#she previously had asked me what signs a relationship is unhealthy and i had a lot of examples of that

[enmesheddaughterparentified]

Nothing points out I had a shitty childhood like when my therapist asked me to list signs that a relationship is healthy and I sat in silence for several minutes

#she previously had asked me what signs a relationship is unhealthy and i had a lot of examples of that #personal examples #toxic parents #toxic family #toxic mother #dysfunctional family #toxic mom #childhood trauma #toxic relationship

[railingsofsorrow]

chapter I | catharsis

summary: “Is there— is there something you need?” He's kind. He's so kind and his voice is better than she had ever imagined. 

All of all the things she could have said, what came out is something else entirely.

“Your hair is shorter.”

w.c: 3.4K

warnings/content: mentions of mass food poisoning; implied unhealthy relationships (it will be explored later); germaphobia; fluff.

A/N: WE'RE FINISHED WITH THE LETTERS! I was too excited to start writing the longer chapters with a detailed narrative. I know it took too long but.... here it is, I hope you enjoy! annnd, they finally meet!

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LETTERS — [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9]

CHAPTERS — [1] [2] [3] . . .

❝Catharsis❞

[n.] THE EXPERIENCE OF EXPRESSING STRONG EMOTIONS THAT PREVIOUSLY WERE BLOCKED.

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“Don't even start, Reid.”

Spencer pursed his lips, shifting on the passenger seat. “I didn't say anything.”

Derek scoffed, “I can hear you thinking.”

“Thought broadcasting is a common phenomenon that happens when one thinks others can hear your thoughts. That is not physically possible. It actually might be a sign of paranoia—”

Derek groaned loudly, begging for the gods above that the traffic went easy on him for five minutes. He needed five minutes to get to the other Interstate. Five. Minutes. 

Spencer let out a snicker beside him, having too much fun in being correct as always. He had told Derek beforehand that the safest option would be to take the alternative route, even if that meant it was slightly longer than directly taking the I-95. They still would get to Norfolk University's Student Center faster. 

Derek didn't listen to him and here they were, stuck in traffic just as Spencer predicted. 

In some way, this was good. 

Spencer hated being late to anything, which was why he always double-checks the time so he can get to any place earlier, just to be sure. Just in case. That's him. A pragmatic guy. 

But when he heard where the next case was going to be, he backtracked a little. 

Spencer has been corresponding with Iris Valencia through letters for the entire month of October. It felt like more, maybe years. He knows that this feeling is quite common for people who had found some sort of connection. They have affinity. A bond, if you will. It explains the reason for your comfort after you've just met someone. You used to be strangers, but you realise they like blueberry muffins too and then you have a coffee date scheduled in the afternoon. It is that simple, sometimes. 

Spencer could never relate to that. Well, at least, not before Iris. Although he has never invited her over for coffee and they haven't spoken in person yet. 

Yet.

But it felt like it. It felt like he has known her for a long time.

The case was in Norfolk University, 165,7 miles from Quantico. The place Iris worked as a microbiology professor and which she described that her whole department fell sick because of a supposed food poisoning. 

That hasn't been the first time a university has had that kind of situation. As she mentioned in one of her letters, the Old Dominion University — another university located in Norfolk — was also on the news about food poisoning. The difference was that it had been only a small group of students that suffered the outcome. NSU had it worst, a large group of people had to be sent to the E.R. 

The BAU was called in because of recent deaths in the area. When they eventually connected it to the food poisoning cases happening in the universities, Hotch divided the team into pairs to cover more ground. The suspect list was narrowed down to three students from Norfolk State University. 

“What did you say?” 

“You and Morgan are off to the M.E's office.” Hotch repeated as they left the precinct. 

“You're going to Norfolk State University?” Spencer asked a little dumbfounded. Derek gave him a confused look. 

Hotch halted beside the car door, the crease between his brows deepening. “That's where our first victim lived... Reid, are you alright?”

That finally seemed to be the minute Spencer snapped out of it. “Yes,” he said, clearing his throat. “Yes, sorry. I was just making sure. We'll— we'll go now.”

He felt like a thirteen-year-old boy with his first crush. The accelerated heartbeat, the shaky limbs, the sweaty palms. The not knowing what to do and mostly, what Emily always teased him about and what he only recently noticed: his IQ is, in deed, slashed to half when he's attracted to someone. 

Spencer had not met Iris yet. But he felt all of those things. Through letters. For the first time in his life he couldn't find a scientific explanation for what he was currently feeling. He hadn’t met her, he hadn't seen her, let alone heard her voice. He's only seen her delicate handwriting with her t's curved at the base and her barely noticeable s's and he was quickly roped to her personality. What Iris shared with him so far, that is. 

Spencer studied people for a living. That's a quick way of putting his occupation. He investigated behavior and he entered minds that were just as twisted as the crimes they committed. Some cases stay glued on his brain more than others — it's not like he was able to forget anything, although sometimes he wished he could.

Iris had interested him more than any quantum physics book ever could. 

Spencer knows she likes birds. That's one of the first things she shared with him, actually. He also knows that her favorite author is Haruki Murakami and Spencer has read all of her recommendations, he even bought more books besides the ones she mentioned. He knows Iris hates loud noises, clowns and that she takes her coffee black and plain. He knows how much she cares about her students and that she probably loves what she does because of the way she writes about it. He knows that she doesn't believe in magic, but he's determined to change her mind. 

To Spencer, Iris was like a book. He had no idea what the cover was like and he had not read the synopsis, but from the first page and on, he decided he wanted to know everything there is to know about the story. He wanted to see if there were small notes at the edges of every page or if there were underlined quotes. He wanted to figure out the mystery before the next chapter arrived, even if the ending might be completely different. 

He had come to terms with the fact that he wants to meet her in person for a while now. But Spencer didn't plan when that would happen or if it would happen. He doesn't even know if she would want to meet him. 

Now, he was walking into the University she worked at with her letter tucked into his satchel bag as he forced his brain to focus on what was supposed to be focusing on: the case. 

"Finally." Emily raised a brow as they walked into the room. According to JJ's message an hour ago, they were talking to the Head of the Biology Department because of a lead on one of the suspects. Hotch and Rossi were speaking with Penelope through the speakerphone in a corner of the room. "Took you long enough." 

Spencer shrugged at her jab, pointing at Derek. "I told him, he didn't listen." He was softly shoved in response.

"Shut up, Reid." 

"We're waiting for Mark Dawson to come back with a professor who supposedly has some information on Meredith Fitz." JJ clarified before Spencer could question her why they were all reunited in a professor's office. "They're all in class, we don't want to raise too much attention." 

"Sorry to keep you all waiting." 

A blond man walked into the room with a brunette woman on his trail. He was dressed in a color-coordinated attire, a russet dress shirt with slightly darker khaki pants. A complete contrast with the woman beside him, she wore light blue jeans along with a maroon V-neck sweater vest and a white t-shirt below. Her hair was in a loose bun but some thick curls were falling off. She was tucking them behind her ear constantly. 

Spencer noticed she seemed annoyed. 

"This is Doctor Valencia, she's our microbiology professor. Meredith is one of her students." 

Valencia? As in—

"I can speak for myself." Dr. Valencia said through gritted teeth, shaking hands with every agent. Spencer was too busy sweating like crazy in nervousness to take notice of Emily's and JJ's pointed gaze exchange after the professor's harsh statement towards Professor Dawson. "It's good to meet you, Agents, but I spoke to the police last night, I already gave my formal statement regarding the occurrences of the last week." 

The last person to be introduced was him. 

He heard something that sounded distinctly like a choked-up sound. He didn't pay much attention until Hotch started conducting questions regarding the case. Because that was what he was focusing on, the case. His hands tingling as she drew hers back, barely giving him a look. 

"The FBI?" Iris blinked in surprise. Only now did she seem to really acknowledge everyone in the room. Her shoulders tensed up. "So that wasn't just accidental food poisoning." 

"We're investigating that," Hotch said, being vague on purpose. "It came to our knowledge that Meredith Fitz is one of your mentees?"

Iris nodded, running a hand through her face. "Yes, yes, she is. Meredith is, um, completing her master's degree in post-mortem microbiology."

"Does she have access to your lab?" 

"All of my students have," Iris said. "We have practical classes." She visibly stiffened. "Is she a suspect?"

“We're looking into it,” Hotch responded.

Iris stepped out of her frozen state, interrupting another question being thrown her away.

“This isn't— This isn't right.” She begun. “Meredith is one of my top students. She's a nice girl, she wouldn't do this.”

Emily nodded sympathetic, “as he said, we are still investigating that information. But we do need to speak with her so that can be clarified.” Before Iris could speak, Mark beat her to it.

“She didn't come to class today, so that won't be possible, will it?” Mark sent a look towards Iris that anyone in the room could read it as a pretty clear insinuation. Iris wasn't paying attention to him, she was lost in her thoughts, gaze focused on a corner of the room. 

Spencer was itching to say something, but he stood quiet.

“Neither did Fabian Helley. Another top student of Dr. Valencia here.” He added, leaning back on his desk. “You know, maybe you should investigate this particular pattern.”

Derek let out a sigh. He was done with Dawson's little game. It was clear that the guy was trying to antagonize Iris. 

“Sir—”

“Please stop.” 

Every eye in the room snapped towards her voice. Iris clutched the back of her arm as if she was trying to give herself some form of grounding. Spencer could see how much she cared for each one of her students. He's read about it, it's all in her letters, but even his coworkers who didn't have that bonus glimpse into her character could tell that. 

They could also tell she was greatly bothered by Mark Dawson. And Spencer himself was starting to get bothered by him as well.

“I'll answer your questions and anything else in my office. Is that okay with you?” 

Nobody protested against that and Mark stood by his desk, arms crossed much like a petulant child. They followed Iris towards her office while exchanging curious glances. She did answer all of their questions, hesitating slightly whenever the questions were directed towards Meredith Fitz and Fabian Helley, mostly because she did not believe they could have done such a monstrosity as mass poisoning.

“What happened to being a germaphobe, pretty Ricky?” Derek nudged his shoulder, earning a confused look from Spencer. “You shook the professor's hand. Not a single complaint as always.”

“I was being polite.” His cheeks were burning. Did he shake her hand? Thankfully she wasn’t close enough to listen to their conversation.

Derek disguised a chuckle by soft coughing and Spencer glared at him.

"I'd like to apologize about Professor Dawson. He's been on edge ever since all this started." Iris informed as Rossi and Hotch left the room to call Garcia. 

"We can see that," Emily smiled reassuringly at her. "If you don't mind me asking, is there a particular reason why he seemed displeased about Fabian Helley?" Iris shifted on her feet and everyone else in the room pretended they were not listening in on the conversation since Emily had approached her in a rather private manner.

Still, Iris did not relent. 

"Mark is always displeased by something or someone." It was the last thing she decided to share after pondering to herself. 

It wasn't until Hotch came back into the room to send each of them to interview a few other witnesses — except for Spencer, who he requested to start the geographical profile since they had enough cases as of now – that Iris seemed to glance in Spencer's direction.

Dr. Reid, who she shook hands with and didn't even properly notice until now. Iris was generally a perceptive person, she caught things quickly. Though she's having trouble focusing ever since this morning, perks of a bad night's sleep. She blamed that for not realising him sooner, that was the only possible explanation, really. His honey-brown eyes switched to his colleagues as soon as she caught him looking. 

Iris’ breath caught in her throat. The Behaviour Analysis Unit is here. Spencer mentioned in one of his letters that he works for the FBI... She truly was slow today, wasn't she? 

“Dr. Valencia?” 

She snaps out of her daze to stare at a pretty blonde woman in a dark blazer, she wore a blue t-shirt below. Agent Jareau. That's her name.

“Sorry,” Iris cleared her throat, feeling her cheeks heat up at being caught staring at him. She must look like such a creep. “I zoned out. Were you speaking to me?”

She offers her a sympathetic smile before saying, “we don't want to take much of your time. We know you have lectures to teach. Thank you for your patience.”

“No need to thank me, Agent. It's all good.” Just as each of them gave her their farewells, she was stuck in an inner argument about whether or not she should talk to him. It's not appropriate. He didn't even recognize you, wake up.

Not appropriate. Not appropriate. NOT APPROPRIATE.

“Uh, Dr. Reid?” It was barely above a whisper as if she had been scared of saying it too loud. His body turning around fast was the indication she needed that he had heard her. Thankfully, his team was a little further down the hall to notice the small exchange. “Sorry, I don't mean to get in your way—”

She's completely awkward all of a sudden. Iris couldn't grasp her mind that she's been talking to this man for over a month, flirting, trauma bonding and now she couldn’t utter a word without sounding like she didn’t know a word in the English language.

“Is there— is there something you need?” He's kind. He's so kind and his voice is better than she had ever imagined. 

All of all the things she could have said, what came out is something else entirely.

“Your hair is shorter.”

Well, fuck, Iris. Congratulations, you have officially made a fool out of yourself!

“I did not intend to say that out loud, I am so so sorry, Spenc— Dr. Reid. I just, I saw a picture of yours because of an article that I read and—”

“Iris.” 

“And I—” she froze, watching a smile grow on his lips, which immediately brought warmth to her chest. Somehow, it didn't feel as if he was laughing at her. If he was then it's a beautiful sight to uphold regardless. “Yes?”

“I thought you didn't recognize me.” Spencer bit the inside of his cheek, shifting on his feet. She observed the worn-out sneakers causing her lips to twitch in amusement. One of Iris's assumptions was that Spencer was the kind of guy to wear fancy shoes — it only made sense because of the way he dressed — but that surprised her. At least she’s not the profiler. “You know, we've only been corresponding through letters so I figured you wouldn't...”

Her lips parted in astonishment. “You recognized me?”

His brows furrowed slightly, “yes. Your name is literally on the case file.”

“Oh.”

His eyes softened at her widened eyes as she processed the information. And then his brain pinched him with the fact that that's not how we're supposed to meet. Not because of a case. I'm supposed to invite her for coffee just so I can certify if she actually takes her coffee plain black with barely any sugar on it. Or a library, so we can ramble together about our favourite authors and books. 

Not.in.the.middle.of.a.case.

“You probably have a whole file about me, huh?” Her tone was playful and Spencer remembered how he grinned whenever he read her sarcasm through paragraphs of her handwriting. He learned to find Iris's humor through her words. Seeing it displayed right in front of him, full of vivid colors and a voice he tried to imagine for so long what it was like... He's speechless and already addicted to it.

“Our technical analyst probably has.” Spencer croaked out, forcing himself to avert his gaze to his feet instead. 

Iris’s eyes acquired a spark of excitement. 

“Is that the one with the clingy hugs?”

Spencer let his mouth quirk up on the edges, “yes. That's Penelope.”

“So you know all of my dark secrets before we even share them to each other.” He could hear her playful tone that carried a bit of uncertainty in the end.

“I have no reason to read your file,” Spencer said. Because he didn't. Not unless she was an official suspect. “So no, I don't know about any of your dark secrets.”

“That's good. You won't run for the hills yet.”

“What makes you think I would ever run?”

Their gazes remain on each other for a brief moment until one of them eventually caved and looks away, necks reddening, heartbeat increasing.

“Call me Spencer.” He said, squeezing the strap of his work bag until his fingers turned white. His phone vibrating in his pocket alerted him he'd taken too much time talking and less time working. He didn't want to go. “I-uh, I've read your letter. Just in case you think I've been ignoring you... I haven't. I just haven't had the time to write you back properly.”

Iris tilted her head as she leaned against the wall. “Maybe you don't need to write me back.” What am I doing? She thinks.

He cast her a look of puzzlement before his disappointment could take over, Iris was quick to clarify what she meant. 

“Maybe we could talk instead of write.” She added carefully. Confidence wearing thin. “Over coffee? Not today, of course, you're working and I'm working and we wouldn't have time but... It's—It's a stupid idea, isn't it? I'm sorry. Pretend I didn't suggest—”

“I would love to talk instead of write.” Now that I can finally hear your voice, I can stop trying to image what you sounded like through your letters. I don't want to ever stop listening to you. 

Iris gave him a look of surprise as if she had been expecting rejection because that just might have been the most out-of-place idea she had. Asking Spencer Reid out on a date while he's in the middle of a case where she works? 

“You need to go.” She mused, giving a pointed look at the vibrating cell in his hands.

“As soon as the investigation is over.” He told her after they'd exchanged numbers through their phones. Iris nodded, smiling wildly as he took a few steps back to leave her office but still didn't quite leave.

“As soon as the investigation is over, Dr. Reid.”

Spencer halts, holding onto the doorway as if stopping himself from leaving  — or staying. She didn't know which.

“Call me Spencer.” He repeated, grabbing his phone to pick up the call. Slowly, a smile etched its way into her face and his mouth followed the same action. 

“Okay, Spencer.”

Spencer nodded, holding in a smile. “I have to go.” I don’t want to.

“Please do. I don't want the FBI locking me up because I held you against your will in my office.” A joke. He liked hearing her jokes instead of reading them. “Be careful.” She requested in a slightly more serious tone, just like she always wrote in her letters addressed to him. 

“You too,” he said, taking his time to look at her one last time before he had to sprint off to where Derek required him.

It was very nice seeing you, Iris.

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A/N: hey everyone, welcome to the next phase of SBPP. I'm excited. next chapter you'll have a deeper glimpse into iris' character and some things will come to light. i'd love to read what you guys are thinking of this fic!

taglist: @lilyviolets ; @chayceschultz ; @cultish-corner ; @lover-of-books-and-tea ; @theonecalledrue

#sun-bleached paper petals #spencer reid x oc #spencer reid x original character #spencer reid x iris valencia #criminal minds fanfiction #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid fanfic #sun-bleached paper petals fic

[absconditum-imaginaerum]

Hyunjae | Vulnerable Words | 18.7K Genre | Fluff, Angst, Mutual Pining Notes | Female!Reader x The Boyz Hyunjae, Post College AU. Mentions of alcohol, threats, unhealthy relationships, cursing.  A whole shared brain written piece of work; Rainah and I wrote such eerily similar stories without the other’s knowledge, and here’s my rendition. This is a work of fiction, and any depictions of actions, behaviors, thoughts, and personalities of characters used in this story do not reflect reality.  Summary |  Hyunjae’s been gone for six years, leaving his family and friends behind to escape some painful feelings. Once returning, he realizes that those six years did nothing to help his feelings, and after running into you again, he’s convinced they’ll never go away, and that you’ve felt the same way all along.

Hyunjae hadn’t spent a summer vacation—or any vacation for that matter—in his hometown since leaving for college. He couldn’t place exactly what drew him back, but his parents were ecstatic when he arrived with a suitcase in hand and a shy expression on his face, hoping he still had somewhere to stay, even unannounced, with them. There was an air about his hometown that felt like a sea breeze on his face, like a breath of fresh air, a familiarity he couldn’t seem to find anywhere else.  

His mother welcomed him with open arms, always thrilled to see her little boy, especially when she was never quite sure when she would see him again outside their visits to him. A fresh face he was surprised, but happy, to see was his older sister’s. She gave him a warm smile, waiting for her turn to embrace him after finally getting past their mother.

“You’ve been gone so long, you know,” she said to him. An explanation was queued in his throat transitorily just to hum in response, but for a moment just being welcomed by his family was calming.

“I always have classes in the summer and winter, and it’s a long way for a couple of days,” he explained. His father knew his ambitions, always studying extra hard at school, and was always encouraged to join extracurriculars or take more classes if he could—so he did.

“So, then, what made you take this summer off?” she asked.

It was an inevitable question he knew would be asked, but no matter how many times he thought to himself about the reason, he couldn’t come up with one other than he felt like he should, like he wanted to, like something was calling him back. Unable to answer, he shrugged it off before trekking up the stairs of a house he once called his.

Hyunjae got settled into his old room. Most of the things he didn’t take to college or didn’t ask to be kept were gone, and his bed was a full instead of a twin now, which must have meant that they used his room for guests—which he now was. For a brief moment, he sat on his bed, taking in the reality of actually being back in his hometown and seeing his family for the first time outside of FaceTime in a while. All the trinkets and pictures he’d asked his mom to save glimmered and glowered at him—maybe it was time to go through them to see what he wanted to get rid of. He reached over and gently plucked a silver frame from the dresser which encased a picture of himself and a girl he knew from a long time ago: his childhood best friend.  

Hyunjae thought about you often, about what you were doing, if school had treated you well and how your family was— you both were that type of friends, the type that was close with the other’s family, the type whose families were basically your own.  After moving away, he’d thought about you a lot through college in many lights; the good and the bad.

It was late enough in the evening that fifteen minutes into feeling nostalgic about his old life and friendships made it to dinner time. He was almost startled by the way his mom softly knocked on the frame of his door to alert him that dinner was ready, and although he didn’t feel overly hungry, he wouldn’t refuse mom’s homemade cooking or dare not sit down with them at the very least.  

The evening wasn’t eventful, mostly just catching his family up on what life has been like for the time he’d been away, and similarly asked about things going on around there—about how much it had changed and become more accommodating to the younger crowd and how things had shifted around and all of the infrastructure that had been built. It was so much busier than he’d last remembered, with new shopping strips of immaculate and fingerprint-less glass storefronts with fancy chrome polished doors and neon signs that lit up the night; new bars and restaurants popping up in more populated areas he’d only glazed over while in the back of a ride-share on the way to his parent’s home.  

His family stayed up much later than they had back before he left for college—he only knew because it was unusual for him to be tired before the rest of them, but when he took a peek at the clock, registering quarter to twelve, he was surprised.

“You’ve had a long day of travels, you don’t have to stay up for us,” Hyunjae’s mother commented, resting a hand against her son’s shoulder to bring him back to life, somewhat, as he was dozing off a bit in the corner of the couch. After moving to get up he gave her a soft smile, bid his family goodnight, and headed back to his room.  

The bed and sheets were different, but somehow the way they slid over his body, the cool sheets meeting the warmth of his skin, something about it felt like home. Maybe it was the familiarity of the shape of his room, of the same furniture in the same spots, some trinkets still here and there he had fond memories of, or the comfort of the pillows that he sunk into like a sack of bricks. Maybe he really just was that tired from traveling and the somewhat mental exhaustion of being back and still not understanding what brought him here that any old bed may have felt like this. Despite that, he couldn’t help but glance over to the picture he was hanging on to previously. You both had just graduated high school in the picture, hanging on each other with playful smiles donning your caps and gowns. He wondered what you looked like now because he knew he looked quite a bit different.

Then he began to wonder if you ever thought about him, about how once he left for college the two of you quickly stopped talking... And now that he was thinking about it, he wondered if the number in his phone was even still your number.

Audibly sighing, he rolled onto his side to face away from the dresser from which that photograph was glowering at him, or so it felt. He closed his eyes and pressed his head deep into the pillow, tucking the sheets under his arm so just enough chill of the air conditioning would make it comfortable and somehow, despite his racing thoughts, he fell asleep.  

Three days of summer ‘vacation’ went by agonizingly slowly, but he’d gotten the opportunity to look around some new shops that had popped up around the area with his sister before he was looking at your number in his contacts. Was it even worth reaching out to you? Would you even want to see him? Surely if he was having these feelings, there was a chance that maybe you were feeling them, too. So, as he sat across a bistro table from his sister after ordering lunch, his finger hovered over the message button before typing something quickly so he couldn’t change his mind.

An immediate notification came back from his service provider, notifying him that the number he had messaged was no longer in service, but that didn’t seem to ease his tension any as he looked back at the message with a displeased expression—shockingly upset in a way even he couldn’t understand.  

“Who are you secretly texting under the table?” Hyunjae’s sister asked, not even remotely distracted with her food enough to not notice.

Hyunjae sighed, there was no reason to lie—it didn’t even really matter at this point, all hopes of him contacting you had been thwarted by the fact that you’d changed your number who even knew how long ago.

“An old friend from a long time ago, but their number is disconnected,” he replied with a sigh and all but tossed his phone against the rustic wood table, finally turning to his flavored tea for the first sip since it had arrived, and already their food was there. “I haven’t seen her since we both left for separated colleges… I figured if I was going to be here, it might be worth seeing her if she was still around.”

She looked at him for a moment; one name clicking in her mind right away and without thinking blurted it out. Hyunjae turned his gaze away from his plate, trying to wrangle his appetite, and up to his sister. Your name almost hurt him to speak out loud, but his look only confirmed his sister’s suspicions.

“Her family still lives around the corner, their old house…” she trailed off, trying not to step on any toes if there were toes to be stepped on, “I’m sure her mom would like to see you, she asks about you a lot.”

“Mom never told me that,” Hyunjae replied, appetite completely out the window that his point even if he picked around at the side of fruit on his plate.

“At the very least, you might be able to ease yourself about it.”  

So, after a few more days of hanging around at home, helping his mom with some shopping, and exploring his some-what forgotten town with his sister, he pulled on a light jacket after dinner and announced he was going for a walk. His sister gave him a knowing look, almost promising she wouldn’t say where he was going as he stepped into his shoes and left out the front door. The way to your house was emblazoned in his mind, he knew it like the back of his hand—it was close and he couldn’t even count the number of times he’d been there over the years.

The yard was the same, littered with beautiful flowers as it always had been—your mother had a knack for gardening. All the flora was nicely groomed while the outside lights illuminated the walk-way a pale yellow color that glowed in the twilight air.  He approached the door, a tight knot in his stomach; he hadn’t even planned anything to say to you, if you happened to be there, which almost made him turn back if he hadn’t already pressed the bell, listening to it chime loudly through the house before a quiet voice called back.

Hyunjae shoved his hands deep into his pockets as he listened to the locks turn before the door opened to a woman he was so familiar with, a woman who didn’t look a day older than when he’d last seen her at his high school graduation. A soft smile pulled at his lips, and his eyes softened just looking at her.  She smiled back, although there was a glint in her eyes that told him that she wasn’t quite sure who he was.

“Can I help you?” she asked politely.

Hyunjae’s smile faded a bit, but not enough to drop from his face.

“I’m here to see my second family, after being gone for six years,” he replied gently, hoping that was enough.

She shook her head as her gaze cast away from him, which inevitably resulted in the smile dropping from Hyunjae’s face.

“Six years pass and your son from another family doesn’t even call you mom anymore,” she teased him as her eyes came back up to meet his disappointed gaze. “You’ve gotten so tall over the years, Hyunjae.”

His smile struggled to come back, and all he knew was the warmth of her embrace as she stepped just outside the door to wrap her arms around him. “I ask about you all the time, your mother always tells me how busy you’ve been and that you don’t even come to visit them.”

Somehow it made him feel guiltier coming from your mom than his own mom—maybe that was because his dad was always chirping in the background about studying hard, about how they’d always be there for him to come back when he was ready. His hands slowly pulled out of his pockets to embrace her back with words caught in his throat, a poor excuse of an explanation about why he hadn’t come back. It didn’t matter, the thought of you loomed in the back of his mind like a bad dream, and, as if her intuition could still reach him…

“She’s out at work tonight. Would you like me to let her know you dropped by?”

Now he was really on the spot. He could feel a shiver shoot down his spine and he thought about just asking for your phone number, but that felt like too much of a hassle. His hands shook a bit, and he was sure your mom could hear the way his heart raged against the cage of his chest just trying to come up with a response to a simple yes or no question.

“Yes, please,” he finally blurted, but it sounded unsure, there was no conviction. She reeled back to get a good look at his face, to see the nerves all over it, to see the frustration knitted in his brow.

“She asks me about you, which is half the reason I ask about you. When your mom said you never come around for holidays—”

“I wish she’d called me,” he interrupted; but did he mean it?

“You both were busy! She didn’t want to bother you—if you weren’t coming home for vacation, she figured you were doing other things. I’ll let her know you stopped by, I’m sure she’ll be thrilled to hear that you’re in visiting for a bit.”

Hyunjae slowly nodded and allowed your mom to return inside and bid him goodnight before he was turning away on autopilot. A million things were running through his mind—the most important seemed to be what would he say to you when he finally did see you again for the first time? He couldn’t even come up with something good to say even on the spot with you potentially answering the door to your childhood home. For certain he knew that he would be standing there, looking like a fool, stuttering for quite some time—he had no doubt you’d just look at him with that same patient look whenever he couldn’t come up with the right words for you.  

After returning, he didn’t have too much to say as he headed up to his room, the same thoughts cycling his mind like a cropped film reel, but it wasn’t distracting enough to stop him from grabbing that same silver-framed photo of the two of you and plopped on his bed to look at it, hoping it would inspire some things to say.

At least he’d have three days before seeing you, finally, but it was fairly unexpected. His family was just getting ready to sit down to eat when there was a knock on the door. As the youngest and spryest, Hyunjae stood from the table to allow his family to start eating, but they were just as curious. An awkwardness loomed the moment his eyes met yours after tugging the door open; of course, he didn’t recognize you, really—it had been a good chunk of time since he last saw you.

