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idratherlivefreetofail · 4 years

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Screenshots from 7 Years Of Jacksepticeye On Youtube! :’)

@therealjacksepticeye Seán I doubt you’ll see this post or if this caption ends up being super long that you’ll read it. But after watching this video I feel like just talking to you as genuinely and honesty as I can for a little bit. I just want to be myself in front of you as much as I can in this post. If you do take the time to read this I hope that I don’t come across badly to you at all. First off, god fucking damn it boy! What is with you almost making me cry these last 2 days????! You almost made me cry with the reply you left on the video post I wrote yesterday, then today in the Death Stranding video you made me almost cry because you said exactly what I needed to hear and now you’re making me super emotional over this video! What the hell Seán? What the hell? xD Okay in all seriousness though. You already know that I’m proud of you and happy for you for everything you’ve gained and how far you’ve come so I feel like I don’t need to say a whole lot more about that since I already said it in the post I wrote yesterday. But I hope that you know that you are deserving of all these good things in your life. That you are deserving of everything that you’ve gained even when you don’t feel good and it feels like another person did the amazing things that you’ve done. Remember that who you are is always enough. No matter how many times you make mistakes. No matter how many times you’ll fuck up in life. No matter what your brain makes you feel. You’re still are enough. Even the version of you 7 years ago who was sad, scared and lonely and just wanted to be heard was enough! You’ve made such a huge impact on millions of people all around the world who come from many different walks of life just by being a positive voice for them. Just by making them laugh and smile on a bad day. Just by saying something that they need to hear. Just by being you! I know that you probably already know all that but still. This is more just giving you a reassurance thing if you ever feel doubtful about yourself again. You mean a lot to so many people Seán. ...You mean so much to me. Seriously you do. In late March of 2020 it will be five years since I first discover you and your videos. Honestly Seán I don’t know who I’d be or where my life would be if I never discovered you. We’ve both changed so much since 2015. Back when I did first discover you though I was in one of the darkest places in my whole entire life. My anxiety and pessimistic thinking at the time was probably slowly killing me if I’m being honest. I wasn’t letting myself really enjoy anything because I was afraid of almost everything and I was mad at myself and because I was letting people’s negative opinions over things make me feel like a bad person for the things that I enjoyed too. I was always expecting the worst out of everything and everyone. I was forcing myself to not change at all. I fell into this deep depressing hole that I never thought I’d get myself out of. Then I started watching you and everything changed for the better. I was genuinely enjoying something without questioning why and just by your contagious positivity and really stupid jokes you broke this wall I was putting around myself. You inspired me and helped me find the strength I needed to finally change and to get myself out of this hole I put myself in. I realized that that I didn’t hate the world, people and most importantly myself. I learned important lessons that I needed to learn that have stuck with me even to this day and learned more about what I wanted from life and that was simply just to be happy with it. You helped me help myself Seán and I don’t think you’ll ever fully understand how much that means to me. Over these years you’ve made such huge impact on me and I see everything so much differently then I did back then because I’m a lot more optimistic. I feel like I’m a much better person because of everything I’ve learned and the influence you’ve had on me. This next thing I’m gonna say is probably gonna sound stupid and sappy as hell but I don’t care. In the back of my mind even on my worst days I thank God and the universe that I saw you in Mark’s FNAF 2 gmod video and for just being able to know of you. Let alone meeting you and having these small interactions on here or on other websites sometimes. I could never describe for the life of me how much everything you’ve given me or helped me learn has meant to me. :’) But don’t get wrong though I’m still not happy with my circumstances or where my life is. I still don’t know where I’m going or what I want to do with my life. That frustration and all that confusion has hit me extremely hard this year. I’ve realized how out of balance my life is and how tired I am of having to wait for things. I’m scared that I’m wasting my life away because I feel like I’m not making the most out of it... Plus this year I was dealing with bullshit with my health insurance that I ended up losing it for a few months. I couldn’t see my therapist and I had to go completely cold turkey off of my anxiety medicine. My anxiety has been awful this year and because it’s been so bad I slipped back into old bad habits from that dark time that I thought I’d let go of. I was feeling like a bad person for the things I enjoyed because of other people’s negative opinions over them and I was questioning why I was enjoying or was passionate about certain things. ...I’m scared to admit this to you and tell you this. But speaking as honestly as I can to you. One of the biggest things I was questioning was you. Not because of anything you really said or did it was just because during August and September especially something about you and your videos during that time felt off to me. Plus I just felt off about everything in my life and also because my anxiety can be a huge bitch to me on my worst days. But I was doubting this connection I’ve always felt towards you even before I ever saw you in a video. I was questioning why I was taking time out of my day to make posts about you and your videos because I felt like it was pathetic of me. Plus it didn’t help that I was sinking into this doubtful mentality when there was a ton of hate and gossip being said about you too. Not that I ever believed anything that was said it’s just that my anxiety was making me second guess my feelings and thoughts. Basically being like “Well you don’t really know him, how do you know he really is a good person?” But then you’d do something that proves me wrong or I just think more clearly later. Then all the drama that went down about the editor and honestly Sean that was the only situation in these last few months that made me really question you. Before I knew the full context of the situation I just assumed the worst which I shouldn’t have and honestly it was the first and one the only times you ever disappointed me and it made me loose a little bit of faith in you. Which I hate even saying because I don’t feel that way now and the last thing I want to do is make you anxious. But it’s the truth and I’d rather be honest about it with you. That’s why I’m happy that you talked about it and ever since you did I’ve gained all that faith back in you. The videos you’ve been uploading recently are the most fun I’ve had with your videos in months because it feels like you’re being more of yourself in your videos again. Not that I wasn’t enjoying anything before it’s just that everything I’ve went through with my anxiety this year was making me feel off about everything. But now I’m back on my insurance, I’m seeing my therapist again, I’m back on my medicine and have readjusted to being back on it too. I’m not questioning you anymore because a lot of things you’ve said and done recently have given me so much faith back in you and it’s really reassured me about my stupid doubts and how I feel. It’s all made me realize how happy I am to even just know of you and it’s reminded me of why I still respect and admire you and why you mean so much to me. I really do believe that you’re trying to take the community and the channel in a better direction for 2020 and I think that this video especially is proof of that. I feel disappointed in myself for letting my anxiety get the better of me and me just assuming the worst before I even knew the whole context. I guess the point I’m trying to make is that we’re both human and we both fuck up. What matters is how we handle those mistakes and to learn from them and be honest about them. No one is perfect by any means and I don’t ever expect you to be perfect. I expect you to be you. To try your best and to be the best person that you feel you can be. Which I think you’ve done a great job with. :) We’ve both have had ups and downs over the years Seán. We’ve both changed and grown as people. But no matter what happens in our lives or how things change or the mistakes we make along the way. I hope that we both can grow, change and learn and to take on this crazy adventure called life together in own ways. Let’s keep on living and changing Seán-Boy! :D Congratulations on 7 years and for 23 million subscribers! ^_^

-Vannessa

#Jacksepticeye #therealjacksepticeye #JSE #SepticShots

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we-link-building-techniques-blog · 5 years

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Link Building Techniques: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

However, some people are still unsure about what constitutes a good link or a bad connection. That information is essential in making intelligent SEO link building techniques decisions. They get into the techniques of building questionable links today - even without intention - and it is very likely that you are on the wrong side of a penalty, which costs you traffic and sales. Finding out about SEO is a top need for any keen entrepreneur. Here are the best SEO website SEO Tips INC that can help you to know more information about SEO.

That is why it is so important to understand exactly what type of links has a positive impact on ranking and are acceptable according to Google's webmaster guidelines .

So let's dig into the good, bad and ugly links.

This post will explain what type will harm your website, which has just wasted time by not improving the ranking and that will push you to the top of the search results.

On a related note, it is important to have a strategy instead of just building blind links. This will save you time, money and energy while improving your results.

Good connections

Good connections tend to be obtained naturally and are generally not scalable.

Organic latest link building techniques takes much more time and effort, but it also means that links I understand you are more valuable because they are more difficult for your competitors to match.

This gives you a more dominant position in your market, and that is what we are all looking for, right?

Editorial Links

The most obvious example of a good link is when, without the knowledge that, a journalist (or collaborator or blogger) is so surprised by you, your company or your products or services that they take the initiative to write an article about you and link to your website. Contrary to what some in the SEO community (including Google) claim, this is quite rare.

It's just as good is when a personal relationship leads to a similar situation, either directly or through an introduction to a journalist, contributor or blogger - provided there is legitimate value to your audience in your story. For example, in a recent article on the role of traditional public relations in SEO that I wrote for another search publication, I have included several quotes and a link from a friend who has a large and successful PR company precisely because his vision was incredibly valuable. for the public, thanks to his extensive experience.

Guest Blogging

Guest blogs, when done correctly, occupies only a little below the two previous examples in terms of value, mainly because while the website that has been published in editorial supervision account is still produced by you instead of a third party more objective

It is imperative that these articles provide value to your audience and not be there just for a link. In fact, because Google has harshly repressed guest displacement as a link building tactic, I think it's better to be too cautious to go far beyond value expectations and be extremely conservative in terms of outbound links. to your own website.

To play it safe, any guest blogs must be done with the intention of building your brand and reaching a wider audience - instead of building links. Advanced link building techniques is simply a byproduct of doing a great job on that.

Niche Directories

In general, directories are almost dead. However, highly focused place directories can still be a valuable source of links.

That said, you can only find a handful of worthwhile directories focused on your niche, and your SEO value will vary dramatically, but it is definitely worth analyzing. You should expand your thinking beyond the traditional idea of a web directory and look at professional organizations, specific network-niche groups and professional associations, as well because most have a directory of members these days.

When evaluating a directory, you will want to make sure that:

Have an investigation process, instead of accepting anyone willing to pay the fee.

Periodically publish valuable content that search engines can access and index.

Regularly prune broken links of members who no longer have an active website.

This may seem too puritanical, but I would avoid directories that allow keywords in the anchor text of the listings.

The promotion of good connections

Gone are the days of anchor text precisely matching the keyword phrases you want to rank. It looks unnatural, and therefore easily identifiable by Google's algorithm, that only continue to improve in pattern detection thanks to artificial intelligence .

When someone else links to you without your input, the link text tends to be quite natural, so you don't have much to worry about. When you are the one who creates the links, however, for example, when you are an accounting guest, you have to be much more careful because your own actions (compared to those of a third party) can be seen with much greater scrutiny if any Once checked manually.

There is a time and place for the exact match anchor text, but in most cases, you tend to opt for something more descriptive, as I did in the previous link to my SEJ article on artificial intelligence. You should also generally link to the most relevant internal page instead of the page (unless you are quoting the company, in which case you must use the company name instead of a keyword).

The ugly links

While it may be easy to produce such links in large numbers, they will not have much impact (if any) on their organic classification.

The investment of time in the production of this type of links is a waste of time, money and energy, since it will never generate much of a return on investment.

To make matters worse, if you use these link building tactics - even though they are not effective - you are likely to suffer a penalty.

Posting Guest in the Scale

If you have been in the SEO industry for more than a few years, you will probably remember when article directories were the hot new thing and you could simply shoot a program to submit your article to thousands of these websites at once. Most of these programs even had the ability to “turn” or modify the content, resulting in a “unique” article for each presentation. This created a strip of garbage websites that was useless for anything other than the publication of advertisements within the content mostly useless and redundant.

Those days have been left behind thanks to God. However, even when done manually and on a smaller scale, this tactic is problematic when you are doing it primarily to establish links as it creates obvious patterns that Google's algorithm can easily identify.

Links from non-relevant websites

There is virtually no value in the links on the website of a divorce lawyer to the website of a general contractor. Nowadays Google is quite good at identifying the theme of a website, and usually only a significant weight is assigned to links that are relevant to its purpose. No matter how easy it can be to acquire a link, do not waste your time if it is not relevant.

Header, footer and sidebar links

Google doesn't give much weight to links in certain areas of a web page, including headers, footers and sidebars. In general, links throughout the site are a bad idea except in a few cases:

Linking to a relevant sister publication that is the owner. For example, if Huffington Post linked to your edition of India, that would be fine. However, if a general contractor and a mortgage company were run, a link across the site from one to the other would be risky.

Identification of the software that runs a website, as seen with most content management, blogs, and e-commerce systems.

The identification of who designed a website.

An important caveat here is that while it is not necessary to use the nofollow attribute in these links, you need to use brand terms such as the company or publication name instead of rich anchor text keywords.

Bad links

Further down the rabbit hole are links that should be avoided at all costs.

You must repudiate the bad links you have used in the past, as it will absolutely result in a penalty when you are inevitably caught. From that point forward, Google will begin to see its link building efforts with much more scrutiny.

