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amphibious-entity · 3 years

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TMBS Book 1 Brain Dump

~An Embarrassingly Long Post~

I don’t know why I’m writing this or why I’m so determined to do it. Maybe to finally assume my true form and become a mega dork on main, or maybe just for fun!

This is basically a compilation of all the main points running through my head after reading The Mysterious Benedict Society (2007) for the first time. Rather than posting a ton and spamming the tag, everything’s here in one neat package! (hopefully this gets it all out of my system rip)

Contents:

The Book Itself

The Book Itself, for real this time

The Characters

A Funny Parallel

The S.Q. Section

Lines & Scenes I Liked

Spoilers abound!

The Book Itself

Upon acquiring the first three books (don’t judge me pls), I was surprised at just how long they are. Like, they’re still pretty light being paperbacks and all, but these books are hefty lads.

The first book has this Disney+ Original Series circle thing printed on it, which is kind of unfortunate. Regardless, I love the cover illustration and yellow is actually my favorite color :D It made me weirdly quite happy whenever I saw the book lying around in my room

Also, it’s really cute how there’s a letter from Mr. Benedict at the end! (It only reveals that you can find out his first name if you “know the code”, meaning the bit of Morse printed below the summary on the back.) Shock and horror, though, as I realized I’m starting to recognize some of the letters

The Book Itself, for real this time

It’s wonderful how the tone of the book really shone through to the show adaptation. Something about the deliberateness of the aesthetic, from the set designs to the fashion to scene compositions, that really sells that particular style— like it’s very clear that this story is being told to us, rather than one we’re seeing unfold, if that makes sense.

Where that narration style stood out to me the most was the first chapter. We are told (rather than shown) how Reynie gets himself to the point of the second test, and there’s this whole twisty time maneuver for that whole sequence of events that’s really interesting

A super secret fun fact about me is that I wanted to be a writer when I was younger! So this particular balance of show vs. tell is really neat, since it runs counter to my own tendencies. The sheer amount of commas in every sentence is also kind of comforting, since Ahah, I Do That in those few serious-ish attempts at writing lol

Overall this book’s style reminds me a lot of Roald Dahl’s books, which are very nostalgic for me :D The whole “kids are more competent than adults” angle helps a lot too haha

The Characters

Oh boy here’s where I get a little bit critical! Overall I did really like this book!! it’s just that that expresses itself in all this weird “”analysis”” lol

Reynie - much better in the books than in the show

It’s sort of a lukewarm take but I feel like show!Reynie is kind of boring? He doesn’t have a lot going on flaw-wise, and obviously since he’s the protagonist he can’t have too many weird traits or else the kids watching can’t project themselves onto him as easily

(I call it the difference between an aspirational protagonist and a vessel protagonist. Going off of the Roald Dahl vibes, think Matilda vs Charlie. show!Reynie is more of a Charlie)

Thus when we get to see him really struggle with the Whisperer and doubt himself it gives him a lot more dimension, at least in my opinion

It is a federal crime that the white knight scenes were not adapted into the show

Sticky - my son

I’ve long held to no one besides myself and my long suffering sister that Sticky is The Best Member of the Society

He happened to hit a lot of the Bingo squares of Stuff I Like In Characters: glasses, anxious, nice :), kind of a coward but ultimately is there for his friends, etc

For some reason I don’t talk about him nearly as much as you-know-who, but I love him just as dearly

Kate & Constance - I don’t have much to say

Kate is really interesting in this book! I like how we get to see more of her depths, in particular that one passage about her belief that she is invincible being the only thing that keeps her from falling apart? :c

Also her constant fidgeting is relatable lol

Constance is somehow a lot more tolerable in the book. I think I’m just one of those people with no patience for small children, unfortunately lol

(Some of) The Adults

It’s interesting that they had such an offscreen presence for most of the book. Giving them more time was probably one of the stronger changes of the show

However if that decision was made at the expense of the white knight scenes I think the choice should have been clear

I like the way Rhonda and Number Two are written

Milligan always on sad boy hours 😔✊

The “mill again” passage is touching but kind of messes up the pacing of the getaway, at least for me. Maybe I should read it again to make sure I didn’t miss something

Miss Perumal is much better in the show. We see so little of her in the book she doesn’t function well as an emotional anchor for Reynie, imo

The Institute Gang

Jackson and Jillson serve their purpose well, and Martina was surprising to say the least. I like the direction they took her in the show! I can’t imagine how funny it must have been to watch the tetherball subplot come out of nowhere lolol

These sections were written out of sequence, so random tidbit I couldn’t fit in The S.Q. Section: I like how he stumbles over his words. relatable

Mr. Curtain

While I think I know why they decided to not give Curtain the wheelchair in the show, we were totally robbed of Actor Tony Hale’s performance for the reveal during the final confrontation

Speaking of the wheelchair, it’s such a powerful symbol of his need for control or rather, his fear of losing it

The Contrast between him and Mr. Benedict. This point is expanded on in A Funny Parallel

Mr. Benedict

Oh boy, Mr. Benedict… How do I say this

I find it hard to trust Mr. Benedict, unfortunately

I mean to say, I do in the sense that I know he would never hurt the kids, thanks to knowing that a) this is a children’s book series and b) the meta (tumblr) states that he is really nice and lovable and stuff, but seriously. Why do the kids trust him at first?? I probably missed something somewhere

I like to think I’m an optimistic person, but unfortunately I’m also super paranoid. The premise of “a bunch of vulnerable orphans team up with a strange old man” is just so odd to me I don’t know how to explain it

I don’t know!!! I really want to trust Mr. Benedict

One of the strengths of the show is that we get to see him more often, and thus he gets to acknowledge more often that the plan is weird and that he feels really badly for putting the kids in danger and that he’s trustworthy and genuine

But his lack of presence for most of the book just makes him into something of a specter, invisible and unknowable, speaking only in riddles from across the bay

Which is why the white knight scene is so important!! I loved that scene ;-;

Because here’s an actual emotional connection! We can actually see it happening, rather than only being told that it exists

Reynie asking for advice and receiving encouragement, in words that demonstrate that Mr. Benedict actually cares about him and worries about him and agghh

It is a federal crime that the white knight scenes were not adapted into the show

But overall this whole issue didn’t ruin my enjoyment of the book at all! It’s just ->

A Funny Parallel

Okay, ready for my biggest brain, hottest take ever??

Mr. Benedict and Mr. Curtain…. are… the same

I mean obviously not entirely, given that one is benevolent and kind and the other is… Mr. Curtain

But seriously. Genius old man seeks out children (mainly orphans) to enact a plan. Said children often end up incredibly devoted to his cause and deeply admire him this is a little flimsy

Undoubtedly that’s intentional and is supposed to show the difference between them, like some kind of cautionary tale? “Let yourself be vulnerable and let others help you, lest you turn eeeeviiillll”

I guess that’s where the aforementioned epic contrast comes in. You get Mr. Curtain, strapped into his wheelchair and hiding behind those mirrored sunglasses, terrified (but unwilling to admit it) of ever showing the tiniest hint of vulnerability, vs. Mr. Benedict, who can let himself fall knowing that someone will catch him :’)

Anyhow I have nothing against the parallels, I just think it’s funny

The S.Q. Section

The S.Q. Quarantine Thread so it doesn’t leak out everywhere else <3

I’d like to meet the emo angstlord genius who read this book and decided to make SQ into Dr. Curtain’s son. What in the world

Okay I should probably preface this by saying that I absolutely adore both book!S.Q. and show!SQ with all my heart. Somehow, despite being a completely different character in both mediums, he has managed to be one of the best characters in either and certainly one of my favorites (besides Sticky of course) in the entire franchise, despite the fact that I’ve only read the first book/watched the show so far. I am confident in this statement.

But seriously! How?? Why?? I could probably write a whole other essay about why show!SQ is such an interesting character, and the change works so incredibly well. I’m just. Baffled

Okay, focus. book!S.Q. is such a sweetheart, oh my goodness. Like, 100% one of the most endearing characters in the book. Poor guy. I don’t even know where to start!!

He just seems to be a genuinely good guy at heart, despite being technically one of the bad guys. He’s genuinely happy for Reynie and Sticky when they became Messengers and helped Kate when she “fell” and was concerned about Constance when she looked sick and how he was in that meeting with Mr. Curtain and Martina?!!? aaahhhhghgh ;-; he just wants people to be happy TT-TT

Comparing him against literally every character at the Institute is probably what makes him so endearing tbh. When everyone else is so awful to the kids, it really makes him stand out. Like a cheerful little nightlight in the worst, most humid and rank bathroom you’ve ever been in

It’s kind of pointless to theorize about a book series that’s already concluded (I think?) but. Is the implication of S.Q.’s forgetfulness supposed to be that Mr. Curtain used him in brainsweeping experiments somehow? The timeline probably definitely absolutely doesn’t line up but like. How did he get to being a Messenger being the way he is now, given how cutthroat the process is? And then of course Mr. Curtain keeps him around as an Executive because he’s fun to mess with and presumably his loyalty. I’m very curious as to how their relationship develops in the other books, if at all. Those are probably where the seeds of the “let’s make them family” logic were planted

But wouldn’t it be hilarious if the reason we don’t know what “S.Q.” stands for in the books is that he just. Forgot

Another thing that occurred to me. Given that he and the other Executives were Messengers at some point, what were their worst fears? What is S.Q.’s worst fear?? Inquiring minds need to know

One last horrible little anecdote: I was thinking about book!S.Q. while eating breakfast, as one does, and suddenly it hit me.

I want to believe The Author Trenton Lee Stewart had the name for a character, S.Q. Pedalian, and was like, “Hm! What sort of quirky trait should this young fellow have?” Because, of course, in this style of fiction every character has to have at least one cartoonish or otherwise distinguishing trait to stand out in the minds of children. (For instance, Kate has her bucket, Sticky has his glasses, Constance is angry, and Reynie is Emmett from the Lego Movie)

Anyhow, he looks around the room, searching for inspiration. Suddenly he comes across a jumbo box of plastic wrap. Completely innocuous in design, save for one line of text. 300 SQ FT.

“…large… S.Q. …feet? THAT’S IT!” i’m sorry

Lines & Scenes I Liked

In no particular order!

Sticky quotes Sun Tzu, The Art of War

Evil combination aerobics/square dancing in the gym with the Executives

Everyone being happy at the end :’)

Everyone partying after Sticky reunites with his parents, and later finding Mr. Benedict asleep at his desk from the moment they shook hands :’’)

Literally any scene with Sticky in it

Any time Kate says “you boys” or “gosh”

[“Um, sir?” S.Q. said timidly, raising his hand. “A thought just occurred to me.” / Mr. Curtain raised his eyebrows. “That’s remarkable, S.Q. What is it?”] clown prince of my heart </3

S.Q.’s determined monologue about searching for clues after he bungled up the first time

Literally any scene with S.Q. in it (please refer to The S.Q. Section)

Reynie trying to resist the Whisperer.

[Let us begin. / First let me polish my spectacles, Reynie thought. / Let us begin. / Not without my bucket, Reynie insisted. He heard Mr. Curtain muttering behind him. / Let us begin, let us begin, let us begin. / Rules and schools are tools for fools, Reynie thought.]

NO MORE HURTIN’ WITH CURTAIN

Milligan showing up on the island!!

Remember the white knight hhhhhh

“controle”

A Super Secret Bonus Section

I would be extremely surprised if anyone read through all the way down here lol. Regardless, here’s a little acknowledgements section :D not tagging anyone since I don’t want to bother all of these people

Special shoutout to tumblr blog stonetowns for unknowingly yet singlehandedly demolishing my reluctance to read the books by posting a ton of cute quotes. Thank you for your service o7

Thanks to the two OGs that liked the post I made right before this one, for being my unwitting enablers and for sticking around despite being a) technically an internet stranger (hello!) and b) someone I haven’t spoken to irl in literal years (hey!!)

Last but not least thankz 2 my sister for putting up with me ranting about the book when I first got it and for asking about “CQ” sometimes lol. (i desperately hope you’re not reading this orz)

#the mysterious benedict society #this took me like three days to finish rip #it’s worked though! i feel less of a Mighty Need to think about this stuff constantly now #however!!! today through some conniving i have gotten the Second Book #now I’m at 3 out of 4 infinity stones. muahahaha #was going to include my villain origin story about why i like show!SQ so much but cut it for being too long and irrelevant. however #if the words jeff naomi and Sweet Dreams are Made of These mean anything to you please hit me up. it’s kind of a funny story

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swaps55 · 3 years

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Here we fucking go.

We have a glorious moment, one of the best of the trilogy. Anderson dies, and Shepard has to get up.

What do you need me to do.

No protests. No arguments. There is only the mission, and Shepard isn’t done. It’s the very essence of Shepard, the heart and soul of what makes them such a magic character.

And we follow up that moment with this bullshit.

I’ll take this moment to remind folks that in the original, vanilla ending, there was no explanation of the reaper origins. Shepard couldn’t ask questions. There was just, HEY. Pick a color.

So to my jaded self, the Extended Cut and Leviathan are merely attempts to sleep in the bed they made.

The biggest mistake BioWare made was attempting to explain the reapers. They are supposed to be unknowable. Beyond our comprehension. Yet here, in the final moments, they are distilled into something completely knowable and understandable, at the expense of everything the trilogy spent three years building.

“The reapers are not at war with you.”

Yeah, except you gave Harbinger understandable motivations, an ego, an obsession with a tiny organic, and a vendetta. You made the impersonal Cthulhu monster something with a very personal agenda. Those two ideologies are in direct conflict with each other.

“Who designed the Crucible?”

“You don’t know them, and there is no time to explain.”

WHEN THE FATE OF THE GALAXY HINGES ON IT, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY MAKE TIME. Honest to god, this translates to, “we dunno, fuck off.”

Now onto the color coded choices. I’ll further point out the reminder that the vanilla ending included no voice over, no slideshow depicting the outcome and consequences, no memorial for Shepard. It was literally exploding relays in three different colors, with no other differences between them. At all.

The Extended Cut is a direct response to the uproar, which included the following:

“The relays exploded. Everyone’s dead.” BioWare, astonished at this assumption, somehow forgot they put out a DLC that makes it explicitly clear that destroying a relay releases a titanic source of energy that would wipe out a system. So Extended Cut? Comes out and says, “everything that was broken can be fixed.” No why, no how. You have a decimated galactic economy, the bulk of half a dozen armies stranded in a single system, and the codex clearly states we do not know what kind of material the relays or the Citadel are made from. So...how do we fix all of these things in the next few lifetimes? Fuck you, that’s how.

“...how the hell did my love interest get on the Normandy??” Because in vanilla, there is no goodbye scene. Shepard runs to the beam, never looks back, gets blown up, then stumbles to the beam. There is no injured squad mates, no evac, no tender goodbye. One second they’re there, the next they’re exiting the Normandy on Lame Jungle Planet. Which is why Harbinger so patiently waits for Shepard’s ship to come take the wounded love interest away, because we had to have some reason for them to wind up on the ship, and there isn’t a way to do it that makes sense, so have a tender goodbye and don’t think about the fact that the Normandy apparently could have just dropped you right off at the front door and saved everyone a lot of time and trouble.

“Why did the Normandy flee?” In vanilla, there was only the cutscene of Joker frantically mashing buttons while consoles exploded around him, with a swelling instrumental cacophony that ended with a discordant shriek, suggesting total disaster. When I first played it, I somehow thought, to my horror, that I’d killed Joker. And guess what? Joker and your love interest exiting the Normandy on Lame Jungle Planet is just where the game ended. That music is the credits music. That’s where the journey stopped. Not ended. Stopped. The only other scrap was the voiceover by Buzz Aldrin and a pop up saying, ‘you did it! buy our DLC.’ So the Extended Cut added a cry from Hackett to run from the Crucible, though there’s still no reason given for why, aside from ‘energy is bad for technology,’ and apparently the Normandy is the only ship that somehow winds up stranded on Lame Jungle Planet.

If the Crucible was essentially just a giant EMP that nukes all technology, then everyone is basically fucked, and how do you ‘outrun it,’ since it goes everywhere??

Fuck you, that’s how.

The choices themselves can fuck themselves, too. Attaching strings to the trilogy-spanning goal of destroying the reapers is a cheap bait and switch. A human being somehow being turned into an immortal vessel to puppet the immortal machines is a complete disaster waiting to happen. Human minds aren’t meant for that, and we’re given no context or information on how that’s supposed to function.

And Synthesis? You’re asking one person to directly violate the bodily autonomy of every single being in the galaxy? With zero explanation given for what that means other than a few utterly abstract sentences, how it works, what it changes, and what the consequences will be, good or bad? Fuck right off.

Is my interpretation of the endings completely and forever impacted by experiencing the vanilla ending after playing ME1 when it launched in 2007 and waiting five years for the finale? Yes. I won’t even pretend that I can take an unbiased look at Extended Cut, because all I can see is how blatantly and poorly it tried to respond to the backlash.

Beyond the incompressible narrative choices, the plot holes, the confusion, etc., the worst sin the original ending made was not giving the player an emotional release. There was no closure. No end. It just stopped. That haunted me. It sounds stupid to say I lost sleep over the ending of a video game. It sounds melodramatic and entitled and obnoxious. But I did. This world and these characters meant everything. I’d like to think that after having lived through a pandemic, it’s a little easier to understand why the fictional places we escape to so we can forget about the real world feel like a lifeline. It may be stupid that a video game means this much to me. But it does. And I have never gotten over how that ending made me feel, and I have never forgiven it.

The only thing the Extended Cut does is provide an emotional release, in the form of goodbyes to your love interest, an ending slideshow, and a voiceover telling you all the ways the galaxy isn’t actually fucked, even though it is. For a lot of people that’s enough, and that’s a good thing. Emotional release is a big deal. Even if the ending isn’t satisfying, having somewhere to put your emotions makes it a lot easier to swallow.

This is the first time I have experienced the ‘true’ ending since EC came out in 2012, and now that I have the achievement for finishing the game, I never intend to do it again.

I’m going to go boot up the Citadel DLC, which is the love letter send off the trilogy deserved, and what BioWare was capable of giving us all along.

They just...didn’t.

#tow cables on the citadel #in which i am angry and emotional and crying and in general a disaster of a human #apologies for the typos #of which i am sure there are many #i just can't bring myself to reread it

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snailsnfriends · 3 years

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It has been a few months, six to be exact, but I wanted to revisit Tommy when he was locked in the prison.

A lot has happened since then, and I think the reminder of this would be nice since these moments affected Tommy so deeply, and watching streams over again can be time-consuming.

This analysis and summary will be split into three parts. The first three parts will be an analysis and summary of Tommy’s time in the prison, from pre-entrance to revival. From here on out, I will be discussing the characters on the SMP unless stated otherwise. Dialogue is color-coded: Tommy, Dream. So, let’s begin!

Stream: Tommy Gets Locked In Prison with Dream

The stream opens up with Tommy telling us, the audience, that this will be our last time visiting Dream. He wants to visit Dream one last time in order to gain closure. Tommy acknowledges that he has been, in his own words, “tortured” and “tormented” by Dream. Though Dream is locked up, Tommy is still anxious.