“Sorry, maybe I’m at the wrong house,” you tried, a plate of baked goods in your hands as you looked back at Hyunjae before taking a step back to look at the address. There was a screech of a chair across the floor as it was being pushed out, followed by another one before the doorway was crowded by his sister and mother who greeted you enthusiastically. It didn’t take long for you to come to the ultimate conclusion.

Your eyes shot back to Hyunjae’s, who was still looking at you despite all of the commotion coming from around him which inevitably pushed him out of the way of the doorway. Somehow the plate was coaxed out of your hand with a million questions being asked about it and you were being tugged into the house with insistence that you join them for dinner. You couldn’t answer, your gaze remained locked with Hyunjae until the both of them realized that he was your primary focus, and quickly the chatter stopped and silence took over again.

“Well, aren’t you going to say something to her?” his sister asked, prompting him to come somewhat back to life and he shook his head, swallowing hard, but still nothing was in there to say—he wasn’t sure what to say, so he settled with your name.  There was a burning within your face that you couldn’t contain, and couldn’t help the way your eyes trailed away from his face.

“Hyunjae… it’s been so long, I didn’t even recognize you,” you finally said, but still didn’t feel comfortable just yet looking back up at him.

Hyunjae swallowed the knot in his throat, and after some prompting from his sister in the background, finally found something good to say.

“Would you… would you please stay for dinner with us?” he asked. You could feel the nerves in the shakiness of his voice, and in the half-step he took towards you which you could only see because you were looking at his feet. “There’s plenty, and you’re not a bother, and… to be honest, I tried messaging you the other day, but I don’t have your number anymore and I went to your mom’s and—”

“I’ll stay,” you replied, finally finding the heart to look up at him with a soft genuine smile. You could hear his sister and mom behind you, but still, you were focused on the grown-up boy in front of you, who had grown so tall since you’d last seen him—you weren’t even heighted anymore. Hyunjae pulled out your chair at the table and got you a plate and some utensils. Naturally, he placed you between him and his sister where you usually sat when you stayed with them for dinner when you were younger.

Conversation ensued quickly between you and the rest of Hyunjae’s family since you were still far more familiar with them. You settled in next to Hyunjae again, and although there was a lot to talk about, a lot to catch up on between the two of you, you enjoyed the fact that the rest of the family was breaking the awkwardness and allowing you and Hyunjae to chime in when appropriate.

The conversation was mostly about you, about school, about how life had been since leaving for college since you and Hyunjae had pretty much broken contact by the end of the first semester. Honestly, it broke both your hearts a little bit, and you could feel the stinging of those same pieces even now. Hyunjae told you what your mom said, about you not wanting to call him, and all of the subsequent lack of communication that led to your complete separation. Conversation seemed to flow a bit more freely between the two of you again, deep somewhere there was an understanding about the hurt that the split caused the both of you. Unfortunately, after that, dinner went quickly and although it wasn’t getting too late, you felt like you needed to go.

“Thank you for the lovely dinner, Mr. and Mrs. Lee, inviting me in so unannounced,” you began, and then addressed Hyunjae’s sister and then Hyunjae.

“It’s always a pleasure to have you over, dear,” Mrs. Lee commented with that same full smile she always had. She always made you feel like a part of the family, like her own daughter.

“Let me walk you home,” Hyunjae offered.

“It’s not far,” you reminded him.

“It’s late and I don’t want you to go by yourself,” he insisted.  

He could see the fight in your eyes, the same fight from the number of years ago when he’d say the same thing, when he’d walk you home no matter how much you insisted it wasn’t necessary. The way you dug in was noticeable, preparing to stand your ground against him because, who was he to be so concerned as someone who left? And maybe that was the wrong mindset to have about him because you could feel, even in the way he looked at you, that he still cared for you.

Hyunjae gave you that look where his gaze got a little more tender and there was an almost unnoticeable raise of his brows and a head flick towards the door. It had you swallowing hard, barely even noticing the silence before it was interrupted.

“Please, Hyunjae will walk you home! It’s safer that way!” Hyunjae’s sister chimed in and took a hold of your arm to bring you back to earth. You looked at her, blinking a few times before reluctantly nodding. She gave you a tight squeeze, reminding you how good it was to see you and to not be a stranger because she would always be around and Hyunjae was home for the whole summer.  

Out of old habit, Hyunjae extended his elbow to you, and, to avoid being overly awkward, you took it, but not without looking up at him questioningly as he was pulling you out of the door. You walked slowly side by side once getting off the initial porch of his parent’s home, and he reached over to cup over your hand to keep it from slipping away.

“If you don’t mind too much…” he trailed off, asking you to keep your hand around his arm as he escorted you to your home. He didn’t look at you, even when you looked up at him. It was okay, though, because you could hear something in his voice that pained you a bit, so you tightened your grip around his bicep as you moseyed along the sidewalk. The street lamps provided dim light, barely enough to see the cracks in the slabs of concrete. Admittedly, you felt better that he was walking you home anyway—ever since all of the development in the area, it somehow felt less safe year after year that you’d come home for the summer or winter.  

Hyunjae was silent the entirety of the walk; the only noise he did make was an occasional rough exhale of a somewhat held breath, and in the off chance that you attempted to sneak a peek of him from the corner of your eye you could see his chest contract with that exhale. Then, you were under the familiar light of your home’s porch before you were ready. You knew the walk was only a couple of blocks, but you’d hoped there was more time with the pace at which you were walking. There was so much stuck in your throat that you wanted to say, so much that probably wouldn’t ever come out unless he spoke first; but it looked like there was little to no intention.  

You could feel his bicep flex under your hand, his whole body tensing up next to you as he took another rickety breath. With your eyes still cast down at the ground, you turned your head to him before your gaze fluttered up his chest to his throat and eventually his face; he had gotten so much taller since leaving. The numbers of your address next to it seemed to scrutinize him before he swallowed hard. Hyunjae carefully peeled your hand away from his arm and held onto it as he helped you up the step onto your actual porch landing.

“Hyunjae,” you tried as you turned to face him—leaving in complete silence seemed incomprehensible, unimaginable.

“I’m sorry,” he replied quietly, but his gaze was still cast to the side of you. “I guess just actually seeing you, actually sitting down with you at the table with my family like old times just…opened wounds I didn’t know were there…”

The tone in his voice and the look in his distant gaze was like putting salt in the wounds you knew were there, you knew had been there for years. It took a few moments of silence, but his eyes eventually found yours. He looked at you with a tenderness you’d never seen out of him before, and of course, over six years there was a lot of growing and a lot of changes, but this particular look put knots in your stomach, unlike anything you had ever felt before.

“I think if we’re going to do any mending, that’s a talk we need to have,” you answered, finally noticing the way his hand lingered in yours, the way it had been for the last few moments that you hadn’t registered his fingers playing with yours.

The moment his gaze turned away from yours again, you took a step forward and your hand left his to turn his chin back towards you. “That means you can’t run away again,” you reminded him, as if his first departure away to college was him running away in the first place.

He nodded in your soft grip, but you could see the way his brow ached to draw together.

“Go home, sleep on it, get the right words… we’ll talk,” you told him, hands both dropping back to your sides.

“I’m sorry,” he said again, but this time you weren’t sure what for. Just as you were about to turn towards your door to leave him, he took you around the middle and dragged you into him, hulling you up against his firm chest as his arms tightened against you. Initially, you were surprised. The audacity, but also the guts it took to pull you into a hug when he was stumbling over his words like a dancer with two left feet. Your hands ghosted up his arms, slowly feeling his frame—tall and warm against your own—before your arms draped across his shoulders. Your head was turned to the side, pressed against his collar turned inwards towards the center, and, much to your own surprised, you relished the hug like home. This felt akin to the hug he gave you before you both departed to your separate cities, vowing that he would maintain contact which quickly disintegrated. Honestly, it had tears pricking at your eyes like you were saying goodbye all over again, but also releasing the gates on the emotions you’d stowed away for all those years with no thoughts that he’d ever come back.

His breathing was now even more noticeably rickety with your head pressed up against his chest. A few more times he apologized, still for reasons you weren’t aware of, and squeezed you even tighter for just a moment longer before he was finally releasing you.

“I’ll wait until you’re inside,” he said as you stepped back from him, and even still he wouldn’t look right at you.

“Go home safely,” you replied, stepping backward until your back unceremoniously hit your front door. You were pawing at the handle, watching him wait for you until you finally popped the door to let yourself inside. “Goodnight, Hyunjae,” you added.

“Goodnight,” he replied, and your gaze finally met his before you turned to close him away from you.

--

Hyunjae spent the next couple of days mulling over your brief conversation about a conversation that still was yet to be had. It was up to him to find you when he was ready; obviously, he had a lot to say to you which would undoubtedly be coupled with a bit of stumbling around for the correct words, no matter how many days he had to think about it.  

At least, he attempted to think about it. He slowly kicked his way down the river-front walkway to the dock where you used to play around as kids. The river-front was full of all kinds of neat little local mom and pop shops that gave life to the town, especially when the sun was setting in spring or fall when it gleamed off the river just right and an array of purples and oranges and all the colors in between painted the sky so beautifully. It used to be an empty area, abandoned commercially with the docks left to be perfect ground to play pretend as kids.

He remembered the dock fondly as he stepped off the concrete path and onto the surprisingly preserved wooden boards that looked like they had been sanded and re-varnished recently. Maybe the dock was still in use for smaller boats, or maybe those people who owned the river-front stores kept it looking nice for tourism purposes. Either way, he was happy, because that meant he had to worry less about splinters.

The tide was out, so there was plenty of room for Hyunjae to dangle his legs off the side of the dock as he took a seat, looking out to the glittering seawater which was reflecting the aforementioned sunset colors. He recalled all the fond memories he had of this particular dock with you—it was where you spent most of your time together playing pirates and other silly little kids games and remembered one time very vividly when he was roughhousing a little too much and you ended up tumbling off the dock into the water. He was lucky his older sister was there to pull you out—you were maybe six or seven at the time; he remembered how bad he felt, how many times he profusely apologized and the way you smiled about it, laughed about it even and gave him a hard time for being too concerned. Looking back on it, he wouldn’t have changed anything.

Incessantly he gnawed at his bottom lip, doing a little more thinking of the way things used to be and less thinking about what he would say to you when the inevitable conversation came. Maybe he’d benefit from playing through his memories, and he would have continued to think of them if there wasn’t an iced drink being shaken right next to his ear.

He jumped, a bit startled by the sound, and looked over to a stout iced coffee being handed to him and followed the arm up to your face, where you smiled at him jovially with the straw of your own coffee comfortable between your lips.

“Did you know I would be here?” he asked you and tenderly took the coffee from you and scooted over to make a bit of room for you to sit next to him. You plopped down, hanging your legs off the side of the dock the same way his were for a moment, examining your coffee as you stirred it.

“I had a hunch… and then I stopped by your house,” you told him, implying that they had told you that he went for a walk, but how many places could he possibly go in a city that wasn’t his anymore.

“I’m not ready to have the talk,” he replied quickly as to not get your hopes up about it.

“That’s okay,” you said, “we don’t have to talk about that, we can talk about anything. Or we don’t have to talk at all.”

“But you bought me a coffee—”

“I could see you from the shop,” you laughed, referencing the river-front shop maybe fifty yards away.

Hyunjae just nodded, still too nervous to even look at you again since taking the coffee from you in the first place. He hadn’t even tasted it, just continued to spin the ice around the clear plastic cup as condensation built up on its sides before finally mustering the courage to thank you for the coffee.

A few moments of silence passed--if he didn’t have anything to say, that was fine, but you wouldn’t be the one to force conversation as you kicked your feet back and forth and continued to sip on your coffee. You found the nerves fluttering around in your stomach were also making it hard to look at him, which probably benefitted him anyway.

You wouldn’t, and couldn’t, blame him for being closed off, and gave him a pass for a couple of days ago, the affection and openness after the first time seeing you; the well of emotions was hard to ignore especially when the two of you used to be so close. But now that he had a few days to settle in, a few days to think about that… a different tune was expected. The imminent conversation that loomed in the background of both your minds (perhaps at the forefront of his) was only exacerbating the awkwardness you stewed in.

“Do you want me to go?” you asked after a moment; you had, after all, been the one to come second. It was his dock if he wanted it.

“No, I’m sorry. A million things are running through my mind, and I’m just trying to not say something stupid,” he replied, and finally, the blood rushing through him gave him enough adrenaline, faux confidence, to turn his head just enough to peer at you from the corner of his eyes.

“I didn’t mean to make this trip so hard on you—”

“It’s not you, it’s me. It’s one hundred percent me, and that’s the part I’m grappling the hardest with. I just…” He sighed, taking a moment to compose himself as he ran his free hand through his hair, pushing it back from his forehead just to let it flutter back into place. “You must hate me, for treating you the way I did. For never bothering to check in with you, or even come back. For just leaving you behind like you were nothing.”

His words stung, indubitably. Although that was the fact of the matter, you’d always tried to make excuses for him, but when he gave it to you in total plainness, you understood his feelings a bit better.

“I was afraid to go, and part of me felt like I would be better off if I just… forgot about here and everything with it.” He paused for a moment, biting that bottom lip harder than ever before, and stifled a growl deep in his throat when he finally clenched his teeth together. “I’m sorry, for being such a… freaking jerk!” His voice raised volume at the end of his sentence, emphasizing the way he assumed you felt about him because that was how he felt about him.  “There’s so much more I want to say to you but I just don’t… I don’t have the right words yet.”

He took a deep swig of his coffee to try to cool himself off after winding himself up, but it was mostly so he’d shut up before saying anything else harmful because he could already feel the shift in your aura that wasn’t so jovial anymore. Admittedly, his words clawed at the metaphorical stitch job over your wounds, pulling hard at the threads that closed them up, and you could taste a bit of that initial pain resurfacing. Emotionally, you didn’t want to have that coming conversation, but logically you knew that if you were going to heal completely about each other that it was entirely necessary.    

“Thank you for being vulnerable with me,” you finally said after a few moments of silence. You knew how much it took to get just even that out, the amount of pride he undoubtedly had to push aside to admit fault in the first place. The fact that he openly admitted he was afraid was somehow unlike the Hyunjae you used to know.  

He couldn’t even look at you again and took another sip of his coffee to effectively polish off the small cup before he discarded it to the side you sat on. Gingerly, you collected it intending to throw it away when you left, guessing it would be before him. The silence that loomed between you had you able to hear the way his fingernails scratched against the fresh varnish of the dock in frustration.

“Why are you even sitting here with me? I wouldn’t even have the patience to talk to me until it was time to hear me grovel at your feet about what a piece of shit I was and how I don’t even deserve you to still be in my life anyway and that it was foolish of me to even go to your house, to begin with, and—”

“Stop,” you interrupted, maneuvering both cups to one hand somehow just so you could set your now free hand down on top of his to squeeze it.  

“But I just—”

“Hyunjae, stop!” you pleaded, and he’d finally turned to look you in the eye, entirely, for the first time since you sat down. “You’re not a piece of shit—”

“Only that could possibly do to you what I did; a spineless and weak little—”

“Enough!” you begged—now he was just making you angry, but only because you were hurt with the way he beat himself up harder than you ever would; that was something you found familiar about him.  “You know I don’t think that!”

“Don’t sit here and lie to my face like this,” he almost growled. “I know what I did to you, and I would hate me—”

“Great, but you’re not me,” you fired back with matched ferocity, and so you exchanged your look between his eyes, noting the way they shimmered amber reflecting the sunset light off the water, noting the way they looked at you with such intensity, while trying to stave the tears that were pushing against his waterline. There was a bubbling against your throat, words you knew you didn’t want to say that burned like wildfire. You continued to switch between his eyes, knowing the things queued weren’t going to help the situation in any way and so, to avoid saying something you knew you’d regret, and since you knew he wouldn’t stop pushing you, you pushed up from the dock and took his empty plastic cup with you to leave him with the burn of your hand on top of his and that distinct lack of your gaze into his eyes.

Then, and only then, did the tears that threatened have room to fall. His nails scraped against the dock even harder as he clenched his fist, still able to feel the warmth of your hand on top of his as he stared through the ghost of your presence. His jaw was tight, and his tears were hot—they were angry, frustrated, discontent but not with you. The wounds were deeper than he thought, still more tender than he thought, and all that led him to a harsh conclusion—the final talk would be even worse hell than he initially imagined.  

__

A few days away from each other allowed for a bit of cooling off. Hyunjae drafted a few notes of things he wanted to say to you but often scrapped them, knowing that it would sound ingenuous if he was reading off a cue card. Several crumpled half sheets of paper filled his trashcan, a sight that annoyed him even as he lay on his bed with his eyes closed, knowing he needed to get something to stick. It was already two weeks into summer break and while there was plenty of break left, the sooner you had this talk, the sooner he would stop feeling like complete garbage for being in the same town as you.

That’s really what it was; initially, it felt so good to see you again—although you’d changed a lot in six years, the familiar presence made home feel a lot more comfortable. But the more he settled in, the more he thought about it—thought about what you were feeling, thought about how you made him feel, thought about everything that went down before he said what he imagined was his last goodbye and quite frankly, for as much as he cherished and cared about you, the goodbye was sub-par to shit. And he knew it would come crashing down, that comforting euphoria of having you close to him again when those fateful words exited your mouth: that’s a talk we need to have.

He hated the feeling that was coursing through him now, touching every nerve ending he had, absolute dread. Now, he was feeling like it was a mistake to come back, although he was entitled to the town as much as you were as his family lived there also—the biggest mistake was trying to see you again.  

A knock on his door brought him out of his thoughts and his eyes opened to look at it as it began to crack open. His sister had a tray with some cups and a kettle on that she was maneuvering through the door, pushing it back closed with her foot as she set the tray on the large dresser to the left. She looked at Hyunjae before noticing the pile of paper around his small garbage.

“What happened?” she asked, knowing it was something because Hyunjae seldom spent so much time in his room, plus he’d been off for a couple of days since he’d seen you at the dock.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Hyunjae replied, gracefully accepting the freshly poured tea his sister was handing him.

“I don’t think that’s what I asked,” she replied—she usually didn’t let him get away with that, even since they were kids.

Hyunjae sighed and blew on his cup of tea for a moment. “Just marinating in the consequences of my colossal fuck ups,” he replied with a fake smile to the emptiness of his room, although the statement was directed at his sister.

“She doesn’t hate you, if that’s what you think,” she replied and took a seat on his bed. “She’s hurt about you; I’d be hurt about you. There’s a lot to process between the two of you right now, a bit deeper than you might expect to find. It’s awkward and tense and tough to swallow, but you have to do it if you want to salvage it. But I know she doesn’t hate you.”

He swallowed hard; he didn’t even want to look at his sister for the time being as he was having a hard time with the things she was even saying—they were true; he knew they were true. But about you not hating him? Maybe he didn’t believe that. He was slipping into his thoughts again before his phone started vibrating in his pocket. It was unusual, because seldom did anyone call anymore, and who would be calling anyway? He finagled it out of his pocket to look at the caller ID to see someone he recognized: Kevin Moon.  

Hesitantly, he swiped to answer, leaving his sister to occupy herself about his room.  

“Hello?” he muttered unconfidently.

“Hyunjae! I heard you’re finally back in town!” Kevin’s voice seemed a bit too jovial, jolting Hyunjae a bit.  

“Ahh… yeah. It’s been a minute, huh?” he inquired less enthusiastically.

“A minute! More like a lifetime; you’ve been gone for six years! Anyway enough about that; I’ve planned a get-together for a bunch of friends from back in the day! You know, our high school group! When I heard you were back, I had to invite you! You should come by, I’m sure everyone would love to see you!”

It would be rude to ask who was invited, and then decide based on that; but there was certainly a handful of people he would do better not seeing again, perhaps.  He had an answer queued in his throat, he wanted to say that he wouldn’t make it—

“You better go, you’re not doing anything and you need to get out,” his sister commented, loud enough for Kevin to hear.

The look on Hyunjae’s face dropped in an instant when Kevin confirmed that he heard and looked at his sister with daggers in his eyes.

“I’ll kill you,” he mouthed to her but she just smiled and sipped her tea. He composed himself with a deep breath before agreeing to be there and briefly negotiated the time and place and after Kevin hung up, he let out an exasperated sigh.

“There are so many people who are going to be there that I don’t want to see,” he grumbled.

“But there’s so many people who you do! Plus, people who would love to see you, and you can’t just mope around here all day, I won’t have it!” she exclaimed and took her seat back next to him. “You need to get out; sitting up here and thinking about what you’re going to say will make you age too fast. The right words will come, I promise.”

“I think you’re too confident,” Hyunjae said.

“I need to be confident for both of us,” she reminded him and filled her cup back up before leaving him with the rest of the pot in his room.

It was already late in the afternoon at that point, and Kevin’s party would be starting in a couple of hours. He sat on his bed with his legs crossed as he finished off the pot of tea, taking up another half an hour before finally deciding he would shower for the party and at least try to look more put together than he felt.  What did the extent of the old group mean? Because you were technically part of the old group; asking about you outright would be too suspicious. There would be plenty of people there to keep you both distracted from each other especially since they’d undoubtedly seen you far more, which meant it was likely he’d be engaged the whole time.

He set the tray off to the side on his desk—he’d take it back downstairs later—and grabbed some things for the shower with a sincere hope that some hot water would help clear his mind. And perhaps he spent far too much time in there, because by the time he got out and checked the clock it was already twenty minutes passed when he thought it was. He rushed through toweling his hair somewhat dry enough to comb it a certain way and hoped it would stay, tugged on a black button-up and a light wash pair of jeans before he was heading out the door, mentioning briefly to his parents that he was going to Kevin’s, a name they were familiar with, and that he’d be back later.

When Kevin answered the door, it was nothing short of a party right there. It had been a long time since any of them had seen him, so the commotion was understandable, and then an actual genuine smile broke on Hyunjae’s face as he clapped hands with his buddy who was quickly garnering the attention of the other party-goers who had also missed him.  

Hyunjae stepped through the door, a cup immediately put in his hand as he greeted all his old high school buddies amongst the dimly lit room. Kevin always knew how to set the mood of a get-together; this was no different, done up with candles and string lights that slowly faded to different soft colors with some low music in the background. There were a couple of yard games going on outside, corn hole and beer pong with tables of appetizers and coolers full of drinks of all varieties.  

“Wow, Kev, you went all out,” Hyunjae commented and reached into his pocket for his wallet to try and supplement some of the cost, but Kevin stopped him immediately.

“You’re the guest of honor; you’re the whole reason I put this thing together,” he replied and encouraged him to put his wallet back. “When I heard you were back I knew the guys would be stoked to see you. It seems like you’ve been gone a lifetime!”

Hyunjae laughed nervously and hoped that he wouldn’t be asked why he never came back to visit. It was a thought he was still grappling with; a thought he knew half the answer to but the other half was something he’d rather not visit. He had mentioned it to you out loud that day on the dock and it left a burning in his throat ever since—he couldn’t decide if it was because it was the truth or because he knew he was only telling you part of it.   Regardless, he tried to push it from his mind before taking a swig from the plastic solo cup in his hand: a hurricane tasting concoction that wasn’t quite right and a bit too strong.  

As he expected, he was fairly occupied with the swaths of conversations, always being caught by someone new he thought he’d never see again to strike up a conversation about what he was up to and so far, he’d avoided the dreaded question about not visiting. It was safe to assume that he was just caught up in things; Hyunjae was always a hard studier; school was very important.  In a fairly short time, considering the duration of Kevin’s parties typically, he’d gotten through most of the high school group who had come up to him in small circles to greet him and catch up a bit.  

For a bit, he’d been roped into a couple of games of corn hole. It was fun while it lasted, although he couldn’t say he was any good at it. It was the bonding and laughing that counted, especially when someone’s throw was particularly bad and they all laughed at each other for never playing games like this in their college days—it seemed everyone turned out to be quite studious in their time at school and spent less time at frat parties.  

When one of the rounds was finally over and Hyunjae’s drink had run dry, he found a replacement for his team and excused himself back inside the house to make something more his speed. There were a few small circles of people who seemed like they were all catching up—turned out he wasn’t the only one gone for an extended period. Hyunjae dug through a cooler for a can of coke to mix his own drink before he was overhearing some drama he probably shouldn’t have concerned himself with, but it was right around the corner from the kitchen and it sounded unwelcomed.  

“Please just leave me alone,” a voice Hyunjae recognized sounded quietly. Suddenly his desires were conflicted when could tell they were trying not to make a scene but then recognized the voice as yours. On the one hand, he figured the two of you needed a little more space, but on the other hand, was he about to just stand by and let whoever was bothering you continue to do so?

No, he couldn’t let it go, and set his cup down on the kitchen counter, and carefully rounded the corner of the wall to find you sandwiched between it and Sangyeon, someone he considered to be close friends with at one point in time. The look on your face when you finally opened your eyes to see him was nothing short of desperate, but Sangyeon had you locked in tight.  

Hyunjae wanted to verbalize his protest, but the look on your face caught his words in his throat. Instead, he stepped forward and took Sangyeon’s shoulder to pull him away from you.

“She asked you to leave her alone,” he was finally able to manage just as Sangyeon had stumbled back slightly, ready to give Hyunjae a few choice words before meeting eyes with the familiar younger male.  In less than a second flat, you’d scrambled off the wall to take Hyunjae’s arm as he protectively tucked you behind him, expecting a confrontation. Sangyeon knew the history between you and Hyunjae well.

“Dude, it’s cool,” he tried, a friendly smile on his face as he reached for you.

“Dude, it’s not cool. She asked you to leave her alone,” Hyunjae fired back, taking a step back, and subsequently stepping you back.

“Babe, just tell him—”

“I’m not your babe anymore, Sangyeon. I thought that was clear,” you spat from behind Hyunjae.  Although there was shock in his subconscious, he couldn’t let that display on his face. He kept his expression as stone-cold as possible as he glared down the older male who was gritting his teeth. It wasn’t hard to piece together the situation; you and Sangyeon used to date, you called it off and Sangyeon didn’t like it.

“I got it, Hyunjae,” Sangyeon tried again, as if trying to convince him that it was a situation he didn’t need to be a part of, but he could feel your grip tighten a little bit on his arm and he wasn’t about to abandon you—he didn’t care who to.

“How about you take a walk,” Hyunjae suggested, knowing what Sangyeon was implying. The older seemed shocked by his reply, and rightfully so. “She asked you to leave her alone; I don’t think she should have to do so again.”  

There was an uncomfortable silence that loomed between the three of you, and you could see the look in Sangyeon’s eyes that you were pretty familiar with and so tugged yourself closer to Hyunjae. The younger raised his brow, prompting for a reply or for the older to move on. It was clear Hyunjae wasn’t going to back off, especially not as he tucked you just a little bit further behind him.

“Take a walk,” Hyunjae reaffirmed, a growl on the tail of his words and he stood firm until Sangyeon growled, attempting to glare past the other male to get to you, but Hyunjae consistently stepped in his view to make sure that would not be successful.

It hurt your pride a little bit, to be rescued from your ex-boyfriend by anyone at that party, but most particularly Hyunjae who you were not expecting to see, although you were expecting him to be there—and you really weren’t anticipating him seeing that. Surely he knew, and surely he gave you a couple of moments to decide what you wanted to do as you stood against him, against his back, waiting for Sangyeon to clear out and even beyond. Hyunjae’s rhythmic breathing was soothing as he made no moves and only looked forward; he could feel the way your hand still furled into his pressed black shirt, the way your forehead lay against his shoulder blade while his hands dangled at his sides.

“Are you okay?” he asked after a few moments. He was met immediately with a tightness of his shirt, as you gripped it a little harder.  “Did he hurt you, physically?” he asked, since he could tell you probably weren’t okay, at least for the time being, and he could feel you shake your head against his shoulder.  

“Let’s sit somewhere quiet,” he suggested and waited for you for a moment before you were peeling yourself off his back. You expected he wouldn’t look at you, just lead the way through the house that he had been in more times than he could count as he led you towards the back of the house, but not before being caught by a passerby. Feeling a tug on his arm as you responded to the tug on your arm, Hyunjae jolted to a stop.

“Are you okay?” Younghoon asked you. It wasn’t so far out of reach that you be put in a position you didn’t want to be in, but Younghoon couldn’t know that you’d just been rescued from one. Before you could answer, Hyunjae looked over his shoulder at Younghoon.

“O-oh,” Younghoon stuttered. Everyone around knew about you and Hyunjae. “Of course, I’m sorry,” he apologized, soothed only by the warmth of your smile as you pushed the threatening tears further and further so that you could finally get out of there as you were pulled into a back guest room—you could tell it was a guest room because of the décor and the dust on the furnishings. Hyunjae closed the door behind you as he found the light and flicked it on, giving you space to make yourself comfortable first and he would follow after.

You took a seat on the bed, first, letting everything soak in—starting with Hyunjae and your interaction at the dock for a short time before the situation with Sangyeon, how you would manage to make it through the rest of the party without more problems whether that be between you and Sangyeon, or Hyunjae.  You watched as Hyunjae’s dark shoes made it into view in front of you as you looked down at the pristine wood flooring covered by an area rug.