When you have landed on Google radar, any action that may have been dismissed as an honest mistake will now be seen as an attempt to manipulate without ethical classification.

The paid links

You might be thinking that you can get away with the purchase of paid links, because you are doing it on a small scale and / or through personal relationships, right?

That sounds plausible, until it is considered that if the owner of a website is selling links to you, they are more likely to sell links to at least a couple of other people as well, and those people are more likely. of buying links from other websites. You can see how quickly the network expands from there.

Think about how many people, buyers and sellers, are really involved, and then wonder how difficult it would be for an organization with Google’s data and resources to identify paid links. All they need to do is pick up a buyer or seller and follow the links to identify the other buyers and sellers.

Comment or Spam Forum

While it is easy to launch attacks against thousands of links to forums and blog comment sections, it is also easy to destroy your brand by doing this because you are hitting your spam links across someone else's website.

In addition, the links in the blog comments section are nofollow, and many nofollow forums outbound links, as well, so you will not see much, if any, the SEO benefit, but you will open yourself to the risk of a penalty based on the link. Especially since you are going to anger other website owners that you will be more than happy to inform Google.

General Directories

We have already discussed how local directories have the potential to be valuable. However, general directories like the plague should be avoided.

These are the epitome of everything Google hates because they usually accept any website (except those that promote pornography, gambling, or violence), as long as you are willing to pay your fee.

This is a classic example of a paid link. The directory is not relevant to your website, and in most cases, it lacks any useful content.

Private Blog Networks

Why go through the trouble of building legitimate links when you can install WordPress in a few dozen domains and link to any website you want at any time?

Well, for starters, as with paid links, it is quite easy for Google to identify networks of private blogs, which leads to penalties in the short term, and greater scrutiny in the long term.

The most important reason for not using private blog networks as a link building techniques is that you will still have to publish a lot of high quality original content and create inbound links for blogs on the network in order to have any value. absolutely.

That time, money and energy would be better spent creating amazing content and earning inbound links to your own website.

When the majority of legitimate website owners are considered to work continuously to produce new content and gain new links, the value of a link from their website to theirs continuously becomes more valuable.

conclusion

Links are an essential part of SEO today, but if you don't know what type violates Google guidelines, you can easily end up doing more harm than good.

The links will not disappear as a ranking factor at any time in the foreseeable future, so it is important that you understand exactly what type will improve your ranking, what not, and perhaps most importantly, what type you will get Your website penalized type.

#SEO #WEBSITE #website ranking

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anxious-amethyst · 5 years

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I don’t see people go into the nitty gritty bits of mental health..

And I mean those details that I find not many people speak of. As if its taboo to mention we are human. I have a filter made of cling wrap with giant holes in it. And the cling wrap bunches up in places too, distorting the words to others’ perspectives; making me come off as a bitch. (I truly am a very kind person, I am just bad with social skills at times.) My point being, that I have no problem speaking my truth to all of you invisible faces that may or may not see this. I’m sure down the road, if I ever finish and publish my novel and become J.K. Rowling famous (a dream of mine) that this can easily be dug up. I will smile with a small laugh in that interview with Stephen Colbert and be frank.

The tags come at the end of a post and not everyone filters everything that makes them (is it squick? what was that word that is a better replacement for trigger..) So as a heads up, if you absolutely can’t stand the thought of body, hmm, uh functions I suppose. (Not sure what category my topic falls in to) then I have given you an escape rope. (Now I want to play Pokemon again.)

As I am being completely honest and transparent, I literally can’t seem to figure out when A. my nervous breakdown began (still in it) and B. when I last showered, heck even brushed my teeth. Now I know several things, thankfully. One being that I have not left the house this whole week from April 14th to today, April 20th. Easter is tomorrow and I am forcing myself (to the best of my abilities) to attend Church and the whole family get together. My plan being, Church is for God and you owe it to him and yourself to go and be lifted up. Family gathering is going to be hell, no point sugar coating it. So bring a book and think of the Strawberry/Pretzel Casserole that Aunt Faith hopefully made and the sweet pickles that Pop-Pop usually brings. Remember to be kind to yourself and fake a smile, these are the people you do NOT want to be honest with. Lie through your ass like your life depends on it because in a way, it does. You are not obligated to say anything more than hello, give hugs however because you need and love them. Do speak for a bit so as not to be rude. But the book is your safety net. Deploy it ASAP. And somehow get your loving cousin to attach to your sister instead.

A nitty gritty part that is not gross, is the withdrawal... from everyone. Like I’m straight up not talking to anyone unless I have to, and society is out of my mind. I do however, happily speak with my irl friend when she messages. I know she is busy though and has her own problems so I try to censor my frankness quite a bit because she doesn’t deserve that kind of worry. Unfortunately, my parents and sister are not able to be kept out of the whole truth for their protection. They see it. I don’t even have to say a thing. I have been threatened with a, how to put this nicely, place full of even crazier people imo and where they drug you to the high heavens. Yeah. I’m not flying over the cuckoo’s nest. (Deep terror of those places, this will not be helpful to me.) But that gives you an idea of how bad this breakdown is. The other thing I know, is that it started on Sunday. I’m inclined to believe that it was the April 14th Sunday, but am unsure as it still feels like Monday. So maybe this breakdown is heading into a week, maybe not. One thing is, those websites were right. The longer a breakdown continues, the worse it gets. Each day is less and less food, water, and movement. And that’s just basic necessities. I’m trying to hold out for my therapist appointment coming up next week. She has so many people though, that each appointment is a week or two, sometimes more, away. Not exactly the best mental treatment for my situation, I admit. But I am stubborn, perhaps that stubborness can save me while I also shoot myself in the foot. Its possible.

Now for the gross nitty gritty. Apologies for the many tangents, turns out when you don’t talk to anyone for a week, you end up with a lot to say. Good news! I finally showered AND shaved my armpits which hadn’t been shaved in months. So they can breathe I guess, and my skin can breathe too LOL. But with depression can come fatigue. I have that. So a normal depressed person can be way too exhausted to even think of a shower. For others, it may be some other form of hygiene. All forms of hygiene have died with my depression. On top of that, the bitch depression bought a horrible, mangy dog with her called Executive Dysfunction. This mutt dogs your every step. (Thank God, depression didn’t steal my love for jokes, puns, and metaphors.) Some people have depression that goes an extra step and brings about the literal destruction of that executive function system in their brain. (I just mean that the signals are all fucked up.) And then, some people with both of these also have Anxiety! So they end up with all of these contradicting thoughts and emotions that in the end, makes tasks, like showering, unaccomplishable. Now there are many other conditions that bring about these issues, I am aware, but I am speaking of my own and know for a fact that I can’t be the only one with these kinds of experiences. So this gross factor goes out to all of those who have experienced the same level of cringe or worse, and aren’t up to the potential ridicule that comes with expressing your truth. (To be clear, I’m not dedicating a gross thing to you out of spite, I just mean I’m making a problem you have encountered, heard as well.)

By the end of the shower, I could barely make it. I was slowing down realllll fast. The NeebsGaming video I was listening to on YouTube is what got me through the shower. Gosh those guys are great. I shaved my armpits before washing my body because I figured stray hair or shaving cream might be in the crevice of one’s arm that I legit can’t see, even with glasses. Between the amount of hair that came out of my head during scrubbing shampoo like a madman, any stray dog hairs that my head picked up from my pillow which my dog sleeps on when he waits for me to snuggle, and the long armpit hair; the drain was kinda blocked. Our shower has that metal thing with holes in it, so its not as terrifying of a drain. But excessive hair or large lumps of solid soap (from a soap bar) can block off a hole. Or in my case, all. So water is not draining, which naturally means the tub is filling. My body is slowing down and I’m trying to push through it while not thinking of the disgusting water approaching my feet. If you’ve ever washed your hands after not washing them for ages and touching many things out in the world, the water, and sometimes soap, turns varying shades of gray. Depends on the dirt particles and amount of dirtiness.Well I has transparent, because its water, charcoal shaded water approaching me. As if my own filth refused to leave my body and was threatening to drag me down the drain with it.

When I finally finished and got out of the shower, I almost decided to just leave it. Thinking that maybe it will eventually drain on its own. I’m glad I didn’t. I began reaching my hand down to the drain and told myself not to think too much about how pubic hair makes me cringe and how pulling hair from a drain in general, makes me gag. Its a disturbing act if you ask me. Now I’m struggling to get armpit hair off of my hand and there’s somehow still loads more! So I dry my other hand on my towel and rip off a piece of toilet paper. The water is still not draining and I disturbed the many hairs when I went for the first grab. So now I am fishing in charcoal water for clumps of armpit hair. Then wiping it onto the paper. The water finally drains..... oh no.... I kid you not, a whole fucking trail of dirt was left on both sides of the tub on the water’s way to the drain. I take the showerhead and turn it on. Now I’m washing hair and dirt and some other substance I couldn’t see at the time (nearsighted plus the tub is white) down the drain. Except the hair covers the drain again. Typical. At least the dirt and the tub was rinsed. Since there’s no more water, I take a sheet of toilet paper again, and save myself from having to deal with pubic hair that sticks to any surface. (Seriously, what is the deal with pubic hair.) But there’s something else in it. And a lot of this something else. Like a whole body’s worth. The pubic hair is laced with large clumps of tannish, white (my skin color) skin cells. Now I have rubbed my arm before and made a trail of dead skin rolled up into fine lines appear. In the shower I wiped my face with my hand and pulled away that same rolled up skin. But I have never, experienced this amount of filth from myself before. I am still rubbing off some skin, so I probably should have washed my body a second time.

When you become so “broken” that you can’t seem to take care of yourself in a normal time and a healthy manner, you get to learn new things about the human body and experience some events that you probably could have gone your whole life without knowing. And that is something that I feel should be shared more often. That when the person who experienced this, opens up to those they trust, or to a complete stranger, that an appropriate reaction and response be given.

Julie: And then I saw large clumps of my own skin!

Tyrone: Oh damn girl, that is nasty.

Julie: I know right! But the saddest part is, it probably won’t be the last time. I don’t think its enough to get me to shower regularly.

Tyrone: Julie, while that isn’t “fine”, it is fine. It is understandable. You are experiencing and suffering from a very real problem. While I can’t confidently say it is or isn’t in your control because I’m no psychologist or whatever, I can confidently say that it won’t always be like this. I doubt that your whole life will be this mess that you are in. Now you may not be back to peak function a year from now, but you will definitely be more knowledgeable of yourself and probably better than you are today. It takes time and so long as God doesn’t need you in Heaven, I’d say you have time. *chuckles* I don’t know all that you are going through, I just met you. And I don’t know how to help you in a way that you may need. But I can certainly offer an ear or two, and a hug if you want one. You just keep on trucking on. You aren’t doing much, and you aren’t doing well. But you are here, and that’s an achievement in of itself.

Julie: Wow, thanks Tyrone. This really helped. One weight on my chest has been lifted, and I will take you up on that hug if you don’t mind.

That’s what it should be like. So if you are reading this and are like Tyrone, not suffering from mental health issues, but you know someone who is, or a stranger comes up to you in need of someone to listen to them; be like him. Offer encouragement and understanding, give advice if asked for it, don’t force physical contact without consent because some people are paranoid (like me) and choose your words and expressions carefully. If someone tells you something gross, react like you are grossed out (which you likely are) but don’t put them down for it. I imagine Tyrone to have that expression of “holy cow, you serious that this happened” when he said it was nasty. That easy going expression can clue Julie in on how he isn’t getting on her, or implying anything sexist by how she is a woman and shouldn’t be this filthy. He’s jovially charismatic, and open. That makes Julie comfortable and feel lighter. Now I included religion in Tyrone’s comment to tack on some humor without making jokes at Julie’s expense, and to show how to appropriately use your spirituality, if you have one. He’s not forcing it down her throat, she may not get the satire of the joke, but he tried. Not to mention, that Heaven, in Christianity, is a place where you are whole and happy. When you go to Heaven, you are with God and your loved ones. You live an eternal life of peace. So for him to imply that she is worth God’s eyes and Heaven, means that he respects her and is lifting her up. Bonus, he is reassuring her that while time is not infinite and we don’t know what the future holds for us, as of today, she still has plenty of time to get back on the track that she desires to be on. Instilling hope and faith. If you were on Julie’s side of life, wouldn’t you want a kind and funny Tyrone to listen and talk to?

#gross tw #depression #anxiety #executive dysfunction #long post #mental health #advice #personal #christianity

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ifiwantmagicinmylife · 6 years

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About the Shannara finale & season in general

This is gonna be long so…

First of all, i wanna be very clear. I’m not trying to spread hate for the show. I love this show. i would never say anything hateful cause i appreciate how this show is and how it wants to be, and i don’t want it to be cancelled due to negativity. I’ve just been frustrated about it…at least lets say since the finale, and I’m writing this to try to get it out of my system.

