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fangirlwriting-stories · 1 year

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Self-Contradiction

Summary: It's not exactly easy having to be Thomas' emotions and Thomas' morals at the same time.

…

It did not feel good when Thomas hated himself.

Patton was the heart, he got the brunt of it, and it sucked. That wasn’t to say that it didn’t affect the other sides too. Virgil got more anxious about when people were going to notice how awful Thomas was and leave him. Logan found it more difficult to make Thomas listen to him and listen to reason, and that made him frustrated, which often made things worse. Roman, who was the ego and got hit harder by this like Patton did, lost his confidence and it was more difficult to do any other parts of his job too.

But Patton felt it when Thomas hated himself, a constant thrumming shame in the background, and sometimes in the foreground, that made it feel like nothing would be okay ever again. That clearly Thomas was wrong, all the time, about everything, because he was just the worst. The feeling touched every other feeling Patton had, made them worse if they were bad, seem fleeting if they were good. It made Patton want to lay in bed until the world swallowed them all whole, and on the worst days, that felt like everything they deserved.

This… this wasn’t a worst day. There had been times where everything felt heavier than it did right now. Patton could breathe. It just didn’t feel like there was much point to it. He wasn’t surprised when no one came to knock on his door. Everyone else had to be having just as crummy of a day as he was, of course no one had space for his stupid problems.

He was planning on curling up and spending the day in bed while feeling bad for spending the day in bed, but at about 10 in the morning he felt the presence of someone rising up behind him.

“Good morning, Patton. Though it doesn’t seem like you’re having one.”

Patton didn’t bother trying to move, which didn’t help with the shame problem. Someone had come to visit him, and he couldn’t even show them the courtesy of looking at them?

“Hi, Janus,” Patton mumbled.

“Are you alright?” Janus murmured. Patton felt his weight shift the bed as he sat down.

“Do I look alright?” Patton grumbled, and then he winced. “Sorry.”

“I wasn’t asking because I was unsure, I was inviting you to talk about it, sweetheart,” Janus murmured, and Patton felt his hand start rubbing his back.

With that, he finally moved. He shifted away. “Don’t do that.”

“Alright,” Janus said, and the hand didn’t reappear. “Can I ask why?”

Patton didn’t say anything.

“Patton?”

“Don’t deserve it,” Patton mumbled. “Not today.”

There was a moment of silence, and then Janus stood up and walked around the side of his bed. Eventually, his face swam into view, looking concerned.

“Patton, what’s wrong?” he asked.

Patton didn’t say anything.

“Do you not know?”

Patton shook his head, rubbing against the sheets. “I know.”

“Do you not want to tell me?”

Patton didn’t say anything.

“That’s alright,” Janus said. “But comfort isn’t about ‘deserve,’ Patton. I would have assumed you knew that.”

Patton shook his head, rubbing against the sheets again. “No, they don’t have to earn it, but I have to earn it. Today.”

“Oh,” Janus said, crossing his arms and looked unamused. “And why is that?”

Patton didn’t say anything.

“Patton.”

Patton closed his eyes against tears welling up. “Because I’m being mean to myself,” he whispered.

Janus hummed in acknowledgement. “Can I be nice to you then?”

Patton nodded weakly. “Please?” he whispered.

A second later he felt a hand start running through his hair, and Patton leaned into the touch.

“‘M sorry,” Patton muttered. “You’re probably not feeling good either.”

There was a pause.

“I’m… not doing spectacular today,” Janus admitted. “But you definitely don’t seem to be doing worse.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s not a judgment, sweetheart.”

Patton moved his head so Janus’ hand was cupping his cheek. Janus seemed to catch on and started rubbing his thumb across Patton’s cheek.

“Do you want to talk about what’s wrong?” Janus asked. “Either way is alright.”

Patton didn’t say anything for a minute.

“Nothing’s ever going to change,” he whispered finally.

Janus’ hand stilled. “That doesn’t sound very hopeful, coming from you,” he said.

“Well, you want me to be hopeless anyway, don’t you?”

Janus’ hand disappeared for a second, before cupping Patton’s cheek again. “Why would I want that, Patton? That’s not a good thing.”

Patton opened his eyes to see Janus looking down at him, seeming very concerned.

Patton looked at him a minute longer. “Do you actually think I’m good for something, Janus?” he asked.

Janus’ eyes widened in alarm. “What?”

“I mean, I’m just the stupid heart who leads Thomas astray, right?” Patton asked, looking down at the bed sheets again. “And his stupid morals that never let him focus on himself, like you want. If— if Thomas hates himself, then I feel awful because it feels bad. But then when he tries to love himself, I feel awful because it feels wrong. Whose stupid idea was it to give his emotions and his morals to the same side anyway?” Patton pressed his head into his arms and finally started crying.

After a second, Janus started running his hand through Patton’s hair again.

He stayed there until Patton stopped crying, though Patton didn’t really feel any better after the supposed emotional release.

Janus cupped Patton’s cheek again and lifted it towards him so Patton could see his face.

“Of course,” Janus said firmly, “you are good for something, Patton.”

Patton looked away.

“You are Thomas’ emotions,” Janus said. “You allow him to feel everything he needs to, good and bad. And your morals allow Thomas to recognize how to do good in the world, which he wants. It’s okay to want that, Patton.”

“Really? Because today both of those things are just making me miserable.”

“Thomas has a lot to work on,” Janus said, running his hands through Patton’s hair again. “That’s okay. You are crucial, Patton. And I do not want you to be hopeless. Your job is to help Thomas see the good in the world and feel good about it. That’s important to him, and it’s a good thing. You’re a good thing, Patton. Please believe me when I say I mean that.”

Patton reached up and pulled Janus’ hand down to cup his cheek again, and Janus obliged.

“I know,” he murmured after a second. “I know I’m important.”

“Today’s just bad?” Janus asked.

Patton shakes his head on instinct. “I’ve had worse.”

“Oh? When was that?”

Patton leans heavily into Janus’ hand. “When Thomas thought being gay was wrong,” he said quietly. “That… that was worse.”

“Mm. And so of course you’re certainly not allowed to feel bad unless things get to that point again. That is the only time you’re allowed to have a crummy day.”

Patton smiled, just a little.

“Hey Janus?” he asked after a second.

“Yes?”

“Are you okay?”

“Don’t worry about me,” Janus said.

“You’re allowed to have a crummy day too,” Patton said. “Even if you’re not feeling as bad as I am.”

“I know,” Janus said. “I’m not saying that. I am telling you not to worry about me, Patton.”

Patton didn’t say anything.

“Patton?”

“Come snuggle with me?” Patton whispered, because he had a feeling that would make them both feel better.

Janus was quiet for a moment, and then he nodded, and pulled the covers back. He leaned back against the headboard and gently pulled Patton to his side, starting to run his hands through his hair again.

“You don’t want to get into something more comfortable than your usual clothes?” Patton asked, giving Janus a curious look. “And you can lay down if you want.”

“Baby steps,” Janus said stiffly, which was when Patton realized how uncomfortable he looked sitting there.

“Wait, you— you don’t have to stay here just to make me feel better,” Patton said.

“I’m not,” Janus said. “Just— baby steps.”

Patton nodded. “Okay.”

So they both stayed there and felt crummy together. And if things didn’t feel better, at least they weren’t alone.

#sanders sides #patton sanders #janus sanders #moceit #platonic moceit #platonic or romantic #you decide #patton sanders angst #janus sanders angst #character thomas needs therapy okay #charatcter study #my fic

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icy-cold-bitch-latte · 2 years

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It's Okay, Kiddo (Patton Sanders x reader)

Description: Patton comforts you when you're feeling down

A/N: I was very upset a couple of nights ago and desperately needed some comforting so I decided to write an angsty Patton fic to help me cope lol

Warnings: hurt/comfort, angst, reader suffers from unspecified mental health issues, insecurity

You'd been crying all day, and the worst part of it was you didn't even know why. Everything just seemed to be too much; it was all overwhelming, the stress piling up little by little and threatening to suffocate you until you could barely breath.