The fray of your distressed jeans entertained your hands, picking at it nervously as you took a few deep breaths. There was an almost silent noise that came from him as he stuck his hands in his pockets, rolling his shoulders a bit before letting out a rickety exhale. He wasn’t sure what to say at the moment; between Sangyeon, Hyunjae’s blow up at the dock, the kind of bad terms you were on with each other.

“May I see your face?” he asked. He hadn’t seen it since the begging look in your eyes and he wanted to wash that away from his memory. Slowly, you raised your head to look up at him, but he wasn’t sure it was any better. The tears were cropped up against your waterline, tears you were desperately trying to fight off as your shaky fingers continued to pluck the threads on your jeans.

His jaw fell open, so many words queued at the front of his throat but none of them felt good enough to soothe the look on your face as you looked up at him, but also looked around him. Trying to decide if staying there or if reaching for you was the better option, he stood there with his fingers furled in his pockets. A few emotions swirled inside of him, feelings he couldn’t quell; he desperately wanted to avoid you once arriving, but the look on your face pressed firmly against his heart because he still cared deeply for you.

“I-I’m sorry,” you stuttered, “I didn’t expect it, him, any of it. I told Kevin, he said it would be taken care of and—”

Hyunjae gathered you into the warmth of his chest, wrapping both arms tightly around you to provide you some semblance of safety as he sat to your side on the bed.

“You do not have to apologize to me; I only wish I could have helped you sooner,” he reminded you, rocking with you a little bit before he sat more squarely on the bed and tugged you to hold you more firmly, more steadily, more securely. You hid your face against his neck, and the tightening in his throat at the feel of your warm tears against his skin was incomparable.

“I’ll have a word with Kev—”

“Please don’t,” you begged. “This was supposed to be a party for you and I don’t want it to be ruined because of me, because of Sangyeon; I should have never come, I knew it was a mistake, that there was no way it could be assured,” you explained, somehow finding your way to your feet after pushing away from him.

“Don’t…” he pleaded, reaching out to take your hand as he looked up to you now as you stood before him. “Don’t say that. I’m happy you came.” He was playing with your fingers at this point, not minding that you were looking down at that instead of at him.  

“It will be getting dark soon and there will be tons of lights all over the backyard if you’ll accompany me to play some games,” he reminded you. Kevin had hosted many parties in the past with decorations just the same—twinkling multicolored lights hanging everywhere he could get them and then some to really set the mood. Hyunjae had clearly remembered how awed you were by the lights at night from the last parties you’d come to, and that in and off itself set a few butterflies free in your stomach. You looked up to him, meeting his eyes which looked at you so tenderly. It was a tough spot to be in considering, but he wasn’t about to send you back out there knowing uncertainly that Sangyeon was still looming around and would no doubt continue to cause problems if you were on your own.

He waited for your gentle nod before taking your hand fully, cupped flush against his as he guided you out of the bedroom, and shut the light off behind him to take you out to the backyard where everyone was playing games and mingling. Some conversation fell quiet as they watched you pass, others came up to speak with you more openly before he took you to a game you could play standing side by side, and he made a promise to you that he wouldn’t let you out of his sight until he knew Sangyeon was gone.

And thankfully, for both of you, the party passed pretty quickly with a handful of guests bidding farewell to Hyunjae, reiterating that it was good to see him and that he should come back and visit more often because they all missed him—you were not to be forgotten, as they all bid you farewell as well. Some whispers lingered, some sly grins and knowing gazes as they looked at the two of you, seemingly entirely blind to it.

The games had been put away as it got dark out, not even the twinkling fairy lights illuminated the backyard enough to keep the games going, but nobody seemed to mind. The fire pit was lit and a handful of folks sat around it with drinks in hand just letting the conversation flow. You were among those sitting around it, listening to the stories being shared, some about Hyunjae, but others just reminiscing about your high school times and how much some of them missed the simplicity of life back then. Sangyeon, from what you understood, had been long gone, so you felt comfortable sitting by yourself without Hyunjae’s watchful gaze as he fixed you both a drink in the kitchen before emerging with a plastic cup which was put into your line of sight in no time. You took it, looking up at him, but after his hand was emptied it continued to linger. He motioned his head out to the depths of the backyard where more lights were strung about the garden and it would give you some quiet time. Daintily, you placed your hand in his and let him lift you from the lawn chair—there was a missed beat in the conversation for a moment, but continued quickly to try and not look suspicious.

Hyunjae guided you to the exact spot at the foot of a large tree that was upending the wall that housed the backyard and disturbed some other brickwork of the nearby flower garden, but he knew a good spot where the roots dodged just enough for a plush place to sit and placed himself in it first.  You looked at him, skeptical for a minute. There was a choice of where to sit, and he looked at you with no expectations that it would be like old times, so he was a tad surprised when you planted your knees in the grass in front of him and handed over your drink for a second to situate yourself, turning and placing yourself in front of him, between the cage of his legs that bent around you, and gently leaned back into the warmth of his body before collecting your drink.

“You didn’t have—”

“I could use some familiar safety right now,” you interrupted quickly, knowing exactly what he was going to say. Besides, he brought you out there for some peace which typically came from safety and you made the choice on your own.

Hyunjae hummed and leaned back against the trunk of the tree to slouch you a little deeper. Your head rested against his shoulder as you enjoyed the coolness of the evening air, the gentle sounds of crickets and other nightlife, the glow of the galaxy beyond, and the twinkling lights in the gardens around. The only unnatural sounds were that of ice melting in your cups, disturbing your drinks when the structure changed, and the way the cups sounded being moved around. It was quiet, and for the most part, you preferred it that way, but you knew another inevitable question was coming.

“You don’t have to tell me because quite frankly it’s none of my business, but what’s your history with Sangyeon?” he finally asked you. Your cup crinkled in your hand, flimsy under your grasp for only a moment while your other hand plucked a handful of blades of grass from the ground with some quiet pops. He didn’t want to make it too obvious that he didn’t like the idea of you and Sangyeon for reasons he could go on about.

“Long story short, we got together for… reasons… albeit not good ones, and he turned out to be entirely as controlling as you witnessed. I broke it off, he didn’t like it, and heard about this party and knew I’d be here… for you…”

“You should have told me,” he whispered, his voice right above your ear and you could feel the way his jaw shifted against the side of your head.

“We weren’t exactly on great terms,” you reminded him, noting the distress of his jeans against the knee, and mindlessly to distract yourself, you fiddled with the loose strands that were fraying, easy to reach with his knees bent to enclose you. “Besides, I heard there was a chance you wouldn’t show anyway. We all kind of determined that you intentionally hadn’t visited. Not that we thought you hated us, just that you wanted to move on.”

There was a tightening around Hyunjae’s heart he hated as you spoke those words. Hearing you say it hurt in a different way than him coming to grips with it himself. His legs couldn’t help but close on you a bit, a frustrated grunt squeaking from his mouth. Not here, he thought, not now. This was not the best place to be having that conversation, but little did you know that was the conversation.

“I owe you all an explanation, truly,” he said.

“You don’t, really. You have your reasons for doing things that are your own. You don’t owe anyone anything,” you said.

“I owe it to myself, then,” he retorted, “and I want to start with you. But that’s part of the big conversation and while I know you have granted me gracious time to collect my thoughts… it’s a conversation I’d rather have without prying ears as it only concerns you and me without the speculation of anyone else.”

“Hyunjae…” you trailed off, turning your head to fight against his, fluttering at the feel of the corner of his mouth and nose against your forehead. His eyes clenched tightly, once again trying to fight off the feelings, the thoughts, trying not to repeat the day on the dock. To steel his nerves, he turned to the side and took a large swig of his drink, feeling your hand wrap against the outside of his knee to tug it against your body. If it was one thing about Hyunjae you were really in tune with, it was his emotions—you tended to feel how he felt, to understand without him having to say much—and it held true even with six years apart.

“I don’t want you to feel rushed and I won’t force the conversation, but I know you want to say a lot of things, so when you’re ready…” you uttered, nuzzling your chin under his jaw. You were pushing, unintentionally, at the seams of his packaged distress. He was doing his absolute best to be there, to be the open and comforting Hyunjae he always was to you, and that was his ultimate demise. The very concept of Sangyeon put a pit in his stomach, and it didn’t even have to be Sangyeon, it just had to be anyone that wasn’t him. But how was he supposed to tell you everything? About why he left, about the things, the feelings, he wanted to leave behind without seeming insulting to you; and then how was he to address that those same issues never went away, that seeing you for the first time even after all that time stoked the same fire, if not more so.

But back then he was just a kid, and it felt stupid, all of it. The distance hurt like hell, but after a bit it became refreshing. Each year got easier to not come back; but he missed his friends, he missed his family, he missed you, but he didn’t miss the way he bit his tongue, the way he stowed his feelings, the way he’d dare not ruin the amazing friendship you had over what he called selfishness. He wanted you to be free without his burden, which ultimately started driving his choice to leave.

He never changed; he could still feel the tip of his tongue clamped between his teeth, still feel the churning in his stomach with the attempt to put his feelings away, the lump in his throat which felt like a swollen version of his heart, a hole in his chest which the alcohol wasn’t helping in the slightest.

“I think it’s about time we head home,” Hyunjae commented after a few moments of tense silence. You were trying to understand the emotions you were feeling via Hyunjae, the way he was feeling, the sudden tenseness of his body, the closed-off disposition. “I’ll walk you,” he added, a lulled whisper in your ear.

You both made your way to your feet, discarding your cups in the kitchen after bidding everyone goodnight and thanking Kevin for the hospitality. You all lived close, the same homes from the district which put you in close walking distance. Hyunjae offered his elbow to you the way he always did, and the both of you meandered rather slowly to your home where he could drop you off. You wrapped both hands around his bicep, a million thoughts running through both of your heads, putting you in seemingly different worlds than each other while walking right next to one another.  

Needless to say, the two of you arrived at your front porch far sooner than either of you were ready. Hyunjae took your hand to help you up the step onto your landing, but the lingering way he gazed at you let you know that he was feeling the same way; that for some reason you weren’t quite ready to leave now that you were really alone. But it was already late, had to have been past midnight, and lingering on your landing could look suspicious.

Still, you turned to look at him, not so much at his face, but at his throat, at the undone button of his black shirt, at the way his throat shifted as he swallowed hard. His thumbs were hooked in his pockets as he stood as attentive as he could muster, waiting for you like he always did. You, on the other hand, fiddled with the hem of your shirt as you thought of what to say, what to do, if it would be best to just say goodnight and be on your way, or if you had something more to say.

Your gaze finally landed on his face, looking over his features. He must have been able to feel your gaze, because slowly his eyes flittered up to meet yours, glimmering in the dim porch light. With you up on the landing, the two of you were closer to the same height—you smiled, remembering how much he’d matured since you last saw him.  It seemed like the only thing that could roll off your tongue was his name, so almost silently it did so once more. You watched his gaze shift between your eyes, his feet shuffled forward to bring himself closer to the landing. Slowly, your hands came up; an innate desire to put them against him had you placing them gently on his shoulders. His breath shuttered against your face, jaw tightening as your brow furrowed a bit.

He was so close to you, your arms were entirely folded at the elbow, you could practically feel the warmth radiate off him, his face had to be no further than a couple of inches now that his eyes were peering slightly down at you and still glimmered like the galaxy captive. It took a second for you to realize that his face was sinking closer to yours, that his head tentatively tilted just as his nose brushed against yours. You took a deep breath, fingers anticipatorily furling against his shoulders as his lips fleetingly brushed yours. He waited a moment for you to object, one of his hands freeing itself from his pocket to place tenderly against your hip while your breath was caught in your throat, but when you did not attempt to move away or verbally object, he leaned in further.

It took only a second for you to fall entirely into his grasp, feet shuffling forward just a tad as he slipped his hand around your back to put your body against his; your arms slid around his neck especially as he stepped up onto the landing, and guided you backward to gingerly press you up against your front door with a few readjustments. You couldn’t quite place the mix of flavors you were tasting, but it was clouding your better judgment—many factors were in play between the kiss, the way his fingers pressed into your lower back, the way he had you arching against him, the Sangyeon panic, the alcohol, the distance, which all made the experience surreal. But you couldn’t deny the way your chest was exploding, the way your nerves were all on end, the way it felt so right after so many years.

You almost sighed, the way his tongue flicked against your bottom lip before your subconscious was pinging on the Sangyeon panic, and your arms retreated from his neck to weakly push against his shoulders. He tugged away, the tender sounds of a broken kiss ringing in your ears like a train whistle before those same warm lips were pressing soft kisses against your jaw, and only after a successful few did you find any words to push from your throat.

“Maybe don’t,” you uttered, more as a sigh as your head tilted back to quietly hit your door, “my breakup is still fresh, and we still need to talk.”

Your voice was a whisper of the wind, but still enough for him to ease off, to pull back and press his forehead against yours after noticing your eyes were closed. His hands tugged your hips into his since your hands were still flittering somewhat across the nape of his neck. Your tongue darted out to flick across your lips, remnants of rum and coke lingered before he took a whole step away from you, and that meant the protective grasp of his hands against your hips was gone as well.

“I’m sorry,” you uttered, “I’m sure I’ve been sending you strong signals all night, and when you stepped in and… your safety and your scent and your touch and charm…”

“This is exactly why I didn’t want to come back,” he muttered under his breath, looking up at the cracking paint of your porch covering. He hoped it wasn’t loud enough for you to hear, but unfortunately, it was. You looked at him, queueing a couple of replies in your throat that never seemed to fit the situation and adequately explain how you felt at the same time. You waited only long enough for his gaze to cast back down to you, almost expecting you to say something, but you had twisted the knob to your door and disappeared into the darkness of your home without another word. Could you say it was the best decision? Perhaps not. But in that moment you feared that you would say something that would damage an already delicate situation. If you had just left it at the bit about the breakup and about needing to talk, he would have understood. Everything else just confirmed his fears about you; that you liked the idea of him.  He shook his head and turned to head home, ignoring the prying questions of his sister who was surprisingly still awake and, without turning a single light on, closed the door to his room and crawled into bed.

__

Hyunjae was quiet for subsequent days—too quiet, really, and under the prying and watchful eyes of his sister to look for anything to start a conversation about. Hyunjae was a brick wall. As stoic as anyone could be, almost emotionless, and that, in and of itself, was enough to break the ice about it.

“What’s turned you into a zombie?” she asked, closing the door behind her as she entered Hyunjae’s room. He was reading on the bed, but maybe he couldn’t even call it reading; it was more like his eyes were scanning the same ten sentences a hundred times, never once comprehending what any of it said only to start over from square one again. His brain was scattered, the was no arguing that. But while he thought that his scattered brain would provide him with at least some thought about how to handle the situation, there was no such luck for that either. He had become zombie-like between the lack of emotion and disregarding actions.

His eyes shifted over to her—he looked tired; dark circles around his somewhat reddened eyes, but maybe that was for a reason yet to be clear. He took a deep breath, closed his book, and turned to her.

“The same reason I left in the first place,” he replied, not anticipating that she would have an immediate response—she didn’t. She wasn’t confused, she had a pretty good idea why he left even though she never pressured him to say; he had to do what he had to do for himself and no one would stand in the way of that.

“Should I tell her you’re napping, then?” she finally said.

Those few words dropped on Hyunjae like a bomb. The gears ground in his head for a moment, trying to comprehend how incredibly dire the situation was seemingly suddenly. He blinked a couple of times.

“What?” he asked.

“Did I stutter? Do you want me to ask her to leave? She’s having tea with mom downstairs, I said I would come see if you were available since apparently you haven’t been answering your phone.”

He looked over at the device on his bed, remembering the decision he made right before he closed his eyes for the night to block your number. His heart simply couldn’t bear dealing with anything you had to say, if you did even dare attempt to contact him.

A deep sigh fell between his lips as he stared past his phone and at an undesignated imagined hole in the wall. He all but slapped his book down on his bed and dropped his face into his hands, running his fingers deep in his hair just to tug at it.

“Are you serious,” he growled. Was it not enough, what happened? Was it not clear enough that he wanted to just disappear back into the night like he had never shown back up in the first place?

“Whatever problem you’re having with her, you need to solve it before you leave again, if that’s what you decide to do. If that means closing that book, then do it; but leaving it open is only going to hurt more,” she advised, reaching over to take one of his hands after it fell slack at his side. He looked over at her, but he could tell by the look on her face that she was serious. Not closing the back cover left the wounds wide open and he had already experienced once just how painful that could be.

There was a knock on the door, followed by his mother’s voice, and before he even had time to object the door was being pushed open, and there you stood, looking like you’d slept as much if not less than himself.

Hyunjae let out a disappointed and frustrated sigh as he rolled his eyes away, his sister gave a displeased growl while you looked directly at him. Although Hyunjae’s sister harbored no ill will towards you, she cared immensely for Hyunjae which made the situation that much harder. She couldn’t stand to see him like this, but she also didn’t know the whole story, just that it was about you as so many things had been in the past. She stood and turned to Hyunjae for a moment.

“Do what’s best for you,” she reminded him, glanced at you, and side-stepped you to bring her mother away from the situation.

“Great,” Hyunjae growled sarcastically as he turned to sit on the side of his bed and meet your gaze to the best of his ability. Slowly you stepped in, closing the door behind you. The last thing you wanted was for this to turn into a blowout, but you knew things were rough between the two of you, and you could tell he was suffering just as much as you were about the entire thing.

“Hyunjae,” you greeted, not pleasantly nor firmly. He could see the quiver in your jaw just saying his name, but that didn’t stave off his fiery feelings in the slightest.

He muttered your name back, a greeting somewhat in return.

“I know you don’t want to talk to me—”

“Then why are you here?” he asked, almost barked.

You sighed, slinking against his door. Hyunjae tended to get rough when he was wounded, like a cornered dog who had no choice but to bite back.

“Because I gave you as much time as I could but it obviously can’t wait anymore,” you replied, trying to force confidence into your voice. You needed to stand your ground with him, even if you were never particularly good at doing so.

“You’re right, I don’t want to talk to you. Not only that, but I don’t think there’s anything to talk about anymore. So, sorry you came all the way here for nothing, but I don’t have anything left to offer you,” he snapped, standing from his bed and approached the door, and you, and reached out in an attempt to tug it open.

You pressed against it harder, forcing against his pull to keep the door closed. He scoffed and looked to your face containing the most determined look you could muster since you had arrived. You glared up at him and growled his name.

“You’re pissed at me, and you have every right to be. But we spent many years being the closest of friends, and whenever we had a spat, we always worked it out. And even if things are a bit rocky right now, and it looks like I’m not your friend, I’m at least here as someone who cares so deeply about you—in whatever way you want to interpret that—to try and work through this with you, the way he always have,” you almost pleaded, but with a conviction that made it sound more like a statement for the first time since you’d arrived.

“I know you’re hurting, and I know I’m the cause of that. But to think that I’m here for any other reason than to try and make it right…” you trailed off with the shake of your head, gaze trailing away from his for only a moment, “you know me better than that. And if I know anything about you, you left for a reason, so let’s start there.”

“What is this, freakin’ honesty hour?” he asked, taking a step away from the door, almost attempting to convince you that this was ridiculous, but your reply jarred him.

“Yes, it is, that’s the whole purpose of trying to solve something, being transparent.”

“You want me to be transparent?” he almost roared.

“I want us both to be transparent, Hyunjae,” you fired back, although quite a bit calmer than him.

He paced for a moment, trying to figure out how he was going to approach this—the best way didn’t matter to him, he just wanted to express his feelings at the expense of anyone else’s feelings, because everything to that point had been at the expense of his. You stayed pressed up against his room door, watching him pace, watching him think, watching the frustration build on his face until he finally got some words out.

“The other night,” he started, pausing his pacing to look at you, “when you just let me fall into a bear trap…” He laughed, but it wasn’t because it was funny—his brow was furrowed in disbelief as he looked at you, a hurt on his face you’d never seen before. “I left because I couldn’t take it anymore.”

You swallowed hard, having a good idea what he was talking about already, but you still wanted him to say it out loud—you still wanted to have a conversation.

“Couldn’t take what, Hyunjae?” you asked delicately.

“You,” he replied, jaw clenching for a moment, fists following before he took a deep breath himself. “The way we were. How… connected we were. How open and honest and upfront we were, how deep we were,” he explained, or tried.

“And the other night is related because?”

He bit his tongue, you could see it peek out from behind his teeth before he turned his face away from you, clenching his eyes before his hands found his dresser, holding him up in a sense as he leaned into it. A few deep and rickety breaths followed as he composed himself enough to say something.

“It confirmed the fears I struggled with, suffered with, that you only liked the idea of me. Confirmed the fears that you wanted me in theory, and how strained that made my ability to maintain a friendship with you. I left because it seemed easier to forget about the feelings when you weren’t right in my face. I left because I thought it would be easier to move on. You said the other day you sent me strong signals, and you did. They were strong signals; they were wrong signals—”

“They weren’t wrong,” you interrupted, “I was torn between respecting my relationship space with Sangyeon and being elated that you were back and willing to treat me like we’d never skipped a beat,” you tried to explain in return.

He spun to face you, tears already pushed off his face. His heart hurt unbelievably, fiery but in a negative way, squeezing in his chest as he formulated his reply.

“So you think it’s cool to just lead me on? To not only let me but encourage me to kiss you on your front porch and lean into it like you welcomed it, just to hit me with all that shit about my safety, my scent, my charm and in essentially the same breath tell me that I’ve crossed a line? I’ve come to terms with the fact that you’re just the one I won’t ever get over, but you don’t have to make it so damn hard for me the one time I do decide to come back!”

“Hyunjae—”

“Do not. Do not try to charm me with those pretty little eyes, with the sweet way you say my name—” he growled, unable to finish before you had something to say.

“I’m not!” you retaliated. “I am not trying to get out of what I did! I am not trying to discredit how you feel or play the victim in any way. I know my approach wasn’t great, and I will be the first to admit that. But if we could go back and redo the situation… if you hadn’t kissed me, I probably would have kissed you,” you expressed to him.

“I don’t like the idea of you, Hyunjae. I’ve always liked you. And when you left, it took me a few years to get in the game to try and move on… I got with Sangyeon because it felt, in the beginning, like he understood me. Like he empathized with my loss, which was you, and I had an aching, a pit that needed to be filled that I thought he could fill.  But that pit is shaped exactly like you, and I realized that nothing else will ever fit it properly…”

You tried so hard to maintain your resolve, but the way getting all of that off your chest made you feel in combination with the look on Hyunjae’s face, you weren’t sure how long you would last. You couldn’t tell if he thought you were lying or not.

“What a jerk I’ve been to you,” you continued, “This is why I get so mad about you saying stuff like how mean you’ve been to me; like you think I thought you left without a purpose. I didn’t know, exactly, your purpose at the time, but I knew it was one you needed for yourself. So, why would I think you were a jerk for that? When you didn’t reach out, I saw the signs like freeway billboards—”

“I loved you,” he interjected. “And I was so scared that if I had admitted that to you, that I would lose you, but I ended up losing you anyway because I was too weak to swallow the fact that I did love you. That I do love you. That those six years away did nothing to help me move on,” he replied, pouring it all out for you, finally saying what he needed to say for so many years and a weight lifted off his chest, but it didn’t stop the squeezing feeling.

“I got too worried trying to respect the relationship with a man who never respected me; who took advantage of me knowing I was vulnerable without you; and if I had come to that conclusion on the landing that night… Hyunjae, I may have not let you leave. It was like my favorite coffee on a cold day, like the sun on my skin in the late spring, like the spray of the water on the dock—nothing has ever felt more like home.”

Hyunjae let out a deep sigh, blinking back the tears that pushed at the outer corners of his eyes as he slipped to the floor. His gaze looked out but didn’t find anything in particular, clouded anyway. He took a moment to reflect on the way the hardwood panels felt underneath his fingers, the way breath filled his lungs, the way his eyes stung, the sound of you sliding down to the floor yourself against his room door.

There wasn’t much else that needed to be said, so the two of you sat across the floor from each other in relative silence for quite a few lingering moments. The both of you were trying to regulate your breathing, trying to quench the fire that burned deep down.

It took a moment, but he crawled across the floor of his room to sit up in the corner of the wall and the door and asked for your hand only to coax you over to him, between his legs to rest up against him as he settled his chin on your shoulder. From then, it was a matter of time and healing, and he wanted to spend the initial healing time with you in his arms in the quiet of his room as the both of you processed everything that was said.

All that could be heard throughout the room was perhaps gentle breathing, silently the continued refusal of tears that stung both your eyes. Hyunjae dug his face in the crook of your neck, even if you were turned away from him; he didn’t want you to see it. But even if you couldn’t see it, you could feel the way his rickety breath fell across your shoulder, the way he trembled against your back, the warmth of his tears against your skin and even though things were on the mend, that, in and of itself, stung like hell.

Hyunjae’s pain had always been your pain, and vice versa—his happiness, his burdens, his struggles, his successes and triumphs; they had always been shared because of your dynamic, and it was clear things weren’t about to change. It had always been a love the both of you were too afraid to admit because there was a very real chance it would drive you away from each other.

“I love you, Hyunjae…” you muttered. It was the only reassuring thing you hadn’t said.

His arms tightened around you, fingers digging deeper into the fabric of your shirt that furled in his grasp. There was a mumble into your skin—you didn’t hear him, but you had a decent idea what it consisted of.

It was contemptuous to even consider moving for a bit. Relishing each other’s presence seemed cathartic, to a point; it felt as though as you sat there with each other, after laying it all on the table, that the healing was somewhat fortified. As the time passed, your touches against each other were different, softer in a way, more calculated, and genuine. Millions of things were still running through each other’s minds—even though there was nothing left to say, you both were over thinkers to the core, so that occupied most of the silence between you. At least, until there was a knock on Hyunjae’s door. He hadn’t realized the time, or how much time had passed, but he helped you to your feet before tugging the door open to reveal his sister.

“We’re getting ready for dinner, you’re welcome to stay…” she hesitated, noting the look on both your faces. Your eyes were noticeably still red and swollen—you never had a quick recovery after crying, even if it was somewhat tame. Hyunjae was still pushing at his own tears, too.

“Thank you, but I should get going,” you replied, a sad smile on your face as you looked to Hyunjae who understood that not only would it be incredibly awkward, but that you both probably needed some time alone with your thoughts. He nodded encouragingly, agreeing with your conclusion before he began ushering you through his door. After following his sister down the stairs, you quietly greeted both of their parents, thanked them for the offer for dinner, and had Hyunjae show you out.

“I’ll walk you,” he asserted, but you quickly shook your head.

“Your dinner is hot, you should stay; it’s still light, I’ll be okay on my own,” you replied as you turned to face him, to look up into his somewhat swollen eyes, to catch the fleeting tremble of his lip as he looked back at you. Before he could nod in reluctant agreement, you reached out to take his hand and gently squeeze it. You used that hand to pull him closer to you, the half a step distance you needed to stand high on your toes to press a soft kiss against his cheek; it was sticky but you didn’t care. His eyes fell closed as you lingered there for a moment then you drifted back to the flats of your feet, gave his hand another squeeze, stepped off the landing of his house, and turned down the street. A few trickling moments passed before his sister collected him at the door, encouraging him back inside to try and eat something even if he wasn’t hungry. Surely, he would hear from you soon enough.

It was a weird type of limbo to be in, unknowing when it was appropriate to contact the other, and sheepishly waiting around for the other to do the dirty work. This inevitably led to another few days of silence, but that didn’t stop you from calling up Younghoon—your new closest friend since your falling out with Hyunjae—to ask for his advice, since he never seemed to give it unsolicited.

Nervously, you turned your iced coffee between your hands as you sat across the café table from him. Patiently, he continued to wait for you, never forcing a word out of you or a move of any kind. When you had called him up saying that you wanted to talk to him about Hyunjae, especially considering the look he gave you at Kevin’s party after Hyunjae had helped you out of a precarious situation, he was eager to meet with you—not because he had dirt or anything to spill, but because he knew, somewhere in there, you agonized over Hyunjae; sometimes in unhealthy ways. You had always been friends with Younghoon, so he was the natural next best to Hyunjae; expressly since he’d watched your friendship at its peak and watched the way it splintered into nothing—admittedly, he was the only one with your actual best interest in mind, particularly when you concluded that Hyunjae’s absence crushed you in ways you couldn’t explain initially.

“Sorry,” you muttered, a rickety diffident to your voice with another shaky exhale.

“I’m in no rush, you know I’m here for you,” he replied. “Why don’t we start with this; you mumbled hurriedly over the phone about how things had been solved, and then unsolved,” he prompted, giving you somewhere to jump off from since it appeared you were having a hard time finding somewhere to start.

A tough swallow broke down your throat as you thought about the instance in which he reached for your arm and asked if you were okay, your hand laced with Hyunjae’s.