“Why am I still feeling like this? Why am I still feeling, you know, fuckin, miserable, I suppose. I’ve got my hotel, I’ve got my buis- I still feel kinda- a little bit low. A little bit empty. I think, I think it’s because I haven’t shut the book. He’s still in my life, you know.”

All of this confirms the fact that Tommy has yet to heal from Dream’s abuse. He is aware that he is safe and has everything he’s wanted, yet still feels unhappy. This also confirms that Tommy wants to heal and move on. He is making the conscious decision to do so.

“I wanna start living my life, because I haven’t lived my life since the start of this SMP! … it’s just been war after war, death after death, friend dead after friend! Death, you know? It’s been, dare I say, it’s been fuckin morbid! But um, he’s been the reason.”

This is further confirmation of Tommy’s thought process. He is aware that his life has always been busy in some way, and that conflict has always boiled down to him and Dream. It is important to note that he does not blame anyone else for his troubles except Dream. He does not blame Wilbur for L’manberg’s destruction, Philza for Wilbur’s death, or Technoblade for Tubbo’s death. For Tommy, it has always been him and Dream no matter what.

As Tommy goes over the required questions with Sam, he says that Dream does deserve to be in prison, but does not deserve to die. When Sam asks what Tommy’s prior relationship with the prisoner was like, Tommy immediately yells, calling Dream a wrongen. However, his demeanor changes quickly. He says that they manipulated one another, and that Dream manipulated him. This is interesting because Tommy is aware that Dream hurt him, but he does not exactly know how he fits into it. Tommy has not manipulated Dream. Tommy does not and did not have the power to do that. Tommy has a hard time understanding his relationship with Dream, which is something we will continue to see as the stream progresses.

While Tommy puts his items in the locker, he apologizes for his nervousness and asks if it’s obvious. This is also something Tommy does frequently; he apologizes for his emotions regardless of the situation. Tommy has good reason to be nervous, and Sam even asks if Tommy really wants to visit Dream. Sam is not annoyed by Tommy, so he has no real reason to apologize. Tommy has a hard time letting his guard down around people he likes and feels the need to apologize for his emotions.

As Sam and Tommy make their way through the prison, Tommy thanks Sam for doing his job and looking out for him. After being genuine with Sam, Tommy is frustrated when he doesn’t respond, despite being aware of the fact that Sam puts on a face while doing his job. Tommy does not like being ignored, but quickly moves on to once again explain that he does not want to visit the prison again after this. He specifically notes that blackstone is triggering to him, which is another thing to add to his already long trigger list. He also asks Sam to promise that Dream will be locked up forever. Once Sam confirms this, Tommy calms down. He says he would have no reason to visit Dream again unless one of his friends died. As Tommy blabbers on and on, Sam does a good job of being directional toward Tommy, telling him exactly what he needs to do. This is a good thing because it gives Tommy a specific task to complete, and does not give him time to panic. As Tommy waits for the lava to lower, he says this,

“I wanna make sure I always like who I am, and, you know, around this guy, I don’t think I do. I don’t think I like who I am around Dream. Let’s close the book.”

This is very important because it helps establish Tommy’s relationship with Dream for the audience. Tommy very clearly does not like Dream and does not like the kind of person he is while around him (hurt, afraid, confused, quick to anger). Dream, on the other hand, does not feel this way. He wants to be around Tommy. He wants to hurt Tommy. Dream sees this as fun, while Tommy does not. This is something we will also continue to see as the stream goes on.

This is minor, but I think it’s important to note, as it’s part of how cc!Tommy plays his character: As Tommy and Dream greet one another, Dream says that he lost his clock. Tommy jokes that if you remove the “L” a new word is created, and Tommy smiles. In response, Dream says, “That’s the Tommy I know.” Tommy’s face immediately drops after Dream says this; this feeds into Tommy’s dislike for himself around Dream.

Dream attempts to make conversation, saying that he wishes Tommy would visit more, but Tommy ignores this to explain that this is his last time visiting Dream. Dream tries to make Tommy second guess himself by saying that forever is a “long time.” Tommy pauses before speaking again. Something important to be aware of is that Tommy is very susceptible to Dream’s manipulation, especially now. In this situation. There is no escape. It is just him, Dream, and the lava. There is no one to break up any disagreement they have. There is no one here to stop Dream. And because Tommy is so anxious, he is an easy target. Tommy does try to combat this by being direct with Dream. He refuses to answer Dream outright as of now, and instead just tries to get his point across.

At this point in the stream, it crashes, but right before, Tommy explains to Dream that if there is anything he wants to say, he has to say it now, because Tommy won’t be coming back. Dream responds to this with a confused “why?” Dream cannot think of even a single reason why Tommy would never want to see him again, which plays into the fact that Dream believes that his relationship with Tommy is fun. It also shows that Dream thinks this relationship is mutual; Dream believes that Tommy feels the same way about him, which is not true.

After fixing some stream problems, Dream talks about possibly getting out one day. Tommy immediately denies this and stops Dream from talking about it any further. Here, Tommy is trying to keep some sort of power in the situation. He is trying to keep an even temper, but this doesn’t last very long once Tommy brings up exile.

“What you’re doing now, this is like exile. Do you remember that? Do you remember ex- I don’t know how much you remember with all these tears n shit, this is, this is like exile, man. I don’t- I don’t wanna know you-” “I mean, exile, it wasn’t, it wasn’t too bad, right? I mean, you still, you had, you know, like, we hung out and stuff.” “I fu- You fu- You fuck- You bastard, Dream! You threw my shit into a hole! I can’t go near plains biomes now without getting a little trembly in the fingers! You- Yeah no, it was fucked, you’re fucked!”

Here, Tommy is aware that he is not in power. He knows that he lacks control in this situation, especially because he is emotional. Comparing this to exile shows that this is what Tommy bases his opinions of Dream on, and this is where most of Tommy’s fears come from. This also shows that Dream has no sense of the severity of exile, despite the fact that he carried out the abuse. Dream describes it as them just hanging out, which, again, shows that Dream thinks his relationship with Tommy is fun. He does not think that what he did was abuse, despite Tommy’s clear indication that it was. He doesn’t think that it was too bad despite the fact that he cannot come up with any reason why it wasn’t bad. He does not complete his sentences because he cannot think of anything good. In order to gain the upper hand again, Tommy asks about the books he wanted Dream to write last time, but we quickly move on from that to this:

“Listen, when I’m around you, my brain feels like I’m conditioned to be your friend, but also when I have a knife, I wanna just plunge it into your heart, and it’s like I don’t- you don’t make me a good person.”

This, again, shows Tommy’s conflicting feelings toward Dream. Tommy is very aware that he doesn’t like Dream and is not the person he wants to be while around Dream. However, he still feels inclined to be his friend. Tommy is aware that he is being manipulated, as shown by the word “conditioned” here; he knows that he does not actually want to be Dream’s friend. Tommy just does not know how to make this feeling stop. What Tommy does know is that Dream has ruined everything for him, and he does not want to see Dream ever again. Tommy goes on about how Dream is horrible, specifically calling him out for almost killing Tubbo. In response, we get this:

“I did bad things but- Everybody thinks they’re right from their perspective-” “That’s not true.” “Wow. I mean, I think I’m right. I did bad things, but I did them for good reasons but-" “What do you mean ‘good reasons’ you’re a psychopath-” "but I’ve learned. I did bad things. And I’ve learned that I shouldn’t have done them." “What good reasons? No, please, enlighten us, please, enlighten me-” "I just wanted to bring the server together, have it be a happy family, you know?”

And this, my friends, is a lovely example of Dream’s mindset and ability to manipulate. Dream repeats that he has learned from what he’s done, but that is not true. He tries more than once to excuse his actions by saying that everyone is right from their own perspective and that he was doing bad things for good reason. He does this in an effort to make Tommy think he’s not that bad and can be either let out or revisited. This also proves that he hasn’t learned at all, because if he truly did learn, he would acknowledge exactly what was wrong with his actions. He would’ve apologized to Tommy a long time ago if he really believed that what he did was wrong. Tommy immediately disagrees with Dream’s points, which, again, shows that Tommy and Dream do not have the same mindset, despite what Dream believes. I think the most important thing to take note of is the “happy family” bit, which has been dragged through hell in back in discourse posts. In order to bring the server together to create a happy family, all of the members would have to be involved, and all of them would have to be happy. Based on Dream’s actions, he doesn’t actually want this. Abusing people does not make them happy. Threatening to kill others does not make them happy. Leaving your friends behind in pursuit of your obsession does not make them happy. In Dream’s mind, a “big happy family” is one that he can do anything to without repercussions, which is something Tommy calls out. Later, he says,

“I am better than that. I am better than you. I am done here. You ruined my past, Dream, but you will not ruin my future.”

Other than this being a banger line, this basically sums up everything Tommy wanted to accomplish with this visit. Dream tries to make Tommy second guess himself by asking him to visit, and saying that Tommy visiting would help him get better. Thankfully, Tommy knows that it’s not true, and refuses. But because we can’t have good things around here, right after Tommy says goodbye, TNT starts to go off, and Tommy starts to yell for Sam and panics. Dream does not have much of a reaction to the explosions. Tommy once again tries to bid Dream farewell, saying “It has been an honor knowing you, but it will be an honor forgetting you.” but is quickly distracted by more TNT. As more TNT rains down, Tommy grabs the item frame off the wall to use as a potential weapon. Eventually, Tommy asks Dream to let him out, which signals to Dream that Tommy is in a vulnerable state. Dream capitalizes on this by saying that Tommy might be stuck with him for a while. As they argue over not knowing any better than the other, Tommy doesn’t believe that Dream doesn’t know anything about the TNT.

Eventually, Dream says that this is a good thing and that they can bond. He remarks that this is just like exile, and Tommy immediately begins to curse at and hit him. Tommy continues to hit Dream and pace all panicked, and it only gets worse when Dream says that this is the best thing that has ever happened to him in the prison. Dream tries repeatedly to give Tommy food and books, but he refuses them. Eventually, though, he eats the food. As the two argue some more, Dream says that they will have a lot of fun together. This, again, shows that Dream has a warped perception of what “fun” is, and does not see any reason for Tommy to panic. And to end it all, Tommy says, “I was about to be done.” as he realizes that there is nothing he can do.

#dream smp #tommyinnit #dreamwastaken #dream smp prison arc #dream smp analysis #snailtrail.slimes

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thefinalwitness · 2 years

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3, 8, and 15 for miss l’aiha please 😌💕

thank u!!!!! 🥺🥺💞💞💞💞💞

3. What does their voice sound like, in a couple of words?

(How about a LOT of words sorry that's how we roll here.) L'aiha has always been well spoken, even when she's incredibly emotional or otherwise hindered. L'khilo thinks it's a clue as to the environment she might've grown up in prior to her amnesia—a scholarly, educated place. He's right, too!

Generally L'aiha is very soft-spoken, polite, and with a hint of 'elegance' or 'properness' in her tone. Obviously FFXIV is afflicted with the same disease as every fantasy media ever, where smart characters are always Fantasy British Accented, but ignoring that for a minute, I think her accent would still be notably miqo'te, especially on H sounds where that 'hiss' comes through. She was raised around very educated miqo'te, so they definitely sound DIFFERENT to your average Seeker or Keeper, but they simultaneously sound Less Different than, say, an educated hyur or elezen would.

I'm not great at putting 'mental voice' into a given accent, but based on L'aiha's upbringing, i'd say she possesses something most like a Spanish accent? (I can't tell EXACTLY what Gyr Abania's coded culture is, but it SEEMS in that ball park) Her maternal family are very recent immigrants from Ala Mhigo, and her paternal family, while generations-old Sharlayans now, still has a strong sense of culture and language predating their own migration.

So uh... Really Smart Spanish Woman Voice, I Guess. Even though her current voiceclaim isn't that, because I was trying to match the Fantasy British Accent. >_> Still would like to change that! But you can imagine how hard it is to find 'smart fantasy voice that ISN'T BRITISH FUCK' lmao.

8. What is their coping mechanism?

ISOLATION. ISOLATION. ISOLATION.

L'aiha has an admittedly bad habit of running away when things get REALLY hard. Tragedy, fights with friends, overwhelming news... Her impulse is to run and hide, and it's one she's still struggling with—her very hair color is evidence of a current episode, where she's trying to run back to a version of herself she doesn't even KNOW beyond second-hand accounts.

It's strange, actually, how often 'isolation' means she'll go somewhere NEW, UNKNOWN. she rarely runs back to what she knows, instead setting out on someplace she's never seen or barely knows anything about. (In truth, it's the bizarre clash of 'running away' and 'exploration'. She's always been a traveller. More so than I'm about to explain to a friend I don't want to overly spoil on FFXIV things. ;D)

15. Has their personality changed at all since they were a child? Why?

DEFINITELY. Ages 0-28, L'aiha was a hopeful and proactive sort. She was to some degree under the effects of the 'gifted child' phenomenon; she'd always been well designed for the difficult schooling and education of Sharlayan, rising to the occasion time and again, leaving little in the way of failures or disappointments in her wake. Life bordered on 'too easy' for her, and she ached for more.

After she left Sharlayan, she definitely FOUND more. She found a crisis on an apocalyptic scale; a problem she could not solve with wit or resolve. A problem that killed her and some of her dearest friends.

And though she doesn't remember any of it after she wakens in the Gyr Abanian wilderness, the failure fundamentally changed her. She became cautious, sometimes overly so, and though she still possesses a LOT of ambition and compassion, she struggles more to act on it. Something forgotten in her dreads to fail again.

She's very much the embodiment of 'once bitten and twice shy' these days, and she's learning how to overcome AND accept it, ESPECIALLY now that she knows who she WAS before. Brave and bold and unstoppable J'nhala Eiha, now the tentative and uncertain L'aiha Kh. Slowly, she's learning there's good in the change—she's more careful, more considerate, and most of all she UNDERSTANDS why someone else would falter for fear alone. But it's not the way of a gifted student or venerated hero. It's not what she was. And she's learning that that's okay.

#THANKIE AGAIN i have one (1) very confused catgirl #l'aiha #wol

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waffles-for-brunch · 3 years

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This project began as an indirect response to a few negative tweets in the days following the Valentine's Day Destiel wedding. During such time that “certain sources” chose to speak against the impromptu "wedding" and state that the direction of the show never included sexuality or romance. Since this argument has sparked a bit of discourse as to the validity of Dean Winchester and Castiel's relationship and sexualities, I began this edit as an exploration of observations throughout the entire 15 season run of the series. (That's not to say that Sam does not also have his own impactful romances throughout the show -he does have several notable ones- but in his case they are never debated upon or erased.)

There are three complete edits linked below. The differences are explained in their descriptions. (I also recommend downloading for best quality rather than simply watching in the browser, but it’s your choice)

BiDeanEdit: (Click here to download)

Runtime: 18:04:44

File Size: 10.0 GB (10,741,415,805 bytes)

Series long compilation edit (in sequence) of Dean Winchester and Castiel’s relationships and intended expressions of their sexualities (ie interest in both genders). This edit focuses on their relationship as it develops with one another, their other notable relationships (DeanxBenny, CasxMeg, DeanxLisa, etc), and the framework around their sexualities with small scenes of expression (ie Dean in ‘Playthings’ or ‘Everybody Hates Hitler’, or early seasons Dean & his transgressions with women, or Cas in ‘Caged Heat’)

BiDeanMLMEdit: (Click here to download)

Runtime: 14:40:57

File Size: 8.05 GB (8,649,798,685 bytes)

Series long compilation edit (in sequence) of Dean Winchester and Castiel’s relationships and intended expressions of their sexualities. This one is the same as the last but with only MLM content (Otherwise referred to as ‘only the gay parts’). We focus on this more repressed side of their sexuality and see these clues laid out altogether in one fluid edit (these examples are also available in the previous edit, however are just not aligned beside any heterosexual content). DeanxCrowley, DeanxBenny, DeanxLee, DeanxCas, etc.

DestielOnlyEdit: (Click here to download)

Runtime: 13:08:49

File Size: 7.17 GB (7,709,560,696 bytes)

Series long compilation edit (in sequence) of only Destiel related content. The same as the above edit, just simplified even more to only focus on Dean and Cas’ relationship over the years.

Keep reading below to find my full analysis of the complete edit regarding these guys sexualities, relationships, and the parallels we can draw.

To understand why it is that so many queer fans of Supernatural and other similar shows read queerness in characters and their relationships, we should look at the hays code established in 1930. At this time this certain code was established to monitor what was allowed to be depicted outright on film. Within the margins of what was to be stifled, was homosexuality. As such, filmmakers had to plant “queer-coded” seeds into the writing and subtext so that queer audiences watching could interpret these characters and relationships in this manner without the words and actions stating so outright. (At this time homosexuality could be depicted on film as long as said gay character was either a villain, caricature, or met an untimely end- feeding into the blossoming of the kill-your-gays trope. But that’s another topic for a later time.)

As film changed over the years and times became more accepting of lgbt characters portrayals on screen outside of simple coding, this did not make the code obsolete. Queer-coding and queer-baiting are often used in media in present day as a way to pull in viewership. Networks are able to garner the best of both worlds, in a sense. They can draw in heterosexual audiences that may not want to watch queer media, whilst also drawing in queer audiences by coding some characters and relationships just enough to pull those viewers in. This works simply because there is such a lack of queer representation in most media that we’ll take what we can get.

This is where Supernatural comes in. There is a reason that Supernatural and thus “Destiel” is known by some as “The Great American Queerbait.” This twelve years long gay slow-burn between one overly masculine character and his awkward angel best friend did not begin with the intention of romance or baiting, as many of these things generally don’t. However, once fans realized the chemistry between these two particular actors and characters, it became something blatantly written into the show. Sometimes jokingly, other times as legitimate moments of emotional intimacy between two characters. So to say that the show’s direction never included sexuality or romance is, to put it bluntly, bullshit. Just because something is not written in clear and concise wording right in your face, does not mean that it is nonexistent and that the writers did not know what they were writing into the show. (Not even to mention the actual love confession in 15x18, but I digress).

We know very well that queer content has been written subtextually into media for the better part of seventy years. It is a language in media just as much as lighting is a language, just as much as certain camera angles, color design in costumes or set decor, and music design are languages. All of these, outside of the simple words said on screen, make up our media and these characters and our shows. Tv is a world of color, not black and white.

[[ further readings on the above topics: X X X X X ]]

I decided upon this full edit encompassing both the female and male aspects of Dean Winchester and Castiel’s relationships & sexualities because oftentimes when we’re looking into potentially queer characters we tend to focus on the same sex attraction and neglect the opposite sex attraction. Both are very important to acknowledge and compare, if at the very least to view where they may overcompensate, where toxic masculinity may come into play, compulsory heterosexuality, trauma responses, etc. Sometimes what a character doesn’t do is just as important to interpret as what they do do.

For instance, Dean Winchester. If we are to operate under the assumption that he is bisexual, any repression we witness throughout the series as to his male attraction is likely to be a result of his difficult upbringing, similar to most queer identifying people with childhood trauma. His father is a marine, the picture of manliness in which Dean himself blatantly embodies in an effort to impress and make his father proud in any way he can. Dean is already unlikely to seek out activities in any aspect of life of which might make John look at him in a different light (ie, in an every day setting, even simply watching Finding Dory- this is not something S1 Dean would have admitted to liking, but we see Dean in later seasons standing up for himself and his appreciation for it).