Patton didn't really think all that much of it when you failed to show up for breakfast, knowing how difficult it was for you at times to get out of bed. He figured he'd asked you about it at lunch, but unfortunately you weren't there for that either.

By the time late afternoon rolled around he was starting to get worried. He knew how to give you your space, which you appreciated, but he also made it very clear that if he thought something was wrong he was going to check up on you and make sure you were alright. This is what led him to be standing outside your room minutes later, gently tapping on the door to alert you of his presence.

"Honey? It's me, Patton. Is everything alright?"

As much as you tried to silence the sobs in your response, you were certain he could hear at least some of them through the door.

"Y-yeah, I'm fine. Don't worry about it."

His heart shattered a little upon hearing the tiredness and suffering in your voice.

"Is it okay if I come inside, just for a little bit?"

When he didn't hear you respond, he took it as you wanting him to leave, until he heard a timid 'okay' coming from inside your room.

He gave you a second to change your mind before opening the door, and what he saw before him almost brought tears to his eyes.

You were wrapped up in one of your blankets, laying on your side as you cuddled one of your pillows close to your chest. Your eyes were puffy and red, and he could see spots of wetness on your cheeks from where you had recently been crying.

"H-hey Patton," your voice cracked even though it was barely above a whisper.

"Oh, kiddo," Patton cooed sympathetically, walking over to the bed and opening his arms up to you.

Somehow you found the strength to get up and crawl over to him, collapsing against him as you pulled him down onto the bed with you. Your arms wrapped tight around him and hugged at his torso, your face buried in his chest so he couldn't see that you'd started to cry again.

It was a lost cause, however, as there was no doubt he could feel your trembling body begin to shake while you sobbed into his chest, tears streaming down your cheeks.

"There, there, kiddo," he comforted you, holding you close. "It's okay, I've got you." He gently rubbed your back in an effort to help calm you down.

You clung onto him, afraid of what might happened if you let go of the one thing that was keeping you grounded to reality.

Patton felt his shirt become wet with your tears, but at that point he honestly couldn't care less. Right now his focus and worry was solely on you.

He continued whispering gentle praises to you until you'd calmed down a bit, as he was desperate to help you feel better.

"It's okay, kiddo, I've got you. I'm here. It's okay for you to cry."

"You love me, right? You promise that no matter what, you won't leave me, and you'll stay?" Your bottom lip trembled as you asked, and you felt as a few stray tears escaped the confines of your eyes and rolled down your face.

Patton cupped your cheek with one of his hands, wiping them away with his thumb. "I'm not going anywhere, honey, I promise."

Nodding, you leaned your head against his chest, seemingly content with his answer. "I'm sorry for inconveniencing you, and for being such a pain to comfort. I'm sure you have better things to do than deal with me."

"Kiddo, I love you, but I swear if you don't shut your ever flapping gobtalker I will physically fight you," he said, only half joking.

You let out the first real laugh in days in response to this. "Aw, Patton, you could never fight anyone. You're way too sweet. But I appreciate it nonetheless."

(I could have made this longer but I feel like now's a good place to stop it at lmao)

Sanders Sides masterlist | 🏷 taglist: @iloveentrapta

#sanders sides #sanders sides imagines #sanders sides imagine #sanders sides x reader #sanders sides angst #sanders sides fluff #patton sanders #patton sanders imagines #patton sanders imagine #patton sanders x reader #patton sanders angst #patton sanders fluff #sanders sides fic #patton sanders fic #gn reader #gender neutral reader #male reader #x gn reader #x male reader

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lemonade-ducks · 1 year

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#patton sanders #ts patton #patton sanders angst #pinterest #click for better quality #wallpaper #artemissmakeswallpaper #do not repost without credit

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angstycartoons · 2 years

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“Have you been gardening?”

Authors note: This one shot is still in beta this is not the final work please tell me if you have any criticism, thank you!

TW: Angsty, platonic Moceit, Mention of Remus

The side frowned. “Can I uh ask you something? I have a problem” the objectively less moral side thought for a second “You may come in however isn’t problem solving more the Nerdy Wolverine’s job?” Patton looked guilty. Janus got the picture. “Nevermind” the snake mumble. “Come in then” holding the door out for him.

As the father figure shuffled in he noticed the various arm warmers he had on. “What’s with the arm warmers?” He said with the hand gestures to match. “I actually wanted to ask you about that.” He responded nervously.

He took them off one by one reveling his arms. Or what would be his arms, instead there were various patches of frog skin sprinkled on his arm almost covering all of it. Janus was a bit surprised he would admit. “Can you- help me make them go away?” Janus decided he would at least toy with him. “Why? Embarrassed cause only dark sides show their animal parts?”

And at that Patton became a stuttering mess before breaking out into various apologys about him making them feel that way. “I was joking with you, Patton.” Janus responded with an eyeroll. All Patton returned was a small smile. “I will admit I would have thought with a puffball like you they’d go away by now. Regardless I’m afraid I can’t help you.” Patton looked like he wanted to throw up but nothing came of it. “I’m not just a puffball I’m Thomas’s feelings.” Patton responded quietly Janus felt a bit of guilt. “But” he started “I can give you this.” He then took of his glove and calmly handed it to Patton. The Father figures eyes lit up. “Really your glove!” Janus gave a smile. “Yes well can’t have you go around-“ he was interrupted by a hug. “Thank you, Janus!” Patton said. He slipped the glove on covering the various patches of frog skin. “How do I look?” The moral side smiled. “Like you’ve been gardening.” Janus said sarcastically. He smiled at The snake, thanking him again before running off. Much to the dismay of Janus he liked the feeling of being nice. “How ridiculous.” He scoffed before shutting his door.

Patton much preferred the Glove over the pile of arm warmers. He was surprised Janus had been so nice. Maybe they really were Chang- “Have you been gardening?” Pattons thought was interrupted. He turned around to see Logan behind him. “Oh Um yeah!” He stuttered obviously lying. Logan decided it wasn’t worth pressing on and shrugged moving along with whatever he was doing. Patton laughed a bit.

“Gardening?” He smiled “I should take that up as a hobby!”

#sander sides #patton sanders angst #patton sanders #deceit sanders #janus sanders #sander side fic #angst with a happy ending #angst

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randomnerd737 · 1 month

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I was thinking about the 5 year anniversary video and

it is interesting to me how Patton kind of decided for Logan what his role in the "family" would be. all the other sides chose it themselves, but he didn't get to.

even when he actively objects it's played for laughs and never addressed. this happened too when Patton revealed his name for him, and I just think it's interesting to note that after all these years, Logan still never gets to decide anything when it comes to Thomas, or even himself, to an extent. it's just kind of decided for him and he is expected to just go along with it, similar to how it was when Thomas dyed his hair.

ik it's mainly a "haha wine mom" moment, but that doesn't take away from how angsty it gets when you think about it.

#btw this is not meant as a judgement of Thomas as a creator #I just think it is an interesting character dynamic that leads to lots of angst #and seeing it shown so well and clearly is a treat #this also isn't Patton hate #I don't think he has any bad intentions #I think he is just a bit oblivious to how much his actions affect Logan #this is more of a general light sides not being the best to him thing #sanders sides #logan sanders #ts logan #logan angst #tw angst #tw alcohol #tw alchoholism mention #sasi #thomas sanders

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autisticl0gan · 11 days

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no one else can help you.

#sanders sides #patton sanders #my art #patton angst 4 the soul #enjoy!#based off the song “dream” by roar

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let-roman-bite-someone · 1 month

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thinking about how Virgil probably understands how Logan is feeling right now. how Logan feels like no one wants him around anymore, no one values his opinions, the other sides occassionally villanize him or act like he's the problem; and Virgil gets it. he knows exactly how it feels.

and that's why he doesn't make a big deal out of Logan jumping to conclusions about his present. it probably hurt Virgil to see Logan immediately assume that he didn't care enough to prepare a good present but in the end, all Virgil says is “and you thought I would just get you a newspaper”.

because he's been in this exact position before and in that moment, it was Logan who gave him some believable assurance that he is not unwanted, that his presence means something to the rest of them.

so when Logan jumps to a conclusion and assumes that Virgil doesn't like him all that much, Virgil doesn't take it personally. he's just returning the favor.