“About that—he caught Sangyeon being… well, Sangyeon,” you answered. Part of you figured Younghoon would be offended you didn’t tell him about the incident with Sangyeon, and you honestly weren’t even positive he’d been seen by Younghoon or Kevin for that matter.

Younghoon’s eyes perked a little bit; the situation was a little different now that he knew you had been in Sangyeon’s clutches only to be rescued by Hyunjae. It seemed right, in all fairness.

“We’d fought a couple of days before—not really a fight, a small disagreement, and weren’t on the best of terms. It was a weird situation that went from bad to good to bad all in one evening…” You had to trail off, thinking about the events as they replayed in your mind. But it was salvaged now, right? You blew off your steam with each other and found a ground with equal footing, but things were still awkward.

“The point is, I’m here because we finally had a talk, and while it wasn’t really talking and more like yelling at each other and then breaking down into mutually pathetic messes, I came to ask you what you think is the best way to approach him now. We haven’t talked in a couple of days, I think we’re both kind of hinging on the other being the first to reach out for contact,” you explained.

Younghoon sat in contemplation for a moment. There was no correct answer to your question, and he couldn’t even say there was one approach that was better than the other. Even something as simple as texting him to ask how he was doing could be enough to open the door, so he didn’t take long to come up with that to say to you.

“I suppose you think it’s weird to just text him to ask how he is.” Apparently, the situation was a little more complicated in your eyes than he initially thought.

“I had six years to do that,” you replied, your plastic cup crinkling under the pressure of your fingers furling against it.

“Of course,” he answered, understanding the situation a little better. “To be completely honest with you, you both have overcome a lot already, if you consider. Between the frontages, the distance, the coming back together, and all the drama that came with all that, you both have managed to sort something positive out, right? I’m sure there’s nothing you could say that would have a negative impact short of telling him you wish he’d leave again, and I doubt you’re going to say that.”

A slight laugh escaped from your throat, but it could have been mistaken as a scoff just as much. It was ridiculous for Younghoon to even suggest that, because he was completely right—only if you became possessed would you consider saying that to him.

“I know it feels like a delicate situation, but I’m positive it’s far less delicate than screaming at him in the middle of his bedroom about how dumb you both were being after re-shattering his still splintered heart.”

“Ouch,” you responded, even if it was true, and it was never like Younghoon to pull punches when you needed to hear something. And he had always known of Hyunjae’s feelings for you, so that didn’t make this conversation any less brutal.

“Also, I’m not saying it will be instantaneous, but I’m also certain that deep in there he’s elated to have you back, too, and in the state he’d battled with himself about for some time. You might be best off asking to meet on neutral turf so there’s no awkward looming—I know how nosey Hyunjae’s sister can be,” Younghoon laughed and took a swig of his coffee, relaxing back into his chair which, inevitable, had you relaxing back into yours, letting his words sink in as you picked up your phone to type a message to Hyunjae about meeting up the next day.

--

The late evening sun glimmered off the water, stretching left and right as far as you could see. The soft ripples of the water catching the light to produce a river of diamonds while your legs hung off the edge of the dock. Your phone was tucked deep in your pocket, an unread message about Hyunjae being on his way to meet you sat in your notifications bar. There was an unexplainable tightening in your chest, but maybe it was just because it was the first time you were getting to see him after the tipping point.  An unreasonable voice called from the back of your mind to back out; that it had already been a rough time with him, maybe it was better to just let it go—a voice you had to really try to push away.  

Another rigid breath—how many had come in the last few days, you would have a hard time counting—as you steeled your nerves, clutching the edge of the dock as you tried to wait patiently, at least until a small cup jingled with ice from the side of your face. Hesitantly, you looked over and slowly followed the arm up to a familiar face. He smiled delicately, his lips barely tugging at the corners to produce it, but it was detectable by your trained eyes.

“Hi,” he almost whispered as you faltered a bit in taking the flavored iced tea from him; it was a little late in the evening to be having coffee—not that it had ever stopped you in the past. He took a seat next to you, letting his legs dangle over the edge of the dock next to yours. To say that he was sitting comfortably close was an understatement; his hip was effectively pressed up next to yours, just like old times, but there was a new sense of comfort that washed over you from the fact, even if the nerves were bundling in your throat.

“Hi,” you choked back, eyes never breaking their contact with his being even when he settled. “I’m going to apologize in advance if this is extremely awkward.”

“Funny, I was just about to say the same thing to you,” he laughed, looking out over the water to notice the same sea of diamonds you’d been entertaining yourself with since you took a place on the dock yourself. “Can’t say I’ve been through this before, so it’s definitely new and rocky terrain.”

“You seem jovial, nonetheless,” you replied.

“One of us has to try to keep a good spirit,” he joked, elbowing you in the side, reminding you that you weren’t exactly the mood-maker of your duo, before he took a swig of his tea. You followed suit, uttering your gratitude, before forcing a bit of confidence into your bones. All of the times you’d sat on the dock with him in the past in this very setting came rushing back to your immediate memory, and with it, all the times you’d begged to loop your arm around his. So, with a bit of hesitancy, you moved your tea to your hand opposite of him and swiftly stuck your hand under the crevice between his arm and torso to wrap your hand around his bicep, additionally leaning your head against his shoulder to avoid the imminent gaze that would no doubt scout your embarrassed features in half a second flat. Hyunjae did, in fact, turn to look, a more noticeable smile tugging at his face as he pulled that arm tighter to his body, acknowledging your courageous display of affection, and gave you the satisfaction of relishing it without some signature sassy remark from him as he leaned his head against yours.

The way you clenched your hand against his bicep was indicative of looking for something to say, scrapping any ideas you had in your head a handful of times. He knew you weren’t the best with words, especially after having a fight—that’s what he’d call it, because it kind of was—but that didn’t stop him from waiting for you to say anything. Instead, you opted to nudge your head up a little bit, wedging it between his head and shoulder a little further before a somewhat exasperated noise slipped from between your lips.

Hyunjae discarded his tea gently against the finished dock, turning his full attention to you. His slender fingers gently prodded against your jaw, prompting you to lift your head from his shoulder. It was always like him to take control of the situation, and to be completely honest, you had banked on that for this entire meeting. You were pleased to look at him per his will, tilting your chin up so that his face could slip by yours and press a lingering kiss against your cheek, the way you had to his at the end of your last meeting. Perhaps the most important meeting.

Again, you wanted to speak with nothing really to say. Your eyes fluttered at the feel of his supple lips against your cheek and remained closed when his delicate fingers flittered away from your jaw and his hand cupped against the back of your neck, craning up only slightly to place another kiss against your forehead, and another against your cheek—you had to chuckle, nervously nipping at your bottom lip as you tried to read his intentions.

“Just let me marinate in the fact that I have dreamed about this for eight years, and I’m finally here,” he mumbled against your skin, knowing that you were laughing at him.

“I’m laughing at you because you keep missing,” you replied, eyes fluttering open to meet his as he pulled back. The gentle smiles fell from both your faces as your gaze teetered between each other’s eyes, noting their glimmer, their depth, the absolutely homey look you gave each other. Your breaths mingled just a few inches from each other between the two of you before you noted the way his tongue flicked out to moisten his lips—in nervousness or preparation, you couldn’t tell. When he noticed the way your eyes fell past his nose, he couldn’t help but speak up.

“Is that so?” he asked nearly inaudibly.

“As a matter of fact…” you trailed off, anticipating the way one of his hands reached across you to help you settle your tea against the dock so you could place that hand wherever you’d like as his mouth descended on yours, delicately eclipsing yours in a softly meshed kiss that felt worlds different from the one on the landing of your home after Kevin’s party. It felt like a plug had been pulled, and all the tension that culminated between the two of you was swirling away into the abyss as you melted into his touch, gingerly cupping your cheek until his lips broke away. A silent protest came in the form of an exasperated exhale, that shy smile returning to your lips noting he hadn’t pulled far enough away to be out of reach, so you took it upon yourself to lean in for another quick peck.

“Somewhere deep in the back of my mind,” he began, waiting for a moment for your eyes to open so he could look into them once more, “I had always hoped I would get to kiss you on this very dock with the sun going down and glimmering against the water, exactly the way it is.”

You placed your hand down over his, which was pinning you somewhat against the dock as he rotated to face you. The look on your face was enough, he didn’t really need a reply; everything that needed to be said had already been said. Even still, you had something for him.

“Me, too,” you replied, leaning up to nuzzle your nose against his for just a moment, “so, I’m glad you came back to figure it out. I needed you more than anything.”

Hyunjae chuckled; the thoughts he had been battling with for so long about why he was returning all suddenly made sense, like a message in the stars, a secret nudge from the universe telling him there would be something special about him coming back, pushing through the dread he had cut with your hometown. He remembered letting it marinade for a week after the idea first crossed his mind. Maybe he was feeling homesick, admittedly he missed his parents and his sister, but he could tell there was something more.

“Something in the vast infinity delivered your call,” he whispered to you.

“I owe whatever mystical message that led you back to me a great debt.”

“Why don’t you just say you missed me?” he teased.

“The way I missed you is beyond anything I could string together with words, Hyunjae,” you replied, pushing him back a little bit to put him physically on the defensive for only a second before he took the opportunity to pull you across his lap so he could have you as close as possible.

“And showing you feels a little more vulnerable; maybe we needed that all along, instead of putting on that tough face for each other,” you told him, your smile saying something different as your hand gingerly stroked through the tresses of hair on the back of his neck, tilting his head to look at you before your foreheads met, eyes fluttered closed once more.

A moment relishing this closeness was much needed and long-awaited.  

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[svtshine]

Neighbor next door

pairing: Wonwoo x reader 

genre: angst to fluff, Neighbors!au, nonidol!Au

type: oneshot

summary: Falling in love with your neighbour best friend

You heaved the heavy box filled with stuff back at your apartment and entered the apartment building yet again. Probably for the 6th time now. You wiped off the sweat that was forming near your forehead and making the hair stick to your face. Even with the aircon from the lift system blasting you, you were still feeling extremely hot and stuffy.

It was an extremely hot day however, you were still very excited to move into your new apartment and meet your new neighbors. You were told from the nice old landlady that the people here were of different variations. Some were working, students like you or parents with newborns or children. It was a way better environment as compared to your old apartment.

At the old district there was hardly any conversations or interactions between you and your neighbors. You clearly remembered the only interaction you had with one of the neighbors, a floor above you, to keep it down. Even though you weren't making any noise. He was a grumpy looking elderly, and he looked at you with such a aggressive look.

You looked at him strangely but apologized anyhow, wanting so badly to return to the book you were then reading. It was getting to the very best part where the charismatic male character was going to kiss the protagonist and confess to her under the mistletoe, on a cold yet beautiful winter night. 

You kicked your front door with one hand balancing on the box and the other supporting the weight of the door. You placed the box on the floor where it remained with many other cardboard boxes filled completely with all your belongings.

You sighed out and proceeded to tie your hair up into a messy bun to keep it from sticking onto your face. i just have two more boxes, then i can start unboxing....god there is so much to do, you thought to yourself as you sat on the end of the sofa, taking a short break before leaving for those two boxes again.

Yes it was definitely tiring, but you still smiled to yourself as you thought about the new encounters and relationships that might form in this new building. You took a sip of your opened can of soda that was still cool and sighed out in satisfaction, as the cool liquid helped cool you down for a second and satisfy your thirst. 

You smiled brightly and greeted the neighbors that you came across while moving the boxes. They were all very friendly and open in welcoming you, you made note to bake them some of your special cookies later on to thank them. 

Wonwoo was just returning from the nearby convenience store, sucking on a cold soda-flavored ice popsicle. Under the sweltering heat and bright sun, this was what he needed. He was nearing the apartment building when he saw you. He didn't recognize you at all, and he was sure he recalled everyone’s faces. You were struggling with a heavier box, and he remembered the landlady coming over previously with a box of brownies and a notice that someone was going to move in to the apartment next to his.

“Wonwoo dear, someone is moving next door, isn’t that exciting” she said smiling brightly 

“Really?”

“She looks really gorgeous dear, around your age, Slightly younger i believe. She is moving in next month so do welcome her warmly, ya hear me” 

“Yes grandma” Everyone had the habit of calling the warm soul, grandma. She definitely did treat everyone like family, no one dared to mess with her either.

Grandma was watching Wonwoo munch on the delicious brownies and spoke up, “You know maybe you should show her around, get a little closer huh” she smirked deviously. 

Wonwoo only took a sip of his milk, “Grandma this isn’t some fictional romance novel” he replied nonchalantly. 

“You’d never know my dearest” 

His flashback ended and he had noticed that you were still struggling with the heavy box and next to it was a smaller one. He swiftly walked towards to you and took the box from your hands with ease, “here let me help, I’m wonwoo. You must be the new tenant. floor 7, unit 11? i live next door, unit 12″ he spoke up.

it was only then you realised there was a handsome charming man holding onto your box and literally speaking to you, while you stared at him in a slight daze. Holy macaroni, his face is god-like and his voice? come to mama. You continued staring at him, mouth slightly open until he waved his hand infront of you and pulled you out of your imagination. You got flustered at the fact that you were literally swooning over a man you just met, your neighbor for god sakes and in front of him. Get it together Y/n. 

“Hey, i’m Y/n nice to meet you Wonwoo” you stretched out your hand to shake his. Wonwoo placed the box on the ground and shook your hand gently with a warm smile. Grandma was right when she called you gorgeous. Wearing a tank top, pajama shorts, a messy bun and slippers, you still looked amazing. 

You lifted the small box, “Thanks so much for offering to help, these are my last few boxes and i can finally start unpacking” you looked so relieved that wonwoo chuckled. “No worries, we live beside each other so it would be convenient too” He grabbed the heavy box and walked beside you towards the elevator. The two of you starting a simple conversation.

“I can’t believe we’re gonna be neighbors. Not saying i would hate it, i just kinda pictured the next door neighbor to be someone older” You wondered out loud.

“Grandma did say you were around my age, but i’m glad that you’re friendly. You’ll definitely fit right in” Wonwoo smiled at you. “she also told me that you were around my age, are you attending college?” He asked curiously, looking down at you since you were shorter than him. 

“Yeah, i’m attending the college a few minutes walk from here. Psychology course..you?”

“nice, i’m attending the same school but taking business.”

Your stomach growled, you just remembered you haven’t eaten breakfast at all. Wonwoo laughed out loud and you pouted. “Why don’t i help you unpack and get some takeout so that we can share. It’ll help you save time” He suggested. You felt very touched by his kind gesture, “If you don’t mind, it’ll really help, i’ll pay for the takeout.”

The two of you unpacked and continued getting to know each other. It simply clicked between the two of you. There wasn’t any sign of awkwardness, and you never felt uncomfortable at all around him. Wonwoo made you feel at home. talking to him felt like you were reuniting with a friend from long ago.

Wonwoo held up a book from one of your boxes, “Holy shit, i’ve been trying to find this book for ages” you looked up from folding your clothes, “That is one of my favourite books, good eye. i had to queue hours to get that, but at least with the author’s signature as well” you winked at the end at him. His eyes widened and flipped to the first page where in deed, the bold yet elegant signature of the author lay. “i could lend it to you, as a thanks for helping me as well.”

Wonwoo smiled so brightly you were going to faint he looked like a kid who had just received a kitten for his birthday.

From then on, the two of you became the best of friends. Meeting earlier in the mornings to eat breakfast together before morning classes, walking to school together and even eating lunch together most of the times. Wonwoo introduced you to his big group of 13 friends, and not gonna lie when you first met them, you were really intimidated. Most of them were almost a head taller than you and you felt so small standing next to them. However, they welcomed you with open arms and you loved spending time with them and wonwoo.

Movie nights became a weekly thing after the both of you completed all the dued assignments. You would place you leg on his lap and the both of you would indulge in unhealthy snacks and sodas the whole night before falling asleep together.

Doing laundry together, studying at the library together and buying groceries together. it was normal to see the both of you together. There was never an awkward moment between the two of you. For the first time in your life, you trusted a friend that much in such a short time, it did kind of scare you at how fast you trusted this man but well wonwoo had never done anything to make you doubt him. In fact, he has been doing the opposite. Whenever you feel down about missing your parents or a bad test grade, wonwoo would hug you tight and wipe away your tears. He would do anything to make you happy like telling you about the dumb things his friends had done this week and afterwards tuck you in, sleeping on the couch just to be sure you were okay.

You entrusted him with a spare key in case of emergencies. The first time you realised what you felt for him was probably not entirely platonic was when you returned from your part time job one night. You were exhausted, it was a busy night at the restaurant and your manager had you running table to table taking orders and serving dishes. You wanted so badly to just collapse and your bed and sleep till tomorrow noon. You lazily unlocked your door and threw your bag on the floor, bending down to collect your shoes when you realised there was already someone inside your apartment. You recognised the back of Wonwoo’s head, his soft fluffy hair sitting on it giving him a nice look. Wonwoo heard some rustling and turned to find you finally home, “hey y/n welcome home, how’s work?” You organised your shoe and wonwoo came over to give you a squeeze. You felt his warmth and it felt so good to come back and wrap you arms around hi—.

your eyes opened in shock. You realised that with wonwoo, you were always happy. He made you feel at home, just by being next to you. He was your rock, and you looked forward seeing him everyday. Seeing him laying on your couch, a book in his hands when you reached home, immediately made you feel at ease and less tired. It was so natural, seeing him in your apartment, waiting for you to come home to him was normal.

oh my god. i’m falling in love with Jeon Wonwoo

After you started realising your romantic feelings for Wonwoo, you started being more cautious and aware of his behaviours. You would get flustered when your hand accidentally brushes against his when the both of you are walking. When he hugs you, you found is hard to let him go. You realised the sparkles in his eyes whenever he smiled and how much you enjoyed his laughter, never wanting it to stop.

The both of you would continue doing the stuff you’ve originally been doing. Baking together for the neighbours and grandma or going for walks in the park together. Only until one day, Wonwoo told you

“Y/n i’m so excited, i’m going to go on a date” You felt your smile falter, your heart breaking into tiny pieces. All hoped of “maybe he might feel the same way as i am” were thrown out of your window. You dug your fingernails harshly into your skin and you forced yourself to smile again

“hey that’s great, who is she?”

“Min jun, she’s in business as well. Super talented and smart and she’s really pretty too”

tears were starting to form, and you uncomfortably looked down at your lap, “That’s great, when are you guys going out?”

“Tomorrow, 6pm. I’m gonna bring her to that fancy restaurant Minghao recommended me.” Wonwoo looked so excited, it broke your heart even more.

“but won its movie night tomorrow” you said softly. “Don’t worry i’ll get back in time, just maybe a little late” eyes focused on his clothes. He picked out a button down and showed it to you, “Hey do you think this looks like date material”

“yeah” you mumbled. playing with your fingers, trying to distract yourself from breaking down infront of wonwoo. That night you left his apartment earlier than usual, telling him you still had some assignments to complete. If assignments meant crying the whole night.

the next day, you didn’t see wonwoo that much since you had more classes than usual. You were surprised you were still able to pull through them. Your doorbell rang and you opened it to see Wonwoo.

He was dressed nice in the same button down and jeans. His wrist adorned an elegant watch and his hair was styled nicely. he smelled of fresh shave. Your heart was pounding in your chest at how handsome he looked. “Wish me luck Y/n, i’m going to pick her up now” he smiled, showing how excited he was.

“have a great time Won” You said softly, knowing you wouldn’t have a great time knowing the person you love was going to meet someone else. Wonwoo waved goodbye to you and you closed the door. Sliding down the cool wooden surface and onto the ground, bringing your knees together and bawling your eyes out.

It was about 1 am, you sat on the couch waiting for Wonwoo to return for movie night. this heavy feeling of regret on your chest. You wanted to tell him about your feelings, at least let him know how deeply you felt for him. you knew you couldn’t pretend how much it didn’t affect you that he didn’t feel the same way about you.

The doorknob jingled and you realized it was wonwoo unlocking the door. You stood up and cleaned your sweaty nervous palms on your pajamas. Wonwoo opened the door and was shocked to see you still awake and waiting for him, snacks laid out on the coffee table and tv switched on to the netflix channel. “Y/n i wanted to check if you gone to bed already. I’m so sorry, we had such a good time i lost track of it and i walked her home”

Your heart once again broke at the fact that he had a great time. Of course you wanted him to find a nice girl, but it hurt you so much knowing it wasn’t you. “Wonwoo it’s fine...i need to tell you something and it’s really serious” Wonwoo rushed to you and the both of you sat on the couch. “look won, i really treasure our friendship but i just have to get it off of my chest. i-i love you, but more than a friend loves her bestfriend.” The hand that wonwoo used to hold your hand slowly retracted from yours.

“i know you don’t feel the same way” you said, your voice slightly breaking because your tears started dropping freely. “But you found someone, Min jun, who is much better than me anyways. Treasure her okay? i just want you to be happy and if you’re the happiest with her, then she is the road to go” Wonwoo instinctively raised his hand to wipe away your tears, but he brought it back down at the last second. “Y-y/n i’m so sorry, but i-i just don’t feel the same as you do. i really wished that i did” he looked down at his lap

You sighed out, “It’s fine wonwoo, it’s not your fault either, i just want to lay down now so goodnight. See you later Alligator”

“Goodbye crocodile” Wonwoo mumbled.

You snuggled closer into your blankets as you heard wonwoo leave the apartment and let the tears flow freely. 

You know what hurts the most? Loving someone who didn’t love you back.

Wonwoo didn’t sleep that night. you were on his mind the whole time. Guilt spreading his entire body as he could still remember the way you looked when you confessed your feelings to him. The way he wanted to hold you so tight then and chase all your problems away. He reached out his hand to wipe away your tears without even thinking but backed away in the end. 

He raised his hand in front of his face and stared at it. he knew he didn’t think of you as anything else but a friend.....right? He recalled all the memories he shared with you, food fights when the both of you woke up at 3 in the morning and had the terrible idea to bake cookies right then. The way your eyes lit up as you stared at the fishes in the sea aquarium. How bright your smile was when he brought you to a cat cafe. Oh god he loved your smi--

Wait no. He thought, i like Min jun, yeah the girl i’m going out with. Right?

He didn’t see you around that much anymore. You didn’t invite him in for breakfast. You walked to college on your own and you ate lunch that you have already prepared yourself. Wonwoo’s heart broke knowing you were purposefully avoiding him, trying to get over him. He himself spent countless of nights trying to get you out of his mind. But his mind always wandered back to you, have you been eating properly? Taking enough rests? or overworking yet again. he hasn’t been taking care of himself. Meals were half eaten, his eyes were dull and he hardly smiled anymore. he just wanted to see you again 

your smile, your eyes, your gorgeous face, your kind heart. 

his head kept convincing himself, Min jun, Min jun, Min jun.

but his heart chanted, Y/n, Y/n, Y/n.

Glasses clinked together, waiters moving around swiftly. Under dim lighting, Wonwoo stared at his date, Seo min. Seo min was talking about her new designer bag that she bought. Wonwoo zoned out of the conversation tapping his fingernails on the table, he switched his phone on from under the table and stared at the screensaver. It was a selfie of you and Wonwoo. 

Seo min clicked her fingers to gain wonwoo’s attention. “Hey you okay? you seem distracted” 

Wonwoo rubbed his face and flashed her a fake smile, “erm yeah i’m sorry, what were you saying?”. she continued droning on and Wonwoo had to put in so much focus just to hear what she was saying. He realised how similar the both of you looked. H/c hair, same hair length, height. But she wasn’t you. She didn’t want to get know Wonwoo, she didn’t care to ask if he was taking care of himself. 

oh god, i’m in love with Y/n, wonwoo realised

“S-Seo min, i-i need to go, i’m sorry. and i can’t see you anymore. Here is the money for this meal. i have to go” before Seo min could even say anything, Wonwoo was running out of the restaurant. 

Wonwoo ran like he never ran before, every breath came out as a light smoke as he ran through the cold wintery streets towards the apartment building. He climbed up the stairs as he was too impatient. 

Wonwoo impatiently knocked on your door, panting heavily from running and climbing so far. He waited for you to open the door and brushed through his hair. 

The multiple knocks on your door made you put down your book and hot chocolate. “I’m coming!” you said, wondering who was visiting you at this hour. You opened the door and was shocked when you saw Wonwoo panting like he just ran miles. 

“Won-” wonwoo stopped you by placing his lips on yours, slowly snaking his arms around your waist and pulling you impossibly closer. You were shocked for a second, but hesitantly wrapped your arms around his neck and deepened the kiss. You broke the kiss first, leaning away and placing your hands on his face waiting for him to talk

“Y/n, these few week has been misery. As cliche as it sounds, it wasn’t the same without you. I missed you so much, your smile, your laughter, everything. Cooking with you, studying with you and even doing laundry together” Wonwoo said voice slightly quivering as all his emotions poured out for you. “i realised as much as i was attracted to Min Jun, my heart belonged to you. I love you, and i didn’t see it before but i really do. I hope that you’ll consider me again and i’ll really like to bring you out” he finished

You gave him a small peck on the lips, “of course Wonwoo.” He gave you the brightest smile, knowing he has you back in his life and that you love him as well, made him the happiest man alive

He wrapped his arms below your knees and carried you into your apartment and onto your bed. The two of you kay and cuddled for a while. Talking about the events that happened when the two of you weren’t talking.

With you, Wonwoo felt like himself. In contrast to how he felt when he was with Min jun. That night he kissed you goodnight and had the best sleep in a few weeks.

Wonwoo has been bringing you on dates for a couple of weeks now, but he hasn’t officially asked you to be his girlfriend. Regular activities such as having breakfast together and spending time together resumed.

On christmas morning, you woke up earlier to make pancakes for the two of you. A pair of arms wrapped around you from behind, you let out a small yelp and Wonwoo’s deep chuckle made your hair on the back of your neck rise.

You turned around and gave him a kiss, “Good morning won.”

“Good morning baby”

You raised your head to realised the mistletoe that you hung were above you guys.

“look won” pointing to the mistletoe, “looks like i get another kiss”

Wonwoo looked up as well, “Well darling, i have one question. Would you like a kiss from won? or a kiss from your boyfriend Won?” he said bringing you closer. “because i would definitely love to kiss my girlfriend Y/n, not just Y/n.”

you can’t believe he was asking you to be his girlfriend, and on christmas morning under the mistletoe. It was a perfect moment. Your hand wrapped against your mouth in disbelief as wonwoo continued staring at you. You finally nodded frantically and Wonwoo’s face erupted into a big smile

He brought you in for a kiss. A kiss under the mistletoe, from your boyfriend next door.

Masterlist

#seventeen #svt #boyfriend #scenario #fluff #wonwoo #Jeon wonwoo #Wonwoo fluff #wonwoo boyfriend #neighbours #wonwoo angst #angst to fluff

[wallwriterstuff]

Dear Sister Part 1 ||Alec Volturi x Female Reader||

A request from @tiger-khans-blog

Part 2 can be found here

Request: Hey there I am really amused by your style of writing stories.Can I ask you another request for Alec Volturi? The thing is Demetri's younger younger Sister the reader fled from her family.As they had the tradition to get the girls married in a early age.And the reader is a Creator gifted Vampire.The Volturi gets to her.She is asked to join them.She recognizes Demetri immediately.She goes and hugs him.Demetri recognizes her.And she finds out that Alec and her mate bond.That's why she decides to torment Alec.So that he doesn't want her.But everything goes opposite.Alec falls for her head to heels.Then her Casanova image gets revealed that she is no less than her brother. Alec tries to convince her to give him a chance.Then Alec tries all the ways to make her fall in love with him too. Then she lastly agrees.Demetri gets against of this relationship.Then he tries to make them separated.But he becomes unsuccessful. As Jane is his mate.

Jane and Alec are aged up in this fic to 18.

Words: 4593 Warnings: Some swearing, sexual references, angst 

The report had come from a nomad they had spared in South Africa once and Aro had immediately been intrigued. Alec couldn’t deny he was curious (for he was always curious about a great many things and Aro had given him the time to explore them all to his heart’s desire) and he had found himself in quiet contemplation ever since their mission had been revealed. He had never heard of or read about a gift quite like hers, nothing in history had even come close to it.

“You are quieter than usual brother.” Jane broke the silence between them as she artfully finished dragging the pen across her eyelid, surrounding crimson red orbs with black ink. Alec glanced back at her from his place on the windowsill. In truth he had been ready before his sister even set foot in his room, and he knew full well she had only come because she wanted to know what was going on inside his head. She didn’t share his curiosity about the world but she was always intrigued by his inner-most thoughts.

“There are few people in the world who we haven’t been able to take on, but I wonder if this one might be too much.” He confessed finally, his brows furrowing. Jane sniffed, colouring in the sharp flick at the edge of her eye.

“Too much for us? You forget our reputation brother.” She blinked a few times, turning her head side to side before flashing her reflection a wan smile. The little liquid pen clattered into the silver case she kept her makeup in and she reached for a scrunchie next to tie her hair back with.

