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power-house-fan12 · 4 years

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I don't own these characters but Black lotus

Don't own video

Hero name Black lotus the kunoichi hero

Student name Fujikawa Miki

Class 2-A

Height 4ft9

Weight 125 pounds

Age 16

Birthday November 2

blood type B

Voice actor

English: Dani Chambers

Japanese: Mika kanai

Power 6/5

Speed 6/5

Technique 5/5

Intelligence 4/5

Cooperativeness 3/5

Fighting style ninjutsu, mixed martial arts,Kung fu, jeet kune do

Hair color Sky blue long soft spiked (Soon it was cut short) with long bangs

Eye color white (people mistaken her for being blind)

Outfit: Black crop Chinese's top with hood with red thread, white wrapping top, Black puffy pants with red sash, Armored carbon fiber gloves, red wrapping on leg.

New outfit carbon fiber top wrapping, black hakama, carbon fiber leg wrapping, white ninja tool belt. Red scarf

Quirk Dark Beast

Her body is 60% cover in a dark shadow skin allowing her to have sharp claws and feet with that and possible more, the skin can rearrange in her will. She has four forms she is in, the first is beta mode which she is always, the second is battle mode which her claws are sharp and talons, third is beast mode her muscles brew little longer for to get a bit taller and her teeth will become sharp, finally fourth is berserk mode where her back grows fins and her hair becomes wild and she becomes more dangerous. Her face can change since it's also on there too. If using too much she goes insane and passes out. This is cause by a quirk re wiring

Miki comes from a family of fighters knowing the art of ninjitsu and where the first born child inherited the quirk with this it cause them to feel like outsiders, her mother was a pro hero name the white lotus who was close to other heroes such as silky, hound dog, gang orca, edge shot and endeavor, in this small dojo area where she live with her mom and dad who had a quirk arrange marriage, when her quirk came it made her feel like a monster with her only friend shoto who lost in touch for a long time, her mom train her a bit in art of her quirk making her a bit comfortable in her own skin. Miki spend most of her days reading books of fighting styles and hero history which finds her fascinating. Her family live in a secluded area of a old Japanese estate with a huge cherry blossom in the middle.

In the late winter when miki was 8 she saw her world go up in flames as she was woken up by the sounds of scream and saw everything outside was on fire, her home was being destroyed by a monster(later discover it was a nomu) she saw her dad dead on the ground and her mom fighting it two heroes came to her aid edgeshot and endeavor in fear Miki didn't know what to do her mom comes to her and tells her to run and keep going telling her the last words saying find people who will accept you and fight for you and with that Miki run but the last thing she saw was her home burn in flames then passes out with edgshot finding her in the woods seeing that she is the last member of her clan.

Miki was taken in by the hero commission in a heartbreaking moment since edgshot wasn't giving a fight to get her back making her believe he doesn't care, soon she place in a group with six other kids who have monstrous quirks that the commission placed, scared she try to keep herself away from others but one of them fang was nice to her and treated her like a little sister since his died a long time ago. Miki meet with hawks for a while before he went out on his own to be a pro hero they got along very well.

When she gotten older her training was becoming to intense like making her train in the mountains in the freezing cold to become immune to it to fight until she collapsed in pain and her teammate hurt her from time to time but then on day she was taken to a room was force to have her quirk re wired into her emotions to make it change differently and soon fang had it to making him into a tyrant and tried to beat her senseless deciding. In the time she founded out that she and her team were trained to stop heroes just in case they decided to go evil. She became upset not knowing nobody would save her she decided to escape from this. One night she escape through the facility and mange to not trigger the security.

Finally she managed to escape from the commission only to be taken a week later from widows and place in asylum she was place in it for months with treatments on her with months flowing by with dirty scrubs and bandages on her body like almost everyone she would believe she was back to where Miki started, she try to stay out of the way but sometimes she would be in fights due to demands, soon hearing about the war on tv and widows allies it seem like nobody cared about them with more and more kids keep coming the idea of freedom was fading but was got upsetting is that widow was almost done with her special project, soon she witness three new kids midoriya, bakugou, and her old friend shoto she doubts he would remember her but for a couple of days he does remember her.

Deku introduce himself and becomes friendly with her which surprises that he is willingly be nice to her without hesitation, for the next few days Miki was becoming more closer with deku and shoto then soon she told them what she had heard from widow about shipping them out and giving these drugs on them for mind control called breakpoint so they gathered a small group that was willing to do something and the plan was to get the keys away from Smokey before the heroes arrived.

When during the brawl match miki help deku in the brawl between him and widow since half her skin is made of really tough armor of a spider and his arms are becoming more broken since the war with her experience she made a combination with his black whip and a move called black dash to fling her till her armor crack and gave him a opening to finish her off.

After every thing that went down she went back to deku and celebrate with the others who are now free from widows torments are over and midoriya made her feel like a hero for the first time in ages she didn't feel like a monster, after they all went to hospital nezu and commission talk to her and let her go to UA as a deal for to become a better hero then she was. Soon she and Hotaru, Naminè were transfer to class 2-A due to their performance in battle.

Shoto and Miki have a understanding relationship, she also has a interesting bond with sero and begins to grow into a great connection, She is also reconnecting with other heroes she knows.

#my oc canon #my hero academia oc #my hero academy spoilers #my oc story #my oc stuff #my ocs are my children #bnha oc #oc x bnha #oc x canon #my hero academia #boku no hero academia #sero hanta x reader #sero x reader #bnha #sero x oc

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anonthenullifier · 6 years

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scarlet visions meeting the rest of the young avengers?

Hello! This one is quite a bit outside of my comfort zone as I do not write anything Young Avengers, but I’ll give it a shot. Side note: I did not include Vision/Jonas because, in my Scarlet Vision timeline/series I really have no firm idea how he would come to exist.

I hope you enjoy it!

“What do you think?”

Vision shifts his hips as he leans forward, heels tapping the side of the building they are sitting atop as he considers his wife’s question. The skirmish below has been persisting for almost twenty three and a half minutes, a time that is not unacceptable, per se, but also not impressive given the opponent is a low level necromancer with a small contingent of undead henchmen. He and Wanda could dispense of such foes in less than five minutes and forty five seconds (as the most conservative estimate) and that includes at least three brushes of his hand along Wanda’s back and one lost-in-the-moment kiss (they’re signature move, or so they have been informed). “They are a bit,” the sheer variety of flashing colors due to the powerful attacks is disorienting from up here, so he imagines it is far worse on the ground, which could be contributing to the overall fight, “discombobulated.”

“Yeah, they aren’t working together, like,” Wanda releases her grip on the thermos of hot chocolate, the air this high frigid, only part of the reason they are snuggled close, his cape and arm wrapped around her, and points a finger at the fight, “Tommy keeps breaking from the group to run, he knows better than that.”

A habit their son has been quite insistent on not breaking, even with various lessons of teamwork in the backyard. “I believe that could be slightly contributed to Billy working closely with,” the roster for the Young Avenger Initiative streams through his mind until he lands on the correct face, “Hulkling, perhaps Tommy is unable to apply our lessons to a group of three.”