Is it perhaps for this reason that we see Dean as an overly blatant and flirty ladies man in season 1 when John is still alive, while this side of him steadily declines as the series continues? It even becomes established in season 3- in light of Dean’s fears surrounding going to Hell, he enters an attitude for coping that Sam recognizes- hypermasculinity, promiscuity, deflection. Heightening the idea that this caricature of himself that he embodies is a mask that he wears in order to cope with something else. He is donning the image he assumes others think he should fit into. Sam calls him out on this through the years, and eventually this becomes something we see in him less and less as he feels more comfortable simply being himself.

If we take into account the time of which this first season is filmed, this is 2005, a time where gay jokes were still funny and an overcompensating character was a joke attached to it. We see Dean built up in these first couple of seasons through this lens of jokes about a hyper-masculine character being mistaken for gay, however instead of this building up the masculinity to encourage a raging heterosexual characterization, this overcompensation is exactly what inadvertently sows the seeds of queer-coding. To queer watchers this reads as a deeply repressed character with childhood trauma who overcompensates when faced with observations of gayness and uses hypermasculinity to counteract these accusations.

It is through circumstances such as “Bugs” in S1 or “Playthings” in S2 that we first see these ‘jokes.’ The brothers are mistaken as a gay couple. Dean being the more “masculine’ of the two characters has a blatant reaction to these situations (Overcompensating), and Sam’s lack of a reaction is what solidifies his own straightness all the more. Neither brother is homophobic (this becomes established as time goes on) so why would either have a problem with this mistake? Sam wouldn’t care because he’s clearly not gay- in fact, he usually just laughs it off. Dean would care because he wonders what about him looks gay? Do other people see it too? Do they know? What’s wrong with him?

We also see another blatant example of this type of freakout in season 8. “Everybody Hates Hitler.”

(Images: “Playthings” S2xE11)

(Image below: S8 “Everybody Hates Hilter”)

We frame these situations in early seasons around girl of the week scenarios and brief bar flirtations. Have to make it clear that our manly straight character looks as manly and straight as possible. Dean is also in his 20s, he’s more carefree/not as traumatized yet, and he is a sexual man so he does sleep around quite a bit. What is notable, however, is how much this drops off in later seasons. As time goes on Dean seeks out less and less the fleeting encounters of one night stands, in favor of genuine connections- even if he himself frequently doubts his own ability to ever have a settle-down type of relationship or life. Lisa is the only long-term female romantic relationship Dean ever has throughout the series run, and this tentatively begins in season 5 and ends in season 6.

Dean and Lisa’s relationship is founded more in a dream of something that Dean wants to be rather than who he actually is. Although he loves her, their bond is made through trauma and their relationship overall is reminiscent of a soldier who returned home from war with heavy PTSD and begins to burden the family that he will come to realize he doesn’t quite fit within anymore.

Outside of this, his closest relationships from thereon out are between Benny, and Castiel.

Let’s start with Benny. Throughout season 8 Benny is framed as an ex and his relationship with Dean directly parallels Sam and Amelia’s. Both brothers must confront their relationships with their ‘significant others’ and decide whether to cut them off or proceed. Both brothers found these people under circumstances in which they did not get along with them at first but were pushed together. Another person comes in the middle of their relationship (Amelia’s husband for Sam, or Cas/Sam for Benny). The brothers each resent the other’s significant other or the circumstances surrounding the relationship. Sam hates Benny because he is a vampire and Sam does not understand why Dean continually trusts him (which is a circumstance inherently queer-coded in itself for comparability to an unaccepting family). Dean does not care for Amelia simply for the fact that Sam chose her over looking for him in purgatory.

Other instances we see parallels between Sam’s romances and Dean’s:

“Sex and Violence” S4 siren: Nick(Siren)/Dean parallel to Sam/Dr Lady

Season 4: Ruby/Sam and Cas/Dean teamup parallels

S1 Dean pulling Sam from the fire away from Jess vs S12 Sam pulling Dean away from Cas who may die approaching Lucifer to fight

Season 8: Dean/Benny vs Sam/Amelia. Dean and Benny, since they’re essentially going through a breakup, are directly paralleled to Sam and Amelia and their breakup. See “Larp and the Real Girl” for Charlie and Dean’s conversation about Sam’s recent breakup and Charlie picking up on the fact that Dean might also be going through one.

1x05 vs 8x07: Sam seeing Jessica on the sidewalk as they drive down the street vs Dean seeing Cas on the side of the road as he drives down the street

S11: Perhaps this one can be interpreted loosely and not necessarily romantic (esp on Sam’s end), but “O’ Brother Where Art Thou” both brothers are drawn to forces they actively fight against being drawn to. SamxLucifer and DeanxAmara.

S11: “Beyond the Mat” not a relationship but with crushes/infatuations. Dean with Gunner Lawless and Sam with Rio.

S15: Cas telling Dean that “We Are” real. vs Eileen being unsure what’s real and Sam kissing her and saying “I know that was real.”

S15: “The Trap” Dean loses all hope following the death of their friends and primarily Cas. Sam loses hope after Eileen’s death. Directly paralleled in the episode. (We also see Sam lose Eileen in 15x18, where Dean also loses Cas)

Additional parallels between Dean/Cas with anyone else:

Season 9/10: Cain/Colette vs Dean/Cas. “She only asked for one thing. To stop.” vs Cas asking Dean to “Stop”. Both circumstances referring to the Mark of Cain.

S12 “Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets” Lily (human)/Isham (angel) vs Dean (human)/ Cas (angel)

Led Zeppelin: This music means something within John/Mary’s relationship, which Dean directly acknowledges in 12x01 with Mary. We find out Dean has gifted Cas a mixtape of his “Top 13 Zepp Traxx” in 12x19. (the implications of Dean having made a mixtape for Cas, being its own point in a different discussion)

When Lucifer contacts a person to try and get them to open up to him, he uses their dead lover as a ploy. SamxJess, NickxSarah, VincexJen, DeanxCas - 15x19 when Lucifer calls Dean using Cas’ voice.

The parallels of unreciprocated love/infatuation. DeanxCrowley and CasxHannah. Dean likes Crowley but clearly not the way that Crowley likes Dean. Cas likes Hannah like a friend or sister, but she keeps putting the moves on him for awhile and he appears deeply uncomfortable and has to shoot her down more than once.

Parallels between Dean’s own relationships:

Dean in “Let it Bleed” torturing demons to find the location of Lisa and Ben vs Dean in Purgatory torturing monsters to find the location of Cas “The angel”

“The Rapture” opens in Dean’s dream which Cas visits and says he’s in trouble and gives Dean an address to go to immediately. “The Song Remains The Same” opens in Dean’s dream which Anna visits and says she’s in trouble and gives Dean an address to go to immediately.

S6 Dean dodging calls from Lisa vs S12 Dean dodging Cas at the beginning of “Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets” (notable also how Sam treats both circumstances the same)

S11: “Into the Mystic” 11x11 Mildred tells Dean the key to living a long and happy life is to follow your heart. Later in the season “All in the Family” 11x21 When Casifer is still captured by Amara, she puts her hand to Cas’ heart and is able to connect with Dean to contact him. Hinting at the link between Cas and Dean’s “hearts.”

Not necessarily a parallel but an observation. 7x01 when Cas is loaded up on God juice, and Dean has given up but Sam hasn’t and wants to talk to ‘the guy’, Dean says, “He’s not a guy, he’s God.” But in 11x18 Dean refuses to give up on Cas and let him continue to be possessed. Sam keeps speaking about Cas like he’s just a vessel and Dean says, “It? It’s not an it, Sam. It’s Cas.” Mostly this shows the development of their relationship and Dean’s willingness to continue to fight for him.

Dean’s dream world with Pamela in S14, she says to Dean “How come you only want what you can’t have?” and in S15 during Cas’ confession scene he says to Dean, “The one thing I want, is something I know I can’t have.”

Before we delve into Dean and Castiel specifically, let’s explore a few more things regarding Dean.

Let’s start with Cassie. This is Dean’s first romantic relationship we see on the show, and is arguably his first love. What is notable about her is her characterization and Dean in relation to her. We haven’t seen him in a relationship before, and thus this is the baseline to which we can draw how he is in this type of vulnerable state.

We see here that he is drawn to strong individuals. Cassie is a very strong willed character and can hold her own. She has a boldness about her. Dean appreciates that. We see similar in his next framed love interest: Jo Harvelle. Jo is another strong character, and though Dean sees her more as someone he needs to protect because she doesn’t have as much experience under her belt, he respects her intellect and strong will all the same. They connect through a love for hunting and mutual daddy issues. Personally, this is a relationship I view more as a little sister dynamic in a similar vein to Dean and Charlie, however this pairing is still worth noting because as it was written it was intended to potentially flourish into a romantic relationship. This did not pan out, though the seeds are still there.

Next up is Anna. Again daddy issues are a solid connection these two hold, and while this relationship is more of a one-night-stand than anything else, there are still important points to be taken from this encounter. The first is just how much Dean cares. We don’t see very many sex scenes with Dean throughout the series, but of the ones we do see, it is apparent that he is a gentle and tender man. He cares. About even a single night with a woman. (Cassie, Anna, Lydia ’The Slice Girls”) This is a contrast to Dean’s general persona of the masculine straight promiscuous lady’s man. He has all the bravado of a man who ‘loves em and leaves em’, but in reality that is not who he is. This is another example of the faces Dean wears in front of certain people (and what he thinks they expect of him), and the person he is once he lets that mask fall.

It may be important to note as well that Anna, (it is rumored) was originally meant to be more to Dean than this simple one night stand and connection. She was intended to become a romantic interest but, as it turned out, Dean and Cas had more chemistry so the arc that Anna was meant to follow was instead given to Castiel.

It is another year until the apocalypse comes along, Sam dies, and Dean falls back into Lisa’s lap. While Lisa is another strong-willed woman who rolls with the punches, her lifestyle deviates from Dean’s usual romantic interests simply because of her offering of a normal life outside of everything he’s usually known. A life with her is dipping his toe into a life he could have had if he didn’t hold the weight of the world on his shoulders and hunt the things that go bump in the night.

This is Dean’s last “official” relationship of the series. After putting Lisa and Ben in danger by being someone that he cares about, Dean accepts that he’s simply not a guy that can have a normal life or a normal family. He cares about people and they get hurt. This is a weight he holds on his shoulders for the remainder of the show. He loves someone, or more accurately, they love him, and they’ll get hurt. End of story. It doesn’t help that immediately following this, Castiel “dies” too.

Maybe it’s Lisa, maybe it’s Cas. Maybe it’s a combination of the two at this point in time, but Dean is never again the same when it comes to relationships after these events at the end of season 6. He becomes more cautious, tries to keep people an arm’s length away, and we even begin to see less and less promiscuity and flirting with miscellaneous women from this point on.

Let’s talk about Castiel.

Although Dean has had various queer-coded moments throughout the beginning of the series and up to Castiel’s entrance in season 4, his minimal relationships up to this point have all been with women. Simply exploring the evolution of this relationship from Dean’s side of the picture, Dean doesn’t start to truly warm up to Castiel until perhaps the end of season 4. He begins the season unsure of the angel, perhaps even a bit afraid of him, before the two garner a sort of mutual respect as Dean begins to see that there’s more to him than simply an agent of heaven.

They’re friends in season 5. The quirky, strange angel that doesn’t understand social cues, stands too close, stares too much, and says things like “we’re making it up as we go” and “tonight you’re my little bitch.” He’s a far cry from the ethereal entity that showed up in Bobby’s kitchen just a year ago and threatened to toss Dean back into Hell. What really turns the curve, however, is “The End.”

5 years in the future in the midst of an apocalyptic war, Cas is still around. He’s human and he’s stuck by Dean’s side through it all, even though this Dean is just a shadow of his former self. Then again, so is this Cas. But still, they stuck together. Dean isn’t used to that. He has very few people that have stuck by him for this many years. Could probably count them all on one hand at this point. Bobby and Sam at the top of the list. Everyone else either dies or leaves. And in this future, Bobby and Sam are dead, but Cas is still there.

Dean has abandonment issues. His mother died when he was four, his dad was in and out emotionally and physically his entire upbringing, Sam left for Stanford the first chance he got. He’s got strings of dead friends and lost relationships surely in tow for years at this point, and half the time Dean has become accustomed to pushing people away before they have a chance to push him away first. (Ie Cassie, Lisa, often even Sam too at times). Cas won’t make these issues any better during their run together, but up to this point Cas hasn’t let him down. The simple fact that in this one future universe Cas had stuck by him, I’m sure that makes a big difference to Dean and actually may be imperative for their relationship going forward and the trust that forms between them.

Something that becomes a large part of their relationship is Cas and Dean’s ability to have conversations with just their eyes. This is a shorthand that Dean is known to have with Sam on occasion, especially during times of combat. It takes a certain amount of intimacy and knowledge of the other person to be able to have a shorthand like this. The first instance we see this between them is quite possibly “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Sam Winchester,” when Dean convinces Cas that they can save the town. We see it again in the ‘beautiful room’ when Cas slams Dean up against the wall and Dean seems to understand what’s happening. Another instance, “The Song Remains the Same.” In a way, it’s a locking of eyes that just seems to say “trust me,” and they do.

Sam wonders if Anna may be right. If killing him and scattering the pieces will stop this whole Lucifer vessel business. Sam asks Cas, Cas looks to Dean, they share a look, and Cas shuts Sam down. In all likelihood that plan could have worked, but Cas wouldn’t do that Dean. He wouldn’t do it to Sam either but at this point he’ll do anything at all for Dean.

If we take a moment to consider Dean and Cas’ relationship here, it is unlike any of Dean’s previous ones. Dean never has this same kind of shorthand with any of his other relationships, save for possibly Benny to a certain extent. Cas is an odd guy, and Dean frequently describes him as such, but he finds it endearing (if “Free to be You and Me” is any indication this early in their relationship). The previous women in his life all had the same thing in common, that they’re strong willed, brave, and don’t put up with Dean’s shit when he’s being a shit. Cas does fit all this criteria, but he’s also someone that Dean has a hard time reading. Cas is so literal sometimes that Dean can’t tell what’s literal, what’s deadpan, and what’s just Cas’ personality as an angel. But at the end of the day, simply put, he likes him and he trusts him. Getting Dean Winchester’s full trust as quickly as Cas gets it is an anomaly all on its own.

Dean’s female relationships are fairly surface level. They’re easy and fairly uncomplicated. Boy likes girl, girl likes boy. Girl gets mad at boy, relationship ends. Easy. Expected. His relationship with Cas isn’t easy. But the big endgame relationships seldom are. There’s blood, loss of trust, rebuilding, and there’s a pull that at the end of the day always brings them back to one another no matter how incredibly messy things get.

And boy do things get messy. If we touch back into the end of season 6 where things end with Lisa and blow up with Cas, Dean is at an all time low in the relationship department.

Dean takes Cas’ betrayal hard. Breakups are one thing. Leaving Lisa was expected. It was bound to happen eventually. Dean always knew that somewhere inside. He mourns leaving them, but knows it’s for the best. But with Cas’ betrayal at working with Crowley, he’s devastated all over again.

Dean never expects his relationships to last forever, but again there’s a choice few people in his life he lets take up space on the list of those who might stick around. Bobby, Sam, Cas. I don’t think Lisa was ever on this list, as much as Dean wishes he could tell himself she and Ben were. But they weren’t. That relationship was a ticking time bomb. And when they nearly die because of his life and the creatures surrounding him every day, that’s the end of it.

Fast forward, season 7 is a time of mourning. He’s lost Lisa and Ben, he gets Cas back for all of 30 minutes before losing him all over again and never being able to repair that relationship. But he keeps the trenchcoat. Fishes it out of the lake, bundles it up, and keeps it in the back of every single car that he and Sam drive that year.

Dean doesn’t keep mementos. Not of Cassie, not of Jo, Not of Anna, or even Lisa and Ben. No pictures, no items, just memories. You know what he does keep? He keeps his dad’s leather jacket, Bobby’s flask, pictures of he and Sam and his mom. Is keeping the trenchcoat in the back of the car for a year similar to those familial keepsakes? Maybe. But it’s also more than that. It’s covered in blood and lake water, and I’m sure Dean would explain it away that Cas was family and that’s why he kept the coat. Probably even believes that too.

Then we have purgatory.

Dean prays to Cas every night. He could get out of that place just on his own, but he stays there for months in full combat just to look for the angel and get him out with him.

“First we find the angel”

“Cas, we’re gettin’ out of here. We’re going home.”

“Cas, buddy, I need you.”

“Let me bottom line it for you. I’m not leaving here without you. Understand?”

“Cas, we’re gonna shove your ass back through the eye of that needle if it kills all three of us.”

“It’s gonna work. Nobody gets left behind.”

When we meet Benny, Dean’s only other primary male pairing of consequence, he is not trusted. This team-up is one of strategy and a mutual goal only- at least at first. Dean and Benny fight well side by side, but the trust only runs so far. That is, until during one particular fight with leviathans in which Cas nearly bites it, Benny saves the angel’s life. This is the main turning point for Dean’s entire trust in Benny from here on out.

“Benny has never let me down.” Dean says later to Sam. And he never did. He saved Cas, got Dean out of purgatory, and then later on he gets himself sent back to purgatory just so he can help Dean’s brother get out of there.

Dean and Benny’s relationship was “pure” in purgatory. They didn’t have to worry as much about the fact that Benny was a vampire and Dean was a hunter, they were just brothers in arms who earned one another’s trust, respect and love. There’s no way you let a man kill you and send you to purgatory to save his brother if you don’t love him.

Their relationship once they broke out of purgatory is where things began to sour, not because of anything either of them did to the other, but more the space they let grow. Regular Earth was different from purgatory and these men had to go back to their roles and say sayonara. “What happened in purgatory stayed in purgatory” and all that. Benny was a vampire and Dean was a hunter. That kind of thing mattered here despite the fact that they did care for one another.

Dean and Benny’s tumultuous relationship in relation to the people in Dean’s life could be reminiscent of a queer experience in itself. A lack of acceptance from Sam, Bobby, Martin- Dean’s family. Not because of who Benny was, but what he was. Pair this with the already established fact that Amelia and Sam were a direct parallel to Dean and Benny, Season 8 has been one of the most blatantly queer-coded seasons as of yet.

Which brings us to “Goodbye Stranger.” It is established early on this season that Dean feels that there’s something wrong with Cas, something off about him. The fact that they don’t know how he popped out of purgatory is just one part of it. It’s in the way he acts, how spacey he is, the fact that he doesn’t answer Dean’s prayers. “I always come when you call.” Cas once said. And he did. Until now.

This is another aspect of their relationship which is simply there and not spoken about much- similar to their staring and eye communication thing they do. Dean started their relationship unable to read all of Cas’ quirks very well and unsure of the guy. Now, he’s fluent in the language of Cas. He knows by tone of voice, by shiftiness, by his expressions- when something is up. Maybe he started paying more attention after the whole Rafael situation until he could read Cas like the back of his hand, or maybe he just started paying attention just to pay attention.

