yourself more?

Z: um so im a lot more cautious with who i share myself with, and I’m a lot more picky in a sense, and i know that sounds bad but i think you have to be picky with the people you surround yourself with and I’ve reduced it, because beforehand you’d have those friends that you weren’t really friends with you’re just like acquaintances and they were friends of a friend like you felt like you had to keep up so now that all of that is gone its just easier for me to be 100% honest with those few people and yeah it just you feel a lot more together for a start but when it comes to interacting with the world i just think to myself- like i wanna be a happy person in order to just because in london everyone is so moody all the time and i don’t think that people understand that you saying one horrible thing to someone can completely ruin their day cos its happened to me before when someones like pushed me in a queue or just said “move” or “hurry up” or something and I’ve already been in such a shit mood that its just added to the top of it and I’ve been like right I’m done like so for me its really important to hold myself and be like how i’d want people to treat me, yeah every day everyone is going through so much i just think its so horrible when people are mean or just impatient

N: its just not productive is it, where are we getting with it Z: yeah exactly

N: I get what you mean about the friendships i feel like we have a certain amount of energy and like when you have acquaintances and stuff or friends that are sort of fake like you end up giving if youre a sensitive person, you give them a lot of your energy and you don’t get that back theres this imbalance and that hurts

Z: IT HURTS

N: yeah it drains you

Z: thats the thing i was giving so much of myself spreading myself so thin. Whether that be oh yeah ill come help you with this and that and then i’d have no time to myself and i was running myself down and i wasn’t eating or sleeping blah blah blah all for other people! which yeah ok thats good but i wasn’t thinking like wait zoe you need to kind of look after yourself too cos thats one thing when youve got mental health issues you go through a while i think of not thinking about yourself, and then also sometimes people will call you selfish so its hard to remember like you need to take care of yourself

N: yeah you have to take care of yourself because like if you don’t then you wont be able to like your energy is precious like you need to nurture it with the people who are gonna give it to you back and like it should grow always

Z: exactly, the people who are there for you in the long run

N: like you said like your mom and everything, family and that kind of thing its such a special thing if you have a good relationship, its like so solid and it wont ever fade like you’ll do anything for each other. I think people have that with friends as well but then like theres certain kinds of friends where its just like theyre not gonna give you that back, and they’ll keep taking as much as they can because they only see that one side of you where you’re smiley and stuff. i feel like they don’t stretch their minds enough to understand that you’ve got this whole other world going on

Z: and also sometimes.... back to the thing about my mum. although she knew that i struggled a bit, i didn’t tell her the full story because in my head- because my mum is a really strict christian and um whenever i come to her with something she’d just be like shall we just pray about it and i’d be like its not...

N: I can relate!!

Z: I’d be like bless you but right now its not gonna do anything for me like, I’m telling you i wanna kill myself and you’re telling me lets pray to jesus.. it was frustrating and it was... hard and it did isolate me even more because i was like well who can i talk to?! and then i was like well stop being silly and when i got sent to hospital and i just told my mum everything she was like- she still is now like are you praying are you doing this and I'm like erm

N: it's difficult with religious parents because for them it's like the ultimate form of care they believe like that is what is going to help you and there only putting that forward because that is what they want for you they've got so much love for you it’s really difficult I went through that with my parents

Z: and you get to a point where you're like is there anyone even listening to me?

........(lost her train of thought here) F: so do you enjoy sharing part of yourself with people?

Z: when I can find people, where we’re on the same wavelength, we've got the same vibe, the same vision, we’re not wasting each other time, when are being those people where oh you read my text and you didn’t reply back. When you find people that you just get on with each other and you understand each other like if I can't get back to you right now know that I will do like I'm not ignoring you

N: I Actually had a conversation with my friend about this at like 3 AM he was like I've turned my read receipts on like my real friends will know I've read your thing and I will get back to you and then the other ones if they complain about it like why haven't you replied to me just leave them.

Z: literally I feel like people got so consumed by it atone point even I was like oh my god they read my message blah blah. So like when you find people you're excited to talk to it's so nice to be like let's just..... yeah so for me I love doing that but it has to be specific people who aren't here to mess around my time and just take things from me and like we respect each other it's a good working friendship

F: so what's your biggest difficulty that you overcome during your life? And your biggest story that you want to share.

Z: it's really strange when I talk about things because I have such a nice upbringing and my parents always in my life for like support and stuff like that.... One of the main difficult things that really hurt me and haunt me and I actually blocked it out for like a good chunk of my life..... A Family friend sexually abused me when I was between the ages of eight and 10 and it was horrible it was horrible that I didn't understand what was going on then so like I didn't make much of it I didn't realise how much of an effect it had on me growing up like I would cover myself up Head to toe like I'd wear baggy clothes I didn't want anyone to see the shape of my body I didn't hug people I was very like- people would be like oh you're very awkward because I wasn't into hugging I wouldn't be that warm I'd have to observe you first I didn't realise it at first both because I didn't want to let anyone into hurt me. And that was another thing that like in first year it was as if my brain and my body had shut it out and then I got to uni and like bam I started getting all these flashbacks I started to be like how fucking dare this person do something to me like that. It just fucked with me yeah really factor to me because even after that older men have always been interested in me even when I was like a 13 -year-old child teachers in school would always act differently with me it was just a bit like I don't like thinking about it I went to a phase where I was like is that all men want from me just sex

N: well, men are trash, it's not you Z: but then that's the thing though I thought it was my fault I thought I was to blame for it

N: but that's when is with anxiety everything just turns back on you you are literally like I'm the one to blame for everything for all of this misfortune, it's really difficult I feel like as well because you can be the most logical person in the world and you can see it as how it it really is but there is that Demon inside of you that's like

Z: it keeps telling you yeah

N: it's horrific

Z: with me it's just being like zoe you were eight like there is nothing you were doing... I still struggle with it especially when it comes the meeting potential boyfriends and stufflike that because I'm just like awkward like in the back of my head I’m like they just want sex, that's all they want. Then I can be a bitch to people because I put up a guard and I'm really rude and really defensive it's just because I'm scared

N: which is totally valid, completely valid. And I think people who are worth it will realise it, like they will work Z: to get through it yeah