“Billy does seem very comfortable with Teddy.” Her voice is identical to the way both Tony and Natasha would talk to him about Wanda, a long long time ago.

“I believe you set the rule we could not insinuate his relationship until he expressly informs us.”

Wanda bumps his shoulder, an action that requires barely any movement to be effective given their close proximity, “I don’t think they can hear us up here.” The hot chocolate hovers to her lips as they watch the continued attacks below, each action and movement unhelpfully independent from the others in the team. “Oh, Cassie’s growing.”

Stature, or so her file indicates is her preferred hero name, is gigantic yet again, but Vision cannot tell if the growth is strategic and purposeful or part of every hero’s experimentation (Wanda calls it a guessing game) with their newfound abilities. “Hawkeye has broken another window.”

“So when do we step in?”

Vision finds his shoulders rising and falling of their own accord as he runs through Captain Rogers’ instructions. “We were told to only intervene if there is a teachable moment, otherwise we must remain purely observational.”

“Well I’d say not working as a team is teachable,” something Vision wholeheartedly concurs with, “just have to wait for Nate to re-materialize from wherever he went.”

Iron Lad’s file is the densest of the group, a dizzying yet enjoyable puzzle Vision spent the afternoon studying, yet he still shares Wanda’s exasperation at watching the young man flicker and weave in and out of the fight. “How shall we proceed, once he returns?”

The thermos hovers again as her eyes squint, lips pursing in contemplation and the sight fills him with a comfortable, familiar warmth. “I say we go with a shield drop and then,” Wanda hums a little as she continues to watch the melee, body wiggling slightly while she cycles through the available attack patterns, “I’ll do a Scarlet burst while you take out the henchmen and we end with a Poltergeist.”

Her plan would certainly eliminate the threat, but, “That is quite dramatic.”

Wanda shrugs at this, “They’re more likely to remember something showy.”

A tactic they have occasionally fallen back on when training the boys, particularly for dull and repetitive drills. If they can demonstrate how the skill might lead to a full powered application, then the repetitiveness is suddenly deemed worthwhile. “Very well. Nathaniel is back.”

Vision stands first, hand reaching down to help Wanda up, her powers rearranging their observation tools into neat piles they can easily retrieve afterwards. Once Wanda is ready she turns towards him, the giddy grin on her face one she flashes him anytime they’re about to, in her words, kick some serious ass. She steps towards him, their bodies flush, a requirement of the maneuver, and her hands trace the vibranium clasp of his cape, “Remember, Maximoff, I’m not as young as I used to be.”

He wraps his arms around her waist, bending to place a kiss to her lips that accompanies his whispered promise, “I will be gentle.”

A synchronized, centering inhale and they exhale while stepping off the edge of the building, a scarlet concave shield forming underneath their feet, helping to even out the rush of air billowing his cape and her hair upwards. One minor turn of their bodies realigns them closer to the villain and that’s when he increases his density to speed up their descent, Wanda’s powers flowing more steadily in preparation of landing, and then, right at the last second, Vision goes incorporeal, depositing Wanda in a bubble of pulsating red on the ground as he phases through the cement. Based on visual data from their reconnaissance on the roof, he emerges precisely four feet from Wanda, hands phasing into the undead henchman within a millisecond of reappearing. In his periphery, as he phases and dismantles the lackeys, he can see the mesmerizing crackle of scarlet in the air and its reflection on the building, a technique meant to disorient a foe (and sometimes him, if he is not careful). Vision also intercepts chatter via his auditory processor some Wows a holy shit and then, a smile forming on his face at once again embarrassing his children, a plaintive and annoyed seriously from Billy and an unfortunate expletive from Tommy (which means yet one more lecture on language and perhaps mentioning the continued issue with Steve).

The density shifting assault continues until Wanda’s powers grow into an overwhelming frenzy, a long established cue for the next phase of the attack, the last henchman crumbling to the ground as Vision hovers, bringing his body horizontal and parallel to the ground. He flies directly towards his wife, phasing just as he reaches her, her body shivering at his passing through, and then he bursts from the cloud of scarlet, advancing on the necromancer and solidifying his body just in time to deliver a blow to the man’s chest, sending him backwards onto the ground. Scarlet ropes tether the man to the cement, Wanda sauntering up next to Vision, her hand dipping below his cape for a congratulatory squeeze, which kickstarts his body into an operantly conditioned response of turning towards his wife, his fingers tangling in her hair as he breathes in her essence, their mouths meeting and the world simply falling away.

Tommy’s irritated, “What are you doing here?” forces them to remember that they are here for a purpose.

A slow, easy step backwards angles Vision’s body towards the teens, their faces familiar from the files, their attributes and personalities clear in his head based on the stories the boys tell, but this is the first time meeting the members of the initiative. Half of them stand with arms crossed and perturbed stares, while the others form a spectrum from amused to curious to horrified (Billy, in this instance). “Captain Rogers assigned Wanda and myself to supervise your mission.”

Iron Lad, one of the arms-crossed cohort, and, from Vision’s understanding, the de facto leader, wades into the conversation. “Last I checked supervising’s not the same as intervening.”

“You are correct.”

Wanda’s hand brushes his shoulder, a tight smile on her face lets Vision know she wishes to handle the issue, and so he stops talking, acquiescing to her desire with a small nod. “We also had orders to step in if we felt you weren’t performing at your best.” She shrugs, it’s small, indifferent, but that is not the same as meek, the dismissive and authoritative tone of her voice setting the young heroes up to challenge her at their own risk, “You were nowhere near your best.”

The comment incites many displeased glares, a muttered bullshit from someone that better not have been Tommy, yet none of the young heroes immediately counter back. In the two second silence, Vision determines to utilize a softer approach meant to harmonize Wanda’s bluntness, a, as he has heard in the common lexicon, good-cop, bad-cop paradigm. “Why were,” Vision realizes they had not determined what to go by in the presence of Billy and Tommy’s compatriots, whether they remain causal with first names, go formal with Mr. and Mrs. Maximoff, or if they utilize hero names, for which his is no different than the casual but Wanda has some social distance. He determines to remain undecided and rely on pronouns and hand gestures to clarify the subjects of his sentence, “we able to subdue the foe far quicker than you?”

Cassie shrugs, gloved hand flinging out to the side to emphasize the obviousness of the response, “Because you’ve been heroes forever.”

A fair statement but not specific enough, so Vision tries the question from a more direct angle, “Though true, that is not sufficient to justify how we eliminated the threat in three minutes and thirty four seconds and you were unable to do so in the twenty eight minutes and fifty six seconds before our intervention.” The information might have a greater impact on them than Wanda’s prior words, if the increased gloom on their faces is an indication. “What actions did we take that differed from your own and thus contributed to our efficiency?”