He’s known something is wrong for months while Cas has been under Naomi’s control. Just the same as years later, he knows something is up when Lucifer is taking a ride in Cas’ body. And he knows in 12x15 just by the way Cas speaks on the phone that something is off with him.

They come upon the angel tablet in the crypt, and Dean does fight back when Cas starts in on him, but he spends even more energy trying to get Cas to come back to him and fight whatever force has him under control. He never once stopped to think that this was just Cas. “This isn’t you! Fight this!” Dean would repeat over and over as Cas beats him nearly to death.

There was a moment he certainly thought that Cas would kill him, and it seemed like he was more bothered by the fact that it was Cas that would do it more so than the thought of dying.

Cas breaks through the mind control, heals Dean. Then he leaves. So, again, Cas leaves. He keeps doing that to Dean. I stated before that Dean’s abandonment issues come into play in this relationship, but unlike at the beginning where Dean saw a future that Cas stays in, this Cas keeps coming and going. This makes it difficult for Dean to trust him fully, to rely on him. But the fact of the matter is that he does still trust him completely, and that’s what bothers Dean.

When Cas does come back again, collapsed and bloody in the middle of the street, Dean puts up a wall. He’s hurt and he’s tired. He doesn’t want to trust him as much as he does and he definitely doesn’t want him to keep coming and going without a thought. (What’s interesting to note here, though, is Dean’s change in character as this occurs through the years. Because while here he may simply give Cas the cold shoulder and not talk much about his hurt in this situation, we see later on in 12x19 after Dean has been fretting for days about where Cas has gone off to, and Cas finally does return, he voices his side of things. “With everything that’s going on, you can’t just go dark like that. We didn’t know what happened to you. We were worried, that’s not okay.”)

Naomi hits the nail on the head when she visits Dean after Castiel disappears and she notices Dean still hasn’t warded the boat against angels. It is moments like these that we realize just how much everyone else around these two also notice their chemistry and their deep devotion to one another, always seeming to fall back to one another.

“I think you have me confused with the other angel. You know, the one in the dirty trenchcoat who’s in love with you.” - Balthazar S6

“The stench of that impala is all over your overcoat, angel.” - Crowley S6

“Castiel? Oh, he’s not here. See, he has this weakness. He likes you.” -Uriel S4

(to Dean) “Go ask him, he was your boyfriend first.” - Meg S7

“I have tiptoed through all your little tulips. Your memories, your little feelings, yes. I know what you hate. I know who you love, what you fear.” - The Empty S13

“And then after a rousing speech, his true weakness is revealed. He’s in love... with humanity.” - Metatron S9

“I’m sorry, did you just say that you lost a Winchester? Because, one, that’s... interesting. And, two, how is it that you lost Dean? I thought the two of you were joined at the... you know, everything.” - Kipling S14

“And for what again? Oh, that’s right, to save Dean Winchester. That was your goal, right? I mean, you drape yourself in the flag of heaven, but ultimately, it was about saving one human, right? Well, guess what? He’s dead, too.” - Metatron S9

“Don’t lose it all over one man.” - Hannah S9

“The very touch of you corrupts. When Castiel first laid a hand on you in Hell he was lost!” - Hester S7

“Oh, sweet. Almost anything. Castiel? He’s dead. All the way dead. Because of you.” - Miriam S13

“And then you’d kill the angel, Castiel. Now that one, that I suspect would hurt something awful.” - Cain S10

“He should know this- Lucifer, his favorite, isn’t doing so well. Say nothing of the vessel, your friend Castiel.” - Amara S11

“I’m gonna cure you of your human weakness, the same way I cured my own. By cutting it out.” - Isham S12

Bonus: Dean to Sam about Garth’s baby Castiel- Dean: “This Cas keeps looking at me weird.” Sam: “So kinda like the real Cas.”

It is time and again that opposing forces recognize the relationship between Dean and Castiel, and it’s commented on and used against them frequently.

As we move forward to the angels falling and human Castiel, this season opens up with dean in the hospital with a very ill Sam. The first thing he does before contacting anyone else is pray to Castiel. There’s a moment in 9x03 where Castiel walks into a church and speaks with a woman there. He expresses his lack of faith and she says, “I guess that’s why we pray. You need something stronger than yourself.” Dean never prayed until he started praying to Cas. He prayed to Cas during the apocalypse, in purgatory, when Sam was sick during the trials, now in this hospital. Dean might not have faith in God, but he does in Cas.

Castiel is human, and while Dean tears apart the grid trying to find him while angels are on Cas’ ass, he still watches him die, then has to kick him from the safety of the bunker the very same day. Up until this point, Cas has been a genuine part of their family regardless of their squabbles over the past months, but kicking him from the bunker damages that. Once the reasoning comes to light, however, Cas is forgiving immediately. He’d forgiven Dean even before that. That’s one thing about Cas that Dean never seems to get over either. Dean can get angry and take things out on him, kick him from the bunker, make stupid decisions and nearly kill himself, holler at him, blame him, but Cas comes back every time. He forgives him every time. It’s already overwhelming when Sam does this, but the ease at which Castiel consistently forgives Dean is a lot.

Dean gets the Mark of Cain. It’s a means to an end, he says. When he becomes a demon as a result, this is when his relationship with Crowley is deepened. This relationship is an interesting one because it’s essentially an unrequited example. Dean likes Crowley, and when he’s a demon he has a good time, but Crowley’s feelings appear to go much deeper- even if he tries not to show it.

It is very possible that Dean and Crowley’s relationship is a formation more as a result of a joke than anything else- where the writers are concerned. But whether that was the intention or not, this is a relationship that continues to affect Crowley’s actions towards Dean for the rest of the series. He doesn’t let Dean kill innocents as he’s a demon, he saves Castiel from certain death as his grace drains, he gives Sam the information to find Dean so he can be cured, and he aids in getting the mark removed from Dean even as Sam attempts to kill him in the process. In return, Dean gives Crowley the benefit of the doubt more often, and they share a sort of mutual respect. What differs here, however, from Dean’s relationships with Benny or Castiel, is Dean’s actions. It is clear that Dean doesn’t feel as deeply as Crowley does, so this is an interesting relationship to compare side by side with the others.

Not only this, but DeanxCrowley in these first few episodes can be seen as a parallel with CasxHannah. Two unreciprocated relationships which do not last long in this particular phase, but do result in a friendship within these pairings as time goes on.

Still with the Mark of Cain, Dean and Cain have a few things in common. Cain had said that his wife, Colette, before she died had asked him to stop. Stop the killing. It’s several months after that that Dean is going off the rails and Cas, behind Dean as he’s walking away, asks Dean to stop. He nearly kills Cas then, almost fulfilling Cain’s words just weeks earlier: “And then you’ll kill the angel, Castiel. And that, I suspect, would hurt something awful.” This is a direct romantic parallel written into the show.

When the darkness is released, Amara and Dean are immediately drawn to one another through some sort of connection as a remnant of the mark. This relationship is another interesting one, because it ties in to true desire and consent. Dean is drawn to her, yes, and she is sold as a sort of potential love interest this season, but Dean himself doesn’t want anything to do with her. He’s hypnotized when he’s around her, but as soon as he’s away this energy dissipates.

So in light of this storyline let’s talk about consent and the sexualization of Dean Winchester for a second, shall we?

Dean is an often highly sexualized individual. He plays along more in his younger days, but the older he gets the more frustrated he becomes with the whole situation. I’m sure there are more but here are some tentative examples (This is also something that happens to Sam a decent amount as well.):

Wendy at the psych ward in “Sam, Interrupted” kisses Dean

Pamela touching Dean’s inner thigh in “Lazarus Rising”

Ezra in “Time After Time” kisses Dean without consent

Gets turned into a vampire because he’s “pretty”

Pamela in “Dark Side of the Moon” kisses Dean

Almost becomes a vessel for Sandy’s mate in “The Thing” because she “enjoys looking at his face”

Amara kisses Dean in “O’ Brother Where Art Thou”

Mildred gropes Dean’s leg in “Into the Mystic” and continually makes advances even tho he’s uncomfortable.

Random girl slaps Dean’s ass in “The Last Call”

Ellie in S8 wants to sleep with Dean and even kisses him randomly

Meg kisses Dean as he’s being held against his will in “Sympathy for the Devil”

Granted, there aren’t a plethora of examples, but it’s still a lot and it is interesting to see how often Dean has been sexualized for someone else’s pleasure. It is bound to work into his characterization as well, and his sense of self-worth. He’s often described as the pretty one of the brothers, and seeing as he is the more promiscuous of the two, it is assumed that he welcomes all of or most of the attention that comes his way.

It is for this reason in particular that the situation with Amara is bothersome to me. Not only is Dean taken advantage of physically, but his mind is essentially hypnotized whenever she is near, not giving him total control over his actions or desires. Amara is in part meant to be sold as a romantic interest, but throughout the season Dean continually expresses his discontent. He’s even ashamed to admit these feelings to Sam and Cas, even though he knows it isn’t his fault he still feels responsible. (Which, if we think about it, this is could be a queer allegory too. The lack of choice, feeling shame, etc.)

What is notable, however, is the day that they attempt to capture Lucifer and speak to Cas to get him to expel Lucifer from his body. Amara makes a surprise appearance and captures Lucifer/Cas herself. Dean yells to Cas. This catches Amara’s attention and appears to confuse her, and even Lucifer, seeing as when Dean is around her he’s meant to have eyes for just her because of their “bond”. His link to Castiel appears to be stronger, however.

Amara uses this connection between Cas and Dean when she wishes to contact Dean, simply by placing her hand over Castiel’s heart. She says to Dean, “If you should cross paths, if (god) should reach out to you, he should know this - Lucifer, his favorite, isn’t doing so well. Say nothing of the vessel, your friend Castiel.”

If we backtrack a moment, Dean finding out that Castiel is possessed in the first place is a very emotional time for Dean. He doesn’t want to accept that Cas would make such a decision, put himself in that kind of danger, and choose to leave once again. Sam, the arguably more rational thinker at this current time, tries to rationalize that Cas may not come back willingly since he chose to let Lucifer in. “Not possible.” Dean says. It’s simply not possible that Cas doesn’t want to come back to them. It’s not something he can accept.

The next several episodes are begun with Dean either losing sleep trying to figure out what to do about Cas, or simply moping about. Sam has to comfort him each time. This is notable behavior as well, because Dean isn’t often one to wear his heart on his sleeve this frequently. Certainly he has his moments, but much of the time when he’s distressed he simply buries it all down and puts up a front. He doesn’t do that here. In fact, once they do begin to put together a plan with Crowley, Sam thinks they should still utilize Lucifer in the fight against Amara but thinks it’s foolish to move him into a new vessel.

((I actually counted up the mopey Dean scenes- between finding out Cas is possessed, to getting Cas back.))

There are four convos with Sam (multiple episodes) where Sam has to comfort Dean and say something along the lines of “we’ll get him back.” (Just as an aside, I don’t think there has ever been a scene in the series where Dean comforted Sam about Cas, it’s always Sam having to comfort a freaking out Dean)

Then, of course, there’s the scene where Dean comforts a victim and she says “I watched the man I love die. There’s no normal after that.”

There’s the “It’s not an ‘it,’ Sam. It’s Cas.” scene.

There’s Dean trying to get through to Cas when they capture Lucifer.

There’s the Dean yelling “Cas?” to Casifer when Amara is in the room.

There’s two more scenes where Sam comforts Dean again.

There’s “The Chitters” episode with the gay hunter couple. (This isn’t a direct relation, but more of an honorable mention because it seems abstractly relevant)

Amara connecting to Dean through Cas’ heart.

Dean freaking out about making it to Cas in time and again talking to Sam about it.

Dean asking “what about Cas?” as they’re planning the attack with God against Amara.

Someone has said once that you can tell that Dean is in love with Cas because Sam isn’t. It’s in moments like this that this becomes readily apparent. Yes, Sam cares about Cas, of course. But it’s just different than the way that Dean cares about Cas. When Dean cares about certain people, this love weaves into the very fabric of his being and he just feels it so completely and overwhelmingly, he can’t simply not fight for it.

“Dean, it’s a strong vessel, it’s held Cas for years, and we know what he’s been through.” Sam says.

“It? It’s not an ‘it,’ Sam. It’s Cas.”

Dean appears almost shocked that these words would pass through Sam’s mouth. He’s confused that Sam wouldn’t fight for Cas just as much as Dean would. The type of love they each have for the angel is just different. Visually, action-wise, reaction-wise. This conversation in “Hell’s Angel” highlights that.

You know what else highlights it? The fact that when they do trap Lucifer, it’s only Dean who gets through to Cas and talks to him to get him to come back and expel Lucifer. It’s Cas only seeking Dean’s forgiveness in S7 when putting the souls back in Purgatory. It’s Dean in S6 being the only one to defend Cas in “The Man Who Would Be King.” It’s Dean later in that same episode being the one to get through to Cas in the circle of holy fire. It’s “I did it, all of it, for you.” It’s Dean carrying around that trenchcoat for a year and mourning when Sam doesn’t. It’s Bobby checking in on Dean mourning Cas, but doesn’t check in with Sam about it. It’s Sam pulling Dean out of the apocalypse world in season 12 as Dean screams for Cas and physically fights against Sam to get to Cas. It’s Sam seeing Cas dead on the ground minutes later, but still able to walk away while Dean is frozen in place, frozen in shock. It’s Dean being the only one to wrap up Cas’ dead body. It’s Sam always having to reassure Dean that Cas is probably fine, whenever he goes missing for a little while. It’s Dean hardly able to function in S13 with this encompassing grief over Cas’ death and yelling “It got him dead! Now you might be able to forget about that, but I can’t.” It’s S15 when Rowena tells Dean and Cas to fix their quarrel before it’s too late, and later Dean in purgatory not sure of it is too late as he’s praying for Cas to be okay and crying against a tree.

Sam’s reactions are important to take into account. Sam cares, yes, but Cas isn’t as wholly encompassing in his life as he is in Dean’s. If anything else is to prove that, it’s the way that Dean grieves (I mean, if you were to put Sam in Dean’s place in 15x09 in Purgatory and their fight, there’s no way that Sam would react this extremely).

There are three different points to highlight Dean’s grief. The first is season 7 with the trenchcoat, which we’ve already talked about. The second is when Cas is possessed by Lucifer, which we have covered as well. The most damning, however, is Dean’s season 13 grief arc following Cas’ death. Dean also loses his mother during this time and a few other friends, but considering how he reacts when Cas comes back, a great amount of this grief has to do with Cas. Dean completely loses hope and faith in anything at all during this time. He hates Jack for giving Cas false hope and getting him killed. He doesn’t believe in their mission anymore. He doesn’t believe anything matters at all. “Right now, I don’t believe in a damn thing.” Dean admits to Sam. When Cas comes back from the dead, however, he pulls a complete 180. He has hope again. He has faith. And all of it begins with Cas.

Lastly, Dean never hooks up with anyone again after Castiel’s final resurrection. We can go through an outline of the steady decline of Dean’s hookups and relations outside of Cas as the decade goes, but during this three year window specifically, Dean’s only pairing is Cas. Sure, he might flirt with someone every now and again, but this never goes anywhere. (Arguably the person he flirts with the most in any episode in these final three seasons is Daphne, but idk if that even counts much considering she is a cartoon.) And as Pamela says once in Rocky’s bar: “Besides, you don’t want me. You just like to flirt. I’m psychic so I kinda know.” And that was just in Dean’s head anyways so it’s probably even more true than had Pamela actually said it herself.

When Jack comes in the picture in season 13, and Castiel comes back from the dead, this makeshift little family is formed. All three men act as father figures to this half-angel kid at different capacities, and amongst this dynamic another is formed a bit further between Dean and Cas. They’ve already been acting a bit as an old married couple in recent years (Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets, anyone?) but this co-parenting scenario they’ve found themselves in has solidified this dynamic all the more as they collaborate on the issues that arise with Jack. In “Lebanon” when John Winchester comes back for a brief period, John even says to Dean that he’d hoped he would get a family someday and get out of hunting and such. Dean replies, “I have a family.” Sam, Cas, and Jack are his family. Cas has been family for a long time, but here and now Dean just isn’t looking for anything else or anything normal. He’s happy with himself and the people he’s surrounded by. He’s not looking for anything else or anyone else.

For a change of perspective, let’s check out Castiel’s relationships over the years.

Unlike Dean, Castiel’s queerness and interest in Dean has been officially canonized. We can speculate all we want on the legitimacy of Dean’s love for Cas, but we can speak in certainties about Castiel. Castiel is in love with Dean Winchester. Speculation can come in when we consider, just how long has this love existed for him? Let’s start from the beginning.

Right off the bat when we meet Castiel, he’s a semi-emotionless soldier of heaven who works under strict orders and doesn’t have much free-will. Dean begins to change this. We can see even in their first couple encounters that Castiel is interested in Dean- in what he has to say, intrigue in the fact that Dean talks back to the angels (despite that these angels are unkillable beings and could smite him on the spot), the fact that he’s snarky and brave and questions everything. Where Uriel finds Dean annoying and blasphemous, Castiel finds the back-talk fascinating. Dean’s words impact Cas, and it’s not long before he starts to have doubts about Heaven. Following these orders blindly and unquestioningly starts to seem foolish when Dean puts things in a different perspective.

Even after Cas undergoes what some have funnily dubbed “conversion therapy” in “The Rapture” (when Cas had finally decided on going against Heaven and to help Dean stop the apocalypse) it’s still not enough to stop him completely. A bit more time with Dean and he’s convinced yet again to help this one human man stop the apocalypse with his brother. He even dies for him and this new mission of his.

Castiel throughout this first season is interesting because we see firsthand his struggle to understand beginning to feel emotions and accept thinking for himself. “For the first time, I feel...” He says to Anna. He wants her to tell him what to do. He wants orders because that’s all he knows, and he doesn’t understand why suddenly he cares. It hurts him to send Dean in to torture Alastair. It hurts him even later when in the beautiful room Dean dismisses him with a “What do you care, you’re already dead. We’re done.”

It’s possible that in these first several months, or even these first couple seasons, that Castiel follows Dean around and does as he asks because he’s allotted Dean as the new being he serves. Because serving is what he knows. But it’s also through this that he begins caring more and more. He learns more how to express certain emotions, he learns more about humanity, he learns more about what is important in life and what is worth fighting for. As Cas will admit himself 12 years later, “Ever since we met, ever since I pulled you out of Hell... Knowing you has changed me. Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you. I cared about Sam. I cared about Jack... I cared about the whole world because of you.”

We start to see sprinkles of this especially throughout season 5 as Cas begins to come to terms with caring and adopting Dean’s mindset to care. Consider Sam for a moment. He and Cas don’t necessarily get along a lot and mostly just tolerate one another in these early days. However, as we see in “Abandon All Hope” when Castiel is captured by Lucifer, Cas gets visually upset at the concept of Lucifer taking Sam as his vessel. “You are not taking Sam Winchester. I won’t let you.”

Sam and Cas don’t have much of a relationship at this point, but Cas cares because Dean does. In “The Song Remains the Same” not long later, he even refers to Sam as his friend.