“I’m well aware of our reputation, I helped create it after all, but we’ve never faced anyone like her.” he persisted, his frown deepening. The nomad was a skittish little bugger and hadn’t really spent all that long talking, too busy stuttering over his sentences with his eager to please attitude, so only Aro had seen through his eyes to experience what he had seen. He had been excited by the nomad’s thoughts, almost jumping up and down with pure joy and wonder. A creator of things is how he had described her, and Alec had been left plagued with questions ever since. Creator of things? What sorts of things? Did she craft elements? Weather? Actual objects? What about people? Could she create people? What were the limits of such a gift? More importantly, who was she?

Gifts were based on human traits, ones felt so strongly that to amplify them was to make them physical. For her gift to be so unique, so powerful…

“Alec!” Jane drew his attention away from the landscape beyond his window once more. Her expression was stony.

“Don’t look at me like that.” He warned.

“Get your head in the game then.” Jane said firmly. Alec hadn’t even noticed Demetri enter his room but he spotted the tracker’s raised eyebrows now. He refused to say anything, feeling the familiar bitterness sink into his chest as Jane turned to Demetri, letting him wrap her cloak around her shoulders with a flourish. He fastened it with a smile, staring down at her adoringly before his lips met her forehead, then the tip of her nose, and finally –

“If you’re done defiling my sister in front of me.” Alec scowled. He still wasn’t used to their relationship. It had to have been the slowest burn romance in history. Jane had hated Demetri and Demetri had shown no interest in her, and then suddenly they were all over each other and the pair needed one another like fire needed oxygen. Alec wasn’t sure where it had come from, but he knew he sure as hell didn’t like it.

“I have not even gotten to the defiling part, but if you would like to witness what it really means to defile someone I suggest turning off your laptop and coming to our room later.” Demetri grinned. Alec’s growl was deadly, but Jane had already shot her mate a warning look that made his smile turn sheepish. Alec didn’t give him a chance to apologize.

“Let’s just go. You’re still useful to me right now, keep it that way.” The unspoken threat lingered between them as Demetri curled his fingers around Jane’s, head bobbing in a nod and his smile vanishing as he reached for the catalogue of tenors in his repertoire, searching for the right one to grasp and follow.

“Play nicely you pair, I will not be mediating again, do I make myself clear?” Jane scolded. Alec felt the disadvantage he was at, it was visible by the way she had twisted her fingers through Demetri’s, stuck to his side like a barnacle to the underside of a ship. He tried not to sneer when he agreed but the pout on his face said it all.

“I have her, let’s grab Felix and go.” Demetri said, his voice somewhat robotic with the intensity of his focus. Alec’s eyes lingered on the way his fingers briefly squeezed Jane’s before their palms split, hands dropping back to their respective sides. It had taken a long time for Alec to admit the bitterness he felt stemmed less from the fact it was Demetri that his sister had ended up mated to, and more because if he was brutally honest, Alec was actually a little envious Jane had found someone other than him. He remained quiet though, and had resolved that Jane would never find out about that; nobody with eyes would ever deny the twins loved one another deeply, but the kind of love and intimacy a mate provided was far different from the sort of familial love they shared.

That was a gap Jane could not full.

On edge as he was Alec remained utterly silent as he ran behind the couple, his expression set in a deep frown and ears ignorant to Felix’s usual round of teasing. Jane didn’t try to engage him in conversation either, recognising his silence as a desire to remain locked in his head for a little while – when it became unhealthy she’d intervene but for now she left him with his thoughts. He almost slammed into her when Demetri suddenly came to a halt, head twisting North-West.

“What the hell?” he demanded, hands on Jane’s shoulders as both a sign of apology and to keep his momentum from ploughing her down. Demetri looked befuddled, squinting at the horizon.

“The tenor I was following just…changed location.” He answered.

“Changed location? Are you sure you’re not losing your edge?” Felix chuckled. Demetri was usually the one that would jump on the band wagon when a round of teasing began, but the quickest way to frustrate him was to question his abilities. When he rounded on his best friend Felix immediately held both hands up with his usual shit-eating grin.

“Demetri. Talk to us.” Jane requested calmly. Her hand on his shoulder made the muscles unfurl, and though he remained tense he wasn’t ready to spring anymore.

“I do not honestly know what to tell you,” he admitted, “I was following the tenor, I held it as firmly as you hold my arm now and it just…dropped. It completely disappeared for the briefest moment, and when it returned it was in the complete opposite direction.” He looked incredibly troubled by the whole affair and Jane rubbed his shoulder soothingly.

“Then we follow it in the new direction. You are the best we have Demetri, we trust you to be right.” She assured him. Alec’s nose wrinkled, his brain immediately throwing up more questions than he could answer. It wasn’t like Demetri to just lose a tenor, his gift was far too potent for that and once he had grasped the tenor he wanted to follow, he held onto it with the tenacity of a bulldog to a fresh cut steak. What could move so quickly it would confuse even Demetri? There was no way it was physically possibly to move that fast, not to switch directions so drastically and change locations so smoothly. So how had she managed to move so fast? Was it possible –

“No!” Demetri snarled, his leg extended to take a step before his head snapped in the opposite direction once more.

“It moved again?” Felix asked, surprised now and far more alert than he had been previously. Alec’s upper lip curled, his shoulders bunching with tension and distress. He didn’t like this. It felt like he was being circled, something sinister closing in.

“How!” Demetri snapped. Felix had unclasped his hands, his eyes flitting about as if he anticipated a fight. A branch snapped from behind him  and Alec whirled with a growl, only to watch an innocent little deer startle and skitter away.

“How do we find her if you can’t track her?” Felix wondered aloud.

“I don’t know.” Demetri ground out. His teeth were clenched, jaw working as he fought to keep a hold of the tenor and pinpoint it once more. Alec didn’t imagine it would happen anytime soon. Someone who could move that fast was never going to be found unless they wanted to be, and given how she was hopping about right as they started to track her Alec guessed that the point was she really didn’t want to be found right now.

“Demetrius!” the sudden shout was accompanied by a gust of wind that ruffled Alec’s cloak. He whirled quickly on the balls of his feet, slipping into a half crouch with a stony expression. His nostrils flared, a shockwave rippling down his spine. She was beautiful. There was a shimmer of gold in that chestnut brown hair, the curls perfect and hanging just so just below her shoulders. Her face was defined by high cheekbones living in the shadow of thick, full lashes. Her lips were equally as plump and an errant thought about how they might taste passed through his mind unbidden.

Focus!

“Pain.” Jane hissed. Three things happened simultaneously then. One, Alec’s stomach dropped without explanation or cause. Second, the girl raised her eyebrows in disbelief, her expression a tad sarcastic as those perfectly plump lips pushed out in a pout. Third, Jane’s furious face melted into a look of tortured agony before she crumpled to the ground knees first. His head snapped back and forth between the girl and his sister, complete shock setting in. It was like she had somehow absorbed Jane’s power and reflected it back at her, the delay was too long for it to be a basic mirror gift so how had she done that?

“Enough!” Demetri snarled, lunging for her. Alec could feel the fury rolling off of him in waves and he couldn’t reach him in time to hold him back. In truth he doubted he could,  the unparalleled rage that was felt by those whose mates were endangered wasn’t something to stand in the way of, nor was it something easy to abate.

Demetri ran straight through her and crashed to the floor the other side.

“Felix don’t!” Alec barked, his eyes calculating as the ear-shattering sound of Jane’s screams died away. The forest clearing was left eerily quiet, only the low rumbling of Demetri’s growling reverberated through the air now. She sighed, a soft exhale of air that seemed to deflate her entire form as she turned to look at him.

“Really Demetrius? I had hoped you would recognise me.” She confessed, her voice somewhat apathetic despite the way her brows had furrowed that betrayed how deeply conflicted the knowledge made her feel. Her voice was musical to his ears, enough to daze him slightly and Alec desperately fought through the sudden, confusing, onslaught of emotion. Demetri had faltered now, his full name had been agitating enough but the implication he should know her was just downright unsettling to them all. There weren’t many left alive who knew them from their earliest days, and the fact Demetri seemed to struggle to know her was only more proof to Alec that this girl was not only dangerously powerful. but old enough to know how to use that power in the most effective way.

Demetri edged his way around the new threat while Felix quietly circled from behind. Alec shook his head at the giant, knowing deep down it would do no good. The girl would have to be adequately distracted if they were going to take her down. Jane was on her feet again and Demetri quickly pushed her behind his own body once he was close enough, his eyes narrowed.

“You might wear her face, but I cannot believe you are her.” he hissed. Alec had never seen Demetri look like he did right then. The tracker was confident, suave, charming even if the sheer number of partners he’d managed to tempt his way before he’d settled with Jane was anything to go by. Alec had seen him furious, elated, even upset once or twice, but he’d never seen him tortured, not like this. Demetri was watching her like he’d seen a ghost, like he wasn’t sure if she might attack him or if she’d disintegrate – and he didn’t know which would be worse.

“You were never the one lacking faith when we were small,” She remarked dryly. Vibrantly crimson red eyes flashed with indignation, a full pink lip curled back in a smirk that was more of a sneer. Alec wanted to look at Demetri, see his reaction, but he couldn’t take his eyes off of her twisted expression. Her pain was almost tangible, like he had internalised it to. He didn’t like that expression on her face at all and he didn’t really understand why before the wind changed direction. Mint. Fresh mint and sunshine on warm sand. His eyes widened slightly. They were his favourite scents, two of his favourite scents blended and combined into one perfect smell that was caught in his nose and ensnared every fibre of his being. Only one person in the world was meant to smell that way to him. He had heard Jane and Chelsea and so many others tell him as much.

“Y/N.” Demetri breathed. Alec could only watch, warring with himself as Demetri moved to embrace her, the shock he felt evident on his face. Jane was quietly seething beside him, watching her mate embrace another woman, but Alec finally felt the last puzzle piece slip into place when Demetri turned with her tucked under his arm. The shine to chestnut brown hair, the high cheekbones, the full, dark lashes, the very structure of their faces…it was all too similar to be a coincidence.

“You’re related.” He said. Demetri nodded, looking overwhelmed with emotion as he stared down at the girl tucked beneath his arm.

“I thought her dead, I tracked you to a dock and could go no further. You were just gone.” He said. She scoffed slightly.

“Would you have had me stay? Marry that disgusting oaf thrice my age? He was said to have beaten all the whores in the brothel,” She turned her gaze to the floor, “No matter how much I love you brother you were not making the right choice for me. I had to look after myself.” Demetri looked pained by her admission while Alec’s mind reeled.

“So the only feasible thing to do was run away? You didn’t even try to talk to me or mother!” Demetri argued.

“For what purpose! My job was to be worthy of the dowry paid for me and mother made it abundantly clear I could not even do that right given her choice of suitor for me!”

“Mother loved you! I loved you! I still do! I have grieved your loss every day of this life.”

Alec’s brain had finally switched off by then. Only Jane seemed to notice his obvious distraction but there was little time to comment on it between meeting her mate’s sister and having to convince her not to run from them anymore. Through the daze he was in Alec understood that if she ran now, disappeared as suddenly as she had appeared, then she would be missing from both of their lives forever.

“Stay. You have to stay.” He blurted. Multiple heads snapped his way, furrowed brows and confused expressions surrounding him. Her face twisted into an amused expression.

“Oh do I, pretty boy?” she questioned. Alec ignored the way his stomach fluttered at the strange pet name, swallowing hard as he tried to organise his scrambled thoughts. How was he supposed to explain the complexity of what he was thinking, what he was feeling, when he barely knew himself?

“You do.” Alec pushed, his voice firm. His words were falling from his mouth before he even consciously thought of them. Her amused expression never faltered as he fought to regain some control of himself. The embarrassment of being caught unawares had him scowling, chest puffing as a desperate need to defend his authority broke free of the maelstrom he was feeling.

“I don’t think-“

“It’s pointless you thinking at all. If we return without you there will be no corner of this Earth you may settle in. Demetri will be forced to hunt you for the rest of your immortal life, so, to make it easier on both of you, you’re best coming with us now.” Alec kept his voice firm even though he felt the flutter of nerves in his gut. What if she said no? He’d never know his mate if she left now, and Y/N was so worth getting to know. It had been so many centuries since Jane was as happy and calm as she was, and the very same thing was at his fingertips, just an arms-length away, waiting for him to reach out and grab it.

“And you think he would find me?” she asked. The question hung in the air, the growing tension palpable almost. Once her eyes locked with his he couldn’t look away, time became non-existant and his companions faded in favour of leaving a single face, just one, that his whole world centred around. He pushed back, desperate to stop whatever was trying to pull him towards her so he could gain some clarity. The more distance, the easier it was to think. Alec didn’t blink, he had no need to, so he saw every little moment as she disappeared in a wisp of red smoke and reappeared just as fast in front of him. He was immediately overpowered by her scent, by her voice, by everything she was and everything they had the potential to be.

“Please.” He said, quieter this time. He really wasn’t sure he’d survive if she left. Y/N’s head tilted, her smirk dropping the slightest bit for a fraction of a second as she leaned closer to him. Just like that, it returned, and her lips were diverted from their heart stopping path towards his mouth towards his cheek instead.

“Since you asked so nicely, take me back to your house pretty boy.”

Alec did.

Y/N was immediately given a black cloak, a cloak she at first refused before Demetri took her aside and they had a long discussion that had ended with her walking back in to accept her place amongst them. Alec had watched her from afar ever since. Inevitably Demetri had reconnected with his sister, and he watched as the man teased her mercilessly in between reminiscing about their shared history. He watched her craft gifts he’d never even considered in his long history of living and was left awed each time he saw one. She moved fluidly and with grace, quickly picking up the fighting techniques Felix taught her and decimating their enemies like a one-woman army. He fell in love with every little thing about her from afar. He adored the way she had a comeback for every occasion and the little smirk she quirked upward just for him when they passed in the corridor. He was besotted with the way her melodic voice always sang a nickname only he was given.

He had found her in the library once, curled up with an old looking book he knew wasn’t from their library – because Alec knew every book in their library cover to cover – in her hands. He’d been surprised at how mellow and calm she was that day, how she’d greeted him with a smile that was devoid of anything false, genuinely and calmly content for perhaps the first time since they’d met. There were a myriad of other little things he found out once they began to read together to, things that only made him fall in love with her a little bit more. She wrinkled her nose before a storm, always able to smell the rain in the air before anyone else ever did. She hummed in the shower, old folk songs Alec didn’t know but was quickly learning the tune to. Her every movement was like dancing because she had once trained as a way to pass the decades. Whenever she stepped into the sun, she lifted her face to its rays for just a moment to soak in their warmth.

“Earth to Alec.” Felix waved a hand in front of his face and Alec was quick to snatch it from the air. He quickly shifted his body, flipping Felix over his shoulder with a growl that voiced his displeasure. Felix laughed, loud and long with a gleam in his eye that told Alec just how much he was enjoying this. The giant pulled him down with him in the blink of an eye, rolling him beneath him and pressing his knee tight into the inner side of his thigh to keep him pinned.

“Bastard.” Alec snarled.

“If your eyes weren’t on Y/N you might have seen it coming.” He teased. Alec was fuelled by sheer embarrassment at that, lifting his free leg and kicking Felix back with such force he dented the wall opposite him.

“Keep your mouth shut!” he warned. Felix hissed, pulling himself free of crumbling bits of marble and brushing the dust from his clothes.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” he asked in amazement, “It’s clear as day you love the woman Alec so stop pining after her with your eyes and just ask Y/N out already! Take your frustration out by pounding her, not me!” Alec let loose another warning growl, but it was stopped dead by the familiar, refined tone of Demetri. His head whipped to the left, finding the tracker stood tall in the doorway. His expression was devoid of any emotion.

“Surely that’s a sick joke.” He said finally. Alec blinked, somewhat astonished at the venom behind Demetri’s voice.

“Excuse me?” he asked. Demetri scowled, lip curling back above his teeth.

“My sister is off limits.” He hissed, fists clenching at his sides. Felix very smartly moved out of their way.

“Then so is mine!” Alec snapped.

“We’re mates! You cannot fight fate!” Demetri argued, “A puppy crush is something else. Find somewhere else to place your affections, Alec.”

“Maybe fate wants me to put them right in your sister.” He sneered, tired of his attitude and feeling a righteous kind of fury burn through him. Demetri was already starting to growl at him, slowly lowering his centre as he prepared to strike. Alec didn’t give him the chance, the mist pouring from his palms as they trembled near his sides. Demetri dropped like a stone, Felix soon following when he went to stop the younger boy.

“Enough Alec!” Felix shouted.

“Yes, I have had enough! I have had enough of all of your filthy jokes hinting at the ways you repeatedly defile my sister! I have had enough of having to pretend I’m okay with watching your sickening displays of affection with my twin! I knew it from the moment I met her that Y/N was made for me, her scent is my favourite smell and nobody appreciates the little things about her the way I do. Your sister is very much my mate and if I cannot keep you from Jane, you will not be keeping Y/N from me!” he promised, voice strong and echoing off of the marble walls of the training room. It took him a second to remember just who was in it.

Y/n stared back at him with an open-mouth, completely shocked it seemed by his admission. His anger was swept away in a flurry of horror, horror that quickly faded to disappointment as Santiago stepped forward with a look of disgust on his face.

“You’ve been sharing my bed knowing Alec is your mate?” he demanded. Her head snapped back and forth between them so quickly it was at risk of snapping right off. Alec could see the panic in her eyes as another lower guard member stepped forward.

“You replaced me with Santiago? My gift almost guarantees me permanent status here, why would you downgrade?”

“Watch your mouth!” Santiago snarled. Y/N looked back at him as Alec felt his heart freeze over, a deep, raw kind of ache starting up in his chest. She’d slept with Santiago and that random guy who wasn’t even worthy of having his name remembered? Had she not felt it the day they met the way he had? No…no, they’d read together at least once a week for the past five months she’d been here! He’d seen her drop her guard the first day they had met, he was sure she had felt it, so why would she find the company of the other guard members more preferable to his?

“Just how many of the other guard members have you slept with?” Demetri demanded, looking equally as horrified. Alec was sure that was more to do with her choice of partner than anything else. A horrible numbness began to set in. Did she truly not care for him? Alec would have died for her, hell, he’d have ripped off an arm if she asked it of him, such was the depths of his devotion to her.

“Alec I-“

“Goodbye.” The single word shredded his throat like he’d pushed a ball of thorns up through it, but that pain was nothing compared to the distinct throbbing in his chest. His mate didn’t care, that much was obvious. He left the argument fading behind him, walking with tunnel vision towards his room.

His mate didn’t care. And it tore him apart.

#twilight #twilight fanfiction #alec volturi #volturi #felix volturi #jane volturi #demetri volturi #jane x demetri #alec x female reader #x reader #reader is a powerful b*tch #the next part will be happier I promise

[salmonthestoryteller]

That Scene

Yes, this is about Roswell New Mexico 02x06. And I will preface by saying that I dislike the scene. That I view certain actions and motivations in it negatively. That I find the consent dubious at best. So if you're looking for someone to defend this scene, this is not the post for you.

Usually when I write meta or thoughts, I write it by trying to understand the viewpoint of the characters involved.  I like to understand how a character got from point A to point B.  And yes, objectively, it’s because the author wanted them to. But I like for things to be logical in my fictional worlds. I like there to be an explanation for why a character behaves the way they do. I like to see cause and effect in the stories I consume. So usually I write meta in an attempt to make sense of the story as it is presented.

I’m not going to do that this time.

This is going to be more a set of bullet points from the viewpoint of a consumer of fiction, a writer, and someone in fandom spaces.

So here we go.

What this is not about. (Yes, I feel the need to precede with that.)

It's not about there being a threesome, or a potential poly relationship, in a work of fiction. I have consumed multiple works with both. My objecting to this specific scenario has nothing to do with that.

It is not about gender.  Believe me, if you genderswap these characters it will not help the situation at all in my eyes. Nor my opinion on the objectionable actions of certain characters.

This is not about ships. I personally am perfectly capable of multishipping, jumping ships, and even being sold on ships I never imagined by good writing.

So what does bother me about this scene?

For starters, a lack of communication of interest in this occurring at all by the parties involved prior to it happening, which made the situation extremely jarring for me as a viewer.

And, no, Alex discussing that he was comfortable touching Maria over a decade prior while living in an abusive household as a teenager definitely doesn't count as "prior interest."

Do you honestly think who you potentially were okay with being touched by ten years ago counts as some kind of consent for them to touch you in the present? Who you were potentially okay with touching you ten days ago doesn't even count for present consent, let alone ten years.

So the lack of any prior conversation before Maria decided to kiss her gay friend and proposition him is very much an issue for me because it seems extremely disrespectful. As a lesbian the last thing I would ever expect to have to do is explain to my straight male friend I've known for years that I don't want to have sex with him. He should be aware of that without my having to explain it. And the same is very much true for Maria's character.

Maria knows Alex is gay. She is very aware of the fact he has no sexual interest in her. I can't even wrap my brain around the concept of why it would ever occur to her to randomly ask her friend for sex in the first place, let alone to kiss or touch him in a sexual way without asking first.

This is all before considering the fact that Alex is injured and currently has no vehicle to leave the premises with. Which means to leave he has to walk all the way home - or at least to the nearest bus if Roswell has dependable public transport - on a leg that is no doubt causing him pain  considering what they just lived through.

If Alex was an injured female with no vehicle to leave with, would you really think it was okay for one of the two people with her to proposition her for sex? Because I wouldn't.  And Alex being a male character doesn't change that for me.

Maria kissing him after asking him to stay comes across very manipulative, and Alex agreeing to stay under the circumstances does not come across as "enthusiastic consent" at all in my eyes.

This is before even bringing in the situation between Maria and Michael. I really wish people would stop saying Maria is his girlfriend in this scene - she definitely is not. She kicked him out between four to six weeks ago and hasn't spoken to him since. They weren't even in a committed relationship at that time. Now? Maria actually has no claim on him at this moment at all. So truthfully, she actually has no right to be kissing him either.

Considering Maria went off on Michael kissing Lindsey in front of her, to the point of bringing it up again when Michael came back to her, how is it okay for her to kiss Michael in front of Alex? How is that not supposed to read as anything but petty and an act of jealousy, considering it occurs in the scene right after Michael addresses how important Alex is to him for the first time in front of her? ("Both of you" meaning Maria is not above Alex in his affections. Which is the first confirmation Maria has that Alex's feelings for Michael are not one sided.)

Then there's the fact that she literally told Michael "No Lindseys" when they were previously getting together, meaning she expected him to be monogamous. So why is she allowed to bring Alex into their sexual relationship?

And why is it okay for her to assume Michael wants her back, with no conversation about why they broke up to begin with? And then request he not only have sex with her, but engage in a threesome before confirming their relationship and with no prior discussion about sexual boundaries or if this is something Michael would even want to participate in?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but weren't we told that Michael allowing Alex constantly back into his life after they broke up was bad? Weren't we told the fact that they kept having sex without communication a red neon sign for an unhealthy relationship? (And honestly, yes, it was, which is why I was fine with them saying that.)

How am I supposed to view Maria and Michael as healthy when she not only does the same thing, but takes it a step further and asks him to have sex with her and his ex he still has feelings for without even talking about why she cut him out of her life for weeks first?

My next problem is the morning after scene for a multitude of reasons.

If Alex's consent was so enthusiastic, why is he written as so upset over the whole thing the next day - to the point of referring to it as "what circle of hell am I in?"

Why does Michael seek out Alex to ask if they've crossed a line if he felt "loved" the previous evening? And considering the show's habit of visual clues, why is he dressed in black as opposed to the soft white shirt of the previous day?

And why does Maria listening in at the window next to her - seeing as she knew Alex had left and wouldn't have known otherwise - not feel a need to check up on the friend who sounds upset when she was the one to ask him into her bed? But instead, stays in bed and demands Michael choose between them right then?

I'm sorry, but all of this comes across as very bad to me. And especially bad for Maria, who ends up reading as jealous, petty, and manipulative.

It's not so great for Michael who seems either dense or insensitive when it comes to Alex's clear unhappiness the next day.

And how am I supposed to view it as anything but Alex being taken advantage of, regardless of how you interpret the original consent, when he ends up alone with neither of the people he shared a bed with the previous evening seeming to give a damn that he's upset?

If I had a hope in hell of any of this being addressed, I would perhaps feel less like somebody shoved in a handful of scenes they wrote while on drugs in the middle of a perfectly normal episode.  Considering you could literally chop both scenes out and nothing would change tells me the scene has absolutely no value as written.

The bottom line is that all these factors were completely ignored and  the scene itself will never even be brought up again because this is CW, and all they wanted was a big sex scene. And that is all it was.

I'm tired of hearing "but it was for comfort."

Considering I didn't see Maria having random sex with Liz any time over the last two seasons when either needed comfort, nor did I see a threesome between Alex, Kyle, and Michael after nearly being blown up at Caulfield, the notion that this is about comfort is such a pathetic excuse.

It was sex. Period.

It was for shock value and ratings. Period.

It was poor writing. Period.

#roswell new mexico #anti malexa #tw consent #yes it's about that scene

[jiahlgc]

background changes + motivations

reward: 5 tracker points

1. assuming your muse has changed in some way, be it internally or as a result of a change of the external factors around them, how is your muse different? these can be as small as an opinion on a song they hadn’t released previously or as big as a major change in their background. (wc: 278)

sooah had multiple small changes, but nothing major about our sweetheart was changed. 

for starters, sooah now has a stage name. she goes by lila in professional settings. i'd like to thank hyeri for being the big brain in this relationship and suggesting a name that has something to do with purple. even if equinox doesn't follow the same patterns as red velvet, lila is a very cute name, and it won't remind me of the pretty wolf villager in animal crossing as skye did. people can call her whatever they feel more comfortable with, so feel free to make your muse settle with whichever they prefer. 

her background is pretty much the same still. the only change that i can think of is that sooah didn't audition to get into gold star media. she still went with her friend to the site of the auditions but stayed behind as she was approached by an employee and offered a spot. she got in just because of her looks now, and we know that was what happened with sooah 1.0, but now we make it more obvious. 

she's still very hardworking in her training. very timid and lacking confidence in every way and skill, but she persevered. it was also brought to my attention by our favorite jamie, that sooah is the only one in famed now who doesn't have a main or lead position, and i'll wear that badge with pride because while you're all being talented, there's someone who needs to keep things humble. that only means she'll probably work her ass off to get better and be a better performer. we'll use that as a boost.

2. what does your muse think of their company and their group? (wc: 263)

there aren't many differences between fuse and equinox, so all her thoughts about their previous releases remain the same. she's a fan of their sound, and she loves equinox with her whole heart, from the concepts to the members. she wouldn't want to change a thing. she came to rely on them a lot since they were a huge part of her teenage years and maturing process. lila still loves that they have a duo type of concept for equinox, and likes how it plays out in the end for them to show versatility. her opinion on their previous tracks remains the same for the most part since she didn't have a total change of heart. she's still a huge fan and supporter of her group because she thinks they are great.

lila has been experiencing some feelings for not being recognized enough by her company when it comes to equinox's releases, meaning that she doesn't feel like they are seeing her improvement, and wants to keep the status quo when she knows she's doing better. instead, she's pushed to things that aren't related to performing, and even though those are fun and she enjoys doing those gigs, she's a little bit disappointed in them for not trusting her. sooah is growing up, and she's learning how to be more selfish or ask more for the things that she wants, so even though i don't see her going after gold star demanding better treatment, i can say that she's on her way to becoming more confident with what she can and cannot do.

3. is your muse on their first contract or their second? if they’ve renewed, what were their feelings around that at the time and what were their hopes for their second contract? if they haven’t renewed, what are their current thoughts on the end of their eventual first contract? (wc: 272)

sooah is in her second contract with gold star media, and in her mind, she doesn't know why she wouldn't sign with them again to keep their arrangement. it's not as if she was never unsatisfied with her company. in truth, there were various moments when she felt frustrated with them and their ways of dealing with schedules, comebacks, and even her friends' desires. she has her fair share of things to complain about, but she has to admit that they've done some pretty decent things. and this is also the home of her group, and she's emotionally tied to equinox in a way that will be very difficult to dismantle herself. that's why it's hurtful when she sees comments saying that they aren't what they used to be or that this or that member will be the first ones to leave. lila understands that it's just normal that talks like that take place since equinox just recently crossed that seven years mark, but it's a sore point.

to be honest, by the time that they resigned their contract, lila didn't have many expectations of releasing more solo music. she wants to, and she wants to be proved wrong, but she also knows that the chances of it happening are very slim. with that being said, lila wants to take the chance to expand her horizons in variety and hosting. she wants to be a more active figure in variety shows, but not only on tv but also on other platforms. sooah's room was experimentation that ended up doing well, so she expects to be awarded with more projects of the sorts.