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rambling-prince-thoughts · 10 months

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rewatching selfishness vs selflessness for the 100th time in a row and there’s this one detail that i always notice. it hurts like a bitch every time i see it too.

in the scene where janus is questioning logan, he obviously takes advantage of the fact that logan had been forgotten by thomas and the rest of the sides when they all entered the courtroom scenario in the first place. logan was (rightfully and obviously) shocked to notice that they were enacting the scenario without him, logic, the person who would undoubtedly be the most excited to do so and would have the most knowledge about courtroom procedures.

but there is the moment where he says that there’s “always room for him” and janus responds with, “i know, that’s what i said! but patton insisted we leave you alone” and that moment sticks with me whenever i watch this episode.

logan immediately turns to look at patton with a surprised, hurt look on his face because he can’t believe that patton would say something like that about him. it’s true that him and patton don’t usually see eye to eye on things, but patton does value his input and they resolved most of their issues during the earlier stages of the sanders sides videos (although not completely).

i find that interesting because whenever janus targets logan, he always makes it a point to draw attention to the fact that logan isn’t very well liked, mostly because he embodies logic and claims not to feel anything, unlike the rest of the sides (who as thomas once put it, are too zany or relatable). he even calls out logan for this during the events of svs.

his “oh, of course you don’t” is dripping with sarcasm and janus is the lord of the lies, he would know when someone is lying. keeping that aside, it was obvious that a few minutes ago, janus’ lie about patton disregarding logan’s usefulness during the courtroom scenario hurt logan, so much so that it was visible on his face. roman’s comment of “did you see the look on his face?” was a nod to that.

so logan, in saying that he doesn’t feel anything, is lying about his own feelings.

additionally, it’s not the first time janus has used patton specifically to counteract logan and lie to him. the whole episode of “can LYING be good?” featured janus, disguised as patton, playing to logan’s likings via patton’s charm. it was evident from the first minute that logan appeared onscreen.

after that, he simply had patton reference famous philosophers, and logan clearly admired that because he seemed to be quite happy about it, even though virgil immediately became suspicious.

janus picked up on the fact that logan didn’t believe that patton would ever try to hurt him on purpose, and at least patton wouldn’t exclude him from things. that patton would listen to him. which makes it all the more sad that in svs redux, when logan said that philosophers would not agree with patton (after patton asked for his input), patton took the easy way out and pulled logan out of the situation.

it’s also why logan ignored patton when he tried to offer comfort after logan reappeared and said “i’m just here to deliver one last fact, then i will do you all a favour and spare you my company.” in fact, he ended up yelling over patton so he could get his point across and actually be heard.

i love logan and patton’s duo, and i really hope they resolve this during logan’s arc. in the meantime, sending love to our logical boy because he needs it.

(an unofficial part two to this post is now up, delving a little more into logan and patton’s relationship. i’ve hyperfixated on the glasses gays at this point /hj)

#sanders sides #rambling prince thoughts #logicality #logan angst #logan sanders #patton sanders #janus sanders #selfishness vs selflessness #logan really needs a break #someone please give him a hug too while you’re at it #the nerd is trying his best and we love him for it

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ascenari0 · 2 months

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do you guys think with Patton and Virgil’s crumbled friendship, that Patton ever looks back on the card Virgil gave him for Christmas?

#sanders sides #thomas sanders #patton sanders #virgil sanders #ts patton #ts virgil #sanders sides angst

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radar-chaos · 2 months

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A version without text for those of you who want to focus on the art.

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fangirlwriting-stories · 2 years

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One Chance To Make A First Impression

Summary: Roman and Janus have an unusual soulmate situation, in that they are soulmates with each other, and another person besides themselves. Having multiple soulmates isn’t looked on too highly, but that doesn’t stop them from being excited to meet their third soulmate.

Unfortunately, the day they end up doing that, Roman had been having a terrible time, and, well. You know what they say about first impressions.

Chapter 1/6:

...

Having two soulmates was not generally approved of, as Roman had learned young. Many people had given him disgusted looks based on the two sentences on his wrist. And they were two sentences. They weren’t different enough that there was any doubt about that, no matter what his mother wanted to say about it.

One of the sentences he now knew belonged to Janus, and Roman still laughed at how perfectly it fit him. Roman had stumbled into him in the hallway in ninth grade, they had nearly tripped over each other, and then Janus had caught him, before saying smoothly “Well, don’t fall for me all at once.”

Roman was still rather impressed with his own response, given the fact that he was suddenly processing meeting his soulmate: “Why complain, when you catch me so easily?”

The two sentences made a lovely pair, and they often enjoyed showing them off to people they felt safe with.

Unfortunately, it tended to stop with people they felt safe with, because not many people approved of the other sentence on their wrists. Janus’ said “Whoops, didn’t see you there, I’m running late,” which, while not promising for the amount of time they’d have when meeting their next soulmate, wasn’t anything like Roman’s. Roman’s concerned both of them.

“I’m sorry.”

“Maybe they just bump into you,” Remus, Roman’s twin brother, suggested. “Like, bump, ‘whoops, didn’t see you there, I’m running late, I’m sorry,’ and then rushes by both of you and you have to grab them and figure out where to meet up after whatever they’re doing.”

“Maybe,” Roman said, looking worriedly down at his wrist. “I just… there’s a billion other possibilities.”

“That’s the point,” Remus said. “There’s too many possibilities for you to know why they’re saying that. You shouldn’t stress over it. People say I’m sorry all the time, about totally stupid stuff. I said sorry to a chair when I knocked it over yesterday before I realized it wasn’t alive. This is probably just totally casual, automatic pleasantry shit that comes when you annoy a stranger. Stop stressing about it.”

Roman sighed. “Yeah, you’re right. Besides, I can’t spend my entire life worried about what’s going to happen when I meet my other soulmate. For one thing, it’d probably really piss this one off,” Roman said, leaning back against Janus’ chest, who was sitting behind him on the bed.

“Yes, I’m just furious,” Janus said, resting his head on top of Roman’s. “How dare you imply that I’m not enough for you by constantly worrying about someone you haven’t met yet. In fact, I’ve decided that we’re breaking up, you’re clearly not committed enough to this relationship.”

“No, don’t leave me, you still have all of my sweatshirts,” Roman deadpanned.

“Naturally, they’re big on me and I look adorable in them.”

“You do,” Roman cooed, turning over and kissing Janus on his nose, then his cheeks, then his forehead.

“Hey, I’m right here,” Remus said, glaring at both of them.

Roman tried to ignore the slight something else under his gaze by sticking his tongue out and snuggling into Janus’ arms again.

Janus worried about their soulmate’s first words to Roman too, though he didn’t admit it to Remus. The two of them had a chaos element going, and according to Janus, he wasn’t going to risk that by being emotionally vulnerable.

But when they were alone, and especially when one of them was staying over and they ended up snuggling under covers together, Janus would whisper quietly to Roman, “They’re okay, right?”

“I’m sure they’re fine,” Roman said, because when Janus got like this, what he really wanted was for Roman to comfort him while neither of them acknowledged that their worst fears might be true. Sometimes Roman would add on further, “And if they’re not, we’ll be there for them.”

Janus would agree, and then they’d both snuggle closer to hold each other. It would always make them feel better in the moment, but they both knew that it would never get rid of the worries there completely. Nothing would, until they met the third of their soulmate group and finally got to be happy together.

They went through the rest of high school without any meetings, though, and eventually they started looking at colleges together. Remus was a part of that, because though he may not be either of their soulmates in any way, he was still a part of their group, and a large part of Roman thought that college without his twin would be just awful. He also hadn’t met his soulmate Thomas yet, so he had nothing tying him to anything else.

And thankfully, they all found a place to go together, and Roman could rest easy on that particular point.

