"oh man," steve says around a mouthful of noodles. "goddamn, hargrove. i think i love you."
billy makes a quiet wheezing noise. like a punctured chew toy, all the air rushing out of him in an awkward clench of his chest. he doesn't drop his plate, but it's a near thing. his knuckles whiten, fingers stiffening as he reaffirms his grip. "whatever, man."
his crisis goes unnoticed, despite how croaky his voice sounds. steve breezes past billy having a heart attack, like they're just having a normal conversation. "where'd you even learn to cook like this?" he shovels more pasta into his mouth.
"...california."
"oh, ha ha, smartass, alright."
billy shrugs. watches steve eat. beautiful, oblivious steve, his expression clear and blissful, eyes on his lunch like he doesn't have a worry in the damn world.
his plate is almost empty by the time billy's butterflies settle down.
--
"you're warm...i love you, mr.heater-man" steve mumbles, mushed against billy's shoulder. he hums, nuzzling. his nose catches on billy's collar, pushing it aside and brushing bare skin. "warm..."
the ugly checkered walls wobble dangerously, and billy's head spins. he blinks at the ceiling, eyes stinging. his hand migrates upward, weightless and floaty, without his permission. he pets steve's hair. soft hair. so soft.
"you're high."
"mmm...yeah."
billy closes his eyes. "me too," he whispers against he top of steve's head, like it's a secret. his heart trips over itself, hammering against his ribcage as steve's breath warms the space above it.
"yeah..."
time feels meaningless. formless. he drifts, an anxious little pitter-patter in his chest the only thing keeping him tethered. it's dawn by the time billy finally pries himself away from steve's grasp, sober and embarrassed by the tingle lingering under his skin.
--
"aw c'mon you know i love you," steve laughs, eyes crinkling at the corners.
billy almost expects it this time. the fondness is familiar, a tell. the warmth spilling from steve's every movement, overflowing into the space around him, and...
well, he thought he'd built walls high enough by now, but the words still knock right through him.
"hah..." he responds faintly, rubbing his chest. "right."
he shutters his dumbstruck look when he notices robin watching him from behind the counter. she's lounging, a pile of tapes untouched at her side, pinning billy with a critical gaze.
the moment passes, she looks away, snapping her gum like nothing's out of the ordinary, like billy isn't standing there feeling hollowed out and exposed.
"you love me more though, right?" she says with half a smile and a look in her eye that billy can't read. her grin widens when steve splutters out an answer that isn't an answer at all.
"i. i mean..." he glances at billy for the briefest of moments, but it's long enough for billy to think a dozen dangerous thoughts. robin puts him out of his misery a moment later, but billy's pulled so far out of the conversation he barely hears her.
--
"i love you." steve's expression is earnest, open. soft in a way that makes billy burn up inside.
"...it's. it's just a cassette, man." it isn't. it never is with steve. nothing he's ever done for him has been just anything. he hunches his shoulders, and shoves his hands in his pockets. like curling in on himself makes him look like less of a liar.
every time steve says those words to him it sinks a little heavier. the lump in his throat whenever he thinks of saying it back. the guilt in the pit of his stomach, plucking the wings off of every butterfly he gets from things he shouldn't.
steve tilts his head, his smile tinged with something billy doesn't understand, doesn't have time to parse before steve looks down at the gift in his hands, hiding his face. "i know."
billy can't help feeling like he fucked up somehow, and he doesn't have the first clue how to fix it.
--
"steve, i..." his throat contracts, words sticking, stopping in their tracks.
he can't do it. he can't. he practised in front of the goddamn mirror, trying to force the words out, trying to patch something together that sounded like he meant it. because he can't say anything too true. rehearsed pick-up lines and promises he never keeps were the only thing he was ever good at saying, and this is...it's different. he can't script real life. doesn't know how to say things when he doesn't know what kind of reaction he'll get.
steve's looking at him, lips parted, concern wrinkling his brow, confusion. he's a foot away and yet somehow unreachable.
billy swallows the lump in his throat, his eyes burning, and he lurches forward. does the only thing he can think to do, the only thing he can make himself do.
it's messy, as kisses go, billy hits the corner of steve's mouth and steve, not expecting it, jumps, bumping their noses together. but they get there eventually. and billy puts everything he's got into that kiss. everything he couldn't say.
when they come up for air they don't move far.
"i love you," steve breathes out.
billy shivers under his touch, the tingles under his skin blooming into something more, something warm and alive. "i wanted to say it," he says quietly. tears burn, threatening to fall, but he blinks them away. "i wanted to. and i'd have meant it. i...i've been trying to say it this whole fucking time but i could never get the words out."
"oh."
"i'll say it some day. some day, alright. i promise. is...is that--"
steve kisses him, gently, cradling his face. "it's okay." he smiles into another kiss. "take your time, billy. i'll be here."
--
tag liiist 💕 @spreckle @growup-thatbeautiful
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