“Listen,” Kate - or Hawkeye, as she has been passed the mantle from Clint, a surprise to everyone that it was not one of his own children to carry on the name (though that was a relief to Laura) - points her bow first at Vision and Wanda, “if I have to make-out with them,” the bow sweeps to the right to indicate the rest of the team, “to win a fight, I’m out.”

Sniggers follow her sardonic response, though Billy seems to be blanching at the turn in conversation, and then Cassie throws an arm over the archer’s shoulder, “You know I’m the best choice.”

“That,” Vision glances at Wanda, receiving an unhelpful shrug as the teens in front of them begin arguing over who would be the ideal makeout partner to end a fight, “that is not the,” the thing with having twin boys is that there is always arguing over which, sometimes, unfortunately, one must raise a voice to get attention back. What Vision failed to consider is the amplification of distracted chatter that would occur with numerous individuals of this age. “Wanda?”

A scarlet spark erupts in the middle of the group with a, “Pay attention.” The only two that look somewhat remorseful are Hulkling and Iron Lad, but at least the rest are quiet, mostly. “Making out has only ever won us three, maybe four fights. Plus,” a warning rings in her voice as Wanda moves her gaze across each of their faces, “only consensual making out during and after fights.”

“I-” Vision nods, trying to follow-up the comment but insteads cycles back to the original, “Yes, thank you. What tactical difference was there between your fight and ours?”

Being an Avenger has been Vision’s full-time job from his creation, one he has considered leaving, on occasion, but can never fully commit to such an enormous change. In this moment, with the silence thickening as elongated seconds pass and the group in front of him all seem interested in everything but him, he determines being a teacher is not in his future, his fingers growing antsy at the continued hush. But then Teddy meets his eyes, an unsure but hopeful smirk on his face as he raises his hand, “Yes, Hulkling?”

“Um, well, Vis- Mr. Maximoff?” At least he is not alone in his uncertainty of names, “Maybe we could have been more,” he lifts his hands, starting them far apart and swooping them until they meet, fingers clasped, “together in our attacks?”

Wanda sends them all a beaming, proud smile, “Yes, your teamwork and cohesiveness needs a lot of work.” Her arm loops through Vision’s, tugging him towards her until their sides are touching, “We trained over and over and over again on coordinated attacks, studied each others powers-”

A quiet, “And mouths,” comes from the archer but Wanda keeps moving without acknowledgement.

“It is rare that one person alone eliminates a threat.” She pauses, emphasizing the fact. “Figure out how to be a unit and you won’t have to be saved by us again.”

The words may sink in, they may not, none of the individuals in front of them betray their thoughts, until Iron Lad nods, lips arching downwards in thought. “I think we,” he turns to his teammates, “should go work on that.”

A chorus of sures and okays go along with the decision as the group starts to leave, Billy and Tommy hanging back, clearly torn between what to do, though Vision is not certain why. “So,” Billy interlaces his fingers while he haltingly proceeds with his thought, “can we go or do we have, you know, curfew?”

“I believe in this instance,” Vision mentally confirms his answer with Wanda before offering it to the boys, “you may be home later than usual.”

“Awesome.”

Once the boys are gone, the necromancer deposited safely in a containment cell awaiting a meeting with a judge in the morning, and they are back home, snuggled on the couch, Wanda nodding off on his chest as his hands work through her hair, he finally reaches a decision he had been waiting to make until he’d been able to process the evening. “They seem an admirable group.”

#scarlet vision #vision #wanda maximoff #billy kaplan #tommy shepherd #hulkling #cassie lang #iron lad #kate bishop #teddy #Young Avengers #the maximoffs #fanfic #mine #ask anon #seriously I don't really know anything about YA #so I hope this is somewhat accurate #this will probably be the last thing I write with the YA #thanks for the ask

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blog-priyapanda-blog · 6 years

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Coll Film Project

Priya Panda

Evaluating the current semester’s critical involvement regarding the process of filmmaking, first I should understand for what reason I want to be a part of the journey of filmmaking and how this process will help me to achieve my destination. As a passionate persona about films, I always give more focus to understand and learn how to tell a story. Before coming to NFS (Northern Film School), I had some basic knowledge about the story telling process. NFS’s 1st & 2nd semester’s structures of curriculum helped me to understand the method in-depth.

Now we are in our final semester where we are involving ourselves with our final projects. My final project in “Home’’ and my responsibility is editing. As ‘Home’ is my final project, I tried to focus more on post production instead of cinematography. That’s why when the shooting start, simultaneously I started transcoding, syncing and rough editing. As for ‘Home’ we have got very less time for post, I had to rush and start editing. So that as soon as they finished shooting, I gave my director my rough cut.

Continuity:

After my rough cut I worked on script cut. Me and Margherita watched all the footage and started cutting each and every scene again to get the proper emotion. In that case, I realized that our continuity sheet doesn’t help most of the time. On rough cut most of the time I used the shots which the continuity person said okay. But on our script cut I and my director changed most of it. Many times on the continuity sheet said take 5 is good but we found that take 3 and take 1 is better.

On interview scene, I faced lot of continuity error which made my life very tough to match shots. For example half of the footage the character fold his shirt but half of the footage he didn’t. There is continuity error on putting specs too. As an editor when I have got this kind of errors which I cannot be able to fix, I decided to follow the emotion. Continuity is the list bother perspective in that case.

Script:

When I first saw the material and started cutting the script cut, from that point of time I didn’t convinced with the concept. From the beginning I felt that the concept is not realistic. From that point I started my research. I started asking people who are from EU about their experience after Brexit. Most of the people said they didn’t get bad experience after Brexit. According to the script, it feels like after Brexit, British people started hating EU people. I asked few British people too about their thoughts. Even they said that after Brexit day they felt ashamed.

To understand the concept, then I started asking the writer about his thought. I tried to understand the concept behind the story from writer’s perspective so that it will help me to draw the story line. After the writer, I asked the director too the same question. According to the director the story is about Monica’s point of view. It’s all about her perspective.

But after I finished the script cut I faced the real problem. On that cut it’s more Brexit. It felt like after Brexit all of a sudden British people said to EU people go away from our country. But in real this kind of concept doesn’t exist. So the problem behind the story is bringing the reality. On the script it’s more of an exposition.

For example, in the interview scene it feels like the people in this country is very rude. But in reality British people are more polite. They never say anything in front of people’s face. Especially in government work, British people kill with their politeness.

How I deal with the story:

After getting few feedback from our tutors and colleagues, I have written a new synopsis of the story. Previously on the script Brexit is the main plot and family is the sub plot. On the new version of the cut family is the main plot and I have tried to put Brexit in the background.

According to me, the name of the story is ‘Home’. The name represents family. So it should start from family. In our previous cut we started the story from part of interview scene. And now in our last cut we started from last scene where Monica is in an empty house. The story is about home. That’s why we started Monica in an empty house.