College was… interesting. It was full of much more open minded people than anyone in the small town Roman and Remus, and later Janus, had grown up in. But there were still a fair share of people who gave them looks once they learned that Roman and Janus had another soulmate. The people here didn’t say anything directly to them, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t tell.

As a result, the three of them ended up keeping more to themselves than Roman would have expected when they first got there. They had gotten closer to someone named Remy, who Remus had met and clicked with to the despair of both Janus and Roman. But other than him, they mostly tried to keep to themselves, which meant that when Roman did end up talking to people, it usually didn’t go well.

On this day in particular it had been going worse than usual. He began the day with a lovely text from his mother about tattoo parlors that could cover unwanted soulmarks, because no matter how many times Roman explained to her that he wanted both of his soulmates, she didn’t seem to get the picture.

He would have loved to curl up back in bed after that, but he had an early class, so he had to get up at that point and leave Janus curled up under the covers to sleep for another two hours like the lucky asshole he was.

When he eventually made it to the lecture hall, there were people from the church nearby standing outside and holding signs about staying with your soulmate being what was best for you; as well as listing people who dated other people, people who dated no one, and people with multiple soulmates all as examples of who was going to hell. Roman ducked his head and went into the building as quickly as possible, though thankfully none of them were directing any shouting at him specifically.

The day still didn’t improve from there, though. The story they’d read in preparation for that class had been about soulmates, meaning throughout the class the person they were going to end up with was mentioned several times, which wouldn’t normally have bothered Roman as much as it did, but he was already on edge from the text from his mother and the people outside, so he spent most of the class with his head propped up on his fist while glaring at the wall.

At least after class he could meet up with Janus and get coffee. Janus often waited outside the classroom with it on days that it wasn’t Roman’s turn to pay, meaning he was there today, which was good because Roman desperately needed him to be.

He pulled them both towards the back way out of the building, but before they got there, as soon as they were alone in a hallway, he turned and buried his chest in Janus’ shirt.

“Bad day?” Janus said, running his hands through Roman’s hair.

Roman mumbled something that was incomprehensible even to him.

“I have coffee,” Janus said, slipping a cup into Roman’s hand.

“You’re an angel,” Roman said, standing up in order to be able to take a sip of it. “Have I ever told you that you’re an angel?”

“Only every time you get sappy,” Janus said, taking Roman’s hand as they both started towards the exit again. “Which for you is a near constant.”

“Mm, well it’s true,” Roman said, pushing the door open.

Unfortunately, that was when he realized that the people from earlier must have followed a crowd and moved around to the other side of the building.

Roman groaned and buried his head in his hands.

“Oh, is this what we were trying to avoid?” Janus said, giving Roman a sympathetic pat on the back. “Alright, come on then.” He led them both around the group as quickly as they could manage, and they started towards Roman’s favorite haunt, over by a small pond with a gazebo that they liked to eat lunch in.

Roman still felt pretty tense as the voices behind them started to slowly fade, but Janus was helping, and he couldn’t help but wonder for a second how much easier things would be if it was just the two of them. He loved Janus, and the two of them were perfectly happy just like this. Would they have been happier if their third soulmate had never been theirs at all?

Roman sighed and took Janus’ hand again as they kept moving forward. Janus turned to look at him in concern when he sighed, but Roman kept looking ahead of them both just in time to see someone ram into Janus while carrying an armful of books.

Both Janus and the other person cried out in surprise, and Janus dropped his coffee, which splattered all over the ground below them.

“Whoops, didn’t see you there, I’m running late,” the person said, dropping to grab the books that had fallen before they got covered with coffee.

Roman realized that those were the other set of words on Janus’ wrist just as the person stood back up, and without thinking, he snapped, “We would have been fine without you.”

The person blinked.

“Roman!” Janus exclaimed, turning to glare at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? Please don’t mind him, he—” Janus stopped when he turned back to the other person.

Roman turned back to look at them, and a pit dropped into his stomach.

The person’s eyes had welled up with tears, and he’d started shaking all over. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, and Roman’s eyes widened as he realized that for this person, what he’d just said wouldn’t have only been a thoughtless comment that he didn’t really mean.

“Wait,” Roman said. “Wait, please I didn’t—”

Before he could say anything else, though, the other person turned and brushed past them both, starting to walk, then run in the other direction.

“No, wait, please!” Roman cried, turning desperately towards them. But they were already much too far away to hear them.

Roman was pretty sure he’d started shaking too at this point, and he pressed his hand over his mouth. “I— I didn’t—”

“Roman,” Janus said, turning and taking Roman by the shoulders. “Hey, Roman, look at me.”

“I didn’t mean that,” Roman whispered, tears starting to well in his own eyes. “Janus, I didn’t mean that.”

“I know you didn’t. I know that. Roman, look at me, you need to breathe.”

“But I didn’t— and he—and I—”

“I know, Roman,” Janus said, pulling Roman towards him and wrapping him in a hug. “I know.”

Roman’s own coffee slipped from his hand to join Janus’ on the ground, and he wrapped his arms around Janus and buried his head in his shoulder.

“It’s okay,” Janus murmured. “It’s going to be okay. We’ll find him again, we’ll explain, it’ll be okay.”

“That’s not— it’s not that easy,” Roman said, because those were the first words he’d said to that person, which meant that— that for his whole life he’d—

“It’s going to be okay,” Janus said again, and Roman realized what he was doing. This was their moment to lie to themselves, before they had to acknowledge to what colossal degree Roman had just fucked everything up. So Roman buried his head in Janus’ shoulder and cried as Janus murmured over and over again that it would be okay.

…

They found the person in the dining hall at lunchtime, which was probably why they were just meeting him now, since they almost never ate lunch here. The second the person looked up, and as soon as he saw them he started to push his chair back, probably to run again.

“No, please,” Roman said, holding out his hand, and the person stopped, still looking terrified. “Please, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean what I said.”

The person leaned back, still looking scared, but at least he wasn’t sprinting from the room, which was something.

“I—” Roman didn’t know what to say from there. It’s not like he could just introduce himself like this was a normal soulmate meeting.

Luckily for them, and thank heavens this was the case, Roman didn’t have to figure out this relationship all alone.

“Are you alright?” Janus said, sitting hesitantly down while pulling the chair back from the table so he wouldn’t be getting any closer to the other person.

“I— uh— I’m sorry, I didn’t—” the person said, looking between them both.

“You don’t need to apologize,” Roman said, holding up his hands when the person looked at him in fear. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

The person’s gaze turned a little confused. “But… you’re… you’re them. Aren’t you?”

Roman nodded. “I didn’t… I didn’t mean what I said,” he said. “I’m so sorry. I was having a really awful day, and I snapped and said something I didn’t mean.”

The person blinked. “Something you didn’t…” he blinked again, looking like Roman had just tilted his entire world off axis with two sentences. He didn’t say anything else for a very long moment.

“I’m… Roman,” Roman said hesitantly. He gestured to his left. “This is Janus.”

The person shook his head. “You… but you said… I thought…”

“I can imagine,” Janus said gently. “I’m so sorry things ended up this way. But neither of us hate you. We’ve been looking forward to meeting you.”

The person shook his head again, tears welling in his eyes. “No,” he said. “No, you haven’t. You said— you—” He took a shaky breath and pressed his hands over his eyes.

Roman looked over at Janus, lost as to what to do here.

“Okay,” Janus said, and the person looked up again. “I imagine this is overwhelming. So how about…” He grabbed one of Roman’s notebooks that he still had from class, and Roman handed him a pencil too once he realized what he was doing. Janus scribbled both of their phone numbers down, tore out the paper, and passed them back to the person.

“Whenever you’re ready,” Janus said, as the person hesitantly accepted it. “It doesn’t… it doesn’t have to be anytime soon,” he gave a shaky smile. “But please know we really are looking forward to hearing from you.”

With that, he took Roman’s hand, and they both headed out of the cafe, leaving the person alone.

As soon as they made it outside the building, Roman moved to the side and collapsed against the wall.