N: and anyone that doesn’t, just put them in the bin

Z: yeah it took me awhile to realise that because yes so in first year, god everything happened in first year with first year I came to London and I I had my little ho phase, I think it's because in Huntingdon no one was really looking at me it was only really old men that would do that and I came to London like people my age were showing an interest in me and this was new so I ended up getting into relationships and seeing people that were trash and I didn't realise it until I was halfway through so I was like oh god I've made the biggest mistake and it took me till second year to be like stop like what are you doing you've got to focus on yourself first and be careful with people because although they act nice at first it could all change and yeah so I try not to dwell on it too much I used to wake up every morning and just be a bit blergh it's hard to just get over somethings, it has gotten better but every now and then there can be something that just triggers it and when it gets like that I just need to be like I'm here for a reason someone is trying to test me today

N: but it's important not to like, like it's not about just getting over something it doesn't just click and like everything is okay it such a slow thing but then slow things SO much better because it's solid

Z: I forget that every day I forget it and I'm like I wish I could just be okay that you got to realise a takes a while, but I'm an impatient person nine

N: you'll get there like you seem to be very reflective person I feel like that's the best thing that you can be

Z: the best thing has been going to therapy N: it's so good Z: so so good F: is it where can i go?

N: go at UAL its free!

Z: yeah I went to a lady at UAL but it wasn't like therapy she was a mentor but i could talk to her about anything, she'd be like that's probably the reason you can't do this and she'd help me just like Connect it

N: theyre like detectives innit

Z: because before that when you try and do it you make crazy assumptions, but when somebody else tells you it's a lot better and you're like okay this makes sense I'm allowed to be sad I'm allowed to hurt I'm allowed to feel all these things by car just let it consume me and I have to think about what I want from from moving on

N: my therapist was like, she let me talk about all of my bullshit and like I refuse to like believe that anything bad that happens to me is like worth me feeling shit nothing is really attacking me or whatever and then at the end of my rampage she was just like nabila; call it what it is, its trauma. I was like oh my god that's a strong word

Z: yeah cos again when you're that smiley friendly person you don't really want to think about all that stuff and you don't always want to bring it up to someone and be like- because I don't know about you but when we grew up I feel like we grew up quite tough and we just get on with our shit.

N: yeah emotions aren't a thing

Z: i'll compare it to my boyfriend is American and he talks about his feelings all the time and I'm just like we are different and we were bought up so differently. Like I was brought up to just be like you're okay crack on get on with it it's not the best way and then sometimes I talk about my emotions too much and I feel like I'm being a drama queen or something and then I'm like stop hating yourself

N: I didn't realise it but when I was growing up I internalised this thing where I thought sensitivity was a weakness but the thing is I didn't see it in other people as a weakness I was always quite encouraging of it but when it came to myself I was like why are you being such a pussy why are you being like this and then someone said to me when I was having my tough time she just said to me nabila you're just sensitive you just feel things, I was like oh is that what that is? I didn't think I was sensitive

Z: it's horrible because you think you're weak and stuff but you just feel things a lot more

N: now I feel like my brain has reframed it and sensitivity’s such a strength to have. Because you can bond with people so easily if you want to not a lot of people have that which is kind of sick. that’s another thing that my therapist said to me, she was like not a lot of people have empathy you're quite lucky to have it and I was like “but I'm hurting”. She was like “no no is going to be alright is going to come to your advantage don't worry”

Z: literally now it's not even weakness I've mess only nice people that I can have conversations with and connect with them yeah I don't know I can’t see how it could be weakness

N: that's the thing though with sensitivity I feel like you can meet people and have these surface level chat where you chat about just normal shit but there is people that you meet can you talk about things in such a deep level and that's that crazy connection

Z: yeah and that's the difference like earlier on I was saying how I can't chat to some people I feel like with our generation at the moment as well as the industry we work in we're always looking for the next new cool thing who's got this who's got that sometimes

I feel like when you talk to people they are just judging you like oh have you got it... this is the word that just like my tutors would be like it's not quite it it hasn't got it it was always going round my head that I wasn't it

N: what is this it what is this perfection that everyone’s striving for

Z; yeah I'd always be like that but then I'd be like it doesn't matter if I can't have a conversation with those people that I don't even want to be around

N: yeah was having a conversation about this with my brother and he was talking about having ideals and stuff he was like I don't mean perfection but I said that literally the definition of ideal people shouldn't have these preconceived notions of what an ideal is then because then you always striving to something that you're probably not going to find I think you should just look at person or get to know a person and register what there and find the goodness in that and that's how you bond

Z: yeah exactly that's how you bond, yeah I literally agree so much I feel like so many people feel like they're going to change someone yeah let's adapt let me just completely change you and I'm like.... Yeah I don't want to

N: what's the point? how long are you going to be my life?

Z: exactly especially in London people aren’t in your life that long it's not long periods of time

N: and relationships don't have to be like that it's okay but you're always going to be your own life so you have to the most stable thing

Z: and that was lesson I taught myself like focus on your stability and are you going as a person rather than what anybody all anyone else thinks

N; what is the best thing that you can do really for your relationships with anybody else if you're solid then that's that then you can figure out how much energy you are going to give them you know?

F: so where do you find your energy and your strengths so where can you find your energy to support you?

Z: erm that's hard for me I think it's just productivity if I make sure I keep myself busy keep myself working and motivated that's what seems to work best for me even if I not working towards something and I'm not feeling very confident if I just do something for it I often then it just helps me get to get back into a mindset of being like yeah you can do something although not everything is going to be amazing you can just keep doing it and then my mum my mum is another one that just keeps me going just because her life is crazy and the fact that she's just so happy everyday like every day

F: me too Z: I'm just like your amazing N: where did she get her happiness from do you know?