By the time S6 rolls around Castiel is in the midst of a civil war in heaven entirely because he has adopted the Winchester’s all encompassing mindset on the importance of free-will. Castiel is making his own choices, and he does everything he can to protect the Winchesters from harm as he does so. He decides not to seek out Dean’s help while he’s raking leaves because Dean had already sacrificed too much in Castiel’s eyes. He raises Sam from perdition because he feels it the right thing to do. He re-sinks the Titanic to keep the boys from being killed by Fate.

Personally, I think Castiel has been slowly falling in love with Dean this entire time, he’s just not aware what this feeling is. But this becomes even more plausible to me when we get Castiel’s perspective in “The Man Who Would Be King.” Cas cares what Bobby and Sam think of him, sure, but all he focuses on is Dean. Dean’s happiness and ensuring he not sacrifice more. Dean’s loyalty even as Cas seems to be guilty. Dean’s words when they capture Cas in holy fire.

The problem is, their relationship this season is also rocky. Cas seems to think that he’s merely a tool at the Winchester’s disposal and not much else. But he doesn’t mind because he cares about them so much, so what do his feelings matter? He sees himself as their protector. Their guardian angel. A role he’s fine with filling regardless of how they feel in return.

But when things get bad, Dean says to him “Next to Sam, you and Bobby are the closest things I have to family. You are like a brother to me. So if I’m asking you not to do something... You’ve gotta trust me, man.” and Cas seems genuinely surprised at this admission. Emotional, even.

As time goes on, Castiel’s actions nearly primarily revolve around Dean

After Cas realizes his error and is sending the purgatory souls back to their place, he tells Dean repeatedly that he’ll find some way to redeem himself to him. That’s the most important thing to him then.

When Cas smites the demons outside of the mental hospital in 7x17, all of his flashes of memories coming back were memories of Dean.

Partially to aid Sam and partially to redeem himself to Dean, Cas takes on Sam’s Hell brain in the asylum and goes crazy.

Cas runs in purgatory to keep the leviathans away from Dean.

Cas breaks out of Naomi’s mind control/brainwashing because of his feelings for Dean.

Let’s talk about that final bullet point for a moment. The Naomi chapter is damning in “Goodbye Stranger.” It isn’t copies of both Sam and Dean that Naomi trains Castiel to kill hundreds upon hundreds of times. No, it’s ONLY clones of Dean.

“What broke the connection?” Dean will ask after Castiel heals him in the crypt and takes control back over his mind. “I don’t know.” Cas will say. It wasn’t the angel tablet. That may have unwound the last of Naomi’s control over him, yes, but he’d dropped that angel blade before that. It was Dean that broke that connection. Even if this remains unsaid, it doesn’t make it any less true. Maybe Castiel starts to have an understanding of what his feelings are and what they mean here, but he won’t be truly sure until he soon becomes human.

Before we get there, though, we’ll take a brief pause to explore Cas’ heterosexual explorations and connections.

First is Meg. Cas’ relationship with Meg is born of sexual exploration more than anything else at its conception. He’d just been watching porn in his downtime and when Meg kisses him, he goes with it enthusiastically. Later, he seems to have a certain infatuation with her in his “crazy” state, and seems to trust her perhaps simply because she had been watching over him in the institution.

This is interesting because in his “crazy” state, Cas is a lot more raw and unfiltered and optimistic than he ever has been before. He compliments her, is concerned with her safety, and trusts her. On the contrary, with Dean, Cas is a lot more hesitant and even fearful when talking about certain subjects with him because of his past failings. He tries to keep the peace without directly getting involved because his direct involvement in the past had failed them all so spectacularly.

He and Meg continue to have a sort of connection whenever they cross paths until her demise the next season, and he still holds a respect for her years later, continuing to use her nickname for him “Clarence” as an alias at various times.

When Castiel becomes human in S9, he’s a bit lost and overwhelmed. April takes him in for the night. Although this is a short-lived romance considering she tortures and kills him the next day, for a brief enough time Cas starts to become acquainted with human romance and sexual desire. He loses his virginity to her. It is estimated by some that this is merely sexual experimentation on the part of a very confused newly human Cas, and others have used this to say that Cas is not gay but pan or bi. The conclusion in any regard, in my opinion, is purely up to the viewer.

If I’m to offer my opinion, however, seeing as he has shown interest in both sexes, though remains unlabeled, I consider him simply an unlabeled queer person. Sexual identity and orientation has never seemed to matter much to Castiel, so I don’t see why it should matter to me. He loves who he loves, simple as that.

When we get to Hannah, she provides an interesting foil to Castiel for a time, and an emphasizing expression on just how much he’s changed since his introduction to Earth and the Winchesters. Where Castiel has been open to a plethora of new emotions and experiences through the years which have made him a bit more human than angel at times, Hannah is still new to humanity and the range and movement of emotions that come with it. Just how little she seems to understand proves how much Castiel has grown and does understand by comparison.

As such, he seems to pick up on the fact that Hannah has an attachment to him that appears to be forming into a romantic or sexual interest. He gently turns her down multiple times, not expressing interest in her behavior although he does respect her greatly as a person. Though this relationship isn’t considered romantic from Castiel’s perspective, its unrequited nature again is a good parallel to Dean and Crowley’s relationship at this same time. Angel x Angel and Demon x Demon. Both one sided.

Now, let’s get back to Dean.

Up to the point that Castiel turns human, for however brief a time, he finally gets a look behind the curtain of human emotion. Now, we all know that Cas is in love with Dean already here- and probably has been for some time. Years, even- but it’s my personal belief that during this time turning human is when he actually realizes it and understands where these emotions come from.

Maybe it’s the heartbreak of Dean kicking him from the bunker, maybe it’s seeing Dean again when he shows up in line at the Gas n Sip, or maybe it’s somewhere in between when he sees two people on the street looking at each other and realizes “oh, that’s love. I know what that is. I felt that, too.” And every moment from then on he realizes what that feeling was in his chest when he looked at Dean for a little too long, or why it hurt so much to see the pain in Dean’s eyes at something Cas had done, or why hearing Dean’s prayers to him just felt different than they did with Sam’s. Why everything that he’d done since he rebelled from heaven was in the name of doing the right thing, muddled alongside doing the right thing for Dean. Caring because of Dean. Caring for Dean.

It’s during this time when he realizes what these feelings are, that he also must come to terms with the fact that they’re unreciprocated (or as he believes, anyway). This is for two reasons. The first, he still believes at this time that Dean kicked him from the bunker just because. And the second, if there’s anything that Cas took to heart from Dean’s example as strongly as the concept of free-will, it’s self-loathing. He doesn’t see himself worthy of love. Dean doesn’t see himself worthy of love either. They’re both messy piles of self-loathing that breeds into a blindness to the depth of care they hold for one another.

Now that we’re on the topic of self-loathing, this leads into Castiel and his decision to become Lucifer’s vessel in season 11. Much like Dean, Cas has a consistent issue with seeing his own personal self-worth, so when the opportunity comes along to “be of service to the fight” and become Lucifer’s vessel, he takes it on easily. He considers himself expendable, and he won’t see just how much Dean struggles with this fact while he’s possessed. In fact, Cas never knows just how much Dean struggles with his absence at all, which is just one of the many divides between the two of them that could easily be resolved with communication, if either were ever good at that.

Once Lucifer is shoved from Cas’ body, however, Dean makes a point to let Cas know just how important he is in his life. He’s said Cas was family before, but that was before the falling out at the end of season 6. Dean makes it clear that he and Sam both consider Cas family, once again, during a ride in Baby. “You’re our brother, Cas. I want you to know that.”

Now, here, simultaneous heartbreak and love occur. Because while Cas is likely very much in love with Dean here, and very much aware of it, to hear that Dean simply thinks of him as a brother must ache a bit. However, we’re also talking about Dean Winchester, and for him to call someone a brother is an immense depth of love, probably the most the man is even capable of. Dean never says the words “I love you” to anyone, so this is about the closest anyone could get. Cas knows this, he’s well-versed in the ways of Dean Winchester by now. So, while it aches, his heart is also full.

Comparable to:

“We need you, Cas. I need you.” 8x17

“We’re gonna shove your ass back through the eye of that needle if it kills all three of us.” 8x05

“Don’t make me lose you, too.” 7x23

“Don’t do anything stupid”

The entire purgatory confession/apology prayer in 15x09

Cas returns this love just hours later, offering to go with Dean to die taking out Amara.

If we jump forward to the divorce arc of season 14-15, we can hit upon the next great heartbreak of Castiel’s sad little love life. While the Winchester brothers, Castiel, and Jack have all become a family unit, Castiel never wants to lose that. But two things happen. First, Cas’ deal with The Empty is made, and somewhere along the line, silently, he becomes aware that allowing himself to be happy, and that happiness, somehow involves Dean. The second thing that happens is Jack kills Mary Winchester, and Dean says Castiel is dead to him.

So, The Empty won’t take him, but his family is broken apart. Castiel never gives up on a single family member, though. That’s the thing about Cas. The same way he consistently forgives Dean for all his behaviors over the years, he never loses faith in anyone in this family. And when they come to reunite, he’s happy simply in appreciating any and all time they have together, however brief.

Then, in true Castiel fashion, he sacrifices himself for Dean Winchester in 15x18.

Their relationship has always left things unsaid, but I don’t think there’s ever been a question on whether Dean loves Cas or Cas loves Dean even if they don’t talk about it. You can’t look at Cas and Dean’s faces seeing each other again for the first time in weeks at the end of “The Last Call” and say that there wasn’t love and heartbreak there. On some level I think that Cas knew that Dean loved him back, but Dean was so buried in trauma at that point that it might take him years more to realize what he actually felt and what he needed. But Cas is such a selfless lover that he was absolutely 100% fine with just being around Dean for the rest of his life, even if he never got a chance to tell him how much he genuinely cared for him, and never got that reciprocation back. Castiel’s love for Dean is so pure and selfless it’s overwhelming to even consider, but for someone like Dean it would be a hundred times harder to accept or even fathom someone caring about him as much as Cas does.

So Castiel never pushes Dean further, never suggests, barely even touches him. The only liberties Cas takes are small touches to heal him (even though he doesn’t need to touch a person to heal them), a few small hugs through the years, just sharing comfortable space inside the impala, small moments watching Dean’s favorite movies with him, or sharing a moment over beers in the kitchen. And Cas’ happiness was in telling Dean how much he loved him likely because then maybe Dean would actually see how much he was worth. Cas wanted Dean to know how much he loved him and how he viewed him, because Dean deserved to love himself and was worthy of it.

The five types of love languages are as follows:

Words of affirmation

Physical touch

Gift giving

Acts of Service

Quality Time

One of the reasons Dean and Cas miss the mark with one another so often could simply come down to love languages. A lot of the time, what a person needs in love language is often what they also give. I don’t think this is the case where these two are concerned, though. They’re both so sacrificial that it’s difficult for them to accept this in return, even though this is what they each offer to the other and anyone else around them.

Both Cas and Dean’s giving love language is “acts of service” which translates into sacrificial actions much of the time, though it can also be more domestic than that as well. It’s Dean grabbing an extra beer for Cas or making food, or it’s Cas healing Dean without any prompting, Cas loading up on pie and beer at the Gas n Sip when Dean’s mad at him.

What they each need, however, is different. Dean needs “quality time.” He needs his people close, he needs them to answer calls, and he needs to know where they are. This clearly ties in to his abandonment issues, and it hurts his relationship with Cas significantly when the angel just keeps leaving, or disappears without answering his phone for days at a time. And when he dies, obviously. He always comes back, though. And half the time when he’s gone it’s because he’s trying to get a win for Dean against whatever issue the team is facing at the time.

What Cas needs, best I can tell, is “words of affirmation.” Cas has a consistent problem with thinking that he’s worth less than he is, and is less important to the people around him than he is. Dean obviously has this issue, too, but with Cas it’s somehow infinitely worse, if that’s even possible. Frequently, what he needs to get him going in low points is a few words from Dean or encouragement in general. To name a few:

“Maybe to fix it.” 7x17

“I’d rather have you, cursed or not.” 7x23, Cas then goes with Dean to find and kill Dick Roman

“I’m not leaving here without you.” S8 in purgatory when Cas wanted Dean to leave him behind but Dean was having none of it.

“You’re our brother, Cas.” 11x23, after Cas was possessed by Lucifer and thought he was expendable.

Over time, Dean does get a bit more vocal with Cas about issues he’s having or just with encouraging words as well. Cas, too, sticks around a lot more. They’re not perfect but they do begin to grow and work with one another in these later years to give one another what they need most to see how much the other is loved.

In conclusion, there is a significant amount of romance and sexuality written into this show, and simply interpreted as well. And that’s the thing, when a queer person says that they interpreted a certain piece of media as queer, it’s not up to someone else to say that they can’t, or shouldn’t, or that they’re interpreting something wrong. That’s the thing about media, it can have so many different interpretations and meanings to so many different people.

It’s my personal interpretation to see the queerness embedded in the text here. Maybe it’s not there for another person, and that’s cool too, just don’t tell me how I should see it. The fact is that it was written into the show to be interpreted, and interpret is what we did.

I’d love to hear any feedback that others may have regarding this. Any other theories, different interpretations, things I may have missed. I hope you enjoy the edits, and the endings I put together for them. We all need a little bit of happiness after that ending, so I hope it leaves you with a lighter heart. :)

Much love,

Taylor

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wooyunhwa · 4 years

Text

devil’s advocate | yunsan

view pinned post for my masterlist!

Genre: smut

Pairing: demon!san x angel!yunho

Word Count: 6.6k

Warnings: mostly pwp, idol/idol pairings, oral, fingering, barebacking, biting/blood drinking, kind of infidelity? although no one is actually dating anyone this whole fic is just a mess of love triangles everywhere but keep that in mind

Synopsis: Yunho summons San for a chat while Y/N is asleep, but he soon discovers that old habits die hard.

A/N: Here it is, the semi canon yunsan slash fic I’ve been talking about! If you haven’t read my kingdom series some of this may be confusing to you, since the characters and interactions are based on that fic, but the smut can be enjoyed on its own I think! This story happens somewhere in the middle of my fic, while San is still a demon and Yunho is still watching after Y/N. This is canon if you want it to be, and not canon if you don’t! Enjoy~

Y/N had nodded off while studying with her headphones in, as usual. Yunho decided to let her be, not daring to interrupt her sleep by rousing her to take off her headphones or move her to a more comfortable position. She always slept better when listening to something anyway, he noticed.

Yunho could have left. He could have gone home—he even could have used the opportunity to get a good night’s sleep, take advantage of his human body that was constantly threatening him with the need to dream. It was so unfamiliar to him.

But as Yunho prepared to leave, a peculiar post-it, pinned precariously above Y/N’s desk, caught his eye. He knew it was San’s calling card, or at least he could guess as much by the Latin scribblings. He froze for a moment, his limbs feeling like lead as his body moved him towards the post-it note. It was a bad idea, he knew it, but his body was pulling him forward before any sense of reason or logic could catch up.

As an angel, he couldn’t summon San even if he wanted to, calling card or not. But as a temporary human, he was free to do what he wished with San—with a curious loophole. As an angel, even in his human body, he didn’t need a contract with San.

He exited the room quietly, shutting the door gingerly behind him. If he was going to have an opportunity to talk to San alone, now was probably the best—if not only—time he would have to do it. He stood in the middle of the living room facing the kitchen, bringing the post-it note up to recite San’s card carefully.

“Well this is an unexpected surprise,” San’s voice rang out from behind him. Yunho swiveled on his heels to see San poised neatly on the couch, looking as dark and devilish as ever. He ran his fingers through his hair, tousling it gently as his crimson gaze met Yunho’s. “The human’s place and yet… no human?”

“She’s asleep,” Yunho explained calmly, shoving his hands in his pockets. “I thought we could talk.”

“Talk, hm?” San fiddled his lip ring in his fingers absently, dragging his lip down slightly as he pulled at it. “Hm… Is that liquor I smell on your innocent little angel breath, Yunho?” San asked with a smug smirk, but no question needed to be asked. Yunho smelled unmistakably like the glass of alcohol he’d had with Y/N earlier in the evening—an activity he wasn’t exactly used to yet. Alcohol was useless to an angel, but to his human form, it was liquid gold.

“I—it doesn’t matter…” Yunho started, heat pooling in his cheeks from San’s call out. He was embarrassed to have even given in to a drink in the first place. It was a bit sinful, as an angel.

San’s eyes gleamed mischievously as he gazed at Yunho up and down. “Don’t worry, Yunyun. I won’t tell.” He made a zipping motion with his fingers against his lips.

“Don’t call me that, San. I told you never to call me that again,” Yunho said through gritted teeth.

“What, are you just going to pretend forever?” San raised himself slowly from the couch, taking a step towards Yunho. “Pretend that we weren’t a thing?”

Yunho rolled his eyes. “A thing? Is that what you want to call it now?” He took a deep breath, collecting himself. San knew exactly which buttons of his to push—he always did. “I didn’t come here to talk about this, you know. I came here to talk about our situation.”

San quirked an eyebrow, eyes glazed over with an emotion Yunho couldn’t quite place. “What if I don’t want to talk?”

“No one said you have to say, San. You know I can’t contract you. You’re free to go if you want,” Yunho said, trying to seem as unbothered as possible. But the truth was, he was completely bothered by the idea of San leaving. Maybe it was the drink slightly rose-coloring his vision, but San looked… incredible.

He was lean, as always, his proportions immaculate—a statue of a demon, waist cinched in beautifully by a belt, then erupting into a dizzying display of broad shoulders. Yunho wiped his mouth subconsciously, swiping away the drool that had somehow collected at the corners of his lips. His time with San was a distant memory, but one that, at this moment, he desperately wanted to experience again. If only once.

Something Yunho didn’t know about alcohol—it made him horny. He’d only had one small glass, and yet he felt himself growing harder by the minute, especially when standing right in front of San like this. He wondered if San noticed. Yunho wouldn’t call himself gay, not in the slightest. But he always had a soft spot for San. Maybe that was why, now, he couldn’t do anything but picture San naked underneath him.

He shook the thoughts from his head, coming back into reality when San took another step forward. Yunho stumbled back slightly.

“That’s fine. I’d like to stay. Been a while since we got some time to talk alone, wouldn’t you say, Yunyun?” The nickname poured off San’s tongue with so much power, so much conviction. Yunho knew he was toying with him, but a part of him welcomed it.

“San, I don’t have time for—”

“For what, hmm? A little alone time with your ex-lover?” San flashed his fangs, and Yunho stumbled back until his back met the cold surface of the kitchen counter. “I have to admit, you look good. It’s too bad you don’t have your pretty little wings.”

He looked Yunho up and down with his blood-red eyes, gleaming impishly as he noticed Yunho’s nervous disposition. Yunho could barely hide the way he was squirming now, feet shuffling against the floor, not quite sure where to put his hands. He crossed his legs slightly to conceal his boner, but he knew San had already seen it by the look in his eye as his gaze moved downwards.

“I knew you still had a soft spot for me, Yunho. Or maybe a hard spot…” He took one more step forward, pinning Yunho with his hands, trapping him against the marble countertop. “Feeling flustered by me, angel boy? Cute.”

Yunho scoffed, shoving San off him. “I’m not playing your games, San. I know you.”

San clicked his teeth against his fangs, then drew his tongue across his lip annoyedly. “You’re no fun. I was just playing around.”