My most struggling part of the film is cutting interview scene. This scene is the longest scene of the film. On that scene they improvised the dialogue many times. The good part of improvisation is we have more option but the negative part of it is matching the continuity of the dialogue. But the most struggle part of that scene is bringing the politeness. As I said before in that scene the characters are ruder and this is not real. To reduce the rudeness we cut some dialogues and give more coverage on Monica. Still I feel that we can cut more interview scene which is still very long. We do not need too much detail on interview scene.

Another hurdle I have got during the story telling process is why Monica all of a sudden changed her mind. Because initially she was not ready to attempt the test, but suddenly she decided to do the citizenship test. For that we rearranged the scenes again to make the sequence differently. According to the new sequence David and Monica’s argument and then nasty comment with tv news in bar and then kid’s comment made her decide to do the test.

Collaboration with the director:

The most important part of an editor’s life is the collaboration with the director. On post production we need to spend time with each other hours and hours. For that we need to like each other. Other ways it is hard to collaborate. Yes me and Margherita spend most of our hours together for last 2 months.

Its quite good to work with Margherita. She gave me enough freedom to think the story in my way. We discussed about the story hours and hours. We did exchange our ideas and thoughts all the time. Whenever we had time we talk about the story how to develop the concept.

The most important challenge we have got is the existence of the concept. After script cut when I wrote my synopsis, I show that to Margherita and she is quite open to accept that and she also gave her input too.

Collaboration with Sound Team:

On post production process collaborating with sound team is also an important part. Sound wise, the production sound was quite good. I like to cut the dialogue by myself. I already kind of work with wild tracks and dialogue. It will help the sound designer to reduce the work pressure.

It was very good collaboration with music composer and sound designer. But the most difficult part we faced in that process is lack of time. Music composer gave us his first drift but when I put into on the video track it didn’t fit with the story. The music is kind of library music. The music is kind of disconnecting the character from the story. This draft is first draft. So I hope when we again start working with the music composer, we will get something useful.

Now if we talk about the collaboration with the sound designer, I would say it’s the most difficult and important part of the whole process. The most difficult part of this process I found that again lack of time. Me, my director and the sound designer, we saw the film together quite a few time. We exchanged our ideas. We had an idea to do voice over for tv and radio sound where we can hear the news of Brexit from radio and television.

On this part I learned a lot about choosing the right music and design the sound properly. Sound is the most important part of storytelling. Sound can support you to tell the story or it can also disconnect the audience form the story too. We are still struggling to find the exact music.

Color Grading:

This is the most difficult part I have faced to the entire process. On color I used LUT and then I played with brightness, contrast and saturation. But when I saw that video on big screen it feels super flat which still cannot be able to understand the reason. On the monitor of color grading suit it was not so flat but on big screen the color was more worm.

In this department I am still learning. I still need to understand the components of color and use of it. I still need to develop the my eye into the color. Another difficulty I faced while exporting the video. Because of the graphic card sometime the footage got glitches. It took too much time to export.

Delete Scene:

Make up scene: we used this for first few draft. But as we changed the story line, me and the director decided not to use this scene in our final cut. The reason behind it is this scene was add anything. We thought that this scene is not necessary for the story.

Office Scene: After our first cut which is script cut, we decided to cut this scene. The reason behind that is this scene is not realistic. We have to cut the scene because this scene represents rudeness of British people. This scene is unrealistic because in real world office worker doesn’t behave like this.

Old Interview Scene: Because of some unwanted issues on shoot day the director didn’t get this particular scene how she wanted. She wanted the scene with interview people. But on shoot day one actor didn’t show up and full scene was messed. That’s why the production team and director decided to re shoot. But personally as an editor I liked the scene. It was creating the tension of the atmosphere. The new interview scene is describing the situation more comic way which doesn’t fit to the flow of the story.

Few problems which I faced during the whole journey:

1. Less post production time: The most important hurdle I have got is less editing time. I didn’t get enough breathing time to think about the story. I have to put myself in rush because of deadline. From begging I had the pressure to finish the cut as early as possible because we had to work with sound department too.

2. Graphic: There are few part the cinematographer didn’t use the graphic on set. Though they had the all equipment to put the graphic on set. Because of that it kill my time. I have to create the graphic and because of tracking and panning shot it was really hard to create the look original. The tv with kids were the difficult part which took my hours unnecessary. On that time I could focus on editing.

3. Negative atmosphere: In our course few people were creating negative atmosphere from the begging. Because of their unwanted behavior made me unconference few times which effected my editing as well. One thing I want to mention that here in our batch I felt many time that if I am a woman, people ignore my capability whether I am hard working or not. Few people in our course always criticized my ability and created a pollute atmosphere.

In conclusion I would like say that this film school changes my life. I can see the difference the person when I came to this country and now. We are about to finish tour course and I can say I am capable enough to handle projects by myself. There is still lot to learn but what I can say that NFS gave the proper training which will help me in my future journey. I have got amassing tutors from whom I learned the story telling process.

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napierfilm · 4 years

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About Time Scene Re-creation:

My self, Brontë wadd and Peter Fraser teamed up for this project and decided to recreate the proposal scene from ‘About Time’.

Our First Meeting/Pre-production:

For our first meeting, the three us met up at the Bainfield Common room to try and find a scene in which we could re-create. After a bit of a discussion, we decided to do the Proposal Scene from ‘About Time’. Once we had agreed on the scene, we choose to sit down and watch the entire film to place the scene within the context of the rest of the film. By doing so, we learned more about how the characters related to one another and gained an understanding of how the tone of the scene associated with the rest of the film.

After we had grounded our understanding of the film, we then broke the scene down shot for shot. First, we created a shot list which catalogued each shot in terms of its camera angle, lighting and lens type etc. Next, we created a PowerPoint Presentation which included screens shots of each shot which we be a document we could refer to while on set to see how close we would be to the original.

The following day I created a casting call (4th Picture). I decided to create an actual poster/call instead of just writing a post on facebook as I thought this would have a better reach to actors as it looks more professional and eyecatching. Once I had created the casting call, I posted it on several Edinburgh filmmaking/acting groups on Facebook to find actors. However, the casting call produced very little, and we weren't able to secure any actors, therefore considering Peter and Brontë were available, and they had the right accents and looks they were willing to stand in.

The next obstacle was the location. Luckily Peters family own a flat in Leith which Peter said could be a good option. Myself and Peter did a location recce at the flat and found it was an excellent option. The bedroom had a window which is similar to the one in the scene, and we could achieve the right set up by rearranging the furniture in the room. Therefore, we choose this as our location.

Before we went to shoot, we had a production meeting with Kieran. During this meeting, we discussed the scene we had chosen, where we were up to in terms of production and advice about how we could achieve the right lighting and tone. This meeting was reassuring and helpful. Kieran gave us some advice about lighting and lens choice and thought we were on the right track in terms of production.

Test Shoot:

The day before we were supposed to film, we went to the flat and did a test shoot. The main priority for the test shoot was to see if we could replicate the lighting and framing of the scene. During the shoot, we found it difficult, but by the end, we thought we had achieved the right lighting for each shot. After each lighting set-up, we marked the position of each light on the floor and took pictures so we could replicate it all the next day.