“Roman,” Janus said instantly. “Hey.”

“We don’t even know his name,” Roman murmured.

“It’s okay,” Janus said. “It’ll be okay. We did everything we could right now.”

Roman buried his head in his hands.

“Stop it,” Janus said, pulling his hands down. “Stop blaming yourself.”

Roman stared up at him. “It’s my fault.”

“It’s not— okay, yes, but not to the extent you’re thinking,” Janus said. “If this was any other situation, you’d have to apologize for saying a shitty thing after a bad day and then move on.”

“But it’s not any other situation,” Roman said. “It’s this one.”

“Roman, it’s not your fault those words are on his wrist.”

“Yes it is!”

“No, it’s not. Again, you’re at fault for saying a shitty thing after a bad day, which you apologized for as soon as you possibly could. You cannot be held responsible for a person’s entire life. It is not your fault those words are on his wrist.”

Roman shook his head, tears welling in his eyes again. “We don’t know how he was affected by that. Janus, it looks like I really hurt him.”

“So we’ll help him,” Janus said, leaning their foreheads together. “Remember? What we were totally prepared to do anyway? It’ll be okay, Roman. Maybe not immediately, but eventually we’ll be okay.”

“You don’t know that,” Roman whispered.

Janus sighed. “You’re right, I don’t,” he admitted. “But you’re not alone in this. None of us are. We’re all going to work through it together.”

“If he even wants that,” Roman said. “If I didn’t ruin our entire chance with him before we even met.”

“You didn’t,” Janus said firmly. “That’s not possible, Roman.”

“Really, because it looks like that’s what just happened,” Roman said, gesturing behind them.

“You don’t know that, Roman. You’re jumping to conclusions. It’s perfectly understandable if he needs some time to process after everything that just happened. As a matter of fact, I suggest we do the same.”

Roman blinked. “What?”

“Let’s go home, Roman. It’s been a very difficult day, and we should go home and rest.”

“Oh,” Roman said weakly. “Yeah, that… let’s do that.” He rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands and looked up at Janus again when he lowered them. “I’m sorry. Are you okay?”

“Worry about you right now, darling,” Janus said, leaning over and giving Roman a light kiss on the forehead. “I’ll be okay.”

Roman pulled Janus into his arms for a second anyway, squeezing him tightly. “Thank you,” he mumbled. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Janus said, squeezing Roman back just as tightly. “We’re gonna make it through this, alright?”

Roman made a muffled noise of affirmation, and then they both started home.

…

Remus, who didn’t have any classes that day like the lucky fucker he was, was understandably surprised when both of them came back looking like a wreck. He wasn’t less concerned when he heard what happened, but he did take one more look at them both and announce that they were ordering pizza that night for dinner and eating it and ice cream in front of all the best movies Dreamworks had to offer.

Roman, naturally, immediately started arguing for Disney instead, but he suspected Remus’ real plan was to get them focused on something else, and he’d hand it to him, it worked.

They did end up getting pizza and ice cream and eating their feelings away in front of The Little Mermaid (and then Shrek, because Remus earned it by trying to cheer them up). Roman managed to mostly get his mind off of their soulmate throughout the course of the evening, at least until Janus suddenly reached for the remote in the middle of the movie, paused it, and passed his phone to Roman.

Roman blinked down at it for a couple seconds before he realized what was on the screen.

(919) 867-5309: My name’s Patton

(919) 867-5309: I think I might need a little time to process

(919) 867-5309: Saturday? Do-over?

Roman took a shaky breath and nodded. “Saturday,” he said weakly. “I can do Saturday.”

“Me too,” Janus said, as Remus peered over his shoulder to look at the phone. “You want to meet at the coffee shop by the library?”

“Yeah,” Roman said. “Let’s do that.”

Janus nodded and started responding to Patton.

“See, look at that,” Remus said, Roman glanced over at him. “You guys are fixing things already. You’re gonna be okay.”

“I don’t think it’s going to be that easy,” Roman said.

“It’s a start,” Remus said. “You’ve got this.”

“It’s definitely not all going to be easy,” Janus said with a nod. “But for now we just have to explain what’s happened, and get to know each other just like you and I did. It’s gonna be okay.”

“Exactly,” Remus said, smiling at Janus. “It’s all gonna work out.”

Roman snuggled closer to Janus’ side and rested his head on his shoulder. “I hope you’re right,” he said.

At that point none of them really wanted to think about it more for the rest of the night, so Janus turned the movie back on and all three of them ended up in a cuddle pile in the middle of the couch, doing their best to relax.

It worked alright for that night, but with their new plans to meet on Saturday, Roman found it difficult to focus on much else for the rest of the week. When Saturday finally approached, he and Janus were both equally a wreck. Roman spent most of the morning pacing around the house, and Janus spent it cooking an absurd amount of food in the kitchen.

“I’ll be here as soon as you get back,” Remus said, from his spot on the couch between them both. “We can celebrate, or have a pity party, or some weird hybrid of the two depending on how it goes.”

“Thank you, Remus,” Janus said, giving him a grateful smile that lingered just a second too long, which Roman wasn’t going to comment on.

“Thanks,” Roman agreed, because he didn’t think there was much Remus could do to calm them down completely, but he appreciated how hard he was trying.

They left after lunch, since they’d all planned to meet there at 1:00, and both of them agreed they did not want to make Patton wait.

They got there with plenty of time to spare, which wasn’t great for Roman’s nerves as their decided time approached.

“You don’t think he decided not to come, right?” Roman asked.

Janus shook his head. “No, I don’t. He’ll be here.”

“I mean if he did decide not to come that would be totally understandable considering—”

“Roman, I think he’ll be here,” Janus said gently.

Roman took a deep breath, and nodded. “Yeah,” he said, trying to convince himself more than agreeing. “I think you’re probably right.”

“Roman, it’s about time you learned that I’m always right,” Janus said, giving him a teasing smirk.

Roman laughed a little. “I love you,” he said, reaching out and grabbing Janus’ hand.

“I love you too,” Janus said, bringing it up to his mouth and kissing it.

Roman smiled at him, but before he could say anything else, the door finally opened, and the person he now knew as Patton walked in.

Janus picked up on Roman’s look and turned to look too, just in time for two other people that Roman did not recognize to follow Patton in.

They were clearly with Patton, though, because as soon as Patton saw the two of them, he said something quietly to the one in the purple hoodie, and all three of them started over.

“Um. Hi,” Patton said as he stopped in front of the table.

Roman nodded. “Hi,” he said quietly.

“I’m glad to see you again,” Janus said, giving Patton his most sincere smile.

The one in the purple hoodie scoffed, but Patton gave him a look before he could say anything.

“I… I am too,” he said, still sounding hesitant. He looked nervously at the other two people, and the one who had glasses like Patton nodded at him. Patton nodded again, more to himself, then turned back to face Roman and Janus.

“So, um, I’m Patton,” he said. He pointed to the person with the purple hoodie, and then the one with the glasses and dress shirt. “This is Virgil, and Logan. They’re, uh…”

“We’re his boyfriends,” Virgil snapped, crossing his arms and raising an eyebrow. “You don’t have a problem with that, do you?”

…

Chapter Two

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royall-ass · 18 days

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i was rewatching svs and i love how janus just yells hes such a silly guy in that episode

#sanders sides #sanders sides fanart #tss fanart #patton sanders #patton sanders fanart #tss patton #tss patton fanart #i cant draw tears i know they suck #this isnt angst unless u want it to be #i just saw something silly on pinterest #pretend hes in the courtroom during svs #this is the real reason logan wanted to be the lawyer #cuz patton is to emotional

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savesavva · 1 month

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in addition to that one post about janus's dolls

#fanart #artwork #sketch #sanders sides #patton sanders #janus sanders #moceit #i cant live in peace without angst can i

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a-small-batch-of-dragons · 1 month

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How Romantic

what if a side did get forgotten? they got pushed to the side enough (maybe by the others being in a relationship, maybe by other conflicts) and the mindscape started to remove the "unnecessary" influence – doteddestroyer

Read on Ao3

Warnings: fading/ducking out, but he's fine

Pairings: none, so gen

Word Count: 4777

Romanticism emphasized the individual, the subjective, the irrational, the imaginative, the personal, the spontaneous, the emotional, the visionary, and the transcendental. When Roman is forgotten as a part of Creativity, well, what use does the Imagination have for a prince when it can simply put the Romantic into its work in other ways? Remus has a few things to say about that.