As much as Yunho hated to admit it, and how much he knew that San was just toying with him for fun, he had a point. Yunho was completely flustered—San was irresistible to him in every way, especially now. Yunho’s boner throbbed against the crotch of his pants, the discomfort compounding by the second as he watched San’s every move.

“So, were we gonna talk?” San asked, elbow leaning against the counter next to Yunho. “Or are you just gonna keep checking me out?”

Yunho remembered why he’d originally brought San here—to talk. But he couldn’t quite remember what about, or why, or even think about anything but San looking like that. “I—uh… uh, yeah. Talk. We should do that.”

San let out a cheeky laugh, lips curling up into his familiar smirk, a flash of fangs and charming dimples. “You don’t sound very convinced of that, angel boy.”

Yunho’s eyes trained on San’s lips. He had a one track mind now—and his dick was right with him. He couldn’t believe he was even considering coming on to San like this, in Y/N’s apartment with her sleeping just a wall away. He wasn’t really worried about waking her, since she fell asleep with her headphones in, but it still felt morally wrong. He wasn’t in the mood to think about morals, though, to his surprise—considering he was an angel of the highest moral compass. Or so his coworkers would say. He was never one to break an angel code. Thankfully for him, there was nothing in angel code against human-him kissing his demon ex-lover in his assignment’s apartment. At least, he was pretty sure there wasn’t.

Yunho’s lips came down on San’s before he had even a minute more to rationalize with himself. He pulled his body around San’s, this time pinning him like he’d pinned Yunho minutes before. San moaned in surprise against his mouth, pausing for a minute at Yunho’s sudden initiation before reciprocating the kiss against him.

San slowly peeled himself away from the kiss. “Mm, I know I was teasing you earlier, but I didn’t expect you to actually kiss me, Yunyun.”

Yunho furrowed his brows. “Do you not… want me to?”

San’s eyes glazed with lust, biting his lip as he drew his gaze up and down Yunho’s face, lingering just a bit too long on his lips. “Of course I’m not gonna say no to a pretty angel boy like you,” he purred, pulling back into Yunho’s lips hungrily.

Yunho fisted one hand in San’s hair, the other grasped firmly over his bicep, digging in with his nails. San growled low in his throat at the sensation of Yunho’s nails digging deeper, and Yunho pressed harder against San’s chest, pushing his back further against the cold countertop.

“I’ll never get used to the smell of demon,” Yunho muttered through heavy breaths between kisses.

“You don’t exactly taste heavenly to me either, angel boy. But you’re hot, so I’ll make an exception,” San quipped back, smirking against his lips.

Yunho’s cock ached in his jeans, and he ground himself up against San as they made out, which, if he was being honest, only made it worse. He wanted San naked, now. But he was also enjoying the pleasure as San’s tongue dipped into his mouth. San’s demon taste, admittedly, wasn’t Yunho’s favorite. But he was too consumed with desire to care—right now he tasted as heavenly as any angel.

Yunho brought his hand down to palm San’s cock through his pants, noting it was just as hard as his was. San grunted and sighed against his lips, melting like putty in his hands. Something about the way he could reduce San to a moaning mess with just a touch brought a rush of power through Yunho’s head, but San wouldn’t let him keep it.

San pushed Yunho off of him, guiding him to the couch and shoving him down by his shoulders with two strong hands. Yunho sank into the cushions, eyes widening as San planted himself in Yunho’s lap, straddling him with his legs on either side. Yunho watched as San’s crimson eyes grew dark, lustful as he found his way down on Yunho’s lap. San’s hands threaded through Yunho’s hair, gripping tight as his lips found their way back to the angel’s, more hungrily this time.

He ground his hips down against Yunho’s throbbing cock, still threatening to burst through his jeans at any moment. San ground mercilessly against him, eating up every needy whine that escaped the angel’s mouth.

“Angels, so pathetic,” San purred, lingering his fangs over Yunho’s neck threateningly. “Moaning little messes.”

Yunho couldn’t argue with that—he was a complete mess with San on top of him, giving him just enough to keep him aching for more. “You know, you smell like an angel, but I bet your blood tastes just as good as a human.”

San’s sharp fangs teeth pressed down slowly against Yunho’s taut flesh, not quite hard enough to pierce the surface tension of his skin. Yunho squirmed underneath him, bucking his hips up against San’s, and he could feel San’s mouth draw up into a satisfied smirk against his neck.

“Hmm, angel boy? Think your colleagues upstairs would be happy with me littering you with pretty little marks?”

Yunho gulped, and San tightened his grip in Yunho’s hair, yanking his head down harshly against the back of the couch until Yunho was staring at the ceiling. His fangs dragged along the sensitive skin of Yunho’s neck, sending tingles rocketing down his spine.

“San, you can’t… she’ll see—”

San sighed disappointedly. “That’s too bad. I was really looking forward to draining you,” he muttered against the angel’s neck, pulling back to make eye contact with Yunho.

Yunho felt almost like his prey as San’s crimson eyes dissolved slowly to a dangerous, demonic black. He’d fucked San before, but they were angels. It was entirely different then—soft, heavenly, warm. But this. This was cold, dark, and passionate—a sexual experience unlike Yunho had ever had. One he now almost regretted not having sooner.

Yunho realized he was still fully clothed—a reality he needed to change as soon as physically possible. He pulled his sweater over his head, then started fumbling uncoordinatedly at the buttons of San’s shirt until it was hanging open, revealing his perfectly sculpted chest. San was exactly Yunho’s type, if he had to pick one—lean, but not too muscular, small waist, broad shoulders. In fact, one could say San was Yunho’s only type in men.

Yunho’s large hands fit perfectly around San’s tiny waist, holding San in place neatly as he ground against Yunho’s crotch. San littered kisses down Yunho’s neck, displaying impressive self control as he carefully dragged his fangs along the surface, not daring to leave marks. Yunho let out shaky moans as San moved down to his collarbone, peppering kisses and nibbles along his shoulders and chest.

Yunho was so worked up, writhing beneath him in a way that he could hardly control any more. He worried if San so much as touched his cock, he would lose it right there—and he wanted to savor this moment as much as possible.

San glared up at him with a teasing smirk as he trailed his tongue down Yunho’s abs, sliding down off the couch until he was on his knees, his head level with Yunho’s crotch. He popped the button on Yunho’s jeans, then slowly tugged down the zipper, clearly enjoying the way Yunho writhed in anticipation.

“What’s the matter, angel boy? Too slow?” San teased, and Yunho sighed in frustration. San traced his fingers over the fabric of Yunho’s underwear, his touch featherlight and heinously gentle. “Tell me what you want,” he purred.

“Quit torturing me,” Yunho huffed, tilting his head down to glare at San.

“Be more specific, love. If you want me to suck your cock, just say so. Or are you too innocent, hmm? That’s cute.” San’s smile widened as he teased Yunho, not letting his game up for even a moment.

Yunho sputtered, choking a bit at San’s forwardness. But he should have known he would be like. “San, I’m not gonna—”

“So you want me to stop then, is that it?” San sat back on his heels defiantly, and Yunho’s eyes widened, brows furrowing. He knew San wasn’t one to let up so easily—that stubborn asshole.

“No—no… please, San,” Yunho begged, the throbbing of his cock against his underwear nearly making his eyes water.

A smug smirk tugged at San’s lips, satisfaction glimmering in his blood-red irises. “Cute, how you think a simple please is enough. Beg for me, love. I wanna hear it from those innocent little angel lips.”

Yunho gulped. The only thing he had left was to shove the embarrassment down to get what he wanted—no, what he needed.

“I—I want you to s—” His breath caught in his throat, a huge lump forming as the blood pooled in his cheeks, making his face hot with humiliation.

“Look at you, so innocent. I don’t recall you being this shy when we were together, Yunyun. Thousands of angel years must have really done a number on you.”

Yunho gritted his teeth, choking out his next words carefully. “I—I want you to suck my cock. Please. Please, San.”

“That’s my angel,” San purred, a grin fully formed on his lips as he sat back up on his knees.

San hooked his fingers in the waistband of Yunho’s jeans, finally tugging them down. Yunho raised his hips off the couch to slide them off, equal parts mortified and aroused by San’s games. He couldn’t deny how bad he wanted it, a fact San knew all too well. San slid Yunho’s underwear off next, his embarrassingly hard cock springing free in front of San’s face.

“Oh, my. I forgot how big it was.” San raised his eyebrows as he tossed Yunho’s clothes aside, licking his lips as he examined it from base to tip. It was a compliment, but somehow Yunho’s cheeks reddened even further, hot underneath San’s intense, crimson leer.

San flicked his tongue across the tip, lapping up the droplet of precum with a soft kitten lick. Yunho groaned in the back of his throat at the sensation. It was barely anything, and yet San had him so wound up he was bucking his hips at even the slightest of touches. San snickered at his pathetic response.

San wrapped his lips around the head, sucking lightly as his hands came to rest on Yunho’s thighs. He gave just enough suction for Yunho to jerk his hips up with a shaky breath. San laughed with his lips still sealed around the head, smug red eyes locked on Yunho’s as he slowly took more into his mouth.

“Oh, god,” Yunho breathed, tipping his head back against the couch.

“Using the lord’s name in vain? Bad angel,” San scolded, pulling off Yunho’s cock with a wet pop. San wrapped a hand around the base, jerking it in his fist as he dragged his tongue in circles around the head. “Someone hasn’t been reading his Bible lately.”

“I don’t want to hear that from you—ah, fuck,” Yunho groaned, cutting himself off as San sank down onto his cock, taking as much as he could into his mouth before it hit the back of his throat. San’s eyelashes fluttered as it became difficult, watery eyes looking up at Yunho as he gagged slightly.

San looked gorgeous around his cock, much to Yunho’s chagrin. He was the very picture of sin—his soft lips stretched perfectly around Yunho’s thick shaft, teary crimson eyes leering through dark lashes, wisps of hair black as coal falling over his face like raven’s feathers. San looked like heaven and hell all at once, and Yunho couldn’t get enough.

The mere sight of San on his knees in front of him was nearly enough to push him over the edge, but San pulled away just in time for Yunho to take a few necessary deep breaths to pull himself back to reality. San looked up with a satisfied grin, drawing his tongue over his lip, lingering it over his lip ring playfully.

He stood up slowly, giving Yunho the perfect view of him as he stripped off his jeans. Yunho widened his eyes as San undid his belt, the veins in San’s forearms bulging slightly as he tugged it off. Yunho’s thoughts grew utterly sinful—completely unfit for an angel—as he imagined the things San could do with that belt. But he tossed it aside to the floor, prioritizing his hard cock bulging from the crotch of his jeans. Yunho’s mouth watered as San slowly stripped his jeans and underwear off, allowing his length completely free now.

San stepped forward, dragging his fingernail along the taut skin of Yunho’s neck, forcing his gaze up to meet his. San surely got a euphoric sense of power having Yunho look up at him rather than down.

“You know the drill, love. On your knees for me, okay?” San purred, letting his nails dig into Yunho’s chest as he ran them down, leaving angry marks behind.

San’s eyes widened as Yunho stood up from the couch, closing every inch of space left between them. San’s head tipped up now, meeting Yunho’s as he watched the angel’s eyes darken mischievously—a look entirely unbefitting of him, but enough to make San blush slightly.

“No, San.” Yunho contested, placing his hand on his cheek as San’s crimson eyes grew confused. Yunho, admittedly, wasn’t one to fight against San’s control. He was, as San would put it, a good little angel.

“No?” San hissed through his teeth.

“What, you’re not used to your prey defying you?” Yunho asked with a devilish smirk, taking a page straight out of San’s playbook.

He didn’t know what came over him—he wasn’t usually like this. In his time with San as angels, San was always the one who took control, the one on top. Yunho liked it that way too. He was entirely submissive in nature, which is why now, as he openly defied San’s orders, asserting dominance by looming above him, San’s eyes widened in complete shock.

“You don’t want me to fuck you then, is that it? Angel boy is too innocent, too pure now, hmm?” San asked, but his voice was shakier than before as Yunho towered over him.

“No, San. I’m going to fuck you this time.”

Yunho had never seen San’s eyes so wide, glimmering with an emotion somewhere between fear and excitement. “I—I’m sorry. You’re going to what?” San sputtered, biting his lip as he met Yunho’s harsh stare.

“Don’t tell me you’re afraid to take my cock?” Yunho teased, running his fingers slowly through San’s hair, sticky with sweat. San’s confusion only compounded in his expression, and honestly, Yunho had no idea where his sudden confidence had come from either. The effects of the alcohol from earlier had worn off by now, and yet he was asserting so much dominance over San now like it was nothing.

“Who’s the innocent one now, demon boy?” Yunho felt so satisfied as the words dripped off his tongue—he understood San more now, and the pleasure he got with toying around with him so mercilessly. After everything that San put him through, Yunho was going to take back his control.

San’s voice was shaky as he spoke, but his eyes were narrower now, dark and glazed with lust. “I’ve never seen this side of you, Yunyun,” he said as he helped tug Yunho’s jeans to his ankles. Yunho shook them off his legs, discarding them to the side. “I have to say, it’s kind of hot.”

San’s hand came down to softly stroke Yunho’s cock, and Yunho let a growl roll low in his throat as San caught him off guard. Yunho’s eyes trained on the demon’s neck as a gulp rolled through San’s throat.

“What?” Yunho probed, forcing San’s chin up again to look him in the eyes.

“It—uh, you’re big,” San said, his confidence dissolving rapidly as he gauged Yunho’s impressive size with his fingers.

“Bigger than you’ve taken before?” Yunho asked, stroking San’s hair, which was still tangled neatly between his long fingers.

“I’ve never… uh… I’ve never taken any before,” San admitted quietly, breaking his crimson stare away. Yunho’s eyes widened for a moment, before erupting into uncontrolled laughter.

“I’m sorry, I’m supposed to believe the almighty San, glorified sex demon, has never been fucked before?” Yunho asked mockingly. His harsh words surprised even himself, but they poured out now with so much raw vigor he wasn’t in a position to stop himself.

“Shut the fuck up, angel boy. You know I like to be the one in control,” San sneered in response.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be gentle,” Yunho cooed, his tone a bit condescending. He wasn’t going to waste his opportunity to play around with San a little. “But no promises.”

San scoffed. “No need to be gentle with me. I can handle myself.”

Yunho’s lips drew into smirk, bending over until his breath tickled against San’s ear. “You’re gonna regret saying that.”

Yunho could see San’s knees buckle slightly under him, making him a bit wobbly as he slipped away for a moment. It was satisfying to see San like this—shaken, visibly working to hide the way Yunho’s uncharacteristically powerful aura was affecting him.

“I—I’ll be right back,” San muttered, turning on his heels out of Yunho’s large shadow, finding his way into the kitchen.

Yunho sank back down on the couch, waiting as San rummaged through Y/N’s kitchen cabinets before re-emerging with a jar of coconut oil.

“Coconut oil? How did you—”

“It’s saved my ass many times,” San responded dryly, prompting Yunho to chuckle at the unexpectedly apt word choice. It would certainly be saving his ass now.

San stifled a visible gulp as he drew to his knees in front of Yunho on the couch once again, dipping his fingers into the coconut oil and working the slick substance all over Yunho’s waiting cock. Yunho let out an uncontained whimper at San’s touch, still all-too-sensitive from the way San had worked him up earlier.

Yunho’s mind was a mess of lust, his mind consumed with thoughts of only SanSanSan, on his knees, submitting underneath him. He imagined San’s restrained whimpers, his embarrassed whines and moans as he took Yunho fully inside him for the first time.

San was stroking the angel’s hard length softly, a sight Yunho could have only described as beautiful, perfect, everything he ever needed—and yet his mind was elsewhere. He had a one track mind to take San until he was screaming his name—a pathetic, whiny mess sprawled on the couch. All his thoughts, his feelings, were consumed by a filthy culmination of all of Yunho’s pent up anger and frustration towards the demon he once loved, bubbling within him now all at once. That, and the raw sexual attraction he had for this somehow godly demon—a sinful way for an angel to think of such a horrible creature.

San’s growingly enthusiastic pumping around Yunho’s shaft snapped him back to attention, making hooded eye contact with the demon’s lustful ruby eyes. Yunho gestured for him to get up, motioning towards his lap, and San obeyed enthiastially, taking a gentle seat against Yunho’s thighs, not once breaking contact of his fingers on the angel’s member. San straddled his lap, his own cock brushing against Yunho’s as he settled in. San bit his lip as Yunho’s hands came to grab his ass, giving it a rough squeeze with his long fingers.

“A-are you gonna, um—” San stuttered, and Yunho could see his cheeks were flushed a pretty red from their close proximity.

“Am I gonna…?” Yunho prompted, a smirk blooming on his face at San’s embarrassment.

San broke his crimson gaze from Yunho’s, ducking his head down. “You know. Um—”

“Aw, are you embarrassed to say you want my fingers inside you? So cute,” Yunho cooed, letting condescension fill his voice as his smirk widened.

“Shut the fuck up, angel boy,” San growled, heat pooling more heavily in his cheeks as Yunho continued to tease him.

Yunho snickered in amusement as he reached for the jar, dipping his fingers in to coat them in oil. He brought his hand back to San’s ass, gently trailing a slick finger along his entrance, and he felt San shiver in his lap, letting out a shaky breath. San’s hands snaked around Yunho’s shoulders, burying his head in the crook of his neck to hide his red face.

Yunho slowly pushed a finger in, his other arm wrapping around San’s waist to keep him steady. San let out an adorable little squeak, and Yunho smiled at his reaction. Yunho pushed it in all the way, sliding down past the knuckle until his hand barred him. Yunho’s cock twitched at how tight he was, even with just one finger inside—he could only imagine how San would feel around him.

“You good?” Yunho asked softly.

“Yeah,” San breathed against Yunho’s neck. “Keep going.”

Yunho pulled his hand back, slowly dragging his finger out almost all the way, then gently eased it back in, eating up San’s shaky breaths against his neck, spilling hot air over Yunho’s skin. Yunho began a slow rhythm, gradually increasing the speed of his movements.

San whimpered beneath him, Yunho’s lips drawing into a satisfied smile as he listened closely to San’s every sound, pleased at the way Yunho had him—very literally—wrapped around his finger. Even as an angel, San was always in control, always one step ahead. It gave Yunho an unmistakable headrush to see the normally cocky demon conceding so easily under him, his heavy breaths and restrained whines falling softly from his lips.

Yunho brought a second finger to San’s entrance, teasing light circles around the outside.

“Think you can handle another, hmm, demon boy?” Yunho breathed in San’s ear. He wasn’t usually one for condescending nicknames, but if he wanted to keep up with San, he’d have to pull out all the tricks.

He felt San nod yes in the crook of his neck.

“Use your words.”

“Yes. Fuck you,” San sneered in response, though his actions didn’t match the icy sting of his words. He was a moaning, whiny mess, yet he still tried to play cool.

Yunho only chuckled in response as San bit his lip to restrain the moans as Yunho slipped the second finger in, bringing it slowly up to pace. As San seemed to relax into the sensations, melting against Yunho’s chest, head still buried in his shoulder, Yunho got creative. He twisted his long fingers inside San’s ass, crooking them slightly to increase the pressure.

“Ah—ah, fuck,” San breathed against his skin.

“Should I stop?” Yunho asked softly, halting his movements teasingly.