4. what are your muse’s goals and motivations? (wc: 288)

as previously mentioned, i'll be using everyone else's better skills sets as motivation to make sooah grow, and that not only goes to performative experience but also personal. 

she has always been the type who observes and tries to learn from there, and i think that now more than ever before, she'll be trying to find her motivation and inspiration from others. not the healthiest thing as she will discover later on, but i think sooah wants to see someone and say, "maybe i can get there, too, if i practice a lot", and that kind of thing boosts her to keep going from the checkpoint to checkpoint, seeking for something that suits her the best.

she doesn't want to become the greatest singer or the best dancer by doing so. she still has some sense of the ridiculous and knows that's far beyond her reach. what she doesn't want is to feel like she has stagnated. that might as well be sooah's biggest fear at the moment, and that's why she's looking to other people to try to figure this out. 

objectively speaking, sooah's main goal is to be able to hold an audience by herself. as someone who has always been in groups (with her brothers always, then later on with her friend with whom she went to the audition, and now with equinox), sooah learned how to mix with the crowds and let others speak, but now that she's more confident, she wants to have stage presence not only when it's her part but through the whole performance. she wants to have a presence and be engaging, which isn't something difficult for many people, but it's something that she's looking forward to mastering this skill.

5. what is one conflict, internal or external, that your muse is currently dealing with, has recently dealt with, or will need to deal with in the future? (wc: 261)

her personal growth is a matter of constant conflict for sooah. her life is as perfect as one would imagine. she has a nice family, brothers she loves, and friends that she keeps by her side. she doesn't even have that many people who dislike her, to begin with. there aren't many things to complicate her dynamic with the exterior world, so we can only expect her to conflict with herself.

sooah isn't stupid, and she knows and understands that everyone has their limits. she just prefers to ignore that when it's with her. i've made sooah 2.0 a lot more impulsive, i guess. and a lot more of a workaholic than before and probably more than jiah is. she has two different brains to reason when it comes to this, but she's the inconsequential young person who thinks nothing too bad will ever happen to her because she's full of youth and energy. and because it's not of her character to complain about things that she does to herself, it'll be interesting to see if someone will end up picking up on that.

this means that we'll see sooah working longer hours, practicing harder, and since she doesn't live with her family anymore, there's a high chance she'll forget to have her meals at the right time and lose track of the hours she slept (or didn't). as i said, this changes almost nothing in terms of how she interacts with other muses because she has always been like this. sooah 2.0 just had her unhealthy methods of work enhanced.

6. if your muse has established career claims, what are their thoughts on their career so far? if they do not, how do they feel about not having individual activities yet? what would they like to do in the future, if anything? if they don’t have ambitions for individual activities, explain why. (wc: 250)

sooah has established herself as a variety shows person, as well as a producer and composer, and on the side, she has done some brand ambassador things. so she thinks she's all over the place at the same time that she isn't.

first and foremost, sooah loves that she gets to work with music even if she doesn't release that many solo songs. she expected that to happen, of course, since she's not a strong vocalist, but, before, she had some fear that music, which is something that became so important to her, would be eventually taken away from her since she's not necessarily crucial in the group. so, being able to stay connected with the process of music-making is probably one of her favorite parts of her career as a solo artist. she hopes she'll be given the chance to work on an equinox track sometime in the future. that would be nice.

sooah likes modeling well enough. it's something that she has been told many times that suits her because of her looks, so she takes it as a good compliment, but from all the things she does, this is probably the lowest on her list.

variety shows are fun and have helped sooah immensely to come out of her shell and be more comfortable around strangers. she's still a bit awkward because i don't think she'll ever stop being awkward, but she's a lot more open to experiences and doing things that aren't in her comfort zone.

#famedrstask1 #( queue. ) #( +5pts. )

[icycream-catqueen]

Kindling (When You’re Burning Low)

Cinder would rather burn herself out than risk a low grade; fortunately, Neo knows how to make her relax.

Rating: T

Tone: Some angst, lots of supportiveness, and a fluffy ending

Word Count: ~5,000

Important Tags: College AU, Established Relationship

I was gonna post this before now but I had problems with writing it and I was nervous about participating in a ship week especially when I only have something written for one prompt, and also my cat was sleeping on me for five whole hours earlier tonight while I was trying to finish up and as everyone knows it is a crime to disturb a snoozing kitty cat. I hope it still counts. ^_^;

Considering it’s pretty long, I only have an excerpt (the first scene I wrote for this fic, actually) on this post; the whole thing is, of course, over on AO3!

On this fine Saturday afternoon, Cinder was taking advantage of the lounge in the dorm suite. The coffee table was half-claimed by various books and notes while Cinder herself was settled at the same end of the couch, her laptop perched on the arm of it and her right side pressed closely against the suede upholstery as she struggled with the perfect phrasing for her essay. Failure was never an option for her, and even the slightest error would lead to it when it came to this class. She was running on pure caffeine by now, from a supposedly unhealthy amount of coffee. This was her third or fourth solid day of being awake. After the first night, she’d moved her setup from her room to the lounge to help her stay more alert. Winter and Emerald had both tried to tell her what was best for her wellbeing, but she’d firmly shut down their arrogance; she knew her own limits, and she needed to get this stupid project done. Neo, thankfully, had been out of town from Thursday morning to last night, and when she’d come back to the suite, she’d trudged straight to her room and shut the door. Cinder had only seen a couple brief glimpses of her since. Just as well, considering Cinder couldn’t intimidate her into letting her be like she could to Emerald and Winter.

At the moment, Emerald and Winter were both out of the building. They’d each probably told her what they were doing, but she hadn’t bothered to remember it. Neo was apparently still asleep, which was a bit odd but not enough so to risk seeing the pitiful kicked-puppy expression that appeared when her sleep was disturbed. Still, if she wasn’t up and about in two hours, it would be worth it to check on her mental and physical health.

Speak of the devil, Cinder heard a door open behind her. She didn't bother to look, though, until she realized the shuffling footsteps were approaching the couch instead of the kitchen, bathroom, or shower. She took a brief glance, then did an immediate double take because Neo looked absolutely miserable. Her hair was unbrushed and her eyes were dull. The oversized black sweatshirt (which Cinder recognized by the fiery orange phoenix on the front as one of her own that had mysteriously vanished a few weeks ago) and the brown and pink plaid pajama pants were probably what she'd worn to bed the night before, and she hadn't even bothered to put on socks. It was worrying to see her in such a state.

"You certainly look worse for wear," Cinder commented. Neo pouted at her as she slowly made her way to the couch and sank to the cushions. Before Cinder could react, Neo flopped down, squirmed to lay her head in her lap, and rolled onto her back. "I'm busy," Cinder told her sternly.

Neo's response was a soft and pitiful keening sound. She fumbled to grab Cinder's left wrist, staring up at her with pleading doe eyes.

"Neo. I'm busy," Cinder repeated. Neo whined and tugged on her wrist, so Cinder rolled her eyes and stopped resisting, curious about what she wanted. She wasn't sure what she was expecting, but she was definitely taken by surprise when Neo gently guided her hand under the hem of her sweatshirt and pressed it against her lower stomach.

What is she trying to accomplish here? Cinder raised an eyebrow at the woman in her lap. Neo let go of her wrist to sign something at her. The odd angle made it hard to translate, so it took a few seconds for Cinder to understand what she was asking for and why.

"I suppose I can take a short break, if you're really in that much pain," she relented. "You're lucky you're cute," she added as she carefully activated her Semblance.

The reaction was instant. Neo sighed with relief at the warmth, eyes full of soft gratitude and affection. Cinder rubbed slow, small circles over her stomach, feeling the smaller woman go languid under her touch. After a few more seconds, Neo's eyes fluttered closed.

"Is this warm enough?" Cinder asked. Neo nodded, a content smile playing across her lips. "Just ten minutes."

Neo opened her eyes and pouted at her.

"There is a reason I've been awake for," Cinder checked the time on her laptop, "about eighty hours now." Neo looked positively outraged.

"You need to sleep," she signed—easily decipherable now that Cinder had gotten a little more time to adjust to her current perspective. Not that the message was very appreciated.

"No, what I need is to finish this ridiculous project so I can move on to my two remaining essays, do all the work for a 'group project' because the rest of my assigned group are immature and unmotivated idiots, and study for my three exams this week," Cinder retorted.

"When are your essays due?"

Cinder elected not to answer, since admitting the due dates were two and three weeks away respectively wouldn't help her against Neo's accusatory glare.

"Your group project?"

Okay, so maybe it hadn't technically been assigned yet and was scheduled to be due in a month and a half, but all the information was in the syllabus. Cinder's class was full of imbeciles, and somehow she always got stuck in a group with some idiot or another who didn't understand what a lesbian was, so she was getting it out of the way to avoid interacting with anyone.

"Are all three of your exams actually this week?"

Two of them, and one of those barely counted more towards the final grade in the class than a small quiz. Her continued silence was answer enough; Neo knew her too well.

"You're going to burn yourself out again." Neo's eyes were unbearably sad, so Cinder looked away.

"I'm fine," she dismissed the concern. A hand grabbed her chin and yanked her head down so her eyes met Neo's again.

"I watched you collapse in the middle of campus last year, and I almost got in trouble for pulling a knife on the paramedics to make them let me stay with you. I got a scared video call from Winter four months ago because you fainted in her fancy rich-person hot tub and nearly drowned," Neo reminded her. “Do I need to go on?”

"I can handle it this time," Cinder insisted, growing agitated. Neo took a calming breath before responding.

"No you can't. You always say it but you never can. You end up in an exhausted daze. You work yourself into a frenzy. You get into fits of rage...which honestly scare me."

"I would never lay a hand on—!" Cinder was cut off when Neo pressed a finger to her lips.

"Not for myself. I'm scared you'll lose control and take it out on yourself again," Neo corrected her. "You haven't in a while, but..." Neo trailed a hand down Cinder's left arm, tracing her scars.

"I just...I need to...I have to keep working. I can't let myself fall behind. I can't..." Cinder faltered. Neo sighed.

"I know," she acknowledged. She knew about the past, knew why Cinder relapsed into these desperate attempts to excel, to stay ahead. "But it's pointless if you destroy yourself trying."

"I've only ended up being sent to the hospital three times since I started college," Cinder argued. Neo was unimpressed.

"Congratulations! And you've managed to barely avoid hospitalization how many times now?"

"I—that isn't relevant!" Cinder hissed. Neo scowled.

"Really? It's not? How many times have you ended up so exhausted that you were bedridden for days? How many times have you gone into a mental decline because you were incapacitated? And how many more times are you going to make me watch you suffer like that?"

"If you want to leave me, just get it over with!" Cinder spat bitterly. Neo's eyes widened, hurt and shocked. Cinder flinched, realizing she'd crossed a very important line. "I didn't mean...I don't know why I said that."

"An abandonment complex, emotional instability, a mess of insecurities you mask with your ego, previous girlfriends who couldn't handle you or only wanted your body...and like I've been saying, you need sleep,” Neo replied, recovering. "Also, my cramps?"

"What?" Cinder realized she'd subconsciously deactivated her Semblance at some point and quickly remedied that. "Oh. Sorry."

"I'm going to make a deal with you," Neo informed her abruptly. Cinder raised an eyebrow, intrigued.

"What kind of deal?"

"The 'ridiculous project' you're trying to finish. Tell me about it, and I'll explain," Neo replied. Cinder clenched her teeth at the mere mention of it.

"It's an assigned experiment, a five to ten-page report on it, and an oral presentation. And the professor hates me. He goes out of his way to make every class, every test, and every assignment hell for me. I have to work harder than anyone so he can't get away with failing me out of spite. If I make even one mistake..." she growled.

"When is it due?"

"The day after tomorrow. It was assigned two weeks ago, but three days ago he realized he 'accidentally' gave me the wrong experiment. In other words, he's making me do a two-week project within five days—after I'd already finished the one he previously assigned me."

"Watts," Neo guessed. Cinder had come back from his class angry enough times that it wasn't even a question.

"Yeah," she confirmed anyway. Neo wrinkled her nose.

"I already hated that guy, and I hated him more and more every time you came back from his class in a bad mood, but this shit he's pulling now is the final straw, so I'm going to get him fired," she declared. Cinder let out an amused huff.

"And how will you do that?" she asked. She didn’t expect an actual answer but Neo didn't even hesitate.

"It may include breaking and entering, small and well-placed incidents, a flat tire, some bottles of the expensive alcohol he isn't supposed to have on campus, a sedative, and if we're lucky, a little inadvertent assistance from gravity and Ironwood."

"Just how long have you been planning this?" Cinder was taken aback at the immediate response. Neo considered.

"The time you locked me out of your dorm after his class because you were so furious you wanted to hit something, and you were worried you'd see so much red you might accidentally hit me in blackout rage. You've never told me what happens in his class to make you so angry, or even if it's actually him or just another student—though I was pretty sure it was him—so I planned for both situations."

"I'm impressed," Cinder commented. Neo smirked. “Now what was that ‘deal’ you mentioned?”

"You finish the report for your project, then eat something more substantial than coffee and whatever quick snacks you've been living off of for the past few days. And then we go to my dorm and you get some damn sleep."

"How did you know I'm working on the report right now?" Cinder was taken aback. "And how do you know I haven't been eating?"

"Because I can see it on your computer. And once again, you've done this before, so I know you don't take the time for more than the minimum amount of food to keep hunger from 'distracting' you," Neo pointed out, almost accusingly.

"I haven't even started working on the oral presentation. I'll do all that after I'm completely finished."

"Nope. You can start that part when you're well-rested. If you make me physically drag you to bed while I'm on my period, I'll make damn sure you regret it," Neo threatened with a scowl.

“Fine,” Cinder gave in reluctantly. Neo smiled brightly, and dammit, it was nigh impossible for Cinder to stay bitter in the face of such genuine fondness, joy, and relief. She wondered when she’d gotten so soft—even if only a select few people got to see that soft part of her—and realized she didn’t even mind anymore.

#spicecreamweek2021 #spicecream #cinder x neo #fanfic #rwby #cinder fall #neopolitan #college au #oneshot #mentions of trauma #mentions of past self-harm #fluff #cuddles #established relationship #tl;dr cinder neglects self-care so neo makes her take a nap #i could have just done a link like normal people but i wanted an excuse to use the spicecream graphic i made

[wobbly-flamingo]

Hello! I’ve started a new blog with more of an MS-focus.

The good, the bad and the ugly

This week I want to talk about inclusion, as it’s National Inclusion Week. Specifically, I’ll be comparing my new, very inclusive employer to my previous, very non-inclusive employer where I experienced discrimination, bullying, exclusion, sexual harassment, verbal abuse from senior colleagues, gas-lighting, unfair treatment, and a generally very toxic work environment.

To start, the good! I’ve been working in my current job for 3 months now and it’s by far the most inclusive and supportive environment I’ve worked in. By really far. I was astonished in my first few days to realise how much of an emphasis there is on wellbeing for employees and how many resources there are for us. There are multiple staff diversity networks - I am a member of the LGBT+ staff network, the disability staff network and the women in work network. There are regular “Let’s talk about...” meetings hosted by the networks and I try to attend one every couple of weeks. There’s a lot of encouragement in our department, to focus on your own wellbeing and keep yourself well. In my experience so far, there’s a very high level of engagement around wellbeing between co-workers, line managers and departmental heads. Whenever I have a catch up with my line manager the first item on the agenda is for her to ask me about my wellbeing. She regularly asks if there is anything they can do to support me, and makes really useful suggestions. For my interview, the interviewers asked me if I wanted any reasonable adjustments! I did. And they were happy to oblige. It’s the most positive and supportive professional environment I’ve worked in. Despite the fact that I am working longer hours in this job than I was previously, I am able to cope better because the resources are there and the support system is there. Plus, I love my job!

Now for the bad and ugly... I experienced so much toxicity at my previous job that I could be here for days talking about it. So I’m just going to give a couple of examples. Before my MS diagnosis, I didn’t hate my job, I thought it was alright. But I noticed very early on that they had an incredibly toxic and unhealthy work environment. I was bullied, I was verbally abused by senior colleagues, I was sexually harassed. After my diagnosis however, things got MUCH WORSE. The bullying really went up a notch, the verbal abuse by senior colleagues did not stop, neither did the sexual harassment; on top of this I started to experience a lot of unfair treatment, exclusion from work events and team activities, discrimination, and gaslighting by a very senior colleague.

I was hospitalised on my 30th birthday and spent most of the day in the MRI scanner. A few days later I was diagnosed. After getting out of hospital I was signed off sick for a couple of weeks. On reflection I wish I had stayed off work for longer. I was honest with my employer from the start, and while I was in hospital my parents had been phoning up to keep them in the loop. My employer decided to share my very personal diagnosis around the office so that everyone knew, which is completely against company policy but whatever. Anyway just a few days after getting back to work, I started getting incredibly unhelpful comments and questions such as “you need to engage your brain more” and “couldn’t you have tried harder today?”. I was criticised constantly for not working fast or hard enough, for struggling with concentration, and for making small errors. I tried countless times to explain that cognitive impairment is a very common MS symptom and that I was struggling with my cognition and fatigue, among other significant symptoms. I was on reduced hours for absolutely ages, at the advice from several medical professionals and occupational therapists.

I had people go behind my back and report to my line manager that they had caught me (after 5pm and therefore after working hours) campaigning for climate justice and that they were “concerned for my health”. Pahahahahahaha. Naturally my line manager didn’t defend me and instead pulled me into a meeting to ask me about it. I pointed out that it’s nobody’s business what I do in my spare time as long as it doesn’t conflict with company policy.

I was told I was over-reacting to situations and making THEIR lives difficult! I mean wow. I’ve just been diagnosed with a life-long, incurable, debilitating disease, and this was apparently making things difficult for them...

Despite having very obvious mobility difficulties and walking with a stick, I was being asked to take senior colleagues’ paperwork up and down stairs for them (not part of my job) and when I said that I was in too much pain to be doing this, I was told to stop being difficult and that I should be seeing this as an opportunity to expand my job role!! It does actually make me laugh now. But at the time I didn’t find it funny; in fact I had no idea how to deal with it.

When I told my line manager one day that I was struggling with stress and feeling overwhelmed with work, to the point that I was heading for a breakdown, I was told that “everyone is under pressure so we just need to get our heads down”. Helpful.

For the majority of the 2.5 years I was there, I was regularly verbally abused by a senior colleague. Apparently he had treated other members of staff the same way and got away with it also. Colleagues of mine had to actually leave the room when he spoke to me in that manner because it made them uncomfortable. During the height of the pandemic when most of us were home working, this abuse was just given over the phone instead. There was one particularly bad incident last Summer, where he was shouting down the phone at me and got real personal. When I mentioned this to my line manager and said I no longer wanted to converse with this person, I was told that it was literally part of my job so I had no choice but to continue our working relationship, despite how intimidated I felt. The one person who should have had my back, did not take it seriously. Worse than that, the regional director was in the same room as the bully so had overheard his side of the conversation, and I naively thought “good news, someone that overheard the conversation can back me up” but nope - instead he said that my version of what had happened was untrue and that I was over-reacting.

Unfortunately it took me about 7/8 months after this incident to find the right job, but boy am I glad to be out of there! Toxic was probably an understatement really. The sad thing is that there was a small handful of people there that I did get on with and would have liked to keep in touch with, but I have sort of cut all ties with the place, and I am much healthier and happier for it!

#inclusion #diversity #wellbeing #mental health #toxic #toxic work environment #toxic culture #supportive #positive #healthy #unhealthy

[browniesnivy]

hiii brownie idk enough abt yugioh but *insert one of ur yugioh faves* and umm maybe franziska for that character ask game :]

Franziska Von Karma 

How I feel about this character- FRANZISKA LITERALLY SO AMAZING...I love how she’s introduced as just as terrifying and cruel as her father, but then you see that she really does care about helping other people throughout her determination to avenge Edgeworth and to help Phoenix save Maya in Farewell My Turnabout despite taking a bullet to the shoulder (such a good parallel with her father on its own!)... and then with the scene at the airport she’s is allowed to be emotionally vulnerable without being any less of a competent prodigy of law! She’s just... so fucking cool I LOVE HER!

All the people I ship romantically with this character- Maya Fey! I love the contrast between both of their personalities making them seem like total opposites, but when you look at their connection to a family legacy it becomes obvious they have a lot in common. I wish the games had expanded on their dynamic more, but unfortunately lesbians are oppressed :( 

My non-romantic OTP for this character- VON KARMA SIBLINGS... Mieke I know you agree with me on this! They grew up with the same terrible expectation that come with being a prodigy, and so they’re really the only ones who’s can comfort and understand each other... they obviously both feel such an obligation to protect each other and it makes me so CRAZY UGH. BROTHER AND SISTER! 

My unpopular opinion about this character- I don’t think this is an unpopular opinion but I wish she’d kept the shorter hair design from the concept art where her hair is slicked forward to contrast with her father’s slicked back hair, not only because I’m a lesbian and that hairstyle was SO GAY but because I think it could have highlighted or even foreshadowed how she differs from Manfred. Maybe since she hasn’t been able to abandon his influences by Justice for All it wouldn’t make since for her to have such a “wild” hairstyle, but I think that if she returns it would be amazing to see her with that hairstyle to represent how she’s moved on after a decade.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon- SHOW HER DENOUNCING MANFRED VON KARMA FOR REAL. I can understand that it would take time for her to fully accept that her father was not as admirable as she’d been least to believe, but by this point in the timeline I think it’s time for that aspect of her character arc to be resolved. The natural conclusion of her development requires her experiencing the same acceptance of defeat as her brother, so I really hope that if they bring Franziska back at some point she’ll be allowed to admit that her father was awful and that victory isn’t an indication of worth.

Rex Raptor

How I feel about this character- HE IS MY FAVORITE CHARACTER IN ANY PIECE OF MEDIA EVER. I know that he isn’t meant to be a deep character at all and he isn’t given much narrative focus at all but he is just SO DAMN ENDEARING TO ME OKAY. I have an unhealthy obsession with how he is initially introduced as being crass and inconsiderate while Weevil is more polite and strategic, but then it turns out Weevil is a total asshole while Rex is just... a kid who likes dinosaurs and duels for fun? Like even though he’s a total dumbass (the best character trait) who can be a bit rude (not even mean-spirited if we’re being totally honest, like most of his remarks are just him being snarky), the manga describes him as “having to the spirit of a true duelist” and he never really seems as bitter about losing as his counterpart Weevil (except in the Season 4 filler arc, which although I adore for giving me so much more Rex content, makes a lot mistakes by characterizing him as basically interchangeable with Weevil... BUT that’s ANOTHER STORY for ANOTHER DAY). I mean he has more justifiable reasons to be upset than Weevil given how he was LITERALLY cheated out of the Battle City tournaments by Espa (which Mokuba the official rule enforcer LETS THEM GET AWAY WITH and then doesn’t do ANYTHING to compensate Rex), and he STILL tries to warn Joey to stay away from trouble despite him being the guy he supposedly dislikes because he took his best card, totally disgracing him and ruining his entire career. I could keep going but this paragraph isn’t probably already sickeningly long and I still need to be able to make posts about him in the future, so in a nutshell... he seems like a funny and good kid. OH AND WHEN MAI ASKED HIM THE “what can you see but cannot see” RIDDLE AND HE ANSWERED TAKOYAKI BECAUSE YOU CAN SEE THE DOUGH ON THE OUTSIDE BUT NOT THE OCTOPUS ON THE INSIDE? LITERAL CUTEST SHIT EVER KING OF COMEDY I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU. Ahem. Sorry.  

All the people I ship romantically with this character- Weevil Underwood. They’re both teenagers who got famous, let it get to their heads, and then lost everything... considering that they seem like the types of kids who would be bullied relentlessly (they're already constantly being made fun of by mostly of the character anyway), I think the fact that they end up befriending each other is a good sign that they can find some comfort in each other and discover other things to be fulfilled by beside card games. I love how even though this friendship is framed as a begrudging alliance between two self-servings jerks half of the time, the other half of the time it’s about best friends starting a shit together for petty reasons and always being by each other’s side no matter what. The way that they tease each other constantly but then always stand up for one another when others pick on them... it’s so obvious that they actually really care about one another! I just love their dynamic so much it’s unreal, hence the blog.

My non-romantic OTP for this character- Although I primarily think about his relationship with Weevil, there is still a lot of potential to be explored with other characters! Mako is another minor character obsessed with a type of animal, but where’s he differs from Rex and ESPECIALLY Weevil is his sportsmanship, being able to become friends with Yugi and Joey even after being defeated by them. I think that difference mostly comes down to Mako being significantly older than Red and Weevil and therefore having more perspective on gaming fame, so I feel like he would be a great influence on them. On Rex specifically, I think Season 4 missed a big opportunity to expand on Rex and Mai’s relationship. Mai had been a major contributor to Rex losing in Duelist Kingdom, but now they both feel like washed-up failures. I think given the circumstances they could have comeback to an understanding, maybe even have Mai apologize for throwing him under the bus to screw with Joey? I think showing Rex that not everyone who has wronged him in the past had/still has bad intentions would be really good addition to his character arc in Season 4. Then of course there is Joey... to me, the main difference between Rex and Joey is that Joey is stupidly lucky while Rex never seems to catch a break. Otherwise they’re both recklessness dumbasses who prioritize brawn over brain, but Joey is nevertheless able to triumph through sheer dumb luck while Rex gets anihilated over and over with basically the same strategy (minus the RNG cards, Joey’s strategy is just big monsters after all). While the previously mentions she relationships were hypothetical, this dynamic between Joey and Rex is actually given some focus in canon, and I found it very compelling! I only wish this difference between them hadn't only been used to increase Joey’s confidence in his skills as a duelist (which I will remind you is mostly LUCK, no offense to Joey because I do love him BUT I MEAN... only being able to beat Rex because of a lucky Time Wizard isn’t peak strategy ), but to develop Rex’s character somehow as well. 

My unpopular opinion about this character- JUST LIKING THIS CHARACTER IS AN UNPOPULAR OPINION MAN... tons of people hate him so much! I know he isn’t an important character at all but he isn’t nearly as much of a jerk as people make him out to be, and I mean even if he was he’s just a kid! I won’t pretend that he is always portrayed favorably by the narrative, but the fact that some people feel nothing but disdain for a child whose accomplishments were robbed from him by forces outside of his control and who received no sympathy for it, causing his self-worth to deteriorate... it’s a bit concerning to me that so many adults in particular are so disgusted by that. 

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon- I’ve talked QUITE a lot already about things that I wish had happened to develop his character more, but above all else I wish his character arc in Season 4 had been given a proper conclusion. The writers set up this interesting conflict where the insignificant minor characters are upset that they aren’t allowed to be successful when the more important characters aren’t involved and shows the consequences that their defeat had on their lives and self-image... BUT THEN AFTER THEY’RE DEFEATED THEY ARE FORGOTTEN ABOUT FOR THE REST OF THE SEASON UNTIL THEY WAKE UP IN THE HOSPITAL AND INSTANTLY REVERT BACK TO BEING COMIC RELIEF GRRR GRRRRRRRR! There wasn’t no resolution to this arc AT ALL and it drives me UP THE GODDAMN WALL because it absolutely captivated me in concept... but like with many things in Yu-Gi-Oh! the execution was totally ruined :( 

#I hope you don’t regret asking about Yugioh ive been known to get... quite passionate lol #Wake up babe new Brownie rant dropped 😅 #Thanks for the ask bestie!

[kewltie]

contains: predator/prey dynamic, animal characteristic, uh cannibalism (??), unhealthy relationship dynamic 

The day after an UA’s staff had discovered the mangled and half eaten carcass of one of their students, a weasel third year, the campus was in a shutdown for an entire week as they tried to uncover which one of the carni had broken the Accords and became a headhunter.

Every single herb students was warned once, twice, and too many times to never walk the dark street alone after sunset because while the age of active predation had gone in Para-Dice, behind the stone walls of the Savagelands, they still participate in the Hunt.

No herbivore is safe.

Even in one of the most prestigious colleges in the city, where every vores live seemingly in harmony. There’s always an undercurrent of danger between the two very distinct classes because all it take is a swipe of carni’s claw sinking into someone’s flesh and they’re done. The ravenous hunger will take them, turning a friendly lion who one had shared classes and jokes with previously into a famished beast set out to consume your very flesh.

Their society is built on this precarious balancing act. Danger lives in the heart their closest friend.

"Izuku, are you sure you don't want me to walk you home?" Ochako asks for the fifth time already, her white wings contracting anxiously behind her.

Izuku waves her off. "I'm fine," he insists, "my dorm isn't that far from here and if you take me home, who will take you back anyway?"

"I'll get Tenya to walk with us!" Ochako persists. She’s a crane; large wings, a noble and beautiful feature, but they’re mainly omnivore and a gentle soul.

He shakes his head, his long ears swinging with it. "He just fell asleep from cramming for his ochem exam, I really don't want to bother him," he argues. "It's okay. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine."