F: she’s just simple, I have the same thing N: is it just the little things? Z: yeah

N: I've been trying to do that you know I was talking to my friend the other day we were talking about going through shit and how Life just seems to drag you down well she was talking about that and I was like look this is why go on about dumb shit like when the sunlight hits a building I'm like listen everyone stop everyone needs to absorb this

Z: yeah but I don't know how he does it everyday

N: I mean it's probably you if you don't know what is it probably is you

Z: ah but I feel like I’ve caused her so much stress

N: I don't think parents ever see like that though, I think something just happens when you give birth to another human being

Z: yeh! I have thought about this though right I just feel Like going through the whole thing of giving birth to something and then holding it in your hands I feel like you'll never stop loving like you can't ever

N: yeah I don't see how you can is literally a part of you and you're out here like breathing she is like yES I DID THAT

Z: yeah she keeps me going it's crazy N: mums are fabulous

F: yeah that's why I was doing this project in the beginning because of my mother like when I'm feeling upset or depressed I feel like my mum is always happy about things and she's just so positive all the time like everything is simple in her world but in mine everything is so difficult

Z: yeah definitely

N: we gets quite locked into our own worlds though and don’t realise that theres this whole.... Like ultimately nothing really matters apart from our happiness Z: yeah its just getting there, cuz we all know this it just

N: you get lost in it innit, its like you’re spinning around, you cant focus on the one thing, thats what happens all the time with everything whether you're doing a project or whatever you just completely lose your bearings but once you lock onto something everything is okay

Z: and that feeling it's such a good feeling when you're like actually I can do this I'm going to places yeah realising that you can do it

N: and that's my mums are there for they're just like yes you can do it I watched you learn to walk

Z: they just know they know N: I'm going to have to call my mom after this and tell her I love her Z: she hears all the time from me though im like I'm so sorry I love you so much F: what do you think of relationships and love

Z: very complicated, I found it so hard to be able to be comfortable with someone and just be my weird self again I just think I was looking to fill a whole with anyone and anything and I really been treated badly by some not very nice people and when I look back and it just makes me angry but then I'm like it's a learning experience you were young everyone has to go through this but now looking to the future I just want to find someone who were on the same page we Wanna work together in a functioning relationship functioning is the words we look after each other we care for each other we listen to each other like we've got each others backs I don't want you to tell me you love me every day and get me gifts I just want you to I don't know I just want to know they've got my back in situations for me that's just the biggest thing being able to trust somebody and I feel like sometimes I feel like our idea of love is so twisted like the way some of my friends talk to me about what they want I'm just like that so far away from why do you want that yeah I I've lost my train of thought.... It does make me sad though you know when you're 15 and everyone's telling you don't worry about it now and you still go through it all I wish I could go back and talk to myself and say you're fine mate just keep going just carry on you don't need anybody

N: it is difficult because I feel like everything when you're growing up all the movies all the books you read the music you listen to everything that everyone talks about it's like you have another half of yourself to find

F: its so true

Z: so true, I thought that for the longest time, I was like well for me to be complete I have to find somebody else it's not enough to be by yourself

N: it's super hard to get out of that way of thinking

Z: especially when your eyes have been opened a little bit but then you talk to your friend and they are the exact opposite they're like oh I need a man blah blah blah

N: that's the small town mentality jumping out

Z: I don't know about you but back home because it's like so small everyone just goes out with the same people so it's kind of incestuous and that was another reason why I was like I can't go back because I'll end up going with somebody's cousin all brother and I can’t

N: it's difficult to find someone with the same like that deeper level of connection rather than surface both difficult because everyone approaches any kind of relationship with the surface stuff you can't just go straight into depth it'll be a bit weird

Z: haha yeah so what do you think about life?

N: yeah we should just run these interviews we’ll start dating thing for next project... It really should be really easy to talk about that stuff straightaway it's hard because sometimes you're like in the past like back in the day things were different- but it wasn't really was it? I suppose it's never really be easy

Z: and even now I feel like the way we are shown couples you're supposed to look good together, do amazing things together and it's just like yeah you two can both look Peng and you can be like in Australia riding jetskis whatever but you might hate each other that's the worst thing and some people are like all this is the best thing I'm going to get so I'm just going to settle and that's the worst

[shysheeptrash-blog]

N: I tried making these digital prints. Like I printed them on the wrong side of photo paper. Then I just stuck them in a frame. I mean you can still sort of see the image but something/ something/ happened.

B: I feel like I remember seeing these, maybe not these exact ones, But now the frames killed them like I think there was one of one of Sarah.

N: Yeah Yeah

B: but something happened

N: almost looks like snow or something.

B: or like celluloid burning or something.

N: and its progressive too. This is one of like Mia thompson. From back to the future. I just downloaded a whole series of photos of her as a like tenneager. Like she had done some modelling or something

B: hmm though is that an eye

N: No its a mouth dripping with milk see because the ink pooled in weird ways.

B: is that a body

N: Yeah

B: Is that your body

N: Yeah

B: Are you naked.

N: Yeah

B: And that's a palm tree haha

B: I kinda like it.. Its like a fridge science experiment.

N: There are actually a fair amount of writers in detroit actually.

B: well that stands to reason. Cost of living is reasonable. I feel like it'd be a good place to write a novel or a poetry book.

N: not art writers unfortunately tho

B art writing kind of piggybacks off of the commercial art world though, and less the like, the like ritual and practice of art.

N: there's not really a commercial art world, so theres not really art writers here.

B: Is that good?

N: I think it's bad.

B: Really?

N: I think its bad.

B: Well, money is good. You need enough money to eat. Haha. Is important.

N: But also, I think feeling like people are looking at what youre doing. Feeling seen. And what's the word? Feeling acknowledged. There isn't any, well, okay so recently, well actually, maybe we should go to this today. One of my friends, put together, at the cave a big industrial warehouse, a show with a bunch of artists from Chicago and Detroit. And a few days ago my friend send me the review, this person wrote this and its basically like well I don't get this. This makes me feel stupid. I don't really get it. I didn't understand. And it's like, why would you write that. Why would you put that into the world.

B: like did you talk to anyone.. like at a certain point, maybe try a little harder.

N: she went to the show with the curator.

B: Okay but like the digitigi-- uh digiti-- or didigi I can't get the word. I'm skipping over it, is the digital version like a scan or a text?

B Do we have a plan today

N No. Chilling is the plan.

B Food is probably part of the plan.

N Yeah.