“No—no, fuck—keep going.”

He slowly resumed the movement of his fingers, keeping his pace unpredictable as he felt San shake and clench around him, eating up the moans and whines as San conceded to his movements. A wave of inspiration rushed over him suddenly.

“Sannie,” he cooed, using a nickname he hadn’t used for the demon in hundreds—if not thousands—of years. “Look at me.”

Yunho moved his free hand from supporting San’s small waist to his chin, pulling it off his shoulder to making eye contact with him. San struggled to meet his eyes, face still red-hot from the humiliation of his submissive state.

“Tell me you want me, Sannie,” Yunho purred, eyes trained mischievously on San’s flustered expression. “If you want my cock, you have to ask nicely.”

He thrusted his fingers up to the knuckle, causing San’s pretty moans to spill over beautifully from his lips.

“Ah—Yun—ah,” San breathed through his teeth, any composure he had left slowly unraveling in Yunho’s hands. “Fuck—fuck you, I’m not going to beg.”

“Then I guess you don’t want it, is that it?”

“No I—mmf—keep going...” he whined.

Bad idea. Yunho halted his fingers, causing San to whimper in protest.

“Look me in the eyes and tell me you want me, or we’re done here, San.”

Yunho was bluffing. It was obvious how much he wanted it, but he trusted San not to realize that, or care. He’d take the bluff as far as he had to just to watch San beg pathetically for him. But the truth was, Yunho wanted this badly, more badly than he could ever image, his cock throbbing and aching against San’s as they pressed and pushed together against their stomachs.

“P-please,” San choked out.

Yunho’s fingers traced against the demon’s chin again, forcing his gaze up until the eye-contact was unavoidable. “Please what?”

“Please, I want… your cock,” San continued, voice shaky as Yunho twisted his fingers slowly inside of him. “Fuck me, please…”

“You’re so cute like this, Sannie,” Yunho praised, lacing his free hand in San’s hair as he slipped his fingers out slowly.

Yunho had prepared to flip him over on his knees, but San had other plans, shifting his weight on Yunho’s lap and hoisting his hips up until his ass lined up with the head of Yunho’s oil-slicked cock.

“San—you can’t…” Yunho broke his confident facade for a moment, suddenly worried about hurting San from this position. He was effectively taking San’s ass virginity, and Yunho was more well-endowed than most. He could rip him apart if he wasn’t careful.

“What did I say, angel boy?” San gritted through his teeth, letting gravity take hold as he slowly lowered himself down. “I can handle myself.”

San let out an unrestrained cry as the tip slid in. Even with the generous amount of coconut oil they’d used, it wasn’t an effortless endeavor. Yunho cursed through his moans as he took San’s overwhelming tightness—it was like nothing he’d ever felt before, San’s ass clenching beautifully around him.

The pleasure only compounded as San took the initiative to sink further down, both their cries harmonizing at the intensity of the sensations. Yunho stayed painfully still, resisting every urge in his body to buck his hips up against San, to push all the way in. He couldn’t. He would destroy him.

San’s head found its home back in the crook of Yunho’s neck, using the angel’s soft skin to stifle his own noises. San sank lower, only by a centimeter or so, but it was enough for Yunho’s body to react on its own, hips jerking up reactively.

San cried out, and Yunho realized what he’d done, but not before he felt San’s fangs sink into his shoulder, piercing the flesh without a second thought.

“Fuck, San—I told you not to,” Yunho hissed through his teeth, wincing at the harsh sting of his fangs.

“Sorry,” San mumbled. “You—I didn’t mean to.”

Yunho knew San was a bad liar, and didn’t take apologies lightly. He was telling the truth.

“I—it’s okay,” Yunho muttered softly.

San lapped slowly at the wounds, soothing them slightly. Neither of them dared to move from their precarious position, San’s hips still hovering way too far off of Yunho’s thighs to possibly be comfortable. Yunho’s hands snaked around San’s tiny waist, digging his fingernails in as he took in the sensation of San’s tongue sliding over the stinging wound on his shoulder.

“Maybe we should move to another position… y’know, so you don’t end up draining me like this,” Yunho suggested with a chuckle, and San nodded in agreement, still kitten-licking the fresh wound as more blood trickled out.

Yunho couldn’t care less about his bleeding for the time being—he was too focused on his dick, which needed to be back in San’s ass immediately. Yunho moved his fingers around to squeeze San’s hips, helping him hoist himself up and slide off.

San wasted no time repositioning himself on the couch, ass up in the air—an irresistible sight to Yunho, who wanted nothing more than to be buried inside him. But, considering San’s earlier difficulties, he’d have to be more patient than he would have liked.

He lined himself up with San’s entrance, then dipping his cleaner fingers into the coconut oil, generously slicked his own cock and San’s ass with extra lubricant. San whimpered at the mere touch of Yunho’s fingers against him, cold and slippery with the oil.

“Tell me what you want, Sannie,” Yunho purred, still riding his dominant high.

“Fuck off and put your cock in me,” San growled. Yunho chuckled, deciding enough was enough—no more games.

He slid the tip in easily, helped by the generous amount of lube, stroking San’s hair from the back to soothe his whines and moans. He guided himself in deeper with his free hand placed delicately on San’s waist, admiring the difference in size. Yunho was huge, towering—a gentle giant. San was small and fragile, though you’d never guess by his cocky disposition.

Yunho moved slowly, easing San into it. He knew he was too much for San, especially for his first time—but it didn’t make keeping the control any easier with such a hot demon whimpering and moaning beneath him.

“Deeper,” San commanded.

Yunho couldn’t argue with that. His control dissolved at San’s sudden demand. After all, San had instructed him not to be gentle with him. He thrust in, throwing carefulness out the window, and San cried out as Yunho tugged his head back by his hair, exposing his sharp features to Yunho from behind. He picked up a steady rhythm now, slow but vigorous, snaking the hand on San’s hip around to his waiting cock, stroking softly.

“Fuck—Yunho…” San moaned, all composure he may have had left dissolving under Yunho’s motions, his hand now keeping pace with his thrusts.

Yunho couldn’t keep it together for much longer, and neither could San, by the ever-increasing sounds of pleasure falling from his lips, begging Yunho not to stop. He wouldn’t have dreamed of it. He gripped San’s waist the hand that was previously entangled in his hair, increasing his rhythm until San was crying his name. He felt his ass clench around his dick as San came, thick streaks of cum painting the couch white.

Yunho thrust in to the hilt, and San nearly buckled beneath him at the sudden length. Yunho cursed and grunted as he spilled over inside of San, who was still clenching around him, increasing every nerve in his body exponentially.

San collapsed onto the couch as Yunho slid out, carefully avoiding the cum-stained upholstery.

“Fuck,” Yunho cursed, realizing what he’d done to the couch. In his lustful frenzy, he hadn’t exactly considered the consequences of his action. “I’ll have to clean that up before she wakes up…”

San managed to smirk through his heavy panting, “It’s a good thing I’m the demon maid. I know where all the cleaning supplies are.”

Yunho rolled his eyes, slipping into the bathroom to clean himself up and bandage up the remaining wound on his shoulder. When he re-emerged, San was dressed, knees visibly wobbly as he scrubbed the cum stain off the couch.

“What a good little maid,” Yunho teased. “You look cute on your knees like that.”

“You would know,” San jeered back.

Yunho glanced at Y/N’s coconut oil, making a mental note to replace it for her before she had a chance to use it, though chances were she wouldn't even notice if it disappeared. She wasn’t exactly the “cooking-at-home” type.

“We… we don’t talk about this again,” Yunho said carefully as San removed the last traces of their earlier sinful endeavor. Now that he wasn’t so clouded with blind lust for San, he had a moment to reflect on his terrible choices for the night. Not that he regretted it. Not even a single second.

“Okay, angel boy. Whatever you say. But if you ever want to do it again, you know where to find me,” San responded, flashing his fangs and a cheeky wink. And there was the San he knew.

The two never ended up talking. San left just as quickly as he’d appeared: without a trace, like he was never even there. It felt like some sort of fever dream as soon as he was gone, although Yunho knew for a fact he had never gone to sleep. He tidied up the rest of the living room, rearranging the pillows on the couch, making sure it looked like San was never there—in fact, he made it look like he’d never left Y/N’s room in the first place.

Yunho slipped back into the room, carefully turning the knob, and found her exactly as he left her, somehow undisturbed despite how loud they’d been for the past few… well, however long it had been, Yunho supposed.

Yunho shook all thoughts of San away, only just realizing how exhausted he’d been from the rigorous exercise he’d just partaken in. But as he closed his eyes to sleep, he only saw San, the mental image of him on his knees, glancing up at Yunho through messy strands of raven hair, lips swollen, eyes dark and lustful.

This was going to be harder than he thought.

#san smut #yunho smut #yunsan #yunsan smut #ateez smut #idol x idol #ateez slash #ateez fic #ateez smut fic #ateez yunsan #yunsan fic #choi san smut #yunho x san #san x yunho #jeong yunho smut #smut

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af1899 · 3 years

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FEH - Finally got the first merge on Hoshidan Summer Micaiah + appreciation post

With [Hall of Forms] now finished and all the rewards obtained, I can now rest at ease forgetting it, so I went to [Forging Bonds] and just got the last [Divine Codes: Ephemera 8] to give Micaiah her well earned merge, and here it is, her RES bane is no more.

While I don't see her often in [AR-D], I've come to understand why she's a good option here: she fills a very unique niche as a refresher with min-maxed attack and resistance that deals effective damage on armored and cavalry units, she aged really well as a unit despite her having one of the lowest BST values of her class but her refine will eventually come out and make her outstanding, I'll wait for it before I invest too much in her.

Anyway, this is not what I appreciate Micaiah, so I'll tell you a little story below and sum up my reasons, there'll be minor spoiler warnings and it's a tad too extensive but I hope you'll find it an interesting read if you do look on it.

I've known about her ever since I started to play Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn after I got my black Wii back in 2015 for my birthday and unlocked it to sideload USB games some time after, but it took me a little to feel like trying it and get it running, I used to be a guy that just trained whoever seemed likeable enough from looks so that I could get on, not as attentive with the plot of every game I play as I am now, but I've started to change that around the time I've started Final Fantasy VIII on the second half of 2019, a game that was truly legendary and emotional Imo.

This is more or less how I've come to known her, but I want to share what sparked interest on me for her:

It took me exactly two weeks to realize I wanted her so badly, it helped that when Lilina was announced, I'd need a [Feh Pass] subscription for just this month, and I got it with help from a friend, to date, I'm still grateful to that user for the support and for us to continue upholding a strong bond.

In any case, when the time came, I realized how charming this skin was, it's one of the best we've gotten, the Hel thematic looks wonderful on her (what a delightful blend of colors and precise styling by Sachie, same person that made the art for Legendary Julia and Sara, yes, more favs 💜) and the art is overall just too good but the best piece out of the four is the normal one I think, and I'll explain why while covering my favorite part of character talking: personality.

Micaiah is a kind and caring girl towards those she holds dear, specially the people of the country she eventually leads as a queen: Daein, located in the Tellius continent.

«I don't really like crowds. Sometimes, I sneak off to the forest to catch a break. I'm guessing the guiding hand of this army might need a break, too!»

— Micaiah: Priestess of Dawn, Fire Emblem Heroes.

She also has a bit of a bitter side but that's not how she normally comes off, yet, this doesn't come out without a reason, she was born a Branded (a human born from a human and laguz unity that end up getting a special power and an irremovable brand somewhere in their body, highly discriminated in Tellius), she had to hide her brand to anyone but her closest friends like Sothe so that she's not mistreated.

She's highly capable of selflessness, symbolized through that power she's gotten: [Sacrifice], it heals the target's wounds at the cost of her life force, she can recover just fine, but it exhausts her in return. This has allowed her to heal without staves and get the recognition from her people in Daein, like when she was first fleeing Begnion forces in Nevassa (capital city of Daein) while repelling bandit attacks, the citizens blocked the path when Micaiah and the Dawn Brigade (it's a group she leads to liberate her country) flee, but before she could escape, she sensed danger, and spotted a young guy being hurt from an arrow a Begnion soldier shot to a child named Nico, who would remember Micaiah's act of kindness for nursing him back to health almost instantly.

There were some times in which Micaiah also had to make really tough decisions, for example: Ike's army was tasked by Apostle Sanaki of Begnion to escort her to her country as they were trying to uncover the vile senate's acts, they had to pass through Daein territory, but because of a [Blood Pact] (a contract that enforces its signer's obedience to avoid a greater catastrophe) that Pelleas (that's the former king of Daein's son) signed under the false pretention that was a peace treaty the senate proposed. Micaiah had to hinder Ike's army advancement to see if she can trick the Begnion senate so she sent her soldiers to fight for that... she wanted to give time to Pelleas so that he could find a way to remove the effects from the [Blood Pact], as they couldn't just be removed normally. She had to make those sacrifices all because of a contract, and she couldn't even just tell Ike that she was forced to follow orders, the attacks from Daein forces didn't make much sense to him naturally. It was her people or her soldiers, so she had to make such decisions that tested her willpower, yet she's strong at heart and carried out with the orders she was given.

In Fire Emblem Heroes, she doesn't talk much about those events, but that's because she wishes to be free from the chains of past days, even if for a moment, she shows a friendly personality towards the Summoner and still being herself. She became queen of Daein and led her people to an age of prosperity, welcoming both laguz and human alike.

Now, all this and more things you'd learn as you play Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn (or may remember from your playthroughs) show how strongly developed and compelling she is as a character, there's a lot going in her life and she lived many difficult moments, yet she got through and grew into a kind and strong-willed woman, she truly impressed me, and I think she's truly pretty, like, I mean:

(Artwork from Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn Memorial Book Tellius Recollection: The Second Volume)

I won't deny that the Resplendent skin is magnificent and gave me the last push-up to play her home game after a long time and learn more about her, but I could see what kind of character she is and what makes her truly special... true, she's not my "best girl" (see PFP) but I still hold her dear as if she was almost high up there. And it's said that "nothing beats the original", so I certainly love her original design.

Here's a little showcase of the other two variants of her I have, I'm missing only her Bridal alt and the possible Legendary one coming later in this month, but here are them:

I love all her official art and how it manages to bring out her friendliness and tender side.

I'm so glad that so far, I've lucked out well with her IVs save her Hoshidan Summer alt, and she appeared randomly when pulling for others most of the time, so it's great to have her now, even as-is.

Her Brave variant from 2019 should be getting a refine next month or any time for the remainder of 2021, I know it'll be good but I would already love to know what it'll do before I give her anything else.

...

And here ends my appreciation post and optional read, if you've made it this far, thank you so much for reading, it means a lot to me if you've come to enjoy it.

#fire emblem heroes #fe heroes #micaiah #fe micaiah #fire emblem #radiant dawn

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princeescaluswords · 3 years

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Ya know, it's funny. Stans will deem Scott an unfit protagonist for such-and-such reasons, even when those fabricated reasons contradict each other (ex: Scott is dumb and can't pass class without copying Stiles's work yet also he is a tyrannical mastermind). I mean c'mon, did ANY of us know what the Hell a "bestiary" was before that fateful episode? Yet, none of this disqualified Stiles from being a protagonist seen as worthy of usurping Scott by stans. If Stiles is *such* a prodigy sleuth master yet just.... follows along with Scott's plans or lets himself be "manipulated" by that mastermind, why should he be the hero?

Unfortunately, the thing you’ve observed goes far beyond Teen Wolf to encompass how most people in the United States watch television. For 92 years, since the first televised drama aired, the overwhelming focus of its narratives have been on white characters and white issues. One of the benefits of the sea change in how we watch media is that audiences -- all audiences -- will be able to seek out stories beyond what networks provided when they were looking to satisfy the most important audience, which has always been white. Yet, changing or not, the damage is done.

As it has in the past, when a white character, especially a white male character, makes a mistake or exhibits a flaw, it’s seen as something which deepens our understanding of the character. They give us insight into their nature outside of the plot; it allows the audience to relate to them more, because we often recognize similar flaws in our own lives and similar mistakes we made. It doesn’t matter how flawed the white male characters are or how their mistakes may not actually be mistakes but actually selfish and evil decisions, television has taught us that they’re worthy of examination anyway. How many times have you heard the phrase ‘a deeply flawed human being’ right before they explain that it’s okay to stan them?

But when a character of color, especially a black female character, makes a mistake or exhibits a flaw, it’s seen as disqualifying them from the focus of the narrative. The audience seethes as a character of color makes a mistake, because how dare they waste time on this instead of the white characters they’ve been taught to pay attention to? A flaw in a character of color simply makes them ‘unrelatable.’ Take The Flash audience’s reaction to Iris West’s ... well, every emotion she felt that wasn’t unflagging support for Barry Allen.

But you asked about Teen Wolf and the way the audience treats its lead of color. I’ll admit that I knew what a bestiary was because I’ve been playing D&D since 1986, but that joke was supposed to give us a little insight into Scott’s interests -- he’s not into fantasy and science fiction but he has been thinking about his brand-new girlfriend. The joke about his password and username is supposed to be about his infatuation with Allison while being funny, not a comment on his intelligence or worry that he’s obsessed with his brand-new girlfriend.

Yet, the fandom takes these jokes to mean that Scott is stupid and obsessed, while they don’t bother to remember the fact that neither Allison nor Parrish knew what a bestiary was either and that Stiles spent an entire weekend in a hospital visiting a girl who was forced to go to the Formal with him.

While they’re busy calling Scott stupid, parts of the fandom think Stiles is the smartest person in the universe, even though he didn’t know what a pendant was, failed a test when he wrote an essay on another topic not covered in the class, or didn’t realize that The Little Mermaid was written fifty years before cinematic animation was invented. To the audience, that’s funny, not a sign of stupidity. Just like Stiles getting up on the desk and taunting Peter in Night School (1x07) wasn’t stupid. To them, it just deepened his character.

As for mistakes? No one has ever thought that Stiles deserved to be roughed up by Peter in Code Breaker (1x12) because he taunted Peter a few episodes before.

As for the Tyrannical Mastermind Scott, that’s even worse. How many times will they accuse Scott of “not being willing to do what’s necessary!” and then turn around and say “how dare he double-cross the villains!” Or give him the power to imprison Peter in Eichen House and then condemn him for using it. It’s how they can argue that Scott should have executed Deucalion and Gerard while ignoring Peter hamming it up in the background, gloating about his kill count “I’m a creature of habit”, and Derek staring moodily out the window as he thinks about all the teenagers he got killed trying to recreate his dead family. Derek not executing Deucalion or Peter not executing Gerard is ... well, acceptable, but Scott’s sparing those same people’s lives is unforgivable.

Peter’s passion for revenge is justified and understandable, no matter how many innocent bystanders get murdered or have their lives ruined in the process. Derek’s incapacitating trust issues are justified and understandable, no matter how many bad decisions he makes because of them. Stiles’s paranoia and boundary crossing are justified and understandable, no matter how many pack members he has to lie to and hurt. But Scott’s steadfast belief that killing solves nothing and that he won’t end people’s lives out of expediency is dangerous and demonstrates why he shouldn’t be an alpha or even in the show at all.

Peter’s pain is something the audience can appreciate and understand. Derek’s and Stiles’s and even Theo’s. But Scott should suck it up, and if he can’t, why is the show focused on him?