The First Shoot:

The next day we headed to the location to shoot. However, we came across some issues. The first shot we tried to get was the master two-shot and despite us thinking we had achieved the right lighting the day before when we came to it that it just didn't seem right. The lighting was wrong and kept trying and trying to get it right, but the end, we had run out of ideas. Also, we had spent the whole time just focusing on the two-shot because the lighting and framing was all wrong, but also we weren’t getting the performances from Brontë and Peter and spent a large amount of the time rehearsing the scene to get it right. Therefore, the first shoot didn’t go according to plan due to the lighting but also because we didn't put in the time before the shoot to focus on delivery.

Second Metting with Kieran:

Because the first shoot didn't go according to plan, we scheduled a meeting with Kieran to see where we were going wrong and how we could move forward. The meeting went well Kieran reassured and told us we were on the right track with lighting, but there were just a few changes that could help get it right. Additionally, going for this second meeting enabled us to show Keiran our efforts, and he understood that the issues we had. We all felt better and happier, returning to the project after the meeting.

The Rehearsal:

We understood that one of our pitfalls from the first shoot was the lack of attention we paid to Brontë’s and Peter’s performances. Therefore, I suggested that the day after the meeting with Kieran, we should schedule a time to rehearse their lines. So the next day Brontë finalised the script, and we all met at her house to go over the scene. This was very beneficial because it meant we would spend less time on set, focusing on this aspect of the scene. Also by rehearsing, it meant less taking takes because the actors knew their lines and the rehearsal allows Brontë and Peter to become more comfortable acting with each other and get those nuances in the performance which would help with the tone of the scene.

The shoot:

After meeting with Kieran, we were feeling better going into the next shoot. Considering during our test shoot, we managed to get the lighting for the close-ups pretty accurate we decided to shoot those shots first because we could spend less time getting them right. Once we were happy with the first two close-ups, we then move onto the double master shot. We still really struggled to get the proper lighting for this shot we spend hours trying to get it right, but it still didn’t work and what we ended up with was the best we could achieve the time constraints we had.

Editing:

It took two days to edit the scene. Avid is still a new software for us, so it took a little bit of time to get into the flow of things, but, Brontë had a better grasp of the software and enjoys editing she took the wheel in a sense. Me and Peter were present during the editing process as we collectively consulted on the edit and helped to make certain decisions. However, when it came to exporting the scene, it went slightly wrong. During the edit, we did a slight colour grade to make Brontë and Peter to look less orange and to just try and replicate the colour of the original scene better. However, when exporting the scene for some reason the colour went massivly darker than it was screen, therefore the pictures above are of the orginal footage before it was colour graded which are more reprsentational of what the lighting was meant to look like.

Next was the Crit...

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evenstevensranked · 7 years

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#33: Season 1, Episode 11 - “Secrets and Spies”

To destress from her busy schedule, Ren takes up a secret gig performing ABBA karaoke at local Japanese restaurant. She’s super sneaky about it and Louis is determined to figure out what she's up to.

The opening shot of this episode is Ren in her room rearranging her ridiculous schedule, showing us that she’s absolutely swamped. Eileen comes waltzing in and oddly knocks after the door is already open. I just randomly noticed that. Like, give the girl some privacy. She’s all excited to tell Ren that Councilman Mackenzie (whoever that is) is looking for a new intern and that he’s expecting her call. Ren CLEARLY does not want to do this and even tells Eileen that her schedule is too busy. One look at her calendar cork board would make anybody be like “Guuuurl, you’re only giving yourself an hour and a half each week for relaxation time?! You’re 14!” Instead, Eileen looks at her schedule and says “No, honey. Look! You have Tuesday, 4:30 to 6 available!!” Seriously, Eileen?

Ren is spending Wednesday at 5pm reading to the blind. Give her a break.

As soon as Eileen leaves, Ren walks into her closet and screams at the top of her lungs. Except, it’s obviously a stock audio clip of a horror scream. Louis overhears and it’s the first clue to the budding mystery.

At dinner, Ren is curiously missing. We see that the Stevens are doing some “International Delicacy du Jour” where each family member chooses a meal from a different country to eat or something. I don’t know. Steve cooked a traditional Vietnamese meal, and I swear, the way he pronounces the dishes would never fly today. He’s like, “You already have your pho-taaaaaaiiiiii!” in the most mock Asian sounding accent ever, oh my god. He goes on to say “bon appetit” in Vietnamese, which also sounds terrible. He also cooked sticky rice and there’s a gag where the rice is, well... too sticky. None of them can get it off of their utensils. Ren comes running in late and clearly lies about meeting with the councilman. When asked, she tells them that she got the internship. That is, until Louis notices a yellow feather tucked into Ren’s shirt and makes a scene about it. She immediately deflects from that and brings up some ceramic cat that Louis broke to change the subject. Huummm...

Later that night while walking through the hall, Louis happens to overhear Ren talking on the phone in Japanese. He goes barging in “Hey, Stoolie! Why ya speakin’ in Japanese?” which is honestly so funny. It’s the way Shia says it, omg. He’s officially convinced that Ren is hiding something at this point. He has a meeting with Twitty to try and break down the evidence so far and we get a pretty memorable bit. Twitty’s reasoning is simply “Well, she’s a girl and girls do weird things. HEY! That’s a great song title. *proceeds to sing/play ‘girls do weird things’ on guitar*) This is a great scene so I’m just gonna embed it. There is one issue I’ll mention: there’s an awful overdub here. Listen to when Louis says “little miss perfect.” The audio was so obviously recorded at a different time, his lips don’t match, and he didn’t even bother to speak with an appropriate inflection so it would sound better in context. It makes me wonder what line they had him say originally...

youtube

“Get out... Get out of my house” was always one of my favorite lines lol.

We move on to the tiniest, most insignificant subplot EVER. Donnie is struggling with Trigonometry, (a subject I literally never studied in high school... is that bad?), so he gets an online tutor named Russell. The guy is a total nerd apparently and wants Donnie to help him out with the ladies. They meet up in person, and the tutor ends up being a little kid. That’s literally it. The plot never goes anywhere else. That’s it. There is a good line here, though. Russell is all “Let’s go meet girls!” and Donnie’s like “Look, kid. The only place I’m taking you is to a moon bounce.” I love this.

The next day at school, some random chick tells Louis to thank Ren for referring her to the Councilman and that she got the internship... not Ren. The plot thickens. We get a montage of Louis spying on Ren all day, even hiding in a darn mailbox, until he follows her all the way to Tokyo Rick’s -- a super random Japanese restaurant. Louis is beyond confused, that is.. until a man comes on stage and says “Up next on the mic, we have the vocal stylings of... Isis.” And we get the big reveal: Ren in a 70s style wig singing “Dancing Queen” by ABBA.