B do you need to work today

N today or tomorrow

B okay.

B: What are you working on right now?

N: Two art fair things to work on. So, the thing that I, here I can show you. Um, so. That's gonna to new york. This is what I need to work on this weekend. That's also gonna go to New York, when we head back. There's a fair in Cologne in april. That and that are gonna go to that. I might make a bigger version of this. This thing took a long time. But ironically a bigger version doesn't take much longer. It's just detail-y kind of fussy work. I've also kind of changed the way I'm doing things somewhat. So like, if you look at this one, even the relatively flat areas get lots of layers and adjustment. Where like you can see here, where theres not a lot of paint and you can see the weave of the canvas, versus here, where you can see its all filled in.

B: Who's the guy in this one.

N: You wanna take a guess?

B: noam chomsky

N: it's bernie madoff

B: ohhh what happened to those feet?

N: I don’t know. I did those what do you call them, bigger frilly socks, but I didn't really like them at that scale. The background there will just be white.

B: Hmm?

N: That's another. That's a kind of—I had this period where I just started everything, just to see what I liked. I started working on these triple penetration paintings.

B: Oh my god! Are those from real images.

N: Its yeah, it's taken from a porn.

B: It's kind of beautiful but at a certain point, it's like what are you saying when you bring that into the gallery.

N: Yeah, it's definitely like what are your saying white boy, and I'm trying to be careful.

B: Yeah I feel like getting at that uncanny or intimate thing with the body and like you know like cropping it or cutting it off, its like kind of a violent gesture.

N: Yeah I've been, I don't. Well heres an interesting question. I had a show in London and it sold out and they were like if you can keep doing that we can keep giving you money. So like now I'm trying to repeat some of that. So the next step was like, well this was interesting to do, but like will it continue to be interesting.

B: and the ones for that show were they all bodies?

N: Here I'll show you. So here's this thing. There’s this and that and that and that.

B: I like these dogs.

N: those are margaret cho’s dogs

B: oh! Awwwww

N: haha yeah

B: I think these are kind of around fashion and textures. Less bodies. Or I mean, it not triple penetration.

N: Yeah. Oh heres peeing baby. I really like peeing baby but the gallery was like

B: mmm maybe next time

N I love peeing baby.

B let me see peeing baby again. Yeah I don't know man. Like its like funny and whimsical but I can't see someone buying that.

N: I feels so religious to me. Like Catholic. Like the hand gesture and the posture, and like I don't know.

B: But yeah I see why its sticky because while that's beautiful, representing and then selling a body part could definitely be framed as a violent act, while erasing black bodies from your work which is making art about fashion and beauty and bodies and rawness within those spaces is like also fucked.

N: I don't know

B: the lips are beautiful, I feel like I saw a bunch mouths in a museum once as a kid, and I was like wow look at the mouths, and I'm forgetting who

N: I dont know

B: were like wet and like grotesquely over-intricate and like pearls in them

N: marilynn minter

B: yeah

N: but also like, feminist activist and different background makes that gesture like totally legit.

B: yeah yeah.. Yeah. Okay have you done any of these doll parts ones yet, because they're like freaking me out.

N: I started. And they're not dolls, or they are dolls but they are medical dolls. So like doctors teach how to do things on the different parts.

B: What are all the dicks for?

N: maybe like testicular disorders.

B: The catheterization one is activating a deep horror.

N: of course that's the only one I've started. And like moving towards this space where there are these surrogates for bodies, like it feels interesting for a little while maybe.

B: What were you doing before this? I remember there was some stuff that was moving towards bodies. There was that cliff face that was vaguely yonic. And the the rope that said like breathe or relax.

B: Have you done any paintings of Marcel and Henry?

N: Not yet

B: Haha, well when you have time, I feel like they deserve that from you.

N: Yes.

B: Why did you start doing bodies in the first place?

N: I don't know, like the image of the socks was part of the impetus.

N: I need to like just figure out a way to be confident about this stuff.

B: I mean. Or not. Being careful isn't bad. Yeah I dont think its bad to be careful. I feel like, I dont know but like images just work in such a different way. Like they work, and I recognize that now. But like I feel like a lot of the time, I can figure out what I’m doing as I’m doing it. Instead of having to know what I'm doing ahead of time, because you can't change around the syntax of an image on the fly to the same extent. But I mean, I am also have a little bit of a what am I doing here right now. Like ive been in that place as well, for, not too long.

N: uh huh

B: I think that like I became super enamored with this really clean, kind of distanced way of writing, that aims to elide subjectivity. And I got there because I had crushes on a few writers in a row that were in that vain. And then like the last thing that I did, I was fucking with it for six months. And in the end it was only like 20 pages. That shouldn't have taken six months. And the reason it wasn't working was it was supposed to be this highly structured formal gesture that was a commentary on influence and the canon, but what it actually ended up being about was trauma and trying to escape a memory. And I think having to make that admission and then go ahead and write that piece instead of the super frozen over one about influence, I think admitting that knocked me a little off course, in terms of thinking that writing sterile well structured things was the way to go.

N: when did the shift happen

B: like december. That's when I pushed that one out of the nest. Cause I had it in my pocket and was like I'll fix it I'll fix it I'll fix it, but then just published it the way it was.

N: I've been kind of curious whether people are making big shifts because of the election. I was apprehensive about this stuff before the election, but now I'm like I need to re-consider what I'm doing.

B: Yeah i've settled into team reconsider. I'm looking to get a little more uhh skin in the game.

N: Yeah I can totally see that

B: To like raise the stakes or something.

N: I've been wanting to bring the process closer, but I'm still using found images and not trusting myself to make my own images. Like I met up with some friends a few weeks ago and I had them all paint their faces with clown faces. Hand then took photos of them just hanging. And I started to think that I can get to the place where I can use my own images. Here, heres uh. And I also started reading like about the protest culture kids are starting to paint their faces to avoid facial recognition software.