He should go sit with Braeden and Deaton in the penalty box.

#fandom racism #teen wolf racism #hollywood racism #scott mccall #scott mccall defense squad #russianspacegeckosexparty

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screamingatanemptyroom · 4 years

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Please Fix the Story pt 3 - Zombie Apocalypse

The story continues. At least one more part in the zombie world before moving on to the next one.

Part 1 / Part 2 Linked here. (If I get to 5 pts or so I’ll make a master post)

Enjoy!

_____________________________

“Why’d they let YOU in?”

An angry shout stopped us in our tracks as we reached the center of the camp.

I paused, smiling. Ah, the nostalgic smell of unnecessary internal strife. NOW it feels like a proper post apocalyptic story. I raised a hand in greeting. “Hey there, kind and pleasant person, I’m Blaire!”

“Don’t pretend like we’re friends! You shouldn’t be here!” The angry young man stepped closer, allowing me to get a better look at his face. His copper colored hair framed sharp, angular features, his brown eyes practically burning with rage as he tried his best to stare a hole through me.

He seems familiar.

Searching my character’s memories, I was finally able to place him. Jason, the hero’s best friend, who had gone to high school with my character. Before I could celebrate placing his identity, however, I felt a surge of deep terror flood through me. My heart beat wildly in my chest, a cold sweat breaking out on my forehead. I frowned, pushing back the feeling that weren’t my own, but those from my character.

It’s rare for emotions from the character to be this strong, even in the last world I was able to easily put away any feelings of the character I’ve taken over. Why is she so scared? I don’t see anything in her memories that would warrant her being frightened of Jason. And why is he so antagonistic towards me?

As I stood there, trying to comb through what information my character knew about him, he had continued to rant. “Eric, what were you thinking accepting people like her?!”

Eric sent Hannah away with a smile, before turning towards his friend with a tired expression. “They have extra supplies and skills, both of which we’re in desperate need of.”

“We don’t need HER!”

As they argued, Liam walked up to me, pulling an apple from his bag. “Want a snack?”

“Sure, these idiots might take a while, I’d hate to get hypoglycemic while they argue.” Before I could say anything further, he pulled out a knife and silently started cutting the peel off.

“What are you doing?”

“Peeling the apple for you.”

“Why?”

“…” He paused, looking honestly confused. “I’m not sure, but I feel like this would make you happy.”

I couldn’t help but shake my head in amazement. “I love apples, but I can’t stand the peel. How did you know?”

“Really?” He grinned, continuing to peel. “My support husband instincts must be kicking in.”

“You’re very… optimistic.”

“Thanks!”

I sighed. “Don’t get attached, Liam. It won’t end well.” I thought of the heart wrenching pain I had felt when pressing “No” in the last world. That was just after 4 weeks. If I have to stay here years…

“It’s okay. I already count myself fortunate being your lackey.” His smile was bright, but his attention to the apple never wavered. “As long as you live well. I think I could die happy.”

I shuddered. The habit was just too strong. A character casually mentioning dying in a story…such a red flag. “Try not to die. Happy or otherwise.”

“Yes ma’am.” He saluted, his silly expression making me feel less tense.

“Blaire! I’m talking to you!” Jason had finished arguing with Eric while Liam and I chatted and was obviously still furious.

I felt the same edge of fear from the character at the sight of him again, and pushed it back down with irritation.

“That must be so exhausting to be so angry all the time.” I muttered quietly as I watched him approach.

Liam nodded. “No kidding. I think I’ll need a nap just from watching him perform.”

Jason stopped just a few feet away, sneering. “I don’t know what lies you sold Eric earlier, but don’t’ forget, I know the real you! You’re a rich brat without any skills! You’re deadweight to any group, just a worthless bit….ARGH!” He flew backwards as a mostly-peeled apple struck him in the mouth, splitting his lip.

“Oops. Sorry did that hit you?” Liam watched him coldly, not sounding sorry at all. “My hands get slippery when I hear pure stupid.”

“Is that why people around you tend to get hit with flying projectiles often?

“It’s a curse…” He paused, then looked mortified. “THAT WAS MY LAST APPLE!”

“It’s okay.”

“WHY DIDN’T I USE A STONE?” He groaned into his hands. “That idiot wasn’t worth losing your snack! Now you’re going to go hungry!”

“I’m fine…” I tried to comfort him, but he had already pulled out a walkie-talkie and was growling instructions in some sort of code.

Jason, on the other hand, was now pointing in shock at Liam. “You! You’re William the destroyer!”

“…” I glanced over at the man who was still panicking over his lack of snack options to offer me.

“What’s the leader of the Blood Wolves doing here?” Jason was now looking nervous, clambering to his feet and keeping a good distance from us both

Liam ignored him, continuing to talk on his walkie talkie. Shaking my head, I stepped in between him. “He’s with me. Do you really want to argue now about whether or not we should be here?”

“But… but…”

“Jason!” Eric had returned, a grim look on his face. “I told you to leave them alone. We’ll go out hunting for supplies tomorrow, they can prove their worth then.”

Jason’s expression showed his clear unwillingness, but he slowly nodded. “Sure.” Glancing towards me, he sneered. “Then I guess tomorrow we’ll see just how useless you are.”

“Did I step on your dog or something? Seriously, try to reign in the hostility there, buddy.” With that, I turned and walked towards the empty tent Eric had pointed out earlier.

Despite my casual tone and outer appearance, my hands were clenched at my sides, the fingernails digging into my palms to keep my hands from shaking. My back was soaked with sweat, an uncontrollable reaction from the character I had become.

What is going on? It had been a long timesince I had been unable to fully control my character’s emotions like this. I swallowed uncomfortably. The sensation was unpleasant, a sense of incongruity between body and soul that I couldn’t quite overcome. It reminded me too much of the first mission I had undergone, the worst time of my life that I could still remember.

Waking up without memories, with no idea of who I was or why I was there, thrust into a romantic drama where my mission was to fulfill the role of a foolish, calculating villainous side character. Overwhelmed by intense love for the male lead and mind-numbing hatred for his heroine, I lost myself in despair. Later, I would learn to maintain my sense of identity. Even if I didn’t know who I was, I at least knew who I wasn’t.

And I wasn’t this character. A spoiled, angry young woman who thought the world revolved around her.

So why can’t I remember clearly? Not just Jason, even the events surrounding my character’s kidnapping and death were vague.

Something’s wrong with this world.

Sitting down with a sigh, I pulled out my phone.

“Let’s see how helpful this new ‘character description’ function is.” I typed in Jason’s name. After a moment to process, the phone’s screen filled with text.

Jason, the hero’s best friend and this world’s hopeless secondary male lead. In the story, he is shown to be in love with Hannah, but hides his feelings for fear of hurting his friends. He often supports her from behind, helping the hero rescue her during her frequent misadventures and kidnappings. Despite his devoted acts, Hannah remains blissfully unaware of his feelings, and treats him as a friend.

Nothing to explain why my character is scared of him. I grinned maliciously as I re-read the part about his unrequited love. “No wonder he’s so high strung. If he were nicer I might even feel sorry for him.”

Unable to control my curiosity, I typed in a second name.

“William.”

Character unknown.

“Hmm. Let’s try ‘Liam.’”

Character unknown.

“Blood Wolves.”

The most notorious and highly skilled gang in this story’s world, they often sell their services as mercenaries, and are considered a major power in the post-apocalyptic society.

I stared at the screen, even more confused. Such an important group, but the leader isn’t mentioned? Who is Liam?

But no matter how much I searched, there were no answers.

_____________________________

Shortly later, Liam called me out. The smell of freshly cooked food hastened my steps, and I sat at a table across from Hannah, ignoring her wide-eyed look of fear at my approach.

“The others are checking the perimeter. Here, I made you dinner!” Liam placed a bowl in front of both of us with a proud grin. It was filled with a stew, with vegetables and chicken. Hannah stared at the food suspiciously, although I didn’t see anything wrong with the food. Carefully, I lifted a spoonful up to my mouth, my eyes widening with shock.

“It’s delicious!” I took another few bites before pausing. “Where did you get the ingredients?”

Liam sat down next to me, peeling an apple with an affectionate grin. “My friends happened to have gathered some extra supplies and brought them over.”

“… You sent the Blood Wolves on a snack run?”

“What were they supposed to do? Let you go hungry?” He raised an eyebrow. “They wouldn’t dream of it.”

“I don’t know how you manage to sound so supportive and yet so… ominous at the same time.”

“It’s one of my many talents, I’m so glad you noticed!”

Hannah watched our exchange back and forth, before looking down at the food once more. She seemed very hungry, but she still hadn’t made any moves towards eating.

“You should try it, it tastes really good!” As I coaxed the girl sitting across from me, I saw Liam beaming with pride.

“…” She stared silently at us both for a long few moments before nodding and taking a bite, her hands shaking and almost spilling the stew from her spoon. As she swallowed the food however, her eyes filled with tears.

Why do all the heroine’s I meet cry so easily? Maybe the problem is with me? Do I just not cry enough?

“It tastes so good!” She ate quickly, blinking to keep back the tears that were threatening to spill over.

Oh… so… happy tears? That’s refreshing. I patted her on the shoulder gently. “Not had a lot of hot meals lately, huh?”

Hannah nodded at my sympathetic words. “Yeah, Eric and James are too busy with security and supply runs. And I…” Her words trailed off.

Why hello there, mission opportunity!I rejoiced inwardly but kept a gentle look on my face. “You what?”

“I’m weak… I can’t fight. I can’t even cook.” She looked up at me her eyes still wet with unshed tears. “I wish I could be scary like you…”

… Scary?

Liam laughed at my dumbfounded expression, quickly silencing himself as I turned to glare at him. Looking back over at Hannah, I tried to smile comfortingly, the expression stiffening as a look of terror flashed across her face.

“You want to be a well-rounded useful person? I can help you.” Not like I have a choice.

“Really?” Hannah clasped her hands together in front of her. She still looked frightened, but excitement was clearly pushing back her fear. “I really want to be helpful!”

“Really. Just come watch me tomorrow during the outing. I’ll show you what I can do. From there, we’ll come up with a plan.”

She now was smiling brightly, giving off the impression of a small, adorable animal that should be protected. “I promise I’ll work hard, Boss!”

She trusts me so quickly… no wonder she kept getting kidnapped.

“Wait... Did you just call me Boss…?”

“One day, I pray I can be just as terrifying as you!” Hannah cheered excitedly.

“…”

I feel like her motivation has gone in a weird direction.

As I struggled on how to answer her, Liam nodded solemnly. “It’s good to have goals, but you shouldn’t aim too high.” He handed me the freshly peeled apple, and continued. “No one’s as terrifying as your Boss. But with hard work and effort, one day, you can reach ‘lackey status’ like me!”

“Really?”

“Yeah!” The two high-fived as I watched on silently, feeling tired.

“… I’m going to bed.”

_____________________________

The next morning, we all headed out, running into a group of zombies, almost immediately. We halted a good distance away to discuss a plan.

“Will it be okay?” Hannah’s face looked extremely nervous as she looked at the zombies in the distance.

“Don’t worry, I’ll protect you!” Jason smiled at Hannah, his eyes full of tender emotion. “I promise, as long as I have breath in my body, no zombie will get near you.”

I still felt a small thread of fear running through me as I looked at him, but fortunately, it was much easier to control now. I rolled my eyes at his words. Didn’t the character summary say hehides his feelings? How is this subtle at all?

Eric stared at his friend silently for a moment, and then patted Hannah’s head with a sigh. “Make sure to stay away from the fight.” Loading up a handgun, he glanced over at me. “Are you coming?”

“Ha, bet you’re gonna run and hide, huh?” Jason glared at me, his face looking extremely punchable, forcing me to hold back.

I sighed, admiring my self –restraint. “I’ll take the ten on the right.”

“There’s only fifteen!”

“Yeah, so we’ll split it by skill.” I turned back and grinned. “Ten for me, four for Eric and one for you.”

Pulling out my sword, I headed over, ignoring his stuttered complaints.

GRRRR.

The closest of the zombies was reaching out towards my head, several fingers missing from its hands, its half rotten jaw open, ready to bite.

I lopped it head off, knocking the body away from me.

IT SMELLS SO BAD!!! I had only been able to wash in cold water from a basin. I still desperately missed hot showers.

“Go Boss!”

“Yeah! Kill the zombies! You’re the best!”

Shouts from behind me caught my attention. After killing several more zombies I glanced over, giving out a loud sigh at the sight.

Liam and Hannah cheered off to the side, jumping up and down with excitement.

“Zombies don’t stand a chance against her!”

“Yeah! They’re toast!”

… I’m just going to ignore them for now.

In the corner of my eye I saw Jason struggling to defeat his first zombie, waving a metal bat but missing several passes. He backed up, putting some distance between him and his foe, and turned to stare longingly at Hannah for a few moments, before looking over to glare at me as he realized who she was cheering for. I smiled and winked, watching with interest as his face turned even redder with rage.

Feeling an undeniable urge to taunt, I called out to him as I continued to decapitate zombies.

“Don’t lose focus, little Jason! Or do you need me to help you with your one zombie too?”

“SHUT UP!”

“Try not to bully him, please.” Eric called out as he calmly dodged attacks, occasional shots ringing out. Each was a perfect headshot, as expected of the hero of an action novel. “Jason is sensitive to criticism.”

I nodded, kicking a zombie head into the air and batting it away with my sword, watching it sail away with interest. “Sorry, I’ll try harder to support his emotional well being.”

“Thanks!”

Having finished off our respective zombies, Eric and I high fived before heading back towards the rest of the group.

“Guys… I’m still fighting here!” Jason’s helpless cries caused me to pause.

I glanced at Eric “Will he be okay?”

“Yeah, he’s just milking it so Hannah will pay more attention to him.”

“And you’re okay with that?”

Eric shrugged. “Not really, but he doesn’t step over the line and extra hands are necessary, so I just ignore it.”

Is this a… reasonable male lead? Could it be possible?

“Okay, then.” I raised a hand, not turning around. “Good luck Jason, we believe in you!”

Eric grinned and called out behind him. “See you back in camp, buddy!”

“Boss!” Hannah ran up with a grin. “That was amazing!”

Liam stepped closer, handing me a thermos with hot tea. “I told you she was awesome! She saved my life, you know.”

I ignored him, turning my attention to Hannah. Time to make some progress on this mission. “Did what you see today inspire you?”

“Yeah!”

“Do you want to be helpful?”

“Yeah!”

Getting excited, I pumped a fist into the air. “You want to be strong and fight along side me?!”

“…” Hannah stared at me in shock. “What? No. Fight zombies? It’s scary… and kind of gross.”

I looked at her silently. “I… thought you were inspired?”

“Yeah! But not like that.” She nodded firmly. “I realized I was too eager when I wanted to be as terrifying as you…”

“HEY!”

“So I’ve decided.” She grinned. “I’m going to be a professional lackey, just like Liam!”

“…”

Eric and I sighed in unison.

Liam smiled, patting Hannah on the shoulder. “Now don’t look down on us weak and vulnerable support spouses!”

“You’re not even weak…and we’re not married...”

“We may depend on our stronger counterparts to protect our lives, but we can keep everything running smoothly so you don’t have to worry about anything else.” He looked at me expectantly. “How is your tea?”

Giving up on arguing, I sipped it, and paused, shocked. “It’s… amazing. How did you even make hot tea out here?”

“It’s a trade secret.” Hannah and Liam gave each other a thumbs up, as Hannah handed Liam a thermos, which he drank from silently.

We headed back to camp.

“I feel like we’re forgetting something.” I muttered as I sipped my tea.

“GUYS? WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!! I’m STILL FIGHTING!” Jason’s angry shriek pierced the air, but no one turned around.

“I know what it is!” Liam grinned, cleaning one of my hands with a warm towel before handing me a freshly peeled apple. “Here, snack!”

“HANNAH? ERIC? ANYONE?”

I nodded, taking a bite. “That must have been it.”

_____________________________

A few days passed.

I tried again to convince Hannah to train to fight, thinking that combat skills would be the fastest way to change her status as kidnappable dead weight. After much convincing, she agreed to start training with me.

Unfortunately, the results were not what I had hoped for.

“OWW!” Hannah laid on the ground, staring up at me sadly. “I’m dying.”

“All I did was have you hold my sword. We haven’t even started fighting yet.”

“It hurts.”

“How did you even hurt yourself?” I stared at the small cut on her leg in consternation. “You only had the sword for fifteen seconds?”

Needless to say, the sword was confiscated. Strengthening exercises were meant with similar outcomes.

“How’s it going?” Liam brought me a bowl of hot soup, as I stared in disbelief at the figure attempting to do a pushup in front of me.

I pulled out my phone, glancing at the mission screen. The first completion bar for Hannah’s mission had been stuck at 10% since we started. “Not good. This is still her first push up.”

“Well, everyone takes a different amount of time…”

“We’ve been out here four hours.”

“Oh… how’s the soup?”

I sighed, taking time to try it. “It’s amazing. I’m still convinced you might be magic to be able to cook like this in the apocalypse.”

“This is just the beginning of my skills!”

I drank the soup quietly, staring at Liam while thinking.

“What is it?” He grinned. “You think I’m handsome and finally want to upgrade me from lackey to support spouse?”

“Who are you?”

My question was whispered, but he still heard it, a look of helplessness spreading across his face. This wasn’t the first time I had asked him this.

“I’ve told you everything, Blaire. I swear I’m not hiding anything from you.”

“You’ve told me everything you’ve remembered.” I corrected him quietly, turning away. Focusing my attention back on Hannah, I couldn’t help but feel discouraged. “This isn’t going to work.”

“You said you’re trying to make her a well-rounded, useful person, right?” Liam finally spoke up, his expression thoughtful. “You might be pushing her in the wrong direction. There are many different ways to help out, fighting is just one of them.”

“Yeah… but that’s what I’m good at.” I rubbed my head. “If I have to teach her other skills, I might not be able to.”

I had memories from multiple story worlds, but most of them required me to act as a brain dead villain, not staying long. Only a few provided practical skills such as the assassin guild story. A sense of frustration filled me.

“I can teach her cooking, supply management, and basic book-keeping.” Liam watched me, seemingly worried. “And you can teach her your special skill.”

“Oh? What’s that?”

“Negotiation.” He grinned. “It’s amazing to watch you reduce that idiot Jason to an apoplectic fit every time you argue.”

I thought it over, a small return smile forming on my face. “I guess I have developed some good interpersonal skills. I once helped my brother overcome an obsession with behavior modification training.”

“You have a brother?” He asked, his eyes widening.

“In a different life.” I felt a pang of loneliness for the time I had spent in the previous world. I wondered if Adam was doing well. Looking back at Liam, I reached over and patted him on the head.

“I’m glad you’re here.” That I got to see you again. Even if you look different. Even if you don’t remember me.

Liam froze with shock at my touch for a few moments, before his face lit up with delight. “I’m glad I’m here too!”

I looked back down at Hannah, who still hadn’t completed her first push up. “Let’s go with your plan.”

Scratching the plan to make the heroine a one woman army, it was time to make her into an overpowered support character.

#writing #pt 3 #PFTS #rebirth #multiple worlds #zombies #action

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