Can we talk about that fact that Ren’s stage name is freaking ISIS though?! Isis?! Really, Disney? This is honestly Illuminati territory for me. Although, Isis is also an Egyptian goddess, which is probably where they got the name from. But, still. It’s a little disturbing in hindsight to think that Ren’s alias went on to be the name of a terrorist organization. Yikes. Christy is a fine singer, but this is unfortunately not her finest performance. To be fair, she was like.. 15 or 16 here. I definitely look back at my own performances at that age sometimes and.... yeah. Not the greatest. This is another memorable scene though and deserves to be uploaded to YouTube, so... I uploaded it:

youtube

Now that Louis knows her secret, he decides to torture her with his knowledge of the situation. We get another montage of him sneakily posting Tokyo Rick’s karaoke fliers all over school, and Ren subsequently removing them. He also drops yellow feathers on her, and even sends a message for Ren to report to room 109, where he has the school band playing “Dancing Queen” (terribly.) I love this part. This is another thing that counts as music humor for me, which y’all know I’m a giant sucker for. The band is just so bad. It sounds as if every band member is on life support and being forced to perform on the verge of their last breath. They literally sound like they’re dying. Just think of the 20th Century Fox sax, trumpet, and recorder fails for an idea of what it sounds like... and times that by 10. Louis is conducting them and shouts “Javier!! That’s your cue!” which is absolutely hilarious to me. Sometimes, it’s the smallest details of this show that kill me the most. Ren walks in and Louis casually says “Isis!” When Ren asks “What did you call me?!” he responds with “I said ‘Hi, sis!’” Perfect.

Ren pushes Louis out of the room and into the hallway to scream at him and it quickly turns from a scene I absolutely love to a scene that crushes my soul. Ren gets so fed up and screams “Do you think you’re funny?! I don’t. Nobody does! In fact, we all feel sorry for you because we’re out living busy, productive lives and you have... ugh, I don’t know... NOTHING! So just BACK OFF, Nothing Boy!” - The “nothing boy” remark was always a little cringy to me. Not the greatest insult, but it’s just so sad. She kinda hit Louis everywhere it hurts the most. He’s always struggled with feeling like he has nothing special or unique about him in comparison to everyone else. The one thing he does have is comedy, and she says he sucks at that too. Dang. He just stands there and sadly takes the beating. I’m upset.

Louis takes ~the gloves are coming off~ approach and suggests that the family should go to Tokyo Rick’s as his pick for the International Delicacy thing to reveal Ren’s secret to their parents. But later on, Ren genuinely apologizes to Louis. She admits to being a little jealous that she can’t seem to relax and have fun the way he does -- so she decided to sing karaoke as a way to let off steam. It’s actually really sweet. I love whenever we get nice sibling moments between them.

I will say, there’s a funny bit where some random kid is using the water fountain near them -- he’s sort of eavesdropping so Louis BARKS at him to make him go away. Oh my god. It’s one of those out of left field moments that help make this show great. I wonder if this was an ad-lib...? If it was, I love Shia even more and I didn’t think that was possible.

Is it just me or does the kid look EXACTLY like Coach Tugnut? I’ma bout to ask Jim Wise on Twitter if he’s related to him...

EDIT: I asked. I was right. (tweet)

EDIT EDIT: I was not right. Turns out Jim was pulling my leg??? haha. We cleared this up in our interview with him. So embarrassing.

Louis accepts Ren’s apology, but it’s too late. Ma and pops are already at the restaurant. Oh, boy.

Louis obviously feels bad at this point. When he gets to the restaurant, he does everything in his power to distract Steve and Eileen from seeing Ren on stage... but fails. They’re shocked to see her. Ren was singing “Dancing Queen” again btw (is that the only song she knows, orrrr?) and her outfit got an upgrade.

Ren apologizes again and explains the whole situation to their parents. They’re surprisingly understanding! They agree that everyone should have some crazy fun every once in a while. The episode ends with Steve wearing Ren’s wig and the whole family singing “I’ve Got The Music In Me.” It’s hysterical. And ironic, because none of them have the music in them. Especially Louis. Seeing him dance and sing is truly the 8th wonder of the world. What goes through Shia’s mind while he’s playing this character? I want to know.

How does this kid go on to be a drummer? Explain.

And that’s it! Like the majority of Season 1 episodes, this one is a little slow paced.. but it works here. It’s part of the charm of the first season. I love it. I originally had this ranked towards the “worst” half of the list, but upon re-watching I found a lot of things to like about it. Between Twitty’s awful hit single, the terrible school band, Ren’s performance and the family sing-a-long.. what’s not to love?! It’s a bit of a rollercoaster between Louis and Ren but ultimately turns out fine, which always feels like a well deserved and happy conclusion. I also like how this episode isn’t necessarily a Ren plot or a Louis plot, it’s blended and I love when they’re able to do that and have it flow so well. Also, if you’ve never seen the episode before.. it’s sort of a genuine mystery leading up to the reveal. It’s actually difficult to figure out what Ren’s been doing. It’s a pretty solid episode, imo. But, not the greatest.

Thanks for reading! Thoughts? :)

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afrolesbikita · 3 years

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News and important tips on POS and POS Equipment.

George P. Bush’s first trip outside Austin after he announced his campaign for attorney general wouldn’t surprise anyone watching Texas politics these days: Like many other ambitious Republicans, he visited South Texas.

The state’s current land commissioner, who is seeking to unseat incumbent Attorney General Ken Paxton, spoke with members of the Border Patrol union along the Rio Grande, met with high school students in San Juan and helped clean beaches on South Padre Island.

It was part of a flurry of GOP activity in the heavily Hispanic region this month. Nearly a year ago, Republicans’ relative success in the areas along the Texas-Mexico border helped them fend off the strongest challenge to their political dominance by Texas Democrats in decades. Now the GOP wants to take the fight to the Democrats in next year’s midterm elections and attack one of the state’s most reliably blue regions.

The work has already begun.

In addition to last week’s trip by Bush, Associated Republicans of Texas, a GOP political group, announced this week that it would target six Democratic state House seats in South Texas, citing growing support for Republicans in the area. On Thursday, Gov. Greg Abbott held a border summit featuring local leaders from both parties. At the event, he announced that plans were in the works “for the state of Texas to begin building the border wall,” but he didn’t give details.

And in a development Saturday that gained national attention, a former chairman of the Hidalgo County GOP was elected mayor of McAllen, long a Democratic stronghold. According to the county party, Javier Villalobos was the first registered Republican elected mayor of the city this century.

“There’s something going on down there,” said Aaron De Leon, political director for Associated Republicans of Texas. “We see a great opportunity in South Texas and we want to take the offensive and take it to the Democrats in what has historically been their territory.”

Republicans were encouraged by former President Donald Trump’s surprise victories in the area during the 2020 election. Trump won 14 of 28 counties on or near the border that Hillary Clinton had nearly swept in 2016 and he came within 5 percentage points of Biden in traditionally Democratic Starr County. Clinton won the county by 60 percentage points.