It shouldn’t be all that surprising, really, to think that if a Mind forgets something, it will no longer manifest. Or rather, to not think of it. Or, one could imagine the consequences of not imagining something.

Listen, Roman’s already mostly out the door, he doesn’t have enough cognitive function left to think his way in and out of all the contradictions that arise from the things he says.

The basic principle is this: if a thing is no longer relevant in the Mindscape, which is a consequence of people not thinking about it, then it ceases to exist. The Mindscape doesn’t put the energy into making it a thing. Think of it like a video game. The game only renders the part of the role that the player is currently in, there’s no use for it to render the secret dungeon buried in the third level of the side quest that hardly anyone knows about. It’s more efficient if it doesn’t and in the incredibly slim chance that the player does end up there, then the game can render it and it’ll be fine and it’ll de-load as soon as they leave to go back to the main game.

Got it?

Great.

So, that’s where Roman is right now. In his room, waiting to be de-loaded. He has his Prince costume on, because that’s the version of him that’s going to fade last, his room is all made up in his signature red: red curtains, red comforter, red pillowcases, red notebook laid on his desk. He’s even got his sword out for a final sharpening—no, that’s not a dirty joke, he’s not that Creativity, he’s literally just taking care of the katana—as he waits for the telltale shudder of the Mindscape forgetting something.

He hums absentmindedly to himself as the whetstone sings against the blade. Really, it’s surprising it’s taking this long. Well, not really. Forgetting things is a slow process, it’s not like you can snap your fingers and poof, something’s gone. At the very least, it has to be long enough that something else has taken its place in your mind, and then when you look, you can’t even tell that something was ever missing from it.

Remus has that handled. And Roman will fight anyone who says that’s just because he’s intrusive thoughts, or whatever, no, Remus is memorable all on his own, thank you very much. He’s far cleverer than they all give him credit. And Roman wishes he was half as quick as Remus.

Again, not an innuendo. That’s not his thing, remember?

And Remus isn’t bound by the same creative limits he is! He can run wild—literally, if they let him—and come up with the most incredible things that open up all sorts of new possibilities for what they could do, what they can talk about, what sorts of things they could explore. Isn’t that so much better than just regurgitating the same story idea, over and over and over, doesn’t that get exhausting? How can you imagine something new when all you’re able to do is ricochet around the same blank boring box?

His hand shudders a little as it moves back up the blade. He never liked creative blocks.

And how nice would it be to have a Creativity that wasn’t bound to the fragility of the Ego? How much better, how much easier would it be if you didn’t have to worry about getting bruised and hurt every single time you got feedback on something you made? Making things is hard, you know, it’s vulnerable and terrifying and mortifying especially when you’re showing the end product to someone—and even if you aren’t! Even if it sits on a shelf in your room or a folder on your computer and it never, ever sees the light of day, that’s still scary! You’ve made something, it exists now because of you, and now someone could look at it and see you through it and—and—

Well. You get the idea.

Roman sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. He puts the katana away and places the whetstone back in its little box. As he goes to pick it up, it falls through his hands and hits the floor with a low thud.

Ah. So it is starting after all.

He leaves the box on the floor and goes back to the bed. He lies down, not sinking very much at all into his red covers. He folds his hands on his chest and stares up at the ceiling.

It makes sense, after all, that the parts of him the others don’t know about—or have already forgotten about—are going first. The whetstone. They know he has a sword. They probably don’t know how he takes care of it. His bed is red, and he’s the color red, so it’s still here. His room, his prince costume, his desk, all things he needs to be Creativity, or at least half of Creativity, so it will probably go last too.

He lets his head loll to the side, staring at his red notebook. bits of grey begin to enter his vision, the red notebook standing out like a sore thumb. He wonders if any of the things written on its pages would still be there if he looked.

He did love that notebook. It was his friend when no one else would be his friend. It was there for him when it wasn’t okay for him to have someone there for him, when he’d messed up too much to deserve comfort from anyone else, he would go to the notebook. Mainly because the notebook didn’t have a choice.

He’s written a small thing the other day about that, actually. He wonders if it’s still there. If he closes his eyes, maybe he can remember it.

Why don’t you talk to me?; you’re unkind to me; why don’t you talk to me?; I tried and you turned it into a lecture; why don’t you talk to me?; you make fun of me when I try to express how I’m feeling; why don’t you talk to me?; I tried to ask you for help and you turned it into a game of who could mock me the most until I ran away; why don’t you talk to me?; because you were still laughing when I ran away crying; why don’t you talk to me?; because you made me feel guilty for needing help; why don’t you talk to me?; because you made me feel ashamed for wanting support and comfort; why don’t you talk to me?; I don’t want to be in trouble; why don’t you talk to me?; I want to be hurt and upset and have that be okay because I got hurt by something; why don’t you talk to me?; the loneliest time in the world is right before you tell someone else what you did wrong because you know they won’t want to comfort you anymore; why don’t you talk to me?; it’s cold here; why don’t you talk to me?; I just want to be alone now; why don’t you talk to me?; I learned my lesson already; why don’t you talk to me?; what would I have to say?; why don’t you talk to me?; tell me the right words to use so you’ll actually care about me; why don’t you talk to me?; I don’t want to; why don’t you talk to me?; I don’t trust you anymore; why don’t you talk to me?; why would I talk to you?

Ah, that’s it.

His melodrama will probably be the last thing to go too.

He sighs, rubbing his cheek half-heartedly against the pillow in search of some meager comfort. He hasn’t been forgotten enough that the pain that lingers in his chest and hands has gone away, though he’s not sure how. He doesn’t think anyone knows about that—except maybe Remus.

Oh, Remus.

Roman’s chest burns and he gasps, sudden tears coming to the corners of his eyes. He doesn’t want to leave his brother, not after everything they’ve been through, not after all the work they’ve done to get back to the place they’re at now, after all this time, not when they’re finally brothers again. He sniffles, going to wipe his nose and his hands just start to ache. He curls up on the bed, around his pained hands, weeping for himself, for his brother, for Creativity.

Enough of his mind remains to put the pieces together and realize oh, of course. In forgetting everything else, I have been left with the things that I am at my core.

Pain in his chest and hands and an undying love for his brother.

A more complete Creativity might’ve called it Romantic.

***

Thomas sighs. To say that most of these meetings go well would be a lie, but this meeting is not going well.

“Look, all I’m saying is that—“

“Well, that’s your problem right there, you’ve been doing an awful lot of ‘saying’ and not a lot of ‘listening.’”

“Your sass, as delightful as it is, kiddo, is not helpful right now.”

“Oh, really? And here I thought it was the most pivotal thing at the moment.”

“No, it’s not, because it’s taking valuable time from—“

“Sarcasm, Patton. That was sarcasm.”

“And see! That’s another thing—“

“Oh, for the love of Archimedes…”

Yeah. not going well. Thomas pinches the bridge of his nose, trying to figure out what this conversation started with and how exactly they ended up here.

Right, okay.

He’d gotten a text from a friend about a thing they wanted to go do. The problem was, the thing cost money to do and the friend hadn’t said anything about paying for Thomas to come. His finances weren’t awful but it wasn’t like he had the amount of money to just…spare. Logan had suggested they ask and confirm who would be paying the entrance fee, Virgil had worried that it was rude to ask something like that, Janus had proposed a number of ways they could ‘surreptitiously’ ask about it, and Patton had worried about going at all if they were going to be guilt-tripped into it or if the friend had just assumed Thomas would be fine paying for it.

It had…developed from there.