N: Whoop. Yeah I think, or I mean when I first started doing this stuff, I listened to an interview, and it didnt prefigure the socks painting, but it was relatively soon afterward and I started to think about the subjects of the paintings in a different way. Because the socks painting has this kind of leisurely, fashion-y, and like just a little hint of sex and I sort of saw that as a sort of contentious space that we arguing over. Leisure time. And what leisure time means in different contents. The left sees leisure time as like citizen time and the right sees it as unproductive time or like laziness in a way. I like the idea idea of thinking about bodies at rest and I started reading a new book about the use of bodies, in a more basically political sense. Like what do we do with all of our useless bodies as automation advances.

B: I think one thing that could happen or that might be useful, is that the marriage of capitalism and like almost calvinism, whereby wealth is conflated with morality. And that particular america schema where virtue and work ethic are conflated. I would like for us to have those two decouple. But it feels like we are going in the opposite direction right now with debt and internships and the gig economy. But yeah images and stories that celebrate rest and decadence even if thats just laying outside on a nice day and doing nothing, time wasted in play or useless creation. Like a meaningful life separated from the market and from labor.

N: Yeah like non-instrumentalized creation, bodies in states of repose, and playing with culture and commodity as a kind of flouting.

B: I think the travel paintings looked more relaxed, but these look more decadent. And in terms of representing other possible ways of being, I like how you let that remain a little torn or bruised or uncanny. I think that that like better serves a narrative of another way of being, complicated, but also not caught up in that system of work or at least not caught up in the same way. I don't think a like overly romanticized version of the decadent or leisurely life would play. Given how cynical we've gotten. But a when we let bodies fold and wrinkle and bruise while they play or rest or shimmer or hint towards illicit sex, I think that's seductive. I guess I'm also talking about non-domestic spaces, or like ways of like occupying private spaces that aren't caught up in domestic labor.

B: and like I'm not signing up to be a part of a heterosexaul relationship and care for a big brood. So I think a lot, about becoming isolated as I slip into the like margins of society. I can't remember where I heard it but it rang pretty true for me personally, that queerness is oriented towards death.

N: Like we don't valorize seeking deep meaning except as it is consumption. And the other thing is—well with sex, or whatever do you think that there's any political value in the major city non-monogamous thing? Like are we actually getting away from the enforced solitude.

B: Mmm until society has achieved racial and economic justice, the way it's mostly set up now is rich white people LARPing as revolutionaries while not realizing that its like just their privileges that allow them to have access to these spaces. Yeah there's some potentials that inhere there. But the way its commonly concieved of or the versions we here about --if that's the main site of your political struggle, then you're fucking up. Now granted a fair number of people in collective living situations are involved—are activists or like allies in some respects. Its just that walling off a garden for the rich, white, and able bodied and then calling it eden. That's like actively shitty. Granted that's mostly not how it works, but it does sometimes work that way. But, the ones I've seen in new york, like you have to have money to have that house. There are some phenomenal exceptions. But like mostly, its walled gardens. It doesn't fix the problem, because everyones coming into your collective with an individualist mindset and the goal of accumulation of capital and a self rooted in the concept of work. I think there is a potential that inheres there, but it doesn't fix the real problem.

and of course that's good, but I think that that progress stands alongside the kind of stripping out and monetization or like collapsing into commodities of every other belief system. Like you said yourself that one nice thing about being in the commercial art market is that there is a sense of validation that comes from selling. Like everything gets abstracted back into like capital. As much as you like try and even as an artist where like you are trying to reach out and see other value systems and youre in somewhat of an okay like positions to try and like reach for other value systems, you still get something out of it as work, like work-work, and out of working on it and getting paid for your work.

N: How do you feel about ice cream.

B: I feel excellent about food. I kinda want noodles. I'm lactose intolerent though so maybe not ice cream. Unless theres like a sherbert situation.

N: I was gonna offer mochi.

B: Could they be rice milk?

N: nnuhh I dont know.

B: Where do cows live? Like where are they originally from?

N: I don't know.

B: I mean I know milk is everywhere. Because global logistics and shipping and stuff. But where are cows? Uh you have the same soap as my partner. And he has the same soap as my ex, and for like a week it was freaking me out, like what is that smell, but I didn't say anything because it seemed weird. But I'm used to it now so it's fine.

B: Also I did an interesting job of packing this morning. I have a short sleeved silk button down and a velvet leotard and a floral bomber. Nothing reasonable. I don't know what I was thinking.

N: We should go thrifting. Oh I wish you could meet the woman I've been seeing. She's so good at thrifting.

B: Ugh my voice. Well like I also do the upspeak thing too. I don't feel super femme, as I'm like wandering around the world in my person body. But when I hear my voice or see pictures of myself, I'm like oh—that seems like a woman.

N: Uh huh

B: With the upspeak and the likes

N: I've heard that women tend to put like in the front of sentences, as a way of cordoning off meaning. And the kind of like that we tend to associate with women's speech, the inserted, like creating a pause

B: like an um

N: Yes

B That was a literal like right? I've lost track of when a like is like and when a like is an um

N:This is what blew my mind and I want to look into this more is that the original definition of like, like in old english, the original definition was a synonym with the word body. Right, like if you go all the way back. The similarity definition, is a corporeal similarity.

B: Whenever I'm using like a lot in a sentence I'm just bringing everybody's bodies to bear, fully.

N: inserting your body into the sentence.

B: I wanted to read you something – uh! Beautiful cat! Look at this butt. Skinny butt. I don't like that their assholes are so visible. This is what I wanted to read you earlier about bodies.

B: I mean.. I have those reactions to like cats though, too sometimes. I'm just like oh you're so beautiful. Oh can I set my stuff in your room.

N: Oh so my bedroom is the one room I didn't clean.

B: Oh no worries.

N: Though I really should wash my sheets.

B: I still really don't care unless there's something truly alarming.

N: O-okay?

Scorpios are like intense and sociopathic and super slutty, and like I have my scorpio moments but that's not like the driving force um they're also super slutty, which again I hve my moments. I occasionally check my horoscope, and I follow astropoets on twitter.

N: I follow astropoets too. But I feel comfortable with that because it kind of feels like a joke, but IM not sure that its a joke.

B: I guess I end up touching it.

N: Touching

B: metaphorically, not grabbing grazing. Someething.

N: I guess I read libra stuff sometimes.

B: What are libras like?