First of all, I’m a wilretria shipper. since day 1 Eretria&Wil have been my babies. so I’m sure you can see where some of my frustration comes from.

Second. From day one my favourite characters have been Eretria, Allanon and Ander (see why my frustration?)

Eretria: I love Ivana. when she won the Goya award i clapped like crazy. And then turned our Eretria was awesume. Anything anyone would want to be. Strong, an amazing fighter, brave, loyal….and as we also learn, kind and even sweet.

Allanon: i love Manu since i don’t know when, so him being the druid guy…i knew it was gonna be badass. and then it was. and i couldn’t love Allanon more.

Ander: the cool friendly uncle. helping niece to run the race, going to get her at the party like “omg girl you look stunning, that’s ma niece” and then talking relationships with her. I JUST LOVED HIM. and then he also made impossiblefor me to focus on tragic moments. i don’t tag him “the ‘dat ass’ elf” for no reason…

Well, so far you can see season 2 has not given me happiness in this matter. 1 became ashes and the other a waterfall (sort of)

What frustrates me about these is, well..the books. I still haven’t read them, cause i was waiting for the end of the season, but i read a couple of things, from which i got that Ander&Allanon probs both died on the 3rd book. Ok, i can deal with that but...I can’t? cause I thought this season was filling a gap between book 2 and 3. but that’s ok i guess. follow the book way too early.

But what gets me about this is that then I can think or say, “ok, so i guess then they will also follow the book for Eretria and Wil, right? I mean…cmon. It doesn’t seem like that for now, but you know, that’s what a season 3 would be for”, but then people say “oh cmon, the tv show doesn’t have to follow the book, stop with the books”. But the thing is, season 1 was very much like the book from what I’ve heard. I remember reading in the Nerdist website they said they wanted to keep it very similar to the book, that they only made Eretria have more depth and do something more than FALL IN LOVE WITH WIL AND FOLLOW HIM AROUND (sorry, dunno why that capbloq itself…oh wait, i do) So, they are gonna follow and even make happen ahead of time things that happen in the book, but others..neeeh. ok, that frustrates me.

And one other thing, since i’m talking about my ship. I feel wilretria shippers have been mostly completely silent this season. I don’t think we have created any drama regarding Lyria. We just kept getting blows and letting that relationship happen without saying a thing. Because we fear if we say anything we will be called “homophobic”, get hate and things like that. And it is frustrating cause we aren’t voicing ourselves because we aren’t dicks, and we are letting everyone enjoy their ship, but this may ruin any chance of our ship happening if they think we don’t care. And we are seeing it getting even harder with the Mareth thing. So i want you to understand, i don’t care if Eretria has a gf, she is bi so she can have all the gfs she wants. But shutting out Wil completly as a possibility cause yes...no. I love Wil and Eretria even since before i watched the show. I do care, so much.

Now about season 2 in general:

PROS

Garet Jax or “jarjar gax” how i like to call him for funsies. total badass. I wished we could have know what was his past entirely cause it seemed interesting, dammit.

Mareth: She was cute and sassy, a magic user in a different way we had seen, which was cool! and then, related to Allanon, which is great considering we also know nothing about Allanon, or Mareth’s mom. So nice, she could be anything and take us anywhere

And on that note, something I’ve always appreciated about this show, from Tilton, to Allanon, to the gardener, to the background actors, to the rovers & elf hunters...this world really seems like a real post-apocaliptic world cause there’s people from all etnicities. these season some more in leads. good show

This stupid season made me love Wil. That lil bitch annoyed me so much. But he is too cute. And we saw him in his lows and in his highs. using the magic unwisely, hugging the hell out of Eretria when it turned out she wasn’t dead (this poor kid, i swear to god. a whole year thinking he lost Amberle and Eretria; the latest being his fault for leaving her behind). Also he made his peace with Allanon awww. And to be honest I love his death scene. It mirrored Amberle’s and now all our 3 heroes have died to save everyone (let’s not forget ma rover bleeding herself out, ok?) And thank whomever must be thanked, he isn’t dead. You can’t die when i start to love you, a-hole. tho that’s what this show does to me.

Eretria: We got to see where she comes from, what will be her challenges and how her loyalty to her friends is stronger and bigger than anyone could ever have thought. Also she was badass as always.

Ander. I mean, Ander is everything. anything with Ander was the best scene ever. dat ass. best king ever. bless. he also said Eretria is family and at this point I dunno if i want Eretria to marry Wil or him cause honestly “yes, i remember when i met your mom...i fell for her instantly. i mean, she kicked me in the face and let me unconcious, but..” is a great “meetcute” Also the threw that traitor down the waterfall omg my king is so fucking badass.

Allanon: i mean...pfft it’s allanon. everything about him is a pro, duh. Giving him a family and showing him caring for Wil was nice too. he is not a heartless guy. he loves all this crazy kids.

Bandon, Riga, Warlock lord: god, you bunch of asshoooles. i hate you all so muuuuch. Good bad guys :) The warlock lord became my hero when he de-headed Riga. you deserve it biiitch omgggg for Andeeeer. Then the Bandon thing...i mean...poor Bandon, but bitch, you had everyone occupied and Riga killed Ander. Then my new hero warlock lord killed that ship traitor Allanon (i was like that’s what you get! but then he was cursed and became ashes....and i was like, ok a bit too much) and then he did the other thing and i was disappointed on my new hero. i was all “i was rooting for youu” They all where awesume at being bad. is awesume having such great baddies

I can’t believe i almost forgot her

Ambertree: or Amberle, as you prefer. I really didn’t want her to be back for the sake of my ship. but I also did start crying when i saw her in the trailer. So i guess i love her too. And seeing her was so nice. I missed the elf princess. but stay as a tree please Amberle. (ps, also wtf amberle you too with the Mareth thing, i take it back, i hate everyone on this show)

CONS

Ander: Can you please explain to me what the hell has this poor thing done to deserve this shit? His brother dies. he becomes this depressed drinking ball of an elf and loses his gf. years later his dad, his bro, half of his goddamn castle, his ex he still loves die. ALL DIE. His niece becomes a tree. And he has to be king. Also Eretria kicked him in the face (i kind of ship it) And then we get to season 2 and the girl he is with s murdered (....i wasn’t on board of this anyway cause god Catania, you effed the Bandon inprisonment, didn’t ya. but if Ander my love was happy. but no. and then he gets murdered trying to save this girl (Eretria i’m never going to forgive you for being up to tell her to get up and run, but not to throw a knife and save my elf husband). and so the story of Ander ends. Being throw down the traitors waterfall, where no one can recover his body and give him the royal funeral he deserves. I will forever be bitter about this, i kid you not. #longlivetheking

Allanon: Again, my babies cant catch a break. He is trying to stop Bandon, turns out he has a daughter with his loved one and we don’t get to see them become dad and daughter. I had already accepted he was gonna die because i read someone saying “after what happens in book 3″ And then he drops that “you and mareth are ma ship” bomb. my brain: “oh you asshole how dare you to compare them with you and Pyria. You can die now, byeeeee” (i’m evil, i know).

Eretria: I feel this season didn’t do much for her. I guess she did all the development she could do in season 1. But i feel they mistreated her a lot. I get she has a girlfriend, or so, cause at some point she had broken up with her i think...but i feel the way they made her interact with Wil was just weird. The little times they interacted. that was annoying. (those two have so much chemistry they have to keep ‘em apart or we all would be arranging their wedding by the “welcome back, shorttips”) Eretria has always been in love with Wil, let’s be honest. We all saw her face the day Wil said “there is no us” or when she saw him kissing Amberle. We all know without Amberle in the picture things would be very different. Does no one really remember he was up for it the same day he met Eretria? and then some days after in the palace room? (also let me point out Eretria does love will cause to rob some stones she could have giving him an “Ander” and leave. but she didn’t. she stayed, and said would never call him shortips again). So this two at the very least had the hots for each other to begin with. Also let me remind you how Wil cried when Eretria died. He used the stones for something else than killing a demon for the first time to save her (if that doesn’t scream love, soulmates, endgame or whatever, i dunno what does) And this season, tho they have kept giving us sweet moments of the two, where we shippers kept our hopes high (the tree girl was gone, this was out moment), and we hoped to see THEM FALL IN LOVE AND GET TOGETHER (since its a space between books, you know)... and that’s why the complete anulation of this ship is so painful for some of us. We felt Amberle was some sort of puppy teenage love, and Eretria would be the true love woman for Wil....but no. anyway...a Shannara and a child of the Apocalypse. Good magic & (bad/good) magic. ancient kings blood, ancient humans blood. like honestly.

Wil: I’m not gonna blame the poor kid for being an emo and be mad at the world, cause his life went to shit last epi of last season (if not all season in general). And i honestly developed love for him this season. BUT...this thing about him and Mareth...I feel it came out of nowhere. They were just friends and then one day she makes eyes to him and he makes eyes to her? there wasn’t even a big thing where i could say, where there they realized they love each other...and out of nowhere they are the biggest love story eveeer. im sorry, no. i can’t. I get everyone loves them, but i...no. (again, i guess is the wilretria shipper in me who sees more past and more development in the relationship and that this was happening too quickly out of nowhere) (Also the pre-death kiss, that was i guess so romantic and adfghjklñ....kinda ruined the scene for me. like “oh ffs, die already, Wil!”*narrow*” was a thing that happened in my brain)

Others: I dont think I have much complains about the others. One of the only ones is Lyria’s storyline. i feel like the only thing i saw her do was mope and cry? and that one time she stood up to her mom, planned a wedding with Ander and once held a sword (which i feel they really exploded to make her look badass)...i feel like they made this character to be the love interest, and im sorry for it cause it could have been so much more. Also that “don’t wanna be a princess I’m running away but yas i wanna be queen” thing...does it even make sense for the person we were introduced to? also it was the fact that I had to buy into her love story with Eretria. When i saw in the trailer she was gonna have a gf i was like, oh no...more difficulties for my ship, but hey yes, let’s see what happened here. But then...i didn’t know anything about them? when did they meet? how long have they been dating? “where you go, i go”...where does that come from? how did i know what Lyria’s mom told Eretria about her saying that to everyone wasn’t true? Maybe my ship blinds me, but i feel this relationships started as if i started season 1 with will and Amberle frickfracking and then she becoming a tree and I’m supposed to be super sad, but i can’t I don’t know if it makes sense since i shipped Pyria and Allanon since moment 1 but that’s probably my “omg star crossed lovers, him staying young while she grows old, not seeing each other in 30 years shdfadlgfhañsla” loser heart Mareth: I was here for the magic kids friendship until it stopped being a friendship. now she is ruining my life. and i don’t appreciate it.

((me being annoying: also the blingbling palace was too much for me, omg did i miss Arborlon))

Ok, I think that is all. I know it seems like I didn’t like this season, but omg, i loved it. it was so intense all the time, and so many awesume fights, and some great new characters. Is just that I had hopes for my ship just to see them sinking more and more. at this point I’m Artax and my ship is more a submarine.

I can’t wait to see what they do in season 3 (and probably cry and hate everyone cause my ship sinks), but this show is too good to end forever in a “to be continued”. I want my babies back

and please show, stop getting people i love into #crispinskorner

#me watches tv #the shannara chronicles

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fancypantshoodlum · 7 years

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ALBUM REVIEW: HAIM ‘Something To Tell You’

The wait is over! HAIM's second album is here, but it's not like they've been completely off the radar.

There was that collab single with Bastille which was fun, 'Pray To God' with Calvin Harris - a leftover from the 'Days Are Gone' sessions that I'm hoping the original pops up on an anniversary reissue in, gosh, 2023, 'Holes In The Sky' from the soundtrack of the 2nd Divergent movie that I wasn't feeling at all, and their cover of Tame Impala's ‘Cause I'm a Man' which is BETTER than the original (sorry Kevin).

While all this was happening, they were making an indelible but overlooked mark on the pop and cultural landscape - which I’ll elaborate on in seven topics

TRENDSETTING

I started hearing their inventive brand of polyrhythmic synth guitar pop crop up in tunes like Shura's 'Touch' (lowkey soulful icy synth HAIM), 'Emotion' by Carly Rae Jepson (Latin Freestyle HAIM) and most recently Paramore's 'Told You So' and 'Forgiveness' (all of the above).

Just like The Strokes East Village thrift was hugely influential back in the day on Mens fashion (what Spin magazine hilariously described as “part Bowery Boys, part CK One hotties”)

HAIM definitely popularized a uber long hair, leather jacket and cropped shorts LA boho look that was practically everywhere in 2014/5 (or maybe just in the hipster places I hang :P )

There is an actual website called What Would HAIM Wear?