“Look,” Logan says, “there is a very simple way to ask whether or not Thomas is to pay for his own entrance fee. We simply text or call them back and ask.”

“But what if they freak out about it? That’s a weird thing to ask!”

“How is it a weird thing to ask?”

“They might think we’re trying to freeload, or that we’re going to ask them to pay us back, or what if they think that we’re broke?”

“Hey!” Patton puts his hands on his hips. “You are not broken, kiddo, and I won’t stand for you saying that you are!”

“…not what I meant, but thanks, I guess.”

Janus rolls his eyes. “Well, if we’re this stressed out about a simple invitation to something we want to go to anyway, perhaps we should reconsider whether we want to be friends with them at all.”

“Now that’s a bit of an overreaction.”

“Sarcastic! I was being sarcastic!’

Yeah. That’s about where they are now. Out of sheer desperation, if nothing else, he glances over at Remus. Remus’s arms are hanging over the TV, swinging his hands as he grins at the chaos unfolding. He catches Thomas’s gaze and tilts his head in a silent question. Thomas gestures weakly around and Remus shrugs.

“I voted we just go without paying, but apparently that’s illegal or something.”

“Yeah, buddy, that’s…we’re not gonna do that.”

Remus shrugs. “Suit yourself.”

“Alright, look,” Thomas says, raising his voice enough to speak over the current argument about—you know what, he’s not even gonna ask— “this isn’t going anywhere. If we’re going to figure out what we are actually going to do, we need to think about this differently.”

“It’s a simple issue, Thomas.”

“And yet, we’ve been talking for close to an hour and we’ve made zero progress.” Thomas rubs his forehead. “Look, where’s Roman?”

There’s a pause.

“Roman?” Patton frowns. "Why would we need Roman?”

“Well, you know, he’s…also Creativty? Maybe he can help us think of something we’re not thinking of?”

“Remus is also Creativity,” Logan says, indicating Remus who gives a cheery little wave. “His suggestions have been…well, we’ve ruled them out.”

“That’s because you guys are no fun.”

“Yeah, but Roman is a different Creativity. Doesn’t it make sense that what he’d come up with would be different.”

Logan adjusts his glasses. “I suppose so.”

“Why didn’t he show up today, does anyone know?”

“Perhaps he is working on another video idea.”

“Maybe he got lost in the Imagination? Happens to me all the time.”

“Maybe he slept in. God knows he harps on about his ‘beauty sleep’ enough.”

“Janus? Remus? What about you two?”

“Why would I bother to keep track of anything Roman does?” Thomas narrows his eyes at him and Janus sighs, rolling his eyes. “No, I don’t know where he is or why he didn’t bother to show up, nor do I much care.”

“Janus!”

“What?”

Patton puts his hands on his hips. “Don’t be so dismissive, how would you like it if someone said that about you?”

”I don’t know, Virgil, how would I like it?”

“Hey, leave me out of this, I don’t have anything to do with whatever the heck this is.”

Thomas just barely suppresses a deep sigh and looks over at Remus. Remus, however, is not relishing in the argument breaking out between the three of them. Instead, he’s staring off into the corner, frowning hard.

“Remus? You okay, buddy?”

“Why can’t I remember the last time I saw Roman?”

Thomas frowns. That manages to get the attention of the others—somehow—and a hush falls over the room as they all think about it.

“Well, it can’t have been that long ago,” Patton says, “we saw him for movie night on the, um…when we watched the…”

”No, it was more recent than that,” Logan says, “he had come down to breakfast to make us those muffins.”

“Right, right, that’s right. When, uh, when was that?”

“Well, it was…”

Logan trails off into silence. Remus looks around at all of them. “Think about it: when was the last time any of us actually saw Roman? Can any of us actually remember?”

Thomas watches with muted horror as all of them slowly shake their heads.

“Fuck.”

“Language, kiddo,” Patton scolds, “anyway, I’m sure this is just a big misunderstanding.”

“That’s right,” Logan says, “after all, it’s hardly the first time Roman has been absent.”

“Yeah, but he normally tells someone where he’s going,” Virgil mutters, “especially if it’s gonna be for a while.”

“Okay, the last time I definitely saw Ro was three weeks ago when we fed Ollie.”

“He helped me put up new cat posters in my room. I think it was…it was before we did that full moon thing, so that was a month ago?”

“He—jeez, I think I passed him in the hallway at, like, stupid o’clock around a week ago, but I was…pretty out of it.”

“We had a brief meeting about the upcoming script last week. That’s the last time I remember seeing him for certain.”

“Don’t look at me,” Thomas protests when all eyes turn in his direction, “I don’t see him outside of these meetings and the last time we had one of those was like, two months ago.”

“Janny? What about you?”

Janus sighs, idly examining one of the seams on the tip of his finger. “I think you’re all being overdramatic.”

“Roman is missing, Janus,” Logan says with a bit of bite to his words, “I don’t think ‘overdramatic’ is an accurate description.”

“Yeah, especially since none of us can remember the last time we saw him.”

“Oh, please,” he sighs, “it’s Roman. Do you really think something so horrible could happen to him that he’d disappear and he wouldn’t tell anyone about it?”

A beat.

“…shit.”

“Yeah, that sounds like Roman.”

”Alright,” Virgil says, getting up, “Thomas, don’t respond yet. They’ll think you’re working or something. Remus, go check the Imagination.”

“On it!”

“Logan, go see if he’s in the library, J, check the Dark Side’s living room.” The two of them nod and sink out. “Pat?”

“Yeah?”

“We’re gonna go to his room and see if he’s in there.”

“Okay.” Patton glances at Thomas. “Can you…can you feel anything?”

Thomas frowns, putting a hand on his chest. He moves it to the other side.

“Are you checking for your pulse or something?”

“No, normally when I think about Roman, like I’m gonna summon him or something, there’s this, like, warmth? It’s like something in my chest that just—it’s hard to explain.” He moves his hand back. “But I can’t…I can’t feel it right now.”

“Oh, that’s probably not good.”

”We should go.”

“Hey, if it ever feels like you can summon him again? Do it, then get the rest of us back.”

Thomas nods, watching as Virgil grabs Patton and they sink out. He sits slowly on the couch, staring into the middle distance as he keeps moving his hand around his chest. It’s strange; he normally doesn’t even have to put a hand to himself to feel where Roman is. He wasn’t lying before, it really is like this warmth that just lives in his chest, like a second heart almost, one that doesn’t really beat so much as just exist there. Like it’s reminding him that he’s, you know, a human with feelings and wants and desires and that’s okay.

Oh, Roman, buddy, where are you?

***

Remus steps into the Imagination and his knees almost buckle immediately.

Bluish-black storm clouds gather and bruise a dark grey sky overlooking a massive craggy cliff rising impossibly high. Vividly green grass and terribly purple flowers bloom deep inside the crevices of the rocks lining the path in front of him, the smell of fresh rain hanging so heavy that it seems it would fall any moment. In the distance he can see evergreens, smell them even though they must be miles away, and another mountain rising behind them with thin, wispy clouds stretching red fingers over its peak. The ground is warm under him, as though he were standing over an active volcano, but he can see and hear and smell the river that flows by just to the side of him, and the breeze that comes from it is cool and damp. His fingers twitch. So does his nose. He takes a deep, deep breath and takes a step forward.

With every step he takes, the more an uncertain feeling takes root at the base of his stomach. it’s too sweet to be panic, too frenzied to be melancholy, and too lonely to be wonder. He keeps walking. The Imagination is always impossibly vivid, impossibly beautiful, but something about this feels…different.

His chest feels tight.

As he moves past a larger collection of boulders, he rounds the corner as he spots a tree. A massive tree, one where the branches curl outwards and upwards like color diffusing into clear water. Some part of Remus—a part that sounds a lot like Logan, if he’s being honest—mutters how a tree like this couldn’t exist, not in these mountains, not with its roots in these rocks. And yet, here it grows all the same. He moves toward it, the tightness in his chest growing with every step.

At the base of the tree lies the hilt of a katana.