Ochako bites down on her lower lip. "I just want you to be careful because," she leans in and lowers her voice as though telling a secret, "of the headhunter. It's dangerous right now since they haven't found the vore yet. It'll break my heart if you become another statistic."

"I don't know why anyone would want to eat me, when I don't even taste that good.” Izuku frowns, brows furrowing as he pinches the skin on his arm. "If they were to eat me, they'll just spit me out or maybe they just like the taste of horrible rabbit meat."

Reeling back, Ochako cries out, "Izuku!"

He cracks a smile. "Sorry, sorry!" He laughs, tugging one of his ears down. "I don't mean to joke about it, but you know how I'd lived in the Savagelands before coming here? Well, I'm used to this kind of imminent danger."

Ochako frowns, wings still flapping wildly with every slight movement. "Okay," she says, letting out a long tired sigh, "if you're that sure then." Like, she still isn't used to Izuku's reckless nature that had created such a stir even among their more colorful student populations. Because despite Izuku's herb status and the skittish nature of rabbits overall, Izuku acts like one of the apex predators on their campus—in the likes of wolves and lions, where he moves easily and freely among them as though he was always a part of their class.

He’s bunny herbivore, bred and raised in the curtains of the Savageland, where fear was his constant companion and threat of being eaten had hung over his head every waking second. To live was privilege given only to the strong, powerful, and the ones who hungered. Compare to that, this is easy.

Izuku gives her a thumb up and he quickly grabs his bags and books, making a dash out of her dorm room before she can change her mind. He climbs down the stairs to the first floor and heads toward the exit of Green Leaf Dormitory, one of the only herbivore dorms on campus. Outside the sky is completely blackened with only the full moon and the streetlights to guide him back to his dorm. It's only 9PM on a Thursday but the campus is eerily quiet. The looming danger of a headhunter still running amok keeps most vores locked in their dorm, but Izuku marches on.

On a full moon like this, they say it's when all the wild ones come out. The ominous sounds and shadows that dogged Izuku's steps could be anything from a fallen trashcan, a rustling of the leaves or something else, something dangerous, but Izuku isn't faze by any of it. Strolling his way across a darkened path that isn't as well lit as the more main routes but it cuts his time in half, Izuku hums a familiar song he'd heard in Ochako's dorm room earlier.

It's a love song, light and upbeat in contrasts to the grim setting that surrounds him. Oh, darling we love, love, so tonight we feast like beasts—

Large hands suddenly appear from the shadow to grabs him from behind, causing him to drop his books to the ground. A palm is pressed over his mouth to suppress his scream as the other hand rips his backpack away from him, before latching onto his waist in a forceful grip.

Left defenseless and no direct line of sight to his attacker, Izuku's heart races just for a second before a large sturdy body enveloped his back, head poking over Izuku's shoulder as his breath ghosts Izuku's cheek. He shivers against the familiar warmth and breathes, "K-Kacchan!"

Katsuki spins him around so that they're facing each other properly, his hands never leaving Izuku's waist as green eyes collides with red. "Deku," he says, and it's an entire world in a single word. "You goddamn idiot." His chest rumbles in a low threatening growl.

With the tip of his right ear folding over unhappily at the scolding, Izuku pouts. "I was fine," he insists.

Katsuki glares at him. "There's a wild headhunter on the loose and you're wandering around after dusk like a dumbass with a sign 'eat me' over his fucking head." He grabs one of Izuku's furry ears and tugs it down purposefully. "They said rabbit meat is delicious, you wanna test that out personally?"

Izuku frowns. "You would know that wouldn't you?" he says impishly, meeting Katsuki’s glare with his own. "Taste any bunny boy lately?"

Katsuki's teeth bares, fangs protrudes pass his lips in a snarl that both sends Izuku's heart racing and ears twitching in excitement. He tightens his hold around Izuku's waist but the way his claws dig in, piercing Izuku's shirt but careful enough not to draw blood says enough.

Izuku throws his arm over Katsuki's shoulder, wrapping them around his neck as he pull him down and butts their head against each other. A purr stirs from him as he tries to smooth over Katsuki's aggressive stance. "Sorry, that was mean of me," he offers quietly in chagrin. "You're not like that." He pauses, and shakes his head meaningfully. "Not like them at all. I know you've been abstaining from eating red meat for my sake and—" he looks up, green eyes meet piercing red ones, "even if that wasn't the case, I'm not afraid of you, Kacchan."

"Stupid fool," Katsuki scolds, a familiar refrain that Izuku had heard a thousand times before since the day Izuku was brought into the Forest to be part of the Hunt, where elite carni in the Savageland can get their bloodlust and hunger met like the true beasts of burden that they are.

The Hunt has been long banned and consider barbaric practice within the walls of Para-Dice, but in the Savagelands the tradition not only lived on but thrive in the bosom of the elite carnivores who bred and raised helpless bunnies like him so he can be feast upon later in a game to meet their bloodlust; a lamb reared to be slaughter.

Katsuki was —is— apart of it and he was furiously hunted Izuku’s kind down and was about to rip his flesh apart that day in the Forest, but Izuku had went to him on trembled knees and begged to be eaten first so others can live. Katsuki had rightfully called him a stupid fool and kept him instead.

Izuku still doesn't know what had made Katsuki stop, taking him by the arm instead of a taking a bite out of him. Katsuki had thought him foolish and mad to offer himself up as food, while Izuku thought Katsuki was foolish and mad to not eat the food left out for him, but Katsuki swore to the next red meat he’ll eat it’ll be Izuku’s and Izuku’s only.

Quite frankly, they're both a little foolish and mad, choosing each other despite the hunger and fear that permeate their entire relationship. "Ah, but you adore me," Izuku says confidently, spoken like someone who had escaped the jaw of death many times over and reveled in it. He had been cheating death long enough now.

Katsuki growls, his chest rumbling in annoyance as he opens that dangerous jaw of his to reveal sharp canine teeth that had cut the flesh of many herb like him down in the past. Dangerous teeth from a dangerous beast, and Izuku's goes breathless as it descends upon him.

Katsuki presses those menacing jaw against his cheek, grazing his flesh like pinprick nail beds then he bites down — razor, soft nibble that make Izuku's cheek stings and his body arches up in response, hands clawing at the back of Katsuki's neck to push for more. Always pushing, wanting, and teasing.

Izuku’s the dangerous one. He had brought to heel this wild beast and made Katsuki his as much as he is Katsuki’s.

With eyes dilating with a throbbing desire and breath heavy, Katsuki draws back a bit reluctantly even if his face retains it frowny feature as though Izuku is his trials to bear. "I'll take you back to your dorm," he grunts out, carefully putting Izuku back in place.

Now, it's Izuku turn to frown, because really. "I'm fine," he says. “It’s not even that far off anymore.”

"Don't be stupid," Katsuki snaps, then pauses, before correcting himself, "Don't be even more stupid. Some dumbass is out there hunting dumber asses like you, so I'm not taking any fucking chances. You’re not going to become rabbit meat for someone else."

"I wouldn't let a rogue headhunter have me," Izuku argues, because if he's going to be eaten it would be Katsuki who do it. His body, his heart, and everything he could offer, he wants Katsuki to be the only one to have him like that so even if he die, he'll forever be bound to him. Tied together as one. Carni and herb’s mating aren’t frowned upon but they aren’t encouraged either, because it often results in either death or someone getting eaten. Or both.

Instinct is hard to fight off even with fabricated white meat to tame the carnivore’s aptitude, but for high aspect apex predator like Katsuki food and love is often the exact same thing. Sometimes, when Katsuki look at him Izuku can see hunger and want wars within him, and he doesn’t know if he wants to eat or fuck Izuku.

It’s all very confusing and, quite frankly, delightful at times. The fact that Izuku has lived this long while Katsuki hadn’t managed to sink his fangs completely into him said enough about Katsuki’s feelings and self-control for Izuku. He got this wild untamed wolf leashed and properly collar, but sometimes Izuku like to toe the line and see where Katsuki’s draw his boundary, just to get a taste of what it’s like to this close to death and come out alive every time.

Katsuki's eyes narrow, like he knows exactly what horrible thoughts are brewing in his head because Izuku had confessed all his twisted up desire under the cloak of darkness of their bed — eat him, rip him apart, and oh, how he wants to those teeth to sink into him one day. Death is inevitable for all vores, but to choose how one could die is a special privilege. And Izuku had already chosen.

Katsuki’s flashes those exact impeccably white teeth at him. "No, you wouldn't," he agrees gruffly, pulling Izuku along. Because he, too, wants him in that same twisted way, but not yet. Not now. They still have an entire lifetime ahead of them. There's plenty of chance for that in their future.

It's not that Izuku is fearless in the face of predation of his own kind and the hunger that keep vores like Katsuki chained to their most primal instinct. It's because Katsuki had promised him when the time is right, Izuku would be the only to offer up his heart to him and he’ll devour it like the rest of Izuku’s body.

#bakudeku #zootopia au #fic snippet #um well

[demonboidies]

𝓼𝓲𝓬𝓴𝓵𝔂 - 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓼 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓬𝓸𝓷𝓼

pt.7

word count: 2,545

<this is a yandere story, therefore this is a trigger warning for emotional abuse, manipulation, toxic relationships and overall unhealthy obsession towards the reader/mc/yn>

taglist: @iwannabeanidol  @taezeus @jooniescupcakes @aesthetically-messed-up @okepoke @weirdo-in-the-closet @aysha489​ @illnevertrustmyselfagain​ @sessi03​ (comment under this post that you want to be added to the taglist; commenting anywhere else will not be counted for) 

jungkook was really cute, in general. he captured hearts of many people, unintentionally, of course. it was an obvious fact and everyone knew it. except, all of the atoms in jin, hoseok, namjoon, and yoongi's body wouldve disagreed at this moment.

he was a whining, stomping, stubborn mess right now. tears were streaming down his face as he stomped about in his room, definitely making a big mess. the covers were thrown onto the floor as he kicked the small rug on his floor.

"hey, bun-bun, please stop! do you want noona to see this big mess?" namjoon tried persuading the boy, who stopped momentarily. he shook his head no and namjoon nodded, "exactly. if i tell noona that you made this mess, do you think she'll be happy? who knows she might just leave us if she sees this."

at the prospect of you leaving, his eyes teared up even more. he collapsed onto the ground, grabbing a pillow he had previously thrown onto the ground to cry into.

"no!~~"

the wail made all 4 of the guys cringe. finally, yoongi stepped forward running a hand through jungkook's hair.

"hey, bunny, why don't you get into bed and wait there for y/n to come back?"

jungkook shook his head.

"why not buddy?"

"i-i wanna see her when she comes inside, jungkookie doesn't want to wait any longer."

yoongi nodded thoughtfully, helping his fellow friend up, "we can wait downstairs, let's go."

his hand clasped tightly around jungkook's, letting the little sit on the couch which was positioned right in front of the door. yoongi made sure jungkook was preoccupied, turning to namjoon.

"get him his banana milk."

in a few seconds, the carton of milk was in jungkook's hand as he clutched a pink bunny plush in his other, staring at the door with determination. it was as if he was a runner, you opening the door would be the equivalent to the start of the race, and jungkook would have to run as fast as possible to you - the finish line.

jin sighed dramatically, feeling the weight off of his shoulders as he rolled his chair into the kitchen. hoseok and yoongi followed, letting namjoon stay preoccupied with jungkook.

"gosh, i knew he was reliant on her, but this is the worst episode ever." jin said taking a large gulp of water, he was trying to trick himself by thinking it was vodka. he indeed needed a drink, but right now wasn't an appropriate time.

"you know he has like over," hoseok paused thinking of a reasonable number, "200 photos on his phone, only imagine how many he has on his laptop, tablet, and probably has some on his fucking smart watch. knowing him he probably programmed it differently, just for that."

yoongi chuckled dryly, silently pitying jungkook. "he's so dependent, it's scary." he shook his head as if he was disappointed in jungkook.

hoseok and jin looked at each other, then at yoongi and broke out in laughter.

"coming from the guys who used her as your 'muse'." jin exclaimed, hoseok nodding and laughing along with him.

yoongi's face lit up a light pink, "oh whatever, at least i dont lie to her." his clap back made jin roll his eyes.

"we all agreed to this so don't go on bringing up that. that's just you trying to be a hero." jin's snarky comment made yoongi shut up immediately, although the glare he had directed to jin was clear on how he didn't like his snide comment.

"jungkook is just young, that's why. assured, we all acted that way when we were his age."

"pft, at his age i was kil-"

"noona!!~"

the excited squeal cut off jin who sighed heavily once again. wordlessly, they all walked out of the kitchen and into the living room. they saw jungkook holding you close by your waist, resting his head on your shoulder, even if you were noticeably shorter than him.

"hey jungkook." you patted his shoulder in greeting, your other hand being occupied by taehyung's hand. jimin watched the two youngest get most of the attention so he stomped into the kitchen. he grabbed one of your favorite drinks, bringing it out to you in a glass cup.

"here noona, drink this. you must be exhausted." you thanked jimin with a smile, pulling away from jungkook. you took a sip from the drink, looking at all of the expecting males. were they just waiting for you to come home? their eyes were wide, a smile on their lips...resembling puppies almost.

their eager eyes suddenly tore away from you, noticing your questioning eyes. "so..."

"noona let's play games upstairs!"

"y/n wanna check out my studio? i was working on some new tracks, if you're curious to hear some."

"noona, i never got around to showing you my dance performances right?"

you blinked slowly, staring at the individuals who were looking at you expectingly. the grip around your arm and you looked down to see jungkook looking at you with his bright, big doe eyes and lips formed into a pout.

"noona~ please?"

your breath hitched, the sight making your heart stop. the same time, your hand was being pulled in the direction of taehyung. you looked at the younger male.

"noona, you haven't spent much time with me. jungkook can wait, can't he?" taehyung's tone dropped and you could see in your peripheral vision jungkook moving towards his hyung.

"what? what are you getting at, taehyung?"

the other boy's eyebrows raised, shocked at the sudden informal tone jungkook had.

"i'm sayin-"

BZZT. BZZT. BZZT.

there was a vibration coming from your right pocket. so you took ahold of your ringing device, after un-twining your hand out of taehyung's (with his reluctance, of course), and swiped to answer it. you tried turning your body to the side for some privacy, but jungkook's hold didn't loosen a bit.

so you let out a sigh, saying a greeting to whomever was on the other end.

"good afternoon, ms. y/n."

"uhm, hello. who am i speaking to?"

the boys tried acting like they weren't listening in, except for jungkook who was watching you like a hawk. they were either on their phone, playing games, or just looking out the window.

"this is mr. kim, the secretary of mr. park hyung-sik's company, EyeCandy."

the name was familiar, it was one of the biggest companies regarding technology in South Korea. it was a job you had applied to maybe more than 2 months ago. it was a longshot dream you had. they handled many out of the country project and you simply wanted to become one of their translators. it was stupid of you to think you even had a chance. and it was obvious after the ceo had gotten up on a stage in america and by his side was a girl speaking into a microphone.

"ah," you said, not knowing what to think of it, "and why are you calling? sorry for the rudeness, but i can't wrap my head around it...i mean, i applied months ago."

jin's eyebrow raised in question, definitely paying attention now. applied? as in for a job?

"actually, i'm glad to be the bearer of good news, so we would like to say we have accepted you as mr. park's own personal translator."

you blinked once. twice. and thrice, or the third time.

"i'm sorry but, what?"

"come around at 8 am sharp tomorrow if you're interested."

and the line went dead.

"let's go!" jungkook said tugging your arm to go upstairs. but you wouldn't budge. jungkook began whining slightly, but stopped when you looked concerned with something. it seemed safe for him to assume it was regarding whoever you were on the phone with.  

"oh! i remember, hobi," you said looking at the surprised male in question, "your studio. it should be opening in 20 minutes, you asked for me to remind you earlier this morning."

the boys looked at hoseok suspiciously, but he only smiled gratefully. "oh thank you! i really forgot!"

he glanced at the boys, who were staring at him with high suspicion, but he gave no second thought to them, rushing upstairs.

"you know, noona," taehyung looked at you, softness in his eyes and smile, "you can call me tae or taetae if you want."

you smiled at his cute nickname, opening your mouth to respond, but jungkook cut you off.

"goo! kookie! jungkookie! you can call me those names! even bun-bun!"

'really? i would think annoying brat would be more fitting," yoongi thought bitterly, not loving the fact he was still attached to your arm - and the fact you seemed okay with it.

"well, if we're getting familiar with nicknames," yoongi said with a calm voice, "i give you permission to call me yoongs." he already made clear on the first day he wouldn't mind if you called him oppa or yoongs, but he thought restating it would've encouraged you to call him that more often. "oppa is fine too."

jin glared at him for taking the oppa title. "actually, you could call me oppa too, and if you want jinie. seeing as i am the oldest, that title should be reserved for me too." jin threw a glare at yoongi who only rolled his eyes.

you chuckle at the seemingly playful banter, not knowing how competitive they were actually being.

"joonie is cool with me." namjon said casually, walking closer to you. "and actually could i speak to you alone for a moment."

the mention of being alone with namjoon made junkook tighten his grip around you.

"no! noona is going upstairs with me," he declared for what felt like the thousandth time today,

"goo, i swear only 5 minutes. and you can take her upstairs to play overwatch or whatever."

the youngest showed to sign of letting up, until yoongi sighed and walked up to him. "goo, let's go. namjoon needs to talk about someting serious-"

"i am serious!" jungkook said puffing his chest out.

yoongi gritted his teeth, grabbing jungkook by the back of his neck and making him lean down a bit, so he cuold speak very clearly right into his ear.

"jeon, you better stop fucking around and come with me, let namjoon and y/n talk alone - it's something very important. or i swear to god, i'm gonna...beat the shit out of y/n right now, take them away from you, and make sure you never see them again." yoongi's words held no meaning, zero at all, but it got the reaction he wanted. jungkook let go of you, grabbing yoongi by his collar and staring him right into his irises. yoongi could tell how jungkook had switched, snapped, and was angrier than he's ever seen.

"repeat that shit to my face right now." jungkook, rather jeon, was furious. this persona/alter of jungkook was more aggressive than any other alter that jungkook had (at least known by the boys). it was a very, very, very stern rule in the house to not trigger that part of him. it never really ended well, no matter who tried to calm him down. the only way jeon would leave would be if jungkook had gotten sleep or just past out for whatever reason.

"come on," namjoon said, grabbing your wrist to pull you aside. it would be best if you didn't see anything that was about to go down, "there's something important we need to discuss."

you reluctantly let him tug you in the direction of his office. he shut the door behind you, but you flinched when you heard something crash.

"alright, so what i wanted to talk about was regarding your living location..." his voice trailed off, fiddling with some papers in his drawers, "jin and i wanted to know if you would be staying with us or you would be residing back at your apartment?"

this discussion was really supposed to be saved for later, but hearing your phone call and seeing jungkook's unusually clingy attitude, it seemed to be a good time to bring this question upon you. after all, with everything that seems to be happening at this moment, you might even say yes due to the pressure.

you nodded slowly. the decision had to be made, and the pros and cons of your choices were clear. living with the boys would only make your job easier, however it would inconvenience the boys. living by yourself (as you had been living before) would let you not be in anyone's way, however, the commute to the hill would have to happen every day and it sounded tiresome just thinking about it.

"i mean there is no pressure, however, we - as in all 7 of us - want you to know that it would be no problem if you had decided to stay with us. don't think that you would be a burden, you're already helping us so much. it also seems fitting if you're going to be here every day, in the case of an emergency or something," his voice trailed off in the end, noticing how you were in deep thought. he saw the contemplation on your voice and he smirked a bit. he just needed to convince you a little bit...

"and i'm sorry to say this to you - i just need you to know. the youngest ones really do rely on you for a lot of stuff. we need you here on time to be driving them at their designated hours. also...to think about jungkook - he really needs you by his side as well as taehyung. i don't know if you've noticed, but you're one of their calming remedies."

well now you really couldn't say no. to know that you were actually needed, i mean, you knew you were needed but for the sake of the two youngest. being called their remedies. it was like namjoon was planning all of this out only for you to say yes, his wicked and smooth words were very persuading.

and persuaded you were. it was crazy. you had only met the 7 males a mere day ago, but being called one of their calming remedies. if you were needed for an emergency, it would be too late if you were to commute to the hill. so the only option was...

"i guess i should start packing my things up then," you said, almost hesitantly. "i really would hate to burden you guys, but, my job here might be a waste if i would have to commute every day." you smile softly at the pleased man in front of you.

that was step one done and accomplished. everything was going well.

//I called this one pros and cons bc obvs ar the end,,,,but like pros and cons of jungkook is basically why that's the title

bc see hes a cutie wootie patootie, but hes also an annoying lil bitch for his noona ❤🥰 [pros and cons]

[that was a joke lol pls dont take offence]

[^jk finding out his noona is paying more attention to his hyungs]

#yandere bts #yandere imagines #bts imagines #imagines #x reader #yandere x reader #bts x reader #yandere bts imagines #yandere bts ot7 #yandere ot7 #sickly ff #yandere sickly ff #sickly ot7 #bts ot7 imagines #ot7 imagines

[whump-it]

Callum and Rory; A Meta Analysis on Love and Soulmates.

I want to say a big thank you to @pepperonyscience for helping to sign post me for this one.  I was busy talking myself in circles one day about the way in which Callum and Rory love one another when she drew my attention to the seven Greek types of love.  It proved to be a very good focal point.  I am not an expert at all, so any mistakes are my own and my research probably should have been better. I hope I've not talked myself in circles again. So without further ado may I present Callum and Rory; Soulmates.

@haro-whumps @grizzlie70 @castielamigos-whump-side-blog @comfortforthepain @shameless-whumper @iaminamoodymoodtoday @kawaiiloverofanimu @burtlederp @untilthepainstarts @my-whumpy-little-heart @moose-teeth @pepperonyscience @faewhump @saphemme @slaintetowhump @whump-tr0pes

When Alyaa introduces her future husband to them for the first time he asks her when they leave.  “So are they together?”  And Alyaa thinks about this for a moment before telling him that “they’re not NOT together.  Think of them as all the facets of one person, so much so that they had to spill out into two bodies.  They can’t be apart. They exist for each other.”

Rory described it Alyaa during a rather heated exchange when she thought that he might be abusing Callum before she got to really know him.  She had plucked up all her courage and left Callum in her apartment and gone to talk to Rory.  He tried to explain it to her through a state of utter panic that she was trying to take Callum away from him.  He told her that “it was like the universe said ‘hey is this yours?  You should have it back’ when he came to donate.  Like I have an elastic band attached to me and it’s pulled to almost breaking point. Then Cal appears and it’s relaxed.  It’s easy.  It’s perfect.  I didn’t even know how much it hurt until it didn’t anymore.  Then I let him go and all it’s done is hurt ever since.  Please don’t take him away again.”

The first type of Greek love is Eros.  This is a passionate and sexual love, which doesn’t fit with Callum and Rory at all. Whilst they are head over heels for one another, theirs is a deep and calm river, not the love addled passion that comes from one of Cupids arrows.  It’s a slow and sparkling stream, not white water rapids.  They don’t experience a sexual form of love or passion for each other. They do hug.  They hold one another close, play with each other’s hair.  They hold hands and they will kiss.  They gravitate around one another like planets, universally in each other’s orbit forever.

The second type is Philia. This can be described as friendship with shared goodwill.  They certainly have a wonderful friendship and their goodwill to one another knows no bounds. They both carry a huge amount of regret. They both followed rules for their own deeply personal reasons.  It led to problems for them both.  They will happily blame themselves all day long but they have NEVER blamed each other for anything that happened.  The goodwill means that their friendship has strong elements of companionship, trust and dependability.  They are each other’s best companion.  Their trust in one another goes to the moon and back.  Rory will never let Callum down.  Callum will never let Rory down, and that makes them very easy to depend upon. They have everything they need from this friendship.  I would also state here that Alyaa, once she gets on good terms with Rory, is also drawn into this type of love with them.  The third part of them.  Of companionship, trust and dependability.  

The third type is Storge, and this is often seen between a parent and a child.  Or if a relationship begins with the passion and extreme nature of Eros is can burn itself down to storge.  It’s not something that Rory and Callum will experience in their feelings for one another.

The fourth type of love is Agape which constitutes the love that can be felt for nature, for strangers, or for God.  I have previously discussed both Callum and Rory’s relationship with God.  They both believe in their own ways and it is through the deep love that Callum shares with Rory, and the deep friendship that he has with Alyaa that allows him to lean on Gods love in his own way. Without the love of the people in his life, and thanks to Hayden’s rules and shocking treatment of him, he wouldn’t have been able to access God the way that he can now.  And Rory will be able to do the same through watching his Callum grow and develop and change.  How he moves into a state of comfort within himself.  It changes them both.  It reinforces every kind of love that they have for each other, for Alyaa, for nature, for everything.  Rory was lonely and sad before he got Callum back.  He didn’t realise how much he was just existing instead of living.  Now it’s like the ache is gone.  The world is technicolour again.  Rory always wanted to help others, right from his childhood dreams of being a firefighter right through to his work within the Collection Programme.  He just didn’t realise that that was what he was doing.  His loss of Callum, and the years of misery that it brought became normal to him, so much so that he stopped noticing.  He stopped living and just existed.  Now he can give even more back than he ever realised he was capable of. And it’s Callum’s unending love and support for him that has enabled this.

The fifth type is Ludos which is a playful sort of love, often considered to be uncommitted.  Rory and Callum definitely develop a playful sense of relationship over time but their commitment to each other is total and unyielding.  They do certainly develop the teasing nature of this type of love, although it takes time. Callum is nervous and frightened that he will alienate his soulmate if he pushes him too far, and Rory is afraid of upsetting Callum.  So they grow together.  And it works, as evidenced in one of Callum’s favourite pranks on Rory.  When Rory is working in his office Callum likes to sneak up behind him and silently tap the lever that makes his office chair drop right down.  Rory gets his own back one day with the use of a water gun and a strategically placed mirror.  Ludos often descends into sexual activity, but again, this part of this type of love is rejected by both Callum and Rory.  Not through any discussion or forethought, but just naturally this is how their relationship works and develops.  

The sixth type is Pragma, which is almost business-like in its love.  The relationship works to achieve shared goals, or out of duty. Callum and Rory’s relationship is in opposition to this though as they share a deep and abiding sense of love. Not a sense of duty to be together out of what they went through with the Collection Programme.  They are together despite it, not because of it.  

The seventh and final type is Philautia which focusses on self-love.  A sense of high self-esteem is considered to be a healthy form of Philautia.  Hayden, however, had hubris, the unhealthy form of it. He placed himself above all authorities and even God.  He played at being in charge.  Master of all he surveyed.  Together, both Callum and Rory can work to bolster one another’s self-esteem which gives them certainty in each other.  They know beyond any doubt that they are committed entirely to each other. Neither of them is going anywhere. And as such they can immerse themselves in projects and in friendships with other people fearlessly.  It makes them into the best versions of themselves. They don’t require the props that Hayden did in order to feel good about themselves because the love that they share does this for them without needing any external crutches.  It takes time to reach this point because of everything that has damaged them in the past, but together they can reach a point in their lives where they don’t have to fear setbacks when they happen.  They are strong and resilient people.  

Callum and Rory are soulmates.  They really do exist for each other.

#oc callum morrow #oc callum #oc rory linden #oc rory #oc hayden reeve #oc master hayden #oc alyaa ashiq #oc alyaa #box boy #the collection box #box boy au #box boy inspired #collection box #where do people go when they've had enough of their lives? #rory and callum are soulmates #soulmates #whump meta #meta analysis #oc meta analysis #types of love #rory loves callum #callum loves rory

[alxndrlightwoods]

AU List

I keep... casually mentioning planned/plotted fics on twitter and there are so many that even with... all the ones I’ve mentioned... there are so many more. This is happening in installments because this is already super long and... no.

Hallowed Ground - Vampire AU. Jace and Alec are vampires, Magnus is the High Warlock of Brooklyn. Set a bit pre-canon (not quite sure of the timeline). Features 200 year old Jace and Alec. Also, Soulmate AU. Malec with a brief (and skippable) Jalec scene. Jace and Alec, two unknown vampires, show up in New York. Things go strangely for Magnus, and everyone else, from there. Featuring Confident!Alec, Switch!Malec, and the eventual reveal of world shaking secrets. In advance: Nothing about this fic is going to go how you think it’s going to go. (I came to the realisation a while ago that of our longer AUs, Hallowed Ground Alec is the most well adjusted version we have.) This was inspired by Bound in Blood by @shirasade​

fel - Jace figures out Alec is in love with him, intends to desensitise Alec to Jace so Alec will get over him, but instead realises that if he enters into a relationship with Alec, he will... never have to share Alec with anyone and since he’s like 16 and Fucked Up™ and just... like that in canon, he decides that he’s gonna do that instead. Eros is forbidden (although there is no corrupting the bond like in book canon) so they have to keep their relationship a secret, which wears on them greatly. They keep stealing time together until meeting Magnus when they’re 20/21, at which point Alec trades sex with Magnus in exchange for a safe place for them to be together, and eventually Alec enters into a polyamorous relationship with Magnus, with Jace as his primary and with no romantic feelings between Magnus and Jace. Leads up into s1 plotline. Jalec and Malace.