DAYS ARE GONE MARK II

Now here we are with 'Something To Tell You' - not a repudiation but builds on 'Days Are Gone' - a sequel and clear step forward that's more confident and audacious in its approach and teeming with new musical ideas and different sonic textures.

While still largely stuck to love songs, the lyrics represent a quantum leap in terms of thoughtfulness and maturity.

THE INTERPRETATION GAME

The first glimpse of this record we got was 'Right Now' which came in the form of a video filmed as they recorded a take - giving an instant impression of muso credibility. a down tempo, foreboding ballad, not really a summer jam but hot on it's heels came 'Want You Back' the euphoric banger if there ever was one.

Lyrically they could be two sides of one story, 'Right Now' a tempestuous rebuke against an dishonest ex whose come crawling back. Like an argument that evolves into a full on row , the song builds and builds with each incrimination like thunder, a guitar squalls, Taiko drum patterns rumble - and then it all explodes. 'Want You Back' the ex, having gone back into the dating world, realises that they miss the narrator, apologises '' I’ll take the fall and the fault in us. I’ll give you all the love I never gave before I left you''.

'Want You Back' has the wistful wisdom of a folk song which makes complete sense when you learn that it was originally written as a much slower song on an acoustic guitar. I remember John Lennon saying on The Beatles Anthology Documentary (or it could've been from Ian MacDonald's Beatles book 'Revolution In The Head') that whatever instrument a song is written on influences the flavour of the song, and its defo left its mark.

I really love 'Night So Long' though. The desolate blend of echoic harmony, ambient guitar twang & weeping melodies gives it a real nocturnal, countrified, dark night of the soul vibe to it. a lovelorn hymn that's really evocative of post break up, being lost in quiet despair, resigned to another crack around the merry-go-round of Love - for the narrator Romantic Love is a Sisyphean act

I could get really SAT English Literature with my interpretations of these songs but I'll spare you the pain lol

STUDIO AS AN INSTRUMENT

One of the common critics of HAIM albums, especially this sophomore release is that it's over produced. To be honest it's no more heavily produced than a classic Neptunes track or Timbaland one a decade before and Trevor Horn back in the 80s.

The Daddy of them all being Phil Spector whose Wall of Sound approach was a dense aesthetic that included an array of orchestral instruments—strings, woodwind, brass and percussion—not previously associated with pop music, characterizing his methods as "a Wagnerian approach to rock & roll: little symphonies for the kids".

Brian Wilson, a huge Spector fan, used a similar recording technique, especially during the Pet Sounds and Smile eras of the Beach Boys, the most recognizable examples being "God Only Knows", "Wouldn't It Be Nice" and especially, the psychedelic "pocket symphony" of "Good Vibrations"

Wilson says "Before Spector, people recorded all the instruments separately. They got great piano, great guitar, and great bass. But he thought of the song as one giant instrument. It was huge. Size was so important to him, how big everything sounded. And he had the best drums I ever heard."

‘Something To Tell You’ (and ‘Days are Gone’ too) is very much in the spirit of Spector but with a modern vernacular. ‘Ready For You’, ‘Want You Back’ and the title song are really sonically dense and defly work in a lot of elements.

The dichotomy of the synthetic, adventurous interpretation of the songs on the record compared to the more reigned in, organic live version isn’t unique to HAIM.

Led Zeppelin live were, as legendary rock critic Lester Bangs described them, 'a thunderous, near-undifferentiated tidal wave of sound that doesn't engross but envelops to snuff any possible distraction' or in Robert Plant's words it was a "very animal thing, a hellishly powerful thing,". In contrast Page's production on the records gave their songs a sense of auditory cinema to what could have been, in a less-imaginative producer’s hands, simply bombastic rock songs.

There’s all sorts of panning and added the effects, echo-chambered voice drops into a small explosion of fuzz-tone guitar, including using Low Frequency Oscillators on tape machines that was really startling to hear at the time.

I had qualms about the use of pitched vocals that are at the start of ‘Little of Your Love’ and in the call back in the chorus of ‘Right Now’, because in the latter I thought it undercut the poignancy by having something so alien sounding in something so human, and the prior I thought a synthetic touch in something so throwback was jarring – like T Pain at the start of Springsteen’s ‘Hungry Heart’ – but maybe not a teenager who hasn’t grown up with sounds being rigidly compartmentalized in genres the way people did in the 20th century.

SIDE NOTE: In fact it could be argued that auto tune / vocal pitch shifting (techniques for deliberate misusing of programs designed for correcting pitch as a way of colourizing the human voice with distortion) is the musical signature of the 2010’s the same way a Wah-Wah pedal makes you think of the 60s or the sound of a Fairlight CMI is very 80s. Which if true makes Cher’s ‘Believe’ ridiculously ahead of it’s time – the pop equivalent of what The MC5 were to Punk?

SPOT THE INFLUENCES

Critics love to play ‘Spot the Influences’: X sounds as if The Reminder-era Feist fused together the acoustic riffs of ‘I Don't Want to Know’ and ‘Never Going Back Again’ – it weirdly reminds me of families gathered around a new-born baby talking about how it has it’s mother’s eyes but grandfathers nose – all these are just cosmetic judgements that are useful to introduce the uninitiated to artists they’ve never heard about but music, like babies, are more than the sum of their parts.

When critics would name check Fleetwood Mac in reference to HAIM in 2013 it always felt tenuous though I knew what they meant – the songs didn’t sound like Fleetwood Mac in the autonomy of the song structure but in the emotional resonance. People hadn’t heard a guitar pop band sing about relationships like that, in a style like that for a long time – since probably Fleetwood Mac and so made the connection – but the fab ‘You Never Knew’ completely pastiches the gossamer textures of Tango In The Night era Fleetwood Mac in its production to its detriment I think because every time it starts I’m half expecting Christine McVie to come on and tell me sweet little lies.

NO GENRES

I once stumbled on a useful insight about art criticism from an article that the writer and journalist Janet Malcolm wrote in response to vitriolic critiques on J.D Salinger's writing made by literary luminaries such as Updike and Didion: ''negative contemporary criticism of a masterpiece can be helpful to later critics, acting as a kind of radar that picks up the ping of the work’s originality''.

Now, I’m not saying this record is a masterpiece - It's really good - but unpacking and investigating the critiques have lead me to some interesting places, like this douchey one from the Guardian.

‘’…Haim were swiftly co-opted by the world of mainstream pop, which seems less interested in their place within a lineage of classic Californian rock than their way with a honeyed melody.’’

From the off this is not true because they did tour with Florence and The Machine and play the big pop extravaganza that was Chime For Change before they even dropped an album. This smells more like a Luddite Gen Xer hang up about transgressing the dividing lines between musical genres.

Music critic Lizzy Goodman on the promo trail for her excellent book ‘Meet Me In The Bathroom’ a thrilling 600-page oral history of New York’s Rock renaissance of the 2000s - brought up a fantastic point on a podcast about the analogue kids of The Strokes generation and their Post Napster successors Vampire Weekend, Grimes and HAIM etc.

Listen to that podcast here (it’s brilliant)

https://soundcloud.com/the-watch-podcast/lizzy-goodman-on-the-rebirth-of-rock-n-roll-in-new-york-city-from-2001-to-2011-ep-153

but here’s the paraphrased version of what I want to highlight:

Interviewer: The time between ‘Is This It?’ and Vampire Weekend’s self-titled debut is 7 years – one was the beginning of something and one was the end of something.

LIZZY GOODMAN: You could imagine The Strokes debuting in 2008 but you could not imagine Vampire Weekend happening in 2001 because there is no Ezra brain without the internet.

Interviewer: When I interviewed Ezra for Spin, I became the most oldest man in the universe! I was so angry, I was like: ‘’how dare you go to an Ivy League school, be white and like Hip Hop’’ says the guy who went to an Ivy League school, was white and loved Hip Hop, but how dare you talk about it (so well) and have fluency in all these different worlds and jump between things and never break a sweat.

LG: He’s literally like ‘I don’t know what you mean?’

This is normal to a Millennial but to a Gen Xer that level of musical sophistication is unheard of because they didn’t have the access to everything ever recorded pooled together in one space that the internet is. This Age of Musical Plenty has freed people up from the rigid lock of genre and toward an eclectic palette which is also reflected in the music they make.

BAND BY IT'S COVER

I LOVE ALBUM ART! (I'm also a keen linear notes reader *did you know there's a Grammy for best linear notes? musicians take note lol*) when done right they're great windows into the tone of the record inside. 'Days Are Gone' & 'Something To Tell You' are really cool to contrast.

'Days Are Gone' was the start of a huge career for the band. The album offered listeners a look into their sunny, romantic lives and the cover art too reflected HAIM's bright prospects. Seated in three fold-up chairs on a big green lawn (suburban kids) the heads of the HAIM sisters are turned to the left, eyes averted and covered in shades (future's so bright, I gotta wear shades)

They followed the Spice Girls’ template of being a charismatic group, whose individual styles all added to the bigger picture - their meshing of high street and storied, thrift store pieces gave them an indie rock relatability. They looked like regular joes with great personal style.

On the flip-side 'Something To Tell You' is the glam fulfillment of that promise. It's like a souped up version where the pastoral suburban LA setting of 'Days Are Gone' gives way to more traditional iconic rock images of LA interspersed with glam fashion editorial-like images and (my fav) the quirkier bold coloured zoot suit-y David Byrne-esque stuff.

'Something To Tell You' is a clear step forward, artistically and career-wise. You can hear adventurous enthusiasm in how they approach every song and from the lyrics you get that too that the uncertainty that was a motif in a lot of the songs from their last LP is gone and not only do they finally know what they want from life but are racing towards it. Record #3 is going to be an exciting listen.

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asymmetricboys · 6 years

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part b

so in stark contrast to my last personal post, let’s get real casual up in here, and real honest, because one of the other tabs I have open right now is a full shopping cart on a website where I am about to spend over $100 on different sized “vaginal dilators” because I had penetrative sex for the first time two days ago and it was blindingly painful

I've written SEVERAL thousand words about it instead of doing homework!!!

A Short (it’s not fucking short) Series Of Events That Starts With This:

-so, I break up with my gf. v upsetting. in case you read my last post, I don’t actually think her kindness is disgusting, or makes her weak. it simply makes me feel worse for hurting her, and it makes me want to be hurt in response, as penance. a childish thing to feel. but that’s sunday

wednesday is the day we have plans that involve me going to the Man’s house after school. so yeah.

MONDAY

I go to the class I share with this Man, and I read some of my Writing, because that is what I am Studying. I am lightly dissected by the class, including him to some degree (”I feel like you write good dialogue, and then you follow it up with unnecessary detail outside of it. we get what’s happening from the dialogue,” he tells me. it is one of the few times someone has said something even hinting at a dialogue compliment, even cloaked in an overall criticism). a classmate points out a massive plot hole I hadn’t noticed, and it feels like she’s shot a cannonball straight through my stomach

for some reason, I can’t take the criticism, despite agreeing with it. I'm miserable. I am fighting back tears all class--it keeps coming in terrible waves, pushing hot against the thin skin of my eyes. I think of my now ex-gf and wonder if that’s a factor, but no, I'm just upset about writing. why do I suck so badly? what is wrong with me?

after class, the Man has his coat on. it appears he’s not interested in having lunch with me in the cafeteria the way we’ve done once or twice in the past. I am slightly cold to him in the hallway where he has lingered, and I tell him I'm off to lunch and I'll see him in a couple hours at our next class downtown

I sob in the bathroom. my dreams of being a writer are over. my life is a mess. I don’t know who I am. I chose to sit in the disabled stall instead of waiting for another stall to open up, even though I knew I would be in there for a while. what kind of asshole does that?

I text him from the stall. “Sorry if I was weird just now, I’m just having a strange day. I don’t like being clearly the worst writer in the room”

he is surprised. he thought my piece was fine, and that no one thinks I'm the worst. do I want company, he wants to know. he hasn’t caught the bus yet.

thinking it’s funny, I tell him no, that my crying face is inherited from my mother, and too hideous to inflict on anyone. later, I realize that telling someone you’re currently crying is definitely a pathetic “please, please, come back” regardless of what I thought while writing it initially

ten minutes later, I'm still in the bathroom, growing calmer amidst the muffled sounds of other women washing their hands and putting on makeup. I get a new message from him:

“Not that I came back to find you or anything, but if I had, I theoretically can’t see any small people in gigantic pink jackets.”