Not surprisingly, longtime Democratic State Rep. Ryan Guillen whose Rio Grande City district is located in Starr is among ART’s targets. The other five targets are: Eddie Lucio III and Alex Dominguez of Brownsville, Bobby Guerra of Mission, Abel Herrero of Robstown and Eddie Morales Jr. of Eagle Pass.

Democratic officials say they welcome the GOP’s challenge.

“If they want to do that, they’re entitled to do everything they want to do, but I’m not trembling in my boots,” said Gilberto Hinojosa, chairman of the Texas Democratic Party and a former Cameron County judge. “All it does is allow these state representatives who normally don’t have contested elections to invest enormous amounts of resources in defending their seats and that’ll help us increase voter turnout for our nominees running for governor, lieutenant governor, attorney general and land commissioner.”

Democrats will continue targeting 12 to 14 statehouse seats elsewhere in the state to flip the Texas House, Hinojosa added.

But Dominguez, one of the targets, said ART’s stated goals in South Texas are “bold” and should be taken seriously.

“Both the state and national party should be looking at this very closely,” he said. “The border Democrats have been the blue wall in Texas for decades. We can’t afford to lose the blue wall.”

Republicans see opportunity

If Republicans are able to recruit strong down-ballot candidates, they’ll get a much-needed boost from some of the state GOP’s biggest names, like Bush and Abbott.

Abbott, who consistently polls as the state’s most popular politician, has shown considerable attention to the border in recent months. On Thursday, he was in Eagle Pass to hold a Border Security Summit. His chief political adviser, Dave Carney, said securing the border was a major issue for voters they’ve surveyed in South Texas who have dealt with the influx of immigrants near the Mexico border.

“It will help all of us to work on ways to stem the flow of unlawful immigration and to stem the flow of illegal contraband,” Abbott said.

Carney also said Latinos in the region align with Republican values like access to good jobs, keeping the economy strong and educational opportunities.

“Democrats have written off Hispanics as part of their base coalition,” Carney said. “Their issues are so much aligned with us.”

He also said the area has untapped potential for right-of-center candidates.

“Our biggest shortfall has been candidate recruitment. If we’d had a full slate in 2020 we would have had an inroad,” he said. “We’re rectifying that at the moment. We’re out recruiting candidates for the state Legislature and for Congress. Plans are to launch a full assault there to make sure we have the ballot full and have engaged campaigns up and down the ballot.”

Villalobos, the newly elected McAllen mayor, encouraged Republicans to run for office in South Texas but said they’d have to stay focused on kitchen table issues, like being fiscally conservative, to run competitive campaigns.

He also admonished GOP leaders who use divisive language that turns Latinos away and said his campaign was victorious because it garnered support from Republicans, Democrats and independents.

“The advice is just look to be inclusive,” he said. “Talk to everybody, do not be adversarial. If the Republican Party wants to grow, you’ll have to bring in the other party. Most people have a common goal, they want what’s right. Unfortunately [some Republicans] go the other route.”

Bush, whose mother is Mexican American, also sees potential for Republicans in the region, according to his campaign.

“Hispanics in South Texas believe in faith, family and freedom. They believe in border security. They’re tired of critical race theory and Latinx nonsense. That’s just not resonating with them,” said J.R. Hernandez, Bush’s senior adviser. “We’re going to continue to expand the Republican tent.”

Hinojosa said Democrats are ready.

“We’re not taking anything for granted, we’ve gotta make sure enough people are registered to vote,” he said. “We’re going to work but we’ll have many more resources to do that.”

Villalobos’ race was a nonpartisan municipal election, and Hinojosa said that the Republican actively tried to hide his party affiliation.

“Nobody other than a few people knew that Javier Villalobos was a Republican,” he said.

Still, Abbott and other Republicans celebrated his victory Saturday night.

“Javier is a proven leader who cares deeply about the McAllen community,” Abbott said in a statement. “I congratulate him on his election as Mayor of McAllen and look forward to working alongside him to ensure an even more prosperous future for the people of the Rio Grande Valley.”

Hinojosa acknowledged that Trump picked up support in South Texas last year. That stemmed partly from Republican efforts to tie Democrats to the “defund the police” movement and calls to move away from the fossil fuel industry. Law enforcement and the energy industry are two of the main job providers in the area. Democrats’ struggles also came from a lack of investment by the Biden campaign in the region, he said.

But Hinojosa took solace in the lack of down-ballot flipping. Even though Trump came within striking distance of Biden in Starr, Guillen handily beat his Republican opponent with nearly 60% of the vote. In his congressional race, longtime Laredo Democrat Henry Cuellar beat his GOP opponent by a similar margin.

Hinojosa said that’s because voters trust their local Democratic officials and know that they are representing their needs in Austin and Washington.

Guillen, who has been in office nearly two decades, has a campaign war chest of more than half a million dollars. Several of the other state House targets have more than a decade of experience and name recognition. And even newcomers like Dominguez will put up a strong fight.

To win his first term in 2018, Dominguez ousted longtime Democrat Rene Oliveira, who had been elected consecutively to his seat for nearly 30 years.

“Bring on all challengers,” he said. “Not only can I stand on my record but they’ll find me a very energetic and formidable opponent.”

But both parties’ ambitions in legislative races are complicated by redistricting. Lawmakers will convene in Austin this fall for a special session to redraw the legislative maps. Republicans control the redistricting process in Texas, and could have the opportunity to rearrange boundaries to give Republicans a better shot in the region.

Regardless, Democrats have to work to counter Republican messaging, Dominguez said. No state House Democrat ran on defunding police and local officials in South Texas are supportive of law enforcement and have expanded their budgets. If that issue re-emerges next year, he added, South Texas Democrats have a chance to push back on the narrative.

“Most of the state reps and congressional representatives have strong ties to both law enforcement and Border Patrol,” he said. “There was a missed opportunity to counter-message that Democrats also support law enforcement and we’re not in favor of chaos and we’re the ones who provide tools for law enforcement and border patrol. “

Democrats will also sell voters on their agenda of good jobs, health care and education, Hinojosa said. They plan to capitalize on Biden’s efforts to control COVID-19 — which hit South Texas hard — and the financial relief congressional Democrats have provided Americans, and contrast that to what state Republican leaders have prioritized.

“They didn’t get any of that from the Republicans,” Hinojosa said. “[Republicans] spent their time on these mean transgender bills and racist voter suppression bill.”

Jason Villalba, president of the Texas Hispanic Policy Foundation, said the messaging war will be key. In the last election cycle, Republicans successfully painted Democrats as “socialists” who were on the wrong side of key local issues like border security and protecting oil and gas jobs.

“That’s not real, but they got the message across,” he said. “If Democrats are going to be effective they’ll have to tailor the message to regional concerns.”

The above post was first published here.

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foursprout-blog · 6 years

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All The Numerous Ways I’ve Failed At Curing My Depression

New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/happiness/all-the-numerous-ways-ive-failed-at-curing-my-depression-2/

All The Numerous Ways I’ve Failed At Curing My Depression

Alivia Latimer

I had no idea what was happening to me. I had no map in dealing with whatever was plaguing my mentality. I didn’t know where I was going, I just knew I was going south. I figured whatever it was would go away soon enough, so I did nothing. It didn’t go away.