Soul on a Wire - Arranged/Forced Marriage, Arranged/Forced Soul Bond 2x18 AU. Alec makes a deal with the Seelie Queen/the Downworld council for their aid in exchange for [magically] marrying a person of their choice to insure his promise to not keep a secret like he did with the Soul Sword ever again, after Magnus places himself and his warlocks under the Seelie Queen’s protection. (A decision he regrets basically immediately.) (No one expected him to take the deal. Magnus forgot what Alec was like when the lives of his loved ones were on the line, and that’s his mistake.) An exploration of Magnus... realising how badly he fucked up by breaking up with Alec that has immediate and long-reaching consequences that none of them expected and none of them are ok with. Eventual happy ending, although they go through a lot to get there. Contains Jalec using sex as an unhealthy coping mechanism (with Clary’s blessing), Alec/OCs, and (endgame) Malec. This fic is very, very dark. They get an eventual happy ending, but it’s dark as fuck for a long time before that.

Jalec Roleplay AU - I somehow managed to forget/lose the actual plotting I did of the second installment of this, but basically, Jalec are in an established relationship and keep role playing D/s power imbalance scenarios. The two planned ones are:

Alec is a prisoner who tries to trade his body to Jace for protection, and

Jace is a sleeper agent/traitor who got caught. He had previously been in a relationship with/seduced Alec and Alec is guarding him and Jace manipulates him into having sex. Both of these take place in canon timeline and are completely consensual.

Leo Rising - Jace Herondale AU. Inspired by A Political Alliance by @shirasade​. (Again.) Jace is a disaster bisexual who steals the assignment of looking over the New York Institute from Lydia in an attempt to run away from his Grandmother’s matchmaking attempts, gets to the Institute, meets Alec, and immediately (internally, of course) goes “I am going to marry that boy.” It’s. Look. D/s and angst is our brand, as I mentioned on twitter earlier — it’s a lot darker than the fic that inspired it. Alec jumps into bed with Jace while thinking that Jace is here to sign his execution warrant and he... doesn’t think that sleeping will Jace will change anything, he just wants to make one bad decision for himself since everyone else’s decisions landed him in this mess. Fortunately for him, Jace fell head over heels in love with him about 10 minutes after they met and has no intention of letting Alec be executed. He also can’t believe Alec was a virgin. Was, because, you know, he immediately fixed that. (Alec asked. Alec climbed into his lap and went “Fuck me” and it took all of Jace’s willpower to not just fuck him on the floor of the training room.) So when Alec’s parents push for a wedding [to a woman] to save the Lightwood name, Jace jumps all over that. Eventually Malace because Jace is so damn thankful that he’s not the only sane man in existence — (How else do you explain no one going after Alec?) — and Magnus is more than happy to date both of them. Please imagine Alec and his two chaotic bisexual boyfriends, its great. Featuring well adjusted Jace (or at least... more than in canon) because he was raised by his Grandmother and she loves him more than words.

Akmangus - Book!Magnus shows up in show!Verse after an AU version of their canonical book breakup. (Alec ends up being killed by Camille, who had planned to break Malec up, turn Alec, and with Alec’s help continue to torment Magnus forever—) He’s really fucked up. Show!Alec takes one look at him and goes “Mine now.” Both Magnus’s are fine with this, especially after Mags (book!Magnus) corrects a few... misconceptions... Magnus has about Alec. The plot is basically Alec going: I'm dating Magnus. There’s just two of him now. There’s like no point to this other than to do something nice for book!Magnus and give Alec two versions of his boyfriend. Also a convo that happens — Mags: I met you when you were 17 Alec: imagining being 17 and meeting Magnus Alec: Oh my god Mags: Yeah it was sinfully easy to convince you to crawl into my lap Magnus: I'm. So jealous right now

Fetch - a 2x18-20 AU, where Alec doesn’t approach Magnus in 2x20 and Magnus doesn’t take the first step, and Alec ends up doing parkour in a Downworlder parkour course in the Unseelie realm, until Arawn, who saw Alec and went “Hmmm pretty” offers him full protection in his realm if will use sex with him instead of parkour as his coping mechanism for dealing with his feelings. Also he’s been considering sending a rep to the Downworld Council, isn’t that nice? And so Alec starts taking all his fucked up feelings about Magnus via sex with Arawn, because Alec will never be over Magnus, and Magnus doesn’t want him, he loved Alec but it wasn’t enough— And then the Council finds out about Alec’s arrangement with Arawn and comes to the conclusion that Alec is paying for the Unseelie King’s involvement with sex and it all devolves, badly, from there. Heavily features a new exploration of dominion magic, Alec letting Arawn give him bad [sub]drops in an attempt to feel things, and Magnus and Alec slowly repairing their relationship and getting back together. To note, this fic is super fucked up. In a fun way, but super fucked up.

#jalec #malec #malace #shadowhunters #projects #hallowed ground #fel #leo rising #fetch #akmagnus #soul on a wire #soaw

[splendidlyimperfect]

Gray hasn’t seen Natsu in years - not since he moved away with his boyfriend Joel and Natsu stopped texting him. A chance run-in at a bar brings Natsu back into Gray’s life, but the encounter puts Gray in danger when Joel finds out. Natsu quickly realizes that Gray’s stuck in a cycle of violence, and wants to help him escape. But leaving isn’t that easy, and sometimes loving someone might not be enough.

Chapter Summary: Natsu takes Gray to the hospital, and Gray has to decide if he's ready for help.

Chapters (19/22):  1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12| 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 Rating: Mature Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Natsu Dragneel/Gray Fullbuster, Gray Fullbuster/Original Male Character(s) Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Rape/Non-con Elements, Rape Aftermath, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Natsu just wants to help, but Gray feels like he can’t leave, Non-Linear Narrative, Trans Character, Tumblr: FTLGBTales, ftlgbtpride2019, Coming Out, First Love, Angst with a Happy Ending, I promise

**TW for discussion of abuse/rape/noncon

-----

it’s hard to love with a heart that’s hurting  

cour· age | \ ˈkər-ij noun : mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty

.

xviii november .

Gray doesn’t talk on the way to the hospital. All he can do is grip Natsu’s hand as hard as he can and focus on not throwing up again. He’s cold and sore and exhausted, and no matter how far he presses himself back into the seat, he still feels exposed and defenseless.  

When they pull into the  ER parking lot, Gray lets go of Natsu’s hand and wraps his arms around himself. “I’m sorry,” he whispers as a wave of guilt washes over him. “I didn’t—I’m sorry.”  

“Don’t apologize,” Natsu says gently as he turns off the car and turns to look at Gray. “I’m really proud of you. I know you weren’t ready.”  

I was never going to be ready, Gray thinks.  

Gray tries to pull in on himself, but everything aches and he winces, shifting uncomfortably. He can feel Natsu studying him out of the corner of his eye, and Gray wishes he could disappear.  

“We need to get you checked out,” Natsu says after a minute. Gray reaches up and tries to pull his torn shirt back into place to cover up the red marks on his neck.  

“’m fine,” he says automatically, but his voice is raspy and he starts to cough. His throat hurts so badly that tears well up in his eyes.  

“No, you’re not,” Natsu says, reaching out and putting his hand between them –  an offer, not a demand. Gray doesn’t take it. “Gray, it—”  

“He didn’t mean to,” Gray interrupts, because that’s what he’s always said, and if it’s not true, then that means that…  

“Yes, he did,” Natsu says, voice gentle  but firm. “It wasn’t an accident, and I know that you know that.”  

Gray groans, pressing his forehead to the window. He’s so tired, and all he can think about is Joel waking up without him, wondering where he is.  

“I… this was a mistake,” he whispers, and he can’t stop himself from shaking, no matter how hard he tries. The words are spilling from them and they aren’t even his. They’re Joel’s words, even here, even after Gray has left. “I have to go back, I have to—I can make it right.”  

Natsu shakes his head. “You can’t make it right,” he says, “because you didn’t do anything wrong.”  

Continue reading on AO3

Tears spill down Gray’s cheeks and he wipes at his face, wincing when he brushes over his bloody nose. Everything hurts, and he’s trying so hard to push it away like he always does, but he can’t. It’s all raw and ragged like the edges of the cut from the bar fight, but there’s nothing he can do to stitch it back together.  

He swallows, then reaches out tentatively and takes Natsu’s hand.  

“I’m so, so glad you texted me,” Natsu said, running his thumb over Gray’s fingers. “I know you’re scared, and I know you think you should go back, but he could have killed you.”  

“He wouldn’t,” Gray whispers, but the words are weak and he doesn’t believe them.  

“Maybe not tonight,” Natsu says. “But he’s dangerous, and you deserve better.”  

Gray takes a shaky breath, looking between Natsu and the pale white of the neon sign for the emergency department. If he goes in there, if he tells them, he can’t go back.  

“Gray, look at me,” Natsu says, squeezing his hand. Gray wants to be stubborn and keep staring out the window, but Natsu’s voice is so soft that he can’t help looking over. “There you go.” The smile Natsu gives Gray makes him feel a little bit less lost. “I know this is really hard and scary, but I’m gonna be right here with you for as much as you want me to be, okay?”  

A quiet sob breaks from Gray’s chest and he squeezes Natsu’s hand, trying to keep himself here. It hurts - not just his body, but a deep, heavy ache in his chest that makes him feel like he’s drowning.  

He wants to leave himself, not feel anything, but he can’t.  

“Please don’t go,” he whispers around the tears as Natsu lets go of his hand and gets out of the car.  

“I’m not,” Natsu says, coming around to Gray’s side and opening his door. He reaches out for Gray, letting Gray be the one to take his hands. When Gray stands up, he nearly collapses, and Natsu catches him, holding him gently by his forearms.

Gray hesitates because everything hurts, and if nobody touches him, it can’t get worse. But he’s tired and terrified, so he leans into Natsu, letting out another sob when warm arms wrap around him and Natsu presses his face into Gray’s hair. Gray grips Natsu’s shirt tightly, shaking against him while Natsu makes soft, comforting noises.  

“I’m not gonna leave,” Natsu whispers, kissing the top of Gray’s head and letting Gray fall apart in his arms. “I promise. I’m never going to leave you again.”    

-----

Doris is working again, and when she takes Gray into the back, she glares suspiciously at Natsu.  

“It wasn’t him,” Gray says quietly, staring at the floor. Doris squeezes his hands, then nods for Natsu to come sit next to Gray while she starts checking him over. 

There’s not much she can do. He doesn’t need any more stitches, and all she can do for the multitude of bruises is give him ice and painkillers.  

He lets her see all of the injuries and write them down on her clipboard, never looking at her. Natsu holds his hand the whole time, keeping him grounded, keeping him here and protected and safe.    

“Did someone do this to you?” Doris asks, just like the last time.

Gray’s fingers tighten around Natsu’s, and for a terrifying second he wants to say no, wants to change his mind, play it off as a one-time thing because Joel’s a good person, he just had too much to drink.  

I know what it’s like to love somebody so much that you want them to be the best thing in the world for you, even when they’re not.  

“Yes,” Gray says instead.  

Everything after that is a blur of phone calls and voices that Gray doesn’t listen to. It’s hazy and vague and when Natsu helps him up from the chair, Gray can barely feel anything at all.  

Doris moves them to another room that’s smaller and carpeted and has a couch instead of hard plastic chairs, and drapes a blanket over Gray’s shoulders.  

“Do you want me to stay?” Natsu asks, crouching down in front of Gray. Gray grips his hand tightly and nods, and when Natsu sits down next to him, Gray presses himself up against Natsu’s side. Natsu carefully puts his arm around Gray, rubbing his shoulder as he shakes.  

“You’re gonna be okay,” Natsu whispers. “I’m here, I’m not gonna leave you.”  

It seems like a lifetime before somebody knocks on the door. Gray looks up to see Sting in the doorway, accompanied by an older female officer that Gray doesn’t recognize.  

“Hey,” Sting says gently, crouching down next to the couch. “How’re you doin’?”  

Gray shrugs. Everything feels unreal, like he’s made of nothing but occasional sparks of pain.  

“I know it hurts, but I’m proud of you,” Sting says gently. His expression isn’t one of pity or judgement or disbelief – it’s understanding. Solidarity. “We’re gonna do everything we can to help, okay? Do you know where Joel is right now?”  

“Home,” Gray says, staring at the badge on Sting’s uniform. “When... he passed out. Drunk. Probably still asleep.”  

“Does he have any weapons in the house?” Sting asks.  

“I... don’t think so.”  

Natsu rubs his thumb back and forth over Gray’s shoulder, and Gray focuses on that, on the pattern, on the way it doesn’t hurt.  

“He... Bella.” Gray’s throat tightens and it’s not just the bruises. “My dog, she...” He rubs his face. “I had to leave, she... s-saved me, and I just, I left her, and...”  

The tears that were previously numbed away appear again, and Gray rests his head against Natsu’s shoulder.  

“I’m going to do everything I can to help you, and her,” Sting says, then squeezes Gray’s knee and stands up. He moves toward the door, reaching for the radio on his shoulder.  

“Dispatch, this is Eucliffe, requesting officers at 6 Willowdale Crescent for domestic disturbance and assault. I’m with the vic at the hospital, suspect is possibly under the influence and potentially violent, uncertain if weapons are present on the premises.”  

There’s a staticky response as Sting leaves the room, but Gray can’t focus on what they’re saying.  

… domestic disturbance... assault... violent...  

The sound of a chair scraping along the floor makes Gray jump, and Natsu squeezes his hand reassuringly. When Gray looks up, the female officer is sitting in front of him, holding a notepad and smiling apologetically.  

“My name’s Kelly,” she says. “Is it okay if I ask you some questions?”  

Gray nods, staring down at his bitten nails.  

“I know you’re probably really tired,” Kelly says gently. “I’m sorry that we have to do this now, but we need to know as much as possible so we can help keep Joel away from you. Do you think you can tell me what happened?”  

This is the precipice, and Gray has to decide whether or not he wants to jump.  

“My... he...” Gray swallows, then squeezes Natsu’s hand tightly and starts again. “Joel attacked me.” He brings his hand up to the red marks on his neck. “He choked me. I... he was drunk.” Nothing feels real. “He... the bedroom, he p-pushed me...”  

He can feel the ghost of Joel’s breath on his neck, Joel grinding against him, Joel biting his lip until it bled.  

Natsu runs his thumb up and down Gray’s arm, and it draws Gray back into the room.  

“He t-tried...” The words are stuck. He tried to rape me. Gray just has to say them, but he can’t. “H-he... I...”  

“Did he sexually assault you?” Kelly asks, voice soft.  

There. She said the words for him. “He tried to,” Gray says quietly. “I... I got away and hid in the bathroom.”    

Natsu makes a soft, sad sound, and holds Gray a little bit tighter.  

“Has Joel physically injured you before?” Kelly asks.  

“Yes.”  

“How many times has Joel hurt you?”  

Gray almost wants to laugh at the absurdity of the question. “Lots,” he says.  

“Can you estimate?” Kelly asks. “How often does it happen?”  

Gray leans into Natsu. “We’ve been together – we were together for five years,” Gray says. Now that he’s admitted it, said it out loud, it doesn’t seem as impossible for them to believe him. “N-not often at first. But, um… at least once a week. Or couple of weeks.”  

“Has he ever forced you to be intimate before tonight?”  

Gray nods, then turns and presses his face into Natsu’s shoulder. Natsu wraps his arm around Gray, kissing his head and whispering, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”  

There are more questions – how did you get that injury? Can we take pictures of the bruises? When did this happen? Did he use any weapons? Gray answers them as best he can, but the more he talks, the more his throat hurts, and the more the exhaustion pulls down on him.  

Natsu offers to leave the room while Kelly photographs all the injuries, but Gray can’t let go of his hand. If Natsu stops holding onto him, Gray will turn into a thousand tiny pieces of nothing and will never be able to put himself back together.  

“I know lots of people have probably told you this before,” Kelly says after she’s finished photographing and filling out the report, “but this isn’t your fault. Do you have somewhere safe to stay?”  

Natsu immediately nods, squeezing Gray’s hand. “We’re gonna stay with Sting and Rogue tonight,” he says to Gray. “So we don’t have to drive all the way back to my place. Is that okay?”  

At this point, Gray can’t do anything but nod.  

-----

Gray falls asleep in the car on the way to Sting and Rogue’s place. He barely wakes up when they arrive, and Natsu wraps an arm around his waist to help him to the guest bedroom.  

“You with me?” Natsu asks softly, crouching down in front of where Gray’s sitting on the bed. Gray slowly drags his gaze up to Natsu’s and gives a half-hearted nod. Natsu’s holding a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie, and he sets them next to Gray. “Those are Rogue’s, they should fit you – I'm gonna go get your stuff from the restaurant tomorrow.”  

Gray reaches out slowly and touches the clothes, then looks back at Natsu. “I...” He’s so tired, and talking hurts his throat, but he manages to whisper, “stay?”  

Natsu takes Gray’s hand, bringing it up to his lips and kissing Gray’s knuckles. “You sure?” he asks. “I can pull out some blankets and sleep on the floor if—”  

Gray shakes his head. “I need...” He sighs, rubbing his face.  

Natsu nods. “Do you wanna get changed and I’ll come back?”  

Everything hurts, and Gray’s pretty sure he can’t do it by himself. “Help?”  

Natsu’s hands are gentle as he runs them up Gray’s arms, giving Gray plenty of time to pull away before he undoes the buttons on Gray’s ripped shirt, pushing it back over his shoulders. “Okay?” he asks as he guides Gray’s arms into the hoodie, careful to avoid the worst of the bruises. Gray nods.  

Once Gray’s changed, he curls up on the bed and Natsu lays down beside him, resting his hand between them for Gray to take. Instead, Gray shifts closer, wrapping  Natsu’s arm around him and pressing his face to Natsu’s chest.  

“I love you so much,” Natsu whispers. “And that can mean whatever you need it to mean.”    

Gray bunches Natsu’s shirt in his fingers and tucks a leg between Natsu’s, getting as close as he can. Part of him knows he shouldn’t want this, not after what Joel did, but all he wants is to feel safe, and Natsu is the safest place he knows.  

Natsu starts humming softly, running his fingers lightly up and down Gray’s back, kissing his forehead, holding him close. The last thing Gray remembers thinking before he falls asleep is that he can handle the world if all that’s in it is the circle of Natsu’s arms.  

#fairy tail #ftlgbtales #ftlgbtfics #ftlgbtpride2019 #day 20 #gratsu #natray #gray x natsu #gray fullbuster #natsu dragneel #update #new chapter #prompt #my fic

[tremendouspeachduck]

2 Things You Must Know About  the REPUBLICAN, AMERICAN INDIAN

No.  Really?

above car - 1933 Chevy 3-window coup w/rumble seat

Do you think Pres. Trump is a bully, I don’t.  Why?

Talking about the “War on Men” …  5 touchy subjects   …

Abortion – should the man have an opinion and be able to voice it?

Free Birth Control    HERE    and    HERE   ***   Please notice, abortion is not listed as a birth control option

Pres Trump would have never won if it weren’t for the black vote  

See Video                                  and this video too       don’t forget this one

Men seem to take it to a whole other level.  The Bible has something to reveal about name calling.  Also, the systematic criticism and self-doubt are what takes it from name calling to verbal abuse – it’s a repeated pattern that, over time, can make the victim believe the insults, making it harder for them to leave (“no one will love me because they said so”).

Beyond name calling, abusers may belittle their partner, either privately publicly, or disguise disparaging comments in jokes. This can be followed up by more judgment and criticism (“You’re too sensitive”) or acting as those what they’ve said is trivial (“I was only joking”). Other examples of name calling include putting someone down, making them feel guilty, or embarrassing and humiliating them.

Healthy relationships don’t use name calling to resolve conflict or express love. Both partners make the other one feel good about themselves. It’s relaxing and fun, and neither tries to “prove” they are the only ones that will ever love them. Instead, each partner sets boundaries on what’s acceptable behavior, including what nicknames or jokes are okay.

Can you think of a great sight to see walking in the city? Click to see it

Recognizing these early warning signs can make the difference between staying in an unhealthy relationship that worsens over time, or ending it and being in one that’s healthy.

Should men care about your makeup?  The correct answer is “yes,”  if it makes the woman happy.  Lips and the smile are what is very appealing to a man.

How to support a woman’s period?  No rude comments about what’s in the trash bin, about her being moody… no jokes, no nothing.  It’s ok to make her laugh, laughter is good medicine BUT do not joke about it being “that time of the month again”.

By knowing her cycle, you can be more aware and sensitive to her changing moods and physical discomfort. This develops a deeper trust as your woman knows you are really present with what she is experiencing. Put it in your calendar so you have a heads up.

Interestingly, having an orgasm can relieve menstrual cramps, though your attitude during the whole cycle will determine whether or not she’s willing to explore this. Again , this is probably best to bring up when she isn’t in the middle of it.

She may act like she doesn’t want you there, but remember she may actually desire some TLC. Your full presence is the best medicine. She will love you for this!

Help create a cozy environment for her, and cook her comfort food. Hugs are also great.  The main thing is to not be an ass. (closing down and or not wanting to deal is being an ass)

Finding ways to be positive is the key to building a healthy body image and positive self-esteem.  What we read and watch has a huge impact on how we feel about ourselves. Because of this, we should be very particular about the magazines and websites we will look at.  We might love reading about the interesting things that people, and women in particular, accomplish.  Shopping centers aren’t only sucking your money, they are also sink holes for body confidence. Getting caught up in a conversation about the way someone else looks, whether they have put on weight and so on, inevitably leads to thoughts on our own appearance.  Don’t participate.  Touch is an incredibly powerful way of reinforcing the way you feel about your body. And if you’re touched gently, with love and care, you will feel incredible. So, try to practice gentle love and care with yourself. Wash your hair the way the hairdresser did. Wash your face the way a beauty therapist would. Give yourself a massage when you’re applying moisturizer. It feels good. And it reinforces a positive, kind relationship with your body.  Meditation is an incredibly effective tool for clearing away unhelpful thought cycles. 10 minutes. 5 minutes. 1. Whatever. Just sit, close your eyes and breathe.

Eating respectfully means accepting and being mindful of the nutrients that your body requires to function. It means eating plenty of good food and ditching sugary and pretend foods that compromise our digestive health, our hormonal balance, our mood and energy levels.  The flip side of eating respectfully is to move past the binge-fast guilt cycle. If you eat something unhealthy, please don’t punish yourself or try to restrict caloric intake. Healthy eating and body respect is not about food deprivation. It’s about food celebration.  When you look in the mirror, try to replace any negative thoughts that are pushing their way through with an affirming thought about the way you look or feel.

People who have purpose are too busy getting stuff done to worry about how they look. In the end, creative expression, passionate parenting, effective leadership and growing the best-goddamn-tomatoes-in-the-neighborhood is far more satisfying than making sure you look good in an outfit at all times.

Positive self-image is a habit, not an attribute and your partner can be helpful.

This is an excerpt from my post: THE IROQUOIS CONFEDERACY: THE “SAVAGE” EMPIRE.

The Haudenosaunee (Iroquois: Mohawk, Seneca, Oneida, Onondaga and Cayuga) really cherished population stability. Being that their population was so limited and ever diminishing due to disease outbreaks and near constant conflicts, the Haudenosaunee highly preferred losing as few men as possible. They usually evaded fighting armies that outnumbered theirs as well as avoiding fortified enemy positions and fighting pitched battles. The Haudenosaunee (Iroquois) preferred instead to employ ambushes, strike preemptively, and launch lightning fast raids under the cover of darkness. The Haudenosaunee would travel deep into enemy territory in very large numbers to scare off potential enemies from attacking them before breaking up into smaller war parties, after which these war parties would utilize swift and stealthy attacks usually in the form of ambushes or night raids.

Closer Look by Doug Hall.

Another tactic the Haudenosaunee (Iroquois) employed was after traveling by way of canoes under the cover of night they would place rocks in the canoes to weigh them down and cause them to sink out of sight They would then speedily assault the enemy in coordinated attacks, vanish back into the wilderness and return to their canoes before the enemy had enough time to recuperate, assemble and counterattack. With the deadliness of firearms introduced into the equation, the Natives learned to fire at enemies from behind the cover of trees instead of the European practice of firing coordinated volleys from fixed formations.

One Step at a Time by Doug Hall.

One disadvantage the Haudenosaunee (Iroquois) had over the Euro-American colonies was that Native populations were constantly diminishing and fluctuating. The Euro-American colonies surrounding them, on he other hand, were growing and receiving a constant flow of immigrants with the occasional military reinforcement from Europe. The limited number of Natives as well as their fear of dying and becoming lost souls, urged them to retreat from battle more readily than Euro-American forces – even after just a few casualties. They used safer methods of combat like the previously mentioned ambushes, night raids, espionage, and scorched earth tactics: destroying their settlements or crops in order to retreat and deprive the enemy of shelter or resources.

A Quick Glance by Doug Hall.

The Natives that wanted to lead a proposed raid against a perceived enemy would send a messenger with tobacco tasked with expressing the purpose and details of the mission, asking them to join their cause. The Haudenosaunee (Iroquois) who decided to engage in said raid would first take part in the smoking of a pipe filled with tobacco. Before leaving for the raid there would be a feast and dancing, during the ‘Dog (War) Feast’ the warriors would engage in a ceremony called the ‘striking-the-warpost’ where they would sing war songs, dance, and boast about their military exploits. After each achievement is mentioned the warrior strikes a red-painted post with their weapon (club or hatchet), the young Natives that had yet to have achieved any great feats simply danced and struck the warpost once.

A Moment Away by David Wright.

If these young Natives had proven themselves to be brave warriors during their expedition they would be seen as men and accepted as a warrior by being given their first feather. These young braves could also attain higher status, honor and prestige. I read of one story of an elder who joined in but in place of dancing he performed an awe inspiring passionate reenactment of his life as a warrior, a deep performance that displayed an array of emotions as he described all that he had experienced and accomplished throughout his lifetime.

man on right - Carson Cooper is a member of the Tlingit and Haida tribes and an Alaska native. Lee Redeye (on left) is a member of the Seneca tribe and was raised on the reservation in Irving and in New Mexico. Both attorneys are relatively new to the law firm Lippes Mathias Wexler Friedman LLP , with Cooper having joined in 2017 and Redeye earlier this year.  

Another attorney, Owen Herne, branched out on his own after beginning his career in corporate counsel for a tribe. He is a member of the Mohawk tribe and runs Herne Law PLLC.

These  three local attorneys in Buffalo, NY took different paths to focus on Indian law, but they share a bond in the desire to build careers around their ancestry.

The Jogah, or Jungies, are a race of small humanoid nature spirits from Iroquois folklore, sometimes referred to in English as “dwarves” or “pygmies.” They are usually invisible but sometimes reveal themselves to humans

After nightfall, the call of the Whip-poor-will signals their arrival.  It is important to leave baskets of food, such as corn cakes and berries, or even meat in the woods for them. Those who see the Little People should not look directly at them, they think it’s rude. If they catch you staring, they might point a finger at you, rooting you to the ground, while they take your belongings. Another rule is don’t speak of them in the summer, when they are most active.

At this time of Bad Spirits, there lived a medicine woman. One night, during a terrible storm, she heard the whip-poor-will. When she looked outside, the bird wasn’t to be found, but a small boy stood in the rain on her doorstep. It turned out he was a grown Jogah, who told her to come help someone who was sick. Though the storm was fierce, he led her through the woods a long way.

Suddenly, the storm seemed to stop as they began to descend into the ground. They were in the realm of the Little People. Weegun led her to a beehive shaped chamber of rocks. Inside, a very old woman lay in bed, very ill. The Makiawisug told the medicine woman that this was Granny Squannit, who must be made well. Granny Squannit is very powerful, and she is known to cause storms when she argues with her husband. Her illness was the reason for this storm. Worse, healers often look to Granny Squannit when the need is dire for help in healing, and here she was the one who was sick. The medicine woman treated Granny Squannit for nearly a moon before she got better. In return for restoring Granny Squannit’s health, the Makiawisug gave the medicine woman a basket of gifts and told her to remember them. She was blindfolded and taken back home.

Only when she returned did she open the basket. Inside were quartz crystals, painted skins and bunches of herbs.

People in the USA have natives who are very spiritual living maybe next door.  Embrace your neighbor - let’s get back to our community roots.

Community involvement is the solution to mass murder/shootings

Close your eyes, lean head back on pillow or head-rest, take deep breaths and listen to the story unfold         Special Cherokee Nation Song video

nice fire & listen to music flute music vid   Do you want to learn the Mohawklanguage?      the sacred horse song    See  My fav horse

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#american indian #ai #iroquois #south dakota #tamara st #tamara #politics