I am painfully thrilled and relieved. I leave the bathroom, go to the cafe with my giant patchwork pink trench coat in hand, and order food. I don’t see him but I message him that I've only just reached the cafe. he messages back that he went back to the bus stop when he couldn’t find me. it’s okay--I am bolstered by him coming back once. I tell him it’s fine and that he should catch the bus. I order food.

while waiting for my food, I hear his voice behind me. he came back AGAIN

he sits with me while I eat lunch and we talk about writing. I try to explain my fears without sounding small and stupid and he tries to sooth them without sounding like an asshole (hard for him)

(I'm joking, he’s pretty damn nice. but he’s so easy to make fun of, what with his “I run 10k for fun” and “I have matching socks” and “I'm a high school librarian” and “I'm the white boy who is going to be the sole voice defending Raymond carver’s essay On Writing because it gave me A Feel” and god, I miss bantering with someone)

we take the subway together to our next class. I talk about my sister. he talks about a former student of his who had abusive parents. we both talk about relationships and both know we are dancing around the topic of the two of us. he says he doesn’t make a move until he’s sure someone likes him. I tell him he’s slow on the uptake. these things are not said one after another, or it would be too obvious.

his hand falls against my leg at one point. I ignore it

I tell him--in passing, not in a way that makes it sound like it’s about him--that I'm only into casual things right now. that I recently got out of a serious relationship and I don’t know what’s going on in my life.

“you want to make bad decisions?”

“not necessarily bad decisions. just decisions.”

“how recently is recently?”

“fairly recently.”

(I'm not gonna fucking tell him it was yesterday)

at one point, I look up him from under my eyelashes and visibly see him lose his thoughts halfway through his sentence. he grinds to a halt, staring at me. “what?” I say. “you were in the middle of something, what were you saying?”

on the walk from subway to class, I call him “slow on the uptake” again and he tells me he’s pretty sure he’s “uptook” everything. I tell him that’s not a word.

TUESDAY

I spend hours messaging my friend R, who is the only one who I have told about the Man. I ask for practical advice on what to buy, what to shave, how to prep. I am a woman on a mission.

I go to the shopper’s drug mart and lurk in front of the condoms. I have never bought condoms before and there are too many brands. I flee when a man approaches the aisle, and then creep back to take a picture and send to R, who tells me exactly which one to get.

I take a bath that night, my first since I was a very small child. it feels wonderful. I shave and trim. I wonder if he is going to this much effort. probably not, I decide

I am messaging him and two other friends on our group chat throughout. I think about sending him a photo of my knees in the bath. I don’t. it’s not time yet.

WEDNESDAY

in fear that our other two friends will want to hang out after class, he has made plans for all of us to meet up and do some writing before class. none of them show, and I am late because I was panicking over whether to pack a change of clothes or not. see, we have class again on Thursday, and I don’t know whether I can stay over at his house and go into school with him the next day. it’s possible I'll need to run screaming from the house after the sex attempt. who knows

but we still enter class together. the second time in a row. I worry people will notice.

class is (for once) so interesting I forget that today is Sex Day. after class, as we all filter out, he waits for me, visibly. one of our friends gives me a Look as they duck around the corner.

we take the streetcar down towards where he lives, but get off early because he suggests going down to the waterfront. he’s brought his pot chocolate with him, the excuse I've been using for the visit. I am disappointed--how will I enact my plan to force this idiot to kiss me by seductively leaning on his kitchen counter and saying, “you know I'm not here for your pot chocolate”?

there is a bridge to the waterfront, arcing over train tracks and then four lanes of traffic. the inside arms of the concrete walkway are painted in triangles of bright colour, and you can see the way the buildings on the other half of the city curve around the bay. it’s lovely. I walk slower.

we’re halfway over the bridge. he takes my body in his arms all at once and I am so surprised when he kisses me that a piece of my hair gets trapped between our mouths. I pull away almost immediately, move the hair, and go back in. it’s better once we have the first few seconds out of the way. he holds me fiercely. his hands are huge and wanting and dig into my pink coat. he asks if I'm cold, and I realize I'm trembling, up on my tiptoes to reach him and threaded through with delicious tension.

“I was wondering when you were going to do that,” I tell him.

we go down to the waterfront. I tell him a million things I didn’t mean to. like,

“I wasn’t supposed to actually like you,” and

“I had a plan.”

we make it back to his house. meet his housemate briefly before we go to his room. I look at his books and his artsy little desk setup so he can write while looking out a bay window with three different coloured curtains tied up over each section. he puts on a chvrches album on fucking VINYL, the pretentious LOSER

he kisses me. he puts his hands on the backs of my thighs and lifts me up. we kiss with him just holding me up in the middle of his room, my ankles crossed at his back, and I feel strangely astonished--I’d always kind of thought that was a sex move for movies, or like, proper adults. of course, he’s 33. he’s had lots of sex. I'm 26 and I know fucking nothing

he closes the curtains and we move to his bed.

“remember when I told you I didn’t have much experience with guys? what I really meant was that I have never been fucked. I was hoping you could help with that.”

(it’s a speech I'd been practicing for days. somehow, it managed to come out confident)

he’s surprised. he’s clearly very fucking surprised. flattered, concerned, surprised. I don’t remember what he said exactly, or what I said, but essentially, the gist is that yes, he’s going to help with that.

SEX

originally I wrote out like a really detailed thing! then realized that strangely, I was uncomfortable with putting it all out there in a post like that! so here is the gist:

he was very nice, I was into it, he used his mouth and hands first, we used lube, and

it hurt so fucking much I thought I was going to rip apart. if anyone has actually read this far (legit, WHY) and wants to hear about it in detail, just ask and I'll go into it, because I'd love some help figuring out what is up with my body, I just feel weird posting those details if they’re unasked for. the basics though is that the pain wasn’t deep inside me, it was localized right between my legs, where he was pushing in.

he did everything I told him to. later, he would tell me that he liked how i was so clear about what I wanted and when to pause and when not to. all I could think in the moment was that I was pathetically grateful he was someone who would listen (I know, low bar, etc., but I imagine this experience with a man with less patience and I run cold as fucking ice)

anyway I had us stop because I felt like I was going to pee? (in retrospect, probably missionary position was pressing on my bladder) and so I went to the bathroom and then...found blood.

I faced myself in the mirror, shame-faced and almost laughing, because god, I knew how ridiculous this was. on my period. I'd gotten my period early during sex? after all my planning?

but a tiny part of me was relieved. maybe some of the pain was due to the period. and now, even though we’d finally managed to get all of him in me and it was starting to ease a bit in pain, I had an excuse to stop.

I went back into his room and leaned my head on his bare chest where he was standing by his desk. “this is going to be a test for who you are as a man,” I said to him right before I told him I'd gotten my period. worse case scenario was that he’d be disgusted--after all, he went down on me--but like with every part of his behaviour that night, he turned out to be best case scenario. he wasn’t bothered. he listened when I said I didn’t want to keep having penetrative sex, but he also told me that he’d be fine to continue as well.

he very gently suggested that maybe it wasn’t period blood, but was in fact just bleeding from a painful first time. he rushed to add, “but then you’d know yourself, obviously,” and I didn’t give his theory a second thought.

I got him off with my hands. I slept over at his place, drifting in and out of terrible dreams. my body started to ache, deep inside. period cramps, I thought, relieved.

THURSDAY

in the morning, I (sort of successfully) sucked him off. I was afraid of having sex in the morning light, where he was visible and I was visible more than we were by lamplight the night before. he looked good but I was afraid to see him and be seen seeing him. he was all skin in front of me, unashamed, and I had to reciprocate that confidence somehow.

we talked and laughed and everything during. he told me he’d never had sex quite this awkward, but that it was cute. that I'm cute. I can feel his honesty in how he looks at me.

we talked and ate breakfast and got ready for class. I hadn’t brought a full other outfit, because I was worried it would be too presumptuous. so I kept on the shirt I had brought to wear to bed, and borrowed a button-up from him that I knew he had never worn to class. I left it unbuttoned, but tied the loose bottom of it into a knot at the waist, and it looked completely like I owned it. I still have that shirt hanging in my room right now, because I haven’t had a chance to give it back.

he drove and I read the readings I hadn’t gotten to. this meant I was largely silent in the car, ignoring him. but it felt comfortable anyway.

when we arrived, I told him he would have to enter from a different entrance than me, so no one would know. he agreed, looking amused at my “attempts at subterfuge.” he listed classmates he thought already knew.

before we left the parking lot, I looked around, grabbed his coat and pulled him to the side, so that I could kiss him quickly. my body hummed a happy hello, and I thought, okay, still? after the pain, still? good

we sat far apart in class and didn’t talk. he messaged me just as I left at the end of the day, asking if I needed a ride home. I said I did.

he drove me all the way back to my house on the other side of the city. I wasn’t going to invite him inside, but then I did. I put on some pasta to boil and warned him I was a bad cook.

he drew me to him and kissed me hard, the water boiling in the back of my mind. his hands clutched just as tight as they did the day before, like a confident chef handling dough. “I want you again,” he whispered. I felt...I wasn’t sure how I felt. I liked the kissing, the touching, but I was sure there would be no repeat penetration today, and told him as such.

we ate pasta and I almost fell asleep on him. he felt comfortable and good in my kitchen, all warm, broad body. I pushed myself away and made him leave. I would see him later at a school function.

I napped.

I woke up.

everything was different.

I could remember more parts of the sex--the swells of panic that came during, the distance I felt between my body and my mind, the shocking stab of it, the scraping, overwhelming feeling of it. I sunk fast into a deep depression, lying in bed, thinking about how I truly was “broken,” how I'd never enjoy sex and how I wasn’t just a sex positive person somewhere on the asexual spectrum, I was apparently unable to have the sensations at all. the sensations came out wrong for me. twisted.

I felt wickedly awful because I'd told him I wanted to try this again with him. I'd told him that I was down for that, I'd led him on. he had been so patient and giving with me. he’d told me tender, hurtful details, like that sometimes people he slept with didn’t show interest in touching his body, his stomach and chest, his ass--how he’d appreciated the way I made him feel wanted.

I took the subway to the school function, struggling not to cry in public as I read a book by a trans woman on the ways that fear and love of men has plagued her life. I wrote this down in my phone, not even sure what I meant: “I have been broken by the kindness of a man.”

I was nauseous, cramping everywhere. it felt like there was a sweet bile in the back of my throat, and it took me a while to realize it tasted like his come.

I arrived at the function. I sat down next to him.

every fear evaporated.

our classmates joined us and spoke to us. I was fine. my happiness and vitality returned. it was like a switch had been flipped. we all laughed for hours and I went to hang out at a friend’s house afterwards, the Man included in the group, and it was nothing but fun.

I don’t understand what is happening to me.

FRIDAY

it was today that I knew for certain I hadn’t gotten my period during. it had simply been sex blood. I was still feeling cramps and pain inside, but I knew it wasn’t connected to my period because there had been no blood for a day.

I told him the truth, not as afraid of it as yesterday. he apologized for causing me more pain than he’d known. he said he’d be down to hook up strictly for non-penetrative sex. he indicated he’d be down for anything I wanted or nothing.

I read the wikipedia page for “vaginismus,” which sounds like it could be something I have.

I've never gotten a physical in my entire life though, so I think before I plunge into further depressions, I should be an adult about this and go speak to a doctor.

and also spend a lot of money on vaginal dilators which are essentially used to slowly stretch the vagina to allow for penetration if its very painful for you.

I'm not giving up yet. I decided that I would try casual sex and see what happened. what happened was simultaneously the best sexual experience I've had (read: sober barring a tiny thing of pot chocolate I didn’t feel the effects of, being eaten out with enthusiasm for half an hour, holding the prettiest dick I've ever seen) and the most challenging and painful (read: penetration felt like being torn apart and then I thought I was going to pee and then I thought I had my period!!!)

I am going to be an adult about this and look into every avenue. I will go to the doctor. I will try to practice widening this damn vagina myself. I will figure out if I can continue on this casual sex avenue with this dude or not.

it will be okay

CONCLUSION

I wrote this all out because someday I will Write about this. it will end up in a (probably) depressing short story or a (probably) depressing novel. if you read all of this, I don’t know why, but thanks?

#ace babbles #ace talks ace #weird to use that tag when I'm talking explicitly about sex but #it's relevant #ugh yeah jazz hands that's what's been up with me this week #during my depressing moments after my nap on Thursday I started writing the WORLD'S most upsetting story about it in my head #it was SO dramatic #I feel so much less dramatic now? but maybe that's me being foolish #or wise #who knows #the important thing is to renew my health card so I can go to the doctor and be like hiplease shove a metal thing in my vag #and tell me what's up down there

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iamshadow21 · 7 years

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Rec Post, July-January

#fan fiction #rec list #leverage #avengers #marvel #captain america

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ahumanexperiencemoment · 6 years

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“Sometimes the Road Calls (or It’s A Midlife Crisis)” Part 2 Of 3.

So, back to my newest bike… When I was looking a few months ago, I found a motorcycle that I just fell in love with at first sight. It was a Janus Halcyon 250. They are handmade in a small shop in Northern Indiana and they look like a throwback to the 1930s style of motorcycle. It’s a compact bike with a 250-cc engine but I didn’t care. I just wanted a new experience.