I spent the bulk of my days lying in bed until my mattress became indented in the center. I soundtracked this indolence with playlist chalked full of Kid Cudi and Elliot Smith dirges. I smoked bunk weed and binge-watched TV series’ multiple times over instead of honoring social engagements. I stuffed myself with high fructose corn syrup and other ingredients with scientific names and questionable nutritional value. I hid out in figurative closets, dimly lit dive bars and under unwashed duvet covers. I masturbated like I was sponsored. I felt myself getting irritated and rustled easily. I felt like my friends were a cause of my mindset and began searching for reasons to cut them off one by one until my social circle consisted of me and the four corners I imprisoned myself into. My addled mind told me they were against me and I rationalized my actions as my twisted perceptions became realities. Alienating them became the first thing I was successful at in a long time.

The pain alleviated briefly. I convinced myself that the bad memories pilling up in my decaying hometown weren’t helping and that I just needed a new setting, so I impulsively decided to quit my job and move 3,000 miles across the country. After 24 hours of driving, I parked my car in a random apartment complex in El Paso, Texas and cried in the backseat. I carried whatever was sullying my soul with me to Los Angeles.

I fell back into the same habits that maimed me back home. I got another job that I hated. I bought another mattress that I’d spend days stuck on until it began to sag too. I found myself drinking more than usual. I felt pains in my side and hoped it was cancer. I drank until I became interesting and met new people. We became allies in destructive dependency and late-night depravity. I blacked out on benzos in seedy bars. I had coked up heart palpitations in LED lit nightclubs. I popped molly and made out with strangers in underground warehouse parties. I was always hungover or coming down. I spent nights participating in wanton sport-fucking and mornings sitting in clinical waiting rooms with a curable souvenir. I inhaled amyl nitrite until my lips and nails turned blue and swallowed doxycycline until my dick stopped burning when I pissed. I necked Tramadol, parachuted Norcos, cold water extracted Percocets and snorted Roxicodone until I could hardly breathe out of my nostrils. I was always tripping over empty boxes Benadryl and bottles of white grapefruit juice. All of this made me feel better until it didn’t. I was paying damn near two bucks an mg. All of this made me feel better until I could no longer afford it. I tried to quit, but it wasn’t that easy. My sweat was sweating. My bones felt like they’d been shattered with a sledgehammer. I felt like a walking corpse. I lost my thoughts to psychosis. I popped Imodium pills that didn’t help. I felt like dying. I withdrew by myself on an air mattress that sunk to the floor a few hours after being blown up.

I let those friendships fade. I kept my distance until the relationships dissolved. My addled mind told me that they were against me. I became selfish. See also: self-involved, self-loathing, self-defeating, self-deprecating, self-destructing, self-sabotaging, self-vectoring, self-harm, and self-pity.

I spent hours scouring through depression reddits and reading articles. I realized that depression wasn’t that feeling you got after failing a test you studied hard for or watching your favorite team lose. I tried to correct the chemical imbalance. I ate salmon, avocados, and Brazilian nuts to improve the amount of omega-3 fatty acid, folic acid, and selenium in my diet. I took tumeric circumin, ginkgo biloba, and l-theanine supplements to enhance the dopamine in my brain. I popped B vitamins, ZMA, St. John’s Worts and SAM-e pills to no avail. I stood out in the sun for proper vitamin D synthetization. I logged weeks doing fundamentally sound push-ups. I bought a Perfect Pullup and resistance bands. I worked out for more than 21 days and still couldn’t create a habit. I read self-help books. I’d re-read them because I kept spacing out. I stared at myself in the mirror, giving myself boilerplate positive affirmations.

Nothing worked.

I sat cross-legged and attempted to meditate, trying to focus on my breath flowing through my Svadhisthana chakra, but straying into thoughts about cheeseburgers and Looney Tunes. I rearranged my bedroom, hoping to eliminate the negative ions in my life. I lit smudge sticks and placed selenite crystals and Himalayan salt lamps around my abode. I participated in early morning Runyon Canyon hikes, mid-day apartment pacing, and late-night sodium vapor lit walks. I attempted to quit masturbating and even thinking about sex period, but that just made me feel even worse. In a last-ditch effort, I prayed until my knees were bloody and bruised. I taped scriptures above my desk. I lit Virgen de Guadalupe, Ecce-Homo Gran Poder, and Siete Potencias Africanas candles until they burned out.

Nothing worked.

I swallowed a handful of pills and washed it down with vodka hoping to end it one day, but I guess my hearse caught a flat on the highway to hell because instead, I woke up 24 hours later feeling better than I had in a long time.

I met a guy that I loved more than I’ll ever love any man again in my life. I had a nice streak where I didn’t have my typical ups and downs or crazy mood swings. Things were going good…too good. I decided to end the relationship before I got blindsided and he had a chance to cause me harm first. I was creating chaos where there was none and getting mad about things that hadn’t even happened.

I moved back home and fell back into my depressive habits. I had a hard time even looking strangers in the face because I felt like they could see my anxiety and would feel embarrassed by it. I tried to reconnect with my high school friends. I got drunk and tried to talk to them about it until they shot off weird looks at me for letting my feelings fly unfettered. I was told to “man up” and “get over it.” I was reminded that there are people that won’t be waking up today, so I guess my feelings were invalid. I was a burden and pending wreak and they couldn’t understand the severity of it. I ghosted them for a year until they got the message.

I white knuckled it. I became detached. I heard that most people used this illness to scratch out a masterpiece. I got a job with insurance and set up an appointment with a doctor. I hopped into the world of prescription medication through a passionless doctor with a penchant for palliative remedies who barely listened to me while I was shooting off a list of symptoms. I went on medication roulette. I took Cymbalta which killed my creativity, Zoloft which made my dick useless, and Lexapro that electrocuted my brain occasionally. I tried to talk to a therapist but saw through the entire thing and blew it off two meetings in.

Defeated, I accepted that this was just my fate and told myself, “I must’ve had a hell of a past life.” I became more comfortable in my isolation. I became more familiar with my illness. I fed into it. Feeling out of place became normal. I was convinced that I’d just grow older, catch cirrhosis, and die alone.

And then, it seemingly just stopped. I was moderating mids like I usually do during more emotionally prosperous periods when a depressive episode ends, and never really dipped back into the red. I’m still not sure if everything I did to try to deal with the psych ache actually aided in my recovery, or if circumnavigating the issue altogether forced it to not become the most important force in my life. When I became content with how things were going to be, they stopped having control over who I was, or at least who I thought I was. Old tendencies die hard, and at times, I slip back into depressive mode out of a force of habit. But now, I’m better equipped to pull myself out of the dregs.

As tough as it was, I’d even say I was grateful for it. It gave me a different perspective on life. It gave me empathy. It gave me understanding. I pulled myself out of the inferno and the stars shined brighter than they ever have before.

#Happiness

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