N: Indecisive and deliberate, and kind of artsy.

B: Indecisive and deliberate: how both?

N: Those are the poles.

N: I have to go to court, I got in a car wreck, someone broke into our house.

B: What

N: Those are excuses.

B: I have to trick myself into reading my hard books, by sending myself on a trip and only packing my hard books. Otherwise I'll just read sci fi novels all year.

N: I've read like maybe 40 novels in my life. I only read the hard books, so I never read.

B: oh my god, that's like nothing.

N: I mean I read other stuff. Nonfiction, theory.

B: To a certain extent, novels sustained me through high school. I was so miserable and pretty lonely. And I just read all the time, because we didn't have TV or the internet really.

N: Wait.

B: Yeah, no because we were poor. Ish. And my mom was a luddite.

N: Yeah I grew up with the internet, like the first earliest version. Like 1994.

B: What even was the internet back then.

N: yeah it was super slow.

B: but there was no google and it wasn't social. How did you know where to go? Did you just hear rumors about cool websites to go to?

N: I don't know I don't remember really.

B: I remember the first time I went on homestar runner, was because I heard a rumor about it on the school bus, so I looked it up in the library later. Oh, did you have a myspace?

N: yeah well I was in a band, so. Actually a lot of my first internet experiences were through the band. Like emailing and myspace and stuff.

B: So I got the glass replaced, then I went to Texas for christmas and was holding my sisters cat and the phone, dropped the phone, and like the clattering phone freaked the cat out and it dug into my, look at that, the cat dug into my wrist and launched itself, and that's like three months old, and it's still visible.

N: I have one of those, see?

B: how old is it?

N: pretty old, super old.

B: yeah that's not going away. It was a cat?

N: No it was a box, at my old place. I was picking up a box and dropped it and it slid down.

B: eessh

N: Yeah. Do you have any other good ones?

B: I have a seven inch long one the wraps around, you know the sticky-outy bone on the outside of your ankle? Yeah. I have a scar. That's a surgery scar. It’s all nasty and ropy. I've got two little crucifixes on one knee from another surgery. I had a partial ACL tear and a cyst had formed around it and the cyst was interfering with my movement.

N: On both knees

B: Two holes, one knee. We're going to get through all my injuries by the time this weekend is over, huh? Oh I've got a scar on my butt, from when I fell and broke my ribs and back and stuff in july. I scraped my butt, and it ripped my dress. It had a big gash on the side, and I lost one shoe. So the sent me home in hospital issue shoes, these giant velcro converse looking things, with a gash in my dress. It was a good look.

N: Of all the indignities, I feel like losing a shoe is up there. That's like a punchline.

B: You get hit and the shoe just flies off screen.

So part of the reason, obviously not the whole reason, but part of it is she's ready for that new york dick

B: I don't want to shit on new york dick but...

N: Let's just hold on that phrase

B: I feel like its not that great. Um. I mean, I've only really done Boston and New York. But..

N: however mediocre you think it is, it gets worse outside of new york.

B: Of course there's some dick that's so good you have to really make sure you don't lose track of it, but the vast majority of dick just scratches an itch.

B: Yeah, I'm being gone down on not that often right now, like if I ask sure, but now I learned how to come from like heterosexual penetrative sex. I mean not dick only, but I've learned like which positions and what I need to do or whatever. Which is a neat thing to learn how to do as a 26 year old.

N: J is so small she just slivers away and hides in a crease in the sheets when I ask.

B: Haha, you make it sound she's a silverfish. Iunno sex is weird. Like I'm 26 and I just learned to come from dick. Granted I'm super attracted to my partner right now, and my sex drive is a little higher, so I don't really feel picky in that situation. It's been nice to fall a into a pattern together, and learn some stuff and be flexible.

N: Did you see this?

B: I like the big wax tongue.

N: You can touch it.

B: Oh my god it feels amazing.

N: yeah it’s made of a foam rubber

B: Eek! Is that the art?

N: Yeah

B: I stepped on the art. I'm supposed to step on the art, right?

N: Yeah. It's a long unfolding performance art.

B: I am part of the art, then. I wonder how many other people it terrified.

B: Are you in this?

N: That's a good question, I don't know. I stretched some of these canvases though.

B: Is it cheaper to stretch them yourself.

N: well it's cheaper to ship them unstretched and then stretch them

B: do they ever crack?

N: Yeah but I'm doing it to my own stuff mostly.

B: ah. Is it hard?

N: yeah.

pop

B: ahh, I'm wary of the floor now

N: hehehe

B: ahh

N: hehe *continues popping the floor poppers*

B: I really want a new tattoo, but the idea I have is super lame. Egon Schiele has these kind of wrecked looking flowers that I like, but it's a bit of a tumblr girl thing.

N: He's maybe a little a popular for the wrong reasons, but still good. I don't know if I've seen the flowers though.

B: I feel like if I was getting a nude, on ma body, that'd be a little redundant. But--

N: You should totally get a boob like slightly off on your boob.

B: Yes! I really wanted wild flowers though, but they were all too pretty. These are rougher or something. Wildflowers just remind me of home, and of my mom.

N: Schiele kind of looks naive or something as well, which is a good way to hit that from the side.

B: What's the plan. Drinks, chatting, friends, dancing?

N: Theres no plan. I might have a date, but you can come.

B: Would we leave it on if we hung out with people. Also should we like establish boundaries or anything? In terms of your date and the M situation, I kind of want expectations for me and boundaries in place.

N: What do you mean?

B: I mean, we have had sex.

N: Yes, I remember.

B: So like how am I introduced in this context? That seems awkward.

N: I'm putting like no expectations, I mean not 100% comfortable but I'm pretty happy with things just being relaxed. I'm not tryna fuuck.

B: Okay, yeah. I didn't know if I was signing myself up for a threesome or something.

N: I don't even know what this would be, or if it would go anywhere, but no.

B: Okay, yeah. I mean. Yeah, alright. We'll see.

N: Oh your head is cold, why is your head cold? Maybe you were lickin’.

B: Maww

B: how do you .. okay i understand this isn’t a real question, but, how do you make the paint paint? It looks hard.

N: Make the paint paint?