I already have a Harley Davidson but the Road King that I have is just too big for some things. Don’t get me wrong, the Road King is nice. It rides well, has a lot of power and is great for touring, or highway use, but it’s just too big to enjoy zipping around town on (at least for me). And to be honest, it has been a few years since I have ridden on it. The last time I took it out, I was living in Arizona and roads out there have a way of petering out into primitive dirt roads, even some that are supposed to be “highways.” It’s a heavy bike and my wife was on the back and we were just enjoying the ride. We decided to take the Florence-Kelvin Highway because it looked like it would shave a few hours off of the trip we were on. However, about 18 miles into, this “highway” became a primitive dirt road that was washboard in some areas going through the mountains. By the time we made it to the dirt road, we were too far along to turn around. I’ll be honest, I haven’t had white- knuckle riding like that in a long time, if ever. The bike bounced around a lot and with my wife on the back, I was just praying I didn’t get her or myself hurt. And when we got back home, I was just reluctant to go back out again, as that experience kind of soured it for me.

A funny side note about that Harley…. I remember when I was looking to buy it. It was in 2005 and I was overseas doing security work and living in the middle of Kabul, Afghanistan. Yes, some places in that country were downright stone age with mud huts and dirt floors but where I was staying in Kabul had electricity and even internet. The military and government had a program where you could buy brand new vehicles with little markup, so a person could get a really good deal. The only downside was that you bought it unseen, and undriven, and it would be delivered to a dealership near your hometown. I was sitting in the communal computer area which sat just off the living room of our compound house, and there were four computers we could use sitting side by side. I was looking at the different motorcycles and I will never forget what happened next. A buddy came walking in and saw what I was looking at and exclaimed,” You are getting a motorcycle?! Those things are dangerous!” I just stared at him dumbfoundedly. The things we get used to. Here we were doing security work, aka armed taxi/protection service in a war zone, where we had to avoid roadside bombs and the occasional rocket attack and this guy remarked how dangerous a motorcycle was. The irony of the moment was not lost on me.

Fast forward to now… I felt like I needed adventure and so I decided, what the heck, I am getting this bike. I went online to the Janus Motorcycle website, picked what I wanted on my Janus Halcyon and plopped down the initial deposit to get the ball rolling. They said it would take about twelve weeks to complete so I patiently waited for the bike to arrive. It was during this time, I also decided foolheartedly that I was going to drive it back from Northern Indiana to New Orleans, where I now live, after picking it up. That would have been quite a challenge for such a small bike. The motorcycle wasn’t made for interstate 65+ miles per hour driving. It was made for back roads, country highways, county roads, so the trip would take much longer… several hours longer.

Here again, there but for the grace of God goes I and sometimes, things happen fortuitously. Every year on Memorial Day weekend, my mother’s family has a reunion that takes place in Southern Illinois, which just happened to coincide with the time that the motorcycle’s assembly would be complete, and it would be ready for pickup. The more I thought about riding it all the way back to New Orleans, the more I was rethinking that idea. Between Southern Illinois and New Orleans, I would have been going through many areas that were remote and where I didn’t know anyone close by; on an untested bike, I thought maybe it would be unwise. Thankfully, my mother who lives in Florida, wanted to go to the reunion, so my wife decided to pick her up in our truck in Pensacola, then we would have the means to transport the bike back to New Orleans.

I flew out on a Thursday morning and met a friend, who I served with in Afghanistan, in Chicago. To fly into Northern Indiana would have cost quite a bit more than if I just flew into Chicago. Thankfully, my buddy responded after seeing a post on Facebook asking if anyone could give me ride. Of course, another mutual friend who we served with together in Afghanistan made sure to tag him, so he would see it. I am fortunate to have the best of friends, even ones I haven’t seen in years. We all may not be close, or talk all the time, and years could pass, but we can still pick up like nothing has happened. Originally, the idea was to get dinner, hang out, maybe spend the night; I wasn’t quite sure but come the day of the trip, my buddy had to work that evening and wouldn’t be able to hang out long. He met me at the airport with his beautiful daughter, who was maybe three or four, and even though he was going to be late to work, he decided to drive me the 2 to 3 hours anyway because he said he would. It’s so important to surround yourself with good people. We spent the whole trip talking, reminiscing about old times and old friends, life, and future plans. It was a really good time and one I look forward to doing again.

By the time we got to the Janus Motorcycle shop, it was around 3 p.m. and my buddy had to get back, so we said our goodbyes. Then the good people of Janus Motorcycles showed me around the shop, where the bikes are made. I was also introduced to all the talented people who had a hand in building my motorcycle from the ground up, from putting it together to the artistic painting to the test drives; I met each one responsible for putting together my bike. They showed me my bike and it was beautiful, a solid British racing green color with gold lettering and brown leather seats. The clouds parted, and the sun’s rays shined down like a finger onto my bike while I heard the angels’ chorus reverberating through the sky… just kidding…but it wasn’t too far off the mark. They gave me a quick class on the bike such as “this is where the choke is,” “this is where the fuel switch is to switch to reserve,” etc. Originally, the plan was to get the bike, spend the night in town or with my friend and start off early in the morning on Friday. However, since it was late May and only 4:00 in the afternoon, there were several hours of daylight left. I was also feeling pretty excited and energized, so I decided that I would go ahead and start the trip and see how far I could get that night before finding some hole-in-the-wall along the way, to recharge for the remainder of my excursion. I loaded up the bike with my gear, which was quite a pain. I had brought saddlebags with me but they could only hold a small amount. I filled them to the brim with my extra jackets, water, and camera bag. I had my helmet, my leather jacket (the same one that kept me safe twenty years prior) and I had an old military style duffle bag that held my laptop, extra clothes, travel items, rain gear, tools. I tried to cinch the duffle bag down with tie downs, but it was just an awkward load. It was very precarious looking indeed. Even the Janus owners stepped up and offered me an extra come-along- styled tie down, for which I was very grateful. I finally was semi-successful in securing my gear, but due to bumps and vibrations, there were several times during the trip where I would have to stop, readjust and move on. In fact, somewhere later that day along the way, the tie down that the Janus folks gave me flew off. I wish I had known when it had come off, because I would have returned to get it. I hated it that I lost something that was given to me, but such is life sometimes.

I left the shop in Goshen, Indiana, heading south on 5th street and hit Main Street for a couple of blocks before turning right onto Route 119. It was a beautiful day and the sun was warm without it being unbearable. The Janus folks told me of some good places to eat nearby and I had thought about it, but it being such a nice day and as excited as I was, I decided to just keep going. I passed a golf course as I was leaving Goshen and just took in the beauty of my surroundings. I have never been to northern Indiana before and let me tell you something, it is truly a charming area. It’s picturesque with farmland as far as the eye can see and definitely Amish farm country, as I had to pass several horse-drawn buggies while driving past huge grain silos and big red barns off in the distance while I rode along the country roads. There were so many places I wanted to stop and take a photo but sadly, I felt like I had to get as many miles as I could in since I was traveling slow and stopping to take pictures every couple miles would have made the trip even longer.

The first place I stopped to gas up was the little town of Bourbon, Indiana on Route 331. It was quaint, small town, middle-America. I filled up the tank and decided to take a break. It was still less than an hour since I had started the trip, but the bike is a hardtail, meaning there are no shocks to absorb bumps in the road, and also meaning you really experience the road, both good and bad. I pulled the motorcycle over to a parking area in front of the store where I called my wife to let her know my plans, that I was going to try and see how far I could get that day before stopping. On trips and in life, it’s always a good idea to let people know what you are up to. If, God forbid, something ever happened, it would give people a good starting point to come look for you. Three teenage girls, too young to drive but old enough to venture out by themselves, came walking up to the store as I was gassing up. They were all wearing skirts that went past their knees and reminded me of a Christian upbringing where skirts were highly encouraged to wear. In fact, they almost reminded me of some of my extended family. Just wholesome (hopefully) kids and high on life. They laughed and joked on stories and thoughts I had no knowledge of. Just an innocent time of life going up to the store to buy soda pop and walk back home.

(Bourbon, Indiana)

As I was sitting there, an older guy, maybe mid 50s, came walking up. He looked a little rough around the edges, but he stopped as he passed by, talked and admired the bike. I told him a little about it and he liked what he heard; I told him that the motorcycles were made less than an hour away which surprised him. He had no idea such a nice motorcycle was made so close by. He didn’t stop to talk for very long before he went inside the store. That’s one thing I can say about the bike - it’s a conversational piece, which in all honesty, is part of the reason I bought it. I went into the store to use the restroom and as I was walking back to my bike to saddle up and leave, the three young girls were giggling about something and one of them said, “Well the owner is right there,” to which they all turned around and looked. The girl that initially said something looked embarrassed and said something quickly to effect of, “No I mean, I like your bike.” The other two just kind of laughed at her. I didn’t hear what she originally said; I just smiled and kind of nodded in acknowledgement and they quickly walked on. It was a moment in time that no one will remember but sheds light on life in a small town, middle-of-nowhere America. I hopped back on my bike and continued on.

I rode past little towns with names like, Old Tip Town, Tippecanoe and Talma. I couldn’t help but wonder about the origin behind some of the names I saw. The countryside, although beautiful, became a slow-motion blur. Even though I wasn’t driving fast, averaging anywhere from 45 to 55 miles an hour, the landscape started to run together. A small town, country, houses, farms, a small town and all over again. At this point of the trip, it had been a long day already.

All throughout the trip, I was listening to music via Pandora on my phone. For most of the first day, I was listening to the channel based on John Denver. During one of the many times I had to stop to adjust my duffle bag, I changed the music to the Boston channel to play music that was a little more upbeat. As soon I started again, Led Zeppelin’s “Immigrant Song” came on and I got an instant second wind and I started to nod my head to the rhythm of the music and the drum beat, “Da-da-da-na, da-da-da-na, "Ah-aaa-aaaaaaaa-ah!". I will remember that moment for the rest of my days. Although I am sure that I was quite a sight… almost head-banging with my helmet on while riding a small bike overloaded with a duffle bag that looked suspiciously like it would topple over any moment. Thankfully, there wasn’t a ton of traffic out there with me.

Pretty soon, I came to Logansport, Indiana and veered right towards Lafayette. Once I got to Lafayette, I took a small county road and rode past subdivisions and up and down winding roads. It wasn’t long before my fuel and my bike was letting me know that it was time to fill up. It doesn’t have a fuel light; it just shuts off, which made it interesting because you couldn’t start the bike unless it was in neutral. I had to pull off the road a couple of times because at first, I didn’t realize that I was almost out of gas. I switched to the reserve gas tank and started looking for a gas station. By this time, I was outside Lafayette and there was a small town on my map up ahead a few miles. I decided to stop there.

The sun wasn’t quite set, but it was getting to the tree line. I have to admit - I was getting a little sore. I was also getting pretty tired, as I didn’t sleep well the night before the trip because I knew I had to get up early. I pulled into the gas station and my mind was kind of numb where I faced a challenge that I haven’t seen in some time. It was a gas pump without a credit card reader. I just starred at it dumbfounded, thinking “What do I do?” I walked into the station and asked the young lady behind the counter what I needed to to – “Do I need to prepay inside or go fill up and come back inside?” She said, “Well, you can pay for it afterwards.” This is what I did my whole life growing up, but it’s funny how reliant upon technology we have become. I haven’t seen a gas pump without a card reader since… Well, I can’t even remember when. So, after I had a good laugh at myself, I filled up the tank and went back inside to pay and use the restroom.

(Arni’s and the gas station in Pine Village, Indiana)

There was a small restaurant called Arni’s that was in the same building as the gas station. Before I went inside, I called my wife to let her know where I was and then I went inside to eat. I was pretty spent and walked up to the counter. The inside was a lot homier than the outside looked with a natural wood tongue and groove paneling and various pictures and items hung up around the room. The kid behind the counter was wearing glasses and friendly. I asked him what he suggested, and he asked how hungry I was. He ended up recommending the chicken quesadilla and we talked for a little while longer. He asked me about the trip so far. I had my duffle bag with leather jacket and helmet with me so it was plain to anyone who looked at me that I was traveling. I told him a little bit about it and then I went to find a seat. Not long after, he showed up and put the food in front of me. He then asked me if I knew what town I was in and proceeded to tell me the name, which was Pine Village. It was a small town, the kind of place that makes you wonder how people got there and why they stayed. It didn’t look like there was much was around the area. It was a pretty little town, but so far off the beaten path, it makes you wonder about the stories of all the people that live there.