“R-Ro?” Remus collapses in front of the tree, shaking hands touching the trunk. The bark flakes away under his fingers and the smallest glimmers of gold shine up. “Roro…oh, Ro, what happened?”

“Remus? Remus!”

“Whoa, what the hell is this place?”

Remus can’t tear his eyes away from the tree long enough to see them but he can hear the others rush up behind him. He just paws weakly at the trunk and Logan’s muffled gasp is all he needs to hear before he starts sobbing.

“Oh, no,” Logan mumbles, “Roman’s…something’s happened to Roman. He’s—Remus, has he Faded? Or is this something else?”

“He’s been Forgotten,” Remus sobs, “the—the Imagination put him back where—where he wasn’t Roman anymore and he’s—he’s—“

Another sob leaves his throat.

“I want my brother back!”

“But we remember him,” Patton says, “we—we do, he’s Roman, we want him back, why—why is he here still?”

“I don’t think he knows we’re here,” Virgil says, glancing around, “I think he’s—I think he’s here sort of, but not in the Roman we know.”

“So what do we do? How do we get him back?”

Remus is still touching the tree. The clouds overhead start to rumble with distant thunder. He presses himself up against it, hugging it tightly.

“Come back, Ro-bro,” he mumbles into the bark, “came back, I want you to come back.”

“Logan? What do we do?”

“There has to be a reason he’s manifesting like this, doesn’t there?” Logan turns around, looking at the mountains, the sky, the river, the rocks, the tree. “Nature, the natural world, he’s become a tree so some kind of growth? Reincarnation? Transcendence?”

“Maybe it has more to do with Roman?” Janus’s against the bark near Remus’s head. “Creativity? Ego? Romance?”

“Romance…Romance…Romance, of course, Roman’s Romance!”

“What about this seems particularly romantic to you?”

“That’s it, it’s not romantic, it’s Romantic. The Romantic movement, the whole—oh, Roman,” Logan says softly, resting his hands on the trunk too, “I’m sorry that you didn’t feel like you could talk to us.”

“How in the hell are you getting all of that from Roman being a tree?”

”The Romantic period was in reaction to the balance and calm of the Classical. Heightened emotion, the irrational, the subjective, all of these became key themes. It was far more important to preserve the spirit and individuality of the artist rather than any sort of adherence to strict rules or traditional procedures.” Logan’s hand runs over the bark. “As well as a focus on the inner struggles of the exceptional figure.”

“And Princey’s the exceptional figure?”

”In a manner of speaking.” Logan presses his other hand to the tree too. “Roman? Are you here?”

A breeze ruffles through the leaves.

“Was that him?” Patton rushes forward and touches the tree. “Roman? Roman, kiddo, are you there?”

Another low boom of distant thunder and it starts to rain.

“Quick, everyone touch the tree.” Everyone puts their hands on it. ‘Roman? Roman, can you feel that? We’re all here, we’re all right here.”

The thunder grows louder. They wait there with bated breath as the tree rustles in the breeze, until Janus, who hadn’t clutched down with the rest of them, hears a crackle from up in the clouds.

“Get back!”

They all fling themselves away just as lightning strikes the tree, the very top of it catching fire as the trunk splits down the middle. Jagged bits of wood just into the open air like fractured ribs. And there, in the center of the splitting trunk—

—is Roman.

“Ro!” Remus howls and dives forward, wrenching his brother’s body out of the tree and dragging him to lie on the flat stone. “Ro, wake up, wake up, you have to be okay, you have to be!”

“…Re?”

Remus sobs again, throwing his arms around Roman who looks up at them with quiet confusion.

“What’s going on?”

“You left,” Janus spits, “you vanished and we didn’t know where you were so we had to come look for you.”

“J,” Virgil says lowly, before crouching down, “you went missing, Roman. We couldn’t find you. Why, uh, why were you in a tree?”

Roman frowns. “I don’t know. I…I was in my room, and you were forgetting me—“

“What do you mean, we were forgetting you?”

Roman blinks. “You were forgetting me. You were going to Remus. Remus is the Creativity that’s helping more. You weren’t thinking about me.”

“That’s not true,” Patton mumbles, horrified, even as Roman gestures around with a wordless if it wasn’t, we wouldn’t be here, “we…we love you, Roman.”

Roman just shrugs. “Maybe.”

“What do you mean, ‘maybe?’” Janus splutters. “That’s not a thing you get to say maybe about, Roman.”

Roman doesn’t even flinch, just turns slightly so he can rest his head against Remus’s.

“You don’t even have anything to say for yourself?”

“Janus,” Logan says sharply, “that’s enough.”

”Roman disappears, he turns into a tree, he says we’re forgetting him and that we don’t love him, and we’re just supposed to accept it?” Janus throws his hands up. “How are you three so calm about this?”

“I’m not calm, but I’m not going to make this about me right now!”

“Janus,” Roman says softly and they instantly fall quiet, “you’re right. I’m sorry. I don’t know how I became a tree. I didn’t mean to imply you guys had forgotten me entirely. I shouldn’t have said you don’t love me.”

Janus’s eyebrows raise in surprise. He huffs a little awkwardly and folds his arms. “Well. Good.”

”Are…we done now?”

“What? No, Princey, we’re not done, we—“ Virgil runs a hand through his hair— “you turned into a tree. After you vanished. How the hell are we—what do we do now?”

Roman shrugs.

Remus, who has been lying on top of Roman for this whole thing, feels one of the hands under him begin to meld with the stone. He draws back, alarmed, only for Roman’s fingers to come free and lace with his. He squints at Roman’s face, noticing the barely-there tremble of his lip, and whips around to face the other three.

“You three. Fingers. Ears. Song. Now.”

‘What?”

“Do it!”

It takes them a second but they begrudgingly put their fingers in their ears and start mumbling things to avoid listening. Remus glares at them for a moment longer before turning back to Roman.

‘Hey,” he whispers, “what’s wrong?”

Roman’s lip trembles again. “They’re still here,” he whispers back, “I just—I just want to hurt.”

‘What do you mean?”

“They’ll be mad at me for whatever’s going on, they’ll—I don’t want them to explain or tell me how what I’m doing is bad, or anything like that. I don’t want their—I don’t want their comfort,” Roman whispers, his voice getting thick, “I just want to be hurt by myself and have that be okay.”

“Of course that’s okay, Ro.”

“Because they did forget me. It’s not your fault or anything but they did and it hurts, Re—“

“I know, I know, shh, shh, hey, hey,” he says, “let’s do this: we need to go tell good old Thomathy that we found you, so let’s you and me go do that and then we can have our own cat pile wherever you want, okay? Just you and me. The others can you suck a tree branch.”

“Won’t they be mad?”

“Tell you what: you go to Thomas right now, I’ll deal with them, and then I’ll come after.”

“…I’m sorry I left again, Re.”

“Pshh. Water under the Kraken.”

***

Thomas shoots up from the couch as Roman rises up in his normal place.

“Roman! You’re okay!” He yes the scratches as bruises from the tree. ‘Well, mostly.”

Roman rubs the back of his head. “Yeah. I’m…sorry.”

“Whoa, hey, it’s okay, buddy. As long as you’re okay.”

Roman blinks. “Wait, really?”

‘Yeah, bud. You, uh…it looks like you’ve been through some stuff.”

“…that’s one way to put it.”

“Do you, uh talk about it?”

“Not really.”

‘Okay.”

“Wait, you’re sure?”

‘Yeah. It’s your business. I, uh, I’ll be here if you do want to?”

“Thanks, Thomas.”

“Of course, buddy. You’re great.” Thomas scratches the back of his head too. ‘I know we, uh, haven’t always been the best at saying stuff out loud to each other, that’s normally what the others do, but…you know I’d never replace you for anything, right?”

Roman smiles. He really, truly smiles. And for just a moment, the entire Mindscape fades away, leaving just the two of them standing in this one little room. A man and his Ego, smiling at each other.

The setting sun peeks in through the blinds and the room glows with a rich, bright red.

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