B: How do you make the paint paint? Noun version of paint, verb version of paint.

N: What?

B: It looks hard.

N: Uh

B: Like physically hard.

N: Oh. Some of it is hard. I scrape  it off with this razor blade. Oil paint doesn’t dry, it oxidizes. You can sort of reinvigorate it to a certain extent by adding oil, but only to a certain extent because it becomes a hard resin.

B: Oh

N: Actually something else that’s, well this isn’t related. I used to paint on these ones, and now I’m using these

B: canvas and gesso

N: You can’t sort of see, here look at the edge here. There’s a thin see through plastic product.. can you see, where can you see, here.  Feel this. It’s soft and then it’s rough. It’s called PDA Size. It’s used in book making. And I’ve been experimenting with using it as a gesso.

B: Ahh. The white ones are crisper.

N: I’m kind of letting the linen texture and color show through to a certain. Yeah and also to some extent I think there’s a reference, one that I’m trying to induce to a traditional technique. Contemporary image logic in a traditional environment.

B: it’s good for flesh

B: Is this alright

N: Are you asking the cat if you can take a picture of him?

B: I’m asking you.

N: Yeah. If you make kissy noise he’ll look at you.

B: Uh, how much gin is in this? Just so I don’t put myself under the table.

N: Like two fingers.

B: you can see it swirling

N: Oh that’s so good. Let me see if I can get it.

B: It kind of stopped. Do you want me to stir? Ohh it started up again.

N: Pretty good. Are you recording?

B: Have been for a second. It’s just there.

Well I do think that I’ve taken on some of our collaborations in the past year into my extended art practice identity, that I’m not just someone who makes paintings, that I also make funky language stuff with you. And so when opportunity came along… Well, and I read a lot of interviews and I’m interested in them, so I am interesting in how their are done. I guess I also feel like I function better on one-on-one, socially.

N: Out of interviews. I think some of it is fantasizing myself into the scenario, like a casual comparing of sensibility. Maybe in a way, that’s a little too meta. But I listen and try and think how would I respond to that?

B: Who do you fantasize yourself as, the, well I guess it’s hard sometimes to tell who’s doing who..

N: I kind of like fiction that feels like my inner voice. Well, I had this thing with a friend in Berlin, this bookclub we started reading ernst junger, and we had plans to read cioran

B: Oh my god I love cioran. I read him in college when I was super sad.. so

N: Excruciating nihilism. At least Nietzsche is kind of enthusiastic about it.

B: Invigorating nihilism. Like it can get perversely generative. Versus cioran is just soo. Ugh. He’s just like morose. In a way, it also wraps back around and becomes a kind of idealized melancholy.

N: Oh god, but he’s just a slow drag on your soul.

B: It was interesting to me, because I want to be more immediate, and have a clearer emotional stake and like psychological or something  stakes in the work I’m doing. I like the idea of fantasizing yourself into a situation, [I really like the idea that I’ve fantasized myself into this situation, given the history and given the way desire seems to work on me. It isn’t exactly untrue.]

N: Do you feel like we have clear emotional stakes?

B: By emotional stakes, I don’t mean a channel of intense desire or rage.  Though there is some desire and some compexity to it. I mean closer to my self than say an algorithm trained on another person’s texts can get. In a way. Not romantic stakes. I mean I want good things for you and the kitties and the art. And you’ve known me for a while, and in a few different contexts. And the longevity is cool, because we’ve gotten to be different people along the way.  

N: I’ve floated the idea with a few people, a few friends that it’s better to have fucked first and then become friends. Like it gets rid of something, or establishes something, or does some sort of work.

B: Thats one thing that continues to flabberghast me. The way that I feel like I know someone after sex. Like I’ve seen them naked and somewhat vulnerable, and they’ve seen me naked and well usually super vulnerable.. That’s true especially lately, in that I’m less alienated from the experience of sex. But I just feel closer or something. And I keep having the experience of feeling close and known, and then that not at all matching up with the other person’s reality, that honestly breaks my heart a little. Like, most often with older straight guys. Like I’ll think that we’re becoming friends, have sex expecting to become better friends, and then have them never speak to me again.

N: Like they’re aiming at something and then once they get it?

B: Yeah, but it kind of baffles me, because I’m not hot shit. Like if you’re trying to make notches in your bedpost, I’m an odd target. I think it’s more that there’s a script or schema in place, where casual sex means someone is disposable. Versus I’ve not had that experience in my queer community. Like sometimes or rarely things will be weird for a bit, but it resolves. Versus these older dudes, just leave me hanging oddly. The younger straight dudes have less of the idea that if you speak to someone after you fuck them, you’re suddenly married.

so like omg do you really need that much moral cover to be a slut?

N:  This boy M is just the softest boy, non-threatening and beautiful. But he sleeps with everyone. He slept with my friend and she said he could not admit to himself that he liked sleeping around,

B: he had to keep up the lovelorn performance. God that’s even more violent. Like if a boy is an avowed slut, then you can hit them up and just be honest with eachother. I know those boys. I’ve bedded a few in a my day. They’re great to hit up when you actively dont want emotional work, but want to fuck something. Versus that whole, I’m really serious about finding love but there’s something wrong with you narrative is horrible.

N: bedded... Yeah, it disingenuous. It holds out a sense of false promise to people who are serious, and then it forces slutty people to engage in their weird game. Like over the winter the friend I was talking about got with him, and she said just wanted to cuff him for winter but he couldn’t stop with the

B: wait is that what cuffing means? I thought cuffing season referred to like cuffing your pants.

N: Explain that.

B: Cause it’s fall, so you put away the shorts and you get out the pants, but its a still warmer so you cuff them.

N: You might be right

B: No you’re definitely right, because I also thought thot was slang for a thing you think instead of an abbreviation of that hoe over there.

N: Oh that’s cute. But yeah but she just wanted to cuff someone and the guy thought she was being to calculating about things.

B: Ugh. I would much rather have someone be straightforward and say hey you’re gorgeous, and I want to sleep with you but have no emotional bandwidth for anything else. Like when people pull that shit of like oh I’ve had a crush on you for ten months, let’s fuck, and then I’ll text you for seven weeks, but not tell you when I get a real girlfriend.