I noticed a young, cute couple sitting at a table next to me. They looked to be high school sweethearts or maybe college-aged. I have no idea what they were talking about but they seemed to enjoy each other’s company. The joys of youth and excitement at that age. It wasn’t long before they finished and when they went outside, they got into a huge pickup truck and it was off to the next adventure.

There were also two older couples eating together on the other side of the restaurant. I didn’t pay them much mind, but it struck me how that young couple that just left will one day (if they stay together) will be one of those old couples over there, especially if they never leave town.

As I sat eating my food, which was outstanding by the way, and I would highly recommend it, I looked outside and watched an old timer walk up the street, stop to look at the bike and then walk into the store. By the reaction of everyone in there, I believe they knew him. In small towns like that, I am sure everyone knows one another. The old timer came over and saw my jacket, which has a Marine Corps patch, as well as several sewn-on flag patches from various countries I have served in. He told me he was a captain in Korea and started talking about not seeing that brand of bike since he was overseas decades ago. I hadn’t the heart to tell him that he was wrong and that it was brand new bike sitting out there. I just smiled and engaged him in conversation. He told me that he also served in Vietnam and just kind of rambled on. I am not writing that in a derogatory sense but more like he felt a need to make a connection. He told me he was 78 years old. While we talked, he said some questionable things, either because I didn’t quite hear what he was saying quite right or what he said didn’t make perfect sense, but I ignored it and just kind of went with it. 1) because I was tired and 2) at that age, I think he was just happy to have someone listen to him. After a while, he thanked me for my service and I thanked him for his and continued on his way outside and back on down the street from where he came.

(A view of Pine Village, Indiana)

I finished my food and sucked down the last of the soft drink before getting up and taking my dishes back up to the counter. I expressed my thanks for the recommendation and I headed back out. By this time, the sun was setting and it was taking on that greyish look that you see when it’s not bright, but it’s not dark either, “twilight” if you will. I stayed on the road that ran through that village until it hit Highway 41. It was a four lane highway but there wasn’t much traffic on it on Thursday night, and since I was going slower than pretty much everyone else, those I did see passed me on by.

It wasn’t long before the temperature dropped and I had to zip up my jacket to stay warm. It also wasn’t long before the bugs were out and I had forgotten what it was like to ride a motorcycle without a full-face helmet and/or a windshield. Those bugs hurt. They get attracted by the headlight and then kamikaze right into your cheek or ear… or wherever. It was pretty bad. I had to pull over and put on my wet-weather over-jacket because it had more of a neck to it. Then I had to snuggle my face and scrunch my neck a little to bring the neck material up to my glasses, so I could protect my face as best I could. I rode on and it was a little better.

Now, another issue started to take effect that was slowly getting worse throughout the day. Since it had been a couple years since I had ridden any type of motorcycle and with it being a new bike, the clutch was stiff and my hand started to cramp up after a while. It started a couple hours into the ride and it was steadily getting worse to the point that I could hardly change gears without great discomfort. Thankfully, being on that back-road highway with little traffic, I didn’t have to shift as much and was probably the only reason I made it so far that first night.

It was getting later into the evening, close to eleven o’clock, when I hit Terre Haute, Indiana, which turned out to be a sizable town. I was really tired at this point but I was also on the verge of saying “Screw it,” and riding it all the way to my destination in southern Illinois, but that would have been a few more hours. Finally, I thought to myself, well, if I find a roach motel with ground floor doors because I didn’t want to leave my bike outside, I would stop. Maybe it was God’s way of telling me to stop because immediately after having that thought, I saw a roach motel in the guise of a Travel Lodge. I pulled up and hobbled off my bike. The staff was friendly and gave me a ground floor room where I promptly manhandled my bike through the front door. After getting the motorcycle in, I realized that I really needed to turn it around so I could get it back out of the door. The room was set up rather weirdly with the bed being in the middle of the room. The bed couldn’t be moved, so I had to roll my bike to the other side of the room and try to turn it around. I almost felt like I was playing life-sized Tetris, all while trying to stay quiet and not bump the walls because I didn’t want to raise a commotion. Finally…. finally, I got it turned around and saw that I had dead bugs all over the front of the bike. I also noticed my jacket was covered. I went into the bathroom and wet a wash cloth and started to clean the bike as well as the jacket. It was a little disgusting, but I am glad that I cleaned it right away before it had time to settle and become really crusty... gross. At this point, I was beat. I called my wife and then went to bed.

(Playing Tetris in the motel room)

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supportmeetpositives · 6 years

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How Can I Stop Lying? EP 19

You Can Turn Away from Compulsive Lying

In This Episode:

Since mankind began, lying has been a tragic part of our lives. So awful is it, so terrible is its consequences, God forbids it in the 10 commandments. He said, do not lie (Leviticus 19:11). And in Proverbs 12:22, God spoke again and said, “Lying lips are abomination to the LORD.” Yet, all of us have told lies and at some time or another lived a lie.

The more we speak truth, the happier we will be. Yet, sadly some people are compulsive liars. A compulsive liar is someone who lies out of habit. Lying is their normal and reflexive way of responding to questions. Compulsive liars bend the truth about everything, large and small.

For a compulsive liar, telling the truth is very awkward and uncomfortable while lying feels right. Nonetheless a compulsive liar suffers greatly.

Take Hunter for example, he said, “I can’t stop lying…even about stupid things. It breaks my mom’s heart that I keep lying to her. I hate that I’m doing this to her and I hate that I do it. I feel like I am going to earn a reputation as a liar and that’s the last thing I want. I hate myself.” Hunter needs a miracle in his life. His lying is destroying him, just as lying is interfering in 3 other people’s lives whom I spoke with. I talked with Lee, Jason, and Ellie, who in one way or another are caught up in the world of lying

The more we speak truth, the happier we will be. Yet, sadly some people are compulsive liars. #lying Click To Tweet

Trying to Come Out of the Liar’s Closet

Lee has a compulsive lying problem and has been dealing with it for 10 years. She tried to get some help from a counselor but once she admitted her problem, she felt judged and second-guessed.

Lee is uncomfortable and angry. She’s trying to come out of the liar’s closet. She’s letting the world know about her dirty little secret, that she is a compulsive liar.

Lying has become part of Lee’s lifestyle for at least 10 years now. The habit isn’t going to go away just because she wants it to. It takes at least 66 days to change a habit. That’s a long time when you’re an addicted liar. She’s now coming to grips with what it will cost her to get free. It won’t be easy. Lying has become a part of her life. She uses it whenever she wants or needs to. Most of the time she lies just to lie, when telling the truth would be much easier.

Living in Your Own Personal Hell

One of the major consequences Lee must face is knowing no one believes her anymore. Her friends and family can’t trust her and they deeply resent her. No one likes to be played or lied to but the compulsive liar is playing people most of the time.

Lee has dug a big hole. She lives in her own personal hell. Lying has provided a place, where she can be in charge of her own reality. But when caught, unveils her rage about her situation. Lee is like a trapped animal, she’s angry and will blame anybody anywhere, except herself. She refuses to take responsibility for her deep, troubling issues.

My prayers are with Lee, I feel sorry she’s in such a predicament. But with God’s help, she can break out of 10 years of compulsive lying. She has her work cut out for her, it will be painful, but there is still light at the end of the tunnel. Let’s all pray, she will succeed.

With God’s help, you can break out of compulsive lying and become free of it’s hold on you. #lying Click To Tweet

Wherever You Go, You Take Your Issues with You

Jason moved to try to get away from his troubles but his lying issue followed him. He has been trying to make a U-turn but no one believes anything he says.

I like Jason but he easily cons himself. He moved away from his hometown, thinking that would help him but he doesn’t get it. The truth is wherever Jason goes, he takes his issues with him. Changing locations won’t cure lying.

Jason is caught up in the old lying trap. He’s living a wild lifestyle but wants to cover it up. He has to tell lies to do that. But then he has to tell lies to cover the lies. He’s exhausted, partying away and continually lying to cover it up. He’s living a lie and his lies are killing him.

Time to Come Clean and Face Up to the Lies

Now, it’s time for him to come clean with his brother and sister-in-law. He thought he’d fooled them but they could smell the alcohol. It’s not easy to confess to the people you’ve lied to because you’ve tried to paint them as fools. So, it takes tremendous amount of humility and courage to face up to what you’ve been doing. Liars are smooth talkers but to confess to others means to set aside their smooth-talking tools to speak the truth and that’s not easy.

Jason doesn’t understand just how deep his love of lying goes. He, like most of us, doesn’t understand how evil his heart really is. The Bible says, “The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?” Jeremiah 17:9

It’s a common mistake we humans make to think our hearts are a great deal better than they really are. The truth of the matter is, we are a mess. To tell the truth to ourselves, about ourselves is one of the most important things we can do. To lie to ourselves and to others is to act like Satan. Jesus was talking to religious leaders of the day who thought they were righteous because of the good works they did. Jesus set them straight. He told them:

“You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.” John 8:44

Good news for Jason, He is starting to tell the truth about himself and that means he’s on his way to freedom.

Liars are smooth talkers but to confess to others means to set aside their smooth-talking tools. Click To Tweet

Are You Buying into Someone’s Lies?

Elli’s boyfriend lies to her all the time about anything and everything. She can’t trust him at all and it’s destroying their relationship. She can’t bring herself to break up with him even though she knows it can never work because he always lies to her.

Relationships Need Trust and Respect

Elli was willing for a long time to buy into her boyfriend’s lies. Why, because he has an awesome personality, is persuasive, and the lies he tells are powerful. She may think they have a great relationship but without trust and respect there isn’t one. A relationship controlled by lies is nothing more than a front. Perhaps if Elli leaves him, it will be a wake-up call and he’ll be forced to examine his own pathetic issues. There is hope for him if he turns away from a life of lying to a life of following Christ.

Did Today’s Episode Get You Thinking?

All of us in some way in another are liars, none of us are perfect. My hope is whether we have told small or big lies, we will hate it for what it is and what it’s done in ours and other people’s lives. And so, we too will turn away from lying and trust in Christ to help us walk in the truth. Remember, the more you speak truth, the happier you will be!

My hope is you will turn away from lying and trust in Christ to help you walk in the truth. ~Dawson Click To Tweet

Resources for Lying:

Check out my eBook: Understanding Lying.

Check out my blogs: Why do People Lie, Exactly?, How Lying Hurts You, How to Stop Lying, The Value of Living an Honest Life, Top Two Reasons You Should Stop Lying Plus How Liars Get Caught, Different Types of Lies and Liars, and 8 Types of Lies that People Tell

Need to talk about your issues? Sign up for an Email Mentor, an online coach who will email you and come along beside you to offer support.

Need prayer? I believe God wants to change your life and mine, through prayer. If you need prayer and would like to have someone pray for you, go to the ThePrayerZone.com and check it out.

Would you consider doing something for me?

If you like this episode and think someone else might too, please share it on Facebook and Twitter.

One last thing,

My podcast, our website, everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now at our Give Now page.

Join me for my next episode on anxiety. Having some anxiety is normal but for some people, it becomes so frequent, and forceful, that it takes over their lives and affects their ability to function. In this episode, I talk with Iva – who doesn’t really know why he has anxiety, Allison – who is way overloaded with emotional trauma, and Matthew – who has suffered from anxiety attacks and even thought at one time he might die but has found strength in God.

Remember, whatever you do, Never Lose Hope! Dawson

The post How Can I Stop Lying? EP 19 appeared first on TheHopeLine.

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licencedtoretire · 6 years

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One of the really good things about not having any plans or set time frame is that if you want to head back to somewhere you missed along the way then nothing is standing in your way except a bit more driving. With this in mind we decided to back track to head for the historic St Bathans so we could have a look at what a few people we have met on the road told us we should have stopped to look at. Since it’s close to the rail trail we bypassed it whilst riding the trail.

The drive back from Cromwell to St Bathans follows the river towards the Clyde dam that would have been quite scenic if it had not been for the rain getting heavy as we hit the road meaning full concentration on the road and no time to glance at the scenes flashing past on both sides. As we neared St Bathans the rain started to lift with the sky’s sort of clearing as we parked at the DOC Recreation Reserve (#8716) from there it’s just over 1 km to the village.

The camp is a huge area with space for lots of campervans serviced by a single toilet and water from a single tap that states it must be boiled so fill up before you arrive here. It is however not about the facilities it’s about the place and this is one of the prettiest camp sites we have been to.

After we have had such luck with the weather whilst we have been away today the weather gods had decided that it was to be a day inside the van with the sky’s opening up just as we opened up the door for a stroll into the village. With the rain the wind started to get a bit stronger so we decided that we would spend the afternoon catching up on a few chores around the van and visit the village the following day. After all what’s the rush to get anywhere.

That evening as the moon rose over the hills at the back of the camp I couldn’t help but get outside and take this photo through the goal posts of the rugby ground located in the reserve. I am not sure how long ago they last played rugby here as you can see the grass is a little long, also you cannot see them in the photo but there are also a number of rabbit holes throughout the ground.

That night was probably the windiest night we have spent in the motorhome with the wind gusting to gale force at times. It made me really glad that we hadn’t parked near the large pine trees (see photo above). When we did drop off to sleep we where woken at around midnight with sounds like someone thumping on the side of the van, that’s how strong the wind was. I wish I could have taken a photo of the wind to show it’s force.

The following morning the weather played it’s part with the wind dying down the rain holding off meaning it was time to get out to explore the area. Across the fence from the reserve is the start of the pathway leading to the gold mining area. It reminds me of the craters of the moon in Rotorua with white clay mud everywhere. The sign at the start of the main track states that the track is damaged to be honest that’s rather an understatement as it’s non existent in places where it has washed away or been washed over by a mud slip.

In the 1860’s this area used to be a 120 metre tall hill but when gold was discovered in the area the hill was mined to such an extent that it created the Blue Lake that now fills the giant hole left in the ground. It’s called the blue lake apparently due to the high concentration of minerals in the water but on the day we visited it may as well have been called the brown lake given the high amount of mud that appeared in the water.

For those that have been to Western Australia we discovered New Zealand’s answer to Wave Rock with this formation left after the water cannons had stripped the silt away leaving this rock in it’s place.

The whole area is littered with abandoned pieces of mining machinery mostly old piping that was used to get water to the required area or by forcing water down one pipe it forced silt up the other pipe which then went through the sieve to extract the gold. The whole area proved very profitable whilst it lasted.

Of course it’s only when you get to the other end of the track that you find this sign. Although we thought this was a bit extreme yes the tracks bad in a few places but it’s still a great walk and really interesting well worth the time spent.

At the village end of the track is a walk up to the lookout that gives a great view of the lake and the diggings. Looking from this spot it’s hard to imagine a 120 metre hill standing here instead.

Like the whole of central Otago the area is infested with rabbit’s but Sarah and I where amused to see this burrow where the rabbit’s had obviously chosen the penthouse suite.

Walking up from the diggings we decided that we would start at the top of the village working our way back to the Motorhome exploring all the historic buildings along the way.

The church is open to all visitors but is no longer a place of worship rather it’s administered by the Historic Places Trust with a small collection plate for donations. Despite the Trust looking after the building it was sad to see rat droppings inside the church we had the feeling that without some care and attention it wouldn’t stay in the condition it is for much longer.

Walking down the street is like walking through a hall of a museum except that this was real life these where real buildings that people lived and worked inside. The sense of history in the town is very real it’s also nice that at this time we were almost the only people in town. So it’s not like being in some of the other major tourist towns where everyone is getting in the way of your photos.

Oh I spoke too soon as we wandered into the village we were passed by 15 4wds a group tour that was 6 days into a 7 day drive that had started in Blenheim. Turns out that this group had also booked out the Hotel for lunch so our plans for lunch got scuppered.

To the right of the hotel is the old community hall complete with it’s own stage. Inside are a number of photographic displays that talk about the history of the area and the people who lived here. Unfortunately the light inside this area was terrible making it impossible to take any decent photos.

With the Hotel booked out for a private function for lunch I didn’t get inside to take a photos but with the quick look I had inside it was like almost nothing had changed since it was built in the 1860’s.

They have done a terrific job in this village with sign boards everywhere to either explain what it standing in front of you or what used to be here. Reading these you really get a feel for what was here during the great gold rush and how hard the conditions where for some of those who lived here. It’s well worth taking the time to read these.

No matter where you look historic buildings dominate the place with some very nice gardens to set off the houses as you stroll along the street. The website centralotago.com states that the permanent population is now less than 10 a figure I think might be a little low given the number of houses in the area but whatever the true figure is it’s definitely a quiet place.

At the other end of town with a short stroll up the hill we reached the Catholic Church this building appears to still be in use with a lot of recent work around the building repointing the stones as well as a fairly recent addition to the graveyard. It was interesting to see the unmarked graves with the crosses above obviously records have been lost but they still bear testimony to those below.

Next to the church are the ruins of the old school as you can see from the photos the place is a little beyond a quick repair. In all of the places we have visited in New Zealand we haven’t come across as many ruined buildings as we have found here in Central Otago or maybe because they have been constructed out of stone that they have lasted longer than say a collapsed wooden farm shed. Whatever the reason it’s always sad to see a building reach this state.

After we had got back to the Motorhome thinking that we had missed out on lunch at the Hotel I suggested to Sarah that we try for dinner, knowing that when we where at Omakau the publican had made a fuss about us not booking I rode back to the Hotel to make a booking only to told that you need to order the day prior but you can order from the snack menu. As I wouldn’t remember what was on offer I took the above photo of the menu.

I got back to the Motorhome to show Sarah what was on offer only to discover my wonderful photographic skills. We decided that we would just cook ourselves that evening.

The scenery in this area is just amazing I could easily fill this blog with photos of the area around the camp with the hills surrounding the area and the trees really changing colour this is a place well worth a visit just for the views not to mention the history of the area.

The drive back to the main road then on to Alex our destination for the night took us past the farm buildings above as well as the historic White Horse Hotel in Becks. Interestingly there are two of these hotels in Becks the historic one pictured as well as a more modern pub across the road that also serves as a Park Over Property (#8719). The old hotel appears to be undergoing restoration with repairs to the outside evident. I hope it gets completed it would be a shame to loose a building like this.

St Bathans is about 17kms up the road from State Highway 85 if you take the turn off closest to Becks then it’s sealed road the whole way whereas if you arrive from the Hills Creek end of the road it’s gravel road the whole way. I strongly suggest that if you are in the area you make the time to visit this place.

Historic St. Bathans One of the really good things about not having any plans or set time frame is that if you want to head back to somewhere you missed along the way then nothing is standing in your way except a bit more driving.

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lettersforyoulettersforme · 7 years

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Post 1

July 15, 2017

Here it is! The first of a series of daily posts that I’ll be doing for 30 whole days. Inspired by my lovely friend Matt Ross’ blog on his website. Just as a way to check in with myself and hold myself accountable. I journal a fair amount, usually every day or at least 3-4 times a week. But this will be different. I’m going to be writing about various themes or ideas… I’m giving myself prompts and seeing where it goes. A big part of this is going to be letting go of expectations that I may have. I don’t need to create anything worthwhile or gorgeous or earth shattering. I want to write and let myself think out loud.

So with that in mind, I’m going to be talking a little bit about “sangha,” the Buddhist term for community. I’m stealing this idea from Matt’s blog but I figured it was a great place to start. Because community is something that I have always tried hard to create for myself. And I’m someone who has always existed in various communities, having multiple friend groups or jobs or volunteer activities, etc. This August, it will be two years since I have moved to Washington, DC. It feels like much more than 2 years. I’ve had a series of romantic relationships here, held a job for the longest period of time, started graduate school, become financially independent from my parents, gotten significantly closer with my sister who lives here, fell in love, moved into 2 different apartments, and met a shit ton of new people. Most of those people are from work but some are from volunteering experiences or from my grad school classes. One of them is my boyfriend and then some of them are my boyfriend’s co-workers who I adore. These various people shape my community and help me feel at home.

Speaking of home, Hayley is coming to visit for the weekend!! I’m so happy that she’ll be here in like 2 hours and we’ll have days and days to just hang the fuck out and chill and catch up. I remember when I first moved here, I was living in a studio apartment that I found on Craigslist. It was completely furnished and it just didn’t quite feel like it was mine. I stepped off the plane from Greece and I was in NYC for 2 days before I took the train to DC. And then that was that, I was here and it was a whirlwind. I had two job interviews and I learned how to take the bus to and fro and that was that. I wasn’t exactly settled, but it was my home. I loved having the space to myself but living in a 400 square foot box filled with some stranger’s stuff isn’t the warmest welcome. Hayley and I would FaceTime for literally hours at a time. I was so lonely, I listened to podcasts constantly just to hear someone talking. I watched a lot of TV. I wasn’t depressed exactly, but I couldn’t run away to Greece any more and ignore my issues. I had just graduated from college and I was scared. I had a Bachelor of Music that I knew I wasn’t going to use and I felt stuck. A fresh start was the only thing that I had so I really tried to make the most of it. I met Isabella at my orientation for my waitressing job and she was truly my first friend here! I had my sister but I do love Isabella for introducing me to the vegan food DC has to offer and for making me feel like I had someone to call besides my little sister. Isabella is, in fact, my sister’s age. She was a sophomore in college when we met, so she had this youthful perspective that I loved. In hindsight, I think our friendship was so precious because she made me feel like I was still in college. But then it became glaringly obvious that I was NOT in college any longer and things began to clash and fray. But more on that later. Honestly, I’m so lucky to have met someone who I genuinely liked right off the bat. Every time I go to certain places here- Tryst, that Indian food place in Adams Morgan, Sticky Fingers- I think of Isabella and the gentle way in which she led me through DC. All of the long walks we took, the picnics in Rock Creek Park. She showed me how beautiful this city really and truly is when I just wanted to go any place other than NY.

And then there was Donald’s brother. Who was the only other person I knew when I moved here. If I am honest with myself right now, I really liked him. I didn’t move here for him, but I did really like him. And I wanted to date him. The sex was great and I thought that if we lived in the same city, we could have a chance to really get to know each other. I remember that he was in Iceland when I first arrived so I had several weeks to settle in before we actually met up. I think that I went to a movie with Dylan and his friends. Not a movie exactly but a series of short films? Which in hindsight is so artsy and I loved the movies. We went to Shake Shack afterwards and I remember thinking his friends were these bros and I just wanted to be alone with him. We decided to get a drink somewhere in Chinatown and it was readily apparent that we were gonna sleep together. It’s funny how important each and every detail was to me at the time because I barely even remember it now. I think we went back to my apartment? And I was so embarrassed because it was a shit hole and I had been to his beautiful palace of an apartment before. That’s just the thing, I was so embarrassed to be my imperfect self around Dylan. I could never just be myself and that was clearly problematic.

We dated/ hung out/ fucked/ whatever you wanna call it for close to 3 months. I tried my best to keep it casual, but it was hard. That’s not my style if I really like someone. And it’s hard to play it cool and be busy when you have so few friends haha. My therapist, someone I started seeing like a week after I moved here, hated him. She made no attempt to hide that. Karen, who I have since stopped seeing, was this mid to late 60 year old woman with GIANT tits who had a cane. It was a lot. Her sessions were a lot, she was super opinionated and taught me exactly how I don’t want to be as a therapist. She was pushy and judgy and yeah, it didn’t work out. It was hard because she’s a sweet lady and she meant well. But she was always telling me to wear a condom otherwise I would get AIDS (I swear to God). She never let me forget the one time that I was going to cook Dylan and I dinner. I had bought us nice steaks from Whole Foods and we were gonna cook at his home. He was running late from work and long story, I ended up waiting 3 hours outside of his apartment for him to get there. He was apologetic but I was beyond done. At least for the evening. I walked the 30 minute walk home and cooked myself one of those delicious filets. Dylan never got to experience my steak making skills but that is something that I learned here in DC: you should never have to wait for anyone else. And that steak is best prepared when broiled.

I feel like I’m straying away from my topic of community, so I’m gonna try to get back to that. And now I’m lost my train of thought… stupid Instagram feed.

I do spend a lot of time thinking about community. For so long it was the community of New York or NYU Steinhardt or Hayley, Josh, Donald and myself. Or just the community/ cradle of school to keep you safe from judging your current life situation. I didn’t realize how lost I would feel after college. I’m not as lost as some people I know- not to name names or compare- but I know it could be worse. I know that I’ve build myself a community here. I have a friend who I go to the farmers’ market with every Saturday and we go for long shady sidewalk walks and talk about work and ambition and sex. It’s wonderful and I feel like this adult who has something she didn’t have before. She has something that Mommy and Daddy didn’t give her, she sat at her pottery wheel and she made it herself. It’s wonky and wombly and sometimes ugly in certain lights, but I made it! And that’s how I feel about this community I have here in DC. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with all of the plans I have with my friends and then sometimes I feel like I have no one and I love that. I just spent all of last night zoned out watching a new Netfflix show. I made myself pasta and I even made my own alfredo sauce. I took a luxurious shower and read my book. I woke up at 5 AM and I was startled and my light was still on. I got up to turn it off and I realized how at home I am here. I am my own community as well as the rings of people around me and I love knowing that. I never felt that in NYC. I tried hard to stand on my own but it was a laborious task. Here in DC, life moves in waves and it’s much easier to not be caught up in everything that is so superficial.

So yeah. Here’s to making the most from the city and the people around you. And to realizing that I am enough of my own community to bring a warm light and ceaseless joy anywhere I go.

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