B: well yeah. Though I mean there’s a balance to be struck. There’s been like four threesomes that I’ve straight up slept through.

N: Slept through?

B: Like my partner and whoever else set something up, knowing I’d be down, because I’m like perpetually, terminally down.

N: Haha

B: And then by the time they’re like back or ready or whatever I’m curled into a tiny, warm, ball completely unwakeable.

N: I like when they bite me, because they do it so carefully.

B: You like it.

N: less so when they use their claws

B: Oh you’ve never even smoked anything. Oh my god.

N: No and it felt really weird on my lungs. It kind of makes me want to go in a sauna.

B: Oh my god you’ve never been in a sauna? I went like three weeks ago.

N: There’s a big sauna near here that I’ve been trying to go to. It has like private rooms with a hot tub and a sauna.

B: Every trip I’ve taken recently, I’ve managed to get a spa type experience in. Which is super decdent but.

N: I’ve being trying to book this one near here for a while but I haven’t yet

B: We should go tomorrow.

N: I’ll call. Okay so its 25 dollars a person, and they have rooms available later in the evening.

B: You have such a decadent life. Excellent pants, covered in cats, surrounded by art

N: Excellent pants?

B: Excellent pants! Am I wrong? No I was just starting small and working up, but also to be fair, excellent pants are foundational for happiness. Oh, I need to call my sister.. Can I go do that?

N: Yeah

N: so my brain as come up with two options.

B: your brain has

B: I don’t like it. It’s like.. It’s like fake fun. It’s a bunch of people trying to convince themselves they’re cool and interesting. And they’re not. It’s like chill out, you’re a corporate lawyer, sure you’re whipping a woman in front of a crowd of other shills, but that doesn’t mean you’re cool.

N: What would it need to be actually fun?

B: To not be a sex club. To not be forced, or anonymous, or awkward.

N: Yeah well the schwitz is closing down

B: If I was starting a sex club, I would put it in a church and have only one room, with a max of 15 or 20 people. And everyone is chosen for a given party based on how well they’ll get along and how much they have in common. And then time is the factor that determines whether people get down or not, instead of like separate spaces where one is always already a writhing kronenberg monster.

N: I’ve got the avocado, and the hand one.

B: What’s the hand?

N: on my palm I have ‘Ne Travaillez Jamais’. It means never work. But the idea is that the more worn my hands get, the more the tattoo fades.   

N: I think I might get another one in new york. This equation kunst equals capital..

B: whats kunst. I know what capital is haha

N: art

B: ahh I see . I thought it might mean pussy is capital

N: haha no. The other one is a ken price drawing of a naked woman with her legs spread, and it says dont think about her while youre driving. But I don’t know how I would get it. Just the text or the text and the image and where

B: Get the image in right here, straddling you. Like you have to shave to get it, but then when it grows back it’ll be partially obscured. If you have any other patchy hair on your body thats what you should do with it

N: Fill it with tattoos

B: Fill it with cunts

N: Are you looking up long legged chicken in jorts?

B: First I’m looking up long legged chicken, because I want relevant results.

N: wow. wow. wow.

B: I might be sleepy. I might be ready for sleep. Is that okay.

N: Yeah.

B: Oh yeah long legged chicken in jorts. Here we go.

N: ahh haha, close.

B: In boxing shorts. The rest are chicks in jorts. Human chicks. You should put a variety of chickens in your backyard.

N: Christine has chickens.

B: Oh my god, does she have americunas?

N: I don’t know you’d have to ask her.

B: If she doesn’t she should get some. They lay colorful eggs. And I think they are good in cold weather as well.

N: Yeah. Okay, I told M I would call her before I went to bed so I’m gonna do that and then come occupy the other half of the bed.

B: Okay, I’m gonna pass out and cudddle your cats.  If you want me to sleep on the couch that’s also fine. If that’s neccessary.

N: I don’t think its neccessary.

B: Okay, goodnight.

B: Yeah I sleep okay, except I woke up with a hangover headache so I drank like six glasses of water, then I had to pee a bunch because of all the water. So I slept well except for self inflicted interuptions. Ugh these jeans I missed a button because they’re dumb and they dont have a zipper.

B: Who’s taking care of them while your away

N: Roomate. She’ll just pop down and feed them.

B: So what’s this one. I kind of read a crotch or a breast in the gesture, but...

N: A throat

B: right too furry for a breast

N: I guess my breasts are furry

B: No nipple on the throat.

N: some people have said they read the thumb as a nipple.

B: Kind of, maybe. And this, what’s this? I see a shoe, a foot.

N: Yeah and the blue wrinkles are the edge of a lap

B; so the foot is crossed over like

N: Yeah.

B: [inaudible]

N: [yelling] pigeons.

B: Yay! I think the thing that I liked about the idea, is that one of the art publications I read most is bomb. Which is literally subheaded, artists in conversation. And they have a shit ton of interviews, even a book of them. And I really like the kind of forced out, or half baked, or heavily mediated ideas that come from the space of a conversation between friends. It a faster, hotter way of coming up with stuff.  Plus it kind of creates an idealized space of flattened power dynamics. But then on the other side its super parasitic. Like you’re performing being an off the cuff or being equal in order to reap some sort of benefit down the line. Lord knows its somewhat rehearsed and scripted.

For the most part theres a mutuality. The reader gets to use the text to access a kind of empathy or intimacy. Its a cool form. You get more of a stake it your ideas, they’re associated with your self and your body in a way that isn’t true of a lot of other forms. That whole habermas thing about the public, where the subject is stripped away and becomes just a vehicle for an idea, for reason. It’s absurd, but I think the interview can undermine that in some ways. Your self is inserted back in, with its vocal ticks, and gestures, and habits of thought. The body responds to the interlocutor no matter what. I think selfie art kind of makes a similar argument, inserting the body back into the public sphere. We’re doing the same here, in a subtler or more obscured way

B: with images of women or sexualized images of women, its broken in the way that these come from the tradition of having been object for consumption. Which is just one way the subject can be broken there are other ways it can be broken, moreinteresting way. A relationship to a self as a